I Love My Boyfriend But I’m Scared To Move In Together

Summary

U Up? – “I Love My Boyfriend But I’m Scared To Move In Together”

Host: Jared Freid
Special Co-Host: Tess Tregellis
Date: March 13, 2026

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode of U Up? features comedian and Betches creator Tess Tregellis as co-host alongside Jared Freid. The main theme centers on navigating modern relationship milestones, with a focus on anxieties around moving in together for the first time. Listeners’ emails prompt discussions on honesty in relationships (the “8 out of 10” rating debate) and pre-cohabitation jitters. Throughout, Tess and Jared balance humor and vulnerability, blending personal stories with actionable advice for listeners facing similar situations.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Meet the Co-Host: Tess’s Relationship Backstory

[00:55 – 08:26]

• Tess opens up about a tough day (her childhood dog passed away), setting a candid tone, but insists she’s bringing “dead dog energy” in the best way.
• She shares how she met her boyfriend:
  • Did a comedy bit running around in a wedding dress.
  • Childhood acquaintances who reconnected after he saw her comedy show video.
  • “He was supposed to go on a date that night and canceled to come to my show.” (03:58)
• Both hosts agree familiarity from growing up together helped their connection.
• Tess self-describes:
  • “I am an overthinking, people pleasing, hopeless romantic.” (07:43)
• Dating advice: Be authentic, embrace your quirks, and the right person will match your energy.

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2. Red Flag or Deal Breaker: Rating Your Partner’s Attractiveness

[15:07 – 28:24]

• Listener Email: A woman’s fiancé tells her she’s a “solid 8 out of 10” and “definitely above average.” She’s unsettled, wondering if this brutal honesty is a red flag.
• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • Tess: “I would be hurt by that for sure.” (18:40)
  • Jared: “Your girlfriend, when it comes to your significant other, they are something magical to you.” (19:25)
  • Both dissect how ratings devalue intimacy, pointing out that romantic partners should be each other’s hype people.
  • Tess: “His ideal of a 10 out of 10 has to be her.” (19:51)
  • Jared: Critiques how men mimic internet humor (Dave Portnoy’s “pizza rating” bit), saying it’s lazy and unoriginal when applied to people:
    “You are trying to play someone else’s bit.” (23:02)
• Key Advice:
  • Don’t reduce love to numbers; “grow out of 8 out of 10 and change into ‘my beautiful wife.’” (25:28)
  • If honesty hurts your partner, communicate the emotional impact and ask for real change.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Tess introduces the word "pulchritudinous": “Women love words. Numbers? Not interested. Tell me I’m eloquent, beautiful, pulchritudinous.” (24:16)
• Both agree: This wouldn’t be a deal breaker for an established couple but requires serious conversation and a change in attitude.

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3. Main Topic: Moving In Together For the First Time – Navigating Anxiety

[30:55 – 43:09]

• Listener Email: 26F anxious about moving in with her boyfriend (28M) after over a year together, even though their relationship is great.
  • Fears include: Changing routines, “what if” overthinking, loss of independence, and avoidance tendencies (“I’ve always thought of myself as an anxious attachment”).
• Tess’s Perspective:
  • She is about to move in with her boyfriend after living alone for 5 years, echoing the writer’s anxieties.
  • “There will be conflict. I’m really worried about my digestive system and how I’m going to go to the bathroom. One toilet. We got a sound machine.” (33:13)
  • On couples’ dynamics: Tess admits she’s probably the messier partner but has adapted and grown a lot.
• Jared’s Take (the "walk dance" analogy, actionable reassurance):
  • Having moved in and broken up before, Jared reassures: “It works out. It’s fine. You’re gonna be okay.” (34:45)
  • Warns against attaching too much weight to logistical excuses ("we’re doing this because NYC is expensive") — urges embracing excitement and “idiot delusional loser” energy: Just be happy about the new chapter.
  • “You're moving in together because you want to...and that's a wonderful thing. It might not work out, but it probably will.” (36:37)
• Advice for Overthinkers:
  • Repeat the positives:
    "I can afford it. I have a great place. I'm moving in with someone I like." (39:00)
  • Don’t let anxiety about logistics (mattresses, couches) overshadow the big picture.
  • Jared: “If you end up breaking up with each other. You’ll be fine.” (43:05)
• Fun Banter:
  • Tess and Jared riff about indecision over couch shopping, diffusing tension with jokes about “getting it for free” and coupon-hunting.
  • Jared’s “bring up any issue and I’ll break it down” shtick reassures listeners — all concerns can be resolved with the right attitude.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS

• On vulnerability as a strength:
  Tess: “I learned to handle myself and like someone else will too.” (08:03)

• On reducing people to numbers:
  Jared: “Don’t think you are deserving of going the route of mogul CEO [with ratings], because you’re not.” (23:13)

• On getting excited (despite anxiety):
  Jared: “Be a idiot, delusional loser and get excited...That will wash away all the other stuff.” (37:00) Tess: “This is good for me to hear too.” (37:01)

• On cohabitation logistics:
  Tess: “I am the creative director of this endeavor...I want to see all the options, try all the couches.” (41:25)

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NOTABLE TIMESTAMPS

• 00:55 – Tess’s intro, relationship background, “dead dog energy.”
• 07:43 – Tess’s hopeless romantic “mantra.”
• 15:07 – Introduction to the “Red Flag or Deal Breaker” – 8/10 rating conundrum.
• 19:25 – Jared’s perspective: “They are something magical to you.”
• 24:16 – Vocabulary highlight: “pulchritudinous.”
• 33:13 – Tess on moving in, bathroom logistics, personal anxiety.
• 34:45 – Jared on moving in, breakups, and survival.
• 36:37 – Reframing moving in: Do it for love, not NYC rent.
• 39:00 – The only things that matter: “I can afford it...” mantra.
• 41:25 – Tess as “creative director” of couch shopping.

