Introducing: The Kelly Mantle Show!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Introducing: The Kelly Mantle Show! The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
Episode Release Date: January 23, 2025
Hosts: Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikov
Featured Guest: Kelly Mantle & Tammy Brown

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Executive Announcement

The episode kicks off with Trixie Mattel [00:00] enthusiastically announcing her and Katya as the executive producers of the newly launched "The Kelly Mantle Show." Trixie lauds Kelly Mantle as "the funniest, the prettiest, the smartest, and also, in the best ways, the dumbest," highlighting Kelly's multifaceted persona and extensive experience in the entertainment industry. This endorsement sets the stage for the premiere episode, creating anticipation for Kelly's show.

Kelly Mantle’s Grand Entrance

At [00:48], Kelly Mantle makes a grand and whimsical entrance, repeatedly stating her name before delving into a philosophical monologue about time, space, and the inevitability of death. Kelly muses, “To me, time is timeless, space is spaceless, and age and numbers and years are just fears inching towards our death.” Her abstract thoughts seamlessly transition into a humorous pitch for her show, blending deep reflections with playful self-deprecation.

Introducing Tammy Brown

Kelly introduces her guest, Tammy Brown, with flair [04:00], describing her as "a lady of travel and leisure" and a long-time friend. The duo engages in a lively and quirky conversation, full of rapid-fire jokes and cultural references. Kelly praises Tammy's creativity, comparing her to "a crossword puzzle in the National Geographic magazine" and highlighting Tammy's mysterious and enigmatic nature.

Dynamic Banter and Pop Culture References

Throughout the episode, Kelly and Tammy engage in spirited banter, touching upon various pop culture elements:

• Amelia Earhart & Marilyn Monroe: They humorously speculate about the fate of Amelia Earhart, merging historical figures with fictional narratives, and reference iconic films like Air Force One and Gorillas in the Mist.

• Television News Parody: Kelly suggests that they should become news correspondents, envisioning themselves on a fictional “LGBT, L8, news at 10” segment. Tammy humorously rejects the idea, while the hosts playfully assign roles like meteorologist and weather girl to themselves.

Listener Questions and Personal Insights

The episode incorporates a segment where Kelly and Tammy address listener questions, infusing personal anecdotes and imaginative responses:

• Favorite Planet: Rose from Rosetta, Texas asks, “What's your favorite planet? Is it really Mars?” Tammy charmingly replies, “My favorite planet is Planet Earth. The only one we know.” Kelly adds humor by mentioning her former affection for Pluto, now reclassified.

• Favorite Color: Magpipe from San Francisco inquires about Tammy’s favorite color. Tammy provides a detailed and colorful response, encompassing multiple hues and their significances: “Emerald green. Not green with envy, just the heart chakra green... Fuchsia.” Kelly marvels at the depth of Tammy’s answer, saying, “I have never heard a more detailed answer to what is your favorite color in my life.” [17:28]

• Favorite Movie and Dream Role: Vinny from New York City asks about favorite movies and dream roles. Kelly and Tammy engage in a playful discussion about remaking classic films with their unique twists, referencing titles like Who's Afraid of Baby Jane? and Gorillas in the Mist, blending reality with their comedic flair.

Humorous Anecdotes and Personal Stories

The hosts share amusing and exaggerated personal stories, enhancing the episode’s entertainment value:

• Romantic Evenings: Kelly imagines a romantic evening with Tammy involving vinyl records, acrylic nails, and mirrored surfaces. Tammy recounts a humorous encounter on Santa Monica Boulevard, playfully reacting to a "cute guy" with the phrase, “Hey, buster, where you going?” [07:52]

• Olympics and Pop Culture: They discuss the Olympics with a satirical twist, debating the inclusion of figures like Nymphia Wind, the reigning queen of RuPaul's Drag Race season 39. Tammy humorously declines participation due to controversies, while Kelly praises performances with colorful descriptions.

• Gender Identity and Relationships: Tammy delves into her complex gender identity, intertwining terms like “mamser” and “queen studs” with humorous explanations about asexuality and her unique romantic preferences. The conversation takes a playful turn as they explore hypothetical relationships, with Kelly declaring, “I would be your bottom bitch.” [18:43]

Surreal Humor and Absurd Dialogues

The episode is peppered with surreal humor and nonsensical dialogues that showcase the hosts' comedic chemistry:

• Tammy’s Origins Story: Tammy shares a fantastical origin story involving amoebas and humorous admissions like, “I ate the sperm.” [24:57] This absurd narrative continues with playful descriptions of her infant experiences, adding a layer of whimsical storytelling.

