A Holiday Sausage Express Delivery with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Summary of Episode: "A Holiday Sausage Express Delivery with Trixie and Katya"

The episode "A Holiday Sausage Express Delivery with Trixie and Katya," hosted by Matty and Andrew, navigates through a tapestry of everyday frustrations, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions. Balancing humor with heartfelt moments, the duo offers listeners a candid glimpse into their lives, peppered with memorable quotes and relatable experiences.

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Delivery Dilemmas

Matty and Andrew kick off the episode by venting about the perennial hassles of package deliveries. Matty shares her frustration with lost luggage, humorously attributing it to her "giant drag bag" being too shy for the journey:

• Matty [03:22]: "My luggage was lost yesterday. I have one—my giant drag bag on a different flight. How does that happen?"

Andrew adds his woes about essential medications requiring constant presence at home, highlighting the inflexibility of delivery schedules:

• Andrew [03:04]: "I can’t get it shipped to me because I have to, what, be sitting home all day to receive it?"

Their shared annoyance with delivery services sets a relatable tone, resonating with anyone who's faced similar issues during the hectic holiday season.

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Flight Follies

Transitioning to their experiences with air travel, Matty and Andrew recount tales of uncomfortable cabin interactions and the absurdities of airline protocols. Matty describes her battle with automated customer service when trying to retrieve her lost bag:

• Matty [07:03]: "It took me like, 45 minutes to get to a person who tried to get me back with the robot. I was like, not today, ma'am."

Andrew humorously critiques the rigidity of airline seating arrangements and the challenges of navigating crowded aisles:

• Andrew [09:17]: "When I have to pee, [...] 'I'm getting up because I don't want you to straddle me, you fucking weirdo.'" [09:27]

Their lighthearted banter about fellow passengers' peculiar behaviors adds levity to the shared frustrations of flying.

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Healthcare Hurdles

A significant portion of the discussion delves into the complexities and shortcomings of the American healthcare system. Andrew expresses skepticism about the value of health insurance, contemplating whether saving money independently might be a more reliable safety net:

• Andrew [21:05]: "I have health insurance and lately I've been like, should I just put away that money every month?"

Matty echoes his sentiments, vehemently labeling the system as a scam and critiquing the commercialization of healthcare:

• Matty [21:30]: "I think it’s a scam. I know it’s a scam. I know it’s a crock of shit."

They contrast their views with experiences from the UK healthcare system, highlighting disparities and the impact of policy on personal well-being.

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Personal Stories & Documentaries

Matty and Andrew share heartfelt reflections on powerful documentaries they've watched, underscoring themes of love, loss, and systemic injustice. Andrew recounts watching a documentary about Patrice, a woman fighting legal barriers to marry her partner without risking disability benefits:

• Andrew [45:35]: "It was a really moving documentary… I sobbed like a baby."

Matty discusses her reluctance to engage with another emotionally charged documentary about the families affected by the Sandy Hook tragedy:

• Matty [48:13]: "I can't watch that. I can't watch that."

Their emotional responses highlight the profound impact of storytelling in shedding light on societal issues.

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Parenting and Personal Anecdotes

Shifting to lighter yet equally engaging topics, Matty and Andrew delve into the trials and tribulations of parenting. Matty shares her encounters with Avi's adorable and mischievous daughter, Lucy, showcasing the chaos and cuteness children bring:

• Matty [51:19]: "She was just being three and a half hysterical cute… I wanted to kidnap her."

Andrew discusses his challenges with his niece's behavior, illustrating the balance between discipline and affection:

• Andrew [53:06]: "She sprayed shit all over the walls…but I told her, this isn't your house… sit here with me."

Their honest and humorous take on parenting fosters a sense of camaraderie among listeners navigating similar challenges.

---

Notable Quotes

• Matty on Lost Luggage: "How does that happen?" [03:22]
• Andrew on Health Care Costs: "Should I just put away that money every month?" [21:05]
• Matty on Healthcare System: "I think it’s a scam." [21:30]
• Andrew on Patrice Documentary: "I sobbed like a baby." [45:35]
• Matty on Parenting Lucy: "I wanted to kidnap her." [51:19]

---

Conclusion

In "A Holiday Sausage Express Delivery with Trixie and Katya," Matty and Andrew adeptly blend humor with poignant reflections, creating an engaging narrative that resonates on multiple levels. From the everyday frustrations of deliveries and flights to deeper discussions about healthcare and personal struggles, the episode offers a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of modern life. Their ability to intertwine laughter with sincerity ensures listeners both chuckle and ponder long after the episode concludes.

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Transcript

[Unknown Host]

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[Matty]

You know that feeling when you're at.

[Andrew]

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[Andrew]

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[Andrew]

See DutchBros.com.

[Matty]

Ding Dong hi, I'm a FedEx man. Are you home at 1pm on a Monday? Nope.

[Andrew]

That's what girl this whole country.

[Matty]

Signature required.

[Andrew]

Signature required. PM oh, what do you mean you're not home? Oh, you have four jobs to try to. You know. You know.

[Matty]

Ding dong. Thursday 11:00am I'm the UPS man. Signature required. Mary, I'm. My blood is boiling.

[Andrew]

I know it's. Well, can I tell you what else? What about essential medicines? What My little. My arthritis shot that I have to get once a month. I can't get it shipped to me because I have to, what, be sitting home all day to receive it? I'm arthritic, but not that arthritic. You know what I mean?

[Matty]

They don't. That's. Well, that's crazy because I have my medication delivered.

[Andrew]

Yeah, but it's a shot.

[Matty]

Oh, who can we call?

[Andrew]

It's just. And then also any package. Any. Anything. It's being delivered today. I hope you're home between the hours of 8am and 8pm to receive your package.

[Matty]

That. So My luggage was lost yesterday. I had one. My giant drag bag on a different flight. How does that happen? How does that happen? Different flight, A later flight. I don't know.

[Andrew]

Was it.

[Matty]

She was shy that. That bag was so shy. She's like, I don't want to go yet.

[Andrew]

Was it United? It was.

[Matty]

Of course it was United. The fuck.

[Andrew]

You're not even United with your own bags on United. Okay? You're trying to be reunited.

[Matty]

I spent an hour on the phone last night with a robot, texting with a robot. I was like, this is enriching. This is very lovely. This is pleasure.

[Andrew]

Megan, can I have my bag?

[Matty]

It took me, like. It took me like, 45 minutes to get to a person who tried to get me back with the robot. I was like, not today, ma'am. Not tonight. Will I eat my noodles? No, I just. I've got to talk about noodles next.

[Andrew]

I don't want to talk about the airport all the time, but it is all we do. It doesn't matter where I'm going, where I'm coming from. Where did you come from? Cotton. Ey, Joe, the flight to OR from la. The freaks come out tonight. The freaks come out tonight. It is. There was a woman across from me. She was an A and I was an F or whatever. So I was across the whole aisle. Because on Delta, it's A, B, C, D. But otherwise it's like a L, semicolon, number one. Yeah, yeah. They're really differently.

[Matty]

Wait, did you play United?

[Andrew]

Yeah, Mama.

[Matty]

I was in the middle seat in a business class the first time in my life.

[Andrew]

What is that?

[Matty]

So they had. This is like, you know, first world problems, whatever they had. So the row goes like, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Big. It was a big plane. So there was like four of us in the middle.

[Andrew]

I don't like that.

[Matty]

I don't either. I don't like it at all. And then they had.

