When Is Too Early To Reveal A Kink?

Summary

Episode Summary: U Up? — "When Is Too Early To Reveal A Kink?"

Podcast: U Up?
Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Release Date: December 3, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode of U Up?, Jordana and Jared dive deep into the nuances of early-dating conversations, boundaries, and the right moment to reveal intimate details—especially sexual kinks. The episode is peppered with their signature humor and candid takes on modern romance, including updates from their personal lives, discussions around "icks" and dealbreakers, and listener-submitted questions about awkward dating scenarios.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Modern Life and Adulting Mini-Rants

[01:00–14:00]

• Jared and Jordana open with an honest (and hilarious) catch-up about feeling adult, the pace of time, and moving into new apartments.
• Jared shares his feelings of being "enmeshed" with his mom as she decorates his new place ("I'm basically Trey's mom from Sex and the City," [10:16]).
• Jordana discusses the hidden benefits of pregnancy: "Everyone assumes you can't do anything, so if I show up doing the bare minimum, everyone's like, 'Thinks I'm amazing...'" ([17:33]).

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2. The Dating "Ick": Are Some Habits Dealbreakers?

[26:00–38:00]

• Listener email about a boyfriend who sends daily selfies sparks a lively debate.
• Jared admits men do care about how they look in selfies but try to mask it; "I want to look hot, but I don't want to look like I'm trying to look hot" ([27:49]).
• Jordana argues that context matters: "Any sexual selfie is kind of... the selfie has to have utility." ([29:27])
• Both agree that if something small (like selfies) becomes a turn-off, it might signal a deeper mismatch—"One woman's ick is another woman's husband" ([33:12]).

Notable Quote:

"Men don't do things that don't get them laid." — Jared ([33:40])

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3. Petty or Prudent? Revenge After Cheating

[38:00–46:00]

• Listener asks if it's petty or prudent for a woman’s brother to call her ex-husband's boss after he cheated.
• Jordana and Jared agree it's "really fucked up" to potentially affect someone's livelihood, especially when children are involved ([39:53]).
• Jared links the brother’s actions to a wider cultural trend of publicly seeking instant revenge rather than mature resolution ("There's a little bit of instant gratification of revenge that happens" [43:56]).
• This segues into a discussion on red flags and the consequences of having "no boundaries":
  "Now you're out there as a person who doesn't have a boundary of a line they won't cross, and that's a scary person to me." — Jordana ([44:49])

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4. When to Reveal Sensitive Topics or Kinks in Dating

[48:00–68:30]

• Multiple listener emails explore best practices for disclosing sensitive dating details:
  • Cologne Sensitivity: How to politely ask a new date not to wear fragrance.
  • Revealing a Kink Too Early: Screenshot exchange where a hinge match immediately discloses a "dom daddy" kink ([66:25]).
• Both hosts recommend honesty but stress timing & tone. Jordana suggests, "I'd rather know than not," but, Jared warns, "This is a misuse of the dating app" ([71:23]).
• They emphasize matching "pace of traffic" and not dropping sexual bombshells out of the blue (i.e., let things develop naturally).
• Advice: If you have a very strong sexual preference or lifestyle kink, consider platforms where this is the norm, like Field ([71:47]).

Notable Exchange:

"Things you need to know before we go out..."
"This will... might rock the boat enough." — Jared ([63:43])

• If someone's early sexual disclosure feels abrupt, it's likely not a match:
  "Dodged a bullet and saved your time... this is more about THEM than about YOU." — Jordana ([71:23])

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5. Boundaries, Assertiveness, & Communication Style

[74:03–87:10]

• Different approaches to communicating boundaries (e.g., "no hugs on first dates" [78:20]) can set the tone—sometimes leading to escalation.
• Jared and Jordana role-play texts showing how to frame boundaries warmly and self-deprecatingly to ease tension.
• They critique cases where competing boundaries escalate into unsexy or antagonistic interactions:
  "There's a lot of that in dating culture right now. This battle to show the other person how much of a pain in the ass they're being by being a bigger pain in the ass." — Jared ([81:58])

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6. Red Flag/Dealbreaker Lightning Round

[61:44–94:00]

• The episode features several "Red Flag or Dealbreaker?" scenarios, such as:
  • Excessively early kink reveals on apps (big red flag/dealbreaker).
  • A guy refusing to return his ex's passport, rationalizing it as, "She doesn't need it; it's not like she's going anywhere" ([90:06]).
  • Compulsive boundary-setting (e.g., sending "no hug" or "pay for yourself" texts 20 minutes pre-date).
• Both hosts agree that how someone handles boundaries, revenge, or conflict is often a giant tell about future compatibility.

Notable Quote:

"If you're petty with this, you're petty with everything. That's who you are." — Jared ([91:01])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "One woman's ick is another woman's husband." — Jared ([33:12])
• "There's a line I won't cross. But you're a vigilante justice person, and that's a scary person to me." — Jordana ([45:13])
• "I want to look hot, but I have to make sure I'm not looking like I'm trying to look hot." — Jared ([27:49])
• "Men don't do things that don't get them laid." — Jared ([33:40])
• "There's a lot of that in dating culture right now. This battle to show the other person how much of a pain in the ass they're being by being a bigger pain in the ass." — Jared ([81:58])
• "If you're petty with this, you're petty with everything." — Jared ([91:01])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Banter & Life Updates: [01:00–14:00]
• Selfies & The 'Ick': [26:00–38:00]
• Petty or Prudent (Revenge After Cheating): [38:00–46:00]
• Sensitive Dating Conversations (Cologne, Kinks): [48:00–68:30]
• Boundary Communications & Escalations: [74:03–87:10]
• Red Flag/Dealbreaker Rounds: [61:44–94:00]
• Refusing to Return an Ex's Passport: [90:06–94:00]

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Tone & Final Takeaways

• The episode is peppered with comedic banter, but the core insight is serious:
  Communication and timing are everything in modern dating.
  Being honest is good—but respecting pacing, context, and empathy is essential.
  The way someone navigates boundaries, revenge, or disclosures is a reliable indicator of compatibility.
• The quirks and icks of modern dating are universal, but sometimes a small red flag points to a larger incompatibility.
• If it "feels too early," it probably is; let intimacy for both kinks and sensitivity develop naturally—unless you're truly looking for a specific match, in which case, use the right app.

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For more unfiltered dating advice, check out @u.up.podcast on Instagram and follow along for future episodes!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Ready. Hey, how. How do I look on camera?

[A]

You look great.

[B]

I look great.

[A]

Yeah. Denim on denim on denim.

[B]

Denim. I've went with a jt.

[A]

No to jt.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Justin Timberlake. Canadian vibe.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How do you think that started? Canadian tuxedo. Like, did one guy from Canada wear that?

[A]

Maybe they've. Maybe there was like a trend in Canada.

[B]

Oh, maybe.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know anything about Canada as you know. Hello and welcome back to the U UP podcast.

[B]

I'm Jordana Abraham and I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordana. What's going on?

[A]

What is going on?

[B]

It's December.

[A]

Yes. Wow.

[B]

December this year flew.

[A]

I think so, right? Yeah.

[B]

I wish we had like a hedgehog. One of the groundhog's day. Yeah, Like I want like there to be like a this year flu, like monitor, like an agreement.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe it should be like you, like you coming out of your apartment and like, does Jared see his. Jared see his sweet and low.

[B]

Jordana found out I'm a sweet and low head.

[A]

Sweet low. You have some like old man tendencies.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I would say like the two ones I've seen that stand out to me are the sweet and low and the Citron vodka that you, I don't know if you still drink it, but you. Well, we would be in like, the green room.

[B]

Absolute citron. Well, I, I, yeah, it was absolute citron.

[A]

Citron. Citron. I have no idea.

[B]

Bananas. Bananas, yeah. Toronto. Toronto. Yeah. I, I, it's fun, funny. Well, this is on the same subject of, like, is it old man or is it old man to you? Like, is it a quick year? Is it a quick year for me?

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, I, it's also, they, they go.

[A]

Quicker as you, as you get older.

[B]

Well, it's also in dating, you know, like, do I like this person? Does everyone feel? Is this what everyone's feeling? You never know. Like, I, I've had that where I'm in relationships. I'm like, is this it? Is this what everyone's going nuts about? The happiest day? I love this person. Is this love or is this me? Do I not feel it enough? You know? I wish I could taste someone else's love. That'd be a good 80s band.

[A]

Maybe we should have like, like a, what's the, what's the thing with, like, the switch? Remember the Switch?

[B]

What's the Switch?

[A]

The movie. The Switch with Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds. And Jason, Jason Bateman is like a dad of like three, Right?

[B]

The Body. The classic body switch movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And Ryan Reynolds is like the single guy just, just kind of around.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then they switch bodies.

[B]

I would do, I, I guess if, if I was to get a genie's wish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let me do a week of me married with two kids as at this age. Like, let me feel that body.

[A]

I watch that movie. Yeah.

[B]

You would watch me do a body switch movie. I mean, I would because I was, I'm texting, I got a group chat, I got my, my high school group chat to my closest friends, and they've got both of them kids, suburbs, the whole deal. And they're texting me. It was yesterday while one buddy texted me about how he was at the ground or the 99, which is like a very local New England kind of like fast, casual ground. Round the ground, round the 99. These are all very similar. Applebee, it was friendlies. Friendlies. Applebee's.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

These are like new wing, you know, the, the, we have friendlies. And Applebee's in New York started in western Massachusetts. Friendlies. Okay.

[A]

So you can have it. Yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Don't get away from my friendlies, my fribbles. So I they were at. He said they were. He's with his three kids at the 99. And he was like, I had to pull them out. They were being animals. He's like, my kids were being animals. And none of the parents. The other parents were, you know, were doing anything about it. All the other parents were drinking beers and hanging out. And then my kids are being dicks to the rest of the restaurant. So I. I said, I yanked my kids out and put them in the car. And I said, we don't act like that. And I said. And I said, I started making fun of him. I was like, I hope you loudly yelled that while the other parents were having their beers to make them feel uncomfortable. Like, I was like. And it's such, like, I'm hearing about this world, and I'm so far away from it, you know? Like, I'm like, what is. And I'm like, where. What is that like, to, like, yell at your kids? I asked him that, right? And he's like, it's. It's. You feel stupid. Like, you're like, who am I? Like, you know, you have this right out of body, like, I'm the dad now. You know? Like, I know we were talking before about. You were saying, what's the latest eight? Right? The latest.

[A]

What's there? What's the latest? You feel like you would like to have kids?

[B]

And I've never really thought about it, but I have thought of, like, at 40 right now, what would have to happen for me to. Like, how quickly could it happen?

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, if I did, if I met the woman of my dreams today on.

[A]

My flight, I think you could have a kid in two years, right?

[B]

And two years. The. The kid, like, yeah, the kid would be here and everyone would go, that happens. But it wouldn't be, like, normal. There would be, like, a moment of, like, whoa, quick. I think I would say that's quick.

[A]

But, yeah, it wouldn't be normal, but it would. It would be quick, but it wouldn't be, like, in. It wouldn't be insanely quick. For.

