Nicole Kidman Presents: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Episode Summary: Nicole Kidman Presents: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Release Date: November 5, 2024

In this episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya, hosted by Studio71, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova delve into a variety of engaging topics ranging from personal health journeys and societal observations to humorous anecdotes about everyday experiences. The conversation is lively, candid, and sprinkled with notable quotes that highlight the duo's unique perspectives and comedic flair.

---

1. Personal Health and Wellness

The episode kicks off with Trixie Mattel sharing her experiences with autoimmune diagnosis and the importance of gut health. Although advertisement segments are present, the hosts seamlessly transition into meaningful discussions about maintaining a balanced gut microbiome.

Notable Quote:

Trixie Mattel [00:20]: "Ever since my autoimmune diagnosis, food and the way my body processes food and nutrients has been always centered in the discussion."

Both hosts emphasize the interconnectedness of gut health with mental well-being and immunity, reflecting their commitment to personal wellness.

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2. Pop Culture and Media Critique

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around their thoughts on contemporary movies and television shows. The hosts critically analyze films like Insidious, Black Swan, and Strange Darling, offering humorous yet insightful commentary on acting performances and cinematic elements.

Notable Quote:

Drew [05:56]: "Nicole Kidman is in every movie and television show produced by Hollywood for the last 25 years. It's crazy."

The discussion also touches upon the portrayal of characters in horror genres, comparing different antagonists and their impact on the audience.

---

3. Experiences with Public Spaces and Social Observations

Trixie and Katya recount amusing and awkward experiences in public restrooms, highlighting societal norms and personal discomforts associated with shared spaces.

Notable Quote:

Cody [46:33]: "When I go to stand at the urinal, I'm almost like, you do the urinal. Don't look."

Their anecdotes shed light on common anxieties and the humorous side of navigating everyday public interactions.

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4. Reflections on Hometown and Social Climate

The hosts share their perspectives on returning to their hometowns and confronting the prevailing conservative attitudes. They express a mix of nostalgia and frustration with the political and social dynamics they encounter.

Notable Quote:

Cody [52:29]: "I spent the whole week up north in Wisconsin. It was so devastating and sick to drive around and be like, damn."

This segment underscores the tension between personal identity and societal expectations, offering a heartfelt look into their personal journeys.

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5. Humorous Takes on Consumerism and Shopping Habits

Trixie and Katya engage in playful banter about bulk shopping at stores like Costco, exaggerating their purchasing habits for comedic effect. They poke fun at the abundance of products and the challenges of buying perishables in large quantities.

Notable Quote:

Drew [39:55]: "No, it is cunty. I mean, I wonder what razors..."

Their humor provides a lighthearted counterbalance to the more serious topics discussed, showcasing their ability to find comedy in everyday situations.

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6. Social Issues and Advocacy

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts touch upon significant social issues such as racism and ageism. They discuss the prevalence of offensive language in small towns and the challenges faced by marginalized communities.

Notable Quote:

Cody [54:55]: "I hate loving being from a small town. But it's hard to not also acknowledge that there's some really ignorant."

Their candid conversation highlights the importance of addressing systemic issues while navigating personal identities and environments.

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7. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

The episode wraps up with a blend of humor and introspection as Trixie and Katya reflect on their experiences and the topics they've covered. Their ability to oscillate between comedic storytelling and serious discourse leaves listeners with both laughter and thoughtful contemplation.

Notable Quote:

Drew [57:14]: "I would want to be armed and I would want to kill in defense because the threat of violence is so looming and present."

The hosts' final remarks underscore their resilience and commitment to advocating for safety and acceptance within their communities.

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Key Takeaways:

• Personal Health: Emphasizes the significance of gut health in overall well-being.
• Media Critique: Offers humorous and critical insights into contemporary films and TV shows.
• Public Spaces: Shares relatable and comedic experiences in navigating shared public areas.
• Social Climate: Discusses the complexities of identity within conservative hometowns.
• Consumerism: Provides a playful take on bulk shopping and consumer habits.
• Advocacy: Addresses pressing social issues with honesty and advocacy.
• Humor and Resilience: Balances serious topics with humor, showcasing the hosts' unique dynamic.

This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya is a testament to the hosts' ability to blend humor with meaningful conversations, offering listeners an entertaining and thought-provoking experience.

Transcript

[Trixie Mattel]

Today's episode of the Bald and Beautiful is brought to you by our friends over at Ritual. Guys, it seems like everyone is talking about the gut microbiome these days. Maybe it's because I'm old and getting older and everyone around me is getting older and your body just starts talking louder to you, doesn't it? But the truth is we're learning a lot more about the gut microbiome and how it's key to mental health, immunity and of course, digestion. You guys, ever since my autoimmune diagnosis food and the way my body processes food and nutrients, my God, it is always centered in the discussion. If you're looking for digestive support rituals got your back. Or rather your biome with symbiotic plus a 3 in 1 supplement. Clinically studied pre pro postbiotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. You guys, I take it with my daily vitamins. You guys know I take like a whole handful of vitamins and this was such an easy little one to add. I mean, it's like brainless. I'm taking better care of myself. I don't have to think anything, anything about it. Get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Rituals symbiotic plus get 25% off your first month at ritual.com bald that's 25% off at ritual.com bald happy squatting today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Mint Mobile. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When mint mobile says $15 a month, when you purchase a three month plan, they mean it, baby. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com bald that's mintmobile.com bald cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com bald. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and rest apply. See Mint Mobile for details.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, I have to tell you, I.

[Trixie Mattel]

Was just looking on ebay where I go for all kinds of things I love.

[Cody]

And there it was, that hologram trading card.

[Drew]

One of the rarest.

[Cody]

The last one I needed for my set.

[Drew]

Shiny like the Designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you get your windshield wipers?

[Cody]

Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful. Whatever you love, find it on eBay.

[Trixie Mattel]

EBay.

[Cody]

Things people love. Hi. Hi. The Bald and the Beautiful Live is coming to several fabulous cities. Why don't you tell them what they are?

[Drew]

Charlotte, St. Louis, Madison, Columbus. All fine cities with beautiful people.

[Cody]

And we even added a Madison city because. Wisconsin, I guess not even. Yes, they're here for you.

[Drew]

That's true. I'm huge in Madison.

[Cody]

You are. It's a college town. Those guys are horny.

[Drew]

They're horny for this old snatch. So please come see us. If. If we don't sell out, we'll be horribly embarrassed and we might. We might wander into the forest and never come back.

[Cody]

Please come. Please come, please come.

[Drew]

It's fun. It's fun. Bring the kids. Bring the. Bring the wives and the mistresses. We'll have a great time.

[Cody]

We go on stage, we sit down.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

And that's about it.

[Drew]

We. Sometimes we cook a whole bunch of hot dogs and we launch them in the crowd.

[Cody]

Get your [e-mail]. boo.

[Drew]

Look at my reveal.

[Cody]

Oh.

[Drew]

Tis the season. I don't know if when this is gonna air, but we are approaching Halloween time. And I have been debuting a line of incredible bespoke T shirts courtesy of Michi Stein.

[Cody]

Oh, that's not the one I wanted.

[Drew]

You know, I take umbrage with this movie.

[Cody]

A.

[Drew]

Because why?

[Cody]

I watched it during the break.

[Drew]

Okay. A. The cop lead is not handsome enough.

[Cody]

Sorry. Oh, fuck off.

[Drew]

And another thing. I forget what.

[Cody]

But straight women love ugly men. They love it.

[Drew]

They love it. It's like.

[Trixie Mattel]

I.

[Drew]

No. Yeah. I. It could be so much better, that movie. It could be so much better. I feel like I could write it better.

[Cody]

We could play it better.

[Drew]

We could definitely play it better. I would have to be Nicole Kidman, though.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

Duh.

[Cody]

You could stick me in that mousy brown wig with those glasses on.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're just staring into the. Staring into the.

[Cody]

With the dead husband. Just staring.