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OVERALL TONE & TAKEAWAYS

This episode blends relatable humor with surprisingly earnest advice. Both hosts validate listener anxieties but consistently reframe relationship milestones as exciting opportunities for growth and self-discovery — not just logistical hurdles. Vulnerability, direct communication, and not overthinking are recurring themes; so is a playful, sometimes irreverent tone.

Key Takeaways:

• Don’t undermine romance with harsh “honesty” — be your partner's cheerleader.
• Moving in is a big step, but not an irreversible risk: Feeling anxious is normal, but don’t let fear override excitement.
• Small logistical conflicts (e.g., mattress, couch) are natural; teamwork and humor help.
• Embrace delusion and joy — focus on what matters: love, security, a home together.

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CLOSING REMARKS

[43:36]
Tess: “This was so fun.”
Jared: “If you are a listener this deep, that means you had a good time...I want, Jared, your opinion on this f*cking sucks. That’s okay.” (44:04)
Tess: “And I’d like to just live in delusion, so please don’t comment anything other than beauty and pulchritudity.” (44:10)

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Subscribe, rate, and follow for more dating comedy and no-nonsense advice!

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For more: @u.up.podcast on Instagram, and subscribe for bonus content and ad-free episodes.

Transcript

[A]

Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra, that's the OG it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing. But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more. A, B, C, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M and N O, P. I love it.

[B]

I'm dyslexic, so that could be right.

[A]

Emineno.

[B]

Emineno.

[A]

Okay. Hello and welcome to the UW Podcast. I'm Jared Freed and today's very special co host is Tess Trig Ellis. Thank you for coming on the show.

[B]

I'm very excited to be here.

[A]

Tess is a comedian and actor, improviser, storyteller, Betch's, you know, face that you've seen on all the platforms. You work here at Betches. You do all the content here.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

What's going on in your life? How are you?

[B]

I'm good. I'm good.

[A]

That sounded bad. Are you good? I don't think you can repeat I'm good twice and have anyone believe you. What's wrong?

[B]

Well, I've had like a couple bads and so now I know I'm about to be on the good. The most recent bad is my childhood dog died today.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I know. So I don't wanna bring the mood down, but when you say today. Yeah, like last night. I know.

[A]

This is when we're booking you.

[C]

No, I know.

[A]

We didn't take the day.

[B]

Here's the thing.

[A]

What are we doing here? Here's the thing.

[B]

I made my. I had my moment and I had three. I've had four bad things, so now four good things are gonna come to me. The universe owes me. You are owed because I am owed.

[A]

So you're in debt. Or there the. The universe is in debt to you.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Listen, we're. Maybe we can help cheer you up with other people's problems. That's what we do here. So everyone go follow test trellis@tess tr. Hilarious. So funny. You're going to love everything that Tess does you. So the dog pass? How did it die?

[B]

It was just old, you know. You know, old dog.

[A]

Okay, old dog is a little bit easier to come back from.

[B]

Very sweet and like, you know, it was.

[A]

What's the dog's name?

[B]

Wilson.

[A]

Wilson. I know Wilson the dog Wilson. Did he have A shaggy beard.

[B]

He was a lab.

[A]

Just like Wilson.

[C]

The lab.

[B]

Like a pure lab. So beautiful.

[A]

To let people behind the curtains, we had to, like, get a. We. We did this a little bit on the fly. We needed an episode. Tess stepped up here at the office and they were like, we'll have a fun time with Tess. And I'm like, how are you? She's like, dog dead.

[B]

I'm a good vibe no matter what. And dog dead. I show up.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

And I'm here to bring up the vibes, I think. Sadness.

[A]

Well, you're in a relationship. We want to get to know you before we get into this. You're in a relationship? How long?

[B]

A year and almost a year and a half.

[A]

Year and a half?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. How'd you meet?

[B]

So we basically. I did this bit where I was running around in a wedding dress.

[A]

I remember this. You're running around in a wedding dress.

[B]

I couldn't get enough of it. I needed attention and I got it. And he saw the video and came to one of my shows. And the first time he saw me was in this wedding dress.

[A]

You did a show? It was like a one woman show based on I'm throwing my own wedding. Is that what it was?

[B]

I did a fake spoof wedding. It was like, chaos. And I was the bride who just, like, was trying to do all the things with, like, no money. So I had, like, fake doves that, like, meant to fly, but obviously were fake, so they just, like, fell. It was just like, very, very shticky. But he also went to my high school, so like, we knew of each other. So then he saw this video and was like, coming to New York to move here and was like, oh, I'm gonna meet that girl. So he came to my show.

[A]

So he moved here from your hometown and said, I'll go find her, kind of.

[B]

He moved from San Francisco, so he.

[A]

Where are you from?

[B]

Connecticut.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We grew up in Connecticut together. He moved to San Francisco, lived there for a while, and. And then we followed each other. And then when he moved back to New York, he was like, I'm gonna go to the show. And he was supposed to go on a date that night and then canceled to come to my show.

[A]

You know, it's a beautiful story. I like it.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

The thing that I'm, like, zoning in on is, like, we live in this world of, like, you can meet anyone. You can go on the app and meet anyone, any town. You can switch your town to make it so you can date in Austin. Or wherever you want to go. And we find that a lot of stories. Not to, like, diminish your story, not to say it's not its own original tal, but a lot of people go. We went to the same high school. We. We knew the same people. We knew the same street signs. We had the same teachers in third grade. And there's something that. That familiarity gets the ball rolling in a different way, causes a connection to start in the way that maybe you need it these days, where.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Meeting someone out of the blue and nowhere doesn't really get you there.

