Is He Avoiding Sex On Purpose? ft Dr. Naomi

Summary

U Up? Podcast Summary

Episode: Is He Avoiding Sex On Purpose? ft Dr. Naomi
Release Date: March 6, 2026
Hosts: Jared Freid (in for Jordana Abraham, on maternity leave)
Special Guest: Dr. Naomi Bernstein, therapist and co-host of Oversharing

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Main Theme

This lively, nuanced episode explores issues of emotional readiness for sex in new relationships—particularly when one partner has baggage, like a recent divorce. Jared and Dr. Naomi examine listener dilemmas around intimacy timelines, what “not my type” really means for dating, and how to tell the difference between being “too nice” and being the right kind of nice. The episode also emphasizes tradeoffs in long-term relationships and the importance of mindset when navigating dating and life transitions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Transitioning Podcast Duties & Parenthood Realness

[00:02–03:32]

• Jared welcomes Dr. Naomi as co-host during Jordana's maternity leave.
• The two acknowledge the supportive community around new parents, sharing relatable anecdotes about dads adapting awkwardly to newborns.
  • “Newborns and dads…they take some time, I think, most of the time to settle in. But he'll get there.” – Naomi [01:48]
• Lighthearted banter sets an open, honest tone for the deeper relationship discussions to come.

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2. Therapy Trends & Common Struggles Among Millennial Daters

[05:55–08:04]

• Jared asks Naomi: “What’s kind of in right now?” in therapy.
• Top issues Naomi is seeing:
  • Life timeline anxiety (“Is this it?”)
  • Work unhappiness/midlife transitions
  • The challenge of seeking fulfillment versus accepting current circumstances
• Dr. Naomi extols the value of group therapy, citing how it exposes people to diverse perspectives and struggles, leading to compassion and normalization.

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3. Trade-Offs and Mindset in Long-Term Relationships

[14:18–18:49]

• Quote of the day: “When the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change, you change” (Dr. Naomi, [14:18])
• Naomi explains this addiction-recovery concept applies to dating: Change happens when staying the same becomes more painful than risking something new—whether that’s leaving a job, partner, or way of thinking.
• The panel stresses that “you can’t have it all,” and happiness comes from positive trade-offs and mindset shifts rather than waiting for perfection.
  • “If you're physically attracted to someone, they're a little bit less annoying...” – Naomi [17:17]
  • Jared praises Naomi’s marriage: “Let me just say, some sexual tension between you and your husband. There's a palpable…” [16:48]

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4. "Not My Type"—Valid Reason or Self-Sabotage?

[18:49–24:41]

• Jared shares being set up often and feeling judged when he passes on potential dates, saying “not my type.”
• Naomi explores gender differences:
  • For men, “not my type” often signals a lack of sexual chemistry
  • For women, it can mean general lack of attraction, but is less likely to ruin a relationship long-term if other elements are positive.
  • The two reflect on how “having a type” is nuanced, deeply personal, and not always externally logical.
• Jared: “The way I sweat for someone, right, is different…the chemical, physical, animalistic, you know, drool. It's for a different type.” [24:23]

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5. Ick or Picky? Email Segment—Is He Avoiding Sex On Purpose?

[30:27–37:13]

• Listener (34F) dilemma: Dating a recently divorced man (37) who is emotionally and physically slow to deepen intimacy. Is this a red flag or just her being picky?
• Naomi’s take: It’s normal for someone post-divorce to move slowly—especially a sensitive guy dating someone new for the first time in years.
• Jared role-plays as the hesitant man, exposing deeper reasons (fear of hurting someone else again, guilt, equating sex to a commitment).
  • “Every time I get close with someone, I feel like the sex would lock me in...That’s why I’m pushing off.” – Jared as fictional guy [33:39]
• Naomi suggests a gentle, clear conversation can help both parties.
  • “There’s a fallacy that someone needs to be perfectly healed before they move on…You can do that with someone, as long as you’re communicating about it.” – Naomi [37:07]
• Takeaway: If you feel more “icked out” by the context after hearing this, it’s okay to leave; but if you feel empathetic and patient, stick with it.

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6. Ick or Picky: "Too Nice For a Casual Date?"

[39:28–47:37]

• Listener (30M): After a positive but “nice guy” first date, a woman (31) says he’s “too nice for a casual date” and suggests being friends.
• Series of texts reveal earnest, polite messages but no chemistry.
• Naomi’s analysis: For casual dating, some women seek more assertive or sexually charged partners—not necessarily “nice guys.” The “nice guy” might be excellent long-term, just not for a fling:
  • “For a short-term casual sexual thing, I think she’s looking for a little bit more of an assertive alpha type.” [43:29]
• Jared likens dating apps to “stud fishing,” creating mismatches between projected personas and actual desires:
  • “This is less, you know, catfishing. This is stud fishing. He acted a certain way on the app...and she's like—where's The Rock?” [45:39]
• Takeaway: Right person, wrong time and context—the “too nice” guy will be perfect for someone ready for a relationship, just not for someone seeking casual fun.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• [14:18] Naomi: “When the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change, you change.”
• [16:48] Jared (on Naomi's marriage): “There’s fun energy. A little bit of ball busting…palpable sexual tension…How do you do that?”
• [20:14] Jared: “Look at my for you page—it’s a bunch of big tittied models...stop sending the skinny blondes.”
• [33:39] Jared (role-playing hesitant guy): “Every time I get close with someone, I feel like the sex would lock me in...That’s why I’m pushing off.”
• [37:07] Naomi: “There’s a fallacy that someone needs to be perfectly healed before they move on…You can do that with someone, as long as you’re communicating about it.”
• [43:29] Naomi: “For a long term partner, a beta is great...But for a short-term casual sexual thing, she's probably looking for an assertive alpha type.”
• [45:39] Jared: “This is less…catfishing. This is stud fishing. He acted a certain way on the app…”

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Key Timestamps

• 00:02–03:32 – Parenthood and taking over for Jordana
• 05:55–08:04 – What’s trending in therapy today
• 14:18–16:42 – “Pain of the pain” and embracing tradeoffs
• 18:49–24:41 – Real talk: “not my type” and attraction, gender
• 30:27–37:13 – First major Ick or Picky scenario: fear of sex after divorce
• 39:28–47:37 – Second Ick or Picky: getting rejected for being “too nice”

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Candid, funny, warm; frequent confessions and real-life examples
• Dr. Naomi provides calm, analytical insight; Jared delivers wit and relatability.
• Encouraging, with highlights on self-awareness, honest communication, and embracing personal quirks—even when they’re “too much.”

