Bobby and the Ice Queens with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Bobby and the Ice Queens" with Trixie and Katya

The Bald and the Beautiful (April 14, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Trixie and Katya—iconic drag queens with a penchant for unfiltered banter—spill on everything from bizarre LA nightlife and queer community etiquette to the intricacies of medical gaslighting, pet birds, and porn consumption. “Bobby and the Ice Queens" is packed with irreverent comedic observations, drag and pop culture callbacks, and moments of genuine insight about language, health, and the importance of owning your uniqueness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Queer LA Nightlife Adventures

• Vaseline Alley & Night Out (00:40–03:37)

  • Trixie recounts a wild parking experience in West Hollywood’s notorious “Vaseline Alley,” complete with lurid, oddly coordinated public hookups: “You have Joe Schmo, the closeted guy in like sunglasses, watching the baby Jer the freak off.”
  • The group then heads to a trivia night, where Trixie dominates a Barbie-themed round: “[Trivia host,] you need to do some more research. That Barbie actually didn’t come (number three model) till 1961.” (04:25)

• Bar Gifts & LA Gay Bars (05:56–08:46)

  • The post-trivia celebration extends to Smitty’s. They laugh about the triviality of bar prizes (“a $50 bar tab you have to use next time”), poke fun at sponsorships, and riff on their friendships and mutual support.

2. Representation, Language, and Evolving Queer Etiquette

• Discussing “Dyke,” Language, & Community Labels (10:22–15:14)

  • They address the complex relationship queer communities have with reclaiming and using loaded terms, especially “dyke,” explaining their decision to use it less after feedback:
    “Not everyone feels the same way about that word.” (11:47, Mary)
    They reflect on the shifting standards around “fat,” “overweight,” and other language that divides or unites.

  • Memorable Quote:
    “I consider myself end-stage woke. And it’s very possible to call someone the wrong thing.” (14:22, Mary)

  • Guest Moment:
    Guest 3 joins:
    “What are you most comfortable with?”
    “Fat dyke.” (14:43)
    — A celebration of self-identification and candidness.

• On Microaggressions in Professional Settings (13:19–14:22)

  • Trixie shares how workplace language—even reclaimed slurs within the community—can sometimes be deemed harassment if others are uncomfortable, regardless of intent.

3. Birds, Pets, and Animal Intelligence

• Animal Stories & Bird Facts (26:11–32:41)
  • Trixie is preparing to receive a hand-reared macaw, launching into a passionate reflection on animal intelligence, particularly parrots and crows:
    “Learning about animals grows the economy, hurts nobody. Animals are amazing.” (28:20, Mary)
  • Katya details using the Merlin bird app to identify birds by their calls, marveling at mockingbirds:
    “It gives you, it gives you a… so let’s see, what did I…” (30:36)
  • Bird subreddit story: a pet conure obsessed with “Macho Man Randy Savage” clips.

4. Medical Mistrust, Chronic Illness & Fatphobia

• Doctors, Diagnosis, and Distrust (60:01–64:11)

  • Both discuss their personal experiences with chronic illness, misdiagnosis, and the painful wait for validation—Trixie with ankylosing spondylitis, Katya with the struggle to be believed by doctors.

  • They dig into how medical authority is both revered and suspect (“I was raised with blind faith in medical doctors”), how fat people face unique prejudices, and how the business of healthcare compounds these issues.

  • Notable Exchange:
    Mary: “Why would I be in the doctor’s office if I’m not in pain?” (63:24)
    Bob: “I can count three doctors who have ever made nonjudgmental suggestions or even listened.” (62:28)

5. Drag, Authenticity, and Performing Yourself

• Being a Nontraditional Drag Queen (41:52–43:13)

  • Reflection on how Trixie and Katya’s brand is perceived within drag and entertainment:
    “So many people have said to me, ‘You can just go online and just like, fart, and people love it…’ Sometimes you try your best and people don’t love it. So what is it?” (42:09, Mary)
  • On the idea of “industry plants” versus organic growth:
    “Nobody thinks we’re a plant. We grew up in the trash outside the lab.” (41:53, Bob)

• On Acting “as Yourself” (58:13–59:00)

  • Trixie reflects on casting advice: sometimes people just want your personality, not a character or archetype.
  • “Sometimes you play yourself and that’s okay. And guess what? Nobody else can do it.” (58:58, Bob)

6. Porn & Sexual Boundaries

• Healthy Boundaries & Porn (49:13–56:41)
  • Katya candidly discusses stepping back from porn and OnlyFans as part of managing her well-being:
    “I don’t want to get desensitized and I want to reset my nervous system in terms of what is titillating.” (49:52)
  • Extended, hilariously graphic segment about using porn audio as a limit (“It’s a squelching, it’s a sputtering, and it’s a very, very...sex sound, you know?” 54:54—skipping visual stimulation to avoid overstimulation).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Banter

• On LA’s wild streak:
  “It’s big guys who are shaved, hairless, sliding on slick. No, it’s a parking lot.” (01:20, Mary)

• On drag/brag:
  “You can just go online and just like, fart, and people love it.” (42:09, Mary)

• On queer language policing:
  “Not everyone feels the same way about that word.” (11:47, Mary)

• On bird intelligence:
  “Some species learn the meaning and the syntax. These birds learn thousands of words and apply them in strings, like sentences. Amazing.” (29:14, Mary)

• On medical relationships:
  “Why would I be in the doctor’s office if I’m not in pain?” (63:24, Mary)

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Fun & Off-the-Wall Segments

• Bird Apps & Wrestling:

  • Katya’s obsession with bird identification via mobile app (30:36) and a listener story about a bird enthralled by wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage (32:44).

• Animal Appearance at the Bar:

  • A pitbull with a “Hannibal Lecter mask” enters a gay bar, becomes the surprise star of the night (24:21).

• Theme Park & Roller Coaster FOMO:

  • Trixie and Katya plan and banter about going to theme parks (65:21–66:49).

• Crowning the Absurd:

  • Satirical jabs about drag queens’ “makeup dresses” and unintentional onstage reveals (43:06–43:48).

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Vaseline Alley/Trivia Night: 00:40–04:38
• Bar Prizes and Friendships: 05:56–08:46
• Queer Language, Labels, “Dyke” Conversation: 10:22–15:14
• Workplace Microaggressions & Slurs: 13:19–14:22
• Birds & Animal Intelligence: 26:11–32:41
• Porn, Sexual Boundaries, & Audio Kinks: 49:13–56:41
• Healthcare, Diagnosis & Distrust: 60:01–64:11
• Roller Coasters, Theme Park Banter: 65:21–66:49

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Conclusion

This episode is a whirlwind of heartfelt disclosures, inside jokes, drag industry gossip, and social commentary wrapped into a signature Trixie-and-Katya stream-of-consciousness delivery. They challenge norms about language and self-description, poke fun at their industry, and constantly remind the listener to own their quirks—even the most taboo and niche.

Transcript

[Mary]

My neuroimmunologist that I see, that's very expensive.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Mary]

Specializes in my arthritis. I said, well, my rheumatologist has me on this medicine because she read that it helps with inflammation and, you know, it's kind of new, but I guess they're just discovering it. He goes, yeah, she read my book. I'm the one who discovered it. Fierce. I was like, I don't mean to seem dumb.

[Bob]

Oh, that was my book.

[Mary]

But I was like, my rheumatologist, she's very well read. He was like, yeah, she read my book, wrote that, studied that. I discovered that Blue. Blue. I was like, okay, guys, I'm talking to the right person. Okay? I tell you one thing that happened.

[Bob]

Please, please, tell me. Tell me.

[Mary]

L. Last week we said we had a cliffhanger about Malin A.

[Bob]

We did, and we do.

[Mary]

And we do. But I'm going to get to that. One second. So a couple weeks ago, I went to pick up my boyfriend and one of my friends because they were having a little. A little Monday happy hour. And I said, well, I'll come get your.

[Bob]

Yeah, come slob my feet.

[Mary]

Right?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

So I go pick them up in the car. I drive. Big deal. And then I was like, you know what? I'm feeling wild. Guess where I parked my car.

[Bob]

In the middle of the road.

[Mary]

Vaseline Alley. Vaseline.

[Bob]

Well, tell people what that is because not in non California and la, people have no idea.

[Mary]

Okay, well, it's the alley behind the big Vaseline production company. No, no, it's in West Hollywood.

[Bob]

There's no cars. It's just a roller skate.

[Mary]

It's big guys who are shaved, hairless, sliding on slick. No, it's a parking lot. Parking lot, alley. Parking lot area.

[Bob]

It's a block. It's. It's a block.

[Mary]

It's part of a neighborhood behind Santa Monica Boulevard.

[Bob]

Where our friends used to live.

[Mary]

Yes. So I parked my car back there because it's nighttime and there's no parking. So I go, great. And I forgot about Vaseline Alley. So I like. I get out of that car like nyc. Just got in this morning thinking the world is beautiful and bright. And I look over and there's a guy with the car like this. And there's a guy, they do this thing where if you're the jacker offer, the other guy stands about this far away and is the lookout, but is also watching the jerking off. So it's kind of like this hall Proctor. Yes. And it's very like in the. The.

[Bob]

The.

[Mary]

The newborn Area where they have the glass with all the moms looking.

[Bob]

The icu.

[Mary]

Yes. Where the parents in movies, if there's a sick baby are like. And so you have, like, Joe Schmo, the closeted guy in, like, sunglasses watching the baby Jer the freak off.

[Bob]

He's.

[Mary]

He's.

[Bob]

He's. He's peeping, but he's also protecting.

[Mary]

Yes, yes. So I grab and I see that going on, and I go, you know what? Festivals are coming up. Let me bring my DJ computer into the bar. Last thing I need is for my entire DJ computer to get snatched up. Like, oh, yes. Because, you know, people are looking. People may be on. Applying drugs to these sexual scenarios. Having impaired judgment.

[Bob]

What?

[Mary]

You know, drugs. And we're combining.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Which is the corner of Kill street and Murder.

[Bob]

It's true.

[Mary]

West Hollywood. Okay. So I go in. I. They're like, half in the bag. And I go, okay, Monday. Okay. Work on a Monday. You know what?

[Guest 1]

Caution the way.