[B]

I do think, like, that added to the excitement of it, because it was like, oh, my God. I. You know, he was very cool in high school, and I was like, oh, my God, he's coming to my show. Like, felt very. Except, like. And. And I also knew his reputation. I do think if, like, a random person came to my show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And was like, she's gonna be my wife. I'd be like, oh, interesting. But, like, I knew.

[A]

Did he come to your show saying, she's gonna be my wife?

[B]

Well, he does now.

[A]

That's the way you see it. He's like, I just went to see some hot chick from my high school. You're like, he came with the ring.

[B]

He came with the ring.

[A]

He put it back in his pocket

[B]

in a wedding dress. All I'm saying is, like, I manifested.

[A]

This is such a. Like, to me, like, the. I was in a wedding dress. I'm crazy. No, you're doing a fun show.

[B]

It was really fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it. But I do think I have been. I was on dates before that where I told a guy that. And I could immediately see him being like, this is never gonna happen.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're like, this is my one. You know, this is the show I'm doing. I'm doing a wedding dress show. It's a fake wedding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they were like, oh, on her mind. I'm gonna bail.

[B]

Interesting. Yeah. And then I. You get the side hug, and you get the. Like, it was really nice to meet you. And I was like, cool.

[A]

How was dating for you? What? Did you enjoy dating? Were you the. I need to get out of this hell hole. What's. What's your dating perspective?

[B]

I went through. I think at first it was very frustrating because I have this, like, very hopeless, romantic, fantasized view, and I. Oh, really? Yeah.

[A]

You mean. You mean to tell me the girl who said that my boyfriend showed up with a wedding ring at my show and wants to marry me has a romantic view? Of things. Okay.

[B]

Very hopeless romantic. But I also think once I accepted that about myself and I was just kind of like, this is who I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The minute I stopped, like, playing coy of like, maybe he'll notice me was when I felt like dating was fun, when I was like, this is it. Take it or leave it. Okay. So I think that that's a good

[A]

advice for people out there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Again, like, there is like a butt for every seat. There's a someone for, you know, there's a foot for every shoe. You could do this in a million different ways. And it' like, it is funny that these little tiny things that we get written in about or the things I hear from women, the, the cries of a million women that I hear every week, a lot of them, like, that doesn't matter. That, no, that doesn't matter. You know, a lot. I, I, I, I think guys are way more, way easier, more. I think, like, it's very simple.

[B]

It is very simple. And I, I'm an overthinking, people pleasing, hopeless romantic. There's a lot going on.

[A]

I mean, that's a great T shirt you should make.

[B]

It is. It is.

[A]

Say that sentence again fast.

[B]

What did I say?

[A]

You just said it in a way. Can we do a rewind on the edit?

[B]

I am an overthinking, people pleasing, hopeless romantic.

[A]

What you just said was like xp doious. That was the super fragilistic asp. That was Mary Poppins. You just.

[B]

It is. And I'm magical, so it is a whole thing. I also just think it's like I learned to handle myself and like someone else will too. Yeah, it's pretty because I'm so.

[A]

That's another, that's another T shirt. I've learned to handle myself. Someone else will do. You're full of merch ideas today. So we have some emails as a Friday feels. We would love for you to subscribe to the show. Let us know in the comments how you are, how you're feeling, how you feel the episode is going. I think it's going great so far. Test, having a great time, walked in with dead dog energy and then brought it. Okay, the dog is dead, but not Tess. She's bringing it today.

[B]

No, I'm bringing it.

[A]

Rest in peace, Wilson. Shout out, Wilson. So I

[C]

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[A]

We're going to do the episode. We have an email. We have a red flag or deal breaker. What I want you to do is one subscribe to the benefits. We are doing updates with Jordana, our co host. She's on maternity leave. She will be back. We're going to get updates and you can hear Jordan and I, you know the banter that we have that you have come to love. I assume if you like this show that's on the benefits episode sign up. Five bucks a month gets you two extra episodes a month. It gets you early access to the episodes. No ads. That's fun. And then I'm on the road. This is going to come out. I'm going to Salt Lake City, Utah. Tempe, Arizona. I've never been to Tempe, Arizona. I'm excited. I don't know where that you don't know. Well, Tempe has a reputation of the Tempe Improv. Like is a known good club. You know these clubs that you hear about that are like, that's a good one. I've heard that's a good one. So I'm excited to do it. I'm also going to be in la, Los Angeles. I'm coming to LA La Land. I don't do that often. I'm Going to do one night. One night only. Part of the Netflix is a joke festival. Very excited for it. Also, also, also, I have a book. The book. Yes, Walking Red Flag. It is coming out in June. We are in pre order. Okay, what does that mean? That means I said to my dad one day, I go, you know, pre order is how you get on the New York Times bestseller list. My dad, this is his reaction. I go, hey, dad, you know, if I do pre order, well, I can get on the New York Times bestseller. So he goes, he had a full choke. He couldn't believe that I was even saying, New York Times, New York Times bestseller. I want to. So now it has become my goal to be a New York Times bestselling author, which would be crazy because I've never even read a book. So, like, that would be like, insane. So I want you to go pre order Walking Red flag. I will say this. The feedback that I have gotten has been actually touching. Like, it is from women who are like, I. I actually V, you've read some of it. So good. And. And V. You know, it's not like I pay V. I do actually, sometimes. So the feedback has been, this makes me. This makes dating more fun for me. This is like a really cool look at a vulnerable man. That's not pandering. So I think that's hard to find these days. I think a lot of the dating advice from straight men is pandering or it is them being a total piece of. I am walking the voice in it. I do have a woman's voice in it. I put this through women purposely. So I have a ghostwriter, Taylor Phillips, who's like a hilarious comic. She writes for John Oliver. Like, cool as far as resume items. That is like the top of top comedy writers you could be. We met with each other. We had this great vibe. I was like, I want to tell you these stories and I want to make sure that you can give me feedback on these stories to, like, you know, I want to be called out. I don't want to just be me, you know, man talking from cloud, telling women what to do. And this is for everybody. You don't have to be a woman to read this book. I, you know, you want to be inclusive, but I can only speak from my point of view. So Taylor, we created this, like, character Vera, who, like, talks back to me, like, ask me questions. So, like, the book is kind of like a back and forth a little bit.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

