Can You be Engaged for Years without Getting Married?

Summary

Podcast Summary: U Up?

Episode: Can You Be Engaged for Years Without Getting Married?

Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Release Date: August 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "U Up?", Jordana and Jared dive into the modern dilemmas of relationships: long engagements, exes in friend groups, the evolution of social expectations, and what commitment really means in 2026. Through listener questions and their signature playful banter, they explore the nuances of defining commitment, the discomfort of blending past and future, and the pressure to conform to traditional milestones.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Wedding Invitations & Community Impact

• [01:00–04:50]
  Jordana shares a heartfelt wedding invitation from a longtime listener, expressing how much the podcast has helped her personal growth and relationships. Jared reflects on the unexpected but meaningful impact the show has had on listeners' lives.
  • Quote (Jared, 03:12): "These tend to make me misty-eyed… I get a little teary-eyed when I read stuff like this."
• The hosts riff on the fantasy of just showing up, unannounced, at listeners' weddings.
  • The segment is light-hearted and affectionate, celebrating the show’s influence and connection with listeners.

2. Weddings, TLC, and Social Judgments

• [04:21–07:30]
  • Discussion on Four Weddings (TLC show) and Americans' tendency to judge weddings and lifestyles, with affectionate jabs at TLC as a "window into real homes."
  • Quote (Jared, 05:14): "The show was great because you’d see women judging other women’s weddings, which we already do."
  • Analogies tying TLC’s “slice of life” to the voyeuristic aspect of modern dating and relationships.

3. Seasonal Dating Strategies & Personal Preferences

• [07:47–10:23]
  • The hosts banter about seasonal dating (“collecting numbers for the fall”) and their favorite months.
  • Light discussion on how aging shifts seasonal preferences ("October is the favorite month of an adult"), layering fashion, and Florida weather.

4. Tasting Menus as Dating Metaphor

• [10:30–16:25]
  • Both hosts discuss tasting menus—pros, cons, and as an analogy for modern dating: surrendering control vs. the illusion of choice.
  • Quote (Jared, 12:22): "Anytime someone asks what you’re looking for, that is putting it on you... They’re a wuss. They’re afraid of having an opinion."
  • Omakase as a third date idea: good test for “chillness” and compatibility, with humor about “bad date behavior.”

5. Men’s Locker Room Talk & Navigating Masculinity

• [16:45–23:34]
  • Jared recounts a story of golfing with a bachelor party, reflecting on “locker room talk,” expectations, and gendered behavior in groups of men.
  • Discussion of how men and women speak differently in single-sex groups, and whether/how to challenge problematic comments in social settings.
  • Quote (Jared, 19:26): "These guys are saying things that... you can’t—disgusting, the most."
  • Honesty about discomfort, social norms, and the gap between “online” and “real world.”

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Main Advice Segment: "Can You Be Engaged for Years Without Getting Married?"

6. Listener Dilemma: Navigating Exes in Friend Groups & Early Relationship Commitment

• [25:19–37:34]
  • Situation: A listener is anxious because her new boyfriend is taking a group trip that includes his ex (of 5 years), with whom he still co-owns an apartment. She’s worried about boundaries, their stage of relationship, and how to proceed.
  • Hosts’ Analysis:
    • Validate her discomfort, but agree it’s too soon (2 months exclusive) to “put her foot down.”
    • Suggest asking clarifying questions: why they broke up, who ended it, the true nature of his relationship with the ex and their mutual friend group.
    • Emphasize the natural transition from “I” to “we” in relationships, where partner supersedes the friend group over time.
    • Quote (Jordana, 36:01): “I think this trip, actually, after this trip your relationship could be more serious or it could be less serious... It’s a nice little test he doesn’t even know he’s taking.”
    • Ultimately: Don’t forbid the trip, but use the experience as a gauge for how the relationship will evolve. Ask questions and observe.

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7. "Petty or Prudent?"

• [39:08–49:32]
  • Listener story: Following a breakup, her ex showed her the engagement ring he bought, telling her, “one day the right guy will give this to you.”
  • Jordana: Labels the act "petty, even manipulative", suggesting it was meant to make her feel bad for ending things.
    • Quote (Jordana, 43:30): “That takes a lot of work... I think it’s like a petty move to be—it’s also done to make her feel bad.”
  • Jared: Attempts to see both sides, wonders if there’s more context, but agrees that the gesture was over-the-top.
  • Joint conclusion: Actions like that reek more of desperation and an attempt to guilt-trip than genuine closure.

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8. Can You Be Engaged and Not Get Married?

• [51:56–55:02]
  • Listener frustration: An “annoying” couple in her life is happily engaged for years without a wedding date, opting to buy property and have children first.
  • Jordana: Understands the reasons; not everyone wants the legal baggage, and social media engagement can serve as its own “commitment device.”
  • Jared: Suggests the irritation might stem as much from the couple’s self-satisfaction online as from their choices (“You’re actually starting to affect us”).
  • Both: Recommend muting people that bother you on social media (Jordana: “The mute button is the greatest thing that has ever been invented”).

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Red Flag or Deal Breaker [Games & Quick Hits]

9. Dating Etiquette Scenarios

• Terrible Kissing on the First Date

  • [56:24–62:15]
  • If someone is a bad kisser but sweet and self-aware, both say: Give it a second chance—especially if he acknowledges the awkwardness and is willing to learn.

• Hinge Prompts Obsessed with Gender Roles

  • [62:22–65:59]
  • If a man writes, “I’m a man who leads; looking for a woman proud of her own life,” is that a red flag?
  • Both agree: Not inherently a problem—this profile is more boring than dangerous. Don’t overinterpret; stay off the internet if you’re getting triggered by “man/woman” talk.

• Wearing a Fanny Pack on a Date

  • [65:59–68:49]
  • One listener is horrified by a date’s fanny pack. Both hosts: A fanny pack is harmless—your “ick” often just means you’re not attracted, not that there’s an actual problem.
  • Quote (Jordana, 67:12): “She’s trying to say she’s looking for a more masculine man...but I’d rather date someone with a fanny pack than a neck tattoo, personally.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Jared on generational changes:
  "June is the favorite month of a child... October is the favorite month of an adult." (08:52)

• Jordana on control and tasting menus:
  "I like a tasting menu because I’m not a picky eater... I feel taken care of. The chef has chosen for me." (11:10)

• On evolving relationships:
  "Any good relationship with him also involves this group of friends being less his friends, weirdly… once a year, twice a month, whatever friends." (Jared, 32:20)

• Jordana on ex’s group trip:
  "I think after this trip, your relationship could be more serious or it could be less serious." (36:01)

• On using the mute button:
  "The mute button is the greatest thing that has ever been invented. I mute 85% of the people." (Jordana, 55:53)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Wedding Note: 01:00–04:50
• Wedding Shows/TLC/Real Life: 04:21–07:30
• Seasonal Dating & Fashion: 07:47–10:23
• Tasting Menu & Choice Fatigue: 10:30–16:25
• Men’s Locker Room Talk: 16:45–23:34
• Main Dilemma: Exes & Group Trip: 25:19–37:34
• Petty or Prudent: The Ring Breakup: 39:08–49:32
• Engaged, Not Married Debate: 51:56–55:02
• Red Flag/Deal Breaker Games: 56:24–68:49 (multiple quick-hits)

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Conclusion

This episode tackles the spectrum of modern commitment—engagements without marriage, breaking up with lingering exes, and the subtle expectations embedded in everything from wedding invitations to Hinge profiles. Jordana and Jared walk listeners through the importance of context, clear communication, and self-awareness—peppered with their candid, relatable humor. Whether it’s not sweating the small stuff (like fanny packs or awkward first kisses), or learning to let go of opinions that don’t serve you (muting on social!), the advice is both pragmatic and empathetic.

Bottom line: Relationships are complicated, and "the rules" keep changing—but supporting your own boundaries, communicating honestly, and maintaining perspective (and humor) remain timeless advice.

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For more:
Follow @u.up.podcast on Instagram or subscribe for bonus episodes at subscribe.betches.com.
Watch full episodes on YouTube.

Transcript

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[Jared Freed]

I always thought that Taylor Swift liked making money as much as she liked making music. Yeah, because the whole thing with like redoing the songs that were already out totally is like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Only it's not an artistic endeavor.

[Jared Freed]

Right. It's only to someone over.

[Jordana Abraham]

As I've said many times. Hello and welcome back to the UF podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

[Jared Freed]

And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordan. How are you? What's the haps?

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm great. I'm feeling really proud of myself.

[Jared Freed]

Proud of yourself and you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Proud of you too. And proud of the show because we have received yet another wedding invitation.

[Jared Freed]

A wedding invitation. Look at. Did they handwritten?

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I mean, this is the invitation.

[Jared Freed]

Let me see the. Can I see the invitation while you read the note? Beautiful invitation. So is this a save the date? No, this is the invitation. Oh, sorry. I just got very judgy paperless post. No, that's beautiful. Yeah, no, it's a great looking.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, it's been crumbled in my bag for it, so I'm sure he's lost a little.

[Jared Freed]

She doesn't have the allure. Didn't come in the. I didn't get to do the envelope open with a dove coming out. Amazing. So it's. It's going to be in September. This is September wedding and it's going to be. I mean, it looks like it's going to be one of those fall love. It's got. It's got a vibe.

