Kristen Schaal and the Science of "Bricked" with Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Episode: Kristen Schaal and the Science of "Bricked" with Katya

Release Date: April 21, 2026
Featured Guest: Kristen Schaal
Host: Katya Zamolodchikova (Trixie Mattel absent this episode)

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Overview

This episode is a wild, free-form ride with Katya and returning guest Kristen Schaal, completing what’s described as a "trilogy" of Kristen appearances. With Trixie away, the drag comedy podcast leans hard into the hilarious and the unhinged, as Katya and Kristen zigzag through topics like Hollywood eccentricities, the science and social lore of eunuchs and “units,” bespoke home drama, hot yoga pseudoscience, costume-building woes, and Kristen’s new solo show. The chemistry between Katya and Kristen blazes throughout, delivering laugh-out-loud riffs, affectionate roasting, and moments of surprising sincerity amid the chaos.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Podcasting, Hollywood, & The Art of the “Intro”

• Messy Podcast Structure: Katya laughs about the show’s infamous lack of formality before launching into a hilariously elaborate, faux-poetic introduction for Kristen (06:34).
  • Quote (Katya): "My guest tonight in her today—see, it’s not even—maybe they’re watching this at night. Okay. You don’t know."
• Final Interview, Trilogy & Sacredness of Three: Katya jokes that this is Kristen’s "final interview," honoring the sacredness of the number three (03:39). Kristen plays along with faux gravitas.

Units, Systems, and the World of Wigs

• The Hairpiece Chronicles:
  • Katya details the technical and social aspects of wearing "units" (toupees) and transforming them into "systems." There’s deep knowledge of glue, maintenance schedules, and the ultimate drag fear—losing a hairpiece in public. They also riff on the distinction between wigs, units, and systems in drag and Hollywood contexts (13:01–16:08).
  • Quote (Katya): "When the unit becomes a system, it’s when there are multiple… there’s an installation process involved."
• Wig Emergencies & Xanax:
  • Katya reveals a go-bag includes a wet wig and half a Xanax, "just in case," likening it to the cyanide pills in movies like Contact and Dune (16:44; 17:06).

Eunuchs, Castrati, and the Science of "Bricked"

• Eunuchs and Body Lore:
  • An unexpectedly fascinating tangent explores the history and biology of eunuchs, inspired by Kristen’s friend studying the subject, and fueled by Anne Rice’s Cry to Heaven. Kristen is shocked to discover the use of copper or glass tubes (23:25–24:06).
  • Quote (Kristen): "They would put a little copper tube in there… so they could continue to urinate and like, the main cause of death would be that it wouldn’t work and they couldn’t like pee."
• Castrati, Pop Culture, and Horniness:
  • Katya reminisces about being "bricked up" reading Anne Rice’s novel as a teenager and celebrates the news of a Tom Ford movie adaptation (27:40–28:27).
  • “Bricked”: The hosts unpack the slang "bricked" (“hardened, erect”) and discuss preferences for degree of "rigidity" (29:01).
  • Quote (Katya): "What do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80% ... I like one that is just starting to wilt so it has a little bit of pliability."

The Science (and Pseudoscience) of Bodily Processes

• Pee, Hydration, and Hot Yoga Myths:
  • Extended, oddly riveting discussion about how often people pee, what color healthy pee actually should be, and pseudoscientific claims made by hot yoga instructors about ‘detoxing’ through sweat (25:47–52:05).
  • Quote (Katya): "There’s really no scientific data ... that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. It’s purely temperature regulation."
  • Quote (Kristen): "Well, yeah, that’s like saying, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I’m going to push down on it a little bit and it’s going to release through my skin."
• Sweat and Yoga Horror Stories:
  • Katya explains bringing multiple towels to hot yoga and why every class is "hot yoga" for a heavy sweater (56:09–57:03).

Hollywood, Stage Life, and Schaal’s New Show

• Show Promotion:
  • Kristen plugs her solo show, The Legend of Crystal Shell, with dates at Dynasty Typewriter, Largo, and in Edinburgh (37:40–39:44). She playfully bemoans the cost and emotional risk of solo performance.
• Playwriting & Centaur Musicals:
  • Kristen describes her new “centaur confronts her horse dad” musical, involving Swan Lake and surrealist humor (44:24–45:06).
• Industry Silliness:
  • The duo roast industry “quirky” typecasting, citing Julia Roberts’ legendary smile and Hollyweird rumors (08:19–11:46).

Personal Habits, Hobbies, and Making Things

• Fashion, Rhinestoned Thongs, and Secret Shames:
  • Katya confesses to wearing rhinestone-encrusted thongs while working out at home (39:07–40:11), detailing the indignity of laundering a white thong with skid marks.
• Sewing as Hobby & Money Pit:
  • Both discuss sewing, with Katya breaking down the challenges of buying fancy trim from Mood Fabrics and the slippery slope into expensive costume-making (65:15–67:32).
  • Quote (Katya): "I bought four yards of trim at a hundred and fifty dollars a yard... That’s trim. That’s just trim."
• Social Media Addiction:
  • Both agree that Instagram and social media are parasitic, consumption-addled time sucks, with Katya using a burner for "football butts" and Kristen dreaming of digital liberation (77:34).

On Friendship, Community, and Comedy

• Affectionate Roasts and Parting Sincerities:
  • Kristen expresses gratitude for the podcast’s uniquely loving fancomments. Katya reiterates her support, promising to attend Kristen’s show and buy tickets at full price.
• Goodbyes (for Now):
  • Persistent jokes run throughout about this being Kristen’s last ever podcast appearance—Kristen says she’ll return if there’s a reboot.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the "unit" (wig) world:
  • Katya: "The unit stays. And you got to go for touch-ups. I would say probably once a week." (14:50)
• On “bricked” and sexual arousal:
  • Kristen: "The last time I got bricked—what’s brick?" (28:56)
  • Katya: "It means hardened, erect." (29:01)
• On yoga pseudoscience:
  • Katya: "There’s really no scientific data, peer review data to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration." (51:15)
• On costumes gone wrong at Mood Fabrics:
  • Katya: "I need to go in there with two chaperones... I bought four yards of trim at a hundred and fifty dollars a yard." (67:05)
• On social media:
  • Kristen: "Someday, I’m gonna take Instagram and I’m gonna light it on fire, because I’m so done with social media." (77:35)
  • Katya: "Oh, you and me both. Only—my only, I have another Instagram that looks at football butts, and that’s about it." (77:42)
• On industry rivalry:
  • Kristen: "They'll just cast Zooey Deschanel as the quirky one." (08:29)
• On forming habits:
  • Katya: "If you like Trixie, for example, most of her hobbies, she’s ingeniously found a way to monetize, which is incredible... but they’re not hobbies anymore." (61:04)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:32 – Katya and Kristen open with “trilogy” jokes and intro banter
• 06:34 – Katya’s epic and playful introduction for Kristen
• 13:01–16:08 – The science and perils of wigs, “units,” and hair systems
• 22:22–24:06 – On eunuchs, copper tubes, and ancient body modification
• 27:40–29:13 – “Bricked,” Anne Rice’s Cry to Heaven, and sexual excitement
• 37:40–39:44 – Kristen promotes The Legend of Crystal Shell
• 56:09–57:03 – Katya’s hot yoga horror story: "Every class is a hot yoga class for me”
• 61:04–62:07 – The fine line between hobbies and work in show biz
• 65:15–67:32 – The cost and temptation of Mood Fabrics
• 77:34–78:05 – Social media addiction and its brain-numbing effects
• 78:50–79:11 – Parting words and jokes about reboots and trilogies

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Tone and Style

True to Katya and Kristen’s comedic DNA, this episode is rich in camp humor, affectionate shade, and spur-of-the-moment tangents, balanced by candid glimpses of vulnerability and affection. The language is frank, irreverent, and explicit, with plenty of “overshare” moments that fans love.

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For New Listeners:

This episode is a perfect showcase of The Bald and the Beautiful’s signature blend of drag absurdity, Hollywood gossip, medical mythbusting, surreal sex talk, and heartfelt queer community. Even in the chaos, there’s clear affection and respect as Katya and Kristen celebrate the strange, the beautiful, and the bricked.

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Note: All advertisements and sponsorship readings have been omitted in this summary, preserving only conversational, content-rich sections.

Transcript

[Kristen Schaal]

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How's my hair? So wet. It'll be dry by the end of the episode.

[Kristen Schaal]

It does look good, though.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, thank you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you, thank you.

[Kristen Schaal]

Right, does it look good or is it. Is it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I have you.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's look right in the case.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're rolling. Oh, it is a little hole. It's a little skew. Look into the camera. It's like, oh, I'm. I'm taking. I'm looking at.

[Kristen Schaal]

Just pull it down on the right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah, a little bit.

[Kristen Schaal]

Because if I don't fix this, then you won't air my episode.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That is so true.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's basically like when you take a picture with someone and you never see it again because they looked bad even. Yes, yes, it looks. And it looks good. It looks like you just like, rolled

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

out of bed, which is what happened. And it takes a little. As you know, as a woman in Hollywood, it takes about two and a half hours to get that bed head scrunch.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes, it does that. Or the other. The other look is. Is the beach hair.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, that's what we're talking about.

[Kristen Schaal]

Two hours are like, look what we did. And I looked in the mirror. I'm like, what the. I could have done that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Nothing has changed. I'm just putting my do not disturb on. I'm not watching porn.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Watching porn.

