The Last Rites of Eternal Chaos with Trixie and Katya

Summary

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Episode: The Last Rites of Eternal Chaos

Date: March 3, 2026

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Overview

In this vibrant episode, Trixie and Katya traverse topics that embody their signature blend of chaos, humor, and candor—from the daily realities of drag celebrity life to deep dives into pop culture, funerals, technology, and reality television. With wit and unpredictability, they spiral through themes of mortality, addiction, weddings, tech, and queer nightlife, all served with a helping of randomness and sharp observation that make their discussions both relatable and hilarious.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Touring and Live Shows

• The duo celebrates their nearly sold-out spring tour and discusses the energy and exclusivity of live drag performances.
  • [02:04] Katya: “Can you believe we had to add a second show to Boston and Toronto Queen? We sure did. So you Bostonians in Toronto... snatch up tickets.”
  • [02:22] Trixie: “It’s going to be hot. It’s going to be exclusive. It’s going to be fabulous.”

2. Pop Culture & Media Rabbit Holes

• A meandering journey through musical performances, pop idols, Met Gala moments, and classic American references.
  • Mocking the “Star-Spangled Banner” and dissecting pop performances: “Nobody can do Whitney’s [national anthem].” (05:01, Trixie)

3. Tech & Consumer Chaos

• Extended riffing on VR headsets, headphones, and the absurdities of modern tech, shifting between genuine enthusiasm and campy revulsion.
  • [09:15] Trixie on Apple Vision Pro: “It’s a toaster hanging off my face.”
  • [09:50] Katya: “The best thing about [Apple Vision] is porn. Really?”

4. Reality TV, Intervention, and Transformation

• Deep dive into the emotional resonance and ethics of shows like “Intervention” and “Thousand Pound Sisters.”
  • [11:04] Trixie: “The show does show one thing: there is no profile for an addict.”
  • [13:11] On the transformation depicted: “The difference between that person at the beginning and once they’re clean—crazy. The eye color, the skin color, everything.”
• They lament the exploitative or redemptive aspects of these series and reflect on reality TV’s shifting authenticity.

5. Weddings: Fantasies vs. Realities

• Candid talk about the wedding industry, the rising costs, and the social pressures behind bridal glitz.
  • [47:02] Trixie: “A wedding is a luxury item... You can have a zero dollar wedding anytime you want.”
  • [47:28] Katya: “More and more people are eloping because they would rather put the money toward a house or a baby.”

6. Death, Funerals, and Queer Grief

• Personal and poignant reflections on the culture of funerals—specifically the loss of music producer Gabe Lopez.
  • [35:44] Trixie: “They were like, we need... support. So if anybody cries, just start clapping.”
  • [38:23] Katya: “Funerals are strange—not in a bad way, but almost like a dream.”
• Hilarious mishap: Trixie arrives at a funeral two hours early, turning grief awkwardness into comedy: “Whoever shows up earliest loved the person the most.” (37:09, Trixie)

7. Commentary on Wealth, Divorce, and Asset Recovery

• Blunt takes on combining finances, wills, and navigating scams.
  • [49:18] Katya: “Don’t merge your assets.”
  • [51:01] Trixie: “I don’t think it’s a scam, because I did get money.”

8. Listener Interactions & College Gigs

• Reading and responding to listener comments, the duo reflects on their fanbase, college shows, and generational gap with hilarious self-deprecation.
  • [53:00] Trixie: “Now it’s like, did you need a chair for us to roll you onto stage in?”
  • [54:35] Katya: “Did your friends say I have no respect for the medium [of podcasting], even though I’m a comedian? I love that.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Reality TV Addiction

• “It just feels like one of the only reality things that feels real.”
  —Trixie, on “Intervention” [13:11]

On Celebrity Grief & Funerals

• “If anybody cries, just start clapping.”
  —Trixie, on Gabe Lopez’s funeral [35:44]

On Wedding Culture

• “We’ve lost touch with the fact a wedding is a luxury item… you can have a zero dollar wedding anytime.”
  —Trixie [47:02]
• “More and more people are eloping because they would rather put the money toward a house or a baby.”
  —Katya [47:28]

On Technology

• “It’s a toaster hanging off my face.”
  —Trixie, on Apple Vision Pro [09:15]

On College Tours

• “Now it’s like, did you need a chair for us to roll you onto stage in?”
  —Trixie, about doing college gigs in her 30s [53:00]

On Listener Commentary

• “I aspire that we are the low point of your week. The Nader, the Dredge, the Slog.”
  —Trixie [56:10]

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• Tour Announcement and Ticket Chaos: 02:00 – 03:00
• Dunkin Donuts, Met Gala, National Anthem Chat: 02:43 – 06:00
• Technology Rant (Headphones, VR, Porn): 07:00 – 10:10
• Addiction & Reality TV Commentary: 10:17 – 15:57
• Thousand Pound Sisters, Reality vs. Influencer TV: 15:57 – 18:17
• Tyra Banks, Talk Shows, 2000s Nostalgia: 16:22 – 19:52
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre & Horror Flicks: 25:39 – 28:13
• Grief, Funerals, Coming Early to Memorials: 34:55 – 38:20
• Weddings, Elopement, Divorce Advice: 47:03 – 49:45
• Listener Comments & Fan Shoutouts: 51:19 – 56:59

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Tone & Style

Unfiltered, irreverent, and deeply queer, the episode melds absurdity with moments of real vulnerability. Self-deprecating jokes, camp anecdotes, and pop culture tangents pile on top of sharp social commentary. There’s honest talk about addiction, grief, and death, all in a way that never loses sight of humor as both coping mechanism and weapon.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Bald and the Beautiful is classic Trixie and Katya—unpredictably moving between superficial drag culture amusements and genuinely thoughtful reflection. Their banter is comforting, hilarious, and often sneakily profound. Whether discussing “hot ice cream,” funerals, or the pros and cons of asset recovery, the queens serve both giggles and wisdom in equal measure.

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For those looking for:

• A shot of madcap queer talk with sharp cultural commentary
• Deep dives into reality TV, weddings, death, and drag life
• The best and most chaotic tangents in drag podcasting

…this episode delivers all the eternal chaos you need.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I'm excited. We're not doing that many dates and my New Year's resolution is quality over quantity. And we're doing it.

[A]

We're doing it. Can you believe we had to add a second show to Boston and Toronto Queen? We sure did. So you Bostonians in Toronto, in torontights or whatever the you call yourselves, you better get some tickets. Yeah, snatch him up.

[B]

We do have a few seats left for some of these cities and we are not doing that many of these this year.

[A]

It's going to be hot. It's going to be exclusive. It's going to be fabulous.

[B]

Tickets available now at trixie&kati.com Queen atu.un cigarette. Kim Kardashian had this absolutely stunning, sexy

[A]

look at the Met gala.

[B]

God, it sounds like in my mind to Dunkin Donuts by your house.

[A]

Sugar's in a powdered donut.

[B]

Yeah, that's the person.

[A]

It totally is.

[B]

That Dunkin Donuts goes off. The one by your old apartment, like.

[A]

Yeah. With the. Does it still have the Starbucks there? The. The competing. They do like white collar, blue collar. Love. You know what I mean?

[B]

If you're a jocks and you go out, you walk the alley.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You walk through that to the left. That one, I think is the flagship. It's the flagship Boston Dunkin Donuts. Yep. Over the land of the free. Can I say trapped? I don't want to drag Francis Scott Key, who wrote the. The. The Pledge of Allegiance or whatever. Drag her. Drag that brick.

