Stockholm Syndrome: Live from Sweden with Trixie and Katya!

Summary

Summary of "Stockholm Syndrome: Live from Sweden with Trixie and Katya!"

Episode Release Date: July 15, 2025
Podcast: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
Hosts: Trixie Mattel, Katya Zamolodchikova, with Brandon

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Introduction: Touching Down in Sweden

In this vibrant episode, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova, accompanied by their co-host Brandon, embark on a lively exploration of Swedish culture and their personal adventures in Stockholm. The trio delves into the nuances of everyday life in Sweden, offering humorous and candid insights into their experiences as visitors navigating a new cultural landscape.

---

Exploring Stockholm’s Attractions

Theme Park Adventures

The hosts share their escapades at a local Swedish theme park, detailing the unique and sometimes bizarre rides they encountered. Katya recounts her overwhelming experience on the "Witch Ride," emphasizing the unexpected blend of whimsical and unsettling elements designed for children but delivered with a Swedish twist.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [43:08]: “I couldn't believe it. Because in America, well, it would never happen.”

Observatory Observations

Brandon narrates his attempts to enjoy a serene visit to a park observatory, only to be met with the stark differences in public behavior and amenities compared to the United States. The discussion highlights how Swedish public spaces are meticulously maintained yet sometimes lack the vibrant social interactions typical in American parks.

• Brandon [06:06]: “Like Americans are just like Swedes if you take away like 30 IQ points or 40 IQ points and then no knowledge of any other foreign language. So basically twins.”

---

Cultural Contrasts: Swedish vs. American Society

Public Behavior and Social Norms

The conversation shifts to the hosts' observations of Swedish etiquette and societal norms. Katya notes the reserved nature of Swedes, contrasting it with the more outgoing American demeanor.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [09:22]: “That's one of the main principles of being Swedish. Do not ever speak to another person as long as you live.”

Brandon humorously critiques these differences, particularly focusing on the lack of readily available social interactions and amenities like air conditioning in hotels.

• Brandon [04:36]: “This is such a beautiful theater, that circus. Yes. Ticket price, very expensive.”

Community Spirit and Safety

A heartwarming segment features the hosts discussing the strong sense of community in Sweden, exemplified by a collective effort to reunite with a lost pet, highlighting the cooperative spirit prevalent among Swedes.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [60:55]: “And the entire street of all the people sitting outside stands up and starts clapping.”

---

Personal Anecdotes: Navigating Life in Sweden

Interactions with Locals

Brandon shares an amusing encounter with an Uber driver who took him on an unexpected scenic route, leading to playful selfie sessions amidst the picturesque Swedish landscape.

• Brandon [17:05]: “But at one point he pulled up to this like, beautiful vista. He made me get out and take selfies and I didn't want to.”

Cultural Misunderstandings and Humor

The hosts engage in light-hearted banter about Swedish inventions and societal quirks, such as the innovative use of bike lanes and public transportation systems, infused with their trademark humor.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [06:32]: “We don't give a. Okay, you can. I tell you, you will get killed in that bike lane, Mary.”

---

Reflections on Identity and Appearance

Embracing Baldness

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the theme of baldness, where the hosts humorously address societal perceptions and personal experiences of being bald. They encourage embracing baldness as a unique aspect of their identity rather than viewing it negatively.

• Brandon [77:50]: “Being bald is not a death sentence. It's not an affliction. It's an opportunity.”

Celebrity References and Pop Culture

Trixie and Katya reference various celebrities who have embraced baldness, adding a layer of pop culture appreciation to their discussion.

• Brandon [78:37]: “We got Vin Diesel secretly gay. By the way, Cynthia Erivo.”

---

Surreal and Humorous Segments

Dreams and Psychic Phenomena

Katya and Brandon share quirky stories about their dreams and supposed psychic experiences, blending personal anecdotes with exaggerated humor to entertain their audience.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [83:22]: “I had a dream about the number of people that died and they did.”

Interactive Banter and Audience Engagement

The hosts engage in playful interactions, including mock scenarios and humorous dialogues, maintaining a lively and engaging atmosphere throughout the episode.

• Brandon [106:54]: “Do you want to have like a Viking death?”

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Conclusion: Wrapping Up in Stockholm

As the episode draws to a close, Trixie and Katya reflect on their time in Sweden, expressing a mix of admiration and humorous critique of the local culture. They tease future adventures and encourage listeners to embrace cultural differences with an open mind and a sense of humor.

• Katya Zamolodchikova [84:35]: “Do you guys have Girl Scouts here?”

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Notable Quotes

• Brandon [04:09]: “Let's talk about it. I don't like it.”
• Katya Zamolodchikova [60:35]: “It's the Scandinavian spirit you just can't buy anywhere.”
• Brandon [77:50]: “Being bald is cunty. You know, it really is.”

---

Insights and Takeaways

• Cultural Adaptation: The hosts highlight the challenges and humorous aspects of adapting to a new culture, emphasizing the importance of openness and flexibility.

• Community and Safety: Sweden's strong sense of community and meticulous approach to public safety contrast sharply with American societal norms, offering listeners a glimpse into alternative social structures.

• Embracing Individual Identity: Through their candid discussions on baldness and personal quirks, Trixie and Katya advocate for self-acceptance and celebrating one's unique traits.

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This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya offers a delightful blend of humor, cultural exploration, and personal anecdotes, making it an engaging listen for both regular followers and newcomers interested in the dynamic lives of these iconic queens.

Transcript

[Trixie Mattel]

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

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[Brandon]

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

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[Brandon]

The summer is heating up with Marvel Studios. The Fantastic Four. Line them up, Johnny. On July 25th, time to save the planet. What's the plan? Trust me, I hate that. Bad plan. Come on. That's a stupid plan. Prepare for Fantastic. Fantastic.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We will face this together as a family.

[Brandon]

Marvel Studios The Fantastic Four First Steps Only in theaters July 25 May PG13 Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13. Get tickets now. Welcome home, honey. Welcome home.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Welcome to the home of the Sweden. Wow. Tomorrow we should go to Russia. You know, maybe not today.

[Brandon]

Maybe not today.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Maybe not today. Stockholm. How the fuck are you?

[Brandon]

Pieces of at the good old Circus.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gal Good old Circus gal oh, this.

[Brandon]

Is such a beautiful theater, that circus. Yes. Ticket price, very expensive.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, you know what I think is expensive? We're across from that hotel. The hassle Back in Hasselbacher. Hasselback in thing. That fancy pink building across from us. What are they not like a rich ass hotel.

[Brandon]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do they do over there that's so special?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it's like every other hotel here. They charge you top dollar for zero air conditioning.

[Brandon]

Oh. Oh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

There ain't no way.

[Brandon]

Let's talk about it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Let's talk about it. I don't like it.

[Brandon]

So delicious.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't like it.

[Brandon]

I don't either. You know, I don't like to complain, except every word out of my mouth is the complaint. Oh. Do you mind if I say.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Hold on. What the fuck? This little fucking wooden chair. This is the first Nordic chair ever carved from a Viking ship.

[Brandon]

We're giving really hot cunts.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know. My pussy's out.

[Brandon]

I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Me too. Me too.

[Brandon]

So I usually. Let's just get it off, get it on the table and then throw it off the table. This is my pussy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

You will see it from time to time over the course of the next 90 minutes. So just make peace with that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Your mind.

[Brandon]

Okay?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Just. It's going to be fine. You know what? You paid to see it. You might as well get to look at it all night. Okay.

[Brandon]

Thank God I got my paper straw.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I also heard that we're taping tonight, aren't we? We're audio recording. Say hello to the people in their cars.

[Brandon]

Oh, baby. That's right. That's right. Rest of the world, you can suck our cuz. We're in Sweden.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're in Sweden, baby. Ooh. Oh, yes. What an incredibly opportune time to leave the United States.

[Brandon]

Oh, my God. Not a moment too soon. What a. What a boiling, festering diaper bag of.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh my God. I stay up late and watch the American CNN feed. I sound like Brenda in Scary Movie. I'm just like, just screaming.

[Brandon]

It's so it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, what can I tell you? It's not us. You can count on us. We are just like you. Probably a little worse than you, but not as bad as that. And think. And we are willing to move here. We're just like, yeah, so I'm willing to move back here.

[Brandon]

Yeah, Like Americans are just like Swedes if you take away but like 30 IQ points or 40 IQ points and then no knowledge of any other foreign language. So basically just twins.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's really fierce this time around coming home because, you know, when I lived here for.

[Brandon]

Of course, since birth.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Since birth.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I didn't pay much attention, you know, cuz Swedes. You guys know, we don't, you know, we're just. I drop that. We don't, you know, we're not.

[Brandon]

You, you just go about your business.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're just, you know, we're bleach blonde. Well, not really bleach blonde. Incredibly sun damaged and just rocketing down the street in our own bike lane. We don't give a. Okay, you can. I tell you, you will get killed in that bike lane, Mary.

[Brandon]

Don't I know it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You do not have the right of way.

[Brandon]

But you know what though? You know when I won't get killed at 6:30 in the morning because ain't nobody outside, nobody. I want to tell you a tiny little story. I was jet lagged, so I woke up starving and with the need for coffee. I go outside, it was like 6:30. Oh my God. It's going to be so many coffee shops, people going to work. It'll be like a fun little scene, right, Mary? It was like dead by daylight out there. Oh, yeah, it was nothing. No, Nothing was open. Eight, nine in the morning.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's 28 days later.

[Brandon]

Eight, nine in the morning on a Tuesday or a Thursday or whatever the fuck day it is today. Like, what do you. It was very frustrating. I was like circling the block like a fucking vulture until that coffee shop opened. And then you know what I did?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What?

[Trixie Mattel]

I ordered like $85 worth of food.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Good for you.

[Brandon]

Like 17 juices, 400 croissants. I shoved them all. Good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, do you know something they have here? I actually know a little too much about Sweden because I always think, you know, I'm from here, I should know a few things. Do you know about this thing? I might get the word wrong. It's the break in the middle of the day they have where they have a coffee and a sweet treat. I think it's Flinka Pinka. What is it? Of course, it's like at some companies and corporations it's like mandated. It's like no, man.

[Brandon]

In addition to lunch, they come up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They say, Ms. Johansen, go down the block. Lars, Lars, get your fucking coffee with Eric and get your fucking cinnamon bun and don't come back here, bitch.

[Brandon]

That is my dream come true.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's crazy.

[Brandon]

I would love to build my life around like cinnamon buns.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Build your life around cinnanon buns.

[Brandon]

Oh, there ain't no other way. Oh. Ow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know who I saw here? I saw Troye Simon here once. Did anybody else see that here at this exact venue? Wasn't I there? I Was also there. I was in drag. I played some guitar, some. I don't know what I did in the show, in the program. You got paid? No, of course not. I mean, they can't afford me, so I just volunteer myself. But also, you know, in Sweden, we do not get paid.

[Brandon]

Work itself is a reward.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exactly, exactly. I'm thrilled to be here. It's really weird, I got to tell you guys, as somebody who flirts with alcoholism on a bi weekly basis. Me at a gay bar where the sun doesn't go down at night.

[Brandon]

Oh, baby.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But luckily it's Swedish people, so no one's talking to anyone. I'm sitting alone. I've been there six hours. My eyes are crossed from drinking. No one's coming up to me. Me. There's no music playing. I'm like, I believe the chair. They are the future. I'm just living too friendly or, like.

[Brandon]

Too reserved, too shy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's one of the main principles of being Swedish. Do not ever speak to another person as long as you live. If you go on tik tok and you look for, like, Swedish things that Americans don't understand, one of the first thing that comes up is like, they're not rude. They just are, like, not doing all that.

[Brandon]

Not interested in all of that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not interested.

[Brandon]

They got fjords.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They've.