[B]

This isn't like a teen. If you were 26, baby, type of.

[A]

That would be like, wow.

[B]

Right? Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And no, at 40, you go, oh, that's how it happens sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But even, like. Like, realistically meet the woman of my dreams, and then let's say it's three years from now, that's a more realistic.

[A]

That you meet the woman.

[B]

I meet a woman. We do a year of dating, we get married, we have a kid.

[A]

Yeah. Let's say how long would it take you if you met the right person? How long would you propose? In a year.

[B]

Within a year.

[A]

Okay, so you're. You're engaged in a year, you're married in two years. Depending on the age of your wife and probably her opinions on when she wants to have kids, maybe you have.

[B]

A kid in three years, she has an opinion on this. I don't know. Not the woman of my dreams. Three years more, no opinion. Not a lot of questioning me.

[A]

Three years more.

[B]

Three years is more realistic. But two years is. Could happen.

[A]

Could happen.

[B]

So it's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is weird to think of, like, that other world we're in.3, but it.

[A]

Also could be, like, married with a kid.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But.

[B]

But I'm saying, like, my friends who are married with kids. I also get annoyed when married with kids. People act like they have no relation to my world. They've lived my world.

[A]

Right. You've never lived there.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Don't act like it's the same back.

[A]

Oh, well, they've never lived your world at your age.

[B]

Fair. Fair.

[A]

Which is different.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I'm going back to Delray today. I got a new apartment.

[A]

I'm excited for you.

[B]

I'm very excited. It's beautiful.

[A]

I mean, I haven't seen it, but I've seen pictures.

[B]

Fully furnished, so I'm like, you're set. I'm walking right into a life.

[A]

Yeah. You set up your podcast room.

[B]

Get my podcast ready.

[A]

Internet. Who do you deal with that? Do you, like, call the Internet company and said, I can't see you doing that? Are you, like, on the phone with Verizon being like, I need to switch the Internet?

[B]

Yeah. I do things people do.

[A]

I can't imagine you do.

[B]

No. It's funny that you don't think of me as being that person to do that, but I, I, you know, you do that. Yeah, I guess. Well, I don't know when I have. I have to do that. I'm hope there is a piece of me that's going back to this apartment hoping to God that, like, there's just Internet there, that it comes with Internet. Yeah.

[A]

In. Which is in perpetuity.

[B]

Right. I don't know if it's part of my hoa.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because some people, you ever meet someone who's like, yeah, the cable and HOAs, like, it's all built in.

[A]

You're like, maybe to your rent, not to your. Like when you buy something I'm about.

[B]

To walk into horrific. I'm a lot of a brutal awakening.

[A]

You need an assistant?

[B]

I do need. I need assistance. Assistance, yes.

[A]

Someone to find you your sweet and low.

[B]

Yeah, so I'm a big sweet and low guy.

[A]

So you excited?

[B]

I'm really excited.

[A]

Are you going to get. Because it's furnished.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you going to give it some personal touches?

[B]

So this is a big thing, you know, if for the community that feels. I'm enmeshed with my family. This will not. This will not dissuade.

[A]

Can a man say it's okay to French kiss your mom without being accused of being enmeshed with his family? Kind of world do we live in?

[B]

My mom is being crazy with the new apartment, so she's decorating.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're Trey McDougall.

[B]

Who's Trey McDougal from Sex in the City?

[A]

Well, Charlotte moves into the apartment, and it's like, all. It's like his mom decorated it and it's all plaid.

[B]

It's funny you mentioned this, because last night I was at the Comedy Cellar, and Liz, the gm, who's a good friend of mine, and I said to her, she goes, what are you gonna do with the place? I was like, well, my mom, like, wants to. Like it, keeps saying that her friend who's a decorator is gonna do the whole thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And she was like. She gave a very similar facial response that you just gave this, like, eye roll of, like, your mom.

[A]

I mean, I wouldn't tell a date you brought back there that, what if she loves it? You claim it as you as your own.

[B]

Well, I do. These shoes people have. I get a lot of nice comments about these shoes. And then I'm like, well, my mommy.

[A]

Bought them for me. Yeah, well, you say you have a deck. I mean, technically, your mom's now your decorator. You just say, I have a decorator.

[B]

Right. That's a better way to put it.

[A]

Then, you know, if they pry.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. And, like, here's why women are so lucky to. If you're a straight woman, like, if you find me, I'm pretty much good with anything.

[A]

Is that true, though? Or will, like. Will I be in a battle with your mom over the decor?

[B]

Yes. She's not good with anything. Well, but I'm good with it.

[A]

That's the. That's the Charlotte Bunny. Bunny McDougal. Tip off. Where. I mean, she's. I remember when they get engaged, and then, like, the mom drafts the prenup for her, and then she's basically negotiating with the mom.

[B]

That's the episode. I mean, that's a real life thing. Like. Yeah, no, I, I'm definitely gonna decorate. I'm gonna do some purse. I mean I have all these posters and, and framed things like, you know the, the cue card from when I did the Tonight Show. Yeah, like that'll go on that. I have like a lot of office stuff.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I would say. I don't know if I have a lot of like main room, you know, like living room stuff.

[A]

Do you think you'll be like hanging out in the.

[B]

That's my goal is to be more of a hangout in the apartment guy. Like I even asked. I was at the, as I mentioned, I was at the Cellar. I'm with like, you know, a star studded cast of people. Last night at midnight at the Comedy Cellar. We were doing the show. It was like Lisa Traeger. I think she's been on this show.

[A]

But I think so. Yeah.

[B]

Lisa's a good friend and Des Bishop is there, right. Hilarious comic. And Michael Che, you know, he was there. We're all talking and I was like, I was like, what's a show? You guys wish. And the reason I asked the question, I go, what's the show you wish you'd never watch so you could watch it again? Do you have that show?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's that? Is it Sex in the City?

[A]

No.

[B]

I mean, you still watch it all the time, but like you have your mind erased. You can watch a show. Fresh eyes, first time. What's your. Because I. And the reason I'm asking this question, I'm like, I'm kind of looking for things to do watch.

[A]

Have you seen the Sopranos?

[B]

Che said the Sopranos?

[A]

Che was like the classic.

[B]

He said. And I'm like, it's a lot of episodes.

[A]

Every episode's really good.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I think that's the one I got the show ever made maybe, and I've never watched it. You gotta watch it, right? And I was like, you gotta pay attention though.

[A]

You can't be on your phone during that.

[B]

Well, that was, that's, that's kind of why I'm looking for a show. I'd like to get off my phone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Some people, their resolution is to work out. Mine is to sit on the couch and watch tv. So, yeah, so I was thinking about that for the new place. I was like, I need like a show that I can like sit in. The new place.

[A]

I think you should get it.

[B]

I think Sopranos would be the one.

[A]

Yeah. I'm excited for you. I think when you have. If you Build it. They will come. When you have this place that, like, you're proud of, that's your spot. With. With the ceiling that's fully intact, you're gonna be like a whole new man.

[B]

Yeah. I'm excited. I'll invite you to the.

[A]

The housewarming party.

[B]

Housewarming party.

[A]

I'll fly in.

[B]

I would love that.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, probably sounds like an invite to your house. That's an open invitation, Mike, and you guys can come anytime you'd like. Ronnie. Not sure.

[A]

What.

[B]

What's the dog considering? Considering all I've heard about Ronnie.

[A]

Listen, he's. We've got.

[B]

He's getting better.

[A]

We've got the diarrhea under control.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's fully trained.

[B]

I can't have you ruining my mom's new carpet.

[A]

I know. Ronnie won't be invited. He might. He's very into humping, so. He might.

[B]

Is he.

[A]

He'll do it, you know, anywhere, though.

[B]

We have a lot in common, dude. We still have a lot.

[A]

So he's still not invited.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I can't have two is in the house. That's a lot of humping.

[A]

I got a lot of territory to fight over.

[B]

Right. What else is going on?

[A]

What?

[B]

Any other baby gifts that have been insulting?

[A]

Not.

[B]

It was on my mind a little bit. I felt bad.

[A]

No, don't feel bad. I think it was again. I once. Once it settled in, I decided it was funny.

[B]

Okay, good. So the way you are, that's how I want every joke. Yes. I want every joke to start insulting, then get funny.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'm. I'm ex. Yeah. I'm excited. I'm. We're hosting Christmas this year.

[B]

You're hosting Christmas?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wouldn't you. Doesn't this feel like the year not to host Christmas?

[A]

No, I think it feels like the. The. The year that you would have, like, the least going on compared to future years.

[B]

Well, I guess you're having a. You're having a good pregnancy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That we've discussed. Like, you feel.

[A]

Well, knock on wood, Right?

[B]

Knock on wood. But I'm saying, like, as like the puking and the sick is concerned.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's not been something you've been dealing with.

[A]

No, physically, it's. I feel pretty good. Mentally is more of a challenge, but physically it's. It's all good.

[B]

So I guess, like, that's my thing is, like, you know, you're hosting Christmas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You'd be like, what's a. Well, don't make the pregnant woman do anything. This is like Give up your seat on the train. Like, if I'm being.

[A]

If I'm being honest, Mike and his mom are hosting Christmas at my house.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She's like, mike, I'll call you to discuss the menu.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And I'm. I'm kind of just going to be, like, living there, like, yeah. I'll, like, help spruce things up, like decor or whatever, blah, blah, blah.

[B]

But you'll be the executive producer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do this. You'll sit with a pointy finger. Yeah. That's like, God, that's how I run the.

[A]

Don't let the people who love it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, let them.

[B]

Yeah. That's your gift to them.

[A]

Yes. I mean, I think it'll be less stressful to do it this year than, like, next year.

[B]

Absolutely. Also, when you have it at your home, you can kind of control the whole narrative. Like, you can control when people get there, when they leave, you know, like.

[A]

Well, I mean, it's weird to give a time to leave, right?

[B]

Are you gonna get like. No, I don't think that is.

[A]

You think, like.

[B]

I think you could, like, whisper that to Mike, and then he has to be the one that says it. I. If I were you, hey, let's get a time. You and Mike decide on a time that you're, like, looking to get people out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Beforehand, you have to have a company policy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's usually, like, within a half hour of that.

[A]

Well, I have to say, the benefit of having this very physic. And again, I'm. I. My third. I'm in my third trimester starting today.

[B]

So ring the bell.

[A]

Third trimester today. So it could get. I've heard it's good. It does get uncomfortable, so it could be worse. I'll caveat with that. But. But I will say, up until now, the benefit of having a physically. Well, pregnancy is that everyone assumes you can't do anything.

[B]

Yes. I would walk on tip, tippy toes around you.

[A]

Right. Which is great because I can do everything, but no one expects me to do anything. So if I show up doing the bare minimum, everyone's like, thinks I'm amazing, but I can opt out of anything I don't want to do.

[B]

Look at this powerful woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of that.

[A]

Hero Mike gets a lot of that. Just kind of like, it's almost like when I just don't feel like doing something, I'll pull the card.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's great.

[B]

As you should. Yeah, that's what I would do.

[A]

So pull the card.

