The Silence of the Hooves with Trixie and Katya

Summary

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The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Episode: The Silence of the Hooves
Date: January 13, 2026
Hosts: Trixie Mattel (“Mary”), Katya Zamolodchikova, Bob the Drag Queen (guest appearances)

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Episode Overview

In this characteristically chaotic and candid episode, Trixie and Katya deliver their signature blend of pop culture musings, medical misadventures, and raw comedy. The queens swap wild injury stories (including Katya’s close call with a taxidermied antelope), dissect the realities of living with chronic health issues, ponder dreams of Olympic TV commentary, and spill on both recent TV obsessions and cringe-inducing award show appearances. Their conversation is peppered with unexpected heartfelt moments, unfiltered life advice, and plenty of inappropriate humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meth Lyrics and 90s Karaoke Dreams

[00:20 - 02:03]

• The episode kicks off with Mary (Trixie) declaring love for “Semi-Charmed Life,” surprising Katya with its drug-laden lyrics.
  • Mary: “I looked up the lyrics, and as I was reading them, I was like, wait a minute...” [00:40]
  • Katya: “Doing crystal meth is in the lyrics.” [01:55]
• Katya’s deadpan: “I don’t like songs about stuff.” [00:33]

2. Katya's Antelope Accident (Medical Drama!)

[02:24 - 08:49]

• Katya recounts a gruesome injury after a taxidermied antelope fell and gashed her head.
  • “The horn pierces my head in, gashes it open... I got pictures and I’ve got stitches on my head right now.” – Katya [02:41-02:48]
• Katya navigates home care, suffers through bleeding and DIY attempts before being stitched up at a bougie, hidden doctor’s office—dishing on America’s fractured healthcare.
  • “It was like you could never find... They buzz me in, girl. They treat me immediately so fiercely.” [06:31]
• Memorable: Katya laments the resulting “strange island” of hair after shaving around her stitches.

3. Chronic Health Talk: Pelvic Floor, Peptides, and Pooping

[09:10 - 12:37]

• Trixie candidly updates on her autoimmune issues—needing four daily peptide shots and pelvic floor therapy.
  • “I’m like someone’s 19-year-old diabetic cat that they’re trying to keep alive.” – Mary [09:50]
  • “I went to pelvic floor therapy…they both tried to stick their finger up my butt.” [10:07]
• Both bemoan modern wellness fads and overdosing on caffeine; Trixie receives strict health regimens from a friend ("You cannot be having energy drinks. You need to get your nervous system down." [11:10])
• Katya: “Sleep is non-negotiable. And you have to meditate.” [12:15]

4. Gym Mishaps and Locker Room Gender Trouble

[13:13 - 15:05]

• Trixie shares a classic drag confusion: mistaking the women’s locker room for the men’s at Planet Fitness.
  • “So I just saw breasts and I go, oh, it’s me.” [14:05]
• The queens reflect on locker room awkwardness, expensive locks, and unreliable memory when stashing valuables at the gym.
  • “At 36, no new four number codes. I can’t do it.” – Mary [15:29]

5. Olympic Dreams and Ultra-Gay Commentary

[21:05 - 24:51]

• The pair fantasize about becoming Olympic commentators, but Katya doubts conservative networks would ever let them loose.
  • “You think NBC would let me talk sucking dick and cock at the Olympics?” – Katya [22:20]
  • They rewrite standard sports jargon in classic drag-slang: “She ate that bar set. She shot on that beam for sure. She chewed that vault up…” [24:21]
• Katya: “I’d have to make a thesaurus for myself. Okay, ‘cunt’ means amplitude…” [23:59]

6. TV Reviews: “It,” “Derry Girls,” and More

[25:05 - 32:19]

• In-depth review of the “It” adaptation: high praise for child actors, but strong dislike for Pennywise’s styling.
  • “I’m not a fan of the styling of Pennywise in this... I hate it.” – Katya [25:33]
  • “These kid actors are... acting.” – Mary [28:03]
• They reflect on the difference between 90s adaptations and current CGI-heavy horror.
  • “Every movie looks like a Lord of the Rings movie. Everything is so post.” – Mary [30:31]

7. “Love After Lockup” & Pen Pal Philosophy

[32:38 - 33:35]

• Trixie shares her soft spot for reality TV about ex-cons; debate the psychology of prison pen pal relationships.
  • Mary: “I’m okay with a penal, but I still want to be able to put the dick in my mouth.” [33:09]
  • Katya: “Well, I think it’s probably an issue of... flirting with danger without imminent, you know…” [33:16]

8. Street Harassment & Resilience

[34:05 - 36:10]

• Trixie opens up about a recent racist incident while jogging in Hollywood; Katya recounts being targeted by homophobic slurs.
  • Katya: “I got called fiercely a faggot. It was actually exhilarating, this queen... laser pointer to the forehead. Faggot.” [34:44]
  • They reflect on the numbness and absurdity of queer slurs as adults.

9. Health Anxiety, Doctors, and DIY Diagnosis

[46:08 - 47:22]

• Trixie and Katya commiserate on self-diagnosis, the medical internet rabbit hole, and the tension between personal research and trusting professionals.
  • Katya: “It’s going to the doctor bringing a stethoscope.” [46:14]
  • Mary: “Doctors 99% of the time will send you home saying there’s nothing wrong with you.” [46:32]

10. 2026 Goals: Splits, Uber Shenanigans & Self-Care

[49:04 - 51:02]

• Katya dramatically lists her goals: center split, consensual sex with an Uber or Uber Eats driver, and further self-discovery.
• Mary’s resolution: “Take better care of myself. Relax.” [50:57]

11. Award Show Chaos: TikTok’s Technical Flop

[52:48 - 61:40]

• Trixie details the hot mess of presenting at the TikTok Awards—technical failures, improper lighting, overheated influencers, and zero sense of humor backstage.
  • “If you want, I have my iPhone here... and what we could do is we could Livestream it from my TikTok.” – Mary [58:44]
• No one laughs at Trixie’s “Just use my iPhone for the live feed” joke amidst the chaos, highlighting influencer culture’s lack of levity.

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Memorable Quotes

• On handling injuries:
  “This fudgeing whore [the doctor]. Not only was this fudge so beautiful... Her bedside manner was just sparkling.” – Katya, [08:52]
• On gym mishaps:
  “So I just saw breasts and I go, oh, it’s me.” – Mary, [14:05]
• Olympic dreams, distilled:
  “I’d have to sit down and make a thesaurus for myself. Okay, ‘cunt’ means amplitude...” – Katya, [23:59]
• On TikTok’s chaos:
  “If you want, I have my iPhone here... and we could Livestream it from my TikTok.” – Mary, [58:44]
• Criticizing youth slang:
  “Honey girl, that outfit doesn’t fit. And it looks like shit.” – Katya, [56:32]
• Reflection on harassment:
  “It doesn’t hit the way you think it hits, because I know... Oh, I’ve known that since 12.” – Katya, [35:26]

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Notable Timestamps

• [02:24] Katya begins her antelope disaster recount.
• [09:10] Trixie on her medical regimen and autoimmune journey.
• [14:05] Trixie realizes she’s in the wrong locker room.
• [22:20] Katya shoots down the idea of gay Olympic commentary on NBC (“You think NBC would let me talk sucking dick and cock at the Olympics?”)
• [25:33] “It” review: Katya’s strong Pennywise styling critique.
• [32:38] Trixie’s reality TV pick—“Love After Lockup.”
• [34:44 - 35:32] Both hosts share recent hate speech incidents and their responses.
• [49:04] Katya reveals her 2026 goals.
• [52:48] Trixie launches into the TikTok Awards backstage disaster.
• [58:44] The iPhone joke that flopped backstage.

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

Trixie and Katya’s banter oscillates between gleeful absurdity and genuine vulnerability. Their observations are delivered with biting wit and a refusal to take themselves (or the world) too seriously. Underneath the relentless drag queen humor, they offer real talk about injury, chronic health, the medical grind, queer resilience, and the audacity of living fabulous amid the chaos.

If you missed the episode, this summary gives you the essence: chaos, candor, and comedic gold—served bald, beautiful, and brutally honest.

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Transcript

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Welcome aboard Via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep flip or that and enjoy Via rail. Love the way.

[Mary]

That song. Semi charged charge. Semi charmed. Life in the 90s. I want something.

[Katya]

I hate that song.

[Mary]

It's about math, apparently. Well, great.

[Katya]

Is it?

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

I don't like songs about stuff.

[Bob]

Just kidding.

[Mary]

I hate the song.

[Katya]

No, it's about math.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Katya]

They say more.

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Mary]

Well, I was thinking this could be my new karaoke song. I really like it. And I looked up the lyrics, and as I was reading them, I was like, wait a minute.

[Katya]

Is it like the Pookies in my mouth with my torch lighter? Like, girl, you want to talk pookie? No, I want. How. You want to explain to me more about why this song is about method?

[Mary]

Well, let me show it to you.

[Katya]

Okay.

[Mary]

Did you watch the Debo documentary?

[Bob]

No.

[Katya]

She who doesn't watch tv.

[Mary]

Yeah. Snatched me together. Really? Snatched me together. It was incredible.

[Katya]

I'm not done with heated rivalry, but we ended on a cliffhanger, so I.

[Bob]

Want to.

[Katya]

Jump off the cliff.

[Mary]

So this song. I'm packed and I'm holding I'm smiling she's living, she's golden she lives for me says she lives for me Ovation her. Okay, wait, that's unpacked. I'm holding. And I could make you smile like a drug for you.

[Katya]

Okay. It could be about Benadryl.

