He Fights Dirty With His Family—Will He With Me? ft Matteo Lane

Summary

U Up? Podcast – He Fights Dirty With His Family—Will He With Me? ft. Matteo Lane

Date: February 18, 2026
Hosts: Jared Freid (filling in for Jordana Abraham, on maternity leave)
Guest: Matteo Lane, comedian
Main Theme: Navigating conflict in relationships and families—especially when toxic patterns are passed down—plus dating woes, the art of stand-up, and listener dilemmas on modern romance.

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes comedian Matteo Lane for a lively, candid deep-dive into family dynamics, modern dating, and how learned fighting styles (especially explosive, low-blow family arguments) bleed into romantic relationships. Alongside hilarious stand-up origin stories and insight into the comic's life, Jared and Matteo dig into listener emails about unhealthy conflict, affection mismatches, cosmetic surgery reveals, and more messy, relatable moments from the dating trenches.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Stand-Up Comedy Origins & Community

(00:30–13:46)

• Matteo and Jared reminisce about their "comedy training grounds," painting an evocative picture of nights at the Duplex and Creek in the Cave, the grind, and the kinship among comics.
• Matteo recalls the opera joke—a signature that made people remember him early on.
• They reflect on how few people stick with comedy: “What actually shocks me the most is just the amount of people that are gone. Like, it’s like a 90% attrition rate.” – Matteo (05:01)
• The conversation spotlights the unique culture among comedians: “When we go to a party, you go to a party with no comedian there... it’s a little brutal.” – Matteo (07:18)
• Notable Quote:
  Matteo: “No one cared [in comedy]… they remembered my opera joke or what I was working on.” (12:07)

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2. Coming Out & The New York Dating Scene

(08:21–13:46, 18:35–19:57)

• Matteo recounts moving to NYC as a young, single, sensitive gay man and being overwhelmed by the aggressive pace of dating.
• Apps were daunting, dates often awkward, and only later did he find community among “the new Avengers” of queer comedy—Bowen Yang, Joel Kim Booster, and others.
• Reflects on insecurity when young and how stand-up offered an environment where being funny was the only currency that mattered.

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3. Family, Ethnicity, and Neuroticism

(18:35–19:57)

• Jokes about being Italian, Mexican, and/or Jewish, and how these backgrounds breed colorful family dynamics and neuroses.
• Commentary on the unique flavors of cultural anxiety—a recurring theme for Jared and guests.

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4. The Comic's Life – Touring, Fans, and Social Media

(14:17–16:28)

• Both lament fans who complain they missed tour dates or act as if comics can control everything:
  “As if I‘m sitting there with a map in generals being like, ‘Paris. Those blundering idiots…’” – Matteo (16:28)
• They joke about sending relatives to literally knock on doors to sell tickets.
• Inside-baseball on the anxieties of selling out shows, hometown performances, and navigating the late-buying market for tickets.

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5. Listener Email #1: Fighting Dirty Like His Family

(22:20–33:36)
A listener asks about her boyfriend's toxic family style—arguments that get personal, low-blow, and even involve family members lobbing cruel, untrue accusations.

Key Points:

• Matteo observes that the listener is “regulating two people’s emotions: her own and her boyfriend’s,” and that’s unsustainable. (24:17)
• The learned family style is to hurt, deflect, and never address real issues, which gets mapped onto romantic conflict.
• Jared draws parallels to his own upbringing:
  “Whenever there’s a compliment, I feel like I gotta put my finger in a hole that’s making the boat take on water...” (25:55)
• Both agree: She is developing anxiety and possibly “Stockholm Syndrome” from constant emotional volatility.
• Matteo’s advice: Stop taking ownership for his lack of coping mechanisms; his family needs “years of therapy.” (27:40)
• Jared: “I wouldn’t go to the family anymore. I can’t walk into a house where I might get hit with the most horrific things said about me.” (32:17)
• Consensus: She can only work on her relationship with her boyfriend; unless he learns new, healthy ways to handle conflict, this is a deal-breaker.

Memorable Quotes:

• “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” – Matteo (24:24)
• “She's creating a perpetual state of anxiety. She's in a situation that doesn't sound like it's benefiting her in any way.” – Matteo (27:09)

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6. Icky or Picky – The “Car Kiss” Dilemma

(43:35–52:27)
Listener writes in about a boyfriend who insists on kissing her every single time she gets in the car:

• Matteo jokes: “This woman is a nightmare!” (43:35), before quickly noting that he’d love all those kisses from his boyfriend.
• Jared and Matteo both home in on how the listener’s irritation seems more about incompatibility or affection preferences than logistics.
• Both joke about how different her problem is from the previous, more serious email. “Find another problem in your life...” – Matteo (45:34)
• Advice: Be honest with the boyfriend, communicate boundaries (e.g., “No more car kisses”), and acknowledge that mismatched affection is normal and not a crisis.
• But if the kisses are a symptom of a larger issue—she just isn’t that into him—it might signal incompatibility.

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7. Red Flag or Deal Breaker: The Hidden Tongue Ring

(54:15–62:28)
Listener dated a guy with a big, hidden tongue piercing. Is this a deal breaker?

• Jared: No tattoos but a tongue ring is such an odd combo—“the very small center of a Venn diagram.”
• Both debate the sexual and personality connotations of piercings and tattoos, agreeing it’s a personal preference rather than a red flag.
• Matteo, referencing his more open artistic/queer background: “I live in New York and I’m a homosexual. My best friends are drag queens. A tongue ring—this is nothing.” (61:33)
• Ultimately, subjectivity rules—the only red flag is being judgmental or prudish about harmless differences.

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8. Plastic Surgery & Disclosure – The Nose Job Freak-out

(68:30–73:00)
A young woman worries about her boyfriend’s anger after revealing (unintentionally) that she had a nose job years ago.

• Both hosts: The boyfriend’s angry and controlling response is alarming and a deal breaker, especially so early (2 months) into dating.
• Jared: “He doesn’t know how to break up with her, so he’s creating something out of nothing. And now he’s giving her a complex at 22 about whether she should have to disclose that she’s gotten a nose job.”
• “Making it her problem. That’s horrible.” – Matteo (70:16)
• Discussion about how bodily modifications are personal choices, and anyone who polices disclosure or shames a partner for them is a big red flag.

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9. Stand-Up, Body Image, & Generational Change

(39:07–42:00, 71:52–76:16)

• The hosts share comedic asides about body insecurity, Jewish/Italian family interference, and the changing vibe of the comedy landscape.
• Matteo talks about hair transplants and the freedom of the art school world: “When I die…do whatever, have fun. Have fun!” (59:01)
• Bits about baby moons, golf course ash scatterings gone wrong, and Art Institute of Chicago students using bodily fluids in art—illustrating a profound difference between the straight/comic and queer/art perspectives on boundaries and norms.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Matteo (24:24): “She is managing two people’s and regulating two people’s emotions. And that is an unfair position for her to be in in a relationship.”
• Jared (25:55): “Whenever there’s a compliment, I feel like I gotta put my finger in a hole that’s making the boat take on water...”
• Matteo (43:35): “[Car Kiss listener] is a nightmare! ... This woman will be raised to the high heavens at a gay bar.”
• Jared (45:52): “Or end it with him because you don’t like him that much. There’s a lot of nice people that I don’t want to date.”
• Matteo (61:33): “I live in New York and I’m a homosexual... a tongue ring—this is nothing.”
• Jared (70:16): “He doesn’t know how to break up with her, so he’s creating something out of nothing.”
• Matteo (70:16): “That’s horrible that he did that. That’s terrible.”
• Matteo (59:01): “When I die…do whatever, have fun. Have fun!”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Stand-Up War Stories & Community: 00:30–13:46
• Coming Out & NYC Dating: 08:21–13:46, 18:35–19:57
• Touring & Fans: 14:17–16:28
• Listener Email 1: Fighting Dirty with Family: 22:20–33:36
• Icky or Picky: Car Kiss Dilemma: 43:35–52:27
• Red Flag/Deal Breaker: Tongue Ring: 54:15–62:28
• Plastic Surgery/Nose Job Drama: 68:30–73:00

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Tone & Language

The vibe remains equal parts sharp-tongued, irreverent, and thoughtfully empathetic. The show skips therapy-speak for honest, practical advice—often wrapped in jokes or self-deprecation. Both hosts call back to their own upbringings, insecurities, and comic sensibility, with Matteo providing a distinctly gay New Yorker/artist/comedian lens.

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Summary for First-Time Listeners

If you missed this episode, know that you're in for a fast-paced, smart, and hilarious rollercoaster—equal parts personal, poignant, and peppered with take-no-prisoners advice on navigating modern dating, relationships, and emotional survival. The comedic banter is matched only by the refreshingly candid reflections on family, love, and self-worth.

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For More

• Matteo Lane Tour Info: matteolanecomedy.com
• Follow Jared & U Up? for updates on show dates, maternity leave co-hosting, and bonus content

Transcript

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[Mateo Lane]

When I was a kid, you like your family tree. And so, like, the question is, like, what does it mean to be blank? So for me, it was Italian. So I call my grandma, thinking, like, what does it mean to be Italian? I think she's gonna say, like, family, love, tradition, food. She goes, when everything's going right, something bad's gonna happen. So I write that down. I'm in third grade. Everything's going right. Something bad is gonna happen. My teacher's like, what? I was like, what's my nonsense?

[Jared Freid]

Hello, and welcome to the you up podcast.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I'm.

[Jared Freid]

I'm Jared Freed.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, I'm Liza Minelli.

[Jared Freid]

Thank you, Liza. And we are so excited to be here with Liza Matteo Lane. Thank you for coming on the show.

[Mateo Lane]

It's nice to be here. Jared.

[Jared Freid]

It is such a pleasure. You know, one of my favorites, my favorite people. I'm just so excited to be here with you. It's been a while since I've seen you.

[Mateo Lane]

I know, but we go way back.

[Jared Freid]

And you're now successful. Crushing it. Mato Lane. But, like, this is a get.

[Mateo Lane]

But are we at the age now a get? All right.

[Jared Freid]

Betches was like, can you get mat Lane? I was like, I'll text them. Do you know what I mean? Like, do you ever.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. My agent was like, what if you and Stavros did a show together and this and that, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I'll just text him and see if he's interested. He's probably not. You know, he just gave me Christmas cookies.

[Jared Freid]

But isn't it weird that we, like, you start in a bar? You and I, we meet at the Duplex in the West Village.

[Mateo Lane]

Was it Michael on the.

[Jared Freid]

Michael Brill?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Would be on the mic at the Duplex and he would, like, go back at you.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, it was like, he was usually funnier than.