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Final Word

Whether you’re someone wrestling with emotional readiness, frustrated when “not my type” gets questioned, or just tired of being “the nice guy,” this episode delivers validation, practical insight, and plenty of laughter. The ultimate message: Be honest about what you want, accept the tradeoffs, and communicate directly—because you’re not alone, and there’s a right-fit relationship (or casual fling) waiting for you if you stay true to yourself.

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Transcript

[A]

Hello and welcome to the U podcast. I'm Jared Freed and I am joined by today's very Special co host, Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How are you? Good to see you.

[B]

Awesome to be here. Takes a village to cover a maternity leave, so it really does.

[A]

It is. It is a truly unbelievable thing the way you go, Jordana's on maternity leave and people are like, how can I help? What can I do? You hear so much negative, don't you think? Like, we hear the, no maternity leave isn't long enough. I should get it for seven years. And other countries do it this way and. But really it is a beautiful thing when you're kind of involved with the maternity. Like, I'm involved in the least way you could be involved. But just hearing how people have been so amazing.

[B]

No, I totally agree. It's like, you know when they say, look for the helpers, you know, you can look for all the, you know, disappointing people and policy, but you can also look for the helpers, which is me and. And you.

[A]

Yes, we are help. I've never been a helper before. This is new for me.

[B]

Show up at her house at around 9 o' clock when she's ready to go to bed. That's another way to help and take a baby.

[A]

What's that? You show up at 9 o' clock at Jordana's house. Who? Wait, I'm sorry, I got lost for a second. I was laughing.

[B]

You can be a helper by going to Jordana's house.

[A]

There's no way I'm ever going to

[B]

do that at 9 o' clock and snuggling a baby.

[A]

I wouldn't. I saw Mike is in the picture with the baby and he's got the two babies, one on each arm and it was like dead man walking. Like, he looked so out of his depths and like Jordan is like, with the baby, you're like, this looks natural. Mike look like. And he's look like how I would look. Just like. Did you have that with Jeff when you had your first kid?

[B]

Newborns and it's your first one, it's like, it's so awkward. It's like holding a wine glass with like your pinky. It's like, like newborns and dads, they take some time, I think most of the time to settle in. But he'll get there.

[A]

Well, he'll get there, absolutely. Like they all do, you know, like, that's what I told Jordana. The dumbest people in the world have kids, you know, so you're not the dumbest in the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So better than that, right? You're. You're somewhere between the smartest and the dumbest. So you're, you know, better than some. Naomi. Dr. Naomi Bernstein is here. We. This is like the Jetsons Meet the Flintstones. Like, this is like two podcast coming together. Dr. Naomi Bernstein is, is the co host of one of my favorite podcasts. Because it's in my rotation. I listen every week. It is called oversharing and I want everyone to go, follow, subscribe. It is a really, you know, you don't have me yelling and screaming and being an idiot. It is calming, it is assuring. I love listening to the show. I love listening to the people's problems. I sometimes I listen to the. They have a segment called Triggered and it's basically asking how triggered could I be from this scenario. And I love that segment. It makes me laugh every time. It makes me thank the Lord above I'm not dating some of these people. Yeah, that's a big part of it. Like, I'm like, you're triggered by that. You know, there was one that I recently listened to where the mother in law was shooing the woman out of pictures.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I couldn't believe that that happened. You know, you're like, how is anyone allowing this to happen? The mother in law was basically. And she had a kid, married. It wasn't like she was a girlfriend, you know.

[B]

Yes. That was crazy. I've seen that happen in real life. I've like witnessed that scenario.

[A]

Well, I want to ask you about true life scenarios before we get started, but that. Okay, so we want everyone to go listen to oversharing or go watch it. You can watch it on YouTube. Also Spotify, they have video. And then also they have bonus episodes called Calm the Down. Calm TF Down. I like your bonus episodes because it like you. You do follow ups, you is way more real. It. It's almost like the podcast you wish existed. For every podcast, like, you hear back from people, you do updates, you have these meditations that you can listen to to like, you know, get yourself to go to a baby shower when you don't want to, like all these things. So it's like there's actual help going on there.

[B]

Yeah, totally agree. And then, you know, it is interesting, like Jordana and I get a little bit more personal in there. We just recorded one where she talks about her surrogate and her birth story for the first baby. And so we do get a little bit more personal in there. And the. I love a good update and we take feedback, which is, that's a tough spot. You know, we, yeah, you read feedback to your advice and positive, which, how

[A]

does that feel as a doctor? Like, you know, I'm sure you guys, you know, you're the doctor, you know, you're not to be disagreed with. Like, I, I, I don't know, I don't, I, I hear what a doctor says and I take it under advisement, but I'm never like that stupid doctor. Like, how do you, how do you like, Isn't there a point where you go, I'm the one with the credibility here, not your aunt who said, said the sunset early. That's why, you know, I feel this way.

