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Kristen Schaal
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Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How's my hair? So wet. It'll be dry by the end of the episode.
Kristen Schaal
It does look good, though.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Thank you.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, thank you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Thank you, thank you.
Kristen Schaal
Right, does it look good or is it. Is it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, I have you.
Kristen Schaal
It's look right in the case.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We're rolling. Oh, it is a little hole. It's a little skew. Look into the camera. It's like, oh, I'm. I'm taking. I'm looking at.
Kristen Schaal
Just pull it down on the right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, yeah, a little bit.
Kristen Schaal
Because if I don't fix this, then you won't air my episode.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That is so true.
Kristen Schaal
It's basically like when you take a picture with someone and you never see it again because they looked bad even. Yes, yes, it looks. And it looks good. It looks like you just like, rolled
Katya Zamolodchikova
out of bed, which is what happened. And it takes a little. As you know, as a woman in Hollywood, it takes about two and a half hours to get that bed head scrunch.
Kristen Schaal
Yes, it does that. Or the other. The other look is. Is the beach hair.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, that's what we're talking about.
Kristen Schaal
Two hours are like, look what we did. And I looked in the mirror. I'm like, what the. I could have done that.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Nothing has changed. I'm just putting my do not disturb on. I'm not watching porn.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Watching porn.
Kristen Schaal
Watching porn on your iPhone. It feels like the porn stars could watch you back.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I have never thought of that. I would think that the evil porn kings are. Or like the. The. The people who are, you know, the. At the top of the porn mountain. Or like the evil guys with. They're watching you back.
Kristen Schaal
I love that they're on a porn mountain. Mountains are kind of the porn dogs of nature. Right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's the title. The porn dogs of nature. Okay. In order. So in order for people to, like, understand, we always just like. We'd always just like. We don't really start or end the podcast. It kind of just. It like clips on and where it goes and then it just abrupt. So I'm going to give you a proper intro because this is actually the third time.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We're completing a trilogy.
Kristen Schaal
It's. Yeah. This, as Tracy said, this will be it for me.
Katya Zamolodchikova
This is it.
Kristen Schaal
She said. This will be my last interview.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And so in her last interview.
Kristen Schaal
I don't know.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, it's because the number three is very holy, very sacred.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. And people. Very definitive people want something new.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something. Okay. Okay. And I briefly used. On the way here, I was. I was in a panic, so I rushed out, paper bag, wet hair. This hair. Ran out of the house, shirt unbuttoned, pants unzipped. And I had a shopping bag, a paper bag full of a wet wig, a bottle of water, a half a Xanax just in case. And then. And then like, a whole bunch of other crap. And I got in the car, lovely driver. And he. And I was like, what would artificial intelligence do to, like, say. What would Katya say about Kristen Schaal? And it was so bad. It was so corny. And it was like. And it's not even. And I don't even want, like, to read it because it made me so depressed at the same time, like, oh, thank God,
Kristen Schaal
your voice.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, it was like. It was like zany and hijinks and like, things like that are like words. Corny words used to describe a theme or a tone or whatever that I suppose you could apply to me, you know? But it was just like. Yeah, it was like a simultaneous relief. But also it's like, well, I just used it. It's like, I just. It's like, does that knife really stab people? And I just stab someone?
Kristen Schaal
You know how the Gmail was starting to rewrite Everybody's emails. So I figured out how to turn it off.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So that's that.
Kristen Schaal
Because it was like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That happened next.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, it's awful. So. So you can get it turned off. But it was like. It did show me how bad of a writer I am.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I.
Kristen Schaal
And I was like, okay, this is. This is. Everyone's gonna know that I. That I'm faking this. Because it doesn't have five exclamation marks after every sentence and it doesn't have like, like, and just. And very, very, very. Like, like, like, just, just.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That is so fucking funny you said that. Because I intentionally kept at least four typos. Like I had. Yes. With three S's.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And then a long couple of like two periods. And then dot, dot, like space, space, space, space, space. Thank you. No comma, Brian. Like, I was just like, that's enough. They'll get the info and I don't want your help.
Kristen Schaal
No, Mr. Gmail. It's really creepy.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's creepy. And I watched a clip of. Oh, sorry, hold on. Back to the intro.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, sorry. My last intro.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. In her final performance in her swan song, Swan Lake. Yep.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, did you see the show?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I'm dying too.
Kristen Schaal
Okay, okay, okay. Can we talk about it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Duh. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. My guest tonight in her today. See, it's not even. Maybe they're watching this at night. Okay. Yeah. You don't know.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, you're going to read the A.I.
Katya Zamolodchikova
no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to read my own version of it. Okay, okay. Today we are blessed with a trinity. A eulogy for our guest whose final performance will not only reverberate through the halls of podcasting, but through the Audio. Rock and Roll hall of Fame. From the bunny ears of Louise Belcher on Bob's Burgers to the tech chaos of My Spy, the Eternal City and the. And the blood soaked sensuality of vampire politician, the Guide. Yeah, yeah. And what we do in the shadows. She's built a career. Oh, this is this. Okay. She's built a career on being one of the most distinct voices in the business. Returning to the big screen in Toy Story 5 and taking her surreal solo show, the Legend of Crystal Shell, to the Netflix is a joke fest. She's funny, she's fabulous, and she represents to us the confluence of beauty, talent, and untamed and unbridled sexuality.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Not done.
Kristen Schaal
Sorry. I just. That's what an untamed sexual person would do. Sorry, sorry.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We're often wondering what is the exact confluence of all of the perfect qualities of a human being and they are here tonight in one human form. Kristen, Sharon, welcome.
Kristen Schaal
Thank you. Thank you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I was like, she's zany. And the hygiene. Yeah, like, oh, fuck off.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, fuck off with that. I'm quirky.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, yeah, she's quirky. She's quirky. What's it like? What's it like being a quirky lady and a leading lady? Hollywood. You want to be a leading lady in Hollywood with a queen Quirky lady.
Kristen Schaal
It's like, it doesn't matter because they'll just cast Zooey Deschanel as the quirky one.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Who are your nemeses?
Kristen Schaal
I don't have any nemesis.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I think you do. Julia Roberts.
Kristen Schaal
What a sandy mouth.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Huge.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Huge. Huge. With that smile is not only. It's dazzling, it's dangerous.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. I think she could fit a whole mango in there.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We better call. I bet George has seen her do that on Lake Como.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, for sure, for sure.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know, I've heard a lot about. I'm obsessed with. Anytime I go anywhere near a Hollywood production set, you know, I ask anybody who is working, there's like, have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julie Roberts? Have you worked with Julie Robertson? And then anybody else who they worked with. And I haven't really got a lot of juicy gossip yet, but I did get some gossip that says she's very, very, very nice to men.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And that was this.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. And was that a woman saying it? I got a little juicy gossip from her. I was. Yeah, not from her, but someone was telling me because I worked on. What was it called? It was my parents favorite movie I ever made, A Walk in the Woods. I had four lines, but it was with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. So they. That finally I did something that's like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's like. Holy.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, it's pretty.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's like the Mount Rushmore.
Kristen Schaal
It, you know, like my, like the disappointing thing about that movie is that I was only on that set for like maybe two days because they would start like talking about like the day they hung out with Marilyn Monroe. Monroe. And, and who's that guy that wrote Of Mice and Men?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, John Steinbeck.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, Steinbeck. You know what I mean? Like they lived the whole culture, right?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. There is like the American culture started and stuff. Yeah. Robert Redford, did he die recently?
Kristen Schaal
That's the rumor. That's the rumor. But I don't know, I don't know if it's true. I think he's just tired of the spotlight and he's just, like, faked it. There's no doubt. He's just, like, living in Topanga Canyon, just like breathing a sigh of relief
Katya Zamolodchikova
in a hot spring that he created underground. Underground.
Kristen Schaal
No, the. Oh. So the gossip was, is that we were like, you know, working past the. There's. Sometimes there's penalties if they make you stay longer, whatever. And. And the. I just heard that when that would happen on the set with Julia Roberts, you. You are actually supposed to give them cash for the hours, the penalty every hour. Like, give them cash.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Give the actors cash?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, with the actors. Well, she would ask for it in cash before she would agree to do it. And then she would take the cash. And it wasn't like what. It was like the penalty for the union. So it was like, you know, a hundred dollars an hour or whatever. But she would know. She would divide it up with her hair and makeup people. People. So they could walk home with cash.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So. That's awesome.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. So.