[B]

I would be like, oh, she's pregnant. We're. We're feeling it.

[A]

Oh, you would pull it on. On your on.

[B]

I would try my best. Well, I think a lot of parents, I think, like, that's the part of the reason to have a kid.

[A]

Right. We're sorry we're late. Kids.

[B]

Kids can't get a sitter.

[A]

Yeah. You have really no excuse to be late.

[B]

I have no excuse for anything in my life.

[A]

You have the comedy. Comedy is your comedy. Is your child.

[B]

Is my child. Right.

[A]

I had a show. It came up.

[B]

Okay. You know, I've canceled on many a woman.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Show at the show.

[A]

Sick. Yeah.

[B]

This joke.

[A]

All right. Should we.

[B]

Well, let's start the show, I think before we get started. I'm in Columbus, Ohio, and Royal Oak, Michigan, this week. Then I'm coming to San Diego and Orlando now. Philly, Boston, New York, all the big boys, the Northeast. Those shows are coming. Your people, my people, Northeast. Pieces of. Yeah, so I do that run. Yeah. There's a lot going on. Jared Free dot com. Assemble the group chat. Boston, the first one sold out already. This is like, sitting here in December. It's already sold out. So if you want to come to the later show, I'd love to get that to three shows. That's like, my New Year's wish. Baltimore, three shows, one night. Tampa, Atlanta, Charleston, Dallas, Houston, New York, Toronto, Vancouver, Seattle, Tempe. No. If I can get to a third. If I get two sellouts, then the third show will be added on another day, which I would love in Boston.

[A]

Are you ever. Is it always more and more? More is more? Or is there any point where you're like, I don't really feel like doing another show.

[B]

Yes, there's a, There is a point. If you can't. Here's what happens. You sell out a show and you feel so good. Like, you're like, we're gonna have a awesome show. It's all done. I don't have to go here, you know, you think I want to come on this podcast and talk about my show dates? I would a little bit, but I, I mean, it's all because I have to.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, I, I. And I want. And I understand, like, when someone listens or watches, they're like, okay, I've heard about these, but I have to, like, I mean, keep doing it.

[A]

That's how advertising works. Right?

[B]

I have to keep doing it to make sure that, like, the people who haven't heard it and, like, the, the, the beauty of having the show sell out is you get there. Nothing to Worry about we're gonna have an amazing time. I know that will be great. And then you add that second show. They're like, do you want to add another show? I think we could. You know, we got some time. And you go straight to zero. You go straight back to, hey, guys. Hey, guys, we got tickets available. And you feel like a loser again, right? You go from, like, the win, like, it's like senior year, freshman year of college, like, right away, highest to the.

[A]

Lowest on the totem pole.

[B]

Right. So the add a second is, like, a huge deal, especially financially when it comes to these theaters. I mean, I'll. I'll be honest. I, I.

[A]

You're already there.

[B]

I'm already there. So you. Well, it's also, when you do theaters, I have to do the cost. You know, when we did theaters for you up, we have to do the cost of, like, union fees and stage fees. There's a lot of fees that go in that, if you do a club, are taken care of by the club. So when you do the theater, like, I have to pay that out of, like, whatever the ticket price is. So when you add a second show, that that cost stays the same and now gets cut in half.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, like, so. Because you're already there.

[A]

Right. That makes sense.

[B]

So that's a huge deal.

[A]

Two to one is a huge deal, right?

[B]

Three is amazing. But you want to get to that fourth, Right. It's like, never ends. So there are times when they're like, do you want to add a second? I'm like, no. I. I'm like, rather just be in a good mood. Right? I'd rather. Yeah, I'd rather like my life for two seconds.

[A]

I feel that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And listen, we're on YouTube. Go watch all our YouTube exclusives. We do you up for more. We're doing such fun things there.

[A]

We're having a great time on YouTube.

[B]

And if I can give a little plug, I've just talked about myself to no ends, but do you mind if I talk about myself?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

V, who's here producing this show, also produces my YouTube. We're doing behind the scenes from the road.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So if you want to see, like, me going to, like, restaurants in Chicago and Milwaukee and Minneapolis, if you want to see, like, I did Amanda Hirsch, not skinny, not fat. I did her live show. You have, like, all this behind the scenes that you don't really see, like, what the thought process that goes behind, like, what's it like to be a guest on a podcast show?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I'M talking about like my insecurities and the fun of it. And you kind of see what goes on. People asking for tickets. I get a lot of Jordanas in my phone.

[A]

I haven't asked you for tickets in a while.

[B]

It's been a bit.

[A]

Because you haven't been to New York.

[B]

Well now. Right. So it's a lot of fun. So my YouTube, if you're already a YouTube person, go subscribe to mine as well. Would love to have you.

[A]

You know that rush you get when you find something cute and it's on sale? That's the thrill of the deal. And Rakuten takes it to another level. I am a huge Rakuten user. I have the little widgets installed on my phone, on my computer and to me it's like a no brainer. Like why wouldn't you. Everything I buy, I check Rakuten to see is there a percent that they're giving back on anything that I'm, I'm.

[B]

Using it because of you. It is honestly so easy, so wonderful. And it's like when you start using it, you think of all the days.

[A]

That you didn't use it right and.

[B]

You get mad at yourself.

[A]

Yeah, there's no reason not to use it.

[B]

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[A]

And that is how you live a fiscally responsible life.

[B]

So make sure you don't miss the highest cashback rates of the year with the best holiday sales. And keep an eye out for Racken Weekly Big Deal reveals where one great store offers high cash back for one day only. Membership is free and it's super easy to sign up.

[A]

Download the free Rakuten app or go to racket.com to start saving today. That's R A K u t n rakuten.com Join today for a new member welcome bonus after minimum qualifying purchases, terms and conditions apply. This show is sponsored by Better Help. The holidays are all about traditions. Maybe you have a bunch that you look forward to every year, or maybe you're starting a few new ones of your own. Incorporating therapy into your newer existing traditions can help ensure that you take the time for yourself during what can be a very joyful but sometimes hectic and lonely time of year. I Love Therapy. I'm so glad I have my therapist during the holidays this year because there's a lot of family chaos, there's a lot of stuff to unpack, there's a lot of seemingly exciting moments, but also a lot of stressful moments. And it's really important to take care of ourselves during the holidays so that we can like, show up, be the best version of ourselves, and really enjoy our friends and family during this special time of year. You should definitely try Better Help online therapy in December. It's a good way to close the year with clarity rather than chaos. With over 30, 000 fully licensed therapists, Better Help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, and if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored ra. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10 off their first [e-mail] UUP that's BetterHelp H E L P.com UUP what are we talking? All right, let's get into it. I'll read our first email please. Hey badges. A subscriber here. I'm more of the listen and observe type, but I'm finally feeling compelled enough to email.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm dating a new guy. We were friends years ago in college and have been dating for about a month. Things are going great and I really like him, but something keeps throwing me off the ick. If you will. Selfies. In my humble opinion, there are very few reasons for a man to ever take a selfie to send to grandma. New beard cut approval maybe, but no grandma.

[B]

Hey nanny. Hey Nana. Feeling sexy today? What are you doing?

[A]

Selfie. Yeah, look at these abs. He likes to send me selfies almost daily of what he's doing. Think tucked in bed at night after a sweaty gym sesh. Simply smiling because he's having a good day. Regardless if I am a total for feeling this way, I need your help on how to make it stop. Mainly because I really like him and I don't want to be turned off by something so trivial. How do you politely ask a man to stop sending you selfies? Xoxo Anti Selfie Girl I love this email.

[B]

It is about the topic of the ick which we've talked about here, but it is funny this idea of a selfie like the I don't believe that anyone doesn't Know what they're doing when they're doing it. Like, I don't think people just operate in a vacuum. And I will say this for me, A selfie taker, a selfie poster, a selfie texter. A selfie texter.

[A]

Okay, this is you.

[B]

This is me. I like to think. But we all like to think we're doing it the right way.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Whereas I do. When I send a selfie or I take one, I do want to look hot. But. And I don't think a lot of men will admit to this. I want to look hot, but I have to make sure I'm not looking like I'm trying to look hot.

[A]

That's kind of. I think that's the universal. I mean, there's obviously female selfies where you're trying to look hot. Sure.

[B]

But I think women are allowed to say they're trying to look hot.

[A]

Sure. But I do think it's a. It's a cooler look to not to pretend like you just happened to look hot.

[B]

Sure. It's the fine line of selfies. Like, that is. And, well, I'm. I guess I'm admitting for myself, because I post a selfie and all I think about is what a group chat that would send this around behind my back would say, what would.

[A]

How would they take it apart?

[B]

Right.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I will be like, no, that's too much.

[A]

Do you look at your facial expression?

[B]

That's facial expression. How I'm standing. Does it really look like me? Or am I just putting up a glorified version of me, a filter? I don't do as much filters, because I'll talk about. I. I am like, a connoisseur. I'm a Somalier of men trying to look hot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, I. Because that's something men don't like. You know, guy dresses up as a pirate with eyeliner for Halloween. That's a guy who's doing Halloween. But this was an opportunity for him to, like, show off and look hot.

[A]

Okay, well, let me ask. I guess, are there certain selfies you wouldn't. And let's talk about. I think there's a difference between selfies you're putting on Instagram.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And selfies you're texting to a woman. Right.

[B]

Well, the one you're sending to a woman, like, have you received one from a guy that you're like, boy, he's really putting it on here? Like, Yeah.

[A]

I think any sexual selfie is, like, kind of the selfie has, I think, from a guy for me to not have an icky feeling. It has to like, be. To show me something.

[B]

It has to be like, you utilitarian. What's the word I'm looking for? It has to have used.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Utility. Utility.

[A]

Okay. So like, you know, if it was like, here's me and like, your friend that I ran into.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or different story, you know, here's me here. I got a new jacket. Here's me in the new jacket. Like, I'm sure.

[B]

Okay. Okay, so. So let's see it. Let's go through the options. I just. At a store getting this jacket. What do you think?

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

Yeah, that's. Okay.

[A]

Great. Love it.

[B]

Went and got a haircut. What do you think?

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Okay. But doesn't matter what face he's making, even on the haircut. Like, if he's going like.

[A]

I think the funnier, I think the like, the less. Again, the less he looks like he's trying.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Better the more he's like, Right. Having fun with it instead of like, posing too much.

[B]

Good morning, babe. With a selfie from bed where he's like, little sleepy eyed.

[A]

I could handle like one of those a month, right? Maybe I wouldn't want that every day or every week. I think that would be like, a lot for me personally.

[B]

No, I, I think it would be a lot for me as well, but I, I'm less prone to the ick on I. I. Men don't get the ick.

[A]

Right. Well, you're kind of like, if she looks good, she looks good, right? Does it matter how she looks in the selfie?

[B]

No.

[A]

Even if she looks like.

[B]

Bring it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She. If I'm dating her, she never looks like to me.

[A]

Oh, that's so sweet.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

That might be the nicest thing you've ever.