[B]

True. But I, I pride myself in practicing that, you know, nobody's perfect. And you, especially when you're, all you're getting is an email you don't have, you know, someone say, well, you didn't think about this button. I pride myself in being able one to tolerate a little bit of criticism and practice not getting defensive. So I like being able to do that. And I'm not perfect and I like to hear people's perspectives. And part of a good therapy relationship is a back and forth. You can tell me it's different than a doctor that's like, okay, here's the test result and here's the medication.

[A]

Now, Dr. Naomi Bernstein, you can also sign up for individual or group therapy and you can get individual therapy with Dr. Naoi at the website is NaomiBurnstein.com. that's Naomi Bernstein.com. it's going to be in, the link is going to be in the bio of this episode where you can send it for individual or group therapy. Here's my question related to individual and group therapy. What, what's kind of in right now? You know, like, I know that's like a weird way to put it, but like, I would assume that there are, you know, there's kind of like what people are. What are people coming in for right now? What are people dealing with generally, like is, you know, with the, the world today, I go on social media and then I walk away, I go, boy, it seem people aren't doing well, but that's like a bad place to go. Because if, like, if you were told, yeah, you can go into that room and scream whatever you want, it's going to be a lot of negativity, you know, because the real world is a little just less screamy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are people coming to you for?

[B]

If I had to summarize real quick, I'd say One, probably a lot of listeners to this show, Timeline stuff. I want to get on with the next stage of my life. And is this right? How long? Settling in to what I have now, instead of seeking the next thing, the partner, the new job, some of that. Some people are miserable at work and they're trying to figure out, do I make a brand new change in the middle of what feels like the middle of my life? Even though you're probably 32, can I tolerate this forever? Is this all there is kind of stuff?

[A]

This it? So it's.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Does that ever get bleak for you? Like, how do you convince someone it isn't it? Or like, do you say, get a hobby? Like, I would. I'd be annoyed at that advice. But it's probably the advice I need. Like, right.

[B]

Or maybe this is it. And you have to change your mindset for what it is that you think. Because when you get to the next thing, then you eventually get back to is this it? Event. Every time you make a new move, you eventually get back to that place of, oh, this is it. What do I need to do next? So my approach is more, instead of changing what's going on outside of your life, you have to change the way that you are approaching your mindset towards your life. So that's why the groups are great. Because the groups will take somebody who's 23 and just got broken up with, and then they'll have somebody who's 47 and going through a divorce with three kids. And then you'll have someone who's like, I don't want kids at all, but I hate my job. And they're all in the same space together. Right.

[A]

And that's gotta be. That's. That feels good. I think that's why doing standup is. It can be therapy sometimes because you hear from so many different people going through so many different things, and you're like, yeah, everyone's got problems. Everyone's got tries and tribs, you know, like, I. I don't know. And then you hear like, you know, my parents are annoying, your parents are annoying, my girlfriend. I don't know if it's the right one. I'm going through a breakup. I found love. You hear all the stories just out there and it's like, it does feel calming to know that, like, it's all. Everyone's just trying to figure it out.

[B]

Yes. And that's why I. I didn't mention that I came to your show a week ago today.

[A]

You came to the show. Okay. I actually. So I would. Did a show in Dallas. You and Jeff came. It was so great to see you guys. I. I'm gonna talk about my experience with you on benefits. On our benefits episode.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because Jordana was having the baby, and I just thought it was so funny. I'm like, I'm nervous for Jordana's baby. We haven't got an announcement. And you're like, I hope it lands on this date, because these numbers are good. I'm like, listen, you witchy, we. We need a baby. Like, you almost made me feel better because I was like, is it happening? You know, like, I was so nervous, but it was great to see you. I. I felt. I feel part of the. You know, the. The whole family with you and Jordana, all the. The siblings. So I. I'm going through it in the same. You know, in the same way a brother would.

[B]

I felt like day of the show was like, the day that it was happening. That was crazy. That was kind of cool, because the whole. Even in the drive down, I'm like, keep checking my messages. And during the. Obviously, I didn't check my phone during.

[A]

During my. My show is you.

[B]

I.

[A]

The thing I hate about a standup show is, like, you have to calm people down during it. There's sometimes people yell out, but I'm like, I don't want to be the substitute teacher. You know? Like, I. You can be on your phone if you want to be on your phone. Just shut the up while you do it.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

I didn't get you. Sorry. Okay. I. I tried my best. I. I didn't go on stage and not do my best. So you saw a show where someone yelled out during it, which I. What was your perspective on someone yelling out? You know, sometimes. Because when family and friends see someone yell at me on stage, I know that they get like. Like, my parents are like, just move on. Just move on. They just don't want me.

[B]

I like it when. I like it when you get in there and, like, you know, call them out. And if that were me, I would feel regretful for screaming out and interrupting somebody's show.

[A]

The person did kind of. They messaged me. So this person yelled out, asking about Jordana's babies, which is like. It is offensive to me during my show. That has nothing to do with Jordana's babies. To go, hey, so what's going on with Jordana? It's like, wow, I really lost you. And so it is offensive. And I noticed that they were taking. Taking pictures during the show, so this person came For a different show than I was putting on, which is. That can happen. Everyone comes to a comedy show with different ideas of what it is. Oh, he's gonna talk to us. He's gonna make fun of me, everyone. I'll be on stage. No, you're not. That's not what my show is. And when that doesn't happen, they go, ah, well, we'll just act like we're at an Applebee's. Catching up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so then this woman yells out about Jordana's babies, and I, you know, answered her and made fun of her. And you. You know, the. Making fun of her isn't to, like, be mean to her. It's to communicate. This wasn't where the show is going. I'm sure, you know, when you're someone's doctor, their therapist, you go, oh, they're not hearing this right? And I kind of know they're not hearing this. And then they message me with their phone number after let's get together. I'm like, on what earth do I want to go out with my. You know, with the person that was, like, being a dick to me, you know, like, how much of a. You know, how much confidence do you think I lack? You know?