[Jared Freid]

And he was hilarious. He is hilarious. You. You basically, you go, I remember any time at the Duplex, it was an open mic. And Wednesday nights, every Wednesday night, I would sign up and you'd be in a Bucket and Michael basically pull a name and he'd have a mic and he'd go, Jared Freed. And then if I said anything that was like somehow gay related, if I was like, man, it's so hard. And he's like, you're not the only one. And the whole bar, which was mostly gay, men would cackle like that. Like the whole bar, like. And it's like, you know, we meet there and it's like these training grounds, you know, like these ways to like figure out what's your voice, what are you going to talk about, you know, defending yourself against someone who's got a mic in their head, who's funnier than you, funnier than you, knows the joke better than you, the audience likes them more than you.

[Mateo Lane]

And he's got the easy job because he's waiting for you to say things that he can jump to the punchline or make a joke before you.

[Jared Freid]

Totally. And that's where I met you. I remember, you know, it's. I don't want to do the, you know, the. I know we're at that back in.

[Mateo Lane]

My day, but it's like, yeah, that was 2012 when I moved to New York. So 2012, we met.

[Jared Freid]

I remember you moved here and I'm already, I'm two years into doing standup, I'm getting on stage, you know, doing the open mics and stuff. And I remember you did your joke that I'll never forget. Everyone brings the opera joke and in the opera joke, you start singing. Singing opera.

[Mateo Lane]

First of all, no one knew who I was, so that makes it easier. Like I remember my first time.

[Jared Freid]

What an entrance. It's a sitcom entrance. It's a movie entrance for you to start singing. Actual Mateo is a trained opera singer.

[Mateo Lane]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

So the, the joke was you went into opera.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, because I. This is when no one knew who I was. So like the punchline made more sense then. But I would go up. I remember the first time I did it, the Creek in the Cave, which the Friday night Creek in the Cave mics were like the. Really? That was like kind of where you showcased your material, you've been working out, right.

[Jared Freid]

Because it was like the cool kid place to go. It was like that's where all the curmudgeon comedian open micros would kind of congregate. It's called the Creek in the Cave. Yeah, it is famous because Donald Glover kind of like that's kind of where he started.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And at the time was like. That was like where you go. Right?

[Mateo Lane]

So yeah, you go So I went up and I remember for some reason I was called in the first group group, which was very rare because they obviously rig it so it's like, have other friends go up. Suba was the first person to say hi to me. Hey, Suba. Shout out to her. And I go up and I just. I just go home and people kind of awkwardly clap. And then I go, that's a true story of how it came out to my dad.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. And it killed.

[Mateo Lane]

It killed.

[Jared Freid]

It killed.

[Mateo Lane]

It kind of like made people remember me, which is all you want at.

[Jared Freid]

That time, especially, you know, you get a reputation very quickly. Funny.

[Mateo Lane]

Not funny, right?

[Jared Freid]

You know, like, oh, that guy's funny. That guy. Whoa. He does that thing with the opera. That is funny. Because people. That's kind of. It's a lesson for life. I think stand up also, like, is a good way to learn about life and how people act and how people listen to you.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, you're thrown into a room with a bunch of people who are out of their minds. And, you know, you have to like, you, wherever you come from, whether you're from a fraternity or you're from art school or you're in business, like, you all kind of have to figure it out, right? And so it brings in very strange people together. What actually shocks me the most is just like, the amount of people that are gone. No one, like, it's like a 90%.

[Jared Freid]

Well, it's funny. You think of who's gone. I think of who's still going.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, of course I do.

[Jared Freid]

It's glass half full half. I know what you mean. If a name comes up that I go, wow, I, yeah, I remember that guy. I think, oh, my God, how hard is it to, like, keep. Figure it out and keep going? And then I think of, like, all the people that like. Especially when I meet someone who, like, loves comedy, right? And they go, you know, you know, and then name, name, name, name, name. And I'm like, yeah, yes, I, I do. And I remember a specific moment that no one else has.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, I.

[Jared Freid]

And I, I, I cherish it a little bit. Like, I, I, like, love it.

[Mateo Lane]

One of my first open mics ever was a 4pm mic at the Grizzly Pear. And it was me, Tim Dillon, and Michelle Wolf.

[Jared Freid]

A murderer, bro. Like, like, literally a would sell out a. A huge arena. And you know, and yeah, I, I had someone. Tim Dillon's a name that always comes.

[Mateo Lane]

Up of like, you know Tim Dylan, right? Do I know Tim, Right? Yeah. We were all the creek in the cave.

[Jared Freid]

We Were there. We were all doing it. So I'm just, you know, we could do this all day.

[Mateo Lane]

I would love to do this all day.

[Jared Freid]

I know there's names. I mean, we could bring up some names that, the names that quit. You kind of have that. That's a more fun conversation sometimes.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. When you're alone, you're like. Because there's some people I think about where I'm like, they were so, so talented. And I get it. Like when you're, when you first start out, it's exciting. You're in the community and you find your place. But then, then it does become work. Then you do have to, like, you.

[Jared Freid]

Have to acknowledge that you are trying to start a career while also having fun with this like, rag tag group of misfits that are fun. Interesting. Everyone has a story. Like, I was hanging at the Cellar last night and I'm like sitting at the table with like, you know, Neil Brennan and Caitlin Palufo. And like, I'm like, man, they're like, I can sit and listen to them.

[Mateo Lane]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

You know, like, I, I'm sitting. You know, when we go to a party, you go to a party with no comedian there.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm out.

[Jared Freid]

It's. It's, it's a little brutal.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm out. I. I have to be with another comedian.

[Jared Freid]

Well, because then you become, they go, how did you start? Why did you. What made you think you could become a comedian? And those are actually normal questions.

[Mateo Lane]

That's a nice thing to ask somebody.

[Jared Freid]

And then I'm like talking about it. I' and I'm in my head going, jared, shut the fuck up.

[Mateo Lane]

Because they don't care about the open mics, they don't care about this, they don't care about that. You know, but it's like the, the great thing about comedy too is like, in what other world would mean Keith Robinson be texting every day now? What Keith and I have ever met each other.

[Jared Freid]

And if you're hearing a name you don't know, let's just Google these people. Yeah, well, because they're a legend, Keith. A legend. If you don't know. But just Google these people. So, you know, like, if you, if you're curious because they're all hilarious and awesome, but Mateo's here today. We're going to answer some dating.

[Mateo Lane]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

I actually want to ask you a specific question. There's people listening right now. They've moved you because I remember you moving to New York. You got here and I remember you were like, single.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And like so there are people moving to a new city. What was your single experience? You get to New York a mess. A mess.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, first of all, I was like 125 pounds. I now weigh 170. So I didn't understand eating health because I was just doing stand up. So, like, I wasn't really eating and I was drawing and drinking too much coffee. Heartburn, you know? So I was like, you say that.

[Jared Freid]

As I'm burping up coffee. I'm like.

[Mateo Lane]

But it was like I was thrust into New York, gay. You know, dating you, that's got to.

[Jared Freid]

Be like, to be. To go. You were in Chicago before, but you're young, moving to New York. Like, that's what movies are made out of. Like, like, the idea of, like, I am in this experienced world of kind of like, we move quick, and it's a little bit like it seems from the outside of the gay community. Like, it's like, you know, I get to be the guy who's like, I don't know, I could. And then I'll see. Like, that's. It's got to feel, like, heartless a little bit.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, I just. I didn't know what to do because I was so obsessed with stand up. And so I was drawing all day for a job, and then I would do stand up at night. So to meet gay people. I mean, there was so few, really, in my life. I was just like, you go on the apps. And then, you know, I'm 25 and really sensitive, and people are, like, just so aggressive. And you don't.

[Jared Freid]

Aggressive is probably the word I was looking for.

[Mateo Lane]

I never got that. I never got a way in to, like, slowly adapt to, like, what being gay in New York was like for a really long time because I was at open mics and bar shows every night. So my only avenue of, like, dating was either, like, I remember, okay, Cupid. And I went on so many horrible dates. And then I remember, like, trying Grindr, and then it was just too intense. And then I was too scared. And then it's a three bear situation. No pun intended. Yeah, it just, like.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. It was horrifying. I went on a bunch of really bad dates.

[Jared Freid]

What was your welcome to gay New York moment?

[Mateo Lane]

My welcome to gay New York moment was. God, there. I don't. The. The papaya stand on 6th Avenue. No, I. You know what? Probably something like, going. When I really started having fun and found my own people, I would go to the duplex all the time.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

And Henry Kapersky, who's an amazing piano player. And him and I did a bunch of shows together at Joe's Pub. He would play piano with the Duplex on a Wednesday night and it would start at 9pm and end at 4am and so I would go there to be with Henry and like Joel Kim Booster would come or Bowen Yang would come or even call a Scola. Like there was a crew of these queer comics that were just starting to like find each other. John early and this is like the.

[Jared Freid]

New Avengers, you know, like, because there's like, you know, like there's history of gay comics.

[Mateo Lane]

There was a night one time where we all decided to go out. And if you think about it now, it was like me, Joel Kim Booster, John early, colescola, Bowen, Yang, Julio Torres, we all just decided we were just going to go out one night to a gay bar and dance. And it was like the only night we all decided to do it together. And it was one of the most fun nights ever. And then yeah, you blink. And Cole, they won a fucking Tony. And Joel Kim Booster's, you know, starring in films and Bowen's in Wicked. And you forget like I was at Wicked, the first Wicked and I saw it late and I texted Bowen and I was like, hey. I was like, I was like, I know this is a little late. I was like, but congrats on Wicked. Like, this is amazing. He was like, oh my God, thank you so much. Like, you know, I hope you're doing well. Let's see each other soon.

[Jared Freid]

These are the things you look back on. You're like, I can't believe. Right? And you like how another night like that couldn't happen. Everyone's too busy, everyone moves on life.

[Mateo Lane]

But I have to say I like that. I liked being busy. I actually like working. I like being busy and I like working towards something. And you know, I think when you're really young and you're insecure, at least in my situation I was. And I didn't have a lot of experience dating. I didn't have a lot of experience going out to gay clubs and stuff. I was always worried about how I looked or people judging me, this and that. And that was my own fears. You know, I had so much insecurity and hang ups. But the thing I liked about comedy is that no one cared. They remembered my opera joke or they, they thought about like what I was working on.

[Jared Freid]

Well, that's the beauty of we, that's what we want. We want people to go. That's funny. Like any compliment that diverts from that's funny. We're like offended, right? You know, it's like, it's like someone commenting on your video. Like, I'll put somebody on TikTok and they'll go, they'll mention someone in the background. What's that guy in the background doing? I'm like, it's like the worst feeling in the world. And we know when you're in an open mic and someone says that opera joke, man.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Wow. You're like, that is all I need.

[Mateo Lane]

That's the ug not to sound really old man right now. But also like that we didn't have any. There was, there was no posting jokes online. Right. The only thing, like keeping us going back was if an older comic that we respected said we were funny.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

That was it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Like, hey, I like that joke. I remember Kathleen Madigan.

[Mateo Lane]

I love Kathleen Madigan.

[Jared Freid]

She was, she came to the duplex when I, I went to this. I brought my grandmother to the duplex.

[Mateo Lane]

That's where you should bring your grandmother.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, she loved it. She was like, this is unbelievable. Yeah, I remember Kathleen Madigan, who is amazing. One of the, like an all timer.

