The Squirtle Spurtle with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

Episode: The Squirtle Spurtle
Release Date: March 17, 2026

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Overview

This episode finds drag queens, comedians, and cultural icons Trixie and Katya (joined by recurring guest/sidekick “Mary”) in full-tilt chat mode, riffing on daily life in Los Angeles, the strange ways of their neighbors, the feral drama of urban living (complete with tales of copter lights and sex workers), issues of privacy, concert fashion critiques, TikTok phenomena, and the simple pleasure of a good bowl of oatmeal. The mayhem is punctuated by signature asides, hot takes, and their unique blend of high camp and candid vulnerability.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Drama of Neighbors and Urban Domestic Life

(From 02:03 to ~14:32)

• Homeownership Memories & Neighbor Antics:

  • Katya recounts revisiting her old house and the changes made by the new (suspiciously nice, straight) owners: “First of all, they took my...gorgeous, [expensive] blinds down. Posters on the walls. Posters.” (05:13)
  • Mary relates the saga of neighbors keeping holiday decorations up months late and the unwritten rules of keeping up appearances: “If it's one thing you can control, it's taking down the decorations when you're supposed to.” (04:21)
  • Both riff on the horror of open windows and lack of privacy when living next to straight men and their “double monitor FIFA setups.”
  • Katya describes feeling haunted by old houses and the feeling that, neighbor or not, “sometimes if you have no neighbors, you're still hearing people.” (06:49)
  • Discussion of the noise and chaos of LA living, including construction, crackheads, and helicopters flying low: “The helicopters were in my bedroom. Girl, those blades were, like, chewing up.” (10:09)
  • Mary offers, “And the helicopter in the window...once that light comes in my window, oh, you’re queen.” (12:11)

• Privacy Struggles:

  • Both commiserate about finding ways to maintain privacy (fake topiary, curtains), and whether it’s worth trying to outsmart neighbors or just “get the out of here.” (14:18)
  • Katya continues her quest for a more private, peaceful living situation and discusses her ongoing pivot to reselling her home.
  • “Every wrong decision that there is so that other people can make the right ones.” – Katya (15:05)

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2. Adventures in the Old Neighborhood: Sex Workers, Flirtations, and Memory Lane

(20:35–26:29)

• Paying for Massage and Fumbling Flirtations:
  • Katya shares her story of seeing a sex worker (“He was a little expensive though. LA sex workers. In my opinion…” 21:05). Mentions getting called out for referring to a masseur as a “hooker” on air (21:12).
  • Both remind listeners of their respect and support for sex workers: “Are you kidding me? It's not a pod where we respect [but] will ever adore.” – Mary (21:25)
  • Katya muses on how the anticipation and flirtation with a cute straight guy at the local smoke shop is sometimes more erotic than actual sex: “I found that more erotic and exciting than actually anything happening after that.” (25:10)
  • Mary reflects, “I think that things that aren't sex can sometimes be sexier [...] Without the sex, but sexier.” (25:37)

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3. TikTok Trends & Iconic Theme Park Characters

(26:29–28:29)

• Viral Theme Park Performers:
  • Mary introduces the viral “Evil Queen” of Disneyland and her personal connection: “She’s become a friend of mine. We text.” (26:45)
  • The duo discuss “Dimples Dracula” from Universal Studios, whose TikTok fame is based on his suave persona and smooth one-liners: “He says to an agree, ‘Don’t worry, life is short, but I can always make it shorter.’ Isn’t that horny?” – Mary (27:36)
  • Katya jokes about getting a restraining order from the viral Dracula (27:58)

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4. Oatmeal Fads, Meal Prep Realness, and Sober Girl Comfort Food

(28:29–31:58)

• Oatmeal Preparation Escalates:
  • Mary recounts making oatmeal and gets guidance from Katya, the high priestess of steel-cut oats: “You gotta get into the Golden Spurtle. So the Irish steel cut oatmeal. The Golden Spurtle.” (28:59)
  • They share favorite oatmeal toppings and laugh about “meal prep” culture.
  • “It feels like cooking, baby, it’s just cooking. I'm not hiking Kilimanjaro this week, you know what I mean?” – Katya (29:12)
  • For those in sobriety: “The best part of this book called Living Sober is, ‘Have a milkshake.’” (31:10)

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5. Concert Recap: The (Strange) Lebeda Show

(41:14–56:12)

• From VIP Joy to Costume Confusion:
  • Katya details a recent visit to the Russian pop star Lebeda’s LA show—VIP treatment, erratic costume choices, and questionable staging:
  • “She would come out in like a little like crystal something, but then she would put on something else and then put on something else...” (43:49)
  • “Song, song, song. I wonder if she's gonna costume changes...someone comes out with a green latex trench coat and puts it on her.” (48:14)
  • Katya’s deep disappointment with the AI-generated visuals: “...when she did her global hit [...] the visuals was an AI Ape. It was an AI gorilla. An AI slop video.” (49:32)
  • Mary and Katya reflect on how great staging and innovative visuals don’t have to break the bank, sharing their own DIY drag production hacks (50:39–51:28).
  • Katya laments the lackluster energy of the encore: “The encore was so lifeless and low energy and I just felt bad.” (54:15)
  • On the crowd: “They've never seen so many women with the most healthy, long, thick bone, straight [hair]...Just Russian bundles, real bundles, blonde, dark, whatever.” (57:53)

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6. Review Readings: The Queens Respond

(58:45–61:14)

• Closing segment where Trixie, Katya, and Mary read and riff on user-submitted podcast reviews—a playful parade of inside jokes, fake mean reviews, and actual praise.
  • “I wish you guys would talk less and it would just all be ads. I love the ads so much. I get so hard and bricked up when I hear the ads.” – Katya, reading a (clearly fake) review (60:03)
  • “Your voices sound like you're huge. Have you gained weight? I love the mouth breathing.” – Katya, parodying troll comments (60:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Living in LA:

  • “I live in a giant speaker.” – Katya (09:11)
  • “There is this bewitching area between West Hollywood, Hollywood where you get the blood of Hollywood with the drug use of West Hollywood.” – Mary (08:38)

• On Privacy in Drag:

  • “Do you have your breastplate clearly visible and wet?” – Katya (06:20)
  • “I have my bare feet, and I'm giving a foot job with my feet, and everybody wins.” – Mary (06:23)

• On DIY Life Hacks:

  • “Limitation is the mother of Mary.” – Mary (51:19)

• On Oatmeal Zen:

  • “That bowl of oatmeal is so goddamn nourishing your body, it's like you feel the cells in your body going, ah, right. Thank. Like, thank you. You've just been shoveling trash into this furnace for, like, the last three years.” – Katya (31:44)

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Key Timestamps

• [02:03–14:32] Domestic anecdotes, neighbor woes, privacy hacks
• [20:35–26:29] Tales of sex work, flirtations, eroticism in the mundane
• [26:29–28:29] Viral theme park characters and TikTok stars
• [28:29–31:58] Oatmeal debate, cooking vs. “meal prep”, sober comfort
• [41:14–56:12] Lebeda concert review: costumes, visuals, audience, disappointment
• [58:45–61:14] Reading podcast reviews, riffing on fake and real feedback

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Tone & Style

As always, the tone is a campy, fast-paced blend of sarcasm, affection, and honesty—balancing absurdity and vulnerability. Listeners feel like confidants, welcomed into the duo’s highly specific yet universally relatable chaos.

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Takeaway

This episode is a quintessential Bald and the Beautiful romp: wild stories, brutal honesty, social satire, and the search for both meaning and good window treatments amid the madness of Los Angeles. If you want bizarre neighbor drama, DIY drag wisdom, and a masterclass in reading—and being—a little bit extra, this episode delivers.

Transcript

[Katya]

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[Katya]

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[Katja]

Our spring very bald and very beautiful. Dates are just about sold out, so

[Katya]

we're putting shows up for the fall Hollo presale starts March 18th. Using the code very that's V E R Y.

[Katja]

And tickets on sale Friday, March 20th. Why don't you go ahead and get your [e-mail]?

[Katya]

ah, the website. Do you like websites? So we were just chatting a little bit before Trixie was mercilessly making fun of me. I don't know why that's so funny. Oh, you love it when I cry. You love it when I cry.

[Mary]

Did you get bird pooped?

[Katya]

Oh, it's all this schmatza. It's crap.

[Mary]

What is it?

[Katya]

I don't know, girl.

[Mary]

This is so weird. I walked by your house two days ago because I always walk by your old house. I walk by your old house. They got all these workers out there. They're doing stuff.

[Katya]

What are they doing?