[Drew]

Yeah. I mean, when they put the lime in the coconut. That's fun.

[Cody]

Well, if you and I are them, the sad thing is, by the time we get to make this movie, Stalker chaining a Diane Whist. So if you and I are Sandra Bullock, and I'm happy to be Sandy. I love Sandra Bullock. Have you heard? Wait, you've heard the call of her. The intruder in her house.

[Drew]

Yeah. You know, she used to live. I used to live across the street from where she lived.

[Cody]

And where were you the night of that? Where were you the night of that?

[Drew]

I was in her house looking for. Looking for awards.

[Cody]

If you and I are the youths, who is our. Should we get Rupal to be our aunts?

[Drew]

Oh, the aunts. No, no, no.

[Cody]

We get Rupal.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Cody]

Sarah Paulson.

[Drew]

No, it's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no.

[Drew]

They have to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They have to be in our lives.

[Cody]

Rip Taylor.

[Drew]

Riptorn.

[Cody]

Rip Taylor and Riptorn. Yeah. Trinity, the tuck. Rip Taylor. That's who I want.

[Drew]

Wait, do you have you watch the Matrix movies or. The Matrix?

[Cody]

Yeah, I've seen the first one for sure. And I've seen the one with the guys with the white dreads. Okay, that's it.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Cody]

Is that one in three?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know which one I saw.

[Drew]

But I was watching clips of one and they had Monica Bellucci in this latex outf. And I thought to myself, hmm, if I looked like that, like, she looks like that right now. Just like her. None of you fucking whores would even have a life to live.

[Cody]

Right?

[Drew]

Because you'd all be dead from suicide. Because you would have looked at my smoking hot body, face and hair and said, I don't stand a chance of success in this world.

[Cody]

But she.

[Drew]

I'm gonna kill myself.

[Cody]

But she exists in this world, and we're not dead now.

[Drew]

But see, that would embody an energy that's a little bit different.

[Cody]

Right?

[Drew]

I would take it up to the next level. She's holding back because she doesn't want the world to end. But I want to see it burn.

[Cody]

Yeah, I felt the same way when I was watching Insidious last night. I said if I looked like Barbara Hershey.

[Drew]

Oh, I love Barbara Hershey.

[Cody]

Wikipedia said she's one of the greatest actresses of our time.

[Drew]

She is. Beaches. Oh, my God.

[Cody]

Portrait of a Lady, they said I'd never seen that.

[Drew]

She is incredible. Barbara Hershey, she was in Black Swan. Don't like that movie very much.

[Cody]

Do you think I'm going to jail if I've never seen Beaches?

[Drew]

No, you're not going to jail. You're going to women's prison.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right?

[Cody]

I've gone to beaches and WeHo.

[Drew]

That's the same thing. No, but Barbara Hershey. So Barbara Hershey And Ed Bigley Jr. You know him, they have a small scene in a new movie called Strange Darling where they're the only good part of this movie, they're a mountain people, off the grid kind of conspiracy, whatever. He prepares this breakfast that is so disgusting. It's like 14 eggs with a gallon of syrup and two or 200 sticks of butter. It's so gross. Piled it up on these plates. And they. They sit down across from each other and just smile and look at each other like this.

[Cody]

That's the kind of relationship I want to be in. That is. I was like, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

I was like, that's it. They have cracked the code. That's it. And then they got brutally murdered.

[Cody]

I think that's beautiful. If you ever had a boyfriend, which could happen at this point.

[Drew]

I don't think so.

[Cody]

Come on. Okay, well, I still.

[Drew]

Come on, join us. Play with us.

[Cody]

It's a May, December romance. May of 2016 and December of 2025. You know, I would.

[Drew]

I would date.

[Cody]

Would you date a youngie? Yeah. I think you're going to get one of those child. You're going to be one of those baggage of child brides, aren't you?

[Drew]

No, I don't want a child. They definitely have to know how to drive and have a license.

[Cody]

Okay, so 60.

[Drew]

No, I could. I would love to date a 50. Somebody over 50.

[Cody]

I can I say, I think you would do very well.

[Drew]

Oh, no.

[Cody]

With an older man. Well, here's. Because you get to be baby.

[Drew]

I'm. And I'm always baby. And this diaper's always full.

[Cody]

But you're gonna be ring.

[Drew]

Wait, what?

[Cody]

You're gonna be so rich.

[Drew]

But you're gonna diaper check.

[Cody]

No, no, no. Even if you get an old boyfriend, you're going to be the one with the money. So you're the young. And rinse.

[Drew]

No, I'm not. Nobody's coming for my coins because they're not there, first of all. But like the. I would love to date.

[Cody]

You're not rich.

[Drew]

No, I'm in California.

[Cody]

You and I have the exact same jobs, and people think I'm rich, so.

[Drew]

No, but you have. But you have like 14 other jobs, though, and businesses, and I think you probably saved your money.

[Cody]

I didn't.

[Drew]

Yeah, well, I mean, I have s. I'm. I am not. Put it this way. I hate when people say this uncomfortable.

[Cody]

That means comfortable.

[Drew]

That means like. Did you grow up rich? We were comfortable. So you grew up in.

[Cody]

When people ask if I was poor, I say I was uncomfortable living. Yeah. Un.

[Drew]

Hungry.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Cody]

Yes.

[Drew]

Wait, we got to back to Nicole Kidman briefly.

[Cody]

The wigs not in that movie.

[Drew]

No, no, no. Not. Not in Eyes Wide Shut, which I just re. Watched. God damn.

[Cody]

Not practical magic, probably.

[Drew]

Maybe not that, maybe not. However, she will not discuss the wiggery. She will not discuss the wigs. People ask her about the wigs or whatever, the hair. She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's a really offensive question. So she doesn't wear wigs.

[Cody]

I don't know what you're talking about. If I'd ask about the wigs.

[Drew]

Wigs. I don't wait weeks.

[Cody]

What wigs?

[Drew]

I think because she's such a serious actor, that's a character and that's their hair. Do you know what I mean?

[Cody]

Yeah, but all people do is ask you and I about our makeup and our wigs.

[Drew]

I know, but Nicole Kidman is interesting because she's so ubiquitous. If you. I don't know if you've noticed, but since 1996, she's been in three motion pictures every single year. And now she's added streaming series to the roster. So she's not only everywhere, there might be three or four of her walking around at the same time.

[Cody]

Maybe Stepford Wives wasn't fake. Maybe they're making her.

[Drew]

Nicole Kidman is in. Has been every. In every movie and television show produced by Hollywood for the last 25 years.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

It's crazy.

[Cody]

You love her.

[Drew]

I do. I do. In a. Yeah. It's getting kind of interesting, though, because obviously there's a lot of Botox happening, and I don't want to, you know, shame people, but I haven't had Botox. I get it. I used to get it a lot.

[Cody]

You did?

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And now I haven't had it. You can see all the wrinkles. Like, I have a broad expressive register in my face now.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I like it. And I've been not. It's all I notice now when I look at, like, stars on screen.

[Cody]

Yeah. To me, the big dead, flat, shiny forehead is like, I don't. You look youthful.

[Drew]

No, you don't. You look strange. You're like othered. You know what I mean? And also, like when people are with facelifts, not just. I'm not want to single out Nicole Kidman, but like start aging stars. Things go lateral because it's a stretch. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's a stretch and it gets a little kooky.

[Cody]

Girl, are you gonna get something done?

[Drew]

I mean, are you kidding me? I'm gonna get chopped up beyond recognition.

[Cody]

Girl.

[Drew]

I'm gonna look like fucking Mickey Rourke.

[Cody]

Mickey Mouse.

[Drew]

Mickey Rourke stretched over a boulder in a stream in Colorado.

[Cody]

If I was going to get work done.

[Drew]

You're going to because we're going to make you do it. Then you're going to be pressured. You're going to.