[Mary]

No, no, no. It gets crazier. The sky was gold, it was rose. I was taking sips of it through my nose. I wish I could get back there some smiling. Okay. Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break. Don't you think that's a little obvious?

[Katya]

That's. You're joking. Oh, my God.

[Mary]

Doing crystal meth left you opportunity. Won't break it won't stop, won't come Then I keep stop. Literally.

[Katya]

Doing crystal meth is in the lyrics.

[Mary]

Yeah. With a tick tock rhythm, a bump for the drop.

[Katya]

Okay, So I think that you're probably right.

[Mary]

And the thing is, when I was in college, I. Something about analysis, and we learned a lot about, like, metaphor. And I think this is not a metaphor. I think they're just saying meth some. You know, I had no idea she.

[Bob]

Was dragging that dead horse at the restaurant.

[Katya]

And I feel good.

[Mary]

Peace. It's like a rom com song.

[Katya]

I asked her, did you kill your sister? And he said.

[Mary]

He said yes. And I thought something.

[Katya]

Wait.

[Bob]

Cliffhanger.

[Katya]

Cliffhanger.

[Mary]

Oh, right.

[Bob]

Previously on Bald and the Beautiful.

[Katya]

Taxidermy or what? So Andrew and I moved to the studio. I'm just, like, taking care of the last little pieces of. In my red room, a taxidermied antelope.

[Bob]

Falls on my head.

[Katya]

The horn pierces my head in, gashes it open.

[Mary]

You better stop, Mary.

[Katya]

I got pictures and I've got stitches on my head right now.

[Mary]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You had to get stitches?

[Katya]

Honey, listen to this. So the contractors are at my house. It happens.

[Mary]

They did the stitches.

[Katya]

No, no, no, no, no. We did everything wrong first. So it hurt so bad because the thing was very heavy, so the weight of it, it's £20, £25. And the horn. The point of the horn broke off.

[Bob]

After it sliced me.

[Katya]

I was stunned. Like, I was. I was like, oh, it, like, hurts so bad. And I don't.

[Bob]

I haven't.

[Katya]

I mean, I haven't been injured in so long.

[Mary]

Like. Oh.

[Katya]

Oh. And. And I. I go. Blood just is. I grab like a. A cloth, soaked it in blood. I had to get another one. Then I go upstairs to the deck, and I. The guys are working out there. I just point to my. I go like.

[Mary]

I'm like, what do you want them to do? Help. Is Andrew there?

[Katya]

No, no, no, no. This is my. This is my house.

[Mary]

Andrew's. Andrew's not interested. You're bleeding. He's like.

[Katya]

He's like, no, but. So Lester, the. The contractor comes down. He's like. I'm like, I'm bleeding. And I'm like. Like silent screaming and pointing at myself. And we go downstairs, clean it with alcohol. Don't do that.

[Mary]

Burns.

[Katya]

Yeah, but also, it dries it out. It's not what you're supposed to do. Soap and water. But yeah, yeah. And then you press, press, press. We put three, four giant bandages on it. Bled through all of them.

[Mary]

What the.

[Katya]

Yeah, And I was like. Then I put, like, ice on it.

[Mary]

What day was this?

[Bob]

This was. Oh, gosh.

[Mary]

Was this after Christmas or before Christmas?

[Katya]

I have. I have the picture so I could. I can tell you exactly the date.

[Bob]

And I have.

[Katya]

Oh, girl.

[Mary]

Did you have to go to the hospital?

[Katya]

So I didn't go. I was like, that happened in late afternoon. And then I'm like, I don't know. I go. I Googled it. I was like. The gash was long. And so I'm like. It says, like, if the cut is more than, like, a half inch, you should probably go get stitches. So I had. Last year when. When one of the times I went cocoa Bananas, our manager signed me up for this, like, kind of fancy health service. And I got charged for renewal and I was. I called to like, get it canceled because it was a lot of money.

[Mary]

They come to your house?

[Katya]

No, no, no, no, no, no. But it's just like you go to them and you don't wait or anything. It's very, very fierce.

[Mary]

But it's.

[Katya]

It's very expensive. So I called the day before to get it canceled. Nobody answered. So I was like, shit, I. I want to go to the urgent care around the corner.

[Bob]

251 star reviews.

[Katya]

So I called the. I called this place and I was like, hey, I have this. I think I need stitches. I told them the thing an antelope fell on me and then. And they're like, by the way, that antelope.

[Mary]

Revenge of the antelope.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

He didn't want to be on your wall.

[Katya]

How do we know that? What was she wearing?

[Mary]

Was he smiling?

[Katya]

I got a picture.

[Mary]

I've seen that antelope. He's like.

[Katya]

But so I. So I was. I was talking to the woman so nice. I was like, what should I do? Should I go to the urgent care? She's like, well, listen, it's where you're about 10 to 15, 10 to 12 minute drive from here. You could take 12 minutes to get here. And you must be seen immediately. There's nobody here. We will patch you up and you'll be out of here in 10 minutes.

[Mary]

Did that happen?

[Katya]

Or you can go to the urgent care. Wait three hours, Mary. I go there. It is in.

[Mary]

You need to tell me about this, mama.

[Katya]

I go to. It is.

[Mary]

Send me the link, baby.

[Katya]

This place was hidden. It was no door. Like, it was like. It was like you would not spa. It was like. It was so dark in the street. It was like you could never find. You know, they're like, it's.

[Bob]

It's this place.

[Katya]

You're not going to find the door. They. They buzz me in, girl. They treat me immediately so fiercely. The nurse is incredible. The doctor was amazing. I'm out of there in 15 minutes with stitches and I'm.

[Mary]

You need to send me this. Yeah. Because, you know, I need to go to the doctor every four days or so.

[Katya]

Any other hospital would have been. I just had a. You know what I mean? Like, people have, you know, motorcycle accidents. No, for sure, you know, And I don't have a PCP right now, so. Look, this is right here.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. Girl, that looks deep.

[Katya]

It's nasty.

[Mary]

Oh, if I was there with you and I Saw that. I would have said, we need to go to the hospital.

[Katya]

Well, so. It's huge, the lump. So that I got scared because I. I did. The pressure in the.

[Mary]

It was big.

[Katya]

The bump was big, and it was not stopping bleeding. I. I found a rag later completely soaked in blood.

[Mary]

Wouldn't it be fierce if all the meth, none of it damaged your brain, but this.

[Katya]

Was it an antelope.

[Mary]

Wouldn't that be fierce?

[Katya]

I mean, that is exactly what's gonna happen. I will be like. I'll be like hardcore drug user the whole night. I love it just to get hit by a car on my way to a meeting. You know what I mean?

[Mary]

Love it. Like being diabetic and getting hit by an insulin truck.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Bob]

I want to.

[Katya]

Actually, I don't want to show you because the way that I had to give myself a haircut. I had to, like, shave around. And it is.

[Mary]

So. It's an island of hair right now out there.

[Katya]

It is. It is a strange island. It is. It is a. Not a Lost.

[Mary]

It's the movie Lost. It's Lost. It's the show Lost, the smoke monster.

[Katya]

But yeah, it's. It's. And I have to go back to get them taken out.

[Mary]

Shit, girl.

[Katya]

I thought they were going to, like, staple or glue or something.

[Mary]

That's okay. Listen, the story of this is you have this beautiful piece of art in your home that fell on your head.

[Katya]

Want to auction? I want to auction it off, because, girl.

[Mary]

Oh, it really broke that horn.

[Katya]

Holy crap, girl.

[Mary]

You're lucky it wasn't your eye.

[Katya]

I know. I love my eye.

[Mary]

I wish it was me and it fell up my butt. Wouldn't that be kind of.

[Katya]

Well, Andrew is in our new studio. We have Pegboard. And I was like, what if you come to the studio one day and have. I'm, you know, sitting on the pegboard screaming, Pegging. Yeah, so. But on the. On the wall, like. No, but it was. It sucked. And I'd never had stitches before.

[Bob]

They.

[Katya]

You know, they do the. They shoot me up with lidocaine.

[Mary]

This.

[Katya]

This fucking.

[Mary]

No, mama.

[Katya]

This doctor.

[Bob]

Not only.

[Katya]

This fudgeing whore. Not only was this. This fudge so beautiful. Her bedside manner was just sparkling. She was funny, personable, like, efficient. So good at her job.

[Mary]

Yeah. I had a similar. I've been having. We talked about it. My similar. My urinary issues, which have.

[Katya]

Oh, yes. What's the bladder situation?

[Mary]

Did you get stuff? No. I had to accept that this probably definitely had to do with my autoimmune Inflammatory disorders. Like that's what's going on.

[Katya]

Are you sure it's just because you refuse to pee during the day?

[Mary]

No, shut up. I went on some new. I have a new neuroimmuno doctor which is a doctor that just treats like.

[Katya]

How many stimulus are you gonna say?

[Mary]

I go to like five.

[Bob]

Jesus.

[Mary]

And. But he has me on peptides now for stress and it has helped a lot. So I can I tell you, I just want to say gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude. Oh, I do. I do four shots a day now. It's fierce. I'm like. I'm like someone's 19 year old diabetic cat that they're trying to keep alive. Natural processes like pooping and peeing when they're not on schedule. You really realize how much you take it for granted?

[Bob]

Oh yeah.

[Mary]

Being constipated, not being able to pee.

[Katya]

Digital extraction.

[Mary]

So now I have to go to pelvic floor therapy. I'm dead serious. I went to two. Are you on therapist? And they both tried to stick their finger up my butt.

