The Trixie Mattel Center for Turntable Excellence with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary:

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
Episode Title: The Trixie Mattel Center for Turntable Excellence
Date: November 11, 2025
Hosts: Trixie Mattel (Ally) & Katya (Mary)
Producer: Studio71 & Confetti Cannon

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Overview

This episode finds Trixie and Katya back behind the mics, dishing on their chaotic lives in showbiz, dolling out hot takes on everything from DJ mishaps to high-stress airport adventures, and sharing behind-the-scenes stories from recent celebrity-studded events. The conversation is punctuated by their signature wit, irreverence, and a healthy dose of unfiltered truth about fame, drag, and travel—plus wild sidebars on horror movies, regional shadiness, and the perils of bodily fissures.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up and the Pitfalls of Comparison

• Trixie and Katya lament the culture of “keeping up with the Joneses” and remind listeners not to measure themselves against the ultra-wealthy or famous.

  "The neighbors’ money is not our money." — Trixie (02:12)

• Notable Quote:

  “I think sometimes we hate the super rich… but also money is perceived as power. And we think if I were that powerful and I had that much influence, I wouldn’t do xyz or I would do xyz.” — Trixie (02:18)

2. Wild Driving Stories, Porn Memories & Terminology Talk

• Trixie recounts a dangerous car-side merch exchange with her friend Brandon, involving a "Chinese fire drill" and reflections on problematic terms.

  “My brother goes, ‘That’s racist.’ I go, he’s Chinese, and he… did jump out of the car, so I don’t know what to say. That did happen.” — Trixie (05:58)

• Katya and Trixie riff on Dude, Where’s My Car? and the history of searching for unconventional pornographic thrills as the internet has “run out” of new material for them.
• The duo dives into language on social media, specifically people substituting words for sensitive topics (e.g., “pew pewed” instead of “shot”), bemoaning the sanitization of tragedy.

3. Movie Tangents: Revenge Fantasies & Drag Queen Faves

• A deep dive on movies like Death Proof, Last House on the Left (the “microwave head” scene), and others leads to enthusiastic takes on the satisfaction of cinematic revenge plots.

  “I love those movies where it gives you every calorie you need… about a revenge fantasy.” — Katya (06:54)

• Trixie shares love for Uncle Buck and John Candy, then tangents to a chat on Charlie Sheen’s documentary and the hotness of actors like Matt Dillon.

4. Power Ballads, Divas, and Signature Vocal Styles

• The pair celebrate Celine Dion and her ability to transform a car ride into a moment:

  “Put on ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’ ... full body chills.” — Trixie (09:59)

• Discussion about Celine’s and Whitney Houston’s vocal idiosyncrasies, the drama of power ballads, and the magic of vocal signatures:

  "Nobody sounds like [Celine]. It's a signature." — Katya (12:45)

• Katya admits crying to Whitney’s “Star Spangled Banner” and the two joke about her lip-syncing ("It’s still her voice. It doesn’t change a thing.” — Trixie, 13:13).

5. Immigration Anxiety & High Drama at Airports (18:17–25:18)

• Trixie’s Anxiety-Fueled Immigration Tale:
  • Trixie recalls being high at the Winnipeg airport after smoking (legally) before her flight, only to be pulled aside for a random Global Entry interview. Her paranoia is on full display:

    “A little bit of marijuana activated the part of my brain that was like, you’re going to jail, you’re going to die. Yes. It was horrible.” — Trixie (25:16)

  • The story leads to a broader reflection on immigration trauma, the privilege of Global Entry, and the complicated history queer performers often have with international travel documentation.

6. Regional Shadiness: Winnipeg and Beyond (25:37–27:55)

• The duo roast Winnipeg’s charm (or lack thereof):

  “Winnipeg, baby. Mama, you are boot nasty… there are so many cities in the United States that are worse…” — Katya (26:00)

• They trade stories about ugly cities, with special digs at certain parts of Brooklyn and the UK (“Hull” gets a special mention as an “absolute river of mud”).
• Compare Canadian cities—Calgary and Vancouver are praised; Winnipeg takes comedic abuse.

7. Drag Queen Cameos & American Horror Story

• Trixie details her cameo on American Horror Story: Roanoke, poking fun at how insignificant her appearance was compared to Sarah Paulson’s well-known role.

  “Talk to me about that. Cause I forget.” — Katya (29:18)

• Trixie shares a heartwarming Leslie Jordan anecdote from set, celebrating his exuberance at seeing a fellow queen.

8. DJ Life & Performing at Chapel Roan (33:28–41:54)

• Trixie recounts her DJ sets at the Rose Bowl for Chapel Roan’s show:
  • Technical snafus, like accidentally pausing music for 40,000 people, are met with drag-level poise:

    “I just kind of flip my hair and keep going. Like, intentional.” — Trixie (36:34)

  • She explains the stresses of DJing, the thrill of letting the crowd sing, and a moment of near-music disaster saved by a perfectly-timed key change as a drag performer splits on stage.
• Katya remembers her brief and chaotic career as a club DJ, sharing hilarious anecdotes about misunderstood cues and music mishaps.

9. Chapel Roan & Celebrity Sightings (41:59–47:15)

• The spectacle of Chapel Roan’s set design and vocal prowess is praised and compared to icons like Cyndi Lauper.
• Star-studded guest list at the show mentioned:
  • Sarah Paulson, Pedro Pascal (“I see you in gowns!”), Betsy Johnson, “Sizzer” (SZA), Justin Tranter, and Laura Dern are all name-dropped.
• Trixie gets flustered being among so much fame, revealing her struggles with imposter syndrome even as she graces the Hollywood Reporter cover.

10. Age, Fame, and Drag Queen Realness

• Jokes about lying about age in the industry:

  “29 is so fraudulent. If you are 39, you’re not. You’re either 38 or 40.” — Katya (47:00)

• Behind-the-scenes of the Hollywood Reporter cover shoot and the significance of drag queens being included in a mainstream media feature.

  “For you to have me on here right now at this time in American history, I cannot tell you what it means…” — Trixie (48:19)

11. Global Entry, Traveling Queerness, and Bodily Mishaps

• Katya schools Trixie on how to use her new Global Entry status.
• Tangents into jokes about pre-check, clear, and the perpetual struggle of “trusted traveler” systems.
• Classic Trixie & Katya off-color humor about the perils of sex, nails, fissures, and “the threshold of pain.”

  “As a gay guy, like, I’m already on the verge of a fissure any given moment ... Don’t you perforate my rectum. Don’t you dare.” — Trixie (50:16)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Drag & Audience Participation:

  "So much of drag shows... is not even about us. It's about them. Moments where they get to be the star and they sing, they love it." — Trixie (37:09)

• On Age:

  "29 is so fraudulent. If you are 39, you're not. You're either 38 or 40." — Katya (47:00)

• On Immigrant Anxiety:

  “I was so scared. It was like, I was like in Bridesmaids, but she’s like in the Escuelas par la casa. Everything was... huh.” — Trixie (22:56)

• On Bodies & Fissures:

  "I'm always one constipation event away from a fissure. Please don't do this." — Trixie (50:26)

• On Fame:

  "I do forget that we are very famous." — Katya (47:53)
  "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. I'm on the cover of the Hollywood Reporter." — Trixie (47:56)

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Timestamps to Important Segments

• Cultural Comparison, Money & Power: 02:00–03:00
• Dangerous Carpool & Merch Exchange: 03:47–05:58
• Immigration/Global Entry Story: 18:17–25:18
• Winnipeg/Canadian City Roast: 25:37–27:55
• American Horror Story Cameo Discussion: 29:00–30:35
• Chapel Roan DJ Set & Mishaps: 33:28–41:54
• Celebrity Sightings: 41:59–47:15
• Hollywood Reporter Discussion: 47:53–49:12
• Global Entry & Travel Tips: 51:05–52:34
• Final Tangents on Pre-check and bodily perils: 50:05–51:03

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Tone & Style

This episode is classic Bald and the Beautiful: rapid-fire, irreverent banter loaded with sexual innuendo, self-deprecating humor, and candid behind-the-scenes showbiz stories. Trixie is dry, detail-oriented, and prone to wild tangents, while Katya is a font of surreal, off-the-wall humor and unexpected wisdom. Their friendship and chemistry are the true heart of the show, making even the most absurd asides feel intimate and resonant.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a quintessential slice of Trixie and Katya’s podcast universe: real, raw, and resoundingly ridiculous. Whether you’re a die-hard fan or new to their world, you’ll gain a backstage pass to the chaos, hilarity, and unfiltered truth that defines drag queen life. Expect to laugh, cringe, and maybe even tear up—with plenty of pop culture hot takes and queer wisdom on offer.