[Andrew]

That's catfishing.

[Matty]

They had people facing the other way.

[Andrew]

That's catfishing.

[Matty]

Isn't that strange?

[Andrew]

That's like when the trade has one of those bass pro shop hats on. And he comes over to your house and he's like, hey, girl, you know, pick a storyline. Bass pro top. That's what I want. Bass pro shop hat. I like a real thick and juicy. What if I just started singing that whole song?

[Matty]

I would. I would hear it and listen to it and be there for you.

[Andrew]

Thank you for a piece of that bubble. It's. He kind of has a pink. Oh, what were you singing?

[Matty]

I thought. I thought it was something else.

[Andrew]

Oh, I was singing baby got back.

[Matty]

Baby got back? Yeah, baby got back My anna conda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Matty]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew]

Well, that's Nicki minaj. But these are different songs, which is confusing because songs now are songs that existed.

[Matty]

Time goes by so slowly.

[Andrew]

Not slowly enough, right? Okay, here we are, girl. The flight across from me, she. I mean, sometimes I'm like, there's two types of people I see on the LA flights all the time. One of them is straight guy, black, black hat, black cat on his head. Black hat, black wayfarer song, black jacket, black shirt.

[Matty]

This.

[Andrew]

It was computer.

[Matty]

Okay, Right.

[Andrew]

It's like you just maker. It's always like the outfit.

[Matty]

Are you an indie? Yeah. Are you.

[Andrew]

Are you running final cut?

[Matty]

Oh, I'm finding it very difficult to profile you at this moment.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Are you working for an ad agency? Oh, it's like so corny, BO you know, I want to look over and see like a Richard Simmons type guy in a clown wig going like, yes, that's what I want. And then the woman from L. A. There's kind of two classes, but it's older blond woman, warm in swollen cheeks, trout pout, the jacked lip. The face is collapsing.

[Matty]

Monogrammed. Orville onesie.

[Andrew]

Orville beck.

[Matty]

Oh, more important. More important.

[Andrew]

Let's see what he says.

[Matty]

More important person. Oh, yeah, him to say slur.

[Andrew]

What?

[Matty]

Get her, jade.

[Andrew]

Hello. You're on the bald and the beautiful. Hello. Oh, I own friend. Hello, friend. Say hi to the girls. Hi, girl.

[Matty]

Country music zone. Orville peck.

[Andrew]

How are we today? And what do you want to just say your phone number real quick so everybody can reach out?

[Matty]

What was that address again? Cheroya Avenue.

[Andrew]

6969. Can I call you later?

[Matty]

Yeah, please.

[Andrew]

Well, I hope you're having a nice chat. Love you ladies, miss you. I love You.

[Matty]

Goodbye. Goodbye. I knew.

[Andrew]

Nervous, huh?

[Matty]

I. I know he was going to. You know what he was going to do? Say something very, very off color.

[Andrew]

What was it?

[Matty]

I'm not exactly going to say high.

[Andrew]

Slut or high and.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

I don't know.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

But then he went Miss America on us real quick. Hi, thems and ladies and gentle thems, persons of interest in the local area.

[Matty]

What about this. What about this woman on the flight, which I wish I saw more of? Yoga in the aisle. You know how when we used to do lunges down the. Down the terminal? What about yoga in the aisle?

[Andrew]

Well, can I say, in her most flexible days, most flexible, there would be this thing you would do. We're in the seat. She would bring the legs straight. She would hug the ankles to the face.

[Matty]

On the flight, it's because you got to stretch your body out. This. I mean, I shift so much. I put the. I got to do. I got to do arching. I do twisting. It's like, if you're like. Especially if you're like, so flexed like.

[Andrew]

This for like four hours, it's hard.

[Matty]

Horrible.

[Andrew]

It's bad.

[Matty]

But this woman. I was next to this woman, I had the window seat. She was in the aisle. She couldn't get up. And she really wanted me to know why. Like, it was. I don't know. She was injured and she wanted to tell me all about it.

[Andrew]

She was injured, but.

[Matty]

But I did not care. Like, she had this look like. Like, I can't. I can't get up. So you just have to go over me.

[Andrew]

Oh, love that.

[Matty]

I was like, that's fine. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to talk to you. I'll just scoot over.

[Andrew]

She.

[Matty]

Every time I like. And then when we were deplaning, she was like, you know what I love.

[Andrew]

On the planes, too? This is what I love when it's you. And I don't. I like the window seat.

[Matty]

No.

[Andrew]

So.

[Matty]

Because I don't get up.

[Andrew]

But when I do have to pee, when it's that once a day, when I gotta let loose that hot oil. You know what I mean? And the person next to me, always, like, an older guy, always a bigger guy, does this, I'm like, can I get up? And they go, oh, no, no, mama.

[Matty]

We'Re not doing it. I'm like, we're not doing that.

[Andrew]

I'll be your red line special. Because I'm not.

[Matty]

He had a comment.

[Andrew]

If you're gonna make me climb over you. No, you're gonna get like the. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I would like a tea. Can I have a water and a tea? Did you need something from the restroom girl? Cuz I'm not like, I'm not doing. I'm not Gabby Douglas. I can't do a sprint. I can't do the jump over this.

[Matty]

This is so funny.

[Andrew]

You said that.

[Matty]

This short like guy who. He did this the whole flight. He's like, hey, hey, hey. I was like, what? But so he was like 5, 8 and I. So I wanted to do this because I was in the aisle. I like swing my legs over into the aisle.

[Andrew]

That's fine. No shit.

[Matty]

He didn't want that. He wanted. He was like, he was hell bent on not inconveniencing me. So he just wanted me to do that. Because he's a little shorter and smaller. I was like, no, I don't like that.

[Andrew]

But now I've tasted your hole, right?

[Matty]

So I got up and he almost told me to, like, he was like, you don't need to get up. I was like, I'm getting up because I don't want you to straddle me, you fucking weirdo.

[Andrew]

He said, no, no, no, no, don't get up. But the whole flight he was like, hey. I was like, what? He's pointing up like we're in the air.

[Matty]

Yeah, yeah. I just like smile and I have my headphones on. I'm like, there's my body language indicates nothing social or interested in you right now. It's just so crazy.

[Andrew]

Also for some reason, this flight yesterday, normally, you know, maybe we get recognized by maybe a flight attendant and we'll get recognized the most if we're together.

[Matty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

Because it's like, that can't be. I guess it is.

[Matty]

And also a lot of flight attendants are gay.

[Andrew]

Gay, right. So this one, this was crazy. I'm going to blow everybody's mind. This woman came up to me at the. What was it? The. Where were we? Madison.

[Matty]

Madison.

[Andrew]

Madison Airport. I've never flown out of Madison Airport in my life because I'm always just drive back to Milwaukee, whatever. No, that was Chicago. This woman comes up to me and she goes, I saw you checking your bags and I wasn't sure if it was you, but I have to say I'm a huge fan. And of course she's a fan of ours. So she's gorgeous. She has big beautiful almond, like young, beautiful girl in the prime of her life. And she's in one of those. But she's in her Work drag. So it's an orange sweater or orange vest because she's from the Runway.

[Matty]

Oh.

[Andrew]

Kind of like me.

[Matty]

Oh, oh, the thingy. Yeah.

[Andrew]

She's in her, like, work drag, but I'm like, oh, wow. I bet you win. This girl puts on a little pussy dress. She really have it? Yeah, but she's in the cargo pant. You know, she's in the.

