Welcome to Bald's Gym! with Trixie and Katya

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Welcome to Bald's Gym!"

Title: Welcome to Bald's Gym!
Podcast: The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya
Hosts: Trixie and Katya
Release Date: June 10, 2025

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1. Reactions to Recent Movies and TV Shows

Trixie and Katya delve into their thoughts on the new horror film Bring Her Back and the latest installment of the Hunger Games series. Trixie shares her enthusiasm for Bring Her Back, praising the performances and suspenseful scenes:

"There is a scene that is so fucking gross, so gory, so scary, so nasty. I loved it. [05:15]"

Katya contrasts this with her mixed feelings about reality TV, specifically critiquing 90 Day Fiance:

"I watch that movie. I think I made it 18 minutes. And I said... I took my wig off and I set it down. [12:16]"

2. Live Events and Performances

The duo discusses their recent performances and tours, highlighting their experience at Salt Shed in Chicago and their final American shows in Minneapolis and Nashville:

"Salt Shed, Minneapolis and then Nashville was the last three before I had to go to DC. [22:46]"

Katya recounts a unique drag show in Nashville, themed around donuts, and shares a humorous encounter with a bartender:

"I walked up to the person and said, what a week you must have had. What happened? [25:15]"

3. Personal Stories and Mishaps

Trixie and Katya share personal anecdotes, including Katya's awkward moment at a drag show:

"I walked up to the person and said, what a week you must have had. What happened? And the gentleman goes, oh, I lost it in a bike accident. [25:15]"

Trixie recounts her experience dealing with spinal health concerns, adding a comedic twist to her medical visit:

"He goes, your spine looks like one of the vertebrae is so displaced from the bend that... [37:18]"

4. Discussions on Reality TV and Cultural Critique

The hosts critique reality TV shows, particularly focusing on the authenticity and portrayal of relationships in 90 Day Fiance. They express skepticism about the genuineness of on-screen romances:

"I don't trust anything like that that's televised. Do you know what I mean? I trust a competition show. [40:42]"

They highlight issues such as cultural stereotypes and deceptive practices within the show's narrative:

"These people just want to get free bikinis on Instagram, right? That's all I see. I see grifters. [40:42]"

5. Product Reviews and Experiences

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing vacuum cleaners, specifically debating the merits of Dyson versus Melee and Bissell models. Trixie vehemently criticizes Dyson for its high cost and limited functionality:

"Dyson sucks shit. You are a flop. Shithead. [49:34]"

Katya shares her frustrating experience at the Melee store, highlighting poor customer service and product limitations:

"This is the uncouth vacuum that runs for eight minutes, for what, four minutes? [49:22]"

They humorously explore the challenges of maintaining quality when using high-end vacuum models, emphasizing practicality over price:

"If you want suction power, you got to plug it in the wall. [53:48]"

6. Social Media and Public Interaction

Trixie and Katya touch upon their interactions with fans and the broader LGBTQ+ community, discussing the importance of authenticity and support. They encourage listeners to engage and contribute ideas for future podcast episodes:

"If you're the news, Evan Ross. Cat, you better open Hootsuite. [46:44]"

They express their desire for more interactive content, such as voice notes from fans and behind-the-scenes insights:

"I want to hear voice notes from Jaden. Do her fierce. [47:10]"

7. Humor and Satire

Throughout the episode, humor and satire are prevalent as Trixie and Katya mock various aspects of everyday life, technology, and consumerism. Their playful banter provides a light-hearted counterbalance to more serious discussions:

"I'm a rich ass bracket. [56:19]"

"They never gonna hear about this. Nobody's gonna know. [20:55]"

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Notable Quotes:

• Trixie: "They have to do a lot of steam on the face to, like, really let the skin loosen. [04:18]"

• Katya: "I hate when people laugh during horror movies. Mama, I don't like it. [12:16]"

• Trixie: "I have a good one. [28:22]"

• Katya: "We don't know you. We don't see you. [49:02]"

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Conclusion

In "Welcome to Bald's Gym!", Trixie and Katya offer a vibrant mix of personal stories, candid critiques, and humorous takes on current media and products. Their dynamic conversation provides listeners with an entertaining and insightful glimpse into their lives as drag queens navigating the complexities of fame, health, and everyday mishaps.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Heard, FX has a new original comedy series out now called Adults, which after watching the trailer feels all too familiar. Adults is a comedy that will feel relatable if you ever also find humor in struggles of being an adult in 2025. You know, like remembering your own Social Security number or remember to drink water or perhaps having your third existential crisis of the month. Best part is that all episodes are ready for your next weekend binge. Watch FX's Adult on FX. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. If you haven't already heard, FX has a new original comedy series out now called Adults, which after watching the trailer feels all too familiar. Adults is a comedy that will feel relatable if you ever also find humor in struggles of being an adult in 2025. You know, like remembering your own Social Security number or remember to drink water or perhaps having your third existential crisis of the month. Best part is that all episodes are ready for your next weekend. Binge watch FX's Adults Wednesday on all episodes now streaming on Hulu. I don't know where. I don't know where I got this hat. I look like the Prospector from Toy Story. The goal?

[A]

You look like Buzz. Or not Buzz the oh Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody.

[B]

Somebody's poison the water hole. I seen it I've been back on my. I've been re. Watching some. 90 Day Fiance woke up this morning because sometimes Tammy and Amy finish and HBO Max will automatically play the next trashiest thing, which is 90 day fiance. HBO Max Max, which owns Discovery, which.

[A]

Okay, so not HBO Max, not HBO Max. HBO Max does not fuck with 90 day fiance. I am a. I am a connoisseur of prestige television on HBO Max.

[B]

Can I be honest? I don't totally know how the TV works in my house, so I let things auto play and like, what comes on? What comes on?

[A]

You just watch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Powerless. Where's the remote? I don't have one.

[B]

Will autoplay for days and I'm like, oh, this, this. And then I never see it again. I'm.

[A]

Ooh, something nasty came on after I watched Dr. Pimple Popper. No. So how about this?

[B]

My feet are killing me. Do you know that one? It's like, I haven't taken my sock off in three years. And then they have to cut the fucking toe off.

[A]

Shut up. Well, so I. So I was on, you know those drop. Should we talk about drop ship Scandal? You know, there was like a set of extraction tools from, like, Gwangju or whatever. That's probably the scam. I. I was like, I want it. I need it. I need it right now. So I bought it. They. They do not do what they purport to do. Like, if you watch videos, they like, elegantly and like, extract. Fully extract blackheads from your nose or like, whatever. And it looks so satisfying. It looks so incredible. Bitch. I tore my nose up for like 10 minutes. I was like, fuck this. I threw them away. Such a disappointment.

[B]

You know, sometimes as somebody with some background in. In aesthetics. Cause we had to do, you know, aesthetics in beauty school. Sometimes when I see someone with a really, like a blackhead that has overstayed its visa on someone's face, sometimes I want to be like, hi, you don't know me, but I know you. I couldn't help but notice that you have a medjool date just under the surface of your cue ball, and I wonder if you'd be interested in maybe doing some facial steaming and see if we can.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Rectify that situation.

[B]

Because I know people sometimes wake up with a blackhead that's a pencil eraser and go like, should I do something.

[A]

Or should I just pretend it's not there?

[B]

I think sometimes they just pretend it's not there.

[A]

I mean, I'm in. I'm in the magnifying mirror. Oh, thank you so much. I'm in the magnifying mirror with the nose because everybody's got blackheads in their nose or pores or whatever.

[B]

Sebaceous filaments.

[A]

There you go. And I'm like, oh. I can elegantly take these very sharp, teeny little tweezers and just lift cleanly. This momma don't work like that, but.

[B]

Well, you soften the skin first, too. Like, when you go get a facial, before they do an extraction, they're going to do a lot of steam on the face to, like, really let the skin loosen.

[A]

I haven't had a facial since I was ing England when she's like, I can't give you a facial since you've had Botox. She's from Yorkshire.

[B]

Oh, I can't give you a facial.

[A]

You've had the Botox. I can't give you a facial.

[B]

I can't give you a facial.

[A]

I was like, come on, whatever. So I. I watched, you know, Talk to me with the hand, of course. I saw their new film, Bring Her Back.