[Mary]

Good for you. Right? So I sit down for trivia, and I haven't been in trivia in so long. I think my third date with David Silver, we went to trivia, and the first category was that a first third date where you barely know each other and you're like, I hope I know stuff. I'm so dumb.

[Bob]

Right? Stupid.

[Mary]

So that way you're setting it up so that if you know anything, you feel smart rather than be like, I'm about to tear this shit up. Don't forget you went to State School for Fine Arts. You're an idiot.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

You know, so I. The first category was name one winner from each season of Drag Race. And I said, watch this. Bam. The second one was Hollywood Movie directors of the 19th century. David Silver's like, 20th century. David was like, bam. Then knew nothing else. So I got all confident and horny and then lost.

[Bob]

And then they fucking tore you down.

[Mary]

Yes. So this time I sat down and tell me why today of all days, I forgot it's Barbie's birthday. Oh, I sit down. The trivia is so overwhelmingly about Barbie that you're like, I am going to tell you. I. Nipples wired. Breaked up like, you know why smart people are so fucking insufferable?

[Bob]

Because they know everything. High of their own supply, which is knowledge.

[Mary]

I knew every fucking question.

[Bob]

Of course you did. I was.

[Mary]

I knew every fucking.

[Bob]

I bet you even rephrased the questions that were inappropriately, like, formed.

[Mary]

I was going up to the host. Being like that actually was wrong.

[Bob]

I don't know where you're getting your intel, but it's faulty.

[Mary]

That Barbie actually didn't come. The number three model didn't come till 1961. So you need to do some more research.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Maybe you want to go home and

[Bob]

I'll take your job.

[Mary]

I was almost walking table to table. Look at other people's answers being like,

[Bob]

you think dumb, ugly, stupid, or like, three.

[Mary]

When you're in high school and you do your test and you have a wrong answer, and the teacher's like, I would go take a little more time on number six. Like I was so insufferable.

[Bob]

Damn.

[Mary]

I was Aaron Brockvich.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

I was like, whose number do you need? Animal Daniels, age 11. Wanted to be a synchronized swimmer. Spent every moment she could in the PG and E pool.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Mary]

Zero me by age nine. Zero.

[Bob]

The number of times I've had sex.

[Mary]

Right. You want your diseases. That's all you got, lady. To wrong feet, ugly. So I get first place at the trivia. And of course, my friends don't want anything. They're half drunk. I champion the whole thing.

[Bob]

You just chugging water from Hinckley.

[Mary]

Yes. So on that I'm having too much Pinot Grigio. And they're like, well, now we're going out because we're celebrating.

[Bob]

Now we're. Now we're going out. It's 11 now we're warning now a warning.

[Mary]

So we go down. We go down to Smitty's, which used to be gym bar. The old gym bar in West Hollywood is now company called Smitty's.

[Bob]

I don't love that shitties.

[Mary]

No one's in there but us. And we're celebrating our trivia win. We won, like, a $50 bar tab that you have to use the next time you come.

[Bob]

Wait, you get a 50?

[Mary]

Oh, you can't even use that day.

[Bob]

I thought you meant, like, they charge you $50 the next time you come. Yeah, like $50 is already on your tab.

[Mary]

Yeah, you owe us 50 bucks. Yeah. We got you a hand job in Vaseline Alley. So why don't you go open up the back of your car?

[Bob]

Well, wait, wait. So congratulations, by the way, on the trip.

[Mary]

Thank you. Huge of truth.

[Bob]

Huge of truth. Now let me know a little bit about Vaseline Alley.

[Mary]

Cause I am like, I know. Ask Nick.

[Bob]

Were you just there or not? Are you a liar?

[Mary]

I parked the car. Okay. Do you know where we parked the car? I'm over at Aquaphor Alley because I have a sponsorship.

[Bob]

Oh, my God. I mean, I'm an Abilene. Alley. Because I need to take my makeup off.

[Mary]

What about when? What about they sell that Abilene at the sex stores because people use as lube?

[Bob]

Honey, who do you think you're talking to, Ms. Jerk Off? 1998 through to 2016. Undefeated first. Not first runner up. No. I swept every category.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. What about Valerie when she goes, did you see my sponsored post with Nivea? And he goes, oh, did. Was that sponsored? She goes, no, but I'm letting them know I'm open to sponsorships.

[Bob]

It's so.

[Mary]

It's just kind of real. Like, the only reason I get all these sponsored videos on is you're begging online. Begging online is because I be talking about makeup products. Not begging, but, like, you're dropping hints. I'd be talking about products I like.

[Bob]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

So if a product I like House Labs being like, we know you love our products. Do you want to talk about it? I'm like, absolutely.

[Bob]

Because your assistant is writing 25 emails a day begging them to give you a sponsorship.

[Mary]

Like, Brandon can write an email.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

Are you kidding?

[Bob]

He's on his typewriter.

[Mary]

He's sending my assistant. Goody Proctor.

[Bob]

Listen, Brandon, Calligraphy actually gets. That's the. That's the touch that stitches the deal, clinches the deal.

[Mary]

He won't even download the Gmail app. He uses it in Safari.

[Bob]

Love that.

[Mary]

He's in charge of my whole business.

[Bob]

Love that. Safari.

[Mary]

Safari. Who is she? Who is she?

[Bob]

Open her in Chrome, please. I don't know what that's all about.

[Mary]

So what happened at the Emmys? We're backstage, okay. The wig. I go, oh, my God. You don't know me, but I know, like, I really feel like Fern Mayo. I'm like, liz purse. The caps. Meow. I'm crazy.

[Bob]

I know you.

[Mary]

I go, you're in three of my favorite pieces of media.

[Bob]

You're in Watchmen and Watchmen.

[Mary]

You're in Watchmen.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And Hunting Wise.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Mary]

And she said, oh, yeah, I'd love to come back. Because she said, when people tell me they love the Comeback, I automatically know they're cool. And I said, I feel. And I said, I'm on the new season of the Comeback. And she goes, oh, my God. She was like, I know it's starting up again. It was so early. She was like, I know it's starting up again. I.

[Bob]

Like, they didn't ask me. No.

[Mary]

I don't know if I. I don't know if she's in the trailer. So I don't Know if I can confirm that she's in it.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Mary]

She's in the trailer.

[Bob]

She said.

[Mary]

She said, I know maybe as much as you do. She said, I don't even start yet until, like, next week.

[Guest 2]

Oh, wow.

[Mary]

So it was. I had just filmed like, the day before.

[Bob]

So you guys have really bonded.

[Mary]

No, we didn't really bond, but I just love her and she's so beautiful. She was there with Britney Snow presenting for Hunting Wives in the wig category. No, they weren't. No Kelly Mantle on. I. Kelly Mantle presented for wigs, which I found hysterical at the Academy Awards. At the. At the end.

[Bob]

Oh, at the Emmys.

[Mary]

She presented. She presented.

[Bob]

Oh, the. The dingbat ones. The ones that didn't even air.

[Mary]

She presented the award for sci fi fantasy hair design.

[Bob]

Wow, that's fierce. Because she was on.

[Mary]

She could do sci fi fantasy face.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, that. I mean, come on, let's. Not a golden eye or whatever the. Before you get completely assassinated.

[Mary]

Oh, that wasn't golden eye.

[Bob]

That was hot rod or bird or. Or what's it called? Eagle. Eagle heart.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. Did you see? I was watching Joel Kim Booster talk about how they're considering Jacob Alordi for the new.

[Bob]

The new What?

[Mary]

The new 007. And he was like, you can't be six six and be covert.

[Bob]

Thank tea.

[Mary]

Very true.

[Bob]

Tea. They need Ginger Min.

[Guest 1]

No.

[Bob]

Ginger Min. Super, super small. Never tells the truth. You can't catch her. You can't catch her.

[Mary]

She's elusive, covered in.

[Bob]

Thank you. Every time I travel on G, she

[Mary]

slips out of my hands.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

I hate it.

[Bob]

Yeah. You cannot catch her. She lost all the weight, too. She's. She's sleeping you in the dust. She's always wet, wet, small, and lion.

[Mary]

It's like I can't even have a conversation with feeding anymore. Fina just walks in and flexes her arms and leaves. She doesn't even talk to me.

[Bob]

That's what she did the other day.

[Mary]

She didn't talk to me.

[Bob]

No. She's like, get out of here. Just feel my bicep and get. And punch it.

[Mary]

She looks great.

[Bob]

She looks great.

[Mary]

Looks great. Fina is. I don't want to shout her out. I want to tell her story. Well, then why are you doing it? Her commitment to personal betterment.

[Bob]

Develop transformation.

[Mary]

She. She do therapy. She go to the gym every day. She has a tight bedtime. She gets up early.

[Bob]

She does that thing where she wraps her body in cellophane, like in Fried Green Tomatoes to please her husband.

[Mary]

Yeah. She just. She's awesome. Yeah, Bina's awesome.

[Bob]

She's great. She's what?

[Mary]

Ride.

[Bob]

Which I believe she is what you call the definition for me of a ride or die.

[Mary]

I tell it. I tell everybody you're my ride and die.

[Bob]

I'm your bride or dyke bride or die. If I don't get married to you, I'm going to turn into a lesbian.

[Mary]

Somebody recently told me, they said, how come you guys don't say dyke anymore? I said, we can't. So to those of you who liked it, well. Said that it's not that we can't anymore, but, but, but if we say lesbian just in your mind,

[Bob]

listen, I am not. I'm not a woman of, of sapphic experience.

[Mary]

Not a monolith. Not everyone feels the same way about that word.

[Bob]

Oh, exactly. Same thing with a lot of different words like beautiful, gorgeous, lovely. But we've got a person who I believe identifies as a dyke. Enough. It's not that. It's not like I have black friends, you know, whatever I am.

[Mary]

Because you don't.

[Bob]

No, I don't.

[Mary]

But I have enemies.

[Bob]

Thank you. The NAACP always out to get me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bob and I have sex every week. But like you. Naa. Do n. A, a, A, that's fierce. Okay. No, the. What was the point of that story?

[Mary]

Oh, we were talking about. No, people aren't a monolith. Some people. Yes, some people have approached me.

[Bob]

Right, right, right.