[Mary]

I don't know, there was. There was scaffolding and, and, and ladders. And I was like, oh my God, they're working at Kitty Bug's house. And I was rubber.

[Katya]

Not rubber necking looking.

[Mary]

Yeah. I was craning my neck trying to see. And I said, oh my God. And every time we walk by it, I retell how beautiful it is and how much I wish you still lived there. And I'm sorry to bring it up. Anyway, your old house, they're making it look even better. Too bad you don't live there.

[Katya]

So I went. I. Whenever I'm in that area, which is never, I just, you know, I go by there. I. I creep.

[Mary]

I.

[Katya]

Right. You know, it's like, it's a very. You have to drive slow in that street, by the way. It's very dangerous.

[Mary]

So I go, what you should tell your neighbors.

[Katya]

I go about three miles an hour. And then I just. And I looked in and what they had done, these two, I. I know through my neighbors, my old neighbor, he told me about the people who live there. And they're like suspiciously nice, lovely people.

[Mary]

Right? Only people across the street.

[Katya]

No, didn't.

[Mary]

Wasn't there a guy who invited you over and his basement was full of shit with some girl in the bed?

[Katya]

Oh, baby.

[Mary]

Right, Mama. Not me remembering a story.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Not this.

[Mary]

Not me remembering.

[Katya]

Not the memory, not the memory.

[Mary]

Attic. It has to be for my brain to hold on to it.

[Katya]

No, that was, that was. Oh, that was.

[Mary]

Wasn't that somewhere else?

[Katya]

That was across the street.

[Mary]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Katya]

Well, so across door, next door was a different story. But my neighbor Scott, who's lovely, his housemate, Mama, you go into the house,

[Katja]

it is so cunty.

[Mary]

You go, ah, right.

[Katya]

Huge, tall ceilings, Christmas party tree up to the rafters all year. Yeah.

[Mary]

Oh, girl, speaking of somebody. So my. My house in Hollywood. Somebody right next door threw away their Christmas tree two days ago. I said, end of February, trash, trash. I was like, no wire haggers.

[Katya]

You took it out and put it back in their house.

[Mary]

End of February. Bitch might as well put it in the freezer and pull it out in November. Like, what the fuck? February. When should I have. Every weekend, Valentine's Day came and gone and you had the tree the whole, the whole time?

[Katya]

The whole time.

[Mary]

I don't know what it is to me, B. Cuz I grew up poor. But we knew that if it's one thing you could control, it's taking down the decorations when you're supposed to.

[Katya]

The one Thing you could control, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I. I feel that. I feel that. But I looked in the house, Mama, and what The.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

The.

[Katya]

The interior was a little. Just so strange.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

First of all, they took my. I had to take my blinds down. I got these. This is so boring to the listeners, so I'm gonna really talk about it.

[Mary]

Everybody has a house. Everybody has blinds.

[Katya]

That's not true.

[Mary]

Everyone lives somewhere that has blinds and has neighbors.

[Katya]

I don't love blinds. I like window treatments, curtains, whatever, all that.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

But this house is weird, as you know, and the. All. No. Nothing in the windows. Just, like, square open. Just nothing. And I got these gorgeous. Like, they made me take them down. They were so expensive. And I looked in. There were posters on the walls. Posters.

[Mary]

Straight people.

[Katya]

Yeah, they were older straight people.

[Mary]

You know, my house, the patio on the second level, Neil diamond posters. Oh, God. The Simon and Garfunkel we're currently doing. You're. You're. You're fearful for not relatability. I'm like, so this is the gardening we're doing on the second patio. I don't care.

[Katya]

Is this in the primary residence or the.

[Mary]

The.

[Katya]

The Hamptons house?

[Mary]

In my. And the thing is, these are the primary shareholders of Trixie Mattel llc.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And I'm just telling them what happened to the money that I got from them watching this.

[Katya]

Thank you.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

You.

[Mary]

My patio, I never use that. Took me so much money to fix the water damage to retile. I don't use it because the apartment building or the renters across the. The.

[Katya]

They. They go straight guys.

[Mary]

No window treatments, the computer, the double monitor set up where I think it's probably. What are the straight guys playing? FIFA. FIFA. They're playing World Cup. Yeah. World Cup. Video games.

[Katya]

World cup.

[Mary]

FIFA. FIFA. FIFA forever.

[Katya]

Is it FIFA or fafsa?

[Mary]

So I don't go out there because sometimes he's out there gaming or whatever. And I love video games. The straight guy games. No. So I'll be out there in drag after a DJ gig, a little half in the bag, smoking weed with my sequin lady bunny outfit on.

[Katja]

Do you have your.

[Katya]

Do you have your breastplate clearly visible and wet?

[Mary]

No, I have them on the floor. And then I have my bare feet, and I'm giving a foot job with my feet, and everybody wins. But basically I've had to get a fake boxwood because I. I never go out there because that guy can just see me.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

I know.

[Mary]

So sometimes you do have to. When you have neighbors, be creative.

[Katya]

Oh, are you Kidding me? You got to be creative when you have neighbors. It's the story of my whole life right now.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

And I.

[Mary]

Do you hear people or no?

[Katya]

Do I hear people? Do I feel people?

[Mary]

But I think sometimes if you have no neighbors, you're still hearing people. You know what I'm saying?

[Katya]

That is absolutely. That is an astute, accurate observation. However.

[Mary]

No, no, no. On this pod. Roll the tapes. You've told me you've been home alone and you've heard people in the house.

[Katya]

Wait, which house are we talking about?

[Mary]

Your old house.

[Katya]

Oh, that's cuz. You know, that's what I'm saying.

[Mary]

However. However. However.

[Katya]

No, no, no, but however. So that house is not like in the woods by itself.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

Do you know what I mean? I had. Across the street, I had a crazy neighbor.

[Mary]

Okay?

[Katya]

I mean, mom, I wish you could have met.

[Mary]

Baby, if they're. If mom, they're the crazy narrative in the scenario. If you're the crazy. If you're in the normal neighbor.

[Katya]

If I'm Condoleezza Rice, they are like. I don't know why I just said that.

[Mary]

And by the way, you know, she's a craz neighbor. I had her as a neighbor.

[Katya]

Well, she wears those boots. She was playing the piano.

[Mary]

And put something else on, honey. She ties her hair up. She has her hair up in rollers and just rain boots.

[Katya]

And that Gap tooth is not real. It's black mascara, waterproof mascara.

[Mary]

She puts black massacara. That's the Italian school black.

[Katya]

I'm not done. I'm not done about the name. So as you know, Strugglina with the neighbor Arenas in the condo. I want to talk to. What is it, what is the expression you say? He's like.

[Mary]

I would like. No, no, no. The.

[Katya]

The. The. The suckers responsible in the kun suit.

[Mary]

The. The. The. The suckers who did this to me. And the responsible, which is from Kill Bill. Okay. Yeah.

[Katya]

Because on this shitty ass block I live on, I live on the loveliest street. And by lovely, I mean the ass.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

I think it's probably. It was technically called, but I think it's actually a Ass Boulevard.

[Mary]

And you're in West Hollywood proper, right? The address is West Hollywood or is it.

[Katya]

It's Hollywood.

[Mary]

It's.

[Katya]

It's technically West Hollywood, but it's. It's really just ass.

[Mary]

There is this bewitching area between West Hollywood, Hollywood where you get the blood of Hollywood with the drug use of West Hollywood.

[Katya]

Beep, beep.

[Mary]

That's. Yeah, that. That's where you are too.

[Katya]

Bingo.

[Katja]

Yep.

[Katya]

That's how I know that's a bingo. And so on this street, we've got a lovely array of apartment buildings that, you know, they erect them in about 12, 14 minutes. Yeah, girl. Yeah. I was like, oh, so the scaffoldings in the 70s. Yeah, Mama.

[Mary]

In the 70s. Bats, girl. Popcorn ceilings.

[Katya]

Ding bats.

[Mary]

Popcorn ceilings that amplify sound.

[Katya]

Amplify. I'm living in a. I'm living in a giant speaker.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

It's crazy. The subwoofer.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

I live in it. It is so flagrant. It's so abusive. And I have to just. I was like, running a little late today. So I was stomping. I got stairs, which I love stairs, but I'm stomping up and down the stairs. I love stairs.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

If I could live in like a teeny tiny, like eight. You know, just like a little tower with eight stairs rooms.

[Mary]

Oh, a lighthouse with the circle.

[Katya]

That's what somebody suggested, and I really agree.

[Mary]

I would love that for you. Me too. We would never see you.

[Katya]

Privacy, girl.