Kristen Schaal
Ever.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know what, Whoever told me that thing about Julia Roberts, I think maybe they had spun it. She said she gets. I think that I would. The part I missed was she only gets along with men because she loves women.
Kristen Schaal
Oh.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know what I mean? Maybe she merely gets along with it. Maybe.
Kristen Schaal
But I mean, like, that's the thing. Sometimes you're just feeling men more than women, and sometimes you're feeling women more than men. And. Yeah, also sometimes you grow out of that.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Sometimes you grow up and you stop being sexual. Sometimes you just shake that off. I. Oh.
Kristen Schaal
Ooh. Oh. I. I do have to get this out of the way because it's on my mind every time I look at you. Is that your skin is glowing.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
Did you put makeup on?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I. No.
Kristen Schaal
No. It doesn't look like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I.
Kristen Schaal
It's like fresh faced glow.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I'm telling you. I.5am running out of the house with wet hair.
Kristen Schaal
You look amazing.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Don't stop. I'm. Now I'm going to start looking crazy. I.
Kristen Schaal
Because you're thinking about your face.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. And I'm going to beat red.
Kristen Schaal
Have you ever turned. You're gorgeous.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, my God. Shut up. Could you be more specific?
Kristen Schaal
I mean, like, your cheekbones are really pretty and your head is like shaped nice.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's just that. It's just that. It's the unit. It's the unit. But I have to. I have to.
Kristen Schaal
What?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, it's. This is what you call a men's. A unit.
Kristen Schaal
It is.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, you can call it a toupee, but it's not exactly that because it's just like. It's like cuz a toupee goes with
Kristen Schaal
the rest of the hair. And this is.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes. And I don't have any.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, this is like striking.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Actually. This could be. I mean I suppose it is a toupee because I could conceivably have this. This sort of like hair around here.
Kristen Schaal
Like I thought it was a wig.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I would call it a wig too.
Kristen Schaal
But then you're. But because unit seems like when you say unit I'm thinking about like dick.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh. Because the. But then we could say that's my unit. System. System. What about a system?
Kristen Schaal
Then there's be more than one moving part. Well that's so that's just like when the system.
Katya Zamolodchikova
The hair system gets. That's where it gets interesting. Because when the unit becomes a system, it's when there are multiple. There's an installation process involved. Guess that you're gonna love. This is great.
Kristen Schaal
Like glue. Like with glue and a hat or.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So you go to scarf sunglasses.
Kristen Schaal
I can't. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
A neck brace and then.
Kristen Schaal
And a bag over your head.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So you go. I would see I had. The problem is I have all gray hair. Whatever's. Whatever wood growing on in my head is absolutely gray, gray, gray.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, that's beautiful though. Like Steve Martin.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes, that is like just like Steve Martin. In a full head of it too. Total full head. Just like Steve Martin. Yes. Or. And so if I did that, I would go to the barber or go to the specialty barber in the basement through a tunnel. Because you don't want anybody to see this happen.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Through the window. You know what I mean?
Kristen Schaal
Because you don't want to give away your secrets.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no. So. So they. They put the unit on your head, they glue it on with like epoxy resin or something crazy. Not really that, but. And then they cut. They give you a haircut and they blend your. The unit into your hair. But you have to go back for maintenance because of course your hair grows, but the unit. The unit stays.
Kristen Schaal
Doesn't grow.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And you got to go for touch ups. I would say probably once a week.
Kristen Schaal
That's too much.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No shit. Because some of now I'm telling you, some of these guys I've seen in real life have unclockable systems.
Kristen Schaal
Systems.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Systems. Because they have to. The way that they seamlessly blend their, you know, back inside hair into the. The. I mean, I'M talking like a skin fade.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And it's unbelievable.
Kristen Schaal
It's beautiful.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You would never know unless you grabbed it and. Yay.
Kristen Schaal
I was gonna ask about that in a fight.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, it would be.
Kristen Schaal
It would hurt.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I don't think it would hurt.
Kristen Schaal
You don't think that the glue would pull up some scalp?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I don't. It could probably. It would definitely, like, be like, some. I don't think, like, blood, but it would be, like, pulling off a really, really hard sticker or like.
Kristen Schaal
Like a band aid. Like a hurtful.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. And it may be even blood. But who knows what they put on these days. I know they don't go swimming in these. Oh, well, I don't know that. I just assumed that. But it would be the ultimate humiliation, which is so fascinating to me, because if this thing blew off in Chicago, say, yeah. I would be like. And then I would just continue with my day.
Kristen Schaal
You would let it go. You would let it find a new home.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
You wouldn't put up lost and found signs for your unit.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, because I have four more of them at home.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. And that's. That's human hair.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It surely is.
Kristen Schaal
And it's really nice. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know what the fun thing is? I shampoo and condition it in the shower on my head.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, Kristen, enjoy your life. Oh, my gosh. You really were. Well, that makes sense because it would keep the shape, too. Whereas if you were, like, in there.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Exactly. I did throw it into a paper bag on the way here.
Kristen Schaal
I have so many questions about that half Xanax. Are you going to pop it during?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, no, no. It's always an emergency.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's my. It's my cyanide pill.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. Like. Like. And is the emergency like. Like, you got a call from your ex and also your business manager. Oh, you're like. Like midsommar. Like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, it's. It's just. It's just. It's like, oh, this is what I say, or what I say, what they said on contact. There's a million reasons we can think of for you to take this, but mostly it's for the reasons we can't think of. Oh, isn't that interesting?
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Like the cyanide pill. She's like, I'm not. I didn't go all the way. I'm not going to travel all the way to space to just kill myself. And then she's like. They're like, listen, if you face. And like an excruciating. You Know, eternal torture or whatever.
Kristen Schaal
Right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Bite down on that little Tic Tac.
Kristen Schaal
Yes, yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Let them have it or let you know.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, no, it was a Tic Tac. Where'd I put it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
What about cyanide pills?
Kristen Schaal
What?
Katya Zamolodchikova
What about cyanide pill?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. What about him?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, I just. I rewatched Dune Part 1 last night, and he bites down on the tooth that releases poison.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I thought that was kind. So I. And I'm just wondering about. I'm glad that they don't exist because I think.
Kristen Schaal
How do you know they don't exist?
Katya Zamolodchikova
They probably do. Well, I mean, there's definitely, like, you know, maybe not a dental implant version, but something like a nasal spray.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Something very, very quick and easy.
Trixie Mattel
Today's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Wayfair. You guys, you can trust me. I am a home and garden television superstar. I have pieces in my house. By Wayfair. I'm going to tell you my little magic trick because I have a Hollywood Regency home. And so doing everything big and fabulous, but making it feel fancy and new, but still magically old school. I love antique shopping, etc. But I love mixing brand new with old. It's way day at Wayfair. From April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in the home, like 80% off with free shipping on everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly your style and fit your needs, from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials. And it's all on sale during weigh day. You guys, this is usually the time of year where I like to try to revamp my guest room. And I just read this book about home organization and they said you should make your guest room as much like a hotel room for your guests as possible. Like a little side table or a little coffee maker or little slippers and a robe. So I'm always trying to be critical when, like, if I was a guest in my guest room, what would I want? So I'm currently looking for a new rug that I'm going to put out because my guest room is just a little bit echoey. And if I was a guest and I feel like the whole room is echoing, I would feel like. Like I'm being loud, you know what I mean? So I'm looking for a new rug right now. And you guys, my esthetic is so wild, but my guest room is actually pretty muted. And so I'm looking for the right thing to add a little pizzazz without making my guest room as wild as the rest of my house.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And Wayfair makes it super easy to
Trixie Mattel
narrow down exactly what you need for your style and budget. Like for a rug, I could dial in the size I want, the color I want, and just look for that size and color of rug. Love it. And it was super easy to shop and order and receive. It just shipped to my house. Super easy, you guys. When I was doing Trixie Motel Season 2 and I was doing my house Wayfair. I mean, when I'm trying to pull the whole house together on like a TV timeline, Wayfair was wonderful because I could get things so quickly. Wayday is the day to shop for the best deals in home. We're talking 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to Wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every Style, Every Home
Katya Zamolodchikova
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Kristen Schaal
I'm thinking of something that I probably shouldn't bring up on the podcast. Cuz you said units. Oh yeah, you're like unit. Unit, unit. And I'm like unit. And I'm like oh, cuz my friend is studying unix.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, are you kidding me?
