The Queen Mary's Evacuee Jerk Game with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Summary of "The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya"
Episode: "The Queen Mary's Evacuee Jerk Game with Trixie and Katya"
Release Date: January 21, 2025

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1. Introduction and Initial Banter

The episode kicks off with Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova engaging in their signature playful banter. Trixie jokes about her father's career in B2B marketing, leading into a humorous exchange about being misunderstood by friends regarding business terminology.

Notable Quote:
Katya: "He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend."
Timestamp: [00:02]

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2. Critique of "Emilia Perez"

A significant portion of the episode centers around Trixie and Katya's critical review of the film "Emilia Perez." They express their disappointment in the movie, highlighting its lackluster execution despite a promising ensemble cast. The duo delves into specific aspects such as the film's musical numbers, characters, and overall plot, labeling it as a "spectacularly bad" production.

Notable Quotes:
Katya: "I watched it on Christmas. I know we've already talked about this. Watched it on Christmas. I could not believe how spectacularly bad it was."
Timestamp: [04:05]

Trixie: "I also love in that song gossip folks. She has this lyric about like, you know, people trying to talk about her and she says, step to me, get burnt like toast."
Timestamp: [01:30]

The hosts lament the film winning awards despite their negative perception, suggesting a disconnect between critical acclaim and audience reception.

Notable Quote:
Katya: "Art is subjective. That's my opinion. I've made shitty art."
Timestamp: [54:44]

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3. Personal Anecdotes and Real Estate Woes

Trixie and Katya share personal stories, including Trixie's recent challenges with property taxes leading to her condo being in foreclosure. Katya discusses her own struggles with real estate decisions, emphasizing their tendency to make "shitty real estate decisions."

Notable Quote:
Trixie: "I've only seen one David Lynch item. It was Eraserhead. I watched it in college. My roommate showed it to me freshman year, first week I. The movie ended and I said, okay, we are different people."
Timestamp: [03:07]

Katya: "I've made every single bad decision you can possibly make, right? So that's what I'm doing. That's my track, that's what I'm up to."
Timestamp: [29:24]

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4. DMV Experiences and Driver’s License Challenges

The conversation shifts to their tumultuous experiences with the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). Trixie narrates her ordeal attempting to renew her Wisconsin driver's license, facing bureaucratic hurdles and the irony of needing insurance to retake the driving test.

Notable Quote:
Trixie: "If I had known what I know now, I would have put on that little piece."
Timestamp: [46:20]

Katya: "You fat, ugly, bald."
Timestamp: [45:54]

Their humorous yet frustrating recounting highlights systemic inefficiencies and personal setbacks in navigating governmental processes.

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5. Interactions with Cynthia Revo

Trixie recounts an interaction with Cynthia Revo at an awards event, where miscommunication leads to an awkward exchange. This anecdote underscores the pressures of fame and networking within the entertainment industry.

Notable Quote:
Trixie: "I was like, are you black Accident Weird woman. But I meant like, congrats on your success."
Timestamp: [13:32]

Katya: "Under the table. It up my ass. No, no, no."
Timestamp: [28:08]

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6. Reflections on Transformation and Body Image

Later in the episode, Trixie and Katya explore themes of transformation, body image, and societal expectations. They discuss the pressures faced by queer individuals in conforming to certain physical standards and the internal conflicts that arise from these societal norms.

Notable Quotes:
Trixie: "I have unrealistic standards for my own body that I don't even apply to other men."
Timestamp: [48:22]

Katya: "I have to rent blocks. It up my ass."
Timestamp: [28:10]

They candidly address their insecurities and the journey towards self-acceptance, intertwining personal experiences with broader social commentary.

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7. Concluding Thoughts and Final Banter

As the episode draws to a close, Trixie and Katya continue their lighthearted back-and-forth, touching upon topics like post office frustrations and the absurdities of everyday life amidst larger societal issues such as fires and housing crises. Their dynamic interplay provides both humor and a sense of camaraderie, leaving listeners entertained and connected.

Notable Quote:
Katya: "It was a ship. It's supposedly haunted. And this. And this is the real kicker."
Timestamp: [22:15]

Trixie: "What the does that mean A. Of course it is. You're in Wicked."
Timestamp: [13:32]

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Conclusion

In this episode, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova adeptly blend humor with candid discussions on personal and societal issues. From dissecting poorly received films to navigating the complexities of real estate and governmental institutions, they offer listeners a multifaceted glimpse into their lives. Their ability to intertwine personal anecdotes with sharp social critiques makes "The Queen Mary's Evacuee Jerk Game" a compelling addition to their podcast repertoire.

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Note: Advertisements, intros, and outros have been excluded from this summary to focus solely on the core content and discussions of the episode.

Transcript

[Trixie Mattel]

My dad works in B2B marketing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be to be.

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We rolling.

[Trixie Mattel]

They see me rolling. They hate it. Do people know that song still?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I hope so.

[Trixie Mattel]

Riding dirty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Riding dirty. Well, did they know about when I. Excuse me. Peanut gallery.

[Trixie Mattel]

Penis gallery.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, when I take my thong off my ass goes boop.

[Trixie Mattel]

Turn the lights down so you can see what I could do.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Cut the lights on.

[Trixie Mattel]

Cut the lights on. She is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I love that. I love that expression. Cut the lights on.

[Trixie Mattel]

She's cunty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

I also love in that song gossip folks. She has this lyric about like, you know, people trying to talk about her and she says, step to me, get burnt like toast. Oh, you can smell it. Love, love pink.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Love, love pink.

[Trixie Mattel]

Isn't it crazy that Thorgy has been revitalized from the ground? I'm just kidding.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Just her corpse has been exhumed.

[Trixie Mattel]

I came back from break and everyone was like, love pink. And I was like, are what? I was like, same. I mean like we all. No, no, no, no. You know, we al. We also revitalized. Pink now is selling those giant rubber bands Pink had. Oh yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, she's what?

[Trixie Mattel]

She's selling those giant rubber bands to fling yourself around like Flirty girl fitness. Swear to God.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like trx.

[Trixie Mattel]

I'm kidding.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do try this at home.

[Trixie Mattel]

Could you imagine? Local woman hung herself on accident from Giant. A giant pink rubber.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Local woman crashes into barbecue on Memorial Day, two towns over.

[Trixie Mattel]

The next time we do Trixie and Katya live. We have to do a pink section where we have one of a fake section.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Flung the whole show. It's called love.

[Trixie Mattel]

Pink.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Love, comma, pink.

[Trixie Mattel]

Love, Pink.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, wait, we got a pour right now for the homie.

[Trixie Mattel]

What happened?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

David lynch died. Yeah. David Lynch. O'Tour filmmaker, ahead of his time. Once in a lifetime. Or once. I would say once in a century. Talent.