[Mary]

The lighthouse would be your fucking iPhone at night watching porn. No, that's the lie.

[Katya]

I don't watch porn on my phone. I do my screens. Like the guy next door. No, I'm just kidding.

[Mary]

When I.

[Katya]

No, I do not watch porn on my phone, girl. It's so teeny.

[Mary]

Let me just do a performance.

[Katya]

No, no, no. All that blue light. All that blue light. Did you put on night shift?

[Mary]

True tone.

[Katya]

Now way back to that guy. Because, Mary, in my bedroom, I opened the curtain to let. The other day, when I opened all the windows to get some fresh air, it was like Piccadilly Circus. It was like. In what way circus in here was so fucking loud. It was so fucking loud. Because on every, like, every cardinal point, there's construction crackheads. Last night, the helicopters, Mama, the helicopters were in my bedroom. Girl, those blades were, like, chewing up

[Mary]

my fly for Hollywood. They fly low and they fly with those lights on. Have you ever had the light shine in your house?

[Katya]

Uhhuh. So you're. You're at home like, I'm like, they're coming after me. Obviously they're coming after me.

[Mary]

I'm in the kitchen making my medjool date and rice. A roni casserole. Whatever the. I'm doing a celery salad, right? Trying to. Lately I've been getting crafty. I've been doing nutritional yeast, apple cider vinegar, some dead bugs, girl.

[Katya]

Crazy.

[Mary]

But I'd be in my house on the. On the couch. And when I hear the copters, I'm like, okay, sure. And then sometimes I'll turn the news to be like, I bet they're in my neighborhood. The news. Right. They'll usually have the chase that's going on on the TV at the same time.

[Katya]

It never even occurred to me.

[Mary]

Oh, yeah, you can just see where they're at. You're like, oh, yeah, there's Gelson's. Like, yeah, they have the news on YouTube. I don't know. We watch like six news channels.

[Katja]

Really?

[Mary]

Yeah. News is on from sun up to sundown.

[Katya]

I just watched Democracy now in the morning. But anyways, go ahead.

[Mary]

Yeah, we watch the local. We watch every. Every iteration. I love the local news in LA because for a huge city, they got nothing to talk about. For America's second largest city, where they're like, so they're having a dog adoption at the Beaten Button Fair in Pasadena. I'm like, ain't there shootings? Yeah. Is there crackheads jumping out of planes?

[Katya]

There's a shoe store in Melrose that's closing at 5 today.

[Mary]

There is. And. And the helicopter in the window. It's one thing when they're circling and you're like, get. I'm. And I'm. I'm a little unwoke in the sense that I'm like, I hope you get who you're looking for. Like, bring justice, whatever.

[Katya]

Right?

[Mary]

But on the other hand, it's often the news. And on the other hand, once that light comes in my window, oh, you're queen.

[Katya]

You're like. You're like, wait, hold on.

[Mary]

It's like, wait. Yeah. Yes. Especially if I'm in back. I'm usually naked in the hot tub in the backyard because I have good coverage. You're worried about being relatable, and I'm talking about being in the backyard in the hot tub. I don't care.

[Katya]

No, no, no, no. I'm. This is extremely relatable to me because I'm worried about being naked, okay?

[Mary]

But when there's a plane circling, my mind goes straight to.

[Katya]

They're going to tmz. They're going to shine lights on your breast, boobs, and your titties.

[Mary]

So I have the. I put one leg here, and usually if I'm not at my winter weight, I can push my pelvis out of the water and I wait for the TMZ to fly over and I go, yeah.

[Katya]

But then you have. You have that crocheted TD top that says, ktla.

[Mary]

Get a.

[Katya]

Get a load of this.

[Mary]

I don't want to come for ktla.

[Katya]

No, no, no. You turn on the news and they. And then they, like, the story is about, like, the house across the street.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Meanwhile, you're hard boner.

[Mary]

There is a woman, she has been very open on social media about. On the news, the local news about fighting cancer. She wears wigs on the news. And it has made me think, if you're on the news, you have to get up at 2 in the morning and all that. Get all these women wigs.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Keep styling your hair at three in the morning, baby. Get the women wigs.

[Katya]

That is a whole different lifestyle. It's crazy. Back to my horrible suffering.

[Mary]

Oh, sorry.

[Katya]

Trauma. The last night. It was so. It's so crazy. I love to be naked. But even worse is that I love, as you know, to wear these little secret outfits.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah. At home, heard about those. Yeah.

[Katya]

And because I love working out in them, and I, I. My gym membership is through the window. I don't go there anymore. So I work at home.

[Mary]

Too old to transition.

[Katya]

No, I'm. I'm not 50. When I'm 50, I become the only transsexual.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

Yeah. So we're not there yet.

[Mary]

By killing everyone else.

[Katya]

No, no, no.

[Mary]

Having someone else kill them, you know.

[Katya]

You know, like, there's like a gold medalist at the Olympics.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

If, you know, being a trans woman had that competition, it would just be me.

[Mary]

Right. The top.

[Katya]

But everybody knows that. So the. I. My. It's just like I want to sound, you know, like, I researched so much soundproofing, and I'm just like, you know what? Let's just get the out of here. Let's just get the out of here.

[Mary]

So we, we talked about, I think, two episodes ago where you were kind of focusing on pivoting to, like, reselling. Are you still that pivot, then?

[Katya]

Yeah, that pivot is. Is squarely in the front of my consciousness.

[Mary]

Yeah. That's good.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And you have a goal.

[Katja]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

And you said it's gonna be a lot of micro steps to do it. Micro. Macro, Macro.

[Katya]

It's like, you know, in the movie the Long Walk where they shoot you if you stop walking.

[Mary]

Girl, why would you do all this shit to your bathroom and leave burning money?

[Katya]

Well, here's the thing. I'm not sure if you've ever met me before. Hi. I love to waste money. And I love you.

[Katja]

Really?

[Katya]

Every wrong decision that there is so that other people can make the right ones.

[Mary]

By the way, though, what if someone is like, okay, Realtor. I'm looking for a house that is half ugly, half kind of black, white and red crazy. And then they find your house and they're like work.

[Katya]

They're like, this is the. This is my. The ultimate retail, you know, buyer situation. It's like. So I'm looking for like a three story townhouse that has like no privacy at all. Like people think creep crepe walls like tissue paper. And like one bathroom is like super, super goth and hard to clean, and then the other one is. And then the bedrooms have like a super weird paint, but like a like outrageously expensive bed that I can't keep. And then like, you know, and what if.

[Mary]

And what if even though this person was rescued from the cycles of addiction by the X program, what if the whole place reeked of cigarette smoke?

[Katya]

Oh, I have never smoked in the house.

[Mary]

You haven't?

[Katya]

Not once.

[Mary]

That's good.

[Katya]

I have married. Sometimes change happens. You've been to my havalon, Laurel. The old, old, old one. The cigarette hut.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, the smoke shack. The one with the studio.

[Katya]

The smoke shack.

[Mary]

Do you know Nick was your neighbor.

[Katya]

You had. I was. I was.

[Mary]

He was. I don't want to say he was or just saying address.

[Katya]

This though, get. Oh my God. I have a story.

[Mary]

I've got good stories.

[Katya]

Oh my God.

[Katja]

Good stories.

[Mary]

Oh. Oh, well, we also have a. I know there's a lot to say.

[Katya]

I know I got a lot.

[Mary]

And it's all going to be on the Patreon. All the good stories will be behind

[Katya]

a pay a 30 minute break.

[Mary]

Yeah, let's take a break.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

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[Mary]

Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Ritual. Hello. Your gut microbiome. It's key to your mental health, your immunity and of course, your digestion. Ritual has got your back, or rather your biome with symbiotic plus, a 3 in 1 supplement of clinically studied pre and pro and postbiotics to support a balanced gut microbiome with daily use. Let me tell you guys, I'm getting older, my body's changing. We all know about that. And I'll tell you that that part of your body being at peace is something to not take for granted. Okay? And I'm gonna tell you, when I'm taking my probiotics, it really protects me against the things I eat, the way I act, the way I treat my body. Also, a lot of the medicines I take are harder on my body. So I find that with my autoimmune disorder, the more I take care of these natural processes in my body and support those, the more everything just flows. And symbiotic plus is a complete biotic formula. It's a 3 in 1 with clinically studied pre, pro and postbiotics. In clinical studies that show that it supports a balanced gut microbiome. Stay regular, stay healthy. Okay. One daily mint scented capsule for bloat gut and regularity support. I'm going to tell you, I know this with self care things like vitamins or anything supplements. The easier it is, the more likely you are to keep up with it. And ritual makes it so easy. So get your gut going and support a balanced gut microbiome with ritual sitting symbiotic plus save 20 off on your first [e-mail] bald that's ritual.com bald for 25 off your first month.