[B]

You can find me Jared Freed on Instagram for all of your cameo needs this holiday season. No, but I, I mean, I mean that in a way less nice way. Like, okay, guys are talking to you because they don't want to you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So there again, like, you're sending me a selfie. That means you want to me. This is great, right? Like, they. To me the way a guy receives a selfie. Like, guys, you know, on the conversation of the ick. Like, and I talked about this in the stand up special. But it's like the idea that, like, I will always want to you if I'm talking to you, you know, but.

[A]

It'S like, that's not the case for.

[B]

Right. I know this isn't the case. Because I'm speaking for myself and I get her.

[A]

Her dilemma here.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I already. I kind of knew him already. I kind of like felt like he was already normal. And now he's sending me these signals of like the image that I had built up from him. Because she says they knew each other in college.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Is now kind of like I'm getting the real. I'm getting a sense of who he actually is.

[B]

Right. And. And she's probably thinking, and as most icks go, he checks all these other boxes. It's this one thing that he's poking at me with.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's drying me up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if I just got rid of that one thing, maybe all the rest would be amazing and we could be together. I tend to believe when you're getting that one thing from something enough to want to end it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You were kind of on the edge anyways.

[A]

And you're kind of getting a sense of their. The full picture of who they are. And it might not be. And you're getting a sense of it might not be a match.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If it's enough to do that.

[B]

Because the only way it's an ick to me is if it could be another woman's husband.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

One woman's ick is another woman's husband.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's the only way the ick works. When someone says to me, oh, my ick is rude to wait staff. No, that's not an ick. That's a turn off. That is someone you don't like.

[A]

Right. And that wouldn't be endearing to anyone.

[B]

Right. No one would.

[A]

Even if someone wouldn't care or notice as much as another. Another person. No one's like, that's what I'm looking for.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And guy who sends selfie to another woman, she likes it. That's why he does it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's worked for him. Men don't do things that don't get them laid. So now generally he gets laid via these selfies. But now that you guys are zoned in as a one on one thing, he's not realizing this is getting in the way of his to keep sending these selfies. So.

[A]

So what would you say?

[B]

If I were her, I would say this is tough. You got to really tough to say it. It's tough to say it. But like, hey, the selfies, not my thing. When would you say that after getting one. Rip the band aid off. You were.

[A]

How would you feel getting that?

[B]

I would. It would sting.

[A]

But would you be like Fuck this woman.

[B]

Well, if I didn't really care about her, if I was doing it to many people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would move on to the women.

[A]

Who like it or haven't said anything.

[B]

Right, right. But if I'm sitting there, you know, if. If I'm, like, into this and I want to make it work, I tone it down. Right. I got tona. I. Yeah. Cut back on my habit.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think that's, like, kind of like, word to the wise here, like.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I guess you'd probably rather that than you continue sending them to someone.

[B]

Right? I don't want to embarrass myself, especially to someone I really like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I like them.

[A]

All right. So, I mean, at this point, I think she has no reason not to say something.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The cell, she's already kind of a little out because of them. So, like, worst case, he's like, all right, well, like, you can a guy.

[B]

Come back from a neck.

[A]

Yes. I think he could just stop doing it.

[B]

Well, let's say he stops doing it, but then you guys fall in love and he comes back and starts doing it again.

[A]

I would bring it up again.

[B]

You would be out forever.

[A]

I just bring it up again.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think I might be like, if I. If he stopped doing it and then he did it later, I think there'd probably be a higher threshold for.

[B]

Right.

[A]

For the ick in that scenario. But I would still. But at that point, I'd be even more comfortable where I could say, stop doing that.

[B]

Does the ick from the selfie come from a place of, like, stop trying to sell me on you? Like, where does it come from? Is it that he's doing something womanly? As a lot of these icks have become, A lot of these X are like, men being feminine. And. And that's kind of the great reveal. All these, you know, people who don't care about, you know, anything liberal women being, like, stop being such a girl is really what it sounds like.

[A]

I think it depends on which one, but I think that's. That's. That's probably. That's probably true for many of them, but for this one, yeah.

[B]

Is it a little smarmy? Smarmy? Swarmy? Smarmy? Is it a little.

[A]

I guess, but I don't. I think snake oil salesman part of it. The. The femininity of it. But I also think, like, I wouldn't even want. I wouldn't want that from my friend to con to be, like, sending me excessive selfies. I think it's A little, like, eager. It feels a little like there's, like, a cheesy, like, the good morning, I'm having a great day smiley thing is, like, just not really my vibe.

[B]

Right. So maybe that's part of the text.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, I really appreciate that you're sending me these pictures, but they're really feeling cheesy for my end.

[A]

I think better to say, like, cut back rather than, like, give individual critiques. No.

[B]

Right. I don't know. A loser pictures.

[A]

I mean, I think you could do that. And then if he. If you continue to get them or you get this. This. Because I also think if you're someone who sends those or would send those with, like, in a consistent basis, you are kind of a little bit fundamentally different than someone who would never send them. So that'll show up in other ways, which you also might be turned off by. So you might just, like, not be a match.

[B]

Well, this is why men are very lucky that we don't like, check boxes then. And then say, oh, then let me see if these boxes help me to want to them, you know, like, that's kind of what she's done, you know, so. But that's okay. Listen, I only send selfies to my mom to make sure my outfit looks good.

[A]

If you send her, good morning, having a great day.

[B]

Good morning. What do you think? Does this go?

[A]

Yeah, I think any selfie with, like, a purpose. You. I've gotten selfies from you with, like, look at my new hat.

[B]

Yeah, whatever. Jordana, that was supposed to be between us.

[A]

Like, you know what I mean?

[B]

Listen, I'm a selfie sender, but I'm not a morning morning boo.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's where it becomes, like, a little, little eager.

[B]

Yeah, let's do another email.

[A]

All right, let's do it.

[B]

UUP betches.com keep sending your emails. We love your emails. The more. The more normal your problem is, the better. I tend to think, like, the more like, whatever you're dealing with, dating wise, relationship wise, marriage, fiance dating, first date, anything you com petty or prudent. You ready? This is a great game where you end it with someone and then you do something. Were you being petty or is it prudent? You needed to do it? J and J, my married friend will call him. Cody cheated on his wife. She found out he owned up to it and it hasn't been pretty. They have two kids under five together. Not long after finding out, she filed for divorce and they separated. She, of course, and all the power to her told her family about Cody's infidelity, AKA the reason why they were getting a divorce. I want to know if what happened next is petty or prudent.

[A]

Let's find out.

[B]

A third person in the story. Her brother called Cody's place of work multiple times over the span of several weeks, told them about his infidelity, and essentially tried to convince them that Cody was a bad person and therefore a bad employee. Side note, Cody worked in fundraising for a non profit.

[A]

Poor Cody.

[B]

Look at this is so petty that you've forced a woman to take the cheaters out.

[A]

There's something wrong with me.

[B]

He was laid off a couple months later. I know layoffs have been happening everywhere, but I have to wonder if his ex brother in law played a part in making Cody look bad to his employer. In making Cody look bad to his employer petty or prudent. The ex brother in law was right to call Cody's employer to complain. Innocent bystander. P S. Love you guys. Big fan. So what do we think?

[A]

I think this is really up actually.

[B]

Of the.

[A]

Of the brother in law. Of the ex brother in law.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think it would be like messed up either way. But because like his sister and this guy have kids together. I think it's even more messed up. It's like you're doing this to the father of your. Of your niece and nephews. Of your niece and nephews.

[B]

Right. You're hurting the niece and nephew.

[A]

Yes. And he now doesn't have a job. Who do you think that hurts?

[B]

Right.

[A]

His kids.

[B]

The, you know, you can always say, well, they did it a couple months later in layoffs. I kind of think you get rid of the problem first. You get rid of the person who's liability. Yeah. You get rid of the person who's ex brother in law is causing drama at your office before you get rid of the person that like, like if it's apples to apples.

[A]

Yeah. Or even just getting rid of the.

[B]

Person who's like making life around here hard for no reason.

[A]

Yes. And I'm saying even if he didn't get fired, it was just like a bad look for him. Again, that's like someone who's like supposed to be supporting and like paying for your Right. Family members. So I think the kids thing adds like another. The fact that they have kids together. I think it would still be petty if they just like. If it was like his. This guy cheated on his sister, that would still be petty. But I think this is like this crosses an extra Line especially as like someone with divorced parents who kind of like might do some kind of like this.

[B]

You, you grew up in something like this.

[A]

I grew up with parents who didn't mind, kind of like didn't think of us when they like tried to hurt the other.

[B]

Right. And honestly think of the kids is usually said by people who don't really care. They're just trying to win their argument. You're the kids. You're saying it did affect you?

[A]

Yes, I'm the kids. It definitely did affect you. And it just also puts you in like a weird position. I don't think the mom did anything wrong telling her family what happened. That's totally fine. But I think this like we're trying to like get revenge on each other for someone who's like still going to be in your life or your or each other's lives for this whole time just feels like you're not think you're only thinking about yourself or you're only thinking about your own feelings of like wanting to feel like you've even score.

[B]

Right. And not to make this like a social commentary, but this does reflect this idea of like going on tick tock and doing the story time.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And because this brother in law is like, oh, we are victim. They are the perpetrator. Perpetrator, whatever. The, the online world seems to think it's okay whenever victim does anything. Like whenever it's punching up, it doesn't matter, you're punching up. But I disagree with that. Like this is kind of how you would handle power in general. Ultimate power, ultimate corruption. So what do you do when you have power? So when the victim, who this woman is a victim, when the brother in law I don't think is as much a victim, but I guess like there's something in it brother to the victim that he's basically doing this on the premise of we've been wronged and even the score. Right. But then who's the arbiter of what's even. You know, when's it enough Was was you calling right? There's no right.

[A]

Well now you're in a war. Yeah.

[B]

Right. And so I think that just generally socially is annoying to me, but I wouldn't be. Would it be a petty if he just did a tick tock?

[A]

I think it would still be petty, but not as petty. Not as petty. Again, I think, I think if you, I think anything you do in this realm with kids is petty. If there's no kids and you did a tick tock again, I still think it's petty because it's kind of like someone, someone who's an is going to get theirs. You don't need to be the one to. I mean we say this about ghosters. It's like they're gonna like you yelling at them is not gonna like right the wrong.

[B]

Right. There's a little bit of instant gratification of revenge that kind of happens.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like I need people to be suffering right away within view of.

[A]

Within view which seems immature.

[B]

It's petty. It's. Listen, and the fact that he works at a non profit, like I can even hear the dumbest person I've ever heard from saying, well he's a cheater. He can't work for a non profit. He's a bad guy. It's like there's a lot of bad people working at your non profits that you gave money to. Right? Sorry to inform you.

[A]

Yeah. And I mean he's not the bad thing he did doesn't have to do with the non profit.

[B]

Right. And there's people who work at non.

[A]

Profits for non profit for women who've been cheated then maybe, well even then.

[B]

Right? Yeah, he's still helping the cause.

[A]

I mean here's, here's the thing. I think when you do this that makes it so petty is like now you know, now you're out there as a person who doesn't have a boundary of a line they won't cross.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's a scary person to me.