[B]

How was it, baby?

[A]

I loved.

[B]

I was go, what's the elevator pitch? Don't ruin it if you want to watch it.

[A]

So it is basically okay. So it starts off with this. I'll just give you a little like the tableau in the beginning. So there's this grainy VHS footage of this. This kind of dingy a room where there's some kind of ritual happening. And there's a woman's voice, an authentic Russian voice. I was so relieved. No shitty accents. And it appears that people are getting brought back from the dead, so. And it's very scary. It's very, like, gross. And then she's like, everything's okay, everything's okay. And they sort of, like, go through the steps of this process. Kind of like Pet Sematary in a way. And there's. Then it's the story of this woman who is a foster parent to a young boy. And she takes in a teenage girl who's legally blind and her brother, who's almost old enough to have legal guardianship over her. But, mama, it is cunty. And there is a scene that is so fucking gross, so gory, so scary, so nasty. I loved it. I loved it. A lot of critics are not, like, really nutting for it, which I think is so nerve. But I think because their first feature.

[B]

Was so good, but it did need subtitles. That Australian hit so hard. I think I was a little high watching that. I had to keep going. This is in English. This is English.

[A]

Well, this is so. Sally Hawkins is, like, just increding. Incredible. She was the woman in Shape of Water. She's gonna. She's so good. I just rewatched the other day. She's so good. This woman is so talented. But more than that, the. It was two, like, teen actors, and then a young, very young boy actor, maybe, I don't know, 10, 12, 14, something. Something like that. Incredible actors. Child actors. Like, sensational actors. It was. Oh, I loved it so much. And it's not exactly the most original premise, because you could say, oh, it's kind of like Pet Sematary, or it's kind of like. It's. The story is not super, super, super groundbreaking original, but I really fucking enjoyed it. It's an hour and 40 minutes. Sweet spot. And it was. I thought it was fabulous. I highly recommend it.

[B]

Well, I've been kind of horny because they are currently filming the new Hunger Games song. I was on the Reaping movie, and I'm just horny for that.

[A]

How many Hunger Games movies are there?

[B]

Let's see. There's four in the original trilogy because one of them is in two parts. And then there's Battle Song, Birds and snakes. Now there's this. That's six, I think.

[A]

So. Is Katpiss Evergreen in this one, too?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the 50th Hunger Games. Katniss is in the 74th. This is like a prequel.

[A]

Oh, prequel, prequel, prequel, prequel.

[B]

And then they also, very informally, publicly greenlit Ma, too.

[A]

Oh, they sure fucking did. And also practical magic, too, baby girl.

[B]

And I always thought that would be you and I.

[A]

Why aren't they calling it Mama? Like, what the fuck? I'm like, do you have a marketing department? What is wrong with you? Did your brains leak out of your asshole?

[B]

How about Beetlejuice? Beetlejuice, Ma. Something to signify that.

[A]

But, like, Mama. It's so easy.

[B]

Yeah, Stepmom.

[A]

Like, not. Not like MA squared or ever. You know, like MA Part two. It's just Mama.

[B]

How are they gonna elevate it, though? Don't make me do ketamine, Al. What's next?

[A]

I don't know, but I don't. Also, she's dead.

[B]

I thought she was dead. Maybe it's a prequel. Probably.

[A]

Mima.

[B]

You think that wig is back the other.

[A]

I come for the wig. I come for the wig.

[B]

The wig was styled different in every shot. I know it's a bowl cut, but the bangs are this way. They're this. Then there's the middle Part. Then it's like Tina Turner.

[A]

I love flagrant, like, issues with continuity in these movies.

[B]

So jarring. It would be like they cut back to her and she'd have a handlebar stash. It was, like, so crazy.

[A]

One, see, she's John Travolta. The other, she's Jam Le Curtis and an Angelian.

[B]

Hair like that. How many ways can you style it?

[A]

I mean, also, Mary, it is. It is a staple at a black lady wig shop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A synthetic it. Don't you. You have to, like, blowtorch it to get a different shape. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's crazy.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

What else did I watch? Oh, my God. There's. Oh, fuck my ass. Yeah, I went to see oh Mama. I only go, oh, oh, oh, sinners. Did we talk about sinners? Yeah, we did. We did, but I went. So there was one.

[B]

Did you see Final Destination yet?

[A]

No, I'm gonna wait. That's a home movie for me. That's a home movie because we know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna watch the opening, like, set piece, then I'm just gonna turn it off.

[B]

Do you know what else is gonna happen? People are gonna laugh. And I hate when people laugh during horror movies. I know we all experience horror in different ways, but I hate when there's, like, a bloody moment and you hear laughter. Mama, I don't like it.

[A]

You know, some. One critic was the critic who gave Bring Her Back Up B had made an interesting point. They're like, you know, horror, the horror genre especially, people ask so much of it. It's like, it needs to be original. It needs to be frightening. It needs to be scary, but not jump scary. It needs to have depth. It needs to have. And then it needs to have humor, like, you know what I mean? There's, like, so much asked of, like, horror movies because those are the. That's kind of the only genre that's really bringing. That's, like, innovative these days, you know, everything's like a remake of a cereal bar or whatever. Like Toy Story 2 or cereal.

[B]

You know, I don't think that.

[A]

No, but I mean, it's like. It's all ip. It's either Marvel movies or, like, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the movie, you know, of course, but. But horror, huh?

[B]

Minecraft is a movie.

[A]

Minecraft? Yeah. Smash hit, you know, Deadpool, Wolverine, all that crap. So horrors really, like, has a lot of weight on its shoulders to, like, innovate.

[B]

I agree. That makes a lot of sense, you know, but, like.

[A]

But anyway, so the. Unless I was trying to say.

[B]

It seems. Big brain for a reviewer to acknowledge. Hey, I'm. I'm. If you're reviewing horror movies, it's like, hey, I acknowledge that we all expect the perfect horror movie every day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But also, if we're trying to relate to an audience by tapping into something they're already afraid of, like the dark, being home alone, being stalked, it has to be relatable for it to be scary because you have to go, ooh, I've always been scared of that. Ooh, that's scary. A roller coaster breaking down, whatever. Yeah, but it also has to be original.

[A]

Yeah, but also I. You know what I really don't have the time for. I. It's like those fucking conjuring movies, which I cannot stand because it's all jump scares.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's all jump. Cheap thrills. It's like when you really get down to it, it's not that scary, but it go. My blood pressure. I have a heart attack in that theater.

[B]

That was like when I tried to. Well, five nights at Freddy's. That game. That game really scared me a lot. And when the movie came out, you know Josh Hutcherson, who I love, that was a big one of my celebrity crushes. Even though I know he's short. It's okay. We can work through it. We can work through it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I watched that movie. I think I made it 18 minutes. And I said. I took my wig off and I set it down.

[A]

Grab your purse?

[B]

Yeah. And I took my. And I grabbed my purse, my little Sofia Petrillo wicker purse, and I pulled my house coat over and I walked into the rain. I hailed a cab and went back to Newark because you opened the elevator for me.

[A]

The elevator door open, no floor. You just jumped out.

[B]

I just jumped. I just. I just. And I hate when you get excited for a movie. And I know that PG 13 is a reason. I know that's about money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when it's supposed to be scary and you really are saying, like, baby, you want to see my. And then you should pull out one nut. You know what I mean? Like. Like in horror movies, they're like, we're going to scare the out of you. But it's PG13, so instead of showing you the dick balls and Shaft, we're going to just let you see one butt cheek. It's like when someone's only fans is underwear pictures. B.

[A]

The ult horror.

[B]

That should be a horror movie.

[A]

That's the.

[B]

Okay, that's that it's what I didn't saw. I didn't saw it. Okay.

[A]

Girl, let me tell you something. Because I've been broke because I've been squeezed by this renovation. You know, my. My triannual culling of the only fans list. Sorry. To all the porno in the la. Y' all.

[B]

The porn people in the audience.

[A]

And you're making their car payments this month.

[B]

And you're Effie Trinket and drag. You pull the name out of the bowl and you eliminate them.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like Ebenezer Scrooge taking all their money. I went down the list. I was shocked and appalled at the people I still follow. I said, not on my watch. Not on my watch, girl.