[Mateo Lane]

I think she's hysterical. I could listen to her for hours. I've never met her, but I would.

[Jared Freid]

She's does. She's like one of the people that did theaters before comedians did theaters. Yeah, she did like the open mic at the duplex. And I remember I went up after her or something. I didn't even know who she was. She gave me a compliment that I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is like, okay, I'm good.

[Mateo Lane]

For the next two weeks.

[Jared Freid]

So we're going to do the emails. We're here with Mateo Lane, everyone, if you haven't already, go follow Matteo Lane everywhere, but also go to Mateo's show.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, yeah, I'm on tour right now.

[Jared Freid]

Mateo Lane, comedy.com go. Go see Mateo on the road. You will love the show. You will have a blast. You will cackle, you will laugh, your friends assemble the group chat. I'm on the road. I am going to be New York City this weekend. I'm doing Town hall second show. Get your tickets.

[Mateo Lane]

Congrats. Thank you very much.

[Jared Freid]

I'm very excited.

[Mateo Lane]

Town hall, when does this come out?

[Jared Freid]

This comes out February 11th.

[Mateo Lane]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

It does not. Okay, it does not come out February 11th.

[Mateo Lane]

It comes out the 18th.

[Jared Freid]

I've just done town hall, so I keep it in.

[Mateo Lane]

Town hall's at a great theater.

[Jared Freid]

I hope I sold out the second show. Please, God, please, comedy God, please Kathleen.

[Mateo Lane]

Mag mad worry about his ticket sales.

[Jared Freid]

It's all I think about because some.

[Mateo Lane]

Places are late buying markets and some buy right away. So it's like I'm going to be, you know, doing like a run of Indiana and Michigan and Texas and like they're late buying markets. Meanwhile, the Chicago theaters, you know, 70% sold. That's in May.

[Jared Freid]

That's right. And that's hometown show. Yeah. The. It is. It's funny. It's like, I want to support you get the tickets early. Like, I. How do I support you? I should come to a show. The support isn't going to the show. Or is this because we give you a night? Like we.

[Mateo Lane]

You were here.

[Jared Freid]

We're here. And we're queer and we're. And we're doing.

[Mateo Lane]

This is a comics. And I promise we're going to get to. I can feel the. But. But the worst thing a comic can ever do. And every comic has talked about this eight months in advance. Chicago theater. I'm coming to see you two months. Chicago. I'll be there. Chicago. We're half sold out. Chicago. We're getting there. Chicago. I'm there this week. Chicago. I'll be there tomorrow. Chicago. I'll see you tonight. Chicago. Thank you for an amazing show. One day later. So you're never going to fudgeing. Come to Chicago. It's always an attitude. Like, I'm doing three. Three Europe tours, right? Three. And I put out the first tour. Like, I'll see you guys in Helsinki immediately. Paris, we're not good enough for you, right? And I was like, why the anger? As if I'm sitting there with like a map in generals being like, Paris. Those blundering idiots.

[Jared Freid]

I'll never see them.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, what do you think I'm doing? I.

[Jared Freid]

It's. It's not that they missed it. We. We are not that into ourselves to think, how could you not keep up with my news team? It's the attitude.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's the.

[Jared Freid]

That's the part. How did you not tell me? I. You're not my cousin. I'm not going to Aunt Cindy. And. And. And right. Like, they act like you didn't knock on their door and you're their family member.

[Mateo Lane]

I have so many family members. I should actually just send them out to go knock on doors.

[Jared Freid]

They would. I'm sure they would.

[Mateo Lane]

What?

[Jared Freid]

You're not going to Mateo show.

[Mateo Lane]

My Anthony could sell a ticket. Just Im a tiny Mexican woman coming up to you forcing you to get a ticket. She could do it. I'm Telling you I would go.

[Jared Freid]

I go wherever she says to go. I'm, I'm listen, go see Mato. Okay. If you're listening right now, Vancouver, I'm going to be there. Seattle, Tempe, la, Los Angeles. Are you doing la?

[Mateo Lane]

I just did LA at the very end of my last tour. So I'll probably come back either in early 2027.

[Jared Freid]

I'm doing LA. I'm doing salt Lake City, Utah.

[Mateo Lane]

Love Salt Lake City is a. They've got and crazy Mormons. Whatever. They're great audiences.

[Jared Freid]

Great. Well, I think in Utah, what happens. Comedians do love. Tend to love Salt Lake. It's any town where you are front row for a crazy group that runs the town.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

The audiences are great. Right. So like it's like San Francisco and Portland are great because, like you have these like crazy, you know, liberal, like left of lefts and you have the normals that go to shows and they go, yeah, we've dealt with that and we get it right. We understand the negotiation of that.

[Mateo Lane]

I always assume, like Mormon. I know I don't know much about the warm religion besides Book of Mormon. When I go to Salt Lake City, I'm like, I wonder if they're going to come to the shows or enjoy it. Like, I'm gay. I don't know what that is in the Mormon religion.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

And then they're the best audiences I've literally ever had.

[Jared Freid]

They are really good. And I'm. It's been a while since I've been back, so I'm excited to go back. So I'm going to be in Salt Lake, I think at the end of March also. Mateo's here. We're pumped to have him. But our co host, Jordana Abraham Marinelli.

[Mateo Lane]

Is on maternity leave replacing one Italian for the next.

[Jared Freid]

Well, she's, she's, she's married to an Italian. Yes.

[Mateo Lane]

Marinelli.

[Jared Freid]

Marinelli. Abraham. Jewish Marinelli. We got a little.

[Mateo Lane]

She married in that child. The neuroses.

[Jared Freid]

Well, a lot of neuroses. Well, she's having, she's having twins. One via surrogate, one via her own and like around. Did I tell you this story? It's like a crazy.

[Mateo Lane]

No, but I imagine that combination is just like. Because my mom's Mexican Italian. I've seen what that's done to people, right.

[Jared Freid]

Jewish, Italian. It's like, how did that person leave the house? Like, they just can't just know. Leaving the house and just cooking sauce. So Jordana, we're going to get updates from her on benefits, so sign up for you up with benefits. You get five bucks a month, two extra podcasts a month. You're going to hear from Jordana and what's going on with her new mom life and the, and the birth and all that stuff. So we want you to sign up also the birth.

[Mateo Lane]

Funny thing to hear. I'd be like, we'll hear about the birth. We'll, we'll check in about the birth. Jiminy Glick asked that one time to Lou Julia Louis Driver said, and how was the birth? She goes, well, they were C sections.

[Jared Freid]

So we're going to hear about the C sections or the births. Yeah, go sign up for benefits so we can hear from Jordan and get some updates.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. February is full of flowers, candy, stuffed animals and of course, lots of talk about relationships and love. It can be a lot. Whether you're dating, single, married or just focusing on you. No matter what your love story is, therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be. Obviously, on this show we talk about dating and relationships all the time. It's pretty much all we do. But at the end of the day, we're not licensed professionals. We're just podcast hosts. We have mics and we have fun talking about it. So if you're looking for someone, someone with a real legitimate degree who's going to be able to help you navigate your relationships, figure out how to be in a healthy relationship, can't recommend better help enough. There's so many things to figure out in terms of relationships that I personally have found so helpful to talk through with my therapist. I think it's been such a great tool for me. I get an objective person to really help me hash out all sorts of things so that I can have a healthy relationship. With over 30, 000 fully licensed therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored rex. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com UUP that's better. H E-L-P.com UUP dearest gentle reader, this.

[Podcast Promo Voice]

Is Lady Alison Hammond, host of the official Bridgeton podcast cast. I'll be sitting down for high tea and fancy bonbons with my favourite members of the Bridgerton cast like Luke Thompson and Yerin Ha, AKA Benedict and Sophie Claudia, Jessie and Hannah Dodd, who play our beloved Bridgerton sisters, Eloise and Francesca. I'll even be holding court with Queen Charlotte herself, Golda Rocha, Val and Mama Bridgerton Ruth Gemmell. I'll also be chatting to some of the brilliant minds who bring the ton to life, such as showrunner Jess Brownow and TV legend Shonda Rhimes. You'll be able to watch our video episodes on Netflix right away. Meanwhile, audio episodes will debut weekly on Spotify, Apple and wherever you get your podcasts. So gentle reader, don your finest attire and ready your heart for the official Bridgerton podcast.

[Mateo Lane]

If the Featherington carriages are rocking, do.

[Jared Freid]

Not go a knocking.

[Podcast Promo Voice]

It's a gala ball and you're all invited.

[Mateo Lane]

T.

[Jared Freid]

Okay, let's do some emails. You ready? Hi J and J and M Love the pod. Wanted to get you to his input on a current situation. I'm 31, have been dating my boyfriend 36 for 5 years. Over the years I had noticed when we get into fights my boyfriend would tend to make low blow comments or name calling many times unrelated to the argument at hand. Just to be hurtful. We have talked about the serious effects that can have on our relationship and he actively works on this. However, over the years I've come to realize this is how his family fights with each other. My boyfriend comes from a loving family, so kind and welcoming, but when they fight, they fight.

[Mateo Lane]

So he's Italian?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Any Any secret you may have told this is crazy. Any secret you may have told when confiding in someone gets thrown out in front of others, in some instances the low blows have been at my his sister has said my boyfriend cheats on me in front of me while they were fighting, which is not true. We'll see another time. His mom has said in front of me he doesn't want to marry me, which is also untrue.

[Mateo Lane]

She's answering her own question.

[Jared Freid]

This is horrific. Yeah, because we had spoken about this prior. There are things he wants to work on with himself prior to marriage, which I understand. You can't say. The mom says he doesn't want to get married and then we're not married. But he does like. You sound like the the mom who like believes anything their kid says. We have a strong and trusting relationship so I don't let these comments bother me. Especially after realizing they all will say anything just to hurt each other. I try to focus on a relationship and honestly ignore the rest of for my own sanity. Lol. My boyfriend and I My boyfriend and I have spoken about how damaging his family's comments could be, especially if we were in a bad or delicate spot with each other. How much responsibility does my boyfriend have to protect me from his family's toxic fighting style? Especially when those comments directly involve you and your future together. How do I help him fight fair when we don't agree? Very interested to hear your thoughts. Advice on how you guys would navigate a situation like this. Signed caught feelings, not straight.

[Mateo Lane]

She is managing two people's and regulating two people's emotions. And that is an unfair position for her to be in in a relationship.

[Jared Freid]

Who are the two people her, her.

[Mateo Lane]

And her boyfriend saying? How do I help him fight fair when we don't argue? Do you see what I'm saying? Like, she's trying to say, we are doing this, we are doing that, we are doing this. That's his responsibility to come to you. Read relationship. So if your boyfriend is saying low blow comments and going after you and you constantly forgive and say, well, we are working on it, that is not your responsibility. It sounds like she's carrying a lot of emotional weight for the both of them. And to be honest with you, when someone shows you who they are, believe them, right? And it doesn't sound like he has any coping mechanisms when it comes to conflict. And so instead of actually grounding himself with her, he's doing low blows because he's basically saying, don't make me confront myself. Get away from me. And it's a very unhealthy way of dealing with.

