An Open Letter to the Emmys with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary: "An Open Letter to the Emmys with Trixie and Katya"

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya — April 7, 2026

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Overview

In this episode, Trixie and Katya serve up their usual blend of unruly storytelling, comedic shade, and opinionated pop-culture deep dives—this time focusing their glittering sights on awards culture, drag drama, and a zany exploration of everything from musical theater to personal vices. Although they're supposed to address award snubs and the Emmys, the conversation joyfully spirals through mountains of current events, TV, personal anecdotes, and classic drag banter.

The duo reflects on recent live shows, their ever-chaotic lives in entertainment, petty industry politics, and the relentless absurdity of show biz accolades. The episode is a goldmine for fans who savor their rapid-fire wit and unfiltered commentary.

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Key Topics and Discussion Points

1. Live Shows, Boston, and Statues in the Park

• The episode kicks off with talk of their recent Kansas City show and upcoming dates in Boston and Toronto.
• Katya (01:30): "Why don't they have, like, a statue of you in Boston Commons? ... Can they knock down some of the colonial racist statues and put up you?"
• Trixie jokes about wanting to "sell out both" Boston shows, or else face "ultimate humiliation."

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2. Award Season Banter and Drag Queen Drama

• The hosts joke about various drag queens' awards and onstage antics.
• Spirited discussion about Snatch Game impersonations and RuPaul-related characters.
• Notable shade thrown at drag artists for doing "the actress as the character" in Snatch Game:
  • Trixie (03:50): “I think it’s a little bit of a cheat to do a character as the actress... but if it's done well, who cares?”
• Bit about Lady Bunny being called “Bishop Lady Bunny,” and the running in-jokes about drag names.

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3. Queerty Awards, Kelly Mantle, and Behind-the-Scenes Awards Tea

• Roast of Kelly Mantle’s Queerty win and imagined award corruption:
  • Trixie (04:41): “Michelle Visage switched the check... she’s the fully haired and the beautif’.”
• Sarcastic speculation about how drag queens might win awards and how backstage politics skew results.

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4. Body Positivity, Candid Debates, and Personal Stories

• Extended riff on a Jubilee video featuring Julian Michaels and body positivity activists.
  • Trixie (06:21): "Even if I think they're cuckoo bananas, I'm like, well, they're going on the Internet speaking their truth, and I learn from that."
• Katya reveals how she feels "seen" by a woman with constantly growing breasts, matching her humorous struggles with changing costumes on tour.
• Trixie confesses to loving TikTok videos of teenage shoplifters and recounts being fired from MAC for a supposed "theft" of a Starbucks gift card.
  • Trixie (09:30): "I was the top salesperson at a million dollar makeup counter. I was fired for A$15 cents. I was devastated, but I still use Mac products to this day."
  • Katya is hilariously unforgiving: "No matter what the dollar amount you did, you did thieving, you were a thief." (09:49)

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5. Acting, Character Creation, and Musical Theater Reflections

• Free-associative talk about character backstories in acting, names, and how overthinking helps (or hurts) the creative process.
  • Katya (11:01): “If you ever took an acting class, that's the type of shit they tell you to do.”
• Cute segment about Katya’s failed dream of becoming a high school French teacher, derailed by her youthful inability to command authority over “rotted, gutted highschoolers.”
  • Katya (16:08): "I would not be able to summon or embody the authoritative armor necessary to fend off a bunch of youngsters."

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6. Pop Culture, Personalities, and Absurdist News

• Jokes about political figures Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem, mixing real headlines with pure drag camp.
• Katya relishes in the rumor mill of bachelorette parties and drag show antics.

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7. "Here Lies Love" and the Marcos Regime—Disco Musicals as Political Art

• The most substantial pop culture discussion is about the “Here Lies Love” musical covering Imelda Marcos and Filipino history:
  • Trixie (28:08): "I've never seen an EDM, dance music musical. The music is produced by Fatboy Slim... disco ball the size of this room while they're singing about the collapse of the Philippines."
  • Katya reflects on her experiences in Manila and the “glaring income inequality.”
  • Both note parallels between the populist Marcos regime and current global politics, including the dangers of propaganda in history textbooks.
  • Trixie (33:50): “The school systems haven’t even been able to update their textbooks. So young kids are reading history textbooks that say how great the Marcos regime is... sounds a little [familiar].”

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8. Teaching, Drag Kings, Russian Alphabets, and Everyday Vices

• Katya tries to rope Trixie into a "repeat after me" exercise with the Russian alphabet (45:10), proof she still fantasizes about being a (fabulous) teacher.
• Tangent about smoking in the car versus in the house, and the curious comfort certain vices provide.
• AirPod rants about losing and upgrading headphones (51:40).

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9. Celebrity Substitute Teacher and Unexpected Wig Stratagems

• musings on celebrity substitute teacher shows and which roles they'd prefer if moonlighting as subs
• Lighthearted riffing on always wanting the glamorous "blonde wig" in acting jobs rather than a dowdy brown one.

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10. Awards Justice: Emmys, Snubs, and Fantasy Accolades

• Anger and comedy about horror performances being overlooked—particularly Toni Collette for Hereditary and Neve Campbell—leading to Trixie’s invented “Vanguard Female Oscar”:
  • Trixie (42:52): “I have a lot of retroactive...Vanguard Female Oscars I need to give out, starting with Neve Campbell. Yeah, and then over to Toni Collette in Hereditary.”
• Anticipation for a cage match between Lisa Kudrow and Jean Smart at the next Emmys (55:44), with the hosts gleefully planning to be their “corner girls.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Drag Queen Backstage Politics:
  “Michelle Visage switched the check... she’s the fully haired and the beautif’.” — Trixie (04:41)

• On Acting & Overthinking:
  "If you ever took an acting class, that's the type of shit they tell you to do." — Katya (11:01)

• On Scandals, Awards & Justice:
  "Was it outside the realm of possibility for Toni Collette in Hereditary to receive a professional accolade?" — Trixie (42:45)

• On Musical Theater & Political Parallels:
  "Disco ball the size of this room while they're singing about, like, the collapse of the Philippines." — Trixie (28:34)
  "The school systems haven’t even been able to update their textbooks. So young kids are reading history textbooks that say how great the Marcos regime is... sounds a little [familiar]." — Trixie (33:50)

• On Daydreams of Teaching:
  "I would not be able to summon or embody the authoritative armor necessary to fend off a bunch of youngsters." — Katya (16:08)

• On Vice and Self-Acceptance:
  "I have been smoking a little bit, as you can attest to. Can you smell my shitty body? ...I went from 25–30 cigarettes a day down to, you know, sometimes zero, sometimes ten." — Katya (49:31)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Live Show Recap & Boston Plans: 01:05–02:00
• Snatch Game & Drag Queen Characters: 03:10–05:00
• Queerty Awards Satire: 04:18–05:00
• Body Positivity, Jubilee Video: 06:00–08:00
• Trixie’s MAC “Theft” Story: 08:30–10:00
• Acting and Character Names: 11:01–12:00
• French Teacher Aspirations: 15:24–16:08
• Political Satire – Pam Bondi & Kristi Noem: 17:10–18:00, 23:10–24:00
• Here Lies Love & Filipino History: 27:09–33:13
• Discussion of Traveling, Teaching, and Vices: 34:03–38:00
• Celebrity Subs & Acting Wigs: 43:54–44:44
• Retroactive Emmy Snubs & Oscars: 42:52–43:09
• Celebrity Cage Match at the Emmys: 55:44–56:14

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Tone & Style

True to form, the episode is both riotously funny and packed with sincere cultural takes. Trixie and Katya oscillate between quick-fire drag queen reads, self-deprecating confessions, couch philosopher rants, and flashes of real emotional insight. The tone is campy, unpredictable, and sometimes heartfelt, always keeping the listener on their toes.

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Conclusion

Whether they're “penning” their open letter to the Emmys or just riffing on drag, day jobs, politics, and pop culture, Trixie and Katya deliver another hour of sparkling chaos. Their blend of references, in-jokes, unapologetic opinions, and genuine affection for their subjects cements why their podcast is a must-listen—especially for anyone who wants both the tea and the therapy.

Transcript

[Mary]

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[Kathy]

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[Mary]

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[Mary]

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[Kathy]

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[Mary]

Together we've got this. Follow Plan B on insta at Plan B. One step to learn more. Use as directed.

[Kathy]

Watch the cliffhangers. They also call them cereals. I know that, Mr. Man.

[Mary]

We were.

[Kathy]

Oh, my God. We were at the ball. Are we rolling? We were at the ball in the Beautiful live. We were at the ball and the beautiful live in Kansas City this weekend. Which, by the way, we're coming to Boston. We're coming to Toronto next week. Please. We have a second show in Boston at Wang. I want to sell out both.