[Matty]

She's. Yeah.

[Andrew]

I go, what do you do? She said, you're gonna feel me on your flight. I said, what? This grip. Like, imagine the grip. Imagine the grip. She said, I'm the one who pulls back on the flight. I said, what are you talking about?

[Matty]

Pouring out for the pull out and the double laughs. So wait, she's the one who. What now?

[Andrew]

She told me that when a flight pulls back, do you know this.

[Matty]

What is pullback?

[Andrew]

So, you know, they close the boarding door and they go, put your seatbelts on. And the flight didn't sit down. And there's a. Before the flight can fly forward, it has to back away from the airport.

[Matty]

Okay.

[Andrew]

She says, most commercial planes can't back up. And she drives the little machine that pulls the plane backwards.

[Matty]

Imagine the grip.

[Andrew]

I. Yeah, I think she just grabs it with her pussy lips and crab walks backwards. Yeah. But I. All my years of flying, I did not know planes can't back up.

[Matty]

I had no idea. I thought you just reverse. They have the camera, like the Lexus and everything.

[Andrew]

So she was like. She was like, when you feel the plane go backwards, like, think of me. I'm down there pulling the.

[Matty]

Think of my hot grip, tight pussy.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Matty]

Pliers on that plane.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

Damn.

[Andrew]

And I guess she told everybody on the plane that there was a quote unquote, famous person. So the flight attendant took a picture of. And then the flight attendant comes up and goes, sir, put your bag underneath this. And he goes to reach. And then he goes, your bag's fine. I just. I wanted a reason to stop and say, it's great to have a famous person on the flight. And I said, there isn't a famous person.

[Matty]

I'm not. Just me.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

I'm not that person.

[Andrew]

And he goes, I don't know. You know, I don't. I'm gonna have to Google you. But he didn't know. No, he was just like, it's great to just have a famous person.

[Matty]

Wow. Just generally famous.

[Andrew]

Just generally famous.

[Matty]

Well, so when I was in Madison, my. I went out with Avi to lunch, and he counted it, got recognized 10 times.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

What?

[Andrew]

Collegetown.

[Matty]

It Was wild.

[Andrew]

Beyonce in Madison.

[Matty]

Yeah, it was a little weird because half of them were. Were very, like.

[Andrew]

Violent.

[Matty]

They were a little dramatic, a little disruptive, the crying a little embarrassing. Yeah. But the other half were like, just chill, whatever. Sometimes I just keep. If I hear something, I have a. I have a sixth sense that's just hearing. And I like, I kind of.

[Andrew]

You know, my favorite is when people go, like, let's say their sister's a huge fan. And they go, oh, my God, my sister's going to die. And I go, that's sad.

[Matty]

I tried not to sneeze, and that's what happens.

[Andrew]

Let's take a break. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Airbnb. B. Baby. I have had such fabulous experiences at Airb, you guys. There were drag queen tours that I was on where instead of using hotels on every stop, we used Airbnb. Like, sometimes it would be like. I remember it was like, me, Kennedy, like a bunch of the drag queens staying in people's houses, like sitting in their living rooms watching tv. Can you imagine? But it was so nice because it was like hanging out with bunch of your friends and like a. You know, when we tour and we have hotel rooms, we don't really see each other. It was a kind of a family environment. It was really fun and sweet. Airbnb has so many options. I like that. Like, it's kind of a grid map view where you can just click on it and look at the price. I like that all the check in information is really easy. I recently stayed in an Airbnb in Wisaukee, Wisconsin, and my stay person. What do you call it? My host. My host DM'd me. The check in the lockbox, made sure everything was taken care before I left. And the heat was nice and strong. It was perfect for visiting my small town that I grew up in. It was perfect. If you want a nice space, you want privacy, you want a nice location. I mean, beautiful, loved homes. Some of them are people's vacation homes. Some of them are people's apartments and houses while they're out of town. Check out Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app. That's Airbnb.com, you guys. I recommend you just get the app on your phone. It's perfect. Take it from the queen of relaxation, me. You owe yourself a trip. And the trips are always better with Airbnb.

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[Andrew]

How do we recover from that? How do we move forward in the show? How do we move forward in the show?

[Matty]

Okay.

[Andrew]

She said my friend's gonna die. That's tough. I'm sorry. She's gonna die.

[Matty]

Then you take out your your malt liquor and you pour one out for the.

[Andrew]

For the homies. F in the chat.

[Matty]

What does that mean? F in the chat?

[Andrew]

I think in video games if you like give your life for the team, for the win. It's like respect, like you know what? That person died f. In the chat for the shooter.

[Matty]

Mama, you know about that Italian shooter?

[Andrew]

I do, and I'm afraid to participate in that conversation.

[Matty]

I'm not going to. We're not. We're not praising him. The only thing I will say is that I don't know whether he committed that crime or not. What I do know is that he is hot and sexy, just like many other hot and sexy people. And I.

[Andrew]

That's.

[Matty]

That's all I'm going to say.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Matty]

Someone said, if the body is T, you must set him free.

[Andrew]

I saw one comment that was like, all night, all day on the floor, sugar walls blown out, mind bending, world ending. Like people describing the type of sex. Are people so horny?

[Matty]

No, no.

[Andrew]

That a distant photograph of a murderer. Potential murderer.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Is. Is what gets them going.

[Matty]

No, here's the thing. This is a very significant assassination, for sure. This is a very significant assassination in our age, in our. We are so fucked up as a country and so online that all we can do is say, ooh, I want to fuck that man. Are Italians white?

[Andrew]

Right? It's. You know what? I feel crazy, my participation. I fear our fans so much because I fear criticism. That level of criticism about every single thing we do at all times. And so I'm just observing what I see when I comment on news things. I'm like, Tokyo, Tony, where it's so in and out. I'm like, well, whatever it is and what it may be, I'd hate to be in her shoes right now. I just say, tony, you're trying to.

[Matty]

Sell your front lawn, right? Trying to rent your friend your front yard.

[Andrew]

Did you see that shit? No.

[Matty]

She's like, we have these stairs. It's just the front of her house. And you can have a function here or.

[Andrew]

Look at all this.

[Matty]

It's a yard. You can have a banquet.

[Andrew]

Oh, she's trying to do like, like.

[Matty]

Like Airbnb or something.

[Andrew]

Who's getting married on Tokyo? My wedding reception was on Tokyo.

[Matty]

Tony's so drab and humdrum and not spectacular. It's. It's amazing. I was like, what is it? What is going on here?

[Andrew]

That's. I mean, if you watch enough, like home and home design, home interior, tick tock. Eventually the people are like, welcome to my home. And you're like, baby, that's two pillow shams and a dead plant. Get off the Internet. Log off. Hoe. Log off. You know what I mean? Like, you're not making your brownies from a box and be like, See, you guys wanted my recipe.

[Matty]

Yeah, right.

[Andrew]

We don't have to jump to, but.

[Matty]

Oh, great segue. You know what I did today? I fucking made and hung some curtains.

[Andrew]

Wow.

[Matty]

Because huge if true.

[Andrew]

Huge if true. Where'd you hang them?

[Matty]

I don't know. No, over the window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I ordered some curtains. This is a riveting topic. People are going to love this. But, like, you know, I had all this fabric because if you think about curtains, very expensive.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Matty]

Think about fabric quite cheap.

[Andrew]

Curtains are the rub. Health care. And curtains are like a rub that.

