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A
Hi, I'm Kristen Bell and if you know my husband Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car, not so much.
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B
We're really doing this, huh?
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A
Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your van or license and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon.
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B
Bye bye Truckee.
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A
Of course we kept the favorite.
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B
Hello other Truckee.
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A
Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply.
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C
Meet Natural cycles, the only FDA cleared and CE marked birth control app that's 100% natural hormone free and side effect free. Here's how it works. The app analyzes daily changes in your body temperature to find your fertile window so you can plan or prevent pregnancy naturally. Natural Cycles is a clinically proven non hormonal birth control option that's 93% effective with typical use and and 98% effective with perfect use. No synthetic hormones, just science. And if you're ready to start family planning, switching from preventing to planning a pregnancy is as easy as tapping a button. Plus, the Natural Cycles app makes tracking fertility easy. You can measure your temperature trends using an Oura Ring, Apple Watch or our Bluetooth thermometer, which is free when you sign up for an annual subscription. Join over 4 million registered users who are taking control of their fertility naturally. Save 15% when you sign up with code radio15@natural cycles.com that's radio15 for 15% off today.
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D
This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this. Adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, Us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school Treat Starting start prioritizing their financial education and future today with a risk free trial at greenlight.com Spotify greenlight.com Spotify.
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B
Risk.
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E
Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they dared share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in June of 2013. It's an episode we call Young Rebels.
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A
LA.
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B
Hello kids.
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E
This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is A Tribe Called Red behind me. Now we're calling Today's episode, young Rebels. These are four stories from some of our live shows of late. Each of our storytellers went back to their younger days to re examine those times they bucked the status quo. That's right, I said bucked. Because we could say anything we want here. In a little bit, we're going to hear from the lovely Katie Frame of the hilarious comedic singing duo the Reformed Whores. But before that, gonna start with a story that was done at one of our ALBANY Shows from Mr. Ethan Allman. Who could forget Ethan from his first appearance on the podcast, his Y' All Got Hambu story. And this new story here features even more pranks and shenanigans from his whippersnapper days. So without further ado, Here he is, Mr. Ethan Ullman for the story we call the Amazing Adventures of Ethan and the Lunch Monkey.
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B
Hey.
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F
No Hambu tonight. In this story, I apologize in advance. Was anyone here last time for the Hanboo story couple? You. So this story takes place before Hambu, or BH as we like to call it. I was in high school, and at the time, I didn't tell this story to anyone, you know, my closest friends, family members. No one knew this story. This is the first time I'm ever telling it. So you guys are very privileged to be here. So in high school, I was like a straight A student, straight edge, straight laced, everything. No one would have expected that. I almost got expelled. I was in lunch class. Lunch class. I was in lunch one day that was planned in the story. So you guys would laugh. I have to say that. No. So I was in lunch, and there was this one lunch monitor who everyone knew as the meanest lunch monitor. Her name was Ms. Harold. She would, like, Hulk over the lunchroom. She'd stomp around. She had no neck, you know, she. She had, like, straw, like, blonde hair. And she kind of looked like a combination of like, a cartoony, like, opera singer and a linebacker and maybe Jim Gaffigan. Just like this, you know, she's really tall. She couldn't move her neck. It was really weird. She was very mean to everyone. Everyone disliked her. She, you know, would yell at people. So one day, I'm eating lunch with my friend John. We sat together every day at lunch. Good friends, you know. We used to do pranks a lot. So, like, in lunch, we would do this thing called a Pringles surprise where we'd get one of those mini Pringles cans and we'd fill it with, like, soup and chocolate milk. And then we'd put the paper back on so it looked empty. And we'd put it in the hallway, and people would think it's empty and kick it, and it would just go all over the place. And once we were really upset that they were closing the snack line early during our lunch period. So one day I got those really thick winter gloves, and I put my hand in one of them, and then the other hand, I filled each finger with pretzel rods. And as they're sliding the snack line closed, I'm like, wait. And I stuck my hand and it crunched, and I was like, ah. For like, 30 seconds, just screaming, ah, my hand. And then finally I pulled it out. I was just like, ah. And I, like, stumbled through the lunchroom. Everyone was silent, just staring at me. So John and I, we put those kind of things together. So we're just eating lunch, and Ms. Harold, she walks over, and she sees this, like, pile of garbage that was left on the table from before we got there. She's like, you guys made this mess. You need to clean it up. Like, we didn't make this mess. We just got here. And she's like, I saw you do it. You need to clean it up. She was really rude to us, and it just really rubbed us the wrong way. So we would have been