How to Know You’re Ready to Move In

Summary

U Up? — "How to Know You’re Ready to Move In"

Hosted by: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Date: November 5, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode of U Up?, Jordana and Jared tackle the complexities of relationship milestones—particularly moving in together. They discuss how to assess whether you’re truly ready, how priorities and personal "pie charts" shape dating and life decisions, and respond to audience emails covering everything from first date etiquette to deal-breakers like pissing in a rooftop planter. The show is filled with candid, engaging banter, comedic self-awareness, and grounded advice for navigating today’s dating scene.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Updates, Priorities, and Mental Load

[01:50–13:00]

• Jordana shares a pregnancy update: Her physical journey has been smooth, but emotionally, it’s a “whole other ballgame.” She compares the mental aspect to being in “a relationship you’re not sure is going to [work out]” ([02:28]).

• Jared explores balancing life priorities using the personal “pie chart” metaphor. His pie chart leans heavily toward comedy (about 80%), leaving little room for dating, family, or health. This leads to a recognition that men and women often allocate very different prioritization to dating.

  • Memorable quote:
    Jared [11:07]: “So it's 80 work comedy. And then you got 20 left for family, friends, health and dating.”
  • Insight: If dating is only 5-8% of your life, it’s not a real priority.

• Jordana reflects on women’s priorities: For many women, dating can take up 50% of their mental space.

  • Memorable quote:
    Jordana [13:00]: “For a lot of women, it's dating, like 50%. Right, right.”

• Analogy of dating as AP (Advanced Placement) class: Jared feels out of his depth when he finds himself with women for whom dating is a much higher priority, likening himself to someone whose mom got them into AP Bio when they’re not ready ([13:16]).

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2. Are You Actually Ready to Move In? The Main Email

[32:45–41:27]

• Listener’s Dilemma: A 33-year-old woman wonders if she should move in with her boyfriend of 1.5 years, feeling anxious rather than excited and worried she just wants to do it because “everyone else is.”

• Jared & Jordana’s Approach:

  • Self-Reflection is crucial: Examine whether you’re excited or just “sliding” into the next step for logistical reasons (his lease ending, city logistics, societal expectations).
    • Quote:
      Jared [36:17]: “Lease runs up. Oh, I guess we should move in. It's a little too... logical and not enough romantic.”
  • Distinguishing ‘Sliding vs. Deciding’: Couples are happier when they consciously choose to move in ("deciding") vs. just doing it for convenience’s sake ("sliding").
    • Quote:
      Jordana [36:30]: “You're gonna do better as a couple if you're deciding to move in together instead of, like, you're sliding into this apartment because of logistics.”

• Practical Advice:

  • Make a list of all reasons you’re excited to move in; focus on emotional motives over logistics.
  • Imagine your life both with and without your partner—does that vision fill you with excitement or relief?
    • Quote:
      Jared [40:51]: “Can you imagine living when you imagine yourself in an apartment by yourself? Are you happy? Are you sad?”
  • Moving in isn’t irreversible: You can always move out; it's just another step, not a point of no return ([39:04], [39:11]).
  • Risk tolerance matters: Not everyone gets a “lightning bolt certainty”—some are more risk-averse, and that's okay.

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3. Dating Priorities, Commitment, and Emotional Math

[08:44–21:00]

• Men often aren’t “lying” about priorities; they simply experience “priority” differently or with less emotional urgency ([08:19]).
• Commitment vs. Actions: Jared feels guilty dating women for whom he’s never going to be a real priority; this disconnect is a recurring challenge in modern dating.
• The “Season Two” Motivation: Many people seek relationships not necessarily for romantic connection, but to experience the next “episode” or milestone in their lives ([19:26]).
  • Quote:
    Jared [19:26]: “A lot of the reason people want to be in relationships isn’t even to, like, be with a specific person. It's more to just see, like, the next level in the video game.”

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4. Audience Questions & Email Responses

Fun, practical, and real-world dating scenarios with time-stamped takeaways:

a) First Date – Drinks vs. Dinner

[44:05–47:15]

• Listener asked for drinks instead of dinner, the guy ghosted. Was she being icky or picky?
• Jared: Totally fine to ask for drinks; he likely just lost interest or found someone else, NOT because she offended him.
  • Quote:
    Jared [45:07]: “It's a wild assumption... no man would be, ‘You don't want dinner with me!?’”
  • Both would prefer drinks for a first date, keep it casual.

b) Work Crush – Should You Try Again?

[54:30–58:11]

• Listener is unsure whether to pursue a coworker, Nick, after a lukewarm response:
  • His text: "I think it's best to start out as friends."
• Verdict: He's politely declining romantic interest. Don’t chase.
  • Quote:
    Jordana [58:22]: “This is like the nicest way you could say, ‘I'm not interested.’”

c) Red Flag/Deal Breaker: Butt Pads

[69:32–74:34]

• Listener tries padded shorts for a fuller butt; boyfriend is weirded out.
• Jared’s Insight: For most men, you are attractive to them AS you are; changes sometimes trigger insecurity, “I like you flat-butted!”
  • Quote:
    Jared [71:13]: “It's truly how men think of women: it's like, I want that... that's how it was on the shelf. I like that shelf.”

d) Red Flag/Deal Breaker: Rooftop Pee

[77:53–80:32]

• Guy pees in a rooftop planter instead of going inside during a date.
  • Verdict: Deal breaker. It’s a sign of laziness and immaturity.
    • Quote:
      Jared [79:27]: “If a woman did this… That’s a crazy person.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jared [20:58]: “If you’re single, I envy you on a Saturday night, and I pity you on a Sunday morning.”
• Jordana [36:30]: “Sliding versus deciding… You’re gonna do better as a couple if you’re deciding to move in together instead of, like, you’re sliding in because of logistics.”
• Jared [71:13]: “When men date you, we're not looking for you to improve. We like you just as you are—just as you are, that's how it was on the shelf. I like that shelf.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:50 — Jordana’s pregnancy update, discussing mental strain
• 10:00–13:30 — Jared’s “pie chart” of priorities; dating as a small slice
• 14:05–16:50 — Comparing dating priorities between men and women
• 32:45–41:27 — Main segment: Are you ready to move in? Advice and analogies
• 44:05–47:15 — First date: Drinks vs. dinner etiquette
• 54:30–58:11 — Should you pursue the coworker Nick?
• 69:32–74:34 — Butt pads: Communication, insecurity, and cosmetic modifications
• 77:53–80:32 — Rooftop peeing: Red flag or deal breaker?

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Original Tone and Language

The entire episode maintains the comedic, self-reflective, and unfiltered tone that U Up? is known for. Jared’s responses are peppered with playful analogies, while Jordana provides methodical, empathetic guidance. The back-and-forth banter is light-hearted with plenty of relatable self-deprecation, directness, and honest admissions about relationships and their own lives.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode offers a nuanced, entertaining look at how to gauge readiness for major relationship milestones like moving in, why priorities matter, and how to approach tough dating dilemmas. Whether you’re stuck in logistics vs. romance or deciding if you should text back that lukewarm Hinge match, Jordana and Jared deliver humor, vulnerability, and much-needed realness for anyone dating in the digital age.

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For more dating commentary, polls, and bonus content:
@u.up.podcast on Instagram and subscribe at subscribe.betches.com

Watch full episodes on YouTube:
http://youtube.com/betches

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Jordana Abraham]

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[Jared Freid]

I like to know everyone's name in the room. I'm not one of those not know people's name people. I'm not one of those types of slaves celebrities. No, I've changed. I learned I'm one of those celebrities who fake gets to know people's name. Right, Brian. I mean Will.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hello and welcome back to the U Up podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

[Jared Freid]

And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordana.

[Jordana Abraham]

How are you?

[Jared Freid]

How you feeling? I. I've been asking you how you've been been feeling and that was my secret way of like, wink, wink. I know you're pregnant.

[Jordana Abraham]

How are you feeling?

[Jared Freid]

Right. How are you feeling in front of all these losers who had no idea but now.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Now that they know, how are you feeling?

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm feeling good.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Have you had like, you know, the pregnancy people like wish for?

[Jordana Abraham]

Have I have the.

[Jared Freid]

I guess not. It took you a while, you know, like I. This is like the, like the Pregnancy people, like, are like, I wasn't sick at all. Like, some people say they have tough pregnancies.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. No, I think physically it's been pretty. Pretty easy. Right. Mentally, it's like, obviously a whole other ball game.

[Jared Freid]

I would.

[Jordana Abraham]

Mentally, it's like a. Mentally, it's like a. Like a. A relationship you're not sure is going to.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, my God, are we getting engaged?

[Jordana Abraham]

Are we not getting engaged?

[Jared Freid]

Like, I feel like, dark thing to say. It's true, but. It's true. But I'm sure someone out there feels very seen by hearing that. Like, you know, and I. That's got to be scary. Like, I.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, total. I mean, yeah, that's, to me, like, definitely the worst part by far. But it's. It's funny because it's like, people will always, like, even people I don't know that they'll be like, how are you feeling? Or, like, how. Like, that's just the question you get all the time.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

And you're kind of like, I'm not gonna get into, like, that. So I'm, like, feeling great, like, blah, blah, blah. And so, like, I kind of hate that question.

[Jared Freid]

I've been doing it for six months.

[Jordana Abraham]

You know, Everyone has. It's like. And you get. You get it from, like, everyone, you know? And I know, like, obviously everyone's trying to be, like, nice.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Yeah. I guess this is why people should listen to the benefits episode, all the uncomfortable questions.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Because I guess from my end, which is the most important end, of course, in the pregnancy conversation, guy who has nothing to do with the pregnancy, I just. I'm always just like, I want to make sure you're good. I don't want to, like, make a big thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

But then I end up making a bigger thing than it has to be because I'm like the old guy going, how are you feeling? Like, hint, hint. You know what I'm talking about? Like, I'm like, the worst poker player in the world. Is that.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I think you've been. You're been.

[Jared Freid]

Okay, good.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

All right, well, listen, sign up for benefits if you want unfiltered questions.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. All the questions that you might be thinking but feel too embarrassed to.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Ask.

[Jared Freid]

We think this is interesting because we keep pushing it, you know? Like, I think it's going to be fun because we haven't taped it yet, but.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I think it will be too. I think it's a good spit because it's like, here's the thing. I don't think there's Any like, it's.

