Can Someone Truly Change After Cheating?

Summary

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U Up? — "Can Someone Truly Change After Cheating?"

Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Date: May 27, 2026

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Main Theme

The episode delves into one of the most fraught questions in modern relationships: Can someone truly change after having cheated? Through listener emails, candid personal stories, and a characteristically witty tone, hosts Jordana and Jared break down the messy realities of trust, growth, dating app detective work, honesty in relationships, and, of course, sex and the complex etiquette of finger-in-the-butt requests.

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Episode Breakdown & Key Segments

Warm-Up: Parenting, Parties, and Self-Celebration

• (00:32-09:56)
  • Jordana shares updates on parenting twins and how strangers in NYC ignore the novelty of twins, unlike in Florida.
    • “In Manhattan… everyone's like, ‘look at these… Taking up the entire sidewalk with their two strollers. Move over. Get out of the way. Hey, mama. Move your ass.’” – Jordana (02:22)
  • Comedic tangent about kids’ first birthday parties, suggesting it should be the parents who get the party:
    • “It should be called a ‘We Did It’ party, not a First Birthday Party. We accomplished a year of being a parent party.” – Jared (04:42)
    • Both discuss the social pressure/shame of doing things differently than their parents did, like skipping the obligatory first birthday party.
      • “There’s an insecurity… We have to allow ourselves to get married in your 30s because when your parents got married in their 20s, it’s a different time.” – Jared (09:00)

Weekend and Stand-Up Recap: Crowd Work, Dating Commentary, and Florida Life

• (10:13-21:00)
  • Jared dives into the world of stand-up, crowd work, and posting material online, reflecting on Florida and comedian life.
    • “The reason comedians post crowd work is because it doesn’t burn their material... it’s a little bit brave to put out this stuff that could make me look bad.” – Jared (12:05)
  • Lighthearted rivalry about sunglasses and opinions – Jared asks Jordana’s approval of new sunglasses, revealing group dynamics in relationships and honesty between friends/partners.
    • “[Girlfriend] loved them.” – Jared
      “Let me ask the bitchiest person I know.” – Jared (17:11)

Relationships in Transition: From Single Life to Coupledom

• (17:46-25:39)
  • Jordana quizzes Jared on how his new relationship alters his lifestyle and how being “off the market” provides stability and relief.
    • “When you’re in a relationship, you know pretty much exactly where the night’s going to take you – and it’s nice.” – Jordana (20:50)
    • “Best thing about being in a relationship is not having to talk to anyone else.” – Jordana (21:28)
  • Discussion of singles who build close quasi-romantic, confiding friendships (especially male-female) that change or fade once someone couples up.
    • “Those relationships have to change as well… the minute you get in a relationship, goodbye.” – Jared (23:05)
    • Both note this dynamic is common to both men and women, “Friendships have a season sometimes.” – Jordana (24:40)

The Big Question: Can Someone Change After Cheating?

Listener Email Deep Dive

• (37:29–54:53)
  • Listener story: A woman discovers her boyfriend, whom she’s considering marrying, lied about never cheating after a stranger (possibly his ex) tried to warn her via DM and “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook group.
    • Important evidence: He lied about never cheating and being off dating apps, only confessed when confronted with undeniable proof.
    • “He has the ability to lie and only tells me something when there's like this black and white [proof]… If I’m going to marry someone, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing detective work.” – Jordana (48:28, 48:44)
    • Jared brings empathy for past mistakes, but agrees the continued lying is a problem: “It’s fair for her not to trust him… but the lying part makes me think he hasn’t changed.” (49:16, 51:21)
    • Strong advice: Before engagement, go to couples therapy about honesty.
    • On exes reaching out: “If someone had stolen money or physically abused me…maybe I’d warn the new girl. But this [just cheating] is a different email.” – Jordana (52:46)
    • Notable quote: “One horrible boyfriend is another person’s Instagram caption... The internet lets people enact vigilante justice when there’s no court for it.” – Jared (41:00)

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Listener Games and Lighter Q&A

Petty or Prudent? — Breakup Logistics

• (55:44–61:07)
  • Breakup timing forced a listener out of an apartment; ex offers to pay for movers.
    • Verdict: “Prudent is direct, petty is being vague and emotional about it. He’s giving you an actual offer.” – Jared (58:45)
    • “If he pays, you have to let go of the anger about the date of the breakup.” – Jordana (59:53)
    • “Get a quote. Charge him.” – Jordana (61:16)

Sex Q&A: Finger in the Butt Etiquette

• (62:07–69:45)
  • Listener is uncomfortable granting boyfriend’s request during oral sex, dreads potential grossness.
    • Jared: “Not a phase! Finger in the butt during a blowjob – still a fan.” (62:35)
    • “Trying it and not liking it, I’d still date that person. Not trying it at all, probably not a match for me.” – Jared (67:37)
    • Jordana: “If you try it and really, really don’t enjoy that, give some other things to try. Maybe less…anal.” (67:22)

Red Flag or Deal Breaker: Flirty Fiancés and Deodorant Dilemmas

• (73:27–87:50)
  • Fiancé tells another woman, “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, except for my fiancée.”
    • Jared: “It’s a move. He’s giving you all the information you need to try and make me cheat... He’s creating an opt-in.” (79:52, 80:46)
    • Both ultimately call it a deal breaker after discussion.
  • Boyfriend refuses deodorant in hot Singapore, citing “cancer/hormones.”
    • “You’re blocking it out by making it a morality play... You still smell.” – Jared (85:54)
    • Both agree: Deal breaker, primarily for the inability to compromise.

“Sight on Scene” Language Evolution

• (87:51–94:07)
  • Listener/linguist gently corrects Jared’s phrase “sight on scene” (instead of “sight unseen”).
    • “I like how they wrote it…brought me in and made me feel involved.” – Jared (91:10)
    • Both say: Correcting in this self-deprecating, warm way is a green flag.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “You don't think our parents would have done it differently if it was today?” – Jared (09:00)
• “One horrible boyfriend is another person's…Instagram caption where they're the best relationship I've ever had. And I'm so happy.” – Jared (41:00)
• “If I'm going to marry someone, I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing detective work.” – Jordana (48:44)
• “Prudent is direct; petty is being vague and emotional.” – Jared (58:45)
• “Trying it and not liking it, I would date that person. Not trying it at all, not for me.” – Jared (67:37)
• “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, except for my fiancée.” — Listener, paraphrased, (75:26)
• “It's a deal breaker... He’s giving you all the information you need to try and make me cheat.” – Jared (79:52)
• “You're blocking it out by making it a morality play… You still smell.” – Jared (85:54)

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Key Insights & Takeaways

• Change after Cheating: A person can change—but you need real honesty, not just apologizing after being cornered. Therapy and open discussion are key before a big commitment.
• Honesty Matters More Than Past Mistakes: Lying about your past, not just the past itself, is what erodes trust.
• Modern Dating = Detective Work: Technology enables "outside the relationship" information gathering, but comes with emotional baggage. Take info from exes with context.
• Dealbreakers Can Be Small or Smelly: The inability to compromise (on deodorant, for example) isn’t just about smell; it’s about values and flexibility.
• Sexual Requests & Communication: Trying something and disliking it is different from a blanket refusal. Mutual exploration and negotiation are signs of a good match.

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Important Timestamps

• Parenting & Birthday Party Rant – 00:32–09:56
• Standup/Personal Updates – 10:13–21:00
• Relationship Dynamics After Coupledom – 17:46–25:39
• Main Listener Email: “Can They Really Change After Cheating?” – 37:29–54:53
• Petty or Prudent: Breakup Logistics – 55:44–61:07
• Sex Q&A: Finger in the Butt – 62:07–69:45
• Red Flag or Deal Breaker: Flirty Fiancés – 73:27–83:07
• Red Flag or Deal Breaker: Stinky, No-Deodorant BF – 83:09–87:50
• Linguist Listener Q&A: “Sight on Scene” – 87:51–94:07

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Conclusion

This episode of U Up? is a quintessential deep dive on trust, what really changes in relationships, and how honesty—not perfection—creates security. Add plenty of irreverence, sex talk, and real-time advice, and the show continues its run as modern dating’s most unfiltered, honest podcast. If you’re wondering whether a cheater can change, or where to draw your own boundaries (from breakups to bodily hygiene), this episode is not one to miss.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hello and welcome back to the U UP Podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

[A]

And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordana. How are you? What's going on? We are virtual for people that are on YouTube land. What's going on? How are you?

[B]

What's going on? I'm good. General Long Island.

[A]

You're. How are the babies? How are you? How's Mike?

[B]

The babies are good. I, we, we brought them the twisters to the city for a birthday party on Saturday.

[A]

How did that go? That's like climbing the, the, you know, going to the Himalayas to climb a mountain. I feel like two babies. Or is it easier than I think? Or is it.

[B]

Well, it's not that bad cuz we're, you don't. You know, we're, we just take, we drive. So we just put them in the. And the car and then like now I'm releg. I've now been demoted from front seat. I now sit in between them in the back seat. So Mike's in the front? Yes. Mike drives the three of us around whenever we need to go somewhere. But just because like with the two of them, there's always like one who's like, need something or something. So I sit in the back, which is like a weird feeling. It's like, oh, now I'm just like a person who sits in the back of the.

[A]

Of the car driving chauffeur style.

[B]

Yes. And you know, it's funny, I told you all about how people love twins. I think the one exception to the rule is in New York City where no one gives a about anything went down by you in Florida. By you in Florida. Everyone has like something to say, wants to start a conversation, has like a discussion with you. And then I get to like, we. I was expecting the same thing in Manhattan. And like everyone's like, look at these. Taking up the entire sidewalk with their two strollers.

[A]

Move over. Get out of the way. Hey, mama. Move your ass.

[B]

Yes. That's the one place where I guess no One. No one gives a. And they want you to, you know, just move.

[A]

It's funny that. It's like leaving an area where you get recognized a lot and then going to an area that no one knows who you are. Like, yeah, it's.

[B]

Was that like Florida for you when you went.