[Brandon]

Or I think that's Norway.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We'll take our question off the air.

[Brandon]

That might be Norway.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But also, I was waiting for the car. So on the way here, we were supposed to all take the same Uber. Did you know this?

[Brandon]

No.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, well, so I walk down there and they go, oh, Katya and Fina just took their own Uber and left you. I said, okay, great. So I'm waiting. And there was one gentleman outside, and I don't want to pass judgment. He did seem very drunk, very disheveled. He was looking, you know, can I have a cigarette lighter? And he's asking me. And I know what he's saying, of.

[Brandon]

Course, but you don't want to, like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But we live in America, which is a walking human rights violation. So I'm so used to people coming up and, like, fighting me or whatever.

[Brandon]

Putting a gun in your mouth. Can I have $550?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Yeah, I'm playing, you know, the RuPaul match game on my phone. I'm like, you know, I don't. I was like, no, I don't have anything. And then the girl walking after me, she could not have looked more fucking Swedish. Her skin death defyingly tan for this time of year. But deep leather, right?

[Brandon]

No, but how did they get it so even?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, I think it's not. I don't. Well, can I tell you, I went to the fucking park. Do you guys know where the observatory is in town? Yes, the observatory. I went to it, and I'm just gonna show you what the fuck I saw at the goddamn park. And I just need. And I don't have any panties on. I just want to say that.

[Brandon]

No panties.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I want to tell you what I fucking saw at the park, and I need all of you to come together as a community and share with me exactly what the fuck is going on at these goddamn parks. It was an observatory, and I'm gonna show you what the fuck I observed. These people are not just sunning themselves. And by the way, I just came from Ireland, where it was pouring rain and people are sitting in the park reading books. So I was like, okay, at least there's sun here, you know? And for half the year, that's all they have is those croissants.

[Brandon]

It's just the moon.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

All they have is cinnamon buns.

[Brandon]

Yeah. In the moon.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And did you know Rebecca Ferguson is from here?

[Brandon]

Is she really?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Her mother. Rebecca, baby.

[Brandon]

Oh, dude. Oh, Rosa Hat. Rose the hat.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Her mother translated abba's songs to English.

[Brandon]

Oh, and of course, how can we forget the giant family of actors that have taken over Hollywood?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course, the star guards. My God.

[Brandon]

We got Bill, we got Yars, we got Garthe, we got Penguin. Penguin. We got Roberto.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Brandon]

Juan Tley, Tinsley, Mortimer and Carnegie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, yes, yes. All the. So I'm at the park, and I'm thinking, I'm at the observatory, and I will. I have so much to tell you.

[Brandon]

I see. Stuck in dick and car.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I've been in Sweden. I've been in Sweden for, like, four days, but the sun has gone down a collective six hours. So I've been out there looking. Okay, so I'm at. I don't have pennies on. I'm sorry. And I have a huge. So I hope you don't see any of it. And I'm sorry. No, let me tell you, I didn't exactly dye my pubes to match my hair. So I hope you don't see anything. These I'm gonna say motherfuckers, okay. Are out here. Jorgie Porgy. You know, they're just being Swedish, and they're like this. Oh, baby, baby, baby. They're holding up. They're like, baby, baby, they're sunning the crumb. Hole.

[Brandon]

What? What mama. They're doing. They know a secret that we are not privy to as of yet. That. That your pussy needs the sunlight just like the rest of your body. And when that. When the sun hits those lips. When the sun hits those lips.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Hit those lips.

[Brandon]

When you get that lip crush.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I couldn't. I couldn't believe it.

[Brandon]

Why?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because in America. Well, would never happen.

[Brandon]

Well, you'd be a sex offender in, like, two seconds.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The people would buy a tanning bed, get a huge tax credit for it, and then do it at home, you know?

[Brandon]

Oh, my God. Could you have a floating canopy tanning.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bed, specifically up the. I mean, they're. They're not even studying the pussy. They're sunning the area between the hole and the. Yeah, they're getting all the rays because.

[Brandon]

That root chakra needs that sunlight to grow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yes. The sun is coming in.

[Brandon]

You're having a hard time with that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And they're just smiling. They're just. Yeah, but ybadap. They just love it.

[Brandon]

So they're so. You saw their cunts.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I saw it once and I was like, that's weird. Maybe they're evening it out. Then I saw it again. So I saw it on a man, a woman, and then a group, and I was like, okay.

[Brandon]

So. Are you serious?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Why would I lie about this? My hometown. I'm actually. Yeah. I'm actually from somewhere.

[Brandon]

You're from Helsinki, aren't you?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm from Skansen, yes. You know, Absolutely. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. And then I'll tell you this, too. I walked at six or seven parks in this city because I want to see it all. Because the park here, compared to an American park. American parks are for drug deals. Yeah.

[Brandon]

American parks are for undercover cops posing as hookers.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

Drug deals and dog.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

That's about it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And smoking, not.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I was in Ireland, walking around, and, you know, Ireland, this is their hottest time of year. And I got out of the car and I told a joke. The person was like, so, what are you doing in Ireland? And I was like, well, incredible. Right? I don't know how to accent. I'm Swedish.

[Brandon]

It's crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I said, well, do that.

[Brandon]

We do that again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They were like, are you doing a show in town? And I was like, yes. And I said, well, I'm. You know, obviously, I'm also here for the weather.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because it's been cold and rainy every day and it's peak summer there. And the person goes, I Know, we've been so lucky.

[Brandon]

That air, that Mary, I'm telling you that that little portion of the globe, they are cuckoo bananas.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know.

[Brandon]

That nasty weather has got them all twisted up and upside down. They are crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. You know, we live in Hollywood. Sure, we have fascism, but we have sunlight.

[Brandon]

You know, like we have something. If you're gonna live under a totalitarian dictatorship, you need an even tan. Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, it's the only going to keep you grounded. You get that pyreneum straight in the air. Oh, baby.

[Brandon]

I go up on that sund deck. I hit a downward dog with an acute angle. I let my rear end have it habits.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, all these beautiful. You guys have so many beautiful parks here. The other thing is gorgeous here. Gorgeous, gorgeous. All of you are the hottest people. Not a care in the world.

[Brandon]

You're just going about your business being nines and tens.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yep.

[Brandon]

Quiet, capable, competent.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And you know, you know, their conservative parties, like, are moderate liberals.

[Brandon]

Yeah. I bet they have daycare too.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my God. I think woke here is like. I don't even know what. It's whatever beyond our woke is.

[Brandon]

Yeah, it's throwing a baby off a waterfall.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

It's anything. Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're just. We're doing anything. Really. Anything. Sweden. Sweden.

[Brandon]

How many? So you guys grow up speaking English.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That'S funky and wild and get into this. If you move here, there are free classes to learn Swedish.

[Brandon]

Of course there is. God damn. Oh. So I was in. I got in a. An Uber yesterday and I was like, take me to the gay area. Just kidding. I didn't say that. And then they knew. I know. Yeah. I did ask him. I said, is this area the right. And he's. And he's like, what? And I was like, is it. You know, he's like, are there gay people there? He's like, I don't fucking know. And then. But he was very nice. He like. Actually, he ripped me off, now that I think of it, because he took this really long scenic route that charged me about three to three times extra. But at one point he pulled up to this like, beautiful vista. He made me get out and take selfies and I didn't want to. He's like, go, get out. Take some selfies. You're gonna love it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Where was it?

[Brandon]

I'm like, okay. And I'm like. And then he's like, do another one. And then I got back in the car and I was like, he's wild.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Where was.

[Brandon]

Wasn't even that, like, great of a spot? It was Just like some. Some water. Some water.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Two different parks I went to today have like gorgeous daycare pre K facilities attached to it. And you know, in America you need like three lanyards, an ID and a blood sample to pick your own child up from school.

[Brandon]

It's true.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You need to shoot your way in to get your own kid. Like, it's crazy here. I'm telling you, it was a kindergarten where the fence was this high. In America, the pedophiles, the traffickers would just jump right in there and do you know, you guys really have a beautiful, beautiful space here. You should.

[Brandon]

Well, actually, very grateful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I.

[Brandon]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you know that that rope that the kids all, you know, hold on to while they cross the street, that was invented here.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you making that?

[Brandon]

That is a Swedish invention. Very.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They also natural. They invented children until the Swedish Children of the Corn. Right. Well, that's why they're sunning the perineum, because they know when the baby comes, it's going to be an adult.

[Brandon]

Yes. And it's gonna be evil. It's gonna be evil. If it doesn't get that, you know, Taint Ray. Right. It's gonna turn into Children of the Corn.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know about this? Like I keep hearing on TikTok of girls calling. Do you know about this? Like an evil gay.

[Brandon]

Evil gay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like a straight girl, man. Like there was this evil gay at a party who was like trying it with me.

[Brandon]

So. A gay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was gonna say any gay.

[Brandon]

That's a little redundant.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, it was an evil gay. Like there was an evil gay talking to my boyfriend. I'm like, well, that's one of the nice ones, girl.

[Brandon]

I know. All gay is evil.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

All gay is very evil gay gay. Today's episode of Bald and Beautiful is brought to you by Chime. I can tell you why it's called Chime. I was over at the Chime headquarters the other day and I was sitting, you know, I said, gosh, I'm so happy here with these fabulous access to over 50,000 fee free ATMs and spot me eligibility and being able to create an account in just a few minutes that I just feel like I hear chimes in the room. Beautiful, stunning, ethereal bells anchoring me to this plane that we reside upon. I also really love that there's no monthly fees and no maintenance fees. I think maintenance fees are criminal. It's sort of like when you go to a restaurant and there's like a processing fee or like a service Fee. These are all made up words by the man to reach deep into your pocket bag and steal your pesos. And I don't like that. Okay, Open a checking account for yourself with no monthly fees, no maintenance fees. Get paid up to two days early with direct deposit and with qualifying direct deposits. You're eligible for free overdraft up to $200. I don't want to put a bank on blast, but I was with a bank right out of college and one time they let me overdraft to an absurd amount and I was crying on the phone, being like, my car just kept working. If I don't have the money, why don't you guys just cut me off? Because they don't care, that's why. Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, which is so much better than burying yourself in overdraft fees. Open an account in 2 [e-mail] bald that's chime.com bald Chime feels like progress. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members. Fdic spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file Fees apply at out of network ATMs. Bank ranking and number of ATMs. According to US News and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

[Trixie Mattel]

This episode of the Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Ritual. Picture it. The Amalfi Coast. The sun is golden, the aperol is spritzed. I'm lounging like a Roman lizard in a silk caftan. And for once in my gastrointestinal life, I'm not bloated. I'm not gassy. I'm not one wrong bite of exotic cheese away from international scandal. You know why Ritual Symbiotic plus is why I've been focusing on my gut health lately? Because apparently everything is connected to your gut microbiome, mental health, gut immune system, gut, embarrassing stomach noises at brunch. Also gut. It's like the command center of the body. So I packed Ritual Symbiotic plus, which is this gorgeous little mint scented capsule full of clinically studied pre, pro and postbiotics. And I'm not the only one who knows. Every single Italian hunk in Positano was talking about gut microbiomes in Italian. One of them asked me for my number and my bacterial diversity, so I gave them both. So what is this magic you're talking about, Katya? You may be asking me right now. It's ritual and it just works. It keeps you feeling light, regular and less like a medieval butter churn. The ingredients clean, vegan, no GMOs, no weird fillers, no drama, just clinically backed high quality gas destroying power sent directly to my colonial where the probiotics actually belong thanks to the delayed release capsule. She's smart, she's slow, she gets there. It's all about one capsule a day which smells like mint so it feels like a spa day for my intestines and you can even use your HSA or FSA to buy it. Bellissimo Ritual Symbiotic plus is your solution for a carefree summer. For the gut, for the glamour, for the Amalfi coast level confidence. You deserve flatulence. I don't know her so get your gut going. Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com bald that's ritual.com bald for 25% off your first month this episode is brought to you by Squarespace. It's the middle of summer and you're a door to door salesperson in the Southwest, selling your designer rhinestone laden jorts from one swampy neighborhood to another. The temperature is 110, the humidity is 97% and the jorts you're wearing are as moist as a freshly baked Louisiana carrot cake. There has to be a better way to pedal your wares. And then it dawns on you. Instead of limiting your customer base to the people in a specific neighborhood, you could be selling your cactus couture to the entire world. All you need is a website. The ideas are flowing like wine now. A new logo, an online shop with easy payment methods, A marketing tool for letting your entire customer base know about your limited edition Grand Canyon crotch jorts complete with a custom embroidered silhouette of the South Rim. I guess what I'm saying is fashion waits for no one. And if you want to start the worldwide jort revolution, you need to check out Squarespace. They have a new tool called Design Intelligence which combines two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology that will unlock your strongest creative potential. Design Intelligence empowers anyone, even technological dummies like me, to build beautiful, more personalized websites tailored to one's unique needs. Squarespace can also help you with E commerce. You can use Squarespace Payments, which is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. You can get started in just a few clicks and start receiving payments right away with popular payment methods like Klarna Ach. Direct, Debit, Apple Pay, and afterpay. And after you've launched, you're going to need help with marketing. Squarespace has so many features to help drive sales and engage your audience with creative email campaigns that even the Pope will be rocking your signature jorts in St. Peter's Square this fall. So if you need a new website for yourself or for your business, go ahead and check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Did you go over to Greenland? What is that? You know, theme park across the street? Greenland? Yes. Yes.