[Jared Freid]

Well, she says he's working on it. Do.

[Mateo Lane]

I don't believe it. This whole family sounds like a goddamn mess.

[Jared Freid]

This family. This is like my worst case scenario. Like, you know, I, I actually relate to this on a weird level because this happens to me. Anytime someone compliments me and my dad's around, he takes away the compliment. It's like a, it's like my, Especially about my body. Like, if someone was like, jared, you working out? He's like, he's working on his E.

[Mateo Lane]

I shouldn't laugh at that. But it's kind of a funny punchline.

[Jared Freid]

It's a very fun. It's always funny.

[Mateo Lane]

But that's the problem.

[Jared Freid]

So, But I get like. So when I hear someone, like, I see the compliment coming out of someone's mouth, I like run to hide. It's like, you know when someone takes out a BB gun and you're like, whoa, don't point it at me.

[Mateo Lane]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

When someone comes out and goes, jared, looking good. Like, I'm like, whoa, he's Gonna pop out of the ceiling and be like, looking, I don't know about those titties.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, look, I'm not saying it's all right that your dad is saying that.

[Jared Freid]

But I get it because I can understand. You go to the family house and if any tremor, it's got to affect her anxiety, like in the way it affects my anxiety when a compliment comes and I'm like, oh, oh, when's the fat comment coming? Like, now I got to hear what people really think. Like, it almost opens up my dad to tell me what he really thinks. Like the, the idea. Like I, I just like, like when she says, the mom says he's never gonna marry you. The, the wife, the sister says, cheating, cheating. I, I, and for her to go, well, that's not true. Where'd it come from then? Yeah, when my dad says, well, I think you got, you know, you could lose 30 when someone gives me a compliment. Maybe it's not 30, but it's 10. Like.

[Mateo Lane]

That'S called Stockholm syndrome.

[Jared Freid]

Right, But I'm saying she's probably developing that.

[Mateo Lane]

Of course, she's creating a perpetual state of anxiety. She's in a situation that doesn't sound that it's benefiting her in any way.

[Jared Freid]

But I, that's what, that's what I think. She's not translating to the boyfriend. She asks about the, what's his responsibility to take care of me when I go to the family. Because she's not even asking about the boyfriend. She's thinking, I'm handling the boyfriend, but I can't handle the family.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And it's like, I don't know, this is like so deep rooted that, like, this is like years of therapy that needs to happen here.

[Mateo Lane]

And also I think like group therapy for the family too. But it really does, it does sound to me like she's regulating a lot of other people's emotions. And it doesn't sound like she even is going to have the space to hold it for herself. She's going to start resenting everybody around her.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Well, that's, you're right because, and I'm going back to my own feelings with the, with the, with the compliments. Whenever there's a compliment, I feel like I gotta put my finger in a hole that's making the boat, you know, take on water. And it's like there's a point where if she goes to a big family event, I'm sure she's trying to calm everyone down just so she doesn't hear what everyone really thinks about Her. That's why she's writing to us.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, this is actually stress.

[Mateo Lane]

It's also like stepping into, like, an unsafe environment. If it's affecting your. Your, your own relationship, it's affecting how you view your relationship. I know she says it doesn't. You know, they fight, but obviously if you wrote it, it does affect you. So my, My guess is you're dealing with a hostile family and you're dealing with a boyfriend that has no coping mechanisms. And you're trying to make.

[Jared Freid]

What would be a coping mechanism?

[Mateo Lane]

Like, well, like, well, when he's getting angry or she's confronting him with something he should not act on. Let me be as mean as I possibly can or say the thing that I know is going to hurt her because you have to hear intention. Now, I don't know what her conflict style is, but if she's saying something to him, let's just say she's presenting something to him that is, that's justified. Hey, you know when we went out to dinner and you were on your phone the whole time? You know that that bothers me because it makes me feel like you don't want to be there. And it also looks rude in front of our friends. Let's just.

[Jared Freid]

Your left titties look smaller than your right titty.

[Mateo Lane]

Exactly.

[Jared Freid]

Right. It has nothing to do.

[Mateo Lane]

So now he's gone. That he's deflected. He's saying, I'm not gonna listen to what you're saying about it. And then.

[Jared Freid]

Well, that's the only thing I, I. What would be the meanest thing you.

[Mateo Lane]

Could say to your girlfriend? Right.

[Jared Freid]

But that's titties.

[Mateo Lane]

He goes for a low blow.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

And then. So now she's stuck there. And now suddenly she's in defensive mode. She has to defend herself from this mean thing that he said to her. So now it's off of him. And he can. He's more comfortable with the deflection and arguing because that's the family that he comes from. So now we have another argument about something else. Because her feelings are hurt. He has to reassure her. But we've never actually gotten to the crux of the situation, which is, is the, the beginning of it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And. And now she's rationalizing. Well, he only sees my titty from.

[Mateo Lane]

That angle.

[Jared Freid]

Because that's what she's doing with the family.

[Mateo Lane]

She's going, well, they.

[Jared Freid]

They made that up. And he sure said that he's cheating.

[Mateo Lane]

Sure, the mom says we're never gonna get married, but anyway, so I like no, that's a big red flag, right? If I went over to, like, you know, if I'm her and I go to my boyfriend's house and my mom. His mom is like, like, oh, he's never gonna marry you. And this is like, he's cheating on you. I would call. My mom said, ma, this is a crazy house and these people are unwell. I think I gotta get out of this.

[Jared Freid]

What does she do for work? No.

[Mateo Lane]

H and R. H, R block.

[Jared Freid]

H and R block.

[Mateo Lane]

H, R, H and R block.

[Jared Freid]

H and R block Accountant. And yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

So she's really busy in, like, March.

[Jared Freid]

A lot of season? Seasonal.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. She only gets off during weird times ever. She's. It's always busy, always a deadline.

[Mateo Lane]

Not H and R block.

[Jared Freid]

H and R block. Yeah. She's retail accounting, which is the worst form of accounting.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

That's like the one I would want to do. Least you have to deal with someone coming up with a shoebox.

[Mateo Lane]

Hi. This is the past year. I'm of installation artist.

[Jared Freid]

You. You would have loved. I went to the pharmacy in. In Boca at Costco. That is like a mad lib for, like, the pharmacy at Costco in Boca. And this guy cut the whole line. Like, I was waiting in line. He just walks in front of the whole line with his phone on speaker. He goes, doctor, talk to her. It was like the most amazing. Like, I think of people like you because I'm like, Mateo would just scream. Scream.

[Mateo Lane]

I've become such a New Yorker.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, in such a way. If that happened to me, believe you me, I'm fighting.

[Jared Freid]

Just fucks up, throw them up.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm fucking fighting.

[Jared Freid]

This guy was like 100. A guy next to me goes, getting old. Sucks, huh?

[Mateo Lane]

Like, what is this?

[Jared Freid]

Stop talking to me. So, okay, I think if I'm this woman, what, you know, she works at HR Block.

[Mateo Lane]

She joined the witness protection program.

[Jared Freid]

You think run away from this boy?

[Mateo Lane]

I think, in my opinion, I don't know this woman. And this is based off an email. I don't know what of this is true. If the situation is as she's written, I say, I think it's time you look up and say, this is unhealthy for me and this is also not benefiting me. Go work on yourself. We're on a break.

[Jared Freid]

Break.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And I wouldn't. I actually wouldn't go to the family anymore. I can't walk into a house where I might get hit. She even writes in her sign off, caught feelings, not strays. So the strays are exactly what I would say to him. I would go, I go to this house and I have to worry that I'm going to hear the most horrific things said about me that I could ever imagine. Do you understand what that does to my anxiety? And if you can't understand that and you can't talk to the family and figure out a new argument style, then I can't really be around that 100%.

[Mateo Lane]

And she has every right to do it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. She does have a right. I'm not one to be like, like, I'm one to like make good. Like this is one of those that.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm like, this is an impossible situation to navigate.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

It's impossible.

[Jared Freid]

And for her I gotta handle my boyfriend first. I can only control what I control. You and I have work to do. I can't work on the exterior.

[Mateo Lane]

And by the way, the work that they need to do together is, is he needs to find ways of dealing with conflict that are going to match not just her style, but also style that's healthy.

[Jared Freid]

Uupetches.com Uupetches.com here with Mateo Lane.

[Mateo Lane]

Am I too serious? Every time I do, I'm always too serious.

[Jared Freid]

But no, the point, you know, that's. You've done my shows.

[Mateo Lane]

I know, but I feel, I feel for them.

[Jared Freid]

Well, this is a serious email. I mean like we have to come honest first funny later. We. We got some funny in there, there.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, we did.

[Jared Freid]

We had some fun moments.

[Mateo Lane]

Costco.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, we talked Costco.

[Mateo Lane]

Costco pharmacist.

[Jared Freid]

We, we compared her titties.

[Mateo Lane]

Am I reading their next one?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, you read the next one. This is icky or picky. Let me explain the game. You're dating someone, you get the ick. Is it a real ick or are you just being picky? That's what they're asking.

[Mateo Lane]

That's a hard.

[Jared Freid]

It's difficult.

[Mateo Lane]

That's very difficult. Have you.

[Jared Freid]

Do you get the ick?

[Mateo Lane]

There was a few times when I was dating back in the day that I. But I also gave the ick to many people.

[Jared Freid]

Sure.

[Mateo Lane]

Too. Too available. Too needy.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

You know, desperate.

[Jared Freid]

I would say those are more turn offs than ick.

[Mateo Lane]

Okay, well, I know what an ick is. They do one embarrassing thing that sticks with you and you never see them the same again.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. You never want to them again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been moved to not want to someone.

[Mateo Lane]

That is the, that is the blessing of being a straight man.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

Is that it doesn't really that like you're surrounded by icks, including yourself, and you're like, this will work out.

[Jared Freid]

This will go okay. Any sewer hole, I'll throw mine into.

[Mateo Lane]

Thy ticket. Lady Jennifer of Coolidge.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Well, many thanks, good sir. Here is my Discover card. They accept Discover at Renaissance fairs? Yeah, they do.

[Jared Freid]

Here.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Discover is accepted at the places I love to shop. Getith with the times.

[Jared Freid]

With the times.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You're playing the lute. Yeah. And it sounds pretty good, right?

[Mateo Lane]

Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide, based on.

[Jared Freid]

The February 2025 Nielsen report.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Jared Freid]

Let's play icky or picky.

[Mateo Lane]

Go for it. Okay. Hi, JJ and M. Congrats on your baby girls, Jordana and Jared. Love the shows.

[Jared Freid]

Thank you.

[Mateo Lane]

I've seen you in New York and Hartford and I'll be at the Boston show at the end of the month. Also, shout out to 31 candles. Fantastic movie.

[Jared Freid]

I was in a movie. I was the brother in law.