[A]

It's the embarrassing part of my. You know, where I'm at and as far as who knows me and who doesn't know me, and that's. I get recognized from time to time, but it is not like a normal. It's not like I'm walking around like, oh, get these cameras out of my face. But you have to remember, you have to start at no one knows me, or else you could really embarrass yourself. Because if someone comes up to me and it's like, excuse me. And I'm like, another fan, another day, and they're like, don't move out of the way. I don't know who you are. You know, it's the same thing with you with the babies. You're like, oh, you want to see the twisters? And they're like, no, move your ass. You're moving too slow.

[B]

Literally, like, that was the exact vibe it was like. And I was. I went in kind of like. Because my only other experiences was with them was everyone being so obsessed with them. We're like, parking on the street and then there's a guy who, like, miraculously does this, like, amazing parallel park job. He gets in behind us. I was like, this guy's never getting in. He got in. And then I was like, he's like, oh, do you need something? I'm like, yeah, I'm just trying to get, like. I'm just trying to get the kids, like, out of the car. He's like, oh, bye.

[A]

Yeah, good luck with that lady move. Yeah. So you brought him to a birthday party where they. Is it another kids birthday party?

[B]

Yeah, one of Mike's friends. Kids had a first birthday party, which

[A]

is really just like an adult birthday party. Well, you have. I guess you got to have it. That's what I think.

[B]

I know the kids don't remember it.

[A]

Well, I saw someone. They were like, I don't know who this was, but I saw they were like, I'm not doing anything until they can remember it.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's more for you, I guess.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I feel like if it were more for the adults, it should be like more of a party.

[A]

It should be called a we did it party, not a. It's their first, you know, like Right. It's. We accomplished a year of being a parent party. That's the party.

[B]

Yeah. I think if I did one, I'd want no kids.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Don't I. Well, celebrating me, that's like one of those things that makes more sense. That would take a lot of balls to. To like, actually do. Like, it's like. It's like the first person to have a destination bachelorette party. Now we all do it, but that first person was a real piece of. Who believed in themselves a little too much, but they had to walk so that we could all run.

[B]

That's true. Yeah. That's a great point.

[A]

Do that.

[B]

Adults only first birthday party where the kids. The. The. The birthday people are not invited.

[A]

Yeah. Your birthday. It's your first birthday party.

[B]

Yes. The Twisters are not invited.

[A]

Twisters are at home. You have like a. Kind of like a party with like a dj, you and Mike, and you get to celebrate it together.

[B]

You know? I like that a lot more.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. And if you're forever and no gifts. But if you want to bring a gift, it's a gift for me, right?

[A]

It's for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One year in, someone brings you, like, a little tiny tin of caviar. Like, bring me adult. Bring me the. I've been missing out on in the last year. I've been sitting at home. I saw your post yesterday. You got indoor sweats and outdoor sweats. That's first year of being a mom.

[B]

Yeah, I've got that. I agree. I. I deserve this party. Forget it.

[A]

I'm saying this as a childless, you know, loser.

[B]

I think people would want to go to that party more than they would a first birthday.

[A]

First birthday. You're just watching these blobs lay around on the ground them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did you do with the first person? What?

[B]

They serve sandwiches and pizza.

[A]

G. It's awful. These people. That sounds like a miserable experience. You had to go into the city. You had to bring the babies you got. People don't even give a about you whether you live or die. And then you get up there and you got to sit in their hot apartment and have a sandwich and a pizza, and it's probably not even good. It's just a bunch. It's bulk orders.

[B]

Yeah. If you're listening, I had a lovely time.

[A]

I'm sure you had fun. I'm sure they're a part. I'm sure they're one bedroom that they're figuring out the space is just fine. You know, like, it wasn't.

[B]

It was at Like a place. There's, like, places in, like, where they do.

[A]

Oh, my God. So you're at like a Gymboree where they can't even use, you know, the, the. The trampolines.

[B]

You're at just like an open space plan where you have to take off your shoes if you want to get on the mat.

[A]

Oh, this is horrific. I. I'm gonna be a really. I'm gonna have no parent friends because I can't hold this in. I would.

[B]

I'm just imagining coming to every birth, every birthday party. This is horrific.

[A]

This is a rip. This is. Why would we do this to ourselves?

[B]

Where is the. I. Where is the ice luge?

[A]

Right? Where. Where's my tins of caviar? And. And the shots and the, and the DJ playing nostalgic music. I, I listen, remember, I think two years old or no one years old, you still gotta.

[B]

You.

[A]

You still got time. I think this is something you should do.

[B]

Yeah, I got a while. Okay. I mean, I'm actually gonna think about this, and I might. I might do it if I. If I can get over the hump.

[A]

Well, now that we brought it up and now it's a bit. Now I'm. I'm. You. You almost have leeway to do it because it's a bit now.

[B]

That's true. Yeah. Now it has, like, context.

[A]

Right. Not just, like, randomly, because we're talking about it at work.

[B]

Yes. And, like, now it'll seem less like I hate my kids if I don't invite them to their first birthday party.

[A]

Right. Happy, happy first birthday to the Twisters. And it's just you guys dressed up a great picture. You get a photographer.

[B]

I love it. They're not there.

[A]

Right?

[B]

That's great. I mean, they're not gonna have any idea. They could have cake, like, separately at home.

[A]

They're not even gonna eat cake. This is.

[B]

This is true.

[A]

There. What are you. What are you. Putting a little piece of cake up to their mouth and then they go, okay, give it the mashed peas. That's what they like better.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love this. I think you're an innovator.

[A]

Well, it's. It's more about allowing. You know, here's the thing. It's like, you know, since I've moved to Florida, it's allowing yourself to do it differently than your parents because there's an insecurity that. And, and this is what this podcast is all about. You know, the intersection of dating and technology is we have to allow ourselves to get married. In your 30s because you're. When your parents got married in their 20s, it's a different time. You don't think our parents would have done it differently if it was today? You know, like, and, and we hold ourselves to this, to this shame. We're. We shame ourselves. Like, you're like, if I don't do a first birthday party, what will my parents say? Well, my parents will go, what? You're doing a party for yourself on their first birthday? I would say, yeah. Give me the reasons not to. Give me, Give me your rebuttal. They would have nothing.

[B]

Yeah, I love that.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I'm stealing it.

[A]

No, I'm giving. I hope you. I'm. I'm the creative director for this party. I don't want to do anything.

[B]

I mean, your whole first. Yeah. Your first stand up special had a whole bit about a gender reveal, which was very innovative as well.

[A]

Thank you. I. It was. That was. That there was no gender. That there was no baby at all. We had aborted. That was the whole gender reveal party.

[B]

Genius.

[A]

Thank you. So I bought some sunglasses. I know you didn't ask, but I, I wanted to ask you how was

[B]

your, how was your weekend?

[A]

I'm doing my weekend. Don't put me on the tourism bureau for Jacksonville, Florida. Just don't. I. I enjoyed the people I met, the shows. Some shows are tougher than others. This Jacksonville weekend, there will be video on my YouTube. I put out stand up on my YouTube and it's. And my, my YouTube is like, I don't go on stage and like, Jordana, you know this. I'm not a bit. The crowd work thing has become a thing where. Because the reason comedians do post crowd work videos is because it doesn't burn their material. So you go to a show and you see their material. So I do an hour of material whenever I do standup. And if you're. And if you want to come to a show, I'll be in Austin this weekend. Cleveland, Hamptons, Miami, Red Bank, New Jersey, Foxwoods, Portland, Maine. But when people interrupt or something happens or I take a breath, they're in a comedy club. Especially a comedy club. I think crowd work in a theater is like stupid. I'm just not into that. But if it. Especially in a comic club where it's this like kind of conversational comedy where I'm trying to figure out my set. Like I have like a 45 minute set that I'm trying to turn into an hour that I'm trying to figure out. And some bits work better. Than others. And it's, it's a tight wire act for the hour of trying to figure out this set. And the goal is to take. Make it so that it could work everywhere, that I would then tape it and put it on a platform. Right?

[B]

Right. Yes.

[A]

So when people yell out or interrupt or I am talking about being on a GLP1 and I'm like, is anyone here on a GLP1? And no one says answers, And I'm like, well, that's statistically improbable. Like, that's a fun moment that I can have in the club. Or someone raises their hand, they're like, I'm on one. I shit my pants. Okay, There's a moment. We taped it, whatever. And then I put all those moments on YouTube. So it just, it's funny because my YouTube just looks like me just dealing with people. So which to me, if I'm to give myself a pat on the back, it's a little bit brave to like, put out this stuff that could make me look bad because it's like a little bit, you know, it's, it's a little bit of a moving conversation. But I, I like putting it out. It's fun for me. But I had I so many things this weekend in the shows that was like, I can't even believe the Jacksonville school system must not be very good, because it is. It was like, no one got it.

[B]

No one understood any of the jokes.

[A]

Underst. They understood. So they just, they didn't get how to sit in a room and watch a show.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Two women came with Stanley water bottles that were like the size of my head.

[B]

What time was the show?

[A]

9:30 show. They came with Stanley water bottles if it was a campground, like, because it

[B]

was a post workout. Right.

[A]

Like, I think they filled it with alcohol. They were, they were, they were animals.

[B]

Wow, you're really painting a picture of this town.

[A]

I know. And I did. The club is good for like working material out, but, you know, and then I posted a video from Jacksonville. Like, I went to this nice French bakery that was like off the highway because I knew I wasn't staying in the cute area. Like, you know, okay, if there's no free people, then you're not in the cute area. Like, it's just, that's the free people is the flag that tells you whether cuteness is, is nearby. And, and I, I said that in the video and all. I just think people in Jacksonville might be stupid. Like I, I, I or. No, they're insecure, obviously. I, and I'VE said this about Buffalo people, and it might be that you're a small town with a football team, so you have to, like, hear from people in a way that you don't. If you don't have a football team, maybe that's it. Because they have the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Buffalo Bills. And there was the same insecurity. Like, I. I was like, I. I don't think I'm in the cute section, but let me show you this cute place. People were like, you went to the wrong place. You got to go to here. You got to go to here. And I'm like, I said, I'm not. I don't know.

[B]

I don't want to go breakfast it with that. Yeah, right. This is the Buffalo of the South.

[A]

The Buffalo of the South. Is Jacksonville just as insecure, And I am insecure. That's how I can tell when people

[B]

takes one to no one.