[B]

So she probably didn't see it that way. She maybe thought she was being funny or. But. Right. I don't think people realize how much work I do when I watch a comedy show. Goes into the timing. It. Ha. It's all about the. Whenever I try to retell a joke, I mess it up every time because it's the timing. And so if someone ruins your flow, I could see that being really annoying.

[A]

Yeah. Because then you have to get. You have to readjust. You have to make fun of this person, then bring people back to the beginning. Like, I have to make fun of them. I have to have the audience be on board. I can't be too mean. It's a man talking to a woman. I'm not going to like. You know, that's a tough dynamic. And, you know, it is a lot of psychology. Like, I have to worry, but I have to worry about the psychology of a thousand people sitting in front of me, you know, and. And not to make it more than it is, I'm talking about farts and penises. So, like, it's fine. But, like, I. I do have a moment where I'm like, I. I appreciate when you say that. Because I'm like, there's so many factors

[B]

that you can't tell one single retell a single joke without it maybe it

[A]

wasn't like, maybe mine aren't that funny to.

[B]

But I really appreciate a lot of effort goes into it. So when I feel you. When people.

[A]

Two years of writing, really, it takes two years for a special to really be kicking. And, you know, the material that I'm talking about is from years ago too. Like, I'm talking about a trip I took to Europe that was years ago that I'm like, bringing back those memories that's difficult to do. And then I'm talking about, like, you know, dealing with my family. And, you know, it is. When it works, nothing feels better in the entire world. Like when it. When it's chugging along, hysterical.

[B]

It was like we were. The people behind me were cackling in my ear like Jeff was hysterical. It was. It was a great time and it was a great day. We ended up with a baby after that too. So it was.

[A]

And we got a baby. So listen, Dr. Naomi, you're going to answer a couple of emails with me. We want everyone to go follow Dr. Naomi, go over sharing the group and individual therapy. Sign up@naomi Bernstein.com. okay, let's play a Nicky or Picky. You ready?

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

I have a quote of the day before we get into it. You ready? Because this is a quote you give, but I want you to explain it. Because I feel it, but I want you to explain it. When the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change, you change.

[B]

So this is originally a quote that comes from addiction recovery. Right? So that's where it originally comes from in the sense of when the pain of the life that you're living as an addict is worse than the pain that it'll take for you to change, then you'll do whatever it takes. And I think this works well for dating also in the sense that you know pain of being on your own. And if you. Is isn't that great. If you love your life, if you're busy, if you're traveling, if you're having fun, if you have lots of friends, you love your job, then the pain of the pain probably isn't greater than the pain of the change. And we'll listen to an email and see what the pain of the change is. But we can discuss this one. See what the pain of the change is in terms of doing things differently in dating or maybe being vulnerable or we'll see what.

[A]

So the pain of the change, let's bring it back to like alcohol. The pain of the pain is I wake up with A hangover every morning. The pain of the change is I have to go to a bar and not have the social lubricant of alcohol.

[B]

Yep, exactly.

[A]

That's basically, that's what it is. So it's trade offs. And I think that's maybe like the biggest problem with dating is. And the biggest problem I'm sure that you see with someone going is my life where it should be at 40 is are they okay with trade offs? You know, I deal with my mom every day. She, she has never understood the idea of trade offs. Like when I'm like, hey, I found a new apartment. She's like, is there a butler's pantry? And I'm like, well, I couldn't afford the butler's pantry, but I do have a second bedroom, which makes me feel really happy. Well, how many parking spots do you have? Seven parking spots? No, well, no, it doesn't come with seven parking spots. Comes with two. Well, what will you do with your, your bicycle tires? You. Where will you put them? And I'm like, well, I, I'll make a trade. There's a trade off. I have to put my bicycle tires in the second parking spot. You know, like, I, And I think it's funny, you know, I wish I didn't have to deal with trade offs. I wish we could have everything. But you, you know, can't have it all is. And it sounds depressing, but how do we, how do you do a positive spin on, I'm dating someone who I love, but I can't have it all. It's kind of what this is saying.

[B]

Yeah, it. And that's very true. I think the best way to look at it, I mean, I've been married for almost 20 years. Right.

[A]

And you guys seem happy. When I see you two together, there's an energy. Let me, let me give you feedback as a couple. There is, there's fun energy. You seem to like each other. There's little bit of ball busting going on. There's, there's, there's love there. You know, there, there, there's, and there's like a, and let me just say some sexual tension between you and your husband. Like you could. There's a palpable. I can't say that for everybody. How do you. What, how do you do that?

[B]

There's a lot of things that he is and that we are and there's a lot of things that he isn't and that we aren't. And for us, I think, like, I mean, obviously I do think physical attraction is Important because it makes the other things more tolerable. There's that trade off, right? Like if you're physically attracted to someone, they're a little bit less annoying, or the things that they do that are irritating are less irritating. But I think in terms of not focusing on the. This is the mindset piece, right? I'm. We don't enjoy the same hobbies, really. Jeff and I like. He's foodie, he likes to cook, he likes to eat. I like to play sports, I like to climb rocks. I like to. You know, we don't.

[A]

Yeah, Jeff sounds like my type.

[B]

He does. He likes wine, he likes food. He's very sensory. Like music, all that, you know, And I like music, but I'm not. I'm not spending a whole day just listening to albums. So. But if I focused on that and I was like, I heard you guys. You and Brian did one about someone, a different music taste, and I thought

[A]

that they didn't like indie bands.

[B]

Absurd.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like I'm married 20 years. If I decide that I can't be with him because he likes, you know, this band and I don't. That's the point of, like, if. When you're dating, if you're focusing on these nitpicky little hobbies that I like or I don't like, that's where I think you're gonna get.