[Jared Freid]

It's out. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, sign up for benefits. It's out right now.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't think there's offensive questions. I think it's more like there's people who can ask you. It depends on who's asking.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And I think a good podcast is when you get to be a fly on the wall for a conversation you wouldn't have heard.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. So, you know, check out the benefits episode.

[Jared Freid]

The benefits.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's new with you?

[Jared Freid]

Nothing. I was at the Comedy Cellar last night, saw the stars and celebs there. Chappelle, Aziz, Jeff Ross. They were all out. And I did some sets. And what's the.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's the best time to go to comedy seller if you want a chance at seeing a celebrity?

[Jared Freid]

I'll give you. Exactly.

[Jordana Abraham]

And you me and just kidding me.

[Jared Freid]

I'm on calendar. They don't keep my calendar.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's the best time to go for the off calendar surprise.

[Jared Freid]

Off calendar surprise. Here's my best bet. You go Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. The week an SNL is happening.

[Jordana Abraham]

And SNL is on.

[Jared Freid]

Is on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

Because the host, whoever's hosting is going to be working on their set if they're, if they care to work on it. A lot of the snlp, if someone's doing like a guest thing on snl, they'll be through. So fall SNL week. Probably your best bet on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Because. And maybe Thursday, maybe they might do one set. You might get lucky. But like the idea of people roaming around.

[Jordana Abraham]

Not the weekend shows.

[Jared Freid]

No.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're never gonna see anyone. Right.

[Jared Freid]

The weekend.

[Jordana Abraham]

Most people have plans, so the weekend.

[Jared Freid]

Well, the thing is, if you're, if you're, if you're worth. If you're, if you're in New York City on the weekend, you're not making money. You know, you got to go on the road to make money, which is why you should go to Jared Freed dot com. I have tickets available for all of my shows. I'm in Milwaukee. Chicago might be sold out by this point. Boston is first show sold out. I'd like to get to three shows there. Second show is already selling. Philly's almost sold out all the cities. So I'm, I'm going all over the place. Tempe just added. And Fort Lauderdale, Miami for Thanksgiving weekend. So Orlando, San Diego. I haven't been in Orlando in forever, so I'll be on the tilt.

[Jordana Abraham]

I saw your flyer. You are everywhere.

[Jared Freid]

I'm all over this great country And I'm going to be spraying comedy on all your faces.

[Jordana Abraham]

So are New York tickets for New.

[Jared Freid]

York tickets are available. New York, Yeah, that's going to sell out. So. Yeah, Atlanta, that's going to sell out. So like I'd get on it. You know, I get people. I, I've given this speech before but like, I hate when people are like, I want to support. I hate that because it's like we, we have a good show and you get to listen and we all.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're not doing me any favors.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, there's no favors done. If you want a favor to me, would really be getting tickets early, like assembling the group chat. Like, that's a real favor to me because then I don't get the call. That's like J. J. Minneapolis, they always whisper. Minneapolis is just like not, not really selling well.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And come on.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then they're like, they're kind of like making it open ended so that you can be like the one to suggest.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Like that. Like, did I have any ideas? I'm like, I'm doing everything I can. I'm talking about it non stop. I'm writing it on my socials. So yeah, assemble the group chat, do all that good stuff. I don't know, I'm like in this like dating mode. I think this is like a great way. Like this is a great time of year for dating, but it's also like a little bit difficult. Like I, I was thinking about this, I was like, it's so interesting at 40, I'm like, have you gone to.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like a bar for, for football? I'm sorry, I've done the bar. Football in Delray is different than in New York.

[Jared Freid]

It's not different. It's social. Social. There's people out, there's people to talk to. I don't know, like dating has to. I don't know if it's a priority for me, as weird as that sounds like. I, I think most men want to believe it's a priority for them. Like I think we, like, I think a lot of our issues here on this podcast with men, like when women write in, it's this idea that men are lying, that dating is a priority for them. And I think there's something as. I think there's something. There's a difference between knowingly lying and being naive to what you're really. How you're acting and being right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, wanting something badly enough to do something about it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Or maybe not wanting it as badly as the per. Like you and I both feel pain, you know, and I. On a 1 to 10 basis, but my 10 is different than your 10. So it's like the same as for dating, when someone's like, yeah, it's a priority for me, I think, when a lot of men, generally speaking. But let me make it personal, so it's not really like me speaking. I'll make it personal and just believe that most guys are around where I am. I think we say it, believing it, that we're like, yeah, I want a date. I want to find a relationship. But we're not. There isn't the stakes and the dire.

[Jordana Abraham]

Doesn't feel as heavy.

[Jared Freid]

It doesn't. I. Because I end up texting with women and I'm like, texting because I don't have the time. Like, I'm on the road.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, again, pen pal mode.

[Jared Freid]

I'm in pen pal mode.

[Jordana Abraham]

Bethany.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, poor Bethany Frankel. I'm in. I'm in pen pal mode. And I'm talking with these people because there really is no other way for me. Like, when I'm on the road, I mean, you saw my schedule. Like, I have, like, you know where I am, I put online. If it'd be great to date me, you know where I am at all times. Like. Like, you can't miss.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's true. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, I have my schedules online. You can see when I'm at the seller. They don't even use a fake name at the seller. That's why I need you guys to follow me on Instagram so that I can have a fake name.

[Jordana Abraham]

So you can get to that level.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, let me ask you this. Let's say your life is a pie chart. Right? Right. And there's. Let's say there's like, five things on it. There's, like, comedy, there's family, there's friends, there's dating. I don't know what else is there. Is there anything else? And your health. Sure.

[Jared Freid]

Health, sex, titties. Okay. Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

That goes into the. Really. Okay, so, like, what percent in health?

[Jared Freid]

Is masturbation included in health?

[Jordana Abraham]

If it. If it helps your mental health in.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I think it goes in there. Okay. I just want to make sure I know my pie.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right, so that's your pie. Five slices. Let's say they're all 20%.

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

What are they actually for you, would you say?

[Jared Freid]

I would say. Well, comedy is work, but work and life.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, comedy, yeah, that's, you know, that's work, let's say.

[Jared Freid]

Well, right. But that's a hard thing. In a relationship, people like, what I do is fun. So coming here and talking about my pie chart and where masturbation lies in the pie chart of my life, that was your suggestion. I know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, that was positive, too.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. When you're sitting here asking me how much of my day is put into masturbation, I, I, it's not even like your day.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think it's more like your mental energy. Like, how much, how much are you concerned? How much are you thinking about? How much is it, like, in something that you are actively working on or.

[Jared Freid]

Like, or 80 work comedy.

[Jordana Abraham]

So it's 80 work comedy. And then you got 20 left for family, friends, health and dating.

[Jared Freid]

Yes, And I would say. So that's if friends are last.

[Jordana Abraham]

So that's like.

[Jared Freid]

Because I think that they'll be there for me.

[Jordana Abraham]

We'll start with the highest.

[Jared Freid]

Okay. Highest would be second dining.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay, so what is that, like 10? That's too high.

[Jared Freid]

That's maybe too high. Out of 20. Yeah, I would say it's 7%.

[Jordana Abraham]

7%. Okay, so that's 7%. So we got 13% left.

[Jared Freid]

13% left. And we had it between health, family. So the next would be family, which.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is what, like 5%?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Okay, now we're at 8.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. And then the other 4 and 4.

[Jared Freid]

I would say 4 and 4 for friends and health.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. And do you like this?

[Jared Freid]

Distribution masturbations and health.

[Jordana Abraham]

Could we cut into the, could we cut into the, to the, to the work percent and, like, distribute some more into the other areas of life or. No.

[Jared Freid]

Could. I mean, you don't want to. I mean, part of me moving is doing that. You know, like, moving to Del Rey was a lifestyle move. It wasn't a work move. If anything, it's made work harder.

[Jordana Abraham]

Has it changed the pie chart?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I would say it's, you know, it used to be 90.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. Something.

[Jared Freid]

It's gone down to 80.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

You know, because I get more time with my family, friends. Not as probably the same amount as before dating. Similar amount, but, like, probably less dating, more family since moving.

[Jordana Abraham]

That makes sense. Maybe you've gone.

[Jared Freid]

Maybe are more thoughtful, I think, since moving.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, I guess, like, in my mind, I'm like, okay, so for a lot of women, it's dating, like 50%. Right, right.

[Jared Freid]

And I can't match that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And I think when I get farther along with someone, I feel guilty because I'm like, it's almost like you, you're in a class that's too, like, I'm an AP Bio And I shouldn't be here. You know, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, mom called the school and made them put you in, even though you're not really ready.

[Jared Freid]

And week one and two, I'm like, this isn't so bad at all. I can handle AP Bio. And then week three, someone's like, did you sign into the portal and, like, get all the notes for the test today? And I'm like, there's a test today?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, right.

[Jared Freid]

And. And it feels like it builds up to a point. And. And like, this is a good analogy for my life because you've seen this where I'm like, yeah, I'm texting this person. There's this excitement, and you're like, who are they? And then I get to, like, through two weeks later, and you're. And I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do about this person. Like, I. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, I've said to you, as someone who's dating who dating was pro. Probably was much larger percent of the pie chart than you. I would say to you, I mean, whenever we've talked about this for a long time, and I've said, these people think they're dating you. Yeah, it means a lot more to them.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, well.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I say if, like, if I was in the women that you're talking to's shoes, if it was me and we were texting all day, most days.

[Jared Freid]

Let's. Let's all day.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. If we were texting most days.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, that's a better way to put it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Most days, I would be like, I'm dating this guy. We're between dates. He's a busy comedian. But we're. We're dating.

[Jared Freid]

We're giving it a shot. And I would agree with that. Like, I wouldn't look at them and be like, look at this crazy thinks we're dating. Like, I would be like, yeah, you. Good point.

[Jordana Abraham]

You'd be like, yeah, but I don't care.

[Jared Freid]

Well, I wouldn't say that. I'd be a little nice. I'd say, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. Holy. Like, I'll start. Look, you know, I'm sweating now. Like, I would be like, yeah, I guess we are.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. But if you wanted. If you really wanted a girlfriend.

[Jared Freid]

But this is the way it's put all the time. And I get frustrated by that. If you want a girlfriend, you'd be, you know, game for it. So then that does kind of like play in my head, and I'm like. And I start going, well, then it, like, get me out of this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, so you don't want a girlfriend?