Transcript

[Ally]

Hey, Katya, you know what I love?

[Mary]

Jason Momoa on a bed of mashed potatoes.

[Ally]

Nuts. I'm obsessed with nuts.

[Mary]

I know. I've seen your search history.

[Ally]

No, you little idiot. I'm talking about the snack that pretends to be bad for you, but it isn't. I'm talking about wonderful pistachios.

[Mary]

Well, slap my behind and call me Shirley. You're talking about wonderful pistachios? The don't hold back snack. Tell me more, oh, wise purveyor of nut facts.

[Ally]

Well, it came in a package to my house, and each serving has 6 grams of protein. Plus, they're bold, flavorful, and just a little dangerous. You can get honey roasted, jalapeno lime, chili roasted, or my favorite, which I tried this morning, dill pickle.

[Mary]

And as my great Aunt Olga used to say, wonderful pistachios bring the heat, the sweet, and everything in between.

[Ally]

Plus, they come with shells or no shells for your snacking pleasure. I'm a no shells person. I can't have anything get in the way of me eating. I've got lashes to glue on. I got wigs to fluff. But if you like cracking them, I want you to live your nutcracking truth, honey.

[Mary]

Whether I'm backstage on the road or hiding in a wig closet with a bag in hand, wonderful pistachios are my go to. I love the flavor of them.

[Ally]

I love them now.

[Mary]

Yeah, I love them, too.

[Ally]

And when I'm in drag, I can't always sit and eat a whole meal. But sometimes I just need a little.

[Mary]

Something, A little nut.

[Ally]

And if I have a healthy option, I'm a lot more likely to eat that. Yeah. So don't hold back, dear listeners. Grab a bag of wonderful pistachios and snack like the stunning diva you are.

[Mary]

Visit wonderful pistachios.com to learn more.

[Ally]

Again, that's wonderful. Full pistachios.com to learn More. Take it from us. We know our way around a bag of nuts. I got to tell you something, girl. I got. I br. I haven't talked to you in so long, it feels like I have actual stories.

[Mary]

Okay, tell me.

[Ally]

Okay.

[Mary]

Well, well, hello.

[Ally]

First off, how are you? How are you?

[Mary]

You always making about me. That woman's a billionaire, Mama. She's laughing all the way to the bank.

[Ally]

It's fine.

[Mary]

It's cool. Of course it's fine. I think it's better than fine.

[Ally]

I think it's good, you know, other people. The what about ism? The Keeping up with the Joneses. The Keeping up with the Kardashians. The. The grass is always greener at the neighbor's shitty yard. The neighbors money is not our money.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

No.

[Ally]

You know, other people's legs.

[Mary]

It's not my legs.

[Ally]

I think sometimes we, we hate the super rich. Well, for a lot of reasons. But also money is perceived as power. And we think if I were that powerful and I had that much influence, I wouldn't do xyz or I would do xyz.

[Mary]

I get a neck lift, right?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't do the things that she does.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

No.

[Mary]

But that's you and that's her.

[Ally]

That's the end.

[Mary]

She's her. You are you.

[Ally]

I'm me.

[Mary]

Why don't you tell me something? Tell me something good. I don't know.

[Ally]

Okay, this is crazy. I'm driving here and Brandon was gonna bring me this.

[Mary]

Wait, by the way, let me interrupt you. That always scares me, that sentence.

[Ally]

I drove here.

[Mary]

That scares me. I'm scared.

[Ally]

95 miles per hour. I close listening to rent. Okay.

[Mary]

1025 million. 600 billion.

[Ally]

That's right. So I was. Oh, Brandon came to bring me these.

[Mary]

To show on the merch Merchant. Merchandiser, merchandiser.

[Ally]

Brandon was going to drive here to drop him off, but he pulls up next to me. I'm driving. And Brandon loves to do this thing where if you're driving, he sees you driving, he pulls up in the lane next to you, drives right next to you, and he's like. And waits for you to notice. So trying to kill me, do I?

[Mary]

I, I wish he had done that thing that in D Wears My car, where he drives up next to you and he kisses his male friend.

[Ally]

I would love that too.

[Mary]

I actually downloaded that clip.

[Ally]

Jerk to it.

[Mary]

Yeah, I thought it was extreme for the time.

[Ally]

You specialize in things that shouldn't be porn.

[Mary]

Yes, because I've. I've exhausted all the porn options. I'm. Yeah, ran through. Porn wise. You're ran through, ran through and played out.

[Ally]

Your hard drive is ran through.

[Mary]

But Ashton Kutcher and William Scott French kissing at a red light in front of Fabio is a great cultural moment.

[Ally]

I don't remember that. I do remember when the two girls make them kiss.

[Mary]

Oh, I don't know about that. Well, that's forced. I don't like that.

[Ally]

I don't like that. Oh, forest. You have to use forced. Forced is the search for grape.

[Mary]

Right, Grape. We don't like grape juice.

[Ally]

We don't like. No, no, we don't. Apple juice only and, you know, I know why we don't say shooting and stuff. I will say we got to give up. Pew pew, pew.

[Mary]

Excuse me.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

What?

[Ally]

When people are on tick tock, they'll say, like, I don't know, tick tock. That means they were shot. Pew pew.

[Mary]

That's.

[Ally]

So if I ever shot. Please don't say I was pew pewed.

[Mary]

That I feel like I was shot. Not. I mean, I'm being very serious.

[Ally]

My.

[Mary]

That makes me so angry because I. Because it makes it. It's not a cartoon. They're dead. It's not a cartoon. They're dead. People are dying.

[Ally]

Term.

[Mary]

No.

[Ally]

Pew pewed. Pew pew.

[Mary]

Sounds like, I think, a Bugs Bunny or. Or Daffy Duck.

[Ally]

How did he unalive. He was pew pewed.

[Mary]

He. He pew pewed himself. He unalived himself by pew pewing.

[Ally]

That's what I'm talking.

[Mary]

That is crazy. After he was graped.

[Ally]

Pepe look happy.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

It's.

[Ally]

No, it's fine. You know, America and I should come up with some new terms because I understand that these words are difficult. So you. You pick a pivot. You pick something close.

[Mary]

Oh, how about this? Yeah, the words are difficult, but the actions that they describe are more difficult.

[Ally]

Right, of course. Yeah, I know. These are words that I think should stay shocking because we should be shocked, you know? Yes. So Brandon trying to get me ran off the road, right? So then we are both at a stoplight, and Brandon's next to me, and I'm thinking, why make Brandon drive this extra mile and a half? I rolled on my window. He rolls down his window. I go, just throw it.

[Mary]

Throw the merch out of a moving car.

[Ally]

We were stopped. So Brandon's trying to throw it, and he's looking at the light. He's looking at me, and he's trying to see if he could get out of the car. And then he unbuckles and he starts screaming. He's going, ah, ah. He's unbuckling. He gets out of the car at the. At the red light and exchanges the merch. And I have some business envelopes for him. My business envelopes. And so I hand them to him, and then he gets back in the car and we drive away. And then I hear him screaming, and he screams, chinese fire drill.

[Mary]

Oh, my God, I hate that Chinese fire drill. So dangerous.

[Ally]

My brother. I'm on the phone with my brother in the car, and he goes, that. You say Chinese fire drill. My brother goes, that's racist. I go, he's Chinese. And he. He did jump out of the car. So I don't know what to say. That did happen.

[Mary]

That is very. I. I don't think that is. I think that's reprehensible behavior.

[Ally]

Yeah. I mean, I. I wouldn't do it again.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay.