[Mary]

We want to sell out both. And we. If we don't sell out that second one, it's going to be the only ultimate humiliation.

[Kathy]

Also, why don't they have, like, a statue of you in Boston Commons? Like, I got, like, can they knock down some of the colonial racist statues?

[Mary]

Well.

[Kathy]

And can they put up you.

[Mary]

I am there. It's. It's very.

[Kathy]

I'm sick of the colonial racist. I want the normal kind. Paul Revere.

[Mary]

Give me. I mean, we want Revere.

[Kathy]

What? Thank RuPaul. Revere.

[Mary]

Oh, no. Oh, I brought two RuPaul shirts. And of course, I didn't put one of them.

[Kathy]

I brought one, too. Can I help you?

[Mary]

Do you have a question?

[Kathy]

Pan Pan Bondi again? Yeah. And that bitch. Just because she's not the hot button of the week. I've been seeing so many good tiktoks of people doing her. Be like, this is outrageous.

[Mary]

Y' all got Trump derangement syndrome. Yeah, Trump derangement syndrome. Tds.

[Kathy]

She's kind of. Yeah, she's kind of qua looted. She's not even. She's kind of on Google. She's kind of doing that housewife pill thing where it's like kind of slurring.

[Mary]

It's a goofball. It's the goofball machine. That whole White House situation.

[Kathy]

Every day she wakes up and RFK has a slingshot like Dennis the Menace and shoots a hydrochloroquoxin down her. Gonna help you.

[Mary]

There's this. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. My God, this woman.

[Kathy]

RFK is gonna start recommending that we all drink Pam Bondi's breast milk.

[Mary]

Yes. But she won't breast pump, so she has to outsource it to China.

[Kathy]

It's like a kissing booth. We all have to get in line and show up. Like, like the flu vaccines at cvs. Like, you go in there, you walk in, it's a walk in appointment.

[Mary]

But it's not actually Pam Bondi. It's anybody with the last name Bondi. They have to change their name to Pam. It's a whole group.

[Kathy]

Or anybody from Bondi Beach. Really? Anybody from Bondi Beach? Anybody? Oh, my God. Last week we cliff hunged.

[Mary]

We cliffhanged.

[Kathy]

We cliff hung.

[Mary]

We, we, we, we really, we edged and we teased.

[Kathy]

We teased. We had. We cliffhanged. And it made me think of when we were in Kansas City, somebody asked who would be on your Mount Rushmore? I immediately said, Kathy Bates and Misery. Cliff. They also call them cereals. I'm not stupid, you know. So good.

[Mary]

Mr. Man.

[Kathy]

Mr. Man. God, where's she?

[Mary]

Why is Annie Wilkes in the cabinet?

[Kathy]

Get her down here. Baga ass her down here. Bag of, bag of chips. Yeah. It's beneath you, Paul. When she's calling w. Paul. Paul. Over and over again.

[Mary]

Oh, she was good calling her Raymond. She was good.

[Kathy]

She's calling her Paul.

[Mary]

I call her Ruth.

[Kathy]

Yeah, Ruth, Paul.

[Mary]

No, the I. Because I in the Snatch Game. I don't. I, I think it's a little bit of a cheat to do a character as the actress. Say you're doing the actress, but you're

[Kathy]

just doing the character Amy Madigan, but you're doing Gladys.

[Mary]

Yeah. I think it's a cheat a little bit. But if it's done well, who cares? You know, like Bendelacreme as Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess. It's still great, right? But like, so anyways. But I, I give a pass to bag of shit for that because not back. Oh, my God. Bishop Lady Bunny called her that once on tour. And it, it was funny.

[Kathy]

Did you?

[Mary]

Because it's such a bad joke.

[Kathy]

Did you See, Kelly Mantle, the pod. By the way, Kelly Mantle won a fucking Queerty Award.

[Mary]

Payola. Oh. Oh, yeah, the Academy loves Kelly. How much did you pay for that award, Ms. Mantle?

[Kathy]

Well, they don't know this what I was hosting, and the lights went out and Ed McMahon switched the check. I made sure that Kelly wants. You saw the bald and the beautiful busy lifting drinks.

[Mary]

You saw bald and the beautiful on the check. But then the lights went out, lightning crashed, right? And then all of a sudden, Michelle Visage switched the check, right?

[Kathy]

She's the fully haired and the beautif. Her pod. But she won.

[Mary]

And the bob and the beautiful.

[Kathy]

The bob and the be. Oh, I love Kelly and a bob.

[Mary]

No, Michelle.

[Kathy]

Oh, can you believe that?

[Mary]

No, I can't.

[Kathy]

It's really fierce. It look, she looks like somebody's avatar from, like, we bowling. Do you know what it means for like a randomized sim? But Michelle, I mean, like, it's impossible to clown because that face can really do anything. Yeah.

[Mary]

She could rip Pam Bondi with one look.

[Kathy]

And you know what? I actually really. Do you remember a few years ago when Megan McCain was trying to do funky looks with her hair and makeup? Do you remember the funky looks, Mary?

[Mary]

Everybody's trying to clown my unstyle.

[Kathy]

But, like, look at me trying to

[Mary]

do these hair show styles with the racist woman on the View or whatever the fuck. Trying to do, like, Atlanta Hair Show.

[Kathy]

The helicopter that flies off the head. Yes. But I think it's funny that Air Force three, Team Michelle. Team Michelle's hair and glam can actually do versatility where it always looks good. Yeah, that was a tough time.

[Mary]

That was a reach. That was a cliffhanger from which she did not hang very much.

[Kathy]

Yeah. Oh, we did a cliffhanger about the jubilee video with Julian Michaels versus 20 body positive movement Activists.

[Mary]

Activists. When they weren't all activists, champions or whatever of the Body Positive Movement. And they were all different types of people, like therapists, dietitians, activists, whatever.

[Kathy]

And I'll tell you, I sat down because I like. I like rage baiting myself. I like to watch something. And I'll tell you this. I watch a lot of Jubilee content. And whether or not I agree with anybody. Yeah. I always applaud people being so candid. Even if I'm thinking and vulnerable, there's

[Mary]

a lot of vulnerability.

[Kathy]

Even if I think they're cuckoo bananas, I'm like, well, they're going on the Internet speaking their truth, and I learn from that. So thank you.

[Mary]

I didn't, so fuck you.

[Kathy]

But I went in there ready to sit down and be like, let's, yeah,

[Mary]

let's see this white bitch get steamrolled.

[Kathy]

I just want everybody to take a lovely keynote crash course in debating as it pertains to claims, listening to claims.

[Mary]

Hi, claim. Hello, claim.

[Kathy]

And then responding to claims rebuttal. I have a hard time when it just gets circular point, counterpoint or when

[Mary]

it becomes, when it becomes scientific evidence versus my feelings. Right? Because feelings aren't facts and they can't necessarily like, you know, they're, they're your feelings, they're. They impact you. They're, you know, they're important, but they can't really be. They can't really. They're not artillery as against scientific evidence or evidence based studies. You know what I mean? It's like it doesn't really work like that in a.

[Kathy]

But I do appreciate something I like about that channel is a lot of times people's personal stories give so much context that like we can't just talk about studies we remember either. So I do like both well and yes.

[Mary]

And I appreciate what I really took away from that video which was so impactful and really, really. I mean, I can't overstate full body. Well, literally, because that. The girl whose breast kept growing. I've never felt more seen in my life because I didn't know that there was somebody else there like me.

[Kathy]

Right?

[Mary]

I didn't know that because I go on tour with you and you know that I, on, you know, Friday, I'm wearing a 38 double D and I just have those little. I have, I have a double G, right? Because they keep growing. There's nothing I can do about it.

[Kathy]

Well, you're shoplifting.

[Mary]

If I diet, my waist grows tiny and my breasts grow bigger. So I like, I have, I struggle and I, I felt so seen by her.

[Kathy]

I just saw this video, you know, one of my other weird, like, I don't know what's wrong with the Internet. The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you. What's wrong?

[Mary]

There's a phone call.

[Kathy]

I hate that.

[Mary]

I hate it. I hate it too.

[Kathy]

The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you is because I'm watching like trash teenagers get apprehended at Macy's on Tik Tok for stealing. Like, I love that. Recently I just saw this woman and the cops are, the cops have body cams. They're following her and they do this thing where they kind of flank you on an escalator where like the cops are at the bottom the cop follows you on, and they're like, follow us.

[Mary]

Entrapment.

[Kathy]

And this, you guys, I swear to God. And you know, I got fired from a job for stealing. I wasn't stealing, but I have a lot of sensitivity to that moment. Excuse you What?

[Mary]

Excuse you what?

[Kathy]

The Mac counter.

[Mary]

I have to know that about you.

[Kathy]

Are you really pretending you've never heard this audience at home?

[Mary]

Tell me.

