My Boyfriend's Side Hustle Is Ruining Our Relationship

Summary

Podcast Summary: U Up? — "My Boyfriend's Side Hustle Is Ruining Our Relationship"

Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Release Date: June 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively, sharply insightful episode, Jordana and Jared explore the impact of “side hustles” on relationships, the expectations we carry into vacations, and how to confront modern dating dilemmas with honesty and humor. They address listener emails covering everything from how a boyfriend's obsessive commitment to a part-time job might be undermining intimacy, to whether a first trip as a couple is supposed to feel magical. Classic U Up segments like "Icky or Picky" and "Red Flag or Dealbreaker" bring all the laughs and real talk about navigating dating apps, unexpected sexual quirks, and even the etiquette of post-medical-procedure pickups.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catch-up & Personal Updates (01:17–22:27)

• Jordana reflects on the routines and surprises of parenthood and raising twins, including dog-parenting mishaps with Ron ("He still has diarrhea from time to time." – Jordana, 03:25).
• Jared gleefully promotes his new book and discusses the pressure of launch week, appearances (like a hilarious exchange on Kelly Clarkson), and the surreal thrill of seeing your work in airport bookstores.
• Light debate on gender roles, including "losery" takes about alimony (“I do think it’s losery for men to get alimony.” – Jordana, 09:34).
• Candid talk about how ego, expectations, and societal double standards shape our dating opinions, drawing parallels with reality TV judges like Simon Cowell and Mr. Wonderful.

Notable Quote

"You can make more confident decisions knowing that the other side isn’t thinking about you that much. You can do no wrong is really what this book is to tell you." (Jared, 07:20)

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2. Email #1: Vacation Expectations vs. Reality (22:28–41:19)

Email Summary & Debate

Listener: 35F, dating 41M for seven months, just returned from a vacation to Morocco.
She hoped for romance and emotional closeness but felt underwhelmed—too much exhaustion, not enough intimacy, and a lot of defaulting to phones at dinner. Affection and sex were present, but emotional depth was missing. She wonders if expectations were too high, if she’s being too sensitive, or if this signals bigger compatibility issues.

Key Points

• Unspoken Expectations: Jordana points out that unvoiced expectations are a “test” not everyone knows they’re taking. (“When you don’t voice an expectation, you are…testing someone to see if it comes naturally to them.” – Jordana, 25:33)
• Emotional Arguments: Jared notes she’s fighting with herself, feeling like she may not “deserve” to want more.
• Reality of Intimacy: The hosts agree sex ≠ intimacy; meaningful conversation and curiosity are key, especially on a first couple’s trip.
• Actionable Advice: Initiate honest dialogue post-trip: “I have real deep feelings for you, and I thought this trip would take those feelings and make them even deeper...I’m upset we didn’t get there.” (Jared, 40:14)

Notable Quotes

• “This is my issue with couples who say they never fight…you’re letting all these little things fester.” (Jordana, 27:01)
• “Men, in general, we hate intangible. Why don’t men want to go to therapy? When does it end?” (Jared, 40:25)
• “Vulnerability begets vulnerability. You have to be the change you want to see.” (Jordana, 41:19)

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3. Icky or Picky: Who Should Text First? (42:26–50:31)

Scenario: A guy at the gym asks for a listener’s phone, puts his number in, and tells her to text him. She’s turned off, feeling it’s low effort and lacking confidence.

Debate:

• Jared argues this is actually bold; Jordana sees subtlety if the context is gym-specific and possibly avoids awkwardness if she’s uninterested.
• Agree it’s not “icky”—if she’s interested, texting isn’t high-investment and could still lead to him making the real first move.
• Verdict: She’s being picky, but her feelings are valid. Sometimes you just have to let the small stuff go and see how it plays out.

Notable Quote

“You’re telling your dating blog for us...at a point, it’s like, let it fucking go. We’re all going to have to do versions of things we said we would never do.” (Jared, 49:36)

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4. Email #2: The Side Hustle That’s Taking Over (51:26–63:33)

Listener: Dating four years, living together three. Boyfriend picked up a part-time Home Depot job but now works 35–40 hours a week there, on top of his full-time job. Financials are fine; her issue is lack of time, energy for the relationship, and his defensiveness when asked to scale back.

Hosts’ Breakdown:

• Jordana suspects, in order: cheating, emotional withdrawal, or maybe a grand ring surprise.
• Jared offers a fourth option: He’s seeking purpose and validation that he doesn’t find in domestic life.

  “This Home Depot job means a lot more to him and his self-worth.” – Jared (58:48)

• The group agrees – the solution is an honest, specific talk. Suggest using multiple-choice (cheating, checked out, ring, or deep existential need) to see what resonates.
• If he’s not open, it may signal fundamental incompatibility.

Notable Quote

“I’m a man, 41, living on this earth, fearful of AI and fearful of the value I might lose. I want to feel valuable.” (Jared, 60:05)

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5. Red Flag or Dealbreaker — Best Bits

Wearing Women’s Underwear Confession (64:00–66:40)

• If you’re not into it, dealbreaker; if you are, green flag.
• “To me, any form of ‘I do this little different thing’ strikes my curiosity and makes me excited. This should tell you about the male brain.” (Jared, 65:22)

The Hinge "For the Photos" Excuse (66:41–76:14)

• Friend’s boyfriend claims he’s only on Hinge to retrieve lost photos, not to cheat.
• Hosts call BS: “No one’s using dating apps as a storage method.” (Jordana, 76:08)
• Emphasize, if you want a photo, ask your partner—not download a dating app.

Colonoscopy Pick-up on Date #5 (76:14–86:14)

• Listener is asked by a new flame to drive him home from a medical procedure.
• Jared’s mom weighs in live: “If she liked him, she would do it.” (Jared’s Mom, 80:35)
• Jordana points out: It feels too early and a bit usury unless there’s more context or she offers.
• Takeaway: Early relationship favors should come with humility or genuine connection.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Should I keep him? Should I get rid of him? He keeps trying to sit on my face...Just like your 20s.” (Jared, joking about pet drama and past boyfriends, 05:15)
• “I can't imagine my life without him.” / “Little does she know, she’ll have to.” (Listener & Jared, 67:30–68:21)
• “You want a little bit of shame, even though you’re at a certain age.” (Jordana, 83:10)

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Timestamps for Must-Listen Segments

• Book Launch Stories & Modern Ego: 05:26–15:00
• Email #1: Morocco Vacation Reflection: 22:28–41:19
• Icky or Picky: Phone Number at the Gym: 42:26–50:31
• Home Depot Competing with Love: 51:26–63:33
• Red Flag or Dealbreaker: Underwear, Apps, and Colonoscopies: 64:00–86:14

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Tone & Language

Snappy, irreverent, and brutally honest. Jared and Jordana bounce between heartfelt advice, self-deprecating humor, and cultural references (“Bridgerton”-esque hyperbole, Simon Cowell analogies, classic Jewish family asides). The advice is always centered in empathy, encouraging listeners to be clear about their needs while forgiving themselves for having them.

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Final Takeaways

• Open, direct communication trumps silent testing or expectations.
• Intimacy requires intention—not just sex or time together on vacation.
• Understand that modern romance and self-worth are inextricably linked—sometimes your partner’s “side hustle” is really about their existential needs (or, less charitably, escape).
• Don’t be too quick to judge a “low effort” move (like texting first)—sometimes it just takes a gentle nudge.
• Trust but verify: Whether it’s the guy on Hinge “just looking for photos” or the new boyfriend with a suspicious schedule, it’s okay to ask for clarity and honesty.

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If you’re dealing with a partner's workaholism, weird dating moves, radical honesty, or over-sharing relatives—this episode has the advice, empathy, and laughs for you.

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Keep sending your dating conundrums to [e-mail]—no situation is too weird for J&J!

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[Summary by AI, based on full transcript. For the original moments and all the nuance and laughs, check out the full episode on your favorite podcast platform.]

Transcript

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That's freedom to be. Use as directed.

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Your hair is looking great.

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My hair is 40 years.

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41 years old. And you haven't lost it.

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And I'm growing it out.

[B]

It looks like it's getting longer.

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It's getting longer. Wow. I'm. I'm gonna give it away to a. A man in need.

[B]

You're gonna be like one of those. They make male extensions.

[A]

Yeah. Out of my human hair. I'm gonna. My mom cut it. Cut it. My. It is so funny. If I.

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It's impressive.

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My mom. I. It. Sometimes I have to look at my mom and go, well, other women that I want to like it. Like, I have to be like, my girlfriend likes it.

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Right.

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Hair, skin, teeth. Has been.

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And nails.

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And nails. Well, nails always.

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You're like a horse.

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I'm a.

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Hello and welcome back to the U Podcast. I'm Jordan Abraham.

[A]

And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be here in studio with you. Jordana. How are you?

[B]

We are back. We're back in studio.

[A]

The are back.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Hey. Oh, what's going on? How are you? How. How are you? How are the twisters? How's Mike? How's Ron?

[B]

We're all good. I would say the. The. The thing about New parenthood is, like, it's just a lot of the same over and over and over again repetitive. So if you're someone who likes just kind of like a routine, like a heavy routine.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

It is all routine. And if you, like, deviate from the routine, like, you have to pay in one way or another.

[A]

How do you have to pay? Like, if, like, the nap gets screwed up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Night screwed up type of thing.

[B]

If the nap gets screwed up, then the feeding schedule screwed up, then the like, then they don't sleep properly. And then you have to make sure you feed them so, like, on time so they're not angry or fussy. It's like a lot of.

[A]

They're getting big.

[B]

They are.

[A]

I saw the picture the other day and I was like, oh, they have, like, baby cheeks now. Like, they have, like, the big fat cheeks.

[B]

Yeah, they're like real people. They like, look like real people. Like, sometimes I look at them, I'm like, you were like a real, like, ch. You almost like you look more like a child almost than a baby. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's great. I think, like, it's sort of a. It's nice to get a lot more from them. Like, they get. They giggle, they smile, they are sort of interacting with each other. They're starting to be interested in Ron. I'm like, I'm interested in that. Yeah.

[A]

So they're starting to take notice. There's an animal in here.

[B]

Yeah. Like they're smiling when he's like, when he's like sniffing them.

[A]

And how's Ron doing?

[B]

He's a little better.

[A]

He's getting better a little bit.

[B]

I think he's. I think he's chilled out. He's not like. I don't know if it's the neutering or whatever it is, but he's.

[A]

It's definitely the neuter.

[B]

He's like, I think he, he know. He's like, they're getting along okay. Yeah.

[A]

Listen, the family's gelling. I like to hear he's still annoying.

[B]

He still has diarrhea from time to time.