[Brandon]

I thought she said Greenland.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, baby, no. So I went. I bought tickets. I bought the jet. Pass. Yes. I'm an elitist. I couldn't wait in the lines. Okay, whatever.

[Brandon]

No, you're bolstering the Swedish economy, doing.

[Trixie Mattel]

Great for your hometown.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm trying. I mean, you know, bringing all the glory. It's up to me and Rebecca Ferguson. I mean, I guess it's just us.

[Brandon]

And the scars guards, of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And the scars guards, of course. They got a few bucks, they got a few folding cash, you know, but. And I also heard that Americans lean a lot. We're, like, known for leaning because we're, like, so fucking lazy that we're like, I can't prop up my own spine. You know what I mean?

[Brandon]

That is frighteningly accurate.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So the Swedish people are in line for these rides, like. And I'm, like. I'm, like, fucking ungrateful. Sad. And they're all waiting, like, so crazy. Yes.

[Brandon]

It's. Now that you think of it, I. Oh, God, now I'm so embarrassed. At the cafe, I put my. Not just my elbows and arms and hands on the glass counter, my whole upper body, and I'm pretty sure my breath made, like, fog on the thing. And I was like, God, I'm such a pig.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's awful. And so.

[Brandon]

I'm so gross.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is an odd time to travel the world because as if I wasn't always a little embarrassed to be American. This is not exactly the moment like, people. I mean, I just. I feel the energy of, like, are you okay? Are you evil? And if you're not evil, are you okay?

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Either way, no, we're not okay.

[Brandon]

You know what? Even regardless of political affiliation or the government taking over the world or any of that Stuff. My life is very challenging.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course.

[Brandon]

I wake up a woman so vulnerable. It's hard.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, when did you've. She's barely adjusted to the time zone. When did you get here?

[Brandon]

I don't know. I feel like I've always been here.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

Yep. No, I got here yesterday and then immediately tried to have sex. And you guys are.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What happened?

[Brandon]

Well, you guys are doing something a little. You guys are playing this. They're playing a game. They're playing that age old game. Don't have sex with Katya. It's like. I know. It's a Scandinavian tradition. It goes back tens of years.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's one of the principles of Scandinavia. It's like.

[Brandon]

I think it's soldered into the plaque on the. The palace in the constitution.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, they're not gonna go fuck Russians. It sends a weird message, you know?

[Brandon]

I know, I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But the things she could do with her body. Well, the things she used to be able to do with her body.

[Brandon]

The things I could tell you about that I once was able to do. Oh, yeah. And the adjectives I would use to describe that behavior would get you so hot, hard and horned.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Horned up. Horned up gal.

[Brandon]

I have changed. What is that song? I am changing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I am changing.

[Brandon]

What is that from?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's from Dream girls, I believe, right? Dream girl. You faggots. No, sure. Jealousy on the dream girls. Jennifer. Awesome.

[Brandon]

I bet in fitting rooms all across the world theater students are singing that song.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course.

[Brandon]

Because they're changing clothes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because they're changing.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What happened with the sex?

[Brandon]

Well, I. This is. Okay, so I. I don't have a lot of time here. We are pressed for time. We're on the move, we're on the go. We have, you know, so I get a little a nibble and I say, do you want to fuck?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

Then. Blocked me block.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That was it.

[Brandon]

Well, that was my first try. I mean, you know, I have many overtures that I. I was rebuffed brutally, several times.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, that was the overture where you introduced the themes of the songs of the evening. And then you kind of go sing the real song later.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the. When the. Then the B side comes out. I mean, I. I don't really know how to flirt online. What am I gonna say? Ooh, you know. Oh, ah. Woo.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

Or maybe I'll send a gif of somebody doing this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

And I say, I would like to suck your dick. If you would like to do that to me, that's great. I'd also like to Eat your butthole. I mean, I just say what I want, and I think they think I'm joking because they just block me most of the time. Also, some people think it's not actually me, which is hysterical.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh. None of them think it's us.

[Brandon]

But why would anybody choose us?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you.

[Brandon]

As their catfish. What is wrong with you? Dream bigger. Dream bigger.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Pick a scars guard. You know what I mean?

[Brandon]

Google search images.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Anyone?

[Brandon]

Anybody?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Grab a black and white Abercrombie ad. Do anything.

[Brandon]

You're Charlie Chaplin.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're gonna pick a bald crossdresser who's pushing for 40. Who's, by the way, pushing 40.

[Brandon]

Well, fell over 40 three years ago, right? Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And by the way, if you pick a stock photo of just some gay guy, some gay, gay guy, then later you can be like, oh, I look different now. But if you pick someone that the person might actually know, like Charlie Chaplin, what if. Then you go, what if. Then they expect it to be us. And if that happens, you better do it good.

[Brandon]

Yeah, you better do it good. You better have a cigarette. Well, actually smoke anymore. You better.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But you can hold the dick like this.

[Brandon]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, candy cigarette, candy cigarette. Ratty hair pattern problems. Man and woman cologne. What else? Let's see. Oh, herpes, right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And that's kind of the big giveaway, right? If you're a bald guy who you think is Katya and there's no herpes, you're like something.

[Brandon]

Wait, hold on. I'm having an Oprah aha Moment.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What is it? Where are you going? Oh, just walking around. People in the car listening. She's just walking around.

[Brandon]

Sorry. Guys in the car. Pouring out for the guys in the.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Car would give it up to the guys in the car.

[Brandon]

You know, whether you're on the 405, the 110, the 2, the 5, the 495, or the i90, we just want to say hi.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, but the people. And the people in the Volvo.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you guys know I drive a fucking Volvo? Represent. You're welcome.

[Brandon]

Oh, okay. So I'm going to. I'm going to shelve this, but I want to. I want to put a button on the bulletin board so we don't forget mattress. Okay, I'll come back to that. So I had my Oprah aha Moment when I walked around, and I think it's because. Or it could be my. Some would call, let's see, like, I don't know. Shamelessly transparent admission of having herpes that might turn off some potential Suitors who might not know that, you know, you probably won't contract it for me because I only had one outbreak and it was in the 80s and, you know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

It's a thing of the past. It's like, you know, you can't control.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Other people's, like, lack of information about that.

[Brandon]

No. So maybe I should. I should like include with my ass and dick pics a PDF from the cdc. From the cdc, for sure. Or like a pamphlet. Like, if I have a pamphlet, why don't you come over and read it with me?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right? Great foreplay.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And nice, nice literacy check right off the. The top.

[Brandon]

Or I could do a little voice note, cuz I love those nowadays. Do you really? Yes, I do, girl.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Every time people send them, I'm like, no.

[Brandon]

What? You know why? Because you're busy and you're at work.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I'm like, put down the pookie. Whoever it is, it's always that.

[Brandon]

No, no, it's Brazil. Every Brazilian. I know it does it. It's a. It's like an intercontinental thing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Brazilians. Hello, Brazilians here.

[Brandon]

Any Brazilians? I don't believe you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Guess how many Brazilians are here? A Brazilian.

[Brandon]

They're Brazilianaires.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They were telling me in Ireland that the Brazilian people clean up very well sexually there.

[Brandon]

What does that mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, those freckly bastards don't know what hit them. All these hot Brazilian people show up, they get horny, they get wet.

[Brandon]

I know the Swedish people. Yeah, they get horny, they get wet.

[Trixie Mattel]

And they get wild.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They get wild.

[Brandon]

So I think, well, I guess it's too late to get laid in Sweden.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How close were you to the sex? Did anyone. Was anyone coming over is a really.

[Brandon]

Great question that if you asked them, you'd probably get a different answer than my answer. I thought that there were several potential trysts literally on the horizon image, you know what I mean? I started shaving things that hadn't been shaved in a while.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

You know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You started putting all your.

[Brandon]

Started looking for those Sade vinyls that was, you know, sourcing a record player, you know? Oh, God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I think if you put on Abba, they'll just run at you here. That's very easy.

[Brandon]

Well, I think I blend in too much out of drag here. I mean, there's so many bald white guys in this town. It's like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's true.

[Brandon]

Crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They are everywhere. You.

[Brandon]

Y' all are just bald and white.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bald and white.

[Brandon]

Boop boop. This is Stockholm, just bald and white.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Seriously, it's sick.

[Brandon]

Are you bald? Yep. Are you white? Definitely. You got kind of a beard. Sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But people. People always be compl. I don't know if this happens to you. People complain about. They think they're losing their hair and they look me dead in the eyes and say it. It's really fudgeing crazy.

[Brandon]

It's really.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like going to J.C. dugard and being like, I think I'm losing my childhood.

[Brandon]

Like, and it's like, do you see me like on death row or something? Like, do you look into the mirror.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Pulling the hair back, being like, do you think I needed to go to Turkey? I'm like, do you think I should be buried?

[Brandon]

I know. Like, do I have the right to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exist if I go to Turkey? I think they put handcuffs on me and send me the fuck back, Girl. Seriously, Were they going to translate the hair from my lower back? Yeah. It's sad.

[Brandon]

You'll get it from a nice Russian girl.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Ooh. Yaki bundle.

[Brandon]

Slavic bundles.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Slavic bundles.

[Trixie Mattel]

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[Brandon]

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of going to this fabulous theme park. And I've always wanted to go. About two years ago when I was here, it was like February. So it wasn't the right that I could go. And then I went to the Abbey Museum. At the time it closed at 6pm I walked up at 5:50 and they were like, no, no, they did not.

[Brandon]

They got to eat their sweets and get their rest.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. So I went home. It had been dark since noon. I just went, you know, I was out. So this time I went across the street. It was so cool.

[Brandon]

Wait, the ABBA Museum?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No. Yeah, I did that too. But the very special theme park over here was so cool. The rides were amazing. Everybody was so nice and beautiful and nice fans came up and said, welcome home. Everybody says that.

[Brandon]

What was your favorite? Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so a girl coming up and going, welcome home. Then I was at that gay bar. What is it, the Secret Garden? Yes. It's not so secret. It's out in the open. And there was a bunch of straight people there. So you guys need to work on that. I think it's just so woke here that the gays have scattered. They're not at a gay bar. They're just like. They're at Zara.