happy to. To help clean up. She asked nicely, but whatever. We were just really upset. So we decided that instead of lunch monitor, she was now lunch monkey. So just to each other, John and I would call her lunch monkey, but never, you know, like, very loud and outside of the lunchroom. Until one day I was just eating a salad, just eating a salad, and she comes up to me and she goes, stop. Was payback time. So the next day, I left my salad on the lunch table. We went to the exit, and we were kind of watching her, and she had to clean it up. She's all angry picking up the salad. And we thought that was funny, but we thought we could upgrade the situation. So the next day, the little salads were in a styrofoam bowl, and we cut the bottom off. So when she picked it up, all the lettuce fell out onto the table. That was really funny. And so then she kind of was picking up more carefully. So what we did is we cut the bowl in half, and we kind of glued it together with mayonnaise. So when she picked it up, it just cracked in half and, like, went all over the place. And so then she started getting really smart about it, and she would slide it to the edge of the table into her hand so it wouldn't fall over the place. So we put a glob of mayonnaise under the table. So all the while, while we're coming up with new salad, things to do, we were mad. So we. Whenever we were walking together in the hall, John and I would be like, oh, I saw the lunch monkey today. You know, anytime she's walking by, we said something about lunch monkey. And she was getting really irritated. So one day, we're walking out of gym class, and we see her coming down the hall, and we're just like, oh, gym class was a real lunch monkey today. And she goes, that is it. You two have been harassing me. I'm going to the principal's office, and I'm reporting you for harassment. John and I were speechless. We were really freaked out. We had to come up with some kind of plan in case we actually were called to the principal's office. So I said, all right, John. We had, like, 20 seconds walking to our next class. We didn't have any classes together, so it was like, just had a little bit of time to come up. I'm like, john, we are comic book artists. We are developing a story called the adventures of Lunch Monkey. What happens? The plot. The monkey escapes from a traveling circus, and he ends up at an army base. At the army base, they have an interview for a brand new cook for the whole army base. And the army general is a senile guy. He sees the monkey and he goes, that's our new chef. And the cadet goes, that's not our chef. That's a monkey. And the army general goes, that's a lunch monkey. We had, like, 20 seconds. All right, give me a break. So John's like, all right, I'll write it up. And we go our separate ways. And we got a couple hours left in the day, and we are just, you know, like, when you can just hear the clock ticking. We were just so nervous. We didn't know what was gonna happen. We're, you know, going over the story in our heads. So I'm in my last class of the day, and it's an advanced engineering course. And I'm like, you know, doing all this technical stuff. I can't really do it. I'm just so nervous. And the phone rings, and I know what's coming. My teacher answers. She goes, ethan, they. They want to see you at the principal's office. I'm like, really? That's peculiar. And, you know, all nonchalant. You know, I'm walking down the hall And I'm just going over my head, okay, traveling circus, Army General, Lunch Monkey, over and over in my head. I'm, like, dreading it. I'm like, oh, no. You know, I hope I get the story straight. They're going to be comparing our notes. I almost walk to the office, and I see John also walking to the office, like, thank God they call us together. So we go into the office, we sit down, and after a few minutes, they call us in. It's the principal's office. So we walk in, and there's the principal. And across from the principal is a New York State police officer. We walk in, we sit down, and the principal goes, do you two know why we called you down here today?
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B
No.
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F
Well, a member of our staff has reported the two of you for consistent harassment over the past few weeks. We take these claims very seriously and are anticipating very high consequences. We're like, what? He said. The staff member, Ms. Harold, said that you two have been calling her a lunch monkey. A lunch monkey. A lunch monkey. Wow. You know, it must be some kind of misunderstanding. You know, John and I, we're aspiring comic book artists. We've got this story called the Adventures of Lunch Monkey. You know, we've been talking about it a lot. You know, John's brother is like a publisher. He's going to try and get it published for us. You know, we're working on a website for it. You know, maybe she overheard us talking about this comic book that we're writing, and maybe she just, you know, heard it wrong. And he goes, to those of you listening on the podcast, he gave us a stern look, and we said, well, we have the comic if you want to see it. And he goes, oh, yes, please. So, and I got to give credit to John, he pulled this off perfectly. He unzips his bag and he, like, is starting to root through the bag as if he didn't know where it was, as if he hadn't written it like an hour before and put it in a spot. So he's like, kind of rooting through. He's, like, looking at open folders and finally pulls it out. And it's like kind of crinkled up piece of lined paper he ripped out of the notebook. There's still the frills on the edge. And he hands it to the principal. He takes it, he starts looking at it. He's about halfway through, and he looks up and he just makes eye contact with me. Goes back to reading it. As he's reading it, he starts to smile and he Starts to laugh. And he hands the comic to the police officer. And the police officer, you know, very stern, starts nodding his head, starts smiling. John and I are freaking out. And they hand it back to us, and they go, lunch monkey, huh? Well, boys. Or should I call you monkey? Boys, it seems like your story's checking out, but Ms. Harold is still very upset, and we would like you to speak to her. Oh, of course. You know, it's such a misunderstanding. We'll do whatever we can to make this right. So they bring. He walks out. He comes in, and, you know, the police officer's kind of looking at us. And she walks in, and she.