[Katya]

I, I went to visit a.

[Mary]

A sex worker. Oh, okay.

[Katya]

Because I don't in jail. My dad's not.

[Mary]

I went to, I went to visit a sex worker. I was like on their deathbed in Rikers. Right? Yeah.

[Katya]

We jerked up through the glass. No, it was a. I, I don't know how much detail is appropriate to go into.

[Mary]

Let's.

[Katya]

So his Social Security number was. No. He was a little expensive though. La la Sex workers. In my opinion.

[Mary]

Does, does he know you're talking about this?

[Katya]

No, he has.

[Mary]

One time you got a massage and the person was mad so I just don't want people to be mad.

[Katya]

Well yes, that guy cuz I, I, I flippantly referred to him as a hooker. He was very nonplussed.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

He didn't know who I was though. Of course. So then I was a little perplexed when he called me out moments after the podcast had aired.

[Mary]

Interesting.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Anyways, so we respect sex workers. This is not. Are you kidding me? It's not a pod where we respect will ever adore. Yeah. And we honestly only give glowing. I'm not that I'm giving them but when we talk about sex work.

[Katya]

I am not fashion sex workers.

[Mary]

Accentuate the positive. Yeah. Eliminate the negative.

[Katya]

So there's some sidebar. I hate when podcast Costa's like famous ones say like you'll never believe who we had. I can't say who. I'll tell you after. Do you know what I'm talking about? I hate when they do that.

[Mary]

I hate when people have a segue and then say, wasn't that a good segue?

[Katya]

No, it's like if it is break

[Mary]

to say it's a good segue. It makes me want to lose it.

[Katya]

Yeah. It's like, it's like when someone is fucking or they're like, isn't this fucking nice, girl? It's up there with isn't this an enjoyable fucking.

[Mary]

It's up there.

[Katya]

Isn't this pleasurable fudgeing I'm giving you?

[Mary]

It's working, right? Is it working? It's up there. When you go to a restaurant that has four walls, a door, and food being served, and they say, we're doing. We do things a little different around here. No, you don't.

[Katya]

That's when they take down their khakis and start jacking it on your plate.

[Mary]

So I'm going to say what food I want. You're going to bring me that food. I'm going to give you money and leave. Baby, I hate to burst your bubble, but they're doing the same thing next door at the other restaurants. Okay. Okay. It's crazy.

[Katya]

Can I talk about love? Oh, no, I'm okay. The hooker. So hooker.

[Mary]

I.

[Katya]

He wouldn't mind.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Katya]

Sex worker.

[Mary]

Sex worker.

[Katya]

He had a sling. I don't do that. But. So it was a sexy massage. It was very vanilla. I'm such, like. I'm such, like, Pollyanna.

[Mary]

Sling is vanilla. Call me when it's a noose.

[Katya]

Oh, no, no. I didn't use the sling. He had a bunch of deuces.

[Mary]

He says he has a sling. It's just a bunch of nuisance.

[Katya]

Well, I mean, not that I have or ever will. No. But the auto. I'm so fascinated by autoerotic asphyxiation.

[Mary]

Well, don't get too fascinated.

[Katya]

Oh, I won't do it.

[Mary]

Okay. You know what I want? I don't want a sling. I want the Cenobites chains flying out from the corner. You open the box. So I came. Call me when it's that. Yeah.

[Katya]

When I propose to someone with a ring, they're gonna open the box and it's just gonna be okay. So lovely time.

[Mary]

Huge.

[Katja]

Wonderful.

[Mary]

Good.

[Katya]

But in. Lovely guy.

[Mary]

Older. That's great. Older did make you feel comfortable and all that.

[Katya]

Oh, lovely. And just. We had banter. We chatted.

[Mary]

He. Did he know that used to be

[Katya]

a. I. I mentioned it in passing. And then I showed him a picture of me as. As the Dragoon. And he was like, that's you? And I said, yeah. So I put on Dragonite. Just a little show.

[Mary]

No, no. You probably showed him like a face app. Baby. Filter.

[Katya]

It was Mongo Rob liquefied in Wuthering Heights, though he hadn't seen it yet.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

No, but we. Point is, that was by my old, old neighborhood.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

So I walked around the street. I. I went to the smoke shop to get some. A $11 Sprite. An $11 Sprite.

[Mary]

Girl, they Got you crazy.

[Katya]

But it's so delicious. And the guy.

[Mary]

But you don't live on that street anymore. It's like out of state. Out of state tuition now.

[Katya]

Yeah, I mean, I was like, I was so, like, I was so wistful and like, you know, it was memory lane. And I. The smoke shop, I used to go there all the time. And the guy was like, really cute and I was. He was really nice, straight. And then he started like, talking about my tattoos and I was like, oh, my God, I wanted to him so bad. Okay, so I left, got to the. Went to the pizza shop, ordered a pizza, went back in, and then got another. I think I got like Skittles or

[Mary]

some Back for your other ten, eleven dollar soda.

[Katya]

No, no, this was like a. Just a candy or whatever. It's across Skittles.

[Mary]

Did you give him pizza?

[Katya]

No, it hadn't happened yet.

[Mary]

Oh.

[Katya]

And I was just like. I was like trying to like, be. I'm. I'm creepy, you know, I'm. I know, I know. And like, if I try to do smooth or slick or have game, it. It gives, like, yikes. So I. But it was working. He was so interested in my tattoos and like, he was like, I swear to God, he's giving me these lingering glances. And I found that more erotic and exciting than actually anything happening after that.

[Mary]

You know, Mateo and I were talking about this. I think that things that aren't sex can sometimes be sexier. Not even comparable, but on their own level, sexier. Without the sex, but sexier.

[Katya]

I mean, that's why I literally don't jerk off to porn. I jerk off to, you know, clips from Late Show.

[Mary]

Right?

[Katya]

Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel.

[Mary]

Yeah. I have something to show you that's made me horny.

[Katya]

If it's just. If it's a new clip of Jason Momoa, I don't want to get a boner.

[Mary]

So don't show me. No, but I don't speak Spanish. But when I watched Bad Bonnie, I almost called him lady Bunny. When I watched Bad Bunny, I knew those lyrics were about him wanting to fuck me. No doubt in my mind. Conservatives are like, we can't understand. I'm like, I do. I'll speak a word of Spanish. And I know he's talking about opening me up. And Benito, you can write in. We don't have guests anymore. Really?

[Katya]

But I. I would. Yeah, you can kill me and have him.

[Mary]

You come down.

[Katya]

I thought I saw him on a scooter today, but I was like, I don't think he's on a scooter in la. In L. A.

[Mary]

So do you know about this viral queen. Queen. Do you know what this viral evil queen from Disneyland.

[Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Katya]

Who got fired.

[Mary]

Yes. Yeah, yeah. She's become a friend of mine. We text. But I'm kind of mystified by that because in some ways I feel like their job is the only thing similar to our job.

[Katya]

Yeah. Oh, very much right.

[Katja]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Yeah. But there's a second one. So Universal Studios, they have different characters. They have Scooby Doo. They have. They have Wicked. They have like all different. They have their own franchises, right?

[Katya]

Flubber.

[Mary]

Flubber. They have Dracula. Old school. Like. Like Dracula, like old school. Like Bela Lugosi Dracula.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Is he.

[Mary]

There is a Dracula who's famous on TikTok called Dimples Dracula. Super tall, super deep voice. Look, no more roses.

[Katya]

There is no more tears.

[Mary]

But do not worry.

[Katya]

Yes, thank you, Jack.

[Ad Voice]

How are you?

[Katya]

For you and only you. I'm doing much better now that my food is here.

[Mary]

He says to an agree. He goes, don't worry, life is short, but I can always make it shorter. Isn't that horny?

[Katya]

That's so horny.

[Mary]

And he has dimples. So the TikTok search is Dimples Dracula.

[Katya]

That's.

[Mary]

And all the comments are like, this isn't a. Hear me out. This is hold me back.

[Katya]

So wait, so I'm not going to

[Mary]

Universal anymore because he's going to hear about this.

[Katya]

Yeah. And he's going to.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

You'll get a restraining order.

[Mary]

No. If you go, you'll probably get an offer to do Nosferatu.

[Katya]

As long as they get to work with him.

[Mary]

Yeah, I know. How weird to do. Obviously, Dracula is a gentleman. He's suave, but tall and horny. When people take the picture with him, he puts the caper on them. It's like, oh, sorry, that's not cream cheese on the floor. You know what I mean? Thank you. Bird poop.

