I Got Dumped The Day After Our Anniversary

Summary

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U Up? Podcast – Ep: "I Got Dumped The Day After Our Anniversary"

Date: February 21, 2025 | Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid

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Episode Overview

In this special "Friday Feels" episode, Jordana and Jared kick off with reflections on Jared’s 40th birthday—what that milestone means, the pressures and freedoms of aging, and how it reframes their approach to dating, relationships, and self-reflection. The episode then pivots to listener emails—focusing on two scenarios: a breakup ambush right after an anniversary and the dilemma of reconsidering a past "nice guy." Using their signature blend of humor and emotionally astute commentary, the hosts untangle the nuances of what counts as truly dramatic or "petty" in a breakup, and the real reasons "the ick" happens.

This summary skips ads and intros—jumping into the best of the conversation.

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Birthday Musings & Life Transitions

(01:08–14:00)

• Jared turns 40: The episode begins with Jordana and Jared discussing how milestone birthdays hit differently for men and women, with Jared reflecting on turning 40 and the expectations or stereotypes that come with it.
  • Quote (03:43, Jared): "I'm 40. I got no time. I'm, I'm, I'm almost dead. I'm closer to death than I am to life."
• Panels, adulthood & self-reflection: They riff humorously on the NYC obsession with panels as (Jordana calls it) "the female version of a circle jerk"—a place where people mostly congratulate each other but perhaps don’t actually learn a thing.
  • Quote (05:40, Jordana): "A panel is the female version of a circle jerk. It's just me congratulating you on your success. You congratulate me on mine..."
• Jared’s goals for his 40s: The conversation dives into how aging can bring clarity and freedom from worrying what others think. Jared hopes to focus less on indecision, be more decisive, and maybe find more fulfillment in relationships—after a last "hurrah" in Australia.
  • Quote (09:00, Jared): "I want to concentrate less on what other people think...and just do what I want."
  • Quote (12:02, Jared): "I'm still a 40 year old dreamer. Which is good—I feel a little crazy...I’ve put a lot aside to keep dreaming."

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Petty or Prudent: "I Got Dumped the Day After Our Anniversary"

(21:02–27:20)

• Listener dilemma: A woman writes in about being "blindsided" when her boyfriend broke up with her the night after making a big anniversary gesture—flowers, chocolates, an elaborate dinner. During the breakup, she begins gathering gifts and mementos into a trash bag, handing them back while he's still mid-sentence.
• Jared & Jordana break it down:
  • Dramatic, but not petty: Both hosts agree the act is dramatic ("Spanish soap opera") but not petty. In mid-breakup, emotions run high; returning gifts is fair.
    • Quote (23:43, Jared): "It's a little Spanish Soap opera...but I would also say it's not petty. Not petty at all."
    • Quote (25:10, Jared): "None of this is petty. I think you are allowed to have emotions when you're broken up with."
  • Blindsided? Not really: They challenge the listener’s claim of being blindsided, pointing to her own admission of fighting and being "on again, off again."
    • Quote (23:57, Jared): "Can we stop saying you were blindsided?...If you say in the same sentence, we were in an on again, off again relationship, and then I was blindsided—you sound crazy."
  • Anniversary gesture = closure? The hosts debate why someone might make a grand gesture right before a breakup. Jared suggests it’s often the partner’s way of "trying," or to avoid conflict rather than to signal romance.
    • Quote (27:21, Jared): "People like to try. I think that's his version of trying."
• Bottom line:
  • Dramatic? Yes. Petty? No.
  • If in doubt, "let the baby cry it out" and do what you need to move on.

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When You Rethink Breaking Up with the "Nice Guy"

(34:18–44:29)

• Listener dilemma: A 29-year-old writes in: After three dates with a very eager, sweet guy who came on "hot" with romantic gestures, she felt "the ick" despite good chemistry—even "10 out of 10 sex." Now (months, bad dates and situationships later), she's wondering if she should reach out, or if it’s just loneliness.
• Dissecting "the ick" and romantic regret:
  • Jordana’s skepticism: She questions the possibility of "10/10 sex" if true ick is there—suggesting the listener might be more ambivalent than she admits.
    • Quote (37:26, Jordana): "I don't understand how you could describe the sex as a 10 out of 10 with someone that you felt an ick with…that sentence doesn't make sense to me."
  • Why do the nice guys repel? They note the common pattern: A "nice guy" feels too available or enthusiastic, which can be a turn-off if the woman isn’t emotionally ready or doesn’t see him as a fit.
    • Quote (36:07, Jared): "I think a lot of women get afraid they’ll lose the ability to complain about their dating life if they say no to someone who checks a lot of boxes."
  • When is it okay to reach out to an ex? Jared lays out a rule: Only reach out if you’re certain about wanting them—not just because you’re lonely. If you just "run into" each other, that’s more organic and lower stakes.
    • Quote (41:07, Jared): "If you reach out to him and I have this thought, when I think of reaching out to someone from my past, I go, my body told me not to. My body."
    • Quote (43:10, Jared): "You can do whatever you want. She can reach out to him if she wants...I just think she's writing this because she knows the answer."
• Therapy vs. reaching out:
  • Both encourage the listener to resist the urge to text the ex for validation or reassurance and instead talk to a professional to unpack recurring dating patterns.
    • Quote (44:17, Jordana): "Instead of texting him, I would text a professional. And then if you really want to do it after speaking to that person for a while, maybe..."