[Matty]

The CEO of Curtain.com better watch out.

[Andrew]

I have health insurance and lately I've been like, should I just put away that money every month? Like, if something. If I really got sick, do I really believe a health insurance place is going to come through for me? I don't know. So should I just be saving the money?

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

So that someday if I am sick, I'm like, oh, good, I've been saving money for my illness.

[Matty]

You know, I think it's a scam. I know it's a scam. I know it's a crock of shit. And I know it's not great anywhere. You know what I mean? Like, socialized health care is not like, exactly the ticket either, but it's also better to not have it be a business model.

[Andrew]

Well, for profit, for sure. I mean, everything is a business. Everything's a business case whether or not it's for profit.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And like education in health care, when I was doing Queen of Universe and I had to go to the hospital, I didn't have to pay in. In the uk and that was nice.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

But when you go to the UK and you, like, do comedy as we do, and you joke about must be nice at the free health care, the girls will be like, let me tell you something.

[Matty]

Yeah. You wait three years for an appointment, Right? Yeah.

[Andrew]

So I do think in America, we're like, must be nice.

[Matty]

Well, you can buy your. You can buy a doctor. You can buy a doctor here. Yeah.

[Andrew]

Oh, if you're.

[Matty]

If you're a Vanderbilt, you have a doctor. You have an MD on call 24 hours a day.

[Andrew]

You know last week when I was really sick when I told you if. I'm not going to talk about. Because if you guys came to live pod. You heard about the illness. But I got so sick, I had a nurse come to the house to do the. The Zofran and the IV drip.

[Matty]

Did she analyze your diarrhea?

[Andrew]

Why do you think it was a woman? Because all nurses are women.

[Matty]

Because you said she.

[Andrew]

I did. No, I didn't.

[Matty]

Yes, you did.

[Andrew]

What was a gay guy? It was a gay guy, but. And she was cunty. But I felt that was very luxury because I felt like.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

No, I felt like I'm way too sick to even get in an Uber to go to a hospital.

[Matty]

Well, that's the thing. Also, you know what you're gonna do when you get to the hospital? Your leg isn't cut off because you weren't in a motorcycle accident. So you're gonna sit in the hallway for about eight hours.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah.

[Matty]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew]

Yeah. Hey, when I was in St. Louis, remember I told you about my appendix out there?

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

When that happened, I went to the hospital at maybe 1am and I sat there until 6am in the waiting room like this.

[Matty]

I believe it.

[Andrew]

And the commercial that was playing on a loop was for hair restoration clinics. And I sat there bald.

[Matty]

And you still haven't gone to Turkey. Damn.

[Andrew]

No one will take me. Nobody will take you I've been to, I've been to paradise But I've never, never been to Turkey. I can't believe they never done that as a lip sync on Drag Race.

[Matty]

The Carpenters. No. Who is that?

[Andrew]

Charlene.

[Matty]

Charlene.

[Andrew]

There's no doubt you dream about the things that could, you know.

[Matty]

You know what I noticed in Madison? They paved a parking lot and put up a paradise.

[Andrew]

What does that mean?

[Matty]

You know, paved paradise and put up a parking lot. They did the opposite.

[Andrew]

You can't pave a parking lot and.

[Matty]

Put up a paradise. Yeah, like a gorgeous hotel.

[Andrew]

But how do you pave a parking lot? It's already. It's already a parking lot. It is paved.

[Matty]

Oh.

[Andrew]

I need you to think before you talk to me because this shit don't make sense. Make it make sense, Ho. All right. Make it make sense, bitch.

[Matty]

Wait, my curtains. Okay, so.

[Andrew]

So these.

[Matty]

I. It was a green stretch velvet. The stretch is not important. We don't want. We don't want stretching curtains. But it was a green Velvet. It was $3 a yard. Okay. That's very cheap. Very cheap.

[Andrew]

$3. Isn't that four way stretch velvet like the drag queen gown fabric?

[Matty]

Could be. It couldn't be. I don't know. You haven't seen it.

[Andrew]

Don't you think stretch velvet, for something that hangs, it's gonna stretch over time, isn't it?

[Matty]

Oh, no, no. I'm not saying it's ideal. I'm saying it's insane in the moment. She's she's cute.

[Andrew]

Did you weight the bottom?

[Matty]

Did I weight the bottom?

[Andrew]

So, like, the curtains won't. So the curtains will hang straight.

[Matty]

Like, oh, mama. She's hanging straight. She's. She's bunching quite nicely.

[Andrew]

Oh, nice.

[Matty]

Yeah. So that was like 40 bucks, if that.

[Andrew]

Are you. Are you open to doing some freelance work?

[Matty]

No.

[Andrew]

$40 curtains by you?

[Matty]

No, not a chance in hell.

[Andrew]

But it's by Caitlin.

[Matty]

But like, I ordered some from CB2 and they were like 120 a panel. 48 by 80. $420. 120.

[Andrew]

Everything is wild. Everything is so much. I. Everything's so expensive. Can I just. I don't. I just. This. This really gets me crazy. I understand that the gap in, like, how we make money is greater and greater and greater. I feel. I feel that. I think, like, 25 year olds are poorer now than when I was 25. It's harder to have an apartment. It's harder to make money. Job more scarce.

[Matty]

Inflation is good enough.

[Andrew]

Inflation. Everybody under the age of 24 has those $600 Apple headphones.

[Matty]

What?

[Andrew]

I mean, I see so many of those giant, expensive headphones and I said, where do these kids get that kind of money? Maybe when I was 24, I didn't have that money.

[Matty]

That's a really good point. I mean, those also. They all have iPhones. Mary. IPhones are like 7, $800.

[Andrew]

Honey, sweetie, honey, Tootsie. So I don't know. Those big headphones, I mean, I think headphones are too expensive in general also. They handle it for free on airplanes.

[Matty]

Mama. Those AirPods, Mac AirPod Maxes, whatever the fuck they're called, they never turn off.

[Andrew]

Are you talking about the big ones? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Matty]

They don't turn off. There is no off sweat off switch. They're always on. They have. The only way they can turn off is they run out of battery, so they automatically connect to anything. Hate it.

[Andrew]

Do you have those?

[Matty]

Yes.

[Andrew]

They're expensive.

[Matty]

Hate their guts.

[Andrew]

They're very expensive.

[Matty]

Yeah, I mean, they're nice, but, like, they're not that nice. I mean, the noise cancel on a plane is Conti.

[Andrew]

But the bows do that.

[Matty]

Yeah, they do. So did the. The Beats by Dre, The Raycon or whatever. Raycon. Those are fine too.

[Andrew]

Like, the Raycons are nice. I have those little Apple AirPod Pro things.

[Matty]

Yeah, me too.

[Andrew]

Those, like, are fine.

[Matty]

The noise cancel is not near the. It's not like the cans.

[Andrew]

But no, you know, it's not like, I mean, and those you can't even hear your own voice.

[Matty]

I love it on the airplane. I don't want to hear about her legs. I don't want to know about his life.

[Andrew]

Right, Right.

[Matty]

It's just like, cancel it up. It's crazy.

[Andrew]

It's too much.

[Matty]

Where my packages are getting delivered right now.

[Andrew]

I think we should leave. We should have done this live from your house waiting for a package. And then maybe the guy shows up and maybe they. We pull out his big cock and zip the brown khaki pants and suck.

[Matty]

On his balls and his front.

[Andrew]

She certainly is packing. She's packing the package for the delivery that she's delivering.