[Kathy]

I have not told this story.

[Mary]

It must have been at least 14 times. It must have been at least 15 times because why haven't we bonded so severely over that?

[Kathy]

We have cracked a gut.

[Mary]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Kathy]

Jesus.

[Mary]

Greg and Coco, feel free to make a super cut of that.

[Kathy]

Greg and Coco, our intern.

[Mary]

Greg and Coco, please.

[Kathy]

So basically, long story short, my guest in the makeup chair said, you know, my gift card for Macy's probably has 15 cents off on it. She said something jokingly like, go get yourself a coffee. I said, okay, I will. I. So I went to get my Starbucks and I said, my lady in the makeup chair gave me this. It's the Starbucks. The Starbucks Macy's.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Kathy]

I was like, it probably has 10 cents on it, but she told me to put it toward my coffee. It was like a $10. I was like, oh, thanks, lady whose makeup I did fired. They said, it's in the handbook of if you work at the makeup counter, you can't use a gift card. I was the top salesperson at a million dollar makeup counter. I was fired for A$15 cents. I was devastated, but I still use Mac products to this day. They got me.

[Mary]

They got you. And also, I'm sorry, boo, but that no matter what the dollar amount you did, you did thieving, you were a thief.

[Kathy]

Maybe I'm like, maybe I need to heal myself by accepting that that did count as thieving.

[Mary]

You do. No matter. It's because when it comes down to it's not semantics, it's. It's dollars and cents. There's really, at the end of the day, no difference between $1 and a $25.

[Kathy]

You know what it is? It's like in Ghost, when that program is stealing, like, fractions of a penny from all those people.

[Mary]

What program?

[Kathy]

That's how they get the Sam Wheat money.

[Mary]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Kathy]

It's like fractions of a cent, Carl. Yes. It's like fractions of a cent over time. Isn't that how they get all that money?

[Mary]

No. Oh, okay.

[Kathy]

Love it. Well, that's how I decided.

[Mary]

But. Oh, but Mary.

[Kathy]

Oh, my God. What about. And she's like, I'm here for my day player. I'm Lana. She goes, lana. I only have fitness instructors. Like, that's the name I gave her that when they're.

[Mary]

When she's leaving in the ambulances behind her. And they're just like, there's so many things about that show. And it's. I know we talked.

[Kathy]

Giving your character a name and then telling the person when you check in that character's name, they don't know. Sorry. That's acting. That is how people are.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

She's.

[Mary]

I don't.

[Kathy]

If you ever took an acting class, that's the type of shit they tell you to do.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

It's like you come into class and like, they stop the monologue. Like, hold on for a second.

[Mary]

What happened to her on February 20th birthday?

[Kathy]

You haven't thought about that?

[Mary]

What actually transpired on February 27, 1993?

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Between her and Barbara. You don't know who Barbara is? Get out of here.

[Kathy]

But it's a good callback to season one, because when she's doing room and board, she's like, so Aunt Sassy. Am I her dad's sister? Her mom's sister? And they're like, who cares? It doesn't matter.

[Mary]

Yeah, but it does matter.

[Kathy]

She's like, it does matter. How about it's the brother, and that way we have a better guest star later. Sorry. She is thinking about it.

[Mary]

She is. She's thinking. She's thinking. Jane.

[Kathy]

Peppa. Pigs.

[Mary]

What are these?

[Kathy]

Percy? Pigs.

[Mary]

Peppa the pigs.

[Kathy]

These are delicious. They're vegan. I don't know where they came from.

[Mary]

Vegan.

[Kathy]

They make them in the uk. They're vegan.

[Mary]

What are they made out of? Horseradish?

[Kathy]

They're delicious. Oh. Almost too sweet. Not bad, right? Yeah. I should stop. Such a pig.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. It's almost.

[Kathy]

Yeah, I've been having a lot of food problems.

[Mary]

It's almost a little too sweet.

[Kathy]

It's almost a little too rich. They got me a bunch of new arthritis medicine, and it's. My appetite's out the window. It's been hair, the roof are out the window. Gone.

[Mary]

Oh, so gone.

[Kathy]

Okay. I wake up, choke down a smoothie with a nauseous feeling. My arthritis has gotten so much better, but I'm nauseous all the time.

[Mary]

You know, God giveth and God taketh away.

[Kathy]

Yep. Up last night, puking, middle of the night. Love it. Oh, I forgot to talk about Kelly. Kelly Mantle's pod where she shoots in this room. She had lady bunny on and she goes, I'm gonna read some names and I want you to do word association.

[Mary]

Can you play it?

[Kathy]

Yeah, can you play it?

[Mary]

Because it's really funny. It's really funny. Control room. We don't have one. Yeah. Oh, my God. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I had this fake nail on Kelly's

[Kathy]

pot and actually laugh. You know what I mean?

[Mary]

Paola. Paola Jackson.

[Kathy]

Oh, my God. They had her come out at the Queerties. She came on stage and who she? Kelly. She was scripted to come out, but she's so believable that the audience was like, oh, Kelly, like, wandered out from the corner of the stage. The audience is like. It was like a Courtney Love, like. Like in the moment, like. And I just turned her and I go haunting. Okay.

[Mary]

Respect to me. Dina Martina Suicide. Tammy brown. 911.

[Kathy]

She's so sick.

[Mary]

She would take that as a compliment.

[Kathy]

Sure.

[Mary]

Bianca Del Rio exist. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. I love her.

[Kathy]

I don't. I don't. Her and her look has never inspired me at any stage of my life.

[Mary]

Oh, gosh, no. In anything. It's propelled you further and further away.

[Kathy]

I've been trying to find this DVD of hers because I'm like, an old school ladybuddy fan.

[Mary]

Oh, the. I know which one you're talking about.

[Kathy]

For extra something.

[Mary]

You know what? Rated R for. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kathy]

And I don't have a DVD player, so I really have no plan.

[Mary]

Mary, you had. I got. I got a whole bunch of DVDs at home. All I'm missing is the Blu Ray player. All that's standing in the way of me enjoying these DVDs. No, they're Blu Rays.

[Kathy]

Okay, so you don't have any DVDs at home.

[Mary]

I got Blu Ray DVDs.

[Kathy]

Okay, good.

[Mary]

All that's standing in the way of me. Can I get in some enjoyment of these discs is the goddamn player.

[Kathy]

Your pimple healed pretty fast.

[Mary]

It's not healing. It's still there.

[Kathy]

Thank you very much. Way better than you. You had a full wig on, acting like there was a mama crater under there.

[Mary]

It was mama. It was the beginnings of Mount Vesuvius. It was Mount St. Helen's daughter just emerging.

[Kathy]

Right?

[Mary]

The primordial ooze. It was. It was flagrant. It was abusive. I almost. I had to stay home. I had to do cold and hot compresses. I had to do steam. Eucalyptus mentholatum, benzoyl peroxide.

[Kathy]

Eucalyptus pussy.

[Mary]

I didn't do any of that.

[Kathy]

I gotta tell you what happened to me.

[Mary]

But wait, I'm not done with my story.

[Kathy]

Okay?

[Mary]

I forget what you were asking.

[Kathy]

You always say that and then there is nothing.

[Mary]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You just don't give me enough time to really formulate my opinion.

[Kathy]

Okay, Clammy again. I know. I always feel like I'm talking to a kindergarten with you, where I'm like, is this a question or a story?

[Mary]

Why can't it be?

[Kathy]

The hand is up. And I'm like, does anybody know the answer? And you go, my mom drives a blue car. Like, it's like some like that.

[Mary]

But I'm like, my mind. My mom drives a blue car. Right, right. No, no.

[Kathy]

It's always like. It's always like, I need to stop everything and tell you I had a great night's sleep last night.

[Mary]

Yeah. Any elaboration, any. Any relevance to what we were talking about?

[Kathy]

Not really. Not really.

[Mary]

Go ahead. Yeah. Um. I. The I in the car on the way here, my God, it got like a J. Lo second act flash. J. Loaf second act flash. Because what I was going to do, what I wanted to do after high school, one of the two things I wanted to do was either become a French teacher. But I knew at the time, because I was so gay, that I would not be able to summon or embody the authoritative armor necessary to fend off a bunch of youngsters. High schoolers. Now, baby, now. No, no. Yeah,

[Kathy]

yeah.

[Mary]

That I could do. I put on one of these nails, do my cocaine. Just kidding. And then I would let him have it. But I. I was thinking, you know what? 22, 23, 24, 28. No, 40 plus. That's what you. The age you need, the distance and the authoritative. You just need that, that, that age difference that kind of like in that life experience to be able to walk into a room of rotted, gutted high schoolers, you know, screaming six plus seven on Snapchat or whatever. And then get. Tell them to shut the up, sit down and open page 83.