[A]

Drag that brick.

[B]

Or the land. Mary. I don't see it for.

[A]

There's so many. There's so many.

[B]

It's too much words. I better remove the V. We can't be doing that.

[A]

There's so many suspicious phrases in that, Little Diddy.

[B]

Or the land. Oh, no.

[A]

The ramparts.

[B]

What's a rampart?

[A]

Thank you. What are they?

[B]

That part. Rampart.

[A]

It's gross. I've got phlegm in my mouth.

[B]

Oop. What is she giving. Did you see? Did you see? What do you do?

[A]

What do you know about Miss Charlie Puth?

[B]

Oh, is that the guy with the eyebrows? Car.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He does a lot of other things

[B]

besides he plays piano and sings. Right. He's

[A]

a male vocalist,

[B]

right? No. Oh, that's awful. Isn't that awful?

[A]

He's the one who's like my.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you want. You want to fuck him?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. He sang the national anthem the other day at the NFL thing, and I was wondering how he did.

[B]

I mean, I. The people who sing it. The people who sing it. Acapella. Balls of steel, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The girls do a good job, but it's balls of steel.

[A]

Yeah. Nobody can do Whitney's. Nobody can outdo Whitney.

[B]

No. And they don't try, which is good. And she's not here to say if you did a bad job. I mean, realistically, like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She also isn't gonna tell you you didn't do as good as me. You know, like, that time has passed. I bet it was harder the year after that. Anybody had to Sing. And it was like, well, fuck.

[A]

Ooh, I wonder who that was. It was probably Fergie. Remember that one? That was the basketball game.

[B]

I love that. That's the best thing ever.

[A]

Also I watched. I don't know.

[B]

I've heard that shit so many times. Yeah, yeah. Let's do the off the beaten path version. Let's do the slam poetry Marina Omabrova bit. Let's do. Let's do the interpretive vocal.

[A]

Let's do the running into the woods. The

[B]

girls allowed.

[A]

Does that mean anything to you?

[B]

Girls allowed? It's when you allow girls.

[A]

It's like the girl group.

[B]

Oh, it's a group.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Have you ever heard of them?

[A]

Oh, they got this great song. Well, it's not great. It's a. It's like. It's a really bizarre song. And they got a music video to go with it where none of them are doing the choreo in sync at all.

[B]

It's fierce.

[A]

It's so fierce. I think it's like a making the band type of British. I don't know, like one of those. Yeah, they were created through pop stars. The rivals.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, wow.

[A]

It's like one of those things. What do you think about that?

[B]

Can we address the situation? What? We have a producer microphone in the room. Now, all of you people who hate to hear Tracy laugh, well, now you're going to hear it. Full stereo sound.

[A]

Not even notice that.

[B]

Fierce.

[A]

Oh, I didn't put my headphones on.

[B]

Oh, she has headphones on. Wait, are these yours? These are really nice. You know, we got these in the mail from Sennheiser. These are fancy. The only reason I'm scared to wear them is cuz I always have makeup on. I'm scared of. Shout out. Don, who gave us those headphones?

[A]

And mike?

[B]

Don.

[A]

Don, we love you, Don. Hey, Don.

[B]

I don't know what it is. Something in the sound world. Recently Sinheiser and Road have both started sending me things. Almost like they both. They both decided at the same moment they want to fuck me. So they're like, who can send the biggest. Like pebble and the Penguin? The dowry. Well, I'll have you know, Sennheiser, I'm interested in receiving perhaps a. A plane.

[A]

Yeah, also Bose. We're listening. Oh, also Sonos. What is your sound bar at home?

[B]

Mary? I love everything. That's the problem. I love the JBL.

[A]

Yeah, JBL, the little dookie.

[B]

Yes. I also have a Polaroid P4, which is their stand up, like Bluetooth radio. Love it. I also have. I be experimenting. I have some skull candy wireless headphones that I have had for five years, probably. Hell yeah. And are in perfect working condition. But all my little headphones are Apple AirPods. Yeah. I would say I lose one every four days.

[A]

I. Yeah, I would. I would agree with that. And I don't like it. I don't like it. I love those, but I don't like the way they. If you drop your. Your fucking AirPods, they spring load, like fly into the next galaxy.

[B]

Yeah, they do. They do fly. They fly.

[A]

And it's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's really embarrassing.

[B]

Yeah, they fly. They be flying.

[A]

They'd be flying.

[B]

And then my house has speakers in the ceilings. Vessel. Oh. So I do listen to that sometimes. And I got those metagoggles. I like to listen to the radio in those goggles. So I be listening to music. I want to be able to have music.

[A]

There's no option.

[B]

Do you have.

[A]

Do you have those. Do you get that virtual reality thing?

[B]

Yeah, tell me about it. You love it.

[A]

You dying for it.

[B]

I go through phases. So I have two. I have the Oculus Quest 3, which is like the gaming kind of console, and I have the Apple Vision.

[A]

Okay. So that's the one where you go like, ugh.

[B]

That's basically. They call it spatial computing. So the idea is you can word process or go on TikTok or look at Twitter, whatever, without using your computer. So, like, if I was sitting here, my Twitter window would be floating out in space in front of me, and I use my fingers to navigate it and click things.

[A]

You like that?

[B]

I go through phases.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For a while, my arthritis was really bad. It was great because I could lay down completely flat on the ground and work.

[A]

Wow, that's grim.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I mean, it's nice, but that's. That's sad.

[B]

But that was nice. And then sometimes, let's say I'm producing. I could have my music production stuff, my library of sounds, my whatever, whatever. You can have like 40 windows all at once. So it's like you have 20 monitors.

[A]

You're like, oh, I don't like that, though. It's chaos.

[B]

It is chaos. I don't know. I don't think Apple Vision Pro has caught on. No, I follow the Apple Vision Pro Reddit, where people candidly talk about, like, all right, I've had mine for two years. Here's what I really think. Yeah, Everybody says the same thing. Like, I just don't use it. Yeah, it's not that comfortable. It's a toaster hanging off my face.

[A]

Yep. I, I Mary, when I, when that oculus thing came out, I was like,

[B]

well, there I go.

[A]

Never coming back. I was like, porn. 3D porn. I'm gonna like just walk into the woods and never come back. Oh, can't stand it.

[B]

Can't stand it. Can't stand it.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like the. I don't, I'm like, I don't like it.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, the apple vision is. I would say the best thing about it is porn. Really?

[A]

But is it.

[B]

Do you wanna watch porn, like at the drive in on such a massive scale that you feel like, honey, I shrunk the kids and the dick is so big.

[A]

But I don't.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

We know what I don't like, though. The POV thing where like you look down and there's a wiener.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And you're like on a massage table.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like that. I do not like that.

[B]

Yeah, at that point. Have some sex. Yeah, have some sex. Do you think sex is good?

[A]

I think sex is good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It can be even great.

[B]

I was talking to somebody who is a drug addict the other day. Not you and I. It was. I. You're not the only cracky in my life, honey. Okay? Damn, I got a whole carousel. You. And when you're not around, I watch intervention. Okay, wait.

[A]

I'm addicted to smelling my. My dad's underwear.

[B]

That's not intervention.

[A]

That's my strange addiction.