Kristen Schaal
Fascinating.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Called Cry to Heaven. Do you know about that?
Kristen Schaal
What? No, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book and we were talking about at a party. I learned something I didn't know.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh my God. Let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this because I know all about it.
Kristen Schaal
Great. It was like all of a sudden my mind because my whole life and I'm so sorry to the listeners.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. The people on the 4 or 5, the 110i 90 and math and 495 to Worcester in Massachusetts.
Kristen Schaal
You swing the get. Get your cyanide pills. You're going to be there for a while.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Put your blue blockers on. Put the hazards on. Pull over and bite down hard on that pillow.
Kristen Schaal
And bite down hard.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, bite down because if you don't
Kristen Schaal
go all the way through, you're gonna wake up and you're still there.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But put your hazards off.
Kristen Schaal
Living life's worth living.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It surely is.
Kristen Schaal
And even for these eunuchs. So I didn't real when my whole life when you said oh, you. They got. What do they call it when you get your.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So they get castrated.
Kristen Schaal
Castrated. And okay, so I thought everybody's balls came off. That's it. End of story.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
I didn't realize they would remove the penis as well and they would put a piece a little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate and like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee but they wouldn't have a penis. And they. The only good thing in my mind about a penis Is that you can stand up and pee. And they would deprive they'd have to sit like me.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. And spray everywhere.
Kristen Schaal
Everywhere, Everywhere. Just like phantom piss everywhere. Like a perfect pyramid all around.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Like, you have to get a funnel. You have to get a large, large
Kristen Schaal
funnel over the size of the funnel. What is it like to just have a. Just such an elegant stream of piss? 3, 5, 8 times a day?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I.
Kristen Schaal
How often do you piss? Like, what's the health pound?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, this is a. We. We come again to a very controversial talking point.
Kristen Schaal
Good thing it's my last time on the show.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And your last interview ever.
Kristen Schaal
It's drying up.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's a really great question. I think it's a good opener too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day? And have you today? I. I heard. So there's. There's. The jury is. Is hung on this.
Kristen Schaal
Don't say hug when we're talking, because I.
Katya Zamolodchikova
For the longest time, I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration. Healthy. Healthy.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But then I heard a counterpoint, which is that your. Your urine is a waste product.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You drink when you're thirsty.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Period.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. We're all. We really are all walking around with bottles of water like babies.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But like babies with their milk.
Kristen Schaal
Like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. No, the only time water is an emergency. Well, I mean, water is emergency very many, frequently times, but in. When I did. When I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s.
Kristen Schaal
Of course you did. You've done every trend. I know it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Balayage. I did. What is that? I did. Has mahjong ever entered the.
Kristen Schaal
The mahjong.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Mahjong. That's not a trend.
Kristen Schaal
No, I know how to play. I just took a class.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So does Julia Roberts. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God. Do you know how.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No. I'd love to learn, though. With Julia.
Kristen Schaal
Do you know they. Well, okay, I can't help you there.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Wait, wait, wait. Back. We have to go back to you next.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. Dang it. They always get forgotten. I know.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, what's the. So this is a plot point on one of my favorite show, the Game of Thrones.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So because the unsullied army is famously so. She asks. The dragon queen asks. So when they. You know, when they clip their. Their business, they take the twig and the berries.
Kristen Schaal
Right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And they.
Kristen Schaal
That must have gone over.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, apparently. Yes, they do. They take both of them.
Kristen Schaal
Both of them.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Both of them.
Kristen Schaal
They take them both.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But I.
Kristen Schaal
They had to hold on to them. They had to hold on to them
Katya Zamolodchikova
like the whole time.
Kristen Schaal
Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that. They would. They would put them in a box. This is my friend. And then. And to take them with them for so. Because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooc?
Kristen Schaal
I mean, or like a hat? Like. Like just like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, depending on how. I mean, I mean, usually they do. They do it quite young. So I'm not imagining it could be like. You could like maybe like bronze it. Make a brooch.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, a bronzed brooch would be great.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Or like a big.
Kristen Schaal
Like a belt buckle, which would be confusing.
Katya Zamolodchikova
A big open disguise. Like a. Oh, yeah.
Kristen Schaal
Like at a masquerade.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But so there is Anne Rice. Anne Rice wrote this book called Cry to Heaven.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Which was about. I read it in seventh grade and it was about Italian castrati, eunuchs, singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super, like, lusty. But I had it. I had a boner.
Kristen Schaal
Well, lucky you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, I know. I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body whilst reading this book. It's fabulous book. I don't know. She's. Anyways, they're making Tom Ford. Is making a movie about this based
Kristen Schaal
on the book or just really?
Katya Zamolodchikova
And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this?
Kristen Schaal
I will be sitting with you in the back row. Not the front, the back row for that film. I'm excited about this film.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I can't wait. I mean, Dune Part 3. Get out of here. Avenger, Avengers, Doom Today go off.
Kristen Schaal
We're. We're ready for the universe.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Get out of here.
Kristen Schaal
Well, you were talking about this. I think I might have brought this up. You're talking about getting a boner reading that book.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
The last time I got bricks turned on. Brick. What's brick?
Katya Zamolodchikova
It means hardened erect.
Kristen Schaal
That's. That's kind of hot.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I love it.
Kristen Schaal
I like it too. But I like. I think gentle but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it. And also. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
What's my favorite, My favorite version, My favorite. What do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like, I don't want to steal. I don't want like a concrete penis. I like one that is just starting to wilt. So it Has a little bit of pliability.
Kristen Schaal
Is it wilting because you did a bad job? Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, it's. Yes.
Kristen Schaal
Like, why did you care? Is it. Was it, like, because he's.
Katya Zamolodchikova
He just bit into the cyanide pill? No.
Kristen Schaal
No. Life's worth living. Just reiterate you or someone you know is struggling. No, no, no, don't do it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, don't. Don't do it.
Kristen Schaal
Don't do it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't take the pill. Don't. Don't even take the Xanax. And don't drive.
Kristen Schaal
Don't. Just. Oh, wait. Okay, so I was watching Wham. The Wham Documentary, Okay. And I was not George Michael. Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry. But the other Wham Guy, Andrew. And anyways. But George Michael is, like, in his, like, ear prime, and he is, like, singing, and he's moving his body in a. Like, just, like, provocative. And I'm, like, watching it in my living room, and all of a sudden I looked down and my hips were going like this. Towards the tv, towards George Michael, and I did it. I didn't know I was doing that, but it's just like. He's like. It's like, yeah, and my husband's over there, you know? But I was just, like, watching. You'd be singing, he'd be singing, and I'd just be like, up here. That's the only time that's ever happened.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Wow. The pat that. I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn that belt.
Kristen Schaal
Like, you'd wear a belt and jeans and just like. I don't even think he, like, was aware, you know, that's what's so hot. Like, it's just like. There is the. We've talked about George Michael. He's just like. The music's just, like, going through him.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Maybe he was aware, but I think he was aware.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You did it to, like, to glorious effects.
Kristen Schaal
Hey, but. But the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I got. I'm like, oh, yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It felt. He. He was in.
Kristen Schaal
He wasn't trying to.
Katya Zamolodchikova
He wasn't trying too hard, but he
Kristen Schaal
was getting me bricks.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I like to spell it like you can, but when it's for women, it's B, R, I, Q, U, E, D. Like briquette.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Off.
Kristen Schaal
Gross. I'm out.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, you are after this, unfortunately.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, no. This is the only podcast where people, like, happier that I'm here. Like, I read the comments and I'm like, oh, my God, this is when I'm feeling down. I go to the comments now.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, they will, yeah, they will never. They're going to turn on me and, and Trixie because we will have you. We'll have, you know, you. You will be sent away, but you
Kristen Schaal
will be sent somewhere. I'm gonna be, oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know, your daughter can visit.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Once a month.
Kristen Schaal
Once a month only.
