Bruce Vilanch's New Hyundai Has a Blind Spot with Trixie

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya Episode: Bruce Vilanch's New Hyundai Has a Blind Spot with Trixie Release Date: December 10, 2024

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Introduction of the Guest

In this vibrant episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya, hosts Trixie and Katya welcome the esteemed Bruce Vilanch, a luminary in the world of comedy writing, acting, and singing. Vilanch's illustrious career includes writing for numerous award shows, including the Academy Awards, and serving as a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race. The hosts kick off the conversation with enthusiastic applause, highlighting the excitement of having such a multifaceted guest on the show.

Host (03:05): "You guys, we're in the studio today. Oh my gosh. Obviously we have Bruce Vilanch here. Clap, clap, clap."

Bruce Vilanch (03:07): "Sorry, I'm, I'm very busy looking at the microphone."

Early Career and Child Modeling

The discussion delves into Vilanch's early days, revealing his brief stint as a child model for Lane Bryant. Although his modeling career was short-lived, it set the stage for his later endeavors in entertainment.

Bruce Vilanch (32:01): "I was briefly for Lane Bryant, which was no longer among us. But it was like plus size fashions for the forgotten woman for children. But they decided there were not enough fat women in the country, so they were looking for fat kids."

Vilanch humorously recounts how his weight fluctuations eventually sidelined his modeling aspirations, leaving him without photographs from that era—a fact he views as a blessing in disguise.

Bruce Vilanch (32:19): "It could be. I may have to. And if Lane Bryant is gone, they can't sue you. They can't there. And they'd be dead."

Writing for Television and The Brady Bunch Variety Hour

One of the episode's focal points is Vilanch's work on the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. He provides an insider's perspective on the challenges and eccentricities of writing for such iconic television shows.

Bruce Vilanch (33:15): "I was at the Fake Jan auditions. And it came down to two girls. One was Jerry Reichel, who got the part. And the other was the girl who became Kathy Hilton, mother of Paris."

Vilanch shares anecdotes about casting decisions, including the infamous "Fake Jan" auditions, where Kathy Hilton was nearly cast as the Brady family’s matriarch, Jan Brady.

Host (35:04): "She was the almost fake Jan. She was 3D printing dollies. Suspend disbelief, if you will."

He humorously describes the production challenges, such as incorporating water ballet into the variety show format, resulting in both comedic and chaotic moments on set.

Bruce Vilanch (37:38): "So we had the Croft water ballerinas, and it was hysterical because it was water. It was supposed to be the pool at their house at the beach."

Experiences on Hollywood Squares

Vilanch's tenure as a head writer for Hollywood Squares brings forth a wealth of stories about the show's dynamic environment. He touches upon the intensity of writing for a live, grid-based game show and shares memorable interactions with celebrities like Gilbert Gottfried and Penn and Teller.

Bruce Vilanch (43:03): "People begin to lose it because it's so insane. It's like things you never expected would happen."

He highlights a particularly memorable clip involving a contestant repeatedly being called a "fool" by Gottfried, exemplifying the unpredictable nature of live television.

Drag Performance and RuPaul's Drag Race

A significant portion of the conversation centers around Vilanch's involvement in the drag community, especially his role as a judge and mentor on RuPaul's Drag Race. He discusses the evolution of drag performances from traditional satire to the multifaceted, talent-driven competition seen today.

Bruce Vilanch (48:20): "Even the ones who aren't funny obviously have got people coming in with, you know, advising them when they create this Persona that they're going to use on the show. So it's a whole different ballgame now."

Vilanch reflects on the increased demands placed on contestants, who now must exhibit a range of skills beyond lip-syncing, including comedy, singing, dancing, and craftmanship in costume design.

Host (51:06): "Do you have any memories of doing drag? Drag Race? You've done that three times."

Bruce Vilanch (51:18): "I was Santa Claus once. That's right, in an early one. And then I was a comedy mentor and a judge four or five times."

Broadway and Musical Endeavors

Vilanch recounts his Broadway experiences, notably his role in the national tour and Broadway production of Hairspray. He describes the rigorous demands of touring and performing in a musical setting, balanced humorously with the physical challenges of wearing heavy costumes.

Bruce Vilanch (48:43): "I did Hairspray for two years in New York. On Broadway. Yeah, I did a year, the first national tour and then on Broadway for a year."

He shares insights into the physical toll of performing in drag, including wearing a 35-pound fat suit and high heels, leading to issues requiring a foot brace after years of performances.

Bruce Vilanch (50:02): "I'm convinced I never missed a show. But it's because your body is used to carrying your weight around a certain way. And when you change that, all your joints say, hold on, we're going to realign you now."

Authorship and Memoir

Vilanch introduces his book, "It Seemed Like a Bad Idea at the Time," which chronicles his experiences writing some of television's most infamous shows and movies. He candidly discusses his role in creating content that has become legendary for its lack of quality.

Bruce Vilanch (09:07): "I'm wearing one right now. The Paul Lynde Halloween special. Because I refuse to let. I don't care how early Mariah Carey makes us love Christmas, I am hanging on to Halloween."

Host (09:55): "I have to tell you, I went on your Twitter. Have you been on your Twitter for a while?"

Vilanch humorously speaks about his limited presence on social media, acknowledging the existence of impersonators and fake accounts proliferating online.

Collaborations and Future Projects

The conversation shifts to Vilanch's ongoing and future projects, including a musical written in collaboration with Dolly Parton titled "Here Youe Come Again." The musical explores themes of isolation and self-discovery through a fantastical relationship with an imaginary friend modeled after Parton.

Bruce Vilanch (44:34): "We wrote it together with her husband Gabriel Barry, who is a director who directed it. And we got a grant and we did a Zoom and I had to go to Dolly for the rights and I didn't think she would go for it. But she loves it. She's our partner and we did five regional productions and now we're doing a six-month tour of the UK and we will be going into London after the first of the year."

He elaborates on the creative process and the collaborative nature of the project, expressing enthusiasm for its tour in the UK.

Insights on Award Shows and Entertainment Industry

Vilanch provides a deep dive into the intricacies of writing for various award shows, comparing the chaos of the Grammys to the structured elegance of the Tonys. He emphasizes the unique challenges posed by different genres, such as the highly performative nature of music awards versus the theatrical consistency of theater awards.