[Kristen Schaal]

Watching porn on your iPhone. It feels like the porn stars could watch you back.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I have never thought of that. I would think that the evil porn kings are. Or like the. The. The people who are, you know, the. At the top of the porn mountain. Or like the evil guys with. They're watching you back.

[Kristen Schaal]

I love that they're on a porn mountain. Mountains are kind of the porn dogs of nature. Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's the title. The porn dogs of nature. Okay. In order. So in order for people to, like, understand, we always just like. We'd always just like. We don't really start or end the podcast. It kind of just. It like clips on and where it goes and then it just abrupt. So I'm going to give you a proper intro because this is actually the third time.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're completing a trilogy.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's. Yeah. This, as Tracy said, this will be it for me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is it.

[Kristen Schaal]

She said. This will be my last interview.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And so in her last interview.

[Kristen Schaal]

I don't know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it's because the number three is very holy, very sacred.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. And people. Very definitive people want something new.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something. Okay. Okay. And I briefly used. On the way here, I was. I was in a panic, so I rushed out, paper bag, wet hair. This hair. Ran out of the house, shirt unbuttoned, pants unzipped. And I had a shopping bag, a paper bag full of a wet wig, a bottle of water, a half a Xanax just in case. And then. And then like, a whole bunch of other crap. And I got in the car, lovely driver. And he. And I was like, what would artificial intelligence do to, like, say. What would Katya say about Kristen Schaal? And it was so bad. It was so corny. And it was like. And it's not even. And I don't even want, like, to read it because it made me so depressed at the same time, like, oh, thank God,

[Kristen Schaal]

your voice.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, it was like. It was like zany and hijinks and like, things like that are like words. Corny words used to describe a theme or a tone or whatever that I suppose you could apply to me, you know? But it was just like. Yeah, it was like a simultaneous relief. But also it's like, well, I just used it. It's like, I just. It's like, does that knife really stab people? And I just stab someone?

[Kristen Schaal]

You know how the Gmail was starting to rewrite Everybody's emails. So I figured out how to turn it off.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So that's that.

[Kristen Schaal]

Because it was like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That happened next.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, it's awful. So. So you can get it turned off. But it was like. It did show me how bad of a writer I am.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I.

[Kristen Schaal]

And I was like, okay, this is. This is. Everyone's gonna know that I. That I'm faking this. Because it doesn't have five exclamation marks after every sentence and it doesn't have like, like, and just. And very, very, very. Like, like, like, just, just.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That is so fucking funny you said that. Because I intentionally kept at least four typos. Like I had. Yes. With three S's.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And then a long couple of like two periods. And then dot, dot, like space, space, space, space, space. Thank you. No comma, Brian. Like, I was just like, that's enough. They'll get the info and I don't want your help.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, Mr. Gmail. It's really creepy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's creepy. And I watched a clip of. Oh, sorry, hold on. Back to the intro.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, sorry. My last intro.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. In her final performance in her swan song, Swan Lake. Yep.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, did you see the show?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I'm dying too.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, okay, okay. Can we talk about it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Duh. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. It's part of my intro. My guest tonight in her today. See, it's not even. Maybe they're watching this at night. Okay. Yeah. You don't know.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, you're going to read the A.I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to read my own version of it. Okay, okay. Today we are blessed with a trinity. A eulogy for our guest whose final performance will not only reverberate through the halls of podcasting, but through the Audio. Rock and Roll hall of Fame. From the bunny ears of Louise Belcher on Bob's Burgers to the tech chaos of My Spy, the Eternal City and the. And the blood soaked sensuality of vampire politician, the Guide. Yeah, yeah. And what we do in the shadows. She's built a career. Oh, this is this. Okay. She's built a career on being one of the most distinct voices in the business. Returning to the big screen in Toy Story 5 and taking her surreal solo show, the Legend of Crystal Shell, to the Netflix is a joke fest. She's funny, she's fabulous, and she represents to us the confluence of beauty, talent, and untamed and unbridled sexuality.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not done.

[Kristen Schaal]

Sorry. I just. That's what an untamed sexual person would do. Sorry, sorry.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're often wondering what is the exact confluence of all of the perfect qualities of a human being and they are here tonight in one human form. Kristen, Sharon, welcome.

[Kristen Schaal]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was like, she's zany. And the hygiene. Yeah, like, oh, fuck off.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, fuck off with that. I'm quirky.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah, she's quirky. She's quirky. What's it like? What's it like being a quirky lady and a leading lady? Hollywood. You want to be a leading lady in Hollywood with a queen Quirky lady.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like, it doesn't matter because they'll just cast Zooey Deschanel as the quirky one.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Who are your nemeses?

[Kristen Schaal]

I don't have any nemesis.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I think you do. Julia Roberts.

[Kristen Schaal]

What a sandy mouth.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Huge.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Huge. Huge. With that smile is not only. It's dazzling, it's dangerous.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. I think she could fit a whole mango in there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We better call. I bet George has seen her do that on Lake Como.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, for sure, for sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, I've heard a lot about. I'm obsessed with. Anytime I go anywhere near a Hollywood production set, you know, I ask anybody who is working, there's like, have you worked with Julia Roberts? Have you worked with Julie Roberts? Have you worked with Julie Robertson? And then anybody else who they worked with. And I haven't really got a lot of juicy gossip yet, but I did get some gossip that says she's very, very, very nice to men.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And that was this.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. And was that a woman saying it? I got a little juicy gossip from her. I was. Yeah, not from her, but someone was telling me because I worked on. What was it called? It was my parents favorite movie I ever made, A Walk in the Woods. I had four lines, but it was with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. So they. That finally I did something that's like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's like. Holy.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, it's pretty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like the Mount Rushmore.

[Kristen Schaal]

It, you know, like my, like the disappointing thing about that movie is that I was only on that set for like maybe two days because they would start like talking about like the day they hung out with Marilyn Monroe. Monroe. And, and who's that guy that wrote Of Mice and Men?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, John Steinbeck.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, Steinbeck. You know what I mean? Like they lived the whole culture, right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. There is like the American culture started and stuff. Yeah. Robert Redford, did he die recently?

[Kristen Schaal]

That's the rumor. That's the rumor. But I don't know, I don't know if it's true. I think he's just tired of the spotlight and he's just, like, faked it. There's no doubt. He's just, like, living in Topanga Canyon, just like breathing a sigh of relief

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

in a hot spring that he created underground. Underground.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, the. Oh. So the gossip was, is that we were like, you know, working past the. There's. Sometimes there's penalties if they make you stay longer, whatever. And. And the. I just heard that when that would happen on the set with Julia Roberts, you. You are actually supposed to give them cash for the hours, the penalty every hour. Like, give them cash.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Give the actors cash?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, with the actors. Well, she would ask for it in cash before she would agree to do it. And then she would take the cash. And it wasn't like what. It was like the penalty for the union. So it was like, you know, a hundred dollars an hour or whatever. But she would know. She would divide it up with her hair and makeup people. People. So they could walk home with cash.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So. That's awesome.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. So.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ever.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what, Whoever told me that thing about Julia Roberts, I think maybe they had spun it. She said she gets. I think that I would. The part I missed was she only gets along with men because she loves women.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what I mean? Maybe she merely gets along with it. Maybe.

[Kristen Schaal]

But I mean, like, that's the thing. Sometimes you're just feeling men more than women, and sometimes you're feeling women more than men. And. Yeah, also sometimes you grow out of that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Sometimes you grow up and you stop being sexual. Sometimes you just shake that off. I. Oh.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ooh. Oh. I. I do have to get this out of the way because it's on my mind every time I look at you. Is that your skin is glowing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

Did you put makeup on?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I. No.

[Kristen Schaal]

No. It doesn't look like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like fresh faced glow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm telling you. I.5am running out of the house with wet hair.

[Kristen Schaal]

You look amazing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Don't stop. I'm. Now I'm going to start looking crazy. I.

[Kristen Schaal]

Because you're thinking about your face.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And I'm going to beat red.

[Kristen Schaal]

Have you ever turned. You're gorgeous.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my God. Shut up. Could you be more specific?

[Kristen Schaal]

I mean, like, your cheekbones are really pretty and your head is like shaped nice.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's just that. It's just that. It's the unit. It's the unit. But I have to. I have to.

[Kristen Schaal]

What?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, it's. This is what you call a men's. A unit.

[Kristen Schaal]

It is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, you can call it a toupee, but it's not exactly that because it's just like. It's like cuz a toupee goes with

[Kristen Schaal]

the rest of the hair. And this is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. And I don't have any.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, this is like striking.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Actually. This could be. I mean I suppose it is a toupee because I could conceivably have this. This sort of like hair around here.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like I thought it was a wig.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I would call it a wig too.

[Kristen Schaal]

But then you're. But because unit seems like when you say unit I'm thinking about like dick.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh. Because the. But then we could say that's my unit. System. System. What about a system?

[Kristen Schaal]

Then there's be more than one moving part. Well that's so that's just like when the system.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The hair system gets. That's where it gets interesting. Because when the unit becomes a system, it's when there are multiple. There's an installation process involved. Guess that you're gonna love. This is great.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like glue. Like with glue and a hat or.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So you go to scarf sunglasses.

[Kristen Schaal]

I can't. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A neck brace and then.

[Kristen Schaal]

And a bag over your head.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So you go. I would see I had. The problem is I have all gray hair. Whatever's. Whatever wood growing on in my head is absolutely gray, gray, gray.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, that's beautiful though. Like Steve Martin.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, that is like just like Steve Martin. In a full head of it too. Total full head. Just like Steve Martin. Yes. Or. And so if I did that, I would go to the barber or go to the specialty barber in the basement through a tunnel. Because you don't want anybody to see this happen.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Through the window. You know what I mean?