[Katya]

Are you a 72 year old woman?

[Mary]

I guess.

[Katya]

No, no offense.

[Bob]

72 year old women.

[Mary]

I have so much stress that you're all your smooth muscle practices down here are clenching. So nothing is. Nothing is peeing and pooping the way it's supposed to. Everything's grabbing your fight or flight.

[Katya]

You gotta get your cortisol. You gotta get that cortisol out.

[Mary]

See now I had to call my other doctor. The massage called that turmeric.

[Katya]

You need a turmeric. Julius from Squirrel.

[Mary]

Michelle has some autoimmune dysfunction. She's the only person I know who deals with it. And when I call her, she drops everything and talks to me about it. And she is a model human as far as that. Brings her own pots and pans to cook on. Like she has xed out. She brings variables where her body gets.

[Katya]

She brings her own airplane seat on the flight.

[Mary]

She's gluten free, dairy free, vegan. Like what? She's next level prohibitive with her health.

[Katya]

But like is it Demi Moore with like only raw vegan.

[Mary]

She basically was like Trixie, you cannot be having Celsius. She was like, you cannot be having energy drinks. She said you need to get your. She said you need to get your nervous system down. You don't need to be having caffeine and alcohol. She's like, you need to be like. She's right.

[Katya]

Bite the bullet. And you need to listen to asmr.

[Mary]

Well, guess what I got for Christmas.

[Katya]

What?

[Mary]

An inversion Table.

[Katya]

What is that?

[Mary]

Down. Decompress your spine.

[Katya]

Parasympathetic nervous system.

[Mary]

Excited. I've never used it. Haven't set it up yet. I hope part of my gift is that somebody also sets it up for me because I was just given it and now I'm like, oh, good, a project.

[Katya]

It's like being shipped. Like an IKEA furniture thing.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Okay, great.

[Mary]

And I've been working so much on music stuff at home. And I have my dining room set up with my little keyboard and my computer and I'm working on a bunch of new music. But I was thinking of converting my basement into a small studio. But I don't know if that's crazy.

[Katya]

Mary, what's happening to your body is crazy. You need to fight crazy with crazy. You think you need to fight crazy with insane.

[Mary]

But I'm trying to relax my system by making sure I exercise every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleep the full eight hours. Yes. Don't bomb my body with caffeine like I've been doing.

[Katya]

Sleep is not well. Yeah, you can. No caffeine. Sleep is non negotiable. And you have to meditate.

[Mary]

And breathing, like, deep breaths. Calming that. Like, it's corny. But taking the moments during the day.

[Katya]

It's not corny. Like the whole. When you get advanced in yoga, they like the pranayama. If it's not yoga, it's all about. The asanas are just like a lead up to breath control and meditation.

[Mary]

Yeah. They basically were just like, there's nothing wrong with your bladder. We think you're like clenching your involuntary muscles are not letting you pee. Everything's holding. I was having to. I was peeing probably 20 times a day and like a few tablespoons at a time. It was awful.

[Katya]

That h. That happens to me. Like, I have been. I think it's because I'm always having a ring on.

[Mary]

But I like a cage.

[Katya]

Cock cage. No, I sometimes, like, I have a hard.

[Bob]

Well, I said this before, cuz I.

[Katya]

Don'T want to fart.

[Mary]

You got to do it. You live alone.

[Katya]

I'm talking in the airport bathroom where the acoustics are like at the Hollywood Bowl. Straight men don't care, mama.

[Bob]

They.

[Katya]

They blow ass on the toilets.

[Mary]

And the vo. The vocalization, it's crazy. Oh, my God.

[Katya]

So delicious, girl.

[Mary]

Because I have house guests, I haven't been able to use my peloton, which is in the guest room.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

So I've been going to the gym and I don't use. Where'd you go? The Planet Fitness. I've been a Planet Fitness member for probably 25 years at this point. I think I'm the first member. Me and Lindsay Lohan. Right. So I went to the one the other day in Studio City. It's in the second floor of a mall. I go, great. So I go in there, I start working out, I do my little workout, and I really do a good job. I got my blood pumping. And you know when you have inflammatory disorders, the blood pumping is magic. It just keeps everything depumped. Tell me why. I'm on my phone and I walk in to the bathroom and I go, oh, my God, that woman's in the wrong changing room. Embarrassing. So I just saw breasts and I go, oh, it's me. And I turn like a. Like a. Like a top. I freeze and turn like. Like an automated.

[Katya]

Like maybe she's got my mannequin.

[Mary]

I literally walked in. I walk in, I go. And I just walk out. And I'm. You know that scenario. If you ever go on the wrong. Well, I don't know if it's he, she, or we the. Or they, them. It was JK rolling with her tits out at the Planet Fitness.

[Katya]

That's why. That's why she's continuing. And you just gave her a lot more fuel for the fire, right? No. So what you do? Did you scream? Did she scream?

[Mary]

I didn't want to be rude, so I said, nice tits.

[Katya]

Yeah, look at those jugs.

[Mary]

No.

[Katya]

Oh, I'd like to slide my. Between those hot shirt over her head.

[Mary]

So she didn't see me either. So, like, we both. She was spared the embarrassment, and I just felt like.

[Katya]

And you gained the titillation.

[Mary]

It's not my normal gym, so I just walked in. And by the way, both bathrooms look the same, except W and M. One wicked witch. Like. Like the same letter.

[Katya]

And you were in a handstand, so you saw M. Yeah, so I just.

[Mary]

Walked out and went in the other bathroom. But also, I'm such a. I feel equally out of place in the men's room. I'm like, ladies, girl. Ladies with an attitude. Do you know what I mean?

[Katya]

Yes, I do know what you mean. I don't like any locker rooms.

[Mary]

I forgot my lock at the gym, so I had to buy a lock. The. Guess how much the Planet Fitness lock is. I got it from a vending machine in the men's room.

[Bob]

10 bucks.

[Mary]

$15.

[Bob]

Wow. Fears.

[Katya]

That's actually. That's actually not bad.

[Mary]

But it's the kind that you can make your own code And I'm telling you, at 36, we're. No, no new four number codes. I can't do it.

[Katya]

No, baby, I. I do my ATM pin on when I go to the gym because they have the ones that you just.

[Mary]

Yeah, you have to pick something, you.

[Katya]

Know, But Mary, how many times do you think I've gone down to the.

[Bob]

Front desk and say I forget which locker I had?

[Mary]

Oh, that's easy to do because it's not your lock on it. If it's your lock, you're like, that's me.

[Katya]

Yeah, but when there's no locker.

[Mary]

But that's what I mean.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Katya]

So how about once I. We checked every locker in the wrong room.

[Mary]

Fierce.

[Katya]

But then now I always take a picture.

[Mary]

You have the same with parking. We had our little Trixie cousins. No, my.

[Katya]

It tells you where the car is, Right? But it doesn't, you know? Although I do have an air tag.

[Mary]

Oh, that's nice too.

[Katya]

I could probably ding it.

[Mary]

You could ding it. Do you have the type of app that tells you where the car is? Right.

[Katya]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

Oh, great. Love that. I. I think the bubble has that. I don't know how to use it.

[Bob]

So it doesn't beep.

[Katya]

It goes, ah, nice tits. Yeah, nice jugs. I'm going to slide my. Through your tits.

[Mary]

Through the tits to. Okay.

[Bob]

This episode is sponsored by Thrive Market. Oh, Constantine, my alabaster Adonis of soy sauce and scooter exhaust. This is my tear soaked, mascara smeared, absolutely operatic breakup letter to you, the hottest delivery person in all of Los Angeles. This message is delivered not by your trembling, gorgeous hands, but by the trembling, gorgeous hands of Destiny and Thrive Market. What if one's wellness journey did not feel like a series of sacrifices? Because right now mine feels like a tragic parade of you arriving at my door with grease soaked paper bags filled with late night noodles and pad Thai, whispering enjoy, you sexy, beautiful love of curry, as violins cry out somewhere in the distance. Healthy living does not have to be boring or expensive. Because here is a scandalous little secret for you, Constantin. Thrive Market gets it. And frankly, it gets me more than you ever did. Thrive is the pinnacle of convenience. I can scan anything with their barcode scanner and instantly swap my beloved but deeply problematic Kung Pao chicken for a better for you version that still tastes like our forbidden love. Constantine, I am eating healthier and I am still experiencing the joy you once delivered, which, frankly, feels, if not illegal, exceedingly scandalous. I've also fallen into the arms of personalized shopping by my health Goal. Thrive Market lets me shop with over 90 filters including high protein, low sugar, gluten free GLP1 friendly and probably heartbreak recovery if I looked hard enough. Their AI powered cart remembers my habits so I do not have to think Thrive already knows what I like, which is devastating considering you once forgot my name and called me babe. And the ingredients. Oh Constantine, the ingredients. Thrive market bans over 600 sketchy ingredients so everything I eat feels intentional and safe. Unlike that fluorescent green sauce you once assured me was pesto, every bite now feels vetted by experts, not by a man with razor sharp Eurotrash cheekbones and a pink scooter. Thrive Market makes healthy living easier, less overwhelming, and actually enjoyable. Which is more than I can say for waiting by the door every night hoping to see your beautiful face framed by the porch light in a thermal delivery bag. So goodbye Constantine, my gorgeous ghost of General tso. Thrive Market is delivering me small, healthy swaps, trusted ingredients and a future that does not arrive dripping in sweet and sour sauce. And as I step into this new glowing, fiber rich chapter of my life, I leave you behind in a cloud of sesame oil and unresolved longing. Join Thrive Market with our link thrivemarket.com bald for 30% off your first order plus a free $60 gift. Again, that's thrivemarket.com bald this episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Hello friends. It is I, the songwriter of Auld Lang Syne. Yes, that New Year's Eve song, the one you only remember exists when it is midnight, you are holding hands with.