Bruce Vilanch (52:58): "I think it's probably the Grammys because it's all musicians. And also, of course, it's become a concert show, and it always was, but it had a host who was more hosty."

He shares his preference for writing awards that are more straightforward and less reliant on the unpredictable nature of live performances seen in music-centric events.

Bruce Vilanch (53:54): "They are. And they are at the top of their game. They're doing these numbers eight times a week that they do all the time."

Personal Reflections and Humor

Throughout the episode, Vilanch infuses his stories with humor and self-deprecation, making light of his experiences and the absurdities of the entertainment world. He reflects on the pressures of maintaining one's image in the public eye and the often surreal nature of fame.

Bruce Vilanch (22:44): "Oh, that's me. Or that could have been fake me. There are a lot of fake mes out there."

Bruce Vilanch (24:21): "This is from George Slaughter, who created Laugh Inlet. Hysterically funny. He said, it's a guy picks up a girl at a bar and they go home and she says, you want to get kinky? And he says, yeah. And she says, hang on, I'll change. And she comes downstairs about five minutes later and he's on his way out the door. She says, where are you going? I thought you wanted to be kinky. He said, yeah, I did. I shit in your hat and fucked your cat. I'm out of here."

These anecdotes not only entertain but also provide a glimpse into Vilanch's quick wit and ability to find humor in any situation.

Closing Remarks and Future Engagements

As the episode wraps up, the hosts express their gratitude for Vilanch's presence and insightful contributions. They discuss the possibility of future collaborations and appearances, emphasizing the lasting impact of Vilanch's work on the entertainment industry.

Host (54:55): "Well, Bruce, I can't thank you enough for coming down here and talking to me."

Bruce Vilanch (55:12): "Because he knows more than I and he publishes all the rumors and all that kind of stuff. And it's not true about me and Zac Efron. I'm sorry. It's just not true. I couldn't. With anybody that muscular who's Jewish. I couldn't."

The episode concludes on a light-hearted note, with hosts and Vilanch sharing final laughs and farewells, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and anticipation for future episodes.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bruce Vilanch (09:07): "I've written a book about how I wrote the worst TV shows of all time and lived. And it's called 'It Seemed like a Bad Idea at the Time.'"

• Host (22:14): "I have to tell you, I went on your Twitter. Have you been on your Twitter for a while?"

• Bruce Vilanch (43:03): "People begin to lose it because it's so insane. It's like things you never expected would happen."

• Bruce Vilanch (53:54): "They are. And they are at the top of their game. They're doing these numbers eight times a week that they do all the time."

• Bruce Vilanch (55:27): "It's not true. They got married first, so it was in wedlock. So it's okay."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya offers an engaging and comprehensive look into Bruce Vilanch's multifaceted career in the entertainment industry. From his early days as a child model to his influential roles in television writing, drag performance, and Broadway, Vilanch shares anecdotes that are both humorous and enlightening. His insights into the evolution of drag culture, the complexities of writing for live award shows, and his personal projects provide listeners with a rich understanding of his impact on comedy and performance art. The dynamic interaction between the hosts and Vilanch ensures that the episode is not only informative but also thoroughly entertaining, making it a must-listen for fans of the podcast and enthusiasts of the entertainment world alike.

Transcript

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[Host]

You guys, we're in the studio today. Oh my gosh. Obviously we have Bruce Volanch here. Clap, clap, clap.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, thank you.

[Host]

That's one pair of hands.

[Bruce Valanch]

Sorry, I'm, I'm very busy looking at the microphone.

[Host]

That's one person clapping, but, you know, that's 100% of the people in the room.

[Bruce Valanch]

But a ferocious clapper.

[Host]

A ferocious clapper.

[Bruce Valanch]

Big time.

[Host]

Today we have with us legendary comedy writer, comedy. Today we have with us legendary comedy writer, actor, singer. He's won Emmys for writing for the Academy Awards and was a judge on Drag Race. It is Bruce Volanch.

[Bruce Valanch]

Hello. Thank you.

[Host]

Hello.

[Bruce Valanch]

My camera.

[Host]

I got. This is you. This is me.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, I know. This is a fabulous profile shot of me, which is amazing. Although I do kind of look like Alfred Hitchcock.

[Host]

What do you know, what do you think about this? You know, everybody hates our new set. We just painted it blue. What do you think?

[Bruce Valanch]

It's not gay enough, you think? No, it's I it. And it's very self referential. So I mean, as I suppose it should be, but why not? And these flowers are even are these. These are. Oh, well, they're plastic, but they're plastic.

[Host]

They are.

[Bruce Valanch]

They're not, you know, it's. It's a gay touch, sort of. Yeah, but it's just lovely. What's not to love? And you got, you know, color coded pink and purple microphones.

[Host]

Isn't that nice?

[Bruce Valanch]

We all look like, you know, I mean, horses when they're happy. Studs at least.

[Host]

Well, you're kind of like, you know, when we have Katya, she's worn wigs like your hair in her career. So it kind of feels like we have her wig today.

[Bruce Valanch]

She's won a Bruce wig.

[Host]

Yes. Do people go as you for Halloween?

[Bruce Valanch]

Do what? I what?

[Host]

Do people go as you for Halloween?

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, yeah, they do, actually, yes. I mean, I have. I wasn't when I was living in West Hollywood and above Tender, tender Queens, a restaurant there. And I would, on Halloween would come and I'd be on my balcony and I would watch the russes go by. There was a period where there was, you know, it was an easy thing for a fat guy to do. Just, you know, just put on a blonde Wig and a T shirt that said something obscene. And it was me.

[Host]

The eyewear also the eyewear.

[Bruce Valanch]

The red glasses. Yeah, yeah. And that's easy to find. That's true. And, you know, I always wore glasses, but when I was on Hollywood Squares, I had different glasses every night. But then the prescription changed and I would have to take a second mortgage to get them all. So it happened that week on the show. We had Sally Jessie Raphael.

[Host]

I was just. We're so psychic.

[Bruce Valanch]

For those of you who are too young to remember a talk show host who did a kind of Oprah sort of show in the daytime. And she had. She was blonde with red glasses. We had the same lawyer, actually. So I said, I have to get all these glasses changed. She said. I said. She said, well, you can have red ones if you want. I said, no, but that's your brand. And she said, I'm retiring. I said, oh, may I? So I took the red glasses, and that's all I wear now.

[Host]

I was listening to you talk and I was like, it's Sally Jessie. It really is. And so it's, like, crazy that you brought that up.