[Kristen Schaal]

Because you don't want to give away your secrets.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no. So. So they. They put the unit on your head, they glue it on with like epoxy resin or something crazy. Not really that, but. And then they cut. They give you a haircut and they blend your. The unit into your hair. But you have to go back for maintenance because of course your hair grows, but the unit. The unit stays.

[Kristen Schaal]

Doesn't grow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And you got to go for touch ups. I would say probably once a week.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's too much.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No shit. Because some of now I'm telling you, some of these guys I've seen in real life have unclockable systems.

[Kristen Schaal]

Systems.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Systems. Because they have to. The way that they seamlessly blend their, you know, back inside hair into the. The. I mean, I'M talking like a skin fade.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And it's unbelievable.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's beautiful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You would never know unless you grabbed it and. Yay.

[Kristen Schaal]

I was gonna ask about that in a fight.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, it would be.

[Kristen Schaal]

It would hurt.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't think it would hurt.

[Kristen Schaal]

You don't think that the glue would pull up some scalp?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I don't. It could probably. It would definitely, like, be like, some. I don't think, like, blood, but it would be, like, pulling off a really, really hard sticker or like.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like a band aid. Like a hurtful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. And it may be even blood. But who knows what they put on these days. I know they don't go swimming in these. Oh, well, I don't know that. I just assumed that. But it would be the ultimate humiliation, which is so fascinating to me, because if this thing blew off in Chicago, say, yeah. I would be like. And then I would just continue with my day.

[Kristen Schaal]

You would let it go. You would let it find a new home.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

You wouldn't put up lost and found signs for your unit.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, because I have four more of them at home.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. And that's. That's human hair.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It surely is.

[Kristen Schaal]

And it's really nice. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what the fun thing is? I shampoo and condition it in the shower on my head.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, Kristen, enjoy your life. Oh, my gosh. You really were. Well, that makes sense because it would keep the shape, too. Whereas if you were, like, in there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exactly. I did throw it into a paper bag on the way here.

[Kristen Schaal]

I have so many questions about that half Xanax. Are you going to pop it during?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, no. It's always an emergency.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's my. It's my cyanide pill.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. Like. Like. And is the emergency like. Like, you got a call from your ex and also your business manager. Oh, you're like. Like midsommar. Like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, it's. It's just. It's just. It's like, oh, this is what I say, or what I say, what they said on contact. There's a million reasons we can think of for you to take this, but mostly it's for the reasons we can't think of. Oh, isn't that interesting?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like the cyanide pill. She's like, I'm not. I didn't go all the way. I'm not going to travel all the way to space to just kill myself. And then she's like. They're like, listen, if you face. And like an excruciating. You Know, eternal torture or whatever.

[Kristen Schaal]

Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bite down on that little Tic Tac.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes, yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Let them have it or let you know.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, no, it was a Tic Tac. Where'd I put it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What about cyanide pills?

[Kristen Schaal]

What?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What about cyanide pill?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. What about him?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I just. I rewatched Dune Part 1 last night, and he bites down on the tooth that releases poison.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I thought that was kind. So I. And I'm just wondering about. I'm glad that they don't exist because I think.

[Kristen Schaal]

How do you know they don't exist?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They probably do. Well, I mean, there's definitely, like, you know, maybe not a dental implant version, but something like a nasal spray.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Something very, very quick and easy.

[Trixie Mattel]

Today's Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Wayfair. You guys, you can trust me. I am a home and garden television superstar. I have pieces in my house. By Wayfair. I'm going to tell you my little magic trick because I have a Hollywood Regency home. And so doing everything big and fabulous, but making it feel fancy and new, but still magically old school. I love antique shopping, etc. But I love mixing brand new with old. It's way day at Wayfair. From April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in the home, like 80% off with free shipping on everything. Wayfair makes it easy to find exactly your style and fit your needs, from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials. And it's all on sale during weigh day. You guys, this is usually the time of year where I like to try to revamp my guest room. And I just read this book about home organization and they said you should make your guest room as much like a hotel room for your guests as possible. Like a little side table or a little coffee maker or little slippers and a robe. So I'm always trying to be critical when, like, if I was a guest in my guest room, what would I want? So I'm currently looking for a new rug that I'm going to put out because my guest room is just a little bit echoey. And if I was a guest and I feel like the whole room is echoing, I would feel like. Like I'm being loud, you know what I mean? So I'm looking for a new rug right now. And you guys, my esthetic is so wild, but my guest room is actually pretty muted. And so I'm looking for the right thing to add a little pizzazz without making my guest room as wild as the rest of my house.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And Wayfair makes it super easy to

[Trixie Mattel]

narrow down exactly what you need for your style and budget. Like for a rug, I could dial in the size I want, the color I want, and just look for that size and color of rug. Love it. And it was super easy to shop and order and receive. It just shipped to my house. Super easy, you guys. When I was doing Trixie Motel Season 2 and I was doing my house Wayfair. I mean, when I'm trying to pull the whole house together on like a TV timeline, Wayfair was wonderful because I could get things so quickly. Wayday is the day to shop for the best deals in home. We're talking 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. Head to Wayfair.com April 25th through the 27th to shop Wayday. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every Style, Every Home

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

this episode is sponsored by ZBiotics. I personally do not drink, as I prefer to remain alert, perched on the edge of the evening like a watchful, decorative bird. But I recently went to a wedding where everyone else surrendered themselves completely to joy, to dancing, to champagne flutes trembling in the soft candlelight. They gave in to the kind of open bar optimism that convinces a grown man he should attempt to breakdance for the first time in his 40s. Whenever a wedding burns that brightly, you expect the next morning to look like a faded Renaissance painting of smudged mascara, stained satin, and someone whispering to a plate of scrambled eggs at a continental breakfast as though they contain divine judgment. And yet, at this particular wedding, shockingly, everyone arrived looking like regular human beings. They were dressed, they were speaking in full sentences. One woman was buttering toast with the steady hand of a surgeon. It was all due to zebiotics. Zebiotics Pre Alcohol Probiotic Drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it when you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a buildup of this byproduct, not dehydration. That's to blame for rough days after drinking. Pre alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember to make pre alcohol your first drink of the night. Drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. From the fairways in Augusta to the first pitch of baseball season and the start of festival circuits, April is a sprint of outdoor celebrations. Don't let a rough next day keep you on the sidelines. Drink pre alcohol to stay ahead of the game and make the most of every sunny Saturday. Go to ZBiotics.com bald to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use Bald at checkout. Zebiotics is backed with 100% money back guarantee, so if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember to head to zbiotics.com baldwin and use the code bald at checkout for 15% off.

[Kristen Schaal]

I'm thinking of something that I probably shouldn't bring up on the podcast. Cuz you said units. Oh yeah, you're like unit. Unit, unit. And I'm like unit. And I'm like oh, cuz my friend is studying unix.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, are you kidding me?

[Kristen Schaal]

Fascinating.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Called Cry to Heaven. Do you know about that?

[Kristen Schaal]

What? No, she didn't tell me her sources, but she's thinking about writing a book and we were talking about at a party. I learned something I didn't know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh my God. Let's talk about it. I can't wait to talk about this because I know all about it.

[Kristen Schaal]

Great. It was like all of a sudden my mind because my whole life and I'm so sorry to the listeners.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. The people on the 4 or 5, the 110i 90 and math and 495 to Worcester in Massachusetts.

[Kristen Schaal]

You swing the get. Get your cyanide pills. You're going to be there for a while.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Put your blue blockers on. Put the hazards on. Pull over and bite down hard on that pillow.

[Kristen Schaal]

And bite down hard.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, bite down because if you don't

[Kristen Schaal]

go all the way through, you're gonna wake up and you're still there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But put your hazards off.

[Kristen Schaal]

Living life's worth living.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It surely is.

[Kristen Schaal]

And even for these eunuchs. So I didn't real when my whole life when you said oh, you. They got. What do they call it when you get your.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So they get castrated.

[Kristen Schaal]

Castrated. And okay, so I thought everybody's balls came off. That's it. End of story.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

I didn't realize they would remove the penis as well and they would put a piece a little copper tube in there or a glass tube so they could continue to urinate and like the main cause of death would be that it wouldn't work and they couldn't like pee but they wouldn't have a penis. And they. The only good thing in my mind about a penis Is that you can stand up and pee. And they would deprive they'd have to sit like me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And spray everywhere.

[Kristen Schaal]

Everywhere, Everywhere. Just like phantom piss everywhere. Like a perfect pyramid all around.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like, you have to get a funnel. You have to get a large, large

[Kristen Schaal]

funnel over the size of the funnel. What is it like to just have a. Just such an elegant stream of piss? 3, 5, 8 times a day?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I.

[Kristen Schaal]

How often do you piss? Like, what's the health pound?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, this is a. We. We come again to a very controversial talking point.

[Kristen Schaal]

Good thing it's my last time on the show.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And your last interview ever.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's drying up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's a really great question. I think it's a good opener too. It's like, so how many times do you piss in a regular day? And have you today? I. I heard. So there's. There's. The jury is. Is hung on this.

[Kristen Schaal]

Don't say hug when we're talking, because I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

For the longest time, I was under the impression that your pee must be clear. That indicates hydration. Healthy. Healthy.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But then I heard a counterpoint, which is that your. Your urine is a waste product.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You drink when you're thirsty.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Period.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. We're all. We really are all walking around with bottles of water like babies.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But like babies with their milk.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. No, the only time water is an emergency. Well, I mean, water is emergency very many, frequently times, but in. When I did. When I started hot yoga back in the early 2000s.

