He Dumped Me Because Of My Music Taste?!

Summary

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U Up? Podcast – Episode Summary

Episode Title: He Dumped Me Because Of My Music Taste?!
Date: February 6, 2026
Hosts: Jared Freid (stand-in solo host), Brian Russell Smith (guest co-host/producer)
Podcast: U Up? by Betches Media

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Episode Overview

This “Friday Feels” episode dives into the nuances of modern dating, with a particular focus on relationship dynamics, vulnerability, and how “ick” moments and personal quirks (from music taste to sexual honesty and STI conversations) influence dating outcomes. With co-founder Jordana on maternity leave, producer Brian Russell Smith joins Jared for an honest, often hilarious look at love, including sharing his story of cross-cultural, age-gap romance.

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Major Segments & Key Insights

1. Behind-the-Scenes: Introducing Brian Russell Smith (00:58–03:07)

• Jared and Brian discuss Brian’s longtime work behind the scenes at Betches and the podcast, giving shoutouts to other team members.
• Brian humorously describes his first time "on the mic" after eight years at Betches.
• Banter on workplace dynamics and giving credit to the production crew.

Notable Quote:
Jared: “I can’t imagine a greater hell…having to watch this mug.” (02:37)

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2. Brian’s Love Story: Age Gaps, Honesty, and Cultural Differences (03:10–16:51)

• Brian shares how he met his husband, Antonio, a Spaniard 19 years his senior, in a serendipitous gay bar encounter involving a lost coat.
• Discussion on dating norms in the gay community: greater upfront honesty, sexual compatibility, and bluntness about intentions.
• Challenges of age-gap relationships: differences in life stage, financial situations, and integrating families.
• Cultural directness in Spanish/romantic languages, and Brian’s ongoing effort to learn Spanish as a gesture of connection.

Notable Quotes:
Brian: “I was looking for my Pedro Pascal.” (03:55)
Jared: “I would argue that's probably a healthier way to go… get it out of your system and see.” (06:06)
Brian: “A good relationship is just about being real. Just honesty. That's what he does really well…a cultural thing too.” (11:41)
Brian: “On paper it would seem weird, but you see a photo and you're like, oh, he's 50. No big deal.” (15:56)

Timestamps:

• How Brian met Antonio: 03:10–05:02
• Age gap & cultural insights: 07:39–16:51

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3. Advice Segment: The Valentine’s Day Cookie Dilemma (22:34–28:38)

• Listener email: Should he send homemade cookies to his girlfriend of a few months for Valentine’s, even though she’s spending it with friends?
• Both hosts agree it’s thoughtful and personal—a great move if feelings are reciprocated.
• Jared role-plays both best and worst-case brunch scenarios: Girlfriend raving over the cookies vs. using them as a segue to break up.
• The essential insight: Thoughtful actions in dating bring clarity—whether accelerating intimacy or prompting a breakup.

Notable Quotes:
Brian: “She would slide off her chair if she got cookies on Valentine’s Day.” (23:57)
Jared: “A Valentine’s Day gift is either the nicest thing you’ve done—or the reason they end it. Gifts get you answers.” (24:31, 27:21)
Jared: “You’re probably sane and well. You wanting to bake them cookies is the right decision.” (27:20)

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4. Game: Icky or Picky? – Dumped for Music Taste (30:22–38:33)

• Listener wonders if her boyfriend breaking up due to “not being passionate enough about music” is valid or just picky/elitist.
• Both hosts see this as a “picky” excuse, not a legitimate relationship issue—especially since the listener was supportive and attended his events.
• Brian shares his indie rock passion, but emphasizes how strong relationships thrive when partners have unique passions and respect differences.
• Discussion of “having a type” and how being a fan of something is a positive in relationships.
• Jared suspects the boyfriend used music taste as a cover for larger relationship doubts, not the actual reason for the breakup.

Notable Quotes:
Brian: “He kind of sounds like a loser. He sounds a little bit elitist.” (31:19)
Jared: “Enough’s enough is different than ‘I hate your exact love’...saying ‘I hate Taylor Swift’ is like saying ‘I hate ketchup’—we’ve all decided, it’s pretty good.” (35:05, 35:21)
Jared: “When men want to get out of relationships, they tend to turn themselves into the most crazy version of someone that doesn’t exist.” (38:02)

Timestamps:

• Listener scenario: 30:22
• Brian’s live music stories: 32:42–33:46
• General relationship lessons: 34:03–38:33

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5. Advice: How to Disclose Having Herpes (39:16–52:28)

• Listener asks: When/how do you disclose herpes to a new dating partner? Shared her experience of being vulnerable and getting a tepid, avoidant response.
• Hosts agree early, honest disclosure is good, but recommend avoiding “homework” (sending podcasts/articles right away); instead, give concise, confident info.
• Jared points out: If there’s a real connection, you can’t “screw it up”—vulnerability will not scare off the right person.
• Broader comparison is drawn with straight/gay dating and the openness in the gay community about health status and preferences.
• Suggestions: Practice a confident, informational way of sharing, don’t overexplain or apologize, trust the right person won’t penalize you.

Notable Quotes:
Brian: “You can say, ‘Hey, just a heads up, I have herpes. There’s no chance of you getting it right now, we’ll use a condom, I just wanted you to know.’” (44:56)
Jared: “You can’t fuck it up… There’s no way to screw up if someone feels a connection to you.” (45:23)
Jared: “My envy of the gay community… is the honest, specific communication.” (49:16, 51:15)

Timestamps:

• Listener scenario: 39:16
• Text exchange analysis: 41:15–42:49
• Broader discussion: 47:07–52:28

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Brian’s “coat” meeting story with Antonio at a New York gay bar (03:10–05:02): A testament to serendipitous, honest beginnings.
• Jared’s “Valentine’s Cookie” role-play (25:47–27:21): Hilarious but revealing dramatization of gift-giving fallout.
• Honest confessions about age, class, and sexual pace in the gay community (05:32–09:53): “Test drive the car before you take it off the lot.”
• Brian’s Taylor Swift fan confession (34:19–35:38): “She’s actually the background on my phone right now.”
• Herpes disclosure advice (44:56–45:27): “If someone sent me homework from a first date… I’d be like, get this away from me!”

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Episode Timestamps

• 00:58–03:07: Brian’s introduction; team shoutouts
• 03:10–16:51: Brian’s relationship story: meeting, age gap, cultural differences
• 22:34–28:38: Valentine’s cookies: thoughtful or risky?
• 30:22–38:33: Icky or Picky game: dumped over music taste
• 39:16–52:28: STI honesty: disclosing herpes, text analysis
• Throughout: Relationship communication advice, personal anecdotes, and lively banter

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Podcast Tone

Conversational, honest, warm, and deeply self-aware. Both hosts are unfiltered, leaning into personal storytelling, humor, and vulnerability. The episode bounces seamlessly between heartfelt advice and tongue-in-cheek asides, making it accessible and engaging for listeners confronting similar dating scenarios.