[A]

So do I. Or, you know, I'm still annoying. I still have loose bowels. Ron and I have a lot in common.

[B]

That's true. You go, you go to the bathroom, though.

[A]

I mean, like, I sit there, I take, I take a moment.

[B]

Yeah. But like, Ron will just go wherever it's. Well, last night I was getting the guest room prepared for my sister, Dr. Naomi and her family that are coming.

[A]

They're all coming this weekend.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And I told her I'm sleep training the babies. So bring your white noise machine because it's happening in your room's right next to theirs. Um, but we went in to like move around the sheets and stuff, like change the sheets and just noticed a week old diarrhea shit from Ron.

[A]

A week old diarrhea shit.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's not like a lot. You didn't smell. The house is huge. You didn't smell it from the other wing of the house.

[B]

I couldn't even smell it when I was like, in there. It wasn't that smooth. It was because it was a week old and it was just. It was like hard, I guess, like

[A]

don't have a lot in common.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. There is a difference. I had to really, really get in there and scrub it out really I mean, yeah, it was like melded and

[A]

then you came after a week and

[B]

it's like been hot like.

[A]

And you can't even. Thanks for ruining everyone's day.

[B]

It's melded into the floor. Hi.

[A]

I guess it's. I mean, you can't even yell at Ron for that. He's like, it's a week ago you missed out. Like, you can't yell at me.

[B]

He doesn't give a. Yeah, he's like, should have walked. Should have like cleaned this room earlier.

[A]

Right. Well, I'm happy he's doing better though. I was. I'm cheering for Ron.

[B]

So am I a good boy?

[A]

Yeah, he's a good boy sometimes.

[B]

Most of the time.

[A]

Most of the time.

[B]

Yes. We have a very toxic relationship.

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's what you like about it, I think. Giving you flashbacks in the dating life, it gives you the excitement you lost in dating.

[B]

That's a great point. Yeah. It's very up. The high. The highs are high. The lows are low.

[A]

Yeah. Should I get rid of them?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Should I keep them?

[B]

It's very. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Should I keep him? Should I get rid of him? He keeps. Keeps trying to sit on my face. It's a very.

[A]

Just like your 20s. Exactly.

[B]

How are you?

[A]

Big week.

[B]

Big week for you. As a first time author.

[A]

As a. Thank you. Thank you. As a first time author.

[B]

I'm excited for you.

[A]

Huge week. If you're listening right now or watching on YouTube, the book is out.

[B]

It's out.

[A]

It's out there. You can go.

[B]

This is still an important week because it is the first week. All of the. From to become a New York Times bestseller, which I am a two time student. Two time New York Times bestseller. Twice all the pre orders count up until the full first week after the book comes out. So it's like the first week of release and everything before that.

[A]

Well, so this is the week that they said people need to go to like a bookstore. Like it's important that you're gonna be

[B]

at the airport for some reason. That's so much more exciting.

[A]

Die. If I saw my book in the.

[B]

That was the most exciting thing when someone sent me a picture of seeing it in the airport.

[A]

Oh my God. I would, I would, I would like that. That I didn't even think of that. That's making me happy right now thinking of that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mean, like how many airports.

[B]

Very possible.

[A]

Listen, the major airport, if you see it in the airport, send me a picture. It better be from a delta terminal because that's What I fly most. I, no, this is the week where they say, like, you need your Jordanas. You need your suburban moms to be promoting it to be at the store buying pub day.

[B]

I'm going to be promoting the out of.

[A]

Thank you. I, I, I, I'm pushing this. Like, I'm pushing a baby out of me. I need.

[B]

This is your baby.

[A]

Ha. I'm putting the baby out into the world. So I would love for you to buy the book. And if you already have the book and you've already listened to it, we put, you know, previews onto last week's episode, which is like, thank you, everyone here for doing that. But if you listened or already read it or reading it and you're enjoying it, here's my ask. Get it for a friend. You're. You're probably finding out that it's a little bit more heady than maybe you thought it was. I've gotten a lot of feedback. Kelly Clarkson. I went on Kelly Clarkson.

[B]

Oh, amazing.

[A]

I did, like, a zoom at the end of the episode. It's supposed to be like this fun zoom. She's like, tell me about dating. And I, like, did my, like, hey, I think it's like a very, like, divided dating world right now, and we need some, like, thoughtful, some thoughtful commentary. This book is going to give you the vulnerability from a man that I think people would want to hear and can make you a better, smarter dater that can be more confident. Like, I really do believe you can make more confident decisions knowing that the other side isn't thinking about you that much. You can. You, you can do no wrong is really what this book is to tell you.

[B]

And what did Kelly say?

[A]

Kelly was like. She, like, stopped. She goes, oh, okay. I, she was, like, expecting me to be. Be like you ladies. Well, let me see your titties. Like, I think she thought I was going to come on and be a total mess.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She even messed with me. I, I came out. I go, my dad is really excited for me to be on. Which he was. My dad is, like, a huge Kelly Clarkson fan.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He was like, you're going on Kelly Clark. You got to go on Kelly Clarkson. And I was like, my dad's excited. She goes, why don't you watch? And she goes like, she's, like, messing with me.

[B]

That's what you would say.

[A]

It is what I would say.

[B]

That's what you would say. If someone said, my, my friend loves your. Your stand up, you would say, what about you?

[A]

Kelly and I are just as insecure

[B]

Birds of a feather.

[A]

That's right. Well, Kelly did wait in line to go audition in front of Simon Cowell at one point.

[B]

Yeah, she's. I mean, you know, she's got grit.

[A]

I'm a huge Kelly car. I'm just saying. The type of person that goes to American Idol.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to believe no one saw me but me. You got to be, like, as insecure as I would be.

[B]

Right. Well, I mean, it sounds like you guys are.

[A]

Have a lot in common.

[B]

A lot in.

[A]

Well, maybe we. Kelly, you missed your shot.

[B]

You know, it's too late. Well, she's. I mean, I think she had, like, a bad divorce or something.

[A]

She can't date. This book is for her.

[B]

Yeah. Is she. Who is she dating?

[A]

Is she single?

[B]

She is.

[A]

She's single.

[B]

Yeah. I think she had a bad divorce. Her husband tried to, like, take all of her money.

[A]

Well, we just talked about the husband. He, he.

[B]

But then he died, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And. And, well, take all his money. This is what happens when the. I don't know the story. So let me start with I don't know the story, but he just got alimony.

[B]

Well, that's how it's phrased when a man has alimony.

[A]

Right. That's what I'm saying. Like, maybe he did try to take all our money, but if it's just that he got alimony.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's just annoying.

[B]

I mean, I agree. It's like. Here's the thing. I do feel like it makes me a little bit almost anti feminist, but I do think it's losery for men to get alimony.

[A]

Listen, that, that anti feminism kind of usually doesn't go in that way.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, to be, like, hateful. I mean, it should.

[B]

I mean, feminism is, like, the equality of men and women, and I. So I think that this statement is anti feminist, but I do think it's losery.

[A]

No, in the same way I want men to pay for the date. Like, I think, like, a guy should pay for. It's the same thing. I, I. And if I heard a guy was getting alimony, I'd be like, dude, tell me about that. Like, I would, like, give me the. How that goes. How you feel? Do you get a check? Like, I would have so many questions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

About how he feels about it. Like, if you were a man, a

[B]

loser, and you were getting alimony.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

But if you're, like, a teacher, and you're dating a financier, you know, a

[B]

woman who's, I mean, again, I think it's like a, it's disorder. It's a disordered thought in my head. Like I don't think it's right, but I do feel that way.

[A]

It's a disorder thought that I would, I'm with you. Like, I, I like, yeah, I agree.

[B]

Right. Like, I don't think it's right. Like I do think if a man, you know, makes less money and is taking, you know, helps helping support a woman in her career ambitions, like he should, he should be entitled to that.

[A]

But, but the thing, it's going to be mentioned, right? Like, I mean my dad does that. I don't love the idea if someone's at like, I mean this is something that like again, like this podcast, this is the premise uncomfortable conversations had comfortably like, you know, in the dating world, these are uncomfortable things. But like if my dad like sees a guy that like he knows that like is at the club and it's the wife who makes is the reason they're at the club, it gets mentioned. Sentence one, that's the one, you know, he's like, oh yeah, the wife's the one that, you know, like, right. And it wouldn't happen for the guy, you know, like, which is crazy because

[B]

men and women do, I think make like almost the same amount of money these days.

[A]

I, I'll let the commenters come for you on that one. I don't know what the stat is. I, I, I think it's more, it's,

[B]

it's gear, it's headed more, more than it was. And in many, I think many, many, many relationships, women make as much or more than.

[A]

Right? Well, yeah, that, that, that whole thing I think gets taken over.

[B]

All that being said, I still think it's lame. Like, I don't know, it's a, I think it's an archaic view in my own mind. I'm, I'm admitting to that.

[A]

Well, that's also in dating, the ego of into account when it's being punctured because it's a punch up, you know, so people are like, yeah, him. But it's like, yeah, you're saying him. Like if someone was going to make fun of a man getting alimony in this case, I think the Internet would allow it. You know, like, like what's allowable to make fun of and what's not allowable? The Internet would go, yeah, that loser. He's got a small and he makes no money. It's like, and no one would think that that was a, a easy take. But it is an easy take. It isn't so it's like in, in the same way that if a man made fun of a woman who didn't make a lot of money and had to get alimony, you look at that man making fun of her and go, you're being a piece of.

[B]

Right. No, I agree.

[A]

Do you know what I mean? This is the thing that our brains are having trouble dealing with in.

[B]

I think and I think there are certain circumstances that exacerbate that. Oh, of course. Like the Rachel and the Bachelorette. Rachel Lindsay.

[A]

Rachel Lindsay with the chiropractor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's. They have no kids.

[B]

Yeah, no kids. Weren't married that long.

[A]

And like, he was getting.

[B]

If you're paying alimony to someone who's under the age of like, 50 with no. And you had no children, I do feel like that's okay.

[A]

I think a few women out there that are going turning off this podcast,

[B]

I kind of think, like, in either direction.

[A]

I listen, I'm with you. I, I just.

[B]

Because you're, and you're a, you're a chiropractor. You have a degree in something.

[A]

The more right.

[B]

You can, like, you can support yourself

[A]

a degree in snake oil sales. Yeah, no, I, I, I've gone to a good chiropractor. But no, I, I'm with you. It, it, it, to me, it's the most interesting part about the conversation right now is like, allowable. Make. You're allowed to make what's seen as a brave take. That's not that brave.

[B]

Right. And I guess I just named one you.

[A]

No, no, this is one. A very specific one. That act. I, I, I just.

[B]

We should talk to Kelly Clarkson about that.