[Kathy]

I watched a TikTok about this phenomenon that I. I don't know if it's true, but they're saying that if it's

[Mary]

on TikTok, it's true.

[Kathy]

Female. Like perhaps female teachers are sometimes very nice to the male athletes in the high school and then come down really hard on the girls. Many young women feel singled out by their female teachers and they feel like the teachers give extra, extra help or extra consideration to the athletes. I'm just watching TikToks okay. And that's where I get my news.

[Mary]

Well, that's where the.

[Kathy]

Other than the 16 hours of news a day that I watch. Speaking of Savannah, Savannah Guthrie's coming back to work. They still haven't found her mother.

[Mary]

You know where her mother is? Her mother is breast pumping Pam Bondi.

[Kathy]

That is awful.

[Mary]

I'm sorry. I don't know who. That's Savannah.

[Kathy]

Savannah Guthrie. She's a journalist. She's a television.

[Mary]

They took her mom?

[Kathy]

Yes. Her mother was kidnapped.

[Mary]

By whom?

[Kathy]

Like, months ago. And then they don't know and they can't find her. And Savannah's been talking about it very openly. This is not a joke. I watch a lot of news. It's awful. And let me tell you, if anybody out there is into stealing mothers, I will give you Val's home address and Ruth Paul's like, let's call me mother.

[Mary]

Snatched.

[Kathy]

It's just. It's. It's awful. I think that in the. In the world of crime and political warfare, we don't have to steal people's moms. I think that's pretty wild. Yeah.

[Mary]

It's also sad.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

It's also.

[Kathy]

I think it's easily. Mama.

[Mary]

Are you joking?

[Kathy]

Baby?

[Mary]

Let me tell you about Ms. Pat. Patricia Ann McCook. Neighboring. She is such a fast walker. You cannot. Mama you. She's so short, though, baby. Don't matter. She leaves everybody in the dust when we're on a group trip in a car. She doesn't wait till my. If my dad's driving. Usually she doesn't wait till he slows down or stops, opens the door, tuck rolls, and she's on her way.

[Kathy]

She is.

[Mary]

You cannot catch her. The elusive Shantuz.

[Kathy]

You're the youngest, right?

[Mary]

I'm the middle.

[Kathy]

You're the middle.

[Mary]

Just like you.

[Kathy]

Your sister's youngest. Yeah.

[Mary]

And your brother's older and. Yeah, but she is. She's. She. You can't catch her. You cannot catch her.

[Kathy]

And what's your sister's name again?

[Mary]

Shannon.

[Kathy]

Who would play her?

[Mary]

Shannon Grace, Kirsten Dunst.

[Kathy]

You guys would all play each other.

[Mary]

No, no, no, no.

[Kathy]

Kirsten Two Jeans. You all look so alike.

[Mary]

Kirsten Dunst would play my sister.

[Kathy]

So much like your brother.

[Mary]

I do.

[Kathy]

The face without the beard. It was like him with the. You with the dark beard.

[Mary]

Oh, and he's got a full head of hair. He's got the McCook side.

[Kathy]

Yeah. Are you only. Are you the only blonde? Your sister's kind of blonde, right?

[Mary]

No, my sister's brown.

[Kathy]

Okay.

[Mary]

But I'll never forget. I wish we could pull up a picture. I'll find it. She had a George Washington haircut when she was little. She got a perm. She was the spitting image of our first president.

[Kathy]

That's fierce.

[Mary]

It was like, you know, that much like, kind of like. You know what I'm talking about. You've seen the $1 bill?

[Kathy]

Oh, I've seen one. I've been doing drag long enough.

[Mary]

That was my sister.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Cunt.

[Kathy]

You want to know why? That I do in drag. And people think this is gross. When people tip me a dollar, I'll lick it, stick to the forehead. Audience goes wild.

[Mary]

I love that.

[Kathy]

But everybody's like, money's gross. Don't lick the money. I think that's classist.

[Mary]

Thank you. You don't know my experience.

[Kathy]

You don't know.

[Mary]

Also, I would. I would go even worse. I would crumple it up, put it in my mouth, and then I would. I would spit it up into the air and get. And catch it. Yeah. Swallow it.

[Kathy]

There was a drag artist called Sharon Needles, and I watched her. She used to take people's money and put it in a blender. Well, that's. And then she would take pages of the Bible and put it in a blender.

[Mary]

Well, I have no problem with that. That's gonna. I think. What?

[Kathy]

Shredding money. You would call the police.

[Mary]

I would call the police.

[Kathy]

I was like, pam Bondi, get down here.

[Mary]

Pam Bondi, get down here. And.

[Kathy]

A new dawn rises in Gilead.

[Mary]

From the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale comes the Testaments, a new Hulu original series based on the novel by Margaret Atwood. Golden Globe nominee Chase Infinity plays the dutiful teen Agnes, who guides newcomer Daisy through the halls of Aunt Lydia's elite preparatory school for future wives, where obedience is instilled brutally.

[Kathy]

With no connection to the outside world, the daughters of Gilead's commanders start to challenge authority, seek independence, and explore their identity. This is just the beginning of their reckoning.

[Mary]

The series explores friendship, empowerment, and resilience and what coming of age means for young women in a society that affords them no rights. Agnes and Daisy's bond becomes the catalyst that will upend their past, present, and future. Raised to obey but destined to defy, there's nothing more powerful than a teenage girl.

[Kathy]

Watch the new Hulu original series, The Testaments, premiering April 8 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

[Mary]

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[Kathy]

Do you think that Kristi Noam is still gonna be on the TVs at the airport? Is it gonna be over now because she's done so.

[Mary]

No, she's probably gonna be, because normally

[Kathy]

you walk in, it's 6am at LAX. You got the bone collector being like, if you see something, say something. You know, bitch, I see something. I see a lot of. I see a lot of things. She comes on the screen and I literally a phone rings and it goes seven Days.

[Mary]

I see your. I see your tracks. I see your.

[Kathy]

What about the old pictures of her?

[Mary]

I don't. You know, I haven't. I have to say, I haven't seen.

[Kathy]

Bring it up, Trace.

[Mary]

Bring it up. I have also bring up my George Washington haircut for my sister.

[Kathy]

Yeah. Google her sister's George Washington haircut from 1982. No, thank you.

[Mary]

1987. God. Oh, yeah.

[Kathy]

Your baby sister.

[Mary]

No, the. I have had. I have had the pleasure of avoiding all videography of Kristi Noem at the airport.

[Kathy]

That's great. Yeah, Huge. If true.

[Mary]

It is true.

[Kathy]

That's old Kristi Noem.

[Mary]

Can you say with the John and K Plus 8 hairdo?

[Kathy]

Isn't that fierce?

[Mary]

It is. Well, no.

[Kathy]

Looking like a library admin at a middle school.

[Mary]

Speaking of which, let's go back to my point, okay. I second act. JLo. I would go back to school because ridiculously, if you want to teach high school or even middle school, if you want to teach like 6th, 7th grade, you need a master's degree in what you're teaching.

[Kathy]

Even though it's pretty amazing.

[Mary]

It is pretty amazing. It's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. Depending on whatever. But you know, to teach.

[Kathy]

How are you going to pay off that master's degree as a teacher?

[Mary]

Well, see, you don't. That's why I use my first job to pay for my schooling for my second job, which is really just. It's not a cash grab, obviously, because you probably make about, I don't know, 40 grand a year. In a. In a. Where you live, the cost of living is about 125 grand a year. You know what I mean?

[Kathy]

Well, I know a lot of teachers who only teach at private schools because they get a huge rebate for their own children going to that school. So even though you may not get paid a crazy amount of money as a teacher, if you get half off tuition, you have three kids.

[Mary]

Are you talking about a university?

[Kathy]

No, I'm talking like the fancy private, like middle schools and shit.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

If you teach, their children can go for cheaper.

[Mary]

Right. I remember Rosemary, my friend Megan back, and this was in the 90s. She went to Saint Marks, which was in Massachusetts to the tune of 20 grand a year.

[Kathy]

High school now in the 90s, now $1.6 million. Uhhuh.

[Mary]

Absolutely. Well, she was. And she got to, you know, I've told the story before. We. I got to drive her dad's BMW was thrilling.

[Kathy]

And the death ride.

[Mary]

Well, no, that was. What. Yeah, well, that was the. That was that was something different.

[Kathy]

Not me. Remember your story.

[Mary]

But she.

[Kathy]

I started the hydroxychloroquine, and now my burmery is just. I'm on it.

[Mary]

Well, let's get it.

[Kathy]

Now we just smell.

[Mary]

I've been. I was like, what is that, a wind chime? A breast pump.

[Kathy]

Okay. James. Oh, the fork was on.

[Mary]

Ow. Ow. I just hit the lamp with my head.