[B]

Strange addiction.

[A]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[B]

At this point, I wouldn't say the things you're addicted to an intervention are strange. It's like fentanyl. Like it's not strange. Oh, yes, smelling your dad's genes or whatever is strange. But like my strange addiction, I'm on. I'm on alcohol. It's like it's not strange.

[A]

So how do they make it fresh, those intervention shows?

[B]

Well, we're on season 25 and, well,

[A]

I guess it just keeps on the gift that keeps on giving.

[B]

Unfortunately for us all addiction is. So that show does show one thing, which is there is no profile for an addict.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[B]

No profile. All ages, all genders, all generations, any day of the week. Political views any day of the week. Any amount of functioning. Some can't feed themselves. Some work full time still. Yeah, like all over the place. And I watch it. I used to enjoy it more because there is some sort of shock, but they do a good job of. It's uplifting and very human because the people A lot of them do. The show is maybe their. That see this. Okay. The story I'm being told by the show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that for a lot of these people, this show did intervene with a cycle that wasn't working for them. Oh. Their family surrounds them. They go to treatment a lot of times for the first time. I'm not saying it sticks. Yeah. I was gonna say it's not a straight line.

[A]

Right, right. But I'm like, I'm curious about that part. Did it. Did the show start out as exploitative or was it always like. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

I think it depends who you ask. Like.

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

I've watched it on and off for years. Yeah. And I can't watch too many because there's. There is this moment. I will say there's this moment. Most of the time when you see them at the end of the episode, they're leaving treatment. Tell Trixie I want to know. Most of the time when they're leaving treatment at the end of the episode, you are seeing them detox for the first time. The difference between that person at the beginning and once they're clean. Crazy. The eye color, the skin color, everything. And so there are these moments of like, oh, wow. And also they talk a lot to the families about the systems because, let's be honest, somebody that deep in addiction, somebody's feeding them, somebody's housing them, somebody's paying for them. So you're really looking at. A lot of times it's family dynamics. This is part of it. What they are really exploring a lot of the times is abuse, Parent issues, sibling issues, spousal issues. The drugs is just part of it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I don't know. I'm not saying it's a great show. I'm not going to say that they're. It's not. It's not National Geographic. But the people on it are so candid. It just feels like one of the only reality things that feels real. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Damn.

[B]

I mean, I. I don't know if you'd like it.

[A]

I don't. I don't think it's probably a little too shop talky for me. The. I. I don't know.

[B]

It's like how you. I don't want to go home, watch Drag Race. Yeah, you don't want to go home, watch.

[A]

There's a. There's like, I.

[B]

You didn't see.

[A]

If I had legs, I'd kick you. But it's this movie with Rose burn that's got Oscar buzz for her for best actress. It is a slog. It's not a feel good film.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's a woman.

[B]

It's.

[A]

You watch a woman unravel for two hours and it's so stressful and it's so crazy and it's so, like, not uncomfortable.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then I was like reading reviews on letterboxd and it was like, ah, yes, the perfect movie to unwind to after a long day at work because it's literally just like needles in your eyes. And I'm like, I. Oh, I don't know about that.

[B]

I don't know about that.

[A]

Like, like difficult, horrible movies, like.

[B]

No, I know what you mean.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

And for me, the worse the world is, the more I want departure. And so I have fallen off of Intervention over the years because it's tough. It's. The older I get. It's. It's a little much now for me, but it.

[A]

Every episode doesn't end them dying, does it?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. A lot of times, like this whole season seemed like they were in Canada. A lot of times it's the first time they've been in treatment. You get them at the end getting out of treatment and you get an update saying, like, at the time of this airing, the person is still clean, whatever. Or you get that they relapsed and they went back to treatment. Like, you do get like a. I don't know. I'm not saying it's my favorite show, but I'm saying every few years I'll notice, oh, there's some new episodes and I'll watch like five and I'll be like, I'm good now for a while.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I'm watching Thousand Pound Sisters, which is similarly. You want to talk in the world of influencer and you want to talk in the world of people moving into a fake house to film their reality show. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

People don't really. It's not their house on tv.

[A]

Right, right, right, right.

[B]

Over here on season six now of Thousand Pound Sisters.

[A]

Thousand pound, Thousand Pound Sisters. So they each weigh a thousand pounds?

[B]

No, Together they weigh. In the beginning, Amy and Tammy together weighed over a thousand.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Tammy alone I think was 700. Then it started. Oo, girl. Tammy now is tiny, tiny, tiny.

[A]

She's tiny.

[B]

Tammy's lost hundreds of pounds.

[A]

Hundreds of pounds melting.

[B]

So it's a family of very big people and they're all like one by one getting the surge.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so that's Like a big part of it. But I just want to say these people are not performing for the camera. They're not doing a bit. They're not getting their hair and makeup done to go shoot a gym scene.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They're living. Yeah, they're just living. They're a real family. They can't fucking stand each other. Fierce. And they are very critical of each other and they all have the ups and downs with the body stuff. I just love, I, I like that type of reality. I mean, even 90 Day Fiance, which I love. They're choosing to be on it because they want to do gymshark ads.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

[B]

Or whatever.

[A]

Yeah. There's an ulterior motive.

[B]

There's an ulterior motive, which is fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like if you love your job, you can also expect money. I don't think it's the devil.

[A]

Totally. I mean, ever since the, the Netflix Tyra thing came out, have you noticed everybody doing like, every publication is doing a whole thing of like looking back at it and did you watch it while I was on tv? I surely did on UPN or IGN

[B]

or whatever I remember it being on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But only during COVID did I really like. Oh, that's right, watch it, watch it. I watched like the first 10 seasons in succession during COVID It's so, it

[A]

was so wild and I, I, I've been like trying to figure out what actually Tyra Banks hot ice cream is. And I now, I, I know what it is now. But that whole thing is so wild too.

[B]

The hot ice cream is a metaphor, don't you think? It's like she's selling this paradoxical thing you didn't ask for.

[A]

It's like, it's almost like too, it's like too heavy handed.

[B]

It's crazy. It's like we're going to get the hottest girls from small towns and we're not gonna give them any food and we're gonna swing this grandfather clock thing at them. Like, it's fierce, it's awful, it's crazy. You know what? And this is how I know I'm a true faggot and I don't want anybody at home to be mad at me. But of course, the documentary, like, I saw an article roundup that was like how to be a like perpetrating liar in a trench coat for three hours starring Tyra Bank. It was like, I wouldn't say people watch it and I feel redeemed with her. Yeah. But the problem is I'm still a faggot.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

And when they're like, isn't she the worst? And they cut to like a 90s Runway shot of her, I go, no, she's the hottest. Like, I just am like.

[A]

But I just.

[B]

Have you ever seen Life size Lindsay Lohan?

[A]

Have you ever watched any of her Tyra Banks show programs?

[B]

There.

[A]

Her talk show.

[B]

Am I not a Nikki fan? Yeah, of course.

[A]

When she invited Naomi Campbell with no audience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, so crazy.

[B]

Crazy, so crazy.

[A]

But there was rabies, you know, but there was.

[B]

There was a time of that. Like, remember, Wendy's talk show was crazy. Yes. Bethany Frankel had a crazy talk show. There was a time where they were like, let's get the girls out here and let's get a five gallon pail and a barn light and get the weird on index cards. Like, really?

[A]

I mean, I kind of miss. I miss the Wendy cinematic universe.