[Jared Freid]

Well, that's what I have to deal with. That's what I'm wrestling with, this priority thing. Because it's like, I. You know. You know when you say, like, if you give 10 excuses, then.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. And none of them are. They're all fake. Right, Right.

[Jared Freid]

But I have 10 good excuses. Like, I'm like, for. Why it's not the time for me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because you don't want it badly enough. It's like, with a comedy, it's 80 because you want it really badly. So, like, you're gonna make sure if you say that you're committing to a comedy date, you're gonna be. You're not gonna not go to. You're not gonna cancel on Minneapolis.

[Jared Freid]

How sad.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're still going to Minneapolis.

[Jared Freid]

I'm like, it's 80 of my life, and I'm still here going, hey, guys, just buy the tickets early. You know, whatever you can do. And then, like, that's 80 of my life.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, you can't. I mean, it's the thing.

[Jared Freid]

That's why I'm so offended when someone messages me to, like, hang out. Like, someone. I'll get messages like, hey, let's go get drinks, and they don't follow me. And I'm like, do you think, like. Like, you've already angered me? Well, now you think I'm, like, just gonna go out with someone who's just, like, not supporting the 80 of my life that I care the most about?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, then flip it. Flip it around from them, from their angle.

[Jared Freid]

Fair.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Like, you're, you know, Think you're gonna. What their angle?

[Jordana Abraham]

Their angle is like, this is what I'm spend. You're. You know, I'm.

[Jared Freid]

We're dating, but I'm not messaging them. Like, hey, let's.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. I'm saying other people that you are talking to.

[Jared Freid]

Sure. Well, that's why I'm like, I guess I gotta cut some. I gotta make some cuts here.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, I guess it's either. I think it. I think. I think you need to, like, zoom out and it's like, make some cuts or, like, decide what you actually want. Like, decide if you want to take it.

[Jared Freid]

I think I'm better off just telling people I don't want.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe you should move down to. To the regular class.

[Jared Freid]

Got to move back. But then I won't get the AP credits, and then I won't be ahead in college.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that. I'm saying that.

[Jared Freid]

How will I do major?

[Jordana Abraham]

And then what if you said, I'm not looking for a relationship?

[Jared Freid]

I think it would make my life a lot easier if I like.

[Jordana Abraham]

So why don't you do that? Cuz you think you. Cuz part of you thinks you are.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. It's not because I'm like trying to some chick like, I, I think I take actually offense to that. That people say I'm looking for a relationship just to bang.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, there's also people who offer that.

[Jared Freid]

Masturbate all on my own, thank you very much.

[Jordana Abraham]

That goes into health.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I have a lot of health. I have to tend to 4% of my life.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, but do you, do you believe that the, that the career should be a smaller part of the pie chart or not really.

[Jared Freid]

You think you're like, I actually don't agree. I actually think I would be not a good candidate for what they're looking for if I concentrated on my career less.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, who's they?

[Jared Freid]

Women generally.

[Jordana Abraham]

All women.

[Jared Freid]

It does. No, the, the not all women and hashtag on not all women. So. I know, but I just think the one I. The women that I'd be attracted to.

[Jordana Abraham]

That they would be less attracted to you if you took your, If I.

[Jared Freid]

Took my career less seriously.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I think you're at a point, you're an established comedian. You're making a steady income on what you're doing. If it were me and I were looking to date someone, of course I'd want someone to be ambitious, but I would also want them to consistently see me every week.

[Jared Freid]

Sure.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think that would be. I think you assume people would, would, would take the trade off. And I think some, not everyone just wants the most successful person they could possibly find.

[Jared Freid]

But then would I be miserable in that relationship? Would I be in a relationship about you then?

[Jordana Abraham]

Not about them, though.

[Jared Freid]

It's always about me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

It's. Everyone needs to stop thinking it's about anyone but the person. Everyone is the star of their own movie. Like, everyone's trying to get to where they think they will be better off.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. But also, like, are you economics, Are you chasing a ghost? Like, what is the, what is the level where you'd be like, okay, I'm ready.

[Jared Freid]

Is this as good as it's ever gonna be?

[Jordana Abraham]

And do you want it to be 80 for the rest of your life?

[Jared Freid]

No, but the 80%. I have fun with the 80%. But I do have moments where I'm like, I'm living in repeats. Like a lot, you know, a lot of, like, I think a lot of the Reason people want to be in relationships isn't even to, like, be with a specific person. It's more to just see, like, the next level in the video game.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I mean, that's kind of what life's about, right?

[Jared Freid]

Right. Like, and that's why people get in bad relationships. They go, just get me to the next level. I want to see the next episode, Season two. So I don't. I'm, like, stuck in that right now because I'm like, it is a priority, but it's not. Like, my actions are not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Doesn't sound like it is.

[Jared Freid]

It isn't.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I mean, I think 5% of your life is not. What did we say it was? 8.

[Jared Freid]

8% of my life.

[Jordana Abraham]

8%. I don't think it's a priority. I would say something that's. I would say again, I think in a perfect world, everything's even right. So I would say to make something a priority, it has to be more than even. It would have to be like 30% to be a priority, which I don't think changes.

[Jared Freid]

I'm saying, like, I don't think 22% away.

[Jordana Abraham]

I would think about it like that. I would think about it, like, when it's over 20% of taking up your mental headspace, then you're actually looking for a relationship.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, you know, you're hugging a woman. You're like, this is nice. This is what I. You know, like, this is what it's all about. And then sometimes you're like, alone. No one's bothering you.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's everything.

[Jared Freid]

Like, this is nice.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, that's.

[Jared Freid]

This is what it's all about.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's like. That's like everything.

[Jared Freid]

I know, but I. I had this saying when I was, like, 25, and I think about it a lot. It's like. It's a weird view on life, but I think, you know, and I. It's less and less now at 40. But, like, if you're single, I envy you on a Saturday night, and I pity you on a Sunday morning.

[Jordana Abraham]

Do you still feel that way? Are you going out on Saturday nights?

[Jared Freid]

Not really. I'm not. Well, this is the other thing. I'm consumed with the 80%. There is a piece of me. And this is the falsehood of life. I mean, any motivational coach who got their, you know, their accreditation online, any Mel Robbins would say that if you're like. I'm like, if this and this happen, then I'll be less about work. But it's never that, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

It's your cheat. I mean, it's like, it's, if you ask any like billionaire, how much money is enough, there's no number, right? There's not, they're not like once I get to, once I get to this number I don't need, I can stop working.

[Jared Freid]

That's the fun of comedy. Like I, I, I, I love comedy because of the puzzle. It's a constant puzzle. The bits on stage, that's a puzzle. Figuring out this podcast and, and how to make it funnier and what segments we should do. That's a puzzle like figuring out like where, what podcast I should go on like getting the special sold, making it right. It's all like a really fun puzzle that I love doing that produces income like that. So I never think it's, I never want to stop doing the puzzle.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't think it's. Again, that's the 20 though. I don't think it's like no one's saying you should go to 5% or to 8% on that. But I remember my therapist telling me this because he was the one who kind of like threw the pie chart example and mine was like overly into like dating and relationships. Is that if you're too much invest, if the pie chart is, is too much in one facet of your life, then you're really prone to like overreacting or hyper fixating or like it kind of like makes it worse, right?

[Jared Freid]

Squeezed too hard because it, right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because it's so, so large. Then you're over like your everything becomes so sensitive around it, right. Because it's such a huge part. So the idea is to make it so there's so many other things going on in your life that you're not like freaking out because Minneapolis isn't selling.

[Jared Freid]

Or because it's not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Do you know what I mean? Like, I think it just like it makes it so like you take the edge like by making many things in your life like a big priority. You don't get too, it's a five.

[Jared Freid]

Well, it's a mutual fund.

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't get too upset about any one particular thing that's not going well. But if comedy is 90% of your life and you're not getting the thing that you're looking for there, of course you're all, you're going to think about it all day. You're going to like, it's going to consume you, it's going to fixate. You might, might actually self sabotage in a way.

[Jared Freid]

It's Fair. Well, that's like why I think I'm going to. I'm buying this place in Delray. Like I'm going to become more part of the community there. Like I think that's.

[Jordana Abraham]

I love it.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well make.

[Jared Freid]

I didn't want to make my announcement on your pregnancy. No, it's okay. You bought your bot at this point in contract. It should be. Yeah, we should be there.

[Jordana Abraham]

Congratulations.

[Jared Freid]

Thank you. It's a beautiful space.

[Jordana Abraham]

I saw pictures. Looks amazing. I'm really excited for you.

[Jared Freid]

Right near the beach. I'll be a beach bum.

[Jordana Abraham]

If you build it, they will come. I'm telling you.

[Jared Freid]

I think you're right. Well, hopefully the special gets sold and you know the book. The book is done.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh yeah. You got that book coming out.

[Jared Freid]

I always forget about the book that. You know that that's coming.

[Jordana Abraham]

As a non reader, I can understand why you would.

[Jared Freid]

No, I. They say things about the book that I'm like, man, who's. If people are reading books. Yeah. Who would do. Who would want this thing?

[Jordana Abraham]

Is there a pre order yet? It's available, yeah. Okay.

[Jared Freid]

I've gotten feedback from the book. I don't know if they just say these things. If this book is what like makes it all happen for me. I will laugh until the day I die because I have.

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't give a. About this.

[Jared Freid]

I don't give a. About this book.

[Jordana Abraham]

Put that on the inside.

[Jared Freid]

YouTube.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I. I'm waiting to be asked to be to blurb. I want to get a copy.

[Jared Freid]

You get a shout out. I did my thank yous today.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, wow. I got a shout out. I love it.

[Jared Freid]

Shout out to Jordana.

[Jordana Abraham]

Amazing.

[Jared Freid]

You Ronnie and Mike. Another book. I care about it, but it. It happened so weirdly. I. The way I wrote it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sometimes those are the things I'm saying.

[Jared Freid]

Like too tight. You're making me.

[Jordana Abraham]

More energy you put into something sometime or the more intense the outcome feels sometimes that really like holds you back.