[Kathy]

Oh, God. Oh. I took Jennifer. Took me to see a play. Jennifer took me on a date. Jennifer took me to the Broad.

[Mary]

Not the broadcast, the Broad.

[Kathy]

Is it called the Broad?

[Mary]

Well, in. In. In. In. In Massachusetts. Boston. In Cambridge, it's called the Broad. It might be called the. The Broad here. It's the Broad. Yeah, it's the Broad. I love that.

[Kathy]

Okay. Went to the Broad. Broad.

[Mary]

Broad Institute.

[Kathy]

Yes. Giant tables and chairs.

[Mary]

I don't.

[Kathy]

I don't know about visual art.

[Mary]

Yes, you do.

[Kathy]

I walked in, I was like, that table's big and left. Like that was it.

[Mary]

Wait, can you give me a little more?

[Kathy]

The artist does giant tables, chairs. Giant. Giant. Like standing underneath the kitchen table.

[Mary]

Sculpture.

[Kathy]

Sculpture. I mean, yeah, installations. It's a nice size. You can go through. I went through the whole. I went through the whole thing in 15 minutes. The whole art museum. I mean, I power walked through it. I was like, love it, love it, love it, love it, hate it, hate it.

[Mary]

Yeah. Camera phone, camera phone, camera phone.

[Kathy]

You got those little things to read. But I have hobbies. I gotta go. Yeah, right. I'll make up what I think about it. Don't tell me what I think.

[Mary]

It's subjective. Thank you.

[Kathy]

Oh, I'm so nauseous. Okay. And so then we leave and Jennifer takes me to dinner. I go, great, perfect. Tries to bug me. But then she takes me to see Here Lies Love. Follow me here.

[Mary]

Here Lies Love. Not love. Lies bleeding.

[Kathy]

No, it was what Lies Beneath with Michelle Pfeiffer. No, she takes me to see Here Lies Love, which is a musical play about the Marcos regime and the rise of Imelda Marcos, the first lady of the Philippines with the shoes, who ushered in the Marcos regime, which ultimately is like banning free press, curfews, fascistic kind of thing. The family is, like, widely known to have basically bled the country's money into their own bank accounts and has never truly answered for it. Yeah, Set that to a disco musical. It's a disco EDM musical with a drag queen.

[Mary]

Manila Luzon.

[Kathy]

No, it was a girl from Drag Race. Who Google to that. I don't know who. I mean, she was awesome.

[Mary]

Manila Famously did her in a Snatch Game.

[Kathy]

Yes. Yes. That's how I knew she was. Yeah. So I sit down with Jennifer, and Jennifer goes, I want you to go in blind to go. Great. So I Google it immediately, because I'm like, jennifer, get real. I go, jennifer, is this the Imelda Marcos musical And she goes, nope, nope, nope. Just watch.

[Mary]

And it was.

[Kathy]

I'd never seen anything like it. I'm really beautiful. I mean, I've seen a lot of musicals, and, you know, when I was in school, we used to learn about every type of musical. I'd never seen, like, an edm, like, dance music musical. The music is produced by Fat Boy Slim, who I love. And so it's a lot of sounds like Fat Boy Slim music. It's about Imelda Marcos being from a small town, being really pretty and hot, and then she gets turned down by this guy for being too tall. She's depressed. She goes to the city. She moves to Manila, and then. I'm not spoiling it, because this is historical events.

[Mary]

Sure.

[Kathy]

Then she marries this guy who becomes the president. I forget his first names. Fernando Marcos Kennedy.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Kathy]

They are fabulously wealthy. Bleed the country of money. Very. Which country systems are you? The Philippines.

[Mary]

The Philippines.

[Kathy]

The Philippines. I've never been Manila. You've been, right?

[Mary]

I've been. I've been twice.

[Kathy]

Oh. Ora Mayari was the queen, and the drag queen role actually was awesome because the drag queen was dressed as Imelda. She opened the show and kind of was like, we're gonna tell this cool story. Then there's moments where Imelda's kind of, like, reflecting, and the drag queen is there with her, and she. A point of, like, for Imelda to kind of, like, notice her where she is. They use the drag queen as a way for, like, Imelda's nanny to be, like, to not recognize her anymore because she's so blown out on money and, like, being powerful. I just would have never. A disco ball. Disco ball the size of this room while they're singing about, like, the collapse of the Philippines.

[Mary]

Like, do you think it was.

[Kathy]

I think the Philippines collapsed, but it was so fascistic.

[Mary]

Do you think it was, like. Would not craven, but do you think it was. What's the word? Vulgar or, like, insensitive or something?

[Kathy]

Do you remember that moment in cabaret when the Nazis have invaded and you have, like, Sally Bowles singing Life is a cabaret with the Nazi gear on, and you have the juxtaposition of, like, well, somebody putting their head in the sand? And partying while it's so awful.

[Mary]

It's. There's irony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's dramatic irony.

[Kathy]

But the disco ball and like, like Imelda doing populars with drag queens.

[Mary]

So there was a dissonance that was intentional. Yes.

[Kathy]

And then they cut to, like, the news and it's a, you know, activist being like, we need to take these people down. And I went home and watched the documentary about Imelda Marcos. Eventually, the whole country came for them in the palace. They flew them out of the country and they moved to Hawaii because the country is like, we're coming into this palace and we're going to eat you. They. January 6th, their palace. They're in there fudgeing with her shoes, sitting at her desk, being like. And what? Bitch.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

And guess, guess who is the president of the Philippines right now.

[Mary]

Pam Bondi.

[Kathy]

No, her son.

[Mary]

Fernando Marco Marcos.

[Kathy]

Bong. Bong Marcos is. This is the president of the Philippines. And so it was chilling because we're in a second Trump presidency. Yeah. And it's like sort of what I got from it. And I'm. Listen, I've never been to the Philippines. Shout out to the Philippines. I would love to go.

[Mary]

Mary, I'll let you finish your thought before.

[Kathy]

The musical portrays the country as obviously so beautiful and cool that the internal corrupt, financial political warfare is so shocking.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

And the disco and the glitz of it made it even more like, so sickening and absurd.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kathy]

I would say in that sense it was really effective. And it was. I, I just like to leave a musical a little happy. And that was like cabaret, where you leave and you're like, so should we go lay down?

[Mary]

Yeah. I mean, I, that's why I prefer the, the, the Bob Fosse film version of Cabaret to any, any stage production Barbie scene here. No, I have not the musical hair.

[Kathy]

Yeah, it. You don't leave super happy. You leave reflecting and you feel empowered. This left me definitely feeling like, oh, my God, America is.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

We're watching the, we're watching up some parallels here. We're living it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now more than ever, now more than ever.

[Mary]

When I went to the Philippines, it was. We went to Manila. And I distinctly recall flying in there over like sort of shantytownish looking neighborhoods, like reminiscent of. Somehow reminiscent of like the, the favelas in Brazil. Like not so. So like downtrodden, but it was a lot of incoming inequality, let's just say like a lot of glaring income inequality. We get to our hotel, there's Armed guards with machine guns everywhere. And the. It was a lot. It was very different.

[Kathy]

Yes, very, very different.

[Mary]

The crowd, I gotta say, Mary, the crowd was. I did my little dookie show and they were so, so supportive. It was like crazy. It was so fierce. It was so hot.

[Kathy]

The Filipino drag queens watching you do your dog show.

[Mary]

My dog show. I was. I like, barked and barked. Woof, woof, woofed. And they were just hooped and hollered while I sweated their. My entire body weight off. It was so hot there, girl.

[Kathy]

You know what? I just came across that clip from the live bald and the beautiful in Norway when I was in Boston at Jacques. And I said, I can't believe Katie used to work here with you hot, hot, gorgeous trans girls. And they said, yeah, estrogen hadn't hit Boston yet, baby.

[Mary]

Because I'm telling you, once these.

[Kathy]

No, I don't mean to be ignorant. I just want people to know. I went home, did a bunch of research in the Philippines, watched that documentary

[Mary]

and sold all your shoes.

[Kathy]

I mean, the Philippines is fucking cool. But learning about, like, the deep corruption that is, like, active was like, so.

[Mary]

I mean, the world is a horrible place, everybody.

[Kathy]

It's a horrible place.

[Mary]

People are rotten, everything sucks, and we're all going to hell.

[Kathy]

Something they said in the documentary is the Marcos regime was so destructive, thousands of people are killed and stuff. Something they said in the documentary was the school systems haven't even been able to update their textbooks. So young kids are reading history textbooks that say how great the Marcos regime is. So these young people are like, let's vote for.

[Mary]

It's just.

[Kathy]

Yeah, sounds a little.

[Mary]

Where does that sound familiar?

[Kathy]

But I hope to go to the Philippines someday. I never been to Asia. I've never been to Asia.

[Mary]

Okay, I heard you. I just. Calm down. Everybody's been to Asia. Calm down. Calm down, everybody.