[Ally]

But I just saved him a mile and a half of driving.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And I thought he would throw it through the window. He got out of the car.

[Mary]

I wish he had done it on the 101. You know, like in action movies when they jump from car to car and it's going, like, 75 miles an hour?

[Ally]

You know how we should carpool to this? And we should do Death Proof? You on the hood of the car.

[Mary]

Yes.

[Ally]

Yes. Flapping in the wind. Yes. No. Zoe Bell's. Yeah. An actress, right?

[Mary]

That's Zoe Bell.

[Ally]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[Mary]

As long as you break, and I have to. I fly through the bushes, and then I jump up and say I'm okay, and then we go kick the shit out of some guy.

[Ally]

Go kick them. And then the movie really eats.

[Mary]

It is. I love those movies that. I mean, where it, like, almost completely gives you every calorie you need. About a revenge fantasy.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

It's like, the payoff is fierce. Oh, it's like the pale.

[Ally]

It's like.

[Mary]

Almost like, ooh, It's a little too sweet.

[Ally]

Almost a little too sweet. Not since Last House on the Left, which I think is another great movie. That's a great movie.

[Mary]

Was that the microwave head?

[Ally]

Yes, the payoff.

[Mary]

So I. I never saw the movie.

[Ally]

It's so fierce.

[Mary]

I never saw the movie. I know what it's about.

[Ally]

Grape.

[Mary]

And I. I don't want to watch it, but I did see that microwave clip. It's the father, right?

[Ally]

Yeah. The spoiler alert. Yeah. The screaming, the torture, the sexual torture. Forced scenes are.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

It's.

[Ally]

It's definitely a horror movie. It's horrifying.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

But it makes the dad microwaving the head of the man who assaulted his daughter very horny.

[Mary]

So, yeah, it's like, oh, get him.

[Ally]

And if you guys are just listening to us in the car. This is the bald and the beautiful.

[Mary]

Yeah, well, let's. Let's pivot.

[Ally]

That was me on the way here. Almost died.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

I have so many stories to tell you. For once, I'm like, so I'm bulbous. My dick is a purple. My dick is purple. Shooting preload. Ready to let you know what the tea is. Got to watch Uncle Buck yesterday. Anytime. I get to watch Uncle. Favorite movie. Love it.

[Mary]

Is he flipping flapjacks? The Size of a house.

[Ally]

Yeah. Yeah. Got. Got to watch the John Candy documentary. He's just so lovable and great.

[Mary]

Oh, yeah. You've seen the Charlie Sheen one?

[Ally]

No, but everyone's telling me that I got to watch it.

[Mary]

Yeah, I. I like it.

[Ally]

FEA told me to watch it.

[Mary]

I like it. Yeah, I like it. It's interesting. It's interesting.

[Ally]

Yeah. What did you like about it?

[Mary]

I just. I. I forgot how attractive he was.

[Ally]

Oh.

[Mary]

Because my. My memory of him is just of like, you know, tabloid stuff where he's, like, a mess.

[Ally]

Yeah. That.

[Mary]

That whole thing. That whole, like, minty B thing. But then I. But I adored hearing the story about how Jennifer Grey got him the part in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. And then he was late to the set, but he showed up. And then I was just like. He was so hot back then.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

In like, Hot Shots.

[Ally]

Yeah. Is Denise. Is Denise in the documentary?

[Mary]

She is, but I haven't gotten that part yet.

[Ally]

Oh, you know, I'm gonna watch for Denise. Oh, yeah, Denise.

[Mary]

I saw like a coming up clip and she is hysterical. That woman is hysterical.

[Ally]

What's that movie she's in? Wild Things.

[Mary]

Wild Things.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Mary]

With Holy Nev Campbell.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And Matt Dillon.

[Ally]

Oh, Matt Dillon. One of the hottest people ever.

[Mary]

Mary Matt Dillon, the star of the House that Jack Built, which I recently watched. Again, that is crazy for me to do.

[Ally]

Right.

[Mary]

It's about a serial killer.

[Ally]

Okay.

[Mary]

And it's. It is the most. Well, not the most, but one of the most disturbing graphic horror movies you could ever watch. There's a whole Adante, purgatory, inferno type of storyline that it. Anyways. Yeah, it's pretty. It's very disturbing.

[Ally]

Very disturbing.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

I listened to Celine Dion yesterday in the. A few days ago in the car. That was kind of nice. Love to listen to Selen Dion.

[Mary]

Do you find her?

[Ally]

Just put on. Put on. It's all coming back to me now. Put on the car on the way back from San Diego. Full body chills.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

I'm not even joking.

[Mary]

No, I know, I know. It's. It's. What do you call that? It's a. It's like. Is that a torch song? No, it's a power ballad.

[Ally]

The power ballad. My favorite part is when the bell. It's like, not even tambourine. It's like Christmas bells.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

And it's like I started crying.

[Mary]

Like, what is that? That vocal. Idiot. What do you call that? It's like a vocal. Her mannerism. Like, you know, horror. Like, what do you what is that? How do you describe that?

[Ally]

Like, because she's French Canadian. I think it's a placement thing.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

Because French, French as you know, it sits in the back of the mouth a little bit more than like, girl.

[Mary]

They, they sit somewhere. I don't, I don't even know where they are.

[Ally]

French Canadians have that kind of. Hello, how are you?

[Mary]

Yeah, it is kind of strange. Well, it's not.

[Ally]

Girl, do you follow this? There's this girl that is so U coded. I can't even. Like, I, I, I sit home. I sit home and I jerk off about it. Listen, this is, this is you, okay? If this isn't you, shoot me down with. Shoot me in the eye. It's that French Canadian girl, Sammy Laundry. Sammy Landry.

[Mary]

I don't know.

[Ally]

She's that French canad who's like a cigarette.

[Mary]

I never heard of looking for a.

[Ally]

Cigarette or a lighter.

[Mary]

Oh, oh, no. They get up. They two inches from your nose in the face.

[Ally]

Crazy.

[Mary]

They got it. They got a very particular brand of cultural aggression when it comes to asking for cigarettes in Montreal. Let that.

[Ally]

What do they do?

[Mary]

They get right up to your face and they speak like so loud.

[Ally]

What is. Do it to me now.

[Mary]

Yes, they do. I never smoke in Montreal.

[Ally]

Well, they make you smoke in Montreal when you get. Oh, girl, wait.

[Mary]

We, we gotta get back to something. I think we jumped, we jumped like six different topics.

[Ally]

I, I will cover everything today. Oh, just like the magic of Seline.

[Mary]

Okay, but wait, you still haven't answered the question about Celine. What is it called? Because some, that kind of like, it's a, a trait of her voice. Like, how would you.

[Ally]

I guess you would call it, like a vocal characteristic.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

You know. Yeah.

[Mary]

Which some people find grading.

[Ally]

I like it.

[Mary]

Well, that's fine. I think I like it too. But, but it's, there's like a, it's a affectation that's a great. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How like lurve. Lurve.

[Ally]

Yeah, that's a bit lurve.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Lurve. Okay.

[Mary]

You love her. You love her.

[Ally]

I would say if she don't. I mean, she, her voice has so much power and she has so much skill that if it didn't have those, I mean, that, that, that also makes it so that, you know, it's her right away. Which from a marketing thing is probably. Yes, yes, yes.

[Mary]

Nobody sounds like it's a signature.

[Ally]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mary]

But a vocal signature. But what about Whitney Mama? I went down that rabbit hole.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Started I don't know how the Star Spangled Banner popped up and. And I just. I started crying.

[Ally]

You need a tracksuit like that.

[Mary]

Oh, you don't think I have one? You don't think I have several?

[Ally]

And the headband, you running it, you fat.

[Mary]

No, I sing in my kitchen. Oh, say it is. I mean, I know she lip synced it at the performance.

[Ally]

She did? Yeah. Of course she did. Oh.

[Mary]

I mean, that's. But guess what? It's still her voice. It doesn't change a thing. She still recorded it.

[Ally]

I don't care if people aren't singing anymore.

[Mary]

You, Mary.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I don't care at all.

[Mary]

I do care if it's your voice.