[Katya]

Your significant other, waiting to kiss them.

[Bob]

And someone who's ugly and single is weeping directly into their champagne fl. The New Year has come and gone and once again my other musical children have been abandoned like unwanted party hats, which frankly hurts because I have written dozens of heartfelt holiday songs just as good as Auld Lang Syne. There is my Valentine's Day classic, Be Mine Or Else I Will simply wait and possibly die alone. My Easter anthem, He is risen and so are the jelly beans and chocolate, my St. Patrick's Day jig, green beer, bad choices and springtime STDs. And let us not forget the niche masterpieces for the holidays. No one remembers to celebrate National Bagel and Lox Days, the Bad Breath of Love, National Toss, the Fruitcake Days.

[Katya]

Watch out, you idiot.

[Bob]

And National Whipped Cream Days. Get Naked and Put some Whipped Cream on your. Or my boldest work yet, which I.

[Katya]

Just wrote yesterday for this year's National Hot Pastrami Day.

[Bob]

Kiss me Please. I may be a sandwich, but I Still need love to sell these melodic treasures. I needed a proper website and Squarespace was the answer. Their design intelligence took my confused parchment based vision and turned it into a beautiful personalized site that says, this man has written too many songs about holidays, so they are heavily discounted with Squarespace payments. I sell downloads, lyric scrolls and holiday bundles in just a few clicks. With Apple Pay, Klarna and more, the money arrives faster than regrets. On January 1, I even connected my social accounts, synced my catalog and optimized my SEO so people can finally discover my heart wrenching classic. Oh, Arbor Day tree. Why can't I find a wife? Squarespace even lets me create gated premium content like my exclusive course, how to write one song and coast forever on royalties. So this year, remember me for more than that one tune. Build your next brilliant site with Squarespace. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Mary]

I went to. You know that place we went to? That, that. No, no, no. Century City Mall when we went on the meeting with our agents.

[Katya]

Oh, the one where.

[Mary]

By the way, I. I think it's okay to laugh about it now.

[Katya]

The one where they abandoned us on.

[Bob]

The side of the road.

[Katya]

We had to walk home.

[Mary]

Katie and I made this innocent joke on the pod that they all had and we had no cars, so we had to Uber home. That was the time. If you guys have been listening a long time, that was the time I was running to the Uber and I looked over my shoulder, smiling.

[Katya]

Oh, yeah, you were leaving me. Leaving Miss Smoking Robinson in the dust. I was like. So you were like Jackie Joyner Kersey. Oh, yeah, that was.

[Mary]

I was Shakari Wilson. It was awesome. I had a wig on.

[Katya]

Yeah, you didn't. Not one beat of sweat I show. I get in the car drenched, right?

[Mary]

I had. I had a wig on and popsicle sticks on the fingers. Smoking. Yeah, smoking a joint. So, by the way, we have to talk about the Olympics because it's coming to la, baby. We got to talk about three years, but it should start getting horny now. Put a clothes pin on your nipple now.

[Katya]

Well, I'm I queen, but Mary, the best seat of the Olympics is sadly at home. Of course, because the events I want to watch.

[Mary]

What?

[Katya]

I don't think you and I could.

[Mary]

Get a job commenting on the gymnastics flipping 100%. No, I think.

[Katya]

No, no, no.

[Mary]

100 they.com. you think men.com can get us in there.

[Katya]

Men dot com.

[Mary]

Of course. Gayety.

[Katya]

Do you really. Do you realize how NBC owns the Olympics? NBC.

[Mary]

So what?

[Katya]

So what? They are. Do you think NBC would let me talk sucking dick and cock at the Olympics?

[Mary]

And you did it at my birthday.

[Katya]

Yeah, and you did it at my. You did it at the event finals at women's gymnastics. Like it's, it's. They would never, they wouldn't let be near that place.

[Mary]

I would be.

[Katya]

You know, they're so conservative. Gymnastics is a very conservative sport. Very conservative.

[Mary]

I'm sorry, but they need to reach audiences and you have a loyal audience and you genuinely care about it. You can make it happen. Right now you're telling yourself it's not going to happen.

[Katya]

No, no, baby, you are being so Pollyanna right now. It's.

[Mary]

No, I'm not.

[Katya]

No, no, no. I'm telling you. Network.

[Mary]

I've been on the Tennis channel. That's different. You want to talk conservative, the tennis channel.

[Katya]

Were you doing on the tennis channel?

[Mary]

Correspondence about tennis.

[Katya]

Do you know about tennis?

[Mary]

But I like it. I'm still not sure how it's scored, but I like the outfits.

[Katya]

You're like love 50.

[Mary]

Oh, by the way, love 50. Love tennis. Love tennis actually.

[Katya]

Well, here's the thing. I actually if. If Simone's going to be there again, it's a huge like from Drag Race.

[Mary]

Yes, Simone. Cuz she's competing.

[Katya]

No, Raven Simonier. Right, right. What if Simone, Raven. Simone and Simone Biles were all tied for. No, I. The best see it in gymnastics is at home. It's one of the most popular Olympic sports. You don't want to ever go, I don't want to commentate because I, I like the sport too much and I have such a. I have too many opinions. If you listen to gymnastics commentating, it's so edited, it's so produced, it is so controlled.

[Mary]

Okay, well, it's okay, you don't have to do it.

[Katya]

No, I mean I love the idea obviously, but like I, I'm just going.

[Mary]

To keep dreaming things for you and why don't you keep aiming low?

[Katya]

Okay, but, but I would literally have to sit down and make a thesaurus for myself. Okay. Cunt means amplitude. You know what I mean? I'd have to like, I'd have to brainwash, like and, and I just wouldn't have the vernacular.

[Mary]

Use your own vernacular, girl. I would get on that microphone while people are flipping through the air. I'd be like, chad, are we cooked?

[Katya]

Like she ate that bar set.

[Mary]

Up.

[Katya]

Yeah, she shot on that beam for sure. She chewed that vault up to pieces. And all over it.

[Mary]

And all over it. Yeah.

[Katya]

Oh, she pissed on that rug.

[Mary]

On it.

[Katya]

Oh, what a flop.

[Mary]

Ooh, that stink.

[Katya]

Do you smell that? The on that beam girl.

[Mary]

Great. So what was it like going out there and on everyone?

[Katya]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

Just.

[Katya]

So did you, did you pull your.

[Bob]

Leotard to the side when you on.

[Katya]

Your competitors or just do it right through the mesh? See, that's what they don't want.

[Mary]

Did you finish? Welcome to dairy.

[Bob]

I did, I did.

[Katya]

I surely did.

[Mary]

Can I like.

[Katya]

No, I liked it.

[Mary]

Oh, okay. And just like dairy and.

[Katya]

The dairy girls.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Nicola Coughlin was a little bit underused, I felt like.

[Mary]

I agree. If you blink, you miss her.

[Katya]

Yeah. I, Bill Skarsgrd, incredible, incredible actor.

[Mary]

Thought there was some really primo child acting.

[Katya]

Oh, baby. The way that I hate children actors.

[Bob]

But these all ate down.

[Katya]

Yeah, they really did. I, I, I thought they did a great job. I just, I'm not a fan of the styling of, of Pennywise in this, in this, in the new it. I, I, I, I, I hate it.

[Mary]

It's the rap dress.

[Katya]

It's the df, the dying. The DF Draft dress and the mules.

[Mary]

The Miranda Priestly kind of get up.

[Katya]

The mother of pearl toe buckle music. The 1 inch kitten here.

[Mary]

And the bang piece.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Can we match the color?

[Bob]

A stud.

[Katya]

Can I get a dangle?

[Mary]

Hello. And pick up the. No, no.

[Katya]

Where the, where the bracelet.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

No, I, I mean, I love the, when the, you know, the, the, it.

[Mary]

Was thrilling when Pennywise became that big bat toward the end.

[Katya]

Oh, sure. Oh, that was, that was cunty. And of course the, the, the movie theater scene at the first episode was the car scene. And then.

[Bob]

Right.

[Mary]

The car scene was really scary.

[Katya]

Scene was scary. And it was a good, it was a really good, like, it was a pretty steep build up, but it was like, oh, it's like, oh.

[Mary]

Oh, yes. Oh. Oh. And then I also like, like, oh, this is the beginning of this cycle. It's Pennywise as a baby.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And then nothing was scarier. The whole season, nothing was scared to me than when they were watching the movie and their friend who's dead is in the movie, in the Music Man.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And then they all start talking to him. I'm like, okay, we're all dumb. Well, what about he's in the movie or dead.

[Katya]

What about chomp Chomp in the, with the umbilical cord?

[Mary]

That was crazy. Come to mama. The friends all Getting killed was crazy. In the movie theater.

[Katya]

Episode one.

[Mary]

Because you think these are people we're going to follow the whole season. Murdered, mom, brother, sister died.

[Katya]

You get one day use consecutive.

[Mary]

Yeah, but you can't even consecutive if it's a cousin.

[Katya]

You get 15 minutes in the break room.

[Mary]

Right. So they only take your arm off. You get the scene where. What's her name? Oh, God. The scene where she's in the supermarket and gets lost and her dad's pickles.

[Katya]

Baby pickle surprise.

[Mary]

Yeah, she really ate it up.

[Katya]

Yeah, she was. She did. She was stressed. She was the stress factor.