[A]

Yeah, right. I got these glasses. What do you think of my new. Okay, give me an honest review. For those watching on YouTube. You can see my new. Am I being to Florida?

[B]

How much did you pay for this?

[A]

Oh, my God. That's a bad first question. That is.

[B]

I need to know before I give my. I try figure out how honest I can be.

[A]

Okay, let me tell you. I Plug City.

[B]

I always ask that before I plug my opinion.

[A]

Yeah, you're a great person to show fashion to. So Plug City. I get these glasses from a company called WMP that has, like, cheaper glass. They. They are priced to sell, in my opinion. Okay, so these are $60 glasses. 65.

[B]

Okay. I don't like them that much. They're $60. I can tell you.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

If you said, oh, I've been waiting.

[A]

It's.

[B]

They're. They're a thousand dollars. I've been. I've been waiting to buy these. I'm obsessed with them. I. I would maybe, you know, you would lie a little too far. Those are a little too Florida for me.

[A]

Wait a minute. If I said there were a thousand, you'd say they were good. You would hold back.

[B]

I'd. I'd say, you know, they're, you know, not necessarily my style, but I could

[A]

see, you know, allowed to be honest.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

See, that's why I get them. That's why I think that they're a good purchase.

[B]

I get this from. I get this from Mike all the time, especially when I show him a new thing and he goes, did someone send you that, like, for free?

[A]

So you guys bond on. On. On being too honest? With people you, you can't ask. Ah, man. Well, no, I like it.

[B]

I mean they're not. But here's. Listen, they're not for me, but they're a little bit. Well, here's the. You don't even, you don't even need me anymore to do this thing. You have a girlfriend now to tell you if. If something.

[A]

She said she loved him. I, I don't. You know.

[B]

Okay, well, there you go. That's all that matters then, right?

[A]

I guess I can truly give up now if, if you know is the, the reason relationship.

[B]

My question to you is like, has she ever said I don't like this to anything that you've asked?

[A]

She.

[B]

Can we trust her?

[A]

I, that, that's my, that's why I put it through you. That's why I was like, she loved them.

[B]

Let me ask the bitchiest person I know.

[A]

I need, I need. It's like the, the Libra scale. I need you on one end and her on the other.

[B]

Have you ever shown her anything? And she's like, yeah, absolutely.

[A]

I, you know, it wouldn't work if she was just loved everything, you know, Loved everything I did. I, I, it wouldn't be a relationship that would have any. Right. Well, you don't want to be with someone.

[B]

There would be.

[A]

Just agrees with everything. Like you're.

[B]

Yeah. You need a little friction.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, exactly, I agree. Well, I have another question about being in a like question about relationships.

[A]

How much love are we making? A lot.

[B]

Oh, no, that, that wasn't my first question. Maybe down the line you could answer that on a, on a Patreon. My question is, is like have your weekends changed? Like, how has your lifestyle changed now that you are in a relationship? Like, because you're, I know you're describing your weekend. It sounds like you weren't home. But like, I guess it's also, there's also the longer long distance factor in it, at least for now. Like, how is, how is. How has anything changed for you?

[A]

I think it's changed. Well, I, I think it's changed because there's a lot less stress. I guess there's a lot less like keeping up with, you know, I gotta, I don't have to keep up with like four different stories.

[B]

You mean for like people that you were speaking to?

[A]

Yeah, like I'm trying, you know, maybe I'm on a dating app and I'm talking to a few people or I've gone on a few dates with someone and I gotta make sure I review the story before I Get into the conversation. There's like, you know, do I need to end something with someone? Like all, all that stuff's like gone. But like, so I feel like I have like a little more free time. Weirdly like, I know I could say

[B]

dating takes up a lot of time. I mean you have to. You're like going out, picking the place. There's like, it's like a whole. Our first date is a whole thing. That's why I liked having one first date outfit because it's like a lot of mental energy to do that. And I think just you're kind of like putting you, you. I mean you put on shows for a living but dating is like also another form of putting on a show.

[A]

Absolutely. I don't know. I have a lot less like variability. You know, there's like a lot. There's less like things that could happen. And that takes some getting used to because my mind isn't like, like I keep getting these tik tok memories and it's like me and, and it's a little bit probably moving out of New York and. But it's like I am like man, I really had a lot to fudgeing say, you know, like it was like every. It's like I'm just like giving my opinion on dating and it just as things come up that I have an immediate opinion to that I don't have as much anymore with the relationship. Like I'm like enjoying it. So I'm not like dealing with you know, 30 variables a day. So there's a lot more calm. I would say being in a relationship, that's nice. Which is nice.

[B]

Right. In terms of like your actual day to day though, is it pretty similar?

[A]

Pretty similar, yes.

[B]

Besides, you're not going on, you're not going on dates. I guess so. Or you're. If you're going on dates with your girlfriend, you're not.

[A]

Right. I. Well when I go on dates, otherwise no, I. The no. Yeah, we go out but it's, it's

[B]

a little quieter, more like stable. Right.

[A]

More stable.

[B]

Would always say the best thing about s being single is that you never know like where the night could take you. And like the worst thing about being single is that you never know where the night could take you.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Like, and you know when you're in a relationship, you know where the night, you know pretty much exactly where the night's going to take you and it's like nice.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And but it's not like, it's not like it's not like that top of the roller coaster in the bottom. It's like the gent gentle, nice, like little trip.

[A]

Yeah. I mean on the road too. Like I just go back to my room. There's no, like, maybe I'll go out after. Maybe I'll hang. You know, like that's kind of gone because like what do I want to, you know, the other thing is like the, the want to talk to anyone that's not her isn't really not as much, you know, when and you know what I mean. So like I, I don't want to build relationships with other people. So I think that that was the

[B]

best thing about being in a relationship is not having to talk to anyone else. That was actually my favorite. I remember being like, I just wish that I could meet someone so I could stop meeting new people. Like, I hate meeting new people.

[A]

Right. And so that's why when, like, when people. It's not a natural thing to be like out making friends when you're like in a relationship and or like engaged or like, you know, like, like what are you doing here? You know, like, it's like if you're not with a friend who's single, what's going on? And I mean that should be. If, if anything that could be some somewhat of a warning to anyone chit chatting with some guy who happens to be in a relationship. It's like, why does he want to do that?

[B]

Right. Well, I think if you're already out and like you're out for a reason, like why go out? You wouldn't go out alone.

[A]

The other change is like, I, you know, when you're single, you build up like these single people to confide in. Like you're just. And those relationships have to change as well. And it's kind of underrated talking to those people. Well, it sounds kind of mean, you know, like I went and met a friend who was in town for coffee and I was happy to meet them for coffee. But like our texting that was going on before I had a girlfriend was way different than it is with a girlfriend because I'm like, I'll just tell it to Emily. You know, I don't need, I don't need these like the, you know, like, I don't need you. Well, you know, I don't need this rotating cast of characters that kind of operate as some version of a girlfriend. And I think that happens to a lot of single people where, you know, like there's a lot of people that you're like talking to, texting with A few times a week, every day maybe. And they're not going to be at your wedding the minute you, you get in a relationship. Goodbye. You know, it'd be hard to keep up with all those people.

[B]

It's interesting that men have this too. No, it's interesting men have this too because I think that that's sort of like a frictional point in a lot of female relationships is like, you know, you have your single friend and we're always going out meeting people and then one person gets into a relationship and the other person feels a little bit like cast aside or which hap. I mean you're saying it happens with men too. It sounds so, it doesn't sound quite as catty when you say it.

[A]

Well, it happens with my male, female relationships. My male relationships never hinged on talking about the day to day of my dating life and how hard dating is. But I, I think a lot of men that stay single later accumulate women that they like chit chat in a non sexual way that are also other single women. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

And I think that, so I agree with you. Like it's like, you know, you get in a relationship but it's like, do I have a need for this relationship that kind of is us discussing our dates?

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's a little weird. It's a weird thing to admit to because I do like there's not, none of those people are people I don't like. You know, like I, I like them, I consider them my friends.

[B]

Well, place and time things every, you know, relationships have a season, right? Friendships have a season sometimes. Yeah.

[A]

Like I've noticed that with women that like got engaged that I used to chitchat with, they goodbye, see ya. Like you're kind of like wa them as they get on the boat off of single island. Hopefully I see you soon. Like I, I, you know.

[B]

Right. Good luck.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. No, I've had that with like male friends who it just feel, felt like I don't need to have like lunch with you anymore. Like.

[A]

Right. Why are we.

[B]

It feels inappropriate. Yeah, there's like an inappropriate and it's

[A]

weird that it's not inappropriate. Like you know, there's people I would get dinner with and I would say to Emily, I'm getting dinner with this friend and I'm cool with it. But I'm also like, I hope they're cool with it. Like it is on my mind. I hope she's understands.

[B]

No, but I see what you're saying in terms of like you have someone that kind of like, already knows everything about you. That if you have something to talk about, you'll just talk about it with her.

[A]

Right. And if I'm not talking about with her, what am I doing? Why are we doing this?

[B]

Right. Yeah. No, I agree. All right, that's, that's a very interesting insight. I'm glad that men have that too.

[A]

That could be the next book. Speaking of insight and dating, Walking Red Flag, as you can see, is coming out in the next couple weeks. I'm doing a book tour. A book tour, whatever that is. New York City.

[B]

You gonna read, do a live reading excerpts.

[A]

We're trying to figure out, I'm trying to figure out what this book tour is. I will have figured it out, but I'm like, it'll be fun. I'm trying to figure out what, I don't know the reason for it in this. Not to be too open and get you into the things that are stressing me out. But like, I thought the publisher, I thought it was going to be like out of a rom com about a guy who wrote a book where I go to these little book stores and, you know, an older woman asked me questions about it and I thought this would be like, I walk in and the publisher sets it up. They're basically like, jared, what do you want to do? And I'm like, oh, I have another job. Thank you. So New York city, Boston, Philly, D.C. chicago, Denver. You can that. I hope that got you hyped up to come to my book tour.

[B]

Well, I told you, book tours are very hit or miss. So one place you'll have like, you'll have like a 100 people there. And the next, the next place it's like just you and some woman who stumbled upon your, like, you sitting there at Barnes and Noble.