[Jared Freid]

Well, it. It's funny because like there's times on this podcast and with the book it would be like, you'll ask me a question, I'll be like, oh, I remember. And I'll. This story will come out that I never thought of before. And that's what the whole book is. It's all these stories to like relate to mostly, you know, you're trying to. The audience is women, you know, generally that buy dating books. But it's like you're getting inside. Like the stories that you really. Men don't tell.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'M excited.

[Jared Freid]

And it's every. It's from breakup to breakup because that's all I know. So it goes from you got dumped, what do you do now? To downloading the apps, to you know, bringing, you know, dating, first date, second day, third day sex, bringing guys home, bringing to your friends, moving in, and then you break up.

[Jordana Abraham]

People are gonna love this.

[Jared Freid]

I'm called Walking Red flag.

[Jordana Abraham]

I love the title.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. It's coming out in June. And you know what else did. They were. I was like, I would love some art. Are you on the COVID I'm not on the COVID because I wanted cartoons.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Do you know. But like, maybe. Yes, but like, maybe does dating. They put more money into the book. Like, like, this is like, this is why I'm getting a vibe.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, wow.

[Jared Freid]

They put more money in the book to like buy art from her. Yeah, and her name's Ariana. She's like, unbelievable.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think I have her book. She's like, a book.

[Jared Freid]

She's got a book?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

She's just awesome. I'm a huge fan of her art, of her as a person. And so they put my graphics. So she did graphics for it. That could be like merch. Like, it looks great.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And then they were like, they were like, yeah, like old man CEO or whatever. Like, read the book and he loves it.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm like, old man, see, right?

[Jared Freid]

I'm like, well, at least we got the 60 year old man group.

[Jordana Abraham]

Those people need dating advice too, right?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, it's like married men like it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, No, I think it's, it's. I. I think it could be. You're. You're the thing that, the thing that.

[Jared Freid]

Changes everything, right, that we're making. I mean, the special. You saw that show, so we'll see. We'll see. Let's talk about some dating.

[Jordana Abraham]

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[Jared Freid]

Yeah, it's tough to find a good spot.

[Jordana Abraham]

Exactly.

[Jared Freid]

That's everything from skims. It's just like this like unbelievable combination of sexy and comfortable.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. The fabric is incredible. I wear it most nights until it gets dirty. I need more because when I've worn it too many nights in a row, I have to wash it and I can't wear it that night because I air dry it.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, now you got like to wear your other stuff.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, the old ratty sorority tee.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, it's.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not a cute look. You literally cannot go wrong with this skims sleep set. It is so comfortable. As you know, I have a large Christmas list and it is the perfect gift. Not just for me because I'm gonna get myself another pair, but for my mother in law, my sister in law, any siblings, any person in your life that you know enjoy a nice, comfortable and attractive set of pajamas. Perfect gift. You don't even have to think about it. Just get it. They'll be so excited to get it.

[Jared Freid]

Shop our favorite [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show from the dropdown menu that follows. And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the skims holiday shop is now [e-mail].

[Jordana Abraham]

You got an email. I'll read an email. All right.

[Jared Freid]

I would love to see your house this time of year.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not as spooky as it was when you were there. It's been renovated.

[Jared Freid]

I've been there for two years. I know. Still waiting.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're. It's. What do you mean? You have. You're gonna. If I invite you. If I said, jared, come out this weekend, you're gonna take a. You're gonna stay in New York and come out to Long island on the train.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I'll take you up on it.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm. You're welcome. That's why I'm like. That's why I'm like. I'm not gonna invite you to a specific time and when. It's kind of like whenever you are available and around to come out.

[Jared Freid]

All right, I'm in.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

All right. The YouTube commenters don't believe us.

[Jordana Abraham]

You have an open image challenge. Pool cover has been closed. So now you are. Now I can feel. Now I can know that pool.

[Jared Freid]

See how she's trying to tell me not to come? There's no pool.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, no, I'm saying. No, I'm saying the pool cover went on on Monday, so now I feel more at ease having people over, not being. Not looking at a broken pool.

[Jared Freid]

Did anyone ever swim in it this summer?

[Jordana Abraham]

We had. Yes. Two. Two swimming events.

[Jared Freid]

And how'd they go?

[Jordana Abraham]

They went well until all the equipment slowly started to break down.

[Jared Freid]

Did it make you happy? So it made you upset? You had the pool when it's.

[Jordana Abraham]

The pool has been the worst thing to happen to my entire summer. Yes. But hopefully next year it's.

[Jared Freid]

That's the problem with the pool. Yeah. It's always.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's always next year. It's always next year. Yeah. Literally, the pool was destroying my life. I need. I needed to, like, you can come.

[Jared Freid]

Get in an airplane. You can swim in my pool.

[Jordana Abraham]

Great.

[Jared Freid]

I got.

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't have to maintain your pool.

[Jared Freid]

So the best thing to do.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's what I learned. The best kind of pool is the one that is someone else's. It's like a boat.

[Jared Freid]

A boat. Right, Right. That's what they say about a boat.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. All right.

[Jared Freid]

Most relatable dating podcast on the Internet.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hi, Jared and Joanna. I'm hoping to get your perspective on a dilemma. I'M having about the next step in my relationship. I'm 33. My boyfriend is 35 and we've been together a year and a half. His lease is ending in November and he plans to move in with me. Exciting. Part of me is excited about sharing rent responsibilities and creating a space together, but I'm also nervous. I've never lived with a partner before while he has. He was previously engaged. I love him and know we can coexist happily, yet I feel more anxious than excited. When I was single, I wanted to step so badly, but now that it's here, I'm unsure. I see friends my age marrying, buying homes and having kids, and while I do feel left out, I don't feel jealous. I wonder if I'd want these things with the right person or if I only want what I feel like I can't have. I'm wondering what questions I should be asking myself and if there are questions I should be asking him too. Any insight is appreciated. Sincerely, a cold footed, really good email.

[Jared Freid]

Tough question.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I mean, we've both moved in with significant others.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

We've both had various.

[Jordana Abraham]

Gone different ways. Yes.

[Jared Freid]

What do you take from there now?

[Jordana Abraham]

I take it's interesting because she doesn't really write like any of what her actual hesitations are. Just it's so, to me that almost screams. It's like the hesitation with the idea of like commitment to one person without getting said unknown feeling that she thinks you should have.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which it's tough because like certain people get that feeling all the time. Certain people never get that feeling. And occasionally there are people who rarely get that feeling and then meet one person and oh my God. Oh my God. I know. Or so they say. Right. So it is a little bit hard. It's kind of like hard to answer this, only having your own personal experience as like one of these three types of people.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Because there's people who are like madly in love with everyone they meet and there's people who never feel like, oh, this person is the end all be.

[Jared Freid]

All right, well, what you're doing right now is you're giving the reason. This podcast is hard to make clips for. Because. Because you're right. Like, who are we? You know, I don't know what it's like to be you.

[Jordana Abraham]

And if your mind about dating, this.

[Jared Freid]

Was like the big thing, you're. You're hitting on something. Like when I was living with someone and, and I was like, is this right? Like, I gotta make decisions here. You don't know again this goes back to like, 10 pain for me and 10 pain for you are different.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

So it's like she's doing this thing of like, everyone else is moving in. Is this the feeling I have when I move in? But I'm not even like, dancing through the, you know. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, I should be 100 sure. Right. There's no one better for me in the world.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And it's like in, in a world of endless choice and, and opportunity, especially the way she's talking about it. I think her email kind of like, she needs to, like, adjust. If I were to give her advice and she asked questions to ask because, I don't know, like, you.

[Jordana Abraham]

She doesn't say anything that's like, missing or wrong from the relationship. It just seems like a general. This is feeling.

[Jared Freid]

Well, also, this is the next thing to do.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Like, and every, that's the relationship thing. The relationship is a bus. We gotta get to the next stop. We might hit traffic. The next stop, though, is coming.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And it's tough to jump out of the bus before the next stop, you know? So she's sitting there and she's probably where I am, where I was when I moved in. I'm like, everything's good. Yeah. Why wouldn't we move in?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And that's kind of like, I don't know if I would do it that way again and again. That makes it harder to find someone to move in with. You know, as you've said, a lot like, it's all about risk tolerance.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. And how badly you want this thing.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Do you need the next level of life? Do you need the next episode? If you're sitting there going, I don't know if I need the next episode. I don't know if that's the next episode I want to see. I mean, I wouldn't do it, but also, I, I, I don't know about her situation. I would say things to stop doing. If I'm to give her, like, a direct answer. I think saying, I'm 33. My boyfriend is 35. We've been together a year and a half. His lease is ending in November and plans to move in with me. This is very New York. This is very city. This idea that the lease is the reason for this happening.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Lease runs up. Oh, I guess we should move in. It makes it cheaper. It's a little too, again, to the Slurpee of life and how you make decisions. How much of a logical. And how much of is it romantic?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, it's like Sly. I think there's an article about this. It was like, sliding versus deciding. And you're gonna do better as a couple if you're deciding to move in together instead of, like, you're sliding into this apartment because of logistics, right?

[Jared Freid]

So why don't we make a list, you know, not to, like, you know, be Ross Geller and.

[Jordana Abraham]

But it's like, was it Ben Stiller in a Long Came Polly where he's the risk assessor?

[Jared Freid]

A little. Yeah, he's the risk assessor. Like, I think, like, if you guys got together and you wrote on a whiteboard, reasons we're excited to move in, and you guys kind of look at that list together and, you know, I might be harder to do together. Maybe you do it on your own. But, like, I would get into reasons. I'm excited, like, because when I look back at moving in, I wish I was more excited and I wish I was more, like, like, acknowledged that I was, like, kind of. I mean, sliding, right? Instead of deciding, I. Yeah, yeah. Riding or whatever the thing is. Yeah. Hip hop.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think it's tough. And I also.

[Jared Freid]

I'm like, the. I would.

[Jordana Abraham]

If I were. I'd look at my own dating history also. And, like, because it's kind of like she wants that feeling, right? That feeling of like, oh, my God, I've found it. I've got it right? Is that a feeling she has felt before? Is that a feeling she feels often? Is that, like. Because I. Again, I don't think it's like, every single person has the same level of criteria or level of, like, wanting something or level of, like. Because it's like, anything else. Like, if you were buying a condo, right? You could probably say, look, like. Look at a bunch and be like, there's nothing I really like here. I don't really need to buy, so I'm not gonna buy, right? Or you could say, like, I really, really want to buy a place. It's really important to me. So I'm gonna buy this place. And it's a little. It's not exactly perfect, but, like, it. We. Like, I live here. Well, I enjoy it. It could be better, it could be worse. And I'm really enjoying, you know, and I really want to live somewhere and buy some more. So I'm gonna buy it. Like, those are two different people.