• Ghostbusters Reference: Tammy recounts a childhood memory of watching Ghostbusters, humorously misinterpreting scenes and blending them into the conversation with Kelly.

Conclusion and Call to Action

The episode wraps up with Trixie Mattel [26:43] encouraging listeners to tune into the full premiere of "The Kelly Mantle Show." She humorously underscores Kelly's youth and aspirations in the industry, urging the audience to support by liking, commenting, and subscribing, all while maintaining the podcast's signature playful tone.

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Notable Quotes

• Trixie Mattel [00:00]: “Kelly is the funniest, the prettiest, the smartest, and also, in the best ways, the dumbest.”

• Kelly Mantle [00:48]: “Time is timeless, space is spaceless, and age and numbers and years are just fears inching towards our death.”

• Tammy Brown [04:37]: “Hashtag not grooming.”

• Kelly Mantle [07:03]: “Liberty and fashion, baby.”

• Tammy Brown [16:20]: “My favorite color actually start off green.”

• Kelly Mantle [17:28]: “I have never heard a more detailed answer to what is your favorite color in my life.”

Final Thoughts

This premiere episode of "The Kelly Mantle Show" serves as a vibrant introduction to Kelly Mantle’s unique brand of humor and personality, supported by the witty camaraderie of Trixie and Katya. The conversation is a delightful blend of playful banter, surreal humor, and insightful yet absurd musings, making it an engaging listen for fans and newcomers alike. The show's blend of pop culture references, personal anecdotes, and imaginative storytelling sets the stage for what promises to be an entertaining series.

Transcript

[Trixie Mattel]

Hi, it's Trixie. I just want to get on the pod and let you all know that Kati and I are executive producers of a hot and sexy new podcast, the Kelly Mantle show, starring, you guessed it, Kelly Marie Mantle. You guys, we love Kelly. We've toured the world with Kelly. Kelly is the funniest, the prettiest, the smartest, and also, in the best ways, the dumbest. She really has just been everywhere, done everything, knows everybody, and she is, like, completely humble and loves to make fun of herself and learn about the world. But like I said, she is gorgeous and stupid as well, so please enjoy that. We got approached about being eps for her pod and it was an obvious yes, because we love her. And to celebrate, we thought we'd share the premiere episode of the Kelly Mantle show, featuring the highly functioning Tammy Brown. Please enjoy.

[Kelly Mantle]

Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle. Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle. Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle and this is the Kelly Mantle Show. Won't you come inside the Kelly Mantle Studio? Do you know, I never know where I am, even though I always end up where I'm supposed to be. Isn't that extraordinary? To me, time is timeless, space is spaceless, and age and numbers and years are just fears inching towards our death. After all, that's the only thing we all have in common is death. You know, we all get along at stop signs and stop lights, allowing each other to move according to law, regardless of our beliefs. Why can't we apply that to the real world? Isn't it wonderful? The world is ending and here we are pretending that everything's going to be just fine in these tumultuous times. And I'm okay with that because I subscribe to Delusion. It's an app on my phone connected to my Venmo. And I won't mind if you tip me at Kelly Mantle. I'll use it for trips to Nice and the Isle of Greece. And Charity. After all, what can you get a woman who has everything she's ever dreamed of, A gorgeous husband, an Oscar's consideration, an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race. A podcast. Of course you get her a podcast. What more could she ask for? She was dreaming like a Texan girl. A girl who thinks she has the right to everything. A girl who thinks she should have something extreme. So I have a podcast. Won't you join me? We are, like, totally podcasting. Doesn't it look like so profesh? I feel like we should be, like, on the 10 o'clock news. 10 o'clock news, LGBT, L8, news at 10. I'm your hostess or. They don't call them hostesses, do they?

[Tammy Brown]

Why not?

[Kelly Mantle]

News correspondent.

[Tammy Brown]

You will call them hostess if you feel like it.

[Kelly Mantle]

And you would be the weather girl. I can totally see Tammy Brown being the meteorologist.

[Tammy Brown]

It's raining men.

[Kelly Mantle]

It's sunny out there, so you can walk children in nature.

[Tammy Brown]

Hashtag not grooming. Now, don't you have a monologue or something?