[B]

You're out of here. Lee Dawson, sweetie. But you beat it.

[A]

I got some. I. I will not, but I will.

[B]

I don't know. I just. That's one of the only. Only fair people I could think of immediately.

[A]

Let me tell you something. I know and. And love and cherish some people in my. My life who have their career who have, like, make a significant chunk of money in their career.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

In their life. I want to give a shout out Brock Banks mama. That he gets fucked down and he fucks people down on his only fans. Very, very consistently. Y' all better subscribe to him. Also, he's got a. Also, he's a fabulous wig maker. He's made a bunch of my lovely wigs.

[B]

Austin.

[A]

Austin Avery, like Greek God. The body is like unbelievable.

[B]

Michael Boston, like a Greek yogurt.

[A]

Fag.

[B]

A low fat vanilla gre. Like a creek girl. Built like a Greek yogurt. Okay. Oh, can I tell. Can I tell you? Can I tell you my new.

[A]

My new.

[B]

My new accountant called the other day and he said. So I was looking at your monthly expenses. Planet Fitness. Are you using that?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

The read. And this is not the first accountant to ask that. I think. Yeah. Believe it or not.

[A]

Are you getting frauded? It was.

[B]

It made me laugh so hard. I said. And I said, I know it's hard to believe, but yeah, I do go there. I do happen upon the facility time to time, baby. Isn't that fears. Are we still using that?

[A]

Are we planning on getting.

[B]

So what do we do? You know, what are we. I don't know.

[A]

Oh, my God, my blood pressure. That is so funny.

[B]

This episode of Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by Airbnb, not hair. Bnb. They're not salons. Now let me ask you, why would a trip be better with Airbnb I'm from a small town. I'm a gay person. I know a lot of people who are gay are from not booming metropolis as this is with chic hotels. So if you want to go home for Thanksgiving, but you're getting a little too old to surf it on grandma's couch, I'm going to tell you that Airbnb is the answer. Okay? I was recently in a small town in the breadbasket of the United States, and the Airbnb was stunning, gorgeous, huge. It had a pool table, it had a yard, it had a bath. And I cannot tell you how much better it was than staying at whatever motel a small town has to offer. I mean, you guys are used to me and my motels and how perfect they are. I'm gonna tell you, a lot of small motels are not stunning. Okay? I also love Airbnb because if you're going on a trip with friends, like I'm going to Provincetown this summer. I literally used Airbnb because I'm doing, I'm DJing a party this summer and I could get a room for me, a room for each of my friends who are going and a room for my other friends who are a couple. So it's like two single friends, me and one couple. Great. You need three rooms and I could go in there, I could dial in how many rooms I need. And it made the process very, very simple. If you're planning a trip to go visit your hometown like me this year, consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you're away. It's the perfect way to earn a little extra cash to put towards your next vacation fund. Or that treat yourself splurge purchase you've been eyeing. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much on Airbnb.com host hi, it's me, a little girl. Chime understands that every dollar counts. That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee free features like free overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit and more. Teehee. Learn [e-mail] bald I can tell you that since I'm a little girl, my mom, she told me that I can't always have money when I ask for it. I have to wait for my allowance. And so I'm able to get paid up to two days early with direct deposit with Chime. They also have 24 hour customer service, which is great because my mom, she works third shift, so she makes the rest of us be awake at night too. I also like it because I have access to 50,000 fee free ATMs nationwide and since I'm so short, I can reach the ATMs using a step stool that I got from my mom. Chime is banking done right. Open a checking account with no monthly fees and no maintenance fees. Get paid up to two days early when you set up direct deposit. Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in 2 [e-mail] bald that's chime.com bald Chime feels like progress. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members FDIC spot me Eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission and payment filed fees apply at out of network ATMs. Bank ranking and number of ATMs according to US News and World Report 2023 Chime check in account Required this episode.

[A]

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[B]

Girl, you want to talk absolute foot in the mouth because you know shit. I have to tell you what happened. And I. Okay. Normally when I tell a story, I say, they're never gonna hear it. They're never gonna hear about this. Nobody's gonna know. But I know that people often do hear about stories, even if we don't say their names. They do hear about it, sweetie.

[A]

Everybody does. Philip, we mentioned the LGBT center for maybe half a second. Philip Bacardi, reposting.

[B]

I was like, we're talking about the Hunger Games. Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in my bedroom in the COVID of Night as a ghost.

[A]

As a ghost.

[B]

And said, I heard you talked about my movie Clarice, girl. So I. Clarice, which is my. My girl name. Cami. Clarice. Cammie. Clarice Turnip. So, girl, I'm in Nashville, right? We just finished the American Solid Pink disco tour I just finished, which, by.

[A]

The way, I don't know if I talked about it. Great show.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Great show. What electric energy. Fabulous numbers.

[B]

I did feel bad you came to the LA one, which was, for me, the hardest one. I. It was. It was the least. It was the only, like, not super sold one, really.

[A]

It was hugely full to my eyes.

[B]

Well, I appreciate that. I was like, little hot, little hot, little hot baby.

[A]

Little hot baby. Had to go outside. Still hot outside.

[B]

When I tell you I have a paper list with venues, names written down like Kill Bill and fucking Sharpie that I will never be going to again.

[A]

I was like, there's no. This is a modern. This is a. I mean, this building was not built in 1642. We have guts to have airon in here. But yeah, I wasn't even dancing. I was sweating. I mean, it was like breathing. It was a little much.

[B]

This is me during the costume changes. Go in the dressing room, rip the wig off and stand there like this. And Watch. Drops hit the table in front of me. And Brandon was keeping a sweat towel so that when my wig came off, I could just put a towel on my head like a head scarf for a second, sweetie. And I wrap it around the face like I'm crossing the desert.

[A]

Do you put it in the freezer first? I got to get into that tea.

[B]

That's what I should.

[A]

I've done. I've done shapers and breasts and broth.

[B]

Oh, yeah, baby, that's cunty.

[A]

You can kind of get a cold rash sometimes, though.

[B]

So last weekend we did Salt Shed in Chicago. Something like 6,000 people. It was crazy.

[A]

Incredible. Congratulations.

[B]

Thank you. Salt Shed, Minneapolis and then Nashville was the last three before I had to go to dc. Was that yesterday?

[A]

Yeah. It must have been day before. Day before.

[B]

So that was the final American one. Love it, love it, love it. It was such a blast. I love that show. I'm so happy to get to do it. We have one more in London, London Pride. Last into it, but so I go and you know Daniel Cole Hard Candy Events and my good friend, the princess from Drag Race. Daniel goes, I'm going to see princess at this lovely bar called Tribe. Would you like to come? I go, I would love to come. So I pop by and there's a drag show going on and they're doing a donut themed drag show. They're all in donut outfits there. It was Donuts, Donut Donuts make me go nuts.com drag. I don't know which is hard thing when you think about it.

[A]

Although. No, no, no. Krispy Kreme by Risque is a great song.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It's hot and fresh. It's a pretty hot and it's fresh.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty easy. Hot and cold.

[A]

It's a pretty cream. Cream prince.

[B]

You could do Donna Summer hot stuff.

[A]

Oh, it's a lot of hot dog songs.

[B]

Donut songs. The more I was watching this show.

[A]

Rain donuts, Great American songbook and everyone.

[B]

Just had their, you know, you have to dress like a fucking donut. People had pastel colors, custard fantasies. I was like, I do like this theme. And they passed out free donuts. Donuts. Which I can appreciate from where though. Duncan.

[A]

Oh, great. Okay. Are they fresh?

[B]

Duncan, wait. This girl, she goes, she has a. I'm go, oh, she's gonna walk around the audience and hand out free donuts. Which is fine At a donut themed drag show. I go up to Tipper, she opens the box and it says Baggot in the Bottom or. I think it said. It said something like fag or high. Fag or high. It made me laugh. I put the dollar in there. I said, you better work. And, you know, it's a morning. It's a day function, girl. Hi, faggot in a donut box.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Thanks, faggot. So. And the girls looked great. It was a fun rooftop vibe. If anybody's in Nashville, Tribe is right by play. I'd never been there. It was great.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

So I go. And I go, I'm gonna get a drink. And I see the bartender, and he has a cast on his leg. And, you know, I've been in service industry. I know pregnant waitresses. I've seen people in a sling. I'm like, I know what that's like. That fucking sucks. And I walk up, and he's so handsome. He's making a drink, and I'm just making. He has a donut outfit on. And I make a small talk. I go, oh, my gosh, What a week you must have had. My God, what happened? And the gentleman goes, oh, I lost it in a. A bike accident. It was not a cast. It was a completely prosthetic leg.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

And I walked up to the person and said, what a week you must have had. What happened?