[Jordana Abraham]

Crisp air.

[Jared Freed]

Crisp air. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay, well, let me read the note.

[Jared Freed]

Please read the note. I'm. I'm. I'm excited to hear it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Dear J and J. My name is Jade, so another J, if you will.

[Jared Freed]

Jj. J and J. J and J and

[Jordana Abraham]

J. I am an OG fan of you guys and you have helped me through such tough times in my life and made me a better buyer, to say the least. Jordana, you have made me feel so validated in my Shitty dating experiences and helped grow my confidence to leave toxic relationships. Oh, I love that. Jared, you'll be okay.

[Jared Freed]

Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I'm just kidding.

[Jared Freed]

Mel Robbins is getting married.

[Jordana Abraham]

Jared Ruffle.

[Jared Freed]

Her open relationship allows marriages.

[Jordana Abraham]

Jared, you have helped me understand a guy's perspective with how it's just not that personal but also can be at the same time.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, it's kind of complicated. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I also saw you when you came to Syracuse in 2023 with my now fiance, which we died laughing.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Of course.

[Jared Freed]

Of course. Thank you.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Of course.

[Jordana Abraham]

I am a mental health therapist. Sorry, Jared. Haha. Do you hate therapists too?

[Jared Freed]

I don't know. We'll see. How does the rest of this letter go?

[Jordana Abraham]

And I recommend your podcast to all of my clients struggling and dating and or just wanting a good laugh. I love that you guys are such a highlight to my weeks. So thank you for the. For the joy and understanding you bring to the world. I'd be honored if you too can make it to our wedding in September. You can share this on the pod if it makes it to you.

[Jared Freed]

I'm happy you read these. These tend to make me misty eyed. I get a little teary eyed when I read stuff like this.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is very why we do what we do.

[Jared Freed]

This. It isn't why we do what we do.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is a nice. This is a nice afterthought.

[Jared Freed]

Right? I don't want to do what we do. This is. We do what we. To entertain, to have fun, you know, to laugh and, and, and make a living. Yeah, but you know, and that as a product of that make a living. But I. When you see hear this, you're like oh my God. This. Like if it would be. If I was like that we do this so that we can save the young women across. I don't why we set out to do we. No, that wasn't the goal. This is an amazing. What an amazing.

[Jordana Abraham]

And she's recommending us to her clothes clients.

[Jared Freed]

I love that. Oh my God. Well, we wish you the best of luck. What if we showed up at these weddings? What if we came eventually?

[Jordana Abraham]

We will go to one.

[Jared Freed]

I think we got to show up. We. We stand in the back. It wouldn't it be funny if you're getting married and all of a sudden you look at the back of the church and it's just us with sunglasses on, taking notes, looking at you just like give a thumbs up. Like how great would that be?

[Jordana Abraham]

That would be.

[Jared Freed]

Who are you where her podcast.

[Jordana Abraham]

You ever see those? Do you ever see those like what are the. What's the channel called? I forget where, like, they go to, like, weddings. They rate the weddings.

[Jared Freed]

Oh, my God. One of my favorite shows was.

[Jordana Abraham]

What was it called?

[Jared Freed]

You ever see the. What, the show where they had the four Weddings.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. And then they, like, there's a winner at the end.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, that was one of my f. I love that show. That show.

[Jordana Abraham]

You could have been one of the judges.

[Jared Freed]

I would have died to have been on that. Well, no, they would ra.

[Jordana Abraham]

What was the concept?

[Jared Freed]

The concept was they would go to the. The. It would be four women who either knew or didn't know each other, and they would go to each other's weddings, and then ra.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, the women go to each other.

[Jared Freed]

Yes. And then they would rate who did best, you know, 1 to 10 on all these different categories. And the categories, they didn't know how they got added up to create a winner and a loser. And then the winner got like, a. A. Like a honeymoon.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

And I just. I. The show was great because you'd see,

[Jordana Abraham]

like, women judging other women's weddings, which we already do.

[Jared Freed]

Beautiful, right? It was just like, having it out. It just. Was it called Four Weddings?

[Jordana Abraham]

What's the channel?

[Jared Freed]

It was on tlc. I mean, that would be the station to have that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, how would you describe tlc?

[Jared Freed]

Oh, I. I think that would get me in trouble. I would call it the Americana Channel. Like,

[Jordana Abraham]

Taylor Swift thinks she's Americana.

[Jared Freed]

I know. I would say that TLC is the true Americana. It gives a slice of American life that is kind of like the one that we. Yeah, the. The real story. Like, hey, you know, we go to weddings and we judge each other, and we might try to do a theme that doesn't work. Like, that's just truly American to me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, right, here's a story of someone who eats couch cushions.

[Jared Freed]

Right? And here. And here's a story, you know, this person on your block who eats cows cushion, and someone that, you know that, like, tries to date someone. Someone abroad, and you're like, I don't think they're even talking to anyone. They're talking to a bot. You know, like, you're just. You're getting a. A version of America that I think that is, like, more real than people want.

[Jordana Abraham]

Want to admit.

[Jared Freed]

Probably want to admit or believe. You know, Like, I mean, it seems what they've done for little people has been amazing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is it.

[Jared Freed]

I would assume that, you know, there's a lot of little people shows on that channel, and you go, okay, normalizing and showing what they go through on a day to day basis. I'm sure people go, you know, the reason people lack empathy is that they don't know someone going through whatever the thing is. And I think, you know, a station like TLC is like, you know, if you're like, oh, what are they eating? Couch cushions. And then you meet that person and

[Jordana Abraham]

you go, oh, this is a real issue.

[Jared Freed]

Oh, my God, I feel lucky I don't eat couch cushions. You know, like, like, I don't know that if you look at it from a very like, sweet angle, like getting the window inside people's homes, that you would kind of just be like, oh, I think that you would talk about.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. But now you get to see the real story. It's a little more intimate.

[Jared Freed]

Right. So no, I. This is amazing. Just like our listeners. Just like our listeners. A window into their homes.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe one day we will go to a wedding. If it is in.

[Jared Freed]

What if we showed up maybe if

[Jordana Abraham]

it's in like the New York City area.

[Jared Freed]

Who are you? I have an invitation. I'm their podcast.

[Jordana Abraham]

And a sweet handwritten note.

[Jared Freed]

That's right.

[Jordana Abraham]

From the bride.

[Jared Freed]

Beautiful.

[Jordana Abraham]

From the bride.

[Jared Freed]

Let us in.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

What an amazing thing. If you have a wedding you want to invite us to, we'll read, read it on the air. It is great to be here. You know, it is. We are in the depths of summer. You know, it's. It's hot, hot, hot August heat. It falls right around the corner. I mean, like, if I was a single person. Right now I'm collecting numbers for the

[Jordana Abraham]

fall to see who's left at the end of the season.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, you kind of like, you catch up with these people. I think, like, not offended by not getting that text and want to watch the game. I'll be out in the fall. We'll catch up in the fall. We're more clothed. Yeah, why not? So also, there's a special coming out, September would love for you to watch. It's called the family Matter of weeks. A matter of weeks. You just set your cue. That's what you got to do. Set it said and forget it. As the great Ron Popeil used to say.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's your favorite month?

[Jared Freed]

You know, I've always. I think October.

[Jordana Abraham]

Interesting.

[Jared Freed]

I think, but that. I think October is the favorite month of an adult.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

Like June is the favorite month of a child.

[Jordana Abraham]

Interesting.

[Jared Freed]

You know, December is the favorite month of like a child who. Like an even younger child.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

I think you age into various. Fall becoming your favorite season, don't you think?

[Jordana Abraham]

I could see that. Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

What's yours?

[Jordana Abraham]

As a 41 year old man, you feel like that's the best month to be.

[Jared Freed]

Well, that is, as a 41 year old man, it's the right weather for my body because I can layer, but I don't need to wear a jacket so I don't look like a marshmallow.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

As a boxy comfortable. Right. As a boxy man, I don't have to wear a jacket that makes me look like a marshmallow. I can wear like an overshirt, you know, pants.

[Jordana Abraham]

If you didn't live in Florida, is that. Are you sad about the fact that you live in Florida in October?

[Jared Freed]

Florida, October is maybe the best time of the year, I would say.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

I would say Florida, October, November, and then Mar. March and April are like peak weather.

[Jordana Abraham]

March and April, great.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. So, like, it is.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're not going to wear your fall fleece in Florida.

[Jared Freed]

No, but I'll wear jeans and a tee. You know, I can still jeans it up. I jeans it up in the summer even though it's hot.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, look at us.

[Jared Freed]

We're. We're jeans and right now.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. That's one of those things. Weirdly, I think, you know, I would agree.

[Jordana Abraham]

September, October.

[Jared Freed]

Is that your favorite month?

[Jordana Abraham]

I like September.

[Jared Freed]

Well, that's your birthday month.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's my birthday.

[Jared Freed]

Best birthday. I mean, the greatest day of the year.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I actually do. I think, think my birthday is the. As an adult, not as a child. As an adult. My birthday. Greatest day of the year, right? No, I, I never be on a working Monday. As I've said before.

[Jared Freed]

Listen, these are the important topics we tackle.