[Trixie Mattel]

Damn. Yeah, I've only seen. I only seen one David lynch item.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's okay.

[Trixie Mattel]

It was Eraserhead. Is that right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

With chubby cheeks.

[Trixie Mattel]

I watched it in college. My roommate showed it to me freshman year, first week I. The movie ended and I said, okay, we are different people.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay? No, no. So. So don't know what I. Eraserhead is a famously weird movie. However, it's actually good. Like, I. I know about movies, okay? I've seen the good ones, I've seen the bad ones, I've seen the weird ones. I've seen the regular ones.

[Trixie Mattel]

But have you seen Emilia Perez? You know what's gonna. This is the problem.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The Grinch who stole my Christmas.

[Trixie Mattel]

Can I say, before we rip into Emilia Perez, I just wanna say the problem is you and I have gotten so accidentally famous that now when we talk about shit, something in the universe, we will run into those people. So if we shit on anybody in this movie or the plot of it or anything, if we shit on that wig, the wig person will show up next week at a gay bar and be like, you talked about me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Let me tell you who I'm gonna shit on. I'm. I. I will say this about Emilia Perez, which I have watched twice against my will at this point. I watched it on Christmas. I know we've already talked about this. Watched it on Christmas. I could not believe how spectacularly bad it was. Not bad in a showgirls kind of campy bad way bad in a boring, bad way.

[Trixie Mattel]

Very boring.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Very, very boring. Zoe, Saldana. Carla, the. I forget her name. The trans actress. The. They are all talented actors. Yes, they are. Of course they are. This movie is the biggest stinker in recent memory.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Why is it a musical? We don't know.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, didn't. She said it beat tunes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She has none.

[Trixie Mattel]

It beat Wicked for a Golden Globe for best musical.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Now, I did not see Wicked.

[Trixie Mattel]

I didn't see Wicked.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's not my cup of tea. I would rather watch Wicked every day for the rest of my life than have to talk to Ms. Amelia Perez again. Girl, it is so bad. I made you. I made you watch the Cliffs Notes last night.

[Trixie Mattel]

What I want is to sit with. Hi. Cynthia. Cynthia Revo. I want her to sit in a room and watch Emilia Perez for the Golden Globe she didn't get and be.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like, oh, yeah, because those claws are going to grow and they're going to scratch.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, they're not French.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Man's that French. Oh, God. Jacques Odard. Here's the. Here's the really distressing part. This is a project that is loaded with talent. Selena Gomez, Carlos. Sophia. I forget what her name is. Sorry. Zoe Saldana, the. The choreographer. Damien acclaimed modern, incredible.

[Trixie Mattel]

But what happened?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What happened? Something happened on the way to the laundromat.

[Trixie Mattel]

We need to talk about Kevin and all those. We need to talk about Amelia.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It really you?

[Trixie Mattel]

Kati came to my house last night. Well, Andrew text and said, hey, Kati wants me to watch this movie and I know she wants you to watch it. So should I just come to your house? We can get over with. I said, sure. So came with. And she laid on my couch like this and watched the movie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. And I listen.

[Trixie Mattel]

I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We. I sat. Me and three other people on Christmas Day. Sat through all two hours and change of this movie. We ended up doing dishes by the end because it was just too much. But it was. I gave them the Cliffs Notes last night. The only camp moment was of course, the Bangkok sex change musical.

[Trixie Mattel]

That's actually a musical.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Vaginal plastic.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Very nice to meet you. I wondered about sex change operation. From man to woman. A woman to man. Man to woman, from penis to vagina.

[Trixie Mattel]

Would you like a phalloplasty? Yes. Would you like mammoplasty? Yes. That was so crazy. So crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

But in. In bizarrely, that didn't continue. As soon as you were like on board with that ridiculousness, it was over and back to boring.

[Trixie Mattel]

I know. I'm trying to find a clip of it on YouTube. Oh, here it is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

So they're in Bangkok.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Hello. Very nice to meet you. I'd like to know about sex separation. I see.

[Trixie Mattel]

I see. I see. Men to woman or woman to men?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Man to woman.

[Trixie Mattel]

From penis to vagina.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Is it for you? Is it for you?

[Trixie Mattel]

For me? What would you like to know about it, Ma?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I want to know it all. What is the protocol, the techniques and the risks?

[Trixie Mattel]

Second of the patience.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How much time do you need? The casting call was music.

[Trixie Mattel]

Can you sing? And then she's like, what is that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That I want to see Cynthia Arivo watch that clip as it wins best awesome. Like an Oscar for best whatever. I want to see her face in those claws.

[Trixie Mattel]

Now we're not laughing, by the way. We're not laughing at the idea of sexual gender confirmation surgery. Of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Culturally. And my gripes with this movie have nothing to do with Mexico with trans identities.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, none of that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm interested in this movie as a flop. As a complete and utter fucking flop.

[Trixie Mattel]

And listen, I come from the drag queen school of singing, right? It's negotiable. Ain't nobody quite singers.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, they have.

[Trixie Mattel]

I may not be a singer. Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I may not be an actor, choreographer.

[Trixie Mattel]

But I'm still Amelia Perez.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They said you're going to whisper off key. That's what they. That was the direction y'all gonna.

[Trixie Mattel]

All the songs are like. You know, usually when you leave a musical you go like. Like you leave Wicked being like squished. Yeah. Something or Good Morning Baltimore. Just like hushed, growly.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's the music.

[Trixie Mattel]

That was a word for word recreation of the film. I couldn't believe it. And I thought you were kind of being funny because sometimes you get really anti shit and I think you maybe you get overboard whipped up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, totally. But this is justified in my opinion.

[Trixie Mattel]

Have you googled the reviews? There's a lot of positive reviews, sweetie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was online trolling. I was trolling today because me trying.

[Trixie Mattel]

To hack into the letterbox that. Me trying to hack into Rotten Tomatoes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I think it was Variety or Dead. There's some news outlet said Amelia Perez is bad. Why is it winning so many awards? And I was like, that's right. Boop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Because everybody in the comments was like, actually, it's amazing. I was like, oh, Macy and Theta have. They are so funny in their discussion. Of course they.

[Trixie Mattel]

Oh, they don't, they don't like it either. Okay, then I feel good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, I mean, the way that they.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, they're more reliable narrators, maybe the subject matter than we are. You know what I mean?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I mean the. The way that they talk. I mean, it is so funny. Their descriptions. I mean, they're like, this is a movie made by a man who discovered trans last week.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right. And I'm not saying that they're qualified because they're trans. I'm saying because they were in the Mexican cartel, Right? Of course.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

High ranking cartel members who faked their own deaths and then became trans.