There's personal stories. I get very personal in a way that I can't be on a podcast. So, yeah, Walking Red Flag. That's my commercial. So let me just. Are we ready to do the emails?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So excited to read your book, to have you here. Oh, and. And for you to read my book test at testrag. Red flag or deal breaker. This is the game that's sweeping the country. I don't know if you know about it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I've heard about it.

[A]

You're dating someone, one thing happens. It's either red flag, you see it, you notice it, you. You stay with it, or it's a deal breaker, you end at sight unseen. You ready?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Dear J and J and T. Longtime listener here, though, through boyfriends, breakups, hot girl summers, situationships, and most recently, an engagement, I have been chosen. Look at that.

[B]

Chosen.

[A]

That's such a funny way to put it. I know, I know. You're a hopeless romantic. When you heard chosen, you're like, oh,

[B]

it's like, pick me, choose me, love me. And then he said, yeah, you know what I mean?

[A]

It puts so much responsibility on the guy.

[B]

God forbid you have a responsibility.

[A]

I know. I'm sorry. I don't want that. I don't chosen. That doesn't. But that can mean because to me, I know. I love chocolate. Doesn't mean vanilla. But I've been chosen. Makes it sound like all these other women. I was like, I don't choose you. Like, I. I'm not that.

[B]

Yeah. But we kind of love that.

[A]

I know. I'm hoping you can help me settle a score with my fiance. Okay. We will help a. A chosen woman settle a score with her fiance. Sounds like the marriage is going to be great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm 33, he's 36. We met on a dating app and have been together about three years while we have a fun, happy, healthy relationship. On. He randomly told me he thought I was an eight out of ten. Hot. A solid eight out of ten.

[B]

He doubled down.

[A]

Yeah, you can't say.

[B]

You can't say solid.

[A]

Also, yo, you're a solid 8 out of 10.

[B]

Someone called me solid. I'd be like, you think I'm fat?

[C]

Get out.

[A]

Right. Solid.

[B]

No, it's like big boned. You know, you're like, hold on.

[A]

Yeah, you. You could play like linebacker. You're like, solid. You're like a brick house. You're totally like a slab of concrete. Words sounds, even if they don't mean solid. 8 out of 10 does sound like you are a brick house. It doesn't sound like it means the 8 is a solid 8. Exactly. I get what he's saying, cuz I, you know, I'm bra stone. I, I, I can speak this language. Which he still maintains today, even after I've teased him about it. His reasoning. It's a good rating. It is a good rating in a world where romanticism doesn't exist. Yeah, we might have the wrongest guest of all time. Truly, to take this guy's side in any form, considering the magic that you want to happen. Yeah, I know I can turn a few heads at the local Denny's, but I'm no Margot Robbie or JLo. Yet he sticks by that definitely above average rating. She wrote in quotes. That means he said definitely above average. Okay, first of all, 8 out of 10 is way more above average. Yeah, but, but even to say it that way, now you've down. It's like now you've gone to week eight out of ten. Not solid.

[B]

It's solid. Yeah. Yeah. Jeez. Okay.

[A]

And honestly, it's making me wonder if the person you love can't be your number one hype person, what are we even doing here? Fair. So please J and J and T. Is unwelcome honesty about your attractiven a red flag or a deal breaker? Many thanks. A sort of beautiful bride.

[B]

A sort of beautiful bride.

[A]

Yeah. So what do you think your partner says to you, Tess? You're like an 8 out of 10, which is pretty good.

[B]

I would be hurt by that for sure. I would be like. And then double down. Solid. Definitely average. Don't get me wrong.

[A]

Let's play that out. I'm sorry to interrupt. Let's play that out.

[B]

If you said solid.

[A]

Oh, man, you look great tonight. You're like an eight out of ten. No, no, no, no. A solid, solid eight out of ten. Eight out of ten. I would say it doesn't sound good in any way.

[B]

There's no good way to sound good. And it sounds like it's like a backhanded compliment. My immediate thing would be to be like, okay, if I'm an 8 out of 10, you're a 6 out of 10. You want to play this game like it becomes mean.

[A]

I don't like, I don't like even that game. Like, because that game isn't honest. Because you didn't. You are you, you know, when it comes to your girlfriend, when it comes to your significant other, they are something magical to you.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

To put it in context of, like, how the world would feel about you, as if you're a slice of pizza on the bar stool. Tour of pizza slices.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That's kind of what he's doing. And I. This is why I don't like the bit.

[B]

He needs it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It becomes very mean very quickly. Also, he. Women in our heads, we know. She said it herself. I know I'm not Margot Robbie. That's her ideal of a 10 out of 10. But his ideal of a 10 out of 10 has to be her.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He needs to say she's beautiful so many times that she starts to believe it. She should never write a sort of beautiful bride. Never.