[Jordana Abraham]

We do. Yes. We're really helping people.

[Jared Freed]

What do you think of a tasting menu? I went to a tasting menu last night. What do you think of a T menu?

[Jordana Abraham]

Are you, Am I pro or anti?

[Jared Freed]

You know, someone says you, Jordana, I got an opportunity to go to this beautiful restaurant. Not free. This ain't going to be definitely not well with you. I got to make sure. I tell you this isn't.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not comped with.

[Jared Freed]

Not comp.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not comped. I'm not going.

[Jared Freed]

This is a special experience that I'm getting, but I do have to pay. Would you and Mike want to come? Like, what's your thoughts feelings on a tasting?

[Jordana Abraham]

I like a tasting menu and I, I, it's love, hate. I like a tasting menu because I'm not a picky eater.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I don't like making food decisions like if we're ever at a table, I'm never like, I'll do the ordering, right? I'm kind of like, I will eat whatever is put in front of me.

[Jared Freed]

And so you enjoy the journey you're being taken on?

[Jordana Abraham]

I feel taken care of.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

The chef has chosen for me an expert, if you will, has chosen for me.

[Jared Freed]

In a world of. I think this is also speaks to, like, our generation, right. That we want choice taken out of it. We want to be told, this is what you're having and you're going to like it. Chance, take it. Like, that's why when someone gives suggestions of where I should go eat, they're like, what do you. Whenever I'm like, oh, I'm going to. You know, I'm going to Portland, Maine. I'm doing shows in Portland. Or I have already done the shows in Portland. I'm going to Hunting New York. I go, hey, I'm going to Huntington. Where should I eat? What are you looking for? That. That's a person with no opinion.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Anytime someone asks what you're looking for, that is putting it on you, they're putting on you. They're a wuss. They're afraid of having an opinion. They're afraid of being wrong. They're. They are. They're a loser.

[Jordana Abraham]

So if anyone asks you what kind of food you like, Right.

[Jared Freed]

That's a loser. Loser in disguise. Because they want. Well, because then I gotta go. Well, pizza. Ah, there's a lot of great pizza. They never have an answer. The person. That person never answers.

[Jordana Abraham]

You just want a restaurant, and then you want them to stop and.

[Jared Freed]

And you want them to go eat this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

You're gonna love it for these two reasons, and that's. The chef is basically being like you. Here's my art. Love it or hate it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. And then it also makes it easier. It's nice when Mike and I go to a tasting menu situation, we can then judge all the courses because we had no role in picking them.

[Jared Freed]

I'm with.

[Jordana Abraham]

You say what's great? What sucks.

[Jared Freed]

The problem with the tasting menu is the I might leave hungry of it all.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. Depending on the type of food. Sometimes I mean, omakase. We just talked about this. Always leave hungry.

[Jared Freed]

You always leave hung. I just. Omakase. Here's what they should do. A tasting menu. I think they need. There's always like a bread thing, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

No bread.

[Jared Freed]

You don't want bread.

[Jordana Abraham]

They know you get too full too soon, Sometimes you go too hard too soon. And then the last courses which are great. You just don't enjoy.

[Jared Freed]

See, they should do the taste. So this is my fix. The tasting menus. Do the tasting menu and then at the end, bring out a bowl of pasta.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. No, I agree with, I agree with that.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. So don't do bread because I was going to say the bread part. I just did a tasting menu at Indian, which is from Chicago. They moved here. I went with Nemes last night. I trusted Dimash. It was an Indian restaurant. I generally, I think a tasting menu for an Indian restaurant was great.

[Jordana Abraham]

How'd you get, like, a little bit

[Jared Freed]

of food, a little bit of everything. But I tend to overeat. Just generally. And I think at an Indian restaurant, if you overeat, you're really taking a gamble because it's like cream spices. So I end up, like, feeling sick. I, I, well, that's why I have this thing. That's why Indian food usually misses me, because it's not. You can't overeat it. This was the perfect scenario.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. I kind of like that. I think I would, I would be more interested in a tasting menu for foods that are, like, very filling than I think for sushi.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. The sushi omakase, it always underwhelms.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, here's one piece of

[Jared Freed]

sushi, and you're like. And then you eat it in four seconds, and you're like, I can't believe how much of a pig I am. I get a little self conscious. Yeah, bring me more. And then they're like, oh, we got three more to go. And you're like, three?

[Jordana Abraham]

That's it?

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. If I'm invited to a tasting menu, I'm excited for it, but I'm eating a protein bar before. I just wish they would have.

[Jordana Abraham]

Would you do a tasting menu for a date? Dates one through three.

[Jared Freed]

I think day three for a tasting menu. Omakase is a good date.

[Jordana Abraham]

It is.

[Jared Freed]

Because it is a discussable date. Did you like it? Did you not like it? But I think it also, like, reveals kind of how chill you are. Like, if you're like, at the Oma casa and you go, hey, I just, like, have a thing with salmon.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

So can you just take out all the salmon things that you've already decided? We're going to be amazing and wonderful for everyone who walked in here.

[Jordana Abraham]

So you're saying, like, it's a good way to see if someone's a pain in the ass.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's your level? You've said that you've looked, that you're

[Jared Freed]

looking I do like a pain in the ass, but you need to have I like a pain ass with awareness

[Jordana Abraham]

on behalf of you.

[Jared Freed]

Yes. I want a pain in the ass. I want a soldier.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Like I want. I want to. When I was looking. When I'm looking for a lady, it was more guard dog than nibbling at my feet looking for treats.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I see a bad way to describe a woman, maybe. I don't know. It depends who you ask.

[Jared Freed]

I'm just asking the batches. The. The approved or not approved. That's why I come here with my opinion.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Check them through. Batches.

[Jordana Abraham]

I do think that's a good. That's a good third date. You can discuss the things that are coming out. It's a little pricey too.

[Jared Freed]

It's a little pricey. Yeah. You look like a.

[Jordana Abraham]

You earned it by the third date.

[Jared Freed]

And for hookups, omakase. Not a lot of, you know, not a lot of stomach issues. No cream. Yeah, generally. And you can walk out of there feeling light, ready to throw. Throw down some bone, as the boys say.

[Jordana Abraham]

Exactly.

[Jared Freed]

I've never said that.

[Jordana Abraham]

I've never said that.

[Jared Freed]

Throw down some bone.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's good to hear. Nibbling at my feet.

[Jared Freed]

Nibbling. These are all new terms. I'm working on some.

[Jordana Abraham]

Some dog analogies.

[Jared Freed]

My new. My new thing. I went. So I. I thought about you. I thought about your. I thought about Mike's friend.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which friend?

[Jared Freed]

I thought about Mike's friend who's become a friend. A friend of mine.

[Jordana Abraham]

Pete.

[Jared Freed]

Pete.

[Jordana Abraham]

Pete. Hey, Pete.

[Jared Freed]

Good old Pete. Good old dirty Pete.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, my God. We didn't even talk about Pete.

[Jared Freed]

Have we never talked about him and talk about.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, we didn't talk about the text.

[Jared Freed]

He is this guy Pete. Knife share. We. We hadn't met until your wedding. And then over the years, we just share a sensibility, I think. I think he sees a lot of himself through me.

[Jordana Abraham]

How do you feel about that?

[Jared Freed]

And I'm like, a little bit. I'm like, okay, maybe a little bit. Maybe I'm. I'm. Maybe you know Shane Gillis, who's one of the biggest comedians alive.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe he's maybe like you if he. If you didn't have to worry about getting canceled.

[Jared Freed]

Well, I don't hold back. What. I. I think I'm pretty honest. I don't. How many cuts do we make a show? 10? No, no, I. I like. I think Shane Gillis, who. I've known Shane for years. He's. I think he's unbelievable and funny. His power, if you Were like to. Why is he so popular? I think he says what white men would like to say in a way that's socially palatable.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

I think that's his power, and I think that's a pretty unbelievable power, and I think that's why so many of a certain type of dude, like, cheer for him.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

I think your friend Pete probably sees that I can say things for him in a way maybe he's not able to.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right? Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

You know, so I think speak for the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Speak for all men.

[Jared Freed]

I speak for all disgusting.

[Jordana Abraham]

I love you, Pete.

[Jared Freed]

For chubby, disgusting men everywhere. I speak for them, and I say that because we look like brothers.

[Jordana Abraham]

He loves your show in Miami.

[Jared Freed]

He came to my show in Miami. But I. I thought about him because I went. I did show. I did a show in Foxwoods. And then the next day, I asked them if I could golf. And they were like, we can get you on the golf course, which is, like, this amazing golf course at Foxwoods. The guy who built it said he had never been given as much land and money to build a golf course his entire life because it's on the native American reservation. So, like, they had nothing but money and land to give.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

And so they set me up at a. They're like, we got you one. One tee time. And I got entered in with a bachelor party. So it was me and 13 men, and they're, like, on the same.

[Jordana Abraham]

Going hole to hole.

[Jared Freed]

It was four all foursome. So they put me with a group of three from the larger bachelor party.

[Jordana Abraham]

How did you feel about that?

[Jared Freed]

It immediately, the starters, like, this guy's a comedian. They're like, we got a comedian. Ah. And they go, this is gonna be the best day ever. They start cracking beers at 8:40 in the morning. They're smoking blunts.