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Reflections on Emotional Safety & Being Yourself

(29:14–32:29)

• Feeling "safe" enough to be your real self: The hosts reflect on envy for people (like Jared's brother) who feel totally free to be in a "bad mood" with a partner—no performative patience, no people-pleasing.
  • Quote (31:00, Jared): "I think it's a bad thing to be very patient. I'm so patient that I'm willing to yes-man, make myself worse off, and resent something rather than say [how I feel]."
• A new decade, a new approach: Jared plans to be less patient—or rather, less bottling—in his 40s.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (by Timestamp)

• On milestone birthdays:
  • 03:43 (Jared): "I'm 40. I got no time. I'm, I'm, I'm almost dead. I'm closer to death than I am to life."
• On 'the panel' culture:
  • 05:40 (Jordana): "A panel is the female version of a circle jerk."
• On breakup etiquette:
  • 23:57 (Jared): "Can we stop saying you were blindsided?...If you say in the same sentence, we were in an on again, off again relationship, and then I was blindsided—you sound crazy."
  • 25:10 (Jared): "None of this is petty. I think you are allowed to have emotions when you're broken up with."
• On 'the ick' and sex:
  • 37:26 (Jordana): "That sentence doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand how you could describe the sex as a 10 out of 10 with someone that you felt an ick with."
• On reaching out to an ex:
  • 41:07 (Jared): "My body told me not to."
  • 44:17 (Jordana): "Instead of texting him, I would text a professional."

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Final Takeaways

• Be dramatic if you must during a breakup, but don’t call it petty if you’re just protecting yourself.
• If your body told you not to date someone, trust it—don’t reach out just because you’re lonely.
• Aging can mean caring less about what others think—but you have to consciously choose not to bottle up your needs or desire for change.
• Panels may be useless, but facing your own issues in dating and relationships is where the real work begins.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Saying you were blindsided?

[A]

You probably said you broke is a year you broke up before, right?

[B]

If you say in the same sentence we were in an on again off again relationship and then I was blindsided, right? You sound crazy.

[A]

Hello and welcome to a very special special Friday Feels episode of the UF Podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

[B]

And I am Jared Freed. And as many of you know, but maybe the new listeners don't is releasing on February 21, February 20 for subscribers. But we'll go by the date that we are releasing and if you don't.

[A]

Know this date, you haven't been listening very long, right?

[B]

And I'm happy you're here. We love a new listener, but today is my birthday.

[A]

Happy. No, it's not just any birthday. It is a birthday.

[B]

It is a my 40th. I can't even believe.

[A]

How do you feel saying it out loud?

[B]

It's weird to say out loud. It is weird to say it's my 40th birthday and famously, I don't know. Should we play the clip? Do we play it every year? It's weird because it's coming out on the 21st. The the bit is from we were taping on like it was during the pandemic times.

[A]

I Think it was like 20, 21 maybe. I think, like, it might be, like, the worst day of the year. What is it? February 21st.

[B]

Why is that?

[A]

Just because it's like, middle of winter.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Not ton going on. No real, like, holidays that are soonish.

[B]

Hope, no dreams, no nothing. February 21st is the worst day of the year. This is so funny that people might think this is a setup for a joke, but February 21st is my birthday, Jordana. And. Oh, shit, is it. This is like, we didn't plan this. It sounds. That's why I started laughing right away and kind of playing it up with you. Just because I was like, that's so funny that she's like, there's no worse day of the year than February 21st. It's the worst. There's no good, there's no bad. It's the Wednesday of the year. And you're right. Listen, the only good thing is that's.

[A]

A big foot in the mouth.

[B]

Jared Freed was born.

[A]

Yeah. So we call it the worst day of the year.

[B]

We have a sign. If you're watching on YouTube, we have a artwork that shows the worst day of the year.

[A]

We have one day that we can really highlight this artwork.

[B]

Right. And Now I'm turning 40.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

An old man.

[A]

And I was saying. I can already tell. I mean, we're tape. We're taping a couple weeks early. But we've said this before on this podcast. 40 is what 30 is to women.

[B]

I really think you're right. I think you're right.

[A]

I'm already getting the I must speak to the manager energy from you.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Even just recording about your 40th birthday shit anymore.

[B]

I'm 40. I got no time. I'm, I'm, I'm almost dead. I'm closer to death.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Than I am to life.

[A]

No, you're not. Well, I got to get to 100.

[B]

I'm not wasting any time. I'm not living 100.

[A]

You might. Maybe not with your sleep schedule.

[B]

Yeah. With all this travel.

[A]

What do men say about your 40s? Because I feel like, I feel like the age specific, like, wisdom about decades is really gendered, like, you know what I mean?

[B]

It's interesting because I'm thinking now, I'm like, I don't really talk to a lot of men. I.

[A]

Maybe I should get some friends in my 40s.

[B]

Right. Maybe that would help me out. No, I, I. The age thing, it comes up, but it doesn't. Like, it's all ball busty.

[A]

It's all like, women are always telling each other about how great the next decade is of life. If you thought you're, you know, your 20s stink, your 30s is where it's at. It's like, is it. I don't know.

[B]

No. 70s is where you really come out of your own.

[A]

No, they say that.

[B]

They say really? Yeah.

[A]

Your 50s. I think the idea.

[B]

Women do a lot of backpacking. I mean, the amount of panels that women go on there, I think living in New York City, as a woman who's just being on a panel and watching a panel and being on a panel and not watching a.

[A]

Here's my thing.

[B]

How many panels have you done?

[A]

I've done probably a dozen panels.

[B]

I tweeted before this. I was like, I want to go to a panel of all the people making money from the panels.

[A]

Let me tell you something about a panel. No one has ever learned anything from watching a panel. And I say this. Having done panels, having watched panels, no one has ever learned.

[B]

Is that a New York.

[A]

We were on a panel and can.

[B]

We were on a panel can.

[A]

Thank you for having us.

[B]

Thank you for having us. Spotify.

[A]

Have you ever been like, yeah, I learned that from watching the panel?

[B]

No, I've never gone to one. I just know I've.