[Mary]

It was at the airport and somebody said, how could you guys never shout out that. Say I shout out the dykes anymore. Say dykes only. And I said, well, we got really,

[Bob]

we got a lot of made aware

[Mary]

that not everybody feels the same way about that word. So. I haven't said that in a long time.

[Bob]

Well, I was shocked. So. And I know. Have we talked about our. Have we. Did we touch on the, the Jillian Michaels thing or the. Or the, the.

[Mary]

We touched on it last episode a little bit.

[Bob]

Can I just touch on this very quickly?

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

Okay. So I was shocked as a viewer when she was. So the, the, the change or the, the evolution of like what is considered to be an offensive or slur, that's always changing. Right. And it depends on which group you're talking to. Like certain things. Other people were completely uncomfortable with the O word, which was obese.

[Mary]

Right.

[Bob]

Or overweight, because they were like, well, what weight? And Jillian Michaels was shocked and appalled to hear that they preferred fat or fat bodied.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Which that was news to me too, because I'm not.

[Mary]

Again, that's not everyone.

[Bob]

Of course.

[Mary]

Of course.

[Bob]

Because I've had. Again, it's going to sound like I have black friends, but, like, I have had many fat friends who called themselves. If they were to describe their body shape, they'd be like, I'm fat.

[Mary]

Right?

[Bob]

Like, excuse me, I'm fat.

[Mary]

Yes, I have. I'm thinking of the same friend.

[Bob]

I mean, I had someone who told

[Mary]

me, like, yeah, just because she's like, I prefer fat.

[Bob]

Yeah. It's like, I. I don't want to. I've had, let's see, like, 1, 2, 3, 5 very, very close friends from high school up into college who are so funny. I mean, these are, like, cherished best friends. Kind of like, see them every day, talk them every day. And they. Smart people who are like, they don't want a euphemism. They don't.

[Mary]

They want. They don't want it.

[Bob]

They don't want to be tiptoed around. It's like, I'm fat, so you can call me whatever, and I know. No, but not everybody feels that way. And of course they're not going to.

[Mary]

When I was doing Trixie Motel because I was an executive producer, I had to take from the network extra training modules because technically you're in charge on set. Crazy that I was in charge of anything. That is. But we had to take extra training models. One of the things I learned. This is going to blow your mind. Let's say I'm gay. I am gay. And let's say we're on set together and I say, oh, I love this fag. If a, let's say a heterosexual man is working behind the camera, he could file harassment because we, even though we are gay, we can't speak for how everyone in the room feels about that word. Wow. In a professional setting. I had never thought about that.

[Bob]

I haven't either, and I continue to won't.

[Mary]

I've never thought about that. I had a similar experience when I was on a Pride shoot once.

[Bob]

That's great.

[Guest 1]

That's interesting.

[Mary]

And the. The sound guy was trans. And I mean, I didn't know sound guy was trans. And I just so used to enjoy calling everyone girl.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Mary]

And he was like, hey, I don't prefer girl.

[Bob]

Like, yeah.

[Mary]

And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so used to it. And then later in the day, I actually said girl again. And I apologized. I just was so used to. I mean, I call my straight band members girl.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

So I just, you know, he hit You I consider myself end stage woke. And it's very possible to call someone the wrong thing.

[Bob]

You are nothing. You are nothing of the sort. You are so I with Gatorade every day. I'm not woke cuz I never go to sleep. I think you should go on the road with that.

[Mary]

Tracy, what do you feel most comfortable with?

[Guest 3]

Fat dyke.

[Bob]

Are you sure? Overweight lesbian is a. Is a slur. That for her would be obese lesbian. How very dare you.

[Guest 3]

Can I just share? When we were on the road in Kansas City, me and Miss thing over here were getting coffee and there was a break in the conversation. Everyone's looking at their phones and then she turns to me and goes, oh, do you know? Oh no, you're a dyke. Never mind. And then walks away me

[Mary]

that a lesbian wouldn't know. I don't know.

[Bob]

Hassan Piker. Yeah.

[Mary]

Who's that?

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

Probably a lot closer, right?

[Bob]

He's a very. He's a very. Well, he's a twitch streamer. Very active on Twitch. He's Mary. I. I don't want to thirst over him. Be the 4000th obnoxious person thirst over him online.

[Mary]

But yeah, I think thirst is different than. Listen, it's a blessing to have five senses, including sight. It's a blessing to be able to notice something beautiful and say that's just beautiful. Yeah.

[Bob]

I just don't want to add to the annoying din of people online like thirsting over him. I don't know. I just want to be unique.

[Mary]

I understand. Yeah.

[Bob]

But I would suck the shit out of his asshole. Let's take a break.

[Mary]

Today's episode of Ball and the Beautiful is brought to you by Hims. H I M S Hims. If something's been off in the bedroom, you're not the only one. You guys, A few years ago, I was going through a very transitional period and I was experiencing for the very first time in my life a form of ed. I couldn't believe it. It had never happened to me. I was 33. I was like, oh my God, this is. I have no personal experience and I'm too scared to talk about it. And so instead of blaming stress and sleep or getting older, if the bedroom performance for you is in question, it's probably crossed your mind to do something about it. And the good news is you do not have to jump through hoops to fix it. I got my help for this completely online and it really eliminated a lot of little mini steps that would have just stressed me out more. Himss connects you with licensed healthcare providers online, giving you access to legitimate ED treatment options from home. No awkward appointments, no pharmacy lines. That includes Sildenafil, also known as generic for Viagra and available through HIMS at 95% less than the brand name version. If that option's not right for you, there's many options available so you can explore different options. It's straightforward, transparent and designed to make getting care feel easy. To get simple online access to personalized, affordable care for ed, hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hims.com bald that's hims.com bald for your free online visit himss.com bald Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatris Specialty llc. HIMS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Viatris. Today's episode of Ball and Beautiful is brought to you by Ritual. Okay, so I'm going to tell you guys I am on a lot of different medications for a lot of different autoimmune systems. I'm going to tell you when you're adding a bunch of medicines, when you're switching medicines, when you're introducing new medicines, even when you're trying new vitamins or supplements, you really want to think about your body and your gut health because everything is in there, especially for autoimmune disease. You guys, the more I learn about it, the more I'm like, wow, it really all starts there. I take probiotics because I want to make sure that my kind of gut microbiome and everything is moving smooth and sailing. Symbiotic plus is a complete biotic formula, a 3 in 1 with clinically studied pre, pro and postbiotics in a clinically studied dose that supports a balanced gut microbiome. One daily mint scented capsule for bloat gut and regularity support. I'm going to tell you guys I've taken supplements that smell weird or taste weird and it makes it really hard. This one's just minty, vegan friendly and formulated without GMOs, major allergens, animal products or shady fillers and artificial colors. Also, obviously huge bonus. I hate going to stores. Get it delivered. Love it. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Save 25% off your first month at ritual.com bald that's ritual.com bald for 25 off your first month. We've never talked about not saying dyke and I think I liked how we just talked about it, which is like, yeah, if any of You's ever wondered because people have asked.

[Bob]

Yeah, I mean, you know, it's, it's, it's interesting when you say like that. I, I now I, like, I'm thinking back to like, my on or in between, whatever. I, yeah, I've said so many inappropriate things that I shouldn't have said, and I haven't been taken to jail or.

[Mary]

But I also know that I'm not sensitive enough because somebody who's.

[Bob]

You are not.

[Mary]

You're completely insensible. Somebody who's even vaguely queer, they come up to me and say, I love you, fag. I'm like, I'm fine with that. It's fine, you know?

[Bob]

I know. I mean, I, I'll never forget Andrew and I walking around 8000 Sunset and in this guy in a pickup truck screaming outside to us. And we just literally like, huh? We're like. And what kind? Like, fierce or like, what? You know, it's like, it's like you think you're sling us.

[Mary]

AOC was like, I just love you faggots. I would be like, I know you do, bitch.

[Bob]

If Bernie did that, I'd be like, fierce.

[Mary]

Bernie, Bernie. Bernie in the mittens being like, faggots, Faggots.

[Bob]

You're great faggots.

[Mary]

Love that.

[Bob]

Or even rfk. I love your faggots. I used to do a lot of meth with the faggots. I was made of an ice queen. I was a bit of an ice queen.

[Mary]

RF can of pride float, saying, I was a bit of an ice queen for a while.

[Bob]

Ice queen on Vaseline Alley. God damn it.

[Mary]

Pam Bondi. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So, you know, we're in. We're filming on a Friday, and normally it's a hustle and bustle in here. There's no one in here. There's nobody in here. It's kind of nice. Okay. Something crazy happened last night. I got home and I was feeling really good. And normally if I get home from filming and it's about sunset, I want to go for a walk just to, like, end the day with a nice walk.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Mary]

Because I'm in this weird place with my arthritis.

[Guest 2]

Like, what the fuck did you talk about?

[Mary]

No, yeah, I'm in this weird place with my arthritis where a little bit of activity helps too much, inflames it.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

So a little bit of movement often is really good. So I've been a lot more into low impact, which sucks because I've basically had to give up on running. I can't run.

[Bob]

But guess what?

[Guest 1]

Now you can enjoy a stroll now.

[Mary]

I'm into stretching, restorative stretching and strolling.

[Bob]

Stretching, strolling and streaming.

[Mary]

Yes. And I love my little bands, my rubber bands, all that. I can't afford those. I just have a scrunchie.

[Bob]

Do you do the. Do you do the rubber band guns and shooting by people?

[Mary]

Oh, yeah, for sure. I take an out. Basically. I was like, let's go for a walk. Which for me means, I guess let's walk towards these Hollywood and stop at High Tops. I don't.

[Bob]

And just have 14 margaritas.

[Mary]

Not even my arthritis. I'm so sick lately with my arthritis medicine. I had two, I had two tequila sodas and some nachos. Went home, threw up. Love it. Well, I'm trying to pivot to just drinking smoothies of calories because I'm like, if I'm not hungry, I gotta eat. Yeah, it's not good to not eat.

[Bob]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Mary]

And if you can't rely on your body to tell you when you're hungry, you gotta like, you gotta basically like your medicine. You gotta be like, we gotta eat.

[Bob]

It's so.