[A]

So I have a. I have a question for you, because as a single man, 40 years old, I get asked, will you meet my friend? All the time? And I get asked by my parents, relatives, friends, dms, moms in my dms.

[B]

Right, Jerry, that's flattering.

[A]

It's very flattering. But. And then here's a lot of times, and this is something that people around, as you get older, they. The feedback is not. No one wants to hear it. If I say not my type, the feedback always is like, who are you to even have a type at this point?

[C]

Ah.

[A]

And. And it not. They don't say that in those many words. No one's.

[B]

That. That's the. That's what you're interpreting.

[A]

That's the vibe I get back. Like, you. Well, they're beautiful. Then it's like, not my type isn't that they're ugly to me. But I'm. I have been dating for long enough to know that this is a type that I have dated before, that I start straying towards other types that are very similar to one another, you know, So I. I'm like, that's not my type. And it's usually someone that's like very like, you know, someone's trying to fix me up and then it's like a very like societally skinny blonde. Let me, let me give a societal type of hot chick, you know, skinny blonde. And I'm like, they're not my type of, you know, I like a curvy, curvy woman. Like I, I, I've said this enough times on the air and, and it's

[B]

like, stop sending the skinny blondes.

[A]

Right. Well, I'm like, look at my for you page. It's a bunch of, you know, big tittied models. You know, like I, I, I'm sorry, I, and, but then the feedback is like, well you, you seem like almost crazy. Do you think not my type is enough of a reason to not go on a first date with someone?

[B]

Well, I think I, this might be controversial, but I do think in some ways for a not my type sounds more of like a sexual, like you could look at a tall blonde and be like, she looks beautiful. Like a painting, like a beautiful painting. Sexually, there's probably something not happening there in the same way. So I think some people don't get that. And I think for a man that's probably a little bit different maybe than for a woman.

[A]

Different how? It means more to a man than a woman.

[B]

Yeah. Because I think men are wired to be sexually looking around a little bit more.

[A]

I'll give you an example. This is like a very crazy example, especially after kids. What do you mean?

[B]

I think when a woman has kids it's like she's focused on this family and this little unit and I think there's just a different, if you're not getting your sexual type as a man in a relationship, it's a little bit more dangerous versus a woman, I think. And this is stereotypical. So everyone's going to come for me, but like.

[A]

Right, but that's, that's why we're going to make a clip out of this because I actually, I believe in what you're saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For a man, like if they say not my type, stop pushing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like I don't, that, that would be my view of it. But from the doctor, you know, the therapist, you know, point of view, would you say, would you agree with that?

[B]

If what you're saying is true, if you're showing a woman a tall, handsome blonde, Right. And she prefers dark hair, dark eyed guy, I don't think that's gonna matter. Right. Or like if she prefers a beefier guy and this is a skinnier guy. I don't think for women. Come again? Feedback. Right? Let's hear it.

[A]

Go on, say it. Say, say your piece.

[B]

I don't think that's gonna affect the ability for a long term future in the same way for a woman if they're both attractive like you're saying tall, beautiful blonde versus like a curvy brunette. Shorter maybe, whatever it is. I don't think for a woman that's going to change the long term future if they're both like conventionally attractive people and you could find them attractive. That sexual craving for a certain type of body I think is going to be more of a problem on the guy's end if we're talking about heterosexual relationships here than on a woman.

[A]

I think that's an interesting thing to look at because I do think you get proposed people. Like I went on a date with Brooks Nader, the, for the swimsuit model, like Keeping up with the Naders. It was part of their show. And I went on the date with her and she was like totally amazing and awesome. And I was like, this is why she's a supermodel. Like her personality is something that I was like infatuated by. But I did say to myself, weirdly me, grossy, you know, dumpy juic. I'm sitting here going, she's not my type. Like I. And I. And I was like, I was like, she's beautiful.

[B]

And I think what you mean by that is there's a sex. There might be a sexual craving for another type of physical body if I'm not getting that with this person, right?

[A]

And it was just so weird to think I was like. Cuz someone would look at me and go, you know, like you don't want to marry her. And I'd be like, no, I wasn't really there. I don't know. It's just a weird thing I want

[B]

to hear from the people I'm curious to see. I think not my type for a woman I think means maybe more like I'm not attracted to this person.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And not my type for a man means like I'm not that excited about having sex with this person, right?

[A]

I guess I would say I would still have sex with them. Not my type of.

[B]

But I'm gonna have my eyes looking out for the other one.

[A]

The way I sweat for someone, right. Is different, you know, the, the chemical, physical, animalistic, you know, drool. It. It's for a different type, right. You know, And I don't know, I, I think about this a lot because I'm like, I do get presented with so many nice, beautiful women.

[B]

And that's hard to say out loud around this theater. I was gonna wait. Jeff and I were gonna wait and hang out, say hi to Jared. And then I saw this line. I was like, I, I can't wait. Beautiful women like gorgeous woman after woman on this line.

[A]

And it's all of them absolutely worthy of love and an amazing relationship like that. That's the thing. I, I can't them all.

[B]

So should we answer some people's questions?