[A]

Anyone ever said to you, I've learned something from watching a panel.

[B]

All I've heard from people is, I have a panel. Like, I heard you were on a panel. I know you guys. So you guys do a lot of panels? I know a bunch of. There's a few other women that I know that are like, big panel people.

[A]

A panel is the female version of a circle jerk. It's just me congratulating you on your success. You congratulate me on my success.

[B]

I'm not even sure if anyone's successful.

[A]

And then we all congratulate each other and say how great it is to maybe have to be here, how honored we are to be successful in here.

[B]

And we get to wear pantsuits. You know, like, I. Maybe this is the death of the panel. I can't see what anyone would garner from a woman or a person. Sorry to gender this, but it just seems like a lot of women are, like, at panels all the time.

[A]

If panels.

[B]

Well, there's not a lot of, like, here are the up and coming straight men you need to hear from panel these days.

[A]

Like, I would you want to be on that panel?

[B]

This is my panel. This podcast. This is my.

[A]

I. I mean, how many people do you need to make a panel?

[B]

Three makes A panel?

[A]

No, I think sometimes I guess two is a talk. Two, Two is a talk. Three is a panel.

[B]

Right. Four is a.

[A]

Four is a compass. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm 40. I started my 40th year or whatever it is.

[A]

41St year around the sun. 40 to be that annoying person.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. I, I think I'll definitely be.

[A]

You don't look 40. Like younger than 40.

[B]

Finally. You said it took you 10 minutes into this podcast. I did cry today, watching the Wild Robot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a DreamWorks Animation.

[A]

Oh, why were you watching? Oh, you're on the plane.

[B]

I was on the plane coming back from la.

[A]

Is it good?

[B]

It's, it's. It's a little heavy handed with the messaging. Like it's about a single mother who adopts a bird. A single mother wild robot who adopts a bird.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

After she accidentally kills the bird's whole family.

[A]

She kills the bird's whole family.

[B]

She falls on the feet for being.

[A]

Dark for a kids movie.

[B]

I don't know how this is a kids movie other than there being animals that talk. You know, you're. No. I related to none of the mess. The message of like, you know, that he's got to work hard and nothing's really given to you and there's that message but. And there's a little bit of a anti tech thing going on. But I did cry during that. I'll definitely cry at some point on the flight to New Zealand. Reminiscing, reflecting, all those things.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah. If you're listening right now, I'm just on a flight alone, crying so.

[A]

Well, happy birthday. I'm going to have something for you by the time you get back from your trip.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. It's not your birthday yet. We've got a couple. Or maybe I'll give it to you on our last episode before you go on your trip.

[B]

You could do that. I'm not a big, you know, if you have something that's okay but don't feel pressure. I'm not a big gift.

[A]

I know. Well, that's the thing. I feel like you're going to like say you like whatever I get you, but you're actually going to be like, I totally in your head you're going to be like, I didn't really need this.

[B]

I need everything.

[A]

You have to give me a gift now. You're gonna think like it's a whole.

[B]

When you turn 40.

[A]

I'm never gonna turn 40.

[B]

Yeah. 17 years.

[A]

Still 27 yeah.

[B]

In my dorm.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to think of, like, anything.

[A]

You want to do differently in your 40s than your 30s.

[B]

Everything.

[A]

Everything?

[B]

Yeah. No, not everything. I.

[A]

This is your decade. I feel it.

[B]

This is it. This is the one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have. I have hopes and dreams for my next phase of life. I'd like to be more. Well, what you said, like, less. Like, I just want.

[A]

I'm already feeling that.

[B]

Concentrate less on what other people think. Hemming and hawing of, like, what do I do? And. And just do what I want and do what I want. Take what I want. That's what I want.

[A]

It's true. I do feel like the older you get, though, the more people are, like. That's why old people say, like, the most horrible things you've ever heard.

[B]

Right. I hope I don't do that.

[A]

They don't give a. They're, like, on their way out.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It.

[B]

It never really age. Never really affected me except for the. The turn of the earth. Like, I always was affected by that. We are now. It was just a. A mileage point more than it was. Like, I've gotten old. Do you know what I mean? So that's the thing I deal with on a yearly basis. Like, did I do anything else? Was it a good year? Was it a bad year? You know, that always comes to mind.

[A]

And how was the year? Okay.

[B]

Tough.

[A]

Tough.

[B]

I think it was tough. If I'm thinking right now, just so I. I feel like I'm sitting in neutral. I'm not forward. We could do a peek and pit peak can might have been.

[A]

It can was really fun. That was a great trip.

[B]

Great. Like, smack in the middle year. Good crew on the beach. I don't know. My pit. Just, like, the indecision of it all. Like, I. You know, I even got an email the other day about, like, do you want to move? Are you gonna extend your lease? And, like, I was like, I can't even make this decision. Like, I'm like, jared, just make a move.

[A]

What is your. People always say this, and I kind of hate it, so I'm gonna just pass it right on to you. It's like, what is your, like, gut telling you to do? And I'm. People say that I'm always like, I don't know. Like, you think I know how much I have any mind, body, connection? Like, as if these things are working together.

[B]

Right? Yeah. So what does my gut say?

[A]

Yeah, what is your.

[B]

My gut says, stop eating cheese. You can't handle It. But where will you live? Right. My gut is a little bit telling me to like, get an adult space. And it's been telling me that for two years. And then I get like, embarrassed that I'm still talking about this two years later. Like, I'm like, I need to be living in an adult space where. And a little bit of it is like, you know, Florida does come to mind of like going down there and like having a space. But like, you know, but I. My concern is that it doesn't. I. Nothing changes. It's just my, just the, the area.