[A]

Well, it's funny, like, if we, you know, if, you know, it's funny if we. The way she wrote the beginning of this email is exactly what you're talking about. She says that I have an engagement. She writes longtime listener here through boyfriends, breakups, hot girl summers, situationships, and most recently, an engagement. I've been chosen. Now, if we broke down I've been chosen, it would sound ridiculous. We'd go, who's the guy that chose you? And then she'd bring over this dumpy dude with cargo shorts on, and we'd be like, that's not chosen. Yeah, we'd be like, chosen by who? This loser? But we don't do that. She is living in the magic. She's going, I've been chosen. This guy wanted me. Of all the other women he could have had, he chose me. Even though he had no other choices.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, so do.

[B]

I do think that even though she jokes with him about it, you know, she's like, oh, you know, like, he's doubling down on it. She's joking with him. She. I think she has to be like, this really hurts me. Yeah, you need to stop. And then he'll be like, oh, shit. If you want him to change, you have to be like, I'm hurt. This isn't funny.

[A]

He needs, like, conversational coaching.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because what he's saying when you say to, like, when you say, like, he's got. There's a long way back from this. Like, yeah, he's. He can't just say, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You have to say, no, I. I made a huge mistake. Like, he didn't have to go to her because here's what he's doing. And I've noticed this is happening for a lot of men. I don't like it. You know, Dave Portnoy, who has built a huge, unbelievable media company. You can't deny that the pizza reviews that he does are a fun video to watch. They are Absolutely wonderful. You go to these weird haunts, and he does his personality, and it's fun, and he kind of plays the part of, you know, snobby media mogul. I would say that Dave Portnoy is playing Vince. Vince McMahon. Like, he is WWE to its core and which I respect. I love the bit. I would say if I met Dave Portnoy, I would say the bit would probably be, like, in person a little bit less than that. I don't think he's actually that in person, but I think he plays it really well, because every scandal, every article, everything, he is the annoying CEO, which I think is great. What I see is a lot of men of a certain type will try to copy the bit. You know, they'll say it's a 7.6. They'll say, and I'll get asked of this. People say, well, you know, I used to make fun of charcuterie boards, right? And then people say, well, what. What do you rate it? And I go, I don't rate it. I talk about it. I'm a wordsmith. I'm a guy. I like a good. I like to put a pen to paper. I like to have fun describing it and comparing it to things in my life and putting together a poem of sorts.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Does that make me a douchebag? Maybe, but in a different way than Dave Portnoy. I'm not trying to do his bit. This, to me, when you say you're an 8 out of 10, but it's solid.

[B]

You.

[A]

You are trying to play someone else's bit.

[B]

Ooh, that's interesting.

[A]

And I don't buy it. Don't think it's interesting. Don't think it's funny. Don't think you are deserving of going the route of mogul CEO, because you're not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where it falls apart when you. Dave Portnoy, and you have, you know, a $50 million house and you go, the pizza slice. Yeah, 7.3. It's funny in its core. This isn't funny. This isn't even entertaining.

[B]

It's also just don't rate women, period.

[A]

Right? Well, like, you know, we all rate somebody. I don't rate women. I mean, we used to do this thing on my podcast called the Area Code Method, and it was because. And it was very college. Okay? I will admit, this is very college.

[B]

This is like, my girlfriend's a solid eight out of ten.

[A]

Solid eight out of ten, right? You can't, like, past the age of 22, you go, dude, you know, we Live in the real world now. Right. We used to do an area code method, and it was because it was a buddy of mine that I went abroad with. He had the area code method. Face, body, personality, which is actually more progressive than solid. Eight out of a ten, in my opinion. You're including the personality?

[B]

Yes. And there are more words. Women love words. Numbers. Not interested. Tell me I'm eloquent, beautiful, pulchratudinous. That's an absolutely stunning word to describe.

[A]

Repeat that.

[B]

Pulcher. Tudinous. It's mean. It means beautiful.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It sounds ugly, but it means beautiful.

[A]

I'm into it.

[B]

Pulchritudinous. Make it abstract. Why are we getting eight out of ten?

[A]

Yeah. Look her in the eye. Be like you're Paul Gratuity.

[B]

Poker. Yeah.

[A]

Is it poker to. It is poker to this?

[B]

She has a poker tidus smile or

[A]

something like, I love those poker titties.

[B]

Yeah, Poker. Yeah, exactly. That would be better than 8 out of 10, right?

[A]

Like, 8 out of 10 is, is brutal. It's bad. I mean, he should hear this because not only does he sound bad to women, but he sounds like a hack to men.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So, like, that's what I'm telling you as a guy. Like, if he was, like, the area code method isn't much better, but I, I, I do think I would always say men or women can use it. Like, if a woman said, yeah, I'm dating a guy, he's a, you know, a five, seven, nine. Like, a lot of men would go,

[B]

oh, I get it. So, like, for. Okay, I got it.

[A]

Face, body, personality. If they were like, five, seven, nine, a lot of guys would go, yeah, I tricked you into this with my great personality.

[B]

And I think personality can change a score, if you will.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But no matter what you're 10 out

[A]

of 10, you just get rid of the numbers. It doesn't help you.

[B]

He needs to grow out of 8 out of 10 and change into my beautiful wife. That's what you got to do.

[A]

Well, grow it sounds like a lie. I think for him to come back,

[B]

I think she's ugly. He does. He's not lying.

[A]

This is such a mistake. Such a mistake that I think it haunts him for the rest of his life.

[B]

And she keeps making fun of him because it still hurts her.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And she's making a joke out of it to cope. And he's not getting up, he's doubling down because he thinks.

[A]

Is there any way back from this? Your boyfriend says you're a solid 8 out of 10.

[B]

I think the first time it happened, I would have been, like, crying. And then that. That would be bad.

[A]

Right. And then. Well, then he'd have to fix the crime immediately.

[B]

And then he'd be like, I'll never do that again. But they're engaged, so I think she can. I think. I think. Well, he's 36.