[Kathy]

Take a look to your left. 100 of those people have been to Asia.

[Mary]

Hong Kong is so lit, so expensive.

[Kathy]

So would be like, girl, I go to Hong Kong or three times a year.

[Mary]

Yeah. What's wrong with you?

[Kathy]

No kidding.

[Mary]

Well, I suggest. I just want to put this out there. I would love to return to Hong Kong. I'd love to go back to Singapore. Although the weather's a little challenging. It's about 85 degrees all year round with 100 humidity.

[Kathy]

Okay.

[Mary]

I don't know if I can go

[Kathy]

to the Philippines now.

[Mary]

That's Singapore. Okay, but baby, I'm not joking. So when I got. And. And I'm gonna tell you because Singapore had a. Basically, if you got caught with drugs, they'd kill you. Okay, that's. That's tea. Singapore has a very fierce no drug policy, so she was stone cold sober when she was there. Like, down and diva down.

[Kathy]

We gotta move you to Singapore.

[Mary]

Yeah, no, but. So the point is, I'm there kill

[Kathy]

you here, if that helps.

[Mary]

I. I'm there. Not a goofball in sight.

[Kathy]

You know, eating M M's. Yeah. Skittles.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Kathy]

You know what I mean? Red Bull. Yes.

[Mary]

I'm. I remember. It was in. I was in Singapore when the episode three of the last season of Game of Thrones dropped. I'm a circle in my. My laptop like a freak because I'm just on edge and because I couldn't go outside for not even a minute to smoke a cigarette. Too hot, baby doll. It was so hot and humid.

[Kathy]

And my friend, they probably have great skin, though. That humidity is good for the skin, mama.

[Mary]

Moisture.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

It was like everybody's glistening. Not a beat of sweat on those native residents, including my friend Eugene, who is fiercely and famously over £300.

[Kathy]

Fierce.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

Who's the. The drag queen's name is Ani Ari Ora Mayari. She ate the voice. Sickening the look. She was so good. And having a drag queen dressed as Imelda introducing it, almost like we're gonna have a really celebratory, fun disco show. The bait and switch was so effective when by the end of it, you're just like. I mean, that ends with this activist, like, toward the end, getting shot on stage and a shooting in a play. Always. Like, when I saw Abraham Lincoln, it's just. It's very Abraham Lincoln. Well, it's different than. Omari's shooting on stage was just hilarious. Yeah, that was very different, actually.

[Mary]

I thought that was very disturbing.

[Kathy]

Oh, okay, wait, wait. But I just. But I just wanted to say she was so good and so great, and I don't want to stereotype, but they make this joke in the beginning about, like, what do all Filipinos love? Karaoke. It's an all Filipino cast. Some of the best live singing I've ever heard in my life.

[Mary]

Oh, really?

[Kathy]

Unbelievable. Like. Like, you would have swore because it's edm. You would have swore. They're lip syncing. It was like a drag show, but it was like, no, they're singing some of the best singing. And the male leads. The two male leads.

[Mary]

Hot, sexy. Well, thank God. Well, thank God, because I don't go to the theater to watch a bunch of dogs a Bunch of dogs, like, trotting around, barking.

[Kathy]

I saw this tick tock. There was this girl being like, this goal, being like, hollywood needs to stop putting attractive people on screen and they need to stop, like, getting like, Timothee Chalamet in the makeup chair to add acne and then call them ugly on screen.

[Mary]

Damn.

[Kathy]

She was like, I have acne.

[Mary]

Hire me. I wear glasses.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

I can't take them off.

[Kathy]

I'm not saying I need more ugly people, but I don't belong for no. They got hotness on screen. I don't care.

[Mary]

That is where you and I differ, young lady, because I don't go to the movies to watch Miss Dog from down the street. Because I can just walk down the

[Kathy]

street and see her beauty. Subjective.

[Mary]

That's true.

[Kathy]

So what are you gonna do? Hope every movie caters to your idea of beauty. They do what? Like, just like a white man?

[Mary]

No, I got plenty, Tracy.

[Kathy]

Just like a white man.

[Mary]

Exactly.

[Kathy]

Silence. White men, voices.

[Mary]

I got plenty of. I have plenty of ideas of beauty. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let me tell you a little story about a drag queen in her twenties. For this exceedingly gorgeous human being, money felt less like a tool and more like a possum wearing a fedora, driving your car into a shopping mall in Dan. Hypothetically, if this preternaturally beautiful drag queen with a dream and the financial instincts of a cursed child spent most of her rent money on rhinestones, fishnet stockings, and several dresses from a thrift store named Regret, it's highly likely that person would lie awake at four in the morning thinking, wow, I'm not just bad with money, I'm financial ruin as performance art. Just like me in my 20s, financial stress really gets into everything. It's not just your bank account. It ruins your sleep, your relationships, and can lead to high levels of anxiety. If money issues have been weighing on you, that does not mean you failed. It simply means you might need support. Therapy is not about somebody telling you how to do taxes. It's about unpacking the shame and stress around money and learning how to cope without spiraling. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists, helps match you based on a brief questionnaire. And if the fit is wrong, you can switch anytime. It's convenient, supportive, and people love it for a reason. I truly believe that therapy can really Help. And with BetterHelp, it's so much easier. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your Needs and preferences and our 12 years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means we typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. From our tailored recs. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] bald. That's better. H E L P.com bald.

[Kathy]

If you can see it. It was. It was very effective.

[Mary]

I would love to go see it, but what I would.

[Kathy]

Very little talking. Almost all singing.

[Mary]

Okay, now I'm not gonna go but edm. No. No. Early dog music.

[Kathy]

Apparently. I looked it up. In the New York rendition of it. There was a standing room pit. Like, the show is like party.

[Mary]

So it's a party time.

[Kathy]

But then it gets so political and so effective. You leave very rattled. I left rattled.

[Mary]

You know what I think? Very rattled. I would love to go. I would also love for you and I to go to London to do a show only so that we can see Catherine Tate in Omari.

[Kathy]

Mary. Oh, Mary.

[Mary]

Oh, Mary.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Whale. Kathleen Whale. Rosemary. Will you be marching on Sunday with us? Rosemary. I will show the bastards. She is going to fucking. She's gonna beat that bitch with a bat. I'm talking about the role you could play.

[Kathy]

Oh, Mary.

[Mary]

I could never. Can I say this? I could never. Everybody, shut up.

[Kathy]

Everybody.

[Mary]

I could never.

[Kathy]

But you're not saying it. I'm saying it.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Kathy]

You don't think that you could play an active addict who has a flair for performing? I could do a bad wig.

[Mary]

I could do it once. And I would.

[Kathy]

I would have six years to memorize.

[Mary]

Yeah. As long as I had six years ago.

[Kathy]

You can't do it.

[Mary]

Jillian Michaels boot camp. And then I would.

[Kathy]

What if you play her and I could play the teacher?

[Mary]

Mary. Wouldn't that be fun? It would always say, like, it'd be. The one thing I wouldn't have to get past is calling everybody Mary. Right. Although you are married.

[Kathy]

Yeah. My favorite part is when she's puking in the bucket.

[Mary]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Kathy]

That's my favorite part, too.

[Mary]

And she drinks it.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

I. The. I. I. Yeah. So I. It's just funny. I was thinking about that the other day and I had a dream that I was, like, up for casting and I was up against, like, me. It was like, me, Michelle Pfeiffer and Sharon Stone and all these other gorgeous blonde actresses like me. And we were all concerned with the brown wig. That was our number one concern. It was Like, I'd love to see.

[Kathy]

I can do the role.

[Mary]

I can do the role. Of course we all can do the role. We're all talented actresses, seasoned actresses, award winning. But we just don't want to do the brown wig.

[Kathy]

Right?

[Mary]

So we all left. Isn't that funny?

[Kathy]

I don't disagree.

[Mary]

It's a horribly ugly wig.

[Kathy]

Whenever I get on some, like when I did English teacher, and they're like, your characters. What was my character's name? Shazam. And Mommy, I was like, have you guys thought anything about the look? What about a blonde wig? And what about exactly my normal makeup?

[Mary]

Okay, great.

[Kathy]

Perfect.

[Mary]

Yeah, it's like.

[Kathy]

Because they're like, oh, she's an old show girl. She's like a. She's like a drag queen who's been around the block. I was like, okay, but I've seen those girls. I'm not doing that. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you don't want me to do that.

[Mary]

Cole is Cole. And Skull is face. They can do.

[Kathy]

I mean, so beautiful.

[Mary]

Yeah, we've talked about this. We will continue to talk about this. I will continue to grind this ax until my last bitter breath is wheezed from my body. They have a face that is so perfect for any type of wig.

[Kathy]

Yeah. And it's true.