[A]

There's no way to know unless you do it. Unless you do it right. Like, you could be right, but you'll. The best thing about doing something is that you don't have to think about it anymore. To me, like, it's not right decision, wrong decision, a decision. Half of it's luck whether it's the right or wrong decision. To me it's more like, all right, I made a move and now I don't like, have to. And we talk about this when you talk about like ending things with someone, right? It's like you feel good after. Not because you're like, oh, like I'm 100% sure. You're just more like, I don't have to think about this anymore.

[B]

Forward motion.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I've made a move, you know, and it's also like, it doesn't help that, like, I mean, I'm like still a 40 year old dreamer.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Which is good. I feel a little crazy. You feel a little crazy. Like, you know, I've put a lot aside to keep dreaming, you know, you put aside, like, I think like, you know, when you get into a relationship, when you start a family, the dream is over. There's other dreams you gotta tend to. So me continuing to dream is a little bit in the way of like going towards reality.

[A]

Not if you find a partner who supports your dreams.

[B]

I don't believe any partner supports dreams. I. I think partners, I think my support my dreams. Does he?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

I don't think partners support dreams at.

[A]

Because the dream has been if they, if you achieve your dreams, it's great for the whole couple, right? Whole family.

[B]

But also they go, we got things we got to do, right?

[A]

I think you think it takes a lot more time to be in a relationship than it does. Maybe.

[B]

Women like a lot of stuff. A lot, A lot, a lot of plans, I guess.

[A]

I don't know. I don't like that many. Michael, we're like, we don't do anything. It's great, right?

[B]

You know? Well, that would also take a lot off my mind, too, right. Being in a relationship and, like, not, you know, you might be able to.

[A]

Focus more on your.

[B]

I think you won't have to be something. I've thought of, right.

[A]

Dating people and then breaking up with them and then.

[B]

Right. Dating more people on the second day.

[A]

I think it actually, like. I mean, Kelly, the. The. The mystic said this. Like, you just. It might free up your whole brain.

[B]

I think about this all the time. Kelly, the mystic said I will be my best self in a relationship. And I think she is right.

[A]

I think she is right also.

[B]

I think I'm a better person, better comedian, better. But I'm so afraid, right? I'm so afraid of choosing that wrong route.

[A]

Here's the thing.

[B]

But there's no wrong.

[A]

There's no wrong. And you can just.

[B]

In the. Just.

[A]

The mantra for you for your 40s is, everyone will be okay, and I'm just gonna do what makes sense for me and I'm gonna go all in. And then whenever I want, you can always leave. You can always leave.

[B]

And this is my message to anyone in New Zealand and Australia. I'm going to start this journey towards a real relationship after my trip. So if you don't fall in love with him, casual summertime fling. Summer love and having a blast.

[A]

Your last hurrah.

[B]

This is it. This is it. We can dance on the Great Barrier Reef. And then I'm. I'm leaving. Just like Joey Zuko. Yes. He went to Australia and then she followed him all the way back to Rydell High.

[A]

You mean Danny Zuko?

[B]

Danny.

[A]

I was like, who is Joey? Is that a comedian? I don't know about.

[B]

His big break. Joey's like his fat cousin who does comedy like me. No, Danny Zuko. Yeah. Yeah. How did he end up in Australia on that trip?

[A]

She was in Australia.

[B]

Yeah, but he's there visiting, summer, loving, having some fun.

[A]

Also, I think she came to visit. No.

[B]

Is that what it was?

[A]

I thought she came.

[B]

It's somehow more normal for her to come here at that time.

[A]

Well, then she moves here, Right.

[B]

For an Australian during that year. Like, if you think of, like, Greece.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, did she take a. Like a pirate ship here?

[A]

Like, do you think she was going back to Australia? Imagine, you know, you have your high. You have your high school fling start the first day of school, moved here.

[B]

What the.

[A]

We broke up.

[B]

Right. I thought I was out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

No one ever tells that story. You're right.

[A]

We should do, like, you know how wicked is like a retelling of the wizard of Oz. Yes, Retelling of Greece. Right.

[B]

She's pregnant. What the is going on with this chick? Why'd she stay?

[A]

She's just here stalking me. She enrolled in my high school.

[B]

This is wild. Horror movie. It is.

[A]

And then she won't even have sex with him.

[B]

Is that part of it? Yeah.

[A]

Remember, they're in. They're at the. They're at the drive in movie theater.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, trying to, like, up with her, and then she, like, smacks him and walks out of the car.

[B]

After the summer loving.

[A]

I don't think they had sex. He lies and tells all of his friends they had sex, but they didn't. Wow, what a douchebag. And then they wind up together at the end. In the end.

[B]

He said they had sex over the summer.

[A]

He implies it. And summer loving, he applies it.

[B]

Yeah, but that's what you do, you know, that's the. That's the guy move. My girlfriend lives abroad. She's a model.

[A]

He says, we made out under the dock. And she says we stayed out till 10 o'. Clock.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then he goes, she was great. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, it is. That's a guy thing. Like, guy lies. Yeah, that's a guy.

[A]

Well, she's not even. She's in Australia.

[B]

It doesn't harm anyone. She's going back to, you know, Kangaroo Town.

[A]

Wow. Is Danny's.

[B]

I'm gonna come back from Australia. I'll be like, oh, I. All over Australia. And then everyone there like, no, he just ate vegemite.

[A]

He.

[B]

He never talked to anyone.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I mean, my whole show about going to Europe, I'm doing a. So the new show that I'm doing is about going to Europe and not.

[A]

Okay, you can tell. You can tell in Australia.

[B]

I'm gonna do it all over Australia How I went to Europe and didn't. One woman.

[A]

And you get an hour out of that.

[B]

Got an hour out of my dad calling me fat.

[A]

You did so. It was impressive. Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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Some of that's mine.