[Ally]

Yeah. It's got to be you, right?

[Mary]

Right. I mean, I would. I'm shocked and appalled to learn that a lot of these vocalists have like 16 background singers or front ground singers.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

This episode of the Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Chime. Gather round, friends, as I have a tale of financial woe you shan't soon forget. When I was but a foolish youth, I spent money with reckless abandon of a street urchin who just found a farthing in the gutter. Overdraft fees, my constant companions, missed payments. My ghosts of Christmas present and savings vanished like fog on a London dawn. Each bill collector's letter was another spectral knock at the door. Tap, tap, tap. Reminding me of my idiotic financial past. But then, like a kindly spirit sent to show me a better way, I discovered Chime. Chime understands that every dollar counts. When you set up direct deposit, you can get paid up to two days early with no monthly fees, no maintenance fees, and praise be to Scrooge himself. Fee free overdraft coverage up to $200 on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals. To date, Chime has spotted its members over $30 billion. And if you too wish to escape the phantoms of Overdraft, There are over 47,000 fee free ATMs waiting for you. More than the top three national banks combined. So take it from me, a once hopeless fool reborn. Chime is banking done right. Cast off the chains of your financial misdeeds, dear listeners, and step into the firelight of fiscal redemption. Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in 2 [e-mail] Baldwin that's chime.com Bald Chime feels like progress.

[Ally]

Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA Members FDIC Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file. Fees apply at out of network ATMs. Bank ranking and number of ATMs, according to U.S. news and World Report. 2023 time checking account required. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Squarespace. My God, can I tell you the more that this world is being swallowed by giant corporations that make you feel like you are so boxed out and you as a small business, as an artist, as a creator, as a vendor, as a therapist, as a many different things that you don't have access to xyz and so your business can't be xyz. I'm going to tell you a digital storefront, which is what I like to think of at my company, Trixie Cosmetics. I like to think of our website as our digital storefront. Like, if you walk into a store, what do you feel? When you go to our website, what do you feel? And I'm going to tell you, it's not just about how people feel, but some of this boring stuff that I'm going to let you know as a secret small business owner that I don't really talk about much, Squarespace offers something that I do that is so interesting, which is you can basically track the way your customers shop. You can see what they click on first. If they click on this, what do they click on next? At what point in the sale do they not complete the sale? Where do people most likely drop out of the sale? Now, some of this stuff is kind of boring, but sometimes it helps you troubleshoot. Oh, maybe my website's laid out wrong. The same way if you went into a store, oh, I'm. My cool product that I want to feature isn't prominently displayed. Really. When you start to think about your website as a shopping experience the way you would in a store starts to really change the whole way you, you know, do this. And maybe I'm a little older, but I remember when, when you loved something, let's say you love the Spice Girls, you would go to their website, you would look at everything. You would see everything they have on their website. And so you got to also, do not underestimate the window shoppers, right? Squarespace has this intelligence that gives you a little more. It gives you more insight into what your shoppers are doing. Because let me tell you, casual window shoppers can become shoppers if your business is presenting itself the right way, right? And for many of you out there, let's say you make stunning turquoise jewelry, let's say you make wigs. Let's say that you do toenails. Not fingernails, just toenails. Let's say that you have a vegan wedding cake business. Honestly, wish there was more of those. I think that that's really important. One of my favorite things, too, is they have invoicing so you can invoice clients and get paid for your services. So if you're doing bridal updos, it's also great because you can put video content in there. So let's say you just flat out want to advertise your singing. I mean, you could just have a website where you show some of your stunning BFA belt, head over to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Love that. Love it. Because you can set up your website for free to start. And if you really love it, then guess what? The work's already done. Let's go. I have a new immigration story that will blow your fucking tits off your bald little body.

[Mary]

I think I got in my sports bra. I got my sports bra on. Go.

[Ally]

You need to push your titties together because I'm about to fuck them. Okay, so. This is so crazy. I was in Canada with you.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Oh, my God. You were there. Wait a minute.

[Mary]

Wait a minute. Wow. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Unbelievable. Maybe somebody needs to put the pipe back in there.

[Ally]

You bald bitch. So bald. I guess. But can I tell the viewer? Can I recap for the viewer?

[Mary]

Absolutely, you can.

[Ally]

So I go through immigration. I finally did my global entry. Yes.

[Mary]

Oh, girl. I was there the whole time. You told me the story three times when we were there. But go. No, tell it.

[Ally]

Tell it again.

[Mary]

Tell it again. No, no, no.

[Ally]

It is.

[Mary]

It is a good story. It's a good story.

[Ally]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Mary]

What happened?

[Ally]

Okay, thank you. So I'm at the Best Western in Winnipeg.

[Mary]

Winnipeg.

[Ally]

Because I like to spend a little money.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

So about the Best Western in Winnipeg. You walk in the lobby, the smell of a pool hits you in the face, Right?

[Mary]

Which is in terms of Winnipeg. That chlorine smell is a win.

[Ally]

It's a win.

[Mary]

It's a big win because that place is truly the armpit of Canada.

[Ally]

It was a win.

[Mary]

The riddled crotch because the ran through.

[Ally]

Crossmell is a win because I suppose you get pegged. That's what they don't tell you.

[Mary]

It is. It is horrible.

[Ally]

So, so we have to go to the airport at 6 in the morning that day.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And I'm like, you know what, I never do this, but I'm going to smoke a little bit this week because I want to sleep on the plane. I never smoke weed before 6pm at.

[Mary]

6 in the morning.

[Ally]

Right.

[Mary]

Wake and bake.

[Ally]

But I'm not going to fly with it. I'm not a rule breaker.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Right.

[Ally]

Oh, we go to the airport and.

[Mary]

Then I could though.

[Ally]

What? You totally could, I guess. But I'm not a rule breaker. Right, right. So not a rule breaker.

[Mary]

Rule breaker.

[Ally]

So to get to the airport I was like, you know what, that didn't really do anything. I'm just gonna take like two more puffs off this so I can sleep on the plane. So then by the time we get to tsa, I'm really high on accident. Really high on accident.

[Mary]

So how does that manifest?

[Ally]

I'm paranoid, hot and nervous. I got hot and nervous. It was like something at the airport high. I was like, what am I doing?

[Mary]

Oh yeah, that's not, that's not a great place to be under the influence.

[Ally]

I thought it would put on my sunglasses and be chilled instead. Immigration high.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh no.

[Ally]

Are you kidding? No. So but I had thrown it away because I knew the laws, knew it wasn't bring any laws. Right.

[Mary]

So yeah, nothing to worry about. No, they're not going to blood test you.

[Ally]

So they asked me. So they go through and then they say, well, you applied for global entry, let's do your interview quick. And I go, okay, that's a good thing. I also, I don't break laws. I'm not going to hide. Whatever.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ally]

So we do the whole interview. Great. I walk, I go to the terminal, I sit by you, I reward myself with a little. No, I went to the, I went to the Tim Hortons and got a. What do you call it? Not the other dog, the cruller crawler. We split it four ways. Yeah, yeah, right. So then I'm sitting there talking to you guys, being like, oh my God, I smoked a little weed. And even though I didn't break any laws or anything, I was just scared during my immigration. That was scary. You know what happens?

[Mary]

The guy comes over.

[Ally]

The guy comes over and says, Mr. Ferkus, can you come with me?

[Mary]

That's when I would have had to like change my diaper.

[Ally]

Yes. He came and got me in front.

[Mary]

Of the colleagues and took her away.

[Ally]

And took me away. And she wasn't willing to fight for me. No, she has karate training. Well, she didn't do Nothing.

[Mary]

It was 7:30 in the morning. It was 7:30 in THE morning. I had a full diaper.

[Ally]

I'm also, I'm also thinking to myself, no offense, if I'm the one that gets drug, you know, that's how it's.

[Mary]

Going to shake down.

[Ally]

I'm going to lose my.

[Mary]

No, Miss Universe has a great sense of humor. And she's going to. She's going to. She's going to. You're going to die before me of like a drug overdose.