[A]

What's the job of the PR people at the book company? Like, I don't understand. I, I, I right.

[B]

Their, their job is to identify people who already have a platform so they don't have to do anything. That's their job.

[A]

Well, my book tour is going to be. When you walk in, there's going to be a screen that tells you email your questions. Screenshots, dating app, profile. And that's fun. You can send those in right away. We keep names anonymous. We'll, we'll set it up and all that stuff. We'll try our best, but, well, anonymous. We'll bring you up on stage, we'll discuss your problem. But I think the one feedback I've gotten from people who have read the book, I Had a woman tell me. She's like, I'm in a relationship because of your book.

[B]

Wow. I'm like, how she get such an early copy?

[A]

It was a friend I sent it to.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they. I wrote this book. Listen, the. I'm not going to, like, guarantee you're going to find a relationship from it, but I didn't even realize. I'm like, I'm looking to make a funny book about dating. That was, like, the goal, you know? But it is under the idea of advice. But that's the show. Like, I don't think you or I were like, we're gonna help people. No, we were like, we're gonna make a funny show about dating. And we want to make money, and we also want to, like, you know, have it be successful and have people enjoy it. We want everyone to love it, and we want to love it, too, and we want to make a living. There's a part of the book that discusses what type of single you are. And I totally forgot about that part. And, like, I was like, oh, shit. Because I wrote it over email, like, at a coffee shop, like, on my phone, you know, like, and I came up with all these ideas of, like. Because I think when you acknowledge what type of single you are, you can be a better dater. Like, if you say, like, I'm just looking to, like, and you had a name to it and it had a vibe, or if you had, like, I'm really depressed about my last relationship, but I'm still going on dates. Like, there's different versions, different flavors of single. Course, she said that she read it and was like, I'm this type of single. And then showed it to a guy she went on a date with. What type of single are you? And he was like, I'm this. And it told. And it, like, helped them communicate.

[B]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's amazing.

[A]

I think that's going to be the beginning of the show.

[B]

Perfect for me when I was dating, right?

[A]

Like, it's okay to be single and also still hung up on someone else. Like, that's a version of single. But if you don't admit to that, then you're lying to yourself.

[B]

Right? I love that. I have the book. I need to read it. The twisters are really cutting into my free time, but I am going to read it before.

[A]

The only reason, actually, that is.

[B]

That is the best part about it.

[A]

It's the best part.

[B]

No time. Just so. Just so busy.

[A]

What am I going to say?

[B]

No time. That and the. The law you know, the. But the two. The two best excuses I've had all year, the kids and the Long Island Railroad strike. Sorry I can't come.

[A]

Yes. So speaking of kind of odds and ends, here, you up with Benefits, where we get very personal and, you know, we do a lot of crying and tears. We're adding video. We're adding video to you up with Benefits. People have asked for that for a long time. People. You know, a few people have asked from time to time. We could ask for it. And we're also raising the price. This is the reality of the world. We would love to keep you. We'd love to have you. We understand that. You know, we understand. We start every you up with Benefits episode with. It's a vast free Internet, and we feel very lucky that you would like to pay a premium to get more of us. And so we understand it's not for everybody, but we also understand that if you're paying for it and the. And it's. It's not valuable to you, then you gotta leave. I get it.

[B]

But subscribe. Yeah.

[A]

Right. But if you are paying for it and you're finding value, we hope that this price matches that value. So. But you can lock in a price. So we're gonna have. So it's not like we're just raising the price and saying, go yourself. We're adding video. So, you know, like, I don't know. We're.

[B]

We're.

[A]

I feel like we're responding to people who are upset. Are people upset or. I hate saying people. A few individuals have been upset.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That it's going up. But I'm like, I'm sorry. That's.

[B]

Listen, people are in. It's kind of like when you break up with someone, you're entitled to be upset. It doesn't mean that it was wrong.

[A]

You don't have to attack us personally.

[B]

Right. Yeah.

[A]

It's not like sitting on a pile of money right now.

[B]

Yeah. If you. If you. If you feel like it's too expensive, that's totally fine. If you need to unsubscribe, that's totally fine. You can still lock in the same price. If you do it before June. If you find that. If you find that it's not worth it for you, that's okay. I actually like having less subscribers because I feel like I can get more intimate the less people subscribe. So.

[A]

Rich. Jordana.

[B]

Yeah, I want to keep it small and intimate. And listen, look, we do. We do get personal. We do get there. If again, you are totally entitled to Say, this isn't worth it for me. This is too expensive. Not in this economy.

[A]

Fine. I, listen, I get it.

[B]

You could just leave. You don't need to tell us why you don't. You could just.

[A]

Or you might come back. You might see the, the benefits episode. Like, listen, this isn't we. When people leave, we don't go and get out. We don't do that. We go, leave, Come back.

[B]

Come back. Yeah, come back if you want.

[A]

So I don't know, maybe we hear it more personally than it. When it's like, I don't know if people, Because I've written jokes and then said them on stage and been like, oh, I should never say it ever again. Maybe people don't know how they sound. I mean, because only honestly, we're speaking to like seven people.

[B]

I, I, Right, Like, I agree.

[A]

So whatever.

[B]

If you describe the show, we're self aware, we're, we're lit.

[A]

I hear you.

[B]

I, I've seen comments that people are upset about the increase. I understand that this is a product. Cost to produce things goes up. And that's sort of like, again, I wish it, I, I wish it was, was more accessible. If you're leaving, I wish you stayed, but I also am okay if you leave because then you won't have to listen to me cry on you. Up with benefits.

[A]

So I've been, I've been commenting on ExxonMobil's Facebook page all day because gas went up. You know, I, Yeah, I can't believe it. What are you, Piece of. What do you guys, you know, Mr. Exxon, if you subscribe now, you can lock in the 39.99 a year rate before it becomes 6.99amonth or 54.99 a year in June. So sometimes I don't know how this is received. Like, I mean, we're talking about money, and we don't mean to be flippant, but it's like, this is the cost, you know, like, how much is something worth? As my dad always said, how much does it cost? Whatever, someone will pay. So, you know, the, that's the reality of life. If everyone unsubscribed tomorrow, we'd go, holy. I'm not looking to, you know, cause a strike, but I, yeah, maybe we should strike.

[B]

Let's just move on.

[A]

Yeah, let's move on. All right. What's the first email?

[B]

Let's get into our first email. I'll read our first email. I think we just lost every listener that.

[A]

I feel incredible. We literally spent 10 minutes, guys. I can't believe you pay for this.

[B]

Skims is genuinely one of those brands I will never stop talking about. The way they just get fit and fabric is unlike anything else out there and they keep raising the bar. Their new cotton collection is the latest proof of that and honestly, it might be my new favorite thing they've ever made. I love Skims. I've been trying their new underwear collection and it is so, so, so comfortable. And for me, having comfortable underwear is like the number one thing because you're in it all day and if you're like adjusting at it or if it's kind of like pulling at you, it really just ruins your ability to focus on anything else you're doing. So to me, doing well at work, weirdly, strangely tied back to how comfortable my underwear is. And Skims has the best, softest, and most utilitarian underwear. It's like great. They have kinds for every different shape and they're all serving a specific purpose. And no matter what they're doing, you are looking good in them. But you're also really, really comfortable, which is super hard combination. I also have their cotton bras, which are so, so, so comfy. And you know, I also love knowing where everything is and their bras are perfect for that. They make me feel like I can go about my day and not have to think about my underwear and bras, which is honestly the whole point. Shop everyday cotton and all my favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and make sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

[A]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. May is mental health awareness month, so consider this your official check in. How are you actually doing? And I don't mean the I'm fine version. If you've been feeling overwhelmed or stuck lately, therapy can be worth a shot because you don't have to go through it all on your own. I would say BetterHelp is an amazing asset to anyone who wants to put their toe in the water of therapy. These are licensed therapists who can give you the tools you need to through whatever you're going through. And also you can switch at any time. No waiting room, no making an appointment that's like four miles away. No, no, you can do better help at your own leisure, so to speak. It really makes therapy accessible, which I love. With over 30,000 fully licensed therapists, Better Help is the world's largest online therapy platform. Having served over 6 million people globally. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnair helps identify your needs and preferences and if you aren't happy with your match, as I said before, switch to a different therapist and anytime from their tailored wrecks. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com uup that's better h lp.com uup

[B]

hi J and J. Congrats. You're down on the babies. I also caught Jared at the Netflix as a joke festival in LA and he was was amazing as always.

[A]

Oh thank you. That was a fun show.

[B]

Getting right into it My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we are starting to talk about engagement, but something that happened early in our relationship has been hard to shake. Can you help me figure out if I'm being naive or if this is simply no longer relevant? We started dating in May 2024. That December, my best friend received a DM on Instagram from a private account with very few followers and posts. Let's call the sender Emily. Emily told my best friend that she My girl, that's not your Emily. Not your Emily. Emily told my best friend that she had been trying to reach me without success and felt the need to warn me about my boyfriend James. She claimed a friend of hers had been dating James at the same time as me and that he was known for being deceptive and cheating. My first reaction was to laugh it off. James and I had been living together for two months at that point and we were spending almost all our time together, so it seemed impossible. When I brought it up, James was equally confused and tried to track down the account but couldn't. My best friend also sent her a follow request asking for photos or proof, but the account never accepted it and eventually disappeared entirely. Fast forward to May 2025. A friend was telling us about the Facebook group Are we Dating the same man? I think it's called Are we Dating the Same Guy? And everyone started looking up their boyfriends. I let them look up James and they found a post by Emily with his photos. One was his LinkedIn picture and one a recent photo from his Facebook from January. The post was asking if anyone was dating him. In the comments, a girl named Lisa said that she had previously dated him and he had cheated on her and that he was a bad person. The problem? James had never mentioned an ex named Lisa. He had also told me directly that he had never cheated on anyone. When I confronted him and asked to see his phone, I found Lisa saved as a contact, though their last conversation was from January 2024 before we started D He broke down crying and said he was so ashamed of how he had behaved in that relationship that he had hidden it for me, afraid it would change how I saw him. He said he knew from early on that he wanted a future with me and was scared the truth would ruin it. He then told me the full story, which mostly matched what Lisa had said. One additional thing worth noting, he had told me he wasn't he hadn't been on dating apps since 2023, but I found he still had an active hinge account in August 2024. We were not yet official at that point, so the issue wasn't the app itself, but the lie about it. After a few weeks, we worked through it and move forward. This is genuinely the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. We recently moved to a new city together and are building a life. He has never done anything during our relationship to make me question his loyalty to me directly. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him, but every so often I wonder if I was too quick to look past all of this, not only because of the lies, but also because I find myself questioning who would go to such lengths to harm him. DMing my best friend and posting about him in a Facebook group. What do you think? Thanks for everything you do A possibly