[Kelly Mantle]

Seriously, I think we need to normalize being news correspondents. People like us on, like, cnn, honey. Cause we're like truth tellers.

[Tammy Brown]

I don't want to be on CNN or anything like that.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well, you know what I mean. We should be news correspondents. Yes. I have a. I have an introduction for our guest today. She's a lady of travel and leisure. Tammy Brown and I have been BFFs for many, many lifetimes. I don't know if it's been too long or not long enough.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, she was working as Marilyn Monroe back in the day before she croaked. And then I was working in New York City, many places and had a good time. She ended up in Oklahoma. I went through Mexico, Costa Rica and.

[Kelly Mantle]

Texas, all the way down to New Orleans.

[Tammy Brown]

It's nice.

[Kelly Mantle]

People always say, kelly, what's it like being BFFs with Tammy Brown? And I always say, oh, she'll spin your head round and round, but you'll never find out what's in hers. It's an anomaly, a mystery.

[Tammy Brown]

Is that your monologue?

[Kelly Mantle]

No, I'm just coming up with this.

[Tammy Brown]

You're so creative. I love it. Isn't she creative? That's why we hang out.

[Kelly Mantle]

It's like a crossword puzzle in the National Geographic magazine. You're like Amelia Earhart before the crash.

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, before the crash. And then the. What are they? Those crabs. Coconut crabs? Yes, they were in the National Geographic. Speaking of, that's how I found out about the coconut crabs. They say that the theory is that perhaps they tore her body apart and took her down in some little holes. Because they're finding human remains in some of those holes that the coconut crabs go in.

[Kelly Mantle]

Who, Amelia Earhart?

[Tammy Brown]

You better believe it.

[Kelly Mantle]

Now, was she lovers with Martina and Abertalova?

[Tammy Brown]

I'm thinking about the movie Air Force One.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh.

[Tammy Brown]

Or Airport one. And then there's Airport three, where they go into the ocean.

[Kelly Mantle]

And Amelia Earhart won an Oscar for that, right?

[Tammy Brown]

No, you're thinking more like Jane Goodall, played by Sigourney Weaver in the movie Gorillas in the Mist.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, but not alien?

[Tammy Brown]

No, not alien. But there's a new alien.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh. Your mind is probably the most beautiful contradiction since Jesus Christ.

[Tammy Brown]

Contradiction? How so?

[Kelly Mantle]

Beautiful contradiction.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I know about the beauty, but contradiction? How so?

[Kelly Mantle]

Because you're yin and yang.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I am human. A jaded optimist I am.

[Kelly Mantle]

I would think you were a Gemini, but you're actually a Virgo.

[Tammy Brown]

I do like my lover Pisces.

[Kelly Mantle]

Ooh.

[Tammy Brown]

And I can ride. I can ride the bull.

[Kelly Mantle]

So we're gonna take this time to climb into the mind of Tammy Brown and swim around and unleash the ingredients that make your head. TikTok.

[Tammy Brown]

TikTok. I'm on TikTok. Yes, Planet Tammy.

[Kelly Mantle]

How is your head?

[Tammy Brown]

It's good. I mean, I smoke weed normally. I'm highly functioning. I eat.

[Kelly Mantle]

But how's your head?

[Tammy Brown]

What do you mean? Oh, you mean like performing oral copilation or something like that? Well, of course my head speaks. So they speak the perfect words of love that get the guys tingling in dingling, if you know what I mean.

[Kelly Mantle]

Liberty and fashion, baby.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, not fascism and a bumblebee covered in an American flag.

[Kelly Mantle]

Honey, let's get into it. I want to really deep into your mind. I want to know what a romantic evening for Tammy Brown is like. Cause can I tell you what I picture? I picture Juice Newton, Just Call Me angel playing on the record player on vinyl. And I picture lots of acrylic nails tapping along green glass ashtrays with half roach hanging on the side. And lots of mirrored surfaces and negligee, which is very different than lingerie. That's what I see. And I see lots of new nibbling and sniffing things, like, is that what a romantic evening with Tammy's like?

[Tammy Brown]

Well, remember that night we were going down Santa Monica Boulevard and we pulled. We rolled down the window to that cute guy and what did I say out the window?

[Kelly Mantle]

Hey, buster, where you going? I'm like, what year are we in right now? And he's all like, what? He's like, hey, buster.