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[A]

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[B]

What are we talking about today?

[A]

All right, we're going to play petty or prudent.

[B]

If you're in Australia, I'm coming. I'm. I'm here. New Zealand is this week.

[A]

He's not coming back for a long time, so you better see him.

[B]

These messages that are like, oh, you're coming here. I'm not coming to your living room. You know, two years from now. This is it.

[A]

This is your one chance. Get the tickets.

[B]

Get the tickets. Assemble the group chat.

[A]

Okay? Let's play the game.

[B]

Let's do it. Petty or prudent? We love this.

[A]

All right. Hi, jj. I heard your calls for petty or prudent submissions, and I have one that's been haunting me for years. Since 2020, to be exact. My ex completely blindsided me when he broke up with me. For context, we had been fighting a lot lately, so I knew we weren't in a great place, but I naively thought that we would work on it. He also threw me a completely random happy anniversary celebration and gave me chocolates, beautiful flowers, and cooked me an expensive dinner the night before he dumped me. It's your goodbye party. Yeah, I wasn't aware.

[B]

Bon voyage. And on your way out in the goodie bag is bumble.

[A]

Yeah, I wasn't aware. It was our one year anniversary as we had broken up and gotten back together, so the timeline was unclear, but he said he just wanted to do something special for me. We had a great time that night and I was so happy. The very next night he ended things with me out of the blue, saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. News to me. And I was so hurt that as he was still in mid sentence of dumping me, I stood up, got a garbage bag and started putting everything that he ever gave me in it. In hindsight, was it overly dramatic? Probably. Anyway, dramatic or not, I put everything in that garbage bag, including the box of chocolates and beautiful flower arrangement he had just given me the night before. And even a butter dish and a ladies rain jacket he gifted me for the Christmas present prior. I handed it to him at the end of the night when he was finished and told him I didn't want any of these items and that he needed to figure out what to do with them. Like a gentleman, he took it with him. Of course. So petty. You're prudent. You start collecting the breakup casualty items in a garbage bag while your ex boyfriend is still mid sentence saying, I just don't see this going any further because I don't love you anymore. Sincerely, garbage girl.

[B]

I will say this, it's funny. We were just talking about looking at Greece from another angle. Yeah, if you look at this whole breakup from his angle, he's like, she cleaned up all our. She was gone mid breakup.

[A]

She clearly wasn't that into it.

[B]

Well, no, like I got off easy. Oh, you're saying she got my. I didn't even have to go around. She cleaned up, she. I didn't even have to ask her what's mine and hers. I didn't even have to split it up.

[A]

So you think he's thankful? It's not. He's not petty.

[B]

He's like the best thing that ever happened to him. If I was like, hey, I think you would like. And she was like, oh, you want to talk? Here's your. And go. I'll be like, oh, okay, cool. Well see you.

[A]

It wouldn't make you feel worse.

[B]

Here's the thing she says, am I being overly dramatic? A little. It's a little dramatic.

[A]

It's a little.

[B]

It's a little Spanish Soap opera.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I would also say it's not petty.

[A]

Not petty.

[B]

Not petty at all. I think you were allow. First of all, two things. Let me go back a step. Can we stop saying you were blindsided?

[A]

You said you broke is a year you broke up before.

[B]

Right. You're. If you're. If you say in the same sentence, we were in an on again, off again relationship, and then I was blindsided.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You sound crazy.

[A]

I can see why. She's like, why would he throw me a full anniversary dinner, chocolates. That does seem like strange behavior for someone who's gonna break up with me the next day. You don't agree with that?

[B]

It's totally strange behavior if you say it the next day. That was blindsided last night because we went to dinner.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because now, five years later, in the grand scheme of life, you are no longer blind.

[A]

Sure. In that.

[B]

Would you.

[A]

Would you be expecting it that day? Probably not.

[B]

No. I think when you're telling the story today about your breakup in 2020, that came the night after. You can go, here's the other thing. Weird, but I wasn't blindsided. We had a lot wrong in the relationship.

[A]

Here's the other thing. You could be doing this nice thing for the anniversary the next day doesn't mean you don't have problems in your relationship. People do nice shit for each other all the time while the relationships mess.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The next day you get into a fight. It brings up the issue. You get, now is the time.

[B]

And you see, you're out. You see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah. It's funny because, like, I love this email so much because, like, I want to let them know, like, you weren't blindsided, but I also want to let them know they weren't petty.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, because I think, like, in the moment. Of course that's dramatic. You just had this big dinner last night. You got stuff at their house. Like, I think you're allowed to be, like the Spanish soap actress. Oh, Dios meals. How could you? Why would you do this to me? We were eating dinner last night under the flowers, you know, like, you can do that in the moment of the breakup.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I give you that. I think none of this is petty. I think you are allowed to have emotions when you're broken up with. You're allowed to be surprised. You're allowed to say all these things that remind you of. Remind me of. You make me angry. So I want them thrown away. That is kind of like what you sign up for when you break up.

[A]

With someone, is it a little dramatic to do it in front of his face? Like, dramatic is different sentence. Sure. Yeah.

[B]

That's fair, you know?

[A]

Yeah. I don't think if I broke up with someone and they did this to me, I don't think I would care either.

[B]

Let the baby cry itself out.

[A]

Now I don't have to come back for all my.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, this is because you can't, you can't ask.

[A]

It'd be petty if he was like, it would be petty if he broke up with her and said, I don't love you anymore. And do you have. Can I have all the stuff right now that I, you know, that I've left here? Do you mind if I go and pick it up? That would be petty.

[B]

Absolutely correct. I totally agree. Like, if he's asking, it's one thing to go, here, take it. I can't have this. Like, I can understand that.

[A]

It's like when the woman throws the ring at the man when, when they break up.