[Jordana Abraham]

Wow.

[Jared Freed]

And I'm, like, sitting there stone sober, like, yeah, I just want to get my 18, and I'm gonna be on my way. And they're like, it's the show tonight. I was like, it was last night. They're like, oh, my God, we're gonna be laughing all day. I was like, take down your expectations. It won't be that great.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then did you text Pete, I have a friend for you?

[Jared Freed]

Well, these guys were like. Because I thought about Pete, because sometimes he gets a little carried away with his language. I will say these guys. And I thought about this show and, like, dealing with men. And, like, I'm hearing men. These guys are saying things that, like, you can't. Disgusting the most. And they're on a bachelor party, so they're almost like, do each other, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

And I kept thinking of this show and, like, I'm like, I can't believe I'm going to walk into baches. I need to take a shower before I go in there. And I do get like, you know,

[Jordana Abraham]

do you ever speak up for us batches?

[Jared Freed]

It's. It's funny. I was thinking about that. I was like, hey, I know a

[Jordana Abraham]

lot of great women that someone's daughter.

[Jared Freed]

Right. It is funny because I, you know, in these scenarios of, like, where, you know, this, like, locker room talk idea, and I'm like, hearing what they're saying, and I'm like, I wouldn't go that far. You don't do a lot of.

[Jordana Abraham]

Are you giving any commentary while they're like, are you just kind of.

[Jared Freed]

I'm just kind of listening. And I think it's funny. Like, you know, you're thinking, like, would I do. Would I be friends? These guys were also very nice.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

And they. I'm like, I'm sure to.

[Jordana Abraham]

Would.

[Jared Freed]

It would surprise people how they're speaking in front of me. But I was like, it's this thing of, like, I don't know where men go, you know, like, I, I. Because then they. I don't know. I'm being careful here because I'm like, I didn't like a lot of the things they said, but I also understood how it would happen.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

I feel that way they talk about sex and, you know, do you feel that way around women?

[Jordana Abraham]

That way around women? Sometimes.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

There's a way we speak sometimes when men aren't around.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

A little different than I would act around. Around a husband or men.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And you don't do the. Hey, just like you're saying, you kind of just go, okay, that's when we're gonna, like, pass over. I. I don't know. In this. We live on the Internet, and in the real world, some of these people probably only live in the real world.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

And never get, you know, aired out to the public.

[Jordana Abraham]

It depends how intense the thing is. That's. That's being said. But, you know, sometimes it's funny.

[Jared Freed]

I know. You know, it's like the difference between, like, I smell gas and should I report it?

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that's the thing with, with, with Pete. I love you. Pete is. He'll say, like, crazy. And, like, would I ever, like, do I agree with it? But, like, is it funny? Is that, like, wrong to laugh maybe.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And if Pete got married, I Don't think you would like or was got serious with a woman. I don't think you'd pull her aside. I mean, this, this might be pulling a version of pulling her aside. Yeah, but I don't think you'd pull her aside, be like, hey, there's a few things you got to know about this guy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, she would know. Maybe, maybe.

[Jared Freed]

I don't know. I, I was thinking about these guys.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, if you. Do you think. Can you imagine a world where you would hear Mike saying that?

[Jared Freed]

No, not at all. Yeah, no, I, I, but I, but here's the thing. I could imagine a world where Mike was with someone saying that kind of smirk and then move on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

And I don't know, maybe I'm like living too much on the Internet right now, as I currently speak to you. And I, I don't like that about myself in this current phase of sitting on my phone. But you know, I'm like, would someone come after Mike for not speaking up? Do you know what I mean? Have we gone that far down the, down the, the gotcha hole? You know?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Because I was thinking about that with these guys. I was like, everything they say or

[Jordana Abraham]

even for being, for being around those people.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And I'm like, like, I'm not gonna like stop golfing because he's talking about his wife in a way that I was like, oh, you know, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Like, I don't know what to say, but I know he's joking. He could go, I'm joking. And I'll be like, yeah, it's a bad joke.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right? Yeah. I mean, you're not really close enough with him or anything or you're not going to change him.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I mean, these were random dudes I was playing golf with. They were. And again, like cared about each other, you know. Right. They had this like, like I could see the friendship.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I mean, you know, they're beating, they're out there beating the male loneliness epidemic.

[Jared Freed]

They were doing it. Well, sorry to go on and on. Let's, let's do the show.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is who's lonely.

[Jared Freed]

I not lonely enough.

[Jordana Abraham]

I have to say, I am a huge jeans and a T shirt girl. That is my staple. That's my go to. But it is hard to find great staple white tops that are form fitting, that are comfortable, that look really like nice and high end. That's why I love what skims is doing. You can see me on many episodes wearing their cotton jersey black T shirts or the white cotton rib T shirts. Honestly, like, it is Huge in my rotation. I wear one almost every day. I'm also really picky about T shirts because I hate when they stretch out or they lose their shape. But skims the cotton jersey T shirt, it's honestly the best fit I found. It hugs all the right places and still feels soft and comfortable. It has really is the perfect balance of fitted and stretchy without ever feeling tight. I can't say enough good things about Skims T shirts. Shop skims, cotton and all of my favorite [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Jordana Abraham]

All right, let's get into our show.

[Jared Freed]

I like this email.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, it's a good.

[Jared Freed]

This is a tough one. This is again on the the Nuance conversation we're having here. If you're. If you're listening, I'm in Huntington, Long Island. I'm gonna do a show there. I would love for you to come. Maybe Pete. We'll have him out up from.

[Jordana Abraham]

He's in Miami now.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, a Florida man.

[Jordana Abraham]

You guys can all stay.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, we'll stay at the house. And the specials, the special, please go watch it. You'll enjoy it for your friends and families. Share, share, share, share, share.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay, let's do it. Hey, J and J. Feather. Feather. Love the podcast. I've been a listener and a subscriber for a while now. I've got a weird although maybe not situation I want to get your take on and to understand whether or not I'm being unreasonable or too reasonable here.

[Jared Freed]

The. The dreaded too reasonable.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe we should play a game called Unreasonable or Too Reasonable.

[Jared Freed]

I think it's a great game, right? I think it's a great idea because this is a scenario where you could

[Jordana Abraham]

convince yourself either way.

[Jared Freed]

Absolutely, yes. Like I. I don't want to be a pushover, but I also don't want to be a crazy asshole.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right is like, I don't want to be naive.

[Jared Freed]

Right. Is this going to set me up? I think when you're saying you're too reasonable, you're like, will this set me up for a bad future? It's not even like today.

[Jordana Abraham]

Or am I being like taken for a ride here?

[Jared Freed]

Right, right. Because right now I'm. If this goes whatever the way it goes, yeah, that's fine. But will this be the reason that I look back on that? I'm like, man, I could have seen it there, could have seen it there. That's kind of where that hindsight is 20 20.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right? All right, well, reasonable, unreasonable or too reasonable? Our new game Submit your scenario with your significant other, or we call it

[Jared Freed]

hindsight 2020 and you look back on a relationship. Was there a scenario you should have seen as the breaking? Should you have broken?

[Jordana Abraham]

Should you have been more unreasonable?

[Jared Freed]

Right. I think that's a good game.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. Submit your uupetches.com Yes, I started dating a guy a couple of months ago. We're exclusive and see each other a couple times a week. Him and his ex broke up about six months ago, but are still intertwined. They own an apartment together that they're planning on selling at the end of the year and have some similar friendship groups so they'll continue to be in each other's lives. This part is important. He's going on a group friend trip in about a month's time. His ex is going to be on the trip and there's about 10 of them going on this trip. Me joining isn't an option as I'm on a girls trip on the same dates. Also possibly important, his ex's birthday is happening on the trip, but it wasn't a trip planned for her birthday. This is also the last of his pto, so him and I won't be able to go on a holiday until next year. I don't really know how to go about dealing with this. It doesn't feel appropriate to ask him not to go. He's already paid for the flight, flights and accommodation and they're his friends too. But I still feel extremely uncomfortable about the whole situation and feel as though him and I can't move into the next stage of our relationship until this trip is over and they've at least got the apartment on the market. I've told him how I feel about it, but I've never met his ex, although I imagine this will happen at some point in some sort of group hang. I have however, met some of his friends and A couple of his friends that will be on the holiday. Do I just have to leave this and sit in the discomfort of this and realistically chalk it up to a small inconvenience in what I think could be a long term relationship? Or do I put my foot down and ask him not to go, given the discomfort I feel? Thanks. No holiday left for your new girlfriend. So we followed up with some clarifying questions to get like ages and everything like that. So the ages of her and her boyfriend. She's 30, he's 35. They're in west, they're in London, they're off to Croatia and she's off to the south of fra. How. And they were together for five years.

[Jared Freed]

So fra.

[Jordana Abraham]

So he was together with this person from when he was 30 to when he was 35.