[A]

You put. Put his prosthetic leg in your mouth.

[B]

So I was. And then I went, oh, my God. And then I said, that's okay. I have to acknowledge the unfortunate mistake that I just made. I. Out of corn. My. Thought you were on the mend. And I said, he was like, it's totally fine. But I was. I was mortified.

[A]

That's okay. That's okay. That's okay.

[B]

But I called Princess to make sure that it was okay to tell that story.

[A]

It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. And you should kill yourself.

[B]

I was humiliated. I will never try to make conversation again.

[A]

Just eat your donut. Just shut up and eat your tongue.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like. I'm not a fan of commenting on bodies, but also, I was like, when you see somebody when you think they're in, like, a neck brace, you're like, oh, get well soon. Love you.

[A]

Well, you know what? I am obsessed with obsessed. Well, not obsessed, but I. I'm obsessed with, like. Maybe I'm gonna let it go in probably three days. I'd be like, the. The clip of. You know, HBO made an. A documentary about this incomplete drama thing with Blake Lively. And so she was in an interview. She and Parker Posey were in an interview for, like, a junket with this reporter.

[B]

And.

[A]

And it was known. It was a known fact that Blake Lively at the time was pregnant. And so she said, congratulations on your baby bump. And Blake Lively was congratulations on your bump. Like, calling her fat. And then, like, she proceeded. She and Parker Posey proceeded to, like, ignore the reporter for, like, the whole interview. And it was so wild. And she's such a bitch.

[B]

That's a mean thing to say.

[A]

Yeah, of course it is. And. But it was also. Ext.

[B]

Wait, did Blake leave. Think this girl was pregnant?

[A]

No, it was just. It was just like, how it was. It was just like, no, it's not. And it was even less nice was that she proceeded to, like, ignore. It was a very mean girl thing. It wasn't like, kinda. It was totally like a mean girl moment, the way they conducted the rest of the interview. And I was like, mama, you are arguably one of the most beautiful women in the fucking world. Also a billionaire. Probably, like, get a grip. Being nice. What the fuck?

[B]

You got to be nice to people.

[A]

You got to be. You could be civil.

[B]

You got to be the least.

[A]

I'm sure these actors hate doing junkets because they. They do them stacked for like 12 hours. The same stupid questions over and over and over. They get so sick of it. Whatever. Now? Yeah, why now?

[B]

But like, you're playing Storm in an X Men. But, like, why now?

[A]

I'm so sorry that you got. It's like, oh, that's annoying. Is it annoying to get paid $30 million?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I don't feel bad for people doing press. I don't either, because you shouldn't do a project that big if you're not gonna do the press, Mama.

[A]

It's a little price to pay for getting paid. I don't know, $30 million plus. Plus backend residuals and all that crap.

[B]

Yeah, Mary, I just not done it. It's just part of it. And also, sweetie, it's part of it.

[A]

I was on one episode of Ag and the Queen. Guess what came in the mail yesterday. A check for 750 fucking dollars. What? Yes. I was like, is this from the. I was like, oh, God, if it's probably from Lucifer, I'm gonna get flashbacks. It was from AJ and the Queen. 700 after taxes. $700 for a flashback? This is the worst experience of my life, but I still get paid for it. Residually, I got a good one.

[B]

The other dude, I got Kelly Clarkson. Because you also get them for talk shows.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[B]

I get a Drew Barrymore.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Once in a while. But yeah.

[A]

Do you get them from like. You don't get it from like David Letterman, do you? Or.

[B]

I've not been on the.

[A]

That, no, but I mean, like, I wonder.

[B]

He's my pay pig. And David Letterman just. He cash apps me, cuz I. I wake up, I text David Letterman, I say, hi, pig.

[A]

Yeah, hi, pig. Put your balls in a pig.

[B]

And then, hi, pig. Mommy's ready for you to, you know, pay me, you worthless beta, you know, and then I'll spit his coffee and then he'll send me four or five thousand dollars. It's great. You beta pig. You beta pig. Hi, pig. Hi, beta pig.

[A]

Hi, roach. He's my pay roach. He's my pay roach. Oh, fuck my ass. But I gotta tell you about something else, mama. Sweetie, listen to this.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

Yakutia. Okay, okay. There is a city. Watched this incredible fucking documentary last night. It's a city in Russia, very close to the Arctic. Motherfucking freezing ass bitch. Like it is most of the city. Is it.

[B]

Siberia?

[A]

This is Siberia. Okay, Yes.

[B]

I don't want to sound dumb.

[A]

No, no, no. Siberia is. So it's. Siberia is east of Moscow. It's in. It's mostly in Eurasia. It's on the eastern side of the huge country.

[B]

Massive continent.

[A]

Massive, Massive. Massive. Massive. But this is quite north, near the Arctic. And it was built on permafrost, right? Like so these like 10,000 or so buildings.

[B]

I want to structure permafrost for the people here.

[A]

Permafrost is frost. That's kind of permanent. So like it's.

[B]

It's whatever.

[A]

It's ice.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You can build ice.

[B]

It's underground.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So they're drilling down, down through ice into the permafrost, laying like the foundations of these buildings are getting drilled into. Not the really. Not just the core or like bedrock, but permanent with frost. That's permanent ice. That's permanent. However, when Ms. Global Warming shows up, which she is kind of. She's tiptoeing Ms. Global Warming Tiptoe. Well, so that's the thing. The older folks in the town in like the administrative folks, people who are like, you know, in the government or wherever in engineering, they're like, I don't think that's happening. And then the young people are like, boop. And so what's happening is like as the temperature rises even just one or two degrees, eventually those motherfucking buildings are gonna collapse, bitch. 10,000 buildings just gonna go. That's really scary, Yakutia. But there's so another.

[B]

Do you know what it gives? What have you seen? Don't look up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's. Don't look up.

[A]

It's a denial. Yeah, it's just.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

But what's fierce is that the police, like, they patrol around because for drunk people. Because if you're drunk out in the street and you. You don't go home, mama, you can die of. You can freeze to death in 15 minutes.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And if somebody like, there was one scene where like, they got a report of a stolen fur hat and they were saying, that's basically having a gun to your head because of the vulnerability to the elements. Go. You could die. You could die in 10 minutes. That cunt so crazy. So crazy.

[B]

Where I'm from, it's cold, long windows. Older people live alone. They'll like fall hurt themselves on the way to the mailbox, and people won't find them till spring. Yeah, it's from grandma. There she is.

[A]

September to. It's like 10 months of winter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

[B]

That's like horror movie. Yeah, yeah. Horror movie Frost.

[A]

They were saying, oh, you know, it's kind of mild. It's only minus 40 degrees Celsius. I was like wild, crazy.

[B]

That's scary.

[A]

It's super scary. I could never do it.

[B]

Hims, baby, listen, I'm gonna tell you that when I was at my lowest, just maybe a year plus ago, I had to be honest with myself and dabble into the world of ED treatment. And if ED is getting you down and you need HIMS to get your confidence, among other things back up, HIMS is here to provide access to treatments that can help you stay hard longer and last longer. Okay. So you can be ready whenever the mood strikes. Feeling a little stalled out in the bedroom. Through hims, you can get some gas back in the tank with personalized ED treatment options that are accessible without ever stepping foot into a doctor's office. Something I loved about it is it's at a time where I was really just rehabilitating myself and focusing on my happiness. It was a great little bridge to know that I could perform. HIMS provides access to a range of doctor trusted ED treatments like chewable tablets Viagra and Cialis. And their generics are up to 95% less dollars and the process is 100% online, so there's no need for uncomfortable doctor's visits. No insurance is needed. And one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. With thousands of trusted subscribers. Himss can help you find the ED option that works for you. Start your free online Visit [e-mail] Baltimore that's himshims.com bald for your personalized ED treatment options. Hims.com bald the featured product includes compounded products which are not approved nor verified for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.