[Ally]

Where to God, 100%. And it's like, what are the odds that this is happening? One in a million. Like, no, it's happening.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

So he sits me down and imagine I'm high at the airport. But I've broken no laws. I know I've broken the laws. I googled the laws to make. Took me around the corner to another table out in the open.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Mary]

And he made her take her top off.

[Ally]

So imagine you're high and you're trying to hide it and you're scared now. And she goes, so, Mr. Fergus.

[Mary]

Oh God.

[Ally]

Marijuana.

[Mary]

You would have been like, M A R I J U A N A.

[Ally]

No, I wasn't so scared. I should have been like, no thanks. It's a little early. Yeah.

[Mary]

Or like he would have laughed and.

[Ally]

You walk a little early.

[Mary]

We would have had a new friend.

[Ally]

Marijuana? No thanks. Like, I wish. But instead I was like, oh my God. Okay.

[Mary]

Yeah, it grows from the ground. Trees, pot.

[Ally]

I was so. It was like, I was like in Bridesmaids, but she's like in the Escuelas par la casa. Like, I was just like. Everything was. I was like, huh. And then he starts asking me all these questions about where I've lived, etc. I'm. Maybe this is not standard, but I must have somebody who knows me or me or someone must have been flagged in some way. And then they were. And I was so scared, but I was like, I. I've never broken these. The stuff they were bringing up. I was like, I've never done any of this. Like, I don't know what they're talking about.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And I got approved. So thank you. I do have global entry, but now.

[Mary]

But you know how it is for minorities, people who are not white.

[Ally]

Right.

[Mary]

Getting flagged for no reason, ripped from their families, thrown in the trash.

[Ally]

That's so funny because I mostly thought.

[Mary]

Of you that would like, honestly, regardless of whether anything was going on, I would have had the fullest diaper of scared shit.

[Ally]

It wasn't. You know what I realized? It's not that I thought it was anything wrong. Immigration scares me because of the trauma. Also at the meeting he said, have you ever gotten in trouble with immigration? I said, Well, a good 10 years ago, yeah, I had the wrong visa and I got detained and sent back to America and I've gone back to Australia probably 15 times since.

[Mary]

That's what we call traumatic recall.

[Ally]

Traumatic recall.

[Mary]

Because there's euphoric recall and then there's traumatic recall. I just made that up. But it's real, right?

[Ally]

And I thought, just be honest, don't say, oh, I've never. I was like, oh, one time I had a visa problem. Basically. I had a visa problem. Yes.

[Mary]

My flop manager told me to lie to the authorities of a country. Get into that. Actually, my flop travel agent told my manager to tell me to lie.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Right.

[Mary]

I know we've told this story like 365,000 times, but this was such a.

[Ally]

Traumatic recall of that I was like, I'm full body chills.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Because I've been detained at immigration and it's terrifying. It's now everything about immigration always scares me. Yeah.

[Mary]

Well also, like, we're not exactly known for our like swift and absolutely unflappable justice system here.

[Ally]

It also known traveler system pre check. All of that is a huge fucking privilege and you have to be trustworthy to have it. And so like how do I have it? I have never, like, I was not interested in lying at all. No. And I knew I hadn't break any of the oz. And so even though I knew all that was true, I was like freaking out.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Yeah. A little bit of marijuana activated the part of my brain that was like, you're going to jail, you're going to die. Yes. It was horrible. And I did forget that you were there.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

And again you said nothing. No one to help me.

[Mary]

I. What was I going to be like?

[Ally]

Hey, you get your damn hands off her.

[Mary]

You get out of here.

[Ally]

International travel has just not been my. My greatest gift.

[Mary]

You know what I was struggling with, by the way? Winnipeg. Shout out to Winnipeg for being the ugliest city in Canada. People know it.

[Ally]

People know it.

[Mary]

Listen, it's. Canada is a gorgeous. And I mean you talk about countries in the world, Canada has. Canada boasts some of the most spectacular natural phenomena, but nothing, nobody is perfect as we know. No human being is not without their faults and poisons.

[Ally]

Are listening to this being like, we don't have civil war.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Mary]

No, no, no, no. No, listen, America, 128 on the global peace index. Okay, but Canada. Winnipeg, baby. Mama, you are boot nasty. And it's okay, it's okay.

[Ally]

It's okay.

[Mary]

Because there are so many cities in the United States that are worse than Winnipeg.

[Ally]

The, the. What's the ugliest place you've ever been to?

[Mary]

Winnipeg. No, no, no, no. The ugliest parts of Brooklyn. Easy, easy. Have you been to Parts Parts?

[Ally]

Have you been to Hull?

[Mary]

Oh my God, I totally blocked out the UK. Oh, but let's look. That's like number one through 12.

[Ally]

One through 12 has a river Google to that hall. Has a Google of mud going through it.

[Mary]

Mary, right?

[Ally]

Selena, Kansas, Great drag name. Yes. Selena, Kansas.

[Mary]

No, but I mean as we were like. Because we went to other Canadian cities. Like we've been everywhere in Canada.

[Ally]

We were in Canada is full of beauty.

[Mary]

In Calgary. Calgary, gorgeous. Vancouver, wonderful. Winnipeg.

[Ally]

The.

[Mary]

The drive from the airport to the Best Western was picturesque in a way that is not exactly pleasing to the eyeballs or the psyche.

[Ally]

And you know, I don't want to be anti Midwest. I love the Midwest. Winnipeg, I was like, it's like we're in Green Bay or something.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ally]

It's giving like mid city Wisconsin. It's.

[Mary]

It's got, it's got. It's ravaged by poverty, it's ravaged by drugs. It's ravaged by homelessness.

[Ally]

It's.

[Mary]

It. Because I was like shocked when we were in Calgary. I was like, damn, the city's clean. Damn, the city is beautiful. Damn, the city has a lot to like, you know, Calgary was so pretty. Was incredible. I didn't remember Calgary being like that. I thought she was some boo boo girl.

[Ally]

Toronto's beautiful. Montreal, yeah. Eating. Yeah. Old.

[Mary]

The old Montreal.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Quebec in general. It's incredible.

[Ally]

Yeah, beautiful.

[Mary]

With Miss Winnipeg, the only good thing she's ever done is produce Guy Madden, this incredible director, other than that flop.

[Ally]

But you know, when the Civil war comes, we will be coming to Winnipeg and we'll be saying. Oh, we'll say, oh my God, this is very good actually. Thank you.

[Mary]

So.

[Ally]

Everything's so delicious.

[Mary]

Oh my God, your seat is so beautiful.

[Ally]

Oh, my God. Wow. Ooh, like that. Do you remember that clip of Sarah Paulson from American Horror Story Asylum where she's eating that food and she's crying and she's like, it's very good.

[Mary]

Do you get into that? Are they still doing that?

[Ally]

American Horror Story?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah, of course.

[Mary]

But why did they like in terms of their. They went like. It went American Horror Story like, whatever. What was the first one? Haunted House.

[Ally]

I think it's actually. It's not called Haunted House. I think it's called American Horror Story. Murder House. Okay.

[Mary]

Murder House. Haunted House, same thing. And then American Horror Story. Coven.

[Ally]

No, that's three. Okay. Asylum is two. Coven is three.

[Mary]

Okay. And then it's like American. American Horror Story. Like Yellow Socks.

[Ally]

I think.

[Mary]

Think it gets so weird.

[Ally]

Freak shows. Four.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

Hotels. Five.

[Mary]

You know what I mean? And then it's like American Horror Story. Like, I. I left my keys at home.

[Ally]

American. American Horror Story inspired coupon. Oh, American Horror Story. Facebook. Yeah.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Like.

[Mary]

Or American Horror Story. Like Raleigh.

[Ally]

No, Roanoke.

[Mary]

Roanoke. That's even worse.

[Ally]

That's the one I was on.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh, shit. Sorry.

[Ally]

So fucked of you to say. That's why you hate it, you bitch. But you want to talk about leading? No Impact. The way nobody knows I was on it and the way. The way people who've seen it are like, were you on that? I'm like, yes.

[Mary]

Talk to me about that. Cause I forget.

[Ally]

Well, I had three lines in that 32nd scene, so I don't think it was necessarily the crux of the season.