Katya Zamolodchikova
This episode is sponsored by Zenny Glasses. I will confess something unbecoming of a great cinematic mind such as mine. For months, I was watching four hour director's cuts through a pair of glasses so scratched and exhausted they looked like they had survived the fall of the Roman Empire. I kept putting off replacing them because even in 2026, getting new glasses somehow feels like mounting a full scale prestige drama for the fickle audiences of today. The appointments are arduous. The waiting room's trite, the price is staggering. The entire process is filled with needless anguish. At a regular glasses place, my setup would have been about $320. I ordered from Zenny and paid $68. And frankly, I nearly gave Zenny a standing ovation right there in my living room. Zenny is an online eyewear shop with stylish prescription glasses, sunglasses and blue light lenses starting at under $30. You go to Zenni.com, pick a frame, upload your prescription, and they ship it to your door. No appointment, no store, no theatrical upsell. Now I have my regular pair for daytime movies and blue light glasses for those midnight screenings where I'm analyzing a Bulgarian allegory about a horse and still hoping to fall asleep afterward. And because Zenny is so affordable, I stopped asking, do I really need new glasses? And started asking, why not have a pair for every version of me? They have over 150,000 5 star reviews and a virtual try on so you can see exactly how the frames look before you commit. What changed once I had them? Everything in the films sharpened. The faces, the lighting, the emotional ruin from a character arc that truly cuts one's soul. Zeni I wear for everyone. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to zenni.com podcast and use code podcast15 for 15% off your first order. The style sell out, so don't sit on it. The that's Z-E-N-N-I.com podcast promo code podcast15.
Trixie Mattel
Today's episode of all in the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay, so my massage therapist, who I've been seeing for 10 years, for the first however many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together, whatever, and hope he texts me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated my self care. And what's great is my massage therapist. His website that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available. So instead of me having to like harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider. His time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website now for Squarespace, you don't have to be a massage therapist, let's say, um, let's say you're somebody who always did hair and makeup for people at, in high school and then you went to beauty school and now you're basically doing blowouts left and right or doing makeup for people. Wouldn't it be great if beyond social media you have somewhere people can find everything about what you do and your services. And what's great about Squarespace is you can also integrate your social media. So like if you are putting a big push on let's say your Instagram, you can embed this stuff or put direct links or anything like that. So people can also, if they're finding your website, they can use that to find your social media and vice versa. I also love that you can sell content. So let's say you're just. One of my favorite type of things is as a producer, a lot of my favorite plugins that I use for like saturators or bass effects or things that I put in my music, a lot of those are created by independent creators and so I can go directly to their website and buy my plugins from them. And this is the type of thing that if you're using Squarespace, you could do this too. Head over to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
Katya Zamolodchikova
This episode is sponsored by ro. I have to admit, when I first started hearing about GLP1s, I thought to myself, yet another health trend that's going to vanish the second the Internet finds a new obsession. But the more I've heard from people I know who use them, the more impressed I've been. Yes, weight loss can be a big part of it, but what really stands out to me is everything beyond the bathroom scale. More energy, better lab numbers, fewer cravings, and more self confidence. For a lot of people, that can make a huge difference as part of an overall health routine. Especially when weight is connected to so many other health conditions. It's almost as if the body is a complex organism and everything is connected. And honestly, the new pill option feels like a huge deal for people who think shots belong solely in horror movies. Yikes. Roe now offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It has the same weight loss ingredient as the shot and delivers comparable results. RO is also 100% online with free insurance checks, access to FDA approved medications, side effect management, dosing support, and unlimited provider messaging. For the many people I know who need GLP1s, I recommend RO. It's convenient, cost effective, and the new GLP1 pill is a game changer. Go to RO CO bald to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on RO. That's RO CO Bald. To get started on roll, go to Rode CO Safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications. Wait, so tell me about the Crystal Shell show. Yeah, because when can I see it at your. Netflix is a joke in May.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, because it's going to be May 7th and 8th at Dynasty Typewriter.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, is this gonna air by then?
Kristen Schaal
Okay, Tracy, please, please, please. Also May 12th, okay. At Largo.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, but it's tickets. Tickets. Tickets are sold out. I'm assuming Largo is like 14 people.
Kristen Schaal
What do you mean, 14 people?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, is it? Is it. Does Largo have many spaces?
Kristen Schaal
It's like over 200 seats.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, okay.
Kristen Schaal
But all three. All the venues are 200 seaters.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, so.
Kristen Schaal
But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I was. I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had vulnerability. Right now I was like, Madison Square Garden, the SOFI stadium. I am doing Coliseum in Rome.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, the Champs Elysees in Paris, France.
Kristen Schaal
I love it when you speak French. I love it. Well, so. And then also Edinburgh. We're doing five shows in Edinburgh. And one show. Yeah, and one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater. That's 1500 oh, baby, that's. Which I think they're probably gonna have to put some curtains up and like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, they just put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked.
Kristen Schaal
Yes, they will. And I will make all their bodies go like this.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And if they're not brick, they'll be holding their. Their castrated penises. Oh, man.
Kristen Schaal
Where are their penises?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I know, I know. I have. I have a male form, so I did. One of my secret shame little hobbies is. Is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret. Very secret.
Kristen Schaal
So how many rhinestones?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Covered, concrusted. They're. It's. They're quite beautiful.
Kristen Schaal
Now, when you're working out in the thong, are you working out in front of a full length mirror?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Of course.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. What's the point?
Katya Zamolodchikova
What's the point? Yeah, but I mean, it's like, would I do I want to stick just
Kristen Schaal
thinking about you working on it. Oh, my God, Katya, look at that shimmer. You're shivering and shining and you're.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, can I get you. Can I get you unbricked for a second? Yeah, please.
Kristen Schaal
Please.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I had to. I took one of the thongs out of my. Out of my backpack the other day. I had to hand wash a shit stain out of it. How's that? How do you like that one? The white thong?
Kristen Schaal
I got a lot of questions.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, I didn't shit in it, but, you know.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, but something happened. It was a skid, skid mark, because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I gave up?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Like, I was like, what? I'd be like, tick tock.
Kristen Schaal
I know. You need a bidet.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, well, yeah, okay. But I do. I need a new home.
Kristen Schaal
Okay, we're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I have gotten some of it remodeled, and it's just such a. Oh, my God, the people at home, they're gonna just. They're biting down on pills right now to hear. Hearing about this. No, it's just like an endless. It's an endless slog. But I just. I. It occurred to me this morning how. How privileged and. And. And truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home. Whether it's a yurt or like a temporary guest house in Mrs. Roper's backyard or whatever, or who knows? But. But like, I wished I could say that when I went home, I was like, honey, I'm home. Or, like, breathe outside of you, like oh, I'm home. Never happens.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. Has it ever happened in your whole life?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes. Yes.
Kristen Schaal
That's good too.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes, for sure. For sure.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I had a house. Bought it for way too much money, Sold it for not enough money. Lot. I mean, talk about, you want to talk about real estate deals?
Kristen Schaal
You're bad at them.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, baby, bad doesn't even begin. Like, I am the worst. So I would often come back to that place and be like, okay, I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts. But like, why'd you sell it? It's a complicated mixture of. It's a long story. I just like, there were no sidewalk. And I was on drugs. So anyways, so I thought about last night. I was up at. I got out of bed at 3:30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house.
Kristen Schaal
That's so scary.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Townhome or whatever you call it, a multi level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I, I could swear I was like, there's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, Jesus.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So maybe there's a rat. Yeah, maybe there's a pot.
Kristen Schaal
There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? Like there's some mojo. Like, oh, you can get a vibe.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I have. The vibe is so thick and vicious and plus, like it. I don't know, I probably. I've told the listeners so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer and this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess the, she was part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants. White, tight, white T shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool. Very glamorous. And she's like, what? No champagne? No cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this? And then she had had a Catholic priest with her doing, literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought there were evil spirits in there.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, geez.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Swinging incense.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I'm not joking.
Kristen Schaal
And did it feel better afterwards?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, I don't know. I left. I was only in the pool.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But like she was really, really concerned about it.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I was like, damn. Yeah, that's pretty.
Trixie Mattel
That's.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Although that's. I feel like that's a level of. That's kind of like a. I just
Kristen Schaal
want you to find peace at home. I, you know, you deserve it. You're a nice person.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, thank you, but do you.