[Trixie Mattel]

I want to be in the room. I want to watch it with them and Cynthia. Yes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, the thing is, on paper, I was so excited to see this movie. I was so excited to see on paper. I was like, what? It sounds outrageous. Ridiculous. Too. Too wild to be true. And then you realize that the most outrageous, the most insane plot turned out boring.

[Trixie Mattel]

Very boring.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Very boring. Like a rat search around for some entertainment.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah. And then the. To me, the ending where they spoiler most of the main characters die. And so that's good. And it had a French novel vibe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was. But also like, it was this like overwrought, drawn out shootout scene.

[Trixie Mattel]

And like, no one gets shot.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Nobody gets shot. And then they end up in a car, which. With she's in the trunk and then she's misgendered and then they fall off a cliff and then boom. And then that's that horrible parade that was filmed by like a BBC intern at the end. It was like, what? There was no artistry to this movie. It was rotten.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's tough.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And on David Lynch's death day.

[Trixie Mattel]

I know. Well, he saw the movie and was like, it's over.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

He's like, it's a wrap, right? No, I. Yeah, it's. I mean, it's truly, breathtakingly horrible. And I'm not a huge fan of musicals, but. But I would rather see Wicked. I'd rather play Wicked every minute of the rest of my life.

[Trixie Mattel]

I had no, like, major aversion to seeing Wicked. I just was kind of. It'll happen when it happens.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

And then I did see it and I said, wow, it really was wonderful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. I just. Music musicals to me are skew corny, so. But this was something else.

[Trixie Mattel]

Did I tell you what I said to Cynthia Revo? Did I already tell her this?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You. You talked to Cynthia Rivo?

[Trixie Mattel]

Did I tell you this already? Okay, yes, I. I was at the out 100 awards because I was named business Mogul of the year and Cynthia was there being honored for, you know, inventing the year pretty much at this point. Right. Being just the. The gay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

Statue of Liberty of the year for sure. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna. I think I did tell you this.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh. But I forgot.

[Trixie Mattel]

That doesn't sound like me, but I.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Forgot about it, obviously.

[Trixie Mattel]

Okay, so the woman, I think. Okay, so the woman again, the. The woman who is the reporter. Been holding space. Did I tell you about this?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She rode that till the wheels fell off.

[Trixie Mattel]

Okay. So she was there and she and I were waiting to get in the dressing room and they were not sure about her credential or my credential. And I said to the security guard, I said, you better hurry up she's in queer media.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's funny.

[Trixie Mattel]

And the woman goes, hi, Trixie. I was like, hello.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Did she.

[Trixie Mattel]

I forgot her name. Can you look up her name? That's horrible.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's. It's Barbara. Barbara is.

[Trixie Mattel]

It is Tracy, isn't it? It's Gilchrist, isn't it? Okay, yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Tracy.

[Trixie Mattel]

Gil Christ. Hi, Tracy. She was in this white suit. She looked great. And so we both get in there and then Cynthia is in there and I'm waiting to DJ because I also DJing at the event. I'm catering. I'm doing it. All right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're taking blood stamp.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, I was like, if I'm going to be, you know, honored as the business mogul, I'm going to find a way to make money at this event. Right? So I go up to her and I go. I didn't know what to say to Cynthia. And she came up to me and I was nice. Yes. And so I was scared to say hi, but she said hi to me first, which is helpful. She. She's not like you. She made that very clear. Just kidding.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's like. She said, I'm not a white devil tweaker. No, but.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, but what? Guess what I fudgeing said to her. Well, first of all, she is the bald and the beautiful, right? She should be here, not us.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's like I panicked and I guess what I fucking said to her, I panicked and I go, it's gonna be a great year. What the does that mean A. Of course it is. You're in Wicked.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She already had a great.

[Trixie Mattel]

This is not about to be a great year in many ways.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right?

[Trixie Mattel]

So I was like, are you black Accident Weird woman. But I meant like, congrats on your success.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Trixie Mattel]

But I was trying to say it not that way. Well, instead I said, it's gonna be a great year. And I don't know what she said because I blacked out. And then all night I was DJing, like, it's gonna be a great.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Under her breath. She was like, yeah, for Amelia Perez, girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

Oh, it was. She was. She looked excellent. It was great. But it was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's wild.

[Trixie Mattel]

Anyway, you should see Wicked. It really was amazing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

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Food if you want like a big.

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[Trixie Mattel]

It was delicious.

[Marley Spoon Ad]

It tasted like. It was like a creamy kind of ravioli situation with little pieces of vegetable in it with a little bit of cheese on it. It was delicious. This new year fast tracked your way to eating well with Marley spoon. Head to marleyspoon.com offer bald and use the code bald for up to 27 free meals. That's right. Up to 27 free meals with Marley Spoon.

[Trixie Mattel]

One more time.

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Andrew Yang is completely obsessed with me watching Baby Girl, and I obstinately refuse to go to the theater to watch it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Can I ask? It's erotic thriller with Nicole Kidman. Why won't you. You've seen much worse shit in the theater. You saw terrifier, like, 12 times, sweetie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The terrifyer three. Slapped. Okay? The Slapped. This one is. This is a. This is a. This is a home watch. I don't want to watch.

[Trixie Mattel]

Because you want to be able to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yank it to jerk.

[Trixie Mattel]

You want to be sitting home in the wig.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I want my unit on my bikini, my string bikini, my American flag panties. I want to. I want to flick it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Wait, we did a podcast episode where we. We were fleeing Los Angeles. You guys, I got. Give my phone. This is really an audio podcast, which I guess they all are. Yes. But let me show you guys. We're fleeing Los Angeles. This is listening to her nasty Russian tweaker music in the car. But this song was the craziest song to flee LA to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, is that the Hashi. It's Anaku, the Ukrainian one. Yeah. Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

So imagine we're trying to leave Los Angeles in a hurry.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's very tiptoe.

[Trixie Mattel]

Honestly. This is what Amelia Perez should have did.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like, that's what Amelia Perez tried to do. Get. Get the beat drop.

[Trixie Mattel]

This is when you're trans and escaping the cartel.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Get the beat.

[Trixie Mattel]

The beat. Imagine her driving while people are fleeing with dogs.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

And masks.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I got wigs and teeth, shoes in the back, girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

We got the wigs and the te. And when I'm trying to use my iPhone to record a pod while you're jumping over medians.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And two bags that. Two bags of blue chips gone. Salsa gone up on the Queen Mary ate that up.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, we. We recorded getting to the Queen Mary, but we didn't tell people about staying on it. Yeah, I'm drooling. I get really excited. So I. I just thought it was funny that, like, a week before this, the fires. People we know and work with were like, I'm just gonna, you know, get out of the country for a few weeks because of the wind. And I remember, like, okay, crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like when. It's like when it rains, people have.

[Trixie Mattel]

Anxiety attacks in la. Are you kidding me?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Half inch of rain call out of work, 100%. Taking a sabbatical. So.