[Katya]

No, I think it is.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Sorry, girl.

[Mary]

Thought of you the other day.

[Katya]

Wait, wait, why?

[Mary]

Bought oatmeal, cooked it.

[Katya]

Did you do the steel cut? Did you do the batch?

[Katja]

Was it rolled oats?

[Katya]

Quick oats?

[Mary]

I think it was rolled oats.

[Katya]

No.

[Mary]

Is that bad?

[Katya]

No, that's not bad. It's not bad. It's not bad.

[Mary]

But it was in a bag.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

You cook it with water for 30 minutes?

[Katya]

No, but they were like. What do they look like? They didn't Look.

[Mary]

It was 10 minutes.

[Katya]

Okay, so you got.

[Mary]

It looked like wood ticks. They're like deer Ticks like flat pine. And I have colored.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Oh, it's the kind that might be on bread.

[Katya]

You got to get into the Golden Spurtle.

[Mary]

Got it.

[Katya]

So the Irish steel cut oatmeal. The Golden Spurtle. So what you got to do is. You gotta. It's annoying, but I cook a whole week's worth, when they call it. I hate this term, meal prepping.

[Mary]

It feels like cooking, baby, it's just cooking.

[Katya]

Just say you're cooking. I'm cooking food. I'm meal prepping. I'm not. I'm not hiking Kilimanjaro this week. You know what I mean?

[Mary]

I'm investing in my mental health, Baby, you're unemployed. Pick a lane.

[Katya]

I'm taking some. I'm taking some time for me. You're lazy. No.

[Mary]

You got divorced, honey.

[Katya]

Yeah. So 30 minutes and then I cook like, it's like five batches. And then what you do is like, you. You don't do milk, right?

[Mary]

I do soy milk, fresh strawberries, and honey drizzle.

[Katya]

Can I tell you what I do? I probably said that a million times.

[Mary]

I think you do. A lot of sugar.

[Katya]

Well, let me tell you. So I take a big chunk, I put it in the pan. This is. I don't use the microwave anymore because the microwave in my house sounds like. I don't know, like the world is ending.

[Mary]

I also don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, but in beauty school, they taught us that microwaves kill food. And I think it might be true.

[Katya]

Microwaves, they don't have them in Europe, I don't think. I think for good reason. That's why they can drink wine when they're pregnant.

[Mary]

I'm just kidding. Oh, my God. My mother was European.

[Katya]

So wait, she didn't drink.

[Mary]

She smoked weed, though.

[Katya]

Oh, that's fine. Actually.

[Mary]

Like, gives you people where I'm from, they find out they're pregnant around eighth month, and they're like.

[Katya]

They're like. These keg stands are really difficult lately. So wait, so I. I put half and half because I don't have milk in my house. Just half and half.

[Mary]

Okay. You know, I think that's okay. Thank you.

[Katya]

Because last time you said it was disgusting.

[Mary]

I mean, you drinking it. I've seen you, like, almost drink the shit.

[Katya]

Which. Yeah.

[Mary]

You were here with that giant jug of dairy coffee. Yeah, the.

[Katya]

Those white chocolate mocha.

[Mary]

But I think if you as a woman on the edge, when you come in here with a trough of white mocha chocolate frappa caffeine, you know, I'M

[Katya]

like, she's carbo loading. What I love. I love nasty, sugary.

[Mary]

I think with sober people, they love. Let them have sex and let them have coffee. Well, baby, all they have.

[Katya]

Mary, the best part of this book called Living Sober is have a milkshake.

[Mary]

Have a milkshake.

[Katya]

That's what it literally says. Like, have a milkshake. So anyways, so you do the. I cook it, heat it up on the stove in the pot with the half and half. Then I put brown sugar. Probably too much for you. Brown sugar, walnuts, dried cranberries. If I have fresh fruit, like blackberries, strawberries, a little bit of chia seeds. And Mary, that bowl of oatmeal is so goddamn nourishing your body. It's like you feel the cells in your body going, ah, right. Thank. Like, thank you. You've just been shoveling trash into this furnace for, like, the last three years.

[Mary]

I was gonna say, compared to what you do the rest of the day, show up here, get Taco Bell, go home, probably have pizza.

[Katya]

Excuse your mouth. Yeah, that's what I do. That's actually exactly what.

[Mary]

They didn't give you Taco Bell when you got here? I don't think you'd come.

[Katya]

Nope.

[Mary]

Queen.

[Katya]

I don't. But then. Wait, so the. Back to the last thing I want to say about the.

[Mary]

The.

[Katya]

The thingy. The hooker. So I was so. I love that street so much. And I went to my old apartment and visited my friend Roman, who lives.

[Mary]

Went inside.

[Katya]

Yeah, no, yeah, we did. And I. Oh, you knew who lived in there? Yeah, he's my friend.

[Mary]

Oh, okay.

[Katya]

But the other place I lived on, Laurel, is for rent again.

[Mary]

I don't know if you've ever been there. You want to go back? Yes. Honestly, I really like that for you, it's a.

[Katya]

It was.

[Mary]

It's a return to you.

[Katya]

Thank you. Welcome back. To me. It was. You see, you saw the garden right inside the Roman. It is like the most otherworldly, like, courtyard.

[Mary]

Oh, I remember this.

[Katya]

Otherworldly.

[Mary]

Yeah, I remember this. Not a pool too, right?

[Katya]

No pool.

[Mary]

Oh, wait, I'm thinking of your place that had the studio and the apartment. That's.

[Katya]

That's. Yeah, that's on the same street.

[Mary]

Are you talking about the place with the big stairs where you originally had that expensive bed?

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Yes.

[Mary]

Go there. I love that apartment. Yes, That's a nice apartment. That's where we.

[Katya]

That's where we heard the scream. Heard around the world.

[Mary]

17 candles burning on the stairs at once.

[Katya]

Remember Birdie screaming at Night.

[Mary]

The Scream.

[Katja]

The Scream.

[Mary]

We decided she was an actress, right?

[Katya]

Yes. But she has John. No, no. Yeah. No, that has to be.

[Mary]

She did a good job.

[Katya]

She did an incredible job. I don't know why we haven't heard that scream in, like, many movies since.

[Mary]

I think when they greenlight screen movies, actresses should just stand at their windows and scream. And that's how you audition.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

She was.

[Mary]

She's probably a voice actor maybe. So.

[Katya]

Yeah. Any case, that place, it's so hidden. It's so like. And it had, like, a private front yard. Point is the privacy.

[Mary]

This is my private front.

[Katya]

I have an open backyard. But so that. That is. It's on the corner of a very busy intersection in West Hollywood. So noisy.

[Mary]

Great location.

[Katya]

So noisy. You go through that gate.

[Ad Voice]

Silence.

[Mary]

This is when you had the electric bike.

[Katja]

Yeah.

[Katya]

That I stupidly left out in the. My yard. And it was stolen.

[Mary]

There was one here yesterday. Electric bike here. Whose is it? There was one here yesterday and I said, whose is this?

[Katya]

Probably mine.

[Mary]

It looks. They look happy.

[Katya]

Are you kidding me? It's like a motorcycle. It's like £70.

[Mary]

I have no desire to be on a motorcycle, mama.

[Katya]

I almost hit somebody on. Well, I didn't almost hit somebody.

[Mary]

I wanted to.

[Katya]

Yeah. Cuenca Pass. Our favorite little thing. This guy on a bike. Not in a bike lane. Because there's no. No bike lane. If the, you know, there's one lane, people are flying down. He's in the middle of the road.

[Mary]

Good for him.

[Katya]

Yeah. I thought, great. What could possibly go wrong with that?

[Mary]

Yeah, it's. I love biking, but this is a tough place to bike.

[Katya]

There are places where you absolutely can do it. Because the city has gone to the effort of carving out bike lanes.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Which people still ignore, but whatever.

[Mary]

I would say it's like Santa Monica Boulevard has a bike lane. It absolutely does. That's a great street to bike, but it's almost like.

[Katya]

And it's also pretty flat.

[Mary]

What you can do on Google Maps is you can select I need directions here. And I'm on a bike. And it will send you on the streets with bike lanes or the slower

[Katya]

streets you should just go down to Go down on the beach, get the electric bike put online Del Rey in your headphones and just do the whole little strip from Manhattan beach to Redondo to Palace Fair days.

[Mary]

Right. New Lana song. I haven't heard yet.

[Katya]

Tail deer. Hawk hunter. Something like that. What is it called?

[Mary]

White.

[Katya]

White deer.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Tilt.