[A]

I would the Alamo. I would do anything to talk to her about.

[B]

Yeah, that would be it. It would be funny if you got on and that was like your, Was it live?

[A]

It was, it seemed live to tape. She. Her reaction. Yeah. If I was like, so, how you doing? You're going to need the book. You're divorced. Right. Like, what if I was like, she. No, she was very cool.

[B]

She seemed cool and respectfully, like, I know he passed, so I know there's like a whole.

[A]

Again, we, we know very little. We know a corner of this story that someone who knows the whole thing could be like, this is the most

[B]

horrific take anyone so knowingly.

[A]

We're talking out of her ass. But I was, I've never watched her show before. She's, like, swearing. She's like doing like a daytime show. I, I was like, you know, when something's on TV for a while and it has its audience. You have to respect that it has its audience. Like I, I would never talk on Kelly Clarkson show, but I, I just think like it was interesting to me. I'm like, oh, she's doing like kind of a different thing like this for her. Yeah. This wasn't like Rosie throwing the cush

[B]

and she's created this like long term career for herself which has nothing to do.

[A]

She's an unbelievable voice.

[B]

Yeah. I mean that. She was like the most famous American Idol winner of all.

[A]

Number one.

[B]

Number one, one.

[A]

I watched that whole season.

[B]

I watched you. That was, I think I was in like six, seventh grade when that came out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my, I had a friend who was like obsessed with her. She would vote like 7, 75 times and we're 12, so like that's all we had to do.

[A]

That show comes up to my. I think of a lot because I, I think of it when it comes to giving your opinion.

[B]

Simon Cowell.

[A]

Well, Simon Cowell used to have the most.

[B]

Well, he made the show thoughtful.

[A]

He made the show. So I think about this a lot. I don't know if I've said this here, but the audience of the show would boo him. He would give like a thoughtful take on like someone and whether they could make it.

[B]

I mean, he was a little harsh.

[A]

I think he was a little harsh. He may have spoke harshly, but he never. I thought in the beginning of that show I always like, his opinion was his opinion. He wasn't like trying sugarcoating someone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like he, if someone was great, he said they were great.

[B]

Never said no. It meant a lot when he said they were great.

[A]

That's the point. It's like so. And it's kind of like that's kind of how I think the Internet works. Like if you give a thoughtful opinion that is your own, that is if you're not lying, you're. Then that's the opinion.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's a no from you, dog.

[A]

It's a thank you.

[B]

That's all to say.

[A]

As the great Randy Jackson would say. Well, but I'm saying like so when I watch Simon, these people in the crowd would boo him as he's like, I just don't see how we're gonna sell you. And well, your voice is off. And he was giving and, and it's

[B]

like, no, but yeah, he would do that. But sometimes he would be like garbage. Worst thing I've ever seen.

[A]

Like, he would sometimes that.

[B]

What? Yeah, but I'm saying, like there is that was. That wasn't. But also that would made the show.

[A]

That it made the show. Right.

[B]

You had the balance. If that was the only part of the show, I don't know if it would work. But you had the Paula being like,

[A]

you know, you needed someone gushing.

[B]

Yeah. Someone like just who was like polite and sweet and you need. So sorry, but like, I just don't think I can.

[A]

And you needed the audience like Mr.

[B]

Wonderful.

[A]

Total. Yeah. Mr. Wonderful is the same way people Wonderful like him. Right.

[B]

Mr. Wonderful is the Simon.

[A]

Yeah, he's the Simon.

[B]

Why don't people like Mr. Wonderful?

[A]

He's building a data center in Utah. And like, he is Mr. AI. He's out in front. He's on T's taking.

[B]

He's doing everything he's doing in that movie.

[A]

He was really good in that movie. And Marty Supreme.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't really like Marty supreme, but he was good in it.

[A]

And. And people are saying he's bad in it. And I'm like, well, that's again, those. To me, the people saying he's bad in it are the emotionals that are in the audience of American Idol. Like, they just don't like him.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you go, well, no, he's good. Like, he's playing this part so well

[B]

that you saw him. You did really like it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When he liked. When he liked the idea.

[A]

Well.

[B]

And also, I will take 25% in perpetuity.

[A]

He loves. He loves perpetuity. In perpetuity. Dude loves an input. All right, well, what do we got? Oh, so you buy the book. Buy the book. Give it to a friend. I do think the book will help. Friend, A cooworker, a brother, a sister, any breakup season. Oh, it is.

[B]

This isn't someone who just got dumped. Give them this book.

[A]

It's also get back out there season.

[B]

Yes. We give it a more positive.

[A]

Well, I'm saying it's a great time

[B]

to be broken up with. I think if you're going to break up with someone, the kind thing to do is to do it at the beginning of summer.

[A]

Absolutely. Well, the kind thing to do. Right. It would have been April.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And then they could have had shape.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like feel good. And now you're like coming out of the cocoon.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

And this book is gonna. And again, we have my summer challenge. The 12 Struts of Summer.

[B]

Yes. Walk with a friend.

[A]

Walk with a friend. 12 appointments. Go with their partner. So let's do some emails. You ready?

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

Also, I'M on the road. If you are out there. I have a book tour. Is the book tour right now? This, wait, this is when it's out? When does this come out?

[B]

10th.

[A]

Holy. I'm on a book tour right now.

[B]

Wow. How's it feel?

[A]

It feels great.

[B]

On tour.

[A]

New York, New York was sold out. I'm sure that was a great show. Then I did Boston. That was last night. Tonight, Philly. Philly, D.C. chicago and Denver. It's an interactive thing. If you want to talk about your dating life, if you want to send in your dating profiles, you want to send in your screenshots, I'll go over with them. Icky or picky, Red flagger. Deal breaker. We can do them all. It's going to be very. Emily is coming to Philly.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So she'll be there tonight and then she's coming to Chicago.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because my brother and Ruthie is going to run moderate Chicago. So that's. My brother's wife is going to moderate. That's great event. And then Denver. She's not going to come. Yeah, that's. It'll be. I'm very excited. The book tour. Yeah, the book tour is just like a. It's a chit chat. It's like we're hanging. So I'm going to be very personal about the book. We're going to talk about, you know, a big part of the book is, is describing what type of alone you are.

[B]

Right. Upbeat.

[A]

Yeah. We really get everyone into a tither. Everyone starts crying and then we go

[B]

through what kind of social anxiety you have.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And then which antidepressant is right.

[A]

That's right. That's right. You just nailed the whole first 20 minutes.

[B]

And then you leave with a cop signed copy.

[A]

That's right. And then we take a picture together, all puffy face. This episode is sponsored by Instacart. When the weather's finally nice, the last place you want to be is inside. Whether you're spending weekends at the park, the beach, or just in your own backyard, Instacart helps you protect all that outdoor time. Set your preferences in the app once and your shopper knows exactly what to grab. Your preferred brands, organic options, or specific produce choices so you get quality without any sacrifice. Get your weekly essentials, snacks and meal ingredients delivered so you can spend more time outside and less time running errands. I love Instacart. I love the fact that you can go and live your life and have someone go and do these tasks for you and get it exactly the way you would get it. When I get turkey, I like a specific type of turkey. I like to let the person who's cutting the turkey know how thick or thin I want it. This Instacart person is going to do that for you and it is very easy to let them know how. So. I am a lover of Instacart. You're going to love it too. Truly, the convenience can't be beat. With just a few taps, you can shop from your favorite stores and have quality groceries and household essentials carefully selected and ready for pickup or delivered to your door in as fast as 30 minutes. Instacart helps take care of delivering the things you need with the quality you deserve so that you're free to take care of life. I would say also for myself, Instacart is great. When I'm on the road and I'm heading home and I want those groceries to be waiting for me at my door, unpacking my bags from the road. It gives me time back which cannot be bought. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like. All right, let's get into it.

[B]

What are we talking about? All right.

[A]

This email is a tough one. I like.

[B]

I like it. All right. Hi J and J. First time, long time, huge fan of not just the pod but the whole JJ Cinematic Universe.

[A]

Whoa. The J&JCU.

[B]

The JCC.

[A]

The JCC.

[B]

Looking to get your perspectives on a potentially iffy first vacation with my new boyfriend? Here are the details. I am a 35 year old female. My boyfriend is a 41 year old male. We met on hinge and have been dating for seven months. Total four months. Officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We are both looking for long term relationships and want to have kids. I haven't had many boyfriends and this is my first official relationship in nearly five years. So it's feeling very new to me.

[A]

She's out. She's out of the cocoon. She's here, she's here. Love it.

[B]

Meanwhile, he has had a handful of long term relationships. Things have been doing not or opposite of slut.

[A]

Oh yeah, right.

[B]

Yeah. Things have been going great. Lots of healthy communication about how we are both feeling and he's a total sweetheart. I'm crazy about him and already feel he very much could be the one. We recently went on a week long vacation to Morocco together. It wasn't a relaxing vacation. We were doing heavy sightseeing and day trips. It was exhausting for sure. But we both like traveling this way and planned it together. I had very high expectations for this trip. I hoped it would be filled with romance and intimacy. We haven't said I love you to each other yet, but I am in love with him and wanted the trip to bring us at least closer to verbalizing these feelings. I am too afraid to say at first, I know, I know, I'm sorry.

[A]

Don't be.

[B]

But that is not what happened. I felt he was exhausted most of the time. In our meals together were often a mixture of small to medium talk and and phone time. Even when I tried to steer things deeper, I don't feel he made any real effort to make conversation or create romance when there was an opportunity for it. For example Sunset dinners, waking up to see the sunrise, stargazing, etc. Nothing went wrong per se. There were no fights or tension. He was affectionate and we had sex almost every day. It just was not the explosively romantic and emotionally bonding trip I had hoped for. I found myself analyzing every moment, anxious the whole time about how the trip was going. Again, it was a very active and tiring trip. Not a lot of downtime. I still love him. If I had this exact same trip two years into a relationship with someone, it would have been great. I just expected more passion given how new this is. So I am left wondering, were my expectations simply too high? Am I being too sensitive? Or is it perfectly average for a strip this early on is a sign that things aren't headed in the right direction. Jared, what would you think about a trip like this seven months into a relationship? Jordana, would you have had similarly high expectations or did I put too much pressure on things? Thank you for everything. Don't roast me too hard. Love a sensitive batch.

[A]

I love this email. Thank you for writing in. This is tough, don't you think?

[B]

I think it is and it isn't. I feel like there's been some steps that have been missed here.

[A]

Okay, what do you think?

[B]

I think like this is one of those situations where someone has very high expectations and hasn't voiced them. It sounds like she hasn't said she's voiced them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When you don't voice an expectation, you are, whether you mean to or not, you were testing someone to see if they're. If something comes naturally to them.