[B]

Of course. Did you ever see. Seen Omarosa on Wendy, right?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Omarosa visits the Wendy show. Okay. And is it. Do they. It's immediately hostile. Immediately. It is immediately hostile. It gets so mean and Wendy's like, just trying to show her book and Omosa snatches it out of her hand and she's like, I won't be disrespected. It gets so nuts. And then they start ripping each other's looks. Oh, I think Wendy's like, I would do a little Restylane under the eyes and then Omarosa goes. And I would get a wig that doesn't sit three inches off your head, which is awful. Which by the way, for me with Trixie, I'm like three inches. How about 10, baby? Yeah.

[A]

Like, oh, it's so wild.

[B]

It's so wild. But I think you could have a talk show.

[A]

I mean, I would love to. I. It would be better than Tyra's.

[B]

You could do like, like a late, late night. I love you at like an 11.

[A]

No, like 2 2am like, like, I'd want to have like, what's her name? USA Up All Night. Rhonda Shear or something like Elvira. Kind of like, like a slut after hours. Really smoky and just like.

[B]

You know what I mean? Oh, I would love for you like an Elvira, but you show like your weird shit.

[A]

Yeah. Or. Or like, we just do erotic thrillers. Skinemax kind of.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, that would be so awesome.

[A]

I love a good erotic. And we, like, we could do Rank it on, like, how long is the sex scene?

[B]

And I'm not talking like hand that works, a cradle.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Cable network Cinemax After Dark. I'm talking, like, gauze.

[A]

Yeah, it's Emmanuelle in space. Or like, you know, illicit confessions.

[B]

What? She didn't know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's all gonna. It has to have, like, to qualify, it has to have like a five minute sex scene.

[B]

Maybe we could do it together and then we'll do each. We'll do back and forth. And I will be doing Lifetime movies.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It'd be like Siskel and Ebert, but, like, with smut in schmaltz. That would be so fierce.

[B]

Today's episode of Bald and Beautiful is brought to you by hims. He done already done had himses. Hims can't help you fold a fitted sheet. If hims could do something for me, I would like hims to help me back out of my driveway without hitting the garage door about 40% of the time. But hims can't do that. But hims can help you with your performance in bed. The thing about ED is I have had it in the past. When I was at my absolute, let's say a transitional time, emotionally, it was really hard for me, and this was a symptom of that. And I was able to have access to ED medicine. And honestly, it got me back on my feet, and now I'm back to doing it on my own. But at this time in my life where I needed the care, I was able to get it, and it changed everything for me. At Hims, it's 100% online, prescribed by licensed providers with doctor trusted ingredients. And it's all personalized to you. ED is so much more common than you think. And this product, Himssel, offers treatments ranging from personalized products to generics. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. And I'm just gonna be honest. Some of this stuff is just hard to talk about. I was really only able to talk about this after I got help. But what I love about it is you don't have to go to the waiting room. Forget about you feeling uncomfortable with this, going to a doctor you've never seen. You get to do this all digitally, and you get back to your old self with 100% online access to treatment, which I love. To get simple online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit himss.com bald that's hims.com bald for your free online visit hims.com bald Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Better Help. I mean, listen at Bald and the Beautiful every single day, is it Women's Day? But we're going to take a moment to celebrate women and what they carry. Everything, work, relationships, families. I know I carry a very large handbag to make sure my hands look small and the many roles we all hold. Every day march includes International Women's Day, which is a moment to celebrate women's strength and progress while also recognizing how much we carry every day between caring for people, managing unseen responsibilities, emotional well being, chronic illness. I mean, these are all things that can be overlooked. And it's important to remind everybody, but especially women, how much they matter and how much therapy offers a space to take care of yourself in a way that you deserve. I'm going to take a moment to celebrate the women in my life. And you guys don't know this, but behind the Trixie and Katya team, it's like a lot of women who basically run our entire lives and support us and make sure people can see and hear us and make sure we're fed like Tracy and Maddie and all the people around us. Amy, who makes my costumes, who makes costumes out of nothing into something fabulous. Amy and I talk all the time about what's going on in our lives. And sometimes, you know, it's like we're out here working together to create magic and fantasy while dealing with really real things. And with talk therapy, something I've gained a lot from is it's all about balance. You can't really change things. You can't really change the world some ways, but you can change the way you, like handle everything, which I think is like key. Therapy can create balance. It can set healthy boundaries and support overall well being for everyone. Better Help has quality therapists which follow a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the United States. And plus there's over 30,000 therapists. So it's a huge platform with client reviews, 6 million people globally, and it works. Everything about going to therapy is daunting. And let me tell you, being able to do your first session from your own living room, it is truly. It just lubricates a situation that shouldn't have to be difficult, but sometimes it is. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] bald. That's better help. H L P.com/bald. You know, I listened to this week's pod and I all week I was like, were we too hard.

[A]

Too hard on who?

[B]

We let me. We let her off easy. I listened to it being like, are we fans of hers?

[A]

No, that was in Bridge Troll Needs to get Wrecked. Yeah.

[B]

Like, I think we were a little nice.

[A]

We were too nice. We actually were. I think we flattered her, even.

[B]

And I saw some of the comments were like, finally. I was like, maybe you don't listen hard enough. We jump down throats every week on this fucking show. I feel like we do sometimes. We don't say names.

[A]

Yeah, but Pam Bondi, I sure will say out loud, Pamela Bondi.

[B]

Girl. Even Ginger Minj was in there being like, you're lying. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Like, Ginger, the senators, Madam Attorney General, you are lying.

[B]

And Robbie Turner stood up and said, yeah, she is. Yeah, she is.

[A]

It's so crazy.

[B]

Bobby Turner pulls that Uber into that room, crashes straight through the wall. Crashes.

[A]

Backs right up into it, girl.

[B]

Mary.

[A]

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Before we get into that. Oh, I saw.

[B]

I. This.

[A]

Do you fuck with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre by chance?

[B]

The movies.

[A]

Yes, the movie.

[B]

I love the first movie.

[A]

Yeah, the first movie's great. And then there's a. There was a remake that's pretty good, but there's been several remakes.

[B]

Are you talking about the one with Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger?

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

Renee Zellweger is in. Yes, she is in. Its fierce, and it has the best. It has the most amazing. Is that 2003 movie poster. It's a girl's lips, and she's holding a lipstick, but the lipstick is a little chainsaw, and where it touches the lips, sparks are flying on it.

[A]

Oh, that's cool.

[B]

It is so cool.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[A]

The Next Generation. The Next Generation.

[B]

It's not a remake. Sorry. No, no, no.

[A]

You know, I, I, I was watching clips. I just. I went down, like, a rabbit hole of, like, Leatherface clips. And I was like on YouTube, and I was like, when does he ever gas up his chainsaw? When does he ever gas that bitch up? She got eternal gas in that thing.

[B]

Cold fusion. It's called cold fusion. It's cold fusion.

[A]

Cold fusion or it's cold brew. It's cold fusion.

[B]

Oh, my God. It runs on Duncan due to heat. Runs on Duncan. Yeah.

[A]

Leather faces chainsaw runs on Duncan.