[B]

Right. It's a little stupid because you can keep the ring and sell it. I. But I would say this is actually prudent because you're like, you're doing all the things you should be doing and get rid of the things that remind you of them. You're doing it right away. Like, it's actually the most important thing she could do.

[A]

That's true. Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Well. Prudent.

[B]

So I think it convinced me. I. I actually think it's petty to call it a blind side.

[A]

Today I'll give her the blind side, because the dinner. Because it does seem like a little extra. The dinner that, that he planned the night before.

[B]

I think a blind.

[A]

That would make me think. If I had someone did that for me on our one year anniversary, I would think this person is. Is enjoying the relationship.

[B]

Sure. Or I mean, I guess a one year anniversary you didn't even know about. I'd be like, I don't know. I.

[A]

Why do you think he did that?

[B]

I think people like to, like, try. I think that's his version of trying.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, I think when I've done, like a nice gesture for someone that I'm like, not sure about the relay. I don't think it goes that way.

[A]

Right. In our minds, we're always looking for clues about, like, commitment or about to leave.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or about to leave.

[B]

I mean, I've gone, like, on apartment searches with people that I was like, I'm not sure if this is gonna work out, you know? So, like.

[A]

Well, Again, that's why Logan would have said on the show, like, men are like, we're gonna get engaged or we're gonna break up.

[B]

Right. And, but it's also when I would do things like that, like these gestures, like, it was probably selfish of me.

[A]

It's more for you than for them.

[B]

It's more for me to be like, do the right thing rather than cause a fight that would cause us to work on it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, you know, tonight's our anniversary, but I'm not, I'm not even feeling it right now. Like, you and I, like, we got issues that we. That's like me trying to talk it out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When you do the celebration of the anniversary, there's no talk out.

[A]

You're pushing things under the rug.

[B]

Right. So again, this, this is horrifying for anyone to hear. Like, you just don't know.

[A]

Well, that's the thing. It's like, when can we feel safe?

[B]

Right? You can save if someone like, I.

[A]

I, when can you, when could someone feel safe dating you?

[B]

I think never. I, I, I, I think of my parents a lot with this scenario. My parents argue about everything, but they're talking. You know, there are, I've said in.

[A]

The last episode, like, couples who never fight, that's not like a good sign.

[B]

And I'm so uncomfortable with arguments. I'm always a peacemaker. I was thinking about that the other day.

[A]

Just like the, they argue because they feel safe.

[B]

They feel safe. And then they also are at the table, the, the, the imaginary negotiation table.

[A]

But they feel safe enough to argue with the person they're not. Like, if I bring up this annoying thing that you just said, I'm not gonna never see you again.

[B]

Right. Weird way to get divorced after 40 something years of marriage. He was annoying in that fight.

[A]

At what point do you, at what point do you feel like you can feel safe? I guess never. I mean, someone could leave you at any point. We just said that. We just said that.

[B]

Well. Right.

[A]

You can always leave. You can always leave.

[B]

I think of my brother, though. Like, my brother, you know, he can be a miserable. And I'm like, I'm so uncomfortable by being miserable around, like, my partner.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, and I, and maybe you don't feel safe. Right? My brother, like, wears it. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that's a relation.

[B]

And I kind of respect that about it. I respect it about, I envy it because he's like, he's past the point.

[A]

Of putting on a show.

[B]

Yeah. But he's never really put on a show. You Know, like, he can't.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I can, you know, so. And I'm like, maybe. And I've, you know, the reflective part of me goes, you know, I wish I could, like, sip a little of that.

[A]

Like, be yourself.

[B]

I don't know if that would be myself. I don't know. I've never been that way. I've never been.

[A]

What do you mean, practically, like, what are you talking about exactly?

[B]

I guess, like, if you're willing to do that in a relay. If you're willing to just be, like, kind of just like in a bad mood in a relationship.

[A]

Never been in a bad mood in a relationship.

[B]

I don't have a memory of. I, I've always been told, and this might be a bad thing, that I have, like, a lot of patience. Like, it's been something that has been told of me and I'm not trying to, like, give myself.

[A]

Is that one of those, like, critiques? That's actually a compliment.

[B]

Right. Like, I, I, I, I.

[A]

Too patient.

[B]

I'm just too patient, too humble, too, Too loving, too. No, I think it's a bad thing to be very patient. Like, I actually, I don't like it about myself. Like, I'm so patient that I'm, well, like, willing to. Yes, man, make myself worse off and resent something rather than say.

[A]

Right. Because you're not. Well, that's the thing. You're not, like, really. You're not really patient. You're, you're. They think. They think of you as patient, but you're actually just bottling stuff.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm bottling secret resentments. Do you have any?

[B]

I'm empathetic. Anything on you? Oh, let me get the list. Know, I, I'm empathetic. I think that's the more positive way to look at it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The patience is bottling up. Yeah, probably.

[A]

But maybe you should be less patient in your 40s.

[B]

I think. I think that's part of. That's my new vibe.

[A]

Yeah. Let it all out.

[B]

If I had patience, I'd be a doctor. That's what my dad always let us.

[A]

Know exactly what you think of all of us.

[B]

I, I'll come in with, I'll write something out next. I'll do that. That'll be my homework on my trip to New Zealand and Australia.

[A]

Yes. Write up, like, three things that you've been bottling in that have been really irritating you for a while.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

That's going to be a recipe for a great show. You know, I love a good pair of underwear, but it is hard to find. If it's flattering, then usually pretty uncomfortable. It's like riding up, it's digging in. And if it's really comfortable, it's usually makes you look like a grandma and you kind of feel a little self conscious about it. It's really hard to find the medium and skims has mastered that art. They have some of the most comfortable underwear I've ever worn in my entire life.