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A
Will.
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F
Not make eye contact with us. Her face is turning red. And she sits down, she's staring at the floor. And we start to explain the story, you know, traveling circus. We're in comic books. You know, we're aspiring artists, all this stuff. And we hand her the comic, and she looks at it. We see, like, the beads of sweat starting to drip down her. She throws it down, stands up, she goes, you two have been calling me a lunch monkey. I don't buy this comic book thing. You guys have been calling me a lunch monkey. Only when you're together, you call me a lunch monkey, and you're making messes at lunch, and you're leaving salads for me. And the principal goes, Ms. Harold, I don't know what's going on with the lunches and the salads. That's a different issue that we can discuss at a different time. Right now, we're talking about the lunch monkey. She is profusely sweating, her face is beet red. And she sits down, and we go, Ms. Harold, we're so sorry that you misconstrued our comic book idea for harassing you. We never intended that. If you're walking by and you hear us talk about this, we're so excited about it. We're just always talking about it. We're really sorry. She does not say anything. And as we're getting up to leave, I turn to the principal and I go, you know, once we get on the website, do you want me to send you the link? He goes, yeah, sure. So somehow we completely got away with it. And looking back now, I do totally regret it.
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G
I.
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F
You know, I'm sure, you know, she did it with the best intentions. You know, she's just trying to do her job. And we were, you know, we're kids and, you know, boys will be boys. But. So not too long after that, I had another big milestone in my life. I actually lost my virginity to a blonde girl. She's very nice. And after the deed, I found out that her aunt is Ms. Harold. So some people look back at losing their virginity as like, oh, I got with a real son of a bitch. But I look back at it as I got with a real niece of a lunch monkey. Thank you, guys.
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A
Sam.
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G
We'Ll be right back.
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B
We're back.
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A
So in my house, sex was something that we didn't really talk about ever. Ever. In fact, my mom kind of had this saying that anytime you asked her something like, mom, have you ever smoked pot? She'd say, once, and I didn't like it. Mom, have you ever been fingered? Once, and I didn't like it. Mom, do you ever give a blowjob to anyone? I didn't like it. That's all we heard from her. I think that that was sort of her way of answering the question and then just like, moving on. Moving on. I dealt with it. We're done. So, as you can imagine, I had a lot of questions about sex growing up. A lot of curiosity, a lot of just not being sure of how it worked, why you did it, all that stuff. But to my parents credit, it wasn't just my parents that weren't really talking to me about this. It seemed to be all of the adults everywhere who were very, very mysterious about the whole thing. That seemed like it should be something that should be very simple to explain. For example, I remember in second grade, my teacher pulling out a book, and it was a children's book. And it was illustrated with this sort of like color paper cutout shapes. And the book was called something like Everybody does it. And it was an exciting book. And each page had a pair of animals on it. So on the first page it'd be something like two cows humping. And you could see inside of the animals kind of X ray style. So you'd see a little cow dick. It's a little cow vagina. He'd be doing it, and the bottom would say, cows do it. Then you flip the page, there'd be two little chickens, like, going at his little chicken dick. Little chicken vaginas say, chickens do it too. Carry on. Carry on. Yes. And it started making a little bit of sense to me. It was looking good. And I was excited to see the last page because I knew it was going to be on the last page. So we get to the last page and it's two people, but the people are in a bed and. And they're up to their neck in a sheet. And they're not touching, and they're not looking at each other, and they're not hugging and they're not kissing. And nothing at the bottom it says, and people do it too. The end. So this was very confusing for me. For a very, very, very long time, I just sort of assumed that two people got into bed, some sperm would run out of dick up your leg into your vagina maybe. But no, I found out later that's not how it works. In fact, when I turned about 11, I learned a lot more about sex. I was at a friend's house, and she we were kind of bored, and we're going through our mom's stuff because that's what kids do when they're bored. And we found this book called the joyous, the 1971 edition. A lot of bush. It was exciting. Yeah. And we learned a lot from that book. Finally, things seemed to be a lot more clear. Things sort of made sense. I understood what the animals were doing a lot better, too. It was, like, really awesome. And we felt good about it. We felt excited. We felt like we were learning. We felt like we were growing up. We felt like we were understanding sex in a whole new way. And the other thing