[A]

The worst. The worst thing about this is college is over. He's not really realizing that it's not funny.

[B]

Funny. It's not funny.

[A]

And he. And I think that's probably what scares her.

[B]

She's funnier. I can't. I know. I can't. I know I can turn heads at the local deli. We both laughed at that.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

She's funnier. Seems hotter.

[A]

But it's not even. This isn't a competition, like, you know,

[B]

but it became a competition now.

[A]

Right. But I've been chosen. Now we have to. Well, when. So that's why I don't like saying I've been chosen. Like, I. I don't want to be looked at and go by, who? Him?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? That's why I don't want to not choose someone. That's why I don't like the wording of chosen. You know, in the same way that 8 out of 10, who the are you? I. I mean, for him to say out of 10 now it becomes, you know, when you point the finger. 3.3point back at you. Yeah. So if I said someone's an 8 out of 10, then they go, who are you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you. Now you have nothing to stand on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like. Because people used to say that. Charcuterie. What do you know about meats and Jesus? I know nothing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's why I go. Words. Yeah. You know, like, that's why I do a poem, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like, it's objective. When you put numbers to, it becomes more solid.

[A]

Right. So this guy is a deal breaker. If it happened while you were dating, I don't know how you'd come back from it as a dater now that you're engaged, I think there's a talk that has to happen. I think you have to say to him, like, hey, I get hurt just thinking about this. And I'm listening to this podcast, and there's a dude that's saying that you sound not funny doing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I probably agree with a lot of people. I don't think anyone, Like, I. I also know this. When your friends start to get married, when men start to get married. The talk about. You know, the talk about women changes immediately. Like, the. The idea of, like, who's hot, who's not. You know, a lot of people pull out of that game because the minute they're not sitting there on potential, now they're sitting there with, here's the relationship I'm in. They get a little bit more worried about being pointed at and called out and. Yeah. Having to hear what someone else thinks of their relationship. So they pull back. Yeah, it is. This guy will pull back. But I don't want this to be your lasting memory of how he used to be before you kind of, like, bragged when. When he did brag about his girlfriend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thy ticket lady, Jennifer of Coolidge.

[B]

Well, many thanks, good sir.

[A]

Here is my Discover card.

[C]

They accept Discover at Renaissance fairs?

[B]

Yeah, they do here.

[A]

Discover is accepted at the places I love to shop.

[B]

Get it with the times. With the times. You're playing the loot. Yeah. And it sounds pretty good, right?

[A]

Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide, based on the February 2025 Nielsen report. Close your eyes.

[B]

Exhale. Feel your body relax, and let go

[A]

of whatever you're carrying today.

[B]

Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh. They're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts.

[A]

It's tax season, and at Lifelock, we know you're tired of numbers, but here's a big one you need to billions. That's the amount of money and refunds the IRS has flagged for possible identity fraud. Now, here's another big number. 100 million. That's how many data points LifeLock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, we'll fix it, guaranteed. One last big number. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast for the threats you can't control. Terms apply. So let's do some emails. You ready?

[B]

Yes, I am ready.

[A]

Do you repeat dot com? Tess, you're gonna read this email. Let's get to it. Listen, this podcast is a solid 10 out of 10.

[B]

It's a 10 out of 10.

[A]

We're killing it.

[B]

We're having a lovely time, Right? And it doesn't even need to be rated.

[A]

No. Well, we do Need? I would actually say we do on Apple. You can rate on many different platforms. Please God, rate us. That helps us a lot.

[B]

Rate, not me.

[A]

Yeah, you know Ray Test, she's doing

[B]

a great job speaking abstracts. Maybe a color color something for me but I don't need a number.

[A]

Okay, just write in the comments that Tess and Jared were guess my age

[B]

and wait why don't you.

[A]

Paul G. Yes, they were. Paul Giamatti. Is that how you say it?

[B]

Who?

[A]

Paul Giamatti. Pauligati. Politidian.

[B]

Polkartudinous. Polkartudinous. Okay, I'm going to read the next email.

[A]

Go for it.

[B]

Hey, Jared and Jordana and Guest. That's me.

[A]

Tess. That's you.

[B]

My boyfriend, 28 male, and I, 26 female, are thinking about moving in together.

[A]

Do you live with your boyfriend?

[B]

We're about to move in together. Whoa. Literally in two weeks. So this is perfect.

[A]

Where are you guys moving?

[B]

Brooklyn. Downtown Brooklyn.

[A]

Downtown Brooklyn.

[B]

Yeah, baby.

[A]

One bedroom, two bedroom, one bedroom. Look at that. Okay, so we are gonna be on top of one another. We are moving in.

[B]

Washer dryer in unit. I'm so excited.

[A]

Look at betches is paying it's employees well. Okay, okay.

[B]

We've been dating over a year and our relationship is honestly amazing. I love him so much and I really feel like he's the one and he feels the same about me and I can't imagine our relationship being healthier.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Part of the reason we're considering it is practical. Living in New York is expensive. Yes. And with our commutes and work schedules, we don't see each other as often as we'd like. So moving in would make life easier and give us more time together. Typical NYC relationship thing. That's true. That said. Okay, I've been feeling some unexpected anxiety about this next step. It's not about him or us. It's more like fear of the unknown. We've never lived with a partner before and the idea of changing our routines to sharing a space makes me feel nervous. I keep asking myself, what if things are better the way they are now? What if living together changes everything? Am I moving too fast? Part of me is excited and ready, but this other part of me keeps spiraling with what ifs. I hear you, girl. I usually handle my anxiety well, but this feels different. I wonder if it's a tiny avoidance streak sneaking in. Even though I've always thought of myself as an anxious attachment, I this girl me. We gotta get coff.