[Jared Freed]

What do you think? This is one of those. I, I, I read this and I was like, it's so funny. This is like one of those predicaments that I don't think a boomer would understand. Like if you think of the age and kind of, you know, being single, 35, still dating around, still feeling young, still going on trips with friends.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Pto. Like my parents would have would be like different language. It's a totally different language. And I, that's why I enjoyed this email because it's so much about the timing and where we are as a world, you know, like, because this girl also having her own girls trip, going to south of France. Like my parents would be like, who goes to the south of France at 30, you know, like they're in London. I know a little bit different. But I'm saying like even we see people going to Europe, you know, every now and again. Or, but like having a summer trip planned with friends in your 30s, that's something you do and you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You go, I gotta plan my life, I gotta go again. I'm not waiting until my honeymoon is is the swan song of so many millennials who are single. Right. So the idea of this, how this happens is like funny that to us, not surprising at all. This is a problem.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

To maybe someone older, they go, you like. I just keep imagining my mom hearing this email, you're going to France. Look at what you guys are doing. Like, you know, I'm just, maybe I'm at the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well ask your mom.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Maybe I'm at the retirement community a little too much.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I do think this is like this one, I think could go either way. Yeah, I think it would Be reasonable for him to say, I'm not gonna go on this trip. I think it would also be reasonable for him to say, already booked this trip and there's nothing going on there. And I just met you a few weeks ago. Two months. Right. Like eight weeks ago. So I'm not going to yet cancel the trip. So I don't think it's, like, so obvious that he shouldn't go or he should go. I would like to know a few more things, Clara. Clarifying questions of my own.

[Jared Freed]

So if you were her, you'd go with this list of questions?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. I'd like to know what happened. Why did you guys break up?

[Jared Freed]

Who broke up with who?

[Jordana Abraham]

Who broke up with who? When you bought this apartment together, I assume you would only buy property with someone that you really thought you were going to be with, like, forever. So, like, what happened here? What's the nature of your relationship? Like, when you're in. When you're hanging out with your group of friends?

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, are you talking the whole time? Do you kind of say hello and then that's it? You go your separate ways? Like, do you think she still has, like, a feeling for you? Is it. Has. How hard was it to get over this breakup?

[Jared Freed]

Right. What's the dynamic like now that you are broken up? Is it uncomfortable? Are you. Are you kind of like, you know. And the thing she really can't say and the thing I want still hook

[Jordana Abraham]

up with her is really what she. Right.

[Jared Freed]

Well, that. She. She. I mean, she could ask that, but he won't. He's going to say no. He's going to say no. I. It. It is funny to take a step back. You want him. The. The what. What you need to happen over the course of their relationship is for these friends to not be as important.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. It will happen naturally.

[Jared Freed]

But I'm saying any good relationship with him also involves this group of friends being less his friends, weirdly still his

[Jordana Abraham]

friends, but less of the main characters in his life.

[Jared Freed]

Totally. Because that. But that's the thing with any relationship, is that we get together and we form this team that becomes the central hub. And these people fall by the wayside and become, once a year, twice a month, whatever, friends. And then it's like kind of a dirty thing to admit.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, that's the hard part about being single when all your friends are in relationships.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is you're kind of like, okay, everyone, I'm now not the main character.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I'm not part of the. You know, I'm not the Friends.

[Jordana Abraham]

I guess it's just me.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, I'm Gunther.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

You know, like, I. And. But it is. And she can't say that. Like, you can't be like, it's okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

You'll lose these friends.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

One day.

[Jared Freed]

These happening two months. Right. But that's the thing. Like, if it goes well between them, this group becomes a fading memory. And, oh, we gotta go hang out with them once a year. Oh, you know, who's. Who having a baby. We're gonna go to the first birthday party or whatever it is. And this ex girlfriend will even more fall by the wayside. Like, she's not even going to be a part of this. And I'm. I'm bringing this up because, like, you know, that either happens quickly or slowly. If it happened quickly is which she would kind of want him to be like, you know what? Screw money, who cares? These aren't this girl. I can't be around her anymore. I'm going to switch up as much as I can to make this trip about you. But, like, even if he did that, you wouldn't want that. You wouldn't want to feel responsible for him switching up his life that quickly. You might be even turned off by that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freed]

Like, he. Oh, he. All of a sudden, he's so into me, has his friends matter so little to him that he's just not. I. I have this with, you know, me being in a new relationship. There's a lot of points where I go, am I doing the things I'm doing because I don't care about the relationship, or am I needing to go through those things to realize how much I do care about the relationship and that makes it right?

[Jordana Abraham]

So that you're saying this trip is a little bit of that for him,

[Jared Freed]

A little bit of that? Because I was thinking, like, you know, this past week I had some travel, you know, changes. And there was a point Sunday where I could have gone down to Emily's, stayed with her, then come back to New York, done these episodes. And I was like, well, I can just stay here, you know, I'll just stay at a hotel and I'll. And then like this week, I've kind of, like, regretted that a little bit.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, I felt like, you should have gone.

[Jared Freed]

I should have gone down, spent the night with her and had some time. And I didn't do that because I. And I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, why didn't I just go down? Like, I can't believe I made the decision. I. The route I Went. But I'm trying to be easier on myself because I. I do regret not

[Jordana Abraham]

going down well also now, you know, like, next time you'll do it differently.

[Jared Freed]

Right. Well, that, that's kind of the point is like, I'm trying to, like, transition and a little bit quickly, I would think, from single guy life, operating on my own and driving my own speedboat to like a little bit of a, you know, a bigger boat.

[Jordana Abraham]

We.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

As if you will.

[Jared Freed]

Totally.

[Jordana Abraham]

So we now.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

And this guy is sort of in between I and we. Right.

[Jared Freed]

He's not. We're on. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Two months.

[Jared Freed]

It's early.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. She doesn't even say my boyfriend. She says we're exclusive.

[Jared Freed]

Right. So she's got to let this go. I understand it's uncomfortable.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I think this trip, actually, I think after this trip, your relationship could be more serious or it could be less serious if he, you know, had such a great time on this trip without you, didn't think about you at all. That's also something.

[Jared Freed]

Right. Beware of vacations. As we write on this in the middle here, if you're watching on YouTube, beware of holidays isn't to be afraid of holidays, is just be aware.

[Jordana Abraham]

Be aware of events that make some. That make someone think about if they are as into you as they thought they were.

[Jared Freed]

Right. That's why we say the beware of birthdays, because you do have to have a passing thought of, like, where your life is, where what you're going to come back to.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

You know, so this vacation isn't a test and it's for both of you. You're gonna go on your girls trip. Are you thinking about him? Do you wish he was there? Do you want to tell him stories? Are there things you wish you could relate to him from the trip? Is he doing that with you? There's a chance you might be turned off by this person by the end of this trip. Maybe it's a thing that makes you think differently of them.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think it's a good, nice little test he doesn't even know he's taking.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's always fun. But yeah, I wouldn't tell. I mean, with the ex girlfriend part of it, like, again, I think that all has, has, has. I wouldn't, like, tell him he can't go, but I would, I would ask more questions about the relationship and how it went. And then afterwards, I would ask a lot more questions about how it went with her.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

What was it like?

[Jared Freed]

Right. Don't be afraid of her. Yeah, she's part of the story.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I would get just get like all the details about the interpersonal dynamics of their relationship and how it ended.

[Jared Freed]

Let's do a petty or this guy's

[Jordana Abraham]

gonna have to pay in one way or another.

[Jared Freed]

I pray for you buddy.

[Jordana Abraham]

I have to say I am a huge jeans and a T shirt girl. That is my staple. That's my go to. But it is hard to find great staple white tops that are form fitting, that are comfortable, that look really like nice and high end. That's why I love what skims is doing. You can see me on many episodes wearing their cotton jersey black T shirts or the white cotton rib T shirts. Honestly like it is huge in my rotation. I wear one almost every day. I'm also really picky about T shirts because I hate when they stretch out or they lose their shape. But skims the cotton jersey T shirt, it's honestly the best fit I've found. It hugs all the right places and still feels soft and comfortable. It has really is the perfect balance of fitted and stretchy without ever feeling tight. I can't say enough good things about skims T shirts. Shop skims, cotton and all of my favorite [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You know those tiny back to school emergencies that somehow become your problem. That's why I love Uber Eats. You can order school supplies, snacks and lunchbox essentials for $5 or less. So when your kid casually drops I don't like peanut butter anymore or I need five green highlighters for a project due tomorrow. Uber Eats has you covered. Get everything you need for back to school today from your favorite brands like Aldi and Staples on Uber eats. Order now ends 97. $5 or less before taxes and fees. Fees select items only. Availability varies. See app for details.

[Jared Freed]

Uupetches.com keep sending in this is a petty or prudent. It is you end one thing happens. Is it was that person being petty or were they being prudent?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. Did it need to happen?

[Jared Freed]

Dear Jordana and Jared, love listening in each week. It's like sitting down with two older siblings. How much? Okay, easy there and having a funny conversation. I get to listen in on I have a petty or prudent for you. I, 31, female, broke up with my boyfriend 32 of 3 3ish years in the spring. It was painful and emotional as breakups are. We Hugged and we cried a lot during the conversation. Towards the end, he suddenly sat up, said, I don't want to make this weird. But as a friend, paused for a long time, then left the room, he came back holding a ring box. I immediately broke down into tears while he sat next to me, opened the box and set it next to me on the couch, saying, one day the right guy will give this to you. A little, little dramatic.

[Jordana Abraham]

It would be so hard not to laugh if I were her in this scenario.