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Key Takeaways

• Early, honest communication about sticky or unconventional issues (age gaps, sexual history, music tastes, health conditions) is essential to healthy dating—but so is thoughtful presentation and timing.
• Personal quirks and differences (whether musical or medical) are rarely the "real" reason for a breakup; in most cases, they serve as convenient stand-ins for deeper incompatibilities.
• Gift-giving and thoughtful gestures are a risk in new relationships—but a worthy one, as they clarify the emotional playing field.
• Vulnerability might feel dangerous, but holds the potential for connection—when received by the right partner.

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For further dating commentary and banter, follow @u.up.podcast on Instagram and check out Betches Video Club (Brian’s other show) for comfort-listening on movies and TV.

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This summary captures the main content of the episode while skipping advertisements and non-content banter. Each section is designed to help listeners who missed the show catch up on all the essential stories, lessons, and laughs.

Transcript

[Jared Frank Freed]

This episode is brought to you by courier on Uber. We all know how quickly life and dating gets busy. Valentine's Day sneaks up before you know it, and suddenly you're stressing about how to show up without doing too much or too little. That's where courier comes in. Whether it's picking up a gift from your place, bringing the outfit, the card, the one thing you can't reorder, or getting something meaningful across town right on time, courier moves what matters, person to person. So even when you can't be there in person, courier helps you show. Just open the Uber app, slide over to the courier tab, select your delivery type, and let courier help deliver what matters. You haven't watched. He did Rivalry.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No, I started it. I usually don't like gay things. I talk to friends, gay friends, and they're like, oh, no, I can only watch it, like, after I off. I can't. I can't. I can't watch it. Pre.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Jared Frank Freed.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'm Brian Russell Smith.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And we are back on a Friday Feels episode. Brian Russell Smith, thank you for coming on.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Thank you for having me. Long time listener, person behind the scenes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You've been behind the scenes of the show for. Yeah, a long time. And I remember when you started here.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, I worked here for eight years.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And this is the first time we've ever talked.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Can't believe it.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

I know. Wow.

[Brian Russell Smith]

This is what my voice sounds like.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Jerry, I had no idea you're such a nice guy. I don't know why I have been. I usually wear my sunglasses when I walk in. I say I throw my jacket at whoever's at the front.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's very Miranda Priestley.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah, that's me. How are you? What's going on? Let's. How you feeling on a Friday feels? It is Friday, February 6th. We are in our maternity leave era. Jordana Abraham Marinelli. We wish her well. We wish her the best. We. We miss her terribly. If you want to hear how Jordana's doing, you can sign up for the benefits episodes. That is. What is it, five bucks a month? Is that what we're charging for two extra episodes a month plus no ads? And, you know, we just. The benefits episodes, we don't lose people. People tend to join. And you're going to hear about Jordana's journey becoming a new mother. We're all so excited. But otherwise, what's going on with you? How are you?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'm great. I mean, before we get started, I just want to give a shout out to the team. Behind the scenes team.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Really crushing it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I work a lot with them. V reads all of your emails. Some of you are deviants, but you're all lovely and hilarious. Jonah edits all these episodes and she has to listen to Jared talk for hours.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I can't imagine a greater hell.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I can't imagine having to watch this mug.

[Brian Russell Smith]

So. They all work really hard. I just wanted to say that. You up listening.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That feels like an attack. Should we be thanking the team more? Hey, no, not for you thanking the team. No, no, it's not you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's not you I'm talking to. It's Rodana. She's not. Listen to this.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. She doesn't give a.

[Brian Russell Smith]

She doesn't care. No, I'm just saying, you know, when I had the opportunity, I thought I would take it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, you head up the team. You're. You're our point person here.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And you are married.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

We. We got to get in the relationship. This is a relationship show. You're married. They're from Spain. So how did you meet?

[Brian Russell Smith]

And.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And they're older.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my husband, Antonio. Antonio Pasquale.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That's his name.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Holy.

[Jared Frank Freed]

This is heated rivalry.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I know, right? I was.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You don't need to watch the show.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I was always, like, the. I always had, like, a huge crush on Pedro Pascal. Like, before everyone did, like, I'm talking, like, Mandalorian with the mask, but with the mask.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, Pedro Pascal is like, one of those people that, like, was around.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, he wasn't like, this isn't, like, guy who made it, you know, on a rocket ship. He was like. He's like, in a lot of older shows, it's like, kind of George Clooney is.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, yeah. So I was kind of looking for that and.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And looking for my paper.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I was looking for my Pedro Pascal.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I met him out at a bar when, you know, like, eight years ago.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It was one of those nights where you go out with a co worker and for drinks, and then you just keep drinking, and then you don't end up having dinner, and then you just get, like, wasted.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You go, we don't need dinner. I don't want to be full. I don't want to ruin my night. I don't want to go home and take a nap at this point.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Exactly. And then I lost my coat. Drunkenly looking for my coat, and I was like, have you seen my coat? And he was like, no, but you can borrow mine. And Then that's how we met. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And did you take the code?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I did take the coat. I did. I mean I took it back to his place.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Oh, so, so wait a minute, you're at a place. I'm looking for my coat. You hadn't started talking yet.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No, he said he had checked me out earlier in the night. Like he was like, oh, that guy is cute.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Sure. So he had eyes on you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then you finally come up to in his vicinity.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You're pecking around for a coat and he's like, I'll give you mine.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. And he chats me up. You know what bar it was called Barracuda. Could you tell it's a gay bar by the way?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Is it Is Barracuda. Well, on the attack?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Rest in peace. It just, it just closed here. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Where was it?

[Brian Russell Smith]

It was on 22nd and 8th, I think.

[Jared Frank Freed]

21St and oh, so right near this office, like right here?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, I was working here. Well, not this. We, our other office is like was like a street or two away. So it was like a place I would, you know, frequent.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So you guys meet the coat scenario, I got to assume in the gay community there's like almost more honesty.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

This is my assumption. Cuz like you guys go home together the first night and then it's like I would think it's easier to look each other eye and go, what is this? Or like is there, what, what's the, how do we go towards marriage in that scenario?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, I think like I, you gotta like, you know, you test drive the car before you take it out of the lot.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. So you drink the milk for free.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then you buy the car.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Like I think gay, the gay community is very much like, let's have sex right away and then figure it out. If we want a relationship, I would.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Argue that's probably a healthier way to go. Where?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Oh, he's so nervous. Joe's so nervous.