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. March is all about celebrating women, especially International Women's Day. First of all, women are incredible. We're the planners, the emotional support system, the ones keeping track of everything. But when we're showing up for everyone else, our own emotional well being can easily fall to the bottom of the list if you're feeling the pressure. Therapy can be such a helpful way to create balance, set boundaries and make space for yourself. You know, everyone is really still figuring it out, including me. And I think therapy is the best way to help figure yourself out your world out what you want out, and just work through any issues that you really are having a tough time figuring out on your own. A licensed therapist can really help you get to the bottom of whatever has been bothering you. With over 30,000 fully licensed therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com UUP that's better. H-E-L-P.com UUP at some point I looked in my drawer and I realized I owned a lot of underwear that I didn't actually want to wear. You know, like those backup pairs, the pairs that you're like, I'm out of everything else. I guess I'll put this on. But since I found skims, they're basically the only thing I wear. I am obsessed with skims underwear and bras. It's pretty much literally all I wear. I wear their bralettes around my house all the time. I'm constantly wearing their underwear. It, it's the only underwear that just feels like as comfortable as not wearing underwear, which for me is a pretty big thing. I really love their Fits Everybody T shirt bra. I wear it all around the house. I wear it out to do errands and their scoop rowlette because like again, it's so so comfy and it also looks great. It's really flattering which is really hard to find. Shop my favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.

[D]

Dearest Gentle Reader, this is Lady Alison Hammond, host of the official Bridgerton Podcast. I'll be sitting down for high tea and fancy bonbons with my favorite members of the Bridgerton cast like Luke Thompson and Yerin Ha, AKA Benedict and Sophie. Claudia, Jessie and Hannah Dodd who play our beloved Bridgerton sisters Eloise and Francesca are even beholding court with Queen Charlotte herself. Golda Rocha, Val and Mama Bridgerton Ruth Gemmell. I'll also be chatting to some of the brilliant minds who bring the ton to life, such as showrunner Jess Brownow and TV legend Shonda Rhimes. You'll be able to watch our video episodes on Netflix right away. Meanwhile, audio episodes will debut weekly on Spotify, Apple and wherever you get your podcasts. So gentle reader, don your finest attire and ready your heart for the official Bridgeton podcast.

[A]

If the Featherington carriages are rocking, do not go a knocking.

[D]

It's a gala ball and you're all invited ta.

[A]

This is an icky or picky so we are going to tell people if they're being too picky. They have the ick we get to judge. Is it a nick or are they being too picky? Longtime listener writing to you after a conversation has left me feeling very lost and insecure. I'm feeling a bit turned off. Maybe that's just me being picky. I'm a 34 year old woman living in Toronto. In October I started Talking to this guy, 37, who is the same creative field as I am. We really started to vibe in early November. We began meeting up and have been seeing each other pretty regularly since then. Once a week or so. I really enjoyed the time I spend with him and he's probably one of the gentlest and warmest human beings I've ever met, but I'm having a really hard time gauging where he's at and how he feels. We have had some conversations that have illuminated quite a bit about the situation. He has been divorced for a few years. He's been single since then I'm the first person he's dated or kissed since then and he's been pretty closed off for the last few years. I'm trying my best to trust that these are true. We have been somewhat intimate, second base or something like that. But he revealed to me in a voice note today that something much deeper than biology is blocking him right now and he wants to take things slow. I have to say, considering the current pace, I'm not sure what slow means. And the whole conversation made me very suspicious. Definitely should have been a call. I even suggested that one part of me is very jaded and thinks this is a buffer to keep me at arm's length and keep me from expecting anything more, which hurts a lot. Another part of me wants to believe him when he says taking things slower will help us both in the long run. I have been very tempted, like old times with many situation ships past to quietly and slowly back away, delete and move on. But I also feel like I'm too old for that. To be honest, I haven't been in anything serious myself since I was in my late 20s. So I'm trying to figure out what the mature thing to do is here and I'm trying to understand what is going on and how to approach it. So he's not initiating anything. Should I see this as an icky red flag or am I just being picky? I really like the guy.

[B]

Help her sign off. She really likes him. So I, I don't think that this is like her saying this is a turn off. This is great to have. She says he's a gentle. One of her descriptor words is he's gentle. And this is the first person that he's with since his marriage. And we don't, we don't have the information on how long that marriage is, but I could see a gentle, sweet, sensitive guy. The first person you're with after, perhaps, who knows? I mean, he's 37. They could have been married for 10 years.

[A]

He's, you know, he's 37. Yeah.

[B]

The first person he's with after it. It might. I think it's normal for sex to feel a little uncomfortable when it's the first person after you've been with one person for, you know, perhaps a long time. So I think this is worth just maybe making him feel comfortable emotionally. He might be coming into this feeling like I'm in my head and I, you know, I don't know. He said more than biology, so maybe he's having trouble. And you know, sexually, there and insecure. I think there's something going on on his end about moving into this new thing. And if you like him, I would make him comfy to talk about it and say, hey, we can take our time here. As long as I know that, like, you're into this.

[A]

Dr. Naomi, why don't you be my therapist and people can listen in, because let me give a reason I would give to someone that. So let me put myself in this guy's shoes and give the reason I would give for not having sex with her. So. So let me. Let me give. And it might be where he's at. I mean, the spectrum is wide. It could be he has. You know, he says it's not biology, but who knows? Maybe he has something going on with his body that he's afraid to tell you. That could be it. I don't think that's it. If he's saying this, being that he's gentle and just getting out of a divorce, here's how I would feel. You ready? Dr. Naomi? I'm dating this, like, really wonderful woman, and it's been a couple years since my divorce, but I keep putting off sex with her because of the divorce. I feel it was like a really, like, big shake, you know, it was a seismic move in my life, and I felt so guilty and bad, you know, ending a relationship. I was the one that ended it. I feel horrible. The whole family was mad at me, and I ruined this really good relationship. I put off kids because, you know, she wanted to have kids. And I used that as a way to not get too deep with her because I. It was kind of my escape because if I had kids with her, I'd stay with her forever and just be miserable. So I ended it. And I. Now she's blaming. You know, she blamed me for wasting her time. And. And time is valuable for a woman. And so now I'm dating again. And every time I get close with someone, I feel like the sex would lock me in. Like, if I had sex with her, that would be, like, a promise I'm making. And if I don't like her after that and I want to end it because I'm still not sure about her. And where we go from here, I. That's why I'm pushing off. And now I'm with this girl who's, like, great, but I'm like, I kind of don't. You know, the sex, I think, would make me feel even worse if I ended it afterwards.