[Mateo Lane]

31 candles.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Jewish rom com.

[Mateo Lane]

Wait a minute. Why am I. What am I thinking of? What's the 80s movie with Molly Ringwall?

[Jared Freid]

It's. It's kind of a play on that.

[Mateo Lane]

You were in a movie?

[Jared Freid]

Candles. It's like a. It was an indie film. It's actually in theaters.

[Mateo Lane]

I was in an Amazon movie and I played.

[Jared Freid]

Wait, you were?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I mean, you were in the movie. I didn't know.

[Mateo Lane]

I had the best time making it.

[Jared Freid]

What was the movie?

[Mateo Lane]

It was called maintenance required.

[Jared Freid]

Is it out right now?

[Mateo Lane]

Should people go watch it if it's out?

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Mateo Lane]

And I played homosexual side character. But it was a. I honestly, it's such a blast. Yes.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I got.

[Mateo Lane]

I mean, I got to like, wear fun clothes. And my friend Jacob Shipio was my co star. Was like, he really taught me so much about acting. Like, I had the best time.

[Jared Freid]

It is a fun thing as a stand up. Like, we get so caught up in, like, oh, I got it right. I gotta go on stage. This is like whenever you get to do something like that, Like, I was like, oh, this is like another fun muscle. Like, I had a good time. Yeah, I. I got.

[Mateo Lane]

But we also know what else is waiting for us. Like it's that the life of an actor is an anxious life because it's always like, what's the next thing?

[Jared Freid]

Right? We have a tangible thing. This is why I feel bad. I mean, you know, people with, like, you know, the. The tick tockers of the world, I always feel bad for them. I'm like, what do you. Is your next thing? Like, the next brand sponsor? Like, we get such enjoyment out of, like, this tangible thing, right? That's why people come back to stand up, right? You know, they go, well, it's the most real.

[Mateo Lane]

There's nothing. There's no.

[Jared Freid]

It's most physical art form. You have to go do it.

[Mateo Lane]

That's not the most physical. Ballet is the most physical art form. It's the most.

[Jared Freid]

You have. You are completely right. Right?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. It's the most raw art form.

[Jared Freid]

I don't want to sit on my. If I had to stand on my toes. Can you imagine how they stand on their toes? I can't.

[Mateo Lane]

Well, they've been doing it before. Like, they're training in the. Like, as a Fetus. Like, and 1 and 2. You know, there's some angry Russian woman screaming at them.

[Jared Freid]

Screaming at the belly. Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

I remember I dated when I was in. Speaking of dating, I dated. This guy was a ballet dancer. He was an amazing ballet dancer. But talking to him because he was like, well, I'm almost 30, so I'll probably retire soon. You know, I don't know.

[Jared Freid]

They have money.

[Mateo Lane]

I mean, I think so. I mean, they. They're. I don't know. I know. I think the same thing, right? Like, when I watch America's Next Top Model back in the day, I'm like, now what? Like, I saw one of them as a hostess in a Chili's commercial. I'm like, oh, thank God. You know, because I, I, you know, she's working still, so I remember being like. She was like, season seven. She came in, like, fifth place. But, you know, I remember him saying, like, I don't know how to work a cash register. I don't know how to do. I don't know how to do anything. Anything. I've never had any other job my entire life. I've just danced. I have no connection to the real world.

[Jared Freid]

Hey, Mateo, what job out there is there for a guy who can stand on his thumb.

[Mateo Lane]

Toe construction?

[Jared Freid]

Gonna need you to walk that beam. You're the only one who can do it.

[Mateo Lane]

Honestly, ballet dancers, they're athletes. I did.

[Jared Freid]

No, no. I was just thinking. No, but he in incredible shape. Yeah, he must have been like, right.

[Mateo Lane]

The legs, every. I mean, it was, like, incredible. And I was like this skinny twink who was balding and wearing a baseball hat to hide it. I've had three hair transplants now, so, you know, it's like.

[Jared Freid]

We have an email later, we're going to get into.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, we do.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, all right. Someone's going to bring it up. I have a red flag. It looks great.

[Mateo Lane]

Thank you.

[Jared Freid]

Unbelievable.

[Mateo Lane]

Better look great. I had my last one in July, so they're starting to come through. So I still use a little bit of topic spray at the hairline just to kind of COVID up where the new hairs are coming from.

[Jared Freid]

No, it looks unbelievable. I.

[Mateo Lane]

You never know me with this hair. Hair.

[Jared Freid]

No, when you walked in, I was like, it looks great.

[Mateo Lane]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you, Dr. Carlos.

[Jared Freid]

Right. But I don't. You know, what's the compliment you want? That the hair looks great. But I'm saying, when you walked in, I wasn't gonna, like. It wasn't gonna be the first.

[Mateo Lane]

I want someone to say, to notice my hair. You've got a lot of hair. Or you. Your hair looks better.

[Jared Freid]

Well, I. I get. Right. I get a lot of, like, Jared hair. Like, I. I get it. But I don't own the compliment as much. Right, because you're an insecurity. Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

You didn't suffer for it.

[Podcast Promo Voice]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

That's right. Well, last night, someone on stage. I was on stage again to this point. We'll go to the email. I. Someone goes, there was a guy in the audience. He was dressed. It was 11:30 show on a Wednesday. V was there, and the guy was with his girlfriend. He's like, in a suit. And I was, like, made fun of that.

[Mateo Lane]

He looked. A financial district suit. Like.

[Jared Freid]

No, it was like a prom suit. Like. And I go, you. I made fun of him for looking like he was going to go to prom. And then he goes, you look like. And I go, let me stop you right now. And I looked at the crowd, I go, this is about to be the most offensive thing I've ever heard. And he goes, you look like. And I go, hold on. Before you get there, let me prepare the audience. You guys are all going to feel bad for me. This is going to be the most horrific comparison you have ever heard, but I'm going to live with it the rest of my life. It's going to be the worst thing that's ever happened. Me, I go, go on. And he goes, you look like Joey from that show Friends.

[Mateo Lane]

And I go, that's an amazing compliment.

[Jared Freid]

Thank you. Well, don't be too shocked.

[Mateo Lane]

Joey was hot.

[Jared Freid]

No, I'm like, I. And I said to him, I go, this is the surprise of the century.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I'm like, I have never been happier with, like, Joey. Don't say it now. You got shocked.

[Mateo Lane]

No, but I'm being serious. Once he said it, it was like a revelation. Like a recovered memory.

[Jared Freid]

That's my best case scenario comparison. I. What's your best case scenario comparison? Worst case scenario comparison.

[Mateo Lane]

I would.

[Jared Freid]

My best case Joey from Friends.

[Mateo Lane]

Sure.

[Jared Freid]

My worst case is like, you look like Rosie o' Donnell from A League of Their Own.

[Mateo Lane]

Or riding in the Sister with. Riding in the bus with my sister. Have you ever seen that movie?

[Jared Freid]

No.

[Mateo Lane]

Google it.

[Jared Freid]

Okay, what's your best and worst comparison?

[Mateo Lane]

My best and worst comparison. Who do people think I look like? I mean, sometimes people say I look like a young Al Pacino just because we both have those lazy eyes. Eyes. I have Sylvester Stallone eyes. They all droop. It's an Italian.

[Jared Freid]

You have an Italian look. Yes.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, I saw my.

[Jared Freid]

Stallone had, like. Yeah, Stallone. I could see it. But that's like a nice comment. When you watched Rocky the First Rock, you're like, oh, this guy was like a real guy. Like a guy, right?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. It was like, yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

My best case scenario is looking like Liza in 1975. And my worst case is looking like Liza now.

[Jared Freid]

I do have Gen Z. Okay, go ahead.

[Mateo Lane]

All right. I have an icky or picky for you. My boyfriend and I, mid-30s, have been dating for about 1.5 years and live together. He's great in pretty much every way. Here it comes. But he does one thing that drives me nuts. Every time I get into the passenger side of the car, he kisses me on the lips. It was sweet for the first few times, but I'm already furious. It was sweet for the first few times, but after more than one year of doing it every time, it's lost his cuteness and it just feels like too much. When we get in the car to work out. Kiss. We get in the car after work. Workout. Kiss. He even says, sweetie kiss. Which I don't like. Let's say we run errands after the workout and I get back into the car and after the errands, kiss. Let's say after that day we got to dinner. Kiss. Let's get back to the car after dinner. Kiss. He really likes doing this. And he even said a few weeks ago that I was climbing into the car after getting a snack from the gas station. This gas stop was an excuse just to kiss you again. It would be sweet if it wasn't the 17,465th time I've tried dodging this. LOL. But shutting the door. But he just keeps making a joke and opens it again to kiss me. It all feels too much. And I know it will sound sound weird, but it's just not practical or efficient for me, driving is a means to an end. Get from point A to point b. I know 30 seconds it takes to walk around the car and stuff doesn't seem like much, but it just want to keep moving. I can't keep doing this once. I can do this every once in a while, but every car ride, I'm losing it. The only time he doesn't do it is if I am driving. How can I politely ask him to not do this as frequently? So icky or picky, he can't stop giving me car kisses. This woman is a nightmare.

[Jared Freid]

That is so funny. Anytime I tell Mateo about, like, something going in my life, when I see you, you're allowed to get. You're like, this woman's a nightmare.

[Mateo Lane]

This is a nightmare.

[Jared Freid]

I have to go. Okay, a lot of kisses because I have to, like, go. Maybe that's because, you know, maybe me being a straight guy, I'm not really allowed to. I like hearing from you on this stuff because I thought similarly. I go, v, what do you think? Sweet boyfriend who gives you.

[Mateo Lane]

I would love all these kisses from my boyfriend.

[Jared Freid]

Right? The only issue I have that I kind of zone in on where I'm like, maybe she's right.

[Mateo Lane]

We're both comedians. Because I zoned in on the exact same thing. I know that to pick up one thing from this, it would be the exact same thing that you brought up.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Mateo Lane]

100.

[Jared Freid]

I know the 30 seconds it takes to walk around the car and stuff doesn't seem like much, but I want to get moving. Moving. Is he. Is she getting in the car and then he's getting up, walking out, and then giving her a kiss through the window and then going back. Wouldn't that be enraging to you?

[Mateo Lane]

I don't know, because it doesn't make a lot of sense. For me, driving is a means to an end. I get from point A to point B. It's like, relax, first of all, right? Secondly, I know the 30 seconds it takes to walk around the car and stuff doesn't seem like much, but I just want to get. Get moving. I feel bad for this guy. He's Just trying to say he. That's how he shows.

[Jared Freid]

Maybe, maybe he feels like she doesn't like him that much. Yeah, well, maybe he's like, trying to play catch up here. He's trying to, like there's an element of that.

[Mateo Lane]

But I also think, what if she just said to him, like, maybe he's sensitive. I don't know. What if she. Instead of writing this ridiculous email, what if she just said, we need the emails? I. I love it. By the way I said she's a nightmare. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I.