I remember very clearly about that book was the way that it made me feel down here. Kind of funny and tingly. It's kind of nice. And it was good. And it was something to celebrate until her mom caught us and she took the book away. Around this same time, my parents had won a back massager at my school auction. And at the time, I didn't really think too much about it. And on another boring afternoon when I have the same friend, I kind of happened to mention it to her. And she said, hey, let's pull it out and give each other massage. This little big rail play spa. And I was like, oh, okay, that's great. Let's do that. So I run up to my mom's room, we pull it down, I plug it in, I turn it on. It makes a sort of like a soothing V sound. It's nice. Kind of massage each other for a little while. And that got old really fast. So I start kind of screwing around with it, trying to make her laugh. And I put it on my elbow, and I'm like, look, I'm massaging my elbow. And she's like, laughing, you know, like, oh, I'm massaging my head. And she thinks, that's so funny. I think, well, what's funnier than that? I know I'm massaging my butt. And I kind of sit on it, and all of a sudden I feel this feeling that I had never felt before. Actually, I'd kind of felt it before when I had been reading the Joyous Sex book. Similar feeling Times by a thousand. I'm having this feeling and I look my friend dead in the eye and I say, you have to go home now. So I send her on her merry way. I run back upstairs, I pull down the device, I plug it in, I turn it on, it makes this V sound. I sit on it and I experience the best feeling I'd ever experienced in my entire life. It was really wonderful. And I knew it was good. I knew it was like a good thing. I knew it had something to do with sex, but I also knew I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't tell any adult because they seemed to be so weird about this stuff, right? So I had to sneak around and use it on the sly. So I thought I was being real sneaky about it. I go visit it every so often for the next couple of weeks, and everything was going okay until one day I go up there and it's gone, Just gone. I spent two whole days looking for it and I can't find it. And I'm getting a little desperate because this amazing world had been open to me and now was sliding out of my fingers and right in front of my very eyes. So I decided I would do what any logical thinking person would do. I went directly to my mother and said, where is the back massager? And as I asked her that, I saw in her eye that she has two eyes, by the way. I saw in her eyes that she knew. She knew what I'd been doing. And she looked at me all side eyed and she goes, I gave it away. Who buys a bag massager and then just gives it away like three weeks later? That is not a thing that happens. So I was pretty embarrassed about that whole thing, but way more than embarrassed. I was so horny and I needed to find something to replace the. So I went on a hunt for anything that vibrated. So I was like going around the house, I'm like sitting on my washing machine, I'm like, no, that's not gonna do it. And I'm trying to like ride the vacuum cleaner and that's not really working. And, you know, I finally totally understand why prepubescent girls are constantly asking their mothers for horses. Could have used one of those for sure. But I was not one to ever give up hope. So I racked my brain and racked my brain. I just thought, okay, okay, okay. What has a motor? What has a motor? What has a motor? And all of a sudden, I realized I had this toy that my dad had gotten me. And it was like. It was called something like. I want to say it was an erector set, because that's funny, but it wasn't called that. It was called something like kinectics or something. And it had little gears in it, and you put the pieces together, and you could put some wheels on it. And the best part about it was it came with a motor and a little battery pack. And so the little thing would go along. It wasn't really that fun to play with, but it had this fucking motor. So I took it with the battery pack, and I hid in the bathroom in our basement. And I started screwing around with it, trying to figure out, well, how can I get this to do something good? And to be honest with you, it was very painful. It wasn't really working out right away. But then I realized, as I didn't want to give up, I realized if I put enough layers between my body and this thing, there would be this sort of general vibration sense in this area that was kind of similar to the back massager. One thing that was different from the back massager was while the massager had that lovely sort of soothing sound, this had more of, like, a tone to it. Not the kind of thing you'd hear in a spa, perhaps. But that was okay because we were in business. It was gonna be great. But I knew because it made so much sound, I was gonna have to be a little bit more stinky with it. It was gonna be fine. But we were gonna have, like, a relationship that would parallel no other relationship ever in the history of vibrator and woman. So I proceeded to, like, sneak around, and when my parents weren't home or right after school or whenever I could, I'd sneak into, go visit my little homemade vibrator. And in fact, I used it so much that I started to kind of wear it out a little. In fact, there were these two wires that connected the batteries to the motor. And eventually, the little plugs that would connect into the battery part fell off, and the wire just got, like, real