[Mary]

And she really like this super spoilers. Where the white supremacists, under the influence of Pennywise, of course, burned down the. The black clubhouse. The black spot. That was scary when.

[Katya]

That was scary when he.

[Mary]

When he dies. Yeah, that's scary.

[Katya]

I kid him.

[Mary]

Oh, the kid dies. Awful.

[Katya]

And she's. He's on the thing and she's. I was losing it because that little kid was so good.

[Mary]

Yeah, he was great.

[Katya]

He was so what? I mean, he's gonna be a superstar. Yeah, he was so what? Like a. I don't like precocious kids. That kid was so funny and so good. It was the saddest thing in the world.

[Mary]

These kid actors are. The girl plays Marge when she's chopping her eye with the saw. Yeah, those kids are acting. Yeah.

[Katya]

And she was.

[Mary]

She was scary. She was in love with. And then she's revealed to be the mom of.

[Katya]

Yeah. And also I thought he was going.

[Bob]

To come back for real from the dead. But he did come back.

[Mary]

It did. Yeah. The finger to Pennywise was fun. Yeah, it was great. I loved it. The guy who plays the young Dick Halloran was so good. Yes. Love that.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Katya]

The. What else was like. Oh, Mary. Well, you know what, though? Some of the. Some of the. This, the CGI monsters like that old. That's me in the forest. Remember me in the forest chasing the cave. Yeah, we love that. Yeah, that was a little too close to home.

[Mary]

I also. I didn't love him as a. As a good Pennywise fan. I love Stephen King. The Deadlights are scary.

[Katya]

I. I loved that when the girl.

[Mary]

In the clown outfit is floating.

[Katya]

Oh, baby.

[Bob]

The procession, the. All the kids floating cty.

[Mary]

The tuba.

[Katya]

That should be Gay Pride event.

[Mary]

When he deadlights the whole school that was operating the principal like a puppet.

[Katya]

Spears. Scary spears.

[Mary]

And honestly.

[Katya]

And then he throws him.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

Rips his head up or something.

[Mary]

Very good kid actors. So you really care what's going to happen.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

I really thought Ronnie was going to die.

[Katya]

Which one's Ronnie?

[Mary]

The girl whose dad is being wrongly wrongfully convicted for murder.

[Katya]

Oh, no, no.

[Mary]

I really thought she was going to die, and I was scared, Mary.

[Katya]

I just. I hate Pennywise's costume, and I hate the hair and I hate the buck teeth.

[Mary]

So, as a clown, do you think he should be dressed kind of like a hot dog or what?

[Katya]

No, I think he should be like Katy Perry's Met Gal outfit.

[Bob]

A cheeseburger.

[Katya]

And if he really wants to scare people, put some mustard on it.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

No, no. I think, like, I love the Tim Curry. I love the classic clown look, because I think that's more creepy.

[Mary]

But, you know, the young kids right now on the Twitter and the TikTok, they're sharing those 90s miniseries clips and going, y' all really think this is better than they. They don't live for it, Mary, but.

[Katya]

It'S a different kind of living. It's. It's. There's a depth to it because he's funny, too.

[Mary]

Yeah, he's. He's scary.

[Katya]

He's scary because he's real. Like, it's a real clown.

[Mary]

It feels realer.

[Bob]

He does.

[Katya]

There's nothing real about this Pennywise. Yeah, he's.

[Bob]

He's a.

[Katya]

He's a super, super monster. Whether the. You know, regardless of the backstory and.

[Mary]

We'Re experiencing that thing. I forget what they're calling it, but the thing where it's like, every movie looks like a Lord of the Rings movie. Everything is so post.

[Katya]

Everything is what?

[Mary]

Like a Lord of the Rings movie. Everything's in post.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Mary]

The miniseries, everything's like a lot of practical effects.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

The miniseries is a very different.

[Mary]

The deadlights are conti, though, the head opening up.

[Katya]

Oh.

[Mary]

With the teeth.

[Katya]

And the love that Madeline Stowe as Sherry. Not Sherry Pie.

[Mary]

Sherry buying. Sherry buying.

[Katya]

Penny. Who. What is their name?

[Mary]

Queen.

[Katya]

Queen Periwinkle.

[Mary]

Thank you. Genuine.

[Katya]

I had the syllables right. Tony Braxton. Right.

[Mary]

Where she's. She's kind of. She's kind of chasing her dead dad.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And she kind of knows Pennywise isn't her dad.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And then she's still horny for it.

[Katya]

And then Pennywise lobs that dude's head half off.

[Bob]

Love.

[Mary]

Oh, love. When he finally. Pennywise bites the head off. The general deserved it.

[Katya]

Oh, yeah. Also, I like. I loved it when he was eating the.

[Bob]

The thing.

[Katya]

He was like, do I have face on my face?

[Mary]

Yeah, it was kind of. I also really thought of you. Well, Also, a bunch of people during a hate crime, being trapped in a fire was fudgeing. Scary.

[Katya]

It gave me.

[Mary]

Terrifying.

[Katya]

It gave me, like, what, it gave me Lovecraft country vibes or something. Yeah, it was so.

[Mary]

It was graphic.

[Katya]

Just tragic.

[Mary]

Scary, sad, horrible. I also thought of you, the scene where Bob Gray, when it's like the, the real clown.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Is outside with the makeup, smoking.

[Katya]

Oh, that's me. And, baby, you know I'm going to the woods.

[Mary]

Born in the game. I know you're going to the woods.

[Katya]

I live in those woods.

[Mary]

You live in the woods?

[Katya]

Yeah, I, I, But I still, Again, I like. No, it is. Bill Skarsgard is a very, very talented actor, but I just, I really, really hated the styling. It's too baroque. It's too rococo. It's like, it's like, it's just, like, too much.

[Mary]

You're mad.

[Katya]

I'm, I'm pissed.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

And I, I, I don't, I don't think I can go on. Okay. What else did you watch?

[Mary]

Oh, well, I'm excited because I thought Thousand Pound Sisters was canceled, but now it's coming back, so I'm flipping out because I like to follow that. And I'm still waiting for the new season of Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Life After Lockup.

[Sponsor/Advertisement Voice]

Oh.

[Katya]

So Prestige tv.

[Mary]

I've been watching Love After Lockup, which is about people getting out of jail and they get to reunite with someone they met in jail. Like, oh, a lot of people in jail have girlfriends or boyfriends outside of jail. What do you think that is? People who want relationships.

[Katya]

Oh, they.

[Mary]

Inmates. They want pen pal relationship with inmates. You want it?

[Katya]

Yeah, because I know I'll be an inmate at some point.

[Mary]

Do you think it's a comfort of the proximity? Like, it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to become more. Because it gets to be long, longer.

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Katya]

I mean, I love, I think pen pals are. I had a pen pal, French one.

[Mary]

I'm okay with a penal, but I still want to be able to put the dick in my mouth.

[Katya]

Oh, I see. But that's a dick pal.

[Mary]

A sexless relationship.

[Katya]

Well, I think it's probably an issue of, like, it's flirting with danger without imminent, you know, it's like, oh, my God, yes, my. Yeah, my boyfriend's on death row because he murdered 16 people. But we have great correspondence.

[Mary]

Where are the people jerking their paninus? In jail, there's no privacy. Just everywhere.

[Katya]

Are you, Are you kidding me? Do you how many. You know, how Much bumping and grinding.

[Bob]

There's going on in jail.

[Katya]

That's the only thing they're doing in there, really. They're lifting weights and they're fucking.

[Mary]

Somebody tried to fight. What are you nuts?

[Katya]

Wait, wait.

[Mary]

What? What? I just went to, like the violence of jail. And then I went to something that had happened yesterday. I was running on Hollywood Boulevard because I've been feeling better, so I've been jogging.

[Katya]

Somebody tried to fight you.

[Mary]

And when you're running and people are walking, I noticed sometimes they get scared when they hear running coming up from behind them.

[Katya]

But don't you. As a runner, aren't you very aware?

[Mary]

Oh, I'm going around. I was not even close to him. Yeah. He turned around and started calling me a lot of race, racial names and then said he was going to beat me up and started following me. So I just ran further. Ran more. You're my headphones.

[Bob]

You're joking.

[Mary]

Why would I joke?

[Katya]

Why would he call.

[Bob]

What slurred would he call you?

[Mary]

N word.

[Katya]

Okay.

[Mary]

What? I think he was a little crazy.

[Katya]

Oh, you think?

[Mary]

But he scared me and I was.

[Katya]

Like, girl, I got Kelly Clarkson in here.

[Mary]

I'm. I'm. I'm running Kelly Clarkson. Daylight Hoka on Hollywood Boulevard. There's people everywhere. Yeah. It's not like I jumped out of a bush. Yeah.

[Katya]

Oh, I got called a. Oh, I got called fiercely. A faggot. It was actually exhilarating, this queen. It was. I was, was. I. I was in my car and these kids, it was kind of diabolical.

[Mary]

They really.

[Katya]

They really zeroed in on me and clocked my tea so fiercely and just went like, dead.

[Mary]

Faggot. A kid. Two kids. How old?

[Katya]

Probably like 35 now. Like 16, 17.

[Bob]

Teenagers.

[Mary]

They were in a car or what?

[Katya]

No, they were on. They were on the street and they.

[Mary]

Just yelled faggot at you.

[Katya]

They were like zeroed in, like laser pointer to the forehead. Faggot.

[Mary]

And can I just say, too, I.

[Katya]

Was like, the thing is, it doesn't.

[Mary]

Hit the way you think it hits because I know. Yeah. It's like, oh, what are you talking about? Wait.