[B]

It never goes out, so the roof is. And I don't want to get know. Mato's favorite Movie is Texas Chancel Massacre. Get out of Here. His favorite. He loves it. Yes. So what I love about it is when you watch that first movie, it's friends on a road trip, basically. Then they pick up the hitchhiker. That was weird. He cuts himself. That's weird. But mostly the dynamic is like these siblings fighting and, like, the group squabbling, like, friend.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then all of a sudden, they go into this house. I think they run out of gas or whatever. That. When that wall opens up, the wall slides open like a door, and Leatherface grabs the guy and closes the door back up. And you, as a viewer, had no warning, no explanation. They really surprise you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And when. Because all horror movies happen in the dark at the end, when it's like sunset and she's running bleeding. Something about dusk. Like, sunset is scary.

[A]

It was very scary. Was very scary.

[B]

The daylight and someone. You're so remote that the daylight don't matter. There's no one to save you.

[A]

That's.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like.

[A]

Yes. Like, even though it's daytime, you're not say, oh, I don't like that.

[B]

It's like candy.

[A]

That's like Candyman. All took. Took place during the day.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The parking garage where it's like. Yeah. Oh, he really turned it, that actor.

[A]

Tony Todd.

[B]

Tony Todd.

[A]

Tony Todd. Tony Todd turned it.

[B]

He.

[A]

He surely did.

[B]

Tony Todd turned it up. Um.

[A]

I. I watched. You're not gonna watch Wuthering Heights?

[B]

No.

[A]

You don't go to the movies?

[B]

Yeah, I won't watch.

[A]

I'm like. I'm obsessed with. God, I'm obsessed with bad reviews of everything.

[B]

Are you.

[A]

You with any of these Olympics at all?

[B]

No, no. I mean, I watch the LA. Local news every day, and they be. They. They include packages from that every day. So I. I see it peripherally. I do know that there's a wonderful speed skater from Wisconsin. Yes.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jordan something. No, I don't know.

[B]

He is, but I'm a little offended because they keep going. And then there's this kid from Wisconsin. They act like he crawled out of a hole in the ground. Like he is. It's winter sports and he's from Wisconsin. Why is that not.

[A]

I know. That's like. Yeah.

[B]

Like, we should be good at winter sports.

[A]

A lot of talent comes out of Wisconsin, if I'm not mistaken.

[B]

Who?

[A]

Prince.

[B]

Prince is from Minnesota.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Well, he's. Minneapolis.

[A]

Well, same thing.

[B]

But that's really close to Wisconsin. Yeah, same at the airport. They have all The Purple Prince, you know, store and shit. I think he's from.

[A]

I think you're right.

[B]

Minneapolis.

[A]

You're definitely right.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when I play shows in Minneapolis, I always end with Raspberry Beret. Like, when I walk out and people flip out in Minneapolis, they. They flip out.

[A]

What is your favorite Prince song?

[B]

RuPaul's DJing in Milwaukee.

[A]

Really?

[B]

At the Rave Eagles Club.

[A]

I want to go to that girl.

[B]

I want to see her out there, too. And she'd always be wearing, like, a hazmat suit or something. Or a house coat.

[A]

Yep. Whatever. Her little flippers. Anything. Like, anything.

[B]

But the vibe check is correct. She's bouncing. She's living.

[A]

She is giving it.

[B]

She's.

[A]

She's given the energy. She's a conduit.

[B]

Yeah, it's fierce. Let's plug RuPaul's show in Milwaukee. Honestly. Milwaukee? RuPaul? When. When is she coming? She's not going to Milwaukee regularly. Let's make it a event.

[A]

She had a fracking. She sure did have some fracking visuals up there once. It was hysterical.

[B]

I remember that. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Yeah.

[A]

No, but it looks like I was like, I. I didn't even hear about this tour. And then I saw, like, clips of it. I was like, this looks like the funnest thing ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know anything about it. March 21st.

[B]

March 21st. Go see Raymond. Go see Raymond in Milwaukee.

[A]

If you're In Milwaukee on March 21, you know what to do.

[B]

That is fun. That is fun. That is. And then make sure you go out afterward and get drinks at the local homosexual facilities, because you never know when they could close.

[A]

The fags are hurting.

[B]

The fags are hurting.

[A]

They're hurting.

[B]

The effigies are hurting.

[A]

Girl.

[B]

There was.

[A]

Well, I'll talk about the weather, but do you. Last night or the night before, the. The wind and rain were, like, hurricane level.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It was wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was on the top floor. My thing. I thought the whole thing was just gonna come down.

[B]

Fierce, girl. I bet it was slightly creaking and you were stumbling. No, no. Apartment naked.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

I bet it was slightly like.

[A]

No, it was like. It was like, whoa.

[B]

Your breastplate on? Yeah.

[A]

They're all wet, too.

[B]

Yeah. Lube everywhere. I don't know why. Listen, I made you something.

[A]

You did not.

[B]

I did. I got really inspired by you talking about Pam Bondi.

[A]

Fierce.

[B]

And I just. I just thought of you, and, you know, I sit home and think about you, and I'm. I'm jerking it. And you know you're stroking your.

[A]

Brought into hell. Go to hell. Beat and die into hell. Go to hell.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, you gotta send me that. I gotta put on my gym list.

[B]

Edible.

[A]

My gym playlist.

[B]

Me on a 2.5 milligram edible. Crossed out. My eyes turned blue and crossed. And I was on this computer like. Like, yes. No. But I was playing video games and the lobbies were taking too long. So I was like, how about this?

[A]

Pam Bondi.

[B]

Pam Bondi, go to hell. Rot in hell. Eat and die. Fierce. It's fierce. That clip, too. At the end, I just go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Today's episode of all the Beautiful is brought to you by Rakuten. Listen, with Rakuten, you can earn cash back and rewards on nearly every single purchase, from shopping to travel to dining experiences. So why not shop with the most rewarding way to shop? I mean, how much stuff do you buy from Petco or Macy's or Ulta or, you know, Zappos? Best Buy? Like, I swear to God, I go to best Buy and just buy multiple hard drives and SD cards all at once. These are things that if I already have to buy them, I might as well buy them in a way where I get something back. Rakuten. If you've used Rakuten, you know that basically it's a long list of stores, stores you would not believe they have on there. And you're gonna get credit for shopping at those stores in a way that's different than if you just walked in and did it in person or shopped online or things like Ulta. Like, I know I'm gonna use this many bottles of this foundation that I buy every single year. So it's like, instead of me or Brandon running to Ulta multiple times a year, I can use Rakuten and actually get cash back that I can use for the boring stuff like SD cards, which seem to get lost constantly. And you can maximize your savings by stacking cash back on top of other deals, like more sales and coupons. It's super easy. It's free. You just need an email to sign up and you join for [e-mail] or download the Rakuten app to start saving money today. Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we

[A]

could trust him to care for our kids.

[B]

Kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[A]

Are you my dad now?

[B]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust. Define the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]. why have I asked my electrician I found on angie.com to bury my pet hamster Nibbles, in our yard for me? Because I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet Nibbles after his untimely end. Huh. Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace. Hey, sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff. Nibbles would have loved you like a brother. Connecting homeowners with skilled Pros for over 30 years, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail] I have to tell you something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had to go to. We lost somebody in the Drag Race cinematic universe. Gabe Lopez, who was a music producer for pretty much all the rusicals, all of Queen of the Universe, all the pop girls. Like, is it vibrant star of music on stage offstage. Passed away, like, a couple weeks ago.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And we did Queen of the Universe together. And we've all. All of us who've done Drag Race have done Drag Race with him, even though we might not have seen him producing the tracks. And I got to go to. He had a funeral, which was like, funeral, but try to keep it light. The tables had, like, kazoos and tambourines, and it was like, if somebody on stage telling a memory would start crying, everybody would start shaking. The. That's cute. They were like, let's. They were like, we need. If people start breaking down, we need support. So if anybody cries, just start clapping.