[Tammy Brown]

I say, hey, buster. Hey, buster, where are you going? More like, hey, buster, where you going? You know, like that, right? Cause I'm always spunky and fun.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, my God, it was hilarious, girl.

[Tammy Brown]

Spunkin and Dunkin or something, right?

[Kelly Mantle]

Spunkin and Duncan. So what is a romantic evening with Tammy Brown like? Please walk us through it. Like you have a date with one of your Bulgarian boys. He comes over and you chilled some champagne.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, as long as they know they're exclusive for the moment.

[Kelly Mantle]

For the moment.

[Tammy Brown]

And one of my boys says, Dummy, I cannot say no to you.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, I love that for you.

[Tammy Brown]

I love it From.

[Kelly Mantle]

Does he, like, grab you by the arms and, like, embrace you when he says it all passionately?

[Tammy Brown]

To be honest with you, he said, dummy, I'm cold, and he put my body on his. But back to that question. I feel happy for them, not me. You know what I mean?

[Kelly Mantle]

People.

[Tammy Brown]

People wish they could kiss my ass.

[Kelly Mantle]

And they literally are.

[Tammy Brown]

I say line them up.

[Kelly Mantle]

Line them up so they're blessed for being. Having a romantic evening with Tammy Brown. Well, why not?

[Tammy Brown]

Why not?

[Kelly Mantle]

Absolutely.

[Tammy Brown]

I mean, I'm the boss.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh. So are you a little bit more on the, like, the strong side of things? The dominant side?

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I am a woman in control of my life. A shewee, a hewie, a mamser, a sheenus, and lovers.

[Kelly Mantle]

Speaking of romantic egos.

[Tammy Brown]

American lovers. I strictly go with Europeans now.

[Kelly Mantle]

You strictly go with European. I had to threaten to, like, beat up one of your American lovers one time.

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, the Porta Potty Prostitute. Remember him?

[Kelly Mantle]

Porta Potty Prostitute, Honey. Tammy, Like, Tinky Stocking, they call it.

[Tammy Brown]

Him.

[Kelly Mantle]

What happened? Tinky Stocking. I just remember calling him and saying, if you don't remember that back, I'm gonna like.

[Tammy Brown]

His name was Tinky Stocking.

[Kelly Mantle]

Tinky Stockings.

[Tammy Brown]

Yes, Tinky Stockings or something like that.

[Kelly Mantle]

That was his name.

[Tammy Brown]

Tinky Stockings.

[Kelly Mantle]

No. Tammy, what were you doing with a boy named Tinky Stocking?

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I met him in one of those big cities here in the United States of the Americas and Chicago, to be matter of fact, walking in August in Chicago.

[Kelly Mantle]

What happened?

[Tammy Brown]

And I met him, and then I invited him over to come and do some stuff, and then he started playing some game, you know.

[Kelly Mantle]

What did he play?

[Tammy Brown]

The game that you had to call him up and he was at the Abbey, and he answered the phone fast. That trick. And guess what trick, baby? You told him what?

[Kelly Mantle]

I said I was gonna smash his face into the gravel.

[Tammy Brown]

Into the gravel? You said you were going to smash his face into the gravel. That's Kelly. I can always call Kelly and make sure she takes the way I roll.

[Kelly Mantle]

Baby, you don't call my friend.

[Tammy Brown]

Am I scared of you? No.

[Kelly Mantle]

Hell, no. You shouldn't be.

[Tammy Brown]

But you will tear some asses down.

[Kelly Mantle]

I will tear an ass down. I don't play, honey. I do not play. I am from Oklahoma, honey. We don't around. All right, so I want to get to some listener questions. We have some very interesting questions we asked some of our listeners. Do you have any thriving questions for Ms. Tammy Brown. And they did not disappoint. So Rose in Rosetta, Texas, wants to know, so you're known as Planet Tammy on your socials. What's your favorite planet? Is it really Mars?

[Tammy Brown]

My favorite planet is Planet Earth. The only one we know.

[Kelly Mantle]

That's a good answer.

[Tammy Brown]

That's a fact. If I had a time machine, what would I do? I'd just actually stay in this.

[Kelly Mantle]

Just stay in place. Point in place right here and fix it.

[Tammy Brown]

Fix it.

[Kelly Mantle]

You're doing a lot to fix it.

[Tammy Brown]

I do my best. I'm not competing, though.

[Kelly Mantle]

No, as we shouldn't be. We should be joining arms and fixing it together. You know, I used to say my favorite planet was Pluto. But then I heard recently that Pluto no longer identifies as a planet.