[Katya]

Whatever.

[Mary]

It's just called White.

[Katya]

No, it's. It's pretty. It's more witchy. White Feather Deer Hunter.

[Mary]

I'm gonna listen to it.

[Katya]

I haven't the COVID art is it. It gives so I. She's antagonistic with her cover art choices, and I love it. It gives like I don't even know what it's like.

[Mary]

My favorite was Lust for Life. Oh, she looks so beautiful on that cover.

[Katya]

She looks. I think she looks beautiful at everything, but like, she, the, you know, she's taken some artistic turns that I found fascinating. I don't necessarily love, but. This episode is brought to you by Better Help.

[Katja]

Hi, it's me, Katja. I'm a drag queen, which means I may not be a woman, but I

[Katya]

play one on tv.

[Katja]

Over the years, I've learned a lot

[Katya]

from the women in my life about

[Katja]

strength, humor, and carrying way more on their shoulders than anyone really notices.

[Katya]

I think about my mom, who somehow

[Katja]

managed work, family, and everyone's karate schedules while insisting she was fine. She wasn't asking for praise. She just kept going. A lot of women do.

[Katya]

March includes International Women's Day, and it's

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Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] bald that's better. H E L P.com bald this episode

[Katja]

is sponsored by Warby Parker. As the treasurer for the Southern California Council of Eyeglass Aesthetics, I have long maintained that glasses are among the very first things people register when they look at you. They live on your face every single day. Which means the decision about what glasses to wear is by no means trivial. Hence, it remains baffling that buying glasses has so often felt like being asked to divine your own reflection to the world from a simple glance in the mirror and a silent prayer to the gods of hotness. I say this as someone who spent an unholy portion of my life as a disgusting glassless goblin. Not a cute goblin, not a whimsical goblin who collects mushrooms and read poetry. No, I'm talking about a bridge adjacent creature of dark, soulless vibes ostracized by society like Frankenstein's monster. People did not so much stare at me as politely avert their gaze as though I were a tragic fresco that had begun to peel. Then Warby Parker arrived, and with it the possibility of being perceived as a real human person again. Their virtual try ons is quite genuinely a revelation. You point your camera and suddenly, in real time, you can see frames on your face immediately, convincingly, without the usual guessing game. With Warby Parker, it is shockingly accurate. It's not. Maybe this is fine. It is oh, there I am. I personally landed on the Durandan Crystal, a choice that turned my countenance from cellar dwelling misfortune into devastatingly delicious compliments followed with suspicious speed. People assume they cost far more than they do because the materials feel premium and the details actually matter.

[Katya]

They also have everything you need for

[Katja]

happier eyes, including contacts, online eye exams and sunglasses all in one place. Plus they have over 300 retail stores across the US which is comforting if you ever want the in person option. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription [e-mail] bald that's 15% off when you buy two pairs of glasses at Warby Parker. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you.

[Katya]

I'm heading to Austin this month for south by Southwest and while half the country is still feuding with winter coats and dodging slush puddles, I'll be packing light layers and celebrating the beginning of allergy season. It's time for that beginning of spring energy when the sun is out, the air feels optimistic, and everyone collectively decides make out in a public park. Season has begun. Austin just understands this moment, especially when you booked an incredible place on Airbnb right next to the city's best barbecue joint. I'm talking morning coffee outside while the city wakes up, walks where you don't need gloves to avoid frostbite and plates of brisket eaten outdoors with the Texas sunshine highlighting every bit of flavor in your dry rub. I booked my stay through Airbnb, and honestly, it's doing a lot of the heavy lifting for this trip. I get space to sprawl, a real couch to decompress on after screaming lyrics with strangers, and a table where I can eat like a human instead of balancing food on a pillow in a hotel room. I can close the door when I need silence, throw open the windows when I want light, and enjoy privacy that feels like I actually live there, even if only for a few days. And if I'm traveling with friends, we can all stay together instead of coordinating lobby meetups like we're in a low budget spy thriller. And while I'm dancing my way through Austin and riding that early spring glow, I'm already plotting the next adventure. This summer, it's Lisbon. Think ocean breezes, late night dinners that turn into midnight desserts, and perhaps a moonlit stroll with a charming local who teaches me exactly one Portuguese phrase and then disappears forever. Trips just feel better when you book through Airbnb. And I already know I'll be booking again and again with Airbnb. Every journey feels like it was made just for you. Anyways, La Boda.

[Mary]

Oh, yes. Okay. I get a text from you a few nights ago saying I got tickets to la. I thought it meant in the future sometime.

[Katya]

Yeah, Mary.

[Mary]

So it was that. That day.

[Katya]

It was so. Yeah. And I had. It was a bummer because we had to go FE. And I had to go fly out

[Mary]

at

[Katya]

7 in the morning, flight to wake up at 4:45am

[Mary]

you got to go.

[Katya]

Well, and that was my fault because

[Mary]

of the day before. I go the day before. Now I. You had a show to go to. But now I splurge. I spend my own money and just go the day before.

[Katya]

No, no, no. I. It's non negotiable. I have to go the day before.

[Mary]

I have to go the day before.

[Katya]

But I couldn't miss the Lubada concert.

[Mary]

I just.

[Katya]

You know what I mean? And. And last one was so good, baby. She pulled some. There was some Tom foolery at this show.

[Mary]

What happened? So how did you get the ticket?

[Katya]

So I purchased it online.

[Mary]

She still ain't sending you a ticket? I guess it's cuz you're kind of her biggest critic too.

[Katya]

No, no, she doesn't know who I am. He has no idea who I am. But Michi, my friend, I went with her. She bought the tickets. We go and we went last time. As soon as we get to the front door. Not even inside. Mel From Avalon is like, Katya. I was like, yeah. She was like, oh, come on, we're gonna go to vip. And I was like. I was like, trying to hide the brick, the huge brick in my pants.

[Mary]

Because you or no, I should.

[Katya]

Before I got rid of that.

[Mary]

A boner. Okay.

[Katya]

And I was like. So she took us up to the side. It was just amazing. But then halfway or two, three songs later, she came back up. She's like, you guys, we got it. Sorry, we have to leave. She got us to a better spot. Front and center VIP with our own food and everything. And seating a banquet.

[Mary]

What? This is amazing.

[Katya]

It was amazing.

[Mary]

Compared to the time you saw her in Florida and you were like, where

[Katya]

I paid foolishly, stupidly splurged for like three other people. Three of my friends. I think I paid five grand, right? For shit ass seats. A horrible show in the worst place on earth.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

It wasn't even in Miami.

[Katja]

It was like nor.

[Katya]

It was horrible. But she did something with her costume changes that were. That would be funny and perplex you

[Mary]

in a good way.

[Katya]

In a strange way. So you know how you know it's okay? A drag queen, for example, she loves

[Mary]

to keep you guessing. And she does listen to this. She goes, that bitch didn't like my big suit. I'm going to show her some weird shit.

[Katya]

Oh, baby, baby.

[Mary]

The suit got bigger.

[Katya]

Okay, so if you play. If you play the concert in reverse, it makes sense. So she would come out in like a little like crystal something, but then she would put on something else and then put on something else.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

What?

[Katya]

It's like she was getting ready to go.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Getting cold.

[Mary]

She's getting colder.

[Katya]

I was like, what the hell is going on?

[Mary]

Like, I'm so fit that I get cold up here.

[Katya]

I have no idea. She did, by the way, the only part I did to film. Of course, I know it's stupid to film concerts. You never watch the footage. Whatever. I would have rewatched the. And it'll be available sometime. But one of my favorite songs that she did this, she's had. We have a similar move in vocabulary, right? Wiggle, wiggle, ding, ding, ding. But when she. She did this, like, she.

[Mary]

It stand up, she goes like, this is a good reminder. You guys should watch the pod on the YouTube. Oh, my God.

[Katya]

It was like. It was kind of like that. It was kind of funny and it

[Mary]

was kind of a gypsy rose kind of dance. Have you seen these videos?

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

No.

[Mary]

Well, I'm a longtime supporter. Well, I'm a longtime follower of hers. Let's.

[Katya]

Is that. Is that the one? I killed my mom and I don't care.

[Mary]

No, she cares.

[Katya]

Oh, no. Okay. Is that Janet McC?

[Mary]

That's Janette McCie. That's. I don't care. My. I. I don't care. My mom's dead.

[Katya]

Oh, right. Sorry.

[Mary]

That's not her. Sorry. Her book is called, like, into the Light, A Survivor's Journey or something. But I did read Gypsy's books.

[Katya]

Okay. Her book is called My Time to Stand.