[Trixie Mattel]

But then of course, you and I are fleeing the city because. So we stay on the Queen Mary, you guys. And we get there and it's a dead ass ship.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's a ship. It's supposedly haunted. And this. And this is the. This is the real kicker. So I currently hate my house, okay? And because one of the reasons is super thin walls, crepe paper walls, condo. And my neighbors and I, we know exactly what we're doing at every time of the day because we can hear each other like that. Really? Yeah, it sucks. So when we went. When we fled to the Queen Mary, I was like, please God, burn this condo down and let me get a couple nights on this ghost ship all to myself. Privacy. So I can jerk it, jerk it. Have no. Have nobody hear me?

[Trixie Mattel]

How much noise are you making?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I'm like, Nicole Kim. And baby girl, she. She does. She does that apparently. But what is the first thing that. That the.

[Trixie Mattel]

She says? Fur babies.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No. Yeah, okay, you guys, she says, fur babies. You got any fur babies? I was like, excuse, what now, girl?

[Trixie Mattel]

I'm in line behind her at the desk. And of course she has to check in first because I gotta go jerky. If she can't get to her hotel room to lay in bed and eat chips and touch herself, we're all going down, right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Tea?

[Trixie Mattel]

Tea. So I'm behind her at the counter, and the girl at the counter has a huge bow in her hair, which I approve of. An eccentric bow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Beautiful makeup. She had cool lashes.

[Trixie Mattel]

She had cool makeup on. So I thought, you know what? She's gonna recognize us. We're gonna blow her mind. She's gonna give us the presidential suite.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Nothing.

[Trixie Mattel]

Nothing. We are nothing. She goes home to nothing and no nothing. So she goes, do you guys have any fur b Me? I would have gone, oh. Internally, I would go, I hate that word. But I'm not trying to interact. So no. She goes, what? I was like, and the ladies are.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

My children are hairless.

[Trixie Mattel]

And she goes, babies of fur. Like, you were like. You made her explain fur babies. And I was like.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I felt like that was justified. I was like, my children are hairless. They get waxed every month.

[Trixie Mattel]

But it was people fleeing la, so people had, you know, Springer Spaniels and baby Bjorns.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, Mary, I thought it was a dog show on the Queen Mary. Girl. I thought. No, I thought Queen Harry. Queen Harry Kettle Cor. I really did. I was like, why does every single person have one or two dogs or.

[Trixie Mattel]

Two more dogs than people? It was Noah's Ark.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Noah. Seriously was though. We're not exaggerating. And the second thing that bitch says to me, that lovely girl, excuse me.

[Trixie Mattel]

Says to me, she was lovely.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She said, just so you know, the rooms are extremely thin walled.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, no, no.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So you can, you can hear what your neighbor is doing. I was like, perfect.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Love that.

[Trixie Mattel]

She also goes, so you're staying on. Not just a hotel. It's a little more like a museum. Which means you can't really control the air conditioning or the heat.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I said for perfect.

[Trixie Mattel]

What. What museum are you going to? What, like Salem Witch Hut museum that has no air conditioning heat?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Listen, there's a mannequin in every room with an alcoholic nose.

[Trixie Mattel]

And you know, I think you probably had my room. It was a huge room. It was like an apartment. Two bathrooms and a living room.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was like a. Yeah, it was a. It was a beautiful accommodation. Honestly, it was. Yeah. Except the people who were on each side of me. Mama. We were in the same room.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah. And there was kids.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was like, hi, Alice. Hey, Cameron.

[Trixie Mattel]

There was kids next door to mine. And I kept walking by the thin wall and going, sounds like they got kids next door. Just so like, hopefully they would come.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Here like on the fritz. Straight couple on the fritz.

[Trixie Mattel]

I feel like you just don't. Phoebe. Shut up, Becky.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How do you think that affected my jerk game? Not well.

[Trixie Mattel]

Let's take a break. Let's take a break. I also thought it was funny on this machine, this hut. I thought the plane, the plane, the boat had good Wi Fi did it. And you know at hotels you got to put in your Social Security number.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I hate all that.

[Trixie Mattel]

And somebody else makes our reservations for hotels. So we don't know what last name the room is under. Sometimes it's under Mattel. Who knows?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

And it was just straight out, just public. Wi Fi. You connected to. I was like, love that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. It's that boat. That boat. That boat, boat. Internet.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, these hotels, these hotels put their Internet behind such crazy security. Who's stealing all the hotel Internet?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know. Do. When you check into a hotel, do you get the super crazy fast, premium, super expensive three day bonanza Internet?

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, I just think it's funny that at normal hotels it's not more money, but at fancy hotels it's fucking $15 a day.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Honey, sweetie, the Four Seasons kind of cost you 80 bucks a day to get online for 80 bucks a day.

[Trixie Mattel]

To load one one pixel at a time.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Croissant for breakfast. That's $75. 75$20 room charge.

[Trixie Mattel]

You love the Four Seasons. I think it's funny that everybody probably thinks that I'm this princess and the pea. Trixie so rich. Trixie so bougie. If it was up to me, I'd be at the fucking Best Western. Non on a bag of nachos. Well, but Ms. Boo Boo over here.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She'S got a change.

[Trixie Mattel]

Fancy cars, swimming pools, Movie stars. Four season room service. Massages, Hookers, Girl cocaine. I'm so sick of it being misrepresented. I may be rich, but I'm cheap.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Give me. Let me. You know what? I'm going to change my tune real quick now because you like it. Because I don't. I don't care about the Four Seasons. I don't care about the Ritz. Carl, Give me cement walls and soundproofing and I will live in a roach motel.

[Trixie Mattel]

Padded room. Sounds great, mama. Mattresses at every turn.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Why am I googling how to soundproof my. My, My closets? Why am I Googling that? How do. Why am I googling how to turn my bedroom into a recording studio where I record nothing? Why am I have a realtor getting me ready to move? Boop.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, somebody, you know, with the fires and everything, my realtor reached out, our realtor and said, you know, people need housing right now. If you really want.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's. It's.

[Trixie Mattel]

They told me if I want to stay in Milwaukee for a while, they're like, you could rent your house to people who need a house.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Gouge them. Those poor victims.

[Trixie Mattel]

I was going to say not donate. It would be renting the home.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Gouging victims.

[Trixie Mattel]

They shut up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Taking. Taking advantage of people who have lost everything.

[Trixie Mattel]

Fine, you can come into my house, but you have to sleep in the bed with me.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You just have to.

[Trixie Mattel]

In the morning, you have to take that margin and rub it on my legs.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, there's no rent. It's just me.

[Trixie Mattel]

There's no rent. It's all under the table or on the table, however you want.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Under the table. It up my ass. No, no, no.

[Trixie Mattel]

So horny type stuff.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Listen.