[Mary]

Yeah, it's horrible. Oh, I should get into that a little bit.

[Bob]

No, I'm telling you, after. It's a godsend. Only like after a show. Like, you'd know this 3 o' clock in the morning or whatever. Like after those club gigs, there's nothing open. You're fucking starving and you don't want to eat trash.

[Mary]

Well, you can't.

[Bob]

There's nothing open.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Bob]

You know what I mean? Or like you've gotten food and it's ice cold and you're like, I don't want to eat. You know, two soylents, 800 calories, go right to bed. Yeah, great for the body.

[Mary]

Great for the body. Great for Soylent. Green people.

[Bob]

Hot creamy meal, straight to bed.

[Mary]

Yeah. So I go to, I stop in a High tops and I go, oh, I hope it's not busy because I love the gay bars, but I hate when there's people in there.

[Bob]

Yeah, you should try going to like, like to Africa.

[Mary]

Sound like you were going to say go to Africa.

[Bob]

I was gonna say Afro Caribbean nights at like, like, you know, a honky

[Guest 1]

tonk bar or something would love that.

[Mary]

So little vinyl bar, something no one likes. Oh, which a place that plays vinyl, something no one likes.

[Bob]

There you go.

[Mary]

I, you should have Griffith Park. Oh. So I walk in and I was like, God, there's so many people here. What the is going on here?

[Guest 1]

Right?

[Mary]

Even the security Guard, which never happens to me on High Tops. Looks at me and goes, you're good. Didn't look at my id, which is like, you oldie. I was like, okay, got it. Because normally every bar, they just card you.

[Bob]

Oh, I see what you mean. You look so old. There's no possible way you could be anything under than 50.

[Mary]

We can get you a booth, Grandpa.

[Bob]

Yeah. So I walk in osteoarthritis.

[Mary]

The fuck is going on in here?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And what is.

[Guest 2]

What's going on in there?

[Mary]

Something called March Madness.

[Bob]

Mary, you don't know what fucking March Madness is?

[Mary]

I've heard of it, okay? But I just want to say it's people watching college basketball. With any people experiencing madness surrounding college basketball, I think of it like the people with the reborn dolls. I'm like, it doesn't hurt anybody, but it's weird.

[Bob]

No, no, no. I'm going to disagree with you very. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm not going to. It's not. I'm going to. Just. And I know it's.

[Mary]

I know High Tops is a sports bar. Yeah, but it's still a gay bar. Get the fag off the tv. I'm not. You know what I mean?

[Bob]

Get the sports on the tv.

[Mary]

I'm not watching.

[Bob]

No.

[Mary]

Can we put on some Martina? Can we put on some Venus and Serena? Like, there's sports that. Can we put on some Johnny.

[Bob]

Weird Johnny Tree. No, I mean, you got to realize that sports are. We're the outliers here. Do you know what I mean? Like, most people love sports, and many, many gay folks love sports. Lesbians, dykes, they tend to love.

[Guest 3]

Hello.

[Mary]

There was a lesbian turnout. This girl came in. Why didn't all their gender expression. This. This. This person came in. Yeah, Very flagging.

[Bob]

Flagging.

[Mary]

Flagging Sapphic.

[Bob]

Okay. Gotcha.

[Mary]

Flagging Sapphic. Really flagging strap on, like that level.

[Bob]

Okay. She's a huge packer in.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

Huge packer with. With a strap on over it.

[Mary]

The March Madness is playing. They walk in with a huge fucking pit bull on a leash with a. With a. With a, like, Hannibal Lecter mask on the pit in the.

[Bob]

Oh, thank God.

[Mary]

In the bar, I think bar. And the fags gather round, lay on the ground in the gay bar and start petting the dog. I was like, this is the gayness I came for, not the sports. Get it off the TV now. I came for the giant dogs and the gay people laying on the ground, rubbing the belly. That's why I'm here.

[Bob]

You're Miss Cat Cafe, that's what you are.

[Mary]

Yes. And I know I don't see many pit bulls. I. I don't know any people with big dogs. And it was giant, massive and very cute.

[Bob]

Scary, scary, terrifying. The terrifier.

[Mary]

I try not to be.

[Bob]

I don't know, I try to be

[Mary]

open minded to the idea that the stigma around pit bulls could be based on unfair.

[Bob]

Oh, oh.

[Mary]

So I try to be open to like.

[Bob]

Well, yeah, I mean you never know. But I try not to be like,

[Mary]

oh, pitbull, aren't those dangerous? Based on what? Colloquialism? I don't know. I haven't done the research.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Mary]

I'm not walking to the bar being like, that's a crazy dog.

[Bob]

No, but I mean I've just experienced. Well, yeah, sometimes they get Hannibal Lecter

[Mary]

mask on the dog kind of made it scary.

[Bob]

Yes, because. Well, right, because it's like.

[Mary]

Because I don't think it was for fashion.

[Bob]

No, I think it was because to prevent it from ripping your face, one of these twinks legs, mama. Their face snatched like the chimp gone. Face brother. Was it mom, dad, brother, sister gone.

[Mary]

But what I like about going to bars, gay bars or there might be more women, you get the animals, which are kind of the star of the show.

[Bob]

So you want animals in the bar

[Mary]

in California, these bars that are indoor, outdoor, what's the difference? Oh, I suppose I don't mind the animals in the bar. What about pet dandelion? What about animals like it? It's loud, it's crazy.

[Bob]

I don't know. I mean, I think it's animal dependent. I've known most dogs to be like quite antisocial, but other dogs are very social.

[Mary]

But listen to me run in my

[Bob]

mouth like you're gonna bring a parrot to a club.

[Mary]

Any minute now my hans macaw has hatched. It's going to be picked up in Florida. My bird was hatched, is being carried from Florida in an RV to California where I will be able to visit it for weeks and hand feed it.

[Bob]

Do you have to breastfeed it or whatever? Do you have to do breast pumps?

[Mary]

Yeah, I have my breast. No, I have my breastplate.

[Bob]

Your wind chime and your breastplate.

[Mary]

Yep.

[Bob]

I think you should do that as a YouTube series. Did you ever love me back to life?

[Mary]

I know you never watched. I know you never watched Real Houses of Beverly Hills, but there was an episode where

[Bob]

somebody breastfed a parrot. No, that was the Witch.

[Mary]

It wasn't a parrot either.

[Bob]

It Was a goat.

[Mary]

Yeah. No, it was.

[Bob]

It was a. It was a crow.

[Guest 1]

Same difference.

[Mary]

There's a crow that lands in my fountain in my front yard. Huge and black. It's the size of a fucking collie. They're crazy. It lands in my fountain. They know it drops peanuts in it, gets peanuts from God knows where, drops them in the fountain, lets them soak, and comes back later and eats them wet. And it stares at me the whole time. And I know that I've read that crows are very smart, so I've been leaving seeds on the. The step, being like, love you. Love you. You're cool.

[Bob]

Smart. Because they hold a grudge for life,

[Mary]

but sometimes it shows up with the bones and feathers of another bird, and it, like, eats a hummingbird in my bird T. And I kind of am like, damn, girl, you're gonna sit here where all these other birds. Cause you know, we have a lot of trees in my yard.

[Bob]

You do.

[Mary]

All these other birds are watching while you eat a smaller bird and just stare at them like, what do you

[Guest 1]

think that crow is doing?

[Bob]

She's showing everybody who the boss is. And she's showing you that she knows you, she recognizes you, and that you cross her. It's a wrap.

[Mary]

Well, I was reading this because I've been doing what I feel like is a collegiate course on. I already know too much about parrots, but I've been doing a lot of research on macaw species specifically, so I can learn so much. And it's. Listen, I don't want to be corny. Learning about animals.

[Bob]

Knowledge is not corny.

[Mary]

Learning about animals grows, the economy, hurts nobody.

[Bob]

You know what I mean?

[Mary]

It's lovely. Animals are amazing.

[Bob]

Don't you ever. Don't you ever presume that any kind of knowledge is corny ever again. You bitch.

[Mary]

Right?

[Bob]

You bitch. I'm sorry.

[Mary]

I apologize.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

But I forgot what I was gonna say.

[Bob]

Macaws. Parents.

[Mary]

The crow.

[Bob]

Crow. Facial recognition. Okay. It's like when you steal $5 a day from Target. They. It accrues because they get your face once it goes into, like, over a certain amount, grand larceny. They nab you. That's the crow.

[Mary]

Oh. I follow so many subreddits about birds. Oh, Conyers. All kinds.

[Bob]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mary]

So one. One threat I read was, what's the strangest behavior that your bird exhibits? And, of course, birds are so smart. Many of the species are estimated to be, like, three or four year olds. I read this book called Alex and Me by Irene Peppercorn, who is the woman who found out, she's the one who proved that not only can birds up till her. She's a scientist. People believe birds can only mimic. She is the person who proved that they don't copy us. They also. Some species learn the meaning and the syntax. These birds learn thousands of words and apply them in strings, like sentences. Amazing.

[Guest 2]

Terrifying.

[Mary]

Amazing.

[Bob]

It's crazy, right?

[Mary]

I mean, the dogs do it too.

[Bob]

I love you.

[Mary]

Oh, yeah, whatever, you know, but whatever.

[Bob]

Dogs. Yeah, I, I. So I downloaded a bird out the other day. Okay, because, you know Twitter. Shut up. It's X now.

[Mary]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Bob]

I downloaded X tube and started jerking off. No, the. I. Because. Okay, so I don't. You've never been in my condo, you never will. Because it's horrible.

[Mary]

I hate it.

[Bob]

It sucks. I can't wait to get out of there. Um, and when you. The, the. I know I've talked about this ad nauseam, but when my brother and his wife and my lovely nephew stayed, they were able to. To witness firsthand, soberly, in sound mindedly, the. The noise problem that you open any window and it's like armageddon. It's like T3, Terminator 3. It's like. It's like the end of the world. It's crazy. So we have a mockingbird or what I thought to be a mockingbird. I was like, what is going on with this fucking bird out there? I download the bird app, which is something called. You probably have it. I'm sure it's called Merlin Bird id.

[Guest 1]

Interesting.

[Bob]

So you, you, you. It's like Shazam for birds. And it's Conti.