[Brandon]

Yeah, that's what my like, fascist Uber driver said. He's like, they're all. You know, there's not a gay district. They're all scattered up because it's not. I don't know, like, it's not really a. What do you call it? Horrible place.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Dangerous. Yeah, super dangerous.

[Brandon]

It generally tends toward the tolerant side in regards to homosexuality. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's almost like you guys believe that everybody deserves respect in the same chance. I don't know. It's very crazy.

[Brandon]

Yeah, it's a little fairy tale. Ish. Little hines. Christian Andersen, if you know what I mean.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I'm over there and I'm riding all these rides. Monster love. It. All kinds of crazy. I mean, every ride gave me a neck ache. Every ride was some kind of, I.

[Brandon]

Mean, beat you up? Are they violent?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I lost the baby. Every ride. It was those rides for people who make smooth driving vehicles. I got, like, a black guy and a bum knee from that ship. Like, it was so crazy.

[Brandon]

I love the rides that let you have it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That girl.

[Brandon]

They let you have it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Plot twist. 50% of them are drop rides. Ooh, Drop to your death.

[Brandon]

I love that. I love that. I mean, there's the famous case in the States where some guy, you know, died, but. But his family got $350 million in a lawsuit, so who's laughing now?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you talking about. Which R. Are you talking about the drop. Are you talking about Kentucky Kingdom?

[Brandon]

It could be.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know about this?

[Brandon]

Oh, legs chopped off.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah.

[Brandon]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I don't know. Is that too much? You guys are, like, so pure.

[Brandon]

I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They're like, you guys like a kindergarten class. It's summer. The days are endless. You're so hopeful. And we're gonna come here and talk about legs chopped off.

[Brandon]

I know. We're gonna. We're gonna turn you into Americans. Or worse, Los Angelenos. I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Anyway, just watch your back and your legs, okay, girl? I wrote all those rides, and there's one ride that I. I could not wait, fucking wait to tell you about. First of all, there's a ride called. I didn't. I can't read any of the signs. I don't know what any of them mean. Well, of course I can. I'm from here.

[Brandon]

Yeah, but. Well, you can. You gotta give. You gotta, like, play the.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm with the group, and I don't wanna make everyone feel stupid. So I'm like, what do you think? You say? You know, I don't know. So this, like, for example, this ride had a witch voice and broomsticks. I'm like, oh, this is a witch ride. It's a witch ride.

[Brandon]

What did it sound like?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I swear to God, I'm waiting in line. And I. I don't. I don't want to be difficult, but in roller coasters, I would rather wait longer and be in the front cart. I want the front car. Oh, I want the wind in my hair.

[Brandon]

It's. It's. You know. You want to face death.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I want to.

[Brandon]

Don't bother. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. So I'm waiting. And the witch ride. I'm assuming it's a witch ride, the word for which is like a K. Something. I don't. I don't remember. But, yeah, that. Yes, it's that. So I'm up there and of course. All the safety announcements are safety announcements. Announcements. It's real people. Real people, real teenagers reading these announcements.

[Brandon]

With real braces telling you which one.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of your arms is going to fall off if you stick your hand. Like, by the way, every ride has a sign that says, don't do this. Don't put your hands up. I said, okay, I'm riding that. Like, Mary Katherine Gallagher, hands in the armpits, terrified. Because I'm like, but by the way, what a country to lose a limb. The health care.

[Brandon]

Oh, the health care girl.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

In America, they would put me down like a Doberman.

[Brandon]

Okay, Mary, if you got your hands just chopped off in Sweden, you'd probably go back to home. You go back home with, like, four.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I would get crowned the prince.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They would become part of the royal family.

[Brandon]

Okay, okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So the witch ride is a witch voice that comes on. It's like a teenager being like, you know, this over it. And I'll be over it, too. I get it. And then the witch, you know, my. I wouldn't say my speech is incredible, but the witch, I guess on the ride is like, it's time to ride the ride. And the voice. So I'm waiting there, and it's just all these children, and it's like. And I was like, fierce. So I go over. The sign says, don't stick your arms up or they're gonna get chopped off. Bald bitch. So I put my arms, like, this ride. The fucking ride. It was so crazy. So this other ride, I should have known what it was because it was in English. It said, house of Nightmares.

[Brandon]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But it didn't dawn on me that perhaps this was a haunted house. That experience.

[Brandon]

Oh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I walk up thinking, I'm going on, like, a Tilta World.

[Brandon]

Ooh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You go in, doors slam behind you. It's pitch black.

[Brandon]

Love that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's. You're alone. You're being let. You're alone. You're walking through. There's animatronics, people jumping out.

[Brandon]

Oh, baby.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was so scary. Blood pressure spiking, and nobody I was with was screaming. They were like, yeah. I mean, I was nervous. I'm like. I'm like, I have inflammatory arthritis. I shouldn't even be here.

[Brandon]

Well, you know, I go into those things willingly and enthusiastically. You know why? Because I want to die.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because you want to die.

[Brandon]

I want to die either on stage in a haunted house or at Ferrari World in Dubai.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

Or whatever. Abu Dhabi.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Shout out for Abu Dhabi.

[Brandon]

Sure. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Getting excited.

[Brandon]

Poor went out for Abu Dhabi.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was A lot of excitement for that.

[Brandon]

Sweden.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So then this other ride, there's another haunted house ride that's like the very classic must ride. That's like, spooky, creepy, you know, for kids more.

[Trixie Mattel]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Or you think, oh, the outside of this ride is like a giant pulling a girl's hair. Ooh. Or like there was a rubber fish who had human legs.

[Brandon]

Ooh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was like very, very Norwegian. Does. Does evil. A24 presents Blumhouse. It was weird. So I'm waiting to go in. There's a giant dinosaur. And by the way, all of these animatronics have nipples.

[Brandon]

Hard. Hard nipple.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Giant hard pink nipples.

[Brandon]

Why we're talking animatronic.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A pterodactyl like this with two nipples and a slit. I swear to God. I swear, if you guys Google this, I swear to God. So I'm waiting in line, and this animatronic is just sitting there with a pussy and two hard nipples. And I'm thinking, over in America, they're saying that we're grooming the kids, baby. We're sexualizing the children out here in Scandinavia, they go like.

[Brandon]

They got, like. They're just roboticized Girl Mary.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's the.

[Brandon]

You know, that is the beauty of living in a country that doesn't view the naked body as a crime, you know?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Everybody take your clothes off. Everybody.

[Brandon]

Let's see them titties. Let's see them asses. Let's see the little tiny Letitia's little ass.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Little cook. Yeah. So, I mean, you know, there's little kids seeing it. I'm looking at them. I'm looking at the mom. Like, is that. I don't. Okay, sure. We're all seeing the hard pink.

[Brandon]

That fish had a.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The fish had human legs.

[Brandon]

Okay?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So it follows naturally there's a giant head. Giant head with arms. Human arms coming out of ears. I was like, what kind of like, body horror. Weird. You know? Weird.

[Brandon]

It's Sweden.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's Sweden. It's okay. It's Sweden.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So then I go in and I'm thinking, based on the outside of this, it's going to be like a funky, wild, like, little. Ooh, something popped out. Ooh. It's terrifying. It's completely blackout. Has anybody ridden this ride? It's completely blacked out. And it goes from silent blackout to lights on. Extreme noise in different scenarios. So the first one is like a scarecrow, and you're like, oh, no. This one is scared. You know, you're scared. Yeah.

[Brandon]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And then the next. Yes. Then the next thing was like, rats.

[Brandon]

Ooh, rats.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Scary. When I tell you what happens next, I thought of you immediately. And it was so crazy. So all the scares are like a witch?

[Brandon]

A rat? No. Was it a crackhead?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A door flies open. It's a small bathroom with a big fat guy covered in puke going, it was so crazy.

[Brandon]

It was so crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like, imagine you're on a kid's haunted house ride. So. And then there's an adult man and puking.

[Brandon]

Stockholm, you've done it again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I couldn't believe it.

[Brandon]

That is. Now that is cunt. That is truly terrifying.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was so fucking crazy, girl, I just thought of you.

[Brandon]

Animatronic, right? Was it real animatronic? Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But it's a kid's ride. How do we go from like a scarecrow, a witch, a human adult man defecating and puking. Well, screaming. And he's leaned over a toilet.

[Brandon]

But you know what, though? For the kids, it's great because then you don't. As a parent, you don't have to suffer the indignity of reading books. Like, everybody poops to your kid. You just take into that ride, they learn about, you know, pissing through your asshole and, you know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. I also like that in Sweden, the worst thing that could happen to you is that you, like, overeat to the point of puking. It's like, oh, my God, the horrors. You know?

[Brandon]

Yeah, we. We. We have people going to school with a. With AK 47s. And the worst thing that happens here is a little indigestion, a little gas. Gas.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gas. But it makes sense. What is that? It's this fun. It's this, like, fundamental principle of Sweden. It means not too much, not too little. What is it again? Right? Or loga.

[Brandon]

Wait, one person. You say it. Oh, you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're not Swedish.

[Brandon]

You're not Swedish.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Get the out of here.

[Brandon]

Okay, everybody. I want to learn. I want to learn. I can still learn.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You stop filming now. Not too much, not too little. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Talk. And their whole thing is not too much, not too little, everything the right amount, moderation. And so I think they see. I'm assuming that was the American part of it, the shitting and puking. It was like overindulgence. Ah, no. You know, I think that was it.

[Brandon]

Okay, so I want to tell you something. And this is. I don't want to be a.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're pregnant. Don't go ride those rides, girl. Don't go ride those rides.

[Brandon]

Oh, I need to talk to you about something, and it might be. It might be too much.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you guys want to hear it? Stockholm. Do you want to hear?

[Brandon]

No, No. I have. I did something. I did something truly wild and truly reckless, and I don't know if I regret it, but it has roots. Deep roots, in fact, tradition in Sweden. Has anybody heard of a company called Heston's? Okay, girl, sit down. Oh, great. Good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Obsidian.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I know what Heston's is, but for the people here who don't know, can you tell them?

[Brandon]

No, it's for the people in the car.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Car, yeah.

[Brandon]

So everybody driving. Heston's is a Swedish company that produces mattresses. Now, when I say mattress, I mean like, the most luxurious form of a.

[Trixie Mattel]

Mattress known to man, right?

[Brandon]

These mattresses, I didn't know about them until about two or three months ago. They are handy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I want a mattress that feels like it's stuffed with a bag of hard cocks.

[Brandon]

Oh, baby, she's got you even better than that. So you ever boiled horse hair? You ever boiled horse hair?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

Five times?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

No. To get it all nice and curly?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

Did you ever source some chunks and chunks of mohair wool?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

Yeah, well, they do here. And they stuff it into these mattresses. So I went to the store in la, and the first mattress I tested, I kid you not, this was the price tag. $750,000. You're lying. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. It's called the Grand Vividus. I don't know if you'd pronounce it like that, but $750,000. See, now can you believe that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That doesn't feel like lagom.

[Brandon]

Okay, no, no, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That feels like a lot.

[Brandon]

No, but they do. But they do. So they do make cheaper ones. And essentially, here's what I. This is my logic why we have been brainwashed, okay, By. By the automotive industry, for example, where it is more like people have more of a desire to purchase a car as a status symbol. But a car is really a death machine, as we. We all know. Right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, it's.

[Brandon]

It's a. It's a flying death machine.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Not the way you drive. She's a very safe driver.

[Brandon]

Very safe driver. But, you know, I'm on the road with people who are insane. Well, psychotic death machine drivers.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, you don't have a Swedish car. You can't crash it. You'll die. I think if you crash a Swedish car, you live longer. Somehow it extends every injury.

[Brandon]

You get the bones get hardier.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, totally.