Kristen Schaal
This is my last time on the podcast.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You have to be complimentary or else.
Kristen Schaal
Thank you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
There's no time.
Kristen Schaal
That was someone who does not believe it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, so as you're. So, wait, what is the most important part of a trilogy for you?
Kristen Schaal
I don't know. It's a. I mean, that's.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Do you enjoy trilogies?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, it's amazing if they can all three fit together.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
I guess the first one's the most fun because there's more questions unanswered.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kristen Schaal
Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Are you fudgeing kidding me?
Kristen Schaal
So it's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad. And. Yes. And I wear. I am the centaur. And my.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Is this one where you do the Swan Lake?
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
And I. And my whole thing is I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
But I'm a centaur.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And could you please explain to. The centaur is half horse, half woman.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Or C, E, N, T, A, U, R. Yes. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
Anyways, that's the show. And then I have. And then I. I played with. I'm. There's like. It's kind of a musical.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, I know. Watch out. Tony's.
Kristen Schaal
The songs are pretty good.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I'm sure they're great.
Kristen Schaal
But the whole thing is like. I. You know, I just. I just. You can't control what the audience's experiences with it, right?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, you can. Well, often you can.
Kristen Schaal
No, no, I. You know, they're gonna take what they.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, I see. Which. Well, you can control it while they're in the seat. Of course, with many different types of technology, but belts and shot collars and stuff. No phones. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
Anyways.
Katya Zamolodchikova
How many times have you done it?
Kristen Schaal
Four.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Jesus. So it's.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, it's very fresh. And I'm only gonna get to do it three more times. It's hard because. I know. Well, and then. And then Edinburgh, because John Roberts, who plays Linda on Bob's Burgers and is an incredible singer.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Julia's brother.
Kristen Schaal
Yes. Julia's brother.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. They don't talk.
Kristen Schaal
But they don't talk.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's fine. It's amicable. You know, it's a whole thing.
Kristen Schaal
Jealousy. But he's. He lives in New York, so that's why we only get to do it a few times. And then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit. But anyways, I just wonder if you would like it or not. I would mean a lot to me.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I would. I am. I am going to.
Kristen Schaal
Do you want me to comp you or like, what is it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, so I like. So here's.
Kristen Schaal
I mean, I'm doing this for free. Some of that ad money.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Let's take a break. So I saw. I watched last night. Of course I'm gonna fucking come. And second of all, I will pay my own money, thank you. Because I just recently came into a very small but modest but still impactful windfall.
Kristen Schaal
You did?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs and I didn't realize that they put my Venmo on the screen.
Kristen Schaal
I don't know what a wiggle gig is.
Katya Zamolodchikova
A wiggle gig is when you grow out and wiggle.
Kristen Schaal
Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Your tongue. All of it. I know. I'm trying to keep it together, but so I feel totally give you hundreds of dollars. Were you wearing a sequined thong?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I. No. So sadly with a shit stain inside. Oh, the shit stain is fine. Your secret. It's just that it's not a tug. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been encrusted. So it's untuckable.
Kristen Schaal
Shiny on the outside, stained on the inside.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of. Lover of life. That's me. So outside. Shit stain on the inside. Maybe that's my crystal special.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Oh, God. Not a crystal special. No. Yeah. So wait, so you're doing. So back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
They need help. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. You're struggling.
Kristen Schaal
I'm bleeding out on this one. Like it's. It's really expensive.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, this is like JLo those. This is me now. It's, you know, 20 million self finance.
Kristen Schaal
It really is. It's not like that, but it is a little. It. It does feel like a midlife crisis show. For sure.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, it's. I'm going to be there. Of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees, no discount and just
Kristen Schaal
like sorry in advance if you don't like it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Listen, I would never. I. The last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home.
Kristen Schaal
What was it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, I was 11, though.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, Jesus. You like everything after that, so I don't trust your opinion at all.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, no, no, no. I just. I. Then I. That was the biggest lesson I've learned to. To temper my expectations.
Kristen Schaal
What was it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, it was a cirque. Du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10 and I comp. I became completely obsessed. Like, you know, it's like, I don't know, imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves on a different planet and then you found wolves.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, that's how you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God, this I can't believe. Anyways, they had another show in 1995. That was in 93. Two years of anticipation.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, I'm talking xing off days on the calendar for, for like nine months.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We went there the first moment, I was like, it's so small. It's so small. It's just. That's it? Yeah, that's it.
Kristen Schaal
I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like, like your new house, you know?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, but I cried on my home. It's diabolical. And I've since grown to love the show. I saw five more.
Kristen Schaal
Sure.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Anyways. Yeah, but so I, I, I, with movies and stuff, you know, I mean, I love, I, I can't remember the last time I went to the theater in like, was really like. I don't really go to the theater that much. But the chances of the short. Long story short. I know. Too late. The chances of me not liking your show are so slim.
Kristen Schaal
That's true.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know, Come on.
Kristen Schaal
We kind of get each other.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. I feel like we have something. We're both eunuchs. We both have a non infected copper
Kristen Schaal
to why the thong fits so good.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Not infected, uninfected copper pee holes. Oh, wait, wait. So I didn't finish. Oh yeah, the water. So I say if you're pee clear, you must be clear. You know, clear, clear, clear. P equals health. Well, does your have to be clear?
Kristen Schaal
Sure. Okay, I see where we're going.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So your urine is a waste product and you're. So when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little. They would always love to spout these little pseudo scientific facts and aphorisms about, you know, enlightenment or whatever. There's like where we're, when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. So I do a little research and there's really no scientific data, peer review data to, to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. Yeah, it's purely temperature regulations. Your skin.
Kristen Schaal
Well, yeah, that's like Saying like, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to
Katya Zamolodchikova
release through my skin. Yeah. Like the kidney. I'm going to, I'm going to like twist my kidneys into, in the. Pump them up in action.
Kristen Schaal
You know why you guys are so sick? You're not twisting your organs.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, but that's so. That's. You're joking. That's really what we were hearing.
Kristen Schaal
Oh geez.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, Rinsing the organs, like twisting the, like the viscera in the. To like detoxify. And through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell because what is actually in your sweat is you have water, a little bit of salt and a very, very, very, very trace amount of like chemicals. Like, I don't know, like metal. Metal. Yeah, Very, very, like just a little bit of. A little bit of copper, zinc and all over them. No, but very, very trace. Trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys detoxify your body. And they don't need to sweat it out. No, they don't need to sweat it. They don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing and also can be very invigorating and a nice fun little whatever. But that kind of bullshit makes me, it burns me up.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, because they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Oh yeah. And I did. Sometimes it took three hot yoga classes a day. 90 minutes.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Isn't that insane?
Kristen Schaal
That is insane.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Insane. Yeah, Go to it. Go to a 9:00am 9 to 10:30?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
11:30 to 1. And then I go back from 7:30 to 9 fucking free.
Kristen Schaal
Okay, so what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Drink water and peed. No, it just. But so when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all, this was all courtesy of a doctor I followed online, obgyn, who is, she's really into debunking myths and like, and like, you know, because so much of the TikTok and whatever is like people are watching 10 second clips of like, actually you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home, just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean?
Kristen Schaal
And you know, everybody's got an opinion on both sides.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Right, right.
Kristen Schaal
Always.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And all a lot of like weird like, you know, We've, you know, we. I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter hey. And she turned out great. Like, you know, like so. But I thought.
Kristen Schaal
Were you breastfed?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I was. I. Yeah. Probably by too many breasts.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Three months.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
That's probably why you're so smart.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, I had a huge. I was a huge baby.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. It took a lot. It was a 25.
Kristen Schaal
You're £25 coming out.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, £25 in the womb.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I was like. I think by the time I hit that table, I was like, 30.
Kristen Schaal
Huh.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And then it was. That's really big.
Kristen Schaal
That is a big baby.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. No, I was like. I was nine pounds and a couple ounces, which is still a big baby.
Kristen Schaal
Ruby was nine. My baby was nine and a half pounds.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's tough.
Kristen Schaal
They were like, do you want to have a natural birth or do you want. Is it okay if we cut her out?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
And I was like, let's just cut
Katya Zamolodchikova
her out because that chop you in half and just pull out.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, that baby's big.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. I. I had. My childhood best friend was £11.