[A]

naive batch well, this is, I think it's an interesting email because it kind of gets into like, if you have the tool, do you use it? You know, like, you know, the blessing of being our parents generation is that you broke up with someone and maybe you ran into them 20 years down the line and you didn't have the ability to watch them move on and do well and be happy no matter how your relationship went. Because it can feel if you know, if you were ended, if you had a weird relationship with someone, weird being, cheating or a situationship or whatever it might be. It is so human to check in on that person and see them doing really well and being like, well, why? What is it about me that wouldn't allow for them to be doing as well with me when it's not, you know, that's not fair. But it's a human sure kind of thing and because we have access and the ability, it is human. And I'm using the word human on purpose because it's also human to cheat and to be in a situationship and to lead people on and to lie, to lie. You know, these are all biblical, you know, like, and I'm going biblical because I think people need to, like, I, I'm going to be empathizing with the man in this scenario because I've said it many times here, one horrible boyfriend is another person's, you know, Instagram caption where they're the best relationship I've ever had and I'm so happy. So it becomes this thing where, and this is what the Internet does is we take these slights and these things that people did wrong that are not illegal and not offenses that we can put people in jail for, and we try to get retribution. So, like, we try to find a way to hurt them in a way that the courts. This is vigilante justice, so to speak. And it happens on the Internet every day. We, we find a, A, a moral impurity and we try to make it right. But then you get on the slippery slope game of like, when has this person paid? When is this? And so, and dating is emotional. Bumper car. So I, I'm saying a lot of things to, to say that, like, this is kind of what's happening. And, and personally, have I been a perfect boyfriend guy, dated? No. So when I'm posting happily and I'm aware of these things because I, and I've had this, you know, this message sent, and it's either on the, on the spectrum, it's either this woman who messaged is the Joker and she just wants to see the world burn and she just sends things to people to ruin their relationship because she wants nobody happy because she's unhappy. Or this relationship was really bad and she wants everyone to know so that he can't just move on happily because she still feels that her trauma, trauma from it, has ruined her for a life of happiness. Because that could be true too. So I'll stop my monologue.

[B]

My theory on this is that Emily is actually Lisa. And then Lisa commented on her own post.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As Lisa as like, oh, someone else brought this up and I'm just commenting on it. So I believe that Lisa is the same person. Lisa is Emily and Lisa's Lisa.

[A]

Right. Einhorn is Finkel. Finkel is Einhorn.

[B]

Yes. So that's something to, like, keep in mind. Yes. Is it, Is she, Is she scorned and trying to get even? Sure. But at the same time, did James lie? Yes. Is he not being entirely truthful about his past, even when confronted a couple times? Yes. Should he is he the worst person? Should he be canceled and. And no one should ever be in a relationship with him again? No. Could you still keep dating him? I think yes. However, she says we're talking about engagement. I do think this warrants some couple sessions because she's writing into a podcast about this guy. She. He confesses after he's been caught. She doesn't fully trust him. I would, I wouldn't fully trust him either.

[A]

But what did he confess to?

[B]

He said he had never cheated any on anyone. He cheated on this person. That's a lie. He said he was off of the apps since 2023. He was on in 2024. While. While after they had met. That's a lie again. Nothing wrong with either of these things. I think the COVID up, as you always say.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Is worse than the crime. And yeah, I think if I was going to marry this person, I would have some questions about their ability to tell me things that I don't necessarily want to hear. Or. Or are they just presenting the best version of themselves. And again, I don't think that makes him unlovable or undateable. But I would need to work. Personally, I think I would need to work through that, maybe with the help of a therapist to find out why he was lying. How is he gonna. In the future if he does something that he doesn't think that I. That he's ashamed of, is he going to lie about that too?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think there's. This is a little deeper. I don't think it's like either like get rid of him and dump him or pretend that you never. That this never happened. This isn't. This is. It doesn't happen to everyone. Not everyone gets dms from another person. Like I would need to know a lot more about like this relationship, what he did wrong, how he feels about it, what happened and like why he felt he couldn't tell me.

[A]

Yeah. I. It's funny you your how we looked at this because I looked at this as like why would someone message and make this their life's journey?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, okay, what do we got to do? And I think both are worth acknowledging.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like if my. If Emily said to me I got a message from an example and I need to go to couples therapy with you so that I can like get these questions out in a way that I don't know how to, I would be like, all right, I guess we gotta do this. Like, I, I would be like that. X. What a pain in the ass work. You Know it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They just cost me. Right. They just. 10 hours in couples therapy.

[A]

Right. What the. I. Yeah. And I'm giving you as, like, I'm. I'm being more honest because I can. I'm thinking in hypothetical, like, you know, this guy, if, If. If he. When he's approached, he's like, oh, I just, you know, I cared about her. He's gonna say nice things. Like. Like, his answer is probably more closer to mine. Like, this won't go away. You know, like.

[B]

Yeah, I can understand. Here's the thing. If. If it didn't come out that he had lied about any of this, even, like, let's say he told her that whole story and then this person DM'd her, I would kind of. I would be more on your side of, like, this person is just, like, unable to move past it. And it's more like, you know, he's. Be more of the victim here. But I think, like, he did lie.

[A]

I don't find him a victim.

[B]

I think there's other things. I think there's other things that he could be lying about. I would have trouble if I was about to get engaged to this person.

[A]

He has the ability to lie.

[B]

Yes, he has the ability to lie and only will tell me something when there's, like, this black and white. Like, I have to. I don't want to be doing. If I'm going to marry someone. She said they're talking about engagement. If I'm gonna marry someone, I don't want to spend the rest of my life, like, doing in private investigatory detective work. Because I'm not sure. I don't know if I can trust that what he's telling me is true. Because he did. Trust is, like, a very important thing, and he's kind of showing here, again, more than what he did. If you cheat on someone, people do that. That's human. Like you said, if you lie to someone, that's. That's human. But it doesn't sound like you would do that if you, like, were coming to terms with what you did. Like, if you've really processed it, if you really changed and you wouldn't be lying. If you're lying about it, you're not owning what you've done.

[A]

I agree. I don't think he's a victim. Like, I. I think he's like. I think he's like a normal person. Like, I. I think that's my. The way I'm giving him grace. And I agree with you. Like, and also, it doesn't matter what he did, it's on her mind. She feels a lack of trust, and you can't tell someone how to feel. So, like, I mean, I think it's,

[B]

don't you think it's warranted that she feels a lack of trust? If he lied to her, she can

[A]

feel however she feels. I, it's warranted to be on her mind still. Like, this person got in touch, and then she goes and finds more, and he's like, no, no, no, I don't know what that is. And then she finds more information. He's like, like, well, there was this girl that I cheated on. Yeah. Now it's like, you don't want to get the response of like, well, now that you've seen this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Let me give you the full story. You, you know, I, I, no one wants that response from someone that they're about to maybe get engaged with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The feeling of distrust is warranted, but who am I to say she just feels distrust? Like, that's fine. I'm saying when she goes through this couple's therapy, if all you find out is, yeah, I just, it was someone I was working through my emotions with, and that's how dating works. Like, if that's all you find out from it, I'm telling you that that's would be my response.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Like, like, that's a normal. I don't know what else there is to find.

[B]

Well, sometimes, I mean, he said he cheated on her. That's different than working through my emotions, Right? Yes. So to me, again, it's like, less about what he did. And again, even if he cheated on her, it's less about the fact that he cheated on her and more about the fact that he lied about it. It. So what I would want to work through in couples therapy would be, why did you feel like you needed to lie to me? Did you think I wouldn't understand? Like, what is. Like, what is your fear in telling me the truth? Is it like, and what hap. What will happen in the future when something you do something that I don't like.

[A]

Right.

[B]

How will you handle it then? What is the difference in how you will handle it then?

[A]

These. That's all fair. I, I think it's fair for her to not trust him because of this scenario. It's fair of him to have acted the way he did in dating and then figured out his date and then change.

[B]

Sure. You know, like that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I'm saying, like, the lying part makes me think that he hasn't changed.

[A]

Right. Because usually figure Out.

[B]

Yeah. Because then you're like, not owning your own baggage.

[A]

Have you ever wanted to message an ex's new girlfriend to let them know what a horrible boyfriend they were to you?

[B]

No.

[A]

Do you know someone who has. Is that something that is discussed?

[B]

I think most people would think that that person was like a little unhinged. My feeling on that is like, if the person is a piece of. You will find out sooner or later. You will definitely find out. You don't. You don't need me, right? You don't need me to come. And also this person's coming in and saying. Messaging her friend, saying, my friend used to date. Like, so you're two people who are not even directly involved in the situation. Which is why I don't believe it was really Emily. I think it's really Lisa. But she's trying to, like, create less because. Because everyone knows that if she comes in as Lisa, she's gonna look crazier.

[A]

Right? My friend dated this guy is way easier to do than I dated them.

[B]

I think if someone had like stolen money from me or physically abused me or even like, you know, something like that, I think in that case maybe my answer would be different.

[A]

But that's a, That's a different email altogether. This is. Yeah, this is the fun one, you know, like, this is. The cheating is fine.

[B]

Yeah. You know, right?

[A]

Like, I. No, that's a different thing. Where. And again, like, I do understand where it's like, there's bad people out there and it's like, where's the responsibility? What will be enough? What. How long should people be punished? I don't know. It's. It's a real thing going on right now. I'm not a big cancel culture guy. Like, I don't think that exists. I don't think it exists for everybody. You know, like, it's. But I do think this idea of like, you make one mistake and then it just like follows you forever.