[Katya]

Oh, I've known that since 12.

[Mary]

And.

[Katya]

Yeah. And then what? Faggot.

[Mary]

You're welcome.

[Katya]

Yeah. Like, what's. What's the next thing? When Andrew and I got gay bashed in West Hollywood at the corner of Sunset and Laurel, the gayest corner in the world.

[Mary]

I would gay bash Andrew, but we.

[Katya]

Were walking and some guy in a truck just screams faggot at us. And we're like, we're like.

[Mary]

It was. It was exhilarating in West Hollywood. You're gonna yell faggot.

[Katya]

I was like, mary, you are the minority. Maybe that's why there's. If they. They feel the need to assert their.

[Bob]

Whatever.

[Mary]

Yeah. And I'm not saying we should skip to violence, but I'm saying, like, it doesn't hit the way you think it hits.

[Bob]

No.

[Katya]

Well, it doesn't.

[Mary]

You're actually gay. It's like, who.

[Katya]

Well, that gets. Let's get back to heated rye rolling.

[Bob]

Hear that? That is not merely a can opening. That is the crack of a ceremonial gavel. That is history fizzing. That is the triumphant overture of dry January beginning beneath a cascade of bubbles.

[Katya]

As I open a can of Shirley.

[Bob]

Temple flavored Olipop directly into this microphone and into destiny itself. This January, I am hosting a Shirley Temple party of such grandeur. In it could require a seating chart and even possibly a flag ceremony. Not to honor her acting career, though. Her curls were radiant and her spirit indomitable. No, this celebration is diplomatic. This is a gala in honor of Shirley Temple, United States ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia, an icon of American optimism, international cooperation, and incandescent competence in these treacherous diplomatic times. We will toast the idea of global unity with crystal glasses full of ice, glowing red cherries, and the most glorious mocktail ever reimagined because Olipop has released their brand new limited edition Shirley Temple flavor. And it is the stuff of legend. It's the classic you remember, but brighter, bolder, more resplendent, and made with a functional ingredient blend that supports digestive health. This is soda reborn. This is soda with purpose. This is soda that stands in elegant opposition to traditional soda, which had their time and now must respectfully step aside. Olipop is reimagining soda with high fiber and low sugar, proving that dry January does not have to feel like exile. It can feel like a parade. So I lift my glass to Shirley Temple, the diplomat, to the actor, to dry January and to Olipop for creating a soda that supports digestive health while making me feel like a jubilant ambassador to my own kitchen. Long live the fizz. Long live the cherry. Long live the Shirley Temple. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in store and we'll pay you back for one. Works on any flavor. Any retailer. Head to drinkollipop.com Bald Olipop is sold online. Drinkolipop.com and available in the soda aisle and with the chilled beverages at Thousands of retailers nationwide, including Walmart and Target. This episode is sponsored by Rakuten. It is mid January, the tree is dry, the stockings are empty, and I suddenly remember I forgot to buy Christmas presents for several family members I do not particularly care for. I was at my lowest. A person who could not shop, could not save, could not be trusted with a browser tab. And then, like a shopping phoenix rising from the ash of my own incompetence, I discovered Rakuten. Rakuten became my secret weapon. I poked around the platform, blinking in disbelief because there were so many stores. Fashion, beauty, home decor, groceries, even random things like school supplies I do not need, but absolutely bought anyway because I need a three ring binder and colored pencils for my 2026 plans. Rule the world. And every time I shopped, I earned cash back at my favorite stores. Real savings, actual money. The kind that stacks on top of sales, which means savings on savings. In one instance, I got 20% off at a store plus 15% cash back from Rakuten. 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Go to Ro Co Bald for your free insurance check. That's Ro Co Bald. To see if your insurance covers GLP1s for free. Go to Ro Co Safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications.

[Katya]

So I. There's a lot of hate. There's a lot of people. There's a funny tweet. It's like you love a show, you go on Twitter and people will just hate it. You know what I mean? It's like they'll hate you for loving.

[Bob]

A show on Twitter.

[Mary]

Also, no one hates something like people who love it. Drag Race fans who, like, hate hate Drag Race hate. The producers hate RuPaul.

[Katya]

But this is different though, because they're not even watching it. They're like, these are just gay guys who are like, fuck that. They're just allergic to joy. They hate love and they don't want romance or tenderness or beautiful lighting or big butts or interesting storylines or whatever. And that's fine. If you want your AIDS and your death and your meth, go ahead. But like, I don't want to watch the Normal heart. I don't want to watch in the Band played on.

[Bob]

I've seen it.

[Katya]

It's traumatizing. I want an MM Fujoshi romance where nobody dies. And every. Like, if I were 14, 15, 16, and a budding queen, I would not like. I cannot take it for granted how fierce that would be.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Mary, this is like a gay thing. That's actually, like. It's. I.

[Mary]

Maybe that's why people like Heartstopper.

[Katya]

Of course that's why. Yeah. Because it's wholesome.

[Mary]

But I think Heartstopper was lacking the gay porn that the straight women.

[Katya]

No, no, no, no, no. This is. That's. Those are children. Those are children. These are athletes who are in their twenties.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

That was. That was high schoolers.

[Mary]

So, you know, but It's Netflix. They're 45.

[Katya]

Well, they got a lite.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

You know, but this is like they're the. Like, I. I feel so bad about objectifying their butts, but there were so many times where I was like, I had a boner. And then I would just cry, cry, cry, cry.

[Mary]

That's good, though. It's good to cry.

[Katya]

Oh, I love. I love crying.

[Mary]

I feel great after I cry.

[Katya]

I love crying.

[Bob]

I told you.

[Katya]

I was on the plane watching ghosts.

[Bob]

And I had to.

[Katya]

I had to close the laptop because my ghost.

[Mary]

Will you up, girl.

[Katya]

She was getting a concern. The woman next to me, she was getting really nervous and I didn't want to, like, I didn't want to be like. I didn't even get to the bank scene.

[Mary]

In the spirit of saying the wrong things to celebrities. Continued.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

At Vanderpump's Dog Yellow, which I do every year. Lovely.

[Katya]

Cause you know you can't talk to dogs, right? They don't listen.

[Mary]

I know, but I go and I say, and I always. We do like, you know, the motel or someone. We give something for an auction. I won something. I just wanted to participate. No, I wanted to participate in the charity. And they do like an auction and I won something.

[Katya]

What did you win?

[Mary]

I forgot.

[Katya]

An all exception.

[Mary]

Oh, it's a trip to like a trip to Vegas.

[Katya]

Jamaica.

[Mary]

It's a trip to Vegas to see like a Cirque show. Oh, I think that maybe you.

[Katya]

Have you not seen it?

[Mary]

Well, I bid on it because I wanted to do, you know, be a good guest and. And. But have you money?

[Katya]

Have you seen.

[Mary]

Oh, no.

[Katya]

You have to go.

[Mary]

I think that's what I'm going to. I don't know. But. And I got a two night stay somewhere and so. Lovely, lovely, lovely. And then somebody else was trying to bid against me and I was in Dragon. I stood up and said, don't even try it.

[Katya]

You don't have it.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Mary]

Then they stopped bidding.

[Katya]

Yeah, and then you punched him in the face.

[Mary]

I got a pretty good deal.

[Katya]

You gotta go see. Oh, I'm telling you, it's so incredible.

[Mary]

Maybe that's the one I'm going to.

[Katya]

I don't know anything besides the Michael Jackson one or the Beatles one.

[Mary]

Okay, so then. Oh, Garcelle. Do you know Garcelle Bovet? Yes.

[Katya]

I don't know why I know that name.

[Mary]

Yes. So she is.

[Katya]

She's an actress.

[Mary]

Yes. She wasn't Survival the Thickest. Do you remember we watched that on Netflix. So she's also been in everything and she was a hard choice. Yeah, she's gorgeous. So we're. She's at the table too. And we're sitting and chatting, chatting, chatting, chatting. And I just was trying to make conversation because I don't know. And I go, so Garcelle, I was like, we've met a few times. But you know, I'm trying to make conversation. And I go do. Well, one time we shared. We shared a car to the airport once, leaving an event, she and I, and It was at 4 in the morning. So she and I were like going to the airport at 4.

[Bob]

You're trauma bonded.

[Mary]

Awful. Yeah. And I go, have you ever done drag race? You know, I said, I wonder if you've done. Because you know, like Lisa Randall, the Housewives had done drag. I said, I've ever done drag race? And she said like, yeah, I did. I did do drag race. And I go, oh, what season? That's so crazy. Looked it up. All Stars. She was there. What's. Do you have a new year, new vibe?

[Katya]

I do eat more ass.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Katya]

No, I have it. Yeah. No more. I'm throwing away my moisture readers and then I am going to anxiety inducing moisture. No more moisture readers. I'm not doing it. I'm not a contractor.

[Bob]

I'm not a mold expert.

[Katya]

I'm not a remediation technician. I'm not a carpenter.

[Mary]

Well, it's a little like going to the doctor and then telling him what you googled.

[Katya]

It's going to the doctor bringing a stethoscope.

[Mary]

But you know what? No, I feel both ways about it because on one hand it's like, I don't want to tell the doctor that I googled something. On the other hand. But of course, doctors 99 of the time will send you home saying there's nothing wrong with you. I don't know. You could be shooting blood out of your face. And they're like, have you been sleeping okay?

[Katya]

Yeah. It's like, did you eat a banana today?

[Mary]

So sometimes you do have to, like.

[Katya]

I don't know, go down a WebMD rabbit hole.