[Mary]

But that's like, that was Charlie Sheen's role on Ferris Bueller's Day off. And it was unforgettable.

[Ally]

Well, I remember. I won't say who it is, but Leslie was there that day. And, you know, he and I had met a bunch of times before that. And we sit this golf court, this golf course, this golf cart. And I guess now he's dead, so I'll tell this story. But it's so funny. He sits next to me and, you know, for Leslie, whenever he see me in drag, it would be like, oh, thank God. Why? Because he's such a fag. Thank God you're good, Ally. So he sits next. He's like, I don't know. They all want me to go do all these pride. How come every Pride I do, everyone's on Ecstasy, Molly.

[Mary]

Ecstasy and Molly Molly.

[Ally]

So we're laughing, we're writing to set this little golf cart, you know, on the. I'd say it's a Fox lot. Wherever they made. Or the fx, wherever they made that. I forget. And I won't say who he was talking about, but somebody in the cast, he was like, well, don't go over there and talk to o sour puss. Wait, was.

[Mary]

Was anybody, like, actually mean?

[Ally]

No, everybody was so nice. Everybody took lovely pictures, you know, and it was like, Evan Piers, Angela Bassett, everybody, really.

[Mary]

Nobody was a diva.

[Ally]

It was so nice.

[Mary]

Oh, I don't like that I want to do. I want diva stories?

[Ally]

Sarah Paulson like, they were all so cool and nice.

[Mary]

Okay, well, that's boring.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Ally]

To.

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[Mary]

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[Ally]

I just saw Sarah Paulson last weekend at the Chapel room.

[Mary]

She's. Did you go to that con? Oh, you were.

[Ally]

Do you see how I get treated?

[Mary]

No, I would. That is a huge. That goes to like, what, 80,000 people or something?

[Ally]

I think it was 40 each night. Shout out to Team Chapel for having me. It was so cool and fun and it was. It was so fun. And they treated me. Leave it to Chapel's show team.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

To treat queens well.

[Mary]

They have a huge appreciation of the drag art.

[Ally]

Yeah. She walked up to me. She came to take a picture beforehand and she walked up to me. She goes, oh, my God, your eyes are gone.

[Mary]

It's like, what does that mean?

[Ally]

Because my. The blind.

[Mary]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a little, right? It's like, it's. What's worse than Uncanny Valley? Just weird.

[Ally]

Just weird. And then it was me, her, and Meatball, and we're all putting our hands in, and I go, all right, we're gonna put our hands in, all right. In the count of three, we're gonna say, have a great program. One, two, three. Have a great program. And Meatball looks me and goes, are you, like, proud of that? Because I couldn't think of anything in the moment, so I just said, have a great program.

[Mary]

You didn't give it up to God?

[Ally]

I should have said, like, on the count of three. One, two, three. Glory to God.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

You know what?

[Mary]

If you, like, has to, like, engage them in, like, a five minute prayer. That'd be so cunty. That'd be so cunty.

[Ally]

Yeah. It was actually such a big show that I didn't really understand how big it was, which worked in my favor because I wasn't so nervous. It's one of those things where it was so big and important that I didn't take a moment to appreciate it, because if I did, I would get nervous. Sounds like it's just another day. So play the music. What happens?

[Mary]

Like, tell me, like, exactly what happens when you. Do you go out on stage? Do they announce you or, like, what happened?

[Ally]

They Handed me a microphone.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay.

[Ally]

And it was on at 6:10. Super early. The whole night was super early.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

6:10?

[Mary]

How long did you play for?

[Ally]

An hour.

[Mary]

Oh, wow.

[Ally]

Which is not long for DJing. I was like, this is great.

[Mary]

Yeah, but that's long for, like, a concert. A huge concert like that.

[Ally]

So it was in Pasadena at the Rose Bowl. Yes. Right. And it was like Coachella, where it was outside, everybody could breathe. If you're sick of standing, you can go sit under a lovely tree and have a corn dog. Like, it was so easy. The whole thing was so breezy and easy. And the first night was kind of hot. Sound check was 80 degrees.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh, no.

[Ally]

And, you know, I'm setting up my computer.

[Mary]

Oh, and it's still sunny out, right? Or no.

[Ally]

Yeah, still sunny out. And I'm setting up my computer because I'm running my visuals while I DJ off my computer. And, you know, I do my own tech, so I'm sweating. That's all. The sun is my face. And when the sun's in your face, you can't see the computer screen. Oh, God. Squinting and they're like, you gotta. You know. And I was. When you feel tight for time at a sound check, you start getting stressed.

[Mary]

Yeah, that is. That is horrific.

[Ally]

You know, Horrific. And then at a certain point, you're like, well, we're just gonna come out here and do it. Whatever. I'm in drag. It's DJing. People are so forgiving. When you're in drag, the thing you think is. Ruined the show. No one noticed, you know?

[Mary]

Yeah, but I mean, you've told me, like. Like, instances where, like, the technology has, like, faltered or whatever. And that is so. That is, like, absolutely the worst nightmare. I'd rather be killed sometimes.

[Ally]

It's not just technology. The first night, I was pretty nervous, and, you know, I'm playing three decks, and one of them, I. I had mixed up which one was playing, and I just hit pause and stop the music. It was like a full half second and 40,000 people heard nothing except. And then I just kind of flip my hair and keep going. Like, intentional.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Oh, no one knows.

[Mary]

You know what? I don't like when they do the. When I don't know if you do it, but when DJs stop the music and have the people do it, I do that.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay.

[Ally]

I do it during summertime sadness.

[Mary]

So what do you do?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

You do.

[Ally]

And, you know, the bottoms freak out when you. I got my red dress. They start like Tina Belcher.

[Mary]

What part do you, like, let them do or make them do.

[Ally]

I like to that song. I like to go, let hear you kiss me hard before you go. And then they'll hear it turned on.

[Mary]

Oh, and then they go, summertime, sad and like, we'll get you.

[Ally]

And they flip. They lose it. They love it.

[Mary]

They love to be included.

[Ally]

So much of drag shows, don't you think, is not even about us. It's about them. So moments where they get to be the star and they sing, they love it.

[Mary]

I don't think I like that part, though.

[Ally]

I don't like to overdo it, but sometimes I like to do it because they freak out.

[Mary]

Well, the DJ thing is like, you're there to make them feel good, you.

[Ally]

Know, like an audience to see me. They're going to be screaming. If I play Covergirl. They're going to be screaming, covergirl. Yes.

[Mary]

That's.

[Ally]

I want them to scream it.

[Mary]

That's true.

[Ally]

Okay, so the first night, I had Kira Jete and Calypso Jatai. Balmain. Balmain. Balmain. I don't know.

[Mary]

Well, I was. If we're American, let's just say Balmain.

[Ally]

Yeah. Balmain. Balmain. Both of them have performed with me before. Salt Table Disco.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

And they were awesome. Yeah. And oh, my God, the second night, I had Meatball Onion Nuts. And I will come. I will come clean about something that happened. So you know what a key change of music is. Yeah.

[Mary]

Inspirational key change.

[Ally]

Yes.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ally]

So usually you. They'll put it in, like, my heart will go on to practice lean work. It's more powerful, it feels more tension, whatever. I accidentally had my key adjust on. I have a switch where I can match keys if songs, let's say, are really close and I want them to match exactly. Like, this one's B flat minor. This is B minor. I want them to really marry. So I might pitch the song up or down a half step. The audience can't really tell. And they go together. Perfect. I had that button still on. And I play Anya's song. I'm like, this sounds a little low. I was like, it just sounds her voice. It was a Nicky mix, I think. And I'm like, nicki's mix sounds a little husky in the vocal cords today. Not bad. And I don't think anyone noticed.

[Mary]

Like, tell me, can you sing it?

[Ally]

No.

[Mary]

It's Nicki Minaj.

[Ally]

And I will say, I was just like, I've heard this song before. And my DJ ear was like, do I have it pitched down? One little stop. And I look and it Is pitch down.

[Mary]

Did you lift? Did you pull the pitch up?

[Ally]

So I'm watching her and I go, how am I gonna do this? Whether it's not obvious, and I see that she's running for a stunt.

[Mary]

Okay.