raw, like, worn out. So I would just hold the wires to either side of the battery, just get my little rock off like that. It's great. Yes. Scary. But it was fine. I was happy. It was, like, the best time of my life at that time. It was really exciting, and I thought, everything's gonna be great. We're all gonna be good. They'll never find out. Until one fateful day. You know, puberty is a bitch. And you never know how you're gonna feel from one day to another. And I think on this particular day, little Jimmy had probably rubbed up against my boob one too many times in math class or something, and I was feeling, like, a little horny. And I was like, I need to use my thang. I gotta use it, like, really, really bad. Really, really bad. So I couldn't stop thinking about it. I went through a whole, like, dinner thinking about it. I was like, I'm sneak off right after dinner. I'm gonna try to figure out a way to use it somehow. And unfortunately, that particular day, my dad decided that he wanted to watch TV downstairs, which he never, ever, ever did. So I kind of went down with him and I was like, are you done yet? Are you gonna keep watching more shows? Why? Why are you gonna do that to me? And finally, I just. I couldn't hold it anymore. I was, like, in agony. And I just sort of stood up and said, I have to use the bathroom now. And so I just went into the bathroom and I pulled out my little device. And as soon as I put those little raw wires onto the ends of the batteries and it made that grr sound, I knew I was gonna be busted. And I thought, oh, God, this is not a good idea. I should not do this. I did it anyway. About 20 minutes later, I was finished. And I just really realized I'm going to be in such big trouble. I'm going to be in such big trouble. He's going to be so weird about this. He's going to be mad. It's going to be awkward. It's going to be awful. So I put my little thing away. I step out, I'm ready to face the music. And he says nothing. Nothing. And I think, either I totally got away with this or what I'm doing is totally fine. And I've been making a big deal about it for nothing, you know? So I sit down. I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling relaxed and feeling like everything's okay. Go to bed, happy that night, wake up the next day. I decided I'm going to go visit it again if it's not a big deal, right? So I go down and it is gone, along with any hope of me ever having a normal sexual future. Just kidding. Sort of. But what kind of came with all that was like, an immense amount of humiliation and just a sense that, like, wow, What I have done must be really, really bad because my parents won't even talk to me about it. It's not even something that's worthy of a conversation. So the guilt that I carried around for a long time after that was just awful. Didn't mean I didn't stop masturbating, but didn't have anything vibrating. So I figured other ways to do it. But I was very, very fortunate in that when I hit my senior year in high school, I was in a game of Truth or Dare, and one of my friends, a girlfriend, admitted that she masturbated. And I swear it changed everything for me. And all this of guilt was lifted. And I felt so relieved. And then I felt really angry because I thought, you know, this is ridiculous, that this is something that everybody's doing and nobody's talking about. And I carried all this on me for such a long time. So eventually I felt free about it. I started talking about it more. And like you heard, I started a band called Reformed Whores. And that's all we talk about. Just talk about, like, sex and masturbating and poop and everything no one wants to hear about. It's great. And it gives people a chance to, like, be open to these things that they don't feel comfortable maybe talking about themselves. So I feel really good about that. So I think a lot about my parents not talking to me about this. And I think, well, why did they do that? And I think, well, number one, because they didn't want to embarrass me. But probably more importantly, they didn't want to feel embarrassed themselves in that moment. So my advice to anyone that's contemplating, you know, maybe having a talk with their kids or not having a talk with their kids, I would say do it. Because a little bit of embarrassment right now is nothing compared to the world of embarrassment you're going to face after your kids start making a living about talking about sex. Thank you. I was sitting on a bank of a river up and down before.
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B
Saw.
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A
You floating right by me On a little raft made of straw I thought I'd never really feel this feeling and think feel it so well and now I need you Like a fire needs air Like a house needs a door Needs a door Like a boy needs a girl Like a sea needs a shore Like a boat needs an oar Like a lion needs a mate Like a child needs a name Like a bird needs a tree like you need me.
- [33:22]
B
This is Risk.
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E
This is Sarah Humphries behind me now. And we just heard from the wonderful Katie Frame of the Reformed Whores. They are a delightfully funny singer, songwriting duo. In a little bit, we're going to hear from comedian Rob Lathan, but before that, we're going to hear from another comedian with musical chops. You can find his music and comedy@Benlerman.net Here is Ben Lurman now at the Risk Live show in New York City with a story we call Intense Friendships at the bus depot.