[B]

So it sounds like you're taking all of that baggage and guilt and trauma, even from your past relationship and projecting that forward into what will happen if you have sex with this person.

[A]

That's how it feels like to me.

[B]

I think a part of it is maybe having a conversation with this woman and being on the same page, which we can get into your, Your whole marriage and how clearly you communicated there. But we're not going to do this for these purposes. But I. But I think so.

[A]

I did a bad job on the marriage. Okay, I get it. I get it.

[B]

Right? So this is.

[A]

Yeah, I talked about that. That woman's gone.

[B]

This is a great opportunity for you to say, hey, you know, whatever. Whatever you feel like. I'm really attracted to you. I'd love to have sex with you. I do see this, you know, progressing and, you know, at least in the, you know, I'd like to continue to see you, but. And I want to have sex with you, but I want you to know that I'm not 100% sure about where this is going, but I'd like to explore things with you and I want to make sure you're okay with that.

[A]

Here's what I would say to the listener. If this little mini therapy session gave you the ick, like putting this guy in the shoes of me. If that gave you the ick, I actually agree with your ick. Like, he's not ready, you know, and that gives me pause. And now I'm turned off. And if this conversation made you more curious and understanding of his side of the story and want to learn more, but also understanding that having sex might mean, you know, you break up after the sex, then I think it's worth. You're being too picky, you know, Like,

[B]

I love what you did there. You gave her an in vivo exposure to this ick to see if it, you know, I love it because to

[A]

me, that's one that's probably the most likely of answers for him. If he's acting honestly now, if he's acting dishonestly and he's a bunch of women and he was like, I gotta hold off because I just, you know, was with someone, you know, 10 minutes ago. We can't know that. But like, we'll take him at his word. But I, I do think for her when she says, like, she. Her most honest part is I really like the guy. Her sign off. So you really like the guy? I would say that his feelings don't matter, but I really like you. I need to know what's going on here. I also want to you and I need to know why you won't do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he might run away.

[B]

I think there's a fallacy that someone needs to be perfectly healed and not have any thoughts of any. Anything before they can move on to another relationship. I think you can do that with someone as long as you're communicating about it. He's saying, like, he's dipping his toe in the water by saying it's not just biology, which I. My interpretation of that is maybe I. I could be wrong, but there's some biological component. Meaning, like, he's having trouble performing or he's having performance anxiety because he's in his head maybe about everything that you just said. So if he's thinking about all that, it's not gonna work in the moment. And so he's anxious about that not working and not being relaxed. So I do think a conversation about it might help. But, yeah, I. If that. If you don't want to be in it with him, then, yeah, this probably isn't your person. But if you're willing to say, hey, you just got divorced, we can talk about it like, I'm. What are you feeling?

[A]

But don't do that talk of, like, everything you just heard from me was like, ugh, oh, my God. The guy's really too much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, let's do another email.

[B]

All right.

[A]

UUP betches.com keep sending your emails. We want you to send your emails. I'm also on the road. If you are out there, want to come to a show. Naomi had a great time. You had fun. Even.

[B]

Even with people yelling out my favorite comment. You are my favorite.

[A]

Stop it. Stop it. You're biased. But I will take all compliments. I'm on the road, so come to a show. Jared free dot com, L.A. los Angeles. I'm coming, everyone in LA. When are you coming to LA? Can you buy tickets early if you're hearing this now? Because it doesn't help me. That helps me. Don't do the. Well, I came to support. No, no. Buy the tickets early. That's supportive. And then I put on a great show. You have fun. That is an even exchange

[B]

thy ticket,

[A]

lady Jennifer of Coolidge. Well, many thanks, good sir. Here is my Discover card.

[B]

They accept Discover at Renaissance Fairs. Yeah, they do here.

[A]

Discoverers accept the. At the places I love to shop. Get it with the times.

[B]

With the times. You're playing the loot.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And it sounds pretty good, right? Discover is accepted at 99 of places that take credit cards nationwide, based on the February 2025 Nielsen report.

[E]

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[F]

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[B]

Hi Jay and Jay and dn. I've recently discovered the podcast. I'm really enjoying it. I need your help figuring out what this text means. Screenshots attached I'm 30 male. This is right after a first date with a flight attendant, 31 female that I met on Hinge. The date was pleasant. We talked a little bit about past relationships. She mentioned she recently got out of a two year relationship and is looking to date casually right now. I told her I'm also recently out of a relationship and open to dating casually for now, but ultimately looking for something long term. I texted her later saying I had a good time and was interested in seeing her again. She responded though by saying I was, quote, too nice for a casual date. What I'm wondering is, is there really a category of men that are too nice to date casually, or is this her way of saying she just didn't feel a connection? I'll admit I've struggled with nice guy syndrome and being too much of a people pleaser in the past, so it's entirely possible to that she sensed that and wasn't into it. Sincerely, too nice to date casually.

[A]

Okay, I've been this guy before. This sucks. This is the worst. This is like the worst case scenario. You're like, oh, you want to date casually? Ding ding ding. I found the one. I don't have to end this. This is going to be great. Then she's like, yeah, you're my.

[F]

You're.

[A]

You're a bit of a kitty cat. I'm looking for a tiger. And you're like I didn't make the cut. So let's read the text. You be. I'll be him. You be her.

[C]

Ready?