[Brandon]

So I. Listen, I, I, I, I bought one of the mattresses.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought.

[Brandon]

I don't have any money. By the way, how did you. Broke.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How did you get this mattress?

[Brandon]

Well, a girl has her ways. This man. This man offered me 0% financing for three years. I don't know if there's fine print. There probably is, but the point is, I am going. Let me tell you something. When I laid my carcass on this bed, right? And he literally. So we had moon booties on. They give you little moon boots when you go in the store. I don't know why. And then they tuck you in. Literally.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, wow.

[Brandon]

They tuck you in right to the chin. Covered my breasts, of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Were you topless when you walked in?

[Brandon]

Well, no, but, I mean, it's like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You wanted to get a deal.

[Brandon]

If I'm gonna simulate the sleeping experience, I have to. To get totally nude. Right, right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And put on your breastplate.

[Brandon]

Yes, I tucked.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And tucked. Yes. It's the only way to keep you from pissing the bed. Yeah, you have to tuck.

[Brandon]

I've got a story about that, too. Okay, so tucked me in. And, Mary, when I tell you. When I tell you this, the Sensation was like, 5D. You know what I mean? There wasn't. There was like. There's, you know, there's height, there's length, there's width, and then. Or depth, and then something else.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, you know, all those.

[Brandon]

All those. And then there's, like, time, and then there's something else. This was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Then there's, like, vibes.

[Brandon]

Yeah, there's vibes. And then there's, like, barbecues or whatever.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, Riz.

[Brandon]

No, Riz is over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, Riz is over.

[Brandon]

Yeah, Riz is over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Damn.

[Brandon]

What took Riz's place? I don't know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Jizz. Well. Evil. Gay. Evil gay, I guess.

[Brandon]

So anyways, I'm telling you, I was transported to another realm.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Brandon]

I had. I. Mary, I'm telling you, this mattress, when I. When it comes in four to five months, because they make them.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Are you saying you really bought this?

[Brandon]

Well, so I. Yes, I did.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I love you. I think you're an artist, and I think you're a woman of careers. Where the fuck are you going to get $750,000?

[Brandon]

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was not that one. Oh, no, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was like, are you. And you're all enabling it. No one's speaking up. No, you're all like, oh, she's gonna have to come back here. We got her coming up before.

[Brandon]

No, so like, they. It's like a car. Imagine if a car like it is the whole gamut. So, like, you've got your McLaren or whatever you say, like the Rolls Royces up there, then you've got the tears.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So you got like the 80 grand one. They're like, yeah, if you hate yourself, well, you poor bitch.

[Brandon]

That's what's funny about their marketing strategy. Because the second best one is like, this is our second most exclusive mattress. If you can't afford the first one, you fucking poor fuck.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

You know, but I settled with this one. The sleep engineer or whatever the fuck they call themselves. He was so. It was like. It was like he was like a matchmaker, right? You know what I mean? It was like Indian matchmaking, except he made matches too. No, he was like. He. He's like, that's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sorry. Stupid. Sorry. That was like, not worth it.

[Brandon]

No, but I feel like I. I'm telling you, in the four to five months when and if I come through with the money, right, I am going to have a 180 degree personality change. I swear to God, after three nights of sleep on this fucking handmade Swedish mattress, baby mama, do you even realize what's gonna happen?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I guess you can trust the Swedes because sometimes it's, you know, 20 hours of nighttime. They know what the mattress feels like after 18 hours.

[Brandon]

Yes. Because in the winter, they sleep on average 20 hours a day.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Absolutely. They go into hibernation. Yes.

[Brandon]

No, but like a hamster. Like a hamster.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like a Syrian hamster. They hibernate in the winter. Have you seen these tick tocks of people who have turtles who, like, put their turtle in hibernation in the fridge for the winter. Right? Swear to God, I need them to do that with us in the summer, baby. Oh, put me in the fridge to sleep.

[Brandon]

Oh, and then put this on me. Hold on.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, your little thingy.

[Brandon]

I'm just gonna put this on really quick. You know, I want the audience to get some of the benefits of this technology, right? And I think they can just do it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I have one of those, too. I didn't choose to bring it.

[Brandon]

So the front row, you will look about three months younger when you leave.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You will. Yeah, you will.

[Brandon]

I love this thing. It's so Hannibal Lecter. Like Jason in space, kind of like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what I mean? I'm really high and wear it while I play PlayStation. And I probably look, and it's, by the way, completely dark. In the house, I'm glowing red from the face. Not one light.

[Brandon]

It's cunty. When we first got them is a while ago, I used to smoke with it on, and it was just, like, so crazy. And the routine was better. Aging.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm like, love it. Two steps forward, three steps back. Love it. But they're not, they're not aging like us. I. The other thing I keep seeing here is adults in a city walking with ski poles. What the fuck is that?

[Brandon]

People?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Well, yes, people, they have two poles and they're in the city, like, doing elliptical.

[Brandon]

Are they getting ready for the, the cross country?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I think there's so much winter here that they have, like. And pot. Like, what is it when the, when you have the, when you think that the. What is it?

[Brandon]

Delusion? No, no, no, no. Delusion.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No. Like, if you. Oh, Phantom limb. They think this snow is there.

[Brandon]

They're like, season.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. They're like, skiing. Have you. Am I crazy? Have you guys seen the people with the sticks walking through the city?

[Brandon]

What is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

For what.

[Brandon]

What's the rationale there? Just for support.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Somebody was outside of the Secret Garden doing it. I was like, where are we? Like. And get this. Outside of the Secret Garden, this was either a community theater play or something that really happened. Somebody had two dogs hooked around the leg of one chair. And the person got up, right? Because, you know, Swedish people, not too much, not too little. They're leaving, you know.

[Brandon]

No, go home.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So then the dogs escaped, and these two dogs take off running. And this would never happen in America. As the dog passed, each person, that person, like, pulled out their headphones and kept. And started running after the dog.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah. They dropped. And then after the dog, the entire.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Community came together to find the dog.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And we're waiting, and we're like, God, God damn, that dog's never coming back. Ten minutes later, someone comes back with the dog. The entire street of all the people sitting outside stands up and starts clapping. Clapping.

[Brandon]

That, you know, that is the Scandinavian spirit you just can't buy anywhere.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's the spirit. It's the whole spirit.

[Brandon]

So wait, I, I, I, I think I have a. I have a problem with this spending money that I don't currently possess.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, that we keep doing this because if you guys listen to the pod, you know that she just got three melee vacuums.

[Brandon]

Yes. You know what? And I'm gonna return one. I'm gonna return one. I'm gonna just, I'm gonna be wild and crazy because that was a little nuts. But I, I, I, I, I, I do want to briefly mention something, only because I've been harping so endlessly about the fucking mold and my condo, yada, yada, yada. I just want to say very briefly but very sexually, right. That my new bathroom is like, infuses me with an eroticism that is inexpressible with language. I'll post photos of it, but you just gotta be there. And I took a gentleman into the shower, which has a long bench and with lights, and I sat him down. And then we fucked in the water. And we had a waterfall coming down on us, you know, very dramatic. And then we had another, a water source kind of hitting us from the side to keep us alert, right? And then we had also the wand which just turned on and then squirting us with like a very, like in the face. So it was a very overstimulating.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Even the shower was like shooting pre comp.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, Everybody was excited.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That shower got wet, got really horny.

[Brandon]

But you know what I do. And the party doesn't stop once the water turns off, right? That's when the things really get cooking. Because I got two squeegees, wall mounted squeegees.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, to get the, to get the.

[Brandon]

Stuff off that water in LA is so hard, right? And you really got, you really gotta clean that water. But when I tell you that, imagine me totally nude, I got my squeegee and I go. And then it pools down here and I go, okay. And you don't even want to know what happens when I get the Windex bottle out. I love my bathroom. I go through hell with my bathroom. Long story short. Thank you for black mold.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you. God bless black mold.

[Brandon]

God bless black mold. I know, I'm sorry. If you come to la, free tour and free shower.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Free shower.

[Brandon]

I'm not joking.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Hey, Brandon, can I get a powder puff? I hate to ask. This lack of air conditioning has taken me out. It's taken me out.

[Brandon]

Do you want a little. This guy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, the fan that's pointed at you. Yeah, I don't know.

[Brandon]

I'm hogging it. Hold on. Here, watch this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, thank you. You know, just. Oh, and it matches my outfit. Oh.

[Brandon]

There you go.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank God.

[Brandon]

Is it cty? It's Cy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I am your father, you know.

[Brandon]

I don't think it works like that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Very. That. Oh, thank you, Tracy. Give it up for our POD producer.

[Brandon]

Tracy. Yes, Tracy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's the girl you guys hear laughing in the background sometimes.

[Brandon]

She's so cute.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And the comments will be like I hate whoever's laughing. And I'm like, sorry about fun. Whatever happened to fun?

[Brandon]

Yeah. Oh, sorry you ever had a good time, you piece of.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Also like a Die Hard fan being like, I was there, I wouldn't laugh.

[Brandon]

Yeah. I listen to every episode. I've never laughed once.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're in your Pontiac grand prix on the 101, laughing, so shut the up.

[Brandon]

Oh, my God. Where do you want to die?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, obviously here.

[Brandon]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Obviously here.

[Brandon]

Do you want to have like a Viking death?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

If I could snap my fingers. Snap my fingers and have all my belongings sold and a passport, I'd be here tomorrow, bitch. I would be. Yes, it's gorgeous. It's amazing. It's fabulous. And the only thing that I. Well, there's been a few things I haven't liked. And this isn't a part, as I understand. This is a country with a lot of churches, but not necessarily. Necessarily an obsession with Christianity or. Do you guys disagree? Well, not like a moderate obsession, but not like other parts of the world where it's like, girl, it's game on the secret.

[Brandon]

It's not where they take the. The little babies that go.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You guys have like woke beliefs like, you know, trans people are real. You know, crazy stuff that, you know. Yeah. It might even be worth living. You know, who knows?

[Brandon]

Human. Human. Human rights.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exactly.

[Brandon]

How is that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, somebody came up to me today. I went to one of the parks, one of the different parks. And how many parks, baby? This one, I wrote it down. I wrote it down. This one was called. Look at. What was it called? Wow. And they're really humble gardens.

[Brandon]

Was it free?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah, it was free. Completely free. Gorgeous. And a lot of outdoor workout equipment, a lot of different types of bars you can climb on, a lot of different types of rings. Just me. Just me. And, you know, can't do much, but I'm just there. Right, Right. I recently. Gemini told me that my BMI is. Gemini told me that I'm overweight. So I'm recover. I'm recovering from that.

[Brandon]

What does she know?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She knows.

[Brandon]

She doesn't even go here.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She said for six feet, I'm supposed to be like 165 pounds. I said, which half of me, bitch? Like, what are you talking about?

[Brandon]

To what, like star in a movie about starvation?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know, the Hunger Games. She thinks I'm going to be in the new Hunger Games.

[Brandon]

Well, you know what I tell. You know what I say to Miss Gemini girl, go yourself.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right. You know, right?

[Brandon]

Because I'm.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Unless this episode Is sponsored by Gemini.

[Brandon]

Yeah. In which case. Thank you so much for all the info, babe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

In which case, this story is that Gemini got me on the wellness track.

[Brandon]

But you're a cancer, which is tough.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's tough.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Can other Scorpio. Like, can a Scorpio use Gemini?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I get what you're doing.

[Brandon]

It's a horoscope joke.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I get what you're doing.

[Brandon]

All right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't like it, but I get it.

[Brandon]

We have been watching. Wait, have any of our season 7 episodes come out yet?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, can I tell you what happened in the park?