[Mary]

And. And a demi brown lash.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Just a smear of chapstick. Maybe a dot of blush and. And a twinkle in their eye. And it's a woman.

[Kathy]

They were in. They were in David Silver's movie. Please, Baby, Please, Baby, Please. And even in that, they had them in, like, kind of campy club shit. Still. 8. There's a scene where they're singing in the. In like a phone booth and it's all beautifully lit. And that was the grabber too.

[Mary]

Yeah, they were the ghost. The ghost of the.

[Kathy]

The ghostly grabber. Black phone. Yeah.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

Two horrible.

[Mary]

Grabber on ice.

[Kathy]

The Christian propaganda ghost on ice. Well. Well, if you don't want the Grabber's ghost to get you, you need to embrace Jesus Christ. That was such a bait and switch. If, like, the Gladys origin story comes out and it's really just about embracing God, I'll lose it.

[Mary]

I'll lose it.

[Kathy]

And you know what else? I'm so happy for Amy Madigan. Of course. Why, if you're good, why can't we. Why? Why?

[Mary]

Why?

[Kathy]

Was it outside the realm of possibility for Toni Collette and Hereditary to receive a professional accolade in that way?

[Mary]

No. No. Right.

[Kathy]

And I'm not. I'm not taking away from Amy Madigan No, I think you deserve it.

[Mary]

Yeah. Yeah. But don't you think that's going to open the door in the future?

[Kathy]

I want it because I have a lot of retroactive. I have, like, Vanguard Female Oscars that I need to give out, starting with Nev Campbell. Yeah. And then over to Tony Colletton. Hereditary. Yeah.

[Mary]

Then to Demi Moore in Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels, too.

[Kathy]

Yes.

[Mary]

Thank you.

[Kathy]

I love that scene where she's like, I wasn't good.

[Mary]

I was great.

[Kathy]

And shoots the speaker with the body. Her entrance on the beach in that movie.

[Mary]

That's a woman.

[Kathy]

Please, Baby, Please. Too. She has this long monologue. It's really cool. She has this wig with. If anybody hasn't seen. Please, Baby, Please.

[Mary]

Artsy film, everybody.

[Kathy]

Wacky artsy film. But very good.

[Mary]

I would love to see it. I would love to see it. So back to my second act, JLo. I always wanted to be a French teacher, but I knew and I knew and I know and I was right that if I, like many teachers out of. So you go to. You go to college, maybe you do two years of masters of grad school, and then you go try to do your teacher's inter. Whatever. So.

[Kathy]

Yeah, because it's grad school and some kind of teaching certification. Right?

[Mary]

A teaching certification. And then there's, like, student teaching.

[Kathy]

Did you know to be a sub, you'll need an undergrad?

[Mary]

I'm sure that's. I'm sure you need a PhD in several subjects now.

[Kathy]

We should do that.

[Mary]

Joe.

[Kathy]

Celebrity Substitute.

[Mary]

Joe. Celebrity subs.

[Kathy]

No, there's a TV show called Celebrity Substitute where they have, like, Ed Sheeran go be a substitute teacher. You and I could do it.

[Mary]

We could. You could. You could. I'm not famous enough and I'm so poor. They would say, get out of here.

[Kathy]

You're not. It's not that. You're not famous enough. You're not famous at all.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Kathy]

But I am. And I can help you.

[Mary]

Thank you. That's my problem. Okay. No, I would. I would want to be like Viola Swamp if I was a sub. But I. What I really would love is, like, I mean, I'm the old merry wig backwards. I want the buns to be, like, here and here.

[Kathy]

Yes.

[Mary]

No. At 28, I could not have been a teacher. I could not have had Summon the confidence or build up the wall to tell kids to shut the fuck up and sit down. You. I know you can't swear like that, but that's the energy and that's the authoritative tone. You need to get them to sit down and stop saying six plus seven. Tick tock. Yeah, yeah. But now I think I'd rather teach Russian, but.

[Kathy]

Okay.

[Mary]

Okay. So can I. Will you please indulge me in a very small exercise?

[Kathy]

Yeah, no, it's good. I'm nauseous. I don't want to talk.

[Mary]

Okay, great. So it's a. It's a repeat after me. I was looking up. So you know how a lot people, like, scroll at night? They look through porn or whatever on the phone, in the toilet. Yeah, yada, yada. I look, I've been looking at old church Slavonic script, which is like the. The. The. A precursor to the Cyrillic Alphabet. It was, like, derived from Greek, and it was like, with the. With the old monks and the Orthodox. They did the. They transcribed the Bible and shit. So cunty, so squiggly. So lovely. But I thought I could. I want to just do a call in response of the Russian Alphabet with you just to practice and see if I could be a.

[Kathy]

Try King.

[Mary]

Name Russian Alphabet.

[Kathy]

Call and response.

[Mary]

Call in response.

[Kathy]

It just came to me. Anybody can have that. That's great.

[Mary]

Take it. Take it. You.

[Kathy]

Somebody's gonna comment. I actually am named that. Well, I didn't know.

[Mary]

Yeah, well, Sierra missed. Zari 2015. Pull up the tweet.

[Kathy]

Sierra missed.

[Mary]

I. I know I said it. And now there is one I thought of.

[Kathy]

RuPaul. I gotta show you this. While you look that up, I gotta show you this drag king that I'm obsessed with. Okay. The drag king's name is Milkman.

[Mary]

Milkman. You've been the milkman girl.

[Kathy]

When I show you this.

[Mary]

Now that's. That's a high school teacher.

[Kathy]

Look at.

[Mary]

That's what you need.

[Kathy]

Can you believe I.

[Mary]

That's.

[Kathy]

Look at this. Look at this.

[Mary]

That's the kind of. That's the kind of energy you need to teach those kids.

[Kathy]

That's the kind of energy I need for my drag kings.

[Mary]

Married. Married.

[Kathy]

That's tea. I want. That's weird. Look at, like. Look at the makeup they're using.

[Mary]

Pam Bondi's breast pump. But that's. That's really great.

[Kathy]

Zoom in on Cam B. Whatever. Look at this. I'm sorry.

[Mary]

That's fierce. That's actually. That's incredibly fierce.

[Kathy]

Walked into precinct.

[Mary]

Yeah. It would be curtains for everybody.

[Kathy]

I would become one of those, like, those drunk straight girls who just wanders on stage and starts dancing. What's with that?

[Mary]

Well, they're.

[Kathy]

I don't want to stereotype. No, I don't want these drunk straight girls.

[Mary]

But. Oh.

[Kathy]

Cause it's their.

[Mary]

But if we're talking bachelorette parties, it's their day. Didn't you know that? It's their night. It's their night, and you are all victims of their joy.

[Kathy]

I want to. I want to retract my statement. Okay. What's with people getting on stage at a drag show?

[Mary]

Okay. Yeah, well, they want to be the star. They say. They look at you.

[Kathy]

Drag isn't good. But don't get up there.

[Mary]

No, don't get up there and try to. It's not your time. There's an order to things. There's. There's this. There's a process. There's a process.

[Kathy]

Process.

[Mary]

Okay, so repeat after me. This is a Russian Alphabet. Ah.

[Kathy]

Ah. Yeah, yeah. Y, y,

[Mary]

L, m. I'm trying.

[Kathy]

No, no, you know, you just going, I'm trying.

[Mary]

I'm trying. L, l, m, m, n, n, o.

[Kathy]

I'm trying. I never heard these before. I'm really trying.

[Mary]

Like spirits.

[Kathy]

I love it. Okay.

[Mary]

Like pizza.

[Kathy]

I'm trying. Those are the letters. Yeah.

[Mary]

So these are the sh. And. Okay, and then. And then. Eh.

[Kathy]

You. You. Yeah, yeah. Not fun.

[Mary]

Hard. So it's weird. So. So if I'm on. I'm in my car and I'm talking that Siri. And. Because I. You know what? I don't like to, like, fumble with the phone while I drive. I was on the road smoking cigarettes and then smoke in the car now. Well, no, I'm telling you, while I have been. Listen, full disclosure, I'm not a liar. Oh, I try not to lie. That's a lie. I. I have been smoking a little bit, as you can attest to. Can you smell my shitty body? I smoke a lot less. That's for sure. I mean, a lot, lot less. In the X program. Never hired me to. To quit. And that was the condition of our arrangement. They're realistic. They know I'm a. They know I'm gonna lie and cheat and be a. Be a. Or whatever, but I. I smoke it. Like, I went from 35 or 25 to 30 cigarettes a day down to, you know, sometimes zero, sometimes 10. But in the car, I have a hard time giving it up.

[Kathy]

A lot of people have told me that before. The driving. Smoking is a big thing for people.

[Mary]

And I used to find.

[Kathy]

What do you think that is?

[Mary]

I used to find it repulsive. Because smoking as a person, your car is gonna smell.