[A]

I enjoyed meeting up with you the other day. Smiley face. He. That's when I knew it was over for him. The minute I saw smiley face with the colon and paragraph. Yeah, he didn't even do the emoji. Yeah, it was, it's like, dude, no. She wants to, you know. No. Okay, ready? I asked you how you thought it went. So now here are my thoughts. Spending time with you was nice and I'd be up for meeting up again for a casual date. Blushing face emoji. I did. I know you said you're not looking for anything serious right now. We could actually get that coffee next time. I know a great place in blank for espresso drinks.

[B]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. You're too nice for just a casual date. Though. I think some other ladies out there would have a less crazy schedule and a better match for you. Smiley face. I'm interested in staying friends with you and if you're okay with that, then we can get that coffee. And then she, and then she sends a picture picture.

[A]

She sends a sunset picture which that's what you send to your, your, your, your bestie. And then she writes, I never stop

[B]

being amazed at the sky. I

[A]

ah, man, I feel for this guy. He writes, thanks for being honest. Smiley face. I guess for me I don't mind the casual date since I'm just recently started dating again. I could be open to staying friends. We'll have to see. Oh no. And then he responds to I never stopped being amazing by at the. Stop being amazed at the sky. That's gorgeous. I bet it's an amazing view when you're in the sky too. Dude, run away. Are you kidding me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you think, Dr. Naomi? Is there, is there a therapy, Dr. Chemical thing here?

[B]

I think that she, she's saying up front she wants casual, which I think means that this is probably the equivalent of the. Your type of. You know what I'm saying? Like she wants us like a sexual type probably if she's looking for casual that if you're a people pleaser and you're too nice of a guy, he's probably a little bit of a beta, which is fine. Like I think for a long term partner a beta is great for a lot of women. They like to be able to kind of, you know, call more of the shots and make more of the decisions and. But for a short term casual sexual thing, I think she probably is looking for a little Bit more of an assertive alpha type.

[A]

She wants to land in Cedar Rapids and get rocked. That's what she's saying. And he don't got the ability to do that for her. And good for her. I'm happy she's. And she's saying it to him like she wants to have an experience that is really not this like interpersonal thing that she's gonna feel bad, you know, hurting someone's feelings and, you know, and, and doesn't want to talk about the sky with them and wants to like, you know, she's got this different job as a flight attendant where she's going in and out of cities. She doesn't want to deal with the responsibility of another human being. And, you know, they went and got drinks and she was attracted to him and then she saw that this wasn't going to be the type of guy that could like provide the service that she's looking for.

[B]

Right. I do think this comes full circle to the pain of the pain is greater than the pain of the change. Because she doesn't want to change right now. Like, she just wants to be. If she, let's say it's five years down the line and let's say she wants kids and she wants a long term partner, I believe her that this guy might be the guy for her. I don't think it's even that she's not attracted to him or that she doesn't. And you know, I don't. I just think that right now she's not in a place where the pain of the pain that she needs to put up with the pain of the change, which is like, oh, I wish he'd be a little bit more sexually assertive or I wish he'd be a little bit more, you know, alpha in our interactions. That to me, if she wants, if the pain of the pain is like, I don't know, let's say it's, I'm 40 and I want to have kids. Let's say that's the pain of the pain. I think this guy would be great. Or even if it was five years down the line and she's like, I'm ready to settle into something. The pain of the change, which is like, maybe I prefer a little bit more of a alpha guy, but I'm willing to kind of keep going and seeing if I can see the beauty in this softer, more gentle guy that really cares about everyone's happiness around him, which is what a people pleaser is, which is a beautiful thing.

[A]

It is. It's Just like, this is a mismatch of time, space, you know, all that, you know, and it's funny. It's like what she's looking for as far as for now is, like, she kind of had an interview process, and she had the interview, and he was like, I'd love this job. Just want to follow up and see if you've filled the position. And she's like, excuse me. We have this position that has a very specific set of requirements. And I, I, I'm. It hurts me to say that you don't fit the position. We'll keep you in mind for another time. But this guy, like, you know, as far as, like, explaining to him what happened, it's like nothing happened. You did everything right because you acted like yourself and you were the person you are, which will be great for someone and. But, you know, not all of us are made to be studs. I think this is the problem with dating apps. It, like, lets you wear the, the costume of a stud. You know, you used to have to go to a bar, walk in, talk to someone, bring them home. You know, that took a lot of energy, money, that took looks, that took charm. You can do that every night on a dating app without any of those things. You don't need money. You don't need to leave the house. You don't need that much charm, because you can kind of type out the script of who you want to be. And then you end up on a date with hottie stewardess. And she's like, where the. Did you know, you know Dwayne the Rock Johnson Go, yeah, I'm sitting here with Kevin Hart, you know, so, you know, this is less, you know, cat fishing. This is stud fishing. You know, this is. He acted a certain way on the app. They met on Hinge. Hey, I'm in town. Oh, come meet up. And then he's like, hey, so it's great to meet you. Smiley face emoji. And she's like, like, no, you know, like, for her, this is a different version. So listen, Dr. Naomi Bernstein. This was fantastic. We are so happy.

[B]

Really fun. It's.

[A]

This felt like I was with, like, Jordana, you know, this is like the, you know, this is like the. It's like Jordana different. You know, it's like I, I have the same feeling of, like, you know, it's very nice.

[B]

Oh, we, We. I'm sure you miss her. You'll be so excited when she comes back. I'm really thrilled to be here again. I loved your show. So if you're listening. If you like the vibe, come find me. NaomiBurnstein.com individual sessions. The groups are awesome. Come check us out and listen to oversharing.

[A]

Listen to oversharing. I am a huge fan of the show. It is such a great Tuesday listen. That's my first listen on a Tuesday morning. Chill. Love it. And the triggers are so funny. I just like, I think that segment is like such a fun look at like what gets people annoyed. And they're the most personal of stories. So over sharing. Sign up for their benefit for their extras and also go naomiburnstein.com I'm Jared Freed. We solve dating again. We will be back next week.