[Mary]

My Time to Stand. So it's. I have a signed copy. Sorry, not to like, flex, but people

[Katya]

are going to stop listening now.

[Mary]

A signed copy. But she. Because of, I think something about the case. A lot of the video files from when it happened are public now. Something about something of information act or whatever. Freedom of information. Okay. So all these files, video files that Gypsy had sent to her co defendant. Like who she.

[Katya]

Tick Tock Dancing in court.

[Mary]

No, she's not dancing in court, but the videos that were played in court are like, her and wigs. Doing characters, you know, she's so abused, out of touch with. It's just so wild. But they're calling it the Gypsy Files.

[Katya]

I hate that. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Mary]

Yeah, they're called the Gypsy files. So if you want to watch those, you can go on Tick Tock and watch them. I. I don't know her. I don't know how she'd feel about people watching them, but it's public information, so. But I'm saying this because one of the songs she dances to is that song by Fun. Some nights I play my lips good, bit whatever. And there's a dance she does and they're calling it the Jip Hip where she goes like this.

[Katya]

Mama. That was Ms. Lovisa.

[Mary]

Maybe she's doing the Gyp Hip.

[Katya]

She was doing that in a whole

[Mary]

bunch of Epstein files.

[Katya]

But so she go, Mary. We thought that's what it.

[Mary]

I didn't make it up.

[Katya]

The gypsum. So she. The outfit. First of all, she loves a designer moment. She loves to get. I like. I think, you know, designers reach out to her, her team, to them, whatever happens. She came out in Schiaparelli now.

[Mary]

Cool.

[Katya]

It was scap. Really cool. Mary. No, it was a brown suit. It was a brown suit. So it was. I was like, oh, that's.

[Mary]

She got your.

[Katya]

I was like. I mean, her body is t. Always. She's so gorgeous. Her fucking wig. I've had it. I want it again. I don't. It's like a long. Like a long like pageboy bob with the root. It's just. It is a wig, but it's so beautiful. But this brown suit, it's like a two piece with a visible panty. That's kind of. But her. At every moment. Her four backup dancers were in Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.

[Mary]

Huh?

[Katya]

Visually outshining her at every turn.

[Mary]

It's a matte brown suit, baby.

[Katya]

It's like, I have Mr. Hanky vibes. It's so. It's leggings that have this weird flap on the front. And then it's like skin tight, but then it has like two little bows with some cutouts. Black bows.

[Mary]

You think she got like the. The Nordstrom rack Schiaparelli.

[Katya]

It's totally. It's the.

[Mary]

It's the look from the Nordstrom Rackarelli.

[Katya]

Yeah, Yeah. I was like, so perplexed. I was like. I was like, oh, that's interesting.

[Mary]

What do you want her to wear in your ideal world?

[Katya]

Okay, so for this, for example, same outfit, solid stones, because she had a rhinestone pimp cane.

[Mary]

Huh.

[Katya]

Solid stones because her. Guess what? Her dancers were wearing stones.

[Mary]

So does she want them to be the spectacle?

[Katya]

But wait, wait. So I was like, oh. It was like, song, song, song. I was like, I wonder if she's gonna costume changes. Michi and I were like, we're joking about it. And then someone comes out with a green latex trench coat and puts it on her.

[Katja]

What?

[Katya]

Exactly.

[Mary]

And then what color? Green Puke. Oh, pea soup. Oh, really?

[Katya]

Like, Like a. Not an emerald. It was like a. It was like a sage ish kind of green. It was a what?

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

I know.

[Mary]

It was like a green army, man.

[Katya]

It was crazy.

[Katja]

And then.

[Katya]

So she. And then another raincoat. Exactly. Yeah. Just in case it started raining on stage. I don't know. And then she. She did this crazy thing where like, she would do. She came out in this. A pretty beautiful, like, bodysuit that had all this like, rhinestone fringe. I was like, great. She puts a jacket on over it.

[Mary]

What?

[Katya]

And then a coat and then a stole.

[Mary]

Was she trying to sneak snacks into the movies? Like, what is she doing?

[Katya]

But if you had played it in reverse, it would have been like, ah, ooh, aha. Instead it was like, ah, huh, huh, huh. You know what I mean? It was so strange.

[Mary]

So by the end of it, she's just pushing a shopping cart of clothing or like, what is she doing?

[Katya]

So. And then the end. There's a lot that happened in the middle. Mary. This is unforgivable.

[Mary]

But you love the music.

[Katya]

Well, the setlist was okay, but when she did her global hit, the one that everybody knows who knows her, it's called your eyes. And it's like huge hit for her. The. The visuals was an AI Ape.

[Mary]

What?

[Katya]

It was an AI gorilla. An AI slop video.

[Mary]

It looked like AI.

[Katya]

No, it was giant screen. And the crazy thing is that a song previous was this, like she had does this little snake number and they had a intro video while she was changing into her next trench coat or whatever. And it was her naked with this huge ball python. It was one of the sexiest like interstitial videos I've ever seen in my life. And then when she comes on for the number, it's clip art cobras. Clip art cobras that we saw in Miami.

[Mary]

I mean, visuals are expensive. I get it.

[Katya]

No, they're not.

[Mary]

No, I'm not excusing it. I'm saying why doesn't she have the better visuals? I'm trying to think.

[Katya]

Well, here's the thing.

[Mary]

They're expensive, but so.

[Katya]

But like meet me in the middle. Because that like you remember Beyonce's. Fucking Beyonce's visuals were like Oscar winning Mary.

[Mary]

They don't. They don't even have to all be that expensive.

[Katya]

No, no, they don't. Good.

[Mary]

Can be inexpensive.

[Katya]

Absolutely. Creative means you can do anything with anything.

[Mary]

Mary, Nick and I were in the studio yesterday. We're working on visuals for Super Disco right now. The show that's going to come to all the music festivals this year.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

But one of the parts, I want to give it away was I was like, well, we can't afford xyz. Xyz. But we need some way for the mothership and the show to talk to the audience. I need lips and I need my lips saying these phrases. So we painted huge Trixie lips, bigger than usual. Really dark lip liner, really light highlight. Painted the rest of my face and neck green. And we shot in front of a green screen to make floating lips cost $0. I'm not saying she has to do that, but I'm saying sometimes limitation is. The mother of Mary.

[Katya]

She did that in.

[Mary]

Look at that.

[Katya]

If you look up her video for Boom Boom, that's exactly what she did. And it was amazing. That's beautiful.

[Mary]

But I'm just saying.

[Katya]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

Sometimes it's a recession, sometimes you gotta. As an artist. Look at you guys. This is for next year's show. I mean, my. Look at that.

[Katya]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Imagine my face painted green.

[Katya]

Yeah. Literally. I mean that's. She has done that in her video. I Did that in Ding Dong. She could have just used the video because that. She did that in the show too. She used clips from her music videos.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

And it was like I was at the. At the end of the show, I was like, mary, this is unforgivable.

[Mary]

Well, again, I wasn't there. I trust you because of anybody. You're like an above, above average supporter of her.

[Katya]

I knew every single fucking lyric, everyone.

[Mary]

So if a fan like you is going in, look it. Give me that. This is what we need to be showing.

[Katya]

That is your Sniffy's ad.

[Mary]

I need lapada to get into this. Yeah. Okay.

[Katya]

Svetlana, are you watching this? No.

[Mary]

Why can't this be you? Why can't this be you?

[Katya]

I mean, the funny thing is that is the size of her lips. No, I'm serious.

[Mary]

No, I know. I. That was. Well, shows cost money to make. They shot cost me to do cost. I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying there's ways to make the right decisions about what can be cheap and look good.

[Katya]

Yeah, but see, and.

[Mary]

And Beyonce doesn't have to worry about what's cheap.

[Katya]

No. And. But I don't think she does either. I mean, she's not making a ton of money on this tour, I don't think. You know, it was at the Avalon.

[Mary]

I.

[Katya]

And it was. Interesting crowd. There was a lot of. What I noticed is these douchey looking guys facing away from the. The stage the entire time.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

I was probably like, you know, they were dragged there by their wives or girlfriends or something.

[Mary]

Or it's more like a party. I hate that. When I did Coachella, there was lots of people. They're in a circle of a group. They're not really looking at me. I guess it's also. It's. That is actually a party. Yeah. Compared to a concert and there's so

[Katya]

many other things going on.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

But in any case, there was. Yeah, but it was. I. And I don't. I don't. I don't want to be mean, but, like, I think she was very, very tired because I think she had a brutal, brutal schedule. So at the end, it's funny, like, heard her background. Her four dancers were. Those whores were like snatched up ponytails. Their choreo is crisp and lovely. Their outfits were amazing. And for the last bit, she comes out, they come out in this red sequin. Like, they just look sexy, shiny. She comes out and like, I looked it up. I think it's Vivi. It's Vivian Westwood. A red velvet Kind of negligee thing with a hip detail that made her look like a fupa. No sparkle.