[Trixie Mattel]

Horny type stuff.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Listen. What's not horned? Let me tell you what's not horned.

[Trixie Mattel]

Are you horned?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Not really. Let me tell you why. Because. Because of the intimate, the intimacy that these strangers and I have at the home. Yeah. And I. For, you know, for about three minutes, I lived downtown and I had cement walls. Great for a tweaker because you can scream all day and nobody hears you, but.

[Trixie Mattel]

And it reverberates. It feels like someone's there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like. It was literally like a padded. It was. You couldn't hear shit. Cement walls. Loft. You know what I mean?

[Trixie Mattel]

I remember. Yeah, I was there.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know.

[Trixie Mattel]

I stopped by and dropped off some food once.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It was very nice of you. I do remember that actually, but. And I had a house, a freestanding house in the hills. I remember the huge bath on. But now I'm wistfully recalling that. Or reminiscing about that shitty place because of the privacy.

[Trixie Mattel]

I liked that house. What did you not like about it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it wasn't so much what I didn't like about it, it was that I made some. So I. In the real estate department, I've made every single bad decision you can possibly make, right? So that's what I'm doing. That's my track, that's what I'm up to.

[Trixie Mattel]

That's my drag. You say that's my drag. That's my drag is fucking up every real estate decision. That's my drag.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Queer people.

[Trixie Mattel]

I'll buy it. As queer people, we get to choose our shitty real estate decisions.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Love, exciting and new.

[Trixie Mattel]

Hello.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Hannah Waddingham here. Have you seen the fabulous new Sun Princess? World class entertainment, exceptional dining and the greatest pizza ever.

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[Marley Spoon Ad]

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[Trixie Mattel]

Which is how I sleep. It's everything.

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[Trixie Mattel]

What I like about ritual is that it's easy.

[Marley Spoon Ad]

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[Trixie Mattel]

And I'm just trying to do especially.

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[Trixie Mattel]

To get back on now that my.

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[Katya Zamolodchikova]

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[Trixie Mattel]

Not to be whatever, but being able to even afford to make a real estate mistake is a lovely blessing. And you sound ungrateful. And I think people at home would like you to apologize. Uh oh.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I apologize for being fat, ugly, broke, nasty, and. No. I'm gonna rent.

[Trixie Mattel]

Boop.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Watch me rent. Watch me.

[Trixie Mattel]

What's gonna happen to your condo now?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Watch me rent.

[Trixie Mattel]

Red. What? Something you can rent. My house.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Rent blocks.

[Trixie Mattel]

I'm renting my house right now.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Please. Oh, my God. $20 a day.

[Trixie Mattel]

I can't let you in there. Yes, I let you in there for like two hours yesterday, and that was too much.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I ate you at a house at home.

[Trixie Mattel]

No. Everyone, can I tell you guys what this bag did?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I go right to the. I go right to the fridge to get the gr.

[Trixie Mattel]

This is what I did, girl. I went and got. We got donuts from Krispy Kreme. I bought her full fat Coca Colas. I got her Cornishons. The $13 ones. The Cornishons.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Darling, honey, baby. I ate all them Corny Shawns. I housed all them donuts.

[Trixie Mattel]

She ate. She ate three.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Krispy home all your grapes, girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, let me tell you, cuz. I put out a. I put out Wisconsin cheddar, a gouda, a spreadable Bourson. All different types of chips. What they got little celery items. I cut up vegetables. This bitch goes into my fridge, takes groceries out of my fridge and asks for a doggy Bag. She took groceries from my home and asked for a doggy bag to take home.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sweetie, I'm struggling through all the offered food. My auto insurance is in collection.

[Trixie Mattel]

Collection, sweetie.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Do you remember Ms. Foreclosure?

[Trixie Mattel]

She's back.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's back.

[Trixie Mattel]

This is her drag daughter. This is her drag daughter from the legendary house of Closure.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We've got Miss Collection.

[Trixie Mattel]

So what happened?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So here's the thing. I got this shitty Lexus, whatever, and you. You were in it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Shitty Lex. It's not shitty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no.

[Trixie Mattel]

Range World.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no, no, no, no. Here's the thing is again, if. If there's a large purchase, I will fuck it up. Here's how it did that. I went online on CarMax and bought a car, sight unseen. Blue. Doesn't matter that they put a bow on it.

[Trixie Mattel]

They do.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They do.

[Trixie Mattel]

They deliver the bow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, it's there when you go get it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Really?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, of course. And then 10 seconds after I drive it off the lot, almost get into a full car wreck.

[Trixie Mattel]

But that's right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So the. So this car that I don't particularly care for, whatever.

[Trixie Mattel]

Lexus.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, no. It's just. It was the model. Everything in the interior is like, oh, this sucks.

[Trixie Mattel]

Do you name the car?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I'm not.

[Trixie Mattel]

What about Michelle?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't.

[Trixie Mattel]

I don't like that Lexus Michelle. That's funny.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Trixie Mattel]

What's going on with the foreclosure boy?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so I. So I Allstate Progressive. You know about her? Know about them? So I thought. I was like, oh, my gosh, you know what? I'm such a ninny. I sign up for two separate auto insurances. I gotta figure out which one to cancel. So I call Progressive. They're like, yeah, you don't have an account with us Hoe. I was like, okay, so it must be Allstate. I call Allstate. I'm like, yeah, we have no record of your account because it's been in collection since October. I think you owe about $2,600, and you're gonna have to go through the collection agencies in order to get your policy reinstated. So thank you very much and have a lovely day. Click.

[Trixie Mattel]

Damn.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, so now I got to call the collection people.

[Trixie Mattel]

Why do they make it all so difficult?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Has not affected my credit score.

[Trixie Mattel]

Your bills has been affected, young man.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

My what?

[Trixie Mattel]

Your bills has been affected, young man. Have you ever seen that clip of Boston CEO? You have been promoted.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know her.

[Trixie Mattel]

There's this other clip where she goes, your bills has been affected, young man. And I love, I love her.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I love Corporate Aaron too.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah, she's amazing. The manager for managing McManagement.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, my God. I, I keep points talking on our agenda.

[Trixie Mattel]

So many things happened surrounding that for me, which was remember when my, Remember when my condo, Milwaukee got, wait, repossessed.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait, wait, sweetie. We're not done with Amelia. We're not done with Amelia Perez. So just a little button, little button on Ms. Perez. I know that award shows are political. I, I, I, I presume that many of these awards are purchased. I know that unless we ever win.

[Trixie Mattel]

Win them. It's 100% talent.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exactly.