[Cody]

I don't think I would ever transition because I've never felt female. I don't feel female. I don't want to be identified as female. I don't want to be she. Her. I don't want to live as a woman.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Cody]

But if I ever got the surge for the career, it would be at neck cracking speed.

[Drew]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Surge for the career? I would say yes to be younger. What are you talking about?

[Cody]

The breasts. I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to.

[Drew]

Taking the balls out.

[Cody]

I wouldn't want to mess up the illusion of being male. I think I look male. You think I'm one of the last.

[Drew]

You think you're gonna walk around. You're gonna go to Planet Fitness in a training bra or a sports bra would be.

[Cody]

Boys, don't cry it. I'm gonna wrap them.

[Drew]

You're gonna bind your implants. You can just wear it. No, you wear a tight white T shirt that says, stop looking at my tits. I'm a man.

[Cody]

Damn. Or why don't you know what I should do? Get him on the back. And then from the front, I'm always, you know, hey, I'm just a regular. Are you just a regular guy? Yes, I am. And then when I want to do drag, I just turn around, put the lipstick on the back of my bald head and walk backwards.

[Drew]

Turn the right, say hello. Well, there's a great moment, spoiler alert. In the substance, where one of the characters pukes up a breast in front of people. Mama, you got to see this movie. It is so crunk. Turn and lit. Lit. Do you know Margaret Qualley? Margaret Qual is the daughter of Andy McDowell and she's a very hot and in demand actress at the moment. She's been in a lot of great films. She's in this movie as well. And she's married to Jack Antonoff. They have a child together. And she's really good friends with Lana Del Rey. How do I know all this? Because I'm kind of obsessed with her.

[Cody]

Okay.

[Drew]

She's fierce. She's very fierce.

[Cody]

What's the earliest movie you remember seeing that? You were like, this turned me out.

[Drew]

Oh, Candyman.

[Cody]

Really?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

Also scary as fuck.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Know.

[Drew]

Freddie keeps fucking me up.

[Cody]

Girl. Girl. Freddie. Freddie is Scary.

[Drew]

He was in my motherfucking. So I had a fabulous dream that I. I watched 2001 Space Odyssey. I had the most vivid, wonderful dream when I was on a space station with Scorny Weaver. It was like an alien crossover. And we were all like. Kind of like we were doing things with airlock. It was very specific and I knew what I was doing. And we had a camaraderie. And then like. And then it got lucid where I was aware of I was dreaming. And then Freddy showed up and it scared the out of me and I.

[Cody]

Freddy in space, girl.

[Drew]

He really me up. He is. He's still scared.

[Cody]

Welcome to space, bitch. You know?

[Drew]

Welcome to Prime. Yeah. Cause he gets under your skin. He knows the thing about you. He's gonna tailor your death to your most.

[Cody]

Would he do call you bald?

[Drew]

No, he just like, he's gonna get me. And I know, and it just gets me. Like, he can appear anywhere, you know, Like Jason's a fucking lumbering oaf. Michael Myers, he ain't shit. You know, like he can't even run. But Freddie can turn into your mom, your nurse, your lover, your bedspread. He could even be that dildo you're shoving up your ass.

[Cody]

Right? Right. Let's take a break.

[Trixie Mattel]

Today's episode of the Bald and Beautiful is brought to you by our friends over at Ritual. Guys, it seems like everyone is talking about the gut microbiome these days. Maybe it's because I'm old and getting older and everyone around me is getting older and your body just starts talking louder to you, doesn't it? But the truth is, we're learning a lot more about the gut microbiome and how it's key to mental health, immunity and of course, digestion. You guys, ever since my autoimmune diagnosis food and the way my body processes food and nutrients, my God, it is always centered in the discussion if you're looking for digestive support rituals. Got your back. Or rather your Biome with symbiotic plus a 3 in 1 supplement. Clinically studied pre pro postbiotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. You guys, I take it with my daily vitamins. You guys know I take like a whole handful of vitamins. And this was such an easy little one to add. I mean, it's like brainless. I'm taking better care of myself. I don't have to think anything about it. It seems like everything's connected to your gut microbiome. I mean, do you even know the difference between prebiotics probiotics, postbiotics. I mean, they sound similar, but it's very fascinating how they work together. So probiotics contain the live microorganisms themselves, the kind that make up a flourishing microbiome. Prebiotics contain the nutrients that the microorganisms need. And postbiotics are natural byproducts that support the gut barrier. So it's like a whole spiel with Symbiotic plus and ritual. You get all three in one in a clinically studied supplement to support a balanced microbiome with daily use. In a study that modeled the human colon, Symbiotic plus increased the growth of beneficial bacteria and microbial diversity. You guys, let me tell you, this is something that you take for granted every day when your digestive system is going well and when it's not. Oh, baby, oh, baby. Do you remember better days? You guys, I love it because all my little immune medicines I'm on and immune system suppressants I'm on, I'm always trying to regulate and figure out and balance everything else going on in my body. And I love it because it's idiot proof. And honestly, when it comes to taking care of myself, I'm not always the most responsible. So a three in one, it's so easy for me. Get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Rituals. Symbiotic plus get 25% off your first month at ritual.com bald that's 25% off at ritual.com bald. Happy squatting. Today's bald and beautiful is brought to you by chime. You guys, I'm a little sick, so I can't do the little girl. I'm sorry. She'll probably sound like a little. Like a. Like, it sounds like she's on death's door. So we can't do little girl today. But I want to tell you guys, talk about a time it was serious to get ready with your finances here. Like, during my break, you guys, I did a full overhaul. I did something I think we all fantasize about, which is to go through all my bank accounts, my cards and my credit cards, and, like, look at every single charge and be like, what's going on? What's the last big purchase I made? You know, what is my credit score? Like, what debt do I have? How quickly am I paying it off? I mean, it was just a time where I was like, it's the time to get serious. Previously, my strategy was just to work as much as I can and then hope I have enough money for everything. All the time. But I think it was time in my life to get serious when my money moves and taking control of my finances by using a Chime checking account with features like no maintenance fees, fee fee, overdraft up to $200, getting paid two days early with direct deposit. I mean, I'm going to be honest, there was a time in my life where being able to get paid two days early would have changed everything for me. Oh my God. Like, talk about convenient. Because sometimes that verse of the month does not happen on a Friday. Learn [e-mail] Bald you guys, when I was in college, I remember I was a sophomore and I was with a certain bank. I won't say who it is, but it's a regional bank in the west. And I was overdrafting and my bank certainly was not proactive about letting me know. And so I was so deep in overdrafts and didn't even realize it really messed me up. And I remember calling the bank and crying and being like, if I didn't have enough money for that purchase, what makes you think I have enough money for all these overdraft fees? I mean, but Chime is a financial institution with a sense of community. Chime will allow you to overdraft up to $200 with no fees. You guys, that would have changed my life. I remember at that particular bank, the overdraft fee was $35. Oh my gosh. Racked up quick, honey. Chime helps you make progress with a fee free overdraft up to $200. Your next deposit is applied to your balance. 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[Ethan]

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[Cody]

I got a. Speaking of a dream, you know how I'm psychic?

[Drew]

Yes.

[Cody]

And the psychic occurrences continue to occur and the other night I had a dream that I was in a dream with my mom. And in the dream I was like, you know, mom, I'm in your dream. And she was like, yeah, you're in my dream. What's up with that?

[Trixie Mattel]

I was like, I don't know, I've.

[Cody]

Just seen your dream. So I called Val and I said, mom, last night I had a dream I was in a dream with you, and I always think I'm psychic and I really feel like I was in your dream. Did you have a dream that I was in your dream? And she said, no.

[Drew]

Okay. I was going to say, honor, you're leading the witness.

[Cody]

And then she said, no. And then she said, I have to go.

[Drew]

Who the fuck is this?

[Cody]

That's Val. That's my mom. I visited my last time. I see last time I saw my mom in Wisconsin. Mom, she doesn't listen to this pot. I don't care what she thinks. She doesn't know you're a true girl. That bitch is a bucket kid. That bitch thinks I'm in state Pen. I. I went into her house and she was sitting in the kitchen, pissed off. And I said, val, what's going on? She said.