[Mateo Lane]

This woman will be raised to the high heavens at a gay bar. So I am. You know, this woman can do no wrong.

[Jared Freid]

Queen has.

[Mateo Lane]

Literally. This woman is like, just like priming herself for Real Housewives 2041.

[Jared Freid]

And can you believe he keeps trying to kiss me?

[Mateo Lane]

I mean, it's. This is the amount of things that people have read. The last woman's email, this man is saying, she's got one smaller tip than the other. While the mom's saying that she doesn't want to get married, while the sister says that he's cheating, this woman's like, he just kisses too much. It's like, find another problem in your life.

[Jared Freid]

Well, or end it with him because you don't like him that much. Or there's a lot of nice people that I don't want to date. Sure. And it seems like this is a really nice guy that you're kind of like not sweating.

[Mateo Lane]

Or just turn to him and say, babe, I know you're gonna laugh at me, but, like, you kiss me all the time. Let's just less kisses.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

And let him deal with that. That's all you gotta say.

[Jared Freid]

You know, it might be easier to go, I'm out on car kisses. Because now you give it like an umbrella thing.

[Mateo Lane]

That's like straight man's approach. Right?

[Jared Freid]

It's a fix. That's a fix.

[Mateo Lane]

And the way it. I would never be able to verbalize, like, the. My brain. The connections made in my brain could never come up with that.

[Jared Freid]

No more car kisses.

[Mateo Lane]

None.

[Jared Freid]

Take out the. Take out the whole phylum. Take out the whole category straight people are.

[Mateo Lane]

So I did a show in Wisconsin. I was on stage with Evan Williams and we were doing like Q and A just for fun, because we. We never get to do that. And someone goes, what would you feel? So many years in standup would be the faux pause on stage. And both Evan are like, I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I don't know. And then some straight guy Goes, what the. Do you. When you up? And I was like, that's amazing. That was incredible. It was like watching someone translate in time.

[Jared Freid]

Like, we were Rosetta Stone.

[Mateo Lane]

You know, my friend Nick, Nick Smith did not know what the Rosetta Stone was. I said, do you know what the Rosetta Stone was? How you learn a language. The computer program.

[Jared Freid]

Where did you find.

[Mateo Lane]

Where did you find Nick? Under a rock.

[Jared Freid]

I. Matteo has a web series that him and Nick do 15 or. It's a. It's a podcast.

[Mateo Lane]

It's called I never liked you.

[Jared Freid]

It's a 15 minute podcast. Where did you. He is the alien from American Family.

[Mateo Lane]

He is. He's Roger from American. He didn't know when World War II was, which then got us into a huge fight with Lizzo online, which then Lizzo. Lizzo came after us. Why? Because Nick made that comment, but he didn't make it funny. He said, World War II was. I said, do you know in World War II, he goes, the 1800s. I go, you think in the 1800s we had planes? We had this. It wasn't the 1800s. I said, it was the same time we entered the war when the wizard of Oz came out. And I was like, 1939. He goes, you mean to tell me when the worlds went to war, our response was the wizard of Oz, which is a funny joke. Well, Lizzo took that. She hadn't been talking forever because she had that scandal and put it on her tik tok. Put that clip of Nick and I on her tik tok. And then cut to herself doing makeup, saying, I hope these two are joking. It's a comedy podcast. I hope these two are Kitty. And this is the. The American education system is terrible. And these two.

[Jared Freid]

Wait, she used you as an example. Yes, for the American education system.

[Mateo Lane]

And then all the comments like, this is what you came out of hiding for. So then everyone was attacking her. And then a week later she's like, I'm quitting Instagram. Then all the comments came back to us. They were like, nick, you may be an idiot, but thank you. So it was like this big bad. Just because Nick didn't know in World War II is he didn't know that water was in clouds. We had Neil DeGrasse Tyson on our podcast. And Nick was like, what's going on with Pluto? Like, he just doesn't know.

[Jared Freid]

Where's Nick from?

[Mateo Lane]

He's from a really, really small town outside of Scranton, Pennsylvania. It's like, they don't have a street light.

[Jared Freid]

He must have been Like, Nick is like, he, he's a vision, you know, like, he's tall. He must have been like a, he's, he's a homosexual. You know, he walks around, it's like a peacock in, in Scranton. I know people from Scranton.

[Mateo Lane]

He da. No, outside of Scranton.

[Jared Freid]

That's even more rural.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. And he dated a girl.

[Jared Freid]

He dated a girl?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. And he designed her prom dress. The, the, her tits were out. We were all making fun of it on Fortnite. We're like, jesus, Nick. Like, you put this woman in this. Well, she looked amazing. Like, she does look amazing. But like you're, you look like a stretched out gay Justin Bieber in this ridiculous suit. Meanwhile, you've got her boobs up to her neck. Like, Nick's like, I, I picked the dress. I was like, this is.

[Jared Freid]

And did people know he was gay then or in that town? No. I mean, they knew.

[Mateo Lane]

He said the only one that didn't know was his girlfriend. That she wept. She wept. Wept. He was like, I'm gay and she wept. Wow.

[Jared Freid]

I, where is she now? What?

[Mateo Lane]

I think she's married, happily with kids.

[Jared Freid]

Probably far in that town.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

What does he do for work?

[Mateo Lane]

Real estate agent.

[Jared Freid]

Come on.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. And he's a brilliant, like, businessman.

[Jared Freid]

Really?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I, I, okay, let's. We'll go back story for you too. Go check out Nick and Mato's podcast.

[Mateo Lane]

I feel bad that I called this woman a nightmare, but her problems are.

[Jared Freid]

M. The, it's a nightmare because we, we know she's strong enough to handle this well. She's strong enough to look at her boyfriend and go, like, if I had someone go, sweaty kisses, I would be like, we can't be in public together.

[Mateo Lane]

I am going to defend her on that.

[Jared Freid]

That's sweaty kiss. To announce sweaty kisses.

[Mateo Lane]

Now that I'm out of my anger zone because I also don't have coping mechanisms. I'm also kind of on her side. Like, if someone said sweaty kisses to me, maybe. You know what? Let me defend her for a second. Let me go back for a second.

[Jared Freid]

Take it back.

[Mateo Lane]

There are people who accept affection in different ways, and there are people who give it in different ways. And so she probably is someone who receives affection in a way can kind of overwhelm her. So she's saying, I would feel more confident in this relationship. Maybe it feels a bit fake to her. And so what she's trying to say is, right, she wants this to feel a bit more real. You know, she's someone who likes to go from a To B. She's obviously an A type personality and these kind of constant kisses are keeping her from feeling like there's something real there. So that's my one side. The other side is the way she wrote the email is hysterical and looks ridiculous is.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

But I can see both sides.

[Jared Freid]

She. They live together. They're a year and a half in.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I think she. It seems like he's doing a lot. When someone's doing a lot to try and, like, win you over and win you over.

[Mateo Lane]

Do you think it's appeasement? Do you think he's trying to like. Because I don't know what her situation is. So, like, does he feel like he's doing it to appease her? Like, she needs that?

[Jared Freid]

I think she.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

He.

[Jared Freid]

I think he feels that, like, is she losing it for me? And so he's pushing harder, which makes. It's like a finger trap. The harder you pull, the more or, you know, you get stuck. So I, I think she needs to, like, I, I think she's trying to suss out if she's lost her affection for him. Like, I think she's like, and, and this is getting in the way because.

[Mateo Lane]

It'S such a thing, but am I right? Like, she did write it this way. When we get in the car to work out.

[Jared Freid]

Kiss.

[Mateo Lane]

When we get in the car after workout kiss. He even says sweaty kiss, which I don't like. Let's say we run errands after the workout and get back in the car after the errands kiss. Let's say after that day we go out to dinner, kiss. Get back in the car after dinner, kiss. Like, this is how she said it to her girlfriends at brunch.

[Jared Freid]

And it crushed.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, they were like, that's. I can't even believe that. Honestly, Sarah, I can't even believe that you're going through that. Like, that must be so difficult for you.

[Jared Freid]

I think she needs to just announce it. I'm done with car kisses.

[Mateo Lane]

Right. I want her and the first girl to go out to lunch together and compare.

[Jared Freid]

I want her to go to lunch with the first girl and then just not talk. She'll walk away and, like, grab her boyfriend at the end and kiss him and go, okay, Please never let go.

[Mateo Lane]

Have you ever had that, like, when you were dating someone and you hear someone else's, like, horrific dating stories, you go back to your partner. You're like, l is for.

[Jared Freid]

The way I hear that with. I, I do that with when I hear about people's marriages. And then I Go home to my phone. And I hit hug my phone. I just have a huge makeup. I don't tweet anymore, baby.

[Mateo Lane]

But back in the day when I was living with Evan Williams, I had a funny tweet. Well, maybe I think it's funny. I was like, ah, finally, finally. After a long day of work, I'm at home with some alone time with my phone. I'm always on my phone.

[Jared Freid]

Always.

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[Jared Freid]

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[Podcast Promo Voice]

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[Jared Freid]

All right, let's play. Let's play some games, okay? Red flag or deal breaker? You're dating someone, it's going great. One thing happens. Do you end it sight unseen, or is it just a red flag? You ready? J and J and M. Congrats on your baby girl. We.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

We.

[Jared Freid]

We've done all the congrats. I have a red flag or deal breaker question I'd like to get your take on. Two years ago, I, 32, female, went on a few dates with a guy, 33, male. I met a. We met at a speed dating event.

[Mateo Lane]

Red flag.

[Jared Freid]

That's a red flag. I'm just joking. Okay, Mateo, we're trying to get out here, okay? We're trying to meet people in real life. A couple of dates in. We were watching a movie at my place when tattoos came up. I asked if he had any. He said no, but mentioned he had a piercing. I know we'd kissed at this point, but nothing more. I asked where, and he opened his mouth to reveal a very large tongue piercing. A big white ball placed Pretty far back. It genuinely caught me off guard. We ended up dating for about two months and mutually ended things due to misaligned big values. Whatever.

[Mateo Lane]

I love these. I love we break up now. Like it's a contract, right? You can't just say we decided as a breakup. Well, we mutually ended things due to misaligned big values.

[Jared Freid]

This is. Is the problem with straight relationships, especially like, dating women, is that my. Well, my. My main issue with dating women is that there's a societal thing that I don't deal with that we don't deal with. Of like, you have to say misaligned big values for people to go, oh, okay, so you, you know, you weren't tossed aside. It wasn't, you know, like, you need.

[Mateo Lane]

A good reason for women. Because I feel for her. Right. If women make a decision that something's not right for them, then they're labeled as a right. And that's also not fair because guys kind of do whatever the they want. It's so unfair. So women should be allowed to say like this, dude, but I get it.

[Jared Freid]

Misaligned big values, gaslighting. All these therapy terms get used to make us feel validated in our ending of a relationship. And that's kind of like what's going on with misalign uncoupling. Right? It's all garbage. But I'll admit, a part of me was relieved to have a legitimate reason to end it. There you go. Because that tongue ring really threw me. Since then, it's al also become an unexpectedly great dinner party story among my friends where they ask each other if this would be a deal breaker for them. So red flag or deal breaker? The person you're dating has a massive tongue ring. Sincerely, tongue tied.