[A]

Right. And so I think you're confusing hope

[B]

for a plan exactly right. So she's like, I was hoping it would be this extremely romantic stargazing whatever thing. And I'm like, yeah, in an ideal world, maybe you meet someone who just is exactly the way that you want them to be. They are. They. They. They know your thoughts. They anticipate what you want in every action. Like the perfect, perfect partner. That's not real life.

[A]

Right. And the problem is she knows that her expectation or what she would hope to happen is, like. She's not, like, letting that be something. She's not, like, letting it be rational. You know, Like, I. I'm not saying it right, but she's not letting her hope for. For. And I love you in a romantic vacation because it's their first vacation. She doesn't let herself get angry about it. Like, she doesn't let herself have the

[B]

emotion, feel like she can't. She deserves to. To want that.

[A]

Deserve is the right word. That's the word I'm looking for. She doesn't think she deserves to be upset about this. So now she's, like, caught between a rock and a hard place.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She has this trip that didn't meet her expectations, but she doesn't even deserve. Think she deserves to have the expectations, like, because it's a first trip.

[B]

This is my issue with couples who say they never fight, because, again, and I use fight, the term loosely. I think fight can mean a conversation where you are pleased.

[A]

A disagreement. Yeah.

[B]

A tiff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you will. This is not. But I think a couple who says they never fight has a lot of these little things where they may be just, like, don't voice it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Or, like, kind of, like, are feeling a little, like, weird about things, but don't say anything because they don't want to rock the boat.

[A]

I'll give you an example. I just. I'm just texting with Emily now. I'll give you an example. And I would have handled it differently in another world. And again, I'm, you know, I'm giving myself to a relationship. So I'm not trying to. I'm comparing, but I'm not saying that someone who wouldn't do this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I've been the person who didn't do this. But today I have this, like, whole long, busy day. Like, and for the book, there's all these podcasts, all this pressure. And Emily's driving from Philly to Boston, and she was like, I could stop along the way in New York and spend time. We could do dinner, and then I could go drive at night. And I'm like. I'm like. And my stomach when I ate that, like, I want to see her all the time, right? But I also was like, I. I'm on this. I'm running on this track called book promotion.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think if I get off it, I'm not gonna feel great. And also. I'm also not gonna feel great about sending you off to drive into the night. Like, all of that sounds.

[B]

It sounds, like, good, right? Where someone could hear that and. And hear, don't come. I don't see you. And someone could hear.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

That doesn't mean that's what you're saying.

[A]

And that's not what I was saying. I just. And again, it does feel like I'm. I'm saying don't come, but my feelings don't match. Don't come. It. My feelings are I love you and don't want. And want to see you always, but also, don't come.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So. And so this morning we had this conversation. It wasn't a bad conversation, but I. I was just, like, feeling off about it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So this morning, I text her, literally those words. I was like, I told you, don't come, but I don't want you to think that I felt that way. I. And I kind of have to trust that she believes what I'm saying, but I'm letting her know. I don't think I would have said that in another relationship. I don't think I would have let it be and then let it, like, seep inside of me. And I'd get angry about it. I would get annoyed at them, and

[B]

maybe she would get annoyed about it.

[A]

Right. Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he bring it up? It was a little weird that he didn't want me to come.

[B]

Right. And I think that's a couple that doesn't fight, but it doesn't mean that, like, that that makes a strong relationship.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I am calling us a fight.

[A]

Well, I would have had the fight with myself. You know, I would. I would have had the fight with myself.

[B]

Which is what she's doing.

[A]

Which is what she's doing. Right, Right. And. And then ended the fight with myself by saying, well, she's annoyed with me, and now I'm annoyed with her for not understanding that I have this very particular moment going on that of course I would want to see her, but I can't. She can't handle it. Now I'm giving answers for her that aren't even there.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. And, like, I think what she needs to do is just communicate this. Like, I think, again, I hate to bring up this example because I do it all the time. But I talk about like the cards. With Mike, it's not his first instinct to being writing loving, doting cards. And then the first time that he got me a card, I was irritated because I didn't tell him that right now. I tell him that. Have you what I want?

[A]

Have you ever gone on a trip with someone you dated with the. Basically in a way, testing the relationship.

[B]

Not with a trip, but other things.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Other things. I think, like, you know, what are you gonna do for my birthday? Or you know, how are you gonna act at this wedding? Whatever.

[A]

Like the one, the one thing I'll kind of, you know, I was thinking about this because what you're saying is correct. Like the expectations weren't met and she's having an argument with herself of a certain kind of. I do think first trip to bring it back to like first trips. I do remember there was one time that I went on a first trip with someone that I was deciding whether what was going to be next.

[B]

And I remember not a girlfriend.

[A]

Not a girlfriend. But like, you know, we were distance and we were like. And I was like, I'm going on the road to this place. How about you meet? And we worked out a scenario where she could get a hotel, I got a hotel, and we could like kind of have this weekend of dates while I was on the road.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We had a nice time. You know, again, I'm not with them today, so. But I remember getting away from that trip and being like. And kind of like sitting with how it felt in my tummy a little bit. And I was like, I don't know if I. That trip pushed me to the next

[B]

level because there was something tangible that was missing or they didn't do or did do or. Because you just didn't. You like weren't feeling the person as a whole as a match for you.

[A]

It felt like a not match. Like, it felt like we were friends but not family. Was kind of what I walked away with where I was like, I learned a lot about them. I enjoyed their company. We did the. But it wasn't like I was like. And I was trying to like really come to terms with like, what am I looking for? What do I want? And I just didn't have that, like we're forever. And I.

[B]

From this trip.

[A]

Yeah. Because I got this like really like high density date, you know, that we wouldn't have.

[B]

No, I do think a trip is like a lot of days long trip date.

[A]

Right. And. And. And a little. I would say It's a form, you know, why I felt that way is a combination of many things. Our connection, me giving myself to it, all these things. So, like, I do think she does have the right to take this trip and go, is this how I want to feel with someone I'm on a trip with?

[B]

Right. Well, I think the thing that, that makes me feel that way about her email is like the, I think, I think like the scar, stargazing, like the romantic activities. If she's talking about the intimacy level, like the emotional intimacy level in general.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think that's a different thing than.

[A]

And she does mention that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, you're sitting at meals looking at your phone and not feeling connected. I could sit at the meal and be on my phone and feel connected to someone.

[B]

I would, I would like, separate those two things. If, like, he didn't plan sunset dinner, stargazing, waking up to see the sun, sunrise. All that is. You could have said, you could have reiterated an expectation for. It's harder to, to iterate an expectation for intimacy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I want to have deep conversations is hard to, harder to plan than. I want to go scargazing.

[A]

Right. I mean, she even says sex every day. That could be confused as intimacy.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, sex every day. Like, I don't know, did I? I've had sex every day on a trip and then been like, get me out of this room. Like, I, I, I need a minute.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I've had sex every day and then like, I don't need a minute at all.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know? Yeah.

[B]

It's not the same thing.

[A]

Not the same.

[B]

Yeah. So I think that I would, I would separate those two things because I can also understand in terms of like, the actual activities. I could understand this guy being like, we're on this trip to Morocco and every day we have like, a different itinerary. We're waking up at 7am Like, I don't think we need another activity of like stargazing or whatever the it is.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Sunset dinners. I can understand why that wouldn't be someone's first thought. The fact that she wants it, that's totally fine, but she needs to verbalize it. I think the different question is the intimacy.

[A]

So what's your first question to this guy? What do you say to him? You're back from the trip, you're kind of feeling off about the trip?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you, what's your opening? I think, you know, to give, to give someone at home, like, this is the hard part. Like, we, we've hashed this out We. There's a problem. Yeah, she feels a little shitty. They went to Morocco. They did this amazing thing together. Yeah.

[B]

Like, here's my opening.

[A]

Yeah, here's your go.

[B]

Wow. That. I can't believe that. I can't believe the trip's over. Like, what did you think? Our first trip, what did you think?

[A]

It was a lot of fun. I, I got some great pictures on my phone. I did.

[B]

Got a lot of likes on my Instagram.

[A]

Yeah. A lot of likes on that picture that I posted of myself alone. Yeah, I, I love my T shirt that says. I mean, the T shirt I got that says I'm rocking in Morocco is really. People really love it. So I've gotten a lot of great comments on my rocking in Morocco shirt and otherwise. What did you think?

[B]

Well, what did you, what did you think about, like, just the way we were. Like, the way we, we travel together. Like, the, like, did you have any thoughts about how you wanted the trip to be? Like, what did you think about, like. I know the trip was great, objectively, but, like, what about, like, traveling with me?

[A]

It was fun. I mean, you were there.

[B]

You would not say this.

[A]

No, I would say. I, I, I would, I would go, what are you talking about?

[B]

Right.

[A]

I, if I didn't feel anything. So let's start. Let's, let's believe he's a zero. Like, on the empathy. On the, on the emotional intelligence scale, he went. He's zero. Let's, let's assume. Which he's not.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. I had fun. I got a great T shirt. I thought we were great. How did you feel?

[B]

I really liked traveling with you. I had a great time. I, I will say, though, one thing that's kind of bothering me, though, is like, I do feel like maybe there was. I thought the trip would have, like, a little bit more of an emotional intimacy. Like we would get to know each other maybe on a slightly deeper every night, though. I'm saying emotional intimacy.

[A]

I, I said you look hot. What are you talking about?

[B]

Well, like, that's what it would look like to me would be, like, you asking me questions, maybe more about, like, my childhood or, like, work or, like, my childhood.

[A]

We were in Morocco.

[B]

My hopes and dreams.

[A]

Your hopes and dreams? I was. I.

[B]

We're spending so much time together, you know, away from our jobs, away from, like, the.

[A]

I'm trying to look at the kangaroo. You got any? I gotta ask you about your childhood

[B]

and how first grade was at dinner. I would love to be.

[A]

I don't know what animals in Morocco

[B]

I would love to be asked. Well, I don't think men know necessarily that, like, we want to be asked more questions. Well, maybe you know that more than most as a podcast host.

[A]

Right? Well, I don't ask any questions on this show. I the.

[B]

I said that to Mike before.

[A]

Yeah. Ask more questions.

[B]

Like I said, I think, like, I think when I talk about my childhood or if I talk about something like, it would make me feel like you were more interested and engaged and we would get to a deeper level if you would ask like, like. And I. Well, I didn't say this. I think I've said, I feel like you should be more curious. And then he would say, like, what does that look like? And then I would say, you asking

[A]

me more questions as a defense to guys, we. And you know this about me. We don't like to ask about the past.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We don't like our own past.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That is not something we. Baby.