[Mary]

I just came.

[Bob]

Yeah, I know. Change your panties because I'm about to blow your mind again. Cornell Lab, I think it's.

[Mary]

So you submit a photo and it identifies it or.

[Bob]

No, no, you record it. Record the song and it gives you. It gives you a. So let's see, what did I.

[Mary]

Not now.

[Bob]

I wonder if I can have a history. It was how.

[Mary]

Los Angeles has a lot of cool birds. We have wild parrot species that are invasive.

[Bob]

I. I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it. I don't know.

[Mary]

East Hollywood has those green parrots. Silver Lake, let's go.

[Bob]

So anyways, I don't know what the. Hold on, hold on. I don't think it has. I'm sure it has a history. Whatever. But it was a mockingbird. It was a specific type of mockingbird and it was. They could imitate car alarms, house alarms, like other birds. Obviously. It was like crazy. Because I was like, what the fuck is this noise? I was like, is it a bird or some kind of weird app or something?

[Mary]

Like, it wasn't like tweet, tweet. It was like, yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

It was like the herding.

[Mary]

Right, right.

[Bob]

Brick Terror.

[Mary]

Remember, Remember your old one, Hoot?

[Bob]

Oh, the cartoon of an owl. I was like, that. That is a man up there. That's a man who Hoot too. Good. Hoot, hoot.

[Mary]

So I was reading the weirdest thing people's birds had done. Some of them were weird, but kind of funny. Like, oh, my bird likes to break its pelts in half, put one in the water, eat the crunchy one, and come back later for the wet one. A lot of birds like to use the water to change the texture of the food. Very interesting. Don't we all? Yeah, right? You like to shave straight guys asses before you lick them.

[Bob]

Thank you. And then get robbed.

[Mary]

Right? So one of the craziest ones is I said my. They said, I don't know where my bird got this because none of us watch wrestling. I said, I'm reading, I'm continuing. He said, they said, ready to run? They said, our bird is obsessed. They said, our bird is obsessed. Wait, let me just read it.

[Bob]

Because I read it, read it, read it. It's hunting. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But they recited the full Gettysburg Address. No.

[Mary]

Okay, this is great. What's the weirdest, most baffling thing your bird has done? This one says, somehow my green cheek Conure is obsessed with Macho Man Randy Savage.

[Bob]

That's incredible.

[Mary]

I don't know how it happened. We're not a 90s wrestling household by any means. But at this point, we can ask her if she wants Macho Man Randy Savage. And yes, you have to say the whole thing and she loses her mind until we play clips on YouTube.

[Bob]

That is so fucked up. That is so fierce. That's Macho Man, Rick.

[Mary]

I mean, listen, I remember Macho. I do too. There is some appeal. It's kind of drag.

[Bob]

And it's also a kind of drag, you know, in retrospect. And I think, correct me if I'm wrong, they. I remember when it was wwf, not wwe.

[Mary]

Wasn't there also a wcw? I remember when Sting was yellow and blue. Remember Sting is all black and white, but it used to be like yellow and blue. Is that wrong?

[Bob]

Oh, I don't know that person. I mean, I'm thinking they got.

[Mary]

They got Goldberg.

[Bob]

Oh, see, I don't know, I was

[Mary]

like, I'm way back, Shango.

[Bob]

I was way back, like Hulk Hogan.

[Mary]

Mary. My brother liked wrestling. And we had it mega. Wait a 4 Sega.

[Bob]

So we would watch my. My brother and his friends would nut over the pay per view. Like whatever you call them specials. We have to pay per to view them. And like it was wwf, not wwe. And it was at a time when it wasn't clear that it was entertainment. We thought it was real.

[Mary]

Oh, same when I was a kid, I was like, wow, how are they doing?

[Bob]

How are they doing this? This is crazy. And it was so very soap. Operatic. But now I believe it's a lot gayer. They lean into the gayness. They lean into the homoeroticism big time.

[Mary]

And what I can appreciate about wrestling and what I understand peripherally, people in the comments, you better know. Yeah, there is a. It's a lot like drag where there's strong local following, strong regional following. Yes. And it's a lot like drag where their characters are like mascots, have an accent.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And they hold backstories.

[Bob]

Yes. The rivalries and all that stuff.

[Guest 1]

Guys are.

[Bob]

Mary. You think I've jerked it to the Undertaker.

[Guest 1]

Is it the Undertaker?

[Guest 2]

Who is it?

[Mary]

Tempest? Azure Tempest? Is that what you meant?

[Bob]

No, it's James Mansfield.

[Mary]

I know. Loves wrestling. I know so little about it, but whenever I'm scrolling and I get a wrestler, I always watch it. I think it's cool.

[Bob]

There was a great. There was a family. I think they were. They were Latin. I. I think they maybe Puerto Rican or Mexican. I'm not sure. But Bad Bunny guest starred in one of these episodes of. Of the. The Matches and I just lost it because Bad Bonnie, I would just. I don't know, he's just got that thing. I would just do anything he asked me to.

[Mary]

I saw this gif of him that made me so horny. It's him like this and then he goes and just smiles like that. And I was like, love.

[Bob]

He needs to be in more movies. I feel like his on screen charisma is just off the charts.

[Mary]

And you know that Dick is a hammer. You know, it's the big ears.

[Bob]

It's. It's.

[Mary]

You know that Dick is a hammer.

[Bob]

It could be a peanut and I would still rock my world. A peanut. A thumbtack. A non pareil.

[Mary]

Again, let's take a break.

[Guest 1]

This episode is sponsored by 1-800-FLOWERS this Mother's Day. I'm thinking about my mother, Esmeralda Jingleheim Rizamo, a woman of supernatural patience, iron will, and the emotional stamina of a perimenopausal wildlife documentarian. She raised me without once abandoning me at a Dunkin Donuts, dropping me off at a monastery, or running off to join the circus. If you knew me as a child, all of these options would have not only been understandable, but strongly encouraged by any sane individual. My mother has always had that very specific mom talented, where she can look at you one time and know you're lying, dehydrated or not, wearing freshly laundered underpants. She deserves everything and more. That is why flowers are the number one gift for Mother's Day. But choosing the right ones can feel like botanical roulette. Luckily, for 50 years, 1-800-Flowers has been helping people send beautiful bouquets. Mom will love and express all the gratitude you've been too emotionally stunted to actually say out loud right now. When you order one dozen roses from 1-800-Flowers, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen for free. That's twice the flowers for the mom who gave you absolutely everything, including her youth and vitality. And 1-800-Flowers really knows the details that matter. Every bouquet is picked at peak freshness, carefully packaged and backed by a freshness guarantee. They actually sent a bouquet to me, and when I opened it, I almost gasped. It was lush, vibrant, and so shockingly beautiful, it made my hovel look like I had finally turned my life around. And for my fellow procrastinators, you'll be glad to know that 1-800-Flowers has same day delivery. So even if May 9 sneaks up on you, they can still make May 10 count this Mother's Day. Send her something worthy of the woman who somehow managed to keep you alive. Go to 1-800-FLOWERS and show that poor woman some love. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10, and bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me. Don't wait to claim your double roses offer before they're gone. Visit 1-800-flowers.com bald that's 1-800-flowers.Com bald 1-800-flowers. Com bald April is a dangerous time

[Guest 2]

for me because the second the weather gets even a little flirtatious, I start behaving like a woman of a certain age who has simply had enough. Suddenly, I need a spring trip. A trip where I need soft pants, dark sunglasses, and a destination where I can walk around at golden hour pretending I have secrets. That is the power of April. It thaws the pavement, reawakens my allergies, and fills me with the completely irrational confidence of someone who thinks A weekend away will fix everything. So this spring I'm planning a trip to Savannah, where I found a home on Airbnb that is draped in both moss and charm. I want cobblestone little squares. I want to drift around in the spring sunshine like an aunt who's on an Eat, Pray Love trip that includes grits and barbecue. I want to do some light strolling and maybe buy an impossibly impractical piece of jewelry in a local boutique. And at night, I want to sit down to a dinner that is so good it makes me briefly forget pretty much everything. This is the kind of trip where you need a place that matches the fantasy. That's why I love booking stays on Airbnb, because when I travel, I do not want to be crammed into a hotel room with a view of a parking lot. I want a real place to stay. I want a living room where I can decompress after a long day of wandering around and judging Southern architecture. I want a kitchen for snacks, a table for my frosty beverages, and enough space to dramatically collapse on the floor like Julia Roberts and something to talk about. And if I'm traveling with friends, it's even better, because then we can all stay together instead of scattered down different hallways in a hotel. And of course, once I start planning one trip, my brain immediately escalates. Suddenly I'm looking at Carmel next, then Malta, then Hokkaido Island, a little ocean air, some seafood, and maybe even a long walk where I pretend I'm processing something deep when really I'm just thinking about Russian pop music. Whether it's one quick spring reset or the beginning of a full warm weather spiral, trips just feel more personal when you book through Airbnb.

[Guest 1]

This episode is brought to you by Lisa Mattresses. Behold, mortals, for it is I, Hypnosa, famed goddess of sleep. It is I who glides above every place of rest, whether that be cradle palace or humble house on Main street, usa. Throughout the millennia, I have witnessed every living soul surrender to the night. Over ages uncounted, I've seen kings toss and turn upon miserable horsehair bedding with wild peasants dreamt more sweetly than emperors on a mere patch of dirt. Which is why I beg of you to begin your annual spring reset with one sacred act. Replace your old rotten mattress with the legend Chill from Lisa and Divine Heavens. What a revelation it shall be. I myself slumber on the legend Chill. And it is, dare I say, divine. I had grown so accustomed to waking amongst the clouds with aches, earthly stiffness, and the dull curse of unrest. I had nearly forgotten how truly deep, meaningful sleep is meant to feel. But now my bed has become a temple of restoration where I fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and rise renewed with celestial ease. Lisa crafts beautifully made mattresses for every kind of sleeper. And with premium comfort, full body support, free shipping, easy returns, and 120 night sleep trial, I decree I this unto all creation. Take the Lisa sleep quiz, find your perfect match and claim the rest the gods intended. Go to Lisa.com for the spring sale with 20 off select mattresses. Plus get an extra 50 off with promo code bald. Exclusive for our listeners. That's L E-E-S A.com promo code bald for the spring sale with 20 off select mattresses, plus an extra 50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. That's Lisa.com promo code bald.