[Drew]

You call your mom Val?

[Cody]

Yeah, sometimes.

[Drew]

Really?

[Cody]

Val, what's going on? She said, oh, wow. Well, your sister got me weed. It's not very strong, so I have to smoke so much of it just to get a little high. And I said, well, aren't you also on a pain pill? She said that? Don't do nothing.

[Drew]

Damn, Val.

[Cody]

And then later, later she walked out on the three season porch and instead of coming out to give me a hug to say bye, she just tapped on the wi. Tapped. She tapped on the screen and said, I'm gonna go back inside. That's all I got.

[Drew]

Love that shit.

[Cody]

Get you a mom who does both or neither. Is she mom? Is she Val? Either way, she's not interested.

[Drew]

Oh, she is. Non plus.

[Cody]

She cracks me up. But like I said, when I see people's like, who's are in entertainment like us and their moms are up their ass, like, I think I told you that when I saw Troye Sivan's tour. His mom and dad toured with them and they would stand in the front row every night and listen to him sing that song bloom about his butthole. I don't need all that. I don't need Val, front row, saying, I loved when you talked about the time you. I thought you had HIV and had to go get tested the next morning.

[Drew]

That's why. Because we're going to Providence soon. Ish. Providence, Rhode island, which is close to where my parents live. And they were like, oh, we could drive down and see the show. I was like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. And they understood.

[Cody]

They came to see Trixie and Kajal live, which I think is more.

[Drew]

That's like a. That was the theater show. Yeah, yeah. There was like, oh, look at us singing and dancing. Whatever. This is like being rotted and gutted and off the cuff. And it's like, don't come.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is.

[Drew]

You don't need, you know, don't come.

[Cody]

Why had somebody come to the POD for the first time recently, and they had to explain on the phone what we do? And the person on the other line was like, what do they do on stage? And I heard them say, but they just go. And they. There's chairs. And they just. They walk out and they. They'll sit and then they'll kind of talk, and then they'll stand up and turn around. Then the people clap and they go, my God.

[Drew]

I know, I know.

[Cody]

It's not right, but it's okay.

[Drew]

I know. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Cody]

Mary. So are these other drag queens. My new favorite thing is the way the other drag race queens are. Like, when they see us, when they see us perform, when they see us out in the wild, they're like, you and Katya, you just. You just do what you do, girl. You just out there doing your thing.

[Drew]

Like, it's like.

[Cody]

It's like they're in the Olympics and we're in the peewee league. You know what I mean?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

They've been drafted.

[Drew]

They have a contract, and we're doing, like.

[Cody]

Is it called squirt football? The kids. No, isn't it called squirt? It's not called squirt Squirt. It's that. That's not right.

[Drew]

That's what got peewee around.

[Cody]

No, I play squirt basketball. Squirt.

[Drew]

No, it's not squirt. Ain't nobody squirt, is it?

[Cody]

Squirt. Squirt. Squirm. Squirt.

[Drew]

It's.

[Cody]

I thought it was squirt. I play peewee squirt.

[Drew]

No, you're getting your wires crossed. Is not pee at. Squirt is a thing.

[Cody]

That's a separate thing.

[Drew]

Have I ever seen that video? You know, do I have eyeballs that.

[Cody]

Look at you know what I do when I'm doing myself? I squirt. I put the pillow between my legs and I press, I squirt. And the pillow's all yellow from the people are eating. Remember when we had that lovely Annie? We had Annie. She told us that so much of female ejaculation is naturally. A part of it is urine. Also male semen. Part of it's urine. But she said when you watch porn, a lot of times the girls are faking it and she watches it and she can tell. Oh, that's. That's just them peeing and pretending to come.

[Drew]

Yeah, I was. I mean, I recently saw this porno that drove me. I. I was so. It was such a strange feeling because I was like laughing and incredulous, but also obviously wanting to get off and horny. It was like a very.

[Cody]

You're jerking at laughing.

[Drew]

I had to pause because these things, like, are you two things.

[Cody]

Are you Joaquin Phoenix? The Joker?

[Drew]

Ma, ain't nobody. No, ain't nobody jerking into that, honey. Let's give it up to the terrifier housing the Joker at the box office.

[Cody]

Well, baby, we got Battle of the Clowns.

[Drew]

Battle of the Clowns.

[Cody]

Did you watch the first of the Face? No. I know.

[Drew]

It was. It made over a billion dollars. It was critical. It did it critically. It was the most highest grossing R rated picture ever, I believe.

[Cody]

What?

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah. And incredible. Broke all these.

[Cody]

I want to see it now.

[Drew]

It was very well received, well liked and well reviewed.

[Cody]

The Incels liked it. So that made me feel like I shouldn't watch it.

[Drew]

Well, no. Yeah, there was some stupid media blitz, you know, that it was gonna, like, have some effect. It was some stupid antiquated, like, video games are killing your kids. You know, that kind of thing. Inspire people to do crime, whatever.

[Cody]

Well, I thought it was like the guys who are, like, mad that we won't them or like this character's the.

[Drew]

Gonna rile up the Incels and they're gonna do what? Get out of their grandma's basement and try to. You.

[Cody]

Well, that was like in Shave their.

[Drew]

Neck beard Watchman Rorschach.

[Cody]

The character is written to be, like, really conservative and right wing and bad. And bad social skills, bad hygiene. And a lot of people who read that are like, he's the hero of the story. And I'm like, you think he's the.

[Drew]

He don't wash his diva. Yeah, yeah.

[Cody]

You know what I mean?

[Drew]

But Ms. Joker, part de folia de Honey. She got whacked.

[Cody]

She whacked. Why didn't people like it?

[Drew]

Because I think it was a bad, shitty kind of film. I think it was A despite the very talented efforts of Ms. Gaga and Phoenix, it was a flop. Tina of magnetic, of magna huge proportions.

[Cody]

I will sleep for the Gaga. I have to. I would watch Gaga do basically anything. I'm that kind of Stan. Lifelong Stan. But you know, whether or not that movie sucks, she's going to wear that little clown outfit until they announce the Oscars.

[Drew]

Sweetie, honey.

[Cody]

She's going to show up as a mime at shit and be like, mama.

[Drew]

Nobody'S collecting nothing for Joker Part 2 with the Oscars. You heard it here first. And Ms. Terrifier is coming down the hall and she's gonna. She's got a chainsaw and going right up your ass.

[Cody]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

That movie was, I think a 2 million dollar budget and she was like 15 million over the weekend.

[Cody]

That is disgusting. It's great. People want to watch that.

[Drew]

Mama. I saw a preview of it in the Egyptian with Joseph Shepherd. Everybody was. We were all sick and disgusting. The guy came out before the picture started. He was like, welcome, everybody. This movie is really fucking gross. And I mean it. I want to just really, really kind of just let you know that this movie is disgusting. I'm going to say it again just so that we're clear. What you're about to see is so gross and so nasty that if you think you might want to leave, you should plan your exit.

[Cody]

What do you like about it?

[Drew]

Well, the first two films are trash. They were bad.

[Cody]

You liked them.

[Drew]

No, no, no, no. I watched them.

[Cody]

You loved Terrifier too. You asked me if I've seen it. Like I day for my.

[Drew]

I loved it ironically. I mean, as a film. If we're talking critically as a film, it's very bad. It's. It's horribly paced, it's badly acted, it's way too long. Yada, yada, yada. If we're Roger Roger ebert.com we are Pauline Manola Dargis or whatever the.

[Cody]

Her name is Paulina Porsche.

[Drew]

Yeah. Elle McPherson from the New York Times. It's a bad movie. And the first one is almost unwatchably bad. This is watchable because it's tighter, it's scarier. The acting is better and the gore is cranked up to a level hitherto unseen by human eyeballs. Wow. Mama. It's so gratuitous is not even the word. I can't wait. Kill scenes are. We start with hacking up a child off screen because it's Christmas. It's a Christmas movie.

