Podcast
tiny changes-Big Shift podcast
Hosted by vickidawn consulting & coaching LLC · EN
This is a leadership development show designed to help you transform your life and your business one step at a time. Guests are people who have been there: frustrated, isolated, trapped and stuck. They found using small steps to reconnect to their values gave them energy to recreate and lift their life to new places. They provide tips and tools that are simple, relatable and easy. If you are in transition, a time of change, or have lost your way, our guests provide clarity.
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episode 30 - Having Difficult Conversations
Mar 3, 202200:28:10Tap to summarizeSummary: Toi B James and I explore her book "Talk About It." Toi gives a 12-step process to help move the most difficult conversation forward. She gives us insight into a process that works. I appreciated the book and the dignity that it can give you in approaching these situations that can challenge the best of us. We all have them, after all. Vickidawn: Our episode today is Number 30, Having Difficult Conversations. My guest is Toi B James author of Talk About It - 12 Steps to Transformational Conversations, Even When you Disagree. Can you tell us a little bit more about your book, a little bit about you, what you do? Toi: Sure. The book talks about - it really is a practical guide that people can use to have difficult conversations. When we say courageous conversations, this book really gives you 12 steps based on coaching techniques. As a certified coach, we are trained to actively listen, hold space for people in a real way, navigate difficult conversations. The book really gives readers practical tools. As far as my background, I am the founder and Chief Impact Officer of RedInk Enterprises, which is a boutique DEI&B, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging Firm that specializes in inclusive communications and engagements. Vickidawn: Thank you. Well, thank you for being here and I'm excited for our show topic today. We all have those conversations that are difficult. We get stuck repeating the same conversation. I know my husband and I spent some years doing that, revisiting them and we could almost write the script. And some topics also are so uncomfortable, we just don't know how to move them forward. Maybe a work relationship or a family situation. Your book, I found really valuable in that way because it does give you such a nice framework to go deeper. I appreciate it so much. Toi: Thank you so much. Vickidawn: You share in your book that you've had uncomfortable moments when others were insensitive in their comments around race. Some people would just wait for others to just get it, but this book is very proactive and empowering. What allowed you to develop the 12 steps to transformative conversations? Toi: Yes. In the intro of the book is a story about a friend of mine, Masud Olufani, who's an artist who was talking to a gentleman after a performance that depicts the selling of enslaved people here in Atlanta. After the presentation or after the performance, which was amazing, an older white gentleman walked up to him and said, "Why are we still talking about this?" Although I couldn't really hear everything - I wanted to - I was trying - I monitored the body language and the patience in the active listening and how he kept the door open for understanding for the both of them. After the conversation, I fast forward a couple of weeks I met with him. I was like, how did that go? How did you do that? That would've paralyzed me because at the time, so much was happening in the country that was harmful and painful as a black woman to navigate in the world. Talking about race became very difficult because of course I've grown up seeing people harmed because of something they can't change. It's just unreasonable, quite frankly, racism is. When I met with my student, I was like, so what happened? He was like, "I gave him my number." I gave him a call to see if he wanted to continue the conversation. We did after some hesitation talk a little bit, I asked him if he would like to continue, can always call me and we can continue talking about what happens within the African American community, our history, why it's important to continue the conversation about our history. He just kind of became my hero in that space. Fast forward, I received an email from a friend of mine who was like, "This would be good for you." It was information about Post Diversity Institute, which is where I was trained as a certified coach. I would have to say after that, I actually got my voice back because I understood that it's not just about my feelings to push a conversation forward. It really is about the people I'm engaging. It's really about discovering. It's really about inquiry. It's really about asking the questions to understand, not necessarily change anyone's minds because we are going to disagree, period, in some cases. When that light bulb moment happens for either one of us, for clarity of understanding, it's a wonderful thing. Then you know there's a door opened to continue. Vickidawn: That is such a different approach to getting defensive or angry, or when there might be a lot of justification to get angry or defensive, in some cases. You give a clear and thoughtful discussion on challenges to approaching conversations around race, politics, religion, and in the workplace. I want to focus on the family and the application of your tools to improve relationships. To start with, you provide three levels of communication in your book. I especially like the distinction of a transformational conversation versus a positional or a transactional conversation. That was a little light bulb moment for me, believe me. Can you tell us the difference and the benefits to use this model to go deeper? Toi: Oh, absolutely. We'll start with transactional, and we all participate in that and really transactional is just asking or telling. Like, "Hey, can you, will you, are we going to, yes, no, we're going to do this instead." However, the response is. End of conversation. Positional is more about advocating, this is where I stand, this is what I believe, this is why. You can even ask, what do you believe and what is your why? Then that's the end unless you actually explore. With transformational conversation, it's really about co-creating because it's about sharing and discovering and asking thoughtful questions and keeping the door open for continued conversations and exploration, which can really just at minimum, you can develop a higher level of understanding, but more importantly, you can build connection to continue as you both grow. I just think having transformational conversations is actually doable even in conversations that are difficult. Vickidawn: I know I wish I had this framework in a couple of work relationships I had in my past that I didn't know how to take it any further. It became really passive- aggressively adversarial, I would say, I know I have, I think most of us do have, conversations with the expectation that we will come to an agreement. You propose that that's not the goal. What is the goal in your opinion? Toi: Okay. I will say in some cases the goal is maybe just to come to some conclusion, but for transformational conversations, it really is to understand and to connect. Again, because there will be moments where you just disagree, but that shouldn't end the conversation, if you explore the why, the when, where did you hear that or where did you get your information or what experience did you have that brought you to this position? Or what if I said this, would this alter your thinking? Not so I change it, but does it add another layer to what you're saying? It really is just about asking thoughtful questions and listening intently to understand what the person's actually saying. When I say listen intently, it's also watching body language, it's listening for the silences and giving them space to think through their thoughts because sometimes questions do that. Not that they necessarily stump you. But they give you pause because it's not something you considered before. If you just hold space for people to let them examine their own thoughts, sometimes the light bulb moment or another thought comes to them in that time, that could change the course of the conversation. Vickidawn: I especially like your use of silence. We like to fill that silence. If we let it be there. I know my husband is a more deliberate, thoughtful person and he needs to take time and think things out. I'm a jabber, jabber, jabber. Giving him that space is probably a big step towards that connection, which I also agree is a very good goal. That's what we all want, isn't it? (We) feel like there's two ships passing in the night sometimes because we're not experiencing that connection. Toi: There are moments where people will not want to understand or connect. They just want to say what they have to say and recognize that, if that's the case, you could decide to listen, like I'm just going to listen because they are not open to a conversation or you could decide, you know what, until we're both ready to really exchange conversations, let's just table this. I think we're both really not prepared to have a serious thoughtful conversation about this. Vickidawn: I like that - that it's a direct approach to not just trying to feel somebody out or getting hurt feelings because you started a conversation and they say, whoa, I don't want to talk about that. I know that listening with empathy and compassion does take effort. Do you have tips on how to show that you're communicating and using them? Toi: I'm sorry, that I'm communicating in what way? Vickidawn: Using the compassion and empathy? Toi: Oh, yes. There is a story in the book that really demonstrates what empathy and compassion are because we tend to use the words interchangeably sometimes, and they're very different. Empathy really is about understanding, I hear you - this is what I heard. Compassion is, I hear you - this is what I heard - what can I do? There's action attached to compassion. The story in the book which is really a...