[Bruce Valanch]

Cause I was like, it is considered if Sally Jessie.

[Host]

If she shaved, but it's also a little bit Ghostbusters. What do you want? Remember her in Ghostbusters? She has, like, funglasses.

[Bruce Valanch]

No, actually.

[Host]

Remember their receptionist in Ghostbusters?

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, yeah. I want to say Carol Cain, but it wasn't Carol Kane. It was someone like that.

[Host]

She's so gorgeous.

[Bruce Valanch]

Like Annie Potts or somebody like that.

[Host]

Yeah. Like a character actress. Very pretty, though.

[Bruce Valanch]

A cute character actress. Yes.

[Host]

Why do you think. Do you think that character actress means unattractive generally? I hate that.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, you know, it's old school. And it's not leading lady.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

It's a supporting part. And it's. So she's not the romantic interest in the picture.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

So she's the character actress she becomes. And that. It just. It's bled down from the studio system. It's one of those things that remains.

[Host]

I do think it can be probably kind of difficult for women to do comedy when. Well, when they're excessively gorgeous. I feel like. Don't you feel like entertainment loves, like, you have to be, like, either, like the hot slut in everything.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, it's very difficult, I think, to be gorgeous and funny. I mean, Lucy, that's why Lucille Ball was such a huge star, because she was spectacular. I mean, she was a showgirl, but yet she did all this physical stuff and she was funny. I Mean, she had intense, amazing timing. And, you know, you find people who have that. Julia Roberts is very funny and Renee Zellweger and. And Reese Witherspoon. I mean, they all have. They've got comic chops, so they can carry that stuff, the romantic stuff as well. Rom coms. If they ever come back.

[Host]

Rom coms. I just watched Pretty Woman for the very first time.

[Bruce Valanch]

Really?

[Host]

I'd never seen it. I watched it last week. My God, did I cry? Yeah, they really get you at the end there.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, yeah, it's Gary Marshall. He knew what he was up to.

[Host]

When he shows up in the limo. Like her story about the white horse. I was watching it, like, whoa. Oh, my God.

[Bruce Valanch]

And because it's so. Even then, it was kind of like, really? Does this really happen? It was a fairy tale. It was, you know, it was kind of fun. I mean, I wanna find a rich guy who's gonna let me loose on Rodeo Drive.

[Host]

Well, she did kind of have like a bob like yours in the beginning.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, really? I didn't notice.

[Host]

Remember when she's, like, in her prostitute outfit and she's in, like, that little.

[Bruce Valanch]

She did have a bob. Is this a bob? I didn't even know. It's just. It's a blob is what I think, but.

[Host]

Well, I watched your documentary in the preparation for this, by the way. To do homework about Bruce Volanch is only opening, like, Pandora's box of how much there is to know. I was like. I felt like I was preparing for lsat. I was like, every time I found somebody that you knew, it was attached to another project that I knew, attached to another thing. I've seen you. Really? When people have you on things, your bio is like a scroll that hits the floor.

[Bruce Valanch]

I've been around. And when you do award shows, you meet a lot of people. But I had an agent once who said, you know, I went on your imbd, you can lose the last few pages. You can. Just because it makes you seem much older than you are. I said, I'm exactly as old as I am and I have nothing to hide. And, I mean, I've written a book about that, so.

[Host]

Oh, yeah, you have a new book. Tell us about.

[Bruce Valanch]

I have a book because I would do podcasts like this with people your age and younger, and they would ask me about these pieces of crap that I wrote in the 70s.

[Host]

Oh, no, I'm going to ask about some of those pieces of crap.

[Bruce Valanch]

I'm wearing one right now. The Paul Lynde Halloween special. Because I refuse to let. I don't care how early Mariah Carey makes us love Christmas, I am hanging on to Halloween. This was one of them. Star Wars Holiday special, the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. I mean, and they kept. And they saw them all on YouTube and their question to a of them was, how did this happen?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

Who said yes to this? And so I thought, there's a book here. So I've written a book about how I wrote the worst TV shows of all time and lived. And it's called. It Seemed like a Bad Idea at the time. Oh, and I've extended it to movies like Can't Stop the Music, which I wrote, the Village People movie I wrote the first draft of, and Broadway and other places where I've had disasters.

[Host]

Yeah. So you wrote a song for the Village People?

[Bruce Valanch]

I wrote. Yes, I did. I did an album for the Village People which was actually banned by the BBC because we had a song called Sex over the Phone that became a big hit in England and the BBC said it was not to their standard.

[Host]

Don't you feel like that's almost like a safe sex psa? Nobody can get an STI on the phone, I think.

[Bruce Valanch]

Exactly. It predated all of that. This is in the 80s, right? So. Well, it was actually in the middle of all of that. But. So it was a sex positive message, now that I think about it. But yeah, they banned it and as a result, we made a lot of money on it. So, you know, I always recommend getting banned because that monster, the Flame, you.

[Host]

Know, I remember hearing that Lady Bunny would sometimes pay like a church lady. A church lady. Someone to dress up like a church lady and pick at her show.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's funny. I didn't know that you get good at church. I'd never heard that. But yeah, I mean, people who, you know, I mean, it's a traditional thing to do to, you know, I mean, there's a word for it now. It's like, I don't know, not. Not. I can't think of the word. But it's. It's what people often do, just, you know, fake. It's just fake news. It's.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

They plant stuff to draw attention to whatever the thing they want to have attention drawn to. And then the fake stuff kind of goes away.

[Host]

Yeah. When did you start? I mean, you kind of also know all the drag queens.

[Bruce Valanch]

I do. Well, I started in Chicago when I was at the Chicago Tribune writing for the old school legendary drag queens who came through town. Charles Pierce, Lynn Carter, Jim Bailey, Craig Russell, I wrote for all four of them at once, at the same time. Which was strange, because if one didn't like the Mae west joke, I would give it to the other one who did the Mae west joke.

[Host]

That's just economical.

[Bruce Valanch]

You know, I knew what worked. I didn't. You know, it was all personal taste, and then it just kind of extended. Although this whole new drag phenomenon came much later than that. I mean, there were certain people who broke through. Like, Jim Bailey was a Vegas headliner, but mostly it was drag queens and drag bars, and it slowly crept in. RuPaul came along and it transformed the whole thing.

[Host]

My God. Yeah, you.

[Bruce Valanch]

And I wrote for him. Her. Them.