Kristen Schaal
I've heard about an 11 pound baby that's really big. Okay, sorry. Back to the peak. All people want to hear. They're like, hang.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Please let me finish the story.
Kristen Schaal
This is your last episode. Pill, like bouncing on their teeth. Like, I just want to know about the pee.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So long story Short, by the way,
Kristen Schaal
that's a good TV show.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No shit.
Kristen Schaal
Have you been watching it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, no, I thought, oh, it's a real show.
Kristen Schaal
It's called Long Story Short and it's on Netflix. I'm not involved in it in any way, except for it's by the creator of BoJack Horseman.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
And it's. It follows a Jewish family, but they. And they time. Jump.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Jump. Okay.
Kristen Schaal
I think it's really brilliant.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, great. I'm looking for. Is it a comedy?
Kristen Schaal
It's a comedy for adults.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
So they say, like I said, let Ruby watch them. They're like orgasm, ejaculate and stuff. And I'm like, let's fast forward. You know,
Katya Zamolodchikova
as far as she's concerned, everybody's a eunuch. So that makes.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, yeah. You know, she knows what penises are. Oh, yeah, I know she's seen them and she's jealous that you get about the elegant street, so.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, I have a point on that, which I completely forgot.
Kristen Schaal
You were everywhere. We're everywhere. We need to have a five hour podcast.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, we need to have A highlight. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
I will never. I will never do that. I will never do that.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I will. And I applaud your decision to do that, because you know why? And we'll get back to pee in a second. It is unnecessary.
Kristen Schaal
It just seems so uncomfortable.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You have no. So I am the worst. Out of all the people in my life, the only person I know who sweats more than me is my dad. And every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class.
Kristen Schaal
Just a normal yoga.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Normal yoga. You can be doing yoga in the Arctic in the tundra in our booty shorts, and we'll be sweating our asses off. Imagine a class filled with a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat, and I'm talking about. I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch and a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall.
Kristen Schaal
Sure.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six, four. Some people are.
Kristen Schaal
List all the sizes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes. We got five, one. We got five, two. We got five, three. Now what are all these people doing?
Kristen Schaal
Sweating.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Sweating. And not just sweating when they're. When we're. When we're bent over. The sweat is. Is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool.
Kristen Schaal
It's stinky. It's.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's still. It's more than. It doesn't even have the chance to get stinky.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, exactly.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Just a
Kristen Schaal
wall of.
Katya Zamolodchikova
A wall of humid, hot, wet, nasty.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I had to change. I had to bring two thick beach towels to put over my mat because I had to change towels mid class.
Kristen Schaal
Right, because you were going to do two more classes later.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, for the one class.
Kristen Schaal
Jesus.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Do you mind? You have any of the laundry I racked up? Do we know.
Kristen Schaal
I mean, crazy.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So. So.
Kristen Schaal
But did you look good?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I guess I enjoyed it. I mean, I. Yeah. Yeah. And then I got trained to teach it and I. Then I.
Kristen Schaal
You got. You trained to be a hot yoga?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, just a yoga. Just to be. Just a.
Kristen Schaal
You could teach yoga to me.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I could. I could. Could reasonably and legally charge you for a yoga class today.
Kristen Schaal
Now that would be a fun podcast yoga with Katya.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You know, I. But get this, though.
Kristen Schaal
You have to wear that thong.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No. Yes, I paid you money, but that's what. I will not fall into the trap, because every yoga guru turns out to be a raper. Oh, a grape. Or. Sorry? Graper.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, really?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, I didn't know that.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, it's.
Kristen Schaal
Will you be the First, I'd be the first to not be.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I'd be the first non graping crystal thong wearing gay guru.
Kristen Schaal
I feel like if you were teaching me and your thong was just like catching. The white is a prism that I. It would take my mind away from how boring yoga was.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I. We're gonna. I'm gonna counter your suggestion and suggest that we swap the Lululemon and. And the alo or wherever the. You saw all the. The fancy neoprene athleisure stuff. We do all crystal accessories like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal whatevers for the. For the students.
Kristen Schaal
Okay. I have another question. Is it sharp?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Great question. Yeah, it is. So when we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting. It's not going to be the most comfortable. And if. Because these stones are glass.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
If you fall, say you're rolling and one happens to break. It is a dangerous opportunity.
Kristen Schaal
We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequins.
Katya Zamolodchikova
We could do sequins, little ones with
Kristen Schaal
like some foam around each one.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Or we could do a metallic, very reflective, kind of like stretchy nylon. That's been done, I think. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Kristen Schaal
We're like broaching new fashion here, so maybe.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Maybe it's like you protect your own inner thighs. That's not my problem.
Kristen Schaal
It is your problem. If you're gonna go, you know, public, it's all underground.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, so. So my pee is yellow.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I am not ashamed of that.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, no, no, no.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Because I drink when I'm thirsty.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And that's.
Kristen Schaal
How often are you thirsty?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Right now.
Kristen Schaal
Yum.
Katya Zamolodchikova
To your last podcast ever.
Kristen Schaal
Ah, thank God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. You know, one. Yeah. One is good. Two is great. Three is enough.
Kristen Schaal
I.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So. So you're excited. I mean, so are you. The ongoing projects, though, like Louise Belcher, is that still. Is that old hat still going?
Kristen Schaal
It's still awesome.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Still awesome. Do you still love it?
Kristen Schaal
I still love it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, voice work, promise to be amazing. Do you wear. What do you wear? Do you dress up, like tuxedo pants and everything?
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, tuxedo pants and everything
Katya Zamolodchikova
else I have in my closet.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Layer.
Kristen Schaal
You know, the. I have a lot of. Really? I like clothes a lot and I collect them. I would say that would be what I collect is clothes. And. And when I get excited because I. Because when I think of a new clothing item, I imagine myself in the future wearing it and I'm having a Great time in my fantasy. And then. And I need to start having fantasies of me in my old clothes, though.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, no, that's okay. That will happen naturally. Yeah, that'll happen naturally. I really relate. And I have part of. Like, I was. This is one of the questions I was thinking about on the way here. I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff. I think hobbies are important and it's. I think it's like. If you like Trixie, for example, most of her hobbies, she's ingeniously found a way to monetize, which is incredible, you know.
Kristen Schaal
So are they hobbies anymore?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I would. I would argue that they're not.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But they're also really not. They're. Because they've become enmeshed in her professional Persona, whatever. And she makes money from them. I think that's not a hobby. You spend money on a hobby.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, you spend money on a hobby. Like money. The Legend of Crystal.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You're going to. That's going to. I mean, that's going to get you out of debt. It's got to be. I mean, because I'm going to buy the whole theater.
Kristen Schaal
Oh. You know, I like to draw.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay.
Kristen Schaal
And.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And.
Kristen Schaal
And I think writing is a hobby too, for me, since I don't get paid for that. But I'd like to. Oh, boy, would I like to.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I went. I started. So I have. I make clothes.
Kristen Schaal
You do not.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I do and I did. I wear.
Kristen Schaal
Are you wearing anything? Everything is very well tailored.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, no.
Kristen Schaal
Whoops.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, it's laundry day. Laundry day. But you know what?
Kristen Schaal
I know it's got two different.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's not an affectation, kind of an
Kristen Schaal
olive greenish gray and then a black sock.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? The diabolical.
Kristen Schaal
You know what? It kind of. Kind of goes with the. With the. You know. What do they call that?
Katya Zamolodchikova
With plaid?
Kristen Schaal
No. You know, when you get your hair. It's something a u. Where you get your hair kind of like goes from. It's called an ombre. I feel like it's an ombre situation.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I got. Somebody gave me. Gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road by. If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say, like, what's your favorite movie? You say the Mirror by Tarkovsky.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And then that's like, sure fire way to be like, oh, wow.
Kristen Schaal
You.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You're cool. You're cool, man. Really Cool. I. Sorry about that. But I got. So the point is precious moments and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you, because I got. I got a cover stitch, so I love sewing costumes, stage wear, but I'm branching out, taking off all my stuff.
Kristen Schaal
Do not stop talking.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So I got a cover stitch.
Kristen Schaal
Ooh, I like your tattoos.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time.