[B]

You're talking about the brother in law like well yeah.

[A]

Or the end sister. If she gave her blessing, it becomes.

[B]

A fun red flag deal breaker. Red flag deal breaker. You're dating someone who says they did this, says they did this for their cheated on sister.

[A]

No, I think I'd be out because I'm like now I know like when you feel wronged there's no like I'm not gonna do that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like there's, there's a line I won't cross.

[B]

You're a vigilante justice person.

[A]

Right. And then like who's to say how our relationship turns out?

[B]

Right?

[A]

Well you might be. I mean again, even if I didn't cheat me, if you felt I wronged.

[B]

You, if you felt you were in the driver's seat as perceived victim.

[A]

Right.

[B]

There's no telling your power whatever way you want. Right.

[A]

And I think that's the scary thing about again, someone who, why someone might not want to date someone who makes tick tocks about people they're dating.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Why someone might not want to date someone who crosses these lines. It's like, I don't want to because that's. That's that you're saying. That's who I am. That's how I deal with these things. And that could be how I deal with you.

[B]

I'll say this. If I dated her after being cheated on and I heard this story about her brother, I would be weird about her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd be like, I don't want to be around a family that does this.

[A]

Right. Why didn't you stop? Did you. Did you co sign this?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And even if you didn't, who's to say whether I act right or wrong in this relationship?

[A]

Right. Based on Dangerous family members.

[B]

Yeah. King Brother Foreign.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by built. It's almost 2026 and you're still paying rent without Built. We can't have that. Built is the loyalty program for renters that rewards you for your biggest monthly expense. Rent. With Built, every rent payment earns you points that can be used towards flights, hotels, lift rides, Amazon.com purchases, and so much more. And when you pay rent through Built, you unlock access to exclusive benefits from a network of more than 45,000 merchants. Just link your credit cards, spend at your favorite local spots, earn Build points on top of your regular card rewards, and get one step closer to that trip you wanted to take. Personally, I'd redeem my points for some Amazon purchases because literally I cannot stop buying stuff there and this would really help me out. Build Points have been ranked the most valuable point currency by the points guy. And they just announced Build Cash, a way to unlock even more value from builds partners. It's simple. Paying rent is better with Built Earn rewards. And finally, get something back for being a renter. Join the loyalty program for renters at join built.com/UUP. That's Jo I N B I L T.com/UUP. Make sure you use our URL so they know we sent you. Black Friday Savings are here at the.

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[A]

Dear J and J. Longtime listener and subscriber. Love everything you do. I need advice on how to bring up a sensitive topic early in dating. I am sensitive to fragrances.

[B]

Usually someone said, I'm sensitive to fragrances.

[A]

Is that sensitive topic?

[B]

Oh, I don't even know a scent.

[A]

Sensitive.

[B]

I guess it's literally sensitive.

[A]

Yes, it's literally sensitive. But I wouldn't be like, oh, my God.

[B]

I get you heard.

[A]

She's like, sensitive to trigger warning people.

[B]

Who are sensitive to smells. I mean, I. I don't know if I should. We had a teacher that said she was sensitive to smells.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I'll never forget it. I. I was in, like, this class and it was in high school. She's like, I'm sensitive. Smells. And she was like, a little bit. You know, everyone has teachers that are a little bit out there.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And wacky. She was a little wacky. And I'll never forget it. Like, some. We knew the smell thing because she made a huge deal about, like, men wearing cologne. Whatever. And then one of the students came in and before class and, like, had a bottle of cologne poured in the radiator.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And was like, this will be a fun joke on the teacher. She came in, was like, someone sprayed something, immediately came in, left within a half a minute.

[A]

And she's probably got an allergy or something.

[B]

Didn't see her for three months.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

She, like, went full, like, union. I'm out. That's kid got suspended.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Like, it did smell it. Like, I mean, that is straight out to the room.

[A]

That is a messed up thing to do. Knowing that the teacher has said that she, like, who knows what her reaction.

[B]

Right? And like, no one bought it. That's the problem.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because we were all like, wacky teacher. Sure. You can't handle cologne.

[A]

Right. I mean, it does sound like something where you're just like, you smelly kids better put on deodorant or something.

[B]

Well, this was. You smelly kids need to stop putting on deodorant. Because it's like, you know, but we. This was like. And I felt it. It sucked.

[A]

Where is she now, the teacher?

[B]

I mean, I'm 40. She might be dead. She was an older teacher.

[A]

Oh, yeah. She might be dead.

[B]

I mean, it was. This was like, my teacher. I hope she's well, yeah.

[A]

Poor teacher. I mean, people. It's funny when you look back because you're like. I think as kids, you don't think of teachers as like, human beings with, like, real lives.

[B]

Oh, my God. Especially substitute teachers seeing the teacher out of school, it's like walking on a escalator that's broken. You're like, this doesn't feel right.

[A]

Right. And now you look back and you're like, oh. Teachers were, like, people with, like, who, like, dated and had.

[B]

I mean, whenever I meet a young teacher, even though I won't date them, they. They are, like, in the world getting drunk. Can you imagine knowing your teacher was hungover? That's gonna be so difficult, too. When you hear about, like, these teachers that get too close with the students, it's like, you really need to hide that. Especially if you're a high school student teacher.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you can't be like, yeah, I was hammered last night. Got real. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[A]

Like, you can't say you're hungover.

[B]

You can't say that.

[A]

No.

[B]

Because then the kids, like, they're too close. Like, you have to really talk about it.

[A]

Yeah. When I remember in seventh grade, one of, like, one of the kids in our class, one of our classes found our. Our teachers, like, dating profile on. This is back when you had, like, a website.

[B]

That's. That's. I feel for that.

[A]

I know now I'm looking back, and I'm like, oh, my God. What? Like, how horrible for that person.

[B]

But. But in high school, like, that's screenshot immediately.

[A]

I mean, thankfully, screenshots didn't exist then. It was like, 2003.

[B]

But when all these teachers are like, I have to be private because I'm a teacher. I get it. Like, I'm not totally. Like, sometimes the feedback is. I'm always talking about, like, having a open account.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that people can see, like, who they're. If you want to slide into the dms. But. And then they're like, well, I'm a teacher. I can't. I'm like, okay, that's fine. But, like, maybe DM slides not for you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, you have to keep in contact.

[A]

Try a different method.

[B]

Right. There's just. I. They're just. You have to try and see it from the other side when you do that. Like, so that's. I. I think the plight of a teacher, dating, it's tough. Like, tougher than they get credit for.

[A]

Yeah. No, I think that's. That's an issue with, like, a lot of jobs.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Doctors probably don't want to see that, I guess.

[B]

Doctors. The.

[A]

I guess, like, you don't see doctors every day. Right.

[B]

And here's the thing about a teacher. You're on stage the whole day. You walk in, the kids bell rings. The bell ring. You gotta act right every day.

[A]

You gotta be someone that they think of a certain way as.

[B]

As this human doesn't leave these walls.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, but I do associate smelling issue with difficult person.

[A]

Okay, all that. All that being said, right? Sure.

[B]

But maybe that's because I think of this teacher who was like, we just didn't buy it.

[A]

But then it must be real.

[B]

It definitely is real. I mean, she did have to, like, take time off.

[A]

Yeah, it ruined her entire life, I don't think.

[B]

I hope not.

[A]

All right, so usually this isn't an issue on the. On a first date because I'm not sitting that close to the guy. So if he's wearing cologne, it won't bother me that much. However, if I'm on a second or third date and I want to be more intimate and kiss, etc, and he's wearing cologne, it often makes me feel nauseous and becomes a serious mood killer. I've looked into medical fixes, but there isn't a practical one other than just avoiding the fragrance. My current approach to this issue is not to mention it before the first date, because some guys don't wear cologne anyway. But if I'm planning to go on a second date and I notice he wore cologne, I send this text.

[B]

Okay, so here's the text. You ready?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, go for it.

[A]

Hey, smiley face. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Before I forget, I just wanted to mention that I have a fragrance sensitivity. So if you wouldn't mind not wearing cologne tomorrow, I'd appreciate it. Don't want anything interfering with our night. Winky face.

[B]

Ooh, ooh.

[A]

Suggestive. The response I get to this text is usually, sure, no problem. I'm not sure if I'm scaring guys away, though, and if there's a better way to explain this issue without offending them. I recently had a guy react by telling me that he loved cologne too much and couldn't date me if it meant he could never wear cologne. Not sure if he's the red flag or me. Send help. A sense and Sensitivity batch.

[B]

Okay. I love this email.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Let me give her some feedback.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Or let me make her feel better. I hope you're not going to scare anyone away who wants to get to know you.

[A]

Yes, the guy who. The guy who said he loves his cologne more than anything. Wasn't that interested in you.

[B]

He was looking for an out.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And this was easy for him, and he could just say that, and that's it.

[A]

If you had. If you had scheduled a second date, but you, like, didn't really want to go, but you, like, kind of did in the moment, and then you did it, and then it was coming up, and then someone sent you that text, might you be like, I'm sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I love cologne.

[B]

You're not the bad guy. She gave you the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The wiggle room.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think we're a match.

[B]

Hey, I. I just am really attached to my Jean Paul Gaultier.

[A]

Don't you have some fake one? Some fake.

[B]

I have a fake. Thanks a lot, Jordan.

[A]

You said it on this show.

[B]

I did say it. I. I'm wearing it today. It's the tobacco vanilla.

[A]

Tom Ford.

[B]

Tom Ford, I think. And it's a dupe.

[A]

Tom Forte as they put on Amazon.

[B]

Tommy Ford. Yes, you. Yeah, it's. I love it. I don't know. Can you smell it?

[A]

I can't smell it from here, but I'm a little congested.

[B]

You just go on Amazon and you literally. If you want dupes, you just type in the name of the one you want and dupe, and it'll pop up.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. So there you go. I've. It actually got me more into the cologne game because of that. Like, I started buying a bunch of them just to have different flavors of Jared.

[A]

Yeah. I like a good cologne.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You can know if there could be, like, an overdone cologne, but I think a good.

[B]

Well, we've talked about this a little bit before. I think the pen version is better than the spray version when it comes to, like, a man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For a woman to spray. I get it.

[A]

You also don't want to overdo the spray, though, too, because then you could.

[B]

Right. Some women, I've smelled them, and I'm like, this did help me. This did bring me in, like. Yeah. I feel like.

[A]

Have you ever been turned off by scent?

[B]

No. No, not really. I've never really had a scent where I've gone.

[A]

What if she came in smelling like your grandma?

[B]

Like, if they wore the same scent, I don't know if I would associate it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, would I notice it.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, it would have to be like, I bring her home to my family. My mom goes, same scent. And then I'm like, okay, I didn't need that.

[A]

Identical scent. Twins.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, okay, we're gonna have to change this up. So. Yeah.

[A]

How would you. Yeah. What would you think if you got this text before a second date.

[B]

Let me just say to her, her text is really good and won't scare away anyone that really wants to date her. I do think her text could be improved upon.

[A]

I kind of agree. Let's hear what you. What you're.