[Host]

I think she says, you can call me he or she or Kathie Lee, as long as you call me. I mean. But I think Rue's approach to, like, whatever you call her in drag is very inclusive. I don't think you can really offend RuPaul. I don't think you can offend RuPaul.

[Bruce Valanch]

No. Well, you know, the brand is love, and if you're not gonna love yourself, who else are you gonna love? So, I mean, it's all framed in that. And from the very beginning, from the moment that he was noticed in the first book, he would talk about the ritual of getting into this character, and it's just all about love. So it comes from a different place. Drag was traditionally satirical.

[Host]

Yeah. Can I ask. I mean. I mean, I didn't find this in my research, but when did you meet RuPaul? Like, do you remember when that was?

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. He was doing his VH1 show.

[Host]

Oh, the RuPaul show.

[Bruce Valanch]

The RuPaul show. And I met him, and he came up to me and he said, bruce Valanch, you're in mahogany. Yeah, 32 minutes in.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

So I raced home and put the VHS in the tape and 32 minutes in, and there I am. I thought, not for nothing is this guy RuPaul. This guy's gonna go places. This is a precision instrument.

[Host]

Well, he's obsessed with Diana Ross, as we all know.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, yeah, of course, he's worked with.

[Host]

Diana so much, too.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, I think, you know, a lot of black gay guys were obsessed with Dionne Warwick and Diana Ross because they were. And Diane Carroll because they were glamorous, old school glamour. And there wasn't much of that for black guys to emulate. And so they latched on that because that's what they wanted to be when they got into their drag Personas. They wanted to be glamorous people. And they are.

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[Host]

That'S also like with the Vanessa Williams of the world who I think you also know too, right?

[Bruce Valanch]

I know Vanessa. Yeah, I I met Vanessa when she was Miss Miss America.

[Host]

Oh my gosh. You know, I did a couple seasons of a show with her and so I knew that she knew you and I texted her about it. But I think she's in the UK right now so the time yeah, she's.

[Bruce Valanch]

Doing Devil Wears Prada musical.

[Host]

But I know that you knew her and she one time she told me her whole story. We were at dinner and she I was fortunate enough for her to tell me basically I was with. Who was I with? I forget who I was with. But someone asked. Someone had the audacity to ask, like, how did that all happen? And I was like, oh, my God. I get to hear firsthand, like, how that all happened. And it's wild what happened to her.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

So unfair. So crazy.

[Bruce Valanch]

I know. Nuts. It was nuts. But, you know, the unfortunate thing is so much as branding, Miss America is a brand, and she was the first black Miss America, and it was a big deal. And then, of course, art studies surfaced, as they do for many gorgeous girls who need to put bread on the table or not bread, because they won't eat bread that's too fattening, but other things on the table.

[Host]

The suggestion of bread.

[Bruce Valanch]

Suggestion. Mock bread. So it was a gigantic scandal because the brand was so lily white and wholesome. And here she comes along, and we discover that she has a sordid past.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

So back then, that was quite a big deal. Of course, now it's. You know, Miss America is kind of like it's been duplicated by so many other pageants. And also, the whole idea of Miss America is, I'm gorgeous in a bathing suit, but I really want to be a nuclear scientist.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

You know, and so I need a scholarship. I mean, it's kind of like.

[Host]

I think it was hard for Vanessa because she was a serious, like, musical theater actress, like, dancer, singer, and she wasn't a pageant girl. So then after the Miss America thing, when she would go into auditions, she said it was difficult for her to get taken seriously because these casting agents immediately placed her attached to the scandal. So they're like, we can't. Great. Beautiful singing. We loved your monologue. We don't know if we can put you in this.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah.

[Host]

And that was probably heartbreaking for her because I don't know if she cared about.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, if it's. When. When this was happening to her, television was still a sponsored medium. It's not like there are streamers today. I mean, and mostly they were concerned about Kraft cheese not wanting to be associated with her and therefore not doing the show. So they would get rid of the problem because they didn't want to get rid of the money. And that also morphed as more different channels began showing up that were not. That were not supported by advertising, but on a movie, on the studio level, then it becomes an ethical decision. It's like how hurt we think we're gonna be by this. And it's because they don't have sponsors to concern themselves, but they have stockholders, but that's not the story.

[Host]

But also for Vanessa, like, everyone who was remotely racist, who followed pageants, was waiting for her to make any mistake.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, that's true. Absolutely.

[Host]

She accidentally ended up being responsible for the perception of.

[Bruce Valanch]

It's like Wanda Sykes hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner the first year that Obama was president. And she says, it's so exciting to have a black president. She said, but, you know, we're all sitting here waiting to see what the verdict will be, if it will be, we had a black president. Wasn't he wonderful? Who was that half black guy who fucked everything up?

[Host]

Right? I know, it's wild.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, that's Wanda. But.

[Host]

Yeah, well, that's how you felt watching.

[Bruce Valanch]

So much on her shoulders. Because, you know, I mean, it's the Lena Horn story, you know, it's. You're the one. So you have to be perfect.

[Host]

You have to be perfect. That was like you watching Sally Jessie. You were like, this bitch in the red glasses better not ruin this.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's right.

[Host]

Get contacts, your IMDb and your Wikipedia. I mean, it was. You really have just done every single thing with everything. But I have to tell you, I went on your Twitter. Have you been on your Twitter for a while?

[Bruce Valanch]

Have I. I have a Twitter. A twat. Like, I have a twat account, but I don't. I never post. I read other things. And there are a lot of good naked people on there. So that's fun.

[Host]

I'm gonna tell you that your first post was in July 2011, and your last post was in November 2011, I think so, yeah. You lasted about five months.

[Bruce Valanch]

I did. You know, I probably didn't get laid. That's the problem. I was only on there to get laid.

[Host]

And like, your first tweet, I believe, was my Hyundai Elantra has a blind spot. And I was like, I guess he didn't get the automotive help he wanted and he left.

[Bruce Valanch]

That was me. Or that could have been fake me. There are a lot of fake mes out there.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Yeah. People could really like Andy Warhol. You.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, that could.

[Host]

They could go to a red carpet event and be like, hello, it's me. Here's the hair, here's the voice.

[Bruce Valanch]

There's a lot. There's one reason why I don't do it, but also it's too soul draining. I'm on Facebook, which I call Sid on my Facebook, because I also am looking to get laid there because I can't go on Grindr.