[Kristen Schaal]

Of course you did. You've done every trend. I know it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Balayage. I did. What is that? I did. Has mahjong ever entered the.

[Kristen Schaal]

The mahjong.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mahjong. That's not a trend.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, I know how to play. I just took a class.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So does Julia Roberts. She does on Tuesday nights with her friends.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God. Do you know how.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No. I'd love to learn, though. With Julia.

[Kristen Schaal]

Do you know they. Well, okay, I can't help you there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, wait, wait. Back. We have to go back to you next.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. Dang it. They always get forgotten. I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, what's the. So this is a plot point on one of my favorite show, the Game of Thrones.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So because the unsullied army is famously so. She asks. The dragon queen asks. So when they. You know, when they clip their. Their business, they take the twig and the berries.

[Kristen Schaal]

Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And they.

[Kristen Schaal]

That must have gone over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, apparently. Yes, they do. They take both of them.

[Kristen Schaal]

Both of them.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Both of them.

[Kristen Schaal]

They take them both.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But I.

[Kristen Schaal]

They had to hold on to them. They had to hold on to them

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

like the whole time.

[Kristen Schaal]

Either in the Chinese or Egyptian or something like that. They would. They would put them in a box. This is my friend. And then. And to take them with them for so. Because they couldn't enter into the afterlife unless their bodies were whole.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, wow. What about a necklace or like a brooc?

[Kristen Schaal]

I mean, or like a hat? Like. Like just like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, depending on how. I mean, I mean, usually they do. They do it quite young. So I'm not imagining it could be like. You could like maybe like bronze it. Make a brooch.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, a bronzed brooch would be great.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Or like a big.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like a belt buckle, which would be confusing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A big open disguise. Like a. Oh, yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like at a masquerade.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But so there is Anne Rice. Anne Rice wrote this book called Cry to Heaven.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Which was about. I read it in seventh grade and it was about Italian castrati, eunuchs, singers, boys. And it was a very sexual, super, super, like, lusty. But I had it. I had a boner.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, lucky you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, I know. I had the privilege and the honor and the pleasure of having a boner attached to my body whilst reading this book. It's fabulous book. I don't know. She's. Anyways, they're making Tom Ford. Is making a movie about this based

[Kristen Schaal]

on the book or just really?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And do you have any idea how the penis that's attached to my body will be bricked up for this?

[Kristen Schaal]

I will be sitting with you in the back row. Not the front, the back row for that film. I'm excited about this film.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I can't wait. I mean, Dune Part 3. Get out of here. Avenger, Avengers, Doom Today go off.

[Kristen Schaal]

We're. We're ready for the universe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Get out of here.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, you were talking about this. I think I might have brought this up. You're talking about getting a boner reading that book.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

The last time I got bricks turned on. Brick. What's brick?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It means hardened erect.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's. That's kind of hot.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I love it.

[Kristen Schaal]

I like it too. But I like. I think gentle but hard. You know what I mean? It's like we build our houses with it. And also. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What's my favorite, My favorite version, My favorite. What do you call it? Level of rigidity would be about 80%, 75%. So it's like, I don't want to steal. I don't want like a concrete penis. I like one that is just starting to wilt. So it Has a little bit of pliability.

[Kristen Schaal]

Is it wilting because you did a bad job? Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, it's. Yes.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like, why did you care? Is it. Was it, like, because he's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

He just bit into the cyanide pill? No.

[Kristen Schaal]

No. Life's worth living. Just reiterate you or someone you know is struggling. No, no, no, don't do it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, don't. Don't do it.

[Kristen Schaal]

Don't do it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't take the pill. Don't. Don't even take the Xanax. And don't drive.

[Kristen Schaal]

Don't. Just. Oh, wait. Okay, so I was watching Wham. The Wham Documentary, Okay. And I was not George Michael. Yes, it's George Michael and Andrew Reynolds. I think I'm saying the name right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry. But the other Wham Guy, Andrew. And anyways. But George Michael is, like, in his, like, ear prime, and he is, like, singing, and he's moving his body in a. Like, just, like, provocative. And I'm, like, watching it in my living room, and all of a sudden I looked down and my hips were going like this. Towards the tv, towards George Michael, and I did it. I didn't know I was doing that, but it's just like. He's like. It's like, yeah, and my husband's over there, you know? But I was just, like, watching. You'd be singing, he'd be singing, and I'd just be like, up here. That's the only time that's ever happened.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wow. The pat that. I mean, talk about smoldering sensuality. Damn that belt.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like, you'd wear a belt and jeans and just like. I don't even think he, like, was aware, you know, that's what's so hot. Like, it's just like. There is the. We've talked about George Michael. He's just like. The music's just, like, going through him.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Maybe he was aware, but I think he was aware.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You did it to, like, to glorious effects.

[Kristen Schaal]

Hey, but. But the intention was still so pure that it didn't feel manipulative. It just felt like I got. I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It felt. He. He was in.

[Kristen Schaal]

He wasn't trying to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

He wasn't trying too hard, but he

[Kristen Schaal]

was getting me bricks.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I like to spell it like you can, but when it's for women, it's B, R, I, Q, U, E, D. Like briquette.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Off.

[Kristen Schaal]

Gross. I'm out.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, you are after this, unfortunately.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, no. This is the only podcast where people, like, happier that I'm here. Like, I read the comments and I'm like, oh, my God, this is when I'm feeling down. I go to the comments now.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, they will, yeah, they will never. They're going to turn on me and, and Trixie because we will have you. We'll have, you know, you. You will be sent away, but you

[Kristen Schaal]

will be sent somewhere. I'm gonna be, oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, your daughter can visit.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Once a month.

[Kristen Schaal]

Once a month only.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This episode is sponsored by Zenny Glasses. I will confess something unbecoming of a great cinematic mind such as mine. For months, I was watching four hour director's cuts through a pair of glasses so scratched and exhausted they looked like they had survived the fall of the Roman Empire. I kept putting off replacing them because even in 2026, getting new glasses somehow feels like mounting a full scale prestige drama for the fickle audiences of today. The appointments are arduous. The waiting room's trite, the price is staggering. The entire process is filled with needless anguish. At a regular glasses place, my setup would have been about $320. I ordered from Zenny and paid $68. And frankly, I nearly gave Zenny a standing ovation right there in my living room. Zenny is an online eyewear shop with stylish prescription glasses, sunglasses and blue light lenses starting at under $30. You go to Zenni.com, pick a frame, upload your prescription, and they ship it to your door. No appointment, no store, no theatrical upsell. Now I have my regular pair for daytime movies and blue light glasses for those midnight screenings where I'm analyzing a Bulgarian allegory about a horse and still hoping to fall asleep afterward. And because Zenny is so affordable, I stopped asking, do I really need new glasses? And started asking, why not have a pair for every version of me? They have over 150,000 5 star reviews and a virtual try on so you can see exactly how the frames look before you commit. What changed once I had them? Everything in the films sharpened. The faces, the lighting, the emotional ruin from a character arc that truly cuts one's soul. Zeni I wear for everyone. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to zenni.com podcast and use code podcast15 for 15% off your first order. The style sell out, so don't sit on it. The that's Z-E-N-N-I.com podcast promo code podcast15.

[Trixie Mattel]

Today's episode of all in the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. You guys, I have to talk about this. Okay, so my massage therapist, who I've been seeing for 10 years, for the first however many years of him being my massage therapist, I would just text him and say, when can we work together, whatever, and hope he texts me back or hope he was in the same time zone or not busy or whatever. And over the years as my arthritis developed, now massage has become not a luxury, but kind of like something I really incorporated my self care. And what's great is my massage therapist. His website that he built makes it possible for me to go in there and select time slots that are available. So instead of me having to like harass his personal cell phone, I can go through the proper channel, which really respects him as a service provider. His time, his space. And he's able to do that because he's built his own website now for Squarespace, you don't have to be a massage therapist, let's say, um, let's say you're somebody who always did hair and makeup for people at, in high school and then you went to beauty school and now you're basically doing blowouts left and right or doing makeup for people. Wouldn't it be great if beyond social media you have somewhere people can find everything about what you do and your services. And what's great about Squarespace is you can also integrate your social media. So like if you are putting a big push on let's say your Instagram, you can embed this stuff or put direct links or anything like that. So people can also, if they're finding your website, they can use that to find your social media and vice versa. I also love that you can sell content. So let's say you're just. One of my favorite type of things is as a producer, a lot of my favorite plugins that I use for like saturators or bass effects or things that I put in my music, a lot of those are created by independent creators and so I can go directly to their website and buy my plugins from them. And this is the type of thing that if you're using Squarespace, you could do this too. Head over to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This episode is sponsored by ro. I have to admit, when I first started hearing about GLP1s, I thought to myself, yet another health trend that's going to vanish the second the Internet finds a new obsession. But the more I've heard from people I know who use them, the more impressed I've been. Yes, weight loss can be a big part of it, but what really stands out to me is everything beyond the bathroom scale. More energy, better lab numbers, fewer cravings, and more self confidence. For a lot of people, that can make a huge difference as part of an overall health routine. Especially when weight is connected to so many other health conditions. It's almost as if the body is a complex organism and everything is connected. And honestly, the new pill option feels like a huge deal for people who think shots belong solely in horror movies. Yikes. Roe now offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It has the same weight loss ingredient as the shot and delivers comparable results. RO is also 100% online with free insurance checks, access to FDA approved medications, side effect management, dosing support, and unlimited provider messaging. For the many people I know who need GLP1s, I recommend RO. It's convenient, cost effective, and the new GLP1 pill is a game changer. Go to RO CO bald to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on RO. That's RO CO Bald. To get started on roll, go to Rode CO Safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications. Wait, so tell me about the Crystal Shell show. Yeah, because when can I see it at your. Netflix is a joke in May.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, because it's going to be May 7th and 8th at Dynasty Typewriter.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, is this gonna air by then?