[Kathy]

Oh, baby, you have to stop. Baby. I know car is gonna smell, but get.

[Mary]

Get into this.

[Kathy]

You give me rides sometimes, mama.

[Mary]

I don't give anybody. I give. Listen, I used to smoke in my house, in my apartment and I was not aware of the fact of how nasty the cat's ass smell that was permeated on every fabric, a piece of wall, everything in there.

[Kathy]

It was truly vile for a hookup. And they.

[Mary]

You. No, no, no, no I wouldn't.

[Kathy]

You go to guys house for a hookup and they smoke and told you they smoke.

[Mary]

No, no, it's a non starter. It's a non starter. You can't do it. You can't. A non smoker cannot have sex.

[Kathy]

I'd rather a shorty.

[Mary]

No, you can't smoke. You can't have sex or kiss a smoker when you have the short king

[Kathy]

and then the smoking. Yeah,

[Mary]

but so wait, what the was the.

[Kathy]

Oh, sorry. You were talking about smoking in the car and smoking indoors. We were talking about smoking and driving. What's the correlation?

[Mary]

Oh, it's my best friend, One of

[Kathy]

my best friends, Jenny in high school.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

She told me I'm trying to stop smoking, but when I'm driving. When I'm driving it's.

[Mary]

Well, so I. There's two things in the car that are absolutely essential for me to get into it and drive the car. Key access to all. No, access to all of the songs that I need to listen to or want to listen to. That is non negotiable. That's number one. I cannot, like my mother, drive in complete silence, focused on the road, alone with her thoughts. It is diabolical serial killer behavior. Enviable. But I can't relate. She doesn't listen to music. She's never listened to music. She certainly doesn't do it in the car. She sits, she. She drives quietly, carefully on the road. I can't. I have to blast music. I have to sing it loudly.

[Kathy]

My boyfriend goes for 10 mile walks, no music.

[Mary]

That to me is the killer.

[Kathy]

Just staring into space.

[Mary]

Like Mary, if I had.

[Kathy]

When I go missing baby, if I'm

[Mary]

leaving the like if I have to go from 40ft outside without my headphones, I start to unravel.

[Kathy]

Girl, can I tell you, please. We keep talking about how the AirPods get lost because you drop them and they fly into space. So I had to buy new headphones. Now I got the gen 4 airpods even smaller case. And I will say the magnets are stronger.

[Mary]

Imagine the grip.

[Kathy]

The magnets are stronger.

[Mary]

Oh, are they?

[Kathy]

So I think like they're in there better.

[Mary]

You know what I think? You need to do. I think this, this maybe would have compromised the, the mechanism of the actual thing. But you know how they have like chalk spray paint where like you can spray paint a surface and it becomes a chalkboard.

[Kathy]

Understood? Yes.

[Mary]

What about a grip? A grippy kind of spray or a grippy kind of like, like a, like a, a, A textured kind of. You know what I'm talking about.

[Kathy]

I could see that. Yes.

[Mary]

Like basically turn them into. Put Astroturf on them.

[Kathy]

Well, I mean, realistically, every time you close it, you can just put like a rubber band around it. Like there's a lot of things you

[Mary]

could do that doesn't work because it's gonna slide right off. Not rubber, rubber band with those oily, nasty, slippery, slick headphones.

[Kathy]

Call in if anybody from the genius bar at Apple wants to call in.

[Mary]

Well, I'd recently traded in my AirPod Maxes for another brand which I doesn't really work like that.

[Kathy]

Live that giant over the ear headphone life.

[Mary]

No, no, no. This is just. This is for the plane. This is for the studio.

[Kathy]

Understood?

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

The exercising. The wet.

[Mary]

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nasty project. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah. So I. But I'm not. We're not sponsored by the brand, so I won't mention it. But let me tell you, that noise canceling. I love it. I love it so much.

[Kathy]

Yeah, it's great. The new Apple headphones have like a. I don't like. Okay. Earbuds, tiny earbuds. I don't like the kind that plug your ear. I don't like the feeling of a plug. Yes. Where when I'm talking, I answer a phone call, it sounds like I'm underwater.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Kathy]

I hate that.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

I like the AirPods because it's like the sound of the room comes through. It's not a plug.

[Mary]

Well, you can do three different.

[Kathy]

And you can turn on the noise canceling so your ears don't feel plugged and feel noise canceled. I really like.

[Mary]

Well, you have the three different. You've got immersive, you've got aware, you've got noise canceling.

[Kathy]

Yes.

[Mary]

There's a situation with those, with the over the head things.

[Kathy]

However, when I'm producing music on the plane and stuff, I have to use corded headphones because when you're trying to make music, the little bit of a delay from Bluetooth, it makes it impossible. So I do travel with like a good old fashioned these. I actually really love these.

[Mary]

I do too. And These are very similar to the ones that I have purchased. And baby, guess what they are Corded up, plugged in, tuned in, tapped in, turned on.

[Kathy]

Are you corded? Are your nipples corded?

[Mary]

Are you tuned in, tapped in, turned on.

[Kathy]

I'm James Corden.

[Mary]

Oh, horrible.

[Kathy]

Is he still going on?

[Mary]

I hope not. Horrible.

[Kathy]

He was big for a while. They were.

[Mary]

Oh, no, no, he was huge.

[Kathy]

Every channel was him. Yeah.

[Mary]

Doing a carpool karaoke. Eat shit, James Corden. I don't care for him. Oh, that's too mean.

[Kathy]

Now he's not Pam Bondi, huh? Fuck him.

[Mary]

Who cares? Okay.

[Kathy]

Thank you.

[Mary]

I hate. And when Anna Wintour during her little boo boo, like, this is my office. Be afraid of me to work with vogue. Her unrehearsed 73 questions. Her favorite comedian was James Corden. I was like, kick her out of the office. Kick her right out of the office. Kick her out of the office.

[Kathy]

Boop. Mine might be Maria, but I love Dana Gold as well.

[Mary]

Maria who?

[Kathy]

Bamford, female comedian. Yeah. 100. But I love Dana Gold to that Robbie Hoffman.

[Mary]

You were talking to me about the Robbie eats.

[Kathy]

Robbie eats. Robbie said Robbie was doing this white

[Mary]

girl from Brooklyn with a boyfriend.

[Kathy]

Yeah.

[Mary]

No.

[Kathy]

Takes these backsies. Robbie. I saw Robbie at the Emmys. I said, robbie, just so you know, like, I tell everybody you're my boyfriend. And they were like, that's cool. I was like, great. Perfect. I was like, ever since I worked together, I tell people you're my boyfriend. I forgot to tell you.

[Mary]

It's fine.

[Kathy]

Sorry.

[Mary]

That's fine.

[Kathy]

You're my boyfriend, though.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Kathy]

It was.

[Mary]

They had.

[Kathy]

They had lost their Emmy nomination.

[Mary]

They were dejected.

[Kathy]

Yeah. No, they were really cool about it.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Kathy]

And they were just back there like, it's okay. It sucks, though, but it's okay. And I was like, that is it. Yeah, I think. And you know. Yeah.

[Mary]

Especially if you go to the trouble of going to the ceremony, you know, you have to wait in line. You have to get all fluffed up and stuff.

[Kathy]

Yeah, mama.

[Mary]

The. The next Emmys, the cage match between Ms. Kudrow and Ms. Smart is going to be deep, vicious, and polymarket. I know. Because we're going to be in their respective corners.

[Kathy]

Like, no, we're best guest stars.

[Mary]

Yes. And we're also going to. When they cage match, we're going to be giving them the water, making them doing the ice on the chin. Like, yes.

[Kathy]

Or it's like Greece. They're like, doing a sing fight, and we're like, tell me about it.

[Mary]

Yeah. Throwing daggers. And yeah.

[Kathy]

Oh, my God. Did I tell you this backstage at the Emmys where I presented with Kelly.

[Mary]

Cliffhanger.

[Kathy]

Yes.

[Mary]

Maybe this is a cliffhanger.

[Kathy]

Come on, drunk girl.

[Mary]

Why don't you tell me next episode?

[Kathy]

But. Or no, it's just a little rap at the end. Little rap at the end. Okay, I'll tell you next episode. Oh, okay.

[Mary]

You're right.

[Kathy]

You're right. I love a cliffhanger. I know that, Mr. Man.

[Mary]

You think I'm stupid. Well, tune in if you want to hear this riveting. The riveting conclusion to our cliffhanging.

[Kathy]

Well, now that people know I'm on the Comeback, I can tell you the rest. The Malin Ackerman story.

[Mary]

Oh, baby. All right, stay tuned.

[Kathy]

And tapped in and turned on.

[Mary]

See you next time. Foreign. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us.

[Kathy]

I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your

[Mary]

way could probably be blamed on your father not being employed, emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.