[Host]

Why?

[Bruce Valanch]

Because they don't you know, they don't want to have sex with me. I mean, the ones who do, I'm not interested in. And the. They'd want to meet me or something else, but they're. And not on. I wouldn't be on Grindr for that. So I find it doesn't work for me to be real.

[Host]

Or you get reported as you kind.

[Bruce Valanch]

Of age out and then you get into people who were, like, too kinky for me. You know, I'm. I'm very.

[Host]

Oh, in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, people are like, I'm not meeting up unless, like the. The. The Bone collector level, like violence and like kink that has to occur for someone to get in their car and come over. Whatever happened to just little. Let's just kiss and touch it and go home, Right?

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah.

[Host]

But now it's like, oh, well, I'm obviously going to have to urinate on you, and then I'm going to punch you the face.

[Bruce Valanch]

There's one of my favorite old jokes. This is from George Slaughter, who created Laugh Inlet. Favorite, who I worked with on a million different things. Hysterically funny. He said, it's a guy picks up a girl at a bar and they go home and she says, you want to get kinky? And he says, yeah. And she says, hang on, I'll change. And she goes upstairs and she comes down about five minutes later and he's on his way out the door. She's in her full dominatrix outfit. She says, where are you going? I thought you wanted to be kinky. He said, yeah, I did. I shit in your hat and fucked your cat. I'm out of here.

[Host]

Oh, let's take a break.

[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Host]

Oh, I also. Okay. And we're back. That was our break. That was a perfect segue for our sponsor.

[Bruce Valanch]

Do we have sponsors? Am I not allowed to say those things?

[Host]

No, no, no, it's perfectly allowed because I would think.

[Bruce Valanch]

I mean, what are podcasts for, right?

[Host]

Our sponsors today are not aligned with the words but given by Bruce Blanche llc. Thank you.

[Bruce Valanch]

Thank you. There you go.

[Host]

Can I ask you to. I mean, you were a child model.

[Bruce Valanch]

I was briefly for Lane Bryant, which was no longer among us. But it was like plus size fashions for the forgotten woman for children. But they decided there were not enough fat women in the country, so they were looking for fat kids.

[Host]

And what was it? It was called chubby something.

[Bruce Valanch]

It was charming chubs.

[Host]

Charming chubbs and cute little child models.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yes, Stylist Stouts. And then I became a husky. My career ended because husky. You're neither man nor boy. And nothing fits.

[Host]

Not a girl. Not yet.

[Bruce Valanch]

Anything that does fit is sincere. Sucker. So, you know, you just. It's. It's. It's a fool's errand.

[Host]

Yeah, I know. You get to last.

[Bruce Valanch]

And I can't find the photos. And I think that's probably a good thing.

[Host]

That could be merch. That could be amazing merch.

[Bruce Valanch]

It could be. I may have to.

[Host]

And if Lane Bryant is gone, they can't sue you.

[Bruce Valanch]

They can't there. And they'd be dead.

[Host]

I have to ask. I know you're probably. I know you said people my age ask about it, but I watched all that Brady content on YouTube during COVID because I'm obsessed with the Brady Bunch. I was a pretty much watcher. But when I was little, they had Brady Bunch on in the summer. They'd have marathons. It's the only thing my brother could agree on. So we'd sit and watch marathons of it. I've watched all the holiday movies. What was it like working with the goddamn Brady's?

[Bruce Valanch]

What is it with them?

[Host]

What was it like working with them?

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, what like working with. Well, I did the Brady Bunch Variety hour, which was after the. The Sherwood Schwartz Empire. That was. He created the Brady Bunch.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

And it was after the series was off the air on abc, but it was in reruns all over the place.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And as a result.

[Host]

It's the one with the pool, right?

[Bruce Valanch]

It's the one with the pool.

[Host]

Yeah. That show's wild.

[Bruce Valanch]

Fred Silverman, who was running ABC at the time and believed in teams for variety shows. Donny and Marie, he came up with Sonny and Cher. That was Tony Rolande, $1. All of those things were his ideas. And he was looking for the Partridge Family to do. Because they were a singing act on their show, and it would make sense for them to do a variety show. But Shirley Jones and David Cassidy didn't want to do that. And Susan Day, they were all out of there already. So he went. He said, oh, well, the Brady Bunch. Because the Brady Kids had an act which they would do like the state fairs and stuff like that.

[Host]

Is this the one with the fake Jan? Wasn't there fake Jan?

[Bruce Valanch]

This was. Well, yes, we got fake Jan.

[Host]

Eventually. You got fake Jan, or you started.

[Bruce Valanch]

With fake Jan. No, no. Eve Plum wouldn't do it. Eve Plum had gone broken away and become a TV movie star in a movie called Portrait of a Teenage Runaway.

[Host]

Right, Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yes. And so she was Brady free. So we got. We organized, auditioned for a Jan A fake jam.

[Host]

Were you in the Fake. Were you in the Fake Jan auditions?

[Bruce Valanch]

I was at the Fake Jan auditions. And it came down to two girls. Two girls. One was Jerry Reichel, who got the part. And the other was.

[Host]

My gosh, she was pretty.

[Bruce Valanch]

The girl who became Kathy Hilton, mother of Paris.

[Host]

Shut up.

[Bruce Valanch]

And we joke about it whenever I run into her. Cause, you know, there are very much.

[Host]

She was the almost fake Jan. She.

[Bruce Valanch]

Was the almost fake. I think she turned out Almost Fake Jan. She did very well. Every time she says, I'm so glad I didn't get that part.

[Host]

Yeah, I think she did very well.

[Bruce Valanch]

Geri is now riding the fake Jan gravy train. I mean, she came out and said, I am Fake Jan. And of course, with the Internet, she's become a little star, which is great. Cause she's a lovely woman. But so they. We had to concoct this variety series that had a storyline with the family and also had big production numbers. And Florence, of course, Florence Henderson was a Broadway star and Vegas star and could do anything.

[Host]

My God, her singing and the kids.

[Bruce Valanch]

You know, some of them were better than others, but they could all kind of clomp around, sing and dance. Robert Reeve was the only. You know, the one who was like, alien in Alien turf. Well, and that's all in the book, by the way, because that's one of my favorite disasters.

[Host]

Well, I've seen a bunch of the episodes. I watched them all on YouTube. They're available on YouTube. I don't know if it's okay to promote people to steal a show on YouTube, but I don't think they were.