[Mary]

What?

[Katya]

I know. And I'm like, dude, I wish she

[Mary]

would let you direct her costumes. I.

[Katya]

Well, so she's very hit or miss. Like there's some performances I've seen of her where I'm like, I would kill all of you in this room just to look like that and be able to wear it. You know. Other times I'm like, Mary, like the yellow suit.

[Mary]

There's this.

[Katya]

There's also on her Instagram, I saw that she had a. A beige bell bottom jumpsuit with a smattering of like brown stones on it. And I was like, if she wears that, I'm gonna unalive myself tonight.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

She did not. But it was, it was a little underwhelming and I. There was. She usually does this encore where like the ending song is of kind called It's Time to Go Home. One of her. And it's a great. It has a great remix. It makes sense. It's time to go home. The. The encore was so lifeless and, and low energy and I, I just felt bad.

[Mary]

Yeah. And. And I'm just saying I don't want

[Katya]

to be a hater. I am a hater.

[Mary]

But like, you're such a supporter of her. If anything, you're going in ready to. To. Ready to eat dog if you have to.

[Katya]

Yeah, I'm not. I don't want to be a hater. No. I. I'm literally. I'm the only thing.

[Mary]

I am too.

[Katya]

The only thing I was a little self conscious about was standing up and dancing and screaming all the lyrics. And I didn't want to obstruct anybody's view. You know what I mean? I. But like, I just. Yeah, I was like, wow, this is really. It was interesting in sometimes, like the AI thing. Really. I really hated that.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Because other. Other numbers, she didn't have any visuals. It was just like us, just her. No dancers.

[Mary]

Just do nothing, you know?

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Just do nothing.

[Katja]

And.

[Katya]

And I think her voice over the course of the evening was like. I think she was losing it.

[Mary]

At least she was singing.

[Katya]

Oh. And I think she sounded great. And I know that there's like three types of. Usually in Russian concerts, there's three types of things, like full lip syncing, there's. I forget what they're called. You probably know, it's like I. I googled it because there's a. And they have these giant shows in Russia, huge crazy pop shows. And like typically they Would just lip sync album tracks or they would pipe it in for the broadcast. And people were like, no, no, no, no. But like, there's just too much can go wrong.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

You know, in a show like that.

[Mary]

So I'm fine with pretty much zero singing. I don't care. Make it all fake. I don't care.

[Katya]

Thank you. I want her to look.

[Mary]

Her shape is a girl.

[Katya]

I'm like, let her do it, baby. If they're.

[Mary]

She has heels on.

[Katya]

If they're dancing. Are you nuts?

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah.

[Katya]

She has the shoe. Shoe with these.

[Mary]

Black.

[Katya]

Black. Yeah. It has some styling.

[Mary]

People hate women like you do right now.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

I do.

[Mary]

I keep seeing these clips of Jennifer Lopez in Vegas and the comments are like, should she really be dancing like this at 50? I was like, what the. I sent it to Tracy. I was like, what the.

[Katja]

That's great.

[Mary]

You know what? People are crazy.

[Katya]

She should be dancing, but not with that choreo. I want to talk. I don't know who her choreographer.

[Mary]

I think she goes to the same hairographer as plastique because they both have bundles blowing in the wind.

[Katya]

Oh, there was a time. There was a few moments where she really let loose with the hair. Ms. Lebeda. And. And I was just like. I was like, yeah, get it. And it was like my. Oh, the song. Oh, she just. When she did break it down, she really broke it down because, like.

[Mary]

But when she didn't break it down, it was broke down.

[Katya]

It was tore down.

[Mary]

I'm glad how you seen her three times. Three times. That's great.

[Katya]

Yeah. First time, super unforgivable. Second time was transcendent.

[Mary]

Right.

[Katya]

This time was. You know, I think I maybe had unrealistic expectations, but I certainly didn't expect to go to vip. That's great.

[Mary]

You know, you're a world famous person who is desperately in support of this woman's art. It's nice that they recognized you.

[Katya]

She didn't, but a male from Avalon did.

[Mary]

But now if you go to a show and you don't get that treatment, you're going to feel like, that's why

[Katya]

I got Ms. Mel's number, baby. Anytime I'm at the Avalon, I got to send her some stuff today, actually. She wanted a signed copy of her book. Will you sign it for her?

[Mary]

Yeah, I'll do whatever.

[Katya]

She's so beautiful. So nice.

[Mary]

Anything to get you closer to the stage for the shows that you may or may not like.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Thank you.

[Katya]

So that I can complain about them on the call.

[Mary]

Be more critical. Yeah. One last Thing.

[Katya]

One last thing they had. The crowd was so crazy.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

They.

[Katya]

I love it. They've never seen so many women with the most healthy, long, thick bone, straight. Not one extension in their. Just Russian bundles, real bundles, blonde, dark, whatever.

[Mary]

It's all straight people, right? Is there a gay following for her?

[Katya]

Yes, but it's, you know, gay and you know, Russian gay is a little bit.

[Mary]

But I mean are a lot of the people who go to her concert here in the States have to be. They have dissent, Russian descent. They're everybody's.

[Katya]

I think nobody knew who I was. Let's just put it that way.

[Mary]

Love that.

[Katya]

Yeah. Because like Russian people don't give a about me. But like there's. It was everybody speaking Russian or Ukrainian. And the girl Mary. The girls were so hot. So many hot girls. So many hot girls. So many ugly guys. Yeah, so many ugly, nasty looking guys.

[Mary]

That's LA though.

[Katja]

Yeah.

[Katya]

Do we want to read some reviews?

[Mary]

Oh my God, we have some great reviews.

[Katya]

We do.

[Mary]

Yeah, I forgot about that. It will do two each. How about that girl?

[Katya]

What do you think? Is it okay if I walk around in my little. My little come hither negligees in my. In my home and people see me?

[Mary]

Who are the people?

[Katya]

The helicopters.

[Mary]

You have no makeup or wigs on.

[Katya]

No, I'm known. I'm not crazy.

[Mary]

But doesn't that go against your rule of people seeing you? Isn't the whole point is that you have your secret costumes?

[Katya]

That's a really fair point.

[Katja]

Point.

[Katya]

Thank you.

[Mary]

Okay. Scott with seven T's. Scott, Best podcast. Oh, I get it.

[Katya]

I don't.

[Mary]

Do you remember the episode where I was like, scott the sound guy. You going to me, Scott? Oh, I remember that. It's just from Ashley Rus. Best podcast ever. Makes me deliriously happy every time a new episode drops. Lost in Scott's Eyes is the best episode that I listen to whenever I really need to laugh. Highballed. Still jobless.

[Katya]

Oh, that's fears. Okay, okay, let's see. From 3am dancing to 3am something. This podcast gives me life, especially when I listen to the ads. I wish you guys would talk less and it would just all be ads. I love the ads so much. I get so hard and bricked up when I hear the ads. Would you please talk less and just do more ads? Thank you.

[Mary]

This probably came from Squarespace. This came from an admin, one of the ad companies. Yeah, better help. We just want more ads from Quints Rakuten. More ads.

[Katya]

Let's see Human sunshine. You guys are so fat. I love hearing how fat.

[Mary]

I wish.

[Katya]

Like, honestly, your voices sound like you're huge. Have you gained weight? I love the mouth breathing.

[Katja]

I love.

[Mary]

Yeah. What's with your skin? I've always said challenging skin.

[Katya]

God, love the pond. You two make my week. Love hearing all the laughter and friendship. It's like being there. Capital in the room. I have to see you live now.

[Mary]

Blah, blah, blah. It's all lovely things. Best podcast from ketchum06. Love these two individuals and as friends, they make me cackle with delight. I'm writing this review from the Trixie Motel. Hey, big fan. Huge, it says. I love that. Well, thank you guys very much.

[Katja]

Yep.

[Katya]

And Amy Poehler. We're coming for you, Amy.

[Mary]

We're coming for you. We're getting more lights. We're getting the same guests as you, but they're going to be completely topless.

[Katja]

Yes.

[Katya]

And they're. They're going to say what time they like to go to bed.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Katya]

What they like to eat. And on next episode, I'm going to give you the Colbert questionnaire.

[Mary]

Stay happy topless.

[Katya]

I love that. Stay happy topless.

[Mary]

Sam.