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episode 29-Kick the Judge to the Curb
Feb 3, 202200:31:42Tap to summarizeLee Ellen and I discuss the destructive nature of letting the judge be in control of life. How it is an enticing, well-worn habit. The judge that came as a guest and stayed as a permanent saboteur. Letting that go takes conscious effort, it doesn't disappear by magic. The rewards are amazing! Vickidawn: I'll start by saying welcome to episode 29 of tiny changes-Big Shift podcast, Kick the Judge to the Curb. I'm excited to have you here, Lee Ellen. Lee Ellen: Well, thank you. It's nice for you to have me. Vickidawn: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself? Lee Ellen: In what capacity? Let's see. Vickidawn: Well, you make jewelry. Lee Ellen: Oh, yes. Yes, I do. I make jewelry and I am a retired mortgage officer and an office manager and a loan closer. I haven't worked for over 11 years, and I have been a sober person for over 14 years. Vickidawn: Yes. Just recently you had a birthday. That's so exciting. Our topic is judgment of yourself, of others, of circumstances, or in the language of our program - people, places, and things. Our judge formed in childhood, as we know, and that's where we absorbed others' opinions and maybe their worldview and incorporated them into our own. Some of them worked and many of them limit us. The biggest way the judge, I name mine the janky judge with an ensemble of characters that I call the hater-aid crew, is - It tells me I can't, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough experience, and this stops me from expressing my gifts because it stops me from taking on new things - unless I really drag myself by the ear and say, "Come on, you're doing it." Right? Lee Ellen: Right. Vickidawn: There is the obvious, of course, the judge that's hard on us. How does your judge show up Lee Ellen? Lee Ellen: Well, my judge shows up-- It's always been there. It's been there since I was young. I have always felt judged by family. I think it showed up as I wasn't ever good enough. I had an older sister who was extremely smart. She was always thin. She was always outgoing, and she was always popular, and I just couldn't compete with that. It was started then, and then pretty soon I quit trying. I myself felt like it didn't matter, I would never be good enough. Not only was I being judged or felt like I was being judged, I judged myself and then I started judging other people. My judge showed up all the time. I lived with the judge. I was the judge. I was judged. Part of my life, it was pretty sad. I just thought that's the way life was. Vickidawn: Yes. I think all of us were so acquainted because at some point the judge convinced us that it's our friend, that it's there to protect us to-- well, in my case, if I do it just perfect, then I am not subject to any judgment because you can't judge perfect, but perfect is such a high bar and I never could reach it and nobody can. I know you're in the program also, and you've worked the program and been diligent about that and done what you needed to do there and still, the judge is present. Were you aware even well into your recovery that you had that judge living there? Lee Ellen: No, I didn't until later in the program after working my steps. In fact, I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had no boundaries, and I grew up in a family with 10 kids and there couldn't be boundaries. Nobody knew what a boundary was. But also, I didn't know how to think nicely of other people. I judged them quietly in my mind and I never thought anything was wrong with that. It was a terrible thing when I found out that, boy, I thought in my mind all the time about somebody when I would see them on the street, when they would walk in my office, when they left my office. I thought that's what they were doing with me is judging me in that way. When I got into the program and found that, no, that's not how people are that they're loving and kind. Somebody said to me once, "Why do you always say such horrible things about people?" I thought, "Well, doesn't everybody?" I actually said to this person, "Well, they don't hear me say it. I don't say it in front of them. They don't hear me say it." She said, "Yes, but you know what? I think when I leave the room, you're probably saying that about me too." Lee Ellen: I never ever thought-- I just thought, "Well. I knew that was happening behind my back." That's what I thought because that's what was happening in my home when I grew up. I really made a conscious effort from that point on to not think those thoughts and then I wouldn't say them, or to not say them then I wouldn't think them. It worked. It really worked, but it took the program and working the steps and taking the catalyst class of yours to weed out those things in my life, those character defects, and being able to name my judge and to say, "Oh, I don't need that. That isn't the part of my life I want. What a shortcoming to have." Vickidawn: You're not alone. That's the other thing. We all have a judge. Lee Ellen: Yes. I didn't think other people did. When I learned how horrible it was that I was being. I thought, "I don't want anybody else to ever know this." Here I am talking about it. Vickidawn: Times change. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: What about circumstances? Do you find that you judge circumstances in your life? Lee Ellen: Well, I did. I always blamed things that have happened in my life as, "Well, that's the reason why I am the way I am." But I think I changed things in my mind to make it okay for me to act the way I act. Well, the way I grew up was the circumstances that made it okay for me to be judgmental. Vickidawn: Oh, sure. Lee Ellen: I don't do that. I don't believe that anymore. Sure, there's a lot of circumstances that happen in your life, but you have a choice as to what to make of them. I lived with those circumstances and what I believed them to be again until I took a class that said, "Let's look at it, let's look at what really happened." [chuckles] It was a little different than what I made it out to be when I looked back and thought, "That isn't the truth." Vickidawn: That's another key point, the judge lies to us. Lee Ellen: It does. It does. Vickidawn: Yes. Lee Ellen: I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe, and it wasn't the truth. Vickidawn: It fits our perception maybe of how we interpreted events, because we are just always meaning-making machines, and as humans, we try to make sense of our experiences and what happened. Of course, when we're young and we're forming these judgements, we don't have the sophistication or maturity. We do form some pretty ridiculous, in my case, judgments about myself and my place in this world and what to expect. Lee Ellen: Right. I'm not sure that I still have the sophistication to figure it out, and that's why I don't want to stop learning. I don't want to stop learning on how to discern what's going on with my emotions and with that judge and how to change those reactions and those thoughts and those shortcomings. I don't want to go back to thinking that way. Vickidawn: Right. You used the word discernment earlier, and I think that's a good place to clarify. Yes, we don't want to put our hand on a hot stove, so our judge telling us, "That is a flipping hot stove. Don't touch it," is a good thing. There are also times where the judge really can come in handy in protecting us or putting up that wall if somebody is being harmful to us. It's not saying we can't discern what is good for us and what's not. It's that, the judge, when it steps in to say, "You're stupid, they're stupid," the one that says, "I can't. Oh, you better not try that because what if you fail." That judge is the one we're talking about here that we want to let go of. Lee Ellen: Yes. I still let that judge tell me, "Oh, you don't want to sell that jewelry you make. It's just not good enough for people. People are going to scoff at it," or, "They're not going to buy it. Don't try." Vickidawn: Yes. Vulnerability. Lee Ellen: I still face that all the time and it takes a lot of changing- Vickidawn: Courage. Lee Ellen: -to change that, to get the courage to just go out there and do it. Vickidawn: Yes, and support, right? Lee Ellen: Oh, definitely. Definitely, yes. The support that I get from the people I know in the program is amazing. Sometimes they push and they push and they push and I like to try to ignore it, but it's there and I have to admit, "Geez, why don't I try it? Why don't I?" What have I got to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Vickidawn: That's another good point. Lee Ellen: I'm 66-years-old, so what else am I going to do? Vickidawn: Yes. What can happen? Lee Ellen: Right. [laughs] Vickidawn: If they don't buy it, okay, they didn't buy it. They're not buying it now when you don't put it out there, right? Lee Ellen: Right, and I get to wear it tomorrow then. Vickidawn: Yes. We know that part of growing is to push ourselves outside our comfort zones and that's what you're talking about there. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: This is also where the judge can ...
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episode 28: Are You Operating Over Regret?