[A]

This episode of the Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Roe. GLP1s are all over the place at the moment, and there's a really good reason why. If you want to get a GLP one, it's usually for one of two you've struggled with your weight for years and it's led to serious long term health issues or you're a little bit overweight and you want some help dropping those last few pounds for a special event, a health concern, or simply to look great this summer. While Hollywood thinks it's only about looking thin and fabulous, it's also about heart disease, cardiovascular issues, high blood pressure, diabetes, and just as importantly, mental health. So if you need a little help in the weight or health arena, the one thing you don't need is for it to be difficult to get. Getting your hands on GLP1s like Ozempic and Wegovy are enough of a hassle. Negotiating with your insurance provider shouldn't be something else you need to worry about. The good news is that RO is here to help. No one likes calling their insurance provider to see if their medication is covered, so Ro's insurance checker lets you know if you're covered for GLP1s all for free. If you're eligible for GLP1s and want to see if you're covered, all you have to do is submit your insurance card and RO will take care of the rest. No paperwork, no negotiating, no waiting on hold. Ro's Free Insurance Checker will send you a comprehensive report of your coverage details so you can make a decision that's right for your goals and your budget. Plus, ROE members have access to support throughout the process. Your provider will be available on demand for any questions you may have. While I haven't had the need for GLP1s, they are the right choice for a lot of people who struggle with their weight. So if you need to drop some pounds and want to achieve your health goals for a lower price, join the over 350,000 people who've trusted ROE to check their coverage for free. Go to Roe Co Bald for your free insurance check. That's Ro Col Co Bald to see if your insurance covers GLP1s for free. Go to Ro Safety for Black box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications.

[B]

If you haven't already heard, FX has a new original comedy series out now called Adults, which after watching the trailer feels all too familiar. Adults is a comedy that will feel relatable if you ever also find humor in struggles of being an adult in 2025. You know, like remembering your own Social Security number or remember to drink water or perhaps having your third existential crisis of the month. Best part is that all episodes are ready for your next weekend binge Watch F Adults Wednesday on fx. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. In case you haven't heard, it's officially in Abercrombie Summer. The A and F Vacation shop has everything on your packing mood board. I desperately need their new one piece, the A and F Marina. It's strapless, so flattering and paired with denim shorts will be my Go to.

[A]

Beach outfit this summer.

[B]

Finally. Your suitcase isn't complete without finding that dress.

[A]

You know, the one for the photo shoot.

[B]

Abercrombie's boho dresses have that perfect, beachy, romantic look. Make it an Abercrombie Summer shot. Their newest arrivals in store online and in the app. Went to a spinal doctor because I was having some back pain on my Australian, like my tour and, you know, I'm always trying to see what's wrong with me. So I go to a spinal specialist and they do an X ray in office.

[A]

Lordosis, kyphosis, scoliosis.

[B]

He sits down and he goes, so do you have numbness in your legs and hands and you have sciatica? I said, no. He said, the way your neck is, were you in a traumatic injury? The wig? He goes, your spine, it looks like one of the vertebrae is so displaced from the bend that are you pins.

[A]

And needles from wigs?

[B]

And I said, no, I'm okay. He said, I'm afraid that just one day you just will lose feeling in your legs from this. He said, you might just wake up one day and not be able to move and then we'll be more serious. And I go, oh my God. He goes, goes, or it could be nothing. They go, perfect. Hot and cold, sun and moon. Great. Love the diagnosis.

[A]

You're hot, you're cold, you're yes and you're no.

[B]

So they sent me for more seed. I don't know. I don't know. CT and MRI and X ray, I don't know.

[A]

They're very different.

[B]

But I get to everything. I go and get the work.

[A]

Well, MRI is the one where you. You would know it. I did. You cannot move in.

[B]

It's terrible in the dial up machine.

[A]

Yeah, you're like horrifying.

[B]

So then he. He calls me and he goes, you're fine. It's just a congenital defect. Your spine goes a little more like this. Your posture. It's just.

[A]

I saw I signed the wrong X ray, so I was like.

[B]

I spent a day being like, am I just gonna. One day legs go out.

[A]

Legs overhead, like a pretzel.

[B]

So I was scared for about 72 hours.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say it's all from giant wig. Like, like, you know what I mean?

[B]

I think it's dragonly part of that, but I don't know.

[A]

You have terrible posture.

[B]

What is Doctors.

[A]

Well, you know what? Good, good point. Because I was reading the. I would have this president's book and last night I read about George Washington county. Six two.

[B]

Wait a minute. You're just sitting home reading what presidents.

[A]

I was in my bed. Excuse me. I was in my bed doing my late night reading and I turned because.

[B]

I'm reading non fiction about presidents, baby.

[A]

What is this country, the US of A? I want to know. So. So he was.

[B]

That's weird.

[A]

It is not weird. I'm an American. So Ms. Washington, she was fierce as hell. And she had, you know, like the old. There was a Miss Cherry Tree. Wooden teeth, all that jazz. None of that. None of that. But girls, she did have fierce dentures because her teeth were hammer time. And she even had apparently a set made out of hippo teeth which were very hippo bones, very porous. Drank so much wine those turned black. Boo. Get into it. Yeah. And. And like it was.

[B]

Take the teeth out to drink the wine.

[A]

Thank you. Gum that wine or.

[B]

Well, they probably didn't have straws back then, but. Well, I don't know if it was straws were imagined from a bamboo shoot or something. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

It's a good.

[B]

It's a good read in the book, baggot. And you get back to me. Do your own research.

[A]

Well, you know, they wanted to make him king. He said no, ma' am.

[B]

I just wonder, like, if you don't want to get coffee stains in your teeth, you can drink through a straw so it doesn't hit the teeth.

[A]

No, you boof it. Can we put that to rest once and for all?

[B]

Boofing.

[A]

No, not boofing. In General but boofing coffee girl. Get a grip. Get a life and get over it.

[B]

Enemas. Get a grip.

[A]

Get a life and get over it.

[B]

They love it.

[A]

They don't, they shouldn't and they will not.

[B]

People love it.

[A]

Just boof regular drugs. Get a grip. You know what I mean? If you're gonna go to the trouble of boofing cold brew, put some cocaine in there, right? You know what I mean?

[B]

Do you think, do you think. Do you think meeting a man or woman on vacation and then moving them here for a 90 day visa is crazy?

[A]

It's how Stella got her groove back.

[B]

I think it's. I watched that show for so long and in the beginning I was like, it's the beautiful story about people just trying to connect. You can judge their situations, but you're like, these people just want to connect. And now when I watch it, I just am like, what?

[A]

So I don't trust anything like that that's televised. Do you know what I mean? I trust a competition show. I trust like a renovation show. I trust like, you know, an obstacle course or whatever. But these kind of life things, life moments, these personal romantic moments, these like, match. I don't trust any of that. I just see people who want to get free bikinis on Instagram, right? That's all I see. I see. I see grifters.

[B]

I want to reach through the TV when I watch the show and I want to go like.

[A]

Snap out of it.

[B]

Yeah. It's like this one guy, he's with this girl, he's from Jamaica and he's with this blonde girl.

[A]

That's how Stella got her groove back, besides the blonde.

[B]

And she's like. And. And he's like, yeah, I lost my virginity at eight. I stole my dad.

[A]

Eight.

[B]

Yeah. I stole my dad's girlfriend. I've had lots of other girlfriends who are women from other countries who send me money, but this time it's different. And then you have these people going to dinner with their mom and dad and their parents and sisters and best friends voicing very clear concerns. And they're like, no, you guys don't know him. And it's always just like, fuck, dude. Other thing is, get into this. This girl flies from Mexico to be with her lovely boyfriend. And she gets to his apartment and she's opening drawers to see like, oh, where should I put my stuff? And she goes, what's this? It's a pair of panties from another woman. She left her whole family, left her whole life to be with him. Finds and he goes, that's from years ago. And I know it might be from years ago, but I'm like, can you. Can you clean the house before your girlfriend leaves her whole family to be with you? Mama, hide the panties.