[B]

No. Yeah. And I, I don't agree with that either. But that's why I'm like, you always say this too. Like, the COVID up is worse than the crime. Just like say what you did say, why you're different now. Like when she says, he says he's never cheated on anyone, that's kind of crazy. If he like clearly has cheated on someone, like, just don't. Just tell the truth. Pro, like, say like what you've learned from it and move on. Because, like, I don't think that she. Like, I think most people, if they were dating someone and they said that they had cheated on someone and they regretted it and this is why they did it and this is what happened. I think they would forgive that person, especially if it wasn't them.

[A]

Well, this is why people hide things about their lives when they host podcasts. They don't want to be judged fully when they give or have to admit to their faults when giving some sort of advice or perspective. You know, now he's got. That's the way he said he's never cheated. He didn't want. He wanted to lose the ability to have his opinion on everything with that while being guy who's never cheated, he loses it. You have a different brand.

[B]

That's the bigger. That's a bigger problem.

[A]

Right? Send Help is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus.

[B]

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[A]

Let's play petty or prudent. Ready?

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Petty or prudent game that's sweeping the country. You date someone, you break up, you do something. After the breakup, were you being petty or was it prudent? You ready?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

J and J. I have a petty or prudent me, 28 and my ex, 31, dated about one and a half years. We're looking at apartments together, even applied to one but didn't get it. Since we were planning to move in, I had to let my landlord know by March 31st if I was resigning my lease and confidently told him no. Now I have to move out of my cute apartment and find something new. All because he couldn't let me know four days prior. To make it worse, he broke up with me over text and we haven't seen each other since. He felt bad about how it was handling offer to pay help pay for movers, but he was always all talk and I know he isn't actually planning to doesn't have the extra money to do so. He doesn't need to move. So he is not uprooted by all this. Is it petty if we don't talk for five months and then I Venmo request him for my movers? Once I find something, I'll have to put down first and last month's brokers fee and security deposit. So I kind of want to, but is this a move? What do you think, Jordana?

[B]

I think given the circumstances, he, it would not be petty for him to pay, to ask him to pay because he was, he, you know, he broke up with you, you guys were planning on moving together. He, he waited until after you had, you were forced to move. And so this is kind of his fault and I think he should pay.

[A]

Well, let's just acknowledge the specifics of this email because I think they're important. She says I had to let them know by March 31st if I was resigning my lease and confidently told him no. My ex broke up with me on April 4th. It is funny that she's like, if he had just told me four days before, well, I don't know, that'd be nice.

[B]

But like that's, well, then she wouldn't have to move.

[A]

Well, then she, she says to him, what the, now I have to move. And then his response is, I'll help you pay for the movers. To me, he has made an offer.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so she should take him up on the offer. And her problem, I think what it's, it's, I think it's prudent to say, okay, put emotions aside. She's not putting emotions aside. And that's her biggest problem because the emotional her is like, well, in five months I'll randomly send him a Venmo. No, he's offering you now to right. Pay you off to shut the fuck up.

[B]

So do it now.

[A]

Do it now. Like I, I, I, I think the petty thing would be to go silent and then five months later you send this random bill. Like I, I think it would.

[B]

It's get a quote and tell him

[A]

to be like, okay, I got a quote on the mover. It's going to cost this much. Half is this. There you go. Good luck. We're broken up. Never speaking to me. Never speak to me again. Like that's prudent. Is direct, petty. Is being vague and emotional about it. He is giving you an actual offer,

[B]

which I believe is, is, is, is nice, but also warranted.

[A]

Totally. I, I think it's warranted, but I think if I said to someone, if I said to you, Jordana, I, you know, I didn't realize that this date didn't match up with. I. If I said, Jordana, I didn't realize you're gonna have to move out of your place because of this.

[B]

I would have broken up with you on Monday.

[A]

I would have broken up with you way sooner. I guess I made a financial mistake here. So let me take care of half the movers. And I think we're her going. He's all talk. Like, hold on, Betty. I think it's. I think it's petty to then accuse him of all talk before he has the opportunity to take him up on the offer.

[B]

That's true. But if he. If he pays, you have to let go of the anger about the date of the breakup.

[A]

Yes. And you can't say he never. He doesn't have the money. And, you know, if he pays, you can have issues about a lot of other things. This is not an issue you can have. And I think she's a worried. I think it's interesting that she's like. He's all like. She almost wants him not to pay so that she can tell this story.

[B]

I agree. You know, my mom has this. My mom's been engaged like, 700 times. Like, she's been married a bunch, but she's been engaged even more than that. And so she's had some broken engagements in her day, and she owed this line, which was, like, pretty funny. A little up, but pretty funny, which was that I've never hated anyone enough to give back the ring. Which is exactly what's going on here, where she's like, I'd rather keep the ring and, like, move on, shut the up, not be, like, harassing you about anything. Then if I, like, then give you back the ring on principle.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And keep my anger.

[A]

Right. So she's.

[B]

That's her line. I've never hated anyone enough to give back the ring.

[A]

And this person is on the edge. I'm like, they are on the edge of giving back the ring.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So they need to keep the ring, get your money, and then if he doesn't pay, you can talk all the you want. So it's a fine line between petty and prudent.

[B]

I agree. But, yeah, charge him. Get a quote. Charge him. Even if you don't know where you're moving, get a general sense.

[A]

It's ten grand. Hey, ten grand. Here's the quote from a mover to move me to whatever, wherever. I'll need five grand in my Venmo. You have until this day.

[B]

Yeah. You'd pay.

[A]

I Would pay double. I would literally send her double.

[B]

She's not negotiating hard enough.

[A]

No, I. She'd go, it's five grand. I go, let me take care of the full move. Here's 10. And. And now she. She has to include that in our breakup story. Now I'm a little bit of a hero, right?

[B]

Yeah. Well, I guess she would hate me for it. You're. You're basically like, I've never hated anyone enough to ask for the ring.

[A]

Right?

[B]

That's your version, right?

[A]

It goes all ways.

[B]

All right, let's do it. Long time listener, first time writing in. I've been a listener for years, but I'm caught up on all episodes. So I went back to the beginning. Jared in 2018-2019, was very vocal about his love for a finger up the butt.

[A]

Where.

[B]

What's going on, Jared?

[A]

You're on my finger in the butt days.

[B]

Yes. You don't talk about that.

[A]

It's been a while. I guess that was a phase. Let me. Let me tell the listeners. Not a phase. So.

[B]

Okay. In case you were wondering, we're still

[A]

deep in my butt. Okay. I would still encourage all men finger in the butt during a blow job.

[B]

Okay. And honestly, I sympathize with the plight that women are progressive until their man asks for a finger up the butt.

[A]

That's right. Well, all you. All you handmaid tale women.

[B]

We think. We think we. Yeah, we think we know things. Well, it happened to me. It happened to her. My long term partner made the request and I feel very guilty for absolutely hating the idea while satisfying him. Turns me on. The germaphobe in me is struggling. I know sex should be messy, but I also know any visuals or smell of poop would completely turn me off. Potentially long term. Is this a valid concern? If I open the door, will this now become an every time occurrence? Jared, if the woman you were seeing never wanted to do it, would this be a deal breaker? How can I get over myself and be more adventurous? Thanks for all the laughs and advice. Sincerely. A compulsive hand washing.

[A]

Well, she. All he has to do is put a Febreze up his ass and it's taken care.

[B]

It's how it's done.

[A]

It's fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So where do we want to start Here? Where. Where should we put our. I would say to this person, if. If you were dating.

[B]

If she were dating you. If she were dating you, what would you.

[A]

What would. Here, here's the take.

[B]

Be here.

[A]

Finger in the butt during a sexual act is like dessert. You're not doing. You're not getting dessert every meal. Like, this is. So let me say to her, she does. Does it once. Doesn't mean she's gotta, like, put on, you know, every night. Right. She doesn't have to take her finger and, you know, put it in an ice bath afterwards. After.

[B]

It could be a special occasion.

[A]

It's a special occasion thing. You know, sometimes you, you have a big dinner and you're like, don't touch it, it'll explode. I don't wanna. You know, it goes all ways. Like, I don't wanna. On a finger. And you don't want. On your finger. You know, like, it's okay. So that. First of all, I don't think doing it means this is your life. And your, Your finger's gonna change colors because of.

[B]

All your hands are just gonna smell like poop.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think that. And if that's the case, like, because every sexual experience is different. Like, there's some types of sex that is, like, serviceable, and there's some that's like, we're gonna go a little crazier and it goes all ways. So some nights there's a finger in the butt, some nights there's not, you know, So I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't do it. Like, I, I just.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, I. I'll say that. I. I think, well, maybe they wouldn't.

[B]

She wouldn't be a match for you if she's not willing to do it.

[A]

No, no, I'm not saying. Because they're not dateable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm just saying not for you. Right. Because I would want sexual adventure, you know, Like, I think, you know, and I do believe that women, a lot of progressive. Women are progressive until they get put to task. You know, like, you know, the, the. Oh, all sexuality. Because if a man says, I want a finger in the butt anytime I brought this up, you get. A lot of women will go, who did you do that with? Like, it gets very judgy. What, do you love it, like? Well, no, I'm just looking to have a fun sexual time with you. You know, it becomes this, like, judgmental, very backwards. Considering the women I date, you know, considering the whole picture of how they are, it gets weirdly judgmental in this scenario.

[B]

I'm surprised it gets judgmental.

[A]

I'm not saying always. I'm just saying it can, you know.

[B]

Right. Yeah. Right. I mean, here's the. Here's the thing. And she said her long Term partner made the request. So I assume this isn't like a deal. They've been together a while. This is something he's thought about trying. I agree with you. He doesn't. She doesn't need to do it every night. Maybe if, if she's like a little bit of a germaphobe. She says I'll do it on occasion and maybe we'll, we have this prep for it to make sure everything we, everyone makes sure.

[A]

Make sure, you know, you get something particular.

[B]

Shout out, shout a shower. Relatively close to the act perhaps.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And again, I think if she tried broccoli. Yeah. If she absolutely doesn't want. She sounds like, how can I get over myself and be more adventurous? I think set yourself up for success by doing that kind of thing. 1 and then I think if you try it and you're like, I really, really didn't enjoy that. I let's, we got, I could, here's some other things we could try. I have another idea that's like a little less anal. Let's, let's.