[Mary]

What do they call it? Being your own advocate or health advocate.

[Katya]

Yeah, but. Or just eschewing eight years of higher learning and, you know, I think it's okay to contribute. It's Doing research is never a bad thing as long as you're doing it diligently and not just like saying Gemini. Hi, I have this. But the. The doctor. Mary, I gotta go to the dentist.

[Mary]

Go to Dr. Sun.

[Katya]

I think I'm gonna have to, because I can't have those. I can't have those F words. Indiana Jones. My mouth again.

[Mary]

What do you mean?

[Katya]

I mean that they take a pickaxe.

[Mary]

Dr. Sun's really good and she's really.

[Katya]

Nice and did she have a gentle. Is she gonna.

[Mary]

Very kind. She's attack me apart. She knows she's trying to kill me. Thing you could ever know about teeth.

[Katya]

I got to go back to the Russian guy with brown teeth who smokes before he sees me because cleaning is really important. He says, you have the most beautiful teeth ever seen in my life. As he blew smoke into my face and like, flashes fear. I was like, yeah, love that. He's like, you have nothing wrong. Get out of here. Of course.

[Mary]

What.

[Katya]

I don't.

[Mary]

What about every pelvic floor therapist trying to put a finger in my butt?

[Katya]

That's assault.

[Mary]

Apparently what they do is put the fingers up there and they feel for you and try to train you to relax everything because they're like, you're tense. We can feel it. Because we all carry too much tension. Apparently it's really common.

[Katya]

You know, it's Mula Bunda. You gotta. You gotta. You gotta get into some shishumna nadi, the Central channel. I think you get. I think you need to get a little woo woo. No, no, you don't need to.

[Mary]

I've been woo woo. I've been woo wooed out.

[Katya]

But like, no, no, no, no.

[Mary]

I'm Wu Tang Clan.

[Katya]

But like the. So the.

[Mary]

I.

[Katya]

There's Richard Freeman. Was this, like, a really good yoga teacher. Is, like, very well respected and has a very interesting way of talking about the body. He's like, he talks about getting the PC muscle online and, like, he uses.

[Bob]

A lot of the computer metaphors for.

[Katya]

Like, activating the different, like, deep, deep muscle groups in the pelvic floor. You got to Go to one of his workshops and do the yoga.

[Mary]

Yeah, that's what I'm having to do. Woo woo.

[Katya]

It's not. It's like woo woo. But it's not like. It's not snake oil.

[Bob]

There's actually.

[Mary]

I don't think woowoo means snake oil.

[Katya]

Woo does often imply includes snake oil or snake oil is a part of the woo woo. Bless you. But like.

[Bob]

Third.

[Mary]

Wait.

[Katya]

So, okay, two things. I got three goals. You asked me. 20, 26. I got three goals.

[Bob]

Center split number one.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Katya]

I'm working diligently at it. I'm making very, very little progress. Every day I stretch and try to do it.

[Bob]

Second goal.

[Mary]

Every day I wake up and wish you were dead.

[Katya]

Is that from Marriage Story?

[Mary]

Adam Driver.

[Katya]

So much drama.

[Bob]

Too much drama.

[Mary]

It's fierce.

[Katya]

Girl. Take an Ativan, go for a walk. Break up, Have a. Have a milkshake. Yeah. Break up, break up.

[Bob]

Have a nice turmeric. Julius from Squirrel.

[Katya]

So wait, anyways, I got center split number one by the end of the year. Then I want to fucking Uber driver consensually.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

And then I also want to fucking Uber eats driver.

[Bob]

I was talking to Bob about it.

[Katya]

He gave me a great strategy. It was. It was actually really compelling. It was really compelling. But I don't do UberEats, so it's.

[Mary]

That's.

[Katya]

It's got to be grubhub. And I don't know about that.

[Mary]

I'd be careful. Pushing yourself on the people bringing you food.

[Katya]

It's not pushing. And I'm. And I'm the opposite of a pusher. That's why I haven't done any of this stuff. But so I often get Russian speaking Uber drivers. It's like almost four out of five.

[Mary]

How'd you meet the guy who's asked you? Eight. Grinder.

[Katya]

Grinder?

[Mary]

Yeah. Is it everybody just talking to you because you're Katya?

[Katya]

No, I. He knew who I was, but it wasn't. He wasn't weird about it.

[Mary]

Grindr was cooked for me because everybody's just.

[Katya]

No, it's not cooked for me anymore because, like, a lot of you know. I know. Seriously, I don't want to be any more famous than I am now.

[Mary]

And you won't. You won't.

[Katya]

Like, I love like you, mama. You rise. You go, go, girl. Get up there, girl. I love girl.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. Girl, you.

[Katya]

Oh, I see you, girl.

[Mary]

Oh, my God.

[Katya]

I can't even see you.

[Mary]

Oh, my God. That.

[Katya]

That, like you're in the hot air balloon.

[Mary]

Meme where they're swerving in. The car's floating. That's me. Is.

[Katya]

I'm the little girl with the balloon. And you're like, way up, but. Yeah. No, I grew up.

[Bob]

I don't want to.

[Mary]

That.

[Katya]

I don't want.

[Mary]

Can I tell you.

[Katya]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Third goal. I said it.

[Mary]

Mine is just to take better care of myself. Relax. And to relax, you need.

[Katya]

You need to get the PC muscle online.

[Mary]

I'm doing. I'm gonna be doing sleeping. I'm gonna be doing therapy. I'm gonna be doing water drinking, meditation, exercising. Meditation. Deep relaxation techniques.

[Katya]

Meditation. And then you gotta.

[Mary]

Oh.

[Katya]

Oh, no. The Bible. The Bible. Don't you dare read the Power of Now.

[Mary]

Okay?

[Katya]

Don't do it. You'll hate it. I'm trying to do that reverse psychology thing. Is it working?

[Mary]

I think out of anybody, you are in a place to give people life advice.

[Katya]

No, I'm not giving you advice. Don't you dare read it.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Katya]

No.

[Mary]

Something happened to your brain when that Ranalo fell on your head.

[Katya]

Do you think that was the thing? But something, probably the antelope, fell on.

[Mary]

My head, and now I can speak Cantonese.

[Katya]

No. I woke up with a foreign accent syndrome.

[Mary]

Isn't that crazy?

[Katya]

It's not real, by the way.

[Mary]

What?

[Katya]

It is absolutely not real.

[Mary]

Who's bacon?

[Katya]

All of them. I woke up speaking in a Chinese accent, and I'm from Melbourne.

[Mary]

Mama, you're mentally ill. Yeah, it's fierce.

[Katya]

Yeah, it's like.

[Mary]

Mine would be so low. It would be like, oh, I, I, I went to bed with a Milwaukee accent and woke up with a Green Bay accent.

[Katya]

It would be like, Yeah, I went from. I went from, like, Southie to Dorchester.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mary]

For the first time ever, there's been a truly beautiful medical breakthrough. One shot makes you hot, but with terrifying consequences. In the new original series, FX is the Beauty. The glamorous world of supermodels turns deadly as mysterious deaths draw in FBI agents and a shadowy billionaire who will stop at nothing to protect his empire from executive producer Ryan Murphy. FX is the Beauty. Premieres January 21st on FX. Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. I have to tell you what happened at the TikTok Awards.

[Katya]

Nothing good. I'm gonna go out a wild limb and say that nothing good happened at the TikTok. Were people kicking shoes?

[Mary]

I looked incredible.

[Katya]

Were people kicking shoes?

[Mary]

No, I didn't see that.

[Bob]

Were you doing.

[Katya]

Were you in the TV dress?

[Mary]

Yes.

[Katya]

That was cunty.

[Mary]

How did you remember the dress? And forget the aphasia of me.

[Katya]

Aphasia.

[Mary]

Aphasia Barino. No. Yes.

[Katya]

The tv. I. I have. I have social media, and I do check it from time to time.

[Mary]

And I got these two dancers, Go go dancers. And I've done something Go go dancers never experienced, which is cover their bodies and their face.

[Katya]

Did you use the helmets?

[Mary]

TV helmets? No, these were different helmets Jacob made. These are TVs. So we do the red carpet. Lovely, lovely, lovely. All of these interviewers who want to interview me have no key light. They're just overhead light asking you questions. It's like, what the Are any of you doing? I forget who talked to me. Somebody was like, what's the biggest faux pas? The Tick Tock Awards, whatever. And I said, not having a light.

[Katya]

Next or kicking a shoe and having it not transition.

[Mary]

Take a shoe, but have it have a light on.

[Katya]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

Kicking a shoe in the door.

[Katya]

You got to see the shoe turn into an outfit, right? It's. Oh, God.

[Mary]

So I do little red carpet and then I get to present. And get this. This was fierce. The show starts at 7. I'm set to present at 7:05, and then I can leave.

[Katya]

That's horny. Did you get bricked? Bricked Brick. Yeah. As you're leaving the stage, you're like, oh, I get a hold behind my. Oh, no, it was at six.

[Mary]

The show's at six. So 5:30, I'm there, I have one little glass of wine because, you know, I quit drinking.

[Katya]

Did they. And did they shut you out of the red carpet?

[Mary]

No, not this time. They couldn't stop me and everyone. And you know, it's the Tick Tock Awards. And I was like, these online creator award shows. Yeah, it is a little bit first time out of the house for these people.

[Katya]

You don't say.

[Mary]

You know what I mean?

[Katya]

I think I've been in the stream.

[Mary]

Yeah, it's very.

[Katya]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's very. Where the shoe. I need to kick a shoe.