[A]

Wait a minute. You're a full human being. With multiple. You know, she's so stuck in these labels.

[B]

I love the anxious attachment. Oh, my God.

[A]

I think this is all bullshit and stupidity.

[B]

Oh, my God. So much to talk about. Has anyone else felt. Felt this kind of anxiety before a big relationship step? How do you overcome overthinking, girl? Let me know. Oh, my God. And just enjoy moving forward with someone you truly love. Having to share an address. Terrified to think about the future.

[A]

Okay, so, Tess, you're moving in with your boyfriend a year and a half. This is the timing. Totally normal.

[B]

First. First per. First.

[A]

First movement. Man you've ever lived with.

[B]

Yeah. And I've been living alone for five years, so. Yeah.

[A]

How do you feel? So this is kind of reflecting how you're feeling, right?

[B]

Yeah, I. I really resonate with her. I also, like, I feel very confident that we'll live well together. But I also hear her anxiety of, like, oh, my God, we're in a new space. Like, how is this gonna work? There will be conflict. So, like, welcoming that I'm really worried about my digestive system and, like, how I'm going to go to the bathroom. One toilet. We got a sound machine. So I think, like, let's think about that, girl.

[A]

Okay, so I brush next to the toilet. That's always.

[B]

I also always. Candles always matches. It's important, right?

[A]

How do you deal with spritzes on the mirror? You clean them right away.

[C]

Right away.

[A]

Oh, my God. Actually, make sure your guy listens to this episode.

[B]

But also, in my relationship, I spritz

[A]

all over that mirror, and it's gonna get cleaned when the housekeeper comes.

[B]

Okay, as long as you have a housekeeper.

[A]

Yeah, but it won't be right away.

[B]

That's. That's not. That's. That could be changed.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

It takes two seconds.

[A]

But also, I like that Tess is like, okay, yeah.

[B]

But also, I am the more messy one.

[A]

Okay, that's good.

[B]

I have a lot more clutter, a lot more things. I actually have become cleaner in our relationship, so I actually have grown a lot. No dishes in the sink when the night ends. Like, I have grown, but I hear her anxiety. You know, it is. I'm nervous, right. But I'm also excited. And it feels like it is such a big step, but it doesn't have to be.

[A]

So I'll give some perspective as someone who has moved in with someone and then moved out. So I've done both. I've done the thing that people would probably be afraid of going in. They'd be like, oh, my God, what if we break up and I have to move out. Well, I'll say to you from the other side, it works out, it's fine. You're gonna be okay. If you move in and then move out, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna learn about yourself. You're gonna learn about what you're looking for. It's all gonna be positive at some point. It's gonna feel negative in the moment, but you're go be okay. I think she needs to let go of like all of these. She. I think that her biggest problem is not being. Is holding back from being excited about this moment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She wrote in the beginning, our relationship is amazing. I love him so much. I really feel like he's the one. He feels the same about me. I can't imagine our relationship being healthier. What an amazing. I wish I had that amount of just delusion. Like, I wish I had that like. So isn't it nice? So nice if I'm looking at this email and again, like, listen, when it comes to my own life, I'm careful. I'm precious. I get it. I hear her anxiety. I'm thinking about the future. I'm backing out of things because it's going to be hard. I'm telling her the same way I would tell myself the second paragraph of this. She's got to get rid of it. Get, get rid of this. Part of the reason we're considering it is it's practical. Living in New York City is expensive with our commutes and our work schedule. We don't see each other as often as we'd like. So moving in would make life easier and give us more time together. That you're not moving in together because of New York. You're moving in together because you want to move in together and build a life together and you want to see what the next step feels like, looks like. And that's a wonderful thing. And it might not work out, but it probably will because you are motivated in New York and excited.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think when you bring up. And this happens all the time in New York, this whole idea of like we're moving in because look at economically and it's all an excuse for you to hold back how excited you truly are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm telling you, be a idiot, delusional loser and get excited to let this because I think that will wash away all the other stuff the minute you start slowing down.

[B]

This is good for me to hear too.

[A]

I think you need to hear this too. I thought this actually, as I'm Saying

[B]

it because, girl, anxious, avoidant. Like, I'm trying to be secure every day. I hear you. And I also. I think there's so many logistics. Me personally, I get less overwhelmed with my relationship part of it and more overwhelmed with the like. I am now deciding what couch this is, and me picking a couch for myself took forever. And now I'm also trying to pick a couch with someone else, and I don't know what they're thinking. And so it's like this like. Like choice paralysis. So I think I'll project onto this and be like, My anxiety about moving in is more about all the tasks and the decision making and the logistical organization of, like, moving physically. And I think that that can bleed into the like. But, like, what am I doing with this relationship of it all?

[A]

It's like the minute you slow down, you know, you ever walk towards. I call it like the walk dance. You ever walk towards someone?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And then they go one way. You go the same way. And then you go one way. They go like. And now you're stuck in this one spot. Yeah, it's kind of like. Like the. It's kind of like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you know. You know how you don't have that happen. I. I figured out the answer to the walk dance.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

If you, what, look at where you're going and not the person in the eye. When you look the person in the eye, you follow them, you end up going, like, right into them. If you look where you're going, you'll never go into them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You. You are setting the pace. So when you look towards where you're going, which is. I think what she needs to look in the mirror and say is, I have this great new apartment. I can afford it. I'm gonna move in with someone that I really have a great time with. Yeah, let's go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all you have to say the whole, like, that's why I, like, roll my eyes. Anxious, avoidant. Avoided. Anxious, anxious.

[B]

You know, she's an overthinker. She's gonna think through all these things and then.