Kristen Schaal
You do?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, no, but. So, see this stitch right here? This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, I'd say, right? Yeah, that's the COVID stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most.
Kristen Schaal
Like, they fold it and they double stitch it.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So like a knit. Like, I. Sewing as a hobby. Oh, my God. So fascinating. Because you will never be great at it. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. One, one, one, one, one, one will never be great. Like you. It's a. It's a. It's such a. It's such a broad. Like, there's so many, like, different elements to it, and there are, you know, people who are. Who devote their entire lives to, like, a certain fabric. Do you know what I mean? Like, like lace appliques or embroidery or whatever. So it's like something that is really, really daunting, but you will. It's always challenging, and it'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a serger, which means I could make a T shirt like this.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, wow.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And I'm talking. I'm talking, like, for real, though.
Kristen Schaal
No, I know. What about screen printing?
Katya Zamolodchikova
That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawer, and I do have access to puffy paint. Yeah, I drew this one.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, yeah. Nice.
Katya Zamolodchikova
She's. She's scary.
Kristen Schaal
That's good. Yeah, it's very scary. Have to have it on you, I guess.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But. So that's so. But basically it's coming on Friday, and I can't wait.
Kristen Schaal
Oh. Because, you know, too with T shirts, they're my favorite garment, but it's the material. Like, if. Like, I'll go to a show. I always want to buy a T shirt at shows, and then the material is rough, and I never wear them.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Or what you could do is, like, what is your favorite band is playing at the. You know, the Garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is an xl, you know, like. God damn it. Yeah, you fucking bring that XL blouse over to me.
Kristen Schaal
Bring it to cut, and I'm going
Katya Zamolodchikova
to slice it and dice it and Serge it and cover. Stitch it to fit your tiny, like, tiny. Sexualized.
Kristen Schaal
Over.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Over sexualized by Hollywood body.
Kristen Schaal
Well, so the sewing. My mom is a sewer. And it's, you know, it's hard to find. It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like, we have to go. She lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only store that will fix her sewing machine and you know what I mean?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah, I do.
Kristen Schaal
I'm sure in LA it's a little bit.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, it's a little bit better. Not since all this drama with. With. With ice and everything and. Because the downtown area has been a very different story.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And like, I have personal. There have been people that friends of mine and I have known who are. Have not heard from in a minute. And I'm not saying that. Whatever.
Kristen Schaal
Well, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So it's like, you know, it's, it's. It's like, it's a whole different. But yeah, there's. There's a ton of. There's a guy, Carlos, who I had an industrial. The hard thing about sewing is that the equip. The gear gets really expensive. It's like photography.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I could never afford photography in high school because the. The lab fees were so expensive. So expensive. I mean, in college, I mean, it's shocking how.
Kristen Schaal
Because I remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever, and I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, the fabric.
Kristen Schaal
I was like, what?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, the fabric. Don't even get me started. I'm talking about this machines. I. I bought. I went to Mood Fabrics, which is like. I think they're made famous by Project Runway.
Kristen Schaal
Of course.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I mean, we're going to Mood.
Kristen Schaal
I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Mood is. When I walk into Mood, I got to do double panties for the brickness because it's like, it's. I. And I always end up making the most horrible choices. I need to go in there with two chaperones.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, you need a friend. Yeah. Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Because I either buy something in something that's so dazzling but the wrong color or whatever. I bought four yards of trim at a hundred and fifty dollars a yard.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, my God.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That is very. That's trim.
Kristen Schaal
That's like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's just trim.
Kristen Schaal
Yikes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Gorgeous.
Kristen Schaal
For. What are you putting it?
Katya Zamolodchikova
I don't know. That's the problem. There's no Vision.
Kristen Schaal
Would it go on? Like. No. Would it go. Pillows like the s. Like, this is
Katya Zamolodchikova
for costume stage wear.
Kristen Schaal
Oh. So trimming like sleeves like cowboys. What's going on?
Katya Zamolodchikova
So I'm in. I'm in an area. I'm in an era of my life. I'm sorry to make it all about me on your last episode. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Kristen Schaal
You are the star. I've only got this show, the Legend of Crystal Shell, which is, I've been told is highly entertaining, but maybe not very deep by my high school friends.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Very not deep.
Kristen Schaal
Well, it might not be deep enough for some people.
Katya Zamolodchikova
To me, maybe they lack the. The bandwidth to. To. To plunge to the depths that it requires. I want to go.
Kristen Schaal
The show is. My agent said we. We watched Mike Birbiglia's show and she's like, I need you to do something like this. You know? And I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response and it is actually very autobiographical. Lovely through.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Do you love doing it? You've done it four times.
Kristen Schaal
I've done it four times. I love it. Wait, I. But yes, I love it. I love it. Come, come, come.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no. And this is serious. Can you zoom in a little bit? Like.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah, that's.
Katya Zamolodchikova
You talk to that one.
Kristen Schaal
Do it. She's. There's one person.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, we'll do it. Post. We'll do a post.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, so that's your. And just like, please, for the price of about 15 lattes, you and a friend can also. Who also buy 15 lattes, could attend one of the most. Not one of the most, surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal. Often imitated, often tried to duplicated. But she's inimitable and induplical. Indubitable. And it is her swan song, her last show, her last project.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. God, you might be right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no. So you have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a eunuch.
Kristen Schaal
Ooh, by the way, great dates again. May 7th and 8th at Dynasty typewriter and May 12th at Largo.
Katya Zamolodchikova
And you could think about it as a birthday present for me because my birthday's on the birthday them first, so a lot of people.
Kristen Schaal
Happy birthday.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Thank you.
Kristen Schaal
Do you want to hear the birthday song my husband and I made up to sing? 5, 6, 7, 8. Birthday boy. Birthday fun. Birthday fun. You can also say girl. Birthday girl. Birthday fun. Birthday girl. You're number one. Happy birthday. Love ya. It's interchangeable.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I love that. I Love that.
Kristen Schaal
Just cut that out, please. Gross. God. Ah, the flap sweat. Speaking out loud enough. Flap sweat yoga.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, funny you should say that. I taught. My first and only class I taught was co. Taught with a girl. Guess what it was called? Flop sweat Queer yoga. Now what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay?
Kristen Schaal
Right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Nobody asked. Nobody answered.
Kristen Schaal
But they showed up. They showed up.
Katya Zamolodchikova
A few people did. It was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time. Total disaster. What won't be a disaster is your show.
Kristen Schaal
But thank you. Wait, can we just. Cause Tracy's like kicking me off the show. And like, there's like security guards.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. You have a Lincoln Town Car. It's not an suv. I'm so sorry. But it's. But they have air conditioning.
Kristen Schaal
Okay, you said the. You're in a new era. And. And then. And then I interrupted or something and I want to know what. With the fringe of the material for Mood. You're in a new era sewing wise. And please, we have to.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, so I. I got this. Just the most incredible. I'm gonna show it to you because this is the inspiration. Although this will. You know when that whole. That stupid meme of like when I ordered it and then when it actually came.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Like from. From. From Gucci, from Amazon. You know, that kind of thing. My friend just calling me it. The. The. The. The inspo. This is what I'm trying to do. So these jewels, they see that. See that gorgeous, like glittery.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Like sheer mesh thing. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Yes. See now the way that flow problem with that is that she has this jeweled underwire bra that are. That are propping up her large breasts.
Kristen Schaal
Right.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So it's a bigger structure and she's got large breasts.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
In a tiny waist and a very li. Body.
Kristen Schaal
But you could have all those things.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I bought. I went to Mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that Look. Spend about $900.
Kristen Schaal
That's nothing.
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's nothing. It's literally nothing at me.
Kristen Schaal
They're probably mad at you.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's probably. It was probably more than that. But it was like. But. Yeah. So. And I get it in the. But I get it in blush. Like a champagne blush.
Kristen Schaal
No, no.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's gonna make me look fat as a house.
Kristen Schaal
It's not gonna pop. You know, it's just gonna like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's gonna.
Kristen Schaal
It's gonna blend with your skin tone.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, it's like, what are you. Go to the.
Kristen Schaal
What happened?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, I was in a.
Kristen Schaal
Did the blush look good on the shelf, at least?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Fabulous on the shelf. What it's going to look like me is trash.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I should have got a green.