[A]

You just say, I'm so ashamed. Those are my panties. You know what I mean? Easy peasy.

[B]

Or these straight men who have. These women come. Who don't clean or, oh, I haven't told her yet that I live with my mom. I guess I'll tell her on the way home from the airport, like. And I know that part of the issue is that America has apparently really good PR where every other country thinks that Americans have, like, gold toilets. And so these people are coming to what, I guess what they believe is a huge opportunity change in their life, and then they move into a split level with someone's mom.

[A]

Yeah. They show up in a flop house in Des Moines.

[B]

And I do feel sometimes like these doughy white men on the Internet, these day traders and these coders have lied to these women. But also, it goes both ways. It's not always a male. It's not always a. Oftentimes it's a female American and a. The non American person is male from somewhere else.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So it's not really gendered in some of the deception. But I just also feel like no matter how well you get to know someone on Zoom, basically, and sometimes it's like, oh, we're together, we had sex on vacation, and she got pregnant, so she's moving here for 90 days, and she'll have her baby in the country.

[A]

And also TLC will film it. That's the part where I. That's where I'm like, what?

[B]

Well, can I tell you, one of my issues with that is I love the Thousand Pound Sisters. I love Tammy, Amy. Why are these women living. What are they being paid to make this TV show that they, still on the show, are struggling to survive?

[A]

Let me. Let me direct your attention to something we can both relate to. Do you remember the day rate for each episode of a certain reality television? 400 a day.

[B]

Yeah. No, per episode. Wasn't it per episode, which is two days per episode. Hell, yeah.

[A]

Oh, oh, speaking of which, we.

[B]

Okay, so 10 years. 10. I know.

[A]

10 years.

[B]

This summer, I am going on another little break. Little Menti baby. You know, Little Menti B, they're gonna put me in the.

[A]

My favorite abbreviation.

[B]

They're gonna put me in the med spa for a couple.

[A]

Menti B. Yeah.

[B]

Home invade. And so to disengage from some of the workload of this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We have wanted to re watch season seven and now that it's ten years ago.

[A]

Ten years. And we're gonna focus, we're gonna do insider angle from a different perspective. We're not gonna be like, oh, I hated my. We're gonna. It's gonna be fresh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And honestly, we're telling the people now because the comments, which we do watch, if you guys have any really valuable input, we're happy to steal your ideas.

[A]

Oh, yes, please. Yeah.

[B]

I think we should do like, per episode. Lord. I don't think we should recap it.

[A]

No. Because we've all seen it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But I do think we should kind of touch on, like, what do we remember about this episode? What do we not remember at all?

[A]

Yeah. Also some stuff that's like. I mean, I think our NDAs are past the point of whatever. Whatever. But, like, I mean, I. I don't want to talk anybody, but I. I don't know that we. Maybe we have. I'm probably certain we have let a lot of, like, behind the scenes info out, like about certain PAs and certain things like that or the food or whatever. But I don't know. I'm always interested in that stuff. I love, like, how the sausage is made, etc.

[B]

I don't think I want to have guests.

[A]

No.

[B]

But I really want to have voice notes. I want to have the girls send voice notes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, so was that lip sync? Like, what was it?

[A]

You know, questions like, comment like, what is your burning question for maybe who was eliminated on this episode? Yeah, you know, like, what do you want to know? And don't fucking be cute. Don't be. Don't be flipping or glib or stupid. Like, I want a good question.

[B]

I have to tell you, I'm actually a little excited to watch it because I. I don't remember it now. All Stars.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wiped my memory of season.

[A]

I am horny for shakes. Queer. I am horned. I am chubbed. I am viagrad.

[B]

I remember that.

[A]

I'm bloodshot diva for Shakespeare. I cannot wait to see that train wreck again, because that was truly unbelievable.

[B]

Yeah, it just. We're gonna get to. Wasn't funny. The script wasn't funny. The script was rotten.

[A]

I want to talk about. How about RuPaul looking insensational every episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She had a renaissance, I think, at that. Not really a renaissance.

[B]

Beyonce's renaissance.

[A]

She did. And cowboy Carter, of course. No, but she. I mean, the. We could talk about the promo day.

[B]

Oh, we Got it.

[A]

The promo day was legendary.

[B]

We were talking about doing something nefarious like putting this behind a paywall. But I think that people have a right to know. I think we got a screaming from the. If you're.

[A]

The.

[B]

If you're. If you're the news.

[A]

Joey. No Joy.

[B]

No get out here. All right, Evan Ross. Cat, you better open hootsuite. You better publish something. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Get off Nicole Kidman's dick and come into the studio.

[B]

I'm really. And you know what? We obviously have stayed, I think, most of our season seven people like us, we're still friends with them, I think.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I want to hear voice notes from Jaden. Do her fierce. I want to get the.

[A]

Katie, the new mother Miss Fame.

[B]

New mother Miss Fame. I want Candy Ho. Open up the notes app, sis. I want all the horse season seven girls. If you're. If this is reaching you, get ready for the. The requests for voice notes.

[A]

Yeah, seriously. Also, I, I. Yeah, I remember. It's so, so funny because I remember the. The distinctly feeling, like when the promo came out, how booger boot nasty, awful we all looked. Except Ru looked fucking sensational.

[B]

There were some.

[A]

We all looked shitty.

[B]

You know what that's like?

[A]

Even Miss Fame. Yeah, we all looked shitty.

[B]

We gotta talk about that. We gotta talk about that promo shoot, Mama. The white wall.

[A]

I had a. And the funny thing is I had the most. I had a blast that day. I had. It was one of the funniest. It was the most fun day I've had on the whole thing. Mama. We all looked a mess. It was all rotten. Except Ru looked other. I mean, she yanked it off. We hadn't seen her legs in, like 20 years.

[B]

I see him.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

She doesn't know I see him.

[A]

No, but she. It was the great reveal of those stems, right?

[B]

Because she. Yeah, because she wasn't a leg girl. She goes through phases.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now she is a leg girl, but sometimes she covers them for a long time.

[A]

No, she. From season one to season six, they were all covered up. It was all gowns and gowns and gowns.

[B]

Up until she showed the legs. I thought she just had two Olive Garden breadsticks under there.

[A]

I thought it was a segue.

[B]

Wait a minute. Can we talk about. We have to talk about. I want to talk about Neelae bait. We got to talk about Melee. We got to talk about vacuums. Now, I want you to know. And this is a message. This is a message for me to Dyson.

[A]

Oh, mama. Dyson. I Got your number, hussy.

[B]

You.

[A]

You.

[B]

Yeah. We don't know you. We don't see you.

[A]

We never even met you in my life. Except I have you.

[B]

You betrayed 700 vacuum that runs for eight minutes, for what, four minutes?

[A]

I am so shocked and betrayed right now. I have. And let me never in my life.

[B]

Thought I'd make a video like this.

[A]

We. Tati Westbrook. You. You better thank your stars that you are not. That it's not Tati Westbrook and Trisha Paytas right here because we have your number.

[B]

Get. Get Tati down here. Get. Get them all down here.

[A]

James Charles.

[B]

James Charles. Get me.

[A]

Yes. Get them all sucking. Not sucking dick and sucking dirt and hair.

[B]

Sucking debris and skin.

[A]

I was just. You read my mind. Because I was. Mama. I was on Mila's website last night for an hour and a half. Talked to Jennifer Kogis about it.

[B]

You took a break. You took a break from your Melee website to go read about the presidents and then go to bed? What kind of crackhead are you?

[A]

I took a break from my actual me Melee. Like, and I was like. Did somebody say something about a cordless melee?

[B]

By the way, if this is you with freedom, I can't imagine how far you are, sweetie.

[A]

Mama, what do you think I was doing in the dining room of your house at your party? The vacuum.

[B]

I know. So we. I go to the Melee store in Beverly Hills.

[A]

Yeah. Beverly Hills vacuum.

[B]

Yes. Because my lost. Lost the Dyson in the separation.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So it's time to get the rinse to that ugly. That vacuum. So I go to the Melee store and it's a big, red, plush, thick carpet in the Melee experience store. There's a chef cooking in the fake kitchen who comes over and throws food on the carpet. And then you vacuum it up. Yeah, they had focaccia and chocolate chip cookies.