[A]

But I'm saying if she just repeats to herself, I can afford it. I have a great place, and I'm moving in with someone I like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all that really matters here.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What else? Give me one thing that matters beyond that.

[B]

Oh, nothing. You're totally right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I. As someone who had a mental. A little bit of a ment. Db.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

From choosing mattresses. Like, I. I hear you, but if

[A]

you Said, we're getting this mattress. Tell me. I'm. I'm your boyfriend that you're moving in with.

[B]

We're getting this mattress.

[A]

No. What? That mattress. I. I haven't even laid on it. Can I see it? Where do I find it?

[B]

So I don't like this game.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm like, wait, you're saying no to me? This is it.

[A]

I haven't seen it. Let me see it. Where's the. Where's the mattress?

[B]

It's coming in the mail.

[A]

So you got it in the mail and you didn't even check it with me?

[B]

Well, no, of course I did.

[A]

What made you like it?

[B]

Well, no, see, this wouldn't happen because we would have talked about.

[A]

Well, I'm just saying. You. Anything you. I'm saying if you made a decision on a mattress, you would have a reason for making. Of course. Of course. So why'd you get the mattress?

[B]

Because we need a mattress. But we did it together. It was so much fun. Have you ever done mattress shopping?

[A]

I've gone in. I like that they wear lab coats.

[B]

Okay. The one I went to.

[A]

Do they wear lab coats? No. They used to at the mattress store. They would wear lab coats like they were doctors.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

They were like, I'm your sleep expert. And you're like, can you imagine? You go to work at a mattress store, and they're like, here's your lab coat and stethoscope.

[B]

And you're like, good luck. I just think it's. You lay in the mattress, and then, like, they're talking to you while you're both, like, in bed. Like, what is happening? It just feels so weird.

[A]

The mattress was a good decision that you enjoyed.

[B]

It was a good decision.

[A]

So what do you. What you brought up that.

[B]

You brought up the mattress, of course. Because at first I was like, these things are so expensive. Like, you move in together. It's her saying. Like, it's practical. It really. Like, yes, maybe you're saving money on rent, but, like, to buy new things and to, like. Like, move all your stuff in together. Like, it costs money.

[C]

You're not.

[A]

Like, so does any new place.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

And if you moved in alone, it would cost 100 on you.

[B]

100 on you. So, yeah, I guess you're right.

[A]

See, I can. But I can break down any qualm you have about moving in with someone.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Any. Any. You bring up any. Bring up any issue you have moving in with your boyfriend, I will tell you why it is not an issue.

[B]

Okay. My. My biggest qualm and this isn't with him. It's more just with moving.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Couches.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I. I'm aghast how expensive a couch can be.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I don't do well with choices. Also, I feel like I'm. I am the creative director of this endeavor.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which means I'm also particular.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So I want to try all the couches.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I want to see all the options. Whereas I think men. And I'll also say for Jackson, it's like, that's a great couch. Let's get that one. And I'm like, but we need to see all the other couches, because if we don't see any of the couches, we don't know if we got the best deal or if it feels right. Overthinking.

[A]

No, I think that's the right amount of thinking.

[B]

Oh, okay, great.

[A]

Why is that overthinking?

[B]

Because a couch is a couch.

[A]

Yeah, but that's. That's how he thinks, not. Not how you think.

[B]

Right. And I want to try all the couches.

[A]

So. Have you tried them all? Have you.

[B]

I went to. I've been to. I've been to a few.

[A]

What's your price range?

[B]

I. Well, what I really want to do is get it for free.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I want to sit on a couch and make a video, and someone said, that's. There's your free couch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I also, like, I think it's a. I don't know if you feel this way, but I think it's ingrained in me to find the deal. Just. My dad was a deal guy. Like, he was a coupons guy. So I'm like, how do I find a deal?

[A]

Getting it for free would be the best deal.

[B]

The best deal is for free.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's what I'm trying to do.

[A]

Okay. So none of this is a reason to not move in with your boyfriend.

[B]

Of course not.

[A]

Yeah, but. And also, is it. Let's look at the positive. Your boyfriend is good with any couch you choose. I know. How great is that? So. So look at that.

[B]

He doesn't care.

[A]

So I think this woman needs to do what you're. What we're doing right here. We need to take a look at

[B]

any decision and just go, it's all good.

[A]

Well, not just it's all good, but, like, I'm moving in with someone I like. I got a great new apartment, and it is something I can afford.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Beyond that, all the other problems will wash away.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's.

[A]

And if you end up breaking up with each other. You'll be fine.

[B]

You'll be fine. There's so many couches you could try.

[A]

Well, the couch. You just go. Do you want it? When I broke up, I said I would pay. You know, pay for everything, throw money at it. You know, no debt is worse than a woman calling you to say that you didn't pay for enough. No debt is worse than woman scorned.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

That's merch.

[B]

Because we're vengeful. Yeah. Put that on a T shirt.

[A]

All right, Tess, thank you for coming on.

[B]

This was so fun.

[A]

This is fantastic. If you are a listener this deep into the episode, that means you had a good time. I want you to subscribe to the episode, subscribe to the show. Comment. Let us know what you liked, what you didn't like. Any feedback. We'll take it, we'll look at it, we'll run with it. I like specific feedback. I like when you say, like, minute 12. I disagree with this. Don't just say Jared was rude. Like, that's not really feedback. That's not really caring about us. I want, Jared, your opinion on this fucking sucks. That's okay.

[B]

And I'd like to just live in delusion, so please don't comment anything other than Beauty and Pulcher Tudity.

[A]

Okay, so Paul Giamatti for her specifics for me.

[B]

Great.

[A]

We'll be back next week. Ray, review. Subscribe. Subscribe. Boom.