Kristen Schaal
Like this. Like this.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, it's gonna.
Kristen Schaal
It's like more berry.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, no, it's like a champagne. Like a champagne.
Kristen Schaal
It's like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's almost like.
Kristen Schaal
Like tan.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No,
Kristen Schaal
you got beige.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, it's a champagne.
Kristen Schaal
Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless sparkle with a bit of bay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
It's like a rose. A blush. It's like a sparkling wine rose.
Kristen Schaal
Some are orange.
Katya Zamolodchikova
The point is, it's not slimming. It's. It's gonna. It's going to offer no contrast. It's going to be. It's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. Yeah, it was a big mistake. Huge.
Kristen Schaal
Can you return?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Absolutely not. All sales are final.
Kristen Schaal
And this is a silly question, but can you diet in any way?
Katya Zamolodchikova
My roommate, who. Or my. My studio mate who just called me. He. His answer would be like, of course you can.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, he thinks he could dye anything, right? Yeah. But no, no, absolutely not.
Kristen Schaal
Could you put. Okay, last question. Could you put, like.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I could trade because.
Kristen Schaal
Is it a little bit translucent at all?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, well, it's. It's a. It's a mesh, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
So the color under.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. But then now we're adding bulk to an. To an already.
Kristen Schaal
But you need that structure.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, right, but I've already got an under structure. This is. I know. You could die the understudy in the car right now.
Kristen Schaal
I know they are. We've lost a. We lost them so long ago, though. I don't even care.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. Like. Oh, yourself.
Kristen Schaal
This is for us. This is the last. No, I'll never see Katya again.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But it's gonna be a challenge. Like the Tim Goes Dishonors or. I don't even know what he talks. I haven't seen the show, but.
Kristen Schaal
You haven't seen the show?
Katya Zamolodchikova
No.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, it's so fun.
Katya Zamolodchikova
I'm sure it is.
Kristen Schaal
I saw it when I was younger. I was, like, there for the first season.
Katya Zamolodchikova
But the point is, my cover stitch machine and I won't.
Kristen Schaal
Three times, but boring.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So what I'm gonna do when I come to see your show at the Dynasty Typewriter and at the Netflix. As a joke thing.
Kristen Schaal
No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo.
Katya Zamolodchikova
At Largo, but for the Netflix.
Kristen Schaal
Part of Netflix is a joke.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, but that thing is like some amorphous.
Kristen Schaal
They care more about Seth Rogen show. Don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, wait. Can I share some personal triumph? Of course I know we're going along. I don't care. Care. The. The.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, Ruby, Ruby. Sitting in the school office. Go on.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, my God.
Kristen Schaal
That's your child.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Okay, okay, okay, we gotta go. I forgot too.
Kristen Schaal
Okay, okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
All right, babies. Okay, go get your 8 year old. But one thing, one last thing. We're playing a show at the Wiltern, Bald and Beautiful live at the Wheel Turn and. But just at the Wil. Just recently at the Wiltern. That's so. I. That woman I just showed you, that's a singer from Russia or from Ukraine. I saw her live recently. Great, lovely. Kind of.
Kristen Schaal
Is she a fan of you?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Uh, I don't think so. I did a. I did a parody of her song. Yeah, that I think. She doesn't think is that fun? But I'm not sure about that. But her publicist did give me free tickets, so that sounds. Yeah, but I. So I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Verka Serduchka with a. This. She looks very, very quickly. I swear I won't keep you. She looks so insane.
Kristen Schaal
Can I lift up your sleeve, please? Oh, God, yeah. Your tattoos are really fun.
Katya Zamolodchikova
They're. They're, they're. They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. So that's. That's her.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, I like that. I like that hat.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. So she was in the movie Spy.
Kristen Schaal
Okay.
Katya Zamolodchikova
She had a cameo in the movie.
Kristen Schaal
She's a good movie.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yeah. And when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out and she's a man in a. In a. In a. In a fat suit with like an aunt. She plays an auntie character. A full band plugged in. I mean, saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like. Or the band was probably 15 people with including dancers. And just like, it was Nonstop high energy. 40, like a. Like a 90 minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring, that during the encore, halfway through, I had to make my way to the back because I had a headache. I was so like, oh, my gosh. Geeked and gooned. So I was just saying, that's your
Kristen Schaal
Cirque duo la now.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Yes, exactly. So I was, you know, it defied expectations And I know that's what your show is going to do. Good.
Kristen Schaal
Oh, wow. You tied it up real pretty.
Katya Zamolodchikova
So please go visit Kristen Shaw at Crystal Shell.
Kristen Schaal
It's the legend of Crystal Shell.
Katya Zamolodchikova
She cockettishly admits there's no website for it. Well, we'll have all the details, and this will come out soon.
Kristen Schaal
But you can get. You can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram.
Katya Zamolodchikova
There you go.
Kristen Schaal
And as soon as I show in, someday, I'm gonna take Instagram and I'm gonna light it on fire because I'm so done with social media.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, you and me both. Only my only. I have another Instagram that look at football butts, and that's about it.
Kristen Schaal
That's great, but do you notice that it's, like, taking over your brain like a real parasite?
Katya Zamolodchikova
Are you kidding me?
Kristen Schaal
I mean, I'm scared.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Are you kidding me? It's like. What's. What's. What do you mean? What's wrong with this?
Kristen Schaal
It's like. Oh, wait, let me text. Let me text back. Let me text back the. The.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Oh, yeah, hold on. I just need to. I just need to. Yeah, I just need to remove this note from a patient's, you know, esophagus. It's crazy.
Kristen Schaal
It's crazy. People on the street.
Katya Zamolodchikova
On the street, in the bathroom.
Kristen Schaal
People crossing the street during sex.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Gay sex.
Kristen Schaal
Are you kidding me right now?
Katya Zamolodchikova
That's a whole nother can of worms. Which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. Thank you so much for being here.
Kristen Schaal
That if you are doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Jail. Yeah.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolle book, the Power of Now.
Kristen Schaal
Yeah. Beautiful. Goodbye, everybody.
Katya Zamolodchikova
This is the end. The Avengers end game.
Kristen Schaal
Yes.
Katya Zamolodchikova
This is. This is our Lord of the Rings.
Kristen Schaal
Well, I don't understand why I can't come back someday.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, we'd have to do a reboot, and Hollywood loves that.
Kristen Schaal
It's because Trixie hates me. It's like, only when Trixie's gone.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Well, we'll have to do. She'll. She'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I won't love it.
Kristen Schaal
Thank you so much, guys.
Katya Zamolodchikova
No, thank you, Sam. And Doug. There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help
Kristen Schaal
someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row
Katya Zamolodchikova
at a comedy show.
Kristen Schaal
Hey, everyone.
Katya Zamolodchikova
Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Together we're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a quote@libertymutual.com or with your local agent. Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty.
Kristen Schaal
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Release Date: April 21, 2026
Featured Guest: Kristen Schaal
Host: Katya Zamolodchikova (Trixie Mattel absent this episode)
This episode is a wild, free-form ride with Katya and returning guest Kristen Schaal, completing what’s described as a "trilogy" of Kristen appearances. With Trixie away, the drag comedy podcast leans hard into the hilarious and the unhinged, as Katya and Kristen zigzag through topics like Hollywood eccentricities, the science and social lore of eunuchs and “units,” bespoke home drama, hot yoga pseudoscience, costume-building woes, and Kristen’s new solo show. The chemistry between Katya and Kristen blazes throughout, delivering laugh-out-loud riffs, affectionate roasting, and moments of surprising sincerity amid the chaos.
True to Katya and Kristen’s comedic DNA, this episode is rich in camp humor, affectionate shade, and spur-of-the-moment tangents, balanced by candid glimpses of vulnerability and affection. The language is frank, irreverent, and explicit, with plenty of “overshare” moments that fans love.
This episode is a perfect showcase of The Bald and the Beautiful’s signature blend of drag absurdity, Hollywood gossip, medical mythbusting, surreal sex talk, and heartfelt queer community. Even in the chaos, there’s clear affection and respect as Katya and Kristen celebrate the strange, the beautiful, and the bricked.
Note: All advertisements and sponsorship readings have been omitted in this summary, preserving only conversational, content-rich sections.