[Cody]

I'm a changed woman.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Cody]

I used to love like Saw and like that.

[Drew]

Well, I can't watch Saw is a little bit different because Saw is based in reality. That is it. That is the human world. This is a. This character, the clown. There's a supernatural element to it. So. And it's so over the top. It's like. It's like a splatter film where Saw is torture porn. I would characterize that Different Hostel is trying to emulate or simulate reality very closely. Right?

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

So when they. When a woman is getting slashed open and she's bathing in her blood, we're meant to believe that that is a real woman in Romania doing that. It's like, ugh, I hate that. But when the clown comes into the shower stall with a. With a chainsaw and the people fucking in the shower get chopped up, am.

[Cody]

I okay to just see three? Do I have to watch one and two?

[Drew]

You absolutely do not. I would recommend not watching one and two.

[Cody]

Okay, great.

[Drew]

I want to watch.

[Cody]

Mateo loves it, too.

[Drew]

I want to watch it with you. I think the three of us. Four of us need to sit down and watch the Terrifier 3. Because if you watch it home Alone, you're a psychopath.

[Cody]

Well, Mateo says the kids are. The people at home are mad because children get killed by the monster.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. But they don't. That was the big question going into this. Because they were like. They were like, okay, obviously, again, in the first one, a woman gets sawed in half from the pussy to the crown of the head. Okay? So that's the level of gore we're talking about. And the envelope gets pushed and pushed and pushed. And everybody was wondering, okay, it's Christmas. The trailer has a kid in it. Is, are we going to see a child getting murdered? Spoiler. You don't see. Oh, necessarily. But what you do see is so fucking crazy. It's so. It's so wild. And after every big set piece kill scene, the audience would erupt in applause. It's fierce. It was such a great experience seeing the movie.

[Cody]

I was reading something about why we like to watch people murder in movies get murdered. And they said it's because in movies, whenever people get murdered, their death gets an entire sequence leading up to it. Leading up to it. The murder. Which means everyone in the movies, death means something.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

And we as people, like imagining that our deaths will mean something. Isn't that interesting?

[Drew]

I mean, like, I like the. I rewatched saw 10. I think the only Saw movie that I actually like.

[Cody]

Because it's the one with the time jump.

[Drew]

No, it's the Revenge one. He gets bamboozled by the. The fake medical team. And then he's like, oh, my God.

[Cody]

I didn't watch it.

[Drew]

Oh, it's. It's fierce because it's a straight up revenge. Okay, I can't. No, I know. Yeah, that one is pretty brutal.

[Cody]

I can't watch that anymore. Yeah, I, you know, got up enough that now I'm like, I can't.

[Drew]

I can't do biting nipples or nipple torture. That's where I draw the line.

[Cody]

I gotta watch, like, not Care Bears, but I gotta watch, like, extreme cheapskates. Like, coupon moms. Like, I love a couponer girl, you need. During my breakout series Fluff, I watch videos of women, like, getting up to the register. The moms. It's usually women. The couponers. I'm not gendering, but it's usually moms. It's usually moms. Who's their. Their love for couponing came from having to stretch a dollar, which I think is amazing.

[Drew]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Cody]

And a lot of these coupons you can stack the store offer with the brand. Like Gillette is giving you a deal, and Pick and Save is giving you a deal, and you have dollars that.

[Drew]

You can roll over stacking.

[Cody]

These whores get up there, and if one of their coupons doesn't scan, honey, it's like their whole family's been murdered.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

The tears start. They're looking at the camera going, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's all just been for nothing. It's crazy.

[Drew]

It's wild.

[Cody]

And then eventually they're like, oh, wait, sorry, you just had it upside down. And then it all works out and they're in the. But the horny part is $1,000 in groceries.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This episode is sponsored by Zocdoc. I recently had dinner with the president of the Tarot Card Readers association of Greater Los Angeles, and we had a very interesting conversation. Geelzebub St James told me that they live much of their life based on the teachings of Forrest Gump. Life very much mimics that of a box of chocolates, meaning you never know what you're going to get. And while life is chaotic and there are actually times when crapshoots and risks are okay, there are many other times when they're not okay, such as those that involve your healthcare. So if I may return to the box of chocolates metaphor, life is indeed like a box of chocolate. But Zocdoc is like that one brand of chocolates who prints the type of chocolate on the underside of the lid. So while you're exposed to the beautiful variety of chocolate that life provides, you can pick and choose exactly what is right for you. I think that Gielsburg St. James would very much agree with the statement that finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crapshoot. That's where Zocdoc comes in. Zocdoc is the best place to find and book doctors who specialize in the specific field of medicine you need, whether that be inside or outside that mysterious body of yours. You can filter for doctors who take your specific insurance, who are located close to your home. If you're like me and hate to to drive, and most importantly, who are highly rated by real life verified patients. You can also see their real time appointment openings. Choose a time that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. Zocdoc appointments happen very fast, sometimes within just 24 to 72 hours of booking and sometimes you can even score same day appointments. The best part though, zocdoc is free. You can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. With ZocDoc you've got more options than you know. I love ZocDoc because I develop a new rash somewhere on my body almost every day, so I need to find a good local doctor wherever I may be. I want to see verified reviews by actual patients and I want to see them quickly and easily. ZocDoc helps me find the best doctor in my area and book them fast. If I can find a great doctor, so can you. And all because of zocdoc. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com bald to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c d o c.com bald zocdoc.com bald Today's episode of Bald.

[Ethan]

And the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at via hi, it's me, Trixie Mattel, professional, calm person and professional relaxer. You know, I just went on my long sabbatical that all of you know about and I thought a lot about what my strategies might be when I do come back to work to how to make sure like I don't end up in the same level of stress and make sure that I know exactly how and when to like, you know, relax and like get myself in the right space to chill. And now we're all about to start the holiday stuff and that's about to be like a whole rattle. You know, although I really recommend online shopping. Save yourself the drama, okay, but you know, even that, give yourself a little break from the stress. You know, Last year I hosted holidays.

[Trixie Mattel]

For the first time.

[Ethan]

I had to be the one who cook everything and did the tree and like it.

[Trixie Mattel]

It wore me out.

[Ethan]

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[Trixie Mattel]

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[Cody]

Did I tell you about Costco?

[Drew]

You did you fucking bitch.

[Cody]

Wait, did I tell you about it?

[Drew]

You called me. This, this whore called me about she had just discovered a wholesale Sam's.

[Cody]

Finally it has happened to me. Let me tell you about Ralph's in bulk. Trader Joe's Ain't shit, Erwan Garbage, Ralph's Pick and save trash, Whole Foods, Feces, Costco. I went to the Costco. Yeah, in we got Costco, we got.

[Drew]

Sam's club, we got BJ's in Hamburg, Kentucky.

[Cody]

Okay, I went to the Costco.

[Drew]

Now what are you buying in bulk, bitch?

[Cody]

Baby, I wouldn't think baby oil. I wouldn't think dildos. I thought I'm just gonna get a couple items.

[Drew]

Then you got 682 dildos.

[Cody]

Okay? Imagine the compulsive buying of Target. But everything comes in value packs.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I know what.

[Drew]

I know what comes in.

[Cody]

Do you want hand lotion? Here's your gallon. You know what I mean? Like, no.

[Drew]

Here's a pallet. Yeah, you buy things by the pallet and they're shrink wraps.

[Cody]

But it's cunty.

[Drew]

No, it is cunty. I mean, I wonder what razors.

[Cody]

Okay, let me tell you something at CVS, the Gillette razors. A pack of what, eight? Because it's four in a pack. A pack of eight razors is $30.

[Drew]

No, no. So Gillette razors for the My Mach 3 that refills. If I want four of them, it's $162.

[Cody]

They're dead serious.