[Trixie Mattel]

Owned because we didn't have the money to purchase it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know, there have been, there have been many flops, many flubs in the awards, award show history. That is all well known. And it's not always the best film that wins or the best performance. You know that. We all know this movie, this film. She's got no business up in that award system. She got no business.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Herbie Too fully loaded. Released on Blu Ray recently. That should have been up for best musical, right? It's from like 20 years ago. Doesn't matter.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm mad.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yes. I have so much more, so I had to go, okay, I'm done. Okay. Do you remember when I'm done, do you remember my condo was in foreclosure or whatever because I didn't pay the taxes, Property taxes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

This is very relatable. All our consumer customers.

[Trixie Mattel]

I just paid mine this year for that property. Not bad. $2,000 for my apartment in Milwaukee. 400 square foot. It's one room.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You know how many square foot I got in this box? 20. 100.

[Trixie Mattel]

How much is that property tax? Probably a good 20.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't think I've paid it yet.

[Trixie Mattel]

Something crazy.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I, I think if you have crepe paper walls, you don't have to do the tax.

[Trixie Mattel]

20.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You have to do the tax. If it's crepe paper walls. Pinata walls.

[Trixie Mattel]

Pinata walls made from the material that's bees nest.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Papier machete.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah, bees nest, birch bark, honeycomb.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

We got honeycomb, honeycomb ceiling.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's somehow an amplifier. There's a microphone on their side.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The speakers to your side, the vents are just megaphone.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah, megaphones. A girl. I had to go to the dmv and there's signs, there's signs, there's signs up that say we do not accept tips or gratitude.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Gratuities.

[Trixie Mattel]

Gratuities or gifts. Because I guess people go to the dmv and go like, hey, I don't want to take that driver's test. Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I don't know what they're.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

See what. What George or Washington has to say about it. They slip him a one.

[Trixie Mattel]

Do you think it's because, like, the super celebs go in there and try to hand over 500. But can I just get the line?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Of course. Probably. That's what I used to do at door.

[Trixie Mattel]

Is there a secret celebrity dmv? Yes, there is.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

How do we get that?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't know. You ask Kathy Griffin or Michelle Obama or whatever.

[Trixie Mattel]

I texted Kathy because I was like, she's got a Malibu.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's got to know.

[Trixie Mattel]

So the fires. I was like, are you okay? No, she's okay. She said she. She told me she could. She was okay.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, I mean. And as much as we love to talk, I. I don't think it's funny.

[Trixie Mattel]

The fire.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Anybody loses. It's not funny when anybody loses their house. I don't care how rich they are. I don't care how much stuff they have.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's. I think it's actually. Nobody's sad about the things that burned. I think it's this. The sadder part is the thought of your home base is gone. Mary.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Seth Bogart, girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

Seth Bogart. I know my friend Ethan's sister.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Everything. Gone.

[Trixie Mattel]

Let's do Seth Bogart, our friend Wacky Wacko, a great artist. Go to Wacky Wacko and support the dolls because that. His. His work is really wonderful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And yeah, my friend Ethan, she. His sister is a huge fan of mine. Palisades. Gone. Nothing. Boop. All of it. All their dead mom stuff. Gone. It's just like so sad.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's sad.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And meanwhile, I'm hoping and praying that those fire lick every bit of my honeycomb walls so I can just move on.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, it's a condo. So what if other people are in the building and dying?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, they. I say we Boop boop. I do the whistle. Of course, everybody hears me because of the thin walls.

[Trixie Mattel]

Everyone should go.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, you know, like clockwork today we had the lovely. I was so glad I was at home to witness it. Whenever the leaf blower comes, it sets off the fire alarm. Love that.

[Trixie Mattel]

I hate that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

For a good two and a half minutes. Ear piercing screech.

[Trixie Mattel]

Can I tell you what happened to the dmv? So you guys know that I've been trying to get my license, right? So I'll tell you what happened. And I'm trying to get a license because I'm trying to get a car for Brandon and I to drive around for work. And I'm desperately interested in getting a rv.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes.

[Trixie Mattel]

And I want to be able to drive it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So strange.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah. Okay, So I want to get that too. Right. So. Which, by the way, if I had an rv, we could have fled LA with no problem, nowhere to stay. No problem.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Problem. We could have stayed on the highway, driving that bus, getting killed.

[Trixie Mattel]

And fine, who's going to fuck with me?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Drunk drivers. We ride on a tour bus at our peril. I don't think about death every night when you get in that bunk.

[Trixie Mattel]

Not at all. Never crossed my mind. So basically, I go to the. I go to the dmv and I have had a. I've had a Wisconsin driver's license.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

When did it expire?

[Trixie Mattel]

Nine years ago. So I go in and they go, do you have your actual copy? I said, no, I only have a picture because it was so long ago. I don't know where my copy of my.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I got two.

[Trixie Mattel]

My driver's license from 2016, I don't know where it is. So I say, I have a picture of it. And they go, well, you need to either obtain your Wisconsin driving record to prove that you were a driver or retake the driving test. So they say, first thing, you need.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

To pull up to the bumper, baby.

[Trixie Mattel]

First thing, you just take the written. So I go take the written. And I studied for it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

I got so many wrong. I got so many. Can I ask you some of the ones that I got wrong?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, please.

[Trixie Mattel]

If you have something hanging, like if you have a flatbed truck, if you're hauling a load that hangs four feet or more off the back of the truck, what is the protocol to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, it's multiple choice. So give me the choice.

[Trixie Mattel]

One was turn on the hazards.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So, okay. One was. But I'm behind this.

[Trixie Mattel]

If you're driving. If you're driving. If it's your car with the load.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't do that.

[Trixie Mattel]

But then the question. Okay, okay. You either have to turn on the flashers, your hazards, or wrap it with like a yellow or orange. It's like ribbon or like fabric. Or the other option was like, just drive really slow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't remember that question.

[Trixie Mattel]

That's what I'm saying. So I put hazards. You have to wrap it in orange or yellow.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You just gotta wrap it. You gotta wrap that shit.

[Trixie Mattel]

So I didn't know that. And the other one was.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was gonna say all the above.

[Trixie Mattel]

When is it appropriate to leave a kid, a young child, in a car? Okay, well, the options were never. Never with an adult. Never with an adult.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's never.

[Trixie Mattel]

But to me, with an adult is not leave them in the car. They're with an adult.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That adult could be the killer.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right. I got like. So I got more than three wrong. So then I got four, five, six, seven wrong. And then I think like eight wrong. And then at the end it said, you passed. And I said, oh, boop.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, how about miss, Miss never took driver's ed.

[Trixie Mattel]

Whoop whoop. You just took the test.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Never. No, I got my license when I was 18.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah, I thought I was gonna be able to get a license today, but I had to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So you passed.

[Trixie Mattel]

I passed. The written love wins. Love wins. Thank you.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Pouring out for the passer.

[Trixie Mattel]

Thank you. I had the spirit of David lynch under my wings.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Lost highway, literally.