Jan 20, 202200:27:26Tap to summarizeSummary: Amanda and I talk about regret – operating over it and missing opportunities and how to connect with what we value. We talk about forgiveness and compassion for others, and how our own motivations can be buried and that leads us to blame others. Amanda supports mothers through her Daily Dance facebook page, and gives them permission to fail forward. Vicki: Hello, Amanda. So glad to have you here with me today. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. I'm excited to be here today. Vicki: My guest today is Amanda D. She's that real estate mama and founder of The Daily Dance, a journey and exploration of motherhood transformation and failing forward. I love that. I want to talk about that a little bit. She is a first-time mom at 40, entrepreneur, realtor, podcaster, reinventor, village creator, and mom supporter. She's committed to creating connection, freedom, and the courage to fail. Welcome, Amanda. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. Thanks. Vicki: The courage to fail, I love that. Amanda: That was something I have been asking a lot of people and had to ask myself once I became a mom, what's my vision or anybody else's vision of motherhood and what that is personally and what I wanted. The thing that kept coming up for me, and I heard it coming up for other people too, was passing on the courage to fail to their kids, and really it came out as, I want my kids to not be afraid to try things. I want them to be who they are, to explore. It just kept coming to me as, it's having the courage to fail, going for the experience and trying and not getting hung up on whatever result comes up or-- Vicki: Right, or in our society, trying to cover up our mistakes, cover up a failing because what will people think? How would they view us? It's not okay. All of that. I love that, that challenges that right in the face of, let's just have the courage to fail and fall down, pick up the pieces and move on instead of act like, oh my God, that shouldn't have happened, or why did that happen? Amanda: I was going to add to that. It's also something I've learned from watching my son and realized that our natural state is to do that. If you watch a little kid learning to walk, they don't get up and do it right the first time. They don't get up and do it right the first 100 times. Each time they get a little further and not once do you see little kids start to get down on themselves. They might get a little frustrated, but they just keep going until they get it. We as adult onlookers, we just know and assume that they will and encourage them to keep going. Yet somehow, as we age, it gets lost, or it suddenly seems like something we as adults are no longer allowed to do. Vicki: I love your reference to the tiny stages. Each time they get a little further because that's often in life, we focus on the big results and forget to pay attention to the lots of little things that we did to make that happen. Our show today is episode 28, Are You Operating Over Regrets? We had a conversation last week where you mentioned that you don't really experience regret today. You've reclassified if you ever felt regret. The focus is - I've learned something from all my mistakes and all the places where I might have fell short or felt others fell short. Do you mean that you don't feel guilt, shame, remorse, or sorrow, but may have situations where you wish they would've turned out differently, or are you pretty much, nope, everything turned out the way it should have? Amanda: I'm a human being. I most certainly have felt all of those things, guilt, shame, remorse, sorrow, especially in the moment. It's really hard to be regret-free in the moment or the moment right after something. What I mean by that is that I relate this idea of regret - for some reason, when I hear the word regret, I think what would I want to do over? Earlier in life, I think what came up for me was nothing. I just don't even want to go back there. Whatever it was, there was this, you know what? At least where I am now, I got through it, it's done and, you know what? I'd rather leave it as is and move forward than try to go back and do something again, because how do I know that whatever it is I do the second time would really be better. I've also, in this conversation that we've been having, realized that there was also this little bit of those moments are also opportunities for learning. Those things that I want to hang on to, regret, or continue to have negative feelings about, are really missed lessons. Vicki: I like that thinking. Amanda: When some of that stuff comes up, asking what can I learn or what did I learn? I've certainly had moments that I've really beat myself up over and got hung up on, and at some point, I just stopped to ask, what tiny change or just tiny little thing could I do so that it has a purpose, so that that thing serves a purpose? Whether it's making a different decision sometime, the next time, or just what can I pull from it? What can I learn from the experience? What was the opportunity that I got in that experience? Vicki: It sounds like you're talking about taking a detached view, separating from the emotion maybe, and being neutral about what happened in order to look at it from the big picture, looking down maybe. Would that be how you are reflecting? Amanda: Yes. Some of it is in hindsight. It's very rarely am I having this no regrets feeling in the moment that something is happening. It is actually stopping to take the time and ask, what happened there? Really even just asking what happened there. I find that when I hang onto things and I don't do that, the same thing or something very similar happens again. I think this is the universe continuing to give us what we need to grow until we open up and are willing look and say, what can I take from this? What purpose could it serve for me? Vicki: One of the things that I've noticed in my life that you touched on a little bit was, not only what I could have done different, but what is it telling me about - that I keep reflecting back. Even if I don't necessarily have feelings of regret anymore or pain. For an example, I left a job that I had a really tight team. We really worked well together. It was all women, [laughs] and I loved that environment, and we were all supportive of each other. I went to another place to work where that wasn't there, and I kept reflecting back - but missing that team spirit. Had I been a little more present and thought, why am I reflecting on this so much? I might have said, "Well, because team is missing." [laughs] What can I do to create that again? Because instead of waiting for it to happen outside me, what can I do to take responsibility, to create what I want? Do you have any times like that, that reflect on a value maybe? That value for me was team and respect and support. Amanda: I think when I hear that, what automatically comes up in mind to me is my experience with romantic relationships. When I was in my early 20s, I was a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I was in it for about three years. At some point, I left, but I came out of it thinking - I had made this person my whole world - I didn't really understand who I was or what my place was without this person being at the center of it. At that time, I internalized it as that-- There was a lot of, what's the word I'm looking for? Cheating. We'll just say cheating. There was a lot of cheating. [laughter] Vicki: Call it what it is. Amanda: There was just something in that that I made up about myself for a long time that, I wasn't good enough for someone to be committed to. There was a little bit of that but there was also this bigger story from my past and how I watched my parents growing up that like, there was a lot of cheating there too. I also had this story that committed relationships didn't exist in the world. It wasn't real, it was something fake, it was storybook, something that happened on the Disney channel and not in real life. When I internalized this, I spent a large portion of my life not participating in committed relationships. At this point, I'll say trying on different relationship types, the end result is that I was single or felt single and unconnected to a romantic partner for over a decade. Then at some point, I just finally was like - I had the story too that it was always other people weren't committing to me. At some point, I finally-- there was this light bulb that went off that said, if you want people to make that commitment and be all in with you Amanda, you have to be willing to be that as well. For me, at that time, my first tiny step to that was simply admitting that I wanted it because I had convinced myself that I didn't even want this, that it was, I don't know, uncool, didn't matter. Just admitting that I wanted it and then that built into admitting that I deserved it. Then there was practice because then I found I would get involved with the same type of person and know that like, oh, well, in my thought, in my head, I was saying that this is what I wanted. However, then I started looking at who I was choosing as a partner or to get involved with and I'm like, these are unavailable people. I'm still choosing unavailable people but saying that I want something different. Eventually going, aha, if I want to experienc...
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episode 27 Stop: Listen at Your Dependency Risk!
Jan 6, 202200:13:29Tap to summarizeSummary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can't make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go. I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk." You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true. If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself." What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had. I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make. I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself. I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years. I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself. Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship. I had experiences in my past that I had not truly forgiven. I had learned to live clean, but I had no idea and did not understand the way those experiences shaped my personality and how I still operated from feelings of unworthiness and not being lovable. It required professional help to resolve my feelings around these issues. The program isn't designed to heal this type of injury, so please, if you can relate so far and haven't, get the help you need. Our addictions are bigger than us and so are some of these other issues. Three, I didn't know what I wanted. How could I? I didn't know who I was or what I was capable of, so I operated as if I knew based on what I thought others would think was the way to be. I continually looked outside myself for cues on how to feel and act. The more I focused on others, outside myself, the crazier I felt. What changed? I reached another bottom, one that allowed me to leave that relationship and start again. One where I was able to set aside that deep guilt and fear I experienced whenever I took care of me over what someone else wanted. One where I was able to deepen my understanding of myself and focus on what was important to me, my recovery, my family, and building a life that was independent and fulfilling, a life that would be better for my kids. I so wanted a life that would be better for my kids. Did I succeed? Well, the jury is still out, but I know I've made progress, and it took a long time. I've made lots of mistakes, and it's a journey. The promises do come true - sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly - and in my case - slowly. My favorite saying, I've said before is: Before it's time, you can't force it; when it's time, you can't stop it. No matter how much I wished it different, my progress was slow. I had many periods where I felt like I was in the hallway waiting for a door to open and now I can see that those periods of time were preparation, learning, time for reflection, for deepening that understanding of my spiritual life and myself and how the two relate. So what changed? The biggest barrier to my growth was that I knew it all. Just like before I surrendered and got clean - when I knew it all. That story I just told you was based all on hindsight. At that time, I knew it all. I wasn't teachable, and I was not responsible. All the misery in my life was someone else's fault, and I could pretend to be okay. I was a victim after all, "If he would just change, if he would just get better, if they would just give me these opportunities." Sound familiar? True powerlessness over myself. Socrates said, "You don't know what you don't know." I've learned that to grow and have different experiences, I have to be open, open to what I don't know I don't know. Sound confusing? There is knowledge that I know I know. For example, I know how to reconcile a checkbook. Then there is knowledge I know I don't know. For example, I don't know how to build an airplane. As a human being, I look for answers in those two places, what I know and what I know I don't know - but could learn. My true growth comes from another place, what Socrates referenced, "I don't know what I don't know." This is where when I learn it, it feels like I already knew it and forgot. It makes perfect sense when I see it. It is mystery and is often what I call divine intelligence as grace. My perception is altered, something is lost - a belief that wasn't true or based on part truth, but I gain clarity and I feel enriched. It's where I want to play now. You may be thinking that's a great philosophy, Vicki. How do I apply it? One, develop that very clear sense of self. When you're confused, start with what you know you don't want, because we can sure identify, I always could, what I don't want. The opposite of that is a good place to look for what I do want. Get to know yourself at your core. Practice self-love, you are lovable, you are worthy, you are wise and generous. If you don't believe it, practice it. Look in the mirror, practice it, practice it till you believe it. Trust yourself to be on your own side and prove it by taking action. If you can't be there for you, you can't expect anybody else to be there for you. Ask for help and become teachable. Find your tribe, people who want what you do and will hold you accountable to what you say you want. Then claim it, let it happen the way it is going to happen, not necessarily the way you would have it happen. There's a difference. I've learned skills along the way - to be assertive, to be kind, to be curious, and ask questions rather than jump to conclusions. To realize I don't know. A lot of times, I don't even know what I don't know, to quote Socrates once again. I think I know how someone feels, and I think I know someone else's motives, and I just don't, so now I ask. But most important, it's to take ownership, "My life is a result of my decisions and actions, not anybody else's." I have a newsletter I would love for you to have access to, find it at https;//linktr.ee/vickidawn. What can you take away from today's discussion that you can implement for yourself? What is one small step that you can take to be sure that you have healthy boundaries? Not walls erected to keep everyone out, but more like fences you can see over, others can see you, and there are gates where you can let othe...