[Matty]

She's packing peanuts.

[Andrew]

She's packing peanuts. I. I don't have a fantasy about. Because in my experience, in my experience, delivery people can't wait to either get away from you. As soon as they see you pick up the package, they're gone. Also, nothing is worse than them. You stay home all day, they don't knock, they don't call, and you walk outside and there's a nerve them to leave a post note that said, baby, we were here and where were you? That pisses me off so much.

[Matty]

We were here and where were you?

[Andrew]

I swear to God, if I have a ring camera footage of you doing that and not ringing the bell, I'm exposing you. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now.

[Matty]

Tokyo Tony.

[Andrew]

Tokyo Tony.

[Matty]

I just, I love. I mean the yummy dot com guy, wherever you are. I would, I would him. It's a six year long fantasy at this point.

[Andrew]

It's the same person all the time.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Wow.

[Matty]

For most part he's like not really my type. But for some reason there's a st. There's an energy there. I don't think he feels it. In fact, I know he doesn't.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Matty]

But I definitely. There's in the soap opera of sexual fantasies. He's had many episodes with you. Yeah. One is he gets. Listen to this. So he's coming with the groceries and a car like, like speeds through a puddle, drenches him wet. He's only wearing gray sweatpants and a great T shirt. Totally soaked, huge dick, totally visible. He comes in, he's like, I'm so wet. And I'm like, I can see that. We got to get you some new clothes. Why don't you take those off and you can dry off and use my.

[Andrew]

Body as a towel. Right. It sounds woke. The whole thing just sounds really woke. And I just like can't get into that, and also now that the super conservatives are coming to power, I'm gonna have to wipe my entire Internet presence and start off as sounds woke. Sounds woke. If anybody asks, I've been super conservative the whole time, and please don't kill me.

[Matty]

True or false? Lana Del Rey is singing at the inauguration. True or false?

[Andrew]

I don't know.

[Matty]

Huge if true.

[Andrew]

If I know her, she likes to be swinging in the old bars, singing with the. I don't. I don't know.

[Matty]

Yeah, Swinging in the old bars. Hanging out with Jude Law. Wiggling my name.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Kissing in the.

[Matty]

Kissing in the rain.

[Andrew]

Kissing in the blue dark. She really is a great lyricist.

[Matty]

She's not. That was the Onion.

[Andrew]

Who's giving. Who's giving it? The inauguration. Can we guess? Let's cast it now.

[Matty]

Oh, the girl from Candace Cameron or Kirk Cameron?

[Andrew]

Candace Cameron. Is that the girl from Full House? Yeah.

[Matty]

No, I'm thinking of Kirk Cameron.

[Andrew]

He's got Candace Cameron. We got Candace Owens.

[Matty]

Oh, yes.

[Andrew]

Any Candace.

[Matty]

James Cameron is going to direct it.

[Andrew]

Definitely. Definitely.

[Matty]

Oh, man. Do you know his movies have made billions of dollars? Titanic, Avatar.

[Andrew]

Well, who's the confirmed? Like, when the conservatives have, like a rally, like, we have Beyonce and shit, who do they have?

[Matty]

Nobody.

[Andrew]

Who shows up.

[Matty]

The equivalent.

[Andrew]

Tim the Tool Man Taylor.

[Matty]

Isn't it the equivalent of like James Woods? Oh, they. Maybe they. Maybe they'll do like a meme like Peppa the Pig or like a. You know what I mean, some. Like, we've got. What is it?

[Andrew]

Mang dung. I don't think it's.

[Matty]

We got Mudang on lock.

[Andrew]

Mudang is mudang.

[Matty]

And they got that twerking. The twerking panda in the Chinese zoo.

[Andrew]

But the liberals would have the spirit of Peanut, pour one out for Peanut.

[Matty]

Pink would pour one out for Peanut in the library.

[Andrew]

I thought of you because that's something crazy on the Internet. Did you see the woman that stowed away on a flight to France from New York? I thought of you. I know.

[Matty]

And I thought, she's gonna get prosecuted. How dare they? How dare they? She was trying to live. Le'Veon Rose. I know. I know. And they just let her. It's their fault.

[Andrew]

They should go to. I have a lot of questions. How did she get on the plane if she didn't have a ticket?

[Matty]

Thank you. That person who should go to jail. Not her. She was.

[Andrew]

They said she stowed away in the upper.

[Matty]

The upper wood.

[Andrew]

Didn't she. Didn't she go up in the top? She was flying in the overhead bin.

[Matty]

In the attic. No, she was not.

[Andrew]

And they only caught her because she kept going pee. She kept going getting out to go pee. If you're flying on the plane and you're watching, you know, sing two or whatever the you're doing, and you look up and you see an old aspiring to be French woman crawl out of a hole like the Grudge, you hit that light, ding. I know I don't need to do club soda. A woman just came out of the fucking overhead and she don't look French.

[Matty]

It's like deep red sky or whatever that, that vampire airplane movie.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Matty]

Crazy.

[Andrew]

I would try to be debilitatingly French. I'll be like, I don't know, you.

[Matty]

Know, you just hold tight and you cast it up before you try to sneak in there, sweetie. Hour.

[Andrew]

If you're good at getting on the legal. The thing is, I think it's illegal to do in the States. It's a certainly illegal to do to other countries.

[Matty]

Peeing on planes without a ticket.

[Andrew]

No, like she. Obviously there's some due processes to fly to another country. You and I know what happens if you don't have the right paperwork. Going to another country.

[Matty]

Yes, I do.

[Andrew]

And I don't know what she thought would happen.

[Matty]

Well, I'm curious. What is, what is a. What is at stake other than she stole a plane ticket, Right? Like, is that like what's happening there? What's the crime? Fraud.

[Andrew]

Well, then there's people in your country, I guess that, I guess internationally speaking, somebody could be in your country. You don't know if they're there doing crimes, etc, doing smuggling, et cetera.

[Matty]

They're not going through passport control, but she must have like intended to.

[Andrew]

I don't know.

[Matty]

We got to get her on the pod.

[Andrew]

We got to get her, get her on the pod.

[Matty]

Patricia. Well, I think of her as tanning mom because that's what I think she looks like.

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For [e-mail] learnmore did you see that.

[Andrew]

The alleged CEO shooter had a letterboxd and people are going through the movies he liked and he saw Wicked Mary he liked. He also liked the Lorax.

[Matty]

Yeah, and he is. He's like an Ivy League grad. There's a lot about this alleged shooter that is very interesting.

[Andrew]

Unlike he gets off, he'll be on Dancing with the Stars in two years.

[Matty]

I Was gonna say because there's a lot of people really going hard and out for supporting him. If the body is T, you must say I'm free.

[Andrew]

T. He'll be on House of Villains. Like Candy, Candy Muse.

[Matty]

Oh, I wish.

[Andrew]

Kid Candy Ho. I don't think is quite cutthroat enough.

[Matty]

They should have the Candylands version of House of Villains. Candy ho. Brook Candy.

[Andrew]

Candy Muse. Candy music.

[Matty]

Candy Ken.

[Andrew]

Candy Ken. Everyone saw him at a farmer's market, get. Had the mega hat on. Had the mega head on.

[Matty]

You're joking.

[Andrew]

I don't feel like I'm outing him because I think he puts that on the Internet.

[Matty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

And I. I kidding. I almost was like, oh, I reckon. And he had his baby or whatever. And I was about to be like, I hadn't seen him since pre covered. I was like. And then I saw the red hat, and I went like.