[A]

That's fierce.

[B]

So then when someone cried, we're all

[A]

just like, I wish they do the midsummer thing.

[B]

So I get the invite from Leland, and I go, okay, great. I'll just meet you there. Because Leland, you know, we'll go together, whatever. I'll meet you there. So I get there, right at 11, because you don't want to be late for someone's funeral, right? It says 11. I'm there at 11.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So I go in. I. I like, oh, they're still setting up. I'm sure it's like, you know, like, a lot to put together, right? It's family members setting up for a person they've lost. Like, I'm like, I'll just sit in the back and ask if I can help with anything. I Walk in, I, I, I meet some of his, his family, and I go, I'm so sorry for your loss. We got to work together on this show. Can I help you guys pass out? Anything? Can I help you set up chairs? Anything? And they go, no, you don't know. I go, okay. And I go sit down. Like, 10 minutes go by, and they're doing like, the lights. And there was like a. There were a lot of singers, so they're doing sound checks. Like, a lot of his friends are musicians. They want to perform for him, right? 10 minutes go by. I call Leland to go, what's up, girl? Where are you? He said, oh, are you calling from brunch? I said, yeah. What? And he goes, well, I figured you were at brunch. I said, yeah, what do you mean, brunch? They going to feed us. And he goes, oh, where are you? I said, I'm at the function. He goes, it's not till 1pm I'm over two hours early.

[A]

Just like, just auditing. Auditing the auditing.

[B]

Walking around going, hello. Y. Y. This chair is good. This is chair. I like all this. Yeah, still dead. The sound checks are happening. I feel like Simon Cowell. I'm like, crazy.

[A]

I thought we going to see the wrong feeling.

[B]

Funeral. No, it was, it was their funeral. And I was like, whatever. Being early and, you know, I guess whoever shows up earliest loved the person the most. I mean, like, and that's kind of a competition. And I was like, I get to. So then I go, leland, what do I do? He goes, just come here to his house. He goes, get here now. I go, okay. Oh, my God. So I go out the back entrance. I try to go out the back entrance because I don't want to expose that I'm here early on accident. I accidentally walk through the office of the facility. So then I'm definitely standing in an area I'm not supposed to stand. And then I try to go out a door. And right before I push the door, it says, fire alarm will sound. And I don't push it. Thank God, because now I've learned to start. Oh, by the way, I checked the invitation. It says one fierce. I read 11.

[A]

You put another one on there.

[B]

And that's. And this is on a show where I've made fun of Monet for not reading the invitation to that Halloween party. That and so stupid. So then I rushed to Leland's. I walk in, I'm like, oh, my God. He goes, you know, he goes, gabe would have loved that. I said, I know so then the theme of the day was, like, Gabe would have. Gabe would have loved that. Anything obnoxious or crazy that happened that day. And funerals are so, so odd. Yeah. Awkward.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sad.

[A]

It's strange. Strange, strange, strange.

[B]

Not. Not in a bad way, but almost like a dream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. The vibe is so.

[A]

Also, have you ever been to a funeral where, like, the family did not get along?

[B]

No.

[A]

Really crazy. Really crazy. A lot of crazy family dynamics. Speaking of funerals, I. So I've never owned a suit in my life.

[B]

Okay. We want to make more money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to buy a suit. I went to the mall to find Epstein in Parker. Yeah.

[A]

I went to the mall and I made an appointment with this in. This guy, like, basically, like, dressed me like Downton Abbey. Like Downton Abbey. Like Downton Abbey.

[B]

And you liked it. You go to suit supply.

[A]

I did. And I did.

[B]

Like, I did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Suit supply eats.

[A]

It does eat. It was cunty.

[B]

Good service, nice clothes.

[A]

The service was great. And it was like. I've never. I was so, like. I don't know how to put on any of that stuff, girl.

[B]

None.

[A]

I don't know how to put it on any of that stuff. Like cufflinks and, like.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? That's, like, crazy.

[B]

I feel so embarrassed. And nothing makes me feel less male than having to dress up. Male.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

It makes me feel like I'm.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[B]

A genderless blob.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. The missing link. I mean, I was like.

[B]

I feel like. I feel like I'm cross dressing.

[A]

I do, too. I felt like I was, like, in just one of the guys. I'm Joyce. He's like, no, yeah, she's got. He's got tits. But, like, the finished product was kind of cunty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got three suits.

[B]

Oh, you did?

[A]

I got a tuxedo for a formal thing. I've never worn a tuxedo in my life.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Cunty. Cunty.

[B]

Do you feel like a waiter? Do you feel fancy?

[A]

Well, that's what. That's the thing. So I was like. I didn't. I was like a. I like black, so I don't want to look like the mafia, and I don't want to look like I'm attending the function to work.

[B]

Oh, you know, do you get a bow tie?

[A]

I.

[B]

Or a normal tie?

[A]

No, I got a bow tie.

[B]

Oh, cool.

[A]

Yeah, I like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's kind of fierce fun.

[B]

It's. Now you're have to go to something, you know, you will get invited to Like a Grammy or something. And now if you don't want to go in drag, you have the perfect outfit.

[A]

I would. Yeah. But I would have to do something to it. Like, you know, like a fun flower, like, like a bloody nose. Or like, maybe like there's a hole in the butt. You can see my.

[B]

Like a shit stain?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What about, like a shit stain?

[A]

What do you think about white tie, white suits? Oh, my God.

[B]

I think it's fine. You better not do anything.

[A]

Well, that's. I went to fucking Land Noodle the other day with a white T shirt on.

[B]

Are you kidding me? Did you look. What? You look at your. So the.

[A]

The color of your lenses. That was the. That was the whole, like, color of my T shirt when I left. Just orange everywhere.

[B]

Soup splatter everywhere. You chew with your mouth open?

[A]

I chew with my mouth open and I eat with my hands. Yeah, no, but it was like, there's no elegant way to eat in a white T shirt at a noodle restaurant.

[B]

You. Next time you should go in a full noodle brown outfit with like, pre splatter. Ooh. Remember during COVID when everyone was doing tie dye?

[A]

Oh, no, I. I just remember the sourdough.

[B]

Sourdough was used, you know, much. I love sourdough. It's the only bread I buy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I got curious about how to make it, and so I started going down the tick tock rabbit hole, people proudly opening the jar of this living, nasty thing bubbling out.

[A]

No, ma'. Am.

[B]

And the caption, like, she was hungry today. I'm like, this is gonna eat you in your sleep. This is gonna kill you. Oh, yeasty, yeasty, yeasty, yeasty boys.

[A]

East boys. I. Oh, God, Mary, if there's more water damage in that place, I'm gonna kill myself.

[B]

My. I'll give you. What about you?

[A]

Any updates?

[B]

My studio not leaking.