[B]

I kind of liked what you zoned in on. I had the same feeling. I don't want anything to interfere with her. It's so weird. Her text goes from one extreme to the other. It starts as, hey, smiley face. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Before I forget, I just want to mention that I have a fragrance sensitivity. Like that Fragrance sensitivity. That phrase, difficult person.

[A]

Okay. How would you.

[B]

So if you wouldn't mind not wearing cologne tomorrow, I'd appreciate it. That to me that sentence fragrance. From fragrance sensitivity to. I'd appreciate it. I'm like, this rules woman ain't gonna be a lot of fun.

[A]

How would you rephrase this then?

[B]

Well, before I rephrase it, don't want anything to fear with our night winky face.

[A]

That is like.

[B]

I'm like, where did this.

[A]

We're gonna have sex, right? All right. Yeah.

[B]

I was like, did two different people write this?

[A]

Especially with the, the winky face, I think makes it sexual.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If she got rid of the winky face, I think it would be okay.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

Because it's adding something nice on. It's like about. It's not about you. It's about just like the night.

[B]

Right. And. But this was like an emotional roller coaster.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm, I'm not getting blown. Whoa. She my ass. You know, like.

[A]

Well, I think that she, she's trying to soften. Like, she's trying to not come off as uptight.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then she comes off as not uptight enough.

[B]

Right. We. Right. We need the. This, we need to like, smush this text together to make a medium text more neutral.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what do you think she should write? Cuz I, I, I. I'm with you. It needs to be changed.

[A]

Right. I like, okay. I would get rid of the winky face. I don't mind the don't want anything interfer.

[B]

I don't mind that I like the.

[A]

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow again. It makes it like, pleasant. I'm trying to think before I. Wow, you don't like the term fragrance sensitivity. Before I Before sensitive to smells.

[B]

Before I forget. I'm just horrible with colognes and smells and it's been a thing for really my whole life. And if you do tend to wear a cologne, I just want to kind of get in front of it, to let you know that I don't want to feel up, you know, queasy. And it's not your cologne. Like, some way of saying cologne does this to me always. It's not your cologne. It's all colognes.

[A]

Could she say, like, allergy? Would that. Even if that's, like, not fully true, I like that.

[B]

You know that. That's a good solve when, like, when I don't like a food, I just say I'm allergic to it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So that. No more questions.

[A]

You don't have to get into it. Or, like, she could get into it on the date and it wouldn't be.

[B]

Well, if she gets on the day and she's, like, not acting allergic while he's wearing kind of ruins the lie.

[A]

Well, I'm saying, like, she could, like, tell more of the truth on the date, right?

[B]

Well, I don't even think she has to. I think you could say, hey, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Before I forget, I have a. I. I have a slight allergy to smells.

[A]

To strong smells.

[B]

To strong smells. Just, if you wear a cologne, if you don't mind not wearing cologne, I'd really appreciate it.

[A]

Yes. I don't want anything interfering with our night, period. No winky.

[B]

Yeah, no winky.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

If you don't mind, I'd really appreciate you not wearing cologne. I wouldn't want anything interfering with our night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Period.

[A]

Toast the holidays in a new way and raise a glass of rumchata. A delicious creamy blend of horchata with rum. Enjoy it over ice or in your coffee. Rumchata. Your holiday cocktails just got sweeter. Tap or click the banner for more. Drink responsibly. Caribbean rum with real dairy cream. Natural and artificial flavors. Alcohol 13.75% by volume. 27.5 proof. Copyright 2025, Agave Loco Brands, Pojoaquee, Wisconsin. All rights reserved. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move.

[B]

Being financially savvy.

[A]

Smart move.

[B]

Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a.

[A]

Competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling.

[B]

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Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[B]

All right, let's play some games. You ready?

[A]

Let's do it.

[B]

UUPetches.com, we love your red flag deal breakers. You're Dating. One thing happens. You want to know is it a red flag or is it a deal breaker? Here we go. Longtime listener. Love you up Somehow. My favorite podcast to get ready for bed too. Something about Jared yelling while I do my skincare. Must be the Jewess in me.

[A]

Jewess.

[B]

Jess.

[A]

Jess.

[B]

I think Jewess.

[A]

Jes.

[B]

Jes. Jes. You're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think Jess anyways had a recent hinge interaction that felt like a solid red flag or deal breaker. Happened before meeting, so not sure if fully counts. I think it counts completely.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of course, red flagger. Deal breakers can happen at any time in the courting process. Right?

[A]

Or after.

[B]

Yeah, right. Definitely one of those quirky modern dating moments. I need your take on match with a guy. 37. I'm 28. Cute enough. In his profile, he wrote.

[A]

Is that on the our story page?

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He didn't make me want to puke.

[A]

I kind. I know what she means, though.

[B]

Cute enough. Cute enough to go on a date.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

We'll see what his personality's like.

[B]

You're right. Never been said by a guy. Okay, well, cute enough to.

[A]

To see what they look like in person.

[B]

No, it'd be. It would really.

[A]

Wouldn't be exciting. You'd cancel that. Okay.

[B]

Canceled. In his profile, he wrote, prove to me it's still possible to find my ride or die in Denver. Love is blind didn't help. She put a skull emoji like, I'm dead from the comment. Hate that you hate what?

[A]

I hate the way that he. I. I don't like that he put that in his profile.

[B]

I'm with you. I don't.

[A]

Prove to me.

[B]

Prove to me. Giving orders, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who are you? Why do I have to prove to you?

[A]

Yeah, you prove to me, right?

[B]

How about we prove to each other?

[A]

It's also negative. Again, you got to stay positive.

[B]

You're right. We plan a drink. But then he said there are things I should know about him first. Screenshots attached.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Should we read things I should know about things? Something you should know before going out is like, hit me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, tell me. Please tell me. But this will. This might rock the boat enough.

[A]

What would you think? What would be your guesses before, from.

[B]

A woman, Things you need to know? It would be way more my mind from a woman's saying, hey, just one thing you should know before we go out. I would think that it was an actual serious thing.

[A]

Okay. Like what?

[B]

That is my privilege, straight man. It would be like, I'm going through A death. Right now I have some sort of sickness that I'm dealing with. I lost my job. I haven't drank. Probably that could be as small as it could be from a man. What would you think? It's coming. What would you think?

[A]

There's three things I would think. One would be like, I'm recently divorced, going or going through a divorce.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I'm not. I'm still technically married.

[B]

Right. Thing you could find online.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I have X amount of kids. They're not in my profile.

[B]

Right. Thing you could find online.

[A]

Yeah. Right. Or so the. For some reason hinge keeps listing me as. As six feet, but I'm actually five nine.

[B]

Right. So your assumption of any. Hey, I have one thing to tell you before we go out. Coming from a guy is they could get caught for something that they don't have listed.

[A]

Yeah. Or maybe they want to waste their time. They don't want to waste their time dating someone who isn't interested in the real story.

[B]

Yeah, but it's funny that like your mind goes to that My mind goes to woman who thinks she has a huge issue. That isn't a huge issue to me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Yeah. I guess that's the. The difference. Do you ever get any of those three?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

I've never gotten. Hey, my.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

I have once or twice. Not a lot. My age is listed as this, but I'm actually this age.

[A]

That's the kind of the male version of the. Of the height thing.

[B]

The female version. Yeah, female version of the height thing. Yeah, the age. But not a lot. Not enough for me to think that for that to be my first thought of like. Okay, yeah, what could be coming down?

[A]

This is what I would. I would. I would think. But like, let's. I guess let's see what it is.

[B]

You. I'll be him with something to tell you. Be hurt. Ready?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So they make a date. He writes, I'm down. But before we make plans, there are two things you should know about me. Do you want to hear the good or the neutral?

[A]

First, this guy is annoying me like every step he.

[B]

His. His thing in the profile stinks.

[A]

Got two things.

[B]

This sucks. Yeah, he went from stinks to sucks.

[A]

The way he positions it is also annoying. It's like I'll judge whether they're good or neutral.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't need you to.

[B]

Like, when I saw neutral when I read this before, I was like, what is coming? Like, what's. What's the neutral thing? Like, he is putting such a Lipstick on a pig on this thing.

[A]

I'm already turned off going in. Oh, boy. This is a texting medium. Just throw me both.

[B]

He writes aha. Fair. Well, the neutral is that I'm not that tall. I guess you can see from my profile. But just want to make sure it's not a deal breaker for you.

[A]

I was right.

[B]

But he doesn't say he listed his height as something else.

[A]

This is kind of another way of.

[B]

Saying that to me.

[A]

Oh, I guess like maybe he doesn't list his height at all.

[B]

Oh, maybe that's it. But also I would say I think he writes this first as a aperitif to the other thing. Like this is like a.

[A]

A.

[B]

This is like a pallet cleanse for what's coming next.

[A]

Okay. I haven't. Full disclosure. I haven't. For some reason I missed getting these outlines. So I'm reading this fresh. I don't know what's coming.

[B]

Okay, ready?

[A]

I don't know what's coming.

[B]

Yeah, the second. Which I think is a good thing. Okay. I have a big kink for being a dom daddy who rewards my baby girl's good behavior with pleasure and. Come on. And punishes with spankings when deserved.

[A]

That escalated. I didn't say. She didn't say that. I'm saying that as me.

[B]

It is a wild text.

[A]

Second was that's the good thing?

[B]

Well, you could be rewarded with come.

[A]

Oh my God. Wow. Okay, so I'll finish. I feel frankly like respect and cool. That's your thing. I am not into leading so hard with kinks. I'm looking for something beyond casual and it feels too intense for me and like cart before the horse to be getting into that before we meet.

[B]

You could take it that way for sure. Saying okay, I guess you could think that I only want casual cuz I said I would reward you with, as I put it, come and pleasure.

[A]

Yeah. What would give you that idea?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Seems like a crazy conclusion.

[B]

You could take it that way for sure. I'm definitely looking for more than casual too do. But I like to be upfront about it because if you're not at least open slash interested in exploring that, then it's probably not going to work.

[A]

I mean, that's something I can get behind. But I also like to mix it up. I doubt I'm really into the specific kink quite enough for what you're wanting.

[B]

That's okay. All the best to you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hard hand emoji. I mean, this is this being sent with. Okay, no worries. I guess you don't want to be my cum slut.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Like, is crazy.

[A]

All love though, right? Yeah, I, I read the last paragraph and then we'll get into it.

[B]

She writes, is this something to let develop naturally or was he right to bring it up before meeting? I get wanting to be transparent about a kink, but it felt too early, too aggressive. I'm into being dom sometimes, but this seems like really his thing. Probably not for me. Red flag or deal breaker? He wants you to be baby girl before you even met a grown up girl. What do you think? I mean, I have a lot of opinions on just the tone of the email. She lives in Denver, which is a. Especially the city proper. Very crunchy, earthy, hippie, liberal, whatever.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I, I think this is like the politeness that she's having right now is like the issue with a form of liberalism that I like, can't get behind. Like the idea that she's like, it's okay for you and I'm okay. You can be respectful to someone's kinks. While also, this isn't about his kinks. This is about. He's out here to.