[Jared Freid]

The problem, though, is with a house, you can go, hey, you know, maybe in a few years, I can get rid of this house and get a new house.

[Jordana Abraham]

You could move out of an apartment. Like, and we say this all the time. Like, you just like I think the way that you think about it, like, the difference is, like, not really the difference. It's like you can always leave any situ. Pretty much any situation.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Moving in isn't the end. It's.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. You could get married and decide the people do it all the time. They get married and then they realize that it wasn't the right choice.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Well, she has obviously more.

[Jordana Abraham]

It gets more complicated the more, like it's more. It's easier to. To rent a place and then not like it and leave than it is to buy a place. But it doesn't mean that, like it can't be done.

[Jared Freid]

But that goes into the decision of, like, what excites me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

You know what I mean? Like, no. While writing your list of what excites you. No. You can move out at any time. Like, this isn't the be all, end all. It's not the end. It's the next decision.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. And this guy's been engaged before, so I'm tempted to think that this guy has a lower bar for like, you know, I don't think it's that you're so perfect and he feels like you're so out of his league that he needs to immediately lock you down. I would imagine if he's a. No, I'm saying he's a guy who's been engaged before, so he's not afraid.

[Jared Freid]

He's afraid.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. But I don't think it's like, because it's. Because she's so amazing. I think it's like that type of person wants to be in a relationship, wants to be probably married, and so they're like, more likely to be excited about doing something around that. I don't think it's necessarily so person dependent.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Everyone is going to annoy you. Like.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Annoy you is different than, you know, be the wrong decision for the rest of your life.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. But there's no way to know if you're. If that's right, you're not gonna know.

[Jared Freid]

But for now, if you're looking, I think, like for them, like looking for getting away from the logistics stuff.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I think that's like, that kind of like, makes it boring.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Well, as Lisa's up, so we're together.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Is there any excitement? Are you. Right.

[Jared Freid]

It's just not a fun way to move in.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, I imagine your life without this person.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Can you imagine living when you imagine yourself in an apartment by yourself? Like, if you imagine yourself in an apartment, you know, Whisking eggs alone in the dark. Are you happy? Are you sad?

[Jordana Abraham]

How are. How are you?

[Jared Freid]

I'll never forget it. When I moved out and, like, was broken up and I was in this, like, studio apartment in the West Village, and I was on my own, and I was whisking eggs. I was whisking egg whites with, like, salt and pepper to, like, make my breakfast. I was like, I literally went, ah, I'm as calm as I've ever been in my life.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right, so that was a good choice for you.

[Jared Freid]

It was a good choice for me, but it wasn't because. And now looking back, I'm like, maybe because that was, like, I didn't have to make any more decisions, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, you didn't have. The confrontation was over, Right? Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And that was it.

[Jordana Abraham]

But I'm sure, like, when you were still in it and happy to be there, there was. You probably would have enjoyed making eggs with someone else in the other room, right?

[Jared Freid]

You would hope.

[Jordana Abraham]

I would hope. I don't know.

[Jared Freid]

So.

[Jordana Abraham]

This episode is sponsored by Built. Nobody likes paying rent every month. I mean, honestly, have you ever met anyone who's like, ugh, yes, I love sending away a bunch of my money. If you dread the first of the month every month, at least Built makes it worth it. Built is revolutionizing how millions think about paying rent by rewarding their members with points and exclusive benefits around their neighborhood every single month. By paying rent through Built, you earn flexible points that can be redeemed toward hundreds of hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, your next Lyft ride, and more. But it doesn't stop there. Built is about making your entire neighborhood more rewarding. You can dine out at your favorite local restaurants and earn additional points, get VIP treatment at certain fitness studios, and enjoy exclusive experiences just for Built members every month. Bilt is turning a monthly expense into an opportunity to earn rewards and discover the best that your neighborhood has to offer. Your rent is finally working for you. Earn points on rent around your neighborhood, wherever you call home, by going to join built.comUUP that's J-O-I-N B I L T.comUUP make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. This episode is sponsored by Abercrombie. If you're heading home for the holidays, Abercrombie has you covered. Their new winter collection has everything to keep you looking put together, even when your schedule is anything but. Their matching sweatsets are basically your holiday uniform. Cozy, cute, and perfect for the airport. If you have a lot of travel ahead and back home you've got family dinners, festive nights out, running errands and last minute shopping. No problem. Cozy sweaters and Abercrombie denim fits every plan and every vibe. Honestly, the holidays are hectic enough so Abercrombie just makes looking great way easier. I love all of my Abercrombie sweatpants and sweatshirts. I have this amazing like grout fit sweatpants zip up combo. It is the softest, most comfortable thing. I wear it everywhere. I wear it to do my errands, I wear it to brunch. Literally. I cannot wait to get home and put them on. So check them out. Get your holiday style sorted with Abber Cromie. Abber Crombie drops new arrivals every week. Shop in the app, online or in stores.

[Jared Freid]

Let's do an ick here pick all.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right, let's do it.

[Jared Freid]

UUP betches.com that's where you send these email Icky or Picky is the game where you're dating someone, they do something, you thought it was an ick and we tell you whether you're right or you're being a little picky.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's do it.

[Jared Freid]

J and J thanks for all you do. Love the pod. I got a Nicky or Picky for you for context. I'm a mid-30s female and currently living in New York City. I'm looking for a relationship though I've been on and off the apps for over five years without anything serious. The question is if a guy proposes dinner for the first date, is it rude to ask to do coffee or drinks instead? I generally find dinner to be a big time commitment for the first date when you haven't met someone and prefer coffee or a drink instead as it's easier to end the date after an hour or so if it's not going well. A guy I had briefly been chatting with on Bumble asked me for dinner. I then asked about a drink instead. I had checked his profile to make sure he wasn't sober. One of his interests was listed as beer.

[Jordana Abraham]

That'll tell you.

[Jared Freid]

So what are you interested in?

[Jordana Abraham]

Beer?

[Jared Freid]

Just a cold one so I assumed he's not. Lol. He stopped responding. Do you think he was offended that I didn't take him up on the offer or assumed I wasn't being serious enough about dating?

[Jordana Abraham]

Have you ever been offended by someone not taking dating seriously enough?

[Jared Freid]

Jared it is a wild assumption and I'm sorry to laugh at her question. But like this goes back to like no man would be. You don't want dinner with me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Not taking this seriously.

[Jared Freid]

You need to take this. Yeah. Was he being picky or was I being icky? Screenshots of the whole convo up until that moment. Attached in case. It's helpful, but it's probably more info than you need. Well, we love a screenshot, so.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

If you have screenshots, send them in. We can decipher all those. You ready? You be here. I'll be.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. So she sent a. But they sent a bunch of screenshots. They're basically. It's. The conversation's not, like, immediate. Get dinner. He's. They're talking about traveling. They're talking about, like, they're, like, shooting the. A little bit as you do.

[Jared Freid]

So there was enough conversation for something to happen.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Which is important. It wasn't like. Because some people do that. Hey, let's put aside all this crap on the app. We're a bunch of cool kids. Let's just grab dinner.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

And I'm always like, how about we not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I got people first.

[Jared Freid]

Not this. Okay. You ready? I'll be him. It's called Alpha. It's a school for K through 8th graders that uses a lot of AI this conversation sounds like it was fun. How about I tell you about it over dinner? That was pretty slick.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

All right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Nothing wrong with that.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, good for him.

[Jordana Abraham]

How about a drink? If that's okay with you. Usually prefer that for the first date. Smiley face. What's your schedule like? And then no answer.

[Jared Freid]

I think this is, like, two people. This is great. I, I loved her. Her response.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, great response.

[Jared Freid]

Great response. Kept it positive, has a smiley face, like, all of this is good.

[Jordana Abraham]

Do you think he didn't answer because he's of offended?

[Jared Freid]

No, there's no way he's offended.

[Jordana Abraham]

You think he just kind of, like, decided not to? Well, not to follow up. Like, why would a guy ask you to dinner and then disappear? Yeah, just wanted to see if he would. Have you done this?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I've probably done something similar where I'm like, are you like, let's do drinks. And then all of a sudden they're like, like, I can't do this week. Like, there's, like, one thing that gets in the way, and I'm like, it. I'll move it on the next person. Okay. Especially on a dating app.

[Jordana Abraham]

But she didn't say. She did say, like, yes.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I, I, I, or he, you know, I, I tend to think the most. You know, I think there's called. There's a There's a name for this, but it's like the most probable thing is, like, the most obvious.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Where it's like, he's on the dating apps and someone else said yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

The most obvious answer is usually the right answer.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And it's like, it has nothing to do with her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Y.

[Jared Freid]

It has nothing to do with doing something wrong. Wanting drinks for a first date is totally normal.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's totally like, I would do the same thing.

[Jared Freid]

I would do the same thing. Right. Like, and the way she wrote it was perfect.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Happy, positive. I. I see your dinner, but I'm looking to do I raise your drink. Right. Like, I think as far as icky picky. I don't. I mean, if it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's think it's a little icky if someone wants to take me for dinner on a first date. We've never met. Right. Personally, like, I'm.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. You and I are closer to her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

But it's not like, here's what she didn't do, which is great. I. You know, how about a drink? That's okay. You should prefer that for the first date. Smiley face was. She didn't make the other person feel like a big idiot.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. By being like, I don't do dinner on the first date.

[Jared Freid]

Or, like, preferred it. She wrote it all so nicely.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

That it would be hard for me to believe that. The most extreme example where he's like, you won't do dinner with me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Well, off. I got plenty of choices out here. I'm talking about AI At K through eight schools.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Right. And if he actually thinks that, then, like, good.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Job.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Any reason other than I've started dating someone else or I've just, like, I lost momentum for this myself. That's a reason.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Ah.

[Jordana Abraham]

It didn't happen again. You know, there is a feeling which I think is accurate of, like, I don't really owe anyone on the apps anything, so I could. Unless we're physically in front of each other. Like, I could never speak to you again at any point leading up to the state.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Right. Which is way. Which is like, a tough way to deal with people.