[A]

Get out of here. Even with the shenanigans, the guest house

[B]

is still being fixed, but the studio, the building resealed. The roof? Yeah, over the summer. And it's sealed and it's not leaking. None of my areas leak. Love that. And then we've been having, like, extra air tests on everything just to make sure with all the rain and stuff, all the air is safe. Fierce. Because you know, when you do water damage remediation, they air test it to death before they seal anything because why would they fix all the walls? And then it's still an issue.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I have to do a lot of gardening because they want to make sure that the. What are they Called the gutters.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Run off the building and in a way where the water doesn't just pool next to the building. Yes, but you're in a townhouse.

[A]

I hate water.

[B]

Water's tough. I love water. I also hate her. Love to tour. I love to tour.

[A]

I love fresh water.

[B]

I love water, girl.

[A]

What about AI and water? Fresh water. Crazy. Crazy.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Everything's nuts. Like AI Centers drinking up all this fresh water.

[B]

So wild. It's so wild. Drink more water than you. Seriously, when do you have a bottle of water, Mary? I don't be hospitalized and they do it rectally.

[A]

No, I did have a. I did have a little water yesterday. A little bit. Little bit of water.

[B]

It's almost too sweet. Almost too rich.

[A]

It's almost a little too rich.

[B]

What about me showing up to a funeral two hours early and just talking to the close family members, giving notes,

[A]

maybe like so fierce.

[B]

I also like the, the number of steps it takes me to realize I was in the wrong place. Oh, I'm standing there being like, damn. I thought people like Gabe. Like, I don't like, I was like, where is it?

[A]

Wow, everybody's so late.

[B]

I thought, oh, do I not know something about funerals where you trickle in? Maybe I'm rude by showing up on time.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, of course. When it came to one, it started perfectly on time and I was there. I had come back. You.

[A]

Oh, you left.

[B]

I went to Leland's and came back fierce. Went to Leland's and came back.

[A]

Now is that what's the. There's a wake and then a funeral. Funeral is when they put you in the ground.

[B]

This was a funeral.

[A]

Funeral.

[B]

So we all shared pretty positive memories. And then we had like snacks and drinks and like dancing because Gabe is a musician. But anyway, shout out, Gabe. Thank you, Gabe, for all. If you've ever loved a musical if you've ever loved a drag race musical presentation, Gabe probably worked on it.

[A]

RIP Gabe, what's your funeral vibe?

[B]

I, I, is this, I hope this isn't a horrible trait, but maybe this happens to everybody. When I go to a funeral, I think about my own. Does everybody think about that?

[A]

Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to.

[B]

Yeah. So I kind of think, don't do anything.

[A]

Don't do anything.

[B]

I But I don't know, I think there's important catharsis. There's important, yeah.

[A]

It's not for you, it's for them.

[B]

There's important acceptance that occurs. I think a funeral helps something like that feel real. Sure. You know yeah. What do you want to do?

[A]

I think I want to do, like, an interactive, like, laser tag thing.

[B]

Like an escape.

[A]

Holograms. No, like, like.

[B]

Or.

[A]

Yeah, maybe like an escape. But like, like, like, how would you. How did you want her to die? And then. Then the hologram will, like, play out.

[B]

Will your body be there?

[A]

No holograms, though.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'll be in the casket, I guess. Well, it depends on how I die, but I. It would cost. It's gonna cost a hundred dollars. You'll have to pay.

[B]

The whole wedding? No, the whole funeral.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's also a wedding.

[A]

I think it's like. I think it'd be fierce to, like, charge a cover.

[B]

100 people, I think, who charge.

[A]

Couldn't people charge at their weddings now? You'd have to pay.

[B]

People charge at their weddings now.

[A]

They do.

[B]

Yeah. Some people do.

[A]

Look it up way.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Well, that hysterical girl from Vietnam, Jessica, was talking about the difference between American and Vietnamese weddings. And people show up. Here's a toaster. Your American wedding. And then to the Vietnamese wedding, here's $10,000 love. Like, what the. I don't want to toaster.

[B]

I know, I know that. I'm going to marry Vietnamese now. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, girl.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This girl. I. You know, I used to do bridal makeup. I know that's a huge joke to everyone, but. It's not a joke. But when I was 23, doing bridal makeup, that was my little side gig. I loved it. So I did probably my life.

[A]

How many lashes you put?

[B]

25. 30 weddings in my life.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Maybe five or maybe tennis. 10 a year for three years. So I guess maybe 30. That's good experience. Okay. And now I keep getting. I get a lot of makeup artists, tiktoks, people showing their kits, cleaning their. I love makeup artists, kids. Real makeup artists showing their kit. That's like my porn. And a lot of them are bridal makeup artists now, talking about, like, the bridal economy and how the images used in bridal advertisement, the images used in media about weddings are so above and beyond a million dollars that now when people want to get married, oh, they are in shock that they're down at the vfw, having, having a potluck because they think that it's going to be the Kim K, like, shot out of a canon experience. And it's. It's. It's a backyard.

[A]

It's a backyard.

[B]

So the makeup artists, now that I was watching, they're saying, we've lost touch with the fact That a, a wedding is a luxury item. And like, yeah, if you want a fancy wedding, it's a luxury, but you can have a zero dollar wedding anytime you want. Yeah, you go to the courthouse and so the makeup artist was talking about how more and more people are eloping because they would rather put the money toward a house or a baby or whatever. Carrie.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

And I love a wedding. Sure, but you're also allowed to be like, we're just gonna do nothing. It doesn't seem like a good amount of way to use money. No, but I love a wedding.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I get it, I get it. I mean, especially if you're a straight couple and you're not like rolling in dough. I mean, the house, Mary, the house.

[B]

The land, honey, the land.

[A]

While you were at the courthouse, I was in Brooklyn struggling.

[B]

While you are in high school, I am in Brooklyn struggling to survive in this economy.

[A]

What is the, what is a rate when. What's too much to spend on a wedding?

[B]

It depends who you are and where you live. Okay. For example, my mother got married in, in Middle Inlet, Wisconsin, at the City Hall Town hall, which I think was probably free. And it was a potluck, so there was no food. Fierce. I think the DJ was the major expense.

[A]

$5, $10.

[B]

I'm. I was like eight at the time. So I wasn't back there crunching the numbers, but I'm just remembering.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

In the 90s, it can't have cost more than a few thousand dollars. Probably.

[A]

No. Probably a few hundred.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I think at this point, eloping is beautiful. Spending as little as possible is beautiful.

[A]

If you have.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you got money to burn.

[B]

And not even getting legally married is beautiful.

[A]

Curtain. Goldie.

[B]

My brother, it's an attorney, he was like, brian, I do weddings, I do divorces. You don't. Like, people don't have to get married. No. Have the party if you want.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But like, divorces are so expensive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, what do you like?

[A]

That is so. What about, what about acrimonious divorces and trying to get rich through a divorce? What do you think about that?

[B]

Weird.

[A]

It's weird.

[B]

Weird.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I feel like, I think no matter how much you're together, it's good to have separate banks and everything.

[A]

A hundred percent. Don't merge your assets.

[B]

But I do believe in like, if you're in a five year plus relationship, you're really serious. I do believe in like a, an account that Both of you, access that's separate. Where you can both have like house, money, money, whatever. But I come from a long line of no one having anything to take from anyone because we all just have debt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So all of that is very foreign to me.

[A]

Yeah. I, Yeah, I don't think it doesn't make any sense.

[B]

Doesn't make sense.

[A]

It doesn't make any sense. Like, my money is my money, your money's your money.