[Mateo Lane]

Did she write this from 1953?

[Jared Freid]

Well, this is the thing I don't. Well, the other question I have is there's probably like one person on earth who has no tattoos but also a tongue ring.

[Mateo Lane]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

Doesn't that feel like. That's like a very small center of the ven. Diagonal.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, because. Yeah, usually the tattoos come first. So the piercings come on the ears or something first. Remember the lip piercings people used to do?

[Jared Freid]

I always wanted that. But I like a lip ring if I see a woman. Well, here's the thing. If I saw a woman with a tongue ring, lip ring, nose ring, I'm immediately in.

[Mateo Lane]

I want brunch with her.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I'm immediately in. This woman is probably fun sexually, of course. You know, so.

[Mateo Lane]

But also fun in general.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, Just loose, easy, Casual.

[Mateo Lane]

Because it is a kind of symbol to say, like standards, but, you know, society norms.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

I will say. I will say, you know, that these days, tattoos and piercings seems so. Like, who is in proximity to. To her? Because tattoos and piercings seem quite normal.

[Jared Freid]

Well, I would say I'm probably closer to her proximity because I have no tattoos, no piercings.

[Mateo Lane]

Will you ever get a tattoo?

[Jared Freid]

No.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I think it's. It's all. It's.

[Mateo Lane]

It's two things you don't want. Skeletor.

[Jared Freid]

I love your tattoo.

[Mateo Lane]

Evan Williams is going to get the same tattoo.

[Jared Freid]

Is he really?

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Wait, you have the other one, the woman.

[Mateo Lane]

I have Storm from the Storm, which I'm going to get redone next week, actually. I have poison Ivy. These two I design, but.

[Jared Freid]

You design them?

[Mateo Lane]

Yes. Maria Callis, my favorite opera singer. And then this Sivak, my T2 artists did. That was his design. But this is about.

[Jared Freid]

This is he. Man, you bumbling boo. I knew you could do a good Skeletor. I. No, I don't have any. If I got him, I. I just couldn't deal with my parents. I just.

[Mateo Lane]

They wouldn't like it. Your parents have such an influence on your life.

[Jared Freid]

Total influence. Jewish, though, like, the whole Jewish. Is it a problem? Is it not? You hear from. You hear different stories from different people that. Oh, they cut it out. When you get. When you die, you can be buried in a Jewish seminary cemetery. Why do I even care about what cemetery I'm buried?

[Mateo Lane]

Let me just say this. When I die, whatever happens to my body, I could get. Take it, put it in drag. Throw me off a mountain.

[Jared Freid]

Like this gets transcribed and used as what? I hope they. Yeah, no, I hope they cremate you and they put you in a box. That is in drag.

[Mateo Lane]

I would love it. Yeah, I mean, do it. I'm just saying do whatever. Have fun.

[Jared Freid]

Have fun.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I played golf in San Diego when I was there for shows, and I played with, like, random guys. And one of the guys, his wife and him were there for a baby moon, which is like. Excuse me, a baby moon. Do you know? Are you familiar?

[Mateo Lane]

Obviously I'm not. When you said it, like, chills went down my spine.

[Jared Freid]

The minute I said it, I was like, oh, this is not hitting the gay world. Like, so they go on a trip before the babies come. Coming.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, I was thinking, like, astrology.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, yeah. This has nothing to do with Sailor.

[Mateo Lane]

And I don't believe in astrology. Sailor Moon. That would be great.

[Jared Freid]

It's a Sailor Moon trip. And they golf. And so this woman. So the guy. We get done with golfing, and then the. The wife comes out and she's pregnant, and she's like, hey, everybody. And she's holding a bag, and they. They go, hey, I know the. So I'm, like, saying goodbye to him. We met over the course of the four hours. And then they go, hey, we're just gonna go. This is my dad's ashes. We're gonna go spread them in the lake here. And we're like. I'm like, should I be around for this? And I'm like, We're just, like, standing there, and they're like, yeah, yeah. He would think it's funny. Whatever. And then I go, okay, okay. Well, I'm gonna go, like, I don't want to be. I don't want to ruin. They're like, no, no, this is, like, part of his personality. And then they take. And he's in, like, a Ziploc bag. Like, it was, like, crazy. Crazy. And then they go to this little lake that's, like, right next to us. The wind picks up. All of a sudden, it gets blown into them, and they're going, I've. I was, like, on my way. Like, I'm watching this happen as I'm walking away. I'm, like, laughing. It was, like, crazy. And I'm like, I don't think this is what the dad wanted. Like, I, I, I, I. I'm gonna go in eating your dad.

[Mateo Lane]

It's what I want.

[Jared Freid]

That's what you want?

[Mateo Lane]

I want when I'm dead, creamy me. Bring me to a golf course. Go find the straightest couple with a pregnant wife who's on their baby Sailor Moon. Yeah. And just throw it at him. Throw it at him and say it's what he wanted.

[Jared Freid]

They're running around. No, you're ruining my vineyard vines. Let's.

[Mateo Lane]

What are we doing?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know. We've lost it. We've lo. We have too much time. We think, like, everyone's like, ah, life is hard.

[Mateo Lane]

We used to die from our teeth. Teeth. At 30 years old, from our teeth. People would die from tooth infections. What are we doing with our time? Baby moon.

[Jared Freid]

Did I just.

[Mateo Lane]

Stop it.

[Jared Freid]

Deal breaker. So you're cool with a tongue ring? You're not. Oh, I would.

[Mateo Lane]

I. I live in New York and I'm a homosexual.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

You're hanging out with comics every day, and my best friends are drag queens. A tongue ring.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

This.

[Jared Freid]

Nothing. Nothing for me. I would go. I would. After the blow job, I Would think of. I would, like, need to see what that's like, right. I gotta see. And then. And then I would go, are we like, are we too different? Like, I would have pause.

[Mateo Lane]

So it really was just the ring that sent her off. I mean, that's.

[Jared Freid]

I mean, she's doing what I would do. Let me empathize with her. Where I would go.

[Mateo Lane]

I've empath, empathized with all these women.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Well, I would go. I would go, oh, this thing is so different than how I am. Right? This is. I'm not getting a tattoo. I'm not getting a tongue piercing. I can't even imagine a period where I would. So you personalize, right? And then you go, could I be with someone who thinks that differently than me? And I think I could. I would like to think I could.

[Mateo Lane]

I just think.

[Jared Freid]

But everything else would have to be the same. Like, I. I actually to. To like, not to. I mean, this sounds bad. It could be made to sound bad, but I'm like, you know, if they're Jewish, went to summer camp, have a fat ass. Ass and likes my jokes, the tongue ring would be okay. But all the other things need to, like, be in place. Right.

[Mateo Lane]

God. I just. I went to art school. I just.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

You're. You're. I'm just so.

[Jared Freid]

You're more free than I am. I am caged by these rituals and stupidity.

[Mateo Lane]

You're by these pagan rituals of heterosexuality. Right.

[Jared Freid]

I am in a cage.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. I don't feel that. But I also.

[Jared Freid]

I envy that.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. When I was 18, I remember, remember I went to school, the Art Institute of Chicago, which is like one of the most prestigious art schools in the country. And we had no money, so we had to get loans. I had a job, the whole thing. So I. This is a whole new world for me. A lot of these kids have been doing art. A lot of these kids. You know what? So I sit there and I'll never forget they said, all right, we have a new rule this year. No more bodily fluids on canvas this year. Because people use period blood or come or whatever. Piss. One of the. One of the. In the photography section.

[Jared Freid]

Yes.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah. There was a huge paint picture under.

[Jared Freid]

The name of Art It.

[Mateo Lane]

I know you could just but imagine being 18 and then how much this unlocks your brain to. There's a whole world out there.

[Jared Freid]

There was a giant allowance to be. Yes. So you.

[Mateo Lane]

There was a giant. Giant, I mean, gigantic photo. Every week they put up photos for the photography. Right. And it was all about. Especially at that time it was about trying to to say do something really crazy to try and reach out whatever state you're making. So one of the girls at our school took this photo of her friend and she was drinking a beer like this pants all the way down stream of piss. And everyone knew her, everyone. And we're all looking at it, da da da. And your brain is just trying to make sense of like what you're looking at. And I remember my teacher Marin Krish God rest us soul walked by. This is a teacher looks at the painting and says in front of everyone that's awesome. And kept walking. And I was like this is so my view of the world.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Mateo Lane]

Right at 18 downtown Chicago, all these people. I was like oh a tongue ring.

[Jared Freid]

This is child's nothing.

[Mateo Lane]

Well you know and I'm happy I had that experience.

[Jared Freid]

Right I the world you know would be a better place cuz well this.

[Mateo Lane]

Is why I love some went too.

[Jared Freid]

Far but you know well some go to well again like what's the line right. But I that's why I always loved doing dating shows and questions with comedians.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Because you could write in really about anything because we've. There's no like you did what right for a comedian. Like I always thought comedians were great for advice.

[Mateo Lane]

We're not.

[Jared Freid]

Well we're not great. We give advice that's probably fraudulent but there's no shock. You can write to us safely like yeah, we're going to say you're harassing horrific.

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

We're gonna tell you how to use.

[Mateo Lane]

My guess is you're writing because you understand there's going to be a light roast.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Mateo Lane]

This is a comedy podcast now look, if I really wanted to take the comedy out of it, how would I say about this and the last girl I would say they're probably sweet girls and experiencing for the first time or you know he kisses too much and it's annoying. I get it. You know that's kind of icky and you're allowed to have those feelings but I'm a kid.

[Jared Freid]

I think she doesn't want to her live in boyfriend. Yeah. I think if I'm to like because.

[Mateo Lane]

I was thinking like what's sex like then because now when he's like really kissing you are you think yourself like.

[Jared Freid]

I said A to B.

[Mateo Lane]

You know like I just.

[Jared Freid]

Who wants sweaty kisses?

[Mateo Lane]

Oh then. Then I'm on side. I mean if he walked in naked dick out and I'm on the bed, you know kind of like let's just get this over with thing and he walks in, he's like, who wants sweaty kisses? Vagina's dry. Closed up. And I'm out.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. And needed surgically. Okay, Opened.

[Mateo Lane]

Have you ever during sex said to someone, I can't do this. Like it hit you during sex and you're like, I just gotta be done.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've, I've, I've, I've gone straight to pudding downstairs.

[Mateo Lane]

It is the jello pudding. Yeah, just like you go open pudding.

[Jared Freid]

No, I'm like, oh, for a split.

[Mateo Lane]

Second because I just bought sugar free jello pudding the other day. There's a split second because I'm such a idiot that I thought you meant. Meant that during the middle of sex you stopped and just decided to go downstairs and start eating jello.

[Jared Freid]

If both of you thought it, then maybe I'm wrong. I had the wrong instincts.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah, you'll just get.