[Jordana Abraham]

It is, but it's also.

[Jared Freid]

That's what the. That's kind of the stakes.

[Jordana Abraham]

Those are the stakes.

[Jared Freid]

Right. We. We are living in a world created by nerds for nerds. This is what they wanted. They wanted the ability to not have to deal with people. And that's what a dating app gives you the ability to do. It's just toss away people. Like, they're time to be alive.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which sucks if you're on the receiving end, but is kind of nice if you're on the other end. Right.

[Jared Freid]

Good for him. I mean, I'm sure.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think we've all been, like, felt disposable, and I think we've all disposed of others, so.

[Jared Freid]

A great point.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's.

[Jared Freid]

That's something we kind of forget. When you're disposed of, you're like, everyone's disposable now.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And then when you're talking to someone.

[Jordana Abraham]

You'Re like, this person sucks. I'm not gonna answer them. You're like, right. Like, how great that they don't have my number.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I never have to.

[Jordana Abraham]

I never have. I don't have to look them in the eye and tell them I don't want to hang out.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I was thinking about dinner with them, but just maybe not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, maybe this guy got distracted. Who knows?

[Jared Freid]

Let's do another email. Uuppetches.com hi, J&J.

[Jordana Abraham]

Love the podcast. Been a longtime listener and recently became a U up with benefit subscriber. Love that. Even saw Jared's show in Denver. It was awesome.

[Jared Freid]

I love meeting the subscribers on the road. I'm happy they had fun in Denver. Was a great time. I can imagine all my shows. Jared free dot com.

[Jordana Abraham]

Get your tickets. Get your tickets. 80% of his life.

[Jared Freid]

That's right. I have nothing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Otherwise, no family, no friends. I do this for you. I die for my. My work.

[Jordana Abraham]

It was awesome. I was the. I was the one there alone next to the happily married couple.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, I made a video about this. Oh, she was very nice. Well, because they have seats on stage. They're like, literally on the stage with you.

[Jordana Abraham]

So it's like, oh, that's funny.

[Jared Freid]

So I go, There was a point where I'm like, take. You know, crowd work now is like all over the Internet. But, like, I kind of like with crowd work stuff. I'm like, I'll let it happen. I'm not like, trying to, like, dig for videos.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And. But I'll stop to take a breath from my act to be like, okay, nice to meet you guys. You're on stage. They're literally right there. And we had a fun interaction where they were like, we're married. We're not with her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Please don't loop us in.

[Jared Freid]

Right. It was like a very like. And like, it's so funny to think, like, you came alone to a show, which is like, I think wonderful comedy shows are great thing to go to.

[Jordana Abraham]

Alone, like, what's the worst that could happen? The whole crowd knows that you're there alone, right?

[Jared Freid]

She got the worst case scenario. And then this married couple, I was like, so you know them, you're the friend? And they're like, no, we don't know her at all. We are. Please.

[Jordana Abraham]

Again, absolutely no relationship at all.

[Jared Freid]

Right. So, yeah, you can check out it on YouTube. It's on YouTube. It's called Heckling Honeymooners. It's on my YouTube channel right now. I'm gonna watch the whole interaction.

[Jordana Abraham]

I really related to what Jared said about feeling apathy towards dating. That episode inspired me to write in.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, good.

[Jordana Abraham]

I live in a fellow. A fellow. A fellow pie charter.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, there we go. 80 percenters.

[Jordana Abraham]

I live in Denver, and despite the member reputation, dating here feels impossible. The apps are draining. Meeting people in the wild never happens. And as a first responder with a shift schedule, lining up dates is tough.

[Jared Freid]

Thank you for your service.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. I also work in a male dominated field where dating coworkers is taboo. But after three years of no luck, I've started to reconsider. There's a guy I work with, let's call him Nick. No instant spark, but we had a lot in common.

[Jared Freid]

Nurse Nick.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is he a nurse?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know.

[Jordana Abraham]

No instant spark, but we had a lot in common and both want kids someday. Is that having a lot in common?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's like a.

[Jared Freid]

It seems like she's really.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's a lot of people.

[Jared Freid]

She's really digging.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

We both breathe air.

[Jordana Abraham]

Breathe. I was about to say, like, you know, we breathe in October. Oxygen.

[Jared Freid]

He's a nose breather, I'm a mouth breather, but we both breathe.

[Jordana Abraham]

Our hair is slightly different color. Shades of brown. Okay, anyway, let's just not make this.

[Jared Freid]

Your our story page when you guys get married.

[Jordana Abraham]

He once asked how dating was going, which led to a quick convo that felt like him checking if I was single.

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

The next morning, he followed me on Instagram. Interesting, but no DM or likes. A month later, after a few drinks, I decided to DM him first. Here we go. The chat was fine, but went nowhere. That was six weeks ago. My friends think he's hesitant because we work together, but I feel like I already opened the door. I still want to feel pursued, not like I'm begging for a date. So my question, do I make a move again or just assume he's not interested? Thanks for all the laughs and advice, first responder in the friend zone. All right, let's Read this. These texts. I'll be.

[Jared Freid]

It's so funny the way she wrote this email.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, there's this guy I don't really like.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

There's no one else around, and we both want to procreate at some point.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think you can make talk about not exciting sounding.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I mean, I think my answer's already, like, decided based on the email. But, like, you can make some negotiations with yourself, like, or you can make some compromises.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

How many, though? You know, like, there's a point where you go, this girl, she was fun. I remember for her from up front, she's cute. She's got a great job. I know she's gone through some, but, like, and now she's like this guy who's like, just followed her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, and. And nothing else. And now her friends are like, he's being hesitant.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's work.

[Jared Freid]

It's like, she's done enough.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, Right. Let's do the text. Okay, I'll be her. Hi. I feel like we had a good connection at Red Rocks, and then you followed me after. I thought you'd follow up, but maybe I misread things and wanted to see if you'd be interested in hanging out again.

[Jared Freid]

Hey, we definitely did have a good connection. You seem pretty cool. We have a lot of common interests, so I'd be down to hang out for sure. Just don't want to lead you on if it doesn't go in a romantic direction. Over.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's a no.

[Jared Freid]

That's a no.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, are you looking for a romantic direction or just friends?

[Jared Freid]

I think it's best to start out as friends.

[Jordana Abraham]

He said start out as I would be like, he said, start out as friends.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which means we could be more.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. But it doesn't go friends. Here's. Here's how it doesn't go. You start as friends, and then you become boyfriend, girlfriend. And then you have sex.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

It starts as friends, then you go down on one another, then you have sex, then you become broken up because he doesn't have the time and doesn't see it going anywhere.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Let's remember the pemdas here, people.

[Jordana Abraham]

So he says, he says, I think it's best to start as friends. She says, I agree. I'm out of town right now, but I'll be back on the eighth. Let me know if you want to do something nice.

[Jared Freid]

That's the day I get promoted.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right. Counting is. Counting is.

[Jared Freid]

Wouldn't you like to suck the dick of a friend who just got A great new job.

[Jordana Abraham]

He didn't say that.

[Jared Freid]

Nice. That's the day I got promoted. I get such a.

[Jordana Abraham]

That is such a weird thing to write.

[Jared Freid]

Maybe not for them, but reading it from our angle, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

It's like, just wait till you get promoted.

[Jared Freid]

Nice.

[Jordana Abraham]

Also, like, why does that. Why does it matter, right?

[Jared Freid]

You just said you want to be friends. You're selling yourself.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

Nice. That's the day I get promoted. Are you out back home?

[Jordana Abraham]

That's exciting. Do you know where you're. Where you're going? And. Yeah, me and my friends do a Montauk trip every Labor Day weekend.

[Jared Freid]

She goes from Denver to Montauk.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's a long trip.

[Jared Freid]

That's quite on a weekend. Long week. What if the weather doesn't work out?

[Jordana Abraham]

Good for them.

[Jared Freid]

Good for them. I can think of seven other places they should go instead of Montauk.

[Jordana Abraham]

It sounds fun. I don't know.

[Jared Freid]

I think women get. Get like, obsessed with the idea of something.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's not where you are, it's who you're with.

[Jared Freid]

She's with nobody on the two flights and the train to the Montauk. Anyway, I'm sorry. I digress.

[Jordana Abraham]

We digress.

[Jared Freid]

She could have been somewhere weird in Texas going to D3B shift. They must work on that.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't know what that is.

[Jared Freid]

On the hospital floor on the Death Star, it sounds like a conversation two people on Star wars would have going to C3PO shift. Oh, that sounds fun. What all is included in that trip?

[Jordana Abraham]

So she asks.

[Jared Freid]

Sounds like a guy who's never been to Montauk.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

They're living two different lives. Okay, go ahead.

[Jordana Abraham]

So she's. So her question is, do I make a move again or just assume he's not interested. I'm gonna go with assume he's not interested.

[Jared Freid]

You want two different things. I mean, to go back to our conversation. I think the conversation we had in the beginning that I made personal. I die for my art here. I gave. You know, when I'm talking about priorities and dating, this guy said thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, you're worse than this guy. This guy.

[Jared Freid]

I'm worse than this guy.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're. I don't know if you would say this exact thing to someone Dming you, like, this is like as honest as you're ever gonna get a guy.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Being he's basically saying, I am not.

[Jared Freid]

Damn it.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is like the nicest way you could say, I'm not interested. I think.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, well, this is the nicest way to say, I would love to. You But I don't want to date you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Why? Do you think he wants to even hook up?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Do you think he followed her? Let's start as friends. You wouldn't even say that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, I thought that was. He was just saying that to be, like, nice.

[Jared Freid]

What's nice about that?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, I'm not. Not interested.

[Jared Freid]

It's him saying, I would hook up. I would hook up.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

It's not him saying so.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's so you. You think that you're reading this as him being like, I would actually. I would hook up with you, but I'm not looking to date you.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I would say okay, because I took.

[Jordana Abraham]

It as like, I'm not interested at all.