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, Tracy, please, please, please. Also May 12th, okay. At Largo.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, but it's tickets. Tickets. Tickets are sold out. I'm assuming Largo is like 14 people.

[Kristen Schaal]

What do you mean, 14 people?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, is it? Is it. Does Largo have many spaces?

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like over 200 seats.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

But all three. All the venues are 200 seaters.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so.

[Kristen Schaal]

But thank you for assuming that I could only really get a theater that has 14 seats.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I was. I was going to comment on the insanity of you choosing a theater that only had vulnerability. Right now I was like, Madison Square Garden, the SOFI stadium. I am doing Coliseum in Rome.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, the Champs Elysees in Paris, France.

[Kristen Schaal]

I love it when you speak French. I love it. Well, so. And then also Edinburgh. We're doing five shows in Edinburgh. And one show. Yeah, and one show in London on August 17th at this huge theater. That's 1500 oh, baby, that's. Which I think they're probably gonna have to put some curtains up and like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, they just put mannequins in. And guess what? They'll be bricked.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes, they will. And I will make all their bodies go like this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And if they're not brick, they'll be holding their. Their castrated penises. Oh, man.

[Kristen Schaal]

Where are their penises?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know, I know. I have. I have a male form, so I did. One of my secret shame little hobbies is. Is attaching rhinestones to thongs and then wearing them secretly while I work out at home. Secret. Very secret.

[Kristen Schaal]

So how many rhinestones?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Covered, concrusted. They're. It's. They're quite beautiful.

[Kristen Schaal]

Now, when you're working out in the thong, are you working out in front of a full length mirror?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. What's the point?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What's the point? Yeah, but I mean, it's like, would I do I want to stick just

[Kristen Schaal]

thinking about you working on it. Oh, my God, Katya, look at that shimmer. You're shivering and shining and you're.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, can I get you. Can I get you unbricked for a second? Yeah, please.

[Kristen Schaal]

Please.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I had to. I took one of the thongs out of my. Out of my backpack the other day. I had to hand wash a shit stain out of it. How's that? How do you like that one? The white thong?

[Kristen Schaal]

I got a lot of questions.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I didn't shit in it, but, you know.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, but something happened. It was a skid, skid mark, because you had an endless wipe and you just gave up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I gave up?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like, I was like, what? I'd be like, tick tock.

[Kristen Schaal]

I know. You need a bidet.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, well, yeah, okay. But I do. I need a new home.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, we're back to this again. I thought you were getting it remodeled. What happened?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I have gotten some of it remodeled, and it's just such a. Oh, my God, the people at home, they're gonna just. They're biting down on pills right now to hear. Hearing about this. No, it's just like an endless. It's an endless slog. But I just. I. It occurred to me this morning how. How privileged and. And. And truly precious and wonderful it is to actually love your home. Whether it's a yurt or like a temporary guest house in Mrs. Roper's backyard or whatever, or who knows? But. But like, I wished I could say that when I went home, I was like, honey, I'm home. Or, like, breathe outside of you, like oh, I'm home. Never happens.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. Has it ever happened in your whole life?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Yes.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's good too.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, for sure. For sure.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I had a house. Bought it for way too much money, Sold it for not enough money. Lot. I mean, talk about, you want to talk about real estate deals?

[Kristen Schaal]

You're bad at them.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, baby, bad doesn't even begin. Like, I am the worst. So I would often come back to that place and be like, okay, I'm here. Plus, I had this backyard that was off the charts. But like, why'd you sell it? It's a complicated mixture of. It's a long story. I just like, there were no sidewalk. And I was on drugs. So anyways, so I thought about last night. I was up at. I got out of bed at 3:30 in the morning because I thought there was someone in my house.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's so scary.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Townhome or whatever you call it, a multi level condominium, which is just another word for hell on earth. And I, I could swear I was like, there's someone downstairs. And I went downstairs and there was nobody down there.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, Jesus.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So maybe there's a rat. Yeah, maybe there's a pot.

[Kristen Schaal]

There's some bad spirit in this house. You know what I mean? Like there's some mojo. Like, oh, you can get a vibe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I have. The vibe is so thick and vicious and plus, like it. I don't know, I probably. I've told the listeners so many times, but I was doing a photo shoot at a rented house with a photographer and this woman who's so eccentric comes in. She was, I guess the, she was part owner of a luxury European fashion brand. And she comes in with huge, huge breast implants. White, tight, white T shirt, visible nipples. And she's like, we're in the pool. Very glamorous. And she's like, what? No champagne? No cocaine? What kind of photo shoot is this? And then she had had a Catholic priest with her doing, literally performing an exorcism on the house because she thought there were evil spirits in there.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, geez.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Swinging incense.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm not joking.

[Kristen Schaal]

And did it feel better afterwards?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I don't know. I left. I was only in the pool.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But like she was really, really concerned about it.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I was like, damn. Yeah, that's pretty.

[Trixie Mattel]

That's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Although that's. I feel like that's a level of. That's kind of like a. I just

[Kristen Schaal]

want you to find peace at home. I, you know, you deserve it. You're a nice person.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, thank you, but do you.

[Kristen Schaal]

This is my last time on the podcast.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You have to be complimentary or else.

[Kristen Schaal]

Thank you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

There's no time.

[Kristen Schaal]

That was someone who does not believe it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so as you're. So, wait, what is the most important part of a trilogy for you?

[Kristen Schaal]

I don't know. It's a. I mean, that's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you enjoy trilogies?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, it's amazing if they can all three fit together.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

I guess the first one's the most fun because there's more questions unanswered.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Can we talk about my play? Are you going to come?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you fudgeing kidding me?

[Kristen Schaal]

So it's about a centaur who confronts her horse dad. And. Yes. And I wear. I am the centaur. And my.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Is this one where you do the Swan Lake?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

And I. And my whole thing is I want to dance Swan Lake for everybody.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

But I'm a centaur.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And could you please explain to. The centaur is half horse, half woman.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Or C, E, N, T, A, U, R. Yes. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Anyways, that's the show. And then I have. And then I. I played with. I'm. There's like. It's kind of a musical.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I know. Watch out. Tony's.

[Kristen Schaal]

The songs are pretty good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm sure they're great.

[Kristen Schaal]

But the whole thing is like. I. You know, I just. I just. You can't control what the audience's experiences with it, right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, you can. Well, often you can.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, no, I. You know, they're gonna take what they.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I see. Which. Well, you can control it while they're in the seat. Of course, with many different types of technology, but belts and shot collars and stuff. No phones. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Anyways.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How many times have you done it?

[Kristen Schaal]

Four.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Jesus. So it's.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, it's very fresh. And I'm only gonna get to do it three more times. It's hard because. I know. Well, and then. And then Edinburgh, because John Roberts, who plays Linda on Bob's Burgers and is an incredible singer.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Julia's brother.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes. Julia's brother.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. They don't talk.

[Kristen Schaal]

But they don't talk.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's fine. It's amicable. You know, it's a whole thing.

[Kristen Schaal]

Jealousy. But he's. He lives in New York, so that's why we only get to do it a few times. And then hopefully we'll get to do it in New York a little bit. But anyways, I just wonder if you would like it or not. I would mean a lot to me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I would. I am. I am going to.

[Kristen Schaal]

Do you want me to comp you or like, what is it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, so I like. So here's.

[Kristen Schaal]

I mean, I'm doing this for free. Some of that ad money.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Let's take a break. So I saw. I watched last night. Of course I'm gonna fucking come. And second of all, I will pay my own money, thank you. Because I just recently came into a very small but modest but still impactful windfall.

[Kristen Schaal]

You did?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Well, I did a couple of wiggle gigs and I didn't realize that they put my Venmo on the screen.

[Kristen Schaal]

I don't know what a wiggle gig is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A wiggle gig is when you grow out and wiggle.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Your tongue. All of it. I know. I'm trying to keep it together, but so I feel totally give you hundreds of dollars. Were you wearing a sequined thong?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I. No. So sadly with a shit stain inside. Oh, the shit stain is fine. Your secret. It's just that it's not a tug. It's a man's thong. So there's a large package that's been encrusted. So it's untuckable.

[Kristen Schaal]

Shiny on the outside, stained on the inside.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's me. Manager, momager, lover of Christ, lover of. Lover of life. That's me. So outside. Shit stain on the inside. Maybe that's my crystal special.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Oh, God. Not a crystal special. No. Yeah. So wait, so you're doing. So back to this. I will pay my own money because I have money and I want to support the arts. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

They need help. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. You're struggling.

[Kristen Schaal]

I'm bleeding out on this one. Like it's. It's really expensive.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, this is like JLo those. This is me now. It's, you know, 20 million self finance.

[Kristen Schaal]

It really is. It's not like that, but it is a little. It. It does feel like a midlife crisis show. For sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it's. I'm going to be there. Of having fully paid with all the ticket master fees, no discount and just

[Kristen Schaal]

like sorry in advance if you don't like it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Listen, I would never. I. The last thing I didn't like, I cried on the way home.