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B
So my story starts out in Indiana, where I grew up in an Orthodox. Oh, we got some Hoosiers in the house like you do. And so I grew up in an Orthodox Jewish family. Happy Passover, everybody. Or a Happy Pesach, if there's any Orthodox Jews. So I grew up in an Orthodox Jewish family and we were a little loose in my family. I had extended. My extended family was for real. For real, like black cat and, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. But my family, we drove on Saturday and my cousins lived, super Orthodox cousins lived across the street. So when my parents would drive us to Little League, we would duck in the car if we saw them. That's the situation. Anyway, so I grew up in South Bend, Indiana, and When I was 17, I went to prom. And after prom, my friend Jenna, who got me into smoking a little marijuana. I don't think my mother's forgiven her yet. It's been a wonderful, wonderful time ever since then. But Jenna and I decided, well, Jenna was a big deadhead and she had a lot of friends who were Deadheads. And she invited me to come with her to this Dead show. And I was gonna drive us, and I was borrowing my dad's car so I couldn't tell my parents that we were going because they would, you know, they would know that there was a real problem. They would have a real problem with that. So I made up this lie and I told my parents that we were going to an amusement park not far from where the Dead show was happening. It was in Ohio, and Buckeye Lake, Ohio, was the show. I told them we were going to Sandusky, Ohio, to Cedar Point Amusement Park. Little kernel of truth, little kernel in the lie. Very important. So Jenna and I, and Jenna's friend Carol got in this car to my dad's car to go see the Grateful Dead. And we had to wake up at 6 o' clock in the morning and leave real early because part of the fun, apparently this was all new to me, but according to Jenna, part of the fun was everything that happened before the show and through this whole counterculture Scene going on with fire, jugglers and lots of drugs. Lots of. And lots of drugs. So we got in the car, 6am and set out bright and early on a Saturday morning day after prom. And about three hours into the trip, after the second joint is going around the car. Be careful. If you're driving through Indiana and Ohio, there are stone teenagers on the road. The second joint's to going. Going around. And I take a hit and I have an epiphany. And my reaction to this epiphany driving down the highway is to say, fuck.
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F
Fuck.
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A
Oh, fuck. Shit. Fuck.
- [37:31]
B
And I pulled over and screeched on the brakes and pulled into the shoulder there. And I just tried to catch my breath. Jenna. It's like, what? What the fuck's going on? What the fuck's going on? What is that all about? What is that? What's going on? Are you okay? What's happening? And I said, carol, she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. She sort of was like, what? I just remember. I just picture the face of Janice, the Muppet. I think that's accurate. Not sure. I don't remember exactly, but very, you know, little deadhead. And she's like, what's going on, man? Is everything cool? You know, Jenna is like, what is happening? I said, we have to turn around. We have to go back. And she's like, we can't go back. We're going to meet Jenna's friends and her boyfriend, and we can't turn back. We can't. And she was right. We couldn't turn back. We were too far. Three hours. We would have missed the whole thing. So I had to do some quick thinking because what had happened was this. The day before, I had purchased a video cassette tape. Some of you might not know what that is. It's like an old. It's an old QuickTime. It's an old QuickTime. You can buy them at different stuff. I had purchased this VHS tape at a small bookstore and had left the. This tape in the vcr. It contained a movie on this tape. It was an independent film by the title of Bus Depot was the name of this. And I'll just sum it up for you real quick. It was a story about men who were ostensibly strangers, and they would meet in the bathroom of the bus depot, the eponymous bus depot, and they would have very intense friendships and then depart, just leave for places unknown. The director left that open where you never found out where they were going after that. Didn't find out. But I very much enjoyed this film. It was a good one. And I left it in the VCR in my parents living room and then drove three hours into Ohio. And I was totally freaking out, not knowing what to do. And I couldn't come clean to Jenna. And I just had to figure things out. I was like, okay, we won't turn around, but I have to stop at the next service plaza. Because in my mind, I knew I had to go into damage control because the worst possible nightmare scenarios were playing in my mind of what would happen. Right. Well, that my dad would find it. Because one time I rented a movie called the Last American Virgin. And that was just like a teenage comedy romp. And he was like, what the hell is this crap? And he was real. He wasn't happy about the last American verse. So I knew he would. And I just. You did not want to incur the wrath of my father. It was a much, much better relationship we have now. Anyway, that was. And then I guess my little cousins across the street, 12 and 13 year old cousins, like, they might want to come over and watch like Aladdin or whatever Disney movie was popular at the time and instead be treated to bus depot. And then my dad, then my dad would find out. So I had to do some damage control. So I decided, okay, I'm gonna stop at the next service plaza and I'm gonna call home and call my mom. And Jenna was like, okay. She was just willing to let it go because I had agreed not to ruin her life by turning around. That would. That's totally grounds for ruining someone's life at that age. So the next service plaza comes, I get out of the car and I made my way to the payphone. A payphone is this box you put money into and it would place a cell call for you. So I called home and as the phone was ringing, I was really bracing myself because I realized this is sort of a turning point moment for me. And I knew that things could really change going forward. And my mom answered, and I was relieved that she answered. And she said, is everything okay? And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, yes, yes, everything is okay. But I have to tell you