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episode 26 - Women in Recovery - This One's For You!
Dec 30, 202100:12:36Tap to summarizeSummary: As a woman in recovery from addiction for 45 years I know about self-doubt, fear and hesitation. This session explores common feelings and struggles in long term sobriety that women can feel embarrassed to admit, but once they do and shift their perceptions – the results are amazing. They experience happiness, joy, independence and confidence, and renewed interest in their relationships. Hi, everyone. Self-doubt, fear, and hesitation versus confidence, trust, and taking bold action. Do you find yourself almost crippled by self-doubt sometimes? I know I have. How does it show up for you? Do you have conversations with your partner, and you know they're lying, but you doubt yourself? Do you notice that your boss said they support you? Of course, they do - but didn't take action to protect you from that office bully you talk to them about - and then you doubt yourself. Do you promise yourself you will exercise and diet and hesitate at that moment of implementation telling yourself, I don't know how - it's too hard? Do you often listen to the words you and others speak and when the actions don't match - you doubt yourself and stop short of acknowledging that what they are doing is the real story? Action does speak louder than words, but not to us. Our words of doubt are so loud. We can't hear the action. Today's show is how women in recovery from alcoholism or drugs show up in relationships with others and themselves that stops their spiritual growth, so get your coffee, sit back and let's get started. I'm talking to you if you've been in recovery for a number of years, you've worked the steps, you go to meetings, you do all the other things that maintains your sobriety. You've cleared that wreckage from your past, and you had that spiritual experience, knowing that you are free from the debilitating compulsion to use. You've rebuilt your life, repaired relationships, you have a stable job or a lifestyle of choice that allows you to remain clean. And you know there's more. You don't know what. You feel restless sometimes, or you've had a setback in relationships or with your finances. You go through the steps again, you talk about it with your sponsor, again. You pray about it. You turn it over; you keep doing the things that you do. You've fallen into overthinking, tolerating, and adjusting, but you don't have words to describe it till now. I've been there. I've been in recovery for 45 years and I love what the program has done for me. I'm grateful for my growth. I've been in Al-Anon for just about as long, so I'm a double winner, and I believe that's true. I'd often be trying so hard and come to this empty place inside where I didn't know what to do. I kept doing what I was doing. It wasn't giving me the happiness and freedom I wanted, but it was better than going back to using. Can you relate? If so, you suffer from what I now know is a powerful judge, a judge that interprets all your experiences through a faulty lens. I've learned that I don't know what I don't know. I don't know the questions to ask. I don't know how to achieve the happiness I see in others I compare myself to, and that really showed up in relationships for me. I was married once while using and divorced right before I got clean, actually. The second time I was clean just over a year. Then again, I married for the third time when I was clean 21 years. We're still together, 24 years later while it's been a bumpy ride sometimes and not perfect, I wouldn't trade a day of it. In between that second and third marriage, I was a single parent with five kids for 11 years. During that time, I went through several cycles of meeting someone, starting a relationship, and having it all fall apart. The longest, I think was 3 years. I would go from hopeful to crushed, full of despair, beating myself up, hating myself, wondering what I did wrong, what was wrong with me? This pain-filled cycle felt punishing and further fueled my self-doubt. Two things were in play for me, although I didn't know it at the time. Hindsight is 2020, especially when you clean up that lens and you're looking at things with a new perspective. One, while in a relationship, I didn't know how to connect, ask for what I needed, or believe that someone wanted to love and support me. I didn't trust myself to act if this relationship wasn't for me. I didn't trust myself to take care of me because what I did, what we already talked about was - I accommodated, I adjusted, I questioned my judgment instead of trusting my gut. I watched for signs the relationship was ending. I was insecure and worried; my focus was outside myself - on them. What were they doing? What did they want? How could I adjust so that they would be happy? Co-dependent? For sure. Number two, I didn't know how to discover what was inside me that was causing this cycle to repeat over and over. I didn't have self-awareness. That's the real solution, finding what's inside that generates that experience that kept repeating and repeating and repeating, deepening my despair and deepening my self-doubt. Albert Einstein said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." We know that in the program. We know that. We've learned that when we got cleaned up, we thought we knew everything, and we found out we didn't have a clue. Those steps that didn't apply to me, they sure applied to me. Those steps that wouldn't change my life, changed my life. As much as my sponsors and friends in the program supported me during these years, they didn't know the questions either. They often got caught up in the story with me and did not ground me in the truth. I'm not saying they didn't try. I also probably couldn't hear it. What to do? What do you want in your relationships - start there. It sounds simplistic and it's true. Most answers are simple. It's our complicated overthinking mind that wants to make it a bigger deal than it really is. Start there. You may have been given advice in the past about writing out the qualities you want in a partner. I'm suggesting you write the qualities you want to experience in your life first, who do you want to be and work on that. It's called your vision for your life. Do you want to feel loved, be autonomous and independent, supported, nurtured, cherished, confident, trust your partner, be on a journey together, and have that sense of partnership? Do you want to experience mutual respect and support each other's goals? Do you want to be courageous and take bold action in your life? I thought I was capable of that kind of relationship, but how I was showing up was looking to protect myself from hurt, dependent on outside validation, clingy, fearful, and insecure. In other words, self-centered. Ouch! That's so hard to admit, but it was the first step. Being honest with what I was bringing to the party. Learn to meditate. I did a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer. I didn't ever get real quiet and still and meditate even though the 11th step is quite clear, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with a power greater than myself." A power that may have the answers that are lacking, a source that may have some insight into who I am and how I'm showing up, and what I could do to shift that. Take the time to go deeper into your motives, gain clarity on who you are because you can't shift from that space until you've defined it. Until you have the words to define your experience. You notice I didn't use the word change. to me change means I'm not enough, something I'm doing or experiencing isn't right. It's not enough. It's wrong. That's coming from a place of lack. If I start from that place that I am enough already, just as I am, it gives me space to become aware through meditation. Remember. Become aware, see a new possibility, and take an action that aligns with what I want to experience, back to that life vision. Do I want to experience love, joy, and happiness? Get support, seek women who have asked the questions and found the answers, women who have what you want. We said that in the beginning about our recovery. Stick with people that have what you want. That's still true. Find fellow seekers who are on that deeper journey. They'll lift you up and in turn, you'll lift up others. Let me check in with you. What do you think is possible in your life? Pause, ask yourself, what is possible if I truly felt confident trusting and took that bold action? Would you experience joy? Would you start that new business, get that degree, change that job? Would you connect with your family and not talk at them but have a connection and really hear what they're trying to say and be able to express back your deepest vulnerabilities to those you love. Really have a bridge and not just talking heads, talking at each other, and not getting anywhere. That's at stake and that's what's available to you. What can you take away from today's show? Can you do one small shift, open your mind to the idea that you may have it wrong, that there may be answers you need in places that you've rejected them? How about starting with listing what you want in life and be with that? Just be with that and let it breathe. If you like this show, sign up for my newsletter at <a href= "https://netorgft5424536-my....