[Jared Freed]

Well, the ring was gorgeous, but it felt so unnecessarily cruel to me. It doesn't sound like she found it funny.

[Jordana Abraham]

One day the right guy will give this to you.

[Jared Freed]

We'll give you this. Well, I guess. Yeah, I don't think it's this ring that. That was.

[Jordana Abraham]

The right guy can buy this for me and I can get my money back for the ring that.

[Jared Freed]

Hey, it is. It's as if he was on a soap opera.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

To do that.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's crazy.

[Jared Freed]

For background on a relationship, this was our second attempt. We dated for a year and a half before I broke up with him for a whole host of things that we don't need to get into. When we were apart for a year, he did a lot of self discovery and learning, so we rekindled things a year plus later. December 2024. I felt hopeful that it would be different and it was a totally different relationship. At first I felt really happy and excited. However, there was always doubt in my mind the way he was and things he had said to me in the past were hard to forget. February 2025, he brought up engagement. He wanted it to be that summer. I told him I wanted to wait until at least 2026, since we were essentially starting over. We did look at ring styles on Pinterest once in the summer, but never tried anything on or discussed final plans. Fall of 2025, the doubts got bigger in my head and I was vocal about the things that were bothering me. In October, I told him I wasn't ready to get engaged anytime soon and that we needed to really live together before I felt ready. We were long distance and he was supposed to move to my city in the fall, but hadn't. Though we did spend most weekends together, he wasn't happy with that conversation. And one thing I remember clearly was him saying, but everyone is expecting us to get engaged. From then on to January, we had many hard conversations about the relationship. And then came the breakup where he showed me the ring, which I found out later was a whole Size too small.

[Jordana Abraham]

How did you find that out, I wonder?

[Jared Freed]

She gave it a shot, tried it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let me get this assessed and then I'll tell you if we're still broken up.

[Jared Freed]

Right. Let me give. So what do you think? Petty or prudent? Also, shouldn't the engagement plans and ring style be a team decision? With many conversations where we are on the same page, him doing it all undercover felt very old fashioned to me. He is a listener of the podcast or was when we dated. So it's possible he hears this best right ring, wrong guy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

What do you think?

[Jordana Abraham]

I do feel like there's something a little manipulative about this ring thing.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

It almost feels like how a woman might use sex to manipulate a man. Like the way that he's trying to use this ring to like manipulate her. Continuing to date him is kind of how I read it.

[Jared Freed]

Well, when it. So you're saying he's like, what?

[Jordana Abraham]

I already got like the ring. Like, do you want to see the ring I was gonna give to you?

[Jared Freed]

It's almost like, well, I guess he's doing the. Now that it's over, here's what you missed out on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

And because she's come back before, maybe this is what draws like, so, you

[Jordana Abraham]

know, I am really serious, which wasn't her issue. And I think there's a thing for men where it's like, all women want is to just be engaged. And I was going to give that to her.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think it's petty to show her the ring and also to say as a friend. Hold on, you're not friends. You literally were in a relationship 30 seconds ago.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Not friends.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're not friends.

[Jared Freed]

That takes a lot of work.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think it's like a petty move to be. It's also done to make her feel bad.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think like, oh, you're ending this. Like, I already bought this ring. Someone will give it to you in the future.

[Jared Freed]

He's self victimizing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

To make her feel even worse than she felt, to probably end this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Especially when she already told him she wasn't ready to get engaged.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I will say the defense. We're getting one account here. This is a very kind.

[Jordana Abraham]

We always get one account.

[Jared Freed]

We all. But I'm just saying this email more than most is very kind to the writer. I mean to say I broke up with him for a whole host of reasons I'm not going to get into. And then we got back together a year later because he had done the work and like, I, we.

[Jordana Abraham]

How could You. How would, how can you imagine telling this as the. If you were gonna just guess the man's side, how could you tell this story differently?

[Jared Freed]

I guess if I was to, like, do a little fan fiction.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure. A way you could see it having gone down in his eyes that they were dating.

[Jared Freed]

And I. It seems as though she wasn't as into him as. It feels as though that she. He was, like, grasping for her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

And in a way, trying to get her to buy in as much as he'd bought in. That's in a very kind version to him. Like, it may have been he was cheating and she took him back and she could never forget him for. Forgive him. This new version of him that doesn't cheat anymore, supposedly.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure.

[Jared Freed]

But then even in that scenario, I

[Jordana Abraham]

would say crazy toxic.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And, and, but even in that scenario, like, to just sit there and, like, say, well, I don't know if I could take you back because of all these things happened before, then don't take them back or go to therapy together. Go to couples therapy. Like, if this is who you're dealing with, like, to have someone back, I

[Jordana Abraham]

mean, you can be. You can try something and then it doesn't feel right. And then she ends it. It like, she's like, okay, like, I wanted to give it a shot. And then for a while, I thought we really could be something.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then I. All these issues kind of kept coming back and I realized I couldn't just like, you say, like, you can leave a relationship for any reason at any time.

[Jared Freed]

Totally. And. But I, I don't know. It, it, I, I. Something about the way this is written. I don't think we're getting all the information. I.

[Jordana Abraham]

This guy is supposedly a listener. Right in with.

[Jared Freed]

Right in with your side. I would love that. I would love it too, because it is. It is petty of him.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

I, I do believe. I agree that it's petty of him to, like, bring out the ring. It's performative. It's this whole thing to, like, make sure that she feels as bad as he feels. I'm with. I'm with you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

I just don't know how we got to this point. It's a little too. To tango. Like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, she said. She does say we looked at. We looked at Pinterest rings.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Whatever. Like, the fact that he bought a ring, he didn't even know her ring size, I think is also, like, a little weird.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. I don't know how the ring thing would work. I, I would ass.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, wouldn't you imagine you would get if you were making an expensive purchase like that? You would find out the size of the finger that you were buying it for.

[Jared Freed]

I would also imagine that I'd be living in the same city as someone, but also they're spending every weekend together. So, like, how far away do you live from each other?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, the ring seems like a grasp on his end to try to lock her in.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And it feels that. I do think that there's a version of this where she knows she has someone who really likes her and she doesn't like him that much.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

And it. Or, you know, there's the cheating version where he's a cheater and she could never trust him. Or there's the nice guy version where this guy's a nice guy and she's always kind of kept him along and he kind of chased her.

[Jordana Abraham]

But then why would he. I guess she took him back. Maybe she was in a lower point. Right.

[Jared Freed]

She was. Went out and dated again. Found out the grass wasn't as green out there and.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which doesn't make her a monster.

[Jared Freed]

No, no, it doesn't make her a monster. But took back the guy who's been knocking at her door the whole time. And she never really wanted to end this and did the Pinterest thing because, you know, he's nice and she wants to get engaged. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

To someone.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

At some point.

[Jared Freed]

Again, there's like two versions. I. I don't know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I mean, given all the information about him, I would say he was in a little, like a little. Desperately trying to grab onto the. If you buy a ring without having like a real conversation, especially if you show it to someone when they're breaking up with you, I think there's like a little bit of a desperation there.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And. And this happens when you're dating someone that you're not getting all this. You're like, I know I'm not getting everything from them.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, what is it gonna. What do they need for me to, like, for them to go all in,

[Jared Freed]

to finally give me, like. I think if, to honestly, like, I think if the, the, the genders were reversed, we would look at this a totally different way, you know, like, or, or if. If she was. Because she never says he cheated on her. Like, it's weird to like, say for a host of reasons. You don't need to know when generally people who were wronged by someone, they give us those, Give us the reasons,

[Jordana Abraham]

give us a follow up, give us the reasons. And if you're listening guy.

[Jared Freed]

Right. You were petty but I think he was petty and they seemingly like in

[Jordana Abraham]

a sad desperate way in a sad

[Jared Freed]

to me also like in a like you really put this person on a pedestal.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

And I think this person may have known they were on a pedestal and felt uncomfortable at that but didn't feel confident enough to be like get out of my life.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean she did event that's what she said right? Eventually.

[Jared Freed]

Eventually.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

The second time over years after.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

I'm just saying that's a lot of like I think if like a guy was messing with a woman that way where we kept getting back together and yeah I'll go look at engagement rings

[Jordana Abraham]

and never then never and then just

[Jared Freed]

goes ah, you know what? I've had enough. We would look at the emailer differently maybe, maybe I, I just think that there's because we don't have all the information. That's why I'm like giving some space I guess as the kids say to

[Jordana Abraham]

this other but let's hear from him. You're listening or if you, you know, if you're listening I'm sure you have a friend who here who if you don't even listen anymore I'm sure a friend who does who's going to send you this write in, give us your side. I want to know.

[Jared Freed]

I also think that I, I, I guess I'm making an assumption about the men who listen to this show. You know that they're desperate well that they're, that they like the game of that they, they're looking in love and they're looking for answers in dating.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's true.

[Jared Freed]

We generally don't you know like we know the numbers like yeah no, I,

[Jordana Abraham]

I do feel for this for this guy. He's clearly like in over his head with someone who does not feel the same way about him.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which is sad in itself but I do think it's like a kind of manipulative move to show someone an engagement ring when they have broken up.

[Jared Freed]

He is petty but I, I, there's a piece of me that's like did we lead the horse to petty?