[Jared Frank Freed]

He's like, I, I, we're gonna, I guess, I guess we're all having got all nervous. I, I, I don't know. There's like a, there is a thing of like get it out of your system.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then let's see. I, I guess it's more personally offensive if you could take it that way where you're like, oh, then they saw my personality and they were like, I'm out of here.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, I think it's also the other, the other version of it is also equally embarrassing. Like oh, like I got along with this person. But then the sex was terrible, and now I don't want to continue this relationship.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I mean, for women listening to this, there again, we are doing guest hosts, and we're getting different perspectives, and we're sitting here, a bunch of guys.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Chilling.

[Brian Russell Smith]

That's true.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Being. And. And. But I'm like, I do. I don't know how that, Like, I think a lot of women, when they write in here, they're like, I can work on it. I can figure that part out.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

But I don't know if men can do that.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, well, for us, it was more like, okay, so, you know, the next morning, he, like, made me breakfast. We were just, like, chatting, and then we had a really, like. Oh, like an easy rapport, right? And we kept talking and talking. He had, like, a brunch reservation with a friend. He pushed it back. And then we were like, oh, that was great.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

Okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You know, maybe we'll see each other again and exchange numbers. And then, like, I think I texted him, like, two days later, and then we just, like, got dinner. And that was pretty much.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then you're dating. That's.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That's how it's going down.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It was pretty, pretty, pretty quick, him being.

[Jared Frank Freed]

How old is he and how old are you?

[Brian Russell Smith]

So when we met, I was 25. He was 44.

[Jared Frank Freed]

44, 25, yeah. What are the hilarious mistakes that happen when you guys show up somewhere together? Is there. Cuz you hear about, like, the. The women with their dads and someone goes, oh, like, are you guys dating? Like, is there any fun? Is. Is. Does it result in that, or do you guys. I'm sure he looks great.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, that's the thing, right? He's like. He's a gay man from Spain. He takes, like. He's got olive skin. Like, really? Everyone? Like, I thought he was, like, 35, 36 when I met him. And he thought I was, like, 30, because I was kind of skewed older. I'm 33 now, so we've been together for, like, eight years. We got married when I was 30. So it felt like it was like, okay, this is weird. We're at different stages of our lives. Like, he had an apartment in Chelsea. I lived in Bushwick with, like, three roommates. You know what I mean? And so, like, then there was that kind of, like, weird dynamic of like, oh, I would love to go on this trip. And I'll be like, I can't afford to go on that trip.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Unless you pay for me. Then, yeah, we'll go, so we did. But, yeah, but like, but now that it's been, you know, some time, it, the, the playing field is definitely much easier in that way. But, like, it wasn't ever, it really wasn't an issue because I was very, like, upfront about it, you know?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Were you always looking for something serious? Were you both looking for something serious? I, I, some of the feedback here from the gay community is like, you know, we have women talk about how hard it is to get guys to settle down, but, like, when it's two men.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, it was the time in my life and actually similar to him where I wasn't really interested in, look, in a relationship. Like, I was, we were both actually casually seeing someone when we met, and I didn't want to go to the next step with that guy because whatever, he was a pediatric dentist. He was very hot, but he was, like, very strange. I don't know, it's a weird profession to want to go into. Like, thank God we have you. But like, he was like, how many. Like, whenever he's like, whenever I see a kid, I wonder how much teeth they have in their mouth.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I'm like, yeah, that's the weirdest sentence.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I've ever heard in my entire life. So I wasn't, I see a kid.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I wonder how much teeth he has in his mouth.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Is that like a money thing? He's like, I don't know if he has less teeth. I can make more money off of them. Or is that like, yeah, like a year, like, into that.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. But so I, that's crazy.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I, I, I'd hear that and I'd.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Be like, like, I say, he was hot. He was so hot. So I kind of looked over it, look past it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I think women would be helped. Like, when you hear a, a gay guy talk about, like, he's hot, I gotta do it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, like, that's kind of like the going motto of most men.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, when. That's why these dating app conversations are kind of hard. It's like you could be as much of a dead fish as you want on a dating app. And a lot of men are like, but they're hot. So I'll keep going and I'll see what happens. And you're like, but they pushed along and they kept texting me. Yeah, well, you didn't say much and you were hot.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, like, that's a hard truth, I think when it comes to, you know, this show, you know, this show, I think, you know, my, my job Here is to make a lot of the icky more edible.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And when it's like, guys, I'm like, I get it right away.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, like, I get that idea of, like, went home, we. We wrestled a little bit, and then we woke up. We were like, take the number. Let's say I'm kind. I'm kind of seeing someone else, but, you know, whatever. That's why, like, those. Those story time videos that are done from women that are like. I'm like, it's all. When it's. When it's done in the gray of, like. And they were seeing someone.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I'm like, I don't know. If you heard this from another angle, it wouldn't be as.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I don't think anything is ever that serious, especially when you just meet someone. Like, I don't know.

[Jared Frank Freed]

It's not serious until you have both said, this is serious.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly. I. I wouldn't take anyone seriously unless they are saying, like, let's take this seriously. Right. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And getting that answer sometimes is easy. Sometimes you're asking for it. Sometimes you're the one leading it. Sometimes they're leading it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. And.

[Jared Frank Freed]