[Mary]

Do you think that when people are like, I want tight pussy. The truth is, if you got a big dick, it's all tight.

[Bob]

Well, I think so.

[Mary]

When you're saying you're looking for tight, maybe you need to take up more space.

[Bob]

That's true, but they also need to consider.

[Mary]

Get the silicone injection.

[Bob]

Your dick brick hard like a metal. I got three holes like a pretzel. Mm. Tight as a virgin, boy. Don't get nervous. Tight. I'm here to give you customer service.

[Mary]

Right. Did you write that I saved dick by giving it cpr. Oh, is that train?

[Bob]

Oh, who some feel is an industry plant. I'm very. I'm very. That's a. That's a conspiracy theory.

[Mary]

I'm very online, too.

[Bob]

Very invested in that conspiracy.

[Mary]

Is that a kind of a compliment to be like, it's so flawlessly executed. It must be a team of scientists.

[Bob]

Yeah, actually, that's. That's how I.

[Mary]

Nobody thinks we're a plant.

[Bob]

No, no, no.

[Mary]

We.

[Bob]

We grew up in the trash outside the lab.

[Mary]

They think we're a fake house plant,

[Bob]

a fungus that was in the bio. The biohazard way.

[Mary]

As the other drag race queens say to us regularly, you guys are just doing what you do.

[Bob]

I love how you just go out there and wear whatever, girl. You could just go and do whatever

[Mary]

just like, your thing, and you guys can just do anything. They mean it as a compliment. So many people have said to me, you can just go online and just, like, fart, and people love it. And I go, okay, yeah, sometimes you try your best, and people don't love it. So what is it?

[Bob]

Sometimes I feel like I can telegraph my farts. Like, I Know if they're going to

[Guest 1]

be funky or not.

[Mary]

Not.

[Bob]

See your eyes. Just like Janet Jackson's. That was Tyra Banks. You don't know that clip.

[Mary]

I do.

[Bob]

Yeah. It's truly but diabolical. Ms. Banks really was off the chain.

[Mary]

No. You know what was diabolical? The inspector jacket. The Inspector Gadget jacket. What the is with that jacket? Girl, I've been thinking about a lot.

[Bob]

Oh, in the dock.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Bob]

No. Who did you think about? This car.

[Mary]

And it never came off. What it gave is drag queen reveal number. Like thunder. Yeah.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Lightning.

[Bob]

Yeah. It's like I wonder if she's gonna take it off. Well, I mean, Lavada on the other hand, I wonder if she's gonna put something on. She sure did.

[Mary]

Girl, there's nothing worse than that drag queen choir robe with two stones. Baby, you have my heart. No, baby, what about doing.

[Bob]

What about doing a good 45 second intro with a dirty bathrobe? A dirty makeup dress? Yeah.

[Mary]

Roxy Andrews makeup dress.

[Bob]

It was like I went. I was like not. I wonder if she's gonna take that off. Please take that off right now. Because it's, it's, it's, it's a. It's so. It's not a. It's not a cover up.

[Mary]

Wasn't Bob selling those makeup dresses? I don't know what you call it. It's straps of fabric, but it's like, it's like very baggy legs. It's like a tank top that goes into very baggy legs.

[Bob]

Oh, like a jumper or it's like a gender affirming.

[Guest 3]

Like a caftan.

[Mary]

No, Captain leg holes. It's like pants. And they're very Bob. I don't bob. Right.

[Bob]

Like haram pants.

[Mary]

I'm not sure what you would call it, but I think selling them for a while.

[Bob]

An ugly as hell outfit.

[Mary]

I don't know they. But they look good for getting in drag because you don't want to be naked, but you want something you can get off easy later. Because I hate when you put makeup on. You got to pull a T shirt over the makeup. You ruin the collar.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. I always do makeup shirtless with my robe on my titties out.

[Mary]

Yeah, always do the robe because you. You will. A white shirt with how much brown I put on my jaw. My black chin strap.

[Guest 1]

Thank you.

[Bob]

Please. Also, yeah. Slang and also, I hate. Yeah. White shirt, white shirt, makeup, white refrigerator. Let's go get you a home, girl.

[Mary]

I saw something incredible on the way here. We're currently looking at a new Studio for. To move my dragon to.

[Bob]

I hate you. I hate you so much.

[Mary]

We're looking at the studio over here because there's a lot more space over here in Burbank, in North Hollywood. And I drove by it today. Nick, can you rent. It's a nice facility.

[Bob]

Can you rent me a room in there?

[Mary]

No, we should get them side by side.

[Bob]

Don't fucking edge me, you.

[Mary]

I'm dead serious. It's right over here and it's by the airport. It's by the Planet Fitness. It's by a bunch of shit by the airport.

[Bob]

Oburbank.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Bob]

I was like, oh, yeah. So don't edge me, you faggot.

[Mary]

Are you for real? And so you could like keep your drag there. Go get it. Go to the airport, whatever.

[Bob]

Yeah, no shit.

[Mary]

Okay. Don't yell at me.

[Guest 1]

Sorry.

[Bob]

I'm just getting. I'm getting emotional. I'm getting emotional because I'm hurt.

[Mary]

I went over people. I went over there today and I saw a FedEx truck. FedEx. And there was like a four lane highway over there by the airport. You know, by the airport. There's big open fields and by the Spurbank airport. A lot of like land with nothing. The land, honey, land. This FedEx truck. You want to talk me hitting my own driveway every time I come in the driveway. My boyfriend came on the other day and bought one of those. I was sitting there in drag crossy and he bought one of those markers. That's those Mark Fatback CD for. For markers for removing scuffs off cars.

[Bob]

Oh, damn.

[Mary]

He put on the dining table. He goes, did you want to do it or should I? And I go, I guess I'll do it. You. So this FedEx truck, huge long FedEx truck they pulled out to block like all four lanes and all the cars. They put it in reverse smoothly, quickly, deftly backed into a alley with maybe two feet on each side. I looked in the window to look. It was such a good park job that I had to get a look at that space.

[Bob]

Yeah, rubber.

[Mary]

I was like craning my neck. Calm, calm.

[Bob]

She turned and tapped and turned on.

[Mary]

Do you know me calling the garage door guy and say, hi, it's me again. I hit the door again. Can you.

[Bob]

No, but what does the person look like?

[Mary]

Just a normal guy, attractive, maybe 40, Latino. Big sunglasses. And he just was like palming the wheel perfectly back.

[Bob]

That is so that.

[Mary]

You know, I thought it was me. Lesbian.

[Guest 2]

Yes, of course.

[Bob]

That behavior to me is so sexy. It was amazing.

[Mary]

Yeah, I was almost like but 10 and 2.

[Bob]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Mary]

So I couldn't clap.

[Bob]

That is so sexually attractive to me. So it's such a turn on. Such a. Such a. Such a plus in the. In the. In the pro category.

[Mary]

Parking is. Parallel parking is the only skill in driving that I really lock in on every other part of it. I think I could take a remedial course probably every six weeks.

[Bob]

You should see me do a 16 point turn out of the studio parking lot. It's really. It's really impressive. It's like, oh, did that person not only, like, not have a license? Does that person actively forget and unlearn driving skills every time they get in a car?

[Mary]

You pull out after the 16 point turn, you get hit by Carlos. One of those food.

[Bob]

Thank.

[Mary]

Food delivery.

[Bob]

Yeah. Cassandra comes and bowls me over and then a Waymo.

[Mary]

T Bones you.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Mary]

But yeah, me yelling into the front seat of a Waymo. I think we should exchange information. No one in there.

[Bob]

Me turning. Me like, flirting with the Waymo.

[Mary]

So when you bumped into me, was that like, kind of like. Did I tell you hot coffee? Hot coffee. I did have something.

[Bob]

I wanted to bring your attention right away. I don't watch porno. Wait, I know. We talked about this. Anyway, I don't watch porn and I have. I'm a.

[Mary]

But you listen. It's like, I don't smoke, but I inhale.

[Bob]

Well, that's a funny thing you should say because you literally just read my mind. Dare you to talk about this?

[Mary]

No.

[Bob]

Oh, okay.

[Mary]

What if I'm psychic?

[Bob]

I know you're psychic, but I.

[Mary]

The way you will not even, like, loft the idea that I might be intuitive in some way.

[Bob]

No, I know you're very intuitive. Excuse your mouth. I know you're very intuitive. Intuitive. You have a women's intuition that is. Is. Is very over the. Over the line. Much more than most women. But I. But psychic is a little bit of a stretch. However.

[Mary]

And the count of three, we're gonna say a number from one to ten. It's gonna be 1, 2, 3, blank.

[Bob]

Okay?

[Mary]

And we're gonna. And I'm. I'm gonna lock in and I'm gonna say this number, okay?

[Bob]

1, 2, 3, 7.

[Mary]

Oh, I almost said seven.

[Bob]

That was so close, though. So I was into it. That's the difference between psychic and intuition.

[Mary]

Six, seven, seven, eight.

[Bob]

She ate.

[Mary]

That was like. Tell you what. I was in D.C. and I was walking with my friend, and my friend is like. I say, you know, I'm psychic. I'm always trying to, like, Confirm it. And she was going to show me a house where there was a murder. And I said. I said, show me what block it is, and I'm going to tell you what house it is. And she goes, okay, I know what you're thinking. It was the police tape. I'm like, I think it's this one murder house.

[Bob]

Or is it 11?

[Mary]

Or the guy's acting with the knife. Yeah. But I walk by and I go, it's this one. And she goes, close. It's this one. So I'm like, I got it.

[Bob]

There's only three.

[Mary]

But you didn't.

[Bob]

Like, that's not like three houses on the street.

[Mary]

But I'm thinking because it was next door. I'm like, yeah, but I got it. I got it. Yeah, you got it? Yeah.

[Bob]

I. This is going to be so gross. And I'm just gonna. I. I just want to say it. It's okay.

[Mary]

Ask them.

[Bob]

So I. I think I've already talked about it.

[Guest 1]

I'm so sorry if I have.