[A]

She sounds a little anal.

[B]

Yeah, well, exactly. I think, I think if she really doesn't like it and, and she's dating you, she's not the match for you. This, it doesn't sound like that's the case because she's, they're the long term partner.

[A]

Trying it, not liking it. I would date that person.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Trying it, not trying it at all is someone that I don't think I would match with sexually just because I just want.

[B]

Not for you.

[A]

No, no. And I, and I'm saying she's, you know, like you said, long term boyfriend. He might be a little bored. That's why he's bringing it up. I don't think he's bringing it up because he's like been fiending for this. Like, you know, I think this is like a, a thing on the menu that kind of adds a little spice to what you guys are already doing. And if I'm her. Give it a shot. Wear a glove.

[B]

Yeah. Pretend. Do a little doctor role play.

[A]

Yeah. Little dot. There we go. Check them for, check them to see if he needs a colonoscopy. You're the doctor. You're the year old hemorrhoids. Yeah, I, I, I think also as the Rosa Parks of male ass play, I am looking to be out in front of this issue. Go research it like go look it up. See what the why the reason is. I think a more knowledgeable like if a woman said to me I need a finger in the butt. And I went and researched how that helps a woman get off. It would make me feel a lot better about it. And. And. And like, I was, like, solving some sort of puzzle. Like, I. I think, like, that type of conversation where you take curiosity is way more.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Fun.

[B]

I agree. And again, if you're like this. I was like, well, that's an idea. I don't know if, like, that's my number one. I'm. I'm open to spicing things up. What if we try this?

[A]

Right? Give some other ideas. Yeah, yeah, let's negotiate. That's the. I think that's not, like. No.

[B]

Yeah. I think it's more about, like, the way you're. Are you both interested in. In having fun with this, or is one person sort of being ashamed or. Or, like, told that their thing is gross? I think there's a way to. To phrase it or move it around to be like, I don't know if that's, like, my number one thing to try. Have you ever thought about trying this thing or this thing?

[A]

There's nothing that I have found more sexually hot. And I think this is, you know, I'll bring up an example which is actually. Makes sense here. Men really love a woman who knows what she wants and gives hot direction for it. Like, I think, like, if she's like, finger in the butt, fine, whatever. But this is how I want it to go. That's hot. Like, having an opinion on how the sexual go and giving ideas and having some creativity yourself. I think a lot of men get put in the position of, like, sounding like we're all sexual monsters, and then, like, we don't hear that from the women's side. When you do, it's like, hot. Do you remember that story that came out? It was like, the guy accused his boss, the JP Morgan guy, It ended up being fake.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So there's this guy, JP Morgan, that, like, basically accused his boss of making him perform sexual acts on her.

[B]

Oh, like a woman. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. A woman saying this. Yes.

[A]

And then the guy made up this whole story. He made it up. Apparently it's. It's a crazy story. And he was going to get a settlement, and then he, like, went public with it again. I'm speaking a little bit out of my ass. That's not. There's no finger in it, so I can get it out of my ass.

[B]

The.

[A]

The employee, he. He made up this whole thing that she was, like, kind of like, forcing him to her. And then he. She was saying horrible things about his wife. And the other part that was interesting to me, if you're like wondering about male sexuality, is the amount of like, memes that were written back to the story of like, men being like, yes, please. You know, like, like being into it and liking a woman with real, you know, with, with I want this thing. You fuck me now. There was just so many responses from men. I mean, in the most male of space. Twitter, where everyone's just like a horrible human being. Everyone's like, I'll take it. Like, it was just very interesting to me.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, that's funny. So, yeah, I guess moral of the story, you tell her what you want to do.

[A]

Yeah. Like let's give. I raise your finger in the butt with whatever. Whatever you're looking to do. Right. So.

[B]

Or hour long snuckle session.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Play some games.

[B]

Let's play some games. Let's do it.

[A]

Red Flag or Deal Breaker. The game that is sweeping the country. It's a. You're dating someone, it's going perfect. One thing happens. Is it a red flag? You see it and you stick with it? Or is it a deal breaker? You end it sight unseen?

[B]

Okay, we'll get to that later.

[A]

We'll get to that later. That is a.

[B]

All right, you start.

[A]

Jared, Jay and Jay love the podcast. I've been so happy and inspired by both your life updates and milestones lately. That's something. Did I talk about that? People responding to me having a girlfriend as if I couldn't get a girlfriend. Yes, it's. Yeah, that's a. Been a weird runoff, a weird nuisance that I never saw coming that were just so happy.

[B]

Finally Finally. Yes.

[A]

We didn't think anyone would.

[B]

We didn't think anyone would settle for you.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think men want people to be happy for them when they get in a relationship.

[B]

They want people to be upset that, like, they're off the market.

[A]

Oh, man. How are we gonna. How are we gonna operate without your out of the market? Oh, my God. Yeah. So I have a red flagger deal breaker that I was reminded of by the story of the guy telling his date that he found another woman attractive. That really spurred a conversation.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I was at a bar with my friend recently. Both single, 27, female. We got to talking with this group of three guys. They were late 20s. One of them was engaged while the other two were single. My friend and I asked all the details about the engaged guy's relationship, how he proposed, and he showed us pics of the fiance, and we agreed she is hot. We were all talking about dating, our dating history, and I said, I've been chronically single in quotes, never had a long term relationship. The engaged guy said, really? Besides my fiance, you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. That's a quote.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I thought that if I were his fiance in this situation and heard that comment, it would bother me. However, he had been very forthcoming about being engaged and it didn't come across as flirting at all. So on behalf of his fiance, is this a red flag, deal breaker or nothing? If your fiance tells another woman she's the prettiest girl he' ever seen, except for you. A who would prefer attention from an eligible bachelor? So what do you think, Jordana? Red flagger deal breaker?

[B]

I think this is okay. He said, except for me. If I'm his. If I'm. Because I'm answering as the fiance. He said, except for me. He's showing everyone pictures of me. He's not trying to hide me. He's very, very. He's being, you know, I think, like, here's the thing. I think it's okay to go out and be a little flirty and as long as you're not, like, taking it too far. I don't think this is too far. I think it's a little flirty, but I'm involved in the situation.

[A]

Well, you don't think he could have chosen his words a little differently.

[B]

I agree. I wouldn't be the boy. I wouldn't have loved. Like, the phrasing of it.

[A]

He could have just said, you've never had a boyfriend. You're very pretty. Like, that would have Been enough.

[B]

That's true. That's true. Yeah. I don't think he needs to call her the prettiest girl he's ever seen.

[A]

Ever seen, first of all.

[B]

Besides me. Besides.

[A]

Right, besides you. It's a lie. It's too much to say anyone's the prettiest girl they've ever seen. I think if you're always. If you're saying that, you're lying. Of course it's always a lot.

[B]

It's flirty. Flirting is. Yes, it's flirty. I agree. It's flirty. I guess it wouldn't be my favorite, but again, it's the besides me thing. Like, is that the end of it? That's the whole thing.

[A]

It just, it's just so weird to say it that way.

[B]

Yeah, that is true. I'm trying to think if I was, if I was out with my two single friends and we were talking to two men and this guy says I'm chronically single. Which a guy would never say.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And. And I said, really? You're the hottest guy I've ever seen. Besides my fiance. If you're my fiance, would you be offended?

[A]

Yeah, I think, I think I would. Unless. Unless they were an actual. Like, everyone would have to go, that's true.

[B]

They would have to be a model. Right. Where they actually are the hottest person you've ever seen.

[A]

Right. I don't, not, no offense to, to the emailer. They're not really sounding like a supermodel. Like, I like, I like when you write, I'm chronically single and I've never had a long term relationship. The hottest person you've ever seen doesn't write that email. Okay, I agree.

[B]

If she was a model, it might be okay, though.

[A]

Hey, I'm a supermodel and I'm at the bar. Would you be mad? I. But even then, that's a lie about your wife. Like, why would you even do things in that context?

[B]

Yeah, I guess it's a red flag.

[A]

Then it would make more sense to be like, oh, you're like. But you're like a model. Because then it would be like you've made.

[B]

Right. An action not making about him.

[A]

Well, you'd. You'd have. It would be debatable. Prettiest girl I've ever seen. Besides, my wife is not. No one can argue that. If he was like, you've never had a boyfriend. You're like a. You're like a model. Hey, guys, don't you think she's like a model? Like, she could model. She could do catalog work. She could do catalogs.

[B]

Part time catalog work.

[A]

Right. But I'm saying, like, then everyone will go, yes. Oh my God. Yeah. No, no. You're like, you've never had a boy. Like, it would be a. Like, I think to me when a guy does this, it's him being like, I'm married. But if you are now gonna make a move at me, I have given you kind of all the information you need to try and make me cheat on my wife.

[B]

Oh, wow. That's a lot more nefarious than I've. Than I anticipated.

[A]

Right. This is. And, and this is a guy move. You. Because women don't kind of come at men. And again, I'm going deeper than maybe the game would people. You. I could be accused of. Jared, you're making this into. I'm just saying this is a move in its most extreme way.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, except for my wife, who is sleeping right now and wouldn't know if you were okay with a guy. You. Behind his wife's back. Like, and. Because then it becomes her choice. He's. He's offering an opt in situation with this type of flirt. If he had said, you're beautiful. That's crazy. You've never had a boyfriend. That's like a normal way to say it. That. That is not even a flirt. That is two people being nice. That is someone who's out at a bar and in conversation says it when you say, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Except for this woman at home who I'm contractually obligated to. So if you try to me just know that I'm not gonna end it with my wife. But like, you know, that's your choice,

[B]

but still do it. Okay. See, this is why you do what you do. Because like, I think at. For. I don't think my mind went there because as a woman, that's just not something that I would be saying. But you're saying like the. That he's almost using this engagement as a way to like disarm himself and like, protect his own ego.

[A]

It's her fault. This is how men.

[B]

Men are just.

[A]

This is how men cheat at work. They go, oh, I have a beautiful wife and kids. And boy, you look gorgeous today. But you know, my wife and kids. My wife and kids. My wife and kids. Boy, we should get drinks though. You know, like, it's. It's a little like, I'm giving you how this can happen right you're going

[B]

to have to make the move. And I'd be. And I. And I'm giving you by signs. Yeah.