[Trixie Mattel]

Woo. So I guess I have to ask. I have to send paperwork to the Wisconsin DMV and have them send my driver's record. And then they told me if I go back in the dmv, I don't have to make an appointment and just show that they'll give me my license. License. But if I don't get that, I have to take the driver's license test. But let me tell you guys this. In order to take the driving test, you have to have a car that's insured. You can't buy a car, get insurance without a license. So what's this Marty McFly chicken and egg we're running?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You can't call me because mine's my shit's in collection girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

My, my baby doll sister over here, I got her death trap with her cracked up papers. Is that cool? With her wigs in the back with.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The shoes, I got wigs, I got teethy shoe, toothy shoes. I got no papers. How's that?

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, my thought was, I wonder if I can rent a car to take a test. And then they were like, well, you don't have to take it. You have to provide your driver's record. I guess they wouldn't accept a picture of my ID. They wanted the plastic.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wisconsin ID, Mama. Forgery. Forgery.com.

[Trixie Mattel]

So then get this. On the California DMV website, you can fill out a form to get a Wisconsin website. You can fill out a form to recall your records remotely. And one of the ways they verify is by you send a selfie in good lighting and it, it, the, the computer matches it to your. Oh yeah, but this is from 2015, when I had hair, they were like, baldy. So I got immediate. No, we could not match your records. Sorry. You fat, ugly, bald.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You didn't put a piece on a little wiglet.

[Trixie Mattel]

If I had known what I know now, I would have put on that little piece.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, we're gonna talk about pieces because we're gonna get some.

[Trixie Mattel]

Who is we?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Me and you.

[Trixie Mattel]

Why?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Because David lynch died at 78 with a full head of luscious, gorgeous hair.

[Trixie Mattel]

Do you really miss the hair?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, but I want a piece.

[Trixie Mattel]

Piece of what?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

A piece of.

[Trixie Mattel]

A piece of that piece of ass.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Like a piece of an install. An installed. An installed unit.

[Trixie Mattel]

An installated unit. I got my unit insulated.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, I told you about that dude that was at the barber. He had full male pattern baldness, right? They. They glue the shit out of his scalp to take this. Like strands of yaki hair. They glue that on, and then they give him the only fade. And that made him. He went from 65 to 25. I am not joking.

[Trixie Mattel]

Have you talked to Bob lately?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Bob who?

[Trixie Mattel]

Bob the drag Queen.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

Ms. Former Fatty.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Now she's like.

[Trixie Mattel]

She's not a former fat.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She is.

[Trixie Mattel]

She was mad at the house last.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Time I saw her. Now she is cut up.

[Trixie Mattel]

She's not. She is so ripped and has a piece.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, that's.

[Trixie Mattel]

She came on this pod.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's giving Wesley from 92.

[Trixie Mattel]

Meanwhile, I just had to take the fam or the opera descent into my basement to get my. My. My big jeans mama.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's giving 96 blade. She's. She's.

[Trixie Mattel]

She's getting Wesley Snipes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

She's buff and she's. She's. Yeah, she looks incredible.

[Trixie Mattel]

She looks incredible.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know. I was a little out of exercise.

[Trixie Mattel]

Sobriety. Great style. Who knew? That's all it takes.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I was out of. I was out of pocket when I saw. I was like, oh, my God, you used to be fat. You was fat as hell last time I saw you. Yeah, but she was. And she looks incredible. I know, because she said to me, gross.

[Trixie Mattel]

She looks so good. And she came in. I was. She came in the other day and she said, you look really good, girl. I said, why don't you shut your mouth? Why don't you project your mouth?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You're projecting.

[Trixie Mattel]

You're projecting.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, she does. It's. I always think it's. Transformations are wonderful.

[Trixie Mattel]

But, you know, I was thinking about this, and I was talking about this a lot with my.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That coach.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, I was talking to my homosexual therapist about this, you like him. Yeah, but I was talking about, you know, I have unrealistic standards for my own body that I don't even apply to other men. Of course I don't have the standards for other men that I have for my like, I like all types of bodies.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

But with me, I have some kind of weird, impossible because even when I got horribly thin, I didn't feel like Ms. Thing.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's all made up in your mind. But we were talking about how when you're young and gay, when you're young and straight, like athleticism, peewee football, you know, like that's probably the first time you come into your body and like your male body is celebrated and you can excel at something with sports.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And like you also build a foundation right.

[Trixie Mattel]

When you're gay from an early age. The way you walk, the way you're not athletic enough, your body is. You're constantly told when you're young, like your body's not what another what a boy's body is supposed to be doing or looking like. And so you start out base level, like, I don't have a boy. I don't have a good, I'm not good.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I know. Well, that's why I'm so jealous of all these like newer fags, you know, the next generation of fags.

[Trixie Mattel]

And oh, they've got it all.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They got it all. They're. First of all, they are, they have hardly. This is a huge generalization that is patently untrue, but I'm gonna say it anyways. I, I've, you know, Jennifer Z and Jennifer Alpha, they like, they don't have nearly enough, like nearly as much sexual hang ups. They're just gay blue. There's gay blue. You know what I mean?

[Trixie Mattel]

Or they're doing, doing Sapphic and, or a man on man activities but not even feeling the need to come out or identify.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Love it, love it, love it, love it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Because you know what I hate? I hate when I'm like, oh, I slept with a straight guy. But like, if you slept with him, he wasn't straight. I'm like, well, yes. If I booked a am I straight?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Exactly. People need to, they really need to run this through. Like, so I, so I ate some lips last night. Am I a straight man?

[Trixie Mattel]

No.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Am I Bruce Willis?

[Trixie Mattel]

I'm talking about. We're not my Steven Seagal, right? No, you like Steven Seagal.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I don't.

[Trixie Mattel]

I do. Like when he beats the out of.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

People back in the day. Now he's, he's a Little crazy, so. But. But I. I just. I love that the. I mean, of course, I'm sure they have total. They have other anxieties, whatever, but it's my. My limited interaction with, you know, people who are 22 to 27, let's say.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Just like I'm gay.

[Trixie Mattel]

I love that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What else? It's great.

[Trixie Mattel]

What else?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What else?

[Trixie Mattel]

So what now?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

What else is cooking?

[Trixie Mattel]

What else is cooking? Yeah, girl. The pressure I felt at the DMV to pass my test. Because it's wild. I told you yesterday, you have to.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Wait a long time.

[Trixie Mattel]

So this is where the primo behavior begins. You know, I live by the dmv. I went to my studio and worked, and Brandon waited in line until he was in the front, and then I walked across the street.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

That's. That is diva behavior.

[Trixie Mattel]

But I worked the whole time.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yes, yes. Worked hard at jerking it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right. I worked.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

So that's fierce.