[Tammy Brown]

Really?

[Kelly Mantle]

Yeah.

[Tammy Brown]

Satellite baby.

[Kelly Mantle]

Satellite Baby.

[Tammy Brown]

And that was a number one hit single in the Scandinavian country.

[Kelly Mantle]

Do you really think that they landed on the moon?

[Tammy Brown]

What was a number one hit single?

[Kelly Mantle]

Huh?

[Tammy Brown]

What was a number one hit single in a Scandinavian country?

[Kelly Mantle]

Satellite baby.

[Tammy Brown]

Ding. And you performed that at that show? What was it called that we did up on the Hollywood Hills?

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, what was that called?

[Tammy Brown]

When Queens Collide.

[Kelly Mantle]

When Queens Collide. That's the name.

[Tammy Brown]

And Mama's dead Mama's dead Mama died and they cut off her toe Mama.

[Kelly Mantle]

Say mama sama Macu Saw Jules from.

[Tammy Brown]

Long beach, went to the funeral.

[Kelly Mantle]

I know. I wanted to go. Rhea texted me and asked me to do something at it, but I was out of town that weekend.

[Tammy Brown]

And that is Raya Latre.

[Kelly Mantle]

I. What did I say?

[Tammy Brown]

But you said Raya.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, did I say it wrong?

[Tammy Brown]

But I'm saying Ray Latre.

[Kelly Mantle]

Do you know what I told her? She needs to come out with a. A brand of sunglasses called Raya Bands.

[Tammy Brown]

Raya Bands.

[Kelly Mantle]

Hey, look at me. Marketing, marketing Marketing Marketing Marketing, marketing Here.

[Tammy Brown]

Comes the marketing Marketing market marketing Here.

[Kelly Mantle]

Comes the money Marketing, marketing the clouds are.

[Tammy Brown]

The clouds are all around us. We got money marketing Marketing Money Marketing, marketing hey, winner. I'm the winner. Buy some salami and go fuck yourself.

[Kelly Mantle]

Can we get some more champagne flown in from Ms. Tammy?

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, my goodness. Only from Champagne France.

[Kelly Mantle]

We can edit this part out.

[Tammy Brown]

No, we're gonna do it all. We're gonna get some champagne sponsors. Cause I want.

[Kelly Mantle]

We're going to get champagne sponsors.

[Tammy Brown]

Avet avit Champagne. Champagne Avex.

[Kelly Mantle]

Episode one and she's already thinking of champagne sp.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, why not? People get sponsored by all sorts of things. And why am I not sponsored? I can't even get sponsored by a condom company.

[Kelly Mantle]

You should Be in the Olympics.

[Tammy Brown]

I don't want to be in the Olympics.

[Kelly Mantle]

Look. You look like you're in the Olympics representing Texas. I love it.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, you better believe it. The Special Olympics.

[Kelly Mantle]

You could be a gymnast. Well, Texas, I want to see Tammy Brown break dancing in the Olympics.

[Tammy Brown]

I want to tell you. What? I have a friend though, that she. She has an Olympic medal for collecting stamps.

[Kelly Mantle]

Who? They have Olympics for collecting stamps.

[Tammy Brown]

You better believe it.

[Kelly Mantle]

Shut up.

[Tammy Brown]

Uh huh. It's my friend in India.

[Kelly Mantle]

Are you serious?

[Tammy Brown]

Shashan's mom? Yes.

[Kelly Mantle]

When did they start an Olympic event for collecting stamps?

[Tammy Brown]

It's a thing. There's a medal. She got a medal.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh my God, that's hilarious.

[Tammy Brown]

Shashan's mom? Yep.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well, we love you, Shashan. And you keep on collecting, honey. Oh my God. Have you ever been to the Ritz Carlton in Dana Point on the ocean? It is one of the most beautiful hotels, the most beautiful views, and they have this wonderful little place where you can just get drinks and appetizers as the sun's coming down. Isn't that remarkable?

[Tammy Brown]

Well, that's what your Discover card Gotcha.

[Kelly Mantle]

That's what my discovered card got me to. But do people still have Discover? Why not be the MasterCard? I'm mix or Discover. That's hilarious, girl.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, it's a fact. I was thinking I'd prefer to go stay. Although the Trumpster owns the Plaza Hotel. I'd rather stay at the Plaza Hotel for a night. Yeah, he's owned it for years. And when 911 happened too, it was could have been one of the buildings that would have collapsed as well, you know.