[Bruce Valanch]

Available when the Brady Movie came out, which was a satire of the Brady Bunch.

[Host]

Incredible.

[Bruce Valanch]

Nickelodeon discovered. Which is owned by Paramount, discovered that they owned the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. And so they programmed it on Nickelodeon on Nick at night. And I got a call one night from this guy stoned out of his mind, saying, dude, dude, I'm watching this thing on tv, and it's Bob Reed, Robert Reed, the dad from the Brady Bunch, and he's doing Carmen Miranda and your name is on it.

[Host]

Yeah, dude.

[Bruce Valanch]

How did this happen? A precursor to my book, basically.

[Host]

Well, I believe isn't the first episode about how the dad isn't sure that he can do it?

[Bruce Valanch]

Yes.

[Host]

He's not a singer. Dancer.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, exactly. Right. Yes. And also in there, we had Farrah Fawcett and Lee Majors, who were a couple at the time. And Donny and Marie showed up.

[Host]

The way it was shot, too, it was like a proscenium with a huge swimming pool in front of it.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, you know, they had. It was produced by Sid and Marty Croft, who had produced the Donnie Marie show. And Donnie Marie opened with an ice rink and what they called the Ice Angels. But the Mormons didn't like that, so they became the Croftettes. I think so. And that worked great. And so Sid thought, well, let's do it with water ballet on this one. So we had the Croft water ballerinas, and it was hysterical because it was water. It was supposed to be the pool at their house at the beach. So there's this gigantic pool, and beyond it is the Pacific Ocean, which sort.

[Host]

Of, like, I'm gonna say as a viewer, I never got that.

[Bruce Valanch]

No, but we were. We were shrieking on the set, watching the whole thing and all that. And of course, it was always a bonus. The crew loved it because there was a tank, and the tank had portholes, so they could put the cameras on the portholes and shoot the underwater stuff on the ballet. So the crew loved to come to rehearsals to watch the Croftets swimming. You know, from underneath all this stuff would be going swimming by. And we used to have to peel some of the kids off of the.

[Host]

Because they're glued to it, like the tv.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, yeah. Because it was like softcore porn, watching all these women kicking and doing, you know, doing breaststrokes and.

[Host]

But weren't there. These moments were like, okay, there's, you know, there's the Brady singing, and then there's the girls jumping in the water. And then the weird thing was they would talk to the camera like, we're doing a show, but they would still pretend they were a family.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yes. It was the template for that was the Jack Benny show, which was. Jack Benny was a comedian, and his show was about him and his life in Beverly Hills. And he puts on a show, and that's. So part of the show was his show with an audience, and part of it was preparing for the show in Beverly Hills. And he would have a guest. He had Marilyn Monroe. And so he. And Marilyn Monroe comes for or something with his wife, and then they do the show where Marilyn's on the show. So that was the template for it, and it was the Brady Bunch do a television show. They have a variety show, and they open it with the swimming number at their home, and then they go in. But there was always a backstory about what they did on the show, around the show. There was just a through line.

[Host]

It was a show within a show. It would be like, what are we going to do. Like, we haven't prepared enough. Like, it was very. Like, we didn't know we were doing the show today.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, kind of. I mean, they knew because they would show up in the opening number in. In Spangly Pete Men costumes.

[Host]

The costumes are fucking.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, they're great.

[Host]

They're getting beautiful. I hate to jump around, but we have so much to cover.

[Bruce Valanch]

Go for it.

[Host]

I texted Kathy Griffin. I was like, I know. You know, Bruce. I was like, what should I talk to him about? And she said, well, you got to ask about the Squares.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, she was on the. Yeah, she was on the Squares.

[Host]

I knew she was on Squares with you. And is that where you maybe met her for the first time?

[Bruce Valanch]

No, no, I think I'd met her before then, but I don't actually remember where I first met. I think I met her with Brooke Shields when she was doing the sitcom oh, Suddenly Susan. Yeah, I think I met her there.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

I wasn't working on it, but I was there for something. I think Brooke was doing the American Comedy Awards or something like that.

[Host]

You were auditioning for the new Brooke?

[Bruce Valanch]

I was auditioning, yeah. And Kathy was there, and I met. I think that's where I actually met her.

[Host]

But do you got any fucking wild, like, Hollywood square stories? Obviously.

[Bruce Valanch]

Right. It's bizarre because I was a head writer, and I always say I was a square. I was to the left of Whoopi, if that's possible.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

But it was a very efficient organization, and the fun of it was the nine people showing up and doing five shows on a Saturday and five shows on a Sunday. So we only worked 36 days a year because we would do a week in a day. Oh, my God.

[Host]

We were writing tape.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. So we tried to keep it as close to the air date as possible. So it was topical, but basically, people were on good behavior most of the time because if you weren't, there were, like, eight other people going, girl. I mean, Roseanne was in a foul mood. And so she kind of.

[Host]

I think she still is.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, she's one of her 43 people, and I've worked with her, and I keep saying. I would say to her, would you please ask number 16 to start talking to number 32 because we're not getting any work done.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

But I mean, she's, you know, she's her own case study. I love her.

[Host]

She's on a journey.

[Bruce Valanch]

She's her own case study. She's, you know, now she's a crazy trumper. And, you know, I mean, I still love Her.

[Host]

But what other kind is there?

[Bruce Valanch]

Exactly. Exactly. There you go. That's why I can still stand.

[Host]

Can I ask, like a logistic thing? So the way Hollywood Squares is like, I mean, we have maybe a lot of young viewers who maybe have never seen it. It's set up like a grid.

[Bruce Valanch]

It's a tic tac toe board.

[Host]

Yeah. And so you guys really couldn't, I mean, could you. You couldn't see each other under a teleport.

[Bruce Valanch]

No, we couldn't see each other once we were in our squares, but there were monitors that facing us so that we could see big, like teleprompter monitors, but so that we could see what was happening. We could see what the shot was.

[Host]

Right. Oh, right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And so we could. We could see what other people were up to and all that as it went to. That must have been fun. And once there was cross talking, they would be going back and forth and that was of course, my favorite moment when I guess the YouTube thing that gets a lot of comment is you fool, which was a woman. She needed one square to get the win and she could not get the right answer. And it started with Gilbert Gottfried who, when she, when she didn't agree with him, said, you fool. And it went on like that. Penn and Teller were on there and it became this woman like about six times. And finally she won the thing. So thank God. And it's a very funny clip on YouTube watching because everybody kind of begins to lose it because it's so insane. It's like things you never expected would happen.