[B]

Something very foreign to me. Me.

[A]

Totally. And I think that's been a good reveal of this podcast. How uncomfortable it makes me feel to ask my parents about like, how they met. Like, I have.

[B]

That seems so crazy to me.

[A]

And my brother's the same way. Ruthie says that about my brother. She's like, I had to like, ask what country your family's from.

[B]

Right. I had to. Mike had. I had to ask Mike. He did not know what his grandparents names were.

[A]

Right. That's crazy. Well, I mean for this person and for anyone at home who's like, I didn't have the intimacy I wanted. Well, you're asking for something that a lot of men, me, Mike, Harry, aren't really are avoiding themselves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so. But, but I would say to give you feedback on this talk that we're hypothetically having for her, I would, I think asking. I didn't get the intimacy I wanted. I don't know how to help that. It's hard.

[B]

It's hard. Again, it's a little bit less. I think she needs harder to ask for.

[A]

I think she needs to say. And I know she's avoiding this. I have real deep feelings for you. And I thought, I felt that this trip would take those deep feelings and make them even deeper. And I'm feeling like we are where we were before we left. And I'm upset by that. I think that, like, at a minimum, like, that's a good. That's a good. I think that gets. Because it's I statements. I'm just like, when I'm hearing, like, I didn't get the intimacy I, I, what the am I supposed to do? That's like where I go, right? So if you're like thinking of, like, if I'm being used as the avatar for a boyfriend, I would respond to, I didn't get the intimacy I wanted. What, you thought I up a whole trip. You thought I was on this trip doing I. So I'm now finding out I was a big. Who only cared about myself on this trip. That's how I would feel right away.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But if you said I we, I was here. We are. We're here in my mind. And I thought we would get to here, and we didn't get there, I

[B]

would go, well, well, my question to you, if I'm. If you're me and I'm. You would be, well, how would you. How do you want to get there? It's a hard. It's like an intangible thing.

[A]

That's.

[B]

What does that look. What does that look like to you? What would it have looked like to you?

[A]

And I would say, I men, I love you. Right. I think men in general, we hate intangible. We want. Again, why don't men want to go to therapy? When does it end?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Never.

[B]

Well, this is intangible.

[A]

Totally. So this is a hard one. That's why it's so difficult. Because I read this email, I'm like, what's this guy gonna do? He is what he is, you know? But like, I do think if he knew that someone felt very deeply for him and then have that itch scratched.

[B]

That's why maybe she should say I love you.

[A]

That seems to be. That seems to be what she.

[B]

That's, that's, that's the, that's a very vulnerable.

[A]

That's the thing that, that's the prescription that we would give. Knowing that that's hard to do.

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

And she was hoping she wouldn't have to do it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I also think vulnerability begets both. Vulnerability.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

So, like, I think you have to be the change you want to see.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Right. So.

[A]

And I don't think this is. I don't think this relationship.

[B]

I get why she wouldn't want to do that day one of the trip. Because then if he doesn't say it back, it's like a long.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you might be discovering this guy isn't the most emotionally in touch with his feelings potentially. But like, there's only way for you to find out is for you to do it and then see how he reacts.

[A]

Right? Yeah. I mean, When I. I have a story for another day. But I, I. The whole I love you conversation and being on a trip, I did that. You know, we were. I was on a trip with Emily and I kind of wanted to get it out of me because I was, like, ready to say it, and it was like a. I had to take. That's not how I would tell the story.

[B]

Beautiful.

[A]

But it was like a huge dump that I, like, ran into a Dunkin Donuts. Having to take, like, get this out of me.

[B]

Right. Because you.

[A]

Because I was. I felt it needed.

[B]

That's what she should have done, though.

[A]

She's got to take a. All right, let's do an icky or picky.

[B]

Nothing like that for the first trip.

[A]

Icky or picky? You're dating someone or you went. You're gonna go on a date. You got the ick. Were you justified there? That's the question. Jared and Jordana need to know if I'm being icky or picky or. I guess it's if I'm to be the grammarian, if it's a valid ick or if I'm being picky.

[B]

Very fair.

[A]

Because you're not icky. You're a wonderful listener.

[B]

Being icky or I'm being picky, right?

[A]

That's right. Also, there's a guy at my gym that I see almost every day. We've never really talked much. Mostly just polite. High by an occasional small talk that's usually gym related. Recently, he came up to me and asked for my phone. Instead of asking for my number, he put his number into my phone and handed it back to me and said, text me. What is he, the Fonz?

[B]

Did they say anything before this?

[A]

Hey, give me your phone. Give me that phone now. For some reason, this immediately turned me off. I like when a guy makes the first move and follows through by texting first if he's interested. Something about him putting the ball entirely in my court. Felt low effort and lacking confidence. He would be very surprised to hear that. That's your feedback.

[B]

Give me your phone.

[A]

Yeah. That's not a first move.

[B]

Well, I. I kind of understand what she's saying, but. Finish the email.

[A]

I understand what she's saying as well, but. And it's funny, when I read it in my head, I was like, I get what she's saying. Reading it out loud. He walked over to you in the gym, said, give me your phone. Like, I don't think there's a more confident move in the book. Put his number into your phone.

[B]

Well, maybe a more confident move would be walking over to you and saying, can I have your number?

[A]

Yeah, I guess that's. But I guess that's a. I guess physically what he did is very confident

[B]

approaching anyone in public. Very confident.

[A]

Right. So my friends think I'm overthinking it and that he was probably just trying to be respectful and not pressure me. I. I disagree with your friends. Give me your phone. Is not really respectful.

[B]

I need to know, like, how this was actually.

[A]

But now I'm less interested than I was before. Icky or picky. I. I would be turned off just by the. The nerd of it all. Like, give me your phone. Like when it doesn't.

[B]

Finessing. Before that. I'm sure it wasn't like, walk over, can I have your phone? But like, no talk. I'm sure it was like, oh, like, we should, like, maybe we should do something. Give me.

[A]

No. Oh, man. Okay. Well, what. How. What's your weekend like, right? What? Maybe we should do something. Give me your phone. Let me, Let me.

[B]

Yeah, I think there's a smooth way to do this. My other thing is I also think context matters. Right. If this was. If this happened at a bar, I would be turned off equally. I think equally turned off by this. This is at a gym. She goes every day. He goes every day. He's trying to not be creepy and like, be like making you uncomfortable and making you feel like if you reject him then you can't come back to this gym. So he's putting it in your. I think he's like, showing you he's interested but putting the ball in your court, so to speak. So that if you are not interested, he won't be coming off as like guy who made you uncomfortable at the gym.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that's me maybe like not thinking about.

[A]

You're giving him. You are giving him tons of empathy. This idea that he thought that far ahead, I thought I. When I heard this, I was like, maybe he thought he looked cool.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like, hey, let me get your phone. I think he and like, I think that that's cool. I think that they would think it's smooth. Like the idea that like this girl at the gym that you have a high buy relationship with.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Hey, how you doing? Good. I'm good. What are you working on today? Buys and tries. Cool. Hey, what are you up to this weekend? Oh, I got some friends doing like a birthday party. Let me get your phone. If you want to. I would love, you know, would love to go out sometime. Can I Put my number in your phone. Shoot me a text if you ever want to make that happen. I think that's him thinking that's. I don't think he's.

[B]

I wish we could have seen the interaction.

[A]

Right. We'd watch it like two National Geographic reporters in the Serengeti. Just these two animals in the wild. I, I, I will say, I think if I. It's one of those funny things, like

[B]

if he's doing what I'm saying. I think that's very nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know if he's doing that. You're a man.

[A]

Maybe you would explain that way. But I think it's more. I think most things are more like. I think most things are more a result of the opening you're given. So we all go the path of least resistance.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's. And most men go the path of least resistance to so. And I think so.

[B]

Mine is the most generous take. What's the least generous take?

[A]

The one I just gave. Which is actually pretty nice too. Hey, nice to see you. What's going on? And then he saw that the conversation took it in a way where he could put his number in your phone.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he did that hoping that you'd text. The least generous take is he's trying to be the coolest guy on earth and he's like, hey, baby girl, give me your phone. You can text Johnny Hot Rod anytime you want. Like.

[B]

Or is the least generous take her assessment of the situation, which is that he's, like, trying not to put in any effort and see if this girl texts him and at late at night. And he can totally.

[A]

I would actually say that's the least likely scenarios.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That he put it in. Again, not that thoughtful. To think this is a way to make her feel safe. Right. On the both ends of the spectrum, there's. I took this approach because it made her feel safe. I don't believe that the other end is I took this approach so that I could not have to commit. Yeah. Right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think the answer's in the middle where it's cute, girl, I'd like to go out with. This is the. This is the way that presented itself. That was easiest to do.

[B]

Right. So she's. She's insulted by how easy it was for him to do this, I guess.

[A]

Well, it wasn't.

[B]

Can I have your. That he didn't ask for her number and make. And be the one to reach out.

[A]

Well. Right. And if I were him, if I heard my feedback to, like, he got. He's connecting with a stranger at the gym, which I do think is like the hardest, the most difficult of entryways.

[B]

Well, it's also just like, so you're one, it's one place where you see someone where you're going to see them all the time.

[A]

Right. He took a chance in a certain way.

[B]

It's risky.

[A]

The idea that he took no chances is crazy. I just think if my feedback, if I heard the feedback was like, I like a guy who makes an effort to this, I'd be like, you're being a pain in the ass. I think she's being picky. I, I, yeah. Because all she has to do and, and she can still, I would argue I can't tell her how to feel, but I would argue she would still feel pretty good about it if she texted him, hey, here's my number. It was great seeing you today. Just want to make sure you have it. And then he made a date.

[B]

Yeah, that would be fine.

[A]

Totally fine. You don't have to say, I don't get, I don't like when a guy doesn't approach me. He did approach.

[B]

You don't have to ask him out.

[A]

Right? You don't have to ask him out. You can say, I, I just want to make sure you have your number. Listen, if he texts back, so what's your plan this weekend? I might be out this Saturday. You should shoot me a text. It's okay to be turned off by that, right? It's okay to be turned off by anything. But I'm just saying, I would say right now she's in the land of picky and she's, it's a little bit dating. You're telling doing your dating blog for us. Like there's a point where it's like, let it fucking go. We're all going to have to do versions of things we said we would never do.

[B]

Right. And again, you don't even have to do that much. You can still make the ball in his court simply by telling, giving him, texting him your name.

[A]

Totally. You could have a version of what you always said you wanted.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You just right now you're not even letting that version play out.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Picky. Let's do another email. UUPP betches.com keep sending them in. I'm also on the road. If you're listening this far in. You must love this show. I'm going to be in Cleveland doing stand up West Hampton almost sold out.