But if both people aren't talking, then you haven't heard the full answer.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's pretty much like, I think the basis of any relationship problem is just not speaking, not communicating, you know, like. Like, tell. Say, like, just be, like, be real. Like, I have the. I have that issue today still, you know, but like, yeah, just honesty. And I think that's what he does really well. Like, I think it's also a cultural thing. I think, like, they are just very upfront about how they feel. If they like something, if they don't like something, give it to me. Give. Don't give it to me. Like, just even, like, the language, the way they ask for things is very direct, like in Spanish and, like, romantic languages.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You're learning Spanish for him. Is that, like, a way to connect?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, I mean, I was, like, tired of, like, hearing him talk on the phone and then hear my name and not know what they're talking about.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You know, I'm like, I know you're talking about me. What are you saying? So I. Yeah, I take Spanish twice a week still. It's been like four. Four years.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That's like one of those that I hear someone say. Yeah, I take Spanish twice a week. And I'm like, you getting. You know, you're trying to graduate. Like, I'm like, Like, there's no understanding of, like, just having, like, something Nice.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, like that is a nice thing.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. I mean it's like a hobby I started in Covid. I was like, I need something to do before I.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, I have a one addition. I interrupted you. The age gap.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Oh, right. Yeah. I mean it never really came up all that much. It. If anything it comes up more later just like being like, oh, like as I my stages of life change. How does that change within our relationship? Like I said, like the trip stuff or like contributing 50, 50 to everything versus before. It's like, obviously we weren't on the same page now, but yeah, you were.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Out for your family, you bring home a husband. What is there any like. Like, you know, we kind of get like the story of like a coming out story.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then there's like, we all just go, oh, then they lived happily ever after. Like I. That did. That can't be the case. Like, it's like, oh, you know, because for. If someone's older, that has to be explained. Like, here's my sexuality. I don't know how hard or easy you're story is or if you even want to share that. I'm just saying we never really get like, okay, now I have a husband and yeah. How did they react to that? Like, you almost have to do it again. Yeah, I mean, or maybe not. I don't know.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's not about doing it again. I was nervous that they were going to be like, oh, why, why are you with this guy who's 19 years older than you? But they weren't because he's like very cool and very fun and like I have nieces and nephews, they all love him. And so like I was worried about like the first meeting and immediately was just like, click.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So yeah, you know, because I, I guess there's like, you know, there's. There's existing notions of like the age difference in a gay relationship. Like I was in so house in London. I'll never forget it. I'm by myself, I'm having a drink, I'm sitting kind of like it was busy. And this one guy was like being loud and very drunk and he was around and around and like just like walking around and really being performative. And he sits next to me and he starts talking to me and this girl that I'm talking to and he's really like the show. And then an older man sits with us and he's like, this is Bob. And we go, nice to meet you, Bob. And I go, how do you guys know each other? And Bob goes, He's staying with me and my husband. And we go and we all kind of look at each other like, okay, that's what's going on. And there was just like. And we all kind of laughed because. And I, I remember, I, I like put a, like a bow on it. I go, modern love.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And they all just kind of laughed and agreed. So, like, I know that those arrangements can happen and I would assume that maybe there might be, like, I, like, we bring someone home who's 19 years older, you go, let me just get in front of this. Like, we have a real relationship.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's not weird.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know what I mean? This is, this is just like you, mom and dad.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, like, you know what I mean?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Like, I, I don't know. I also, like, I felt like I've always, always with older people, like, around older people, like, I'm the youngest of four that, like, they're like 10 years older than me.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

So I don't know, like, they're like, it's funny that, like, he's older than my oldest sibling. But no, it never felt like a thing. On paper it would seem weird, but like, you see a photo of him, you see what he looks like and you're like, oh, he's 50.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You know what I mean? Like, so, I don't know.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I guess my, my thing was like the, the in yourself. Do you feel you need to explain it?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I think I, maybe initially I did, but then there's also the, the flip side of it is like. Or is this younger guy with this older man so he can get like, nice things?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. No, no, it goes all the way. There's insecurities there.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Because I remember I saw this guy when he was at so house. I was like, I guess there's an arrangement.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Of some sort. Because it just felt like the couple, they're having them over.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And I was like, I kind of get it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know? And I was like, but again, you're like, I guess I didn't realize I had assumptions about that, you know?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So listen, we're excited to have you here as our guest host. We have some emails. We're going to go through them. Everyone go follow Brian Russell Smith. Unbelievable talent.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. February is full of flowers, candy, stuffed animals, and of course, lots of talk about relationships and love. It can be a lot, whether you're dating, single, married, or just focusing on you. No matter what your love story is, therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be. Obviously, on this show we talk about dating and relationships all the time. It's pretty much all we do. But at the end of the day, we're not licensed professionals. We're just podcast hosts. We have mics and we have fun talking about it. So if you're looking for someone with a real legitimate degree who's going to be able to help you navigate your relationships, figure out how to be in a healthy relationship can't recommend better help enough. There's so many things to figure out in terms of relationships that I personally have found so helpful to talk through with my therapist. I think it's been such a great tool for me. I get an objective person to really help me hash out all sorts of things so that I can have a healthy relationship. With over 30,000 fully licensed therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. From their tailored Rex sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com UUP that's better. H-E-L-P.com UUP Valentine's Day doesn't have to mean dressing up for someone else. Sometimes it's just about feeling super confident in the way you look. So you're presenting the best version of yourself. For me, that always starts with comfortable, flattering underwear. Skims has completely changed what I reach for every single day. They are doing it unlike anyone else. Honestly, I'm wearing one of their bras right now. They have a bra literally for every kind of occasion. And the best part about their bras is that you not only look great and lifted and you know where all your girls are, but also they're extremely comfortable. Usually you kind of have to sacrifice one for the other, but with skims bras I get the best of both worlds. Everyone's always like what's the best bra? I'm always like skims. I've gotten to try almost all of their bras and literally they're all perfect for all sorts of different things. I have like the push up bra, I have the Fits Everybody bra. I have the Bralettes which I love for from being a little more casual. So can't recommend the skims bras enough. My personal favorite is the Fits Everybody Scoop bralette. I wear it probably five Days a week shop my favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for your valentine or for yourself, the Skims Valentine shop is now Open.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Thy ticket lady Jennifer of Coolidge.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, many thanks, good sir.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Here is my Discover card.

[Brian Russell Smith]

They accept Discover at Renaissance fairs? Yeah, they do here.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Discover is accepted at the places I love to shop.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Getth with the times. With the times.

[Alison Hammond]

You're playing the loot.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah, and it sounds pretty good, right?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Discover is accepted at 99 of places that take credit cards nationwide based on the February 2025 Nielsen report.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Okay, Brian, let's get into our first question. Are you ready?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I am ready.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Our first email is brought to you by our friends at Uber. Valentine's Day is in a week and it's not just about romantic love. It's a good chance to show anyone in your life that you care about them. Brian, what kind of gifter are you? Are you a timely gifter?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I am unfortunately not a timely gifter.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, I'm one of those people who's at the store or the mall. The malls exist at the store, I guess. You know, the day before Christmas 95.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I'd go to the mall.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Exactly, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Hang out with my chums in the food court.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not a timely gift. Are you?

[Jared Frank Freed]