[Drew]

You get 12 of them, it's only $438. So you save about 50 cents.

[Cody]

Can I tell you at Costco, a pack of 18 Gillette Mach 3 razors.

[Drew]

How much?

[Cody]

$19. I don't believe that for 18 I got two. I will have razors for 36 sessions for $20 times two. It's.

[Drew]

Now imagine if you had a coupon, you would have flooded that place.

[Cody]

Well, I don't think they let you do come out at Costco, right? No, but you can get tires. You can get a $50 hot dog.

[Drew]

I got tires, I got lube, I got ramen, and I got towels for the bathroom.

[Cody]

The only problem is like if what you like what you get, you better like it. Well, I got three bags of Raisin Bran, Mommy. Three bags of cinnamon.

[Drew]

42 years of age. I think I know what I like.

[Cody]

Right?

[Drew]

You know what I mean?

[Cody]

Mozzarella sticks for the air fryer. 48 of them.

[Drew]

Air fryer?

[Cody]

Air fryer.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do I need to get air frying?

[Drew]

Tinta, do I need to fry the air?

[Cody]

You know, people who say it changed their life, I think they must live a very sad life. It should end. Yeah, but I think it is cool.

[Drew]

My, my brother in law, air fry is turkeys.

[Cody]

Like the air fryer changed my life.

[Drew]

I know.

[Cody]

They're like, Buddhism can change a life. Do you know what I mean?

[Drew]

Yeah. Scientology, air fryer. Joining a cult. Girl, change your life. Coupons, but change.

[Cody]

There's some caveats to Costco. You got a membership?

[Drew]

Yes. And what is that membership exactly?

[Cody]

Girl, don't know. I brought a friend. And the other problem is some of the stuff you just need one.

[Drew]

Like what?

[Cody]

Like there was onions.

[Drew]

One toilet paper onions. Oh, you're not.

[Cody]

And I was like food. And I had to get 10 onions.

[Drew]

You're not buying food in bulk.

[Cody]

Then I'm googling how to use 10 onions.

[Drew]

Buying perishables in bulk.

[Cody]

I did Are you.

[Drew]

Disaster.

[Cody]

And I would do it again. Strawberries.

[Drew]

That is the worst thing to buy in bulk. They go. They go rotten in 18 minutes.

[Cody]

But like, a thing of strawberries, like this. Ate it in, like, two days.

[Drew]

Mama, you got diarrhea.

[Cody]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Drew]

It's diarrhea.

[Cody]

But Costco was awesome.

[Drew]

And I'd have to buy toilet paper in bulk because I'd be shitting my brains out.

[Cody]

Yes.

[Drew]

Do you use toilet paper still?

[Cody]

Yeah. Well, this summer, where I was staying, it was a very fancy bidet. Heated seat, a light that turned on at night, a butthole dryer sensor, and a sprayer for the front and the pussy. Wait, the back and the. Which was really nice. And at home, I have the.

[Drew]

And she sounded like Scarlett Johansson when she talked. You're clean now, Brian.

[Cody]

What's the one? Tushy. Tushy at the studio. I like that.

[Drew]

I tushy. That was confusing me because I. I recently canceled or tried to cancel a subscription to TUSHY.com, which is a porn site. It's an anal porn site. It's girls getting up with the butt. And they got a bundle with blacked. And they got a vixen. It's a whole. It's a whole thing.

[Cody]

Is blacked what I think it is?

[Drew]

Yeah. Yeah. It's goth. Yes. But they. I gotta tell you briefly, the brief segue, or sec non sequitur, the. The dazzling 4K crystalline image of these sexual acts is just.

[Cody]

You gotta be hot now in porn because the cameras are hd.

[Drew]

And you better get those Gillettes from Costco and you better get that smoothing bomb and aftershave. No, because that fucking. That James Cameron's got his fucking lens right up that. Snatched. Getting pounded mercilessly by a big fat dong in the blazing sunshine of Capri.

[Cody]

Right?

[Drew]

Crazy. Crazy.

[Cody]

So Costco was lit. The other place that was really lit, lit, really lit, was Bucky's.

[Drew]

What the fuck is Bucky's? It's like Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, my God. The hat, too. You in the. Oh, my God. This is. It's like.

[Cody]

You think, yeah, I just fell out of a coconut tree.

[Drew]

What the fuck is this?

[Cody]

So it's a. Like. Kind of like a truck stop. You know what that is? You used to stop trucks.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

Stop traffic. Stop.

[Drew]

Yeah. You're dangling my wheel.

[Cody]

Your drag stops traffic.

[Drew]

Now 10 car pile up.

[Cody]

Long legs, legs, Mama.

[Drew]

Those legs were not long or good.

[Cody]

You watched. Loved it. Watched it twice.

[Drew]

I hated it. I loved it. It didn't give you nothing. That Silence of the lambs and seven. And David lynch didn't do 10 times better. I hated her. Those legs were shitty and nasty. And Ms. Osgood Perkins can suck my wiener.

[Cody]

Damn.

[Drew]

Sorry. Go ahead.

[Cody]

You know what Bucky's.

[Drew]

Bucky's. Bucky.

[Cody]

Well, it's like a giant. Giant. I've heard about it from my friend. My friend's from Buffalo, and he always had a Bucky shirt on. And I was like, what's Bucky's? And he was always. Tell me about it. And then on Trixie Motel, one of the camera people had a buc EE's like attire and was telling us about it. And. But it's not everywhere. It's a giant truck stop, giant convenience store with. It's almost like a Target supermarket.

[Drew]

It's like. It's like everything Mart.

[Cody]

Do you want peanuts? We have 46 kinds. You wet every type of Gatorade in every size. Gum, slushies. Cigarettes, of course. Sandwiches. Cigarette. I mean, hot foods. Hot foods.

[Drew]

Soup.

[Cody]

Clothes.

[Drew]

Clothes. Games, Gadgets.

[Cody]

Oh, charcuterie boards. I mean, DVDs, skillets. A cast iron skillet.

[Drew]

DVDs.

[Cody]

I don't think DVDs. Camping equipment, coolers.

[Drew]

Guns.

[Cody]

I don't think guns. But it was really awesome. I went twice. And they have the cleanest restrooms in America. They boast very clean restrooms. Very clean.

[Drew]

That's a ballsy boast.

[Cody]

It was very clean.

[Drew]

That's a ballsy boast. I have to tell you what happened in that restroom.

[Cody]

I have to tell you what happened to me.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's so bad.

[Cody]

It's so bad. It's so bad. Holy shit. Okay. I killed a guy.

[Drew]

His dead body.

[Cody]

Me and my friends hid his body. Then the next summer, he came back to kill us with a hook. No. I went to a bathroom and.

[Drew]

Is this a poopy scene?

[Trixie Mattel]

Okay.

[Cody]

No. Can I just say, and this is part of gay fear. When I go to the restroom and I have to have to squirt, you.

[Drew]

Worry about Harry Connick Jr. Strangling you?

[Cody]

Not so much.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Cody]

I worry that other men are going to think because I'm. That I'm looking at their dicks. So when I go to stand at the urinal, I'm almost like, you do the urinal. Don't look. You know. You know that moment in the Walking Dead where Carol kills that little girl and she's like, just look at the flowers. That's me. I'm peeing. I'm like, just look at the flowers. Oh, I Love the wallpaper in here. Oh, the ceiling. So I wasn't really looking down. This was a full restroom. This is so bad, guys.

[Drew]

I'm griveted and it's shocking. I'm seated.

[Cody]

Let's just say I thought all of that pee was going in the urinal. Isn't that horrible? And so I'm just not going to elaborate.

[Drew]

Pissed all over the floor, everywhere. All you.

[Cody]

Isn't that horrible?

[Drew]

You flooded that fucking bathroom with piss. You.

[Cody]

Isn't that horrible?

[Drew]

You shining. But piss.

[Cody]

Not a lot. Kind of a lot, but more than you should, which is any.