[A]

Right. He doesn't want to waste any time.

[B]

You are a vessel to get to his. And he's being disrespectful of the forum and the niceties of conversation that happened on a dating app. Like, he went from, like you said, he went from zero to 60.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If he liked you and had a good time talking to you, you can go for one drink and see if it goes that way and then bring up your kinks and then be respectful of those things.

[A]

If he was actually looking for something more than casual, that's how he would do it.

[B]

Right. He's hiding under the, the, the veil of liberal, you know, liberal niceties to be able to not waste time, which, like, again, like, we all get to the point where we go, yeah, I'd rather know than not. But that's not really.

[A]

Here's the thing. Like, if I were her, I would be glad he said this, only because now I like, now I know that he's looking for casual. And so it saved me a date.

[B]

I know. And. But it's just hard for me to like, get behind the. I, I agree with you too.

[A]

Like, I wouldn't, I'm. I would be very turned off by the way he was doing it. In that, in that I agree this.

[B]

Is more dodged a bullet than did you a favor.

[A]

Yes, that's true. Dodged a bullet and saved your time because, like, it's almost like the only. Like, clearly he's just looking to have sex. So it's like, I would almost like, if a guy started off the conversation really sexual, then it's, like, obvious that's all he's looking for. Then I know what I'm getting into as opposed to.

[B]

It's just, I. I think this is, like a misuse of the dating app. This is like.

[A]

Like, find a different app. There's. There's.

[B]

There's other apps. You can go on different apps where it actually has your sexual proclivities in. What's. I was on it. What was it called? The field.

[A]

Field.

[B]

Yeah, I was on Field. Field does a very good job of, like, putting this out there for people to consume. But also, this is the problem with dating apps of like it. It's allowing nerds to be studs. Like, to be a.

[A]

This guy is not coming off as a stud to me.

[B]

Not at all. Because he's a nerd.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Right. Like a real. A true coxman has to go out to the bar. Like, if you were to do this in another era, no apps. He'd have to go to the bar. He'd have to, like, put some money in. Like, buy a drink, buy a food item.

[A]

Be smooth.

[B]

Be smooth. Talk with you at the bar. Talk you up enough to go the direction of like, hey, I'm looking for sexual things of that nature and then be able to like, close the deal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this app has offered him a very comfortable place to just like, lazily do that.

[A]

Right. Which feels way ickier.

[B]

Right. So I get why she's being respectful. The idea is it's a red flag or deal breaker. It's not even like they had a conversation. I mean, we actually deleted a part of this. I thought it was important that we. There's a part. We had another screenshot in the original email. Right. She is giving no signal of. I'm looking to get a little weird here. She actually gives the opposite of that because the first text, she actually comes off, closed off, like, very.

[A]

Like, I haven't seen it. Let's see it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, here we go.

[B]

So let's reread the text for just. Just for shits and gigs because there's going to be maybe the feedback of, like, I do think you can at some point get into kinks over a dating app. Like, I don't want to be like.

[A]

If it's. The conversation is going that way.

[B]

The conversation has to feel like, Like. Like there's.

[A]

There's that's why this is sloppy.

[B]

Right? And that's why it's so annoying to me. Like.

[A]

Like it's like a cold call.

[B]

Truly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. What do they call it? The flow of traffic. Like if you're going with the speed of traffic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like you don't get a ticket if everyone's going 80.

[A]

Right. Well you talk about that with being drunk. Right? What's the.

[B]

Oh, the drunk pace car. I try to find the drunkest person in the room and I just be less drunk than them.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's always my motto.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, so this is their opening chat. That ready damn blank. It must have hurt when you fell from the vending machine. Dot, dot, dot cause you a snack.

[A]

Oh, I think I threw up in my mouth.

[B]

Okay, now he's starting it off a.

[A]

Little like looks based sexual. Right.

[B]

He's ready to go. He's like, he's like, you know, hunky dory. You know, I'm. I'm here to have fun guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And look at her response.

[A]

All right. That's a fun one.

[B]

Like that's the response of like got me.

[A]

Right. I mean she seems like a little like dry. Snarky.

[B]

Dry and snarky. But like that to me is not like I'm here to talk about how I'm a snack.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like I. I'll let that one through.

[A]

Right. Like what else do you have?

[B]

She's strict principle. Right.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You seem like a fun one too. Winky face emoji.

[A]

Does she?

[B]

Right. But prove to me that a redhead from NOLA isn't a red flag bag. Like he's being. He's like nagging her. He's doing the right. Oh, you're bad, aren't you? And what does she say?

[A]

Well, I'm not a redhead and I'm not from nola.

[B]

Is that giving you. I'm playing your game.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Your hair isn't red. My eyes deceive me. Hahaha.

[A]

It's just not naturally red. Lmao.

[B]

Red suits you well. Could fool me. Could have fooled me.

[A]

Lol. Thank you. I get that quite a bit.

[B]

You're pretty adorable. Let's get off this app and grab a drink. Gives his number.

[A]

I kind of prefer staying in the app till I meet someone. But maybe able to grab a drink but maybe able to grab a quick drink tonight if you're around.

[B]

I'm just making. I mean has any of this given I want to be sent. Can I be. Will you be my cum slug from her?

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

That's What? This is my point. That's why it annoys me more.

[A]

But I also think. And again, now that I have more of the context. Not to blame the victim here.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I do think he's giving off very, like, sexual, very fast vibes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I'm surprised she's answering.

[B]

Well, let me. Let me give feedback to. That is just. I do like that she's like, quick drink tonight. Let's see. Let's see the vibe. Sure. So, like, her. Her response of like, ah, this guy's being fun. He's active, he's got energy. That's more than you find on dating apps. A lot.

[A]

Okay, fine.

[B]

Like, I agree with what you're saying, but I'm like. Like, she's like, quick drink.

[A]

Like, sure, fine.

[B]

Like, let me. Let me take a flyer. Is kind of my vibe on her.

[A]

Yeah. And she said, okay, she's staying in the app. Yeah.

[B]

Right. And staying in the app. We're not gonna exchange numbers. That's when he gets into. Let me tell you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My neutral versus my green flag.

[A]

Right. It's also funny that he threw in the, like, I'm not quite as tall as you might think.

[B]

That was the apparatif. That was the cow. The pallet cleanse.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

He's like, let me start with this. It's like, good news. That's why people.

[A]

Right. Good news, bad news first. Right. Yeah. So neutral news, I guess.

[B]

Like, to me, is it a red flag? Or like, I. I hate that she's doubting her. Just that she's turned off by this.

[A]

Right. If anything, I would trust your instincts, like, quicker.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, I think I would have gotten out of this conversation earlier if I were.

[B]

There's such a thing as not a match, not a match. Vibe. W. I mean, when he's not getting.

[A]

Like, vibes here at all.

[B]

Right. Are you a snack? Because you fell off the vending machine? I'd be like.

[A]

Right. Okay.

[B]

I guess we're gonna have to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Deal with this one and try and get blown.

[A]

I don't think I'd answer that. And then the, like, just all. All of the texts are kind of, like, leaning in that same kind of, like, cheesy sexual vibe, which I. You're pretty adorable.

[B]

Like, adorable. That's like. That's like an Instagram account from the early aughts.

[A]

Yeah. I hate it.

[B]

Yeah. Let's do another one.

[A]

Okay. Hi, J. And JJ. Love the pod. Long time listener, first time emailer. I have a red flag or deal breaker for you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

About 20 minutes before a first date, I texted the guy, letting him know that I don't hug on first dates and would prefer a handshake to start. Okay. Talk about high maintenance. He replied.

[B]

I didn't say it here.

[A]

That's cr. Okay.

[B]

It's a. It's a.

[A]

This is me is way worse than fragrance sensitivity.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

He replied, no worries. While we are sorting things out, I prefer we pay for ourselves on the first date until we know this will lead somewhere. For context. I'm 38, female, in Gothenburg, Sweden. I don't know much about Gothenburg.

[B]

Well, I know something about the Nordic area of the world, and that makes this all makes sense.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's the area of the world.

[A]

What do you know about this area of the world?

[B]

All, like, engineer brain types.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've been to Finland. I've been to Norway, or I was in Norway.

[A]

Like intellectuals, you're saying it's.

[B]

It's just a little bit more. It's. It's just up front, less emotional. Like Norway, Copenhagen. They were all kind of like this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And this is weird to us. I think it's a little. It's. She's very upfront about the hug. I prefer a handshake that feels very this part of the world to me. More so than the. Than it coming from New York City, you know?

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[B]

Girl in Hoboken Fair. So. But I said, this is my. This is just because, I mean, it's my favorite part about doing comedy is you go to a place and you're like, this is what these people are like. And you kind of have to, like, figure out that puzzle.

[A]

Right. That's tough to, like, perform to various audiences when you don't fully know what the culture is.

[B]

I'll never forget it. Copenhagen was so like this. And it's a beautiful area.

[A]

Beautiful. I've been there for like a day. It was really nice.

[B]

Awesome. And like, also, like, their furniture is like, you know, perfect. And a line and like, you know, like, all the lines matter by utility. Very utility, which goes into this, like, Sweden. I would put in that group.

[A]

Right. Okay. That makes. That helps.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He's 35, has a normal paying job. And my part of the bill was 4.50 cappuccino. His was about 15, because he also ordered food. Also, he traveled one and a half hours by train to meet me, which he kept reminding me, cost $15. As if that somehow canceled out him not offering to pay for my coffee. The date itself was perfectly pleasant. Fine. But not flirty. He even Asked me on a second date, but I declined and told him I felt unappreciated by his message beforehand. He replied that it was too bad I focused on that little detail instead of appreciating his train ticket and travel time. This sounds like the worst date I've ever heard of. So red flagger, deal breaker. A guy who responds to a boundary with an invoice. Thanks for all you do. A batch who apparently owes interest on one cappuccino. So I either of these people, right.

[B]

I appreciate that. She wrote in. If I had gotten a text from someone saying, hey, just before you take an hour and a half train to see me, I prefer a handshake on the first date to a hug. I would say, listen, it's nice to have connected in this way, but we're not going to be a match and I just think we should probably cancel.

[A]

Yeah. He was like, here's your boundary. Let me up you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Another annoying boundary that is also. Also feels unsexy. Well, I think your unsexy boundary. I'm going to give you another one.

[B]

I could be more.

[A]

Let's see how. Let's see. That's what I'm saying. This why this sounds like the worst date ever. It sounds like, right? Who can turn the other person off the most?

[B]

Well, there's a lot of that in dating culture right now. This like battle to like show the other person how much of a pain in the ass they're being by being a bigger pain in the ass. Like you kind of see this online and I think this is like a trickle down effect of like the online discourse. Like if I'm to like give any reason to. Why would he go on an hour and a half train? I think men go on dates for the adventure and the. Maybe I could have a fun wild night. Generally.

[A]

He thought he was gonna have a fun, wild night with no. With no hugger.

[B]

Well then he goes, well, I'm letting her know where I stand. I'm not gonna just go on any date and pay for someone's cappuccino. It's a bad.