I, you know, if I do a gift, I do it like I. But I, I'm one of those people with a gift where it has to speak to me and it has to speak to me about them or else I'm completing a task that I don't want to do, you know, so, like, I, I do have a big thing with gift connecting to the person and that does make me feel good. But if it doesn't, I don't think of a gift at all.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No, it is something that I like, will think about. Oh, I need to do this. And then I just panic until it happens. And then last minute I just go, yeah. So I think this might be perfect for me.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, if you need a little help this Valentine's Day, trust Courier on Uber to get your gifts there. Courier is an on demand delivery service in the Uber app that helps deliver items from point A to point B. Whether it's a homemade gift, something you forgot at home, or a last minute Valentine's surprise that feels intentional, sometimes you can't Physically be there, but you still want to show up. And this email is a great example of that. I love what Uber courier is doing. They're making the Uber app just a transportation app for everything, and that's what courier is doing. I remember back during COVID I had a trainer who was like, I want to send you some workout bands. And they had to put it in the back of the Uber. And we were talking before we started taping, and you kind of whisper, the Uber driver. Do you mind if you just drive this uptown?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And now they've made it easy.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. One time I had to do it for a shoot where they requested these very specific toothpicks that would be in the burgers. And then we sent the toothpicks to Jersey City from Brooklyn, and now we have an easy solve.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And that's funny because it's like, now there's this, like, big car taking over these little tiny toothpicks, and you're like, this was a lot for that. And so what Uber's doing is they're like, cutting down that whole process. They're making it more efficient by having a space on the app. Maybe it's someone that, like, takes their bike over and is like, I got the toothpicks.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So let's do the email. This email is brought to you by courier at Uber. We want you to use the courier function on Uber. And this kind of, you know, is in the same vein. J and J and B I, 25, have been dating someone 26 for a couple months. Things are going really well. We met on Hinge and talk almost every day. I brought up Valentine's Day casually, and she told me she always does a girls night on the 14th and has for years. So we're planning to celebrate on a different day instead. I'm totally fine with that, but I don't want the actual day to pass without doing something and accidentally messing this up. I know that she has a sweet tooth, and I'm thinking of baking her some cookies. I don't cook at all. Oh, that's a bad start. So I want to bake her cookies, but the one thing I can make is a simple chocolate chip cookie recipe my sister taught me years ago. And I was thinking of sending her homemade cookies on the 14th. Is that something that's too strong this early? We already are going to celebrate together, but I want her to have something from me on actual Valentine's Day day. Thanks, a guy who's overthinking Valentine's Day. I love this email. It Is thoughtful. It is specific. It is personal. It is filled with anxiety. As most Valentine's Day questions are, how do you feel about this, Brian?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I mean, I think that she would slide off her chair if she got cookies on Valentine's Day.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I mean, it does have a story.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, it does.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Sister's recipe. I want you to have something even though you have plans. Like, in the world of good boyfriend, bad boyfriend, you are a braggable partner.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I was thinking the same thing. Like she said, spending the time with her girlfriends, she's probably like, oh, yes, I get to tell him that he did this thing and make them jealous.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right there is. Well, that's actually the direction my brain.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Because I want to ease their anxiety by making it worse. Okay. So my thing to them is a Valentine's Day gift to your girlfriend, to your partner is either the nicest thing someone has done, or it's the reason you need to end it. And that's because Valentine's Day gift is a showing someone what page I am on. Yeah, I'm on page I love you and bake you cookies with my sister's recipe. And they are going to have to chew on that. They're going to have to go literally. Literally.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I have to chew on those cookies while thinking about, are they where you are now? If they're like a page behind you. Not that big a deal. They'll deal with it. We can keep on rolling. If they're on another chapter, these cookies could mean the end. But it's not because you shouldn't give the cookie. I think this is the best thing you can do is act on your emotions. We have to trust in dating. And I think what we do in dating. Like, this question's easy for us to answer because we go, yes, send the cookies. You're gonna be the boyfriend of the century.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Or they're gonna dump you. Okay, cool.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yo, you sent me cookies, right?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. Because the brunch table either goes like this. I'll be her at the brunch table.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Okay.

[Jared Frank Freed]

All right, ready? Oh. What?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Someone just uber curried cookies to you.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Oh, my God. Brad sent me cookies. Let me read the note. My sister taught me this recipe when I was a little toddler. And I made these cookies specifically for you because I love you just as much as I love my fan. Guys, I told you, he is the best. I've never had it better. I've never had it easier. He's sweet, he's loving.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Do you want to do the alternative now?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Let's do the alternative. Okay, okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Be like, oh, someone just brought these cookies.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Oh, God. They're from Brad.

[Brian Russell Smith]

God damn it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah, her sister taught him the recipe. He's been talking about these cookies for a month. He's a really nice guy, and he's sweet and loving, but I don't know if I'm into it. And these cookies, he must really, like, love me. And I just keep thinking of getting ravaged by my ex all the time. And this cookies just made me think of it even more, how much I don't want to be with him anymore. I think I gotta end it with Brad. Do you want some cookies? Oh, yeah. They're delicious. And then they eat cookies while discussing how they're gonna dump you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And that's, like, as horrific as that sounds for Brad, who wrote in that's not their name, but as. As horrific as that. Those two scenes, like, they're the exact opposite. But that's what a gift gets you. A gift gets you answers. So I, like, I love this question because it's like, it's a little sadistic. Like, I feel a little bit like, you know, Zeus sitting on my mountain watching my, you know, the humans interact below. Because I'm like, it can go in either direction, but we have to trust and this is a big deal for dating, that we are not making decisions while in a straight jacket in a padded cell. If you're in a straight jacket sitting in a padded cell. Okay, let's trust your emotions less. But if you're not and you're free amongst us, you're probably sane and well. And you wanting to bake them cookies is the right decision. It's not gonna be why you broke up, but you may break up. Okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. I love the exposure therapy. That was awesome.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You're welcome.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I think that was. I think that was perfect.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I. Thank you. I. I appreciate that. I'm happy we had to play it out.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Because Brad needs to see that his cookies are either the most wonderful thing he's ever done for someone or the most horrific thing that's ever happened to someone.

[Brian Russell Smith]

And maybe at least she'll always think of you when she has a chocolate.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Chip cookie, which I. I have gifts like that where I think of someone, I'm like, oh, my God. Oatmeal raisin has been ruined. Thanks again to our sponsor, Uber. No matter the occasion, courier on Uber makes it easy to show up even when you can't physically be there. Just open the Uber app, slide over the courier tab, select your delivery type, and let courier help deliver what matters. Maybe some breakup cookies. Yeah. Or love cookies.

[Alison Hammond]

Dearest gentle reader, this is Lady Alison Hammond, host of the official Bridgerton Podcast. I'll be sitting down for high tea and fancy bonbons with my favorite members of the Bridgerton cast like Luke Thompson and Yerin Ha, AKA Benedict and Sophie, Claudia, Jessie and Hannah Dodd, who play our beloved Bridgerton sister sisters Eloise and Francesca. I'll even be holding court with Queen Charlotte herself, Golda Rocheville and Mama Bridgerton, Ruth Gemmell. I'll also be chatting to some of the brilliant minds who bring the ton to life, such as showrunner Jess Brownau and TV legend Shonda Rhimes. You'll be able to watch our video episodes on Netflix right away. Meanwhile, audio episodes will debut weekly on Spotify and Apple and wherever you get your podcasts. So, gentle reader, don your finest attire and ready your heart for the official Bridgeton podcast.

[Brian Russell Smith]

If the Featherington carriage is a rocking.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Do not go a knocking.