[Drew]

You know what I mean? So it's all over your legs and your feet and everybody else.

[Cody]

I'm not going to give further details, but I'm just saying, even if you're gay.

[Drew]

And what does this have to do with being gay?

[Cody]

I'm afraid if I look down or like somebody's going to think I'm looking at them.

[Drew]

Look down. Is there. Is there. Is this like a wall with divider?

[Cody]

There was no divider.

[Drew]

What?

[Cody]

Yeah. I don't know. I can't explain.

[Drew]

First of all, you gotta do. That's okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I went into.

[Drew]

For. I went. I visited a pissoir. Exactly one time in Paris.

[Cody]

A piss war.

[Drew]

A pissoir. P I S S O I R. It's a round fucking trough that everybody pisses in the round. I.

[Cody]

This is gay.

[Drew]

No, it's disgusting. It's French. It's not gay, it's French. It's a pissoir. And if. And in many disgusting European venues I have. Or like public bathrooms, whatever that is like a wall of the urinal and there's like a divot and it goes, you know, with no dividers. That to me is unconscionable. Unbelievable. Like the way that we flop so hard on restrooms as a society, as humans, is just flagrant and abusive.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Stalls, period. Stalls, period. Just a stall. Only stalls.

[Cody]

Just do stalls.

[Drew]

No, no urinals.

[Cody]

Why urinals?

[Drew]

No, no, no.

[Cody]

Why urine?

[Drew]

Because. It's just. Because men are designing and in control and in charge and then constructing these things. They're like, well, you know.

[Cody]

But even with urinals, why not doors? Why not privacy?

[Drew]

Well, I have never. So we were at the airport the other day and I had to use the restroom very badly. Now I am extremely P shy and I've been known to go forced to use a urinal with a divider, bladder full, ready for infection, like on the verge of death, dialysis, and still can't get it out because I'm aware of those people around me. The only trick I know, I put on my headphones. Noise canceling. And then blast a song.

[Cody]

Sure.

[Drew]

I can't hear. I can't hear. I cannot hear anything. I don't know if I'm farting too. Doesn't matter. It does not matter. I could be myself. It doesn't. It's. It's, you know, it's none of my business because I can't hear it.

[Cody]

Wait, are you standing or sitting?

[Drew]

I'm in the urinal. No, I'm standing at the urinal. But I will. The image of me with headphones on at the urinal.

[Cody]

Girl standing at the urinal with head. Headphones on. Loud as yourself. The whole back of your pants just swelling with turds.

[Drew]

No, you're. You have the, your, the butthole is propped at the, at the end of the. The urinal. And you're like, you go flush it like that. And then you just wiggle out. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying I look for a stall. If there none is vacant. First of all, I won't wait in a line. You know how sometimes if a large flight de planes and then the bathroom gets flooded, there's a line. I won't wait in that line. I'm going on the next bathroom. I'm trying again. I'm trying to find a less populated bathroom.

[Cody]

I'm going to the family restroom. I'm gonna lay down.

[Drew]

I'm going into the all gender bathroom.

[Cody]

Why don't they have the all gender bathroom?

[Drew]

I don't know.

[Cody]

Because men are creeps.

[Drew]

Because. Oh, I think I, I.

[Cody]

Because the men are at home googling. Watch the girl pee porn.

[Drew]

I don't know, but it's the fact. It just. I, I can't. I don't like pissing with other people.

[Cody]

Right.

[Drew]

I don't like that.

[Cody]

Well, especially when some of them apparently can't pee in the urinal.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

What's wrong with me? I think I've never done 35 years. I've never peed on the floor at a public restroom. I guess maybe everyone has to have an accident once. Humiliating.

[Drew]

Yeah. No, there have been.

[Cody]

No one noticed.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

Still humiliating.

[Drew]

Yes, that is humiliating.

[Cody]

Because also, let's be honest, because there's often wet spots in the bathroom on the floor. I'm sure I'm not the first one.

[Drew]

Honey, this is what I do. Let me tell you something. You might not want to shake your hands if you beat me in real life, because this story will tell you why You. You know how you held my hand last episode. For quite a long time. Let this. Chew on this for a second. I go into a stall. If there's piss everywhere on the seat or whatever, I clean it up.

[Cody]

I like that.

[Drew]

But then I piss all over it to. To bring it back to where it was.

[Cody]

This is such.

[Drew]

No, I really. I do clean it up.

[Cody]

Do you remember that story about me peeing? My peeing on the floor in Dragon? That also happened.

[Drew]

You. Wait, peed on the floor?

[Cody]

But you remember, this was a few years ago. I was on a press tour, and I had to sit to pee and drag because of all the tights and stuff. I. I couldn't really feel what was what. And I think my. Remember, I peed all over the floor and in drag. I got on the floor and cleaned it up with paper towels, and someone walked in and saw me, and I said, someone peed on the floor. I've told you this, like, 10 times. Isn't that horrible? I cannot.

[Drew]

Like, I should.

[Cody]

I think. I think guns should be legal so someone can shoot me. True.

[Drew]

Well, they are. We're in Burbank, and there's a gun. There's a gun store literally about 1500ft down the road.

[Cody]

Girl. Can I tell you, I spent a lot of my break, you know, watching the news and stuff, and then I went to Wasauce, Wisconsin, where I'm from, just a couple weeks ago, and I spent the whole week up north in Wisconsin.

[Drew]

And, you know, it was gorgeous.

[Cody]

It was gorgeous. But I spent a lot of my break in the south, and I guess I thought the south is always more conservative. I never saw more Trump signs and more conservative than my hometown in Wasaukee. It was so devastating and sick to drive around and be like, damn, damn, damn. I know who lives there. And damn, you know what I mean? I know there's people in this town. I'm like, oh, oh, I know her. Oh, God, her yard, you know?

[Drew]

You know, I'm also. I am fl. I'm kind of, like, flummoxed by the. Just the act of, like, putting up signs.

[Cody]

Well, a Harris sign is always normal size. The Trump sign is always inflammatory. Yeah. Crazy.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Their product design, it doesn't exist exactly. Like, reek of, like, elegance or subtlety or, like, sophistication. I don't think it's in. That's in their brand. But, like, I just think those signs and stickers are, like, I don't like them. I don't want words and stuff. Just, like, aesthetically, for My eyeballs.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I don't like that.

[Cody]

You think it should just be hieroglyphs?

[Drew]

No, like runes or something. Something more obscure or like graffiti. I don't know. It's like, this is who I'm going to vote for. Like, fuck you. I don't know. I know we just made that video.

[Cody]

But it's like, I don't know, small town, Wisconsin was. You know, I have all positive memories of growing up there.

[Drew]

Wait, do you still get you. Do you have a fear of being gay bash when you go back there?

[Cody]

I did for the first this time. I really did.

[Drew]

I was like, you don't look gay, though. I mean, now you do, but, like.

[Cody]

But you know, I have my little boy drag that's all flannels, and you can't. I mean, I don't open my mouth.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mary.

[Cody]

I walk. I. I walk like a. You want to see my straight walk? Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah, please. You're like Elaine dancing in Seinfeld. Yeah, well, you know, straight guys got groove and that's really groovy, you know. Swag. Sorry. They got swag and then got riz.

[Cody]

You know, I. You know, it was just a lot of people who. I recognize them and they don't recognize me. Like, the guy who served me at one of the restaurants was my high school basketball coach.

[Trixie Mattel]

And I was like, oh, God, I.

[Cody]

Know you hated me.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Cody]

And now you're. Now you're taking my pizza order.

[Drew]

You. Oh, yeah, that's right. You would recognize them. But how the fuck would they remember.

[Cody]

You that at all? And so a lot of people. A lot of. A lot of that going on. I heard my. I heard my first in a long time. Full volume, full chest. N word.

[Drew]

In what context?

[Cody]

In a public place, watching baseball.

[Drew]

No way.

[Cody]

And I was just, like, used in a pejorative sense.