[A]

It's a bad looking for free cappuccinos.

[B]

Right. I'm not, I'm not letting her off the hook. I mean, would you be okay with hearing this from someone you're going on a date with? She writes 20 minutes before the first date. If you're coming from an hour and.

[A]

A half away, I would be turned off by it. If a guy sent it to me, like, I'm prefer. I mean that would Be weirder from a guy, I think, than a woman, but sure would I. I would be. I think I would have the same reaction as you. Like, I think maybe you're, like, a little too boundaried. I don't know if we're a match.

[B]

Well, I think she has to know that, like, I prefer a handshake to a hug on a first date. If someone's coming from an hour and a half away, I could understand why he acted emotionally in response to that.

[A]

I don't think his response was right.

[B]

It's not right. I can understand it, sure. Imagine you're on the train coming into the city from Long island. And on the train, he says, just so you know, I split the tab on every first date.

[A]

Right. I'd be like. I mean, I would still go on that date, but you're on the train. Yeah.

[B]

You're already heading there.

[A]

So, like, he's already there.

[B]

So your response just now is probably the same as his. Like, let's take it at, like. Like, let's take out the dag. Take away the daggers. The daggers are. Well, you're gonna pay for your cappuccino. I've spent 15. Just at a. At a minimum, you're already on the way of the day, and they send you something that, like, is really letting you know. Like, this isn't going to be casual. This is going to be more interview than fun.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because when someone says that 20 minutes before the date, they're just warning you, like, hey, easy there, there. And we don't know the conversations they had on the app. So, like, maybe she felt on the app he was getting a little too forward, and she was like, I need to send a warning before he gets here. There's safety at play.

[A]

Sure. I'd imagine you'd include that, I would think. Or you could. I mean, to me, if I didn't want to hug someone, I would just, like, preemptively put out my. There's, like, ways to do this with body language.

[B]

I agree with you. But I do understand that if he was, like, on the Appian, like, can't wait to meet you, you know? Know, can't wait to give you a.

[A]

Huge hug when I see you.

[B]

Right. Can't wait to give you an old bear hug. That's me. Bear hug, Jared. I come in. Yeah.

[A]

This information would have been more helpful if that. Fine. Your boundaries, your boundary.

[B]

But. But also, like, I'm just saying, like, let's say she felt unsafe, like, in a world, and this was her way of like, just inching away. That's fine. I think she. I. I think you have to understand, like, like, you're going to a public date. You're just having coffee now. They're coming from an hour and a half away. They've kind of made you feel unsafe. Hey, I do handshakes. No hugs. For him to write back with this. I do understand. Like, you have to, like, kind of understand that this is.

[A]

What is his purpose in doing that, though.

[B]

He's emotionally scarred.

[A]

So here's my boundary.

[B]

Yeah. He wants to, like, get you to feel as bad as Eve. Just felt right hearing that. And that's kind of his way.

[A]

Well, that's why the date sounds miserable.

[B]

Yeah, the date is miserable.

[A]

Like, like the opposite vibe of anything I would be interested it.

[B]

Right. And I think her not understanding that. I think, like, she needs to wake up a little bit, too.

[A]

Not how that might come off.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

20 minutes before, you know, he's coming from an hour and a half away. I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, but, like, understand the emotions.

[A]

I think there's nothing wrong with saying that. I would say it earlier, before the date.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Again, if that's your. If you don't like to hug, that's your. That's fine.

[B]

How would you. So let's say you and I talk in the ass. Jordana. I'm excited to see it. So Tuesday night, 8 o'.

[A]

Clock.

[B]

How do you text me right then and there?

[A]

Great. Excited for the date. Just so you know, I am not a hugger. So don't. So don't think I'm, like, an awkward weirdo when I see you and I give you a. And I give you a handshake.

[B]

Right. It's. It's the thing that I, I. It can ruin a day for me, even though I don't want it to be ruined. Like, I would even say that.

[A]

Right? Like, addition to. I'm not a hugger.

[B]

I'm not a hugger. And it's something. I'm like. It's just who I am. I. Maybe our conversation here doesn't.

[A]

I almost don't even think you need all that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I would just say it in a fun, playful way.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, just so you know, not a hugger at all. Like, I'm not. I'm not being an awkward weirdo, but I, like, hate. I hate hugs with people I haven't met yet.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's. I think that's more fun than what she did because she's making it a.

[A]

Little be a little self deprecating. Like, because that is something where you'd be like, oh, this person's like acting really awkwardly and standoffish. I would like make fun of myself before the person could get into it.

[B]

Totally. That's the way we do conversations in uncomfortable scenarios. Now could a guy say to you now text me, can't wait for our date.

[A]

Can't wait for our date. Just so you know, I am not a hugger at all. So don't think I'm an awkward weirdo when I see you and put out my hand for a handshake.

[B]

Lol. I'm a great handshaker, so no problem there. But just so you know, when I go on first dates, I tend to split things. I hope that's okay with you.

[A]

Right. I would be less excited for the date.

[B]

I'm not excited for the handshake day.

[A]

Yeah, well, like now the question is who pulls out first?

[B]

Right? I mean I would, but now that's not the text I would send.

[A]

Now we have the next, now we have all, all, all day. The next day to, to have someone and then cancel off.

[B]

Right. And well, cards are on the table too. Like we've, we've put it down right. So that.

[A]

Better timing for that conversation. Let's do one more way more fun way to say both of those things if we do say so ourselves.

[B]

I think we just gave you the script.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

J and J, thank you for your dedication to solving dating. Every single week I have a red flagger deal breaker to share. A couple years ago, I met up with a guy from Facebook dating. Both 34 years old at the time.

[A]

People use Facebook dating.

[B]

I've every now and again you hear about it. I actually think it would be like a pretty. To me, Facebook dating to me would be a more lifelike experience because there's just when you know, well, Facebook profile has so much more information.

[A]

That's true. I get the appeal. I don't know anyone who does it right.

[B]

I mean, good for them.

[A]

I guess they did.

[B]

Anyone?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

34. They were 34 at the Times. They must have been like the first ones to jump on board. I do think it connected to your personal profile in a way. Like I have a cup of my phone every time I open up Facebook. I open up Facebook a lot. Yeah, I have a Facebook account if anyone wants to follow me. I have like a fan account there.

[A]

That I like Facebook.

[B]

It's growing.

[A]

That's my, that's the, that's the old woman thing about me.

[B]

Listen, I'm with you. My Facebook fan page, it actually pays me some money.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So if you're on Facebook and want.

[A]

To follow my account and interact all.

[B]

The fan, please interact with those videos that I'm posting there. Yeah, but Facebook, like there's a world going on there, you know? So we weren't looking to date, just a casual hookup at his place afterwards. We were chatting and I can't remember exactly how it came up, but he mentioned that he still had his ex's passport. I asked how that happened and he explained that he was the planner when it came to their trips. So he used to carry both of their passports. When they broke up six months earlier, he just never gave hers back. I said, well, that's a pretty important document. Don't you think she needs it back? He replied, nah, she doesn't need it. It's not like she's going anywhere.

[A]

Not going anywhere without me.

[B]

Right. That response completely weirded me out, but I just said okay. Then he kept going saying that he saying that she actually had reached out to get it back and offered to send a friend to pick it up, but it refused because in his words, that's just an excuse for her to see me. At that point I was thinking, this makes absolutely no sense. But I wasn't about to say that to this guy. While standing in his apartment. I quickly put on my shoes, grabbed my stuff and got out of there. So red flagger, deal breaker. He still has his ex's passport and refuses to give it back even though this wasn't an actual date. If someone said this to you while on one, would that be a red flag or deal breaker? And what if it were a different item like a pair of shoes or a book instead of a passport? Would that change your answer? Sincerely, a flight risk. What do you think?

[A]

I agree with her that this is like a very weird red flag and a bad look for this guy.

[B]

It goes back to what we talked about earlier.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With the brother in law.

[A]

You're petty.

[B]

You're being petty. If you're petty with this, you're petty with everything.

[A]

Yes. That's who you are.

[B]

That's who you are. You are won't give the passport back to your ex guy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they are not crazy.

[A]

X.

[B]

There's nothing you could tell me that makes me think they were crazy enough for you to want to hold on to this thing that they want back.

[A]

Yes. And you're kind of like braggy about it, right too. Like you're telling this to a Stranger that you just met on a first encounter.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

There's no shame.

[B]

No shame. You think this is the right. Because of the breakup? Well, if I just explain the breakup up. No, no, there's no breakup.

[A]

No reason to not give someone their passport back.

[B]

Right. Even in the most horrific of cases, I would want to be away from a horrific person, not have a thing that they could hold against me or come back for or have a reason to come back for. That's scary.

[A]

Yeah. That would be a deal breaker for me, especially when she, like, asked for it. It's one thing I can understand if he was like, I have her passport. I planned all the trips. Again. I don't know how this would come up the first time you met, but. And then she. I like, we. I kind of, like, forgot about it, and I just realized I still have it, but I don't really want to reach out to her, so I'm not going to say anything. That's one thing. If she asked for it and said she would send a friend to pick it up and you don't give it back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

She's making it easy on you.

[A]

Yes. And she wants it. It's like, not like, oh, we both forgot about this thing. It's like she's asking for, so. And it could be any. The passport, obviously an important document, but, like, anything she wanted. Unless it was like three years later, she wanted her shoes or something. I'd be like, I don't know where those are.

[B]

Yeah, it's a. It's a deal breaker. Anything, passport, shoes, whatever it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To brag in this scenario that she's giving. You're on a date. She said, if it's a different item, but you're already dating. I would look at someone three dates in. Why don't you just give a bag back?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And if they were like, no, that's not how I operate. They can go themselves.

[A]

I be like, well, that's how I would operate. And so we're not a match.

[B]

I don't think we're. Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's bad for them. It's also just like, as much as they're, like, saying they're just trying to see me. Well, you're trying to hold them hostage in a certain way.

[A]

Would you leave, like, they're going there for a casual hookup. Mutually agreed upon casual hookup up. Would you. Would you just hook up and then. No, you wouldn't hook up either.

[B]

The person who's angry at an ex so much that they won't give back their passport is probably more likely to be accusing me of false accusations in a personal sexual way than the person who doesn't do that.

[A]

Fair.

[B]

Like, I would think that that is a person who is ripe for just.

[A]

Being emotionally off or being right an in other ways.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm. I'm actually out of there.

[A]

I think that's smart.

[B]

I would say this was nice. Or maybe, like, we'd probably, like, make out a little bit. They'd probably. And I'd be like, I got a comedy show. I got a show.

[A]

Child.

[B]

Attend to my shows.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, we solved dating again.

[A]

We did it. Proud of us. Us.

[B]

Yeah. Subscribe. All those things is a long episode. So we. If you're still here. Thank you.

[A]

Thanks. We'll be back on Friday.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Bye. Experience the sequel everyone's been waiting for. Follow Drayton and Dallas as they navigate the challenges of college life while trying to stay true to both themselves and each other. Sideline two Intercepted, starring Noah Beck and Sienna Agudan, is streaming now for free only on Tubi.