[Host]

Do these queers would ever come back?

[Bruce Valanch]

It is coming back.

[Host]

It is.

[Bruce Valanch]

It's coming back in January on CBS with Drew Barrymore in the center square and Nate Burleson, who, if you don't know, if you watch CBS Mornings with Gayle King, he's the black guy. Tony De Culpa is the white guy and Nate Burleson is the black guy.

[Host]

Are you going to go back?

[Bruce Valanch]

I don't think so. Be a guest so far. I'd love to, but no one's called.

[Host]

This is an official casting call.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's right. If you're watching, I'm happy to go back.

[Host]

Sometimes I think it's gauche, but sometimes when I'm on something, I'll just ask to be on something and then sometimes it does work out.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. Well, this is going to be one of those prime time hours probably after like two FBI shows on CBS, like 10 o'clock on a Wednesday. But so it'll only be once a week. Like Alec Baldwin doing Match Game and Name that Tune with Jane Krasinski. So it's Jane Krasinski. I think I've made just Krakowski Krakowski. I just made a child of her and Emily Blunt.

[Host]

Yep. Jane Krakowski, you have an enemy now.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's right, Jane Krakowski.

[Host]

Sorry, can I ask if you. If I get to do it and you don't, I will wear like a Bruce Wigan glasses in honorarium.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, okay.

[Host]

Did you think he would win in a Bruce lookalike contest? You know, they just had the Timothy Shelley.

[Bruce Valanch]

I mean there's a famous story about Carol Channing going to an impersonator contest in San Francisco and losing.

[Host]

And Dolly.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, Dolly said that she went, that she had one and she lost too. Yeah, I kind of believe Dolly.

[Host]

I believe. I don't think Dolly would ever lie. You have a new project coming out with Dolly.

[Bruce Valanch]

I do. I wrote a musical with Dolly during COVID It's called Here youe Come Again. Sounds like a porno, but isn't. And it's about a 40 year old.

[Host]

I think you tweeted that too. I think I saw that on your Twitter too.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's true, yes. It's about a 40 year old gay comic who's never happened, who's working in the comedy club as a waiter in New York. Covid hits the club closes down. He has to isolate quarantine in the attic of his parents home in Longview, Texas where he has an intimate relationship with his imaginary friend, Dolly Parton.

[Host]

Shut the fuck up.

[Bruce Valanch]

She steps out of a poster and she basically in 12 easy songs fixes him up.

[Host]

Does she play? Is she in it?

[Bruce Valanch]

No, no.

[Host]

Somebody's going to play an actress named.

[Bruce Valanch]

Trisha Paoluccio who has played her in various Nine to Fives and Patsy Cline shows.

[Host]

She's Franchising.

[Bruce Valanch]

Franchising.

[Host]

She's 3D printing dollies.

[Bruce Valanch]

We wrote it together with her husband Gabriel Barry, who is a director who directed it. And we got a grant and we did a zoom and I had to go to Dolly for the rights and I didn't think she would go for it. But she loves it. She's our partner and we did five regional productions and now we're doing a six month tour of the UK and we will be going into London after the first of the year.

[Host]

You gotta go see the girls, you gotta go see the Dolly. The permanent Dolly understudy.

[Bruce Valanch]

There are what?

[Host]

I mean, this act, no, this actress who's playing her is kind of like the permanent new Dolly. In this show.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

Suspend disbelief, if you will.

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, a lot of people have. Megan Hilty played her in nine to five.

[Host]

I got to see her at the Hollywood bowl once, and I just like.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, I saw her at the bowl and she was kind of. She got slightly political. It was. Trump was running, I think, the first time. And she indicated her displeasure with the gist of the campaign. But it was a very Dolly kind of thing.

[Host]

She kind of has a way of touching on it without touching on it.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, exactly. I mean, she goes to basic human issues because she's never really political. No, I mean, but she's incredibly philanthropic.

[Host]

So, like, instead of saying, like, I love the gays, she might say something like, I think everyone deserves the right to love who they love. You know, like she has a way of saying it without ever being too.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, exactly. And she always been saying, for years, if I were a man, I'd be a drag queen.

[Host]

Yeah, I said the same thing. And look at me now.

[Bruce Valanch]

What happened?

[Host]

One time when I started the bowl, she had this amazing, like, I don't know, it was kind of a joke, but the wind was blowing because, you know, the globe. Not the globe, the bowls outside. This wig hair was blowing in her face and she grabbed it and pulled it and she went, ow. I think it's so funny to pull a wig hair out and say, ow. Do you have any memories of doing drag? Drag Race? You've done that three times.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, I was Santa Claus once. That's right, in an early one. And then I was a comedy mentor and a judge four or five times. And what's interesting to me about it is when I started, it was the early days of Drag Race. And they said, well, we want you to mentor the comedy. And people at that time were either gorgeous lip syncing replicas of. Of stars, you know, Bo Jericho or something like that, or they were people like Bianca who had worked clubs every night of their life and knew how to work a room. And I said, it's not fair. It's apples and oranges. I mean, you can't hit them in comedy. Okay, so now lap dissolved to the last time I was on where all of the little queens at home watching discover that to win the thing, they have to be everything you do. They have to be funny, they have to be able to sing, they have to do the split, they have to make their own clothes, they have to live with each other in a motel. So they've learned how to do that. So now they're all like mega queens.

[Host]

It's crazy. They're all like lab created diamonds.

[Bruce Valanch]

Exactly. It's. But they all have comedy shops. They've all figured out what they can do that will get them through that part of it. Even the ones who aren't funny obviously have got people coming in with, you know, advising them when they, when they create this Persona that they're going to use on the show. So it's a whole different ballgame now.

[Host]

Well, you've done drag before. You did Hairspray, didn't you?

[Bruce Valanch]

I did Hairspray for two years in New York. On Broadway. Yeah, I did a year, the first national tour and then on Broadway for a year.

[Host]

Do you like touring like that?

[Bruce Valanch]

I loved it. Well, I was touring, you know, in the first class Broadway show and I was the star. So I was like, you know, limos, sweets, diamonds.

[Host]

Movie stars.

[Bruce Valanch]

Exactly right, movie stars.

[Host]

Did you like doing the drag?