[Bob]

You can just stop me because it's gross. I. I don't want to watch because porn, to me is very overstimulating. It's very overstimulating. And, like, I get, like. As a person who has. I know this is a shock. Who has had a history of compulsive sexual activity or behavior around porn. I try to. I get. I want to. I don't want to get desensitized and I don't want to get. I want to reset my nervous system in terms of, like, what is, you know, titillating or whatever with my. Also because for me, just for me, it has ruined sex sometimes where, like, I can't be in the moment. I can't be, like, turned in, tapped in, turned on.

[Mary]

I don't. I'm not conservative or traditional. But you believe when people make claims that take a break from porn yielded a healthier sex life in their marriage or something? I do believe that that could be entirely possible. Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

And it's not. It's not a. It's not a broad stroke against porn as, like, some moral judgment, but, I mean, they should all go to hell. But that's just my opinion.

[Mary]

How come they never ask us to present our host at, like, porn awards?

[Bob]

They do. Yeah, they do.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. We were nominated for a porn award.

[Bob]

And Mary, they have asked us to present at the Gabions what's the Las Vegas Best Double Anal Angels? I don't know what it was.

[Mary]

I think it's funny that we can't get a Golden Globe for a pod.

[Bob]

But we can get, we can donate.

[Mary]

Because when we do pods, Mary, people get so horny.

[Bob]

And also, just take a look at the breasts, how they grow throughout the episode. I can't control that.

[Mary]

Can I tell you guys what happened to me yesterday? I was filming.

[Guest 1]

Wait, wait, I'm not done with my story.

[Mary]

It's. This is part of it.

[Bob]

Okay, got it.

[Mary]

I was filming with Nick. What is it? The International Content Creator Awards, which is a primarily adult film and we are obviously nominated. But I'm filming with Nick yesterday and you call, you call. And I go, I gotta call Katja back. You know, it's probably important because God knows you would never call me. You call, you call and you go. I just want you to know that you could never do anything to ever take my wet. And I go, okay, I gotta go. I'm filming.

[Bob]

That's the kind of, that's the kind of dismissive attitude that I receive from you on a daily basis, which is why I rarely share those moments of vulnerability. And that's okay.

[Mary]

That's okay.

[Bob]

I've learned. I've grown and I've learned from it.

[Mary]

What's the nasty gross story?

[Bob]

Well, okay.

[Mary]

Is it about your body?

[Bob]

No, it's about somebody else's. Okay, so I, I, I deactivated, deleted my only fans account. I'm not my one that I share, the one that I view. Thank you. Because I'm trying to curb my financial situation to take me myself out of dire financial straits. Actively taking steps to save and be better with money. Now, of course, I just did a just for fans account. So I.

[Mary]

So you ever done Rocket Money? I'm not.

[Bob]

No, I haven't. Yeah, I love rocking money.

[Mary]

It's fierce. It is fierce.

[Bob]

It's $10 a month and it gets.

[Mary]

But it will tell you like, what

[Bob]

you're subscribed and also you can. It helped me. Helped me avoid 129.99 Microsoft Office Suite. Like I've ever done a goddamn Word document in my life with my hunt and pecking ass.

[Mary]

I would love to see you open Excel, baby.

[Bob]

Oh, a spreadsheet.

[Mary]

A what?

[Bob]

I can spread my legs. That's about it. Put a dryer sheet in there. And so anyways, the I, I'm tuned in, tapped in, turned on. And there's this guy who famously makes his. This is so. This is really vulgar. Just, I'm just letting you know at home, this is vulgar. If you have children and, or you have parents listening. If you're, you know, eating lunch.

[Mary]

If they have children, they've had sex.

[Bob]

No, no. But maybe not sex like this. So this person is famous for making their ass talk. And what I mean by that, it's not farting necessarily. Okay? It's like, remember when Lush just asked if you ever creamed you ever creamed your ass? It sounds kind of disgusting, but so there. Our producers looking at me like, you should kill yourself.

[Mary]

It's like, she's been looking at you like that for a few years.

[Bob]

Why haven't you done it?

[Mary]

She holds up a sign that says, why haven't you done it? Yeah.

[Guest 3]

I don't say, let's take a break.

[Bob]

I said, do it then. Noose has been coming down.

[Mary]

I love in Waterboy. And Fruza Balk holds up that sign that says, do you want me to kill them? Love that shit.

[Bob]

So this person is sputtering. It's squelching. It's. It's a very, very lurid. Lurid, highly sexual ASMR experience. So I don't watch it. I listen. I put on Ms. Noise Canceler. Okay. And it's. It's. It's. So the sound you don't want to watch, but. Well, I. I do want to watch, but I say, no, no, no.

[Mary]

Can I clarify it'? It's a video that you're using as audio.

[Bob]

Exactly. Because I don't want to become overstimulated. Also because I have not ejaculated in over three. Three months. Catch that?

[Guest 2]

Truth.

[Mary]

Catch that.

[Bob]

And I'm not joking. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Just as you're sitting there incredulous, as am I. Yeah.

[Mary]

White pee. Brandon called ejaculate white pee.

[Bob]

That's so gross. Mine is a.

[Mary]

Okay, it's gonna come out chunky and go like.

[Bob]

Like, like, like, probably like gallstones, kidney stones.

[Mary]

It's gonna go out chunky and like, Thai iced tea.

[Bob]

No, that's my regular P. Clotted.

[Mary]

It's gonna mount. Clotted.

[Bob]

Well, when my eyes. Like, I. I bought a big jug of Fiji water at the studio yesterday because my morning pee was like barbecue sauce. So I was like, maybe I should try hydration. Gave it a shot. It's doing good for me. But back to the nasty, the other nasty. It's a squelching, it's a sputtering, and it's a very, very. It's a very. What's it like? For lack of a better word, nasty in a good way. Like, sex sound, you know?

[Mary]

And how Is the sound being made.

[Bob]

It's made from the dick going in the butt and coming out. And then once it pulls out, because there is so much Lubin coming there, it's like sputtering the, it's like, wow.

[Mary]

So there's actual sex occurring.

[Bob]

Oh, yes. This is very much so very, very penetrative and very, very like, okay, very hard hitting tonight at 11. You know, kind of I think of

[Mary]

like the famous people who love our pod. Like, I think of Amy Poehler at her desk right now listening detail the story.

[Bob]

And how is she going to listen with all those lights in her face?

[Mary]

Oh my God. My, my friend Vanessa, the DJ who I make a lot of music with, she said, oh my God. My friend, I think, told her, I said, I listen to bald and the beautiful in the car when I drive. And her friend said, I watch it while I drive. Her friend said, I put it on my phone and I put it in the cup holder and I watch while I drive.

[Bob]

I said, love you. I hope you red lights too.

[Mary]

I don't recommend that, but I said, work.

[Bob]

That's fierce.

[Mary]

I watch the road while I drive. As do you.

[Bob]

Thank you. No, I don't watch it. I, I, I, I'm a, I survey it. Yeah, I, I, I've got, yeah. Anyways, so I, I tried that and I, I, I thought it was interesting and actually became hypnotized and it became so, it's so lewd and it's so like, I don't mean to, it's not a judgment. I'm just saying it's so like, so sexually almost. It's just too much. It's so much that I become like,

[Guest 1]

okay, I gotta stop. This is a little too much.

[Bob]

Just from the audio. Just from the audio. Now I'm back to just GIFs.

[Mary]

When I was into straight porn for a while, I watched a lot of, of extreme close ups.

[Guest 1]

8k.

[Mary]

Yes. With the extreme like 8 noise and 8k of the dick in the hole. This is exactly what I found that exciting. And I found myself confused by why I liked it because it was just so medical. It's so medical.

[Bob]

Oh, well, I, I don't, what I don't appreciate is any, Is like, you know, Valerie, sing Red. I don't like that. Seeing red. I don't like that.

[Mary]

What do you mean?

[Bob]

Well, you know what I mean. Anal, when you seeing red, I don't like that.

[Mary]

Right.

[Bob]

But that's another story.

[Mary]

I also love it in season two of the Comeback when she's watching her like Acting real. Oh, it's the scene where they're watching a clip from Seeing Red. And Valerie's all insecure about it because the reviewer's like, I think people are gonna see in a whole new light. And she's like, what does that mean? And Mickey's watching it and it's her like, I want you to. It's like. It's like, I want you to think about killing yourself when you put that shit in your arms about, like, talking about, like, drug use. And Mickey goes, after all these years, Red, you can really act. That is one of the best redeeming things of the Comeback is that every time they yell action. Valerie's good.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Like, it would be so hard to root for her if she wasn't great.

[Bob]

But you know how difficult that role must be for an actor for Lisa Kudrow, because there's so many layers to the, the. The performance, you know what I mean? Like, there's like, there's the real person, the person who's like putting on the thing, and then there's the actress and then the. You know what I mean? There's so many, like, different. I don't know if this one that sounds like corny or pretentious, but I find it like a very multi layered.

[Mary]

I find the way she's able to inhabit it and live in it and play with it, but stay anchored to it. Yeah, it's a real gift. I'm not.

[Bob]

She is so talented actor.

[Guest 1]

No, you are.

[Mary]

I only can do what I do.

[Bob]

No, you're inside the actor.

[Guest 2]

You're very upset.

[Bob]

UTA Hagen, very method.

[Mary]

I can't be other people.

[Bob]

Yes, you can.

[Guest 1]

And you do it better than Daniel Dave Lewis.

[Mary]

I was in a community theater. No, I was in a dinner theater production of A Night out with the Rat Pack at the Apple Holler in Sturtevant, Wisconsin. When my sophomore year of college.

[Bob]

Did you play Old Blue Eyes?

[Mary]

I was super famous. Yeah.

[Bob]

Old Blue Eyes.

[Mary]

This woman, her name was Lori Minetti. She used to read the Lottery Balls in Wisconsin on TV in the 90s, where you had to actually pull the ball and some hot bitch would have her perfect manicure and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, here's the ball. Here's the ball. Yeah. She said, brian, people like you and I, people hire us because they want us. They want us to play our personalities.

[Bob]

Oh, I see.

[Mary]

And I remember going home being like, is that bad? And then I just am like all the other years later, I was like, well, sometimes you play yourself and that's okay.