something. And she said, yeah. And I said, well, there are these kids at school that think I'm gay. And they planted a tape in my car. And I watched it and it was pornography. It was homosexual pornography. And I was just horrified by it. And I turned it off and I forgot about it right there in the vc. And she's like, uh huh. And I said, you know, would you take it out for Me just so nobody gets the wrong idea. And she was like, okay. I was like, great, great. Well. And she was like, okay, well, have a nice time at Cedar Point. And I was, I will. And thanks, Mom. I appreciate it. And we said goodbye. And I was so relieved that she had bought my story about that. And it was almost to the point where I started to believe it a little bit, you know, But I just felt relieved and I felt better. And there was a lot going through my mind about, like, maybe she didn't believe it. And I got back to the car, we start driving, another joint goes around, and Carol is like, yeah, man. And then Jenna is like, what the fuck? What the fuck is going on? You have to tell me now what the fuck is going on? And I again, like, knew that this was a moment where I could unburden myself of this weight I'd been carried around. And I took a deep breath and I looked at Jenna and I said, there are these kids at school that think I'm gay. And I planted a tape in my car. Jenna was like, uh huh. And we just agreed to let it go. And we got real high, real high, and made it. We made it safely, without incident to the Grateful Dead show and eventually did make it home. And, you know, later on, I did come out to my mom officially, who had not bought the story, it turned out, did not buy the story at all. And I was about to go be a foreign exchange student for a year in Brussels, but my mom really wanted me to come out to my dad, so she sort of set it up that he would take me to the airport. And it worked out really well, because at the airport, you know, basically it was like, dad, I'm gay. I'll see you in a year. That was very nice. It was. I'm lucky to have such warm and supportive parents. And I do realize that. And I would just close this story up with this. I don't know how long it was later, but if a little while later I was talking about this with my mom and we were laughing a little bit, and I asked her, so, did you watch Bus Depot? And she said she did. And I said, were you disgusted by it? And she said no. I don't know if she was kidding or not, but she said no, I was kind of turned on. There it is. Thank you.
- [46:09]
F
The wheels on the bus go round.
- [46:11]
A
And round Round and round Round and.
- [46:14]
F
Round the wheels on the bus go.
- [46:16]
A
Round and round.
- [46:26]
G
Yeah, thanks for having me. You know, my whole life I've asked myself, why am I Here, you know, why am I here on this earth? To get wasted. Yes. At least that's what I thought. In college when I was at the University of North Carolina, I was clueless. I was just completely lost. Didn't know what I was doing. It didn't help matters when I was at the University of North Carolina in college that my nickname became Gump. Now, truthfully, I didn't really like the nickname Gump, but I just ran with it, you know, that's all I had going for me. That and just getting blackout drunk every single night. That's all I was good at, just being a blackout Gump. And this happened especially during fraternity hazing events. That's when I would shine, you know, that's when I would get really blackout. During January, the first Monday after holiday break at the fightout fraternity, we had a very intense hazing night scheduled. The brothers were pissed at us, so we were taken down to the basement boiler room, which was this tiny, decrepit, smelly room with leaky pipes. We were blindfolded, and we were given bottles of Cisco to drink. Now, Cisco is 40 proof alcohol. The slogan on the bottle of Cisco said liquid cocaine. So that gives you an idea what's in there. I don't think it's for sale anymore. It's illegal now. But we were given Cisco and told to chug it. And I gladly chugged as much as I wanted, you know, as much as I could that, you know, I wanted to, you know, stand out from the group. And the brothers took notice. They're like, you guys should be more like Gump. Look at him. Hey, Gump. Say Ginny every time you chug. So I gladly obliged. I go Jenna. And the brothers would die laughing. They thought I was hilarious. But after a few rounds of chug races, things started to get ugly. A few of the pledges started to vomit blood. Yeah, I looked over one of my pledge brothers next to me was vomiting blood while simultaneously crying while the brothers were yelling, come on, junk. You gotta drink more. So everybody was drinking more, vomiting more. There's just blood and, you know, Cisco everywhere. Finally, the brothers decided, well, we better take some of these pledges up and, you know, put them to bed. But I remained. I was like the last pledge standing, chugging as much Cisco as I could. By the end of the hazing ritual, the basement was just an ocean of blood and vomit and empty bottles of Cisco with a blackout out of his mind. Gump sea creature just stumbling around going, J day. Until finally, in my blackout Gump state I passed out. Yeah. The brothers tried to revive me, but I wouldn't respond. So they took me up, they ran me under the shower. I still wouldn't wake up. At that point, I started to turn blue. So they decided to take me to the hospital. They gave me boxer shorts, carried me into the car, drove me to the hospital, carried me out of the car, slammed the door. But the door caught on my boxer shorts, which ripped apart. So I went into the hospital completely nude and blue. I was taken to the emergency room. And that's when things started to get grim. Half the fraternity was waiting in the waiting room, thinking that I might not make it. They had IVs connected to me, pumped my stomach, just tried to do whatever they could to revive me. Finally, after several hours of this, I finally woke up out of my alcohol induced coma. Now, I don't remember waking up. I was still blackout drunk when I woke up, but apparently the first words I uttered were, where is the world? Where is the world? Pretty profound stuff for a guy known as Gump. Never uttered where's the world? In my life. But I guess, you know, during my blackout state, I can be pretty profound, pretty deep. In the end, I'd registered a blood alcohol level of 0.607, which was, according to hospital records, that was the highest ever blood alcohol level in the history of North Carolina.