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episode 25 - Empowerment
Dec 16, 202100:10:41Tap to summarizeSummary: Empowerment is made up of acceptance, trust, courage, humility and being open. These ways of being bring clarity and allow me to feel confident and take bold action. Empowerment is not control, it is letting control go and seeking for the outcome that will happen if I try to control or not. If you feel powerless check if you are over identifying with a personality trait. Stop saying I am and say I'm experiencing instead. Hello and welcome to Episode 25, Empowerment. This is a fascinating topic. I'm excited you're here, and thank you so much for listening. What is empowerment? What's the goal? Why do we want to feel empowered? Anyway, for me, the goal of empowerment is to feel strong and secure enough and safe so that I know that whatever is going on in my life I can handle it. I can feel confident, and I can cope. I want to be stable, resilient, and when life's challenges come, which they do, I want to be able to face them with some equanimity. Is empowerment the same as control? No. I assert control when I feel the most powerless. The more powerless I feel, the more I try to control that person, place, or thing, that something in my life that I find unacceptable. This can lead me to manipulation, trying to control that person, place, or thing, trying to stop something from happening. It's an effort to protect myself from failure, disappointment, getting hurt, and it's natural. I want to stress that I think this is very natural, and it's our first fallback position. It may even work in the short term, but it's never the way to build the connections that I really want, and it's not the best place to make decisions from. For example, I recently wanted to control the outcome of a decision in a committee that I belong to, and it was about control. I wanted to be right that the company I wanted to hire was the best company and the other committee members wanted to hire somebody else. When I felt that impulse to control, I paused and checked inside and said, "How important is it?" In this case, it wasn't that important. I want to say sometimes it is, but in this case, it wasn't. That outcome of that decision didn't reflect on me as a person at all because in that case, I didn't need to be the smartest or know the best choice, I can let the group decide. What stops empowerment? When I come from my ego or when I believe my identity in my changing emotions or circumstances is who I am, over-identifying with a personality trait or belief. For example, if I say, and I've done this a lot in my life, if I say I'm an anxious person when it comes to money, I get anxious when my finances are low, I can't help it. It's just who I am. If you listen carefully, what I'm saying is a lot of negatives. I'm telling myself I can't help it. I'm telling myself that being anxious is me. It's who I am. It's an excuse to become anxious when my finances are low. These comments cause me to focus on my anxiety, then I feel like I'm in crisis. The finance problem is too big to handle, and my thinking and feelings continue to spiral out to control. I pull away from my partner. I worry. I become convinced I can't be happy until this situation is over. What happens if I were to focus on the solution instead and tell myself I am experiencing anxiety about my finances. Words are important. Words put a distance between me, my identity, and my experience of anxiety. Experience is something that passes. Who I am is a part of me. If that's my position - I am an anxious person, then I argue to be right about it and no one can tell me any different. I can even say, "I don't want to be anxious about this," but I still will unconsciously argue to be right that I am an anxious person. It's part of our human condition to find meaning in events, so be careful what meaning you assign to who you are. Be careful of how you describe you. Try saying, "This is an experience." I can do the same with anger, depression, fear. The more I over-identify with a specific feeling or a problem, the harder it gets to detach and take an objective view of myself as a healthy, capable, and competent human being. When I judge a situation or a person as wrong, I lose my power. My power comes from letting life unfold, letting the divine intelligence map out my life, and trusting that no matter the appearances, I'm capable of walking through whatever is in my life in the moment. We talk about "being in today" a lot in our program. Not being in the past, not being in the future. I had a podcast not too long ago about "review the past, plan the future", don't live in the past or the future. I have a favorite saying in my life, "Before it's time, you can't force it. When it's time, you can't stop it." I'd save myself lots of effort trying harder, trying from another angle, trying to convince, cajole, maneuver, or explain if I just remembered that. Before we continue, I want to take a brief break. I have a biweekly blog and email I would love you to have access to. You can find it at my Linktree, https;//linktr.ee/vickidawn. Sign up today, I'd love you to get access. Back to our show on empowerment. What gives you empowerment? For me, feeling empowered is a choice, and it begins with clarity, cultivating awareness of my direction, what I want in life, and what I truly value. I can be honest about the deeper needs that I have, that I want to feel safe, secure, to be understood, and I want to belong to something greater than myself. Intuitively I know that focusing on material goods is about me and focusing on how I show up in life is where happiness comes from, but it's easy to lose sight of that when times are tough or setbacks happen. Then we just want it to be over and experience the good things in life, and that goes back to the expectation that I shouldn't have problems and comparing myself to others who I think don't have problems. Because I'm looking at their outsides and comparing my insides, doesn't help. For me, it's about five things. Number one, being willing to walk through the tough times with as much grace as I do the good times, so acceptance. Number two, using my support system, letting others be there, so knowing what I need, and trusting. Number three, taking action, not based on making something go away but that I'm bringing into my life what is good for everyone involved, so courage. Number four, recognizing I could be wrong, so being humble. Number five, being open, knowing that my knowledge is limited, and I see only my own perceptions and pain. There's a bigger story being written, and clarity will come. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? What is one small step you can take to empower yourself? Will it be willingness, acceptance, trusting, courage, or humility, or a combination? Remember, it's the small steps added together that create a big shift. Thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience, so keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. Goodbye, and until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.