[Bob]

And guess what? Nobody else can do it.

[Mary]

Nobody else can do you, but Lisa Cujo can do anyone. I mean, Valerie's not Lisa.

[Bob]

No, no, but I had a. You know, it's funny, I had not a casting agent, but a casting agent assistant. Tell me. Like, you know, after the hacks thing, they were like, you know, they. They wanted you, but mostly like, like, let's be real, Like, I was like, I'm not an actress. Like, I know you're not an actor. They wanted your legs, they wanted your huge tits that grow a size every hour. That's what they wanted and they got it. So take that down to Fear Ruchi

[Guest 1]

Boulevard and sell it.

[Bob]

Take a break. I'm a Scottish size 12 and the UK 14 and my breasts won't stop growing.

[Mary]

That would suck.

[Bob]

No, I was such a medical person, I was blindsided. I was blindsided by my.

[Mary]

Shocked and betrayed.

[Bob]

I've never felt so shocked and betrayed.

[Mary]

Full body chilled.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

My question is, does she have to get them reduced, like, regularly? Is that what happens?

[Bob]

Well, no, the trouble was that she, like. So her doctor would say, in order to get that operation, we need you to lose weight. But she can't because she'll lose weight and then her breasts will grow. It's a real catch 22 or a catch 38 double D if you want. Wow. And I have never felt so seen. I've never felt so validated because I didn't even know that I had a condition.

[Mary]

You know, I. I hate to get political, but I've been thinking about this a lot. The people who don't believe doctors, the people who are the Maha people, the RFK people. If you really think this shit, when you get sick, don't go to the hospital. You can't play both sides of the street, bitch.

[Bob]

No, no, no. But let me. Let me tell you, I am not defending anti vaxxers or whatever, but one thing we do have to address is that just because you have an MD does not mean you are like, don't trust every doctor.

[Mary]

No one knows everything.

[Bob]

Of course, nobody knows everything. But I was raised. I don't know about you, but I was raised with blind faith in medical doctors.

[Mary]

But doctors, when they take money from, let's say, a, medicine, who's paying them to speak on behalf of this drug? They not only they legally. A, they're under the oath where they have to only do good as a doctor, and B, the hippopotamus, they have to be very open about the money they might receive to endorse A drug.

[Bob]

And they sometimes are not.

[Mary]

But politicians, et cetera, really have. No, they're not. They do not have any. Like I have to be completely transparent about this big pharma paying me that

[Bob]

are lobbying me, taking me golf, whatever. Yeah, right. But, but doctors are courted all the time and then. And paid by a huge. And taken out to lunches and Aspen ski weekends with, you know, pharmaceutical companies. They're up their ass. They're giving them blow jobs, hand jobs, all kinds of jobs.

[Mary]

You know what I've been thinking about a lot when we watched.

[Bob]

I'm not saying, but I'm just saying, like, nobody's perfect in no industry is. That's because that was a bias. I grew up with trust doctors, no matter what. I'm like, there is a, you know, like doctors sometimes suck, have terrible bedside manners. That was the other thing.

[Mary]

But why is one bad doctor experience. All doctors are lying to me. That's.

[Bob]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. But I had the opposite like bias that all doctors are, are infallible. And one of the actual, one of the things I agreed with, with the body positivity folks was like, like I was like, they're the insensitive, the insensitivity of doctors. I was like, that's. No, that's not news to me. And name a doctor who has good bedside manner.

[Mary]

Right. And it's very, you would think, bipartisan. We've all had a doctor say the wrong thing to us.

[Bob]

Mary, I can count on three fingers the amount of doctors I've had who have been not only like, made eye contact with me while they were telling me what's wrong with me or whatever, but like made non judgmental suggestions or even like listened without, without. You know what I mean?

[Mary]

Yes. I mean I.

[Bob]

Or like who didn't send the nurse in to tell me something.

[Mary]

Yes, I have ankyosing spondylitis. That's the disease I have.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

The number of people that take years and years and years and years, decades, sometimes long time to find diagnosis. Because many doctors don't know enough or don't believe or whatever. Go home, you're just making it up. You're sick. What like people having chronic pain and like their body when, when they get diagnosed, they look back and they're like, wow. These symptoms started when I was a teenager and they kept telling me it was nothing. I understand that these people get very. You get so lost when you're like, does Anyone believe me? Like, why would I be in the doctor's office if I'm not in pain? It doesn't feel like something's happening.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

So I understand that, too. I really do.

[Bob]

It's.

[Mary]

It's.

[Bob]

It's. And also. And I think.

[Mary]

And people of color don't often get the same treatment, of course.

[Bob]

And girl, fat people get immediately prejudiced against.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Because a lot of. So many doctors.

[Mary]

Should we go to med school?

[Bob]

I've been. I don't know about you, but I do have a medical. I am a medical doctor. No, that. The. The. The thing is, like, healthcare as a business, there's your problem number one. When healthcare is a business, there's. It's a. It's. It's a market. There are decisions made, you know, with the market in mind. It's just. It's a whole.

[Mary]

One of the other problems is giant pharmaceutical companies. It's like doctors might have to give a certain amount of transparency. Companies who make the drugs don't. They don't have to say, this is how much it costs, and this is how much we're up charging, whatever, like, that's not happening.

[Bob]

And the FDA is in bed with the FBI. The FBI is in bed with the CIA.

[Mary]

The FCC won't let me be. Let me be me.

[Bob]

CIA is in bed with Mia, and she's on tour.

[Mary]

And FKA Twigs won the Grammy for best dance album for Usexua.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

Good for her.

[Bob]

All right, I'm going to see Mother Mary. I'm going to go to the premiere.

[Mary]

What are you talking about?

[Guest 1]

The new.

[Bob]

The new film with Anne Hathaway and Michaela Cole, where it's very witchy. Oh, my God, it looks amazing. You got to watch the trailer. I'm trying to. I told our agents if you don't get me a seat at the premiere of this movie in la, it's curtains.

[Mary]

I'm leaving here and I'm going to Disneyland.

[Bob]

Incredible. Thank you for the invite.

[Mary]

I feel almost insecure. And shame is a landfill emotion. Right. I am a millennial white gay, and I'm going to Disney. It feels a little on the nose, and I'm sorry. Guess what?

[Bob]

Everybody's got most people have a nose. Boop.

[Mary]

I got my girl Caitlin, my tour guide from last time.

[Bob]

Oh, you do the secret pizza gate thing underground.

[Mary]

I'm not gonna feel bad for that. It's. It's just.

[Bob]

Feel bad for about.

[Mary]

You're. You're so.

[Bob]

You're super rich. You're part of the illuminati. It's fine.

[Mary]

We worked all weekend. We're going to Toronto this week.

[Bob]

We need a break. We need to unwind. You have Arthur Spangleitis.

[Mary]

Absolutely.

[Bob]

You know what I mean?

[Mary]

And I'm. I'm really interested in going on a week long trip to Universe to. Really interested. Going to Walt Disney World. I've never gotten a nice Florida. I've not seen Animal Kingdom. I've not seen Epcot, all of that.

[Bob]

Me neither.

[Mary]

So I really want to go.

[Bob]

I want you to go.

[Mary]

And I was just in Dollywood. Yes, and I also want to go to Universal Orlando because they have a lot of stuff that we don't have here.

[Bob]

Will you come to London to do a bald gig so we can see Catherine Tate? No, Mary.

[Mary]

Yeah, of course.

[Bob]

But also, have you heard about our John?

[Mary]

I've never been to Six Flags Magic Mountain.

[Bob]

Well, it's closing, so you better go.

[Mary]

Well, we have a Six Flags Great America outside of Milwaukee.

[Bob]

Who cares about her? We go to Six Flags if they're doing out on the mountain.

[Mary]

I've been feeling very roller coaster horny.

[Bob]

I've never been to out on the mountain.

[Mary]

No, I. You go every year and you don't ask me.

[Bob]

You. That is. That is the most patent. You have never uttered a falsehood so patently untrue in your life.

[Mary]

In our 12 years together, somewhere, a game of telephone between you not saying it and me not hearing it. I never got invited.

[Bob]

It's your Arterio Spanglitis which prevents you from picking up the phone. No, no, no, no. You can't never go.

[Mary]

You can never go because you're busy.

[Bob]

No, you're booked and busy.

[Mary]

Why can't we get booked?

[Bob]

No, you get. Okay.

[Mary]

I think that 6fl could pay us.

[Bob]

They have asked us many times and it's not. Plus, you don't want to. You don't want to perform there. You want to ride the rides because it's.

[Mary]

I want a DJ and then I want to ride rides.

[Bob]

They have asked you to dj.

[Mary]

I'm just going to ask directly to camera Six Flags. Any of your gay parties, please let me DJ during the day or at night and then some rides.

[Bob]

No, it's at night.

[Mary]

My dream is that you and I can be in Dragon Ride, Roll Coaster and have a video of it.

[Bob]

Okay? So that I.

[Mary]

You wanted us to bungee jump and drag.

[Bob]

That's totally different. That's the most extreme scary thing you do in your life. And it happens once. I'm talking about multiple roller coasters. I'm talking about climbing up hills.

[Mary]

I'm very into these videos of people on slingshots. Plus you have passing out.

[Bob]

Oh, I love those. I love those too. But wait, we have a final. Final, Final thought, my ass. And I just forgot what it was.

[Mary]

I'm sorry.

[Bob]

No, no.

[Guest 3]

The Bald and the Beautiful will be in Florida in December. Orlando. We can plan for Disneyland.

[Bob]

Yes, and what a great time to go to Disney World.

[Guest 3]

Disney Theater. We're performing so we can maybe stay an extra day.

[Mary]

Oh my God.

[Bob]

See, you. You give it up to God and God gives it to you.

[Mary]

We're playing Bald and the Beautiful at the Walt Disney Theater in Orlando in December. Yeah, we. I wanna, I, I, I.

[Bob]

You can go. It's okay.

[Guest 1]

You can go.

[Mary]

Start crying. Start crying.

[Bob]

Okay, final thoughts?

[Guest 1]

I don't have any.

[Bob]

Well, thank you so much.

[Mary]

Bye, girl.

[Bob]

Bye, girl. Incest.

[Mary]

Sam.