[Kristen Schaal]

What was it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, I was 11, though.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, Jesus. You like everything after that, so I don't trust your opinion at all.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, no, no. I just. I. Then I. That was the biggest lesson I've learned to. To temper my expectations.

[Kristen Schaal]

What was it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, it was a cirque. Du Soleil show because I saw them when I was 10 and I comp. I became completely obsessed. Like, you know, it's like, I don't know, imagine you're, it's like you were raised by wolves on a different planet and then you found wolves.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, that's how you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And they were doing a show. I was like, oh my God, this I can't believe. Anyways, they had another show in 1995. That was in 93. Two years of anticipation.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I'm talking xing off days on the calendar for, for like nine months.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We went there the first moment, I was like, it's so small. It's so small. It's just. That's it? Yeah, that's it.

[Kristen Schaal]

I'm kind of seeing a pattern with you and like, like your new house, you know?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, but I cried on my home. It's diabolical. And I've since grown to love the show. I saw five more.

[Kristen Schaal]

Sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Anyways. Yeah, but so I, I, I, with movies and stuff, you know, I mean, I love, I, I can't remember the last time I went to the theater in like, was really like. I don't really go to the theater that much. But the chances of the short. Long story short. I know. Too late. The chances of me not liking your show are so slim.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's true.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, Come on.

[Kristen Schaal]

We kind of get each other.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. I feel like we have something. We're both eunuchs. We both have a non infected copper

[Kristen Schaal]

to why the thong fits so good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not infected, uninfected copper pee holes. Oh, wait, wait. So I didn't finish. Oh yeah, the water. So I say if you're pee clear, you must be clear. You know, clear, clear, clear. P equals health. Well, does your have to be clear?

[Kristen Schaal]

Sure. Okay, I see where we're going.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So your urine is a waste product and you're. So when we were in hot yoga, they would always love to do these little. They would always love to spout these little pseudo scientific facts and aphorisms about, you know, enlightenment or whatever. There's like where we're, when we're twisting, we're rinsing the organs and detoxifying the body through sweat. And something in my mind was like, that's kind of interesting. So I do a little research and there's really no scientific data, peer review data to, to support the claim that detoxification of the human body happens through perspiration. Yeah, it's purely temperature regulations. Your skin.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, yeah, that's like Saying like, oh, my liver, I drank too much. I'm going to push down on it a little bit and it's going to

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

release through my skin. Yeah. Like the kidney. I'm going to, I'm going to like twist my kidneys into, in the. Pump them up in action.

[Kristen Schaal]

You know why you guys are so sick? You're not twisting your organs.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, but that's so. That's. You're joking. That's really what we were hearing.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh geez.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, Rinsing the organs, like twisting the, like the viscera in the. To like detoxify. And through the profuse sweating, you're sweating out all your toxins. And that's in a nutshell because what is actually in your sweat is you have water, a little bit of salt and a very, very, very, very trace amount of like chemicals. Like, I don't know, like metal. Metal. Yeah, Very, very, like just a little bit of. A little bit of copper, zinc and all over them. No, but very, very trace. Trace, trace amounts. Your liver and your kidneys detoxify your body. And they don't need to sweat it out. No, they don't need to sweat it. They don't need yoga. They don't need yoga to do it. Yoga is very calming, very relaxing and also can be very invigorating and a nice fun little whatever. But that kind of bullshit makes me, it burns me up.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, because they're just trying to get you to come back again and again and again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Oh yeah. And I did. Sometimes it took three hot yoga classes a day. 90 minutes.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Isn't that insane?

[Kristen Schaal]

That is insane.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Insane. Yeah, Go to it. Go to a 9:00am 9 to 10:30?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

11:30 to 1. And then I go back from 7:30 to 9 fucking free.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, so what did you do in your downtime between the second and third one?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Drink water and peed. No, it just. But so when my pee is yellow, I'm like, it's yellow?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Waste product. Am I thirsty? This was all, this was all courtesy of a doctor I followed online, obgyn, who is, she's really into debunking myths and like, and like, you know, because so much of the TikTok and whatever is like people are watching 10 second clips of like, actually you don't need to breastfeed your kids or have them at home, just put them in the mailbox and like, you know what I mean?

[Kristen Schaal]

And you know, everybody's got an opinion on both sides.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right, right.

[Kristen Schaal]

Always.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And all a lot of like weird like, you know, We've, you know, we. I breastfed my cows, but I gave my daughter hey. And she turned out great. Like, you know, like so. But I thought.

[Kristen Schaal]

Were you breastfed?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was. I. Yeah. Probably by too many breasts.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Three months.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's probably why you're so smart.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, I had a huge. I was a huge baby.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. It took a lot. It was a 25.

[Kristen Schaal]

You're £25 coming out.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, £25 in the womb.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I was like. I think by the time I hit that table, I was like, 30.

[Kristen Schaal]

Huh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And then it was. That's really big.

[Kristen Schaal]

That is a big baby.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. No, I was like. I was nine pounds and a couple ounces, which is still a big baby.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ruby was nine. My baby was nine and a half pounds.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's tough.

[Kristen Schaal]

They were like, do you want to have a natural birth or do you want. Is it okay if we cut her out?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

And I was like, let's just cut

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

her out because that chop you in half and just pull out.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, that baby's big.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. I. I had. My childhood best friend was £11.

[Kristen Schaal]

I've heard about an 11 pound baby that's really big. Okay, sorry. Back to the peak. All people want to hear. They're like, hang.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Please let me finish the story.

[Kristen Schaal]

This is your last episode. Pill, like bouncing on their teeth. Like, I just want to know about the pee.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So long story Short, by the way,

[Kristen Schaal]

that's a good TV show.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No shit.

[Kristen Schaal]

Have you been watching it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, no, I thought, oh, it's a real show.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's called Long Story Short and it's on Netflix. I'm not involved in it in any way, except for it's by the creator of BoJack Horseman.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

And it's. It follows a Jewish family, but they. And they time. Jump.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Jump. Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

I think it's really brilliant.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, great. I'm looking for. Is it a comedy?

[Kristen Schaal]

It's a comedy for adults.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

So they say, like I said, let Ruby watch them. They're like orgasm, ejaculate and stuff. And I'm like, let's fast forward. You know,

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

as far as she's concerned, everybody's a eunuch. So that makes.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, yeah. You know, she knows what penises are. Oh, yeah, I know she's seen them and she's jealous that you get about the elegant street, so.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, I have a point on that, which I completely forgot.

[Kristen Schaal]

You were everywhere. We're everywhere. We need to have a five hour podcast.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, we need to have A highlight. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

I will never. I will never do that. I will never do that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I will. And I applaud your decision to do that, because you know why? And we'll get back to pee in a second. It is unnecessary.

[Kristen Schaal]

It just seems so uncomfortable.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You have no. So I am the worst. Out of all the people in my life, the only person I know who sweats more than me is my dad. And every yoga class for us is a hot yoga class.

[Kristen Schaal]

Just a normal yoga.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Normal yoga. You can be doing yoga in the Arctic in the tundra in our booty shorts, and we'll be sweating our asses off. Imagine a class filled with a room filled with 120 people who are mat to mat, and I'm talking about. I'm talking maybe an inch to an inch and a half between mats. Some people are six feet tall.

[Kristen Schaal]

Sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Some people are five feet tall. Some people are six, four. Some people are.

[Kristen Schaal]

List all the sizes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. We got five, one. We got five, two. We got five, three. Now what are all these people doing?

[Kristen Schaal]

Sweating.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sweating. And not just sweating when they're. When we're. When we're bent over. The sweat is. Is not dripping. It is streaming into my eyes and nose to the point where you feel like you're underwater in a pool.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's stinky. It's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's still. It's more than. It doesn't even have the chance to get stinky.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, exactly.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Just a

[Kristen Schaal]

wall of.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A wall of humid, hot, wet, nasty.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I had to change. I had to bring two thick beach towels to put over my mat because I had to change towels mid class.

[Kristen Schaal]

Right, because you were going to do two more classes later.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, for the one class.

[Kristen Schaal]

Jesus.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you mind? You have any of the laundry I racked up? Do we know.

[Kristen Schaal]

I mean, crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So. So.

[Kristen Schaal]

But did you look good?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I guess I enjoyed it. I mean, I. Yeah. Yeah. And then I got trained to teach it and I. Then I.

[Kristen Schaal]

You got. You trained to be a hot yoga?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, just a yoga. Just to be. Just a.

[Kristen Schaal]

You could teach yoga to me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I could. I could. Could reasonably and legally charge you for a yoga class today.

[Kristen Schaal]

Now that would be a fun podcast yoga with Katya.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, I. But get this, though.

[Kristen Schaal]

You have to wear that thong.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No. Yes, I paid you money, but that's what. I will not fall into the trap, because every yoga guru turns out to be a raper. Oh, a grape. Or. Sorry? Graper.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, really?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, it's.

[Kristen Schaal]

Will you be the First, I'd be the first to not be.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'd be the first non graping crystal thong wearing gay guru.

[Kristen Schaal]

I feel like if you were teaching me and your thong was just like catching. The white is a prism that I. It would take my mind away from how boring yoga was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I. We're gonna. I'm gonna counter your suggestion and suggest that we swap the Lululemon and. And the alo or wherever the. You saw all the. The fancy neoprene athleisure stuff. We do all crystal accessories like crystal thongs, crystal sports bras, crystal bikinis, crystal whatevers for the. For the students.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay. I have another question. Is it sharp?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Great question. Yeah, it is. So when we're talking about friction, we're talking about inner thigh friction and twisting. It's not going to be the most comfortable. And if. Because these stones are glass.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

If you fall, say you're rolling and one happens to break. It is a dangerous opportunity.