[A]

That's fucked up. I went into Beverly Hills vacuum on Santa Monica and he put down kitty litter. Kitty litter.

[B]

Oh, they did it too.

[A]

And yeah, your friend put. Put birdseed on the floor for me. Yes. And it was like, that was not birdseed. Human.

[B]

That was.

[A]

Was it Ojibwe?

[B]

Long grain rice for my reservation. That is expensive and hard to get my people's rice using for a vacuum demo. Feeding the birds in the home.

[A]

Well, girl, it was wild. I went up. So a few years ago when I was at the old place, I had so in the studio, my old, old studio with Andrew, we had old studio. The studio that turns you into a stupid bitch. Now, I had one of Them Dyson's. Because I was like, you know, the.

[B]

Studio that turned you to a crossing.

[A]

Because it is very seductive and Americans and everybody worldwide listen to me. You need to get. You need to unhook your psyche from the myth that a cordless vacuum works well. Now the exception, of course, is the $1,000 melee. But we'll get into that Accord office.

[B]

The cordless vacuum is the lamestream media lame stream drumming up a big fallacy.

[A]

Fake news. Now, I have had two Dysons, extremely expensive.

[B]

I have the Pet Plus.

[A]

Would you have the Pet plus the Dyson?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I had a six in a $800 Dyson. Fucking expensive. I was like, ooh, this is a big investment. I'm gonna have it for the rest of my life.

[B]

You told me to buy mine.

[A]

Eat my ass, huh?

[B]

You're the one who told me.

[A]

Because I was brainwashed, right Now I'm like Kimmy Schmidt out in the light.

[B]

Indoctrinated. You groomed me, you groo. Groomer, Willis.

[A]

I bought it at Groomingdale's at the Experience store.

[B]

They throw white rice on the red carpet and vacuum.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So this woman comes over and I don't want to.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I gotta. I gotta. I gotta. I gotta finish trash talking Dyson. So after. It's just it. Lose it. She. She's. She is really diabolical because the first couple months, she really gets you hooked.

[B]

The first three months, she kind of is in her honeymoon period.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like, oh, she's got like the fresh.

[A]

She's like, I'll take care of.

[B]

She got the wet pussy. Yeah, she's cooking bolognese for you.

[A]

But then she stops cooking. She stops showering every week. And then.

[B]

And then she starts, you know, you check her location. She's not where you said she's going to. She's suddenly all of a sudden talking to her ex. And like, you know, things are changing, so.

[A]

And then the real kicker is when. So it's got a regular. I has eco regular. And then like ultra for the. This.

[B]

The mama is the only acceptable one.

[A]

Yeah. And let me tell you something. And this is not an exaggeration. This is not an exaggeration. Fully charged ultra at the end of her. At the. As of now, if I took it out. 12 seconds.

[B]

I'm not kidding.

[A]

And it's not an exaggeration. It 12 seconds. It now at its. At its peak. 90.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Two minutes maximum. And then you really got it. And that's the only suction level that really makes a difference. Dyson sucks shit. You are a flop. Shithead. And then. So when I went to Mila and I was like. I was like, this vacuum is going to be expensive, but it's gorgeous. It's retro. But the cord, you really have to, like, just unbrainwash yourself, because if you want suction power, you got to plug it in the wall.

[B]

I got the wireless.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I know that my lovely housekeeper Maria. Hello, Maria. I know that she likes mobility, and she likes to climb up and down the stairs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With the vacuum and get the done quick.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

She's not running the cord. She's got place. Places to go.

[A]

Now, as a very wealthy person, what I would suggest to you. One on every floor, maybe. So, you know, and that's what I'm about to do. I know it's not relatable. I know this is not. Is not accessible, but.

[B]

Oh, darling, this is the upstairs vacuum.

[A]

No, no, no, no. But. But because. Because of the court. I'm still. I'm still.

[B]

You need a wet vac for your bedroom.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Stop that.

[B]

Something to suck the silicone out of that cheap carpet.

[A]

Oh, girl, that'll never happen. But, like. But this is the thing about. So I've. I've turned a corner on. On prioritizing items that are expensive. I think you should. Like, why. Why is it. So. Why do we Want to buy $120,000 car when we should buy a $30,000 mattress? Think about it.

[B]

No, mama.

[A]

How much time you spend in that car? No, they can be. Ask Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't know the exact figure, but there was a. There was an article that I read. I was dying. She was. She and Goop, I believe, partnered with a mattress company. I want to say it's avocado, but I'm not exactly sure. And she was. She was. She was saying, listen, this is not relatable.

[B]

I lost a half day of sleeping.

[A]

Yeah, I know. She's like, listen, this is not relatable. I know this is not accessible to most people, but I just. I sleep on a $60,000 mattress, and I have to tell you, it's just heaven. And I'm like, girl, I drive a car that it's MSRP in. The year was close to $60,000. She ain't nothing. I don't spend 10 hours a day in that fucking car.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Eight hours a day.

[B]

Okay, that I guess I get. But also, she's never been to heaven.

[A]

No, but I'm gonna Believe that. You know what I mean though? Like I would say if I had to choose between a fucking cunt tricked out, gorgeous, nasty mattress in a Toyota Camry, girl, I'm doing the Camry. Fuck the Lexus. And then I'm gonna do the mattress. Because when I get in that mattress at night, I nut.

[B]

I don't know though, I. I'm currently driving a Volvo and I. It's the nicest car I've ever gotten to drive and I can hit a person and not feel the bump.

[A]

Like, wait, no, you hit people and don't feel the bump?

[B]

Oh, of course I do. You know, but like I can hit a pothole in Hollywood and it's like, oh, okay, sure, sure, sure.

[A]

I mean, why at this point in your bracket, why not both?

[B]

Both, of course, my bracket. This is my bracket.

[A]

You're a rich ass bracket.

[B]

Don't you do the same gigs as me for the same money?

[A]

No, girl, I work about one day a year. I'm at home on my $6,000.

[B]

Ca presidents you.

[A]

Although I'm being indicted for reading about American history.

[B]

I guess at this stage in America I'm not used to people actually learning anything.

[A]

It's like, why didn't you doing coke like everybody else?

[B]

Girl, what kind of crackhead are you? You should be, you know, twirling the pookie. My God, you should get the biggest cocky pay. The pay a prostitute with the biggest dick in the world just to do a line off it.

[A]

Girl, I got a story about that.

[B]

Can I tell you my melee story?

[A]

Please, please, please.

[B]

Store and the. The. And I, I think to myself, surely this isn't a paid in, in in. Okay, so at the Melee store, it's a big fake kitchen. There's fake fridges, fake everything. All Beverly Hills.

[A]

So I went to Beverly Hills vacuum. Is this different?

[B]

I went to the melee experience.

[A]

Oh, I gotta go.

[B]

I'm going today where they have the melee.

[A]

Let's wrap this up.

[B]

So mile fridge, melee stove, everything. Mary.

[A]

I had a mealay stove at the house on Contento.

[B]

Conti. Conti.

[A]

Mommy, those Germans fuck you up in the kitchen.

[B]

Yeah, when I had the party and I had to cook all that food, you know, I realized I have 10.

[A]

Burners, 10 burner phones, Melee phones.

[B]

No fucking stove, you faggot.

[A]

I thought you had one of those fucking la cornue ovens that every rich person has and doesn't use.

[B]

Oh, it's the big chill.

[A]

The brand.

[B]

The brand is the big chill.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So anyway, I'm at the store and somebody's making focaccia. I'm like, all right, what kind of store is this? This is crazy, right?

[A]

They're making bread in the vacuum store.