[B]

It is funny that whenever I hear women talk about the skims product line, they do kind of like glow a little bit about it.

[A]

It's just really hard for women to find stuff that looks good on you and also like is really comfortable. I think that's just a universal struggle by many women.

[B]

I just love when we have a sponsor that helps our audience. It's nice to know Skims is like helping people feel better about themselves.

[A]

Yeah. And I am just. I'm a believer. I'm a convert. I'm a skims gal. Recently I got the Fits Everybody full brief, which is like their regular underwear, which I am wearing all the time now. It's my favorite pair. I get annoyed when I wear it because then I have to wait until I wash all my underwear to wear it again. You just don't think about it. Which is the number one thing for underwear for me. I also have the Bralette. It's a game changer. It lifts, it looks great. Super flattering, super cute, just the right amount of support and also incredibly comfortable. I haven't always loved bras. Who has? But with skims they are changing me into a bra lover. Shop my favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, make sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Abercrombie denim is everything right now. Denim should feel like this. Confident, easy, like your butt has never looked better. If you didn't know Abercrombie's Curve Love denim went viral in 2019 for eliminating waist gap. And it's still a game changer. Between that and their classic fits with a straighter line from waist to hip, the perfect denim does exist. Shop Abercrombie Denim in the app, online and in store. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or using the Award winning app app. It's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor. State Farm is there.

[B]

Let's do it. Another email. You ready?

[A]

Let's hear it.

[B]

J and J Love the pod. Thanks for all you do. I'm a 29 year old female who has become the sole source of entertainment at the brunch table. Navigating the dating world for the past three years. I went out with a guy three times last year and ended it after getting the ick of him going too fast. Bouquet of flowers. Day two. Telling me how he couldn't stop talking about our first date to his friends. Saying how he, how meeting me gave him the motivation for a new health kick. Yeah, three dates and he's like I'm eating apples now. Just looking at me with wedding bells in his eyes. I guess all the things that may have been okay if I was just more into him, but for two dates I couldn't see past.

[A]

This does seem like a lot for two dates.

[B]

It's a lot. I mean excitement is kind of cool if you were both excited, but you just weren't. We really did hit it off, she says. So I gave it another try. Day three. He brought me to Dave and Busters and paraded me around holding my hand from game to game like I was his middle school girlfriend. I wanted to vomit and embarrassment cuz.

[A]

He held your hand. That doesn't seem that weird. Third date, holding hands is kind of.

[B]

Cute, but if you don't like him, right?

[A]

Well that's all she. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

You could put a ring.

[A]

All she to say is like I don't like him.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I mean if he did nothing, he's, she's saying, is that crazy?

[B]

Well, this is the holding hands. The way she wrote is the way she tells it at the brunch table. Parading me, parading me around and everyone's like, ah, what a loser. You know, like this is the fun.

[A]

Why'd you go on the third date?

[B]

Because he checked a lot of boxes and he again, we talked about, we've talked about this before. He is a good guy who I'm out there, three years single complaining to my friends. I think a lot of women specifically get afraid that they're gonna lose the ability to complain about their dating life if they say no to someone who checks a lot of boxes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because then they come to the brunch table and someone can always cut them at the knees and go, well, you have the Dave and Buster's guy, you couldn't just go with him? He's pretty good. Moms do that, right?

[A]

But it can kind of feel like, are you looking for someone who treats you like? Because those seem to be the guys that you're into.

[B]

Like, this is. Well, this is the problem. Like, you. You go, I don't want to like guys who treat me like.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But those are the ones I get to complain about to you guys. And now you won't let me because there's this nice guy out there who you're going to push me towards that I couldn't see myself ever. I. I think that's, like, the hardest part about.

[A]

Like, it's hard, but, like, I think that's the question. And only she will really know. This is, like, she. Does she not like this guy because he's into her, or did she not like him anyway?

[B]

Right. That's a deeper issue, I guess, for a therapist.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, that's the. Oh. Oh, my God. I gotta look in the mirror a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think this is why she got the ick. Is she's pushing through, not liking him.

[A]

Right. Well, it's, like, hard to separate, right? It's hard to separate. Would I like you if you weren't doing these things?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, but he. This is him, Right. And, yeah, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, but still found myself sleeping with him after to get my final answer. So she sleeps with him after Dave and Buster's.

[A]

Yeah. Smother in a relationship.

[B]

Now, the sex chemistry was 10 out of 10. But even in the moment, I couldn't look past the.

[A]

See, to me, that sentence doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand. I don't understand how you could describe the sex as a 10 out of 10 with someone that you felt an ick with. Like. And that maybe that's just me and my, like, the way that my emotions are tied to. To sex. If I didn't like someone, if I was, like, turned off by them, I could never. I could never describe the sex as.

[B]

A 10 out of 10. It's. That's interesting.

[A]

I don't see how. I don't really see how it works.

[B]

I could see why he's at his best.

[A]

Sure. I'm sure he's performing well.

[B]

Right. He's. This woman that he holds on a pedestal is probably rock hard.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He's waltzing in there, bringing all his tricks. He's treating like a God as he's going down there. He's like.

[A]

He's doing everything that you're right. That the. The good lover is supposed to.

[B]

Oh, my God. Soft touch of the fingers.

[A]

I could see him calling it.

[B]

He put on the music playlist. He probably had a candle lit.

[A]

Could you.

[B]

Could you wash the sheets?

[A]

Could you describe sex with a woman that you were like, not really into as a 10 out of 10?

[B]

No, that's what. It would be tough.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I just makes. To me there's something off about that statement. It doesn't make sense to me.