[Ally]

And the music stops for one little second. And she hits. Falls into a split. And when she hits the split, I pitch it up to fix it. And it actually created a moment of, like, inspirational keychains. And it's one of those moments where you're like, that drag queen could have come. Because I've been the drag queen whose music gets messed up so many times.

[Mary]

As have you, of course.

[Ally]

And the rage you feel in your heart. Yes. When the music just fucked. Yeah. And so I never want to be the perpetrator of that.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ally]

Mary.

[Mary]

Oh, that is.

[Ally]

I saved it, thankfully.

[Mary]

Full body chills. I was a DJ for, like, three nights at Jocks. They. They trained me to use the DJ equipment. And I said, I was like, no, ma', am. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna know. Have this skill set because they're gonna call me all the time and live right upstairs.

[Ally]

And then you're gonna be.

[Mary]

I'm gonna be the. I'm just gonna Turn into the DJ who gets 40. No, ma'. Am. Right. But the. One of the performers loved to have the music sped up, plus, like, 12 or something.

[Ally]

That is old school drag thing to be like, can you speed it up?

[Mary]

Yeah, it was wild.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Like, that is so much. But then when. When you hear the song, like, when I hear Missy Elliot lose control, it sounds like she's singing through molasses. Because I'm so used to hearing music make you lose control music anyway. And it's so fast and it's so crazy, like. Like I've got a thick waist or I've got a chubby waist in shape. Stubble, blankets. Damn hawker show.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Stop.

[Ally]

It's missing.

[Mary]

Like a method.

[Ally]

It's missing. It's a hero.

[Mary]

Everybody here, get it out of control.

[Ally]

Put your hands out. The Dog is Misdemeanor said that's what it.

[Mary]

And I did. One night, Misery was doing her number, and. And she was. She was going like this so I could turn the volume up.

[Ally]

But she meant this.

[Mary]

She meant speed it up. So I turned the volume to a deafening level where almost. I was like. I was like, I'm going to sustain some kind of, like, oral damage here. It was. And she. She would glare at me every time. There's only four people audience, so who cares, right? But it was like, oh, my God, DJing is so stressful. It is.

[Ally]

But like, I mean, in some ways, it's like, be aware of the fact that you have to pay attention and be accurate, but don't let that get in the way of having a good time. Because ultimately DJs. To me, if I want to play really well and I look like I'm playing chess and I'm ignoring the audience, that's not good either.

[Mary]

No.

[Ally]

But if I'm like living and I'm living hard, that I'm messing up the music, that's not good either. You're like, woo. Yes. So I try to hit a nice middle, but honestly, when I do mess up, I always tell myself like, well, at least they know I'm really playing.

[Mary]

Hello. That's true.

[Ally]

Because I work with a lot of girls who's have flawless mixing skills.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Let's just say that. Yeah. And they almost play exactly the same every show.

[Mary]

It's almost as if someone had created a playlist that they simply press play on.

[Ally]

Yeah, that was good. But Chapel, the show was beyond. I got to watch both nights and the show was so stupidly above and beyond the skill level.

[Mary]

Venus said Fina said that the production value was incredible.

[Ally]

She comes out in like this, you know, really cool renaissance garb, like dragon skin garb. The stage is a castle. Wow. The opening starts and it's this organ music and it's a book, a witch book that says, CR Chapel room.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Gotcha.

[Ally]

Yeah. And a big glowing hand opens the book and it's like the show was like. It was so horny. Her singing, it honestly reminded me a lot of Cindy. Cindy's show was primarily about the songwriting and the singing.

[Mary]

Cindy Brady.

[Ally]

Cindy Lauper. Oh, Cindy Brady. Yeah.

[Mary]

That's literally who I just.

[Ally]

Girl. Cindy Brady show, like Marcia's is much better. And I told her, I said, your show really reminded me the next night. I was like, it reminded me of Cindy how the show is really about the singing and the. The songwriting. And she was like, oh, I love Cindy. I was like, yeah, me too. She honestly, I can't compare it to anything other than things I've ever seen, really. This is the best singing. And you're sitting there thinking, this, wrote all this music.

[Mary]

Did she really?

[Ally]

This has a, like, outer space level fame. That was so sudden. And she's still out here running around the stage really singing, singing right up to the line where the singing is accurate. But she's not like, you could use a hundred boys. She's like having Fun.

[Mary]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ally]

It just. She really ate. It was amazing. And then. Oh, that's where I saw Sarah Paulson.

[Mary]

Did she leave any crumbs?

[Ally]

No, no crumbs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? Two more things. Guess, girl. Wait.

[Mary]

So many, so many celebrities were at that concert, by the way. It was like Taylor Swift, Laura Dern.

[Ally]

Pedro Pascal came over and said hello.

[Mary]

That's.

[Ally]

And I. And I gave him a hug, and I said, what are you gonna give us? Acting, baby. I see you in gowns. And he laughed. I always want to make an impression. Why are you fronting? And then I swing like that, and I walk away way being like, what's wrong with you? Why do you say when you're going.

[Mary]

To start doing dragon?

[Ally]

He. He said something nice about, like, you and I. He was like, you know, what you do is so magical, people. And I was like, yeah, thank you. Literally.

[Mary]

Oh, sorry.

[Ally]

I was like, I loved you and Buffy killing it. And Fina goes, pedro Pascal was in Buffy for one episode. And Fina goes, that's the Mandalorian. I go, amanda Laor's here. You know, I couldn't hear the Amanda. And I, I made sure she met him because she loves Star War.

[Mary]

Yes, she does.

[Ally]

So I made sure she got.

[Mary]

I mean, I had literally, I think that very night that you were there meeting him. I was watching him get his skull CR. By the mountain on Game of Thrones, probably. So it was Mary. I've been rewatching that girl.

[Ally]

Girl. It's wild.

[Mary]

The. It is. I know I've talked about this before, but it just deserves talking about again. The, the way that they fumbled. So, like, this show. Most expensive show in the world. Most. One of the most critically acclaimed. Everybody, Sunday night is like water cooler bonanza show. You know what I mean? Everybody's watching on Sunday night. Prestige tv. And once the books end and the writers have to take liberty with the story, it just tanks so spectacularly bad. I mean, so bad. It's just breathtaking. I really need you to watch it.

[Ally]

I watched two seasons of it.

[Mary]

Two seasons?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

There's eight.

[Ally]

It was a college course, Mary. It was an undergraduate degree. These episodes are so long. Nobody knows anybody. None of these people I've met.

[Mary]

Well, okay, yes. And I.

[Ally]

There's no cell phones. There's a cell phone. There's no grinder in the show.

[Mary]

No, no, I know. I, I, I'm gonna. But I'm about to say that thing that I can't stand where people say, you just have to Muscle through the first four seasons. Like, I'm not doing that.

[Ally]

Well, I don't think you could have been at home watching that because you were at the show. Let me explain. Guess who walks in. Who? Betsy Johnson. Oh.

[Mary]

And I see her from cartwheel and split.

[Ally]

I see her from like here to there away. And I go, oh, my God. All these years of joking about is true. Looks exactly like Mary when I was.

[Mary]

When I had that, that, that long, that really heavy razor cut bob.

[Ally]

And it was like a. Like a. Like more of a straw color. It was like a gold and it was.

[Mary]

And then straw is the key word here because that was absolutely the texture.

[Ally]

Yeah.

[Mary]

Tan as. And then raccoon eyes. Looking about 20 years older than I actually am.

[Ally]

And I'm with somebody who knows you. And I go, look, Katie's here. And I say it as a joke. And he goes, oh, yeah, that's not her.

[Mary]

Yeah, that is an 85 year old woman. That is an 85 year old woman.

[Ally]

It's not her.

[Mary]

Yeah. That's why I stopped joking about my age. Because I say like, like, how old are you? I'm a 53. Like, oh, you look good.

[Ally]

They believe it.

[Mary]

They believe it without. Without flinching.

[Ally]

Nick is trying to perpetrate that. He's. He's 29 now and he's telling people he's 28.

[Mary]

Mary. He could, he could say 24, but he's been telling me, say 24.