[B]

Yes. Dead ass. I walk in, I'm like, I'd like to see your pet vacuum, please. Your dog and cat vacuum that I. What I seen on the Tick Tock. And I look over and there's a chef pulling like a. Pulling a bread out of the oven. Like, hey, kids. Like, I was like, what? And so I'm chatting and we're looking at the vacuum, whatever. And then the, the person cooking is like, it really is a great vacuum. Cutting up the bread. And I'm. I'm thinking to myself, what is going. I want to ask, what are you doing here? Don't you have a kitchen at home? Like, what are you doing? Or where are you? The Vanna White of the relay store? And so then they go, do you want to try it? And the food person, the cooker comes over and just throws rice on the red carpet. And then we're vacuuming. Wow. It's really sucking it up. It's really a stunning vacuum.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Now the person who worked in the store that day and you know, everybody gets onboarded at a business at different times. And you're only going to get good at your job by going to work every day and learning more. I did see a binder open with a lot of handwritten notes. So I was like, this is probably a new melee rep. And that's okay. I know less than you.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So you're already going to blow my mind.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

And I'm not here to be critical about employees who don't know every single thing about the product. Okay. So she gets down and she's showing me the vacuum. She looks great. She has like a white shirt. She's like a black, like, cigarette cut, like, leg. She kind of gave.

[A]

She kind of gave.

[B]

Uma Thurman, Pulp Fiction.

[A]

Oh, fabulous.

[B]

She looked great. She's down on the floor and she's like, the vacuum does come apart and you can use it in this way, this way, this way. And she's trying to reassemble it. And I can tell that she is not clear on how that happens. So I'm watching her try to configure this. And then she kind of eventually goes, I just came from my apartment and my air conditioning's out, so I'm just a little winded. And I said, oh, okay. Well, I believe you that it can do that. It can go apart three ways. And she said, this is the pet, the cat and dog model. Do you have pets? And I said, no. And she goes, you cannot purchase this. Like gatekeeping, vetted, pun intended. They were like. I was like, I couldn't buy. She goes, goes, you don't have you. She goes, I'm.

[A]

Baby.

[B]

It was like she took the keys out of my hand. Like, you cannot purchase this.

[A]

Mom, I'm walking in that store. I got a Shetland sheepdog. I gotta. I gotta put on the radiant.

[B]

Walk in. Yeah. Riding a horse, covered in white cat hair covered. And so we did end up getting the normal vacuum, which, you know, I just feel like as a drag queen, pet pro means I want to be able to suck up a bobby pin, baby.

[A]

I want to suck up a toddler. I'm not. I want a toilet that flushes your coat down it.

[B]

I want to jerk off, grab the melee and suck the semen off my eight pack and go down, you know, go down to the Planet Fitness. What I don't use theoretically, baby, when.

[A]

I tell you that. So I had, So I had. I had a David, our manager's housekeeper come over with a while ago. A while ago. And they brought in a. A Dyson. A Dyson. And I was like. I was like.

[B]

I rolled.

[A]

No, no. I said. I was like, oh, you can put that over there.

[B]

New money.

[A]

No, I said, why don't you set that down there? I'll be right back, mama. I came in nude, wet with that melee. And I said, why don't you try this little girl? She was like.

[B]

She was like, okay, tucked back everything.

[A]

And she was a little annoyed, but with the cord and she. And after I came back, she's like, that vacuum isn't incredible. And she. I think she tossed the dice into the middle of the street and killed somebody.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it was. It's.

[A]

It's wild.

[B]

But people really expensive. I will say I was in shock.

[A]

800.

[B]

Well, that supposed to be 20% off. And she said, this is not a select model. The sale is for select models.

[A]

Yeah. And I said, but you know what? Here's the thing though.

[B]

I'm selecting it right now.

[A]

I worked at. I went away. I worked at Dorothy's boutique for seven years. And my cheap ass boss. You know where we got our vacuums from? The dump. He used to go to the dump and get vacuums. And guess what? The lifespan on those fucking dump vacuums was 3. 3 to 15 days. Yeah, I'm not joking. I'm not. Like every month it was a new dump vacuum. That sucked. And it smelled like shit when the. When the band would get all whacked up, whatever, if we had invested. Because it is an investment. And I know it's hard for people who are living check to check to say, even consider a 6 to 800 vacuum. I know that sounds wild. Steal it. Absolutely.

[B]

Do you know at Best Buy, you know what? The corporations, they can't chase you out of the store when you steal. Just grab it.

[A]

Just grab it. Also know about that because these, if you buy it, it's got a fierce warranty.

[B]

Just steal it. When I worked at Ulta, this woman used to steal DKNY blue, put it up her long linen skirt and walk out like this.

[A]

But, baby.

[B]

And the boss would go, oh, yeah, you can't take it.

[A]

But, baby, you know what they do? They catch you. Those cameras record. And once they accumulate, they accumulate you grand larceny.

[B]

Oh, cunty.

[A]

Oh, they wait. They do.

[B]

But they wait for you to hit a thousand.

[A]

They're like, yeah, go ahead.

[B]

You'll be back.

[A]

Yeah, you know, then what? Then they nab you for Grand Larson. You're going to the cling for 20 years.

[B]

You got to diversify your portfolio. You don't steal from the same store every day.

[A]

Target, Lowe's.

[B]

You steal once and never go back.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

You know, yeah, I can't go into that Starbucks. Why? I took a person. You know, I stole an employee.

[A]

Human trafficked.

[B]

I saw blue hair and I just grabbed. So.

[A]

But guess where I'm going about two hours from now, baby.

[B]

From now?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where?

[A]

Beverly Hills Vacuum.

[B]

Are you going to Melee.

[A]

I'm doing this bougie thing. You can read me all you want. One for each fucking floor, baby.

[B]

How many floors do you have?

[A]

Three.

[B]

You're getting three vacuums?

[A]

Two more.

[B]

This is why you're always in financial ruins.

[A]

Well, how dare you? I never said I was broke out.

[B]

Do crazy shit.

[A]

Crazy shit. Do you have a housekeeper?

[B]

No, baby, the vacuum. Get a housekeeper.

[A]

No, but, Mama, you don't realize I am Doris Day. Baby, I'm. I'm June Cleaver with that vacuum. I put on my little apron, my long skirt.

[B]

Do you know you really need. And I know we have to go.

[A]

I have all this free time. What do you think I'm doing? I'm around with that vacuum up the ass.

[B]

What you really need is I have this wet vac from Bissell Bristle. Bissell, Bissell. You put the detergent or whatever and the water, hot water in the top over carpet cleaner, and it wets and sucks the carpet at the same time.

[A]

Baby. I know about that. You let me borrow her.

[B]

I'm about to do it.

[A]

Didn't love her.

[B]

You didn't like it?

[A]

No, it's too much.

[B]

It gets the carpet clean.

[A]

I know it does, but it's too much.

[B]

Well, you also have to wait like a day for it. You can't walk in that room.

[A]

No, it's too much. And I'm walking, you know, I'm doing the beat of my house. I'm going up and down. I'm walking around.

[B]

Can you believe she wouldn't let me buy the pet one?

[A]

I, I, that was, that was. You better go.

[B]

Excellent cat lady.

[A]

Sweetie. That's excellent information because I'm going with my species names. I'm going with. I'm going, I'm going to pre pre hair myself.

[B]

Go down to the, go down to the Birds plus in Van Nuys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Buy a giant parrot. Put on the shoulder.

[A]

I'm calling my sister the vet. And it's like talking about my cat with the worms. I'm gonna really lay it on thick. Yeah. So thank you.

[B]

Say you're a furry. Do puppy people count?

[A]

No, they don't shed hair like real. Right?

[B]

I don't have any pets, but my boyfriend is a pup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So give me the vacuum.

[A]

She has a butt plug tail that really leaves a lot of shit on the carpet.

[B]

But also she'd be like, this is what the vacuum should be. Pet plus, Pet pro. Whatever. Gay person. Puppy play Puppy Drag queen. Ooh, drag queen. I mean I'm vacuuming up entire wigs.

[A]

Well, see, you know, that's where the Dyson really gets fucked up. Because in the studio, if he pulls a pin, rhinestones, all that stuff. Really like yeah, yeah.

[B]

Also the plastic hair wraps around the thing and you have to cut it off.

[A]

Sweetie, when I tell you I've had that X acto knife scraping and scraping and scraping. It's a huge pain in my ass.

[B]

But it's very satisfying. It's like cleaning the lint trap. I love that shit too.

[A]

You know what I did just the other day? I cleaned a lint trap, but I left it out. And then I took that melee on high with the attachment. Sucked all way the the in there. And I almost had a boner.

[B]

I just got full body chills.

[A]

We gotta go.

[B]

Okay, bye.

[A]

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