[Jared Freid]

I'm out of here. Just me whipping in a whipping bowl. No, you can't do this.

[Mateo Lane]

Even more embarrassing. You get the pre made sugar free. Unpack it. Opening a pack with your man hands like you're a seven year old slowly eating jello. Peel it open while she's like putting on clothes. Like I wonder what.

[Jared Freid]

I guess I gotta go. I guess it's pudding time. It's pudding time. And then I just start eating a single packet of pudding while she's getting dressed and she leave. Yeah, Jared every now and again can't have sex with me. He says it's pudding time and then sits in the dark kitchen and starts eating Jell O pudding from a snack pack. That's the saddest image. Me naked at a kitchen table, angry, eating a pudding.

[Mateo Lane]

Because when you eat from a snack pack, like I'm a 39 year old man made for 7 year olds who in their lunch, they open up. What did mom give me today?

[Jared Freid]

Peeling it. If you're watching on YouTube you can watch me peel it. Just the slight sounds of.

[Mateo Lane]

At the very end you lick off.

[Jared Freid]

Lick. Because there's still some left just to get it all. Let's do one more.

[Mateo Lane]

Door shut.

[Jared Freid]

She leaves. I never saw him again. J and J. I'm a 22 year old woman. I've been dating a 26 year old guy for about two months. Things were going great until something small turned into something big. You see, I grew up with this big hooked nose. Oh my God, that's a weird description. Description with a wide nose bridge. And while I think nothing of it on other people, I hated on myself. And growing Up. I desperately wanted to change it. So I started saving up at 15, ended up getting a nose job at 19, which I have no regrets about. The other day, my boyfriend and I were looking through old photos of my phone and stuff and he suddenly asked me, why does your nose look so different in those? His reaction surprised me. He got angry and accused me of hiding things from him, saying how he now feels like he's. He can't trust me because I didn't tell him sooner. This is crazy. I tried explaining that it simply never came up, but he stayed upset and oh my God, now I'm wondering if this is a red flag. The anger, the jump to mistrust, and the idea that I owed him. Disclosure about a cosmetic choice from years ago feels controlling and concerning. This early on, is this a deal breaker or am I missing something? Two months. Yeah, you got to end it. Oh my God, a deal breaker. I got a nose job and didn't tell my boyfriend. This is crazy.

[Mateo Lane]

That's horrible.

[Jared Freid]

It's, you know, the hard part?

[Mateo Lane]

How dare she not. I'm joking. That he's a monster.

[Jared Freid]

The hard part about this is this is because the ages matter. You ready?

[Mateo Lane]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

26. She's 22.

[Mateo Lane]

Oh, yes. She's already blaming herself.

[Jared Freid]

And he doesn't because he doesn't. He's being selfish because he doesn't know how to tell a 22 year old woman, hey, I don't want to date you anymore. He is making something out of nothing. And now he's giving her a complex at 22 about whether she should have to disclose that she's gotten a nose.

[Mateo Lane]

Job again and making it her problem. That's horrible that he did that. That's terrible.

[Jared Freid]

He's the deal breaker. This is a horrible way to break up a. Because we, you and I, two human beings on earth, we can't see a scenario where we would feel this offended by an old picture.

[Mateo Lane]

I've had plastic surgery.

[Jared Freid]

So you've had, you know, can you imagine?

[Mateo Lane]

Hair transplant. So like I, I, well, I also tell everybody, but, but even though if I was in a situation where I said like, you know, he saw that I had less hair and now I have full hair and I was like, oh, like, yeah, I got hair transplants. And he, that was his reaction. I would be like, well, who the fuck are you?

[Jared Freid]

The only way someone could react like that is if they are concerned with creating offspring of their own design, which would be even crazier.

[Mateo Lane]

Like, it's narcissism, right?

[Jared Freid]

Well, if the Only way I could see someone getting angry is that I thought our genes were a perfect match to make a tall child. You were short. You got leg extensions. Tension surgery. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, that's the only. Like, I'm trying to paint a straight line. No, you're right.

[Mateo Lane]

It's totally.

[Jared Freid]

Someone would be this angry. And there's no reasonable reason to be this.

[Mateo Lane]

Especially after two. I could see if they're dating five years and she was like, hey, I should let you know something. When I was 19, I got a nose job. But even then, his reaction should only be, oh, how come you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me?

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Mateo Lane]

You know, I wouldn't have judged you. Why this visceral role response? Like, that's not hiding something from somebody. That is. That is ridiculous.

[Jared Freid]

And I'm 2 months. I can't believe a 22 year old is listening to us right now. I'm happy they are.

[Mateo Lane]

I know. Is it worth. I'm. How old are you?

[Jared Freid]

40.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm going to be 40 in June.

[Jared Freid]

How you feeling about it?

[Mateo Lane]

Well, I get Botox. I'll hopefully I'll be all right.

[Jared Freid]

I think you look great. I don't think you should worry about that. But I'm saying 40 does hit a man in a certain way. It hit me.

[Mateo Lane]

I'm wearing a tank top.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, you're.

[Mateo Lane]

I haven't accepted.

[Jared Freid]

You're fine. Maybe, maybe 50 in the gay community.

[Mateo Lane]

56.

[Jared Freid]

Fine. Did you watch Heated Rivalry?

[Mateo Lane]

You think I turned gay yesterday. Did you watch it? Yeah, Isn't it great?

[Jared Freid]

I watched episode one. Can I tell you the one thing that, like, it was tough for me.

[Mateo Lane]

Go ahead.

[Jared Freid]

I'm gonna watch. I started episode two. I'm gonna watch it. Everyone's like, get to episode four. You'll love it.

[Mateo Lane]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Okay. The amount of dick sucking noises that I had never heard before.

[Mateo Lane]

You're jealous.

[Jared Freid]

I'm jealous of the, of the energy. These women out here aren't giving energy to the blow jobs.

[Mateo Lane]

Are we at the laugh factory in 1992?

[Jared Freid]

I know.

[Mateo Lane]

Are we at the.

[Jared Freid]

Ha ha. That's. That's where we are. I just, I, you know, I never seen it on TV like that before, you know, so it was like there was a moment where I'm like, whoa.

[Mateo Lane]

Comes into play. Like the kind of. The sexual energy that they're. They display in the first few episod leads up to the end of the show. So it's, it's not just, it's, it's intentional in terms of like this kind of intense sexual relationship between these two because it eventually finds its way to.

[Jared Freid]

So you're pushing me to watch the.

[Mateo Lane]

Rest, but even if it was all sex, I'd be fine with it too.

[Jared Freid]

Of course. There's nothing. It's not that I'm saying it's wrong. I just was like. I had the same reaction to the Golden Bachelor kissing a woman on the first episode. I was like, I've never seen this person before. I can't, I can't. I. I just. Cuz on tv, you just.

[Mateo Lane]

Because I'm so not in the world of the Bachelor when the Golden Bachelor obviously means old people.

[Jared Freid]

60S. I saw a 60 year old man kiss a 60 year old woman.

[Mateo Lane]

Was it dry?

[Jared Freid]

No, it was dry and crack. Cracky.

[Mateo Lane]

And it was the opposite sounds. It was the opposite rivalry where that's like, like it sounds like a squid's being for dinner. Meanwhile, Meanwhile, the Golden Bachelor sounds like a crackling fire.

[Jared Freid]

Right? That's right. It sounded like two same side of the Velcro rubbing against each other. That's what it sound. I deserve that. That's what it sounded like when the Golden Bachelor kissed one of the women.

[Mateo Lane]

And then like chalk on. Not on the. On on the chalk or like street chalk.

[Jared Freid]

Yes. That's what it sounded like when they started kissing. And when heated rivalry. When they went at it, that was like two wet sponges hitting each other.

[Mateo Lane]

That's what it should feel like, that show. Even for me when Nick told me about it before everybody started watching it, I bet you this is Nick right now. Oh no, you got to go.

[Jared Freid]

We got to. Oh, that's a, that's a. That could be an important call.

[Mateo Lane]

It's not.

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Mateo Lane]

When Nick told me about the show before anyone had really talked about it. Nick, of course was on it.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

You need to watch this show called Hated Rivalry. I said, okay, what's it about? Two hockey players that's even making me clutch my own pearls. Just watch it. And it did. I was sitting at home drawing. I was like, oh, oh, oh. Like even I, I was so like, like pleasantly surprised.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, well, and they were so cute.

[Mateo Lane]

They have such good chemistry.

[Jared Freid]

They're really good together. He's unbelievable. The. The guy. Yeah.

[Mateo Lane]

Cuz I called Lisa. Oh, this is a great joke. Well, I mean I, I made a joke. What I meant say this is a funny story. But I did make a good joke. I go, Lisa, she was talking about heated rivalry and she's like, I mean, obsessed in his Russian. I can't believe it. So, guys, Lisa Trager is fluent in Russian. I said, all right, why don't you give us a line from heated rivalry. Why don't you say, meet me in the locker room afterwards and we'll. And she goes, I mean, I don't know that. My parents are 70. They're the ones who taught me Russian. We're not saying that. I said, fine, fine. Forgive me. Can you teach me how to say, let's play dominoes in the base basement?

[Jared Freid]

Teach me how to say, lisa, dinner. We're having dinner. Get downstairs, Lisa.

[Mateo Lane]

Turn off the Backstreet Boys.

[Jared Freid]

Right? Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. No more Taylor Swift. We're about to have dinner. Do that in Russian.

[Mateo Lane]

Was talking to me about Taylor Swift, Swift. And she kept going. And finally I stopped and said, lisa, I don't care. I don't know why you think I'm. I don't seem invested in this story. I don't seem engaged. I'm not asking follow up questions. But she's going in on this documentary about Taylor Swift. I was like, lisa, just stop it. I don't care. Taylor Swift is talented.

[Jared Freid]

She's a wonderful enough mat. Lane, thank you for coming on the show.

[Mateo Lane]

This really made me laugh very hard. Thank you for having me on the show. I'm sorry if I hurt the girl's feelings trying to be funny.

[Jared Freid]

This is good to look.

[Mateo Lane]

The point of a roast is to look outside of your own situation to realize maybe it's not so big. The first girl.

[Jared Freid]

That's how you sound. This is us telling her you sound a little bit, you know, annoying.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Keep sending your emails. Listen, Jordana's on maternity leave. She will be back soon. If you want to check out how Jordana's doing, go sign up for you up with benefits. We have YouTube exclusive all the stuff Mateo at Mateo lane, Matteo Lane comedy.com to get tickets for shows. Go, go, go to Mateo shows. You are going to have a blast. I'm Jared Freed, back on Friday. Boom. Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra. That's the OG it kicked whole zero.

[Mateo Lane]

Sugar energy drink thing.

[Jared Freid]

But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian sunrise and Vice Guava. And they all bring the monster energy punch.

[Mateo Lane]

So if you've been living in the.

[Jared Freid]

White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe and every single one is Zero sugar Tap the banner to learn more.