[B]

Nice. Is there still a ticket for me?

[A]

You're good.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're Good twisters will have to be on your lap.

[B]

They're not. They're not coming.

[A]

All right, Miami Red Bank, New Jersey just got added. Foxwoods, Portland, Maine. I also just added another Long island show. Paramount coming back.

[B]

Oh, I should see you at the Paramount then.

[A]

Okay. I guess Jordana's putting it on.

[B]

I mean that's like.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's right down the street. Another weekend for me to stay at the.

[B]

Yeah, actually very close.

[A]

It's not. Well, I wouldn't get to use the pool. It's gonna be in October.

[B]

Okay. We can use the fire pit

[A]

in the solarium. Let's do another.

[B]

You are coming in October.

[A]

Yeah. To the Paramount. I think they just did pre order. I love that theory.

[B]

Well, I'm definitely. I'm definitely coming there by that point.

[A]

A special will be coming out, A book will be out. You know, maybe I'll be able to buy a house next door to Jordana. Maybe I'll be your neighbor by that point. You never know.

[B]

All right, let's do it. I will read our next email. J and J. Feather, Feather. And thanks for all that you do for us daters. I'm writing. I'm writing in about a relationship issue that may qualify as either a red flag or a loyalty rewards program gone too far.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and living together for almost three. He is a full time job he genuinely likes. But two years ago he picked up a part time job at a large home improvement store. Okay. He works at Home Depot. Somehow hard time.

[A]

This is. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Somehow the side gig has evolved into him working 35 to 40 hours a week there on top of his full time job. The issue isn't really financial. We don't share finances and we split housing costs. 50 50. But we live comfortably. He insists he works there because it makes him feel productive and gives him something to do. On the occasions when I'm busy with social plans, with friends, at the gym, running errands, etc. He says he'd rather work than just sit at home. But at this point it feels like our relationship gets whatever energy he still has after over 80 hour work weeks. We rarely eat dinner together, walk our dogs together, or spend meaningful time together at all. He isn't home enough to help me with things around the house and has started numerous home projects that he hasn't finished due to lack of time. When he is home, he's understandably exhausted and honestly kind of irritable when he has very noticeable mood shifts. He says it's because he's tired from work and gets frustrated that he has such little time. I have encouraged him many times to cut back on the second job and make time for literally anything else. I suggest that he should get an outlet for himself like working out, hobbies, friends, etc, but he gets defensive and says I'm being controlling and trying to dictate how he spends his time and he should be able to make decisions for himself. And this is where I'm stuck. Am I asking for a reasonable level of partnership from someone I live with, or am I unfairly asking him to change a lifestyle that genuinely works for him just because it doesn't work for me? Basically, how do you know when this person is just very hard working turns into this relationship structure is incompatible. Sincerely, a bet whose relationship could use some home improvement. Something smells off to me here.

[A]

It's so interesting you say that. I love this email.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think this email is where this podcast is going.

[B]

Yeah. Home Depot.

[A]

We're going to the Home Depot because I have thoughts because I. I think I. I kind of had read this and I had a thought that I was wondering if you would zone in on. Okay.

[B]

Do you agree that something seems off here?

[A]

There's something off. But I. I think that's like you're going in the direction I thought a lot of women would go.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That you feel that he's like, doing something behind her back.

[B]

That's one option I was thinking.

[A]

Okay, what else I would love to hear.

[B]

I think he's. I think that's one option. He's like, got something else going on on the side. Two, he's checked out of this relationship and trying to be around her as little as possible.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And three, he's. He's working extra hours for a ring that he wants to surprise you with and he just wants to make extra money but not tell you because he wants be a surprise.

[A]

I love women so much because it's either he loves me so much, he

[B]

loves me too much, or he loves me not at all.

[A]

Right. That. And it's unbelievable to me. I didn't even think of the ring idea. And it's a. You two that is in the.

[B]

You know, for a big present.

[A]

We always talk about, like the. The. The options of answers. That is not one I would have thought about. And it's a perfectly reasonable option because him getting irritable. I'm doing all this extra work so I can buy a ring for you and you're complaining. Yeah. Not. Okay. We have to acknowledge those are Two options that perfectly like straight line.

[B]

Three options.

[A]

It was cheating on you. Cheating.

[B]

Right. Try emotionally checked out and trying to be around you as little as possible.

[A]

Or cheating wants to break up with you or wants to be with you forever and is saving up for a ring.

[B]

Yes. And is the most romantic guy ever.

[A]

It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable how those are very three reasonable options to this. And I had a fourth option.

[B]

Let's hear it.

[A]

And I think it's interesting to me. I mean, I'm about to get really annoying. Okay, all right, let's. Can I get annoying for a second?

[B]

You're asking for permission, so let me add.

[A]

Thank you. I think in a time of AI and people's kind of like jobs not really being that fulfilling or giving a value. This guy, when I heard he was working at Home Depot, he probably, I, I do think he probably gains a lot of value where he gets to help people. He gets to like, get. You know, I'm saying of the options, sure. He picked up these extra hours to find a way to find purpose and value. And I think men don't get a lot of value out of. I'm a good boyfriend, father, husband. I think like that. I don't know if that tickles the value bone.

[B]

Well, that's why it's so lame to ask for alimony, right?

[A]

What do you need the money for? You didn't even care about this. But I'm saying, like, you know, again, if we're going to be. If I'm going to be the reasonable guy here. And I just was thinking, like, you know, when I was, when I, when I was said I on this podcast, I'm in a relationship, people were like, oh my God, we're so happy for you. I got annoyed by that. Like, I, I happy for me. I could have been in relationship anytime. I want off. Right. But it was women saying how happy they are for me and how. And I, it just didn't like, I, I don't like the feeling. I don't. It felt like pity. It felt like that you didn't think I could be in a relationship that I, that I was so. But I'm saying, like, if I'm having that feeling towards that there's a reason for it and that's bigger than me, you know? And I think for this, when I heard he's getting defensive and you're like, what about making friends or finding hobbies? This is something that gives him purpose in this world and makes him feel like people lean on him. And she Even said he, he's good at home stuff. He's has projects at homes he hasn't finished.

[B]

Well, that's my.

[A]

He's doing this instead. Like, I think he's. And I think when she says gives feedback to it, he's getting defensive because you're coming at the thing that gives him purpose in life. And I think it's worth acknowledging. I'm not saying she shouldn't have a problem with it. I'm just saying like, if you're looking to like figure out the riddle, this might be an answer to. The riddle is that this Home Depot job means a lot more to him and his self worth.

[B]

I mean it must. If he doesn't need the money.

[A]

She's saying that's has to. Right. And because it's Home Depot, it wasn't like it's a job where you work with your hand like Home Depot. You go in there and you ask people for help. You get help from people. There's people with knowledge. Like it's not googling, you know. So you do get to feel this. You get to puff out your chest a little bit. Yeah.

[B]

So I would understand that theory. That did sort of cross my mind. But she said he hasn't finished the home projects. And to me it's like if that's what's. If it's giving you a feeling of purpose to work with your hands, start at home.

[A]

Right. But I, I don't know if you get the same.

[B]

Because it's for other people.

[A]

Yeah, I think there's a lot of things for other people. Why do people post their engagement photos online? Why do you people. You know, I, I think there's other versions of that that people get outside validation and it feels different than the one they get inside. You know, I, I do think that exists. I, I'm just saying, like this is like one of those, you know, listen, Scott Galloway won't come on this show, so he won't even have a conversation with us about. But this is. I, I am a man, 41, right. Living on this earth, fearful of AI and fearful of the value I might lose. Like I want to feel valuable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I think that's something that most people want to feel. And I think the ways you feel valuable are important to acknowledge. And there are differences, you know, And I think so I'm saying if this woman wants to approach him with like, how do you, like, it's like, how do you approach this guy? I think understanding maybe he feels a lot of value from going to the. Because she seems to not understand why 40 hours. I don't understand. I wouldn't want to work at Home Depot 40 hours in addition to what I do here. But, like, I'm already fixing all these cabinets here in this office.

[B]

Totally. Yeah. I'm sure I haven't done. How's your new bed?

[A]

We need a new bed. Yeah,

[B]

yeah. If I. Here's the thing. Like, if that's the case, that's okay. Say that like, right? I would say to her, like, approach him. Not aggressively, not nagging.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Just be like, hey, help me understand. Help me understand, like, what. What you get from this job. Because, like, I'm just going to tell you what I see. Like, to me, it appears this is just from my appearance. It appears it feels like you're always very tired. And you're saying it's not, like, about the money. So, like, just help me understand. Help me understand what this is doing.

[A]

I actually.

[B]

Why we can't do, like, 20 hours a week instead of 40.

[A]

If she really wants to do him the favor, I think I would come to him with our four theories.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I would say I have four theories for why you are working so much at this Home Depot job. And I need you to pick one. Pick one?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I think that will help if you really want to hold his hand.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because if he's Home Depot guy, maybe I'm making an assumption, but maybe he's

[B]

not the most articulate about his feelings.

[A]

Right. So four options, and you go, you're cheating. Option one, you're trying to create separation between us so that you can break up with me. You're saving for a ring. This is your way of making money to get a ring. Because you love me so much and you want to spend the rest of your life with me. And you're going to stop working at Home Depot after you're done buying this ring.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You get an incredible amount of value personally that you can't replicate anywhere else on Earth that you have to go into this job for 40 hours a week in addition to your other job. Can you speak to any of these issues?

[B]

I mean, your one seems like the one that sounds the best, probably for him, even if it's not true, but

[A]

it might be the hardest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, I have no value anywhere else on earth but Home Depot. That's a hard thing to say.

[B]

Well, yes. Well, it's vulnerable, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I would say give him those options, but then don't ask questions you don't want the answer to because it might be option Two, right?

[A]

It might be option two. Well, I mean, she wants an answer

[B]

sometimes, like, do that when they want to break up with you.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

They'll just, like, try to stay away from you for as long as they can.

[A]

I've done it. Yeah.

[B]

Until she says, I can't take it anymore. Like, I'm basically living alone. And he's like, well, what do you want to do?

[A]

I've done it. I've done it. I've done that move, you know, separate enough that there's now a reason that wasn't.

[B]

Wouldn't that be so insulting? He gets. He got another job so that he's

[A]

just gonna break up, deal with you? Well, yeah. No. Beware of birthdays, holidays, vacations, and guy who decides to take up extra hours at work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those are all ways to separate or give signal to, oh, my God, we've gotten more serious. I need to end it. Let's play some games. Red flag or deal breaker? We are playing the game that's sweeping the country. If you're dating someone, one thing.

[B]

Ha.