[Kristen Schaal]

We could take the quality down a notch and do plastic sequins.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We could do sequins, little ones with

[Kristen Schaal]

like some foam around each one.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Or we could do a metallic, very reflective, kind of like stretchy nylon. That's been done, I think. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Kristen Schaal]

We're like broaching new fashion here, so maybe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Maybe it's like you protect your own inner thighs. That's not my problem.

[Kristen Schaal]

It is your problem. If you're gonna go, you know, public, it's all underground.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so. So my pee is yellow.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I am not ashamed of that.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, no, no, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because I drink when I'm thirsty.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And that's.

[Kristen Schaal]

How often are you thirsty?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right now.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yum.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

To your last podcast ever.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ah, thank God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. You know, one. Yeah. One is good. Two is great. Three is enough.

[Kristen Schaal]

I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So. So you're excited. I mean, so are you. The ongoing projects, though, like Louise Belcher, is that still. Is that old hat still going?

[Kristen Schaal]

It's still awesome.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Still awesome. Do you still love it?

[Kristen Schaal]

I still love it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, voice work, promise to be amazing. Do you wear. What do you wear? Do you dress up, like tuxedo pants and everything?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, tuxedo pants and everything

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

else I have in my closet.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Layer.

[Kristen Schaal]

You know, the. I have a lot of. Really? I like clothes a lot and I collect them. I would say that would be what I collect is clothes. And. And when I get excited because I. Because when I think of a new clothing item, I imagine myself in the future wearing it and I'm having a Great time in my fantasy. And then. And I need to start having fantasies of me in my old clothes, though.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, that's okay. That will happen naturally. Yeah, that'll happen naturally. I really relate. And I have part of. Like, I was. This is one of the questions I was thinking about on the way here. I wanted to ask you about hobbies and stuff. I think hobbies are important and it's. I think it's like. If you like Trixie, for example, most of her hobbies, she's ingeniously found a way to monetize, which is incredible, you know.

[Kristen Schaal]

So are they hobbies anymore?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I would. I would argue that they're not.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But they're also really not. They're. Because they've become enmeshed in her professional Persona, whatever. And she makes money from them. I think that's not a hobby. You spend money on a hobby.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, you spend money on a hobby. Like money. The Legend of Crystal.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're going to. That's going to. I mean, that's going to get you out of debt. It's got to be. I mean, because I'm going to buy the whole theater.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh. You know, I like to draw.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Kristen Schaal]

And.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And.

[Kristen Schaal]

And I think writing is a hobby too, for me, since I don't get paid for that. But I'd like to. Oh, boy, would I like to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I went. I started. So I have. I make clothes.

[Kristen Schaal]

You do not.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I do and I did. I wear.

[Kristen Schaal]

Are you wearing anything? Everything is very well tailored.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no.

[Kristen Schaal]

Whoops.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, it's laundry day. Laundry day. But you know what?

[Kristen Schaal]

I know it's got two different.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's not an affectation, kind of an

[Kristen Schaal]

olive greenish gray and then a black sock.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know what it is? Because you know what it is? The diabolical.

[Kristen Schaal]

You know what? It kind of. Kind of goes with the. With the. You know. What do they call that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

With plaid?

[Kristen Schaal]

No. You know, when you get your hair. It's something a u. Where you get your hair kind of like goes from. It's called an ombre. I feel like it's an ombre situation.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I got. Somebody gave me. Gifted me this wonderful shirt while I was on the road by. If you ever want to feel cool, if you're on a date with like an art chick or an art guy, you have to say, like, what's your favorite movie? You say the Mirror by Tarkovsky.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And then that's like, sure fire way to be like, oh, wow.

[Kristen Schaal]

You.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're cool. You're cool, man. Really Cool. I. Sorry about that. But I got. So the point is precious moments and I'm wasting them. No, I just want to show you, because I got. I got a cover stitch, so I love sewing costumes, stage wear, but I'm branching out, taking off all my stuff.

[Kristen Schaal]

Do not stop talking.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I got a cover stitch.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ooh, I like your tattoos.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, thank you. I also tattoo in my free time.

[Kristen Schaal]

You do?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, but. So, see this stitch right here? This is like a cover stitch on a regular garment. You've got one, I'd say, right? Yeah, that's the COVID stitch. It's basically the finished edge of most.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like, they fold it and they double stitch it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So like a knit. Like, I. Sewing as a hobby. Oh, my God. So fascinating. Because you will never be great at it. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. One, one, one, one, one, one will never be great. Like you. It's a. It's a. It's such a. It's such a broad. Like, there's so many, like, different elements to it, and there are, you know, people who are. Who devote their entire lives to, like, a certain fabric. Do you know what I mean? Like, like lace appliques or embroidery or whatever. So it's like something that is really, really daunting, but you will. It's always challenging, and it'll never get boring. So I got a cover stitch machine and a serger, which means I could make a T shirt like this.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, wow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I'm talking. I'm talking, like, for real, though.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, I know. What about screen printing?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That is something that I don't currently know how to do, but I am a drawer, and I do have access to puffy paint. Yeah, I drew this one.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, yeah. Nice.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's. She's scary.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's good. Yeah, it's very scary. Have to have it on you, I guess.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But. So that's so. But basically it's coming on Friday, and I can't wait.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh. Because, you know, too with T shirts, they're my favorite garment, but it's the material. Like, if. Like, I'll go to a show. I always want to buy a T shirt at shows, and then the material is rough, and I never wear them.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Or what you could do is, like, what is your favorite band is playing at the. You know, the Garden or whatever. And the last piece of merchandise is an xl, you know, like. God damn it. Yeah, you fucking bring that XL blouse over to me.

[Kristen Schaal]

Bring it to cut, and I'm going

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

to slice it and dice it and Serge it and cover. Stitch it to fit your tiny, like, tiny. Sexualized.

[Kristen Schaal]

Over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Over sexualized by Hollywood body.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, so the sewing. My mom is a sewer. And it's, you know, it's hard to find. It's like the world is getting smaller and smaller. Like, we have to go. She lives in Colorado, but we have to go like three towns over to the only store that will fix her sewing machine and you know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, I do.

[Kristen Schaal]

I'm sure in LA it's a little bit.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it's a little bit better. Not since all this drama with. With. With ice and everything and. Because the downtown area has been a very different story.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And like, I have personal. There have been people that friends of mine and I have known who are. Have not heard from in a minute. And I'm not saying that. Whatever.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, they don't sound like good friends. They should be calling you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So it's like, you know, it's, it's. It's like, it's a whole different. But yeah, there's. There's a ton of. There's a guy, Carlos, who I had an industrial. The hard thing about sewing is that the equip. The gear gets really expensive. It's like photography.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I could never afford photography in high school because the. The lab fees were so expensive. So expensive. I mean, in college, I mean, it's shocking how.

[Kristen Schaal]

Because I remember trying to sew a skirt in high school or whatever, and I remember being like, wait, it's this much for a couple yards.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, the fabric.

[Kristen Schaal]

I was like, what?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, the fabric. Don't even get me started. I'm talking about this machines. I. I bought. I went to Mood Fabrics, which is like. I think they're made famous by Project Runway.

[Kristen Schaal]

Of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, we're going to Mood.

[Kristen Schaal]

I love it. Mood is cool. I've been in there with my mom. I brought my mom there. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mood is. When I walk into Mood, I got to do double panties for the brickness because it's like, it's. I. And I always end up making the most horrible choices. I need to go in there with two chaperones.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, you need a friend. Yeah. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because I either buy something in something that's so dazzling but the wrong color or whatever. I bought four yards of trim at a hundred and fifty dollars a yard.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That is very. That's trim.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's just trim.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yikes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gorgeous.

[Kristen Schaal]

For. What are you putting it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know. That's the problem. There's no Vision.

[Kristen Schaal]

Would it go on? Like. No. Would it go. Pillows like the s. Like, this is

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

for costume stage wear.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh. So trimming like sleeves like cowboys. What's going on?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I'm in. I'm in an area. I'm in an era of my life. I'm sorry to make it all about me on your last episode. I feel like I'm talking too much.

[Kristen Schaal]

You are the star. I've only got this show, the Legend of Crystal Shell, which is, I've been told is highly entertaining, but maybe not very deep by my high school friends.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Very not deep.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, it might not be deep enough for some people.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

To me, maybe they lack the. The bandwidth to. To. To plunge to the depths that it requires. I want to go.

[Kristen Schaal]

The show is. My agent said we. We watched Mike Birbiglia's show and she's like, I need you to do something like this. You know? And I was like, yeah. And so I made this show in response and it is actually very autobiographical. Lovely through.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you love doing it? You've done it four times.

[Kristen Schaal]

I've done it four times. I love it. Wait, I. But yes, I love it. I love it. Come, come, come.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no. And this is serious. Can you zoom in a little bit? Like.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, that's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You talk to that one.

[Kristen Schaal]

Do it. She's. There's one person.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, we'll do it. Post. We'll do a post.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, so that's your. And just like, please, for the price of about 15 lattes, you and a friend can also. Who also buy 15 lattes, could attend one of the most. Not one of the most, surely the most riveting shows by a star that has no equal. Often imitated, often tried to duplicated. But she's inimitable and induplical. Indubitable. And it is her swan song, her last show, her last project.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. God, you might be right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no. So you have to see it. You have to see it or I will come make you a eunuch.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ooh, by the way, great dates again. May 7th and 8th at Dynasty typewriter and May 12th at Largo.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And you could think about it as a birthday present for me because my birthday's on the birthday them first, so a lot of people.