[Jordana Abraham]

Is it her fault? Are you victim blaming the petty the petty receiver again?

[Jared Freed]

If he cheated and he was horrible then I take it all back.

[Jordana Abraham]

I have to say I am a huge jeans and a T shirt girl. That is my staple. That's my go to but, but it is hard to find great staple white tops that are form fitting that are comfortable that look really like nice and high end. That's why I love what Skims is doing. You can see me on many episodes wearing their cotton jersey black T shirts or the white cotton rib T shirts. Honestly, like it is huge in my rotation. I wear one almost every day. I'm also really picky about T shirts because I hate when they stretch out or they lose their shape. But Skims the cotton jersey T shirt, it's honestly the best fit I found. It hugs all the right places and still feels soft and comfortable. It has really is the perfect balance of fitted and stretchy without ever feeling tight. I can't say enough good things about Skims T shirts. Shop Skims, cotton and all of my favorite [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You know those tiny back to school emergencies that somehow become your problem? That's why I love UberEats. You can order school supplies, snacks and lunchbox essentials for $5 or less. So when your kid casually drops I don't like peanut butter anymore or I need five green highlighters for a project due tomorrow, Uber Eats has you covered. Get everything you need for back to school today from your favorite brands like Aldi and staples on UberEats. Order now ends 97. $5 or less before taxes and fees. Select items only. Availability varies. See app for details.

[Jared Freed]

Uuptures.com let's do another email. You ready? Last summer a really annoying couple that I know got engaged. Mazel. I like when you don't wish them well. It's a mazel with an O. With an O. Yeah, they're both quite performative, so I don't know why this surprised me, but they both have expressed they are not prioritizing getting married and that they plan to purchase a home together and have kids first. If you have no plans to get married, why get engaged? Why go to the trouble of getting a ring, planning engagement, spending five to 10 years in limbo before making it official? If it's a financial reason, 50 down at the courthouse will fix that. That if you're going to pledge your love and loyalty to someone, wouldn't you want the tax benefits and the legal medical rights? Am I just a cold hearted CPA rolling their eyes in the back? Curious for your thoughts? A traditional batch. What do you think?

[Jordana Abraham]

This person seems a little angry.

[Jared Freed]

Yes. Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

Do I think this is like a little odd? Sure. What I do. I think it's absurd. No, I can understand the reasons for a Couple getting engaged but not, not getting married.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Actually, like, I could understand that from a practical point. Marriage is like a scary thing. It's like a legal contract. You're tying yourself to someone financially and, you know, in which is huge. It comes along with a lot of other stuff. So I can understand why you want to say, listen, I'm committing to being with you for a really long time, but, like, we don't need to get the government involved.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, I, I, I can. And sometimes, you know, being engaged on social media is Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

As much a commitment you're declaring to the world.

[Jared Freed]

Right. That, that is the thing that would, you know, if you look at marriage as this version of like, you know, what makes, you know, I want to make sure we're committed to each other and I want this, like, symbol.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

The social media symbol is as much a thing to keep you honest as the, like, if a guy met a woman in a bar and she was like, what's your name? And he was like, I'm Jonathan. And then they went and looked him up and saw the first picture was him on a knee getting engaged, she goes, I engaged.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Like, and I know who to message. And I, you know, I mean, the

[Jordana Abraham]

wedding is just a party celebrating the engagement, right.

[Jared Freed]

I mean, this person, maybe they can't

[Jordana Abraham]

afford the, to have the wedding that they want to have.

[Jared Freed]

And the cpa, I get why they're getting practical. It sounds like this person. I, I think this is like where we are in Internet, like, where the people we were having fun, being annoyed with were starting to get, like, they're

[Jordana Abraham]

actually starting to affect us.

[Jared Freed]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

You're like this person. Like, you know, you could see that they all, it's all pictures of how wonderful they are. And then, oh, now they have to be the couple that doesn't get married and talks about how much they, you know, like, I, I, it's like I've watched this whole movie. I'm ready for the wedding scene. And now you're gonna go in this other direction, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Who do you think you are?

[Jared Freed]

Right? That's.

[Jordana Abraham]

You think you're special to not just do the regular thing, do the normal,

[Jared Freed]

do the, you know, the, the toes. And let me judge your, Come on, let me judge your wedding dress. I want to say it sucks.

[Jordana Abraham]

This might be a little weird, but, like, it shouldn't affect you enough to write in, right?

[Jared Freed]

I think you being affected to write in is the problem and maybe need

[Jordana Abraham]

a little break from Instagram.

[Jared Freed]

Right? And it's the, I, but I Do think a lot of people are here with like, there was the fun of like, wow, look at these people I'm catching up with online. And then it became the oh, look at these influencers that are showing me cool clothes that I could get. Now we're at like, everyone mode.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Where it's like, I've seen how you act and now it's like. And. And also it's like you can't even unfollow these people because, like, I'm sure they're friends in some way.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's what the mute. The mute button is the greatest thing that has ever been invented. I mute 85 of the people.

[Jared Freed]

TTM. We should make some merch.

[Jordana Abraham]

Time to mute. Time to mute.

[Jared Freed]

It's mute time.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right on the hat.

[Jared Freed]

Welcome to Muteville Station.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay, population.

[Jared Freed]

You.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freed]

Population. Miserable.

[Jordana Abraham]

The silent killer.

[Jared Freed]

Let's play some games. Red flagger. Deal breaker. Uup. It's the game that's sweeping the country. You're dating someone, one thing happens. You decide whether it's a red flag, you just leave it alone. Or it's a deal breaker, you end it on scene.

[Jordana Abraham]

There you go.

[Jared Freed]

I say it differently.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm still not even sure. All right. Hi, all. Feather. Feather. I've got a red flag or deal breaker for you. Last night, I, 31, female, went on a date with a guy, 40, male. Oh, we met at an arcade bar.

[Jared Freed]

I like it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Got a drink, played some games, then walked to a nice restaurant for a lovely dinner.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Beautiful.

[Jordana Abraham]

After, he walked me to my car and went in for a good night kiss. Unfortunately, he was a terrible kisser. Too wet, Too much tongue. Immediately I left and he texted me following. He texted me the following. You'll be him. I'll be here.

[Jared Freed]

Okay. Glad we were able to figure that out. It was touch and go there for a bit. I thoroughly enjoyed our kiss tonight.

[Jordana Abraham]

I am an excellent kisser. Winky face proofer.

[Jared Freed]

It didn't happen. I, on the other hand, am absolute trash. You got my best effort, and I'm sorry to say it's all downhill from here.

[Jordana Abraham]

We can work on that winky face emoji again.

[Jared Freed]

Haha. Yes. Please teach me your ways.

[Jordana Abraham]

So, red flagger. Deal breaker. The date is great, but he's a terrible kisser. I've had a night to sleep on it, but I fear there will be no coming back from the ick of it from a licked batch. I'm like not really sure even what they're talking about in these texts.

[Jared Freed]

I thought at first he was saying that what was touch and go?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

I think the. Maybe they weren't going to the date. Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

The planning of the date.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, I think the planning of the date. That. That would sound to me like something I would write right after a date that happened. After a lot of like planning and missed opportunities.

[Jordana Abraham]

Rescheduling. Right. I'm assuming he's not talking about the kiss. At first I thought he was talking about the kiss.

[Jared Freed]

He said, I thoroughly enjoyed our kiss tonight. I'm an excellent kisser. Where's. That's where I don't understand. Proof for it didn't happen.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

Didn't they kiss? Sounds like they did I on their hand of absolute trash. So he's saying. I think he's saying I'm a bad kisser. Which actually makes him like me. Like I like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Does anyone think they're a bad kisser?

[Jared Freed]

I thoroughly enjoyed our kiss. I'm an excellent kisser. Proof or it didn't happen.

[Jordana Abraham]

Does anyone actually think that they're a 40 year old man. Can you imagine a 40 year old man thinking he's a bad kisser?

[Jared Freed]

I can't. But that means something went. I think the kiss didn't go well.

[Jordana Abraham]

There was like an awkward.

[Jared Freed]

I think there was an awkward kiss that both of them are acknowledging or he's acknowledging. She is not acknowledging.

[Jordana Abraham]

She's basically how this logistically could even happen.

[Jared Freed]

But something about that kiss was off enough.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

For a 40 year old man to go, I'm the worst kisser. Teach me your ways. Whether he thinks he's a bad kisser or not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. She clearly wasn't into whatever he was trying to do there. Maybe he went a little too adventurous.

[Jared Freed]

I think it got weird on the kiss. We can say that too.

[Jordana Abraham]

Tonguey.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Licking her nose.

[Jared Freed]

I guess he may have missed the mouth. Like was he closing his eyes and then put his head in like, like Right. Based on this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

I actually like him. Like I think I. She's saying red flagger, deal breaker. I'm like, I think you should go out again.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I also don't understand what she's saying to him. She's like, I'm an excellent kisser.

[Jared Freed]

She wanted no blame in this.

[Jordana Abraham]

She wanted him to know she didn't enjoy it.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Too. I think she said we can work on that. I'm a good kisser. So just so you know, like it

[Jared Freed]

was a new thing. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I. I didn't enjoy. I think she's trying to say like I didn't enjoy that. Like if we're Going to do it again. Don't do it like that.