[A]

This is how people hook up at work. Even when they're not cheating. They're flirty enough until. And we. We have women writing about this all the time. Be flirty enough that you get the woman to make the. Opt in. Never opt in. If. If you want. If you don't want to have to dump someone, don't opt in it. That's the male rule.

[B]

Because then they've pursued you, you're saying.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You still might have to dump them, though.

[A]

Yeah, but. But I. Now I have a good reason. Hey, I just never saw this, you know, I. I wasn't looking for a relationship. You. You know.

[B]

Right. You didn't pursue anyone. Wow. You men are. Are really disgusting.

[A]

I'm sorry. This is why people hate me on this show. I'm too real.

[B]

No, I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I love it.

[A]

All right, let's do another.

[B]

All right. So is it. It's a deal breaker for you.

[A]

It's a deal breaker for me. I, I can't understand using that language in any context where it's not.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Troublesome.

[B]

Okay. You might have convinced me that, well,

[A]

okay, let's say it's not to cheat that night, but it's to. I'm about to dump my wife. So now when I ended, I got someone waiting for me that knows I think they're the most beautiful woman ever in the world. Except for my wife, who I just dumped and I can't stand her. So let me go to. I'm just saying he's setting himself up.

[B]

Right. Okay.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I, I. You've, You've, you've, You've convinced me. Sorry, I'm changing to your side.

[A]

Deal breaker. I'm ending my marriage.

[B]

Deal breaker two now.

[A]

All right, go for it.

[B]

Okay. Hey. J and Jay and Ronnie, the twins, Emily and Mike. Ronnie starts Ronnie, the twins, Emily and Mike.

[A]

The whole gang. Okay.

[B]

Yes. The whole crew. I'm writing in from Singapore with a red flagger deal breaker situation that is genuinely driving me insane. I'm 27, female, five three, 103 pounds. LOL.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Only the thin people are writing in with their height and weight.

[A]

Okay. Jordana, you can find at Jordana Abraham. You can write all your complaints to her. I don't see. I don't see thin.

[B]

Okay, you said that about the guy who wrote it.

[A]

All right? He was a bean pole. But she should write in A she didn't give us the height and weight of the guy she's been dating.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Let us know his height.

[A]

Right? We want to really paint a picture.

[B]

I've been dating this guy, 28, male, for about three months. Honestly, everything about him has been amazing in a dream, except for one thing. He refuses to wear deodorant. Normally, I wouldn't care if he just naturally didn't smell, but his armpits genuinely smell stink whenever he raises his arms. It's so bad that when I'm in the car, scrolling on my phone, I. I can tell when he raises his arms without looking up, simply from the smell wafting into my nostrils. I brought it up multiple times, gently and directly, and I even offered to buy him deodorant. Every single time, he refuses and says things like, deodorants cause cancer or they mess with your hormones. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I have brought up buying deodorant as a joke. And just yesterday he reminded me, no deodorants for my birthday. Genuinely don't know what to do because everything else about him is great, but the smell is becoming impossible to ignore. Love an exhausted with functioning nostrils. Singapore. You're not wearing deodorant in Singapore. It's like the hottest place.

[A]

Is it on?

[B]

It's so hot in Singapore. I mean, I haven't been, but that's what I've heard.

[A]

You've heard? That's. That's what you've heard about Singapore?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Isn't it the place where you get, like, arrested for if you spit gum out?

[B]

Maybe that too, but. Okay. Today it's 86 degrees there.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

That's 100%. It's. It's okay. Like the month of May. The high is 90 degrees. Every. Every month is extremely hot. It's in the high 80s. The. Is the average temperature is the high 80s for every month.

[A]

Abundant rainfall. V. Let us know. I just look it up. It's a little wet and you're probably getting musty.

[B]

No deodorant there. That's. I mean, that's different than no deodorant. I believe in no deodorant. I live in Alaska. Believe in no deodorant. I live in Iceland.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Even the UK could work. No deodorant in Singapore is a different. No deodorant.

[A]

Yeah, Stinky's got a problem. This guy. My issue is to make it this. I hate any argument when you. When you say deodorants cause cancer, they mess with your hormones. You are taking a very reasonable review and blocking it out by making it a morality play. You're basically not. You're using this shield of cancer and hormones that no one can deny because what am I going to do? Go do a. Go to the lab and test it on 20 people and do a blind study? Like, what? You're just. You're ending the conversation. You still smell. You still putrid. Pete. Yeah.

[B]

What are we doing about Sam?

[A]

What are we gonna do? I. And credit to this person for her bringing it up. He. She's already brought it up. I. I think he's like, is this. To me. This is deal breaker how you argue with me?

[B]

Singapore. Yeah.

[A]

It. To me, this is a greater issue than the. Than him being rank. Like, other than.

[B]

There's no compromise.

[A]

There's no compromise. There's no even listening. Like, you're just.

[B]

Yeah, what do we do?

[A]

Do you gonna bathe every day? You want to bring a change of clothes? Like there's other options.

[B]

Right. Don't even think about getting me deodorant for my birthday.

[A]

Right.

[B]

What said someone? I think I saw a meme or tweet or something that was like, I'd rather like, die earlier not smelling like.

[A]

Right. Right. I mean, but that isn't even gonna change. Okay. If you're worried about the hormones and the cancer, what's the movement?

[B]

What's the solution?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because you smell like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So let's do deal breaker.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

J and J. I'm writing in because there's a cute bone apple tea mistake phrasing called a mallow malaprop. Malapropism that I've noticed regularly used in this show. In the intro Jared does to red flag deal breaker, he says, is it a red flag or is it a deal breaker? And you end it. Sight on scene. The idiom is actually sight unseen used to refer to something you commit to instantly without even seeing it. Like, I bought the condo site unseen, so it's used for a deal breaker. Sort of works because it's a quick judgment. But unseen doesn't make sense because the person has in fact seen the red flag. For a long time, I thought Jared was just saying unseen without really thinking about it. But recently I've realized he's actually saying on scene, which is way more interesting. Sight on scene makes the phrase totally make sense in this context. You see it and decide right there on the scene. This just isn't an established phrasing. It's also possible he's saying sight on seen, but that's Grammatically, that's grammatically less sensical. So let's just call it the other cooler version. Laughing face emoji. How horny are you now, Jordana? This is such a hot conversation. I'm so very turned on. I'm a writing professor who teaches rhetorical grammar, so I find language evolutions like this fascinating. Perhaps sight on scene will be the next chomping at the bit. It was historically champing, but that word is so niche to horses that chomping has now become pretty widely accepted. I hope you read this as the loving, nerdy observation I intended to be. Not a nitpicky record, not a nitpicky critique. You're a language innovator, Jared. So, red flag or deal breaker? Would it be a red flag if I corrected a man on the date for saying this or is it a deal breaker and I should end it? Sight on scene. Sincerely. Wow. I hope this isn't why I'm single sweating emoji. What do you think?

[B]

I like the self deprecating nature of the email. More importantly, what do you think as the person that she is correct?

[A]

I like that they, I like how they wrote it. I was actually they complimented you at the end. Thoroughly interested in the discussion. Like if I was on a date with this person and I said site, how am I saying it now? I'm so confused at how I said it.

[B]

Sight on scene. You're saying basically like you end it with this person sight on scene. Which is basically like, like right now, right on scene.

[A]

The way I'm ending with it right now. Sight on scene. On the scene you see it gone.

[B]

Yeah. Right. The phrase, the phrase is technically sighted unseen. Like you've never seen it. Like you've never seen them before. Which doesn't make as much sense.

[A]

I enjoyed the history lesson.

[B]

Like I bought the house sight, sight unseen.

[A]

Right. And this is, I'm saying sight on scene.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I liked how this person went into it. I like that they hugged me first and then whispered in my ear, so to speak, everything about how they said it here. It was a discussion. It was like, well, if you, if you say it this way, it actually kind of works, you know? And like it wasn't just you. I, I, my deal breaker for me would be laughing at me when I said it and being like, that's how you think it's said. Like doing that to me is a douchebag. Because I do think this is something that people could mess. Like I'm messing it up.

[B]

Yeah. I mean I notoriously didn't know how the difference between how to say woman and woman. Women. I still don't know how that. How to say women and woman. Woman. I don't know.

[A]

Well, you also didn't correct me. It's not like you, you know, this wasn't. Oh, you know, how many times have I said it?

[B]

So, I mean, you're saying on scene, right?

[A]

To you. Yeah, so. But, I mean, I think. But there's a version of this where it's like, Jared, you don't know how to say that. No, I don't. Obviously I don't. I've, I've just done it for months, you know, like, so that would be a deal breaker to me. The way they brought me in and made me feel involved. That is actually a great.

[B]

Having fun with it.

[A]

Yes, I agree.

[B]

And then they're like, oh, your way is even, like, cooler than the way it's, like, meant to be done.

[A]

Right. Even if it ended with your way. Just doesn't work. But, like, it sounds good. Like, that would be okay.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I like it too. I think it's all about the way you say it, especially if it's an early, early on in the dating.

[A]

I, I.

[B]

Would you want them to tell you the f. Would you want them to tell you the first time they said it, or would you want them to, like, wait to see if it's a pass?

[A]

First time.

[B]

Like, let it go. First time.

[A]

I want to. Let's have it out. What did you say? You say sight on. On scene. I'm actually a grammatical philosopher. You know, whatever she is. I'm a professor. I love that. That's a, that's got to be a cool job, like, tracking language and how it changes. Like, I think it takes a lot of empathy to be that type of professor.

[B]

You think it's a cool job? I feel like this is a combination of the two jobs that you hate the most. I hate a professor, which is basically a teacher.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But like, a little higher end more.

[A]

Higher end the same.

[B]

And then a speech pathologist, which sounds kind of like speech pathologist cousin.

[A]

It's, it's weird. Maybe it's like, when two negatives make a positive. This is like, because she seems awesome. I, I, I enjoyed the whole lesson here. She's got to be a great professor.

[B]

Yeah. Where do you teach? We'll come take your class.

[A]

I'm in. So. All right. We saw Dating again, Jordana.

[B]

So proud of us. We'll be back on Friday.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

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