[B]

Yeah, it doesn't. So you can imagine how I felt when right after the sex, he asked if this meant we were exclusive. He really wanted to lock her down. I explained this was going too fast for me and he said he understood, but just felt confident in knowing what he's looking for. The next day I sent a text that it wasn't going to work out and he acted so blindsided that I wound up going to his place to talk. A talk after three dates. Yeah, it happens. It's not so crazy. She wrote a talk after three days in caps. Fast forward a few months with some ghosting and situationships in between. I'm feeling at a loss with my dating life. I can't help but feel like I pushed this guy away so fast for the wrong reasons. Since I've been on his end before getting invested too quickly. A part of me thought to reach out for coffee. But if he were to agree, I fear that I will realize this was just me acting on some loneliness and then really being the here help a Dave or busted.

[A]

What do you think? I feel like you have occupied her role absolutely a lot in the past.

[B]

I think, you know, she kind of.

[A]

Thinks like, oh, maybe, why didn't it work out with that guy? They got enough distance and then. But she doesn't want to go back and then change her mind and be the one who brought them in.

[B]

Listen, I deal with this in my own life. I have people I think of like, why'd I end that? And it's moments of loneliness that I think about that. Here's my going policy. If you guys ran into each other and it was natural, that would be like a way kind of more okay, you run into each other, you'll be.

[A]

Less held to the fire if it ended. Yes.

[B]

But if you reach out to him and I have this thought, when I think of reaching out to someone from my past, I go, my body told me not to my body. So I'm gonna take the things I liked about them and use those things to develop my own taste. I'm gonna try and be a better dater who realizes quicker. These people that I get in situationships with, rather than the people that I like, I had good experiences with and try to be better for the. The next person. But if I was to run into the person and we hit it off and had a nice conversation, that would be my entree into, like, oh, let's maybe there was something there. If I felt something like that would be different.

[A]

I think that's a great way to go about it. And I think that it. It's a lot less because, like, when you reach out, out of nowhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think you do owe the person more. You really can't do that unless you know what you want. Mm. If you run into someone, know what.

[B]

You want with them.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It can't be no. Oh, I want a boyfriend now.

[A]

No. With them.

[B]

No. I have thought of you.

[A]

Boyfriend or off.

[B]

Right. Yes. This is it.

[A]

And I. If I were this guy, I would. I. The last time we. We spoke, I asked you to be exclusive. You're coming back now. What's different?

[B]

Here's the problem. He won't be that. If he was that gung ho, it'll be turned off. But that's the problem. There's, like, a couple options. He go, he's grown up, and he doesn't like how they ended, but he still sees something in her, and he's like, explain why you want to come back here. I think there's a less chance of that, and there's more of a chance of him being like, I've. I've been waiting for you to come back. This is amazing. You know, I've always thought of you. And then she's gonna go back to, like, it came too easy.

[A]

Well, that's the thing, I think. And that would be the frustrating part, because they always come back for me for what they had before. They always come back. Right. You come back, and then it feels like to the person who wanted you more in the first place, who probably still wants you more, is. It feels like you just came back to know you could. Just to know that you still had the option.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then once you had it, you didn't really want it. You just wanted to know that you could. If you could have it if you wanted it.

[B]

And that person on the other side of that, the person who's coming back, you're gonna feel guilty. You're gonna. Like, you should, and you should, but you're gonna be with someone probably longer than you would have. You're probably gonna like stay in that and you're gonna like it and you're gonna feel right. And you're gonna feel that you owe someone. It's gonna be. The dynamic is going to be off for you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So I agree.

[A]

If it's organic, you owe the person less, right?

[B]

Organic.

[A]

It's like you happen to meet. Right.

[B]

And again, you can't.

[A]

Sparks fly.

[B]

You have to accept that also if.

[A]

It'S organic, if it's an organic run in, you can sort of get a taste of what it's like to be in their presence again without having to have arranged it yourself.

[B]

Right. And, and I'm not saying you can again, it's called organic. You can't like arrange for this.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You can't happen.

[A]

Stalk them.

[B]

This is like a very rom com move, right? It's like, oh well, I see that they go to this place, but I'm just saying like if that were to happen, if the sun, the moon, the stars and again, you can do whatever you want. She can reach out to him if she wants.

[A]

Yeah, be an Whatever. It's 2025, it's in. That's cool now, right?

[B]

I just, I just think that she's writing this because she knows the answer.

[A]

She knows she doesn't really want to be with him. She knows she's just lonely. That's why she wrote it. Is it up if I just come back and it appears that I just did it because I'm lonely. And she says here's the reason why I think she should see a therapist anyway. And she says after a few months with some ghosting and situationships in between, situationships to me happen. And we've discussed this before, one person is commitment avoidant and the other person is low self esteem. And it seems like she's not interested. Part of the reason she didn't like the other guy. And I say this because she said the sex was 10 out of 10. And I just don't think you get that if you don't like the person at all. She doesn't like someone who's that into her. That's a little bit of it.

[B]

And that's a self esteem issue. That's like how could they be into me?

[A]

Like how could they, how great could they be? They like me a lot.

[B]

Right? That's. Listen, I've been there, I get that.

[A]

So yeah, and I can relate to that too. But I think like I would, I would instead of texting him. I would text a professional. And then if you really want to do it after speaking to that person for a while, maybe.

[B]

There we go. We solved dating again.

[A]

We did it. Be back next week.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Happy Birthday.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Kate McAuliffe is our senior producer. Our editor is Emily Freed. Candace Menega is our senior social producer. Our associate producer is Will Maxwell. Additional production help from Shannon Jimenez Sasson. Be sure to follow us at U Up podcast and send us your emails to [e-mail] Martha listens to her favorite.

[B]

Band all the time. In the car, gym, even sleeping. So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live. She saved so much she got a seat close enough to actually see and hear them. Sort of. You were made to scream from the front row. We were made to quietly save you. More Expedia made to travel Savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.