[Brandon]

Oh, God, Jesus. Of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Two people came up to me and spoke in some language. They said. And I said, yeah. And they were like, oh, do you know the gospel? And at first I thought, oh, they're fans. They're making a joke about, like, I'm here, whatever. And then. And then I saw the two cross necklaces. Exactly. And I don't know what it is. I just don't respond to that. I find it very assaulting. Well, I find it crosses a lot of lines.

[Brandon]

What did they look like? What were they wearing?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Younger than us. Young, able bodied, happy individuals wasting their fucking life.

[Brandon]

I mean, maybe they just. Maybe they just want to collect canned goods.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I'm such a fag. They were like, have you heard that gospel? And I said, godspell, the musical. Like, I was like, oh, my God. You know Evita. Sure. So I said, what? And they were like, do you know the gospel? And I said, no. And I was with someone. I said, no, we don't really do that. And then we're, like, sitting, and then they. They have like a flowchart of what to say no matter what you say to try to keep you going. It's like a telemarketer in real life. They're trying to keep you on the phone, Mary.

[Brandon]

They should. I wish they would talk to me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And it, like, it starts from no, no, thank you, to I'm uncomfortable, to I'm gay. You know, you have to just.

[Brandon]

I suck dicks and cocks all day, you motherfucker. Is your God okay with that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right? I even pull the dick out of the ass and suck it again.

[Brandon]

You know, like just your God himself and puke and all. Yeah. And it just.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It really was like, ugh.

[Brandon]

Yeah, it's wild.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Ugh. We want to talk invasive species. Like, how come I can't bring an apple on a plane to Australia, but Christians are allowed to go wherever they want and do whatever the they want? It's crazy. It's crazy. Crazy. It makes me sad. It makes me sad. And by the way, you don't know what someone's religious trauma is, so coming up and asking them if they know the gospel, it's like, yeah, a lot of people knew it and are still recovering from when they knew it.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But it's very re. Traumatizing and psychotic.

[Brandon]

Also, it's a little vague because I believe there are several gospels according to many different people. Like, like, Luke Mark, Sarah Jessica Parker, like, whatever. Like, what is. What is the gospel?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gospel music.

[Brandon]

Thank you. You know, you've already been to the water. You know, I mean, there's a lot of. A lot of different avenues. So what was their pitch?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know. Like, I want their elevator pitch. I wanted to, like, vampire movie it. Like, rip the cross off, put in my mouth and just melt or something. I don't know. Like, I just found it. It was just today, and I was just like, I.

[Brandon]

Okay, I have a suggestion. This is what you do. Ask me. So I'm just alone, vulnerable, and I look like I need a friend.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

You. I'm fresh meat for you. The gospel.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So I'm the Jesus person. Yeah. Okay, hold on.

[Brandon]

Let me just get in character.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know about the gospel?

[Brandon]

Do I know about the gospel, baby? I wrote it. Oh, this? It starts with rule number one. You gotta fondle these titties, right? Then the gospel according to Luke, rule number two, you gotta finger this slit. And then they have. They have long since charged the other way. They're gone.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They're long gone.

[Brandon]

So you gotta eroticize these moments. You gotta sexualize them or you need.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

To, like, completely left. Like, whatever. Because gospel just means I was with someone and I said, well, what does gospel really mean? I mean, they said, well, they present it like, do you know the truth? And then I thought, well, you can say, yes, I know the truth about blank. Like, you can say, I know the gospel of RuPaul. Right?

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So it's like, do you know the gospel? It's like, oh, my God, that Sarah Michelle Geller and Alison Hannigan had beef.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Or that Taylor Swift is a die.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right, right. Like, yes, I know the gospel of something, but what are you talking about? And by the way, that jewelry is very cheap for someone who's chosen. You know what I mean?

[Brandon]

Like, yeah, you might want to rethink the jewelry hunt.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right. And by the way, walking today, we're going to go to the park and walk up to people. What are you in Hollywood Boulevard making Tiktoks, get the fuck out of here. I think it's so crazy.

[Brandon]

Do they get, like, candy at the end?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know what they get. I don't know what they get.

[Brandon]

You know what I mean? Because it's like. It's kind of Girl Scoutish. I don't know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you guys have Girl Scouts here?

[Brandon]

No. So we have these. This thing where, like, little girls go sell candy bars.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

It's so weird. But they collect the money and then it goes towards something. I'm not sure what.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But do you guys know what Girl Scouts are? And you know, they have to sell cookies or to get money to do activities.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Start them young in America, you know.

[Brandon]

And if they don't meet their quota, they get a tractor drives over there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right? Exactly.

[Brandon]

Someone gets on a tractor, they're laying down, tied to the railroad.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

And they head chopped off.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right, Right.

[Brandon]

I mean, it's an epidemic. It's an epidemic.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's an absolute epidemic. And I don't know. The day before I was doing tourism, I went in a beautiful and stunning church. I wish I could remember the name. It was so beautiful here in Stockholm. And I was like, wow, the painted ceilings, they had little rainbow buttons. I was like, okay, I don't feel embarrassed being here. Whatever. Right? Because I don't know, I was thinking, if I'm kind of noticeably gay and I'm in the church, aren't they kind of like. You know what I mean? Like. Like, get out of here, you know? Right. Am I gonna feel like how some of the, like, misogynistic gay guys make a straight girl feel in a gay bar where they're like, ugh. You know what I mean?

[Brandon]

Like, evil gay, Right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Evil gay.

[Brandon]

I hate evil people. You know, it's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's real.

[Brandon]

What a drag. I mean, it takes a lot of effort to be. To be evil. I wish that in my utopian version of the world, everybody would have one of these. We would all sleep on a Hestens, and instead of when every time we sneezed, we would squirt, right. You would have a spontaneous, a brief but extremely satisfying orgasm.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right. Have you heard the gospel? Yes, I have. Two melees. Three.

[Brandon]

Yeah. The gospel according to Heston's baby.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Have you heard the gospel? Yes. I'm still paying off my Heston 80 years later.

[Brandon]

But you know what? It's supposed to last a lifetime.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It better.

[Brandon]

It is. Oh, it is better.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It will. Those, you know, those Tumi bags? Those Tumi bags. Is that. Is that Swedish? Maybe to me. I don't know. So they are supposed to fix those for life. And my bag was ripped at the airport. And I walked right into the airport to me and I slammed it on the table. And I was like, you guys work on commission. I don't know what I said, but I was just like. And they fixed it for free and shipped it to me.

[Brandon]

Baby, I did one better. I went in, I started crying. I was like, my tummy bag doesn't work. They just gave me a free one. Completely replaced it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Everything good happens to this person.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Which is so crazy because people like, why do people with money get free stuff? It's so fucking bizarre. Do you think about it? Like, it's crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Anyway, no, but I soda just DM'd me and said, we're gonna send you some soda. And I wasn't like, no, send it to someone else. I was like, I will take the prebiotic soda. I'm 35 years old.

[Brandon]

You know that GI tract.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, she's a. Oh, I'll be having a grape soda. Just cracking the bowl, just blowing it out. My God.

[Brandon]

Black toilet in my bathroom.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She got a black toilet, you guys.

[Brandon]

Now I. You know when. When you have a dream and your dream comes true, then you live with your dream. It can become a nightmare. Right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

So the black toilet. I don't know about her. I don't know about her. We are in a trial period because.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Why don't you like a black toilet? That seems so glamorous.

[Brandon]

Of course it looks glamorous.

[Trixie Mattel]

But I want you to imagine over.

[Brandon]

The course of some weeks, are you able to spot certain uncleanly parts? Basically, it's hard to see the shit in there. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's hard to like. Because I clean the toilets with my bare hands. No, it's just like, it's not as satisfying. Like, oh, it's clean because it's all black.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But there's always the toilet. You open up the back, you go, there it is. And you put the lid back down. Right?

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah. I had a wall mounted one, but I was too afraid.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not in Sweden. In Sweden, when you use the toilet, it shoots into space. They sing a song, everything's Holland.

[Brandon]

Gets more flowers. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what we really got to come back for? We got to come back for St. Lucia.

[Brandon]

What's that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know about this? Okay, these whores here, they get in their best drag. Their best weird sacrificial drag. Long, long white dresses in the dark with candles on the Head.

[Brandon]

Oh, okay, I'm listening.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But obviously kind of a fire hazard, too. I was watching some videos of it and I was like, I don't know. That bitch you hate. You're like, you need another candle. Good luck. Evil, right? I don't know.

[Brandon]

Damn.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Damn.

[Brandon]

So you really want to die here? I want to die.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course, in America they'll sell me for parts, you know, here we could have the Trixon Katya Museum or something, you know?

[Brandon]

Yeah. I want to explode.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

I want to explain. Blow it on tv. Yeah, live tv.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, this. With all the love in the world, I don't see you dying old, like.

[Brandon]

No. Well, old. What is old? You know what I mean? Here it's like 300, you know, they live. I mean, the life expectancy in Sweden has got to be like 106.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, they get in the car accident, they live longer.

[Brandon]

Hello. Thank you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, I don't see you at 90.

[Brandon]

Oh, me neither.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

You know, I mean, I'm hoping to kick the bucket before 60, but that's just.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was going to say 50, but it sounded crazy. That's a little crazy because that's in like, 8.

[Brandon]

7.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, well, yeah, okay, 55.

[Brandon]

But you know what? Listen, I. I do want to say something. This is the bald and the beautiful. And not to get corny, but I.

[Trixie Mattel]

Do want to reiterate.

[Brandon]

I think that we should mention this.

[Trixie Mattel]

From time to time.

[Brandon]

Being bald is not a death sentence.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's not.

[Brandon]

It's not an affliction. It's not a disease. It's not. It's not a humiliation. It's not a handicap. It's not a obstacle. It's an opportunity.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

Do you know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What are you looking at?

[Brandon]

That weird piece of dust that just fell over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I thought it was a bug.

[Brandon]

Do you know what I mean? Being bald is cunty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It is.

[Brandon]

You know, it really is. I mean, like, I don't. And I don't understand this, like, crazy hatred of it, because look at American movie stars. We got Vin Diesel secretly gay. By the way, Cynthia Erivo. Cynthia Erivo.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Have a great year.

[Brandon]

Mary. That is so bald. She is so bald. Not as. Not any hair.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Never balded.

[Brandon]

Yeah, we got Vin Diesel secretly gay. I already said that. We got Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Montel Williams, Jason Statham, Mr. Clean.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sure. We have Charlize Theron in that movie.

[Brandon]

Exactly. Yes. Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, we have.

[Brandon]

A lot. Oh, that robot.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, we all have to go see Elio do you know about this?

[Brandon]

No.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The girls at Disney are really mad at us because the Disney people said, well, if you are mad that we don't make more original movies when we put on original movie, you don't go see it. What is the truth, Ellen? You know what I mean?

[Brandon]

Jesus Christ.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like their biggest flop ever. And so.

[Brandon]

Really?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Well, you know what?

[Brandon]

They need to get it right. I'm sorry.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know that I went to see 28 years later?

[Brandon]

I. I did too. Yeah. Oh, they're right. No other way.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What did. Can we spoil or talk about it? Is that okay? What did you think about it?

[Brandon]

I. Listen, I. My brother is. My brother the monk was in town, so we went to the. The movies a lot. He. We went to see F1. Which stray people.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Straight people.

[Brandon]

The guy should have died halfway through. But that's just my opinion. It's like Brad Pitt is going to drive a car, right? He's going to drive it fast, you know, there's going to be an accident. He's going to the hospital. But wow, big surprise at the end. They win, right? You know, so it was. But I have to admit it was kind of high octane, thrilling experience. But two and a half hours really tested the limits of my bladder.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They're asking a lot at these movies, okay?