[Kristen Schaal]

Happy birthday.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you.

[Kristen Schaal]

Do you want to hear the birthday song my husband and I made up to sing? 5, 6, 7, 8. Birthday boy. Birthday fun. Birthday fun. You can also say girl. Birthday girl. Birthday fun. Birthday girl. You're number one. Happy birthday. Love ya. It's interchangeable.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I love that. I Love that.

[Kristen Schaal]

Just cut that out, please. Gross. God. Ah, the flap sweat. Speaking out loud enough. Flap sweat yoga.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, funny you should say that. I taught. My first and only class I taught was co. Taught with a girl. Guess what it was called? Flop sweat Queer yoga. Now what the hell does that mean? Did people have to be gay? Do we have to be gay?

[Kristen Schaal]

Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Nobody asked. Nobody answered.

[Kristen Schaal]

But they showed up. They showed up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A few people did. It was a horrible class. It was a flop sweat the whole time. Total disaster. What won't be a disaster is your show.

[Kristen Schaal]

But thank you. Wait, can we just. Cause Tracy's like kicking me off the show. And like, there's like security guards.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. You have a Lincoln Town Car. It's not an suv. I'm so sorry. But it's. But they have air conditioning.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, you said the. You're in a new era. And. And then. And then I interrupted or something and I want to know what. With the fringe of the material for Mood. You're in a new era sewing wise. And please, we have to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so I. I got this. Just the most incredible. I'm gonna show it to you because this is the inspiration. Although this will. You know when that whole. That stupid meme of like when I ordered it and then when it actually came.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like from. From. From Gucci, from Amazon. You know, that kind of thing. My friend just calling me it. The. The. The. The inspo. This is what I'm trying to do. So these jewels, they see that. See that gorgeous, like glittery.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like sheer mesh thing. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Yes. See now the way that flow problem with that is that she has this jeweled underwire bra that are. That are propping up her large breasts.

[Kristen Schaal]

Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So it's a bigger structure and she's got large breasts.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

In a tiny waist and a very li. Body.

[Kristen Schaal]

But you could have all those things.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, yeah, the breasts are tough. But anyways, I bought. I went to Mood to try to get all the materials to recreate that Look. Spend about $900.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's nothing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's nothing. It's literally nothing at me.

[Kristen Schaal]

They're probably mad at you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's probably. It was probably more than that. But it was like. But. Yeah. So. And I get it in the. But I get it in blush. Like a champagne blush.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's gonna make me look fat as a house.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's not gonna pop. You know, it's just gonna like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's gonna.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's gonna blend with your skin tone.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, it's like, what are you. Go to the.

[Kristen Schaal]

What happened?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I was in a.

[Kristen Schaal]

Did the blush look good on the shelf, at least?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Fabulous on the shelf. What it's going to look like me is trash.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I should have got a green.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like this. Like this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, it's gonna.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like more berry.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, it's like a champagne. Like a champagne.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's almost like.

[Kristen Schaal]

Like tan.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No,

[Kristen Schaal]

you got beige.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, it's a champagne.

[Kristen Schaal]

Champagne is beige. Champagne is like colorless sparkle with a bit of bay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like a rose. A blush. It's like a sparkling wine rose.

[Kristen Schaal]

Some are orange.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The point is, it's not slimming. It's. It's gonna. It's going to offer no contrast. It's going to be. It's going to clash with whatever accessories I own. Yeah, it was a big mistake. Huge.

[Kristen Schaal]

Can you return?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Absolutely not. All sales are final.

[Kristen Schaal]

And this is a silly question, but can you diet in any way?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

My roommate, who. Or my. My studio mate who just called me. He. His answer would be like, of course you can.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, he thinks he could dye anything, right? Yeah. But no, no, absolutely not.

[Kristen Schaal]

Could you put. Okay, last question. Could you put, like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I could trade because.

[Kristen Schaal]

Is it a little bit translucent at all?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, well, it's. It's a. It's a mesh, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

So the color under.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. But then now we're adding bulk to an. To an already.

[Kristen Schaal]

But you need that structure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, right, but I've already got an under structure. This is. I know. You could die the understudy in the car right now.

[Kristen Schaal]

I know they are. We've lost a. We lost them so long ago, though. I don't even care.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Like. Oh, yourself.

[Kristen Schaal]

This is for us. This is the last. No, I'll never see Katya again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But it's gonna be a challenge. Like the Tim Goes Dishonors or. I don't even know what he talks. I haven't seen the show, but.

[Kristen Schaal]

You haven't seen the show?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, it's so fun.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm sure it is.

[Kristen Schaal]

I saw it when I was younger. I was, like, there for the first season.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But the point is, my cover stitch machine and I won't.

[Kristen Schaal]

Three times, but boring.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So what I'm gonna do when I come to see your show at the Dynasty Typewriter and at the Netflix. As a joke thing.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, it's at Dynasty Typewriter and then it's at Largo.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

At Largo, but for the Netflix.

[Kristen Schaal]

Part of Netflix is a joke.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, but that thing is like some amorphous.

[Kristen Schaal]

They care more about Seth Rogen show. Don't worry. I was like, can you retweet my tweet about the show? They're like, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, wait. Can I share some personal triumph? Of course I know we're going along. I don't care. Care. The. The.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, Ruby, Ruby. Sitting in the school office. Go on.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my God.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's your child.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, okay, okay, we gotta go. I forgot too.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay, okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

All right, babies. Okay, go get your 8 year old. But one thing, one last thing. We're playing a show at the Wiltern, Bald and Beautiful live at the Wheel Turn and. But just at the Wil. Just recently at the Wiltern. That's so. I. That woman I just showed you, that's a singer from Russia or from Ukraine. I saw her live recently. Great, lovely. Kind of.

[Kristen Schaal]

Is she a fan of you?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Uh, I don't think so. I did a. I did a parody of her song. Yeah, that I think. She doesn't think is that fun? But I'm not sure about that. But her publicist did give me free tickets, so that sounds. Yeah, but I. So I went back to see a Ukrainian drag queen called Verka Serduchka with a. This. She looks very, very quickly. I swear I won't keep you. She looks so insane.

[Kristen Schaal]

Can I lift up your sleeve, please? Oh, God, yeah. Your tattoos are really fun.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They're. They're, they're. They're pretty wild. So this is her really super quick. She's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. So that's. That's her.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, I like that. I like that hat.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. So she was in the movie Spy.

[Kristen Schaal]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She had a cameo in the movie.

[Kristen Schaal]

She's a good movie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And when I tell you that this fucking fat bitch came out and she's a man in a. In a. In a. In a fat suit with like an aunt. She plays an auntie character. A full band plugged in. I mean, saxophones, drummers. I mean, the orchestra was probably like. Or the band was probably 15 people with including dancers. And just like, it was Nonstop high energy. 40, like a. Like a 90 minute medley of all of her songs with maybe two breaks. It was so stimulating, so the opposite of boring, that during the encore, halfway through, I had to make my way to the back because I had a headache. I was so like, oh, my gosh. Geeked and gooned. So I was just saying, that's your

[Kristen Schaal]

Cirque duo la now.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, exactly. So I was, you know, it defied expectations And I know that's what your show is going to do. Good.

[Kristen Schaal]

Oh, wow. You tied it up real pretty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So please go visit Kristen Shaw at Crystal Shell.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's the legend of Crystal Shell.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She cockettishly admits there's no website for it. Well, we'll have all the details, and this will come out soon.

[Kristen Schaal]

But you can get. You can buy tickets in my bio on Instagram.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

There you go.

[Kristen Schaal]

And as soon as I show in, someday, I'm gonna take Instagram and I'm gonna light it on fire because I'm so done with social media.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, you and me both. Only my only. I have another Instagram that look at football butts, and that's about it.

[Kristen Schaal]

That's great, but do you notice that it's, like, taking over your brain like a real parasite?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you kidding me?

[Kristen Schaal]

I mean, I'm scared.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you kidding me? It's like. What's. What's. What do you mean? What's wrong with this?

[Kristen Schaal]

It's like. Oh, wait, let me text. Let me text back. Let me text back the. The.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah, hold on. I just need to. I just need to. Yeah, I just need to remove this note from a patient's, you know, esophagus. It's crazy.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's crazy. People on the street.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

On the street, in the bathroom.

[Kristen Schaal]

People crossing the street during sex.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gay sex.

[Kristen Schaal]

Are you kidding me right now?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's a whole nother can of worms. Which we won't ever get to talk about because this is our last time. Thank you so much for being here.

[Kristen Schaal]

That if you are doing that during sex, you should not get to have sex.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Jail. Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Live in the moment. Read an Eckhart Tolle book, the Power of Now.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah. Beautiful. Goodbye, everybody.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is the end. The Avengers end game.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is. This is our Lord of the Rings.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, I don't understand why I can't come back someday.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, we'd have to do a reboot, and Hollywood loves that.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's because Trixie hates me. It's like, only when Trixie's gone.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, we'll have to do. She'll. She'll have to do another trilogy with you. It'll be a whole different energy. I won't love it.

[Kristen Schaal]

Thank you so much, guys.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, thank you, Sam. And Doug. There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help

[Kristen Schaal]

someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

at a comedy show.

[Kristen Schaal]

Hey, everyone.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Together we're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent. Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty.

[Kristen Schaal]

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