[Jared Freed]

I'm more turned off by her than him because he's trying. It seems as though. And I could be wrong, right. That he's trying to communicate. Like, that was a bit of an awkward kiss. I'd love another shot. And he's doing it very clunky.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. How would you. How could this conversation go down better, like, on both sides?

[Jared Freed]

Would you say, hey, that was a great time tonight, that kiss. I don't know where we missed the mark, but I'm really sorry about it. Suck on your nostril.

[Jordana Abraham]

I got a little. Right away.

[Jared Freed]

I got a little excited and honestly, I would love another shot to give you another kiss because that really wasn't me Indicative. Right? That would be a hard.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then how could she respond in like a nice.

[Jared Freed]

I think she could have been like, totally. No problem. Yeah, we might have been a little bit off, but, you know, makes perfect face. Yeah, we can. But thank you for the date and I really did have a wonderful time meeting you. And let's figure out another time. But it's. But she was still thinking it over, so I want to give her a little bit of grace. Is like, she's like, sleeping on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. She's not sure if she was.

[Jared Freed]

So why should she say again, this is me being.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, if I were her, I would be like. Like, is this how he kisses? Because, like, I don't want to, like, have to deal with this.

[Jared Freed]

Right. But I also. We have so many emails of people being like, I'm dating a bad kisser who doesn't know it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

This is like the best case scenario of the bad kissing scenarios.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freed]

Like, oh, hey, I'm acknowledging awareness here.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I would definitely give it another shot if the rest of the date went really well.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not like, like, it doesn't start it off on like, the best foot. Because I think after the first date you should both kind of be like, the idea of sleeping with the person should be, like, kind of exciting to you. And I guess I get that this sort of like, put a wedge in that for her maybe probably not for him. Sounds like he's would still definitely do that. Maybe, like, maybe he, like, wanted to do that too badly, which is where the. The bad kiss kind of kind of came in. Do you know what I mean? Like a kiss that didn't have any. That wasn't tempered. Right.

[Jared Freed]

He came in like, hot and heavy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Like almost trying.

[Jared Freed]

Nobody.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. I. I don't know. She Said it was a lovely dinner and women only use the word lovely.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I'd give it one, I'd give it one more date.

[Jared Freed]

I'd give it one more.

[Jordana Abraham]

And if the, the second kiss situation didn't go well and you were just not interested in having sex with him at any point, do you bring it

[Jared Freed]

up on the date?

[Jordana Abraham]

No, because you already discussed it over the text. I would let the second kiss speak for itself.

[Jared Freed]

Okay, let's do another one.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Jared Freed]

Red flag or deal breaker? J&J NV I was just doing my morning hinge swipe and came across a profile that gave me pause. Red flagger. Deal breaker. He mentions gender a lot in his profile where it seems irrelevant. I've included two of his prompts below. Something about his wording just struck me as odd. Like a little trad wifey. You ready? Dating me is like being with a man that leads, adapts fast and goes for what he wants. I'm looking for a woman proud of her own life, interested to build something sustainable. Given that this is just a random hinge profile that didn't otherwise draw me in. Deal breaker for me. To me, the fact that he really focuses on gender when he's talking about what he's looking for and who he is seems like an indication of how he views the world. I'm someone who wants kids but also plans to continue working full time while raising them. It seems to me that guys like this might expect a relationship with more traditional gender roles, which isn't my style. Curious if you think this is a deal breaker too, or from reading too much into it in case it's relevant. I'm a 31 year old woman living in Boston looking to date quote men. Thanks. Love the show. What do you think?

[Jordana Abraham]

To me, the gender thing is like not the issue here. I have issues with the prompts and it's because he's not saying anything particularly like relevant or interesting. Like dating me is like being with a man that leads, adapts fast and goes for what he wants. Everyone would say that, that probably about themselves. And just like what he's looking for is a woman proud of her own life, interested to build something sustainable. I would say almost every single woman would at least say that, that that's who they are.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think the prompts are a big like nothing burger.

[Jared Freed]

Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I think he just happens to be using the genders. I'm a man. I'm looking to date a woman.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I, I, I'm with you.

[Jordana Abraham]

This, I think this whole narrative that she's made about how he doesn't want her to work.

[Jared Freed]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not.

[Jared Freed]

You have what he has said. I think it's time for her to. I mean, again, this is like the, the theme is too online. Like, because I, I understand where she's coming from with these thoughts, but these are like, look in the mirror moments. You're on the Internet too much.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Like it, like I. And to go back, his prompts are nothing. Like, he doesn't say much. He doesn't sound fun.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

If he said like, like dating is like dating. Being with a man who eats a full pizza in one sitting, like, I don't think you would zone in on this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

As much.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, he just happens to be using genders.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I. I think you being kind of triggered by him saying man and woman. I think that's like more a you thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Because he doesn't say anything about wanting a traditional person.

[Jared Freed]

Right. I mean, it says that he's an investment banker at AI. It sounds like he trusted AI to write his prompt responses. You know, like, that's the bigger problem.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's the turn off.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Like I not being. And again, she's like, I didn't see anything else about his profile. And now like, it feels like we're trying to create villains and heroes here, you know, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Just like how she goes from that to he. I'm someone who wants kids but plans to continue working full time while raising them.

[Jared Freed]

Crazy.

[Jordana Abraham]

There's absolutely no mention of that.

[Jared Freed]

None, none, none. And it's like, and I know people do speak like this when they talk about gender stuff and politicized gender stuff. He's not doing that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freed]

So that means it's time for. Time for you to take, you know, like, have a glass of chill the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Out.

[Jared Freed]

Out.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. You know, so touch grass, as they say.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's do one more red flagger. Deal breaker. He shows up to the date wearing a fanny pack. Not wearing a silly fanny pack or wearing it across his shoulder or anything. Fully, unironically wearing a solid black fanny pack around his waist. It was a deal breaker for me. I told all my friends that the next time anyone gives me for being fully ready to commit to the last guy I was seeing who was an ex con with two children who wanted to get a neck tattoo, I'm going to remind them that the next guy I went out with had a fanny pack and a comb over that blew in the wind.

[Jared Freed]

I would take the fanny pack guy over the xcon.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

So would I kids. I I think your friends are like, cool.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I think she's the issue here, right?

[Jared Freed]

Like, the fanny pack.

[Jordana Abraham]

Listen, I go on walks sometimes and I wear a fanny pack.

[Jared Freed]

I'm a fanny pack.

[Jordana Abraham]

I need my hands free.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah. Fanny pack is like, one of the better. I and again, it is funny the, the idea that fanny pack around the waist, nerd fanny pack around the shoulder. Whoa. Cool guy. You know, like, he was like. And I get the look, but, like, again, like, your friends or whoever you went out with, like, you know, it sounds like you have more. Your type is a little bit more down the other side of the spectrum, but doesn't make that type. Wrong. Wrong.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Yeah. I would say, like, she's trying to say she's looking for a more masculine man with a. Who's a neck tattoo. And I'd rather date someone with a fanny pack than a neck tattoo to personally.

[Jared Freed]

Right. And Jason Statham is bald, so.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

It's good enough for me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Are you opposed to a fanny pack on a date?

[Jared Freed]

No, I, I if someone walked in with it around their waist, my, my fear with the fanny pack would be that this person doesn't take things seriously. I would think it was like them trying to be like, a clown.

[Jordana Abraham]

A woman.

[Jared Freed]

Oh, a woman.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

No, I would think it's hot. Fanny pack gently askew to the side.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, I'm into that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Look.

[Jared Freed]

She got like, a little bit of a nicer fanny pack, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Make a designer fanny pack.

[Jared Freed]

A little designer fanny pack. I mean, I walk around with it. I I had a fanny pack that I've now is like, I have the sling bag, which is a different version of a fan.

[Jordana Abraham]

We should bring those back.

[Jared Freed]

I have a fanny pack. I have a neon one that I bring to the beach. Immerse. My dad was big on Merce's.

[Jordana Abraham]

He had a four before they were

[Jared Freed]

popular before he was early on the merch.

[Jordana Abraham]

Satchel.

[Jared Freed]

Satchel, yes. European carry all. I no, I, I, she just wasn't attracted.

[Jordana Abraham]

She wants a man's man.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, well, she just, like, you know, sure. You got to bring up.

[Jordana Abraham]

She wants a net man's man who's committed crimes.

[Jared Freed]

The comb over, right? The comb over is like, why'd you got his. What he looks like?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freed]

You know, like, oh, can you believe this woman came in with.

[Jordana Abraham]

You know, next time I get on for dating someone who might murder me, right. Just remember the the other men out there are wearing fanny packs.

[Jared Freed]

It seems like she has an issue with her friends who gave her feedback on the ex that she wouldn't get over because the sex was great and

[Jordana Abraham]

in her mind it's like that guy was ob was like an obvious better choice than this guy when I don't

[Jared Freed]

think that's to me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, that's the vibe we're getting here.

[Jared Freed]

Well, sometimes you're the red flag. I've been there. UUP betches.com we're here every Wednesday and Friday.

[Jordana Abraham]

We did it.

[Jared Freed]

We'll be back on Friday. Solve dating again.

[Jordana Abraham]

Bye.

[Jared Freed]

Boom.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Jordana Abraham]

Betch.