[Jared Freid]

I think everyone should think when they're. When they're, like, dealing with someone, a guy is thinking of how far away he is. How far away can he make himself from the next step? And the farther he's making himself from the next step is, the less he wants a relationship. So when he's like, let's start as friends, it's not, let's start as a date. Date one is closer to what are we right? Than friends are. So he's like, no, I want to start way back there at friends.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

And then the next stop is hook up. And the next stop is like, I don't know if we want to ruin the friendship. And then the next stop is, yeah, I guess we could try this out. Let's be, you know, exclusive, but not in a relationship. These are all ways slowing it down. These are all ways invented by men to slow things down, to not be bothered about what we're doing here.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay?

[Jared Freid]

He's doing that right now. He's going, well, I can put this way back there instead of starting it here. Starting it here would be, let's go on a first date and see what this is all about. Because I don't even understand what that means. Let's be friends first, and then we'll see about the romantic. Like, that's kind of what dating is, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

No, that's true. So, okay, so you're agreeing in agreement that he's not interested in dating on the. Even though they both want kids. How will he find someone else who wants this criteria?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know where he's gonna find them. Yeah, Denver, maybe. Not in Montauk. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft. But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our US based restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed your money back. Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Lifelock. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

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[Jordana Abraham]

No, not in Montauk. Play some games.

[Jared Freid]

Red Flagger, Deal Break. You can Send yours in UUP betches.com Also subscribe to the YouTube. We're doing a lot of cool stuff there. We're doing, you know, you up for more, which is a hit. Yes, people really love those.

[Jordana Abraham]

Doing some fun, creative stuff on there.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, it's really where we get to like take out the crayons and draw on the menu.

[Jordana Abraham]

So yes, speaking of the menu, Red.

[Jared Freid]

Flag or deal breaker. It's the game where you're dating someone. One thing happens. Is it a red flag or is it a deal breaker? Jared and Jordana. Huge fan, loyal listener. I saw Jared in Tampa and cried, laughing. That was a while ago. I'm going back to Tampa.

[Jordana Abraham]

Nice.

[Jared Freid]

Really?

[Jordana Abraham]

Not to be confused with Tempe.

[Jared Freid]

Not to be confused. Tempeh.

[Jordana Abraham]

Tempeh.

[Jared Freid]

Tempe.

[Jordana Abraham]

Tempe. Tempe. I did it wrong again.

[Jared Freid]

Wow.

[Jordana Abraham]

It wasn't even a joke.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, I thought you were a joke.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I wasn't even joking because I knew I pronounced it wrong as Tempe. Right. But then I then I thought it was tempeh.

[Jared Freid]

It's not a substitute for a protein in the vegan diet. So I've got a red flag or deal breaker inspired by your recent convo about zins and nicotine patches. Back in 2022, I was in a situationship for about eight months. Great chemistry, shared values. Both Taking it slow. Like one of those, wow, this might actually go somewhere thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's not a situationship at all. It's really the opposite of a situationship. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I was in this great we met up at 2am Fest. Yeah. Same values.

[Jordana Abraham]

Both want kids someday, but not now. Other people.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Here's where it gets weird. I quit smoking a while ago and I've been using nicotine lozenges. I hate the word lozenges.

[Jordana Abraham]

Not a great word.

[Jared Freid]

Not a great for Jews because of the hard Z. Just. You sound extra Jewy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Lozenges.

[Jared Freid]

Do you need a lozenge?

[Jordana Abraham]

Lozenge.

[Jared Freid]

I have some lozenges. Like, doesn't an old woman. Doesn't that make you think of an old Jewish woman?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Like the candies from your purse.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I got plenty of lives.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't think they're holding. Coughing I don't think they're giving out nicotine lozenges.

[Jared Freid]

No, not those.

[Jordana Abraham]

A monkey.

[Jared Freid]

You're coughing. Do you want a nicotine lozenge? They're for smoking, but I can use them for other things. They're nicotine replacement therapy, basically. Like the patch or gum, but it's a little chalky mint you put under your tongue and dissolves and gives you a small dose of nicotine. I taste like. I take like 8 to 10 a day.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's a lot.

[Jared Freid]

It's my toxic little vitamin.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. She's trying to quit smoking.

[Jared Freid]

I listen. I just like that she's made it sexy. Sexy.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's my toxic, sexy little nicotine patch.

[Jared Freid]

Anyway, one. One night, I fell asleep at his place with one in my mouth. Didn't think anything of it. The next day he texts me a photo of his pillowcase. It's covered in these random white chalky streaks. He says, you left some cosmic streaks. Lol. I felt.

[Jordana Abraham]

What would be your immediate thought if someone said you left some cosmic streaks on your. On a.

[Jared Freid]

Like, is my blue.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes, that's right.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Cosmic streaks. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's such a weird way to.

[Jared Freid]

I guess because of the color. If they were chalky, I guess that is somewhat cosmic.

[Jordana Abraham]

I guess. But streaks is a word I associate with.

[Jared Freid]

Yes, the word streaks and lozenges. Both not sexy words I wouldn't use.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I felt horrific and ashamed. Two weeks later, we end things technically mutual. But I've always wondered, was it really mutual?

[Jordana Abraham]

If you have to ask, it wasn't mutual.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I think you would have stayed. Did I get dumped because I left nicotine hieroglyphics on his sheets? So what do you think? A hot girl, accidentally. A hot girl? Me?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

So what do you think? A hot girl accidentally smearing nicotine therapy dust on your bedding? Red flagger. Deal breaker. Signed, nice. Nick yes or Nick no.

[Jordana Abraham]

Why? Nick. Oh, nicotine. Okay.

[Jared Freid]

It's okay. All right, what do we think?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Took me a minute.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think if he was into her, he wouldn't care.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I don't think that would be.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I don't think that would.

[Jared Freid]

I wouldn't be icked out. I, I, you know, I would be.

[Jordana Abraham]

Would you know what it was?

[Jared Freid]

No. But 8 to 10 nicotine lozenges a.

[Jordana Abraham]

Day, that does seem like a lot.

[Jared Freid]

Like, they wouldn't end things for me, but, like, I remember I met a girl who would. Like, she drank so many Red Bulls that she smelled like Red Bull.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, that's not cute.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, that. I was like, I can't even, like, drink Red Bull anymore. Like, knowing that.

[Jordana Abraham]

That you ruined Red Bull for me.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Like, it, like, it was such a smell.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. It's not exactly like, something you associate with, like, a mature grown woman.

[Jared Freid]

Have you ever seen someone, like, there's. There's just, like, morning things and there's not morning things for me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, you ever see someone, like, instead of a coffee, they, like, have a monster energy drink and you're like, I'm out.

[Jordana Abraham]

Gross. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

We don't know each other.

[Jordana Abraham]

Not the same people. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Do you know what I mean? So, like, eight to ten nicotine lozenges.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, that could have been a factor for him.

[Jared Freid]

It could have been that we're just two different people.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure.

[Jared Freid]

And I gotta end this. And also, if you're saying I'm in a situationship that ended mutually, but probably not. Like, I think she's connecting one of.

[Jordana Abraham]

Those wow, this might actually go somewhere things.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I think when you say, wow, this might actually go somewhere, but it's a situationship that is. You're. You're hooking up with someone who's not as dumb as you think he is. He's someone who realizes you like him more than you than he likes you. There is a end date on this, and he pulled the cord. It had nothing to do with. And here's the thing with the nicotine streaks on the pillow. Oh. She's gotten very comfortable here.

[Jordana Abraham]

Now it's time for her to leave.

[Jared Freid]

Time to go.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is like leaving your toothbrush there.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a little too girlfriendy for what I'm looking for. And I kind of sense she liked me.

[Jordana Abraham]

So you don't think it's about the. The Nick the butt nicotine vitamin thing?

[Jared Freid]

She likes me enough to not right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, this would have ended anyway.

[Jared Freid]

It's like if a woman ever was just like, oh my God, pull my finger and then ripped a fart, I'd be like, oh, she's like in love. Like.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I will just say no situationship ever ends mutually. That's sort of like in the nature of the word. Situationship is that one person wants more commitment than the other.

[Jared Freid]

That's how it works. You told us everything we needed to know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

You came to the right and wrong place. Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right, let's do another one.

[Jared Freid]

Go ahead.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hey, Jared and Jan, I need your take on something my boyfriend did that's been bothering me. Oh, we're ready.

[Jared Freid]

End it.

[Jordana Abraham]

So I've always had a pretty flat butt. I don't hate it, but sometimes I wish I had a little more shape. So close. Fit better.

[Jared Freid]

Danny, flat ass.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's not nice.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, sorry.

[Jordana Abraham]

What is my middle school bully here.

[Jared Freid]

The cameras are on.

[Jordana Abraham]

I was on the skim site looking for a bra and saw these spandex shorts with built in padding to make your butt look a little fuller.

[Jared Freid]

Skims is really on the forefront of all sexualized technology.

[Jordana Abraham]

They do. They've got the nipple bra.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, you've seen that one? I know it well. Yeah, they have the, the, the merkin.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh yeah, the fake pubes. Is that what they sent you?

[Jared Freid]

That's what they sent me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I don't need it.

[Jordana Abraham]

I was on this. Okay. I thought it was kind of.

[Jared Freid]

Everyone here got that joke late.

[Jordana Abraham]

I thought it was kind of funny, but also wanted to try them. Not to wear every day, but maybe under a dress or jeans for a curvier look. When they arrived, I tried them on and my boyfriend completely freaked out. He asked who are you trying to impress? And said it was so weird and messed up. He seemed genuinely disturbed by the idea. I told him I bought them as a joke just to make him stop. But how he reacted did bother me. I wear push up bras and he doesn't throw a fit about that. So what do you guys think? Red flag or deal breaker? I bought butt padding shorts and my boyfriend got icked out. Thanks guys.

[Jared Freid]

I find this very interesting that he's icked out. Well, it. The way she wrote it, like from his perspective. She's not really taking. She's not really thinking of it from his perspective.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's his. Give me walk me through. Because when she sound like he's really in her defense, it doesn't sound like he's really articulating his perspective very well.

[Jared Freid]

Right. That's my job. Right. That's why we have this.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's why Jared Freed is there to whisper in your ears during all relation relationship fights.

[Jared Freid]

I'm Cyrano. Yeah. I would say here's, here's my thought.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

The. It's funny that she's like, the push up bra is the same, but you don't care about that. Well, no, no. You with the push up bra is how he came to want you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay?