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episode 24-Digging Deeper Into Stress and Daily Practices
Dec 2, 202100:11:13Tap to summarizeSummary: I explore how resistance to what is and other attitudes creates stress and how various daily practices can alleviate it. I've found that I often just adjust and tolerate stress rather than actually deal with it effectively. It seems to be socially acceptable, and even a badge of honor to be stressed out because we work so hard or have such a demanding schedule. Here are simple ways to do small things that can make a big difference! Sign up for my email list to receive access to my bi-weekly blog here: https://linktr.ee/vickidawn Welcome to episode 24, Digging Deeper Into Stress and Daily Practices. I'm your host, Vickidawn, and welcome. I've done several podcasts with guests, and I plan to return to that next year. I'm updating my topic schedule and looking for guests that will inspire you. Today's topic, digging deeper into stress and daily practices is a result of our last podcast discussion - Review the Past and Plan the Future and What About Stress. We talked about how living in the past or future and how our thoughts trigger stress and the effects of that on our body mind and our brains. We identified how living in the past or future is a coping mechanism when we want to escape our present moment. First - stress management strategy - don't try to think your way out of stress. You can't always control circumstances or people, but you can control your response to them. Let me ask you, how do you handle yourself? What do you do in the moment when your child is having a tantrum or you have a job interview that's scaring you, it's something you really want, or you look at the finances and there's more going out than coming in? If you're like most of us - like me, you simply carry on, you do what's in front of you in the moment, and stuff your feelings of fear, frustration, sadness, or anger down. Stuffing our feelings is a form of resistance, resisting the present moment what is. We do the best we can, but there are experiences we would really rather not experience. A toothache, a flare-up of your diabetes, a child in trouble at school again. Living in the moment isn't always pleasant, is it? What can we do? Consciously, let go of resistance. This doesn't mean you have to like what is happening, but you remove the resistance that comes from telling yourself that it shouldn't be happening, whether it should or shouldn't happen is irrelevant because it is happening. We let go of the expectation that we shouldn't experience problems. After all, what is a problem? In his book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman defines a problem as simply something that demands that you address yourself to it. It isn't a personal attack or a plot to ruin you. It's just something in your life to address. Sometimes you do need to change the environment and use problem-focused coping. This involves taking the steps to remove the stressor from your life as opposed to changing how you feel about the stressor. We focus a lot on time management in our culture and I've done it in my past, in my career, and in my life in general daily thinking I should get more done, I should be more productive, more effective, whatever the comment is to myself. I'd like to talk today about agreement management instead. Every action you take during your day is an agreement either with someone else or with yourself. Instead of agreeing to everything, start saying, "Thank you for thinking of me. Let me think about it and then do." Think about it. Define for yourself what is pushing yourself 10% outside your comfort zone. What does that look like? If the request is pushing you 30%, consider saying no. There may be times that you do in the short term want to push yourself further outside your comfort zone than 10%, but I'm talking about if this is a chronic problem for you - stop. We do want to grow and contribute and we get to manage our agreements in a way that we aren't creating - stressed out. This can be especially difficult for people-pleasers or those that feel they have to earn love and acceptance because they will agree to so much more than what they can do. Another problem-focused coping skill is to have support. Ask for it. Accept it. Don't try to do everything on your own. Controllers may feel especially challenged by this because they tell themselves if they don't do it, it won't get done right or it won't get done at all. Practice letting others do it. To let someone else do something their way is to allow them dignity and respect. As the proverb goes, if you want to go fast go alone, but if you want to go far go together. Stress relievers can also focus on changing your emotions. That's probably the ones that we think of most often. Some simple stress relievers that you can do anywhere, and they take very little practice to master include hugs. Yes, hugs. They release oxytocin which reduces blood pressure and can produce a sense of relaxation. Aromatherapy has the benefit of making you feel energized or relaxed or present. Research is suggesting that certain scents can actually alter your brainwave activity and decrease stress hormones. You could do a creative activity, drawing, painting, or coloring. Adult color books with complex geometric patterns can be especially relaxing, I have several. Or try crocheting or knitting. These creative outlets are meditative in nature. Journaling is a practice that brings out the emotions we may stuff. It allows us to examine our thinking and become present to our inner dialogue. From here, you can recognize how that inner dialogue is either supporting you or dragging you down. Long-term stress relief strategies can include exercise and eating a well-balanced diet, hiking, swimming, or biking may fit your lifestyle. Try meditation using some apps if you aren't comfortable doing it on your own. Make time for leisure. Hobbies like gardening, camping, or quilting are calming. We can all create a list because we know that these are good for us. Let's dig deeper into why we don't do them. We form habits based on how we learn to survive as kids and as we grew and experience things that either we found pleasant or not pleasant. This results in coping mechanisms, the one that underlies all our habits is our beliefs. What we tell ourselves is true about our world and the people in it. Learning to challenge your beliefs is central to reducing stress because it allows you to develop a positive self-talk habit. You form a kinder inner dialogue about yourself and others. Perhaps this sounds like way too much to do, but as you know, I focus on small steps you can take. Here are three. When you catch yourself judging someone, your partner didn't take out the trash again, for example, you say to yourself something like this, "He never does what I ask, he doesn't care about me. He doesn't listen." Stop. Ask yourself, is that true? How do you know? Where is it not true? Start to be willing to be wrong about your judgments. And I promise you have judgments, and I promise that if you start to examine them, ask and challenge them, you can change your life. Number two, when you tell yourself you can't do something because you don't know how or that it's too hard, ask yourself, is that true? Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not. When it is, ask yourself, "Okay, so who can support me?" Number three, when you make a mistake and call yourself stupid, dumb a loser, or worthless, stop and mentally give yourself a hug and say, "It's all right, I unconditionally love you and we will get through this." There is no way to be perfect. Clean up your mistake and move on. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? What is one small step that you can take to consciously cope with your stress in a new way? Will it be a problem-focused coping skill or will you find ways to change how you feel about your stressors or maybe both? Again, I want to thank you so much for being here and listening today. If you've enjoyed this show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience so send them to info@vickydawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. You can find links to my social media on my website, vickidawn.com. And goodbye until next time. Remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.
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episode 23 Review the Past - Plan the Future - What About Stress?
Nov 18, 202100:11:47Tap to summarizeSummary: I discuss causes of stress and its impact on our lives, mental health, and even our brains. Living in the past or future is a coping mechanism to avoid the uncomfortable elements of the present, but it has a high cost. We know about fight or flight and the physical consequences yet many of us still just cope with it rather than implement changes that can be effective. It starts with our thinking. Listen to hear more. Hello. Welcome to episode 23, review the past, plan the future, and what about stress? I'm your host vickidawn. Today, I'd like to invite each of you to sign up for my newsletter. https://vickidawn.aweb.page/vickidawn-Newsletter21 I have discussions on my podcast topics from different perspectives and different angles, both in the blog and in the newsletter. I send them biweekly, alternating weeks with my podcast. Today's topic, review the past and plan the future, and what about stress, is a good tool nearing year-end, but it's most useful every day and let me explain. Have you ever been so preoccupied with yesterday's fight with your partner or boss that you aren't doing what needs to be done today? How about so excited for an upcoming vacation that you aren't present to your family today? That's called living in the past or future. It is distinct from review and plan. When we're reviewing and planning, that's intentional and deliberate. When we're living in the past or future, we can feel so immersed, it's almost as if we're still there, or, we're projecting ourselves to a future place that we think we want to get to. We may ruminate and replay the fight over and over in our mind or daydream and picture laying on that perfect beach. Living in the past or future is a coping mechanism. When we want to escape the present. We feel stressed or we might feel bored, or we might feel uncomfortable. We all juggle, family, home, and our commitments and we have issues or setbacks in life, in our relationships, maybe in our finances or our health. We experience these as stressful. We all know there's good stress, but I'm focusing on the stress that comes from perceiving a threat. We want to resist a perceived threat. We want to be safe of course. That resistance is what causes the stress. It is triggered, and parts of our brain where stress lives are activated. The survivor brain is made up of the brain stem, the limbic system, and parts of the left brain. Stress is only experienced when this region of the brain is activated. According to Kendra Cherry, (article "5 Surprising Ways that Stress Affects Your Brain", https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040) experiencing chronic stress goes beyond damage to our mind and body that is generated in the fight or flight response. We've all heard a lot about that. Stress can also have a serious impact on the brain itself. Chronic stress increases mental illness like depression and anxiety because chronic stress results in long-term changes to our brains. Other negative effects include shrinking the brain size, changing its structure, killing brain cells, and hurting your memory. It would seem that with the understanding we have today on the negative effects of stress, that we would know how to - and want to - trigger the relaxation response and would use practices like meditation, breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or yoga but do we? That's the question. I'd suggest that there is another layer. What triggers stress? We already talked about the brain activation of stress and how stress is triggered at the focus level, not being present by living in the past or the future or by our physical response in fight or flight. Stress is also triggered at the thought level. This is important because every day we have millions of, I think I say something like 90,000 thoughts a day but I could be wrong. (update: studies have previously cited around 70,000, a more recent study in 2020 cited 6,000) But it is our thought level that triggers most of our common everyday stress. The way we talk to ourselves, our judgments about ourselves, about people, places, and things that goes on under our conscious awareness - only all the time. You may