[Matty]

Oh, wow. What do you think about gay baiting? Do you care? Queer baiting? Do you care?

[Andrew]

I don't care. I mean, this is the thing. Sex sells and gay people, I think, are hyper. What's the word?

[Unknown Advertiser]

Men.

[Matty]

Let's just say men, probably.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Like, sex sells. And gay men are super susceptible to that type of salesmanship.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

So.

[Matty]

And also the. The.

[Andrew]

Is it gay baiting or do gay people just tune in?

[Matty]

Well, gay people notoriously love straight, not baggy, gay content.

[Andrew]

Yeah. I mean, he has the mega stuff on his Instagram, so I don't feel like I'm outing anybody.

[Matty]

You know, it's so funny, though, because it's funny how, like, a certain look can really change the whole perception. That picture. It's like, okay, you go live your life. But when he's like, where the pink and all the. The crap? And he's, like, half naked with the big butt, I'm like, yeah, I don't know.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

I always thought that you would do a collab with him. That's not happening.

[Andrew]

He came to one of my shows once back in the day, and I was very grateful because obviously his online presence was so funky.

[Matty]

It's funky and weird, but I didn't.

[Andrew]

Know his political affiliation.

[Matty]

Also, he's German, right?

[Andrew]

Austrian.

[Matty]

Austrian. Oh, okay. So, yeah, kid.

[Andrew]

Kid Rock is gonna pull out her weave.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And she's gonna strut out there in her.

[Matty]

James woods is gonna do a. A tight five. And then.

[Andrew]

And then.

[Matty]

Who's that?

[Andrew]

Tim Allen. Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Tim the Two Man Tailor's gonna come do a play.

[Matty]

No, Mel Gibson is not maga.

[Andrew]

He's Not. Oh, I thought he was super.

[Matty]

He's just anti Chew. Oh, he's just.

[Andrew]

He's just had Gary Busey. It'll be.

[Matty]

Is it. Who's the girl from. Oh, not Scott Baio. Who's the guy? Oh, not Mario Lopez.

[Andrew]

Who?

[Matty]

Oh, it's so disappointing when these, like, C list actors from the early 90s.

[Andrew]

I was rooting for you, you know.

[Matty]

Yeah. Who's the girl?

[Andrew]

That is Quaid.

[Matty]

Dennis Quaid.

[Andrew]

Dennis Quaid's gonna come through.

[Matty]

You're choking, Brett.

[Andrew]

Well, that hurts.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

I was a kid who used to lust after bricks, you know, Green Bay Packers.

[Matty]

He was.

[Andrew]

He was huge. And I thought he was so hot. And then.

[Matty]

How do you pronounce that last name?

[Andrew]

Favre.

[Matty]

Favre.

[Andrew]

I'm assuming it's French. Sounds like chevre, right?

[Matty]

Favre. Brett Favre.

[Andrew]

I guess. Scott Baio.

[Matty]

That's tough. That's the guy.

[Andrew]

That's the boss.

[Matty]

That's the guy.

[Andrew]

Damn.

[Matty]

Also, he was.

[Andrew]

Who was the boss?

[Matty]

He had a shag like Dorothy Hamill, kind of.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah.

[Matty]

Yeah. Huge if true.

[Andrew]

Huge if true.

[Matty]

Okay. My drapes, my curtains. Ooh. Dune prophecy. I know you don't. You haven't watched it. You're not gonna watch it. You just gotta.

[Andrew]

No, I could. I could and I will. Because I love sweet substance when you made me watch it.

[Matty]

Oh, yeah. So if you have. Did you see Dune at all? Okay.

[Andrew]

I've never seen one.

[Matty]

You don't really. It would help. It would very. Yeah. Actually, I think you do need to see Dune 1 and 2 to really get the. The world because they kind of. They kind of cleave to the imagery and the. The lore of the. These recent films. It is so good. It is so good. But here's the only problem. Six fucking episodes and that's it. Mary Friends had 38 episodes in a season.

[Andrew]

Well, TV shows used to have. I used to. I mean, I love Buffy. I know we're maybe not supposed to, like, address. We didn't program anymore. But me, as. Me, as a kid, I watched Buffy. And I'm sorry. Okay.

[Matty]

You don't have to apologize for watching a show that had many episodes.

[Andrew]

Right. And it had 22 episodes a season, and they were hour long. Thank you, baby. Those people were basically making a movie full time for a living. Yeah. One long movie.

[Matty]

This is two Lord of the Rings. This is two Lord of the Rings. And they call it. I mean, it's on Sunday night. It's on hbo, Max. It's Prestige Television. And I'm you know, I'm gooning and baiting for that.

[Andrew]

What about the drag name? Lorna De Rings. Lorna Derrings.

[Matty]

Lourdes De Rings. Lorna Lourdes.

[Andrew]

Lourdes De Rings. It could just be Lorda.

[Matty]

Lorda. Lorna Derings, I think is better.

[Andrew]

Lorna Derings. Yeah, that's fun. It's like, Lauren, order.

[Matty]

Lauren, order.

[Andrew]

Lauren, order. I like that too. I. You know what? I'm gonna give. I'm.

[Matty]

Wait, I'm not done. I'm not done. I'm done. Hbo. I'm looking at you or Max, whatever you're doing now to avoid paying taxes or paying your actors. You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers gotta release more episodes. You know why they're doing that?

[Andrew]

Well, I'm. I'm. I'm talent on Max, so I won't be commenting on this.

[Matty]

I will. I know you switched to an app to avoid pain. Some people.

[Andrew]

But now that you have the Max app, did you know that you can switch me to your avatar?

[Matty]

That makes it all worth it.

[Andrew]

Isn't it great? Do you know what else I think I've been watching this show. Well, I can sit. I've been watching this. We've been doing the live shows. And when I get real impassioned, I have to stand over you and yell at you.

[Matty]

Yes. I love it.

[Andrew]

I've been watching this show called Later Daters, which is the oldies dating.

[Matty]

Is this like the Golden Bachelor?

[Andrew]

Yes, but it's more like wholesome. It's not competition.

[Matty]

This is like those STD ads on la brea. Like STDs at any age? Yes, in their old age. What?

[Andrew]

Ocular syphilis.

[Matty]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew]

You dated in any age? It's called Later Daters, and it's kind of a fun show. And everybody has their own story. And some of the people are dating because their husband or wife of however long passed away. And it's.

[Matty]

You love it.

[Andrew]

I just. I'm so into. I love dating shows. I don't like, like, the natur, but I love, like, Love is blind love on the spectrum. The ultimatum. I love anything like that. And Netflix has a lot of those dating programs.

[Matty]

They surely do.

[Andrew]

And I like those dating programs.

[Matty]

And why do you think that is? You like watching human behavior.

[Andrew]

Yeah, And I like love, and I like. I like, think they love people. Those shows make me sob when they.

[Matty]

No way.

[Andrew]

Oh, all the time.

[Matty]

I can't imagine it actually happening.

[Andrew]

Did I tell you about Patrice? No, baby, I know we're probably running out of time. I Watched this documentary, but it feels long. Yeah.

[Matty]

We're not even close. That's like when I try to end the interview with T.S. madison at 25 minutes.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

Because I was looking at the second hand that said 52.

[Andrew]

You're like, we gotta get out of here.

[Matty]

Yes.