[Alison Hammond]

It's a gala ball and you're all invited ta.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Going to do an icky or picky.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Let's do it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Icky or picky? That is the game where you're dating someone. You get the ick. Or is it a real ick? Or are you just being picky? You ready? J and J and Brian. I have an icky or picky. You get broken up with over your music taste. For context, my boyfriend of 10 months, dating seven months official, and I recently broke up. He said I'm a great partner and he felt so loved, but he couldn't get there because I am not as passionate about music. He said he recognizes I show up and I'm supportive of him. Went to all his classical and indie rock shows, but that he wants someone to be more invested in music. On our second date, we talked about how he was an indie rock guy and I was like, I listened to Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Sabrina Carpenter. He said it wasn't a deal breaker and made a main pop Girlies playlist for me. But here we are. So what do you think? Pop off. What do you think?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, I think she's got great music tastes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah. Nothing wrong with her taste.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No. And I think he kind of sounds like a loser.

[Jared Frank Freed]

He sounds a little bit elitist.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I mean, based on this story.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I think you ever broken up with someone based on something similar to this?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Oh, man.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like. And I. I can understand I can't be with someone that I can't share this thing with.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It does sort of seem like she Is sharing it with him, though.

[Jared Frank Freed]

She tried. I mean, right? There was compromise here.

[Brian Russell Smith]

There's the whole thing of, like, opposites attract. Is it true? I think in this case, I. I'm more interested in. In someone who is passionate about something and sharing that passion with me. And she seems like she was trying to do that, but it seems like he might just, like, want, like, a fan versus a girlfriend. I don't know.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Went to all his classical and indie rock shows. Like, is he a audience at a classical or is he in the indie rock? It seems like he. She would have said he plays in a band if it was that he. When you go to a classical. I. A classical and indie rock, there is an elitism to this group of people. Like, there are people that are so into music and it is their passion, but it is weird to be like, I can't be with someone who doesn't understand it if you're trying to understand it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, so I. I am into indie rock.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Excuse me.

[Brian Russell Smith]

So, like. But my husband is not.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You know what I mean? And so a few months ago, there was this band called the Format playing.

[Jared Frank Freed]

In the city, and I like their older stuff.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Yeah. I went and I went by myself.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Because I was like, I'm gonna enjoy this. You're not. Don't come with me, because I don't want to listen to you and complain about, like, how annoying this is.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You know, and then for me, on the flip side. On the flip side, he's a huge. Like, he likes to go to plays, and I cannot stand a play for the life of me. Like, oh, no, Shakespeare, please. No, he goes to Shakespeare. Shakespeare goes to, like, fellow.

[Jared Frank Freed]

He's sitting there.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Not to be.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I went and I fell asleep. I fell asleep in the theater. I don't think he noticed, but I did the thing where you're like, head rocks, and I did, like, one really hard one, and I was like, I think I just need to get up and go outside. I just, like, stood in the lobby for a little bit. But I think, like, a good relationship is, like, acknowledging that, you know, sometimes you're gonna have different, like, tastes and just, like, letting it happen.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Would you ever break up with someone because of their music taste?

[Brian Russell Smith]

No, but I would break up with someone if they, like, had a very strong negative opinion about my music tastes. You know what I mean? Like, if someone was like, oh, I hate Taylor Swift because, I don't know, I just hate her. And I'm like, well, then you're not a very Informed person.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I'm with you. I love when someone loves something.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Then I tend to, like, learn about the lore, the nuance. Like, anytime I've been with, like, a Taylor Swift fan, and then I find out about the drama behind the Taylor Swift fandom I'm in. It's a Marvel Easter egg.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Like, I. Someone who loves something, and I love Taylor Swift. Like, she's actually, you know, the background on my phone right now.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Look at that. There she is, just pointing at you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Like, you can do it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Did you go to a bunch of the. Did you go to a bunch of the.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I went to three ERAS tours.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Three.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Three ERAS tours. Which.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Which cities?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I did New York, Philly, and then I did Madrid.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Beautiful. I mean, the Madrid one. You must have been in heaven.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It was amazing.

[Alison Hammond]

It was hot.

[Brian Russell Smith]

As people kept, like, passing out, but, like, straight up. And she'd be like a. Like, like, pointing out into the audience, like, help, but like, like, so my husband, not a huge Taylor Swift fan, respects her. Like, he's like, oh, she's a talented, strong, smart young woman. But, you know, sometimes I'll be like, can we just. Can we please change. Change the song. Change the. Change the channel.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Which is fine.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Enough's enough is different than I hate the exact love. Like, to me, like, you love Taylor Swift. If anyone's response to that is, I hate Taylor Swift, like, that's kind of like saying, I hate ketchup. Like, we've all decided. Yeah, it's pretty good.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Like. Like, you don't have to put on your burger, but you can't deny that it's not good.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. You can't deny that it should be on every table when a burger is being.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So, yeah, it is picky.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

But I, you know, based on the specifics of this email, I kind of have, like, a diagnosis, you know, like, if they're, like, questioning what the. Because we're getting this from the other side.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

We're not getting it from the person who had the ick.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

To me, their email to us, the mail, the guy writing in to us, their email would be very different than the one that she's sending. Because what we're saying is you could have different interests. It would be extremely picky to dump someone based off of. They could never understand even though they're trying.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's picky.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That's picky.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

The. What I would say to them, based on the particulars, I would say this is like, this speaks to my straight male soul. 10 months in. Now you got to make a decision. What are we doing?

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's true.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Ten months in is the number. Ten is the number where you got to go from. You got to meet the family, you got to do the serious stuff. You got to be in a relationship. You have to, then if you're going to end it, have a reason.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And for a lot of people, there's no good reason. So they stuck to this elitist view of music and they sold it to you. Yeah, I don't think that's the reason they broke up.

[Brian Russell Smith]

It's probably not. Yeah, it's probably an excuse, but I, I, it's probably good that he did it when he did it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. This is the thing that the 10 month, whatever the reason someone gives you a 10 months, I, I would, like, just take it and, and, and go. I guess you can use that as your parting gift to talk about at the brunch table and, yeah, and, and break down in the way we're breaking it down here. But, like, the reality is I can't see a scenario where someone doesn't enjoy the things that I love, but it is trying where I'm like, well, get out of here. You got no air for the classics. Like, that's a crazy reason to end it with something. Yeah, I'm with you too. I love when someone I date has things like, I love when they have a passion, an interest. Stuff they don't need me to do.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Teach me. Show me the world.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I want to be Jasmine on the blanket. You show me your world.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, yeah. And otherwise, like, what are you gonna talk about? Also, this is what friends are for. You know what I mean?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, right, right, right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I think so often in these situations, you try, you think that, like, oh, your partner should be everything. It's like, no, you, you need to have, like, other people in your life.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. When men want to get out of relationships with women, they tend to turn themselves into the most crazy version of someone that doesn't really exist.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So what you do is you, you create a straw man. You turn yourself into the straw man. So he's saying, I am so into music, the person I'm with has to be as into music and classicals and indie rock bands as I am, or I could never live. And that's just not human beings.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. This is like the op, like 500 days of summer, but the opposite, you know?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. Let's do another email. We have an advice email. We have a screenshot. We love a screenshot. Brian, you want to read it to us?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Hi. J and J. Longtime listener and subscriber. Come into Jared's show in Vancouver and congrats. Or Jordana and Mike and Ronnie on their baby girls.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Amazing. Love it. Vancouver. I'm coming to Vancouver. Tempe. I'm also going to. This is coming out. The fourth. I am coming out. Or the sixth. New York City. New York City. We're doing a show. Toronto. Very few tickets left. Let's go.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'm looking.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Oh, la. Sorry.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You're good.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Los Angeles. I'm doing a show in LA for the Netflix as a joke festival. Come, come, come.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Basically anywhere.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Anywhere.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Everywhere.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Everywhere.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Jaredfree.com at the same time, I'm looking.