[Brandon]

They're asking way too much. Well, I had a carafe of soda and an icee.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

And I chugged a water right before we went in there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So icy really hits.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

28 years later I was like, damn. Living up to the name. We are out here for 28 years in this movie.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Ray finds the. The. The bald bitch covered in all like whatever the fuck. Iodine. That was me, right? That was me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This was a spoiler alert. I cried. Mouth open face. I cried like Sarah Paulson.

[Brandon]

I know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

Like Claire Danes. Like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. It was so. And then that. That. The giant zombie with the huge, huge zombie. If you guys are into zombie. This. This motherfucker has a tree trunk hanging out the whole whole movie.

[Brandon]

Yeah. If you want to suck some undead and dick.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

Yeah. It was huge. Flagrantly large with big old balls dangling.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

I loved it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I thought it was so wonderful.

[Brandon]

It was good. But it was surprised. I went in, like, expecting a lot of like. And it was a lot of. Yeah, it was very sad.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was trying to see Final Destination and I guess I missed. I went. I went. The first day it stopped showing in the theater.

[Brandon]

Mary. You can watch on YouTube well, I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Went home and it was like, it's on itunes now. I'm not going to sit on my MacBook.

[Brandon]

No, no, no. You go to. You go on to Ms. YouTube, YouTube.com and you. You can get all the kills in. In one condensed video. Because ain't nothing helping in that movie besides that. You know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like where we.

[Brandon]

Do you like the story?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course. Would you.

[Brandon]

The riveting act.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You like the Saw movie and that's the same shit.

[Brandon]

I just. Yeah, but I go to YouTube.com and I look up the kills. I don't want to. I don't want to like, watch them say, hey, whoa, what's that? I just want to see the heads getting chopped off.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're a movie pirator. You're a thief. And I cannot associate with you, okay? You're the reason why Hollywood is leaving Los Angeles.

[Brandon]

Okay, but for every movie I do that, I bring a can of soup to the library. To the library.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Shut up. You guys. I think we have some questions.

[Brandon]

We do. We have some questions that we have to answer. The people. The people are clamoring for this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're getting a little hungry. We could bring out the reindeer and the root vegetables, please. Thank you so much.

[Brandon]

Does anybody know personally a Skarsgard? No, I mean, like, know them. Not know of them. Which one? All of them. Are you yourself a scars guard? Did you fuck one of them?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Damn, yes. Oh, come on.

[Brandon]

Oh, so delicious.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, I just re watched that stunning film Barbarian Mary. So did I. Oh, my God.

[Brandon]

It's so weird.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Our cycles are synced.

[Brandon]

Oh, my God. We are on the same wavelength because I've just been like, wait a minute.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Can't. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before we do these cards, do you guys know that I had an yet another. Oh, psychic phenomenon?

[Brandon]

This is a little.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And this one is good.

[Brandon]

This is spooky. This is actually.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was in Ireland last time week. Yes, Ireland, home of Bewitched. Say la. Yes. And I had a dream and you guys, when I have dreams, things happen. Okay, I don't want to talk about it, but about a month ago, there was a natural disaster and I had a dream about the number of people that died and they did.

[Brandon]

No, no, tell that in a little more depth because what. It's crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

There was a tornado in the United States and I dreamed that. I dreamed how many people died. And then the next. Like the next day, 27 people had died. And I said, there's going to be 28. I had a dream. There was 28 dead people, and the next day they found one more person. So, yes, psychic. Psychic. Thank you, Sway, then.

[Brandon]

Yes, Now. Let's now. But was this dream after you saw it on the news?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

Okay, okay. Just checking, just checking, just checking.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So last week, this. This actually happened. And I don't care if you all make fun of me, okay? I know I'm a national treasure here, but I can take a little ribbing, okay? We're apart, we haven't talked. If we're not working together, we haven't talked in six years. Right? We have not hung out.

[Brandon]

Dead to me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know what she's doing. I don't know where she is. I don't even know if she has a phone. Right. She's sleeping on Mohare couches and stuff. Whatever you're doing. I had a dream that she was in her house trying to hang a shelf, and she really regretted it because of the holes she put in the wall. And in the dream, she was like, I shouldn't have done it. Now there's huge holes in the wall. I should have had a professional do it. So I wake up and I text her, hey, I had a weird dream. Don't put that shelf in your wall. Don't do it.

[Brandon]

In my left hand, I was holding a shelf, swear to God. And. And. And because a lot of home renovations going on in my house, my dreams have been very mundane, banal, you know, just like hanging curtains, they fall down, you know? And in the dream, sure enough, I had drilled very poorly three big holes into the wall in this fresh paint job. Started crying, and then I had to call a GC to take care of it. Psychic.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Psychic, I said. And then.

[Brandon]

She's crazy, though.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She said, that's actually weird. And she sends a picture of herself holding the shelf. Yeah, she was like, I was about to hang this up, but I wasn't sure about the holes.

[Brandon]

Isn't that weird? That's very.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

My next tour, I will be predicting all of your deaths.

[Brandon]

What? What's mine?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A girl? I said 50. I said no.

[Brandon]

I know, but not when, like, what?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, exploded, Exploded, exploded, Exploded.

[Brandon]

Or would not imploded like a.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

On like a Titanic thing?

[Brandon]

Like. Yeah, like a submersible. Oh, sexy submersible.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know what we have to watch? We have to watch that new Netflix program about the ship at sea with all the feces.

[Brandon]

Baby, I already watched that. You know, I watched that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Was it Fears the Poop Cruise?

[Brandon]

No, there was no real footage. Oh, it's Like, I know there was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You want a triangle of sadness on the ground?

[Brandon]

Yeah, I want. I do. I love. I love a rich pissing and. And puking at the same time.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mind you guys. Sometimes my psychic behavior is like, oh, my God, I just remembered my locker accommodation from high school. Yeah, that's called memory.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So sometimes, yeah, I don't pay attention. Like, maybe you told me you were hanging.

[Brandon]

I think that's probably very likely. No, but I had also dreamed it that night. So. See, there you go.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And all of you make fun of me.

[Brandon]

All right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And the devil laughs.

[Brandon]

Wait, so how do you say the truth in Sweden? You again?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Trixie Mattel]

Okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Talk. The support. That's incredible. If in America, if you just said truth, people, I could have done that. Like, audiences are not happy for each other. That's beautiful, what you guys have here.

[Brandon]

Okay, Son Lingen.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, let's look at these questions.

[Brandon]

So let's see. First one doesn't say who it's from.

[Trixie Mattel]

But here we go.

[Brandon]

Besides each other, who is your favorite queen from Drag Race?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my gosh. What a fabulous question.

[Brandon]

What a great question.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Who do I really think eats it up? Who do I really think eats it up and lets the girls know?

[Brandon]

I would like to divide into two parts. Who is the fiercest queen and who's the fiercest queen? Like, girl.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh.

[Brandon]

Do you know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I think my favorite performer is probably Bobber Jinx. Or you, of course, you.

[Brandon]

No, besides each other.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And the girl who really eats it up and gives the girls what they need to know, lets the girls know exactly what time it is, what the.

[Brandon]

Tea is, who lays it out.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, do any of us matter? But plastique.

[Brandon]

Oh, my God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do any of us matter?

[Brandon]

Mary, if you put me in a.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Room with plastique and Bosco, that's how you die, baby.

[Brandon]

The speed at which I would literally explode. It would just be like. Like that. Oh, my God, those bitches. How do they do it? How do they do it? Who's your fave? I would have to say nowadays, it's gonna be. Wait, wait, is it drag? Was that Drag Race specific? Is that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes. Yeah, I think so.

[Brandon]

I'm gonna say. I'm gonna be kind of. And say RuPaul. I know, because only because of her Instagram. She will teach you how to parallel park. She will. She will teach you how to replace the tire. She will let you. You know, that she just shoved a nuke up her for sure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you know that Joe Wakem from the Heavy metal band Hammerfall is here. It says Joe. It was a lie. Apparently. It was a lie.

[Brandon]

How do you say.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, he's right here.

[Brandon]

Oh, right there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, hello. Hello.

[Brandon]

Stand up and take a bow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Please take a bow, Joseph Marie.

[Brandon]

Oh, there ain't no other way.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you for supporting the gals. Do you. Do you two consider yourselves to be soccer girl? Soccer grease.

[Brandon]

What?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Soccer grease. Soccer grease. What is it? Is it sexy?

[Brandon]

Oh, is this like a.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Is it, like, hot? Does it mean, like. Like tight but roomy?

[Brandon]

It means a sugar pig, mama. I was born in that game.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sugar pig.

[Brandon]

I am the. I'm the only sugar pig.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sugar pig.

[Brandon]

I mean, I'm like, mayor. Oh, girl, please.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Does it mean you eat special candies and stuff, or is it, like a sex thing? It's both. Okay. Sweet tooth. Oh, are you kidding?

[Brandon]

Are you kidding?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I've seen her when we used to do. She would send the PA to go to the 711 down the street and buy multiple candy bars.

[Brandon]

That. That is after consuming at least four or five liters of full fat Red Bull.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And she would get those Starbucks drinks that are like chocolate milkshakes with crack cocaine in them. Those giant ice cream things. Remember?

[Brandon]

Oreo cookie, whipped cream. Chocolate ice cream. It's amazing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I used to be. That was yesterday, but today, Gemini told me I'm overweight. So different times. I wanted to try. There was a gummy in the store called a Ferrari, and it looked like a little red car. And I just had to say, stop it. You don't.

[Brandon]

Wait.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not too much. Not too little.

[Brandon]

You know, y'. All. Did they do this? Is it weed? Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Here? I don't know. I haven't been able to find weed anywhere. Our drugs throw the joints up here. I'll probably go to jail for asking. Oh, God.

[Brandon]

Wait, wait. Are you ambassador to America? Swedish ambassador to America. What is the status of marijuana here? It's legal.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's not.

[Brandon]

Oh, it's illegal. Oh, God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, God.

[Brandon]

Wow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's why y' all go to the park and show your to the sun.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

There's no weed, everyone.

[Brandon]

Not legal. What about cocaine? I'm just kidding.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What about propo. No. Okay. What? Actually, wait, what gives you the actual full body chills?

[Brandon]

Oh, my God. Oh, well, first of all, do you guys know this, like, infamous interview with Meghan Markle and Jamie Lima?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Jamie Corn Lima, first of all, how are you?

[Brandon]

But second, so, like, thank you for coming. But also, how are you? Yeah. You always make it about me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

About me.

[Brandon]

Yeah. And I just. When you're my true friend and I feel that in my soul. And then when people see it, they'll also feel it in their soul.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know. It makes me think of. Have you ever had, like, a fan?

[Brandon]

I made you a charcuterie board.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Have you ever had a fan come up to you and go, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but how's Brian? It's so invasive and weird. I'm like, okay, Robin Williams and 24 Hour Photo.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like RuPaul asked, like, do you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Know what it gives Casey Becker? Like, I want to know who I'm looking at. It's very like, okay, get out of here. Are you gonna me or not? You know?

[Brandon]

Hello? Yeah. If you Dr. If you lure me into a dark alley over the phone, mama, you better be.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You better do it.

[Brandon]

You better fuck me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What gives you the chills?

[Brandon]

For me?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

For me, that moment. Have you ever seen that. That movie the Visit with the kids who go to visit their grandparents?

[Brandon]

Oh. When they find out there's not. There's something quite.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not quite right. So the kids are like, here's. Here's Grandma and grandpa. They're acting weird. And the mom, who's Katherine Han. No, it's not Katherine Han.

[Brandon]

Yes, it is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It is.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

Katherine Han.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I always mix up Meline Khan. That's right. Don't do it. Okay. Katherine Han goes, that's not your grandparents. And they've spent the whole winter break with these two old people. And it's not them. That gave me the chills, baby.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Let's see. Where was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I took a lap around the living room. I said, oh, yes. Oh, girl. Like, I was just like, you know, you got full body chills.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Those aren't your grandparents. You got full body chills. How are you?