[Bruce Valanch]

Well, yeah, I mean it's, it's not like something I would do every now and then. Girls, I would. But we had it down to a science. So I would come in like an hour before and we would get it all done. Yeah, we'd have to do the wig. The wig hair every night. And I wore a 35 pound fat suit which was basically on top of my own God given fat suit. It was kind of like it was a corset and with huge jugs and it weighed 35 pounds. And then in the last scene of the show is she's in this fabulous red beaded gown.

[Host]

Oh yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

For the reveal, which was another £40 of beading. So I was carrying around £75 and wearing what we used to call at Lane Bryant fat lady shoes, which were two and three quarter inch heels.

[Host]

Lady bunny shoes.

[Bruce Valanch]

Could be. I don't know. I never examined her feet. My shoes, that's not my fetish. But so your whole.

[Host]

Not lady buddy's feet are your whole.

[Bruce Valanch]

Center of gravity changes.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

Which is why I have my foot in the brace now. I'm convinced I never missed a show. But it's because your body is used to carrying your weight around a certain way. And when you change that, all your joints say, hold on, we're going to realign you now.

[Host]

Oh yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

And without you knowing it, but suddenly it begins to happen. So those are the perils of Dragon. But you know, I was doing that kind of drag. I was doing a plus sized, you know, plus size broad. So it wasn't. And also it wasn't a drag. It wasn't a drag performance in the sense Of a woman in quotes. It was this woman.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

She's doing, you know, John Waters invented it for Divine. So she was doing a certain kind of woman that you were. That you were doing. A working class woman from Baltimore.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And so. And she wasn't commenting on anything. She was real and warm and in a real marriage and with a real love for her daughter and all of those things. She just was extreme in the way she expressed herself.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

So it was. You were acting a role. You weren't just being a woman. Being in drag for the. To be in drag. Of course, it's unfortunately part of woke culture has been to downgrade all of that because there are drag queens and then there are characters like Mrs. Doubtfire and Tootsie who are men who put on dresses for a purpose. For a purpose. And they learn something as a result.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And somehow that's become square and old fashioned, that when a man is a woman, he suddenly realizes that there are other things in the world besides what he's always liked as a man.

[Host]

Didn't you do a film kind of about this, like a body switch film?

[Bruce Valanch]

I did a while. I was in a documentary of a body switching.

[Host]

It's like a gay guy, like a body switching. Didn't you write a movie about somebody who's like a Freaky Friday situation?

[Bruce Valanch]

I don't think I wrote one. I don't remember. Was I in one?

[Host]

Maybe I'm starting to add things to your career that didn't happen.

[Bruce Valanch]

Pile them on.

[Host]

I mean, I know I gotta let you go, but I don't know if the kids at home know that. You obviously have all these Emmys from writing all these awards programs.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah, I wrote 25 Oscar shows. I am the egot of award shows. You are Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony's. I've written them all. I'm not the only one. There are several people who've written all four of them. That must be multiple times. But I hate using that word, multiple because it's everywhere now.

[Host]

Multiple.

[Bruce Valanch]

But yeah, but I have written and I did do 25, and we won two Emmys for two of the Oscar shows, which confused my mother until her dying day.

[Host]

You won an Emmy for the Oscars?

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. Right.

[Host]

Wow.

[Bruce Valanch]

Wow. Two Emmys for the.

[Host]

What's the most chaotic one? Like, leading up to what's the most chaotic one of all the types of award shows, what's the one where you're like, oh, girl, here we go.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's a very good question. I think it's probably the Grammys because it's all musicians.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And also, of course, it's become a concert show, and it always was, but it had a host who was more hosty. Billy Crystal. Those kinds of hosts. Whoopi. It wasn't. Now they have LL Cool J. Well, now they have Trevor Noah. So it's more of a host thing than they used to have.

[Host]

Well, you did the.

[Bruce Valanch]

But the real clusterfucks were like the People's Choice Awards and the American Comedy Awards was hilarious because every category was funny and everybody had to be fun.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

And it was comics playing for an audience of comics, which, you know, you're in danger of people saying. You say something and they go, funny, Funny.

[Host]

That's.

[Bruce Valanch]

Honestly.

[Host]

That is it. If somebody's. We're in comics in the audience, they go, that's funny.

[Bruce Valanch]

That's funny.

[Host]

They won't clap. They'll go, that's funny. That's funny.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah. I'm assuming the Tony's goes the smoothest because it's a bunch of people who are everyday live performers.

[Bruce Valanch]

They are. And they are at the top of their game. They're doing these numbers eight times a.

[Host]

Week that they do all the time.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. And so they. And they're all stage performers, so they. When they get up on stage in front of an audience, they know what to do.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

You know, in the movies, you get movie stars who only work for a camera. You know, no one's ever done Johnny Depp residency at Caesars.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

You know, you never saw Keanu Reeves live in Central Park.

[Host]

Right.

[Bruce Valanch]

I mean, these are movie stars, and they get. And so this is not their comfort zone.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Bruce Valanch]

So even the ones who came from theater originally kind of sometimes forgot they came from theater.

[Host]

Right. I find it's interesting when, like, the Emmys, the people who play for camera, the people who play characters, they get up there and they. This maybe is the first time we see some of these people speak from the heart or like, not as a character.

[Bruce Valanch]

Right.

[Host]

You can tell they get nervous when they're not.

[Bruce Valanch]

Oh, yeah. You know, when they're not playing that character, Right? Yeah, yeah, very much so. That's when they're accepting an award, you know?

[Host]

Well, Bruce, I can't thank you enough for coming down here and talking to me.

[Bruce Valanch]

That was great.

[Host]

Do you let the girls know where to find you? Maybe not your Twitter, it's not exactly active.

[Bruce Valanch]

Yeah. There's a cycle we got bruce.com and it's run by a fan, and he knows what I'm doing. I check up every morning to see what I'm up to.

[Host]

Love that.

[Bruce Valanch]

Because he knows more than I and he publishes all the rumors and all that kind of stuff. And it's not true about me and Zac Efron. I'm sorry. It's just not true. I couldn't. With anybody that muscular who's Jewish. I couldn't.

[Host]

It's not true.

[Bruce Valanch]

I couldn't. As a Jew. I couldn't do that unless he was Israel, maybe. Okay, never mind.

[Host]

It's not true. They got married first, so it was in wedlock. So it's okay. Everybody say bye, Bruce. Bye.

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