[Brian Russell Smith]

For advice on when and how to disclose having herpes to a potential partner. I was diagnosed about a year ago and chose to be upfront because it weighs on me if I'm not honest.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Recently, I told someone on a first date, the date was going really well, and we ended up back at his place. Since sex felt like a real possibility, I told him I have herpes. He said he didn't know much about it. So I explained what I've learned and offered to send an article and podcast that helped me. I couldn't tell if he was turned off or just uninformed.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Probably more uninformed. Like, at this point, uninformed is probably because I would say with most herpes talk, it's really just uninformed.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, I don't think, like, any. Like, we're all aware it's out there. We're all aware that, like, you know, anytime you get, like, a cold sore.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, that's herpes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Someone goes, oh, that's herpes. And you're like, well, what? Like, should I change my whole life around? And then. And then the doctor, you say to the doctor, and they go, no. Yeah. They go. They literally tell you it's nothing.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Just don't kiss anyone.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Unless they have. Unless you want to give them herpes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, unless that's your goal. Yeah, that's. But I'm saying, like, even the doctors, seemingly, because I've. I've had the conversation with the doctor, I go, what should I do here? Anything. You know, Like, I. You know, sometimes I get, like, a culture and, like, the d. The depths of my mouth, they go, no, that's inside. That's different. And you go, okay, yeah. So I. And they. And they look at you. They go, continue on.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, basically. Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And so with this stuff, and you get kind of Sweaty talking about it because you don't want to. You know, someone is dealing with it in this, in the way this person's dealing with it. And you go, okay, I don't want to have to. So it is uncomfortable, but we fear what we don't know.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So let's, let's go to the E. Text. We'll read the text. You be, I guess I can be the lady. You be the lady.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'll be here.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Okay. Go for it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Good night.

[Jared Frank Freed]

There's still an hour left in this movie.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Lol. Good thing you're not tired. Also, here's that podcast. This was also really helpful for me. I hope that you'd still like to see me again. I had a really great time with you and I'd love to get to know you more. And then no answer the next day.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Talk about a text you'd want a response from.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, at least a thumbs up would be great.

[Jared Frank Freed]

A thumbs up would actually make me, you know, run into traffic. I, I, hey, here's this information about herpes. Would love to see you again. Thumbs up. Cool.

[Brian Russell Smith]

So she, she followed up the next day. Hi, I hope you're having a good day. Would love to know your thoughts on the above. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and maybe a touch embarrassed.

[Jared Frank Freed]

He writes.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Hi.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Thanks. You too. Hope you're having a good day. You too. Oh, and the other stuff that you're very vulnerable about, I just got back from a forest run with, with Odin. I guess that's his dog.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, or he's like a, I mean, like a Viking.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. We got Thor riding back, but talk about a type of a forest run with my dog Odin. I, I'm literally looking at what this guy looks like and running some errands. I'll stream that podcast today. No acknowledgment of her vulnerability? No. You know, this is a tough text back. There's going to be a point. And I would say to this person, like, I can't tell them how to feel if I text someone, hey, this thing that's really important to me that I brought up on the date. I do like you and would love to see a future with you, and.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'm feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. Right.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And then they don't even acknowledge any of that or make me feel a little bit better, then I'm kind of turned off by that. And I think what she needs to hear is it's okay to be turned off, you know? The name of the podcast is Saw Bones the Herpes Thanksgiving Special. I Mean, this is like, see that Charlie Brown Christmas? I have herpes.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Saw Bones A Meta A Marital Tour of Misguidance Misguided Medicine. Well, I, I if they're doing the Misguided Medicine podcast, I think that's like a very great idea and worth listening to to add the plug city. Do we want to read the rest of it?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. So she wrote after I left, I texted saying I hope to see him again. Oh, we already talked about that. I'll just read it. After I left, I texted saying I hope to see him again. Since we had talked about another date, he probably the next afternoon after I followed up, didn't acknowledge what I said and hasn't mentioned the podcast or another date since. It's now been a couple of days, so I'm assuming he's not interested. Though it felt like we could have gone out again if this conversation hadn't happened. This was a very vulnerable moment for me and his reaction has added to the stigma I already feel. I'm wondering when the best time to have this conversation is. Is it better to bring it up early once things get physical, or wait until you know someone a bit better? Looking forward to your advice on the subject. Thanks. A herpes up batch.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, I want to thank her for writing in. This is a tough thing to write in about. I, I hear her. If I sent a similar text and it got no acknowledgment and was kind of like left, left there hanging. Yeah, I would feel similarly. How do you feel about this?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I feel like she did the right thing of telling him up front, especially if she feels concerned about it. I think talk to your doctor probably because I know, I feel like there's different cases where you are like more likely to pass it versus not depending if there's a flare up. But like, I think she kind of went overboard. You know what I mean? Like you can say like, hey, just a heads up, I have herpes. There's no chance of you getting right now. We'll use a condom. Everything should be fine. But I just wanted to give you the heads up.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Let me ask you a question. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No, I'm just. And then. But I think like a podcast, an article is kind of a like you're giving him homework.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I had the same thought.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I, I, if I received homework from a first date.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Any form. Hey, read this book I've been thinking about. Did you read the book? I'd be like, get this away from me. My God. It wouldn't matter what it was about. Did you read up? If someone follows up on the reading they brought up on a first date, I am like, unless I really like them.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Here's the thing. You can't fuck it up. That's the real thing about dating. And this is the. No one talks about this because a lot of dating podcasts would have to end right then and there. There is no way to screw up if someone feels a connection to you. You and your husband are 19 years apart. There was no way to screw it up. You went up to him. Can I. Did you find my jacket?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

There was no way to screw that up. It was un. Fuck up.

[Unidentified Female Host/Guest]

Able.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And, you know, I hate to, like, start anything, but, like, you know, Tinks, who we've had on this podcast years ago, she has this thing called the box theory. And I really don't like it because I think.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I don't know what that.