[Drew]

Of course.

[Cody]

I. I hate. From a small town is. It was a hard.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Cody]

Yes. And loud. And not nervous at all. I have not heard that in such a long time.

[Drew]

Yeah, that is a very. That's. That's a. That's a. That's a pretty loud dog whistle.

[Cody]

Crazy to be that loud in front of everyone, in front of people. You don't know.

[Drew]

It's like, this is a safe space to kill black folks.

[Cody]

Crazy, you know? Yeah, crazy. Crazy. So then I was like, damn, I hate loving being from a small town. But it's hard to not also acknowledge that there's some really ignorant. Yeah, ignorant ignorance.

[Drew]

It's just ignorant.

[Cody]

It's hard.

[Drew]

Also, I had. We were in drag. Two days. And I painted my nails, my actual fingernails for the first time. And then I didn't have nail polish remover at home.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I was in the Uber today with. Holding my phone and practicing my duolingo with. With red nails. And I was like, so uncomfortable.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Because I was like, I don't want to be read as gay because that, that means my brain goes, you see fingernails, gay. Kill me.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Cody]

Like literally, like in my hometown. I was like, wow, I'm a little scared here. I was. I fully was.

[Drew]

It sucks. And then we watched that fucking. That horrifying series, which will come out soon on Netflix. The woman of the hour.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And every single time one of these. These poor ladies got attacked. I'm like the way that I would want to be strapped. Like I'm a cartoon action hero with guns and firearms and blades and. And weaponry to just avoid the violence of men.

[Cody]

Yeah. If you're a woman.

[Drew]

Yeah. Walking alone to my car. And he's going to come. The killers come in. I got a Glock, I got a Beretta, I got a buck knife, I got mace. I got pepper spray, I got chemicals.

[Cody]

Do you have a cross?

[Drew]

No, it's too bulky. Gives it away. Because I don't. They're going to think I'm vulnerable.

[Cody]

Right, Right.

[Drew]

You know what I mean? But I also got tons. My breasts I don't have. I have a small titties, but I got tons of shotgun rounds in my bra so I can reload. You know what I mean?

[Cody]

You've had the breast tissue scraped out so you can keep napalm.

[Drew]

Yes. I got sarin gas. Last resort. But it's always there. Like, I would be the Mr. Bean go go Gadget, protect myself kind of girl.

[Cody]

Right.

[Drew]

I would want to be armed and I would want to kill in defense because the threat of violence is in. The threat to my safety is so looming and present.

[Cody]

It's horrible. I'm in my town.

[Drew]

Don't kill people.

[Cody]

I was in the only bar in town that was open and I was talking to the bartender. I thought we were having a nice time. And she goes, I gotta ask you, you. Who are you guys going to vote for?

[Drew]

You're kidding.

[Cody]

Mex.

[Drew]

At the bar.

[Cody]

At the bar. At the one bar that's open in a 400 population town. And I was like, damn. To be asked who you vote for at a bar.

[Drew]

No, that's by the bar.

[Cody]

Never in my life.

[Drew]

No, I never either. And by the bartenders, like by a service worker who's like, you would think, like, her tip could depend on this.

[Cody]

Yeah. But also, like, me drinking at your bar isn't dependent on me knowing that about you.

[Drew]

Also, it's cheers. Everybody knows your name. Like, the bar should be, like, an equalizer. We're all here. Get drunk.

[Cody]

Totally.

[Drew]

Totally. The world is shit. It's a relief. It's like, you go. You like you. You drunk. You drink your sorrows. It's a respite. It's a. It's an oasis, not a fucking. Like a interrogation.

[Cody]

I was just disappointed to be asked. I thought it was really inappropriate.

[Drew]

I hate that.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I don't know how I would respond to that. I probably would have been. I would probably would have pulled a lady bunny, and I would have been like, well, you know, the electoral college is absolute bullshit and voting doesn't matter. So what do you say to that?

[Cody]

Boop.

[Drew]

You know what I mean? I just would have been, like, antagonistic.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Because there's a lot of truth in that. I don't find it helpful.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Or productive, necessarily.

[Cody]

But I just was there to drink and support the business. I was just disappointed.

[Drew]

I'm just glad you're drinking again.

[Cody]

I was disappointed in that being brought up.

[Drew]

I'm just so glad you're on the sauce.

[Cody]

Oh, it's great.

[Drew]

Yeah. I mean, they invented it for a reason, and it's been around forever for a cause.

[Cody]

Yeah. I mean, I definitely don't want to drink a lot in my life, but it's nice to be like, oh, I'll have it at dinner if I want. Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

You know, we're European.

[Drew]

We kind of have wine at dinner.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Are you going to get your license?

[Cody]

Yeah. So I had to do a change of address. I had to do a change of address, and now I have to fill out the paperwork. Can I ask you a question?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Cody]

When. When you got your California state license, you got it renewed. Did you. Was that your first time getting the California state license?

[Drew]

Yes.

[Cody]

So even though my last license was Wisconsin, I can renew as a California state license, right?

[Drew]

Yeah. And I was. I studied. I had to take a test. Of course, I studied incredibly more than I've ever studied in school.

[Cody]

I'm taking the test.

[Drew]

Yeah. Yeah. I missed two questions. I was so embarrassed.

[Cody]

And then if you missed three, I think you fail.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know. I know. It's like, it's. And it should be. Mary, let me tell you something. You should not just take a test and go around the block to get a license. It should be two years of training.

[Cody]

And that's a bipartisan issue.

[Drew]

Thank you.

[Cody]

Yeah, yeah.

[Drew]

I mean, I'm. If you're. You have the control of a £2,000 death machine that goes up to 140 miles an hour, you could kill, I don't know, 500 people in a day easy with that thing. And it's like we give it to 16 year olds.

[Cody]

Well, I also feel like the younger you start people driving, the more their young spongy brain picks up the skill set, Right? Well, yeah.

[Drew]

Like in the country, the 14 year olds are driving those tractors. Mama.

[Cody]

Because I do think a lot of the racism surrounding some ethnic groups as being bad drivers has to be. Has to do with people being first generation, like learning to drive in their 40s, 50s.

[Drew]

Also. We need to. We need to take the. We need to pry these oldies grips off the steering wheel and get these geriatrics out the Caddies.

[Cody]

They can go run for president.

[Drew]

Mama. If they can't see three feet in front of them, why are they driving that Buick? It's highway.

[Cody]

It's actually fierce.

[Drew]

It's horribly fierce. When I look over, it's like Moses and Methuselah and Aunt edna who's like 102.

[Cody]

Like, it's awesome.

[Drew]

No, it's crazy. It's crazy. I hate those oldies in the car.

[Cody]

Sometimes ageism is cunty, you know, Sometimes ageism protect us all.

[Drew]

I would like to get them out of the car and out of the nursing home and into a wonderful.

[Cody]

And into the supreme court.

[Drew]

Yeah, the Sky Med.

[Cody]

Yeah, totally. Sky Med. Sky Med.

[Drew]

Sky Med. Just pump them full of IV volume and they.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They go float into the great beyond.

[Cody]

Yeah.

[Drew]

You know, they have at the. So Sky Med has like a. In the fine print, if you die, which of course you have to sign a waiver, your body gets ejected through a cool little bank chute out of the plane. And what is the land in the ocean?

[Cody]

Oh, okay.

[Drew]

You can choose like land or sea. But you also have to pay for.

[Cody]

The land is rude.

[Drew]

Yeah, you have to pay a deductible.

[Cody]

Right. Straight through an Orange Julius at the Riverdale mall. Damn.

[Drew]

Through the buckies.

[Cody]

Through the buckies. I think, I do think Bucky should add. If they added a chapel. I think people get married there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Drew]

And a dunk tank. Would you come through? Would you come to my watch? Water wedding.

[Cody]

What's a water wedding?

[Drew]

A wedding in water.

[Cody]

We're done. We're back. We're back. Unfortunately. Bye.