[Andrew]

This documentary called Patrice, okay, that is about a woman. And is her name Patrice? Yes.

[Matty]

Okay.

[Andrew]

And it's about her and her husband. I forget what form of disability she has, but her betrothed has cerebral palsy, okay. And they want to get married. But I guess, legally, what the documentary talks about is if two people who are living, like, harshly and with benefits of disability or, like, access to medicine, help stuff, et cetera. If they got married, the government can revoke those things. So if they got legally.

[Matty]

What?

[Andrew]

If they got legally married, the government would be like, oh, well, we're going to take away your access to medicine or treatment or whatever, because it counts as, like, two incomes or whatever.

[Matty]

Oh, because you can't double dip, you cripples.

[Andrew]

I guess.

[Matty]

That's crazy.

[Andrew]

The documentary really tried to explain it clearly. They had her talking about it and they had experts, okay. And I got the gist of it, but I'd hate to say it wrong.

[Matty]

So that's insane.

[Andrew]

But there's. Can I ruin it for you?

[Matty]

Absolutely. I'm never gonna watch it.

[Andrew]

It was so moving. It was so fucking moving. Because this woman, okay, she's telling her life story, right? And every time she tells her life story, there's a stage where they had kids playing all the people in her life. Her mom, her friends, whatever. And she played herself at every age.

[Matty]

Whoa.

[Andrew]

And so when it would cut to her telling a story about her life, it would cut to a stage, like an elementary school play of, like, her reenacting. Almost like, welcome to Me.

[Matty]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

She's playing herself. And, you know, she had a really hard time with her mom. Really hard time. So she became friends with a lot of younger kids because, you know, like, I think intellectually she was kind of developing with kids who were a couple years younger than her. And then as an adult, she's a crossing guard, and she's like, my passion is taking care of kids. I love looking out for little kids. I love children. I love protecting children.

[Matty]

That would make me cry.

[Andrew]

So I'm already, like. I'm already like. Like. Like, there's dew on the lily. Yeah, yeah, I'm about to cry. I'm. I'm the pre come. Like, my eyes are pre coming.

[Matty]

Yeah. The drip the drip. The drip.

[Andrew]

I got the drip. So her van breaks down and her boyfriend uses a wheelchair. So her van, that's Ada, is one of the only ways she can really, like, go out with him, see him, whatever. Her van's broken down the access to a vehicle for somebody with a disability. They're as expensive as a vehicle and more. The van she needs is $55,000 just to get her to work to do crossing guard work. And it's her on the phone being like, can you move me to a corner closer to my house? Like, I can't get to work.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And so it's all the trials and tribulations. These people just base level, trying to, like, get married and have a job. And every part of the way, it's like this system that's meant to help you. Oh, you got married. Sorry. Like crazy. So she's trying to raise money and she does a GoFundMe. And for months she's collecting cans, trying to save up $55,000. And then she starts to GoFundMe this scene. I cried. Like I knew everyone in the movie and also everyone I knew had just died. There's a part where she. She has a GoFundMe and she wakes up and somebody donates the rest of it. It says $55,000. And she's like, wait a minute. She calls the GoFundMe line and she's like, I need to confirm that this is, like, real. And they're like, yeah, somebody just donated. You're going to be able to get your van. She's sobbing because she can't believe she's gonna be able to go to work and see her boyfriend. I was. It was such a good movie. And I sobbed like a baby.

[Matty]

It was a movie.

[Andrew]

Yeah. It was a documentary film.

[Matty]

I won't watch a movie.

[Andrew]

It was a documentary film. And then she gets her van and she gets to work, and then she ends up having a commitment ceremony that she organizes with a bunch of other people who are afraid to get married. Cause they'll lose their benefits. I just think people should be allowed to get married and not lose access to things like, you know.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Health. Yeah.

[Matty]

Or like going in and out of buildings.

[Andrew]

Yeah. And it was a really moving documentary.

[Matty]

Damn. Watch it.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Oh, God. That and the one. The one about. The one about the families of Sandy Hook.

[Matty]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Andrew]

Prosecuting Alex Jones.

[Matty]

I can't watch that. I can't watch that.

[Andrew]

It was so devastating. So devastating. These people being like, well, this man on the Internet started Saying that our kids didn't die and that we're. Oh, right.

[Matty]

Oh, oh my God.

[Andrew]

And so the trauma that. The trauma of these people already losing a child and then years later, the Internet saying that they made it up. Like, people aren't girl.

[Matty]

My hobbies include knitting macrame and pretending my children died.

[Andrew]

No kidding.

[Matty]

Like what?

[Andrew]

No kidding. And it starts with the documentary starts with the parents describing the morning their kids left for school that day, what they ate. And like, I, I was, I was crying, but also fists gripped. Like this world is.

[Matty]

That's how I felt when I watched all those Larry Nasser documentaries. I felt that I had been abused by him in the or. Like my sister had.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Matty]

It felt like so visceral. And so I felt like if I feel this way, I can't imagine what the fathers of these daughters feel in the mothers of the daughters feel like, like, no wonder. Oh yeah, somebody tried to kill him in court.

[Andrew]

Well, then the infowars people on the stand being like, this is a witch hunt. I'm being treated unfair. It's so crazy.

[Matty]

That's. This is the kind of psycho environment, Internet environment that allows for this kind of treatment. Like, we have an assassination. He's a thirst trap. We have a school shooting. It's not real, you know, it's crazy.

[Andrew]

It's not good. I consider what you and I participate on the Internet. I consider what we produce to be fluff. I know that we're not the news. We don't have the responsibility of the news.

[Matty]

I do pee pee and poo poo.

[Andrew]

Right?

[Matty]

Online. I do pee pee and I do poo poo.

[Andrew]

I mean, we talk about like, you know, Tokyo Tony and yoga on the plane. Like, it's not literally do pee pee.

[Matty]

Or I do poo poo.

[Andrew]

Right?

[Matty]

Sort of the two things I contribute. I go hehe or haha or hoo hoo. There you go.

[Andrew]

Or hoo hoo. It's oh, if you had a kid, what would you say for Pete? For pee and poop?

[Matty]

Oh, that is a great question.

[Andrew]

Oh, you ready to go dumpy? What about she got a dumpy. He's got a dumpy. You got a dumpy.

[Matty]

No, listen, listen, I got a. I got a children's story. So I went to visit Avi. So Avi and Sasha came to the show Madison 20 Year College Reunion. 20 Year College Reunion, right. We went to college together 20 years ago. 20 years ago, right. We were in college together.

[Andrew]

Tell the people how you know Avi. They probably know Avi from.

[Matty]

Yes, so if you watched Regrets or Reflections or any other YouTube content that I produced back in the day, he edited all of it and did all the titles and everything in the music. And he was the, you know, the mastermind behind those are computer videos.

[Andrew]

He's.

[Matty]

He's of. He's a legend. So he had a daughter. She's three and a half. I. I hate kids. I hate kids. I'm just gonna say that.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Matty]

No interest in children other than my two nephews. And sometimes I forget that they're there, but you know, they're. They're cute. I love them. I give them stuff, but I don't think about kids. Graham, Graham and Owen.

[Andrew]

Owen, Graham and Owen.

[Matty]

But this little motherfucker. This little motherfucker Lucy, the cutest kid I have ever seen in my life.

[Andrew]

Wow.

[Matty]

It was cartoonishly cute. Like, she was so funny. Her timing was so on point. She was. It was like she was doing a bit, but she wasn't. She was just being three and a half hysterical cute. I wanted a kidnap her.