[Trixie Mattel]

I passed. I thought it was gonna. I thought, you can only miss three. I don't know where in my mind I got that.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How many questions were there?

[Trixie Mattel]

Felt like 50. And you're standing. And it's also the UN. Like, all languages, all different volumes. Everyone's speaking. I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but if I'm around people all talking and I have to read, I had to cover my ears and get this close to the screen to comprehend what I was reading.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Standing up.

[Trixie Mattel]

Standing up.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Probably more efficient. People fall asleep.

[Trixie Mattel]

But if I missed it, I heard them telling people, oh, you failed. Well, you can only take it once a day, so you have to come back another day. If I would have had to come back again to take it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, I thought you were gonna say once a year.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, you have to come back the next day to take it again.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's like I forgot a bagel at the start. I'll go back tomorrow. No big deal. I thought you were gonna say, like, you have to take it next month or next year.

[Trixie Mattel]

I'm just trying to play the long game, which is I'm trying to get a gorgeous vehicle for Brandon to drive around. Well, probably some. I think I want a Volvo. I think the Swedes know what's up with the vehicles.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

The safety, very safety. The safety features, very safety oriented.

[Trixie Mattel]

And I think the American vehicles are on the way out. They're starting their tin can era. They're starting their aluminum can era, their plastic era.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Well, somebody was telling me, David Mason was telling me that, you know, Covid really, really, really affected car manufacturing. So Cars built after Covid are just not the same as the ones built before.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah. You know, so I'm excited to get a vehicle and get a used one. I'm in a lease for the business.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, that's. That's smart.

[Trixie Mattel]

You know, Own a car. I'm not an idiot.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You should buy a Lamborghini. That's a great investment.

[Trixie Mattel]

Right? I'm gonna lease a car. Lease a new car and then. Or at least a used car.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, no, if you don't smoke, lease a car.

[Trixie Mattel]

And then I'm gonna take my stunning RV that I will acquire some way and take a gorgeous land yacht road trip.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Where's. Where's the difference between RV and Winnebago?

[Trixie Mattel]

So Winnebago is a brand that makes recreational vehicles. That's what it's like. It's like a shoe in a Nike recreational vehicle. Yeah. Recreational vehicle.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I didn't know that.

[Trixie Mattel]

And there's three types. Class A is like our tour buses, giant land yachts.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Trixie Mattel]

Class B is like when people live in vans. People live in, like a sprinter van.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sure.

[Trixie Mattel]

And class B is like that middle ground where it's like a Winnebago. We think of when you think of like a family camper.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Got it, got it. Interesting. You're gonna have the one that goes. That extends like John Travolta.

[Trixie Mattel]

No, I just want a van because I want to be able to park it in a city and not worry about it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, you don't want to go to.

[Trixie Mattel]

Park at Target, Go to restaurants.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Right, right, right, right, right. So it's a van, essentially, living in a van.

[Trixie Mattel]

But I would. Or I would love to get a gorgeous, like a Winnebago style one, too, to go on, like, a trip. Lovely trip. Gray water.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

How many giant poop in a car. How many giant vehicles are you gonna have with tubes that put your poopy out of it?

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, currently I have that huge. I have a huge driveway with nothing in it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

You have a huge what?

[Trixie Mattel]

Driveway. Nothing in it. Oh, this is gonna be huge for me, and I would appreciate your support.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Oh, you have that motorcade or whatever you call it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Have I ever said I was going to do something and not done it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No.

[Trixie Mattel]

So I'd appreciate.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Mama. She's got support. She's Ms. Followed through.

[Trixie Mattel]

Ms. Follow through.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I miss Flake City. Flake City Roller, My meat. Yeah. It's like, when I tell you I will do something, baby, you better be sure I won't do it.

[Trixie Mattel]

Yeah, when I tell you I'll do it. I will mean if someone stand next to me with a gun and forces me to do it.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. It's six months later. After they ask me.

[Trixie Mattel]

After they ask.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Okay, so final thoughts. Amelia Perez. We got some explaining to do. My apologies to Carlos. Sophia Garcon is. I don't know what that is. Not her name.

[Trixie Mattel]

As well as Ms. Zoe.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah. Listen, I would like to go on record and please, this is sincere. I don't mean any disrespect to the talents of these actors. I do, however, wish this director a very bad day and I hope that he does not win any awards. Right, that's it. Art is subjective. That's my opinion. I've made shitty art. So bloop tea. Yeah, I can take.

[Trixie Mattel]

So we're not tastemakers. Who cares?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

No, but I am a taste. I got an eye for fashion and.

[Trixie Mattel]

You'Re kind of a know it all.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I'm a pick me girl.

[Trixie Mattel]

I. I just think, I think that Ms. DMV could use like reform and defund.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Sweetie, it's a government agency. They're on their own time. I love it, like at the post office. Oh, I love this. Went to the post office the other day, waiting for about three days, three and a half, right? And then I get to the. I get to the counter and they're like, closer, right in my face. I was like, work, work deep or don't work.

[Trixie Mattel]

That pissed me off.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Hunty. Love that.

[Trixie Mattel]

Well, post office also, like, it's scalable. If you go to a small town post office, the post office in Provincetown, they're so sweet. Oh, my God, you have a postcard to send. Can I eat you out, L.A. oh, my God, let's have sex. LA is like, oh, well, first we're going to need you to bend over, over, and here's your rape kit. And we'll see on the other side of the wall, like, yeah, we're gonna.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Need you to sleep on this cot chained to it for about a week.

[Trixie Mattel]

It's awful. It's really awful.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

It's rotten.

[Trixie Mattel]

But the big city, the big city post office experience is worsers. Yeah, it's worsers. It's rooters, it's craziers. But I also think it has to do with people being treated worse in the big cities.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Yeah, of course. And crazy. Crazy.

[Trixie Mattel]

Listen, New York, you just get punched in the mouth, but at the post.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Office you get kicked in the c, punched in the mouth and thrown out the window. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, they just keep it. They stamp your ass and kick you right out. Can I make a last little confession?

[Trixie Mattel]

What is it?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

I have been known to do a certain thing recently and I want to tell you what it is I have been making. Constructing. Sewing. Certain types of negligees which I wear myself at home.

[Trixie Mattel]

We'll see you next week. See you next week.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

And I wear them to exercise in. Oh, yeah, baby. What do they look like, sweetie? They're gorgeous.

[Trixie Mattel]

Are they feminine?

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

They're extremely fat.

[Trixie Mattel]

This is why Bob is gorgeous and we're us. That's why Bob is tall and muscular and well dressed. And you and I are looking like a couple truck drivers up on Craigslist talking to the crosses.

[Katya Zamolodchikova]

Listen, you can't handle this crossy workout tea. You can't handle it. It's. It's giving sweetheart cut thong back straps and glamour. Goodbye.

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