[Ally]

I'm telling people I'm 28. And I said, how old are you? He said, 29. I said, oh, wow. Swing big. Say you're 16.

[Mary]

No, no, no, no. You got it.

[Ally]

29.

[Mary]

Is that. Nobody's 29. Nobody's 39.

[Ally]

39 is the perpetrator.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

Everybody's 39. It looks like. How's a wax 30?

[Mary]

39 is so fraudulent.

[Ally]

Fraudulent. If you are 39, you're not.

[Mary]

No. You're either 38 or 40.

[Ally]

40. It's not skips. It's like the 13th Florida elevator. Okay.

[Mary]

It is not an age that anybody is.

[Ally]

No.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh, my God.

[Mary]

Wait, so who else was. What other celebrity sightings? I want to see celebrities.

[Ally]

Not good at seeing them. Scissor was there.

[Mary]

I don't know what she looks like.

[Ally]

Just pair of scissors. I'm just kidding again.

[Mary]

I can't hear scissors.

[Ally]

The Mandalorian. Amanda Lapor's here.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay.

[Mary]

So, yeah. Pedro Pascal. Betsy Johnson.

[Ally]

Sarah Paulson. Yes. Oh, Justin Tranter.

[Mary]

Justin Tranter. Raquel Welch. I think she's died. I think she might have died.

[Ally]

She was. I'm not good at knowing who is.

[Mary]

I have no idea why I said, well, you were there. Yes, well, you know, I do forget that we are very famous.

[Ally]

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. I'm on the COVID of the Hollywood Reporter.

[Mary]

Oh, let's talk about it.

[Ally]

Look at that.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Ally]

What are they gonna do, girl?

[Mary]

Who the are all these other people?

[Ally]

Well, I try to edit everyone out, including the CEO of YouTube, but I could.

[Mary]

Over 20 billion served. I literally know you and Brittany.

[Ally]

I. Well, I do know. I do know a few of the people there. Several of them are sports commentators, which is why you and I don't know them. Yeah. But I do know Marquez.

[Mary]

Okay. Because I was anybody afraid of you sexually?

[Ally]

No. What I. It was really fun. And of course. Can I just be sentimental for a second? You and I are drag queens. These opportunities don't come to us all the time, especially in this four year period. Yeah. So I said to the CEO of YouTube and everybody there, I said, said for you to have me on here right now at this time in American history, I cannot tell you what it means to me. I said, I love doing YouTube. Yeah. This is so cool.

[Mary]

In a sleeveless dress by.

[Ally]

But. But I. They asked me to wear red and white or they. Because it's YouTube colors. They said we'd like a. They said most of you will probably wear black, but we'd like a few of you to be daring and go for red. Yeah. So, you know, in 2025, for me to wear a red dress. One of my Sydney Sweeney, you know, but it's.

[Mary]

No, but it's.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh.

[Ally]

Oh. So I wish there was a moment where we all could have sat. I never actually got to sit and hobnob. Yeah. Mingle. Brittany and I, you know, stuck. Stood in the corner like two fags. Oh.

[Mary]

At this. At the YouTube thing. Yeah.

[Ally]

I wish I would have just had more confidence to go say, hi, I don't know your channel. What do you do? But that feels shitty to say, I don't know who you are. Yeah.

[Mary]

And also, you look strange. I think for some people in drag.

[Ally]

I think a lot of people would say it's horny.

[Mary]

I know, but a lot of people are very taken. They're like. They're probably intimidated by it.

[Ally]

I think they're bricked. Yeah.

[Mary]

Hi. I'm not sure. I don't know you, but I'd like you because I want to you. I think their pussies are exploding.

[Ally]

Oh, My God, Chapel. I took a picture of Chapel. And you know, she comes up to I think, my navel.

[Mary]

Oh my God, she's so tiny.

[Ally]

And I go, you know, you're living a lot of lesbians dreams right now. Have my boobs in your face. And she laughed and I said, I think I might be living a lot of lesbian's dream by having your face in my boobs.

[Mary]

It's like a lot of. A lot of that.

[Ally]

Yes, a lot of that. A lot of the fingies. Would you like when the girls have the. What they call them bangers.

[Mary]

I don't know. You know what I am like, because.

[Ally]

I mean, I'm nails. And then these will be nubs.

[Mary]

I'm appropriately ignorant of how exactly what are the real mechanics of women and women's sex.

[Ally]

I really.

[Mary]

I'm not actually really sure.

[Ally]

The. You don't want to scratch with the nails, but.

[Mary]

Of course not. Right.

[Ally]

Especially as a gay guy. Like, I'm already on the verge of a fissure any given moment. Like, please don't scrape me up with the fingernails. Don't you. Don't you.

[Mary]

Don't you perforate my rectum. Don't you dare.

[Ally]

I'm always one constipation event away from a fissure. Please don't do this.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I know.

[Mary]

I wouldn't be. I don't have the wherewithal or the. Or the. The fortitude or the mental stamina to withstand a fissure.

[Ally]

I don't recommend it.

[Mary]

No, I mean, I.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

This.

[Mary]

I have. Do you know when you ever try to fit something. Your butt and it's crossing the threshold of pain?

[Ally]

No.

[Mary]

Really?

[Ally]

No. I don't push the limits like that.

[Mary]

Okay, that's good. That's good. Because it's like you become Bridget Fonda. The point of no return.

[Ally]

I'm at a point in my life where I can't have a solid piece of yellow cheese without some kind of three day constipation. So I'm not trying to push the limits of anything.

[Mary]

I know.

[Ally]

Okay. Yeah. Is that okay with you?

[Mary]

That is fine with me.

[Ally]

I'm totally okay with that.

[Mary]

Well, congratulations. No, sincerely congratulations on the chapel roan thing. That's huge. And on the Hollywood Reporter, the COVID girl. Girl, Put the base in your walk.

[Ally]

Should I get a global entry and take. Yeah.

[Mary]

And not arrested for so long I.

[Ally]

Don'T even really understand what it is.

[Mary]

Mary, you are so. You do not know how lucky you are. First of all, global entry means you can basically kill somebody. Okay? You can drag their corpse along state lines.

[Ally]

No, you are the top tier trusted traveler.

[Mary]

Known travelers.

[Ally]

And the country is putting a lot of trust in you to be a safe travel. Yes. Seriously.

[Mary]

Yeah, but Mary, I had to drive my bony ass all the way to some place right by the airport on a day off and then go back. It was. Took a long time and it was like a huge pain in the ass. So you really lucked out.

[Ally]

Next time we travel together nationally, I actually might need you to help me tell me what to do because I don't even really know. What.

[Mary]

Are you kidding me? You take that little card out of your wallet and you put.

[Ally]

You.

[Mary]

You hike your shirt up to expose them titties and you waltz right through the. You cut the line and waltz right through.

[Ally]

Are you serious?

[Mary]

Have you ever. I mean, I'm sure you recall, let's say coming back from the UK and you go. You have to go through customs in the United States and. Or what do you call it? Immigration.

[Ally]

Yes.

[Mary]

And it's. Oh, my God, I have to wait. I'm so glad to be home. Except I have to wait an hour and 15 minutes in this line. Ms. Global Entry. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. And she slingshots you, right? Like right to baggage claim.

[Ally]

Yes.

[Mary]

It's a great way to describe it.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah. Clear.

[Mary]

Do you have clear? Yeah, I don't know why.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Clear.

[Ally]

Pre check and global Entry. All bitches can't take.

[Mary]

I know, but at that point I'm like, I'm. I paid so much and I have and I've. Why don't you me or something like.

[Ally]

You know what I mean to crawl out of her spider hole.

[Mary]

That.

[Ally]

I hate that girl. I hate that.

[Mary]

I hope she dies in a bus fire. I know you want to talk house.

[Ally]

Her face is a threat to this country's security. Girl. I hate her.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I know.

[Mary]

I want to punch her in a big fat face, but I don't.

[Ally]

I just got Global Entry. I don't take away my pre check, please. Oh, my God.

[Mary]

Love you, Christy. I love you.

[Ally]

Bye.

[Mary]

And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail]. liberty.

[Ally]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Mary]

Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.