[Brandon]

So you want to get full body chills. I. Oh, I got. Oh, I get. I get full body chills when we're all at the red light and we're all turning left and that green arrow appears and the person in the front, bam. They have premeditated their course of action. And they are pumped and ready, and we all glide effortlessly left to wherever we're going.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Isn't that beautiful?

[Brandon]

And it's like, this is the America we could have every day. You know that. And also, I love a stainless steel butt plug up my ass. Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Does your car alert you if you haven't turned yet?

[Brandon]

My. Wait, the thing on my ass.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The Volvo. No. Oh, the Volvo will beep if the car pulls forward and I haven't pulled yet. The Volvo will say go.

[Brandon]

You're kidding.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Brandon]

God, what's next? Microwaves. You can go also, you know, full body chills, pizza in an air fryer. Wow. No, I'm. Listen, my microwave days are over, baby. My microwave days are over. Do you guys even have microwaves here? Trashy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, they're trashy. They put the reindeer in the microwave. Yep. What's your ideal meal? Are we dating? Sweden. Like what? Well, I'll tell you what.

[Brandon]

What is the it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's not the Mexican food here. Holy fucking shit, you guys, yesterday. I don't know what to say, where it is, because I don't want to bring down local businesses. I love everyone. Not too much, not too little. We're talking chips from the store thrown on a plate. Salsa that is not spicy, but just sweet and runny cheese thrown by a person who hates me. Next to a margarita that is in a martini glass, number one with no alcohol, with just lime juice, tequila, and rock salt. Here you go, gal. And then out. Oh, my God. At the theme park, there was a place called Mexican Corner and the mascot was a guy with like a mustache and a big sombrero. I was like, I don't know. Anyway, I don't know, but we live like an hour from Mexico, so that's the only good thing about California is it's like, oh, don't come get the Swedish food in California. I'm sure you'll be like Yorkie Pork.

[Brandon]

You know, you could go to the IKEA and get the meatballs, right? You go to Ikea, get the meatball. No, my. Mine is simple. Fruity Pebbles with half and half.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Girl, you better fucking work, bitch.

[Brandon]

Or if I'm in a pinch, Frosted Flakes. You know, I'm getting that full sugar rush in the morning. I am so gross. Yeah, I'm a 43 year old man who eats Frosted Flakes, Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch with half and half and two full pots of coffee every day. But how does she keep that figure?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And. And then you have the nerve to tell me that I should reconsider taking vitamins.

[Brandon]

Oh, vitamins that don't work.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So, for Trixie, is Katya okay? Do you know about this?

[Brandon]

Oh, my, my, my, my.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Parasite. Is she suffering from dangerous food poisoning? There's a news article that Kennedy Davenport texted this morning and said, is Katya okay? And I said, you got to be more specific.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's several layers to that. Which level of okay are we talking about?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She Said I saw online she has food poisoning. I'm thinking, wouldn't I know? The show's tonight.

[Brandon]

So. So this is. This is a little bit. This is a little spooky because I didn't tell you this. I really didn't tell anybody this because it wasn't that interesting, but I spent two days throwing up from what I can only imagine was some kind of food poisoning. And when I get stomach stuff, I never do. I have a cast iron stomach, but when I do, I become the most fragile, vulnerable woman about to die. And I grab, like, the wall and I'm like, oh. I moan. And nobody's. Nobody's there. You know, Like, I'm not. It's just like, oh. And then, like, fucking projectile vomiting. Blood vessels broken in the eyes, coming out the nose. It's like the Exorcist. And then that thing showed up. Who did that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I.

[Brandon]

Did you do it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Brandon]

What did. How did. Maybe Facebook was in my house. I don't.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The article was crazy. I was like, the show's tonight. If she's in the hospital, I would have been notified. Right.

[Brandon]

Well.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Or am I coming out here with the upside down mop, like, you know, in a dress, like, hey, I don't know.

[Brandon]

Megan the Robot.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Megan the Robot.

[Brandon]

I don't know. I. I do take umbrage with how aggressively they're marketing towards gays. It's like, get a. Like. Like, come on. It's a little.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like, put the butt plug in and support the robots. It's crazy.

[Brandon]

Hey, get the dildos out of your ass and go to the theater.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Brandon]

It's a little crazy for Katya.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What's the capital of Colorado? Oh, is this real?

[Brandon]

Colorado is very real. No, I know, but. Well, why do they want to know? I think we should all know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Did you famously get it wrong?

[Brandon]

I will. I would have to say that it is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Should we say it on the count of three?

[Brandon]

One, two, three. Denver.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's Denver.

[Brandon]

Is it Boulder?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, it's Denver.

[Brandon]

Okay, well, what's the capital of Montana?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I know it.

[Trixie Mattel]

What is it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I do know it.

[Brandon]

Are you gonna say what it is or just keep it to yourself?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't want to give it away.

[Brandon]

Okay. What is it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, but this. This card is crazy because. Do you guys know what headquarter is next to our hotel? Tell them, Adolph. Klarna. I walked outside of the hotel and was like, okay. It says, will you forgive us for Klarna? That's the question.

[Brandon]

Well, listen, I think we can Forgive that. Because we have a lot on our plate that needs forgiveness.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. In America, we would never prey on people not having money. That would never happen in America.

[Brandon]

Exploit folks who don't make a lot of money.

[Trixie Mattel]

Never heard of that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No kidding.

[Brandon]

Never heard of that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course we forgive you. I mean, people are not a monolith. Don't forget, 70% of the United States did not vote for Donald Trump. Yeah, 70%.

[Brandon]

And I think about 6, 68 of that 70 know that the earth is indeed flat.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Flat, Right. What do you got? Mine are getting crazier.

[Brandon]

I know. Can you do your. Can you please do your best Swedish accent? I don't know, mine's not good. I feel like it's something else.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, it's like. I wouldn't say mine is good.

[Brandon]

No, but yours is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mine has natural enthusiasm. Yeah.

[Brandon]

Give me, like, a sentence like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I would like to have some reindeer and root vegetables.

[Brandon]

I would like to have some reindeer and root vegetable.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, I think that's pretty good.

[Brandon]

I think that's good. Can you help me with the steel butt plug in my ass?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, did you guys ever see Trixie and Katya live? Do you remember Kelly Mantle's Swedish accent? What planet was she fucking from?

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah. It's one minute or one second, it's Swedish. Another second it's like, Brooklyn. And then it's like, I don't know where she is. She so funny.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

One time we had to. Private. We had to get a private. Well, charter a plane to get us all to Dublin for our show because all the flights were getting cancelled. And so we flew Kelly there to Belfast. And we're sitting down on the plane. I go, what do you think, Kelly? She said, we're going to Belgium. I said, no, we're not. Don't know what you're talking about.

[Brandon]

They want to know.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do y' all like ikea?

[Brandon]

No.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay.

[Brandon]

I don't. But you know what?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Drag queens in the United States are addicted to those giant blue IKEA bags.

[Brandon]

Oh, baby, I will. I will hoard those bags. The only thing I don't. Listen, American ikea, we just couldn't. We can't have nice things because you know what people are doing in IKEA in America? They're shitting in the toilets. They're shitting in the toilets. They're having sex in the beds. Yeah, they're microwaving things. No, they really are. It's. It's just.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's my sister, she took one of the desks that she does nails in there. She takes clients. They do.

[Brandon]

I run a youth hostel out of the woman.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's a. We work.

[Brandon]

Yeah. It is very reasonably priced.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know what the problem is, for sure. I don't know. I actually have never bought anything from ikea, but I would like to.

[Brandon]

I think that. Well, see, here's the thing. The beds.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mary, the beds.

[Brandon]

I would give it all up. I would give up this gorgeous dress.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

These lovely shoes, the roof over my head. I would give up everything to have the bed of my dreams.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right.

[Brandon]

That's it. That's all you need, a bed.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. I. I don't know. I haven't. The bed I'm in today at this hotel, for some reason, in some of these Scandinavian countries, the queen bed. Surprise. It's two single beds.

[Brandon]

That. It's pleasant.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bill, what is that?

[Brandon]

What is that? I don't.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

In case I get in a fight with my spouse and we push, like, just one.

[Brandon]

Like.

[Trixie Mattel]

I don't know.

[Brandon]

I. I find that you show it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

One and you can roll over.

[Brandon]

I don't find it very off putting. Who? Here, raise your hand if you sleep with your significant other or spouse every night.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's beautiful. You are really good.

[Brandon]

That is so horrifying. That is. You are very. That is. That is brave. And I will never understand the ability to do that. I. It's like, don't, like. Well, I think I'm like, this is what it's like. I go into a public bathroom and somebody comes behind me and puts their arms around me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right? That's. That's what I did to you at the Home Depot.

[Brandon]

Yeah. It's very. It's very unsettling. I don't like it. I don't want it. And please, I never want to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm very hot, cold. Because sometimes I'm like, cuddle me. And then I wake up and I start screaming. I'm trapped. Like, so you never know what I want. You have to tune in and Mary, with the.

[Brandon]

The amount of drool that I admit is just like, it's. Nobody should ever know about that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, Nobody should ever know about that. If you weren't on season seven of RuPaul's Drag Race, which season would you want to be on?

[Brandon]

That's the great question, honestly.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Can I say, rewatching it. I would stay.

[Brandon]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. But gun to your head, you gotta choose. You have to choose.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're talking about this. We're talking all summer. You guys were recapping, so we've been deep in It. We're like halfway through. It's crazy.

[Brandon]

It's crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We all have hair.

[Brandon]

Mama. She looks 12. You look 12 years old. It's crazy. It's.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean, Jazza Masters looks the same age still 20 and 50. She's both at the same time. I don't know how she does it. Eight pack abs.

[Brandon]

Yeah. It's. It's giving the orphan and Benjamin button. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Season seven is great. I would stay. I mean, it's so many stars from this season and the parts of it that are bad are fun bad.

[Brandon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're bad.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Awkward. When we, when we.

[Brandon]

Yeah. When we do bad.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No personality.

[Brandon]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's the time of the show.

[Brandon]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Where we're gonna stand up and they're gonna play the pod music and we're gonna walk forward.

[Brandon]

But can I, can I, can I, can I just suggest something? Because I feel really gorgeous tonight and I think you also look very gorgeous.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Thank you.

[Brandon]

Can we, can we just do. Can we do a couple of Runway walks just back and forth a little bit?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course. Sure.

[Brandon]

I just.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, how about they play the music to play us out and we'll do some Runway and we'll leave and then.

[Brandon]

And then you. And then do your spiel. Tell them what they got to do.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Tell them what they got to do. You're going to clap until both of us are gone.

[Brandon]

Again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Clap until both of us are gone. Not the. Not the. Not the. Stop clapping while we sadly walk off stage. I'm talking. Until you are sure we are back in America, you keep clapping. Okay.

[Brandon]

If we are mid catwalk and the clapping stops, I will kill myself and give us.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We're going to Oslo tomorrow. What do you think? Yes. No.

[Brandon]

What's the strategy?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What's the strat? We know they're not. As you ambassador.

[Brandon]

How do I woo a Norwegian? Have what? Go with nature.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Go.

[Brandon]

Go with stick some dirt.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Go there and put our legs up to the sun.

[Brandon]

Oh, yeah. Okay. I'll. Yeah. Fist full of dirt in a sun filled, sun kissed.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We receive so much unwarranted support from this country and it means so much to us. Thank you you so much.

[Brandon]

Yeah. Thank you for coming. Love you. Love you, love you. So here we go, baby. Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, yes. Ho. Yes.

[Brandon]

Yes. Keep clapping. Keep clapping. You.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bye bye, bye bye bye. TK Tack, tack, tack, tack.

[Brandon]

Sam.