[A]

You're. So the game is you're dating something, one thing happens. You either see it, ignore it, it's just a red flag, or you end it sight unseen.

[B]

Sight unseen.

[A]

Okay. J and J. Longtime listener. You guys are great. Let's get to it. My friend and I were at a bar. We were chatting with a nice girl and played matchmaker with a guy we had chatted to previously in the night. They hit it off. It seemed to be going well. We decided to go to a different bar for late night drinks and dancing. About 30 minutes into the second spot, the girl told us it wasn't going to work out with the guy we matched with because he decided to divulge that he enjoys wearing women's underwear. So red flag or deal breaker. The guy you've been hitting it off with all night decides to tell you he enjoys the feeling of lace underneath his jeans. Sincerely hope he finds his foot.

[B]

I think if you're not into this, it's not for you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You are into this. It is for you.

[A]

Can you imagine? You're like, oh, we met this nice girl in the bathroom. Oh, you're single. Oh, we talked to a guy earlier.

[B]

Yeah, it'd be great for you.

[A]

Oh, we think you'd love him. And then he's got this, like, different thing he does. It is funny the way they wrote this. It feels like they're trying to be appropriate, but they find his foot. Well, yeah, I hope he finds someone for his Weird underwear thing. Like, they're not as aggressive as they claim.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

If a woman told me she's like, I'm wearing granny panties with a little bit of doo doo in them while we were dancing on the dance floor, I'd be like, that's kind of hot.

[B]

You say that about everything.

[A]

I think any form of. I do. This little different thing strikes my curiosity and makes me excited. This should tell you about the male brain.

[B]

What if she was like, I'm wearing male boxers, and I love wearing male

[A]

boxers, and there's a little bit of duty in them.

[B]

Why does there have to be?

[A]

I don't know. I'm trying to make them even worse. I'm trying to find a way where someone might be like, there's no way I'm wearing male boxers. Yeah, cool.

[B]

Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

I'm game. I'm where I mean, I mean, this guy. To me, like, it's funny that a woman.

[B]

It's okay to be like, that's not for me. It's not?

[A]

No. There's a woman out there that hears guy and I like wearing women's underwear. And she's like, oh, my God, I have a little bit of kink to me. I found my person.

[B]

Yeah. I think there'd be people who are into it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

To me, if you're. Or deal breaker if you're not into it.

[A]

And to me, this is green flag. You are. He knows what he likes. He put it out there before they went home together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If anything, this guy is as good as it gets. He. He's open, honest, and letting you know the flag that he flies.

[B]

Yeah. This guy's not going to be taking up a secret Home Depot job to not say what he's feeling.

[A]

Green flag.

[B]

Green flag.

[A]

All right, let's do another.

[B]

Hi, jj, Longtime listener, first time emailer. I started listening back in 2018 and was at one of your first live shows in Philly.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I love you both. And thanks for making me giggle on a weekly basis.

[A]

You didn't laugh. One of my Kelly Clarkson.

[B]

Seriously, I'm writing in with a red flag or deal breaker. I don't think I've ever heard this explanation for being on a dating app on you up before, and I'm curious to hear your take in. I'm in my early 30s and moved across the country to the west Coast a few years ago, and I've luckily been able to make a lot of new friends since the move. One of my new friends. Let's call Her. Amy has been dating her boyfriend Tom for over a year. We are not super close, but I always enjoy being around her and we run in the same friend group. The last time I saw her, we were catching up and she told me they were discussing moving in together in the next few months and how she couldn't imagine her life without him. How does that even come into the conversation?

[A]

I. I mean, it sounds like doth protests.

[B]

We're moving in together. I can't imagine my life without him.

[A]

It sounds like what? Like the shitty person in Bridgerton would say.

[B]

Yes, like it sounds like braggy.

[A]

Oh, it's weird when unprompted. Oh, moving in with Tom.

[B]

Like, who said you needed to imagine your life without it?

[A]

Right. I can't imagine my life without him.

[B]

Fast forward.

[A]

I can't imagine being with anyone else in the entire world.

[B]

Yeah, but him. Fast forward to a month later. I'm swiping on hinge and who comes up? Tom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gotcha. Good.

[A]

This.

[B]

I immediately reached out to my best friend, who also knows Amy and Tom, to confirm they hadn't broken up.

[A]

What a fun call.

[B]

Let's be honest. To talk some.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good. This girl can't live without him.

[B]

Yeah. Little does she know.

[A]

Guess she'll have to.

[B]

She said no and that she was just with them both last week. I decided to let it slide because I didn't want to stir the pot. But then a week later, bam. Tom pops up on my hinge again

[A]

and she got active. Oh, he's active. And she's probably at that point she just felt the power running through her veins. Yeah, good. She's got one on

[B]

without him. We'll see. We'll find out. My guilty conscience decides to tell her because I would want to know if the roles were reversed. They were also planning to throw a large joint birthday party in a few weeks.

[A]

Oh, this is like that I was born.

[B]

I know.

[A]

This is amazing.

[B]

A joint birthday party. So I wanted to let her know before then. We had plans to meet up for coffee, but they fell through, so I gave her a call instead. She seemed understandably shocked and upset and asked if I had taken these screenshots.

[A]

My word.

[B]

I, of course, had sent them her way.

[A]

Do I have screenshots?

[B]

Screenshots? I've got.

[A]

I've got. I've sent them to everybody.

[B]

I've got screenshots and I've matched them with Instagram posts that he's put up. And I've, you know, I've looked at the Most recently active. I've done a full.

[A]

Which screenshots would you like?

[B]

The ones of me talk telling everyone that I found this before you.

[A]

The ones where I called you a.

[B]

I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, so I assumed she was confronting Tom about it. The next day she sends me the following message. Hi, I chatted with with Tom.

[A]

Oh, those multiple eyes just tell you everything about her.

[B]

Yeah, just chatted with Tom quite in depth. Sounds silly, but he lost photos on his phone and wanted to find one from his profile. He said he really didn't think that downloading the app to look at his profile would make it public. But he's not looking for anything or talking to anyone. He reaffirmed me quite a few times. I was honestly just a quick thought that he acted on and didn't think through that ended up making the situation look worse than it was. He also didn't realize there was a setting to pause the account. But genuinely, all just a misunderstanding from trying to find a photo. And I know that's the truth. I can tell.

[A]

Oh, my God. This woman is very insecure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, even to type out that text to someone who's like a tangential friend, like, she owes her no explanation.

[B]

She doesn't. But I also understand that, like, this is an embarrassing thing.

[A]

Yeah, it is embarrassing.

[B]

So she is, like, trying to, I think the more deviate her own embarrassment by, like. By like, going on about it.

[A]

Who would buy this text as, like, we're good. Yeah, no one on earth. It's so weird, right? Hey, I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her because obviously, I mean, but if you're the type of person who says, I can't imagine my life with anyone else annoying, you're really concerned with how people view you. And now you send this text. It's kind of like, proves that point.

[B]

I would agree with that. That's a good point. I didn't push the issue any further because we aren't super close, and I felt like I had done my due diligence in this situation, but this excuse seems fishy as hell to me.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

So jj, red flagger, deal breaker. He has hinge only to retrieve lost photos. Signed iCloud is only 99 cents a month.

[A]

It's funny because we started this email with, like, she kind of seemed like she stunk.

[B]

Yeah. Just to say, I can't imagine my life without them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And unless you're in the context of talking, explaining to someone why you can't break up with someone.

[A]

Right? Right. Not to say I'm moving in. I can't imagine my life without Is like a weird thing to say. And then you see the text back and you can tell she's insecure. And she might have even said that in the beginning because she was insecure. In the relationship, she's trying to convince herself everything's good. I can't imagine my life without him even. And she's probably saying that to herself because she's had other things come up. This ain't the first right time that something weird has happened with Tom. But now I feel bad for her because I can't even think of. Listen, you can be. You can have a profile that's still on a dating app. I think, like, I've had this happen to me.

[B]

Mike had that when we first.

[A]

It happened. Yeah.

[B]

He. Like. I think there's a thing where, like, I mean, not if I found out he was unhinged. Now that would be different. But, like, within the first year of our just dating, I think there a sense of, like, you can delete the app without deleting your profile, whatever it is. Like that part. This excuse is weird though, right?

[A]

There is not one item on the list of items that I would put together as to why I how I needed to find old pictures. This wouldn't be one of the ways for me.

[B]

Why would the picture only exist on your dating profile?

[A]

The only way I can explain this is when she said she moved to the West Coast. If they're in the San Francisco, Seattle area. We did always get the feedback that there were a lot of men, but they were a little weird.

[B]

The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

[A]

Right. And this feels like a very techie way to go about finding old pictures. This feels like a very engineering way to go about finding old pictures. And I am the opposite of that, so. But that's me giving way.

[B]

What do you need the picture for?

[A]

Right. To do what to do. Right. That's a great point.

[B]

A picture of you solo probably looking good. Right?

[A]

For who else? Other than you're moving in with someone.

[B]

Are you making a collage?

[A]

Right. That's the only explanation.

[B]

That would be my question. If I were gonna. I wouldn't. I exactly the same as her. I would leave it at that. Not my problem. You've done. You've done what you needed to do. It's in her hands. She believe whatever she wants to believe. If I were my boyfriend, I would say, like, what were you gonna do with the picture?

[A]

Right. What's the plan here. What did you need such a good picture. I can take a picture of you anytime that looks good. That's what I would say. I, I, this isn't a way to go find old pictures. I mean, like, I'm trying to think of, like, what would I do to find old pictures. I would go to my phone, I would search the picture app, I would ask a friend who I would go to a text I sent to a friend way back when, find the picture that way. This is like not even 1 through 10 on the list.

[B]

If I really needed the picture and I needed to re download the app to do the picture, I would, if I cared about the person I was dating, I would make sure that like, one, that you wouldn't be, people wouldn't be able to see the profile.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And two, if I didn't, if I wasn't sure if I could do that, I would tell the person that I was dating, hey, I redownload the app to find this picture that I was on. Just so you know, in case, like, I really, I can't figure out how to like, just get it without doing that.

[A]

This is the dog ate my homework.

[B]

Yeah, that's why I'm saying this guy's full of.

[A]

Yeah, this is a good.

[B]

If I, if I were him, I would say I never deleted the app or like, I deleted the app and I never actually, I, I didn't realize I never actually was able to un.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Well, I'm like deactivate the profile or

[A]

whatever it was as someone who needs pictures of themselves. Like, when I need pictures now I ask Emily.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So I, I, and I say to her, do you have any Download me

[B]

also, why wouldn't they be in your phone if you were putting them on the app?