think you're different but let your thinking surface and you may be surprised at what you hear. I was. Stress, fear, and anxiety are generated by the resistance that we experience to people, places, and things that our judge has an opinion on. We ramp up our reaction based on what level of drama we enjoy. Some of us - admit it - love big drama, and some of us are self-satisfied because we think our reactions are small compared to those drama Queens and that somehow, we're exempt from those consequences. That's not true. Our bodies react with the same hormones and physiological responses, increased blood pressure, heart rate and changes to digestive functioning, and potential damage to the brain itself. Whether our reaction is the drama queen size or the more quiet, all up in my head type. One of the biggest stressors is when we tell ourselves, I need X to be happy and if Y happens, I will be miserable. Because you can't guarantee success and that you'll get X, you tense up and start all sorts of maneuvers. Manipulating people, depending on how important it is to you, you may obsess over X, you plan, you strive, you devote energy and time to making sure that you get X. You may start "thinking hard." This isn't to say it's wrong to on certain outcomes, do your best to get X. The caveat is you don't need it to be happy. Therefore, you can let the stress go about needing that outcome in order to be happy. We don't think our way into happiness. If we want to be happy, we should hold both X and Y, as acceptable. That would reduce stress. If Y is a consequence we don't want to experience say, losing a job or an important relationship, then you can still find it acceptable because it may lead to a better job. You may get a well-deserved pay increase at the next job, et cetera. All of our futures are uncertain. We often aren't in touch with just how uncertain our futures are, but - even the next 10 minutes - we can't really predict what the next 10 minutes will bring. We've all had those sudden (experiences) we're driving down the road and a car hits us from the side. We're feeling fine in the morning and by evening we have the flu. Our future is uncertain. And because of that, it has as much opportunity to turn out better as it does worse. If you were able to access another part of your brain, let's label it, the Sage. T hat area your brain is located in the middle prefrontal cortex, the empathy circuitry, and parts of your right brain. When you can access that, you're better able to let stress go. This area of the brain provides clearheaded focus, intense, fierce, rigor. It's not lazy to say that it's relaxed and clearheaded, but it's also calm. Your attention is 100% in the present instead of striving and thinking hard and making it happen, you use gentle contemplation, openness, and you trust yourself to deal with whatever situations that come up. You know you have your best interest and those that you love and care about at heart, and that you will act in your and their best interest. For stress management strategy, don't try to think your way out of stress. How often do we do that on? Especially if you have a mental personality type that tends to analyze. We really like to think about it. Let me think about that. That's not the best solution. Your sage brain will have you in the present moment. To access it, try breathing exercises, meditation, massage Tai chi, or other techniques. It's common. I hear it, and I've done it - to dismiss these techniques as being over simplistic. That couldn't be further from the truth. The lie that you and I tell ourselves there is that it takes some big cure to deal with my brand of stress because it's so much bigger and difficult to control than someone else's. The truth is that the parasympathetic nervous system predominates in quiet rest and digest conditions. It affects multiple organs including the heart and lungs. It is in your best interest to access it often and especially when experiencing stress. So back to review the past and plan the future. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? We know my show is based on small steps that you can take - small changes that can lead to a big impact in your life. This I promise you creates a huge impact. It's so worth it to spend time learning to meditate. But what is one small step you can take to consciously address your stress in a new way? Will it be meditation or breathing or one of the other techniques? Take a moment to pick one and be open to trying it out. Thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed the show please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. You can find my links to social media at my website vickidawn.com. Goodbye. Until next time. Remember - you create your beautiful life one moment and one step at a time. Bye now.
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episode 22 Maintaining Self-Worth in Your Relationship
Nov 4, 202100:09:56Tap to summarizeSummary: This show provides tips to keep your self-worth in your relationship. It is about focusing and celebrating what works, and finding ways to work through those times that are difficult. Our own Self-worth determines so much, so continually taking time for self-care and loving ourselves is the foundation for the rest to follow. Hello, and welcome to Tiny Changes Big Shifts Episode 22. Maintaining Self-Worth in your Relationships. The first question that comes to mind is why do I lose confidence in my relationships in the first place? Every relationship is different, of course, but our own level of self-esteem provides the base for us to operate in relationships from. If I have low self-esteem, I may seek my partner's approval too often and become overly dependent on them. I may neglect my social life and lose sight of who I am. Low self-esteem gives rise to jealousy and insecurity. When our partners have low self-esteem too, then the issue is doubled. To determine if you are losing yourself in your relationship, ask yourself some of these questions: Do you feel guilty when you do the things that you love? Are you giving those things up because it makes your partner uncomfortable or vice versa? Do you expect your partner to give up something because you are uncomfortable? Do you seek your partner's approval before making simple decisions that you could and should make autonomously? Do you give up social friends and family time? This can lead to further isolation and feeling dependent. Do you secretly miss the freedom of a single life, and have you given up your own goals and dreams? What is healthy self-worth? That's feeling good about yourself. You see yourself as deserving, respect from others. You are on your own team and give yourself dignity and understanding. Healthy self-esteem is learning to like and respect yourself, faults and all. Alternatively, with low self-esteem, you place little value on your opinions and ideas. You may often say, "Well, I don't care". If somebody says, "Where do you want to go eat?" "I don't care. You decide." "Where do you want to go on vacation?" "I don't care." If you say I don't care a lot, check in with yourself, learn to identify what you do want, and express it now and then even if it doesn't matter in the moment so much, don't give yourself away all the time. You may worry that you're not good enough. With healthy self-esteem, you're assertive and you express your needs. You're confident in your abilities, you form secure and honest relationships, you're realistic in your expectations, you're resilient and you're better able to cope with stress. Without it, you can experience depression, risky behavior, tolerate abusive treatment, and have a nagging sense of failure. What factors do shape our self-esteem? As we grow our beliefs about ourselves are formed from interactions with those close to us, parents, peers, teachers. While positive feedback contributes to healthier esteem, and criticism, teasing, or feeling devalued by others can lead to poor self-esteem. It's important to note that other factors contribute too. A large part is based on our own interpretations of those interactions, the stories we tell ourselves. Someone with a filter to perceive negativity over positivity will end up interpreting, it is because they aren't worthy. While someone with a filter to perceive positively will still be impacted, but won't doubt their worth as much. It's also important to note here that trauma that's not addressed or is left unhealed can lead to chronic failings of not good enough. So please get help for that. How critical is self-worth and what does it do for you? Low self-esteem is often the cause, not the effect, the cause of financial, relational, and physical hardships. Our self-esteem is our filter for all our interactions with others. It leads to decisions that impact our success, our relationships, our happiness. With it, you are open to learning and feedback and you feel secure. With it, we can feel confident, we are worth success and happiness. Without it, even when we experience success, we don't feel worthy and are afraid it will be taken away. That becomes a self-fulling prophecy, and it erodes our happiness. Here are tips to maintain your self-esteem while in your relationships. Express appreciation for big and more important, the small thing your partners does. Give compliments. Lots of them. Tell them how amazing, smart, sexy, funny, and talented they are. Be a little self-centered. Recognize that you are awesome and deserve the things your partner does for you. He's not doing you a favor. He's doing it because he loves you. Learn something together. You'll have a shared experience. Support each other, be your partner's cheerleader. Help each other conquer a fear. Be affectionate, express your feelings, and never miss an opportunity to have your partner feel loved and supported. And call each other out. Tackle the negative thoughts your partner may experience from time to time, ask him to help you tackle yours. We all have times when we don't believe in ourselves, when our self-esteem is impacted, we've had a setback at work, we've failed at something, and those ugly thoughts surface. Put them on the table, talk them out, get support. Challenge your beliefs, pause, and reflect. Here are 3 of 10 thoughts and beliefs people with high self-esteem have, written by Michael Stanwyck. One, it's not about what happens. It's about how I respond to what happens. They remember that they are only responsible for their own feelings, thoughts, and actions. They don't stay stuck in victim or spend too much time on what's "wrong" - right now, they know that their judgments are not necessarily correct. Two, I do what love and I love what I do. They put their needs first. They know they can only love and help others to the extent that they love and help themselves. They look for win-win situations. Three, they know - I see myself in others. Self-worth requires a belief that the world is like a mirror. If someone is judging you, it's because you are reflecting a part of them that they have not yet accepted. Self-worthy people are thankful for the challenging people in their lives because they see them as opportunities to learn more about themselves. As we know, my show is based on small changes that lead to big shifts. To maintain your self-worth in your relationships, think worthy thoughts and take worthy actions. Here are a few. For those of us in recovery, a big one is to ask for help, be open, talk about it, let people in, be aware of, and cut back on how many times you say, I'm sorry. Save it for when you truly need to apologize. Learn healthier ways to communicate and use them when there's conflict. The biggest one, in my opinion - cultivate a sense of autonomy. Be okay with yourself and independent in your thinking, express yourself, but also let others fully express themselves. Listen, especially when there is conflict. Remember that you bring you in relationship, and they bring them. Don't wait and expect someone else to make you happy. You may think, "Yes, I know that" - but where does that knowledge go when your partner or kids track mud into the house, don't load the dishwasher when asked or say an unkind thing to you. Then you may believe your anger is justified even though it's based on an expectation that someone would behave in a way you want, and "that would make you happy". Check out my website vickidawn.com, for my programs and coaching packages. Thank you so much for listening in today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com, tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference to you. For now, goodbye and until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time.