[Mary]

Right? I need Kathy Griffin. I need to speak to a gay person. I need to speak to a gay person. So I'm back. So they come get me at 5:40 because they want me to be ready for 6:05. I'm like, sure. So I sit backstage. I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting, talking to these lovely couple who won the Bachelor. Talking to them about being on the Bachelor. It was interesting to hear them talk about dating and just like a drag race. They take their phones and stuff. Yeah, we're all sitting back there And I'm in drag and I don't know, I don't. I'm like I said, I'm not really drinking, so I'm just having wine and tequila.

[Katya]

So I'm just doing coke.

[Mary]

Yeah. So I'm backstage just waiting and dragging.

[Katya]

Powder on the menu.

[Mary]

And I look great. You know, some days with your makeup, you just lock in.

[Katya]

I looked great.

[Mary]

I don't know what did.

[Katya]

It looked great. You look fabulous.

[Mary]

And they go, we're holding, we're holding. And then they come back and they go, all of the screens are out on stage for the Tik Tok Awards. Every screen is out. And so we're holding. And so me and some of the creators that go first, like Mikey the rapper with the bucket hat, of course. And then Ashby. Do you know her? She's a comic.

[Bob]

Absolutely.

[Mary]

So we're all just sitting there talking, talking, talking, and we're waiting, and suddenly it's 650. We're still all waiting. And the creators, everybody nominated and everybody invited is seated out there. 50 minutes. And I've worked at this venue. Not good air conditioning. Not good air conditioning.

[Katya]

But what are they doing? If they. Are they on TikTok?

[Mary]

They're just sitting.

[Katya]

Just sitting.

[Mary]

They're sitting, they're sitting. And I only know the beauty people, really. So I can see the beauty people peppered in.

[Katya]

Anybody kicking shoes?

[Mary]

Nobody's kicking shoes.

[Katya]

Do they do that anymore? Do they do this anymore?

[Mary]

I don't know.

[Katya]

You know, like, no.

[Mary]

Now it's the. Come with me to try the viral shit sandwich. Like, you know, today.

[Katya]

Okay, Take this. This is a new thing. I don't like fit. Outfit is not a hard word. It just. It's not like a long word. And it also.

[Mary]

Mary, there. I'll clock the fit. At least make it something good.

[Katya]

Honey girl, that outfit doesn't fit. And it looks like shit.

[Mary]

Yeah, but like check the fit.

[Katya]

Check like outfit of the day. I get acronym, whatever. That's fine. This nice fit.

[Mary]

I don't.

[Katya]

I don't like it.

[Bob]

I don't want it.

[Katya]

And I think it's stupid. It's like. It's like. You don't have to abbreviate a two syllable word.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

Especially when it. When it is so perfectly describes exactly what you're talking about.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

There's no ambiguity there.

[Mary]

So what we had to do was they come back there, oh, you're gonna love this. And I'm like in a weirdly good mood. And you know, sometimes when you're driving, you're a good mood. You're like, let's just roll with it. How fun, right?

[Katya]

No.

[Mary]

The only drag queen somewhere.

[Katya]

I'm like, and you looked great.

[Mary]

And straight people always are going to treat me like I'm a paid party favor, so I might as well try to be in character and, like, enjoy myself. It's like, very. But I'm determined to enjoy. And we're running behind and, you know, all these straight people with their hair and makeup teams. Straight, straight, straight celebrities being inconvenienced. This is World War 4, right?

[Katya]

This is the worst. This is. They're so shocked and betrayed.

[Mary]

Shocked and betrayed. Right now. You did it at my birthday party. So they come back, this woman comes back with a headset on. She goes, all right, everybody, presenters, what we're gonna do in five minutes, we're, you know, rain or shine, we're just gonna start. So unless it gets fixed, we are just going to be presenting without the screens. And then in the live feed, they'll throw to video packages in the edit. So we won't have the. We won't be able to go. And the nominees are. And have the screen behind us. They're just gonna throw to it. Fine. Because all these influences are trapped, right? And this is the one hour a year they've left the house. Yes. Right. They're freaking out. They're stimming. They have the fidget toys. They're freaking three babes up their ass entirely. So I go. They go, yeah, we're just having problems with the live feed. And I go, oh, question. She goes, yes. I go, I have my phone here and my iPhone. It's an iPhone 16. It has TikTok. Did you guys want to use my TikTok? I thought this was hilarious to suggest something not helpful in earnest. And I'm in drag. Like, if you want, I have it plugged in. I'm at like 8, 18. And if we start now, I have the battery. She goes, what? And I said, oh, so I have my iPhone here. It's this iPhone 16. And I have the Tik Tok app. And what we could do is we could live stream it from my Tik Tok.

[Katya]

I have 18% and I have.

[Mary]

I have three point. I have 4.2 million followers. So I could do that for you.

[Katya]

And I have, like two bars back there, probably three out there.

[Mary]

And I said, and she borrowed me her phone charger, and she borrowed me. Oh, I think it was Paris H. Hilton's team. I had my phone charged into their. I said, they Borrowed me.

[Katya]

Like, I've got this extension cord in my bag in my car.

[Mary]

And I said, did you want to use my iPhone? No one in the room laughs. Mary, that's like 20.

[Katya]

That's social media influencer.

[Mary]

She doesn't laugh. Of course she doesn't laugh, because it was the type of thing where she's. People are about to get fired.

[Katya]

She's stressed out.

[Mary]

Yeah. And I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And I'm what, bimbo clown?

[Katya]

You're throwing shoes up here. Nobody's kicking them.

[Mary]

It's not my. It's not my ministry. It's not my zoo. Yeah.

[Katya]

Not your zoo.

[Bob]

Not your circus.

[Katya]

Not your monkeys.

[Mary]

Not my monkeys. Yeah. So not my snakes. Not my church. Not my snake church.

[Katya]

Not my strict nine.

[Bob]

Not my church.

[Katya]

We're gonna get back to my.

[Mary]

Not my ammo. Not my. Not my ammo. Not my emo. It's not my Emil. Not my.

[Katya]

Not my bath house. Not my girl. Not my gum. Dumb girl. Oh, bath house.

[Mary]

Bath house. So I go, did you want to use mine? And she says nothing. And the room says, all my friends. I'm like, hello, people from the Bachelor. I thought we were. I thought we were my friends now can no one laugh? No one laughs. She goes, no, it's okay. And walks out. And I go. I turn to the room, I go, I tried.

[Bob]

Wow.

[Katya]

Love the humor at TikTok. Is really unreal.

[Mary]

What are we gonna do? It's 50 minutes. There's no air conditioning here. And I know that because I did sell a pink disco there and almost died. So I know it's hot when you're.

[Katya]

Kicking shoes, you're using a lot of energy, Right? Energy expenditure produces sweat.

[Mary]

And mind you, I'm not drinking, so I'm having tequila, neat. You know.

[Katya]

You'Re just doing acid, right?

[Mary]

You just. And I was told at 605 I would be in a car, so it was like, you know, the Tick Tock Awards will flop.

[Katya]

The Flip Flop Awards.

[Mary]

I. I know you get this. When I'm in drag, I just can't go sit and watch something. No.

[Katya]

I'm sitting and talking to an audience.

[Mary]

So it's like, I'll present or do the red carpet, but I actually can't sit through an award thing.

[Katya]

I wouldn't do a red carpet.

[Mary]

I can't.

[Bob]

Not with the skin.

[Katya]

Not with my chicken neck.

[Mary]

I can't.

[Bob]

No.

[Mary]

And in a city. In a city where no one goes up to anybody. Something about drag. Oh, that's tacky. That's really tacky.

[Katya]

TikTok Awards.

[Mary]

It was fine. It was fine. It was still fun. Good lighting.

[Katya]

Well, you're in a great mood because you looked fabulous.

[Mary]

Oh, I know.

[Katya]

I walked up to the microphone, right?

[Mary]

Yeah. I walked out and I said, thank you all for being here and thank you for being on time. Kind of funny, fun stuff.

[Katya]

Yeah, yeah. The iPhone bit, that's. That's funny.

[Mary]

Oh. And then I said, it's comedy. If you guys don't know me, I'm Jennifer Coolidge. I love a nice little icebreaker.

[Katya]

Oh, like, so when I. At the stream is when I said I was Charlize Theron. Crickets.

[Mary]

No one said anything.

[Katya]

Crickets. Of course, I also didn't present what.

[Bob]

I was supposed to do, but do.

[Mary]

You know who else was. Who opened? Do you know Lala from, like, mtv? She hosts all the different stuff. Lala Anthony, I believe her name is. And you know when you're in drag, you have more nerve to say hi to someone. So I was like, I'm gonna go say hi. And I go, oh, my God, Lala, I've seen. You've been on my television my whole life. I said, I've seen you in so many things. You look beautiful. Your glam team. I always compliment the glam team if they're there, because the glam teams get these whores together, girl. The makeup and the hair, she looked amazing.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And I'm like, so cool. Oh, yeah, the TikTok Award is fun. So what have you been up to? Oh, that's great. Gay Pa comes this close to me and goes, we need everybody out of this area now. Like, I just. I run. I run.

[Katya]

You take her person.

[Mary]

And then surely enough, as soon as I get out of frame, a live feed starts and they actually start something. So I think I was actually just walking onto, like, a hot set. And luckily, I'm not such a bitch that I'm like, no, tell me where to go. I just ran.

[Katya]

That smells so bad.

[Mary]

We gotta go, we gotta wrap.

[Katya]

Because not only are we done, but there is a dog farting in the.

[Mary]

Studio and it's turning me on during my Lala story. I'm sorry, Lala. Bye.

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