[Jared Frank Freed]

The box theory is. Men meet you and decide right away whether they want to fuck you or date you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Okay.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And they put you into one box or the other. I think it's a demeaning way to be given advice. I think it actually takes away the other side of the story. I think it. I think it also, if you're living that way, like, I don't think men generally, genuinely. I don't think most people. I think that's like an evil way to look at someone.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I also don't think men are that deep.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, that's my point.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

They'll still you while they want to date you.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So you've revealed nothing. Them wanting to you never goes away.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So this guy, you go, I got herpes, and I'll send you some information. Sure. He's gonna be nice on the date. He's gonna keep going, and then he's gonna go, do I like that person? It has nothing to do with the herpes. Do they like how you. You gave the message? Did it get a little awkward when you did? Because you're not really you. You're trying to process and go through it. You said, it's been a year, so maybe you're just not ready. Maybe you're not your full self. And again, what you said is correct. Like, if someone sent me a podcast and an article, I would think maybe they need a different way to, like, relay the information. I don't think they should stop being vulnerable.

[Brian Russell Smith]

No. Yeah, totally.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Like, I. I think, like, maybe we find a new way to. Here's the airplanes coming, you know, to feed it to people and like, you know, everyone needs to find out how to like explain.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

The, the baggage in their hands. Because we all have baggage in our hands.

[Brian Russell Smith]

The last thing I want to listen to is the herpes Thanksgiving special.

[Jared Frank Freed]

No, Y. Yeah, I, I'm out.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I, Yeah, I, I would see that title and be like, what?

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I don't give me like a bullet point from WebMD at least or something.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. And well, what you just said, hey, I'm not gonna to. You want to show confidence. I'm not going to give you herpes. I just want you to know because I think it's important that people know these things.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I'm not going to give it to you because I, you know, honestly, you have to be so read up on it yourself that you can confidently, you know, give the information to others.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Well, that's like in the gay community obviously, HIV prominence or much more before. But now there's prep and there's also like people who are HIV positive who are on medication, who can't transmit it even if they tried. But like, so it's just, it's just saying those basic easy things like this is what it is and if I want to do more research about it, I will.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, that's the other thing about the gay community with hiv. Like they got so read up on it.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know, I think that was like the power of like the movement so to speak is like every, you know, the prep and the fact that, you know, hey, this is what people take and these are the versions. And this is you have no way and, and you knowledge is power. Like now we're a dare episode now, you know, now it's Nickelodeon here.

[Brian Russell Smith]

But like, I mean I'm not on the apps but I know that they'll be like on prep in their bio. You know what I mean? Or like, or they'll say like positive non transmittable.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You know. Always been my envy of the gay community is. This is my, my true envy is that. And it's again, it's male, female stuff because it's not gay. Not gay. Yeah, it's male, female. Because if I could put in my profile my exact type of woman. Like you guys are like, I'm looking for an otter. What's an otter?

[Brian Russell Smith]

Otter. He points at Joe.

[Jared Frank Freed]

No, skinnier, hairier guy. A skinny hairy guy. That is how this is. I mean this should tell people about, like this is. This should tell people about the male. You know, like search for sex is. It is specific. There are types, but we're not allowed to Have a type. I'm not allowed to have a type as a man because I would look like I was being disgusting.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I would say that those.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I was like, I like thinner, hairier women.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I would say, though, those men are typically looked at douchier than others.

[Jared Frank Freed]

The ones that put their type out.

[Brian Russell Smith]

There, they're, like, super specific. Like, if they're like, no fats, no femmes, like, that's like, fuck that guy.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, there's. But there. You have invented a classier way to communicate.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. Yeah. But I will say there is, like, I, I do get when someone's like, I prefer fit people because I am a fit person, but I guess you can't really even do that in the straight community.

[Jared Frank Freed]

No, I like curvier women.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, there you go.

[Jared Frank Freed]

You can't say that.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

What's. You know, it becomes this thing of.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Like, you could buy a T shirt that says it at the Jersey Shore.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right.

[Brian Russell Smith]

But you can't put it in your dating app profile.

[Jared Frank Freed]

This is my envy of the gay community. And I, I think it translates to the prep stuff and an hiv. I think it be. And there's not this, like, stepping on, you know, the. There's a tiptoe that goes on with straight relationships that I think we'd be better off if we did it a little bit more like the, you know.

[Brian Russell Smith]

LGBTQ plus honest communication.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right. That's right. Right Back to it. But so to this person, like, I think how they said it, they could work on their speech.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

The fact they said it. Good for you. Vulnerability is great. There will be someone. And again, to go back to that box theory, like, well, he doesn't. You know, I think it's just. You didn't get along.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And I, I, I. It's hard for me to tell them how to feel because I'm sure they.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Feel like, yeah, I think they did the right thing, though. And, I mean, at least you're putting yourself out there.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah. And let's. Let's. I think, working on the speech.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

And how you tell people about it. That's always helpful. It's helpful for me if, like, if I was with someone that said to me, like, just gonna give you the rundown.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah. And confidently, like, not right. I'm so embarrassed by this.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Hey, you know, like, like, listen to this podcast. Give me your takeaways.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I don't know. Maybe I'll miss something.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Maybe he's like, oh, damn, she. She has herpes.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Wow.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

That's like the way my dad would imply it. He'd be like, oh, but in a good way.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I would say, I would take it.

[Jared Frank Freed]

In a good way.

[Brian Russell Smith]

I'm taking a good way.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Right?

[Brian Russell Smith]

I don't know.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Well, yeah, I want to know that you fuck. But also like, I want to know we're all okay. Which, yeah, generally we're all okay.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So, Brian, this was great.

[Brian Russell Smith]

This is awesome. Thank you so much for having me.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So happy to have you on Go follow, follow, follow all in the description of this episode.

[Brian Russell Smith]

All your also, I'm on a show. I bet you it's called Bach's Video Club. It's a, it's a fun like, recap of like your favorite nostalgic and current movies and TV shows.

[Jared Frank Freed]

I love a movie TV show show because a podcast like that Batches Video Club. Everyone should go subscribe. Just so you know, even if you're like, I don't know, maybe one day I'll listen. Just subscribe, get your stuff. So it's in your Rolodex. When for the if and when. When you need a show, we give.

[Brian Russell Smith]

You the synopsis, we give you a lot of fun facts. It's a lot of fun banter. It's not, it's. It's like basically a comfort watch in this, like dark, dark times.

[Jared Frank Freed]

Yeah. I mean, also, it's great that you can go through their catalog and see a movie TV show that you've been kind of wanting to watch. You're like, who would I talk about this with? Well, you go watch it now. You talk about it with Betches, but you don't have to talk at all.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Yeah, there you go.

[Jared Frank Freed]

So everyone go listen to the Betches Video Club. I'm Jared Freed. We'll be back next week.

[Brian Russell Smith]

Boom.

[Jared Frank Freed]

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