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episode 21-Procrastination: A Problem or a Response?
Oct 21, 202100:21:57Tap to summarizeSummary: Mary has long term recovery and works as a LADC licensed addiction councilor for the center for drugs and alcohol and works as on-call chaplain. She leads spirituality groups with persons in recovery. Our discussion on procrastination is a response to stress because of a lack of clarity. It also is a response to anxiety and uncertainty, or not knowing the next steps to take. Whether it is a response to calling a bill collector, having a difficult conversation, or cleaning house, we all fall into procrastinating something. When it becomes chronic then we may need professional help, but when it is a poor habit, we can correct it by awareness and taking a small action to get motivated. Being willing to look at the deeper reason we procrastinate is key. [00:00:00] Vicky: Hello, Mary. Glad to have you here with me. [00:00:04] Mary Carlson: Hi, Vicky. [00:00:05] Vicky: Great to have you. Can you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about who you are? [00:00:12] Mary: My name is Mary Carlson. I am born and raised in Cloquet, Minnesota and really haven't lived anywhere outside of this area. Right now, I am employed as a casual LADC, licensed addiction counselor for the center for drugs and alcohol. Then also, I work as an on-call chaplain at Essentia Health in Duluth; stay pretty busy. I'm also a woman in recovery, so taking care of my recovery is important to me. I am married. We have a little dog here, her name is Bailey. I have four children; three biological children and one bonus child, I call him. He's our oldest child. We have nine grandchildren. Stay really busy just with life stuff. [00:01:05] Vicky: It sounds like it. Between counseling and your ministry, being a chaplain, that's interesting combination. [00:01:15] Mary: It is. I've actually never worked as a counselor in a field having to do all the work that counselors do because they do a lot of paperwork. When I went to school to become a chaplain, I learned early on that in order to do any kind of a group in a treatment center that I had to be a licensed counselor. That's mainly why I got my license for counseling is because I couldn't do a group without one. The groups that I've done with people for the last 20 years have been primarily spirituality groups, not religious groups; I like to make that clear. I even make that clear to my group because, unfortunately, it seems as if religion is brought up, there's usually an argument. The groups I do with people are more about finding what's in them, the worthiness in them, especially to remain-- like to find a place in sobriety, how to use that part as a strength to keep them going and recovery. [00:02:17] Vicky: Wonderful. Our topic today is procrastination, is it a problem or a response? [laughter] I think for me it can be both, right? First, it's a response and then it becomes the problem, I think. What triggers procrastination for you do you think? [00:02:38] Mary: Different things trigger procrastination for me and different times in life-- sometimes I'll procrastinate-- Well, I guess the biggest thing for me that causes me to procrastinate is not knowing what I'm doing, the fear of not knowing what I'm doing, not being really clear on it. For example, I knit and crochet. If I hit a part in the pattern that I'm not familiar with like I have to do this little mental gymnastics to get myself to pick it up and work through it. The funny thing is, once I get to it and work through it, it's fine. Just getting myself to that place to actually pick it up because I just-- I don't know, there's something about my brain that wants to shut off if I'm not real clear. I've noticed that throughout different situations in my life too. If I'm going to walk into a situation and I don't have a real clear understanding of what's going to happen in that situation, it causes me a little bit of angst. [00:03:38] Vicky: Yes, so connected to lack of clarity and maybe some anxiety around the uncertainty. [00:03:46] Mary: Definitely, yes. I think maybe even a little deeper is thinking that I should be able to just do it all. I should just be able to whip through this knitting, it shouldn't have to be a problem that I have to pay attention. [00:03:57] Vicky: That I think is an important point. We expect so much of ourselves. [00:04:02] Mary: Yes. [00:04:04] Vicky: What feelings cascade from procrastination? [00:04:08] Mary: Mostly, I think dread. I think I could link exhaustion to that because every time that thought comes into my mind that I should be doing it and then I shut it down, it just makes me tired. The funny thing is, I can remember having a lot of procrastinating maybe looking for a different job or talking to somebody that I don't feel like talking to, so finding every single reason I can to put that off. Then I finally come to the point where I have to do it and I do it and I'm like, "Why did I wait so long?" You know? [00:04:57] Vicky: Right. I love that dread feeling that we get, and it's an energy suck, isn't it? [00:04:54] Mary: Yes, huge energy, for sure. [00:04:59] Vicky: What do you observe about yourself and others when they're procrastinating? [00:05:04] Mary: When I procrastinate, I feel like I get into a place where I just sit and spin. I may have one particular issue that I'm procrastinating on but it starts this cascade effect. It's almost at times can be paralyzing depending on what the situation is and how hard I am working on procrastinating because I think that is a conscious effort. It comes to mind, "I don't want to do it, I'm going to put it off to the side," and it keeps bouncing back and you keep putting it off and it bounces back. [00:05:41] Vicky: That spinning, especially as it's something more important and it's looming larger and larger, then I start freezing up on everything. That physical response of fight or flight or freeze; for me, I'll start to be freeze. I think that's in response to, "I would flight if I could. Nowhere to run to, it's coming down the pipe and I see it coming. Oh my God, here we go." Do you find that you procrastinate less as years of your recovery have gone by, or is it still show up frequently? [00:06:18] Mary: I think procrastinate less just because I've learned. In anything that we do, we recognize a pattern. If you start to pay attention-- or I should say, if I start to pay attention, I can usually recognize those patterns. I always tell people, "We don't change anything until we really see it." Sometimes it takes a while to see it, even if it keeps bumping me in the head, you know what I mean? Now I can recognize that as, "Oh, I'm putting something off," you know what I mean? [00:06:52] Vicky: Label it correctly. [00:06:54] Mary: Yes, "I know what this feeling is." [00:06:57] Vicky: Yes, that goes along, I can so relate because it used to be just of a generalized feeling of, "Yuck," and knowing I was wanting to dodge something but not-- like you're saying no clarity of even what I was trying to avoid does like-- [00:07:14] Mary: Yes, or that you were avoiding something. [00:07:16] Vicky: Right, and now to be able to label that. [00:07:19] Mary: It makes me think of the fifth step because I've been talking a lot about the fifth step to people-- not the fifth step, six and seven. Step six and seven, you know the our character defects? So many times for me, my character defect is a reaction. It's like a survival skill to something that's going on deeper within me. The trick is to recognize that I-- "Oh, yes, anger, sloth," those are a couple of my procrastination character defects. Then going, "Okay, what's deeper? What's deeper than that?" and to start looking a little deeper into what's going on. [00:07:59] Vicky: The motivating factor to want to avoid in the first place. I am afraid of not being good enough? Am I afraid of rejection? Am I afraid of being punished because I made a mistake and that's my belief system, that mistakes get punished or? [00:08:20] Mary: Yes, that deeper intrinsic stuff that we carry that we're not even aware of, it shows up as character defects. [00:08:28] Vicky: Right, on the unconscious level. What tips do you have to deal with anxiety and fear before you're tempted to procrastinate? I'm sure like me you can start to sense it coming, like, "Oh, this is a pattern that I'd like you to talk about. I would normally procrastinate this," calling this bill collector or having this difficult conversation with my child or scrubbing the bathroom, which I hate, or whatever. [laughs] [00:08:56] Mary: Whatever, yes. I think it comes down to that same tool again of recognizing that I'm doing it again. Then I guess the other part is being more gentle to myself because I have a tendency to be really cruel to myself because if I'm not doing it right, I'm usually some kind of an idiot, and I have a whole gamut of names I call myself; even becoming aware of that and paying attention to that. [00:09:22] Vicky: You and I have been in recovery for a long time now. I was amazed in the last year in particular how much that judge still operates. [00:09:32] Mary: Oh, huge. [00:09:34] Vicky: Yes. The value of being able to identify it and talk it out with somebody e...
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