[B]

But of course, wills are important.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because I always think about this. What if I got hit by a truck tomorrow, today, my mom's house is in my name. What if Wisconsin or whatever was like, oh, technically it's not your name. You have to move out. Like, I always think about that. Don't kill my. Don't kill me.

[A]

Please don't kill him today. Yeah, that's crazy. I, and you, you said before that on my phone, on the notes app is. It doesn't count.

[B]

I mean, I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a lawyer, but I've, I don't think it counts. I think big lawyer, the industry would tell you it doesn't count.

[A]

You know? Have you ever had an asset recovery? Have you ever had like a, like a, I can't, I can't tell if this thing is like fucking like a scam or what. Asset recovery. I have the funds, like somewhere that they're gonna help me get. That sounds like a scam, right?

[B]

Oh, I know what you're talking about. You do? So let's say you, world of wonder.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Let's say they tried to pay you, but you moved addresses.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And they could not reach you and they still owe you money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A third party company might say, hey, for a flat rate, we will help get you this.

[A]

But I.

[B]

One time to get $1,000 check from someone had to pay this other company like 200 bucks to get.

[A]

Yeah, it's 20.

[B]

So I don't think it's a scam because I did get money.

[A]

Okay, you did.

[B]

But I would google them.

[A]

Yeah, no, I, I, I did. I think it's, it's just so weird.

[B]

It's so weird.

[A]

I mean, I'm. How many checks am I like, tied up in like other mailboxes?

[B]

Oh, mailboxes, etc, etc. Well, should we. Well, now that we have the new thing where we end the episode listening to the fans.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Let's. Let's visit a few lovely comments.

[B]

Would you guys prefer the term fans? I don't know, fans or friends of

[A]

the pod Friends of the pod. Listeners.

[B]

Listeners.

[A]

You got any good?

[B]

Oh, damn. Oh, yeah. Tracy got a microphone. She said that's where it stops.

[A]

Getting on an airplane sick is the worst.

[B]

Yeah, it's the worst. It's pretty bad. Where are you going?

[A]

To Washington, D.C. for a job. Yeah.

[B]

What do you do?

[A]

Not until Monday.

[B]

So hopefully they'll just like, what kind of gig is it?

[A]

It's a speaking engagement at a college.

[B]

What are you going to talk about?

[A]

They're going to talk to me.

[B]

Are you gonna get in drags?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a moderated Q A. I've done

[B]

a lot of those. And they always say, like, you don't have to get in drag.

[A]

I'm like, what are you talking about?

[B]

I'm like, you guys are paying me to do nothing.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

I will get in drag. I'm gonna get the very least I can do.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that.

[B]

You know what, though? I think you're gonna do a good job. I wasn't gonna.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

I wasn't sure what I was gonna talk about when I was at University of Wisconsin, Madison, and I locked in, and I was just like, wait a minute, they're in college. I've gone to college.

[A]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

What if I have wisdom here? Hello.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you'd have to. You have to shut me up at those things. I love it.

[B]

What are you gonna tell them? Like, if college kids were listening, what would you say?

[A]

I mean, well, it depends on what they're going to college for.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, it also depends on. I haven't. If, like, if you're at. If speaking at a private university, you can't necessarily. There are certain, like, avenues. You can't necessarily go down. Like, drop out.

[B]

No. When I speak at private universities, I always start with, like, so all of you have rich parents?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

How many of you have Republican parents? I like, you know, but I think you should go person to person, have them say their major, and then decide if they should drop out or stay. Perfect, right? And then.

[A]

Yeah, and then it'll, like.

[B]

If it's like, nursing. Stay, Stay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

English literature, LGBT studies, you know? Exactly.

[A]

Oh, man, I love to talk to the college people.

[B]

I do, too. Can I tell you, though? What? They're very young, honey, you worry. You are children. Feel.

[A]

Children of the corn. Like children of the corner.

[B]

Feel like you're at a kindergarten.

[A]

I know. I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get up my. Look Sitting on a stool, reading. Like, you know, show the picture and then read from the book.

[B]

It's crazy because I've been doing college gigs since I was, like, 25.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I used to be like, you guys are just a year or two behind. I'm one of you. And now it's like, did you need a chair for us to roll you onto stage in? Like, it's like. It's really that. It's.

[A]

It's terrifying. They are 18 years old, and 18 is really 14.

[B]

And also, they have 16 to 18 people designated to serve you in any way. It is like the entire student body as handmaidens outside the door. Crazy. Like, they don't just. If your writer says a bottle of water, there's 10 different bottles of water of different brands.

[A]

It's fierce.

[B]

And they're all the happier there and terrified. Yeah. Yeah. Like, the fear is in their eyes.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

And just, you know, be really nice.

[A]

No, I'm not gonna be horrible. I'm a horrible monster. Come on.

[B]

Okay, we have some comments from the people. Love. Five stars. You two are brilliant. Thank you for the joy. Xo. This is from Sandwich. Slut. Do you think they're from Sandwich, Massachusetts?

[A]

Could be.

[B]

Is this the slut of Sandwich, Massachusetts? Is this These? Wait, these? Oh, my God. I went to Sandwich. Okay.

[A]

Did you. Would you like it?

[B]

I drove through it on the way to P town once.

[A]

Fears.

[B]

Yeah, the capes. There was a water wheel. A water wheel, like, on a river? Like.

[A]

Oh, like, like, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The girls make my day ten times better. Depression buster.

[B]

Oh, so that fan. Did you guys see that?

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Mama said the girls make my. Make my day 10 times better. Thanks for making me uncontrollably laugh for an unhealthy time. Well, thank you very much. You're welcome.

[B]

I think laughter's healthy.

[A]

Laughter's healthy. Nature's medicine. And then listen with sad and no longer sad vibes in Seoul.

[B]

Have we talked to him today? What if they got sad the next day? You know, Seems like they were on the edge.

[A]

What about.

[B]

Wait. Oh, God.

[A]

I wanted to say something. I can't remember.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

I think there's two more.

[B]

There is more.

[A]

I'll go for it.

[B]

Flip my wig. Five stars. Madeline Glory. Porn name.

[A]

Porn name.

[B]

This pod truly has me cackling.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Okay, this is.

[A]

What did your friends say the other day? That I don't. I have no respect for the medium,

[B]

even though I'm a comedian. And a podcaster. I have no respect for the medium.

[A]

Oh, God, I love that.

[B]

So much love that. Better than all the rest. Five stars. I would buy a shirt with Scar Glow on it. What's Scar Glow? I don't know. Did we say that?

[A]

I know. Probably Pam Bondi.

[B]

Love you, too. So much heart love. Five stars. The best part of my week now this baby. You need to up your life. Quality.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We should be the low point. Dream bigger for Maggie W. I aspire that we are the low point of your week. The Nader, the Dredge, the Slog.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Here's some more. Okay.

[A]

Hi, Pig. Now, that's my kind of comment. This. That's from Frederica.

[B]

How come they're only talking to you? I know. Why won't they talk to me? Does it say, hi, pig and Steed? Perfect. Perfect.

[A]

Girls, genuinely thank you to.

[B]

What?

[A]

Genuinely thank you to them for lighting up my life. That's nice. Yeah. Well, thank you all so much for thanking us. And I guess we'll see you in the next one. Yeah.

[B]

Honestly, we don't deserve you. And you don't deserve us. In different ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Goodbye. Goodbye,

[A]

Ram.