[Andrew]

I think it'd be funny if you were convinced that your three and a half daughter, three and a half year old friend's daughter, was doing a bit. That's just her age. That's not a bit.

[Matty]

But she's so.

[Andrew]

She's Benjamin Button.

[Matty]

She's pretending to be young, but she was like. She's obviously very smart because she was so articulate. And for three and a half, oh my gosh. Precoaches, Precoaches. And she was, oh, my God, I know this. Like, it doesn't. You can't get the sense because it didn't take any video or whatever, but she's just. Oh, they did. I'm so. I'm so happy when parents have children that aren't ugly.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Matty]

And who aren't mean.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew]

I had to get fierce with my little niece when she was visiting. I talked about most of this during the live pods, so I don't want to repeat it.

[Matty]

She sprayed shit all over the walls.

[Andrew]

She sprayed shit over the walls. But also, you know, I prepared myself that, you know, listen, I guess this is my house. And even though she's my guest, if she starts to act wild, I'm gonna have to let her know that, you know, the world has lots of different environments and we can't always act the way we act at home. And so I said, I said. There was one point where I said I felt like I was my grandma. I said, hey, listen, now we're all watching a movie now. And so we need to relax and sit down a little bit. And I was getting real fierce.

[Matty]

That's okay.

[Andrew]

But then my other version of it was, I was like, hey, listen, let me tell you something. This isn't your house, and I'm not your mom. I'm not like your mom and your little grandma over there. I'm not gonna let you do whatever. So guess what. You're gonna sit here, you're gonna eat these buttered noodles, and I'm gonna sit here with you. And afterward, we can get you a piece of candy. Okay?

[Matty]

Or you're going to hang from the porch with your mouth girl. With your mouth tape girl.

[Andrew]

And then I got her candy, and I was like, in my house, gummy. Like, no, bitch, we're getting the smart sweets. Low sugar, low calorie bitch.

[Matty]

Thank you.

[Andrew]

Let me. I have your genetics.

[Matty]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Andrew]

I don't want your teeth to be my teeth. So let me help. Me help you. So I give her the smart sweet, and she goes, this is nasty. And after she had diarrhea for two to two days, I gave her the Pedialyte Popsicle. And she goes, it's gross.

[Matty]

This food nasty, girl.

[Andrew]

This food nasty.

[Matty]

Kennedy Davenport.

[Andrew]

My approach was this. Because the Internet said when. Because the Internet said toddlers go through phases where they reject all food. They don't have said that. They go through a beige food phase where they want noodles, bananas, bread, plain. I mean, when she was hungry, she wanted, like, a plain piece of bread.

[Matty]

Okay. Really?

[Andrew]

She wanted, like.

[Matty]

She's like. She didn't say, I want, like, curry.

[Andrew]

Yeah. She said, I want, you know, long snout, trail bass, I don't know, whatever.

[Matty]

Marinated veal brains.

[Andrew]

Yes. So I gave her the option, okay? So I said, listen, we're gonna make noodles. I can give you red sauce. I can give you this, or I can give you buttered noodles. And so I let her pick it.

[Matty]

Okay.

[Andrew]

And then I let her help make it. So I'm like, put this butter in here. And then having her make it, then she wanted to eat it. She was like, I made this. I did this.

[Matty]

How old is she?

[Andrew]

Three.

[Matty]

Okay.

[Andrew]

But I shared the food with her because the Internet also said if the kid won't eat. If you. If you eat it off their plate, they'll be like, me, too. And that's how I got sick.

[Matty]

Oh, that's.

[Andrew]

Don't share food with the sick children.

[Matty]

Well, I've learned that children are nothing if not harbingers of illness.

[Andrew]

And. And that and that's okay. I guess that's part of the. The part of all you adults and parents out there. You must be fighting off illness at all times.

[Matty]

All times. And not very. Not sleeping during the first few years. How about this little sick child who won't sleep in their own bed?

[Andrew]

Oh, my God. I would. My baby would be that baby from doctor Sleep with the huge swollen diaper. Weeks old. Oh. Because I'd be sleeping in.

[Matty]

I'd be. I'd be the. My baby would be the one that got crushed by me rolling over it at night.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

Dead. I did, baby.

[Andrew]

I think I would be a hard dead baby. Would you co. Sleep.

[Matty]

I'm not sleeping with no baby.

[Andrew]

Right. That's how I feel. Once they're good, they're good.

[Matty]

Baby in the bed.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matty]

No, well, remember.

[Andrew]

Remember, I. I googled. I think. I don't know if I talked about this in this. I Googled that you breastfeed until it's natural to feed until seven years old.

[Matty]

That's interesting.

[Andrew]

And I asked Val. I said, how long did you make it? She said, three months.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Three minutes. Started giving you Diet Cokes and Capri sun and told you to get out of the house.

[Matty]

Go play outside.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I'm one. Get out, Hoe.

[Matty]

Get on the floor.

[Andrew]

Ho.

[Matty]

Breastfeeding.

[Andrew]

Breastfeeding.

[Matty]

Swollen boobs, tender nipples.

[Andrew]

Beautiful and natural.

[Matty]

Love it. I. Oh. So wait, I was telling Tracy at the airport, I noticed there was, like, all this. All these windows, Right. We were at Chicago in this. In the terminal, all these windows, and there was just, like, nothing out there. I was like, oh, they should make little vestibule balconies where you can go breastfeed, smoke, have a bit of fresh air.

[Andrew]

Why do you have to breastfeed outside? And why do you have to breastfeed next to smokers?

[Matty]

You don't. So there's this little smoking patio there, and these are little, like, enclosed breastfeeding room because people are, like, weirded out by it. I think you should be able to breastfeed on the escalator.

[Andrew]

A girl. Everybody should be able to just breastfeed in the aisle, take the whole shirt off.

[Matty]

Breastfeed like breastfeed totally nude in the aisle while you're doing yoga.

[Andrew]

Totally.

[Matty]

Yeah. Yeah. And then a little balcony for fresh air. Why can't you get some fresh air when you're in the airport? This has air.

[Andrew]

You're right. Palm Springs Airport has that. Because it's all outside.

[Matty]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And what's that other airport that has a Delta Sky Lounge. That's partial outside L A. L A.

[Matty]

Has a smoking little like but here in the sky. Very. No, no, no. It's very, very hidden. It's secret. When I learned about it after flying five years at lax, I was like, you motherfuckers. You betrayed me. You betrayed me.

[Andrew]

You should be like Gen Z and get the Zinn packets, shove them up the pussy Boof. The Zen packet.

[Matty]

Well, you're never going to believe this. I haven't smoked a cigarette today.

[Andrew]

What happened?

[Matty]

No, no, I just haven't.

[Andrew]

Are you gonna ask me for money? Oh, honey, I don't think I can give it to you.

[Matty]

Can I just one drag. No. I've been trying to smoke less and I. So I stopped for five days straight only because of depression and then too depressed to smoke.

[Andrew]

Damn.

[Matty]

Yeah, sleeping like 13 hours a day. And then I was like after Thanksgiving I was like, ah, just try to smoke less. And it has been working. I think I had like two or three yesterday day. It's fierce. Cuz you know what? I. It's embarrassing. But David lynch having emphysema, that's what that like really scared me.

[Andrew]

I think we're good to stop there. I think. Bye.

[Matty]

Wait, wait. Goodbye.

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