[A]

But I'm just saying, like, I'm like, I'm trying to think of like what I would, what's the normal thing to do when I'm like, I'm here not trying to cheat and I'm not trying to be single, so, and I have needed pictures, which most men don't need.

[B]

I'm saying, what does he need? That's why that was my next question.

[A]

Right. Like, but like, if, if he's a touring comedian who has to put up a picture of himself with his dates for the next week on Fridays because engagements high on Fridays on his Instagram, he didn't need to. It's even then it's weird to download.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Right. Like, I'm giving you the most specific of reasons I Look for old pictures. And I go, emily, do you have a picture of me that you liked?

[B]

And also, because if you need an old picture and you had it to people to put on your profile, it should be in your phone.

[A]

Right? Beyond that. Yeah. Right.

[B]

So no one's using dating apps as a storage method.

[A]

Here's what you should do. No. Send this to your friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who you hate. Send this to your Bridgerton friend. Last one. J&J. Longtime listener. Thank you so much for your podcast as it has helped been so helpful for me as I nag the gate. Dating after a long marriage and difficult divorce. Well, welcome back. We're happy we could help. I la. I love listening to people's emails and stories. There's so I think we've had some great emails today, but we have not. Not to. I want to make sure the flowers are given.

[B]

Great job for writing the emails. Great job for picking the emails.

[A]

These are really good, thorough, specific. We want your emails, we want your specific problems. Again. Dating, relationships, single. We do it all here.

[B]

All of it.

[A]

Married. I love a married problem. Love it, love it. So this is a relationship podcast.

[B]

All ages, of all age.

[A]

I mean, we get them all, but I've never heard any from my age group. So here we go. So I thought I would write in. I am a 54 year old female in Los Angeles. I match with a 53 year old male on Bumble. Our first two dates were fine, cute, and there was some light kissing. Our third date, we went to an outdoor concert. Somehow ended up in the back seat of my car. Whoa.

[B]

Love it. Teens again. There was nothing more thrilling, I'm sure.

[A]

Do up, do up, do up. Doesn't. Doesn't it feel like it's like backseat of the car.

[B]

I think backseat of the car. You're in your 50s is like probably just like so awesome.

[A]

She's got to get chills, right? Yeah, the chemistry was off the charts. Our fourth date, he invited me over, made me dinner. Really good. We ended up having the most amazing sex all night long. It was. I feel like we're watching the new version of Sex in the City. It was epic and very needed as things are very slow over here in LA when you're a female in her 50s. A couple days later, we were hardcore sexting. And just as I was telling myself, girl, you still got it, the phone rang and it was him. And I thought, yay, phone sex. But actually the phone call was something like this.

[B]

All right, you be him, I'll be him.

[A]

Hey, sugar. Hey, you I was just calling to see if you were free this weekend. Sure.

[B]

I have some free time.

[A]

How about Friday afternoon?

[B]

As I'm picturing my. This is just her off the side, I'm picturing myself on a romantic beach date with a glass of chardonnay. I say, sure, that totally works.

[A]

Great. I'm actually getting a medical procedure.

[B]

Oh, shit. Are you all right?

[A]

Yes. It's actually that routine thing you get when you turn 50.

[B]

A colonoscopy?

[A]

Yes. I'm getting the procedure done Friday afternoon, and I'm not allowed to drive, so I was wondering if you could pick me up.

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

That's great. So, red flag or deal breaker? The hot guy you had hot sex with as you out on a fifth date to go pick him up from his colonoscopy procedure. Gross. Signed. I don't want to be a nurse or a purse. Almost. Golden batch. Thank you for listening. And if this question feels beyond your age of expertise, I'm happy to consult with Jared's mom.

[B]

I would love to know what your mom thinks of this.

[A]

I. I'll. I'll get. I'll call her. Maybe I'll get a voice. Should I call her right now?

[B]

Yeah, let's give her a call. See?

[A]

Let's see what happens. Okay.

[B]

You said she. Is she going to pick up in half a second.

[A]

That's how she usually.

[B]

How's it going?

[A]

So you're on the podcast right now.

[B]

You're back.

[A]

Jordana's here. You're on the podcast.

[B]

I'm getting my nails done.

[A]

Well, hold on. We. Then why did you pick. Oh, I have a question. Because a woman wrote in and she's in her 50s, she went on a date with a guy and she's having a great time. It's their fifth date. She said at the end of her email. I would love to hear your mom's opinion.

[B]

They've slept together.

[A]

They went on the date, they've had a great time, They've. Fifth date. He says, can you pick me up for my colonoscopy?

[B]

Well, he must feel very comfortable with her to do that.

[A]

I agree. Don't you know he has no other friends to call?

[B]

Loser. I don't even look at it like that.

[A]

No.

[B]

I must feel very comfortable with her.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How did she feel about it?

[A]

She felt off. She felt it was gross.

[B]

Okay, so then she.

[A]

He's not the one for her son. She doesn't like him that much. And she's.

[B]

You think if she liked him, it's

[A]

okay if he, like, if she liked him. She would do it.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

It doesn't matter what the appointment is, right?

[B]

If she's.

[A]

Whatever. I mean, a colonoscopy is a little bit, you know, a little odd, but I think a colonoscopy, she said gross, but I think people don't know what it is. If they're saying it's gross, you could be, you know, it's. It's more of a procedure than it is.

[B]

It's more of a procedure, and you can't. You know, if she was creeped out

[A]

by it or didn't feel comfortable doing it.

[B]

She doesn't like them that much. Well, they were. They were sending sexual messages before. Before he asked.

[A]

They were sexting before he asked. Does that matter at all?

[B]

Well, did she respond to all that?

[A]

She. She was liking the text, and then it was hoping the phone call would

[B]

go in that direction.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

If went in that direction, why does

[A]

it bother her to pick him up? Yeah, pick him up. He needs a ride. I like that.

[B]

Come on. Okay.

[A]

I'll call you after we're done. That's. Who's.

[B]

She says, I want to see those babies. They are so cute. Oh, thank you. Next time I'm in Florida, I'll come by with them. I love seeing you.

[A]

I'll give. I'll get some. I'll get some pictures she hasn't put online. I'll send them to you. Okay. All right. Bye. I'll tell you later. Bye.

[B]

Your mom is so sweet. She responds to all my pictures of the babies.

[A]

I mean, she's easy to get to. Obviously, she picks up in one ring.

[B]

I disagree a little bit because I think it's one thing if she offered. I think to be asking someone, it does feel like someone who is looking to be taken care of. It's a little early for that.

[A]

I would also. I agree with you, because he says, you know, that procedure you get at this age, it wasn't like they'd already talked about colonoscopies. It wasn't like they talked about, like, how hard it is to get older and have less people to call to bring you home from something.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, it didn't reference anything. Like, not to just feel a little

[B]

like she's being used a little bit.

[A]

And you go. And then you have to wonder, like, how much. How full is this guy's life? You know, does he have a friend in the world? You know?

[B]

And I would rather if. Because if I'm interested in someone, I'm not ask. I'm, like, trying to impress them. I think early on in the game,

[A]

I think that being a colonoscopy doesn't matter. I, I, I've had a colonoscopy. It's, it's not what you, it's not like they just, you know, up your ass, you know, tickling you from.

[B]

You have to take all your laxatives.

[A]

Right. It's like the, the prep is worse than the, than the actual.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think the actual, actual procedure matters. I do think that it, like, is about asking someone to do that a little too early.

[A]

Right. And, and how. Yeah.

[B]

Because but if she off, if she offered, if they were talking about it and she was like, oh, I'll, I'll get you, like, totally fine.

[A]

You want a little bit of shame? Even though you're at a certain age, like the, like you're asking, I think

[B]

asking to do any favor, like, would you come to my house and walk my dog? Like, I think that's like, like also, that's what I'm saying.

[A]

Like, right.

[B]

I think and especially like, in that context of like, I think I would feel weirder. The fact that we were sexting before and then he calls me and asks me for this, like, very non sexual favor.

[A]

Well, it's almost like he probably was texting her just to get to this favor.

[B]

Right. That's what it would feel like.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I prefer if it was out of the blue.

[A]

Right. Hey, I was just thinking, yeah, this is kind of a weird way to get there.

[B]

Right. And it's also like, I don't like, are you free? I don't, I hate, I hate that about people when they're asking you for a favor where they like set you up to be, to, to be an.

[A]

I'm totally free. I have nothing to do all day.

[B]

Great. I have a, like, she thinks she's getting asked to go. Like she said. She said, I think she's getting asked to go to the beach and have a glass of wine. And he's like, he can't even have

[A]

a glass of wine. Yeah.

[B]

That actually is almost like the biggest deal breaker for me is. I hate when people do that. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?

[A]

Absolutely nothing. What are you doing?

[B]

They wait for you to do that and then they ask you. The proper way to do, do something is to give someone an opportunity to lie.

[A]

Right?

[B]

To say, hey, that's pl, that's class. If he had, if he had even called her and he was like, aside from the, this is how he could get a ride. He calls Her. Aside from the text messages. Hi. I know it's kind of early and really weird and maybe a little bit, like, too much to be asking you this soon. I'm supposed to. I have a colonoscopy on Friday, and my. My daughter was supposed to drive me, and she suddenly, like, has all these plans, and she's not able to do it. I hate to ask you to. To do this. Would you mind dropping me off if you're free on Friday? And then she can say, I'm busy on Friday if she doesn't want to do it.

[A]

I'm with you. And then it's funny. I'm with you completely. And then I hear my mom just like. Like, yeah, I'll give you a ride. It, like the quickness with which my mom was like, yeah, I'll pick you up. Whatever.

[B]

Well, that's why old people get scammed.

[A]

Well, that's when they get scammed. That's right. But it's also. It's funny. It's like, the more you think about it, the more annoyed I get.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, everything you're saying, I'm. Now, I hate this guy. But if we didn't get into this at all, like, go pick him up. But also, that's why, like, if. It's what my parents do to me all the time. They're like, you can't just write back to every single person that asks you how to get to your show on the Tuesday.

[B]

They're not thinking about anything. Right, Right. Well, if you. Okay, let's say if it was. It was you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're talking to a woman. You're sexting.

[A]

She gives you a call.

[B]

Jared, what are you doing?

[A]

I'm texting her. I love those huge bazungas. Yeah, that's how I sex.

[B]

You free tomorrow?

[A]

Yeah, I'm totally free.

[B]

Would you. I. I have a call and ask, did you pick me up? I'm not allowed to drive.

[A]

Is that a new sexual maneuver? I. I would be annoyed.

[B]

I think it's like a little.

[A]

Felt like I was sad. Yeah. Little usury deal breaker. But fine with my mom. Yeah, we did it. We solved dating again.

[B]

We did it. We'll be back on Friday.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

Bye.