- [52:03]
B
Yeah, you can clap.
- [52:05]
G
Yeah.
- [52:06]
B
Thank you.
- [52:06]
F
Thank you.
- [52:08]
G
You're looking at a record holder, ladies and gentlemen. But actually, funny you should say that, my nickname from that point on was changed from Gump to 607, which is. It's kind of fucked up, but, you know, it's better than Gump. Better to be called 607. It became an anthem, and I was sort of a hero to my fellow pledge brothers. They got initiated right away, and we were no longer hazed at parties. I was introduced as 607. At one party, a friend of mine introduced me to his friend and was like, you gotta check out this guy. He got a.607. To which his friend said, no way you got a 607. Oh, man, you beat me. I got a 50. But he was actually confused. He wasn't talking about his blood alcohol level. He was talking about his grade point average. So that shows you the level of intelligence that I was dealing with in college. In order to be released out of the hospital, I was required to attend an intensive rehab facility In Durham, North Carolina. At the rehab facility, there was a doctor named Dr. Raj who was from India. Dr. Raj took me through a diagram of the level of drunkenness. So showed me a stick figure at 0.10 who was stumbling around drunk. Then at 20 the stick figure was passed out. Then at 40 there was a gravestone. The stick figure died. Now Dr. Raj pointed to the gravestone and said, death here. And then looked at me sternly and pointed off the page to the right and said, you hear? So I was, you know, not even in the diagram. I also had a support group at the rehab filled with there's coke addicts, heroin addicts. There was a crack addict named Darrell who had recently gone on a three day bender, leaving his wife and three year old son to go to a crack house and smoke crack for 72 hours straight. But when Darrell heard my story, he said, damn son, that's fucked up. At the time I went to AA every single day and I got into it, you know, and I wasn't drinking at that time. But this isn't a typical Hollywood story where there's this moment of clarity and I hit rock bottom and then immediately I'm clean and sober. I eventually eased myself back into dream drinking. And I drink now, which maybe some of you think I shouldn't, but you know, I haven't. I don't get into trouble. I don't get completely blackout drunk. At least you know, I haven't blown a 607 anytime recently. And I think, I guess the reason is I just needed to get the hell out of college. But also just moving to New York City ironically sort of helped me find my way. And just performing, doing this sort of helped me out, you know, I still don't really know what I'm doing. I'm still fucking clueless. I'm still searching, you know, searching for the answer to life's eternal question, where is the world? Thank you very much.
- [56:11]
A
Sam.
- [56:41]
B
Sleep don't visit so I choke on sun and the days blur into one of the backs of my eyes on the things I've never done she swaying from our own clothes line like a row of cashier go. Never much but we've made the most. Welcome home.
- [57:43]
E
Well, that is all for this episode, folks. This is radical. Face behind me now. And that was Rob Lathan that we just heard at the Risk live show in New York City. You can find him@roblathan.com. listen, if you're interested in submitting your own stories, don't forget to look us up at risk d show.com submissions or just write to me directly@kevinrisk show.com and folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [58:20]
A
Sam thank you.
- [58:51]
G
Troy. Wendy's Y' all got Hambu. What?
- [58:57]
A
Is that the Hambu guy again? Yeah.
- [59:00]
G
That's three times today. You say you'll never join the Navy.
- [59:10]
B
That you never track storms brewing in the Atlantic.
- [59:14]
G
And skydiving could never be.
- [59:16]
B
Part of your commute. You'd never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit or fly so fast you break the sound barrier. Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Start your journey@navy.com, america's Navy forged by the sea.
- [59:37]
F
Support for this podcast and the following message comes from America's Navy. The Navy offers new graduates hands on.
- [59:44]
E
Training and experience in careers like computer science, aviation and medicine, plus education and sign on bonuses. Parents help your grads start their career today@navy.com.