[Jared Freid]

You with the push up bra, he doesn't even know that's a push up bra. That's just you. That's how he bought you at the store. And we talk about this a lot. Like when men date you, we're not looking for you to improve. We like you right now just as you are. Just as you are. That's. That's how it was on the shelf. I like that shelf.

[Jordana Abraham]

So romantic.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. It's truly how men think of women. It's like, I want that. Right? It's like the kid in line at the store.

[Jordana Abraham]

Don't change, don't change, don't change, don't change at all.

[Jared Freid]

I want that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay?

[Jared Freid]

And that included push up bra. But he doesn't know that. Again, we are not looking like at your body going, oh, there must have been a push up bra here. I, I thought she had more. No, no, your titties are your titties with the push up bra or without the. It's all one titty. Okay, so with the butt stuff, like when you go and buy and try to change yourself, it does feel like, wait, I like this version.

[Jordana Abraham]

She thought she was like improving.

[Jared Freid]

There's no improvement needed.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

You know what I mean? Right? It's way sweeter again, I'm. I'm the guy trying to tell him how to talk. And so when she's like, it's almost like, why are you trying like you're my taste with the flat butt? Like, I'm a flat butt guy, right? That's why, like on this, on like when you, when you're like, that's so mean fanny Flatbutt there. There's Frankie Flatbutt who loves a flat butt.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Do you know what I mean?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, well, why doesn't he say it like that? That's so much nicer then. What are you doing?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know.

[Jordana Abraham]

I feel like he's like trying to shame her which is nice, right?

[Jared Freid]

He doesn't know how to do it.

[Jordana Abraham]

That meant when you say that messaging, it sounds lovely. It sounds very sweet. Like, if he said that to her, I think that wouldn't make her feel like shit.

[Jared Freid]

It's tough, I guess from his end. How do you say, like, I kind of like. Like, I've.

[Jordana Abraham]

I love.

[Jared Freid]

I love your.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I. Yeah, that's it. I mean, it's your girlfriend. It's not like a random street. I think you could say that to.

[Jared Freid]

Your girlfriend if your boyfriend just started working out, not mentioning it, and, like, getting like, super into his body when he's always been, like, kind of like, not that into his body, you go.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is he hooking up with someone else?

[Jared Freid]

Is he looking to like, I think that's kind of similar, right? Like, I think that's a little tacky and a little reductive to be like, oh, they could only be working out for someone else. Other better women. No, I don't think so.

[Jordana Abraham]

But it might cry. The thought might cross your mind.

[Jared Freid]

And I think that's kind of what he acted out.

[Jordana Abraham]

I might want to know, like, why not now? But I think her explanation for why now seemed, like, good. She's like, I kind of, like, think about this a lot. It's something about my body that I don't love. I saw this on the site and I was like, let me, like, see what the.

[Jared Freid]

He might be so insecure where he's like, man, she's one fat ass away from a better guy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe.

[Jared Freid]

You know what I mean?

[Jordana Abraham]

I think that when you. When you say, who are you trying to impress?

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I do think that gives that vibe. But there's ways to say that in a more vulnerable way.

[Jared Freid]

Totally agree. I.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is a communication issue to me.

[Jared Freid]

This would be a what?

[Jordana Abraham]

It's a communication issue to me.

[Jared Freid]

I'm with you. I think. Is it a deal breaker? No.

[Jordana Abraham]

Depends on. Depends on how further conversations go. Right. I think the next step here is to. Is to have a conversation. When you said that to me, it really hurt my feelings. I. You know, this is the I'm trying to look good, I'm trying to look good part for you.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, when you kind of made me feel really bad about just trying to, like, wear something that I thought would make me feel more confident.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then the way he responds to that, I think tells you kind of like, how able he is to communicate in a relationship.

[Jared Freid]

Right? Where. Where.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because that's vulnerable.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And this is kind of, you know, where. Where could this go. If he can't have this conversation, like, it can't go very far.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, so that's not a supportive. Right. It could be very dire. It could be nothing. It could be that he just acted out and maybe feel bad about the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Way he said it.

[Jared Freid]

Right, Right. But this is a good conversation to have.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I'm with you. Let's do one more. Uupetches.com J&J, real quick.

[Jordana Abraham]

What would you think of a. You're. You're. You take a woman home, she's getting undressed and she takes off her butt pads.

[Jared Freid]

They were butt baths. Yeah. Got. Got me like, I okay with it. I'm okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

You turned off. You turned on.

[Jared Freid]

I'm not turned off because I'm there.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

But turned on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is it worse than a push up bra?

[Jared Freid]

Maybe because I don't know it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because it's not as well. It's like the leg. The leg lifts thing in the Materialist where it's like. It's kind of. It feels extreme.

[Jared Freid]

Hold on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because it's so not common.

[Jared Freid]

I. Hold on. I've gotten videos on my. I don't know if they're real or not. It's men who are like recovering from the legs lengthening. And you get in those videos on Tick Tock and they're like, like, I don't know if this is helping them.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, that wasn't the issue.

[Jared Freid]

Way less than before.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm sure it's.

[Jared Freid]

And also what people point out is that their feet don't match the length of their legs. So it's like, it just looks like long legs with little feet.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

It just all looks weird. And the legs are really skinny and everyone's making fun of them like in the comments. And I feel bad because it's like these guys are obviously.

[Jordana Abraham]

Why are they posting it?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know. Maybe it could be fake. Maybe it's AI.

[Jordana Abraham]

It could be.

[Jared Freid]

I don't know what's real anymore.

[Jordana Abraham]

Neither do I. I literally, I have no clue. I see a video and I'm like, Some people in the comments are like, this is AI. I'm like, it is. It looks.

[Jared Freid]

I believed it.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't know.

[Jared Freid]

I saw a little baby fighting with a dog and I was like, I can't believe they're talking.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's crazy how things go. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

These kids grow up quick. It's like AI. I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's totally AI.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, the Internet's a scary place. I have like no idea what's going on.

[Jared Freid]

Scarer every day. And then you have like the biggest loser ever being like, it's totally fine not blinking.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like you're like mark. All of them.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

The guy, what's his name?

[Jordana Abraham]

Those guys are Rai.

[Jared Freid]

Right. They're just like, don't worry, they never blink. Everything with AI is going to make it better. And you're like, are we really better?

[Jordana Abraham]

Scary. So you're okay with the butt Butt pads.

[Jared Freid]

I think I'm okay with it. I do like a fat ass, so I don't know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. If you were dating someone, flat ass fanny or whatever.

[Jared Freid]

Flat ass fanny.

[Jordana Abraham]

And she wanted to do this fanny flat, would you be supportive?

[Jared Freid]

I'd be. So I. I'm already with her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

So I would hope I would be okay. I'm not gonna say.

[Jordana Abraham]

Who are these butt pads for?

[Jared Freid]

Who? You.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. Okay.

[Jared Freid]

One more J. And J, huge fan of the podcast. Thank you for all you do. Making dating fun instead of scaring and scary miserable. That's the real goal of the show. Thank you. I'm writing with a red flag deal breaker from a guy I dated last year that I just remembered. We were about two months in. Started getting pretty serious, but still not official yet. For context, I was 23 and he was 28. We were hanging out on his rooftop looking out at the city view when it was perfect fall weather and there was no one else on the rooftop. Romantic stuff. Right. After about 30 minutes he told me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Rooftop guy.

[Jared Freid]

Rooftop guy. He's back. After about 30 minutes, he told me he needed to pee, but instead of just getting in the elevator and going down his apartment, he just went in the corner and peed in a potted plant that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh my God.

[Jared Freid]

I was horrified, but tried to play a cool and light hearted. I guess I played it a little too cool because 30 minutes later he did it again. So red flagger, deal breaker. He pees into a West Elm planner on his apartment rooftop because he's too lazy to get into an elevator. What do you think? We've had these discussions before.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think so.

[Jared Freid]

But this one feels worse than the one before.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, there is an accessible bathroom that you know exactly where it is.

[Jared Freid]

Right. That's the problem.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

This isn't a golf course where you don't know where the next one. Next bathroom is. Yeah, this isn't.

[Jordana Abraham]

We have emergency situation.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Well, we did have a debate. I think I remember where they were walking to a game.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. And it was outside. He went into an alley and that.

[Jared Freid]

Made sense to me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. We had a slightly Differing view on.

[Jared Freid]

That, different view on that.

[Jordana Abraham]

It makes. That makes more sense to me than this. Totally.

[Jared Freid]

But this is why that one makes sense at all. Like this one. Just get in the elevator. I'm not leaving. Don't worry. I'm not gonna, like, not. Who do you think she's gonna dry up?

[Jordana Abraham]

He's like, lazy.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't want to go. But you're in a planter. It's like, not like if they were outside and he went to, like, the woods, maybe.

[Jared Freid]

Different story.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. This is like. You could just take the.

[Jared Freid]

It's right there.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

It's not.

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't care enough about. About impressing me. Right. Or not embarrassing. Not doing something potentially embarrassing. Jesus. I would be.

[Jared Freid]

Now, if a woman did this, I'd.

[Jordana Abraham]

Be like.

[Jared Freid]

This is crazy. I. It's funny that this is a very male female thing, because if a woman did it, you'd be like, that's a crazy person.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

For a guy, you're like, I think there's an element and it actually makes it more of a turn off that he's trying to be cool.

[Jordana Abraham]

You think he's trying to be cool?

[Jared Freid]

I think there's a little bit of that. Like, I can pee wherever I want to go.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right there. Yeah. Because if you. I just feel like you like someone.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. You would not want them to see you doing that.

[Jared Freid]

I think it strikes. Well, he's 28, she's 23. But it does strike immature to me. Like, I'm thinking of, like, why I would do that. And it's like, there is maybe the thought of, like, this will look cool. That I don't give a. And so cool. I know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Cool, bro.

[Jared Freid]

I'm just saying I'm trying to give.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Any like. And if he's trying to be cool, it's actually even less cool.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes, of course.

[Jared Freid]

So it's either.

[Jordana Abraham]

Nothing less cool than trying to be cool.

[Jared Freid]

Right. So it's. I. So it's either laziness and you're like, ugh, yeah. Or it's cool.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which is worse.

[Jared Freid]

Way worse.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

So this is a deal breaker.

[Jordana Abraham]

I agree.

[Jared Freid]

So we solved dating again.

[Jordana Abraham]

We did it. We'll be back on Friday with your Friday feels. Bye.