[Kelly Mantle]

I didn't know he owned the Plaza.

[Tammy Brown]

It is healthy to burp though. That's a fact.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well, honey, if we didn't burp, we'd all blow up, I'm assuming.

[Tammy Brown]

Oh God. Like a firework.

[Kelly Mantle]

Magpipe. Dylan Fairchild from San Francisco wants to know. Magpe. Magpipe.

[Tammy Brown]

Is it a drag king?

[Kelly Mantle]

I don't know. Probably a drag king. She says from San Francisco. Of course it's a drag king. Wants to know what's your favorite color.

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, well, that's a. That's a beautiful question.

[Kelly Mantle]

I feel like you could read auras. Actually. Yes, I really do.

[Tammy Brown]

I'm seeing purple with you.

[Kelly Mantle]

I wonder why. Purple rain. Purple rain. May he rest in peace.

[Tammy Brown]

Rest in pieces perhaps.

[Kelly Mantle]

Now, what is your favorite color?

[Tammy Brown]

My favorite color?

[Kelly Mantle]

If I had to guess, I would say Tammy Brown's favorite color is red.

[Tammy Brown]

Cherin.

[Kelly Mantle]

Am I right?

[Tammy Brown]

That's red in Bulgarian. Oh, chiltik is Red in Nahualt Ciltik. But my favorite color actually start off green.

[Kelly Mantle]

Really?

[Tammy Brown]

You better believe it.

[Kelly Mantle]

Kelly green.

[Tammy Brown]

Huh?

[Kelly Mantle]

Kelly green.

[Tammy Brown]

Emerald green. Not green with envy, just the heart chakra green. So I just went to blue automatically. And I remember at the time I went to a deep sapphire blue, which is my, you know, birthstone. Okay, But I don't really like that color blue. Many of us Virgos don't like that because it's just too damn dark. And I switched it to turquoise. And guess what else? Fuchsia. So I have two favorite colors, and then my lucky colors are green and purple. And purple is a healing color, like for healing light and stuff like that. So I'm always thinking about you while watching you during this beautiful podcast of yours that, you know, you're the purple light shining bright.

[Kelly Mantle]

I have never heard a more detailed answer to what is your favorite color in my life. I thought, this is the most stupid, basic question. And that was the most beautiful, wonderful answer I've ever heard.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I've learned something in Hollywood. You have to talk. And one of my lovers, though the problem we have on our. He's a Taurus and I'm a Virgo.

[Kelly Mantle]

And how many do you have, huh? How many lovers?

[Tammy Brown]

He's the captain lover.

[Kelly Mantle]

I want a number.

[Tammy Brown]

I just don't want to sound like a common tramp or foolish.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well, you're not. You're more of a Hollywood madam. If I were to call you anything.

[Tammy Brown]

I'm gonna tell you what, like a.

[Kelly Mantle]

Hollywood madam that runs a brothel of Bulgarian boys in P Town. This is. She does.

[Tammy Brown]

Hold the horn. Hold the horn here. Look, I'm not a bottom bitch.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, shit.

[Tammy Brown]

And I know what a bottom bitch is. You know what a bottom bitch is?

[Kelly Mantle]

Tell me.

[Tammy Brown]

The bottom bitch is the head whore in the stable of whores. That's the bottom bitch. And I learned that from the iceberg slim, the book pimp, which has a great glossary. And then also, I like Black Widow Mama Spider, which deals with the drag queen. But please, look out, iceberg slim. Look for him. Look for him. Great stuff. Iceberg slim.

[Kelly Mantle]

Iceberg slim, but slim shading.

[Tammy Brown]

You would be my bottom bitch.

[Kelly Mantle]

I would?

[Tammy Brown]

Yes.

[Kelly Mantle]

How am I going to be your bottom bit?

[Tammy Brown]

Because you would be my bottom bitch. Like, if I was Batman, you'd be Robin.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, my God. I've never even thought of us together. So it would be like a lesbian. We would be like desert moons. Remember that old lesbian movie? We would meet in, like, a laundromat, and we would Go like in our 57 Chevy out into the desert, the way you get me.

[Tammy Brown]

Ready?

[Kelly Mantle]

And rip each other's clothes off. Yes. And just, like, start going down on each other and just eating each other out. Just like, going crazy and flipping my hair in the wind. Be like Thelma Louise gargoyles in the mud. So you. I would be your bottom bitch.

[Tammy Brown]

Why not?

[Kelly Mantle]

I mean, listen, it makes sense. Yes, of course it is, because I'm more of a pillow princess anyway. I like to just lay there and be like. Oh, and make sure, like, nothing's touched.

[Tammy Brown]

I got you there.

[Kelly Mantle]

You're a bitch. This is such a Willy Wonka set in the fucking. Where did they have that at?

[Tammy Brown]

Can I have another question, please?

[Kelly Mantle]

Okay. Vinny from New York City wants to know what's your favorite movie and what is your dream role as an actress? Oh, this is a good question. I want to know this, too.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, first of all, as an actress, my miniseries is going to be great, and I can even play some of the parts myself. And the acting right now is the part I'm playing. So here we go.

[Kelly Mantle]

Inside the Actor Studio.

[Tammy Brown]

Inside the Actor Studio. I'm a must join for sag.

[Kelly Mantle]

I always wanted us to remake the movie. Who's Afraid of Baby Jane?

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, that'd be great. Remember when I did the part with you?

[Kelly Mantle]

Wait, I totally messed that up. Oh, my God. We should totally do a mashup of who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? And whatever happened to Baby Jane? What's eating Gilbert Grape?

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, Gilbert Grape. Will you play the mother or will I?

[Kelly Mantle]

I would be Joan Crawford, of course.

[Tammy Brown]

Cause you like the beauty.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well.

[Tammy Brown]

And you're not afraid of my reckless abandon.

[Kelly Mantle]

Exactly. I got my little ding a ling hanging out just for you.

[Tammy Brown]

Look at this. This is Junior and the twins. Shout out to the Imperial Court. Yes. Long Beach. Bow wow wow. Yippee, yippee. You know, they're doing the 2020. 2028 closing Olympics ceremonies.

[Kelly Mantle]

I think they should have Tammy Brown perform at the closing ceremonies of the 2028 Olympics in Long beach. Because you are a Long beach superstar, national native. Just like Snoop Dogg.

[Tammy Brown]

I'm going to say. What? This is what I'm going to say. I'm going to say. I would. I would say no to the Olympics.

[Kelly Mantle]

Why?

[Tammy Brown]

Because of all the controversy.

[Kelly Mantle]

Yeah.

[Tammy Brown]

The Sachi Olympics with the orcas. The Gay Pride Olympics back in. Was it 38 and whatnot in Munich or wherever that I believe in over there.

[Kelly Mantle]

And did you see Nymphia Wind on the closing ceremony last night? This is probably going to come out much later, so y'all are probably going to be like, when was this shot? But did you see her last night? Nymphia Wind on the Olympics.

[Tammy Brown]

Tell me what happened.

[Kelly Mantle]

I don't know. I didn't see it. I saw it in the Twitters, but I haven't watched it yet. But she performed at the closing ceremony.

[Tammy Brown]

Good for her.

[Kelly Mantle]

Of the thingies of the Olympics.

[Tammy Brown]

And what does she do? What? I don't even know who that is.

[Kelly Mantle]

You don't know who Nymphia Wind is?

[Tammy Brown]

I don't pay attention to this modern day pop culture bullshit.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, my God.

[Tammy Brown]

Edit that. I don't care. I wouldn't do the Olympics. There's the answer to that question. Moving along.

[Kelly Mantle]

Tammy Brown would not do the Olympics, but Nymphia Wynn did. And she did a beautiful job portraying a gold. She is the current reigning queen of RuPaul's Drag Race season 39, Tamra.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, good for them. Fraculator Ru.

[Kelly Mantle]

She really did a beautiful number on the finale. And it was this. It was this beautiful dance with these dancers. And everything was in pink and blue and it was like trans rights.

[Tammy Brown]

So pink and blue. It's almost like fuchsia and turquoise. I loved it. Oh, Nymphia, love you, baby. That's for Joan Crawford.

[Kelly Mantle]

What is your gender identity?

[Tammy Brown]

Mamser? She, Ness Queen Studs and I would be considered fluid with a dominant heteronormative. And there's also parts of me that are 2% bisexual. We also have a lot of, what is it? Asexuality going on a lot sometimes.

[Kelly Mantle]

Really? Asexuality. Explain that. What is that?

[Tammy Brown]

Because I'm more into sometimes voyeurism than.

[Kelly Mantle]

The actual act of penetration, to be honest with you.

[Tammy Brown]

Yeah, that gets me going. And then with the empathic lovers, sometimes that really just gets me flying.

[Kelly Mantle]

Really? Yeah.

[Tammy Brown]

Which is a problem sometimes.

[Kelly Mantle]

So you have sex with ghosts?

[Tammy Brown]

Oh, my God. In the movie Ghost. Remember they took me as a three year old to see them. Not Ghost. Ghostbusters. To see that movie. And when Dan Aykroyd's getting the blowjob by the ghost. Remember that?

[Kelly Mantle]

No, I've never seen Ghostbusters.

[Tammy Brown]

No, no, that movie's great.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, boy.

[Tammy Brown]

And it's. It's great. New York.

[Kelly Mantle]

And he's getting a blowjob. I thought it was a joke by a ghost.

[Tammy Brown]

And you see the pants unwrap and really buckle. Go.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. I love that.

[Tammy Brown]

Took me to see that 19. What is it? 80. When did that come out? 84.

[Kelly Mantle]

So he got a blowjob by a ghost? Yes. Fuck off, Ghostbusters. Yes. Who you gonna call?

[Tammy Brown]

You better believe it.

[Kelly Mantle]

Oh, my God. I did not know that. So tell me about sex with ghosts.

[Tammy Brown]

Well, I'll tell you what. It's practically another dimension, but right here on this planet.

[Kelly Mantle]

Now, you were supposed to be born in Puerto Vallarta, see, but you ended up being born in Corpus Christi because you had an amoeba. Is this true? And what was the amoeba?

[Tammy Brown]

The amoeba was actually myself that grew inside my mom's womb. And I was born in Corpus Christi, Texas, right here.

[Kelly Mantle]

Wait, you were the amoeba?

[Tammy Brown]

You better believe it. I ate the sperm.

[Kelly Mantle]

So you've just been like a little gutter slut since you were like an embryo?

[Tammy Brown]

No, the one you met is Courtney Love in the gutter.

[Kelly Mantle]

So wait a minute. You ate the sperm? So there was supposed to be a twin?

[Tammy Brown]

Well, why not? With all this hit rage of aliens and this and that. Why not let me be the one here?

[Kelly Mantle]

Tammy Brown's down there in her mama's belly munching on her twins.

[Tammy Brown]

And when I was born, they laid me flat on my head. So I have a flack. I mean a flack. A flat, flat back side of my head. That's why I'm always teasing my hair back there. Or sometimes we're a little piece, you know?

[Kelly Mantle]

You do wear a little piece. I love your little piece.

[Tammy Brown]

Thank you.

[Kelly Mantle]

When we stay in hotel rooms together, I see the little piece in the middle of the night over on the dresser.

[Tammy Brown]

It's just back here.

[Kelly Mantle]

She carried a little piece, but I thought it was a trance for the ones.

[Tammy Brown]

Thank you.

[Kelly Mantle]

And I'm like, ow. And I'm like sweating her little hair pee her toupee up. And I started stomping on it like Terry. And she like, looked up and was like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, my God.

[Tammy Brown]

Yeah, because I. Well, this. I woke. Well, I woke up and said, what were you doing? But the next morning when we woke up, it was hanging on the banana tree.

[Kelly Mantle]

Hanging on the banana tree. Oh, my God. And then the chimpanzee came and started playing with it and then started wearing it up against the windowsill.

[Tammy Brown]

I thought it was like. I thought he put it like down as rectum areas.

[Kelly Mantle]

Well, that was the other one. That was the other. Hey, hey. Orangutan swinging from a tree.

[Trixie Mattel]

Did you like that? Of course you did. If you want to hear the rest of the premiere episode of the Kelly Mantle Show. Head to the link in the description. And don't forget to follow the show wherever you get your podcasts. You don't want to miss a single gloriously insane episode. Also, make sure you do all like the likes the comment, the subscribe. You know, Kelly, she's a young ingenue. She's about 20 years old. She's trying to make it in the industry. We got to help Kel, okay? And if you don't comment and like and subscribe to Kelly, you hate queer people. So maybe we can get Kelly to read some of the comments on the podcast. I mean, I'm not sure she can read, but maybe somebody can feed her the lines. Oh, wait, I'm an ep